The Princess Bride predicting Covid-19?
EXTREME SPOILER WARNING!
Please be aware that nearly every page on this website contains spoilers to something. I talk about a lot of fandoms, and go into great detail analyzing them when I do. If I am talking about The Witcher series, InuYasha, Disney Ducks, the Quaraun series, or any other fandom, you WILL encounter spoilers about it.
Is it me or do these stories sometimes feel disjointed?
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Is it me or do these stories sometimes feel disjointed?
Nope, you're right. The series was originally published in 1997 to 2012 as a bunch of short stories. Some with as few as 750 words, many around 2,000 words, some reaching 5,000 words, and a few as much as 7,000 words. Most of the stories were around 3,000 words long. About 130 of the stories went up on fanfic.net, though there were around 500 stories actually written.
Usually I would write a story each day or two and publish it (largely unedited) online with-in an hour of it's having been written. Often what you saw was me writing for an hour or two, then publishing it. In most cases, the end result was not “complete”. Usually they could not even be considered a full chapter, let alone a full story, often they were scenes and snippets.
Also, as Quaraun was a player character I played in Dungeons and Dragons game sessions, I kept notes of all the games, and wrote additional stories(which are being published for the first time in this series) based off those game sessions.
If you are reading this book, you likely found it via something somehow related to DnD and know what a game session is like, but for those who are unfamiliar with it: Each player announces what their character is going to do, then rolls the dice to find out how well they succeeded. On the other side of the game table is the Dungeon Master with a chart.
The DM looks at the dice roll, looks up the number on his chart and announced: “Here's what happened.” Our game group was run by a DM who loved his charts and had lots of them. Each character ended up having their own specially made charts. Quaraun's character had a chart designed to make sure his spells failed epically.
Because everything that happened in a Dungeons and Dragons game is determined by the roll of the dice, you never know what it going to happen next and anything can and does happen, especially if using the SpellJammer setting. This results in a lot of absolutly random stories that were created literally on the roll of the dice. And these stories are found translated into the Quaraun books as well.
The books you are reading now, are made by taking all of those many hundreds of stories, scenes, chapters, snippets, and game session notes and compiling them together, while adding even more stories, scenes, chapters, snippets, and game session notes in between them to bridge the gaps and string them all together.
What this means is that unlike a traditional novel, these stories were NOT written as a single novel beginning to end, indeed, some parts of a story were written 10, 15, or 20 years prior to other parts of it. Yes, that also means some sections of this book were written when I was just 14 years old, while others were not written until I was in my 30s, meaning you'll notice a difference because of that as well.
Could I have smoothed them out and made them flow one segment to the next better? Yes, but I didn't. Why? Well, as the title states, Quaraun is insane. His mind is seriously warped and broken. He's struggling to fit in and he knows he can't. He's struggling to hold on to reality, but he knows he fast losing touch with it. He thinks he's knows what is going on around him, but he can't be sure and it frightens him.
Quaraun's perception of life is disjointed, fragmented, and at times missing glaring bits of information. He blacks out sections of time and can not remember how he got from point A to point B. You'll see him talking to his friends in one scene and then the very next scene, on the other side of town doing something else with someone else, and no scene in between to explain how or why this happened. It is because you the reader are seeing the world EXACTLY as Quaraun sees it and he's missing time. He does not know why suddenly he's in a tavern in the next town when the last thing he remembered, he was in a battlefield. Because Quaraun does not know, neither does the reader.
Quaraun has a medical condition, known as Catalepsy. He passes out frequently and goes into trance-like states. Many scenes begin or end with Quaraun either just waking up from a cataleptic trance or just passing out and going into one. In most cases, the story stops when Quaraun passes out and picks up the next time he has full conscious awareness of what is going on around him.
Only if something that the reader actually needs to know, happens while Quaraun is unconscious, does the scene continue forward, now in another character's perspective (usually Unicorn's). If there is nothing of plot importance happening while Quaraun is passed out, then the story simply jumps ahead to the next point something does happen.
Because the stories are told mostly from Quaraun's (very questionable) point of view, I did not even out the gaps completely, leaving them disjointed in many places, because the reader is seeing the world through Quaraun's eyes and if you read the much older Twighlight Manor series from the 1970s/1980s, you know Quaraun is a patient of White Rock Asylum of the Criminally Insane (known as Sunta aka the boy in the attic, in the TM Series because no one knew his real name) and much of what you are seeing in the Quaraun series is him retelling his version of the truth, which may or may not be what actually happened to him.
The Quaraun series picks up where the TM series ends. At the end, Emperor Blue of Planet Chrystonia, the current Grand High Emperor of the Triple Planets, makes a startling discovery while inspecting the Asylum one day. At the heart of the hospital is a section that was boarded up centuries ago. It was believed no one was in it, and for several hundred years, no one went down there. During the inspection, screams were heard from beyond the boarded up wall, and one cell was found to not be empty. A strange boy with long Elf-like ears, every inch of them full of gold rings, is discovered. The boy speaks a language no one knows and refuses to learn their language.
The Emperor (who has no children to heir his throne) takes the boy with him, adopting him. It is at first assumed the boy somehow got into the asylum and got trapped, but as the years go by, he never ages, and after 30 years, he still looks like a 15 year old boy, causing the Emperor to investigate not the boy, but rather the section of White Rock where he was found.
To the Emperor's horror he learns that that section of White Rock had been sealed off centuries ago, the same year Emperor Swanzen, the first Grand High Emperor went missing. He goes to Sir Roderic of the Twighlight Manor seeking the ancient Scrolls of Ongadada, taking the boy with him. There at the Twighlight Manor Roderic recognizes the boy as his grandfather, the builder of The Twighlight Manor, long believed to have died shortly after the Battle of Ogadada. (Yes, the spelling changes depending on who is talking about it).
Terror seizes the Chrystonite king when he realizes he has unlocked the ancient prison that has been created by the Phookas to contain the greatest evil the galaxy ever knew. And no one can explain how the boy survived being locked in that cell for 400 years without food or water. Blue contacts the Kat family of Planet Ptarmagin, hiring EelKat (yes the very same character -a black cat- I life act online via social networks) Spriggan, Bela, and Lynxiana to investigate. (All 84 of the talking cats from the Twighlight Manor series do appear in the Quaraun series as well, btw.
Many of the TM series characters appear in the Quaraun books.). They tell him the story of Liches, Necromancers, undead beasts, and monstrous brain sucking Jellyfish beasts that live in the oceans of Planet Diona and the reason why Gremlin sealed off the portals and made travel between planets, time, and dimensions a thing of the past. While the Kats' story is mentioned in passing and hinted too, the TM series never goes into any details beyound what was just said, leaving the reader to wonder – what happened?
With all the inhabited planets of 3 solar systems in mortal terror of the day when the Lich would wake up and being reunited with it's Master, Emperor Blue knows he must never let anyone know what he has done, and yet, Emperor Blue has trouble seeing this harmless, very frightened apparently ageless boy as anything even remotely matching any of the horrific stories history has passed down of the terrible King of the Burning Planet, who's name was erased from history to prevent anyone calling him back into existence. The most evil tyrant in history, turned out to be an immortal boy who did nothing but sit on the floor and gibber nonsense that no one could translate.
Not knowing his real name and fearing that his people would slaughter the seemingly harmless boy should they find out who he really was, Blue renames the boy Sunta (which means King of the Burning Sun) and sets out to find out what happened to the Liches and the infamous undead fire breathing horse the evil king was rumoured to travel with. The Twighlight Manor Series simply ends at that point, never giving any farther explanation of the ageless boy or his undead horse.
The Quaraun series picks up at that point...
In the year 2525, Quaraun is an ancient Elf, well over a thousand years old, the last pure blooded Elf, and has spent the last 400 years of his life straight jacketed in solitary confinement in White Rock, after having been tortured in White Rock's dungeon for several hundred years prior. Emperor Blue seeking to unlock the truth behind the bloodiest battle of The Great Chrystonite War, tries to get the Elf to talk, and when he finally does talk
the stories in the Quaraun series are the stories he tells.
And so, yes, the stories are often disjointed and seem unconnected, jumping here and there and back again. This is intended, because you are essentially sitting in the shoes of the listeners who are in a room listening to a mental patient trying to tell you how he came to be locked away in that cell for so many centuries.
Please note, this site is the Home Site for The Adventures of The Pink Necromancer aka The Quaraun Series.
The Quaraun series is a set of 2,000 short stories and 130 Fantasy novels about a suicidal, drug addicted, serial killing, transvestite wizard.
Due to the content of the books, you must be 18 or older to buy them and they are sold under M18+ ratings in countries that require book ratings on the cover.
These morbid novels do not have happy endings, and main character Quaraun's depression, suicidal nature, and drug use gets worse as the series progresses. If you are looking for cheerful, happy stories, these novels are not for you.
Most pages on EelKat.com are either sample chapters from these Dark Fantasy Yaoi novels or how-to advice and Q&As about writing Dark Fantasy Bizarro Yaoi, and thus many pages feature mention of suicide, drug use, cutting, depression, BDSM fetishes especially CBT, schizophrenia, ritual murder, and thus many pages are probably NSFW.
Please be aware that this site is considered an "Adult Entertainment" website and by viewing it you agree that you are over the age of 18 years old.
Reader discretion of both the Quaraun novels and the pages of this website is advised.
Meet The Characters:
The Adventures of Quaraun The Insane: First draft/sample chapters from the novels.
NOTE: The scenes and chapters featured here, are from the unedited first drafts, and NOT from the finished published novels. This was done because many readers had asked to see what the first drafts looked like to see how different they were from the finished product. Because these are from the unedited first drafts, they contain spelling and grammar errors, typos, and sections that are still unrevised. These errors are corrected in the final published editions.More sample chapters can be found here: (note, while these chapters are linked in chronological order, they are not continuing one to the next, they are chapters spanning from Volume 1 all the way to volume 119, of a series that has 130 novels/volumes.)
Pink Links are pages on this site. Green links go to the pages found on my DeviantArt account.
Chapter 1: King Gwallmaiic & The Sacred Pink JellyFish (Chapter 1 of the entire series)BoomFuzzy's Gingerbread House From HellThe Dying Elf, Gibedon's Head, and King Gwallmaiic's Elf Eating MansionSanta Claus: Lich Of The North PoleAn Elf Gone Mad: The Rise of The Pink NecromancerI Loved My Children, But I Loved BoomFuzzy MoreDoe'Uan and The Lonely ElfFinding Finderu Kelim Meets Quaraun The InsanePocket Lich Unleashed: Quaraun Murders FindaruCaptured By The Lich Lord An Elf and a Lich in the Gingerbread PitThe Lich's True Form Revealed Bullgaar the Vulgar The Enchanted MapWaiter, There's a Head In My SoupThe Orcs and The Necromancer The Valley of the Katopas (Part 1)The Valley of the Katopas (Part 2)The Beginning of the EndThe Witch Massimara Of Mount YenkaPsychotic Dead ThingsSix Days EarlierThere is no Mournful Lamb InnThe Swamp of DeathThe Dungeon Master & The 1974 AMC GremlinIntroducing GhoulSpawnThe Demon Cultists & The Coming of The DarknessEelKat and The Kats of Planet PtarmaginThe Moon Elves of IvujivikThe Return of ZooLock The GreatThe Gremlin's WarningA Field of Poppies On The Road To Witch PondThe Road To Witch Pond (Part 2)The Road To Witch Pond (Part 3)Santa's Dead Floating BodyWorms!GhoulSpawn and Quaraun Trapped With A PhookaThe Banshee Sisters: Bean-Nighe and Ben-Neeyah In the Swamp of DeathA Fourth Letter To Home - The Masochistic Elf With Stockholm SyndromeGhoulSpawn and Quaraun Trapped With A PhookaThe Strange Village or I Love The Smell Of Decomposing Bodies In The MorningThe Golden RoosterMeeting MallacSerial Killer At LargeThe Summoner of DarknessCorsets, Elves, and Undead Faeries.Visiting The Scene of Murder #1 With An UnGelded StallionI Never Wanted To Be a WizardSheep AgainBack At The Tavern and Still No ShrimpA Tavern Scene Part 3 - Quaraun, Unicorn, GhoulSpawn, - Time Travel, Chastity Cages, and WhoresTumbling Down Stairs With Slutty Elves and Angry LichesWhere Are You Hiding That Horse?The Hostess Twinkie Aisle of Biddeford WalMartQuaraun Meets HellBorne The EvilThe Map of the TownQuaraun Meets BatDude & Pigeon Poop BoyPepperell Square, Saco, Maine, In The Year 2525No Goldfish, Today?Chocolate Covered Elves Evil Elves How To Kill A LichThe Lover's Triangle At Gremlin's House / Kill The BabyI Am Not GhoulSpawnSheepSanta's Letter to Satan Going North To Head SouthAloneIn Black TowerYou've Only Known Our World Through The Eyes of a Madman"Sold! To Zebulon, for two million dollars."The Last of The Moon ElvesFarDarrig and The Baby That Never Should Have Been
Answering Reader Question About The Quaraun Series:
Behind the Scenes:
A Look At How I Write The Quaraun Series...
The Quaraun series is a set of 130 Fantasy novels about a suicidal, drug addicted, serial killing, bi-sexual, polyamorous/polygamous, masochistic, time traveling transvestite Elf wizard, his sex crazed, sadistic, drug dealing unicorn, and their bloodthirsty sentient house.
The Quaraun series contains heavy use of the following:
- drug use
- sex fetishes
- CBT (cock and ball torture)
- barbed penises and toothed vaginas
- monsters eating Humans
- blood thirsty Faeries
- Elves eating Elves
- Faeries eating Elves
- squid headed aliens eating brains out of still alive victims
- medieval torture
- stockholm syndrome
- ritual murder
- flaying (skinning a person alive)
- child sacrifice
- vampirism (the mental illness, not the mythical creature)
- crude language (including an excessive use of the words fuck, cock, dick, testicals, balls, scrotum, and penis)
- interracial relationships
- M/m/m relationships
- gay men
- bisexual men
- transvestite men
- men who have sex with unicorns(horses)
- tentacle porn sex with squid headed aliens
- shape-shifter sex
- ménage à trois relationships
- double dicked men
- tripple dicked penitration gay sex scenes
- bananas, pickles, candy canes, unicorn horns, and glass wizard wands used as dildos
- main character Quaraun is a man with 4 wives (one of whom is also his sister, another of whom is also his daughter)
- Quaraun has 2 male lovers
- Quaraun has 4 children by his sister
- Quaraun has 3 children by his daughter
- Quaraun has 1 child that is the result of him raping a woman
- Quaraun has 37 children by prostitutes
- the primary secondary character, Unicorn, is a chemist "candy maker" and detailed instruction of how he makes his drugs, including recipes to do so are included in the novels
The Quaraun series has been banned by the following:
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints aka The Mormon Church
(1991) (Reason: too much sex)
(Interestingly, there were no sex scenes in the series before 2014)
The Arundel Christian Tabernacle, Biddeford-Arundel, Maine
(2001) (Reason: evil and influenced by Satan)
New Life Church, Biddeford, Maine
(2003) (Reason: Too gay for the family friendly church)
(Interestingly, there were no gay characters in the series before 2014)
(2012) (Reason: Too violent)
Curtis Lake Church, Sanford, Maine
(2013) (Reason: Too gay for the family friendly church)
(Interestingly, there were no gay characters in the series before 2014 and I added gay characters to the series BECAUSE of this false complaint)
Old Orchard Beach Town Hall of the Town of Old Orchard Beach, Maine, a division of the United States of America Government
(January 4, 2016 via court order)(State of Maine, Biddeford District Court: Docket #BDDC-PA-2015-00574)
(Reason #1: Too gay for the family friendly town of Old Orchard Beach)(Reason #2: Contains transgender characters depicted as living in Old Orchard Beach, in violation of the ordinance which states Old Orchard Beach is a "Family Friendly Town" by virtue of it's ban on LGBTQ+ residents)
27 volumes of the Quaraun novels were forced to be unpublished/removed from Amazon by the government issued court order that cited these books as "Too Gay For Old Orchard Beach"
NOTE: As a result of this ban, and my discovery that OOB had an ordinance banning LGBTQ citizens from living in our town, an additional court case rose up, and on October 21, 2016, Alfred Superior Court overruled the ordinance banning LGBTQs in OOB, AND overturned the town hall's ban on the Quaraun series, citing that both the ordinace baning LGBTQ residents and the court order ordering the Quaraun books to be removed from Amazon.comto be "gross violations of civil rights".)
Did you notice how 3 different places used the exact same phrase of "Too gay for the family friendly..." In each of these three cases the exact same minister was behind the ban.
Sample Chapters of Many of the Novels Are Available To Read Online:
Volume 27: The Sorcerer's Tower of Cake
Volume 48: A Baby For The Necromancer
Volume 58: Zebulon's Captive
106: The Haunted Lighthouse
Volume 107: The Battle of Ongadada
Volume 108: Friends Are Forever
(Volume 1 of The Twighlight Manor series)
Volume 119: My Two Favorite People
Please Note: The Quaraun Series Is Rated M18+ and you must be 18 or older to buy it.
Most pages on EelKat.com are about writing, publishing, marketing, and CosPlaying Dark Fantasy, Bizarro, Gorn, Monster Porn, Torture Porn, CBT, Psychedelic Literature, Weird Lovecraftian Horror, Pink Humour Satire, & BDSM Yaoi.
With this in mind, some pages may not be safe for work and are marked as: [NSFW].
Reader discretion is advised.
Why is the Quaraun Series Rated M18+?
Book publishing hiatus: November 14, 2013 I was beaten up by a woman who claimed to be a unpublished author. I was paralyzed for 5 months and am still 4 years later relearning to use my legs & arms. While I was cripple, offline, and recovering these past 4 years, she next proceeded to hack my website and most all of my forum and social network accounts.
April 2015 she returned, filled my motorhome with 1,000s of gallons of feces/raw sewage and cut my cats heads off nailing them to my door. 10 cats are currently still missing.
October 2006 she blew up my house with a bomb, in May 2013 put a bomb in my classroom at college, November 2015 put a bomb in my department where I work at Walmart, and June 2016 put yet another bomb in WalMart. The FBI is trying to identity of this woman. More info about these terrorist attacks on my family can be found here: https://www.eelkat.com/1667Words.html
If you have any information about this woman, please contact the FBI agent in charge of the case, his contact info is on that page.