Welcome to the New
Space Dock 13!
Helping Authors Write Weird, Bizarre, Absurd, Psychedelic Horror-Fantasy Since 1996!
(We've Moved & Changed URLs; Space Dock 13 is now EelKat.com)
(We are also novel-writing-tips.com, a-pink-unicorn.com, & of course are still SpaceDock13.com)
| Home | Site Index | Top 100 Pages | Search| About |
| The Adventures of The Pink Necromancer: Quaraun The Insane | FAQs |
| Meet The Scottish Travellers | Stephen King's Thinner Gypsies - The Complete Interviews |
| Amphibious Aliens | Meet The Real Christine: The World's Most Haunted Car |
OMG!
We beat our traffic record for this website!
On December 23, 2019 THIS PAGE got 300,000 views in a single day!
And here's another page to answer how and why that page got so much traffic.
 |
|
|
|
|
I Now Hold The World Record
For The Highest Level Ever Achieved in Witcher 3!!
If One of These Videos Is Active,
I'm Live Streaming Right Now...
I stream on Twitch, YouTube, FaceBook, and Twitter. I have no pre-planned schedule for which site I will go live on. I do NOT multi-stream on multiple sites at once, so if I am live on one, I am not live on the other 3. (The FaceBook one will say "Video Unavailable" when not live.)
WARNING:
Avallac'h & Ciri Shipping Happens Daily In My Cult of Avallac'h Stream
(This seems to piss people off so we seem to need to provide a warning about it)
Vanilla Avallac'h vs Modded Avallac'h
Vanilla Avallac'h vs Modded Avallac'h
If you are Mormon, Mason, Jewish, or Zoroastrian, take a close look at his gambeson and see what you see. If you are Mormon, Mason, Jewish, or Zoroastrian, you'll see it and you'll know exactly what it means. On the other hand if you are a Gentile or an Infidel, you won't have a clue.
>>Both images on the left from May 2018, the 1st Avallac'h Playthrough
Vanilla Avallac'h has black hair and eyebrows turned grey, and has an appalling LOD of 5 and draw distance of 7, and has no hairworks effects, no wind effects, and while his 3d model & texture files have wrinkles, scars, bruises, bug bites, moles, and veins, you can't see them on the vanilla settings.
Also while Avallac'h's clothen had a RedCloth file, it had very low grade settings/pollies causing the details of the cloth weave, seam stitches, and embroidery to be blurry.
Vanilla Avallac'h has pupils that react to light, like all other characters in the game.
>>Both images on the right from September 15, 2020, the 3rd Avallac'h Playthrough
Modded Avallac'h has a 5,000 LOD and draw distance, resulting in wrinkles, scars, bruises, bug bites, moles, and veins on his skin can now be seen. This also revealed that he has a fine scar down the side of his nose and one over his eyebrow, both were not visible at all with the vanilla LOD settings.
Hairworks and wind effects have been added to his hair.
While we are talking about his hair... notice that he wears payot. If you don't know what payot are or why a man would have them... Google will help you. It brands him as Hasidic.
His hair and eyebrows are changed to blond (as described in the novels), his skin has been lightened several shades (again to match novel descriptions), and he has new texture files for his eyes to make them pale ice aquamarine with pink pupils, as described in the novels.
Modded Avallac'h has pupils that are frozen into tiny pinpricks and never grow or retract with light changes, matching the information we were told about him having suffered severe nerve damage which caused him to have tiny frozen pupils that did not react to light.
Because the file which changes a character's pupils, is NOT connected to their eye file, but rather is connected to their shadow file and changes not only the size and shape of pupils in different lights, it also changes the shadows on their face, and changes the intensity of their makeup.
The result of changing this file, is that shadows on Avallac'h's face are now fainter and his vanilla very dark eyeshadow is now many shades much lighter.
This results in a bright highlight on his cheekbones, making them much paler, and has caused an illusion that his cheekbones are even sharper than before, even though no change was made to his 3D model bone structure... i is simply a result of less shadow below his cheekbones with brighter highlight over them, and fewer shadows around his eyes.
I increased the depth of Avallac'h's RedCloth file (edited the 3D model to make ridged details a deeper depth) and increased settings/pollies causing the details of the cloth weave, seam stitches, and embroidery to be much sharper and more noticable, making the cloth look more real.
And speaking of the cloth looking more real... if you are a Gentile or an Infidel, you won't have a clue what it was I mentioned earlier, so let me point it out... on the beast of his gambeson, right over the nipple, there are slash marks that are stitched into a very specific pattern/design... this marks Avallac'h as a very high ranking priest, one who has access to the deepest, inner circles of the Temple, on par with The Levite in the Bible, it also tells us that he is a virgin and living celibate lifestyle because of his religious rank.
On their own, the slash marks do not identify a specific religion, but one of 5 religions. However, that, with the payot, and the fact that he covers his head when going outside, brands him as a Hasidic Jew.
We further know that in the novels, ALL Elves are Jewish, and the masque of the Elves during the Human invasion, was an outright retelling of the Holocaust, and Avallac'h spoke an ancient dialect of Hebrew and was unable to understand most Humans as he spoke none of the common tongues.
Raise your hand if you ACTUALLY KNOW what Manna is? Sephiroth? Sackcloth and ashes? Golems? The Tree of Life? The Pentagram? Tzitzit? Are you able to explain ANY of those things and what they are, when you encounter them in quests in the game?
Can you explain WHY Geralt meditates on a prayer rug facing East?
Explain to me WHY after her grandmother dies, Ciri shreds her cloths, starts wearing sackcloth, and rolls her golden blond hair in ashes to turn it into dreadlocks, resulting her becoming known as "the ashen haired maid"?
When the game shows you Avallac'h naked in Kaer Morhen, can you read the Hebrew writing tattoo across his chest and abdomen? Do you know what the symbols on his tattoos mean?
After having watched more than 5,000 playthroughs of Witcher 3 on Twitch, I'm continually amazed at how few people ever recognize the plethora of openly Jewish characters and miss the HUNDREDS of Holocaust reference easter eggs that flood every segment of the game.
And now that the books are becoming popular, after 40 years of being ignored by the bulk of society... it likewise amazes me, how many people are so clueless about the Holocaust and what happened to the Jews in Poland, that they read the Witcher novels with blind eyes, and completely miss that the Gnomes and Elves are blatantly Jewish, while the Humans are blatantly Nazi, and the mass murder of millions of Jewish Gnomes and Elves at the hands of their Nazi Human invaders, is an outright retelling of the events of real world history.... of that happened just 80 years ago.
Our world is in a pitiful state if the so recent mass murder of 20 million is so easily forgotten, so soon.
If you know nothing about the Holocaust, you REALLY shouldn't play this game or read the novels it was based on, because you'll completely miss the message they send. It'll go right over your head.
Spend a year or two doing some massive research into the Holocaust, especially what happened in Poland, and THEN play the game and read the novels, and THEN remember that the author who created this: was a Polish Jew who as a small child, saw his friends and family murdered, and then you'll understand why he wrote what he wrote.
  |
  |
  |
  |
  |
  |
  |
The Princess Bride predicting Covid-19?
Avallac'h's a Good Tutor?
Of What? How to Better Bed Kings?
EXTREME SPOILER WARNING!
Please be aware that nearly every page on this website contains spoilers to something. I talk about a lot of fandoms, and go into great detail analyzing them when I do. If I am talking about The Witcher series, InuYasha, Disney Ducks, the Quaraun series, or any other fandom, you WILL encounter spoilers about it.
EK's STAR LOG
CATEGORY ARCHIVES:
The Autism & Me Squidoo Article
An Autistic Person Speaks Out On
What It Is REALLY Like To Live With Autism
How Disgusted She Is With Asperger's People Pretending To Have Autism
And Why Authors Who Write An "Autistic" Character With Asperger's Symptoms Are Doing More Harm Then Good
The 10th Anniversary Return EelKat's Biggest "Big Lens"
Autism & Me
A Plea To NaNoWriMo Overachievers:
If You're Gonna Write Autistic Characters,
Then Stop Research Asperger's And
Start Researching Autism For A Change!
As has been requested (endlessly) EK's Star Log is returning to the internet. You can still read the original archive here... https://eelkat.wordpress.com
The reason you couldn't find it is because I set it to private un-index mode, meaning it no longer shows up in Google search results and can only be accessed by a direct link.
Meaning, if you didn't have the url for it, no amount of searching for it would tell you how to find it. Anyone who had the url could still access it though.
I had set it to private September 23, 2013, intending to move each page here to EelKat.com... however, November 14, 2013, after only moving about 30 pages, I was beaten up and left paralyzed for 5 months, then spent 18 months relearning to walk. I am still crippled and have limited mobility.
Below is one of the blog posts that originally appeared on EK's Star Log. The original articles are still online but no longer indexed in Google. Links to the original article, are included with this post, as is the original posting date. Clicking the links will take you to the original site, where you can see the old Space Dock 13 website still online. Space Dock 13 as it looked when hosted on WordPress from 2003 to 2013.
Ads by Share-a-Sale
Resources:
Where to find ACTUAL (Accurate) Information on ACTUAL Mental Illnesses
Every year since 2004, I post in the Mental Illness thread on NaNoWriMo, a list of places where authors can find actual/accurate information on a variety of mental illnesses and physical disabilities to help them write their characters more accurately. Most of these site also have lists of other sites as well.
Here for you now, is that list:
Act Early on Developmental Concerns: Partnering with Early Intervention
Adolescents with autism spectrum disorder at risk for bullying
Advancing Futures for Adults with Autism
Advice for autistic adults about work - NASAlmost half of kids with autism are bullied, study shows
American Association of People with Disabilities
American Association on Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities
American Foundation for the Blind
American Psychological Association
American Psychological Association's Trauma Psychology Division
Americans Disabled for Accessible Public Transit
An Anti-Bullying Intervention for Children with Autism
Anxiety and Depression Association of America
AnxietySocialNet - Agoraphobia support groups and more
Archives of Scientific Psychology®
Are Autistic People More Sensitive To Trauma
Asian American Journal of Psychology
Assistance Dog Advocacy Project
The Association Between Bullying and the PsychologicalAssociation for Applied Psychophysiology and Biofeedback
Association of University Centers on Disabilities
Australian Centre for Posttraumatic Mental Health
Australasian Society for Traumatic Stress Studies
Autism and Asperger Syndrome Educator’s Guides, Organization for Autism Research (OAR)
Autism Genetics Initiative Data Archive
Autism Genetics Resource Exchange
Autism, PDD-NOS & Asperger's fact sheets | BullyingAutism, Ptsd, And Emdr | My PTSD Forum
The Autism Speaks Transition Tool Kit
Autistic Self Advocacy Network
Autism Source, Autism Society of America (ASA)
Autism Spectrum Disorder and bullying
Autism Wandering Awareness Alerts Response Education (AWAARE)
Behavior Analysis: Research and Practice
Biofeedback Foundation of Europe
BC Schizophrenia Society Foundation
Bullying | Autism SpeaksBullying Among Adolescents With Autism Spectrum DisordersBullying & Abuse | Life on the SpectrumBullying and Autism: Helping Kids CopeBullying and Autism - Medical Home Portal
Bullying and Autism Spectrum Disorders: guidance for
Bullying and autism spectrum disorders - Norfolk Schools
Bullying: children & teens with autismBullying, disability and mental health
Bullying Experiences Among Children and Youth with Autism
Bully Stoppers - Victorian Government
Canadian Foundation for Trauma Research & Education
Canadian National Institute for the Blind
Canadian Psychology / Psychologie canadienne
Cannon (1942/1957). "Voodoo" death. (Walter Cannon's seminal article on death through the shock of terror.)
Care For Disabled Veterans: Acknowledging Post-traumatic Stress Disorder from Iraq War Experience
Caring for Children With Autism Spectrum Disorders: A Resource Toolkit for Clinicians
CDC’s Disability and Health Program
CDC’s National Center on Birth Defects and Developmental Disabilities Funding Opportunities
The Center on the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning (CSEFEL)
Center for Evolutionary Psychology
Child Abuse Prevention Network
The Child Survivor of Traumatic Stress [newsletter]
Children and Adults with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
Children’s Health Insurance Program
Clinical Practice in Pediatric Psychology®
Code of Federal Regulations, Title 45, Part 46
Community Alliance for the Ethical Treatment of Youth
Council of Parent Attorneys and Advocates
Cultural Diversity & Ethnic Minority Psychology®
Data Resource Center for Child and Adolescent Health
The Decline in Child Sexual Abuse Cases.
Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance
Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics Online
Developmental Screening/Testing Coding
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders
Disability Rights Education and Defense Fund
Disabled Peoples' International
DisAbled Women's Network Canada
Down Syndrome Advocacy Foundation
Drew Westen's Lab of Personality & Psychopathology
Eastern Association for the Surgery of Trauma
EEG & Clinical Neuroscience Society
The Effects of Psychological Trauma on Children with Autism
Equal Employment Opportunity Commission
ERIC - The Experience of Friendship, Victimization and Bullying in ChildrenEuropean Federation of Associations of Families with Mental Illness
EFORT European Federation of National Associations of Orthopaedics and Traumatology
European Society for Trauma and Dissociation
European Society for Traumatic Stress Studies
Exploring the Nature of Traumatic Memory
Family Association for Mental Health Everywhere
Families for Depression Awareness
Family Council - Empowerment For Families
Focus on Bullying and Autism Spectrum Disorders | StarrFoundations of Positive Psychology
F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Down Syndrome Advocacy Group
From "Bully" to Bullied - Autism Spectrum ExplainedGalloway's Society for the Blind
The Growing Concern of Suicide and High Functioning AutismHealth Resources and Services Administration
Human Behavior and Evolution Society
Information Sheet Bullying and Autism Spectrum Disorders
International Bipolar Foundation
The International Classification of Diseases
International Consortium for Brain Mapping
International Disability and Development Consortium
International Society for Neuronal Regulation
International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies
International Trauma Studies Program
Journal of Abnormal Psychology®
Journal of Applied Psychology®
The Journal of Injury and Violence Research (JIVR)
Journal of Personality and Social Psychology®
Journal of Rural Mental Health®
Leaving the Mentally Ill Out in the Cold (newspaper/blog post)
Learning Disabilities Association of America - Disability Rights and Advocacy
Lew Goldberg's International Personality Item Pool
Life Journey Through Autism Series, Organization for Autism Research (OAR)
Maeve: Psychiatric Service Dog and Mental Health Advocate
Marriage Advocates - Infidelity and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Mencap (The Royal Society for Mentally Handicapped Children and Adults)
Mental Disability Advocacy Center
Mental Health Advocacy Services
Mental Health for Youth in Armed Conflict
Mental Health Services Locator, National Mental Health Information Center
Mental Wellness Today (magazine - has large article database)
Mood Disorders Society of Canada
Mood Disorders Association of Ontario - Helpful Links
Muscular Dystrophy Association
Naropa University: Somatic Counseling Psychology
National Advocate for People with Down Syndrome
National Association of County and City Health Officials
National Association for the Education of Young Children (NAEYC)
National Alliance on Mental Illness
National Association of the Deaf
National Association of Special Education Teachers
National Centre Against Bullying - The Alannah and Madeline Foundation
National Center for Education Statistics
National Center for Health Statistics
National Center of Medical Home Initiatives for Children with Special Needs
National Child Traumatic Stress Network
National Database for Autism Research
National Dissemination Center for Children with Disabilities (NICHCY)
National Network of Adult and Adolescent Children who have a Mentally Ill Parent
The National Professional Development Center on Autism Spectrum Disorders
NCP Clinicians Trauma Update Online
North American Society for Childhood Onset Schizophrenia
Office of the Children's eSafety Commissioner - Australian Government
Office of Special Education and Rehabilitative Services
Open Culture: Free Online Classes
Operation Autism for Military Families
A Parent’s Guide to Evidence-Based Practice and Autism
Parkinson's Disease Foundation
Pet Partners - Denied Access, Now What?
PTSD - AUTCOM - The Autism National CommitteePTSD | Autism SpeaksPost-Traumatic Stress Disorder | The Scott CenterThe Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Alliance
PTSD and Autism - The Thinking Moms' RevolutionPTSD and Autism It has amazed me how... - AutismPrejudice. No way! - NSW Government
Primate Handedness and Brain Lateralization
Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, and Policy®
Questioning Answers: PTSD and autismRacism. No way! - NSW Government
Raindrop: Death Education for Children of all Ages
Recovered Memories of Sexual Abuse: Research and Resources
Reflections on The Problem of Psychic Trauma
Retrieving, Assessing, and Classifying Traumatic Memories
Schizophrenia and Related Disorders Alliance of America - SARDAA
Schizophrenia Awareness Association of India
Schizophrenia News and Information
Schizophrenia Society of Canada
Schizophrenia Society of Ontario - Official SiteSchool Accreditation, National Association for the Education of Young Children (NAEYC)
Special Education Technical Assistance and Dissemination Network
Spina Bifida Association of America
Stigmatization of People with Autism Spectrum DisordersStress, Trauma and Sleep in Children
Suicide Awareness Voices of Education
Survey finds 63% of children with autism bullied - CBS NewsTeaching Tips for Children and Adults with Autism
Terrorism Injuries: Information, Dissemination and Exchange (TIIDE)
tips for educatorsTrauma Intervention Programs, Inc.
The Traumatic Stress Centre (Wales)
UK Psychological Trauma Society
University of Washington - Fact Sheets - Facts About Mental Illness and Violence
Using Drawing as Intervention with Traumatized Children
Washington Autism Alliance & Advocacy
Webcast Berkeley: online courses & speakers at UC Berkeley
When Bullies Target Autistic Kids | Support for Special NeedsWhy Autistic Kids Make Easy Targets for School BulliesYoung Children with Challenging Behavior
Autism & Me:
The Squidoo Lens
10th Anniversary
(2007 to 2017)
During NaNoWriMo 2007's novel writing contest, a forum thread was started... a young author wanted to write an Autistic main character and asked on the NaNoWriMo forum if any one could tell her how to write a mental illness that she did not have and also knew no one with... the result was a 700 page non-fiction book, called "Autism and Me: On Being An Adult With Autism, A Look Into My Everyday Life."
Originally published on LuLu as a book for sale, a month later I unpublished it and released it as a free to read online series of articles on Squidoo. I continued to add new articles to the series on a near monthly basis in the 10 years since then.
The series of pages linked below, are those articles, the 2007 originals, the ones written in the years since, and the 2017 10th Anniversary updates on what has changed in the decade since those first articles were released.
Don't Know Where To Start?
Start With These Two First
|
Autism & Me - Part 2: A look at REAL Autism and the urban myths spread by those with a self-diagnosis. |
"People deserve a break. The stressed and unorganized person who doesn’t have the same priorities as you. They may be dealing with an autistic child, abusive spouse, fading parents, or cancer. Don’t judge people until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. Give them a break instead."
— Guy Kawasaki
I'm a woman who has had 7 miscarriages, and wears "elaborate clothes". Because I have no children, the residents of Old Orchard Beach, beat me up, calling me a transsexual, claiming only a man would dress like I do, claiming that the reason I have no children is because I'm not really female.
They left me paralyzed and crippled.
They crushed my hips, my pelvis, and my spine, and took away, what little chance I had to carry a pregnancy to full term.
I'm crippled for the rest of my life. I can barely walk now. It's why I'm now on a cane. Any hope I had of having children is gone now.
That's the reality, of the gay hatred of this town.
I have Autism. I wear pink. I wear glitter. I talk with a "funny gay sounding voice".
Acording to the people in this towm:
I walk like a fag...
talk like a fag...
dress like a fag...
act like a fag...
and therefor must be treated like a fag...
I need to be taught my place...
I deserve to be shot in the head...
I look gay, and therefore I must be,
because no one but gay men, talk in this voice
no one but gay men wear pink
no one but gay men wear glitter
no one but gay men prance instead of walk...
so they beat me up, because I'm "too gay" for Old Orchard Beach
they cut my car in half, because I'm "too gay" for Old Orchard Beach
they put a bomb in my house, because I'm "too gay" for Old Orchard Beach
they filled my motorhome with feces, because I'm "too gay" for Old Orchard Beach
they kidnapped my cats, because I'm "too gay" for Old Orchard Beach
they drove a back hoe over my house, because I'm "too gay" for Old Orchard Beach
they cut my cats heads off and nailed their heads to my door, because I'm "too gay" for Old Orchard Beach
because I have Autism
and that makes me "too gay for the family friend town of Old Orchard Beach"
I used to dance when I walked... but after 5 months paralyzed, 18 months relearning to walk, and now 4 years later, my leg is lame and I am crippled, barely able to stand, dragging a lame leg, I'll never dance again.
Do you know what that's like?
Can you even begin to imagine?
To be an Autistic person, who can no longer dance when I walk?
They hate gay men so much, that they are willing to beat up a childless autistic women, in ill health, accusing her of being a transvestite.
Because these evil people took away my ability to have children, I had cats; but they took my cats, and cut off their heads, and nailed them to my door.
Welcome to Old Orchard Beach. The gay-hating capital of Maine.
This is the reality of how Autistics are seen by the world.
This is the reality of how Autistics are treated by "normal" people.
This is the reality of being transgender in Old Orchard Beach.
This is the reality of what bullies do to someone with mental illnesses, they do not understand.
This is the reality of living with Autism.
Do You Know The Identity
of the People Who Did These Things?
Have Information?
Please Call FBI Agent
Andy Drewer @ (207) 774-9322
“Don’t turn your face away.
Once you’ve seen, you can no longer act like you don’t know.
Open your eyes to the truth. It’s all around you.
Don’t deny what the eyes to your soul have revealed to you.
Now that you know, you cannot feign ignorance.
Now that you’re aware of the problem, you cannot pretend you don’t care.
To be concerned is to be human.
― Vashti Quiroz-Vega
"Ignore and ignorance share the same root."
— Kathryn Erskine
“With ignorance comes fear- from fear comes bigotry. Education is the key to acceptance.”
― Kathleen Patel, The Bullying Epidemic-the guide to arm you for the fight
A Plea To NaNoWriMo Overachievers:
If You're Gonna Write Autistic Characters,
Then Stop Research Asperger's And
Start Researching Autism For A Change!
"Can anyone tell me how to write characters with autism while avoiding stereotypes? Thank you."
Here is my response to a question from the NaNoWriMo forums on avoiding the stereo types when writing about characters with Autism:
"Can anyone tell me how to write characters with autism while avoiding stereotypes? Thank you."
My response, resulted in a 700+ page non-fiction book on living with autism.
The response, went off into a rant, not because of the person asking the question, but instead, because of the 300+ Asperger's patients who responded to the question to tell her how to write ASPEGER'S characters, all while claiming their Asperger's was the SAME THING as Autism.
More then 2,000 forum posts were added to the thread, by these 300+ people, boldly spreading huge amounts of extremely inaccurate misinformation about what Autism is and is not, and helping to spread the urban myth that Aspergers is a type of Autism.
Sadly after taking 3 days to read every post on the thread, I finally reached the end to find that not even ONE of the more then 2,000 posts had given her ANY information about Autism.
My response is too long for one page, all pages are being linked to here:
Think you know what it's like to live with Autism?
You might be surprised how little you really know.
A look at REAL Autism and the myth spread by those with a self-diagnosis.
Got An Autism Related Site Or Blog?
Want To Embed These Quotes, Memes, and Fact Sheets On Your Site?
Here's How:
- Step 1: Go to this Pinterest Board:
- Step 2: Click on the pin quote/meme you want to use.
- Step 3: Click the 3 dots "..."
- Step 4: Click the word "embed"
- Step 5: Select the pin size (I'm using size "medium" on these pages, in case you were wondering.)
- Step 6: Highlight & copy the html code.
- Step 7: Paste code into any html block on your blog or website.
- Step 8: Save & publish your blog or website. And you're done!
 | |
|
Ads by Amazon |
|
| |
|
Ads by Amazon |
|
| |
|
Ads by Amazon |
Quaraun & Autism In Fantasy Novels
 |
QUESTION: Other characters call Quaraun insane, retarded, stupid, an idiot, or a dolt. He seems to have a mental illness. What is wrong with him?
ANSWER: I have Savant Autism, Clinical Depression, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and many people are quick to tell you that I am "insane" because of those things. My entire life everyone has from my parents and relatives in my childhood, to my friends in my adults years, introduce me to people as "This is Wendy, just ignore her. She's insane." I long ago accepted the fact that I have those disorders and that I must be insane otherwise, why would so many people say it? Actually I came to accept the fact that I was insane at the ripe old age of 8 years old, so you can tell how long people, especially my aunts and uncles have been calling me that. I do not like that people call me insane and often ask people to stop saying that about me because it hurts my feelings. People laugh at the idea that a "retarded crazy person" could possibly have feelings, and continue to call me insane.
I have Autism. I write what I know. So, let's try that again, and see what we get this time, eh?
Quaraun has Savant Autism, Clinical Depression, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. His entire life everyone has from his parents and relatives in his childhood, to his friends in his adults years, introduces him to people as "This is Quaraun, just ignore him. He's insane." He becomes known as Quaraun the Insane, because of the name calling. He does not like that people call him Quaraun the Insane and often asks people to stop saying that about him because it hurts his feelings. People laugh at the idea that a "retarded crazy person" could possibly have feelings, and continue to call him Quaraun the Insane.
Yeah. There it is. Quaraun's character is based largely off myself. He sees the world as I see the world.
I am also mixed blood (red, brown, and black, but look white) married to a white man, who's family came from a very snooty pure-blood background (and are white supremacists) and are thus very much in non-approval of our relationship. Which is thus why I wrote Quaraun, from a very pure blooded race of Elves, with his lover Unicorn/BoomFuzzy being a black Asian mixed blood.
Other characters in the series are quick to call Quaraun stupid and idiot, because of his Autism, and they are also quick to point to his black skinned, Asian looking lover and say, "Here's proof he's stupid, he's white and he's got a coloured lover." (Yes, white people have actually said this to me and my partner.)
A lot of people don't understand what it is like to live with Autism. Most don't want to understand. Most don't care. Hell, the average person doesn't even know what Autism is.
Watch this video. This is what Quaraun has. This is what Quaraun is acting like. This is what he is talking like. This is why people are picking on him so badly:
 |
Unfortunately, most people think Autism is synonymous with "retard or "crazy" or "insane".
 |
And they only THOUGHT I was crazy before ... now they know it. ;)
Ah! But you see the problem with bullies is this: I've been bullied on a daily basis for over 40 years now. I have a very thick shell now. And, while you are calling me crazy, and making a fool of yourself on a forum, I can laugh, because I KNOW that I'm crazy, and being a carnival Gypsy circus clown I get paid to act crazy, and, I am purposely, intentionally, and professional crazy both online and offline, because crazy is what I'm known for. Crazy is what I do. I can turn it on and off at will. I go out of my way, to make a fool of myself ON PURPOSE. Crazy is my brand. My trademark. And I do thing to make people laugh, so you laughing at me, trying to make your laughter hurt, doesn't work on me anymore, and all you are really doing, making yourself look bad.
Let's go over some of the things people say about me, which inspired me to create this character.
Autism is not synonymous with retarded, but try to tell people that. They're not gonna believe you.
Autism is not synonymous with genius, but try to tell people that. They're not gonna believe you.
Autism is not synonymous with stupid, but try to tell people that. They're not gonna believe you.
Autism is not synonymous with Downs Syndrome, but try to tell people that. They're not gonna believe you.
Autism is not synonymous with schizophrenia, but try to tell people that. They're not gonna believe you.
Autism is not synonymous with insanity, but try to tell people that. They're not gonna believe you.
People with Autism, live very lonely lives because the average person, would rather tease, bully, pick on, push around, and slap mean lables on anyone who is "different."
While people with Autism CAN live an average lifespan of 70 to 90 years, 80% of all Autistics commit suicide between the age of 25 and 50. Most people with Autism are bullied so bad, that 70% of all Autistic adult commit suicide before the age of 35. It is very rare to see an Autistic adult over the age of 35 for that reason.
The #1 cause of death in Autistic adults is suicide. Autistics commit suicide because they feel alone, and in spite of the stereotypes, they HATE being alone. Autistic adults are always alone because every time they try to make friends with anyone they get told they are not allowed in public places with their "friends" because their "friends" don't want people knowing they know "retards. Autistics are single out and bullied because they are different. It's very depressing having no one willing to be seen in public with you, no one willing to be friends with you, and everyone else hitting you, punching you, pulling your hair, throwing stuff at you, and calling you names or saying they want you dead, just because you are different.
And not all different is created equal. There are "different" people who "normal" people consider okay, because they are trying to be different to stand out or be cool or whatever. That's "good different."
Then there's "bad different", which differance you are born with and have no control over, such as race, skin color, gender identity, sexuality, physical or mental disabilities, deformities...or even war injuries, a soldier who's lost his legs, for example. These are "bad" different, the type of "different people" who "normal" people, ignore, don't want to see, pretend don't exist, or worse: bully, abuse, take advantage of, tease, injury, or even kill...because they are different.
Quaraun is different on many levels. He's a race that is not well like by most races. Even within his own people he is not accepted because he is gay (in a culture that executes gay men and view them as a plague). Most gay men in his culture hide it, however, Quaraun is a transvestite, more then that, he's practically an Elf version of Liberace, which makes it rather difficult to hide his "gayness". And he's a Necromancer in a land that has laws forbidding Dark Arts. And he's not hiding any of these things.
AND...
He is Autistic. He has slightly more independence and self-care ability then say Rainman, but he's not high functioning like say Sheldon. Growing up he was seen as a "curse". Afflicted with a disability that no one around him could understand and no one, especially not his family, was willing to accept. As a child and into his young adult years he was horribly abused by his father and uncle, often locked in an empty room by himself for days on end. Forgotten and alone. His family hides him from society, ashamed of his very existence.
In his teen years Quaraun escapes the house on brief occasions, but is meet with bullying and teasing and being brutalized by everyone he meets, and so flees the outside world, back to the abusive family that hates him.
The series starts when Quaraun is an adult, on his own, and wandering from one end of the world to another, desperately wanting to find a place he will be accepted. All he really wants is to find someone, anyone, willing to spend time with him, for the loneliness he feels is unbearable and he's fast losing the will to continue to live in a world where not one single person cares about him at all.
Oooh. The song stopped playing. Let's get it on there again.
One of the problems with my Autism is the "Selective Mutism" which a lot of people do not understand at all. See, I can talk, but I rarely am able to talk. It confuses people, how it can be that I CAN talk but I CAN'T talk either.
Selective Mutism (SM) is an anxiety disorder in which a person who is normally capable of speech loses the ability to speak in specific situations or to or around specific people.
According to Wikipedia:
|
Children and adults with selective mutism are fully capable of speech and understanding language but fail to speak in certain situations, though speech is expected of them.[3] The behaviour may be perceived as shyness or rudeness by others. A child with selective mutism may be completely silent at school for years but speak quite freely or even excessively at home. There is a hierarchical variation among people with this disorder: some people participate fully in activities and appear social but do not speak, others will speak only to peers but not to adults, others will speak to adults when asked questions requiring short answers but never to peers, and still others speak to no one and participate in few, if any, activities presented to them. In a severe form known as "progressive mutism", the disorder progresses until the person with this condition no longer speaks to anyone in any situation, even close family members. Selective mutism is by definition characterized by the following: Consistent failure to speak in specific social situations (in which there is an expectation for speaking, e.g., at school) despite speaking in other situations. The disturbance interferes with educational or occupational achievement or with social communication. The duration of the disturbance is at least 1 month (not limited to the first month of school). The failure to speak is not due to a lack of knowledge of, or comfort with, the spoken language required in the social situation. The disturbance is not better accounted for by a communication disorder (e.g., stuttering) and does not occur exclusively during the course of a pervasive developmental disorder, schizophrenia, or other psychotic disorder. Selective mutism is strongly associated with anxiety disorders, particularly social anxiety disorder. In fact, the majority of children diagnosed with selective mutism also have social anxiety disorder (100% of participants in two studies and 97% in another).[4][5][6] Some researchers therefore speculate that selective mutism may be an avoidance strategy used by a subgroup of children with social anxiety disorder to reduce their distress in social situations.[7][8] Particularly in young children, SM can sometimes be confused with an autism spectrum disorder, especially if the child acts particularly withdrawn around their diagnostician, which can lead to incorrect treatment. Although autistic people may also be selectively mute, they display other behaviors—hand flapping, repetitive behaviors, social isolation even among family members (not always answering to name, for example)—that set them apart from a child with selective mutism. Some autistic people may be selectively mute due to anxiety in social situations that they do not fully understand. If mutism is entirely due to autism spectrum disorder, it cannot be diagnosed as selective mutism as stated in the last item on the list above.[citation needed] Selective mutism may co-exist with or cause the child to appear to have attention deficit disorder. Many people with the inattentive form of ADHD show little or no interest in other people. People with inattentive ADHD may appear to be "space cadets" or "out in their own world", and may be slower to respond to social stimuli. Children with selective mutism, especially when they have severe social anxiety, may also display this behavior. In addition, many children with selective mutism are highly sensitive, and they may be distracted from the task at hand by sensory input or their anxiety.[citation needed] The former name elective mutism indicates a widespread misconception among psychologists that selective mute people choose to be silent in certain situations, while the truth is that they often wish to speak but cannot. To reflect the involuntary nature of this disorder, the name was changed to selective mutism in 1994. The incidence of selective mutism is not certain. Due to the poor understanding of this condition by the general public, many cases are likely undiagnosed. Based on the number of reported cases, the figure is commonly estimated to be 1 in 1000, 0.1%.[9] However, a 2002 study in The Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry estimated the incidence to be 0.71%.[10]  |
This is one of the most frustrating and infuriating symptoms of my Autism. I can talk. I have the ability to talk, and yet there are exact seven people with whom I am able to speak with on a normal level. For everybody else, it doesn't matter how much I try to make words come out, I simply can not make the words exit my mouth. And it is extremely frustrating, because I WANT to talk, I'd like to talk, my mouth is moving, but nothing is coming out. You have no idea how frustrating this is for me.
It'd be one thing if I could speak, but the thing is I CAN speak, sometimes. I don't know why I can't speak all the time.
And it's not consistent. With the 7 people mention above, I can talk, fully fluently. There are other people, for example the various D&D game groups I play with, my teachers/professors in college, some of the locals here around town, whom I can talk to, but not well. It's different depending on who I'm talking to, where I am, and what the situation is.
Sometimes, my speak turns garbled, with words reversed and sentence spoken in the wrong order.
Other times I start talking really, really,