Twerking Dragons
The Joys Of Writing A Novel With A Voice Recorder

Twerking Dragons?
What The Hell Is A Twerking Dragon?
Can Dragons Twerk?

As you know, I vlog on a camcorder. However, I've only been vlogging for a little over a year. On the other hand, I've carried a voice recorder with my for close to  decade. Ironically, it's called Dragon. I say ironic because, dragons is the topic of discussion today.

I used to draw fine detailed portraits of people, now due to an increased degrading of my muscles, I'm lucky if I can draw stick figures. For the past several years, doctor thought it was A.L.S., but as of February 2017, they've chaged the diagnosis to Parkinson's. Either way, I can barely lift 10lbs, am on doctors orders not to attempt to lift anything 20lbs, and can not grip my hands. I can not open cans or jars as I can not grip can openers or covers. As an artists and author, that also means I'm losing the ability to grip pens and paintbrushes.

In 2010 I had a stroke. Since then, typing my novels has been difficult, as is the handwriting my first drafts long hand with pen and paper. In 2013, I was attacked from behind by an unknown person who left me paralyzed, further increasing my difficulty in using my hands.

The result of all of this, is my use of a voice recorder the past several years, for wrting my novels. I speak, it records, I upload to my computer, my word processor types it up. I edit it. Then off to publish.

If you've ever read the Quaraun series, you know the voice recorder can spit out some weird miss-spellings, insane typos, and crazed miss translations of words.

Heck, if you've ever read a page of my website here, you know the mass amount of miss-spellings, typos, and auto corrections to the wrong words, that the voice recorder can spit out and they then remain here sometimes for months before I realize it typed up something completely different than what I actually said.

The problem is due to the fact that:

  • #1: I have an accent, the voice recorder skips words I "don't accent correctly"
  • #2: I have Autism and the distinctive "autistic voice" (known as "the gay voice" by bigots)
  • #3: I tend to talk very fast, so it doesn't hear about 1 in every 3 words.
  • #4: American English is not my first language. Scottish English is my native tongue, and the words are different, many words I say, I forget the Americans don't use, and likewise, neither does the voice recorder.
  • #5: The voice recorder has identified me as "Canadian" and attempts to use "Canadian words", whatever those are.
  • #6: Once in a while the voice recorder identifies me a Irish, automatically changes setting to Irish English, and then tries to tell me it can't record because the GPS signal is coming from United States instead of United Kingdom. *sigh*
  • #7: The voice recorder refuses to acknowledge the existence of Scottish English. 

So much for writing my novels with Dragon voice recording software.

Seeing how my recording device is very old and no longer accepts the current software updates, and seeing how I for the first time in my life, now own a cell phone (since June 20, 2017), I decided to try the Dragon voice recording app. It HAD to be better then the old handheld microphone device, right?

So, I get the app, and last week, I'm walking around with my dog, talking into the phone about Quaraun and Unicorn. Ben comes over, interrupts me. I put it away and forget about it until this morning, 9 days later.

I can not remember what the hell I said, but I know I most definitely did not say "Twerking Dragons".

I thought the original voice recorder was messed up? Boy, it ain't nothing compared to the new app version.

Here's what it recorded:

Twerking twerking dragons going to Rings embedded that's hysterical it's with magical powers but is this Really. Chrome The Afflicted goosepond he could sense he had said something wrong what? You need them more than most. Do I? Yes you do. Why? Goosepond stared at unicorn dumbfounded croons silently thought about the thing these things for a moment and I got that wrong and it's part of everything I'm saying before responding. That would give you an excuse that would give me an excuse to rub them with honey and lick it off. Entering the castle the castle is about 4 hours ride from the village in the midst of the sick Oak Forest fall in the middle of a text to change that it's a squat done shaped single-story affair while there are many windows series human the only one entrance Looking Through the Windows from the outside reveals nothing but Smokey grey Mist attempting to bludgeon down deep Legend down tempting to bludgeon down the wall or break a window accomplishes nothing other than to prove that the entire Castle seems to be indestructible.  Barricades hi barricades block the hallways immediately immediately south of the heavy Dwarven door which is not a door window trying to be a brass door I like presto presto broken Timbers and Furniture brace with Boulders and heavy human blocks stand 3 to 5 ft tall through the entrance into the entire intersection anime figures ready Spears and take position to engage the newcomers on closer approach to characters see that their enemies are elves who have grown almost pure white in the darkness of the dungeon and the glimmer of fierce Madness shines in their eyes. 

What the hell?

What is that gibberish it spit out?

What is a twerking dragon? Do dragons even twerk? Why are they twerking twice?

And there are no dragons in this particular novel. I never once said dragon or twerking.

It translated Quaraun's name into "croons". This one I understand, as Quaraun is an obscure ancient Persian name and saying it does sound LIKE "CRAY-oon" (actual pronunciation is: KWE-rone), so it typing "croons" instead, actually makes sense. My question now is, how do I turn the voice recorder's mistake into a writing prompt that I can actually use in this novel? So, I guess now Quaraun croons? What does croons mean? I know it's a word. I don't know what it means.

Dungeon usually turned into bludgeon, though is understood dungeon as dungeon a few times. Again, this one is logical, given my accent and the fact that the two words sound similar.

Goosepond is obviously it's miss-translation of GhoulSpawn. Again, a logical mistake on the voice recorder's part. GhoulSpawn is actually a name that the 7th Sanctum's Evil name generator spit out years ago. It's completely made up, and GhoulSpawn does sound similar to Goose Pond, especially the way I say it. How to make this a writing prompt? I suppose I could send GhoulSpawn to a Goose Pond, but why would I do that? Should I add a Goose Pond to the story? In a frozen desert? How am I going to fit a Goose Pond into a story set in a frozen desert that's inhabitants worship slushies? Could it be that the source of Bazooloo's water for making slushies is in fact a Goose Pond in a cavern hidden below his church?

Why is the word "chrome" stuck in there for no reason? No idea what I could have said that it translated into "chrome". Quaraun, chrome, croons, do all sound similar. Is chrome another word it used in place of Quaraun's name? Possibly. Only logical thing I can think of. Quaraun loves glitter. Quaraun would love Chrome. Did they have chrome in the 1400s? GhoulSpawn drives a 1974 AMC Gremlin... it has chrome on it. GhoulSpawn is an LSD addicted time traveller from the 1970s stuck in the 1400s with Quaraun and Unicorn, he knows what chrome is, but I don't think either Quaraun or Unicorn would.

What the heck is this line talking about: "fall in the middle of a text to change that it's a squat done shaped single-story affair"? That's not even a sentence. It makes no sense at all. I've no clue what it is trying to say or how to make this a writing prompt.

Why is it using the word Dwarven? What the hell? There are no Dwarves or Dwarven anything in this novel, yet there it is, the word Dwarven for no reason. Since it is there near the door, I think I must have said brazen? The door is made of bronze, so brazen door is something I might have said. Why did it type Dwarven Door instead? Perhaps it should be a brass door made by Dwarves seeing how it decided to stick Dwarven doors in there instead a bronze doors?

What is this "sick Oak Forest" it speaks of? They are in a desert. No forest in sight. Why did it add that "sick Oak Forest" in the middle of my snow covered desert? And how does a forest get sick? Are the trees dying from lack of water? It is a desert after all. Hmmmmm.... interesting... does this mean that i wasn't a desert a few years ago? Did the desert magically arrive and bury a once majestic oak forest? I must think on this some more... it has possible plot twist points to imply that Bazooloo, is doing more then with holding water from the people...what if he is not a preist but a wizard and brought the desert with him?

What is "the smokey grey mist"? I can't figure out what I said that it translated into "smokey grey mist". Do mists exist in the desert? What if it was a magical mist? A miasma perhaps?

What are "heavy human blocks"? I had said something about a collapsed wall blocking their way, and it translated that into "heavy human blocks".

And what is "presto"? It typed presto several times. Is that even a word? I don't know American English well enough to know what the word presto is. I never heard of it before. "I like presto" it says. I suppose I could have Quaraun blurt out "I like pesto". Pesto is a word I know. It's some sort of food thing, but I've never tried it so no clue what it tastes like or how to go about describing it.

Why does it keep doubling words? "twerking twerking dragons", "the castle the castle", and "I like presto presto". And what the heck is presto? GhoulSpawn stutters when nervous. Perhaps this is an indication it should be GhoulSpawn who says these things? Does GhoulSpawn like pesto?

Unicorn did say he was gonna rub honey on Quaraun's nipples, then lick it off. It got that part right. Almost. The nipples vanished at some point in the translation. There is no word that resembles nipples anywhere. Did it just ignore that word for no reason at all?

Why is it randomly adding periods wherever the hell it feels like and not putting them at the ends of the actual sentences?

Why is it randomly capitalizing some words for no reason at all?

What the hell?

I was writing a scene for City of the Slushies.

What I actually said to it, was a scene were Quaraun, Unicorn, and GhoulSpawn, have found a hidden door in Bazooloo's church, and have gone down the stairs to a deep dark dungeon, and found some crazed half starved Elves who've gone mad from thirst and dehydration. The scene contained no dragons, no twerking, no oaks, no forest, and no Dwarves.

I'm left to stare at the deranged ravings my voice recorder spit out and wonder: "Should I use this as a writing prompt and actually add these things to the novel even though not one of them matches the plot or makes any sense at all?"

The answer:


Of course.

Why not.

But how?

This novel is still in it's very early first draft plot as I go stage, so I can certainly find a way to add all these weird things the voice recorder has determined I should add to it.

How do I put a sick oak forest in a desert? Why would there be a goose pond in the desert? Are there Dwarves in this desert somewhere that I don't yet know about?

And do dragons twerk?

Seeing how it was a Quaraun novel, and he does have a pet dragon, and it is Bizarro... I suppose I could have his dragon twerking at some point.... boy the weird things my voice recorder thinks I say!

I like writing my novels using random generators off 7th Sanctum, but, this voice recorder seems to do just as well at spitting out random shit to inspire me to write with. Only problem is, it didn't write what I told it to write and now I can't remember what it is I told it to write, so I've lost an entire section of the novel.

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