Quaraun The Insane: Volume 9 or 21
The Jiggler & The G-String Teddy Bears

The Jiggler & The G-String Teddy Bears: Chapter 1

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The Jiggler & The G-String Teddy Bears
Free Sample Excerpt From The Novel

The Jiggler & The G-String Teddy Bears
Chapter 1

We interrupt our regularly scheduled story to bring you: BATDUDE!

Our story begins in the 1960s, somewhere in America. No one is really sure where, though according to one H.P.Lovecraft Arkam Asylum was in Massachusetts, and presumably, BatDude and PigeonPoopBoy had escaped them there, claiming to be off to save the world from the Dastardly green haired Jiggler, a critic hating author, whom had just published a novel about teddy bears, and was currently pacing through his mansion, wearing nothing but a purple sequined g-string and bemoaning the 52 negative reviews his book had received.

"Holy Gourda, BatDude, what is it?" 

"I don't know, Pigeon Poop Boy, but I think it's a teddy bear."

"Batdude, you don't mean to say The Jiggler is animating teddy bears for minions now do you?"

"I'm afraid that's what it looks like Pigeon Poop Boy."

"Holy hand grenades, BatDude what was that!"

"It's was a book bomb, Pigeon Poop Boy. That teddy bear thinks we're literary critics!"

BatDude was a human, a man in a black and purple leather bird costume. His companion Pigeon Poop Boy was also human. He was wearing a blue leotard with grey feathers glued to it.  


Meanwhile...back in the 1400s, where we were supposed to be to begin with...in a quiet Human village on the outskirts of Quebec... a tired transvestite Elf wearing a pink sequined ball gown, wrapped in a pink turkey feather boa, and travelling with two undead Faeries, one a vampire leprechaun and the other a Lich Phooka, had decided to rest for the night at a small tavern. The trio of non-Humans found a secluded booth in the back of the building and tried not to draw attention to themselves. This however, did not last long, as the bored and hyperactive Phooka, began teasing the tired, and cranky Elf.... 


"STOP IT!" Quaraun screamed, as he pulled away from Unicorn and kicked the Phooka in the face, sending the Phooka, and the table he'd been sitting under, flying across the room. FarDarrig sat, holding his drink, and wishing he'd also been holding his bottle, as it was now shattered on the floor along with their meals.

"Did you really have to do that," FarDarrig ask the angry Elf.

"I don't want him doing that in public," Quaraun snarled, as he sunk back into the bench seat and closed his eyes.

"Yis in the back booth of a seedy tavern, slunk away in a dark corner," FarDarrig answered. "I don't think any one was gonna notice or care if ya let him suck you off in public or not."

Quaraun opened one eye and glared at the Leprechaun.

"You make me get my wand out and I'm gonna blow you up in so many pieces, Unicorn won't be able to rebuild you."

"There's nothing worse then a bitchy, whinny assed Necromancer," the undead Leprechaun muttered.

"Not when you're undead, and both of you are," Quaraun answered.

Quaraun closed his eye again.

Unicorn stood up, with both hands over his nose.

"You okay?" FarDarrig asked the Phooka.

"I t'inks him done gone broke me nose," Unicorn said.

"I thought you were a Lich?"

"I is a Lich."

"Then how can you suffer from a broken anything?"

"Just because I does resurrect every time him lose him temper un kills me, does no mean I does no gets hurt. How ya t'inks I can die so often? I is Lich, aye. All that means is no matter how many times ya kills me, I always get back up. I does no stay dead. I can still get hurtified. I can still bleeds. Look! I is bleeding now! I can still has broken bones in me body. How ya t'inks I die iffy I does no get hurt?"

Unicorn picked up the table and tossed it back in it's proper place that sat down on top of it, cross legged and staring intently at Quaraun, who still had his eyes closed and was trying to ignore everything going on around him so he could get some much needed sleep.

Quaraun sensed Unicorn's gaze opened his eyes once again and stared at the undead creature, sitting on the table staring down at him.

"What are you doing?" the sleepy Moon Elf asked.

"I is waiting for ya to falls to sleep sos I can rape ya."

"Of course you are. Why didn't I think of that?"

Quaraun sat back up straight and called a bar maid to bring him more wine.

"I shall drug it," Unicorn said.

"Here! Be my guest."

Quaraun handed his mug to the Phooka.

"I could use some colour in my life," he continued. "This place is dull and dreary."

"You know," FarDarrig said. "A stranger would think you two hated each other."

"Meaning?" Quaraun asked.

"Meaning you just kicked him in the face and now he's sitting there happily pouring whatever the hell that is, into your wine."

Quaraun looked from FarDarrig back to Unicorn and watched the Faerie dumping white powder into his drink. The Phooka handed the mug back to the Elf. Quaraun stared at it for a moment, looked back up at Unicorn, then took the mug and drank it's contents.

"I don't seem to care," Quaraun said to FarDarrig as he put the mug back on the table.

"I can't believe you just drank that."

"Why wouldn't I?"

"He's a Phooka, you have any idea what kind of side effects Phookan drugs have on Elves?"

"Of course I do. I live with him. He drugs me all the time. I'm used to it."

"It really doesn't bother you?"

"I just told you I don't care."

"Why not?"

"Have you ever seen how big his cock is?"

"Measuring his cock wasn't something I ever planned to do, no."

"And he has two of them."


"He doesn't brag to being a double dicked unicorn for nothing."

"Why does he have two dicks?" FarDarrig turned to Unicorn. "Why do you have two dicks? You didn't used to have two dicks."

Unicorn pointed to Quaraun.

"He did it. Him evil wizard wid sick mind. Him one day make wish I could double stuff him. I now have two dicks. Him did grant him own wish. Though I is no complaining. Me does like having two dicks. One for each hand, when they is not in him."

"Why are we talking about dicks?" FarDarrig asked.

"Because," Quaraun answered. "You wanted to know why I let him drug me. He's horny out of his mind right now. Only getting hornier by the minute. I ain't got no strength in me. I'm weak, I'm tired. I can't fight him off, when I'm awake and good health. Sooner or later, prob'ly within the next few minutes, both his dicks are going to be in me, and I'd rather not be able to feel the pain when he does it."

"He's about to rape you and you're about to let him."

"He doesn't rape me, FarDarrig. He never does. He never has."



"That's not what I'm hearing."

"Well then, you ain't listening."

"I am. I'm listening to a weak, sick, tired, injured Elf complaining that he wants to sleep and he knows he's going get ass fucked the moment he tries to, so he's taking drugs beforehand sos it won't hurt as much when it happens. That doesn't sound like you being a willing participant in his fucking you, and that therefore is rape."

"It's not rape."

"How do you come to that conclusion?"

"Because if I really didn't want it happening, I would unLichify him and drop his rotted corpse off in the nearest graveyard. I never said he couldn't fuck me, I like it when he fucks me, he fucks me every damned day. I just said I didn't want it to hurt when it happened. He's more then welcome to take whatever pleasure he wants out of me, I'd just like to not feel like I'm being split in half while he does it. He's not exactly gentle. He does tend to just dive into me like an axe splitting a log. Then he just keeps right on pounding into me. And he doesn't stop when I pass out. I wouldn't be at all surprised if when I finally died, I die from him fucking me to death....WHAT?"

Quaraun stopped talking to glare at the bar maid who was standing, jaw dropped listening to what he'd been saying.

"Uhm...I..." the girl didn't know what to say. She was still trying to comprehend how it was one male could fuck another male.

"I pay you to bring me food and drink," Quaraun snarled at her. "Not eavesdrop on my private conversations."


The girl was staring wide eyed at the Elf. It was scary enough for her to have to serve non-Humans. She and the other girls had drawn straws to see who it was would have to wait on the Elf and his two Fae friends. She'd gotten the short end of the stick and was none too pleased. Elves were practically extinct, Faeries were seen so rarely that most people joked they were never real to begin with. No one in the village had ever seen a non-Human before and so half the village was in the tavern just now, trying to get a glimpse of the strange trio resting here. Two of the three being wizards didn't help the issue any, not when the Guild had a nasty habit of killing every resident of every village that opened it's doors to wizards, and worse then just wizards was Necromancers, and here was not just any Necromancer, but the dreaded Pink Necromancer himself, and everyone knew the Pink Necromancer traveller with a Lich, the fierce Elf Eater of Pepper Valley himself, an undead creature that laid waste to any village who refused to let him in. Here was the Pink Necromancer and the Elf Eater, both standing inches in front of her, arguing about their sex lives, and the poor girl was having all she could do not to have a heart attack just then. 

Quaraun rammed his finger onto the center of the table.

"Put my food on the table and leave," he ordered. "Go back to what ever the hell it is you Humans do."

The girl quickly tossed the platter on the table beside Unicorn, then scurried away, back to the bar where the other girls were gathered, whispering about the arrival of the dreaded Pink Necromancer in their town.

"Humans," Quaraun muttered to himself in the most disgusted tone he could muster. "Scum of the Earth. Nothing but a parasitic plague of over sized lice. Why must we be forced to exist along side such filth?"

"Ya know," Unicorn pointed out. "If ya would fuck a few females once in a while, Elves would no be dying out so fast."

"And where do you suggest I find a female Elf to fuck? I'm the last damned Moon Elf on the planet, or have you forgotten that?"

"Plenty of females here for ya to fuck," Unicorn said, pointing to the bar maids and not looking at Quaraun.

FarDarrig grabbed all the bottles off the table, slunk down out of his chair and went to the next table.

"What?" Unicorn asked FarDarrig, still not paying attention to Quaraun. He looked around the room. The Humans were all squished back against the wall, staring in his direction in terror.

Unicorn turned back to Quaraun. "Ohhh."

Quaraun was now standing up, one hand one the table, the other gripping his Rainbow Wand pointed inches from Unicorn's nose, blazing fury of pure hatred raging through his eyes. Small sparks of lightening zapped from the wand, and shimmered over Quaraun making any eerie glowing blow aura around him.

"How... dare... you suggest I consort with HUMANS!" The angry Necromancer roared. "There's too many of them as it is, without my helping to create even more of them. The last thing this world needs is Half Elf mongrels running in it! There's already too many Elves ploughing their seed in the wretches scum of Human filth!"

"Weeell," Unicorn said, sliding back away from the aim of the Necromancer's wand. "Maybe ya should had thunk of that before losing ya temper an killin' every one in ya village. Then ya'd still have yarself so pure blood Moon Elf bitches to fuck."

"They deserved to die and you know it."

"Does I?" Unicorn carefully reached over and pulled the wand out of Quaraun's hand, and tried shaking it to turn it off.

"They killed YOU."

"I commit suicide, Quaraun. Ya used it as an excise to kill every one who every pissed ya off."

"You died."

"And ya did gone an resurrect me. Now I's a Lich. How do ya turns this t'ing off?"

Quaraun sighed and sat back down. He watched Unicorn fumble with the wand. 

"Gimie that, before you blow this whole town up."

Quaraun grabbed the wand and stuffed it back in his pink beaded heart shaped bag of holding. Then he looked around at the crowd of a dozen or so Humans that were gathered around their table.

"Oh go jump off a cliff," Quaraun growled to them. 

None of them moved. Most of them looked too scared to move.

"I t'ink they is ready to shit their pants," Unicorn laughed.

"Can't say as I blame 'em," FarDarrig said from the other table. "Got a high strung Necromancer over there."

"Why are you staring at me?" Quaraun asked the nearest Human.

"Your ears..." the man said.

Quaraun twitched his foot long ears, causing the many silver rings and chains, connecting from them to his nose, to tinkle.

"What is wrong with my ears?"

"Well, I always heard Elves had pointy ears, but..."

"But what?"

"Begging ya pardon, sir, but you look like a rabbit. And you're white as a ghost. Milk isn't as white as you. And your hair..."

"You don't like my hair?"

"There ain't no women never had hair as long as yours. You're like that woman what got herself locked in the tower."


"That's the one."

"Always is."

"Do all Elves dress like you?"

"No," Quaraun said sarcastically. "I'm pretending to be a prostitute."

"Oooh, I see." The man nodded, not realizing Quaraun was making fun of his ignorance.

Quaraun laid his head on the table.

"Whhhhhy are Humans soooo stuuuuuupid?" He moaned into the tablecloth. He sat back up and turned to the Human. "I am a Wizard of the DiJinn Order. This is how we dress. I'm a priest. These are the robes of our order. Do you know nothing of the DiJinn?"

"Genies are those wish granting wizards ain't they? Grant wishes for people. Like how you gave him two dicks, right?" The Human answered brightly, proud of the fact that he knew what the wizard was talking about, while pointing to Unicorn.

Quaraun turned to Unicorn.

"Why did I give you two dicks?"

"Ya was drunk," Unicorn said. "And high on poppies. And wanted a horse's dick stuffed up ya ass. Twice. At the same time."

"You know I don't remember any of that, right?"

"I knows. Sooner or later I'lls figure a way to get me horn up their same time as both me dicks."

Quaraun was about to yell at the Phooka but a Human interrupted him.

"Can I touch your ears," the Human asked, growing bolder as he took a few steps closer to Quaraun.

"NO!" The Elf shouted, causing all the Humans to jump back.

He stood there looking around the room at them.

"Have you really never seen an Elf before? None of you?"

They all shook their heads and muttered various version of "no".

Quaraun shook his head sadly.

"There used to be a time when people were surprised to see a Moon Elf, now every one is surprised just to see an Elf at all, of any type. What is the world coming to?"

"I tolds ya," Unicorn said. "Ya gotta give up on yar purity t'ing. Gotta start fucking every female ya sees, whiles ya still young enough to get it up. Ain't many males Elves left. Ya don't start repopulating, there soon won't be no Elves at all. Yis an olde Elf and ya ain't getting no younger. There be a whole bevy of females right over there. This crowd so scared of Elves, ain't no one here gonna stop ya.  At this point even half Elves is better then no Elves."

Quaraun glared at Unicorn, but said nothing. He was feeling woozy just then. The drug Unicorn had dumped in his wine was starting to take effect.

Quaraun was trying to think of an answer to Unicorn, as well as think of a way to getting the crowd of Humans to go back to what they were doing allowing him and his friends to rest from their travels in peace, when the air around them was interrupted by an earth shattering

27,706 / 50,000 words.
85/ 160 pages.
Draft @ 55.41%
Last updated on
March 13, 2015


A giant hole opened in the ceiling, the sky from another world could be seen over head.

Two masked Humans, one dressed as a bat, the other dressed as a bird, came tumbling out. Followed by two life sized teddy bears.

"Holy Gourda, BatDude, what is it?" Cried the young bird boy.

"I don't know, Pigeon Poop Boy," answered the bat. "But I think it's a teddy bear."

"Batdude, you don't mean to say The Jiggler is animating teddy bears for minions now do you?"

"I'm afraid that's what it looks like Pigeon Poop Boy."

"Holy hand grenades, BatDude what was that!"

"It's was a book bomb, Pigeon Poop Boy. That teddy bear thinks we're literary critics!"

BatDude was a human, a man in a black and purple leather bird costume. His companion Pigeon Poop Boy was also human. He was wearing a blue leotard with grey feathers glued to it. The two Humans from the future, dressed in bird costumes, ran around the tavern chasing the life sized teddy bears, that continued to tumble out of the portal.

Quaraun stared at the scene that was unfolding before him, as BatDude and PigeonPoopBoy rolled out of the blue sparking portal, into the tavern, battling a pair of g-string wearing teddy bears.

"What the hell did you put in my drink?" Quaraun asked Unicorn.

"Whatever it was, it didn't cause that," FarDarrig said. "Because I see it too."

"I give up," Quaraun said. "Where's my food. Humans are crazy. They're all crazy."

Quaraun reached for the platter the girl had left and set out to eating every thing on it and completely ignoring BatDude, PigeonPoopBoy and the giant animetronic teddy bears.

The conversation between the daringly dressed duo was eagerly watched by the black haired, black eyed, black clad Phooka, sitting in the corner with his friends, a transvestite albino Moon Elf dressed head to toe in pink sequins and a Vampire Leprechaun dressed in a brown leather outfit dyed with blood.

A small bomb went off on the other side of the tavern opposite where Quaraun, Unicorn, and FarDarrig were eating their dinner. Unicorn jumped nervously at the commotion, but Quaraun continued eating as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened. He had actively decided the entire thing was a hallucination and refused to acknowledge it was happening. FarDarrig was too busying pouring blood on his coat and rubbing it into the leather to notice anything that was going on at all.

"Quaraun?" Unicorn learned over and whispered into the Elf's ear. "There is a teddy bear named Freddy throwing bombs shaped like books at a couple of guys in bird suits. They all seemed to have just suddenly appeared there from out of no where."

Quaraun looked up and watched the three characters as they ran back and forth through the tavern, throwing things at one another.

"Yes, I had noticed." 

The pink clad Necromancer went back to eating.

"Should we help them?"

"No, they seem to be tearing the tavern apart just fine on their own."

"Ah. Yes. No. That's not quite what I meant."

"I know what you meant. But I don't particularly want to end up paying for the damages, and whenever we get involved in a tavern brawl, that does always seem to be what happens. Beside, I'd get my new dress dirty."

"Is that a new one?"

"Yes. It is." 

"I can never tell. All yar dresses look the same to me. I ain't never seen any pink cloth like this at any marketplace we visited, and can'na imagine where ya would have found a new dress." 

"Yes. It's new. I made it, while I was spending the last several weeks in bed, while the two of you stayed down stairs drinking and I was laid up in bed."

"Ya drinks just as much as we does."

"I drink because I'm in pain. You two are both undead. You ain't got no reason to drink."

"Ya does not approve of my drinking?"

"I don't approve of the belching contests you have with FarDarrig."

"Ah, well, let's put something in ya drink, then. Make ya feel happy and then I can fuck ya silly."

Unicorn dumped more powder in Quaraun's drink.

"Will you stop drugging my food!"

"Why? Ya knows ya gonna go ahead and drinks it anyways. Ya like the drugs as much as they likes ya, eh?"


A teddy bear ran by, with two Humans in bird costumes chasing after it.

The blue boy stopped running and stared at Quaraun.

"Holy pink flamingos, BatDude, look at that dress that prostitute is wearing!"

"Can't look now, Pigeon Poop Boy, I got a teddy bear to catch." BatDude called out from across the room.

Quaraun watched BatDude and Pigeon Poop Boy as they chased the teddy bear.

"I'm not even high yet and I'm already seeing weird things." 

Quaraun took the second drugged drink and drank it without farther argument.

"I thought ya didna want me drugging ya drink?" Unicorn asked.

Quaraun opened his mouth to speak, but didn't get a chance to say anything.

"That is some pink dress," Pigeon Poop Boy yelled as they ran by again.

It was a very pink dress. And covered in big poufy pink marabou feathers. Quaraun loved pink. Pink was the only color he would wear. Every one of his dresses was bright bubblegum pink with magenta hearts embroidered and beaded onto it. Unicorn couldn't tell one dress from another.

FarDarrig, seeing that Quaraun had calmed down, toddled back over to the Elf's table.

“Where do ye keep gittin' thems ,eh?” FarDarrig asked. 

He had never seen anything like them anywhere either. Of course his preference was for blood oiled leather, not pink silk. 

"I'm a tailor in addition to being a wizard. I make them. And I did just say that. FarDarrig it's still morning. Are you already drunk?"

"Ah. Where do ye finds dah time , an between primpin' yous hair un' looking for trouble ,eh? "

Unicorn looked back and forth from the albino Elf with the bum length hair, wearing way too much garish make-up, and head to toe sparkling like a pink disco ball, sitting to his right, and the tiny four foot eight inch tall thousand year old undead Leprechaun in his leather trench coat, frock coat, waist coat, knee breeches and tall pointy hat all dyed a deep brownish red from blood, sitting to his left. Then he looked out at the two costumed Humans chasing teddy bears around the room.

"I feel positively normal today," Unicorn said. "All I be wearing is trapper furs."

Unicorn didn't look normal at all, but in his black furs and skins, he blended in better with the locals at least, even though the Phooka's waist length black hair didn't look like it had seen a brush in the last 700 years.

Unicorn picked his mug up off the table...


Their table shattered between them, as the Human wearing a blue unitard with grey feathers glued all over it, landed in their plates.

"Sorry, ma'am," Pigeon Poop Boy said hastily to Quaraun, as he scrambled back to his feet and ran back to help his friend battle the renegade teddy bear.

"Good thing I picked up me mug and good thing ya already drank ya poison." 

FarDarrig stared down at the shattered bottles on the floor, He had just put them back on the table.

"There is food on me," Quaraun said, his temper only thinly veiled.

"Oooooh! They got food on ya new dress," Unicorn sat still holding his mug, but looking somewhat horrified at the fact that Quaraun was about to lose his temper. 

"There is food in my hair," Quaraun sputtered.


"There is food on my pink Thullid silk."


"Who did that?"

"It were the teddy bear," Unicorn said.

Quaraun glared angry daggers at the teddy bear.

Unicorn repeated his question. "Ya want to help them now?" 

"Yes. I do."

Quaraun stood up, pulled out his wand, and aimed it at the teddy bear. 

"You got food on my dress, you frigging bastard! DIE!"

A blinding burst of blue light filled the room, followed by a loud POUF as the teddy bear exploded into a pile of fur and fluff.

Every Human in the room was once again pressed back against the farthest walls they could get to, all staring in terror at the angry wizard.

"We need a new a table and new meals," the albino transvestite Necromancer said the a barmaid as he strode over to the remains of the teddy bear.

"Holy guacamole, BatDude, that pink whore is a wizard!" Exclaimed the lad in the grey feathered, blue unitard.

Quaraun looked up at the daringly dressed duo. 

"I'm a Necromancer, and you two owe me and my companions dinner."

"Necromancer?" Said BatDude. "But you're wearing pink?"

"And you're wearing patent leather bat wings," retorted the whiter then white Moon Elf.

"You're a man, aren't you," BatDude asked the transvestite.

"I'm an Elf."

"But you're male?"

"Of course I am."

"Holy bull shit, BatDude, that dude's a dude!"

"I should feed you to my Unicorn," Quaraun snarled to Pigeon Poop Boy.

"Aren't Necromancers supposed to wear black and be all spooky, lurking in shadows and such?" asked BatDude. "...like your friend there, he looks like a necromancer, you look like a prostitute."

"He's a Lich. And you look like an S&M dominatrix. All you need is a whip."

"Well that's better then looking like a prostitute, isn't it?"

Quaraun sighed, rolled his eyes and stomped back over to the new table where Unicorn and FarDarrig were sitting waiting for him.

"Ya know," stated Unicorn as Quaraun sat down beside him. "If ya don't want people mistaking ya for a woman, ya shouldn't wear those pretty frilly, feathery pink dresses and all that tormy-loin jewelry...


"...and makeup and earrings and nose rings and finger rings and go around batting those long fake feather eyelashes and sit around brushing yar sexy silky, silver hair for 3 hours every morning so it looks all slinky and shiny like that...and damn it, now I want to fucks ya again."

Quaraun glanced down at Unicorn's bulging cock. "You know, I have never meet anyone who gets as horny as you do, as often as you do."

"No, all I has to do is looks at ya, that's all it takes. I can'na think of anything more seductive then a man who looks like woman..."

"I'm an Elf."

"...who looks like a prostitute just waiting to get his tight little pearly white ass fucked twenty times a day."

"Don't you dare try to fuck me 20 times in one day. You'll kill me!"

"Pretty little man-Elf-woman-whore like ya, ya're already girly looking without even trying. Then ya go out of yar way to make yarself look like a slut, with thems tasty banana and kiwis swinging down there between yar creamy white legs. Ya's a lovely fruit salad."

"You have a fruit cake for a brain."

"And I is with ya all day long, so yeah, of course I freaking horny all day long. Why would I not be, I mean look at ya, yar sexy as a shepherd's pie. I want to eat ya.  I could just eat ya up right now. FarDarrig order me a shepherd's pie before I bite Quaraun and drain every last drop of blood out of his sexy little carcass."

"I think I should be scared of you," Quaraun said dryly.

The Elf Eater nodded. 

"Oh, ya should. Ya should. Ya is tasty. Ya should be absolutely terrified of me, what with all the things I can think of to do to ya. For instance, ya want to know what I'm thinking right now?"

"Not especially."

“I kin tells ye what he’s tinkin',” replied the mind reading vampire Leprechaun wearing a leather trenchcoat soaked in fresh blood.

"Please don't," said Quaraun.

FarDarrig ignored him and kept on talking: “He 'twould just love to tie ye down to dah table right here, right nows an' fuck ye an front of every body ovah an' ovah an' ovah again. Dat yon dair do be what he be tinkin' about ye right nows.” 

Quaraun glared at Unicorn. "Yeah, don't try that."

"Hey! I dids no say it, him did!" Phooka pointed at the short old man.

"No! But you’re the one thinking it, that’s how come he said it. You are NOT going to fuck me on a table in a tavern, in front of everybody!"

"Oh, no, I will na, not while ya still got that wand in yar hand, at least. Do'na want to look like that deady Freddy teddy bear over there. Though the things I can think of to do with that wand..."

"Ach gawd," complained FarDarrig. "Will ye quit tinkin'! Turn yer brain off or somethin'. Ye poor Álfr. The things he’s ah gonna do to ye if he evir gets ye unconscious.” 

"You mean with the wand? Yeah, he's already done that. A few times. I've kind of gotten used to waking up and not knowing what the hell he's done to me and wondering why my wand is shoved up my dick."

Unicorn was grinning and nodding. 

"Penis torture is wonderful and him loves it as much as I love doing it tos him."

"I pity you FarDarrig," Quaraun continued. "Having to see every thought that goes through his perverted head."

“Well, bad as he be, Quaraun . Yon stuff going on an Unicorn’s heid, it ’s nae half as wicked bad as some of dah thoughts dat yon dair go through yer head,” FarDarrig replied. “AH dinnae ’t knows hows AH bide with dah twa of ye, with out be'an tree sheets to dah wind 24 hours ah day. it ’s nay believable dah things dah two of ye tink aboots. Especially what yous be tinkin' about eetch uddah. AH ’ll tells ye ane thingy Gwallmaic, dinnae ’t ye go believing heem when he says ‘Nay ’ to ye. Yon Álfr ’s jeets as much of ah pervert as ye be. He be wanting ye to tie heem down to dah table an' fuck him right at dis point an time .”

Unicorn burst out laughing. "Oh, I know that! I did has been with him long enough to know what he wants."

Quaraun glared at FarDarrig and was about to say something, but was interrupted when BatDude and Pigeon Poop Boy both sat down at their table.

"I'm sorry," growled Quaraun. "Did I invited you to sit down?"

"No," answered BatDude. "But you did mention we owed you dinner and that's sort of the same thing."

"Ooooh, look, he wants to buy us dinner. How romantic," Unicorn crooned as he leaned over close to Quaraun and began rubbing his arm. "Ya think this table's big enough for them to bring out all the plates for all of us while I fuck ya on it at the same time?"

He reached under the table slipped his hand inside Quaraun's pink silk robes and began fondling the Elf's already erect cock.

"Is he..." BatDude started the ask Quaraun, while staring at the black eyed Faerie.

"Yes. He is. Ignore him," answered Quaraun.

"Are you ignoring him?"

"With great difficulty."

"Like hell yar are," FarDarrig said to Quaraun, then turned to BatDude. "Whatever ya what to say to him, say it fast. They is about 10 second from stripping each other naked, right here in front of every body."

How I Came To Write The Jiggler & The G-String Teddy Bears

The series was renumbered. This is no longer volume 9.

Volume 35: The Jiggler & The G-String Teddy Bears

Joined once again by FarDarrig, Quaraun and Unicorn stop at a Human village to rest for the night, and find they can't get to the end of their meal without interruption. Three attempts to order dinner later, they are again interrupted, this time by a portal opening up and tossing a pair of caped crusader actors from a 1960s TV show and a very real pole dancing super villain, into their plates.

Before they get a chance to find out who the costumed super heroes are, armies of  murderous animatronic teddy bears start dropping from the sky spreading chaos throughout the village.

Seeing that they've somehow been zapped to the 1400s and landed in the plate of an angry Pink Necromancer, BatDude and Pigeon Poop Boy, quickly explain that a book critic has lashed out at a former super villain, turned pole dancing author, and in retaliation the super villain author has sent an army of teddy bears to kill all book review bloggers. The caped crusaders enlist in Quaraun's help to defeat the Jiggler before his teddy bears destroy the world.

Unfortunately (for the daring duo and book bloggers everywhere) Quaraun finds himself sexually attracted to the green haired, g-string wearing porn star and switches sides. With the teddy bears now joined by Quaraun's undead army of pink turkeys, Quebec is completely turned into utter chaos.

Jealous, Unicorn helps the masked crusaders get rid of the Jiggler, just so he can have Quaraun to himself again. To do so, the candy making Lich decides to fight fire with fire and turns himself into a pink flamingo then creates his own army of penis saluting, greatfully dead dancing rainbow gummy bears.

Chapter 1: BatDude & Pigeon Poop Boy

Teddy Bears On Parade

A Bowl of Fruit Salad

Flamingos, Tentacles, Tea, and Crumpets

Things You May Not Have Known About
The Jiggler & The G-String Teddy Bears

As crazy as it may sound, this novel was actually based off a true story.

Once upon a time there was an author who wrote a detective murder mystery, which featured the main character as a teddy bear. Someone committed the sin of giving his novel a glowing 4-star review.

In a week long massive melt down that made self publishing history, the author created dozens of accounts, each one being a different teddy bear from his novel, and lashed out with his army of teddy bears at the book critic, for only giving him a measly little 4 star review instead of granting him the 5 star review he deserved.

I wrote this novel based entirely off his wild, deranged comments in the review, which you can read for yourself here.

This novel was originally written on: 2013

This page last updated on: March 30, 2017



The Quaraun Series On Amazon:

I am wondering why has Amazon moved the Quaraun books to the category "Transgender Romance" and also "Gay Erotica"? The base story is a deeply depressed, suicidal, drug addict Elf who's lover commit suicide and he's trying not to do the same. It's an old Elf in a tavern, monologuing a lot of flashbacks and back story scenes of his youth. These stories are dark, bloody, angsty, full of drug use, murder, rape, Medieval torture, mental/physical/emotional abuse, and references to depression and suicide - no romance in it, unless you count the occasional (and usually brutally violent) rape scenes that show up in nearly every volume - sorry - no clue what Amazon is thinking or why they moved these to Romance and Erotica, but these books are NOT even close to being Romance or Erotica on any level at all. When I published these books I put them in "Dark Fantasy" and "Yaoi". If they show up in any category other then "Dark Fantasy" and "Yaoi", it's because Amazon put them there without my authorization or approval.


Author Interviews
On Writing The Quaraun Series:

  1. Question Everything Before Putting It In Your World 

Author Interviews
On CosPlaying The Quaraun Characters:

Author Interviews
Reacting To Old Orchard Beach's
White Power Gay Hating Over Reaction Ban
Of The Quaraun Series:

  1. Question Everything Before Putting It In Your World 

The 4 door white truck continues to sit at the end of my drive way (146 Portland Ave, Old Orchard Beach, Maine) near every night around sunset, reeving it's engine and squealing it's tires, with the driver yelling anti-gay threats and obscenities out the window. He continues to do the same thing at my dad's apartment building (Biddeford Maine) a few times a week, usually in mid to late afternoon time. He continues to follow me to shopping to various stores in various towns throughout the states.

Phrases he yells from the truck include:

"Kill or be killed remember Saco Shaws all transsexuals are alike"

"I keep a gun under the seat of my truck, I'm gonna use it to shoot you in the head, you transvestite freak"

if cars are going by he yells to them: "that thing is Ken's son, look at how's it's dressed; it's insane, it has autism, we can't allow that thing and it's gay cars in our family friend town of Old Orchard Beach"

He often babbles deranged ramblings about something he calls "the gay-pocalypse", raving lunacy about how "all the gays are gathering" on his doorstep. He raves some crazy nonsense about how Armageddon is coming and the war to end all wars will be "the gays against the Christians" and Christians have to be ready to "kill the gays"

My car is the Autism Awareness Car and had 2.5million marbles glued to it (I have Autism - savant - Kanner's syndrome) he claims tat my car "is gay" because of what it looks like. My car has been vandalized several dozen times, including to have the tires slashed 7 times in 6 months.

After dark often around 10PM, he stands at the end of the logging road across the street from me and shoots at my motohome (in February 2014 he shot holes in my neighbour's barn while doing this). I have video footage of 3 of his shootings at me here:  https://youtu.be/NUebzJ9sz9U and here: https://youtu.be/C4dZbgG-Smw

This has gone on since August 2013 now, in addition to all the vandalism, hate crimes, pet beheadings, etc that has happened, including the bomb that blew up our house in 2006.

As you know, that whole time I had not been able to get a plate number on the truck. He as just here again, and I just realized why I could not get a plate number... there are no plates on the truck, either on the front or on the back. However, as he was driving away today... I noticed, there is a plate, stuck up in the back window of the truck, where it can barely be seen, deliberately obscured from view behind a silver tool box.

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