The unicorn is an asshole and the bad-guy.
Am I out of my mind for wanting to write this?
Is there a place for unicorns still in fantasy?

EelKat On Writing Evil Unicorns

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Quaraun hesitated not knowing what to do. He was not a fighter, he disliked physical confrontations. It as obvious the guards at the door would not let him walk out. And the Phooka behind him, Quaraun didn't know what he felt about it, it aroused him and repulsed him at the same time, he just wanted to get away from it fast.

"Perhaps ya should just fucking order a meal," said the Phooka, not taking his eyes off Quaraun. "How aboot some nice mutton, eh?"

"I am an Elf," Quaraun answered arrogantly. "We do not eat meat."

"Ooooh! Always the snobby ones ain't they?" The Phooka laughed and then flashed a wide grin. "Ya eating meat, twere not what I had in mind. Mutton fat make ya nice and slick. Easy to fuck. More things to do with mutton then eat it."

"No?" Once again, Quaraun was not paying much attention to the Phookas words, his attention elsewheres. He was too busy noticing that the room seemed to much smaller than it had been moments earlier.

"No. We twere thinking more along the lines of a nice bowl of mutton fat to grease that fine white bahookie of yous. We can think of so many things to does with ya that does not involve eating ya. We be alone a wickit long time an there be other things I desiren more than food. Be ya male or female really does no matter to me. I'll take ya either way, though I admit I is rather glad yis a male. We likes that better."

Quaraun turned back to face the dark Faerie, his blue eyes widened by the sudden realization what the Phooka had in mind.

"Indeed," Quaraun said dryly. "I think I shall take my leave of your establishment. Good day."

The Moon Elf walked back to the door intending to push past the guards, but the door suddenly was no longer there, replaced instead by a stone wall. Quaraun turned back toward the Phooka and nearly crashed into the beast as it was now standing inches before him.

“Ya ain't no been listening to me, Elf.”

"Please let me leave," Quaraun said to the Phooka.

"Oh, no. We think not. Ya see we already tried that ya would'na go. And now, I has did changed me mind. It be been ever so long since we've had an Elf to play with." 

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The Phooka reached up between the Elf's thighs and grasped his balls, much harder than he had done before. Quaraun gasped and quickly backed away. The Phooka let go of him, letting him step away.

"Please let me leave, I wish to cause no trouble. I was unaware that my people were unwelcome here. Please, I will go back the way I came, I meant no harm."

The Phooka laughed maniacally. "Ya walk into Faerie territory an ya expect to leave? Hahahahahaha! Yis in my country now, Elf. This is the Forest of No Return. Turn ya brain on, Quaraun, ya know this forest, ya has seen it a'forah. It grew up once in ya village. Does ya no remember? I can take me forest anywheres I desiren to. No one leaves the Realm of Fae. No one leaves me Forest of No Return. Thus the name."

Quaraun moved to step towards the door, hoping it was there and just he couldn't see it, but the instant he did he was grabbed by two more Phookas who had materialized behind him. They held him, while a third shackled his arms and legs. Before he had a chance to realize what was happening, Quaraun found himself chained to a giant pine tree. His back to the tree and arms wrapped behind its girth. The position was terribly uncomfortable and did nothing to help the pain from his wounds. He tried not to cry out. Letting the Phooka know he was injured was the last thing he wanted to do.

The room flickered, then blinked out like a snuffed candle, the forest growing up fast around him. The bar, the tables and the chairs, everything dissolved into bushes and tree stumps. The Dwarves and Gnomes twisted and melted away, as sharp fanged, grinning, black haired, black eyed, dark skinned Phookas took their place. He was so busy being scared of them, that he did not notice the Phooka had dressed him by name.

“See? I gone done drop a house on you head, an ya were just too busy worrying aboot having you luscious ripe mangos squeezed, to hear a word me twere saying. Ya should learn to pay better attention to you surroundens.”

What had once stood as a town, now faded away and became a crumbling fortress, long ago overgrown with vines. An ancient castle, now collapsed and tumbled to ruins. The path by which Quaraun had entered, had also disappeared, replaced by many tall towering pines. The port and the ships whispered into fog as the empty ocean crashed screaming against the rocky shore. The storm was gone too, replaced now by the dense ocean fog that rolled through the vast old growth forest.

“I coulds squeeze ya kiwis agains an it'd be the only thing ya'd notice agains. Ya like it. It all ya think aboot. Ya miss ya BoomFuzzy. Ya miss him a fucking shit load ton, eh?”

“Please let me go.”

"This is me Forest of No Return, ya can'na leave. We simply will'na let ya, it 'tis such rare treat for us to serve Elf on our menu. The Elves just does no make a habit of waltzing in here, ya know? Ya aristocratic ceety Elves is kind of stupid, ya ain't the survival smarts that the feral Wood Elves has. That be why they be so damned hard to catch." 

~From "The Night of The Screaming Unicorn" (Volume 1 of The Quaraun Series)

The shape shifter had a wild grin on his face and a devilish gleam in his sparkling black eyes.

“Ya be Quaraun, evil wee little Moon Elf, murderer of the Di'Jinn.” 

“I have killed no one.”

“Ah. Aye. Ya secret be safe un sound with me. I shall tell not no one person, nay what it be this t'ing ya has done.”

“What do you want?”

“To touch ya. Feel ya. Sink me cock deep inside of ya. Yis a lovely little Elf. Ya be so innocent, yet so evil. Ya yin un yan meld together so fabulously.”

“My what?”

"Yin un yan?"

"I don't understand you, and I don't think I want to."

“Yin un yan. Magic ya knows not of, but ya has. I can feels it. Ya be destined for great things, wee little Jelly Elf.”

The Phooka reached out and touched Quaraun's face.

“Kill him and be done with it,” said a Dark Elf who now road up beside them.

“Back off Gibedon. Never interfere with me work,” the Phooka growled. "Bother me again un I shall eet yas next."

“Gibedon?” Quaraun asked. “The Necromancer?”

“Aye, me apprentice, but the job be open for another iffy ya be wantisng it.”

“You're King Gwallmaiic.”

“Aye. I is.”

“Elf Eater of Pepper Valley. Murderer of millions.”

“Ya knows who I be yet ya be no afeared of me. I likes that. I likes that a lot. Strange Elf ya is. Yis scared of so mony t'ings, yet ya does na run from me. Why is that, eh?”

“Why would I be scared of you? You're nothing but a Faerie.”

"No t'ing but a Faerie. Aye. King the Fae I is. Most feared creature on this planet, un ya has no fear of me. Why ya no fear me?"

~From "BoomFuzzy" (Volume 3 of The Quaraun Series)

That night, Quaraun woke to find himself being dragged from his bedroll. Loud cheers and taunts enveloped him as his clothes were ripped from his body. He fought his attackers but they stripped him naked as they held him face down shoving his face into the snow. Someone forced his legs open and someone else knelt between his thighs. A rough, heavy hand was placed in the small of his back. A surge of wild untamed fear came over him and he fought harder with his assaulters. 

The Elf's scream hung in the air when he was penetrated hard, by who he didn't know. His body went rigid and trembled with the pain and humiliation of his predicament. His rapist made no attempt to go easy on him. There were too many of the king's men holding him down while the king raped him. His asshole was opening up and Quaraun learned to take the Phooka's entire cock until Quaraun could feel the Faerie king's thick balls slapping against his butt cheeks.

After a few minutes of agonizing pain his body started getting used to this new sensation it started to feel good. Really good. And that scared him even more. He didn't want to enjoy what was happening to him. The feeling of pain started to subside and Quaraun focused on how good cock started to feel while it was deep in his ass. After a few moments Quaraun stopped struggling. Having anal sex with a complete stranger wasn't like him at all, in fact, Quaraun had never had sex with anyone at all, male or female, but he simply could not ignore how much he was enjoying this.  

Quaraun tried not to think about the fact that the creature assaulting him was known for raping Elves, moments before killing them and eating their flesh but the thought could not escape him as fear built up in the pit of his stomach. Quaraun knew better then to give in to this, he knew he should fight, he knew he would soon be slaughtered by this gang of violent criminals, but it felt too good to try to stop them. His mind's objection to this horribly risky scenario was being overruled by his body's craving for more cock up his ass. He held his ass high in the air letting the Phooka fuck him. 

Seeing that the Elf had stopped putting up a fight, the Faerie king pushed his men aside, and now no one was holding the Elf down as the Phooka continued to ride him. Quaraun was a total anal slut and the Phooka loved it. Both men cried out in pleasure as they enjoyed the sensations of one another's bodies. Quaraun gripped his hands to the ground and pushed back hard as Gwallmaiic fucked him. Quaraun gritted his teeth and moaned. He had never experienced anything like this before. He hadn't known he could. He knew he didn't like sex with females, but the thought that he could enjoy sex with another male had never crossed his mind. Quaraun could feel his own large balls slapping up against his body as Gwallmaiic drilled himself deeper and harder into his bowels.

With another hard, deep thrust, the Phooka above him came down on all fours. He could feel the creature's warm seed flowing inside him.  As another load of the Phooka's sperm filled his bowels, Quaraun found himself shaking. Quaraun was so close to cumming. His asshole was wrecked from the harsh treatment and leaking cum and his orgasm that was building was turning into a painful blueballs. Quaraun needed to cum so badly, but what the Phooka did next, suddenly brought Quaraun back to his senses as he remembered who was doing this to him and the great danger he was in of being murdered the moment the Phooka finished fucking him.

"Ya likes that pretty t'ing." The Elf Eater whispered in Quaraun's ear, then took hold of the Elf's pointed ear with his teeth, tearing his earrings out and drawing blood. 

Blood gushed from the wound, running down his neck and staining the snow red. The Phooka licked the blood off his neck, then began sucking more blood from the wound.

"Mmm... ya tastes sooo good, pretty Sugar Pie," the Phooka laughed.

Quaraun was shivering.

“Is ya cold or frightened?” 

The Phooka pulled the Elf's cloths back on his trembling body.

This action confused Quaraun, and he became even more confused, when the Phooka once again bit him, this time on the neck, again drawing blood. Terrified that the Elf Eater was about to eat him, Quaraun snapped out of the lustful spell he'd been under and once again began to struggle against his attackers.

“Please let me go,” he cried out 

Quaraun struggled to get up, but the Phooka had a hugging grip on him and pushed him down to the ground..

“Ya wants this.”

"No!" Quaraun answered with a desperate scream.

"Ya knows ya do," the Phooka answered. 

"No! Stop!" Quaraun begged. “Please.”

“I is no gonna hurt ya, Quaraun. I knows that what ya tinking. Ya did'na start to fight me until I drew blood.”

“Let me go,” the frightened Moon Elf wailed. “Please let me go.”

“Shhhhh! Tis alright. Lay back down un I will fuck ya again.”

~From "BoomFuzzy" (Volume 3 of The Quaraun Series)

A few minutes later Quaraun found himself on the other side of the village, on the outskirts of the Frozen Forest, standing in front of a house made of gingerbread. A front path made of chocolate pebbles and trees and bushes made of lollipops and cotton candy.

"It's not real," Quaraun said the BeaLuna.

“What do you mean it's not real?”

“It's not real.”

"No? Looks real. Tastes real too."

"Tastes?"

"Yeah, most everybody in the village has taken a bite out of his house. I did too."

"Why?"

"It's made out of gingerbread."

"No it's not."

"Yes it is."

"It's not it's... it's ghastly... it's horrible... it's made out of..."

"It's gingerbread. It's meant to be eaten. What else do you do with a gingerbread house?"

"Do you see a gingerbread house?"

"Yes, don't you?"

"I... no... It's not..."

Quaraun was very disturbed by what he saw verses what BeaLuna and the rest of the village saw. While the others saw a gingerbread house, Quaraun saw the ruined remains of an ancient castle, long ago destroyed, and built out of bones. Piles of crumbling grey stones, were littered around the edges. All around the house, where BeaLuna and the others saw trees dripping with lollipops, Quaraun saw monstrous dead oak trees, heavy laden with poison apricots, and dripping with blood. The trees were not trees, but Fae beasts with red eyes and sharp fangs. All around the ruins, grew dead roses and bramble vines, thick with thorns, also oozing blood.

The chocolate stones were the heads and skulls of hundreds of dead Elves, their eyes gouged out. Every bit of the house dripped in fresh blood. The bone structure was lashed together with entrails.

A purplish black miasma mist hovered like a dense fog all around the evil place. Quaraun knew immediately that the mist was toxic and had drugged the others. Powerful dark magic was controlling this strange place that had appeared at the edge of their village. He looked back into the village. The mist was wafting low along the streets, drifting into shops and houses. Everyone was infected.

"He's not a candy maker, he's Necromancer," Quaraun muttered under his breath as he reached out to touch one of the bloody apricots. "Apricots don't grow on oak trees... or bleed Elf blood."

Quaraun quickly withdrew his hand from the apricot. It was cold. Colder then cold. The icy void of death wafted from it.

"It's a Lich's frost."

BeaLuna was still yapping happily on about gingerbread and candy. Several young Elflings from the village were gathered around the gingerbread house, breaking pieces off of it and eating it. Quaraun felt sick. He could see the reality behind the illusion. He knew that what they were eaten, was not gingerbread, and he knew that powerful dark magic was entrancing the villagers.

"Faeries," Quaraun whispered to himself.

"What?" BeaLuna asked.

"Faeries."

"Where?"

"Here!" Quaraun pointed to the horrific bloody building, but all BeaLuna saw was gingerbread. Like the others, she too had already eaten a piece of the house and was caught up in the spell.

"It's an illusion. You're all drugged by Fae food."

"You're talking crazy again Quaraun.” 

“Think about it. It's a gingerbread house. It's impossible. You can't build a real house out of gingerbread."

"Quaraun, I hate to disagree with you, but there it is. Big as life. A real live gingerbread house. Here, try some of it?"

"Why are you eating it?"

"Why not?"

"When did it get here?"

"A few weeks ago. It just showed up one night. Kind of just fell out of the sky and landed here. Not long after you arrived actually. In fact, the next day I think."

"And you don't think that's strange? Houses don't fall out of the sky."

"We did at first, but I don't know. It kind of grows on you."

"But it's not real."

"No? Me house is no real, eh? Pray do tell just how me dwelling absolutely no is real," asked a heavily accented Scottish voice behind him. "How does one tell iffy house be real or even no, eh?"

"I'm a wizard," Quaraun said, not looking to see who had spoken. He was too busy staring at the house and trying to determine what type of Faeries could be causing such a strong spell that it had over taken everyone in the village. "I can see through illusions."

"No mony wizards be able to see that which can absolutely no be seen."

"I have the gift of Faerie Sight... that's not a real gingerbread house it's a Faerie glimm..."

"Yis be the Moon Elf's wizard, eh?"

~From "BoomFuzzy" (Volume 3 of The Quaraun Series)

BoomFuzzy walked over to Quaraun and cocked his head upside down to look Quaraun in the eye properly.

"Ya do get yaself in an awful lot of trouble don't ya?. And ya keep ending up in trees."

Quaraun said nothing. He hurt too much to talk and was dizzy from hanging upside down with the blood rushing to his head. But he remained emotionless. Not crying. Not screaming. Just seething with anger and hatred for every last Moon Elf and thinking how much he really just wanted every Moon Elf to drop dead.

BoomFuzzy strolled back over to the gang of Elves.

"Tell me, this Phooka, how ya all plan to catch it?"

"With Quaraun."

"Aye. Ya using Quaraun for bait, but when the Phooka comes to take ya bait, what ya do to catch the beast?"

"Well, we'll wait for it to come out and then when it goes after Quaraun, we'll all be here to grab it."

"Ah. Just grab it, eh?"

"Yeah."

"Ya t’inks ya do that, eh?"

"Sure."

"Does ya even know what a Phooka looks like?"

"Uhm...no. Do you?" The Elf asked his friends.

The Elves all looked at each other, shaking their heads.

"So, none of yas has ever seen a Phooka. None of yas knows what to watch for and ya don't have a plan for how yis goona catch it when it gets here. Interesting."

"How hard could it be to catch?"

"Ya do know Phookas is shape shifter

"Yeah, so?"

"What makes ya t’inks twall go after Quaraun and not ya fellas?"

"Quaraun's half dead. Look at how much blood there is on the ground. No clue what's keeping him alive, any other Elf would have died by now. He just keep lingering on no matter what anyone does to him."

"I has noticed that aboot him. One would almost t’inks he has no need for the blood in hims veins. Like a lil baby Thullid slug, curled up safely in an empty snail's shell of a skull, growing it's tentacles and waiting to hatch, he doesn't seem to have much need for hims body to function otherwise. Just needs to keep that skull intact."

"What are you talking about?"

"It be hard to kill a Thullid ya know. They is kind of invincible. Even iffy ya kill the host body, they'll just crawl out of the skull and latch on to the next nearest skull they can find, squeeze up in through ya nostril or ear, or drill a hole in ya head, suck out ya brain and build themselves a nice new lil nest inside ya head."

"Who's talking about Thullids? We was talking about Phookas."

"No. Ya was talking aboot how Quaraun ain't dying up there even though ya gutted him like pig and hung hims upside down in a tree, and is laughing while ya watch every last drop of blood drain from hims body."

"We should hang him up in a tree too," one Elf said to another. "That's Quaraun's lover, ya know. The old candy maker, there."

"I is and I does no like what ya done to me Elf."

"Yeah, well, you get out of the way and go back to pulling your taffy, Old Man. We got a Phooka to catch."

"Ya frigging stupid Elves. Ya really t’inks ya can catch a Phooka?"

"There's five of us and only one of it and we..."

"It?"

"What?"

"Ya called me an it."

"Hey you ain't one of them Faerie lovers are you? There petitioning for Faerie rights'?"

"Oh no. Why would I do that?"

BoomFuzzy stared at Quaraun again, then turned back to the men.

"Here's a question. Does any of yas know what a Phooka looks like?"

The Elves all looked at each other.

"Never seen one before have you?."

"How ya plan to know one when ya sees it, if ya do'na know what it looks like?"

"Oh we'll know it."

"Really? Ya t’inks? They is shape shifters. Can be anything or anyone. That tree ya hung Quaraun in, it could be a Phooka waiting to pounce. Or any one of ya could be a Phooka, biding his time waiting for the others to fall asleep and kills ya all."

The men started exchanging worried glances.

"Oh I could be a Phooka."

They all looked at BoomFuzzy.

"I could be the Elf Eater of Pepper Valley himself, standing here talking to ya, getting ye guard down, waiting to pull a machete out of me robes and cut all ya heads off in a single swipe."

The Elves were all staring wide eyed at BoomFuzzy now. BoomFuzzy burst at laughing. And the Elves getting the joke all relaxed and laughed with him, but BoomFuzzy suddenly stopped laughing and stood looking very grave as they continued to laugh. While they continued laughing and began joking at the idea that the old man might be a Phooka. BoomFuzzy pulled a machete out of his robes while the Elves laughed.

"Of course, it could be that I wasn't joking, and I really am the Elf Eater of Pepper Valley himself, snuck into ya village disguised as an Elf, and I do'na likes what ya all dids to me lover Quaraun."

The Elves stopped laughing and turned back to BoomFuzzy, just in time to see him transform out of his Moon Elf glimmer and into his blacked eyed, black haired, sharp fanged, gazelle horned, long taloned real form. The nearest one lunged to grab the Phooka but BoomFuzzy was faster and the guard's head went rolling across the ground.

"Ya gonna have to be faster then that boy. If you want to catch a Phooka. Keep that up and ya all lose ya heads."

The other four Elves turned and ran, but none of them made it more then a few feet before all of them were also headless.

"Tsk. Tsk. Silly Elves, t’inks they can out smart the Elf Eater of Pepper Valley."

The Phooka put the machete away and strolled back over to Quaraun.

"Ya look a frightful mess, ya do. Me poor lil Elf, what dids they do to ya? They gone and cut ya up."

The Phooka's gaze went to the Elf's mutilated groin.

"Ya poor thing. That could no have felt very nice. Let me see if I can get ya down outa this here tree without dropping ya on ya head this time."

~From "BoomFuzzy" (Volume 3 of The Quaraun Series)

"Listen to you two," BeaLuna interrupted. "You're both insane, and you both think it's the greatest thing ever happen to you."

"Ooooh! We do! Does we no?" Unicorn squealed, before galloping off ahead again. The silver horned horse galloped circles around the rest of the group, before trotting along beside them again. "Just t’ink. I could be fire breat’ing vampire unicorn. Twould mean I would needs to be drinking horse blood? Ooh! I could turn horses into vampires un create me entire vampi-horse army. I loves it! Hahaha!"

"Fire breathing?" BeaLuna asked, but she didn't get an answer.

"Oooh! I smell Humans!" The Phooka turned into a small shaggy black pony, with a broken leg and suddenly went prancing off, half limping down the hill and off the path.

"Now where's he going?" BeaLuna asked.

"He said he smelt Humans," Bullgaar answered. "Must be a Human village down that way.

"Why would he run towards it?"

"He is a Phooka," Quaraun pointed out.

"Yeah? So?" BeaLuna thought about it for a moment. "Oh. OH! He isn't going to eat them is he?"

"Probably."

"Quaraun! You can't let him run off and eat Humans!"

"Why not?"

"Because you are supposed to be a hero. You protect people from evil. Help the helpless, yadda, yadda, yadda and he's evil. You're supposed to protect people from him."

"I am bored with helping people BeaLuna. I'm tired of worrying about others. I just want to live my own life now."

"Quaraun!"

"I never wanted this life. I didn't ask for this. I just wanted to spend the rest of my life with BoomFuzzy."

"Quaraun. BoomFuzzy's dead. You gotta get over it. Move on. He'd want you to live your life..."

BeaLuna's lecture was interrupted by the sounds of people screaming and clouds of black smoke billowing up through the trees. This action was quickly followed by the sky being blotted out with black clouds and lightning bolts striking the ground all around them.

"What the hell?"

BeaLuna ran off in the direction of the screams. Bullgaar followed her. Quaraun stood on the path watching them for a moment before trudging along behind them. He hated going off the path. Going off the path meant walking in soft muddy soil and clambering through brushes. It meant getting his skirts wet, torn or muddy. It meant soiling his shoes. It meant his hair getting tangled with brambles, and thorns stuck in his feather boa. It annoyed him, but he didn't want to end up separated from his travelling companions. No matter how much he complained of not wanting them with him, he was grateful for their company. At least now he had more then an enchanted map to talk to.

At the foot of the hill, in a small glade, sat a cluster of tiny buildings. A Human settlement of about ten families. Men, women, and children lay scattered around on the ground around the buildings. They were all dead. Limbs scattered about. Entrails hanging from the branches of trees. Some were on fire. Others charred to a blackened crisp. Lightening had struck every one of the buildings, which were all now engulfed in flames. A large black unicorn sat in the middle of the carnage, sitting on his haunches like a dog, eating the leg of one Human. Several severed Human heads were skewered like a shishkabob on his silver horn.

"Quaraun! Look at what he's doing!" BeaLuna screamed.

"The Elf can't hear you," Bullgaar said.

"What? Why?" BeaLuna turned back to see that Quaraun had fainted. "Damn it, Quaraun, get up! Some Necromancer you make, fainting at the sight of blood!"

"Don't think he can hear you. He's a fainter that one."

BeaLuna stomped down the hill, leaving Bullgaar with Quaraun, marched up to the Phooka and began screaming at him. "What in the Hell do you think you're doing?"

"Eating," answered the blood spattered horse. The horse handed her a Human hand. "Want one?"

"No! I don't want one! You can't do stuff like this!"

"Why not?"

"Because it's evil!"

“I is evil. What ya expect?”

“You can’t do this!”

"But I is hungry."

"They're Humans!"

"Aye. I knows it. Humans is on me list of t’ings to eat. Dey taste almost as good as Elves does."

"You gotta stop doing these things!"

"Why?"

"Because it's wrong! Don't you understand that?"

"I is Phooka. Dis what we do."

"Elf's awake," Bullgaar called to the Gnome.

"Quaraun! He's eating people!"

"Yes. I had noticed. I was trying not to."

"Quaraun!"

"They're already dead. He might as well eat them."

"Quaraun!"

"BeaLuna, I don't want to argue about it. Unicorn, we're gonna set up camp, back alongside the road, come join us when you're done."

Quaraun turned and headed back up the hill.

"Okay," Unicorn called out.

"Quaraun, you get back here!" BeaLuna ran after him, screaming all the way. "He killed those people, you can't just let him get away with that. Quaraun are you listening to me?"

“No. I’m not.”

“You’re not listening to me?”

“Nope.”

“QUARAUN!”

“I can’t hear you.”

“YES YOU CAN! YOU ANSWERED ME!”

~From "The Journey Begins" (Volume 4 of The Quaraun Series)

"What is that god forsaken noise," Quaraun moaned.

The Elf was slumped face down over the table. Unicorn wasn't sure if Quaraun was drunk, tired, sick, or all of the above.

"It a wee lil Halfling," Unicorn answered. "Him signing himself up a storm."

"Make him shut up."

Unicorn slid out of his seat and went to the Halfling's table. The tiny little humanoid was dancing gleefully, in between singing and reciting poetry.

"Me Elf be wanting ya to shut ya wee lil trap," the old undead Phooka said to the Halfling.

A few moments later, Unicorn returned to Quaraun's table and once again sat down beside the Elf. Quaraun was still slumped over the table and had not yet looked up.

"I can still hear him," Quaraun muttered through his hair.

"Aye. Him say ya was nothing but a no good son of bitch arrogant High Elf. Him told me to tell ya to fuck yaself."

"I won't have to, I'm sure you'll do that later."

"Of course I will."

"I have a headache."

"Dat mean I can no fuck ya?"

"It means I want that fucking piece of shit to shut up. I didn't come here to listen to poetry. If had wanted to hear poetry recited I would have come to a theatre. I'm trying to rest."

"On de table?"

"Leave me alone. I'm tired."

"We could rent a room."

"I don't want to rent a room. I'm fine, right here."

"I could fuck ya better in a room. More privacy."

"I don't need a room. I need a nap."

"I could fuck ya here at de table."

"You do and I'll ram my wand up your ass."

"Yeah. I know dat suppose to be threat, but I probably would like dat. So dat not incentive for me to no fuck ya on table."

"I just want that singing wretch to shut his fucking mouth."

"Dat be a long poem him singing. Will take him an hour to get t'rough it."

"Make him shut up."

"How ya propose I do dat?"

"I don't know. Think of something. You're a Trickster Faerie. You always think of something. You pride yourself on being the most annoying damned Fae on the planet. Do one of those things that you do. Just make him stop singing."

Unicorn got up and once again returned to the Halfling's table. This time he stood and silently watched the tiny creature as it merrily skipped and danced on the table, in the beat to it's sing-song poetry recital. Unicorn walked slowly around the table watching the little creature's every move, listening to the song, picking up on the cues of his movements.

After a minute or so, Unicorn stopped moving and stood, silently, watching and waiting for just the right moment, and when that moment came, he swiftly pulled his machete from his hakama and lopped off the Halfling's head. There was a brief shrill gurgle shriek as the last stanza of the poem was cut to an abrupt halt.

At the sound of the Halfling's dying breath, Quaraun looked up for the first time. He sat staring and blinking, uncertain if Unicorn had actually just done, what he thought Unicorn had just did.

Unicorn pranced back to Quaraun's table and plopped the Halfling's severed head in the middle of Quaraun's plate.

"Dair. Him no more sing," Unicorn said cheerfully, proudly beaming over his work.

"That's not what I asked you to do."

"Ya tolds me to make him shut up un I did."

"You cut off his frigging head!"

"Aye. Un now ya can add it to ya head collection."

"I don't have a... oh." Quaraun reached into his bag and pulled out Gibedon's head. "I forgot about that. Why does everybody keep losing their head around me?"

BeLuna entered the tavern just then, back from her errands and was about to start one of her usual conversations with Quaraun when she saw the Halfling's head.

"Quaraun, why do you have a head in your plate?"

"Why do you say that so calmly, like this is normal every day thing to happen to me?"

"Well, uhm... you know... it kind of is."

Before Quaraun had a chance to answer, Bullgar joined the trio.

"Quaraun!" The giant Dwarf boomed. "There's a head in your plate!" 

"I hate my life."

"Who killed him?" BeaLuna asked. "You or the Phooka?"

"Him tolds me to," Unicorn answered.

"I did not!  I told you to make him shut up. I most certainly did not tell you to cut his head off."

"What else ya expect me to do?"

~From "The Journey Begins" (Volume 4 of The Quaraun Series)

Quaraun had fallen asleep at the table, while the others continued talking. Unicorn in his hyperactive tricksterness, however was unable to continue to follow their conversation once he realized Quaraun had not only fallen asleep but also fell face first into a plate of Raspberry Cake. So many wicked thoughts flashed through the Trickster's deviant mind and he immediately set out to work.

BeaLuna looked over at what the Faerie was doing to the Elf.

"He's gonna kill you," she said.

"I knows," Unicorn laughed.

~o0o~

"What have done to me!" Quaraun was screaming an hour later when he work up, and found himself decorated with frosting.

"I decorated me Elf," Unicorn chirped happily.

"I can see that," the angry Moon Elf snarled at the Faerie. Then screamed at the others. "Why can't you stop him when you see him doing something like this to me!"

"Wow." BeaLuna stared at Quaraun. He was completely covered in frosting, iced like a cake, and then farther decorated with hundreds of tiny pink icing roses. "I guess I wasn't paying attention."

"Oh, I'm sure you weren't. You probably helped him."

"Hey, don't yell at me. It wasn't my idea to let a Trickster Faerie be travelling along with us and besides, you're the one that got drunk and fell asleep in a cake and gave him the idea. You're the one always saying he used to be the world's greatest gingerbread chef or something or'ruther, back when he was alive. Hell the guy used to live in a damned gingerbread house. I remember him spending weeks out there with an icing bag decorating the damned thing. Damn it Quaraun, you look like a gingerbread man."

BeaLuna couldn't keep herself from laughing.

"It's NOT funny," Quaraun growled.

"Yes, actually. It kind of is. I mean you always look ridiculous, but you REALLY look ridiculous right now."

"Gives me reason to lick ya," Unicorn said, as he licked frosting off the Elf's hand.

"Will you stop it?" Quaraun slapped the Faerie who immediately slapped the Elf back.

"No, I is hyper and bored and ya knows how much I loves decorating gingerbread."

"I am not made out of gingerbread!"

Unicorn left the table and went out back to the kitchen. The tavern's workers ran screaming after him.

A waitress laughed as she walked by the table and saw the Elf with more icing on him then a cake should have.

"Can you do something useful and get me a towel?" Quaraun snapped at the giggling waitress.

Quaraun was scooping ivory buttercream out of his hair, when Unicorn returned and stood on a chair behind the Elf.

"Now what are you doing to me?"

"Sprinkling candy sprinkles on me glittering Elf cake."

"I am not a cake!"

"Ya looks like a cake. And ya smells like a cake and it makes me horny."

"EVERYTHING makes you horny! You never calm down!"

"I is undead. I can no help it, eh?"

"You were like that when you were alive, what was your excuse then? And could help it if you wanted too."

Unicorn just laughed and continued dumping tiny rainbow coloured candy sprinkles on the pink Necromancer's head.

"I said stop it!" Quaraun spun around and shoved the Phooka off his chair.

Unicorn lay on the floor laughing.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

Quaraun was now screaming at the top of his lungs as his stood up out of his chair, flinging frosting off himself. Everyone in the tavern stopped what they were doing to watch the Elf have a temper tantrum.

"LOOK AT MY HAIR!" The Elf shrieked.

Quaraun ran around the room looking for a mirror as he continued screaming.

"IT'S GONNA TAKE ME A WEEK TO GET THIS OUT OF MY HAIR! UNICORN! WHY DID YOU DO THIS? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

"You really should know better then to touch his hair," BeaLuna said to the Faerie, who was still laying on the floor laughing as he watched the Elf have a conscription. “You know what he's like.”

"Oh, on the contrary, it be because he fuss over hims hair so much that why it so perfect a thing to do. Beside, him gonna want a bath, and after him stop screaming, he let me give him one. Him not gonna want to wash the frosting out of hims hair, him gonna want someone else to do it for his royal highness. And him be too arrogant to undress himself. I hae to do that too."

"You did that to him just to get him naked?"

"Aye."

"Unicorn, he's running around the tavern screaming himself into hysterics."

"Aye."

"And you're masturbating while you watch him do it."

"Aye."

"I'm gonna agree with Quaraun and say what is wrong with you?"

"Him got a lovely pair of ripe apricots swinging between hims legs and ya can'na say ya hae'na noticed those. Ya lust after him pretty pink balls as much as I do."

"You're perverted."

"I know, but I the one him chooses to bed with at the end of the day. Not ya."

Quaraun was stranding in front of a mirror on the other side of the room, dripping globs of frosting on the floor, shaking his fists and screaming at no one in particular.

“There's cake in my earrings!”

Followed seconds later by:

“There's cake in my nose rings!”

“UNICORN! There's cake in my nose!”

“Look at my hair! It takes me three hours to brush my hair on a good day and it's full of cake!”

“Look at my dress! It's ruined! My dress is ruined!”

“This is Thullid silk. Do you know how much Thullid silk costs?”

~From "The Vampire Leprechaun of Fire Mountain" (Volume 5 of The Quaraun Series)

Quaraun cried out in pain as the Phooka's long razor sharp talons dug deep into his chest, tearing at the flesh and clipping his rib bones. This sudden violence from his lover was unexpected and terrified that Elf as he knew the beast was no longer playing and was truely and dangerously angry.

"Unicorn, you're hurting me," Quaraun wailed. "Please stop. Please."

Quaraun began to struggle desperately against the Phooka, trying to break free of it's grasp, but Quaraun was smaller and weaker than the average Elf and Unicorn had the strength of ten strong and healthy Elves. A sudden panic that the monster was about to kill him, filled the frightened Elf's terrified mind, as he felt the creature's many rows of piranha like fangs sinking into his throat tearing away the flesh, causing the Elf's blood to bleed out profusely.

~From "The Vulgar Alchemist Inn" (Volume 7 of The Quaraun Series)

Unicorn slid his hands across Quaraun's chest. The Elf yelped as the Faerie's fingers brushed over his sore, bruised nipples. 

"Lean forward," Unicorn commanded, as he pressed his hand onto Quaraun's spine and pushed him face down onto the bed. "Don't move. Stay there."

Quaraun braced himself for the Phooka to mount him, but instead Unicorn got off the bed. 

"Don't move," he commanded again.

Quaraun did as he was told, he didn't dare not to, not because Unicorn had commanded it, but rather because he knew if he tried to get up right now, he'd pass out. He'd lost far too much blood. Moments later he felt Unicorn get back onto the bed and move up close behind him. Quaraun's muscles clenched as he felt the Phooka's cold hard dick press against his butt cheeks.

"Sit back up."

"Please. Let me go," Quaraun began crying. He felt the Faerie's hand slide up his back and around to his belly, firmly gripping him, and forcing him to sit upright, pressing his back hard against the Faerie's strong muscular chest.

"Don't be frightened of me, Quaraun. I won't hurt ya. Try to relax." With his other hand Unicorn began to fondle Quaraun's erect cock. Droplets of the Elf's pre-cum began to moisten the Phooka's hand. "There now, ya see it's not that bad. Yis enjoying it already."

As he spoke, the Faerie let go of Quaraun, and began to pile several pillows up in front of the Elf.

"Lean forward again," he said quietly, as he pushed Quaraun down over the pillows. 

Unicorn grabbed Quaraun's by the waist and slammed him face down onto the bed, as the Phooka began rubbing his hard erect dick on the Elf's bare ass. Quaraun braced his hands on the edge of the bed as Unicorn began to fuck his tight ass. Quaraun gasped and tried not to scream as the Vampire Faerie shoved his hard cock up into Quaraun's tiny ass. Unicorn continued fucking him, moving faster, harder, and impaling his cock deeper into the Elf's ass. Quaraun could hear the Phooka's moans of joy, as his juices flowed into Quaraun as though he were a woman. Quaraun howled like a wild animal. His own cum squirted onto the bed as he squealed to the pounding he was receiving. 

Quaraun loved most of all the feel of his balls slapping against Unicorn's with each thrust. As he entered Quaraun again, the Vampire grasped the Elf's butt cheeks, pulling him up off the bed. The two men lay beside each other on the floor, both breathing heavily. The Faerie started laughing hysterically.

Quaraun tried to focus on the Vampire's words, but he was focused more on the strong familiar aroma of the Vampire's cum and the gentle sensation of the Vampire's balls slapping up against his own. 

~From "Into The Swamp of Death" (Volume 8 of The Quaraun Series)

 Feeling Quaraun's growing desire made it difficult for GhoulSpawn to resist. Quaraun involuntarily mewed. A tiny expression of happiness.

In stark contrast to Unicorn's harsh forcefulness, GhoulSpawn was gentle and loving.

"Yi fucking pink penguins!"

GhoulSpawn immediately let go of Quaraun at the sound of Unicorn's voice.

"Ya got an explanation for this?" Unicorn asked as he stared angrily down at the two Elves.

"We fell down the stairs," Quaraun said simply, pushing GhoulSpawn off of him and acting as though nothing had been going on between them.

"Un ya forgot to get back up, I see. Of course de stairs is over dair."

"Well, you can help me up now." 

Quaraun stretched out his hand and waited for Unicorn to help him to his feet. And completely ignored the fact that he and GhoulSpawn were no longer anywhere near the stairs they had originally tumbled down. Unicorn was glaring at GhoulSpawn, who was sitting beside Quaraun trembling in fear and looking as though he was about to piss his pants. Quaraun snapped his fingers to get Unicorn's attention. The Phooka turned to Quaraun.

"Help me up," Quaraun commanded.

Unicorn grabbed the Elf's wrist and jerked him up violently, then slammed him very hard back into the wall, holding him up off the ground. Quaraun squealed in pain as his back made contact with the wood. Fear filled his eyes. He had not expected Unicorn's violent reaction.

"Unicorn, please," Quaraun begged. "Nothing happened."

"Ya has strange definition of nothingness."

"Unicorn..."

"No. I saw everything." The Phooka leaned in, gripping one hand tightly around the Elf's throat, pressing his lips to the Elf's ear and whispered. "I saw more then ya t'ink. I saw ya fall. I saw ya get back up. I saw ya seduce de half-Elf un pull him down on top of ya. I saw him try to get away un ya not let him. Nothing happened only because ya did nae have time before I stopped it. We is soul bound. Did ya forget that? I know every t'ing that happens to ya body. I feel what ya feel. I know when ya horny. Und ya been waiting to get alone with him ever since ya first saw him. Ya t'ink I did nae know that?"

"I wasn't..."

"Ya was. I does nay like being cheated on. Ya knows dat. Ya knows what happened to de Elves before ya."

"You ate them. It's why they call you the Elf Eater."

"No one cheats on me," the angry Faerie snarled as he tightened his grip on Quaraun's throat.

"Unicorn please..."

"How far would ya have gone if had I nae stopped ya?"

"I'm sorry..."

"No ya not." 

The Elf Eater squeezed his hand, cutting off Quaraun's ability to speak, choking the poor frightened Elf who was only now beginning to realize how truly angry Unicorn was.

"Ya just saying that cause ya no want me to rip ya throat out. Ya get alone with him again and ya'll whore yarself out to his all over again. Just like the trashy little slut ya are."

Unicorn tightened his grip more, blood trickled through his fingers as his razor sharp claws sliced through the Elf's flesh like butter. Quaraun's feet were no longer touching the ground. Terror filled him as his chest tightened from lack of air.

Franticly Quaraun clawed at Unicorn's arm trying to release the fingers that were strangling him. The Lich Lord's eyes glowed blue as his illusionary flesh stripped away, replaced by the boney blue crystal skeleton that was his true form. Though a Necromancer able to control the dead, Quaraun had been taken by surprise by Unicorn's reaction and not been prepared to fight back.

The Lich continued to tighten it's death grip on the wizard's throat until he felt Quaraun's body begin the seize. Only then did Gwallmaiic let go, knowing that if he did not, the Elf would die. Quaraun fell to the floor, sprawling on the ground, choking, wheezing, and gasping as his chest heaved to his lungs' desperate attempt to suck in air.

The Lich turned to GhoulSpawn who was frozen in terror. The eyeless sockets of the glowing skull glared at him. He had never seen the Lich's true form before.

~From "The Summoner of Darkness" (Volume 11 of The Quaraun Series)

When the two armies met, a bloody battle broke out between them and Quaraun, did what he does best: he ran and hid.

When the battle was over, the enemy retreated, but with heavy losses on their side and Quaraun now seen to be utterly useless, the soldiers turned on him.

“You damned nigger loving bastard,” the officer screamed as he punched Quaraun in the face, knocking him to the ground. “I ought to shoot you.”

“Gets away from me Elf,” Unicorn roared as he lunged at the soldier, pushing him to the ground, hitting him furiously over and over again. “Free yairself from me Elf, ya no touch him!”

“No!” Quaraun screamed. “Unicorn don't!”

But the Phooka wasn't listening, he was just pummelling the soldier over and over and over in a blind raging fury, smashing his head to a pulp with his bare hands.

One thing Humans often misjudged about the tiny Faerie, was his incredible strength. Phookas were well muscled flesh eating predators, built for killing. In their true form they had viscous flesh ripping fangs and horrific razor sharp claws. Monsters in the truest sense of the word, a Phooka was a formidable man eating beast. That these Trickster Faeries took on the outer appearance of Human form, was only to trick Humans into getting their guard down, so they could get close enough the kill them and eat them.

Another thing about Phookas were their fierce protection of their mates. A Phooka could be induced into a wild, murderous blood frenzy over nothing more then someone giving their mate a look they didn't like. Unicorn thought of Quaraun as his mate and was very defensive and protective of the frail little Elf, so when he saw the soldier punch the Quaraun, Unicorn simply lost it and let every once of raging fury he had in him, out on the Human.

Quaraun scurried back to his feet, and scrambled to pull Unicorn off the solder.

“Unicorn! Stop! Please! Stop!”

Quaraun pulled Unicorn away, as other soldiers were gathering around them. Quaraun stumbled, fallen backwards, Unicorn falling on top of him. The two lay staring up at the dozens of guns now pointing down at them. Other soldiers were gathered around the fallen officer. The soldier's blood dripped from Unicorn's hand. Fragments of his skull and brain were spattered on Unicorn's face. Quaraun didn't have to see the Human or hear what the men were saying to know that the officer was dead and they were now in a lot of trouble.

“You shouldn't have done that,” Quaraun whispered to Unicorn.

“Him was doing harm to ya. Yes?”

“I can take it, Unicorn.”

“No ya can'na. Ya is weak lil wimp.”

“No, you're right. I can't, but you didn't have to kill him.”

“I Phooka. I kill fucking bastard Humans. It what I do.”

“Unicorn, please...”

“I can kill all o them ones der in heartbeat un I shoulds. They is fucking bastards every which one of thems.”

"They are white, Christian Americans."

"Un that all the more reason dair is ta kill t'em. The whiter they are, the more Christian they are, the more American they are, the more they kill every last being is not them. They are the scum of the Earth, a plague upon everything that is decent. The vile white beast does nah deserve to live."

"The whiter they are, the less compassion they have towards life. That is the white Man's way. They are barely sentient beings at all. You know that.  We've been in this time period before, you know what the white Humans are like. Killing them only makes them more violent then they already are."

"Da more reason dair be ta kill them. Do the world a favour un get t'eir white asses off de planet, while dair still be somet'ing none white left to save."

"Their Christians, Unicorn. They march with the flag of the non-White God they murdered. The cross they killed him on, on every flag. The more Christian they, the more likely they are to kill us for not being white or Human. Murder is all the Christians know how to do, it's what their God teaches them. They eat the flesh of their God and drink his blood. Do you have any idea how barbaric Christians are?" 

"Killing dem stops dem afores dey kill again."

"I abhor killing."

"Even killing monstrous beasts like these white Christian Americans?"

“Unicorn please....”

“Why ya no let me eradicates them?”

“They brought us into the future. We can't do anything to change history. We need to get back to our own time without doing anything to disrupt the future.”

“This no be good future. I believe we kill them all, we make future lot much more better place. Ya want save life? How many persons they gonna eliminate if we no put an end to thems war, eh?”

The soldiers dragged Quaraun and Unicorn back to the Colonel’s tent. Quaraun did not resist and remained quiet, but Unicorn yelled and screamed and threatened the soldiers all the way there. The fact that Unicorn's black, whiteless, irisless eyes had turned a white blue and were starting to glow, was lost on the angry Humans, but not on Quaraun, who was dreading the level of anger Unicorn was being driven to.

Every once in a while, Unicorn would get lose and take a swing at one of the soldiers and this would result in several of them holding him down while others kicked him and beat him, resulting in Quaraun screaming and pleading with Unicorn, begging him to be quiet and stop resisting. The trip back to camp should only have taken an hour, but because of Unicorn's fighting them the whole way, it was several hours, before they finally reached camp.

The men quickly explained to the Colonel the events that had befallen them.

The Colonel shoved Unicorn towards the two soldiers standing by his desk.

“Keep that damned slave seated and quiet,” the officer ordered his men. “Shoot him if you have to. That black bastard has a mouth like the blazing pits of Hell on him. I hate niggers.”

The soldiers pushed Unicorn into a chair and stood on either side of him watching him suspiciously as though they expected him to run out and kill every white man among them.

“Damned nigger lover,” the officer sputtered to himself as he turned back to Quaraun. “I should have known you was useless, minute I found out you considered that black bastard a friend instead of your slave. Who's side of this war are you on?”

“I'm not on any side. I don't even know what this war is about. This is not my time period. You brought me here. I'm not from here.”

“Damn Hell you aren't. You haven't got a clue how to keep your slave in line.”

“He's not a slave.”

“He's blacker then tar, that makes him a slave.”

“Ya fucking Human bastards, all ya ever do is enslave every thing ya get ya filthy hands on.”

“Listen to the mouth on that black bastard.”

“Fucking piece of shit white Human bastards do no like the mouth of me fucking black ass. Fuck fucking fucked fucker fucking fuckups fuck fucking fucked fucking fuckup fucking fucker's fucking fuckup,” Unicorn began muttering to himself.

“I don't believe in keeping slaves.”

“Nigger lover. Should have known.”

“Stop calling me that.”

“What should we call you, eh? You're roaming around the battlefield with a black devil following you and you say he's not your slave.”

“Iffy ya'd let me speak, perhaps it could be, I could clarify that,” Unicorn said.

The commander punched Unicorn in the face. Quaraun jumped away, terrified, but Unicorn just sat there, glaring at the officer.

“Ya fucking bastard, ya'll pay for that,” Unicorn said, licking the blood from his split lip.

The soldier hit him again.

“I told you I didn't want to hear a word out of your filthy black heathen mouth.”

“I is no heathen, I is Phooka.”

“I said shut up.” The Colonel hit him again.

~From "GhoulSpawn and The Lich Lord's Lover" (Volume 22 of The Quaraun Series)

Quaraun woke up to the sounds of a scuffle. He sat up, blinking and looking around, trying to remember where he was and wondering who was fighting. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the bright mid morning sun, before he realized GhoulSpawn and Unicorn were fighting. Or rather Unicorn was beating up GhoulSpawn.

GhoulSpawn was on the ground, trying to shield his face from the blows, with his arms as Unicorn sat on top of the half-Elf punching him over and over again. Quaraun didn't know what to do. Unicorn was had many times his strength. Even he and GhoulSpawn together did not have half the strength of the undead Phooka.

Quaraun looked around wondering if there was anything he could use to help the half-Elf, but his attention was brought back to the fight when he heard GhoulSpawn's gurgled, choking screams. Unicorn now had his hands clenched tight on the Sun Elf's throat, strangling him. The poor half-Elf was struggling desperately against the undead beast. Quaraun knew he had to do something to break them up before Unicorn killed GhoulSpawn.

"No! Please!" Quaraun cried as he scrambled to his feet and ran to Unicorn, grabbing hold of his shoulders and trying to pulling him off GhoulSpawn. "Please don't hurt him. Stop. Please stop. Please!"

Unicorn let go of GhoulSpawn, briefly. Long enough to swing around and punch Quaraun, knocking the Moon Elf to the ground.

 GhoulSpawn was gasping and chocking, trying to breath, too dizzy to get away, before Unicorn pounced on him again, this time biting the half-Elf, sinking his fangs deep into GhoulSpawn's throat drawing blood.

"No!" Quaraun screamed. "Don't! Please don't!"

Quaraun knew the Vampire Lich would tear the half-Elf apart in seconds, if he didn't do something to stop the enraged undead creature. Quaraun's mind was reeling as he tried to think of what to do, how to stop the angry Phooka was eating his friend.

~From "GhoulSpawn and The Lich Lord's Lover" (Volume 22 of The Quaraun Series)