"He's a Lich," Quaraun said to no one in particular.
"Who a Lich," asked the Vampire as he moved around the table to a new chair, sat down beside Quaraun and poured him another drink. The liquid came out of the pitcher purple and pink striped this time. Quaraun had not yet noticed a different drink was coming out each time or that they were impossibly coloured.
“Here, has more drink.” The Vampire handed Quaraun the purple and pink striped potion.
"Do you never get tired of bothering me?"
"Oh no! Never! I could torments ya for an eternity. It is ever so much fun. Un as I is all dead un immortal, or undead un whatever, un yis a Necromancer trapped here in the netherworld with evil lil me, looks like I might just get to do that. Me Heaven seems to be yar Hell. So basically yis in Hell un I just gonna torment ya forever. Which is must make this Heaven for me. Is it not wonderful?"
"Wonderful. Greeeeat. I'm overjoyed," Quaraun answered sarcastically. "Why do I always get stuck with psychotic dead things following me?”
“Because yis psychopathic Necromancer, me t’inks.”
“I hate dead things."
"Oh un blood! Wooooooh oooh oooh! Haha! Oh, let us not forget blood! Ya always get stuck with bloody dead things that make ya faint. Here have a glass a milk steeped in blood, cheer ya right up."
"Hmmm. Hahaha. Never fails." The Vampire looked down at Quaraun, unconscious on the floor. "I tinks I really could do this for an eternity. Un looks like I is gonna get to. Hahaha!"
"Is he alright?" The barmaid asked, peering over the bar.
"Oh, him fine. He be just scared milk un faints at sight of blood. Him wake shortly. I does this to him all the time. Been doing this to him for centuries now. He has'na got enough brains to figured it out yet. I has been dead for a few hundred years ya know. Been haunting me poor wee Elf, pretty much hims whole life. Absolutely the most I has ever had. I love being Lich. Him keep killing me un I just keep coming back. It be ever so much fun un it just a lot more funner, now that I can actually see him. I used to be blind, ya know. I never seen no one so scared of milk before. I never used to see him at all. Never even heard of anyone being scared of milk before."
"Scared of milk?" Another barmaid asked.
"Mmm-huh. Heheha. Ooooh. Me poor Elf. Bad heart un scared of milk."
"Who's scared of milk?"
"I thought he was a Necromancer."
"Ohhh. That him is. Him is, big bad evil mega villain un he faints at the sight of blood un milk un spiders un mice un water un bridges un oooh, that be what make this so much fun to do this to him...ahh...yis awake agains."
"I am so sick of people doing that to me," Quaraun growled as he got back up off the floor.
"Aye, well, maybe ya should get over yar fear of bloody milk. Haha! Now, who's a Lich?"
"I thought him was Phooka?"
"He was a Phooka and he turned himself into a Lich after turning himself into an Elf. And he acts like you.”
“Me? How so?”
“He took every opportunity he could to scare me and make me pass out.”
“A trickster then?”
“Yes. He's the Elf Eater of Pepper Valley."
"Really, eh? Well that be new kettle of fish. Elf Eater of Pepper Valley, eh? Him was most powerful wizard of all known realms of existence. Planes Jumper. Realm traveller. HeadgeWalker..."
"Yes. Very psychotic. He kind of reminds me of you."
"Imagine that. I wonder why?”
“I seem to attract lunatics to me.”
“Takes one to know one.”
“Yes. It does.”
“Admitting yis insane?”
“That’s not what I said.”
“Un yar Unicorn it be him that were this psychotic Lich?"
"Is ya sure?"
"Yes. I killed him three times, I can't get the bastard out of my life, he's hung up on tormenting me for god knows what reason. It doesn’t matter how many times he dies. He always comes back. Of course I'm sure."
“Does ya nay want him coming back?”
“That’s not what I said.”
“Sounded like it.”
“I like him. He just takes his pranks too far some times.”
"Did ya ever look at yarself in a mirror? Damn yis hot. Un ya smell so delicious."
The Vampire nuzzled up close to Quaraun and licked his neck.
"There be nothing like Elf blood to stir me desires to boiling mad. It been made ever so worse since becoming a Vampire. Draining yar gorgeous body of every last drop of blood is all I can tinks aboot.”
“You’re not going to drink my blood.”
“Ain’t nothing I can t’inks of I would rather do, ‘cepting maybe fucking ya.”
“You’ll not fuck me either.”
Quaraun glared at the Vampire.
“Iffy I promised to neither bite ya nor fucks ya, would ya sleep in me bed with tonight?”
“Why would I do that?”
“Yis lost un alone.”
“And you’re a Vampire.”
“Damn. I a Vampire now, I'll's never look at myself in a mirror agains will I?"
"Why would you look at yourself in a mirror? You're a Vampire. You don't cast a reflection."
"Ahyah. But I new Vampire. I showed up here the same day ya did. That makes me a Vampire for less then a week. I not used to it yet."
"Not like I seen myself in a mirror in a few centuries any ways. Un I has never gotten a really good look at ya before either. Yis so much more beautiful then I thought ya were."
"And you're uncomfortably close to me."
The Vampire was nose to nose with the Elf, draping an arm around his shoulders.
"Aye, Elves do like their personal space dont they?"
"You're a Vampire and you're close enough to bite me."
"Ya used to let an Elf Eater get close enough to bite ya un yis an Elf."
"He was BoomFuzzy."
"Does that make a difference?"
"Yes. It does."
"Did ya only let the Unicorn fuck ya because ya thought he was BoomFuzzy?"
"What if I was BoomFuzzy?"
Quaraun stared at the Vampire.
"You're not BoomFuzzy."
"But what if I was?"
"You could do whatever you wanted to me."
"If I was BoomFuzzy?"
"If you was BoomFuzzy, which you're not."
"Is ya sure?"
"You're not BoomFuzzy."
"But yar, Unicorn, he was BoomFuzzy?"
"And BoomFuzzy is the Elf Eater of Pepper Valley."
"But ya were his lover."
"Did ya know he was the Elf Eater of Pepper Valley before becoming his lover?"
"No. Well. Yes. Kind of. I suspected it."
"Did ya remain his lover eftah finding out for sure?"
"How comes that, eh?"
"I love BoomFuzzy. Didn't seem to matter any more, who he was, by the time I found out. I went over and over it in my mind and it didn't matter, who he was. I still loved him. Poor Unicorn. He didn't want to be a Lich. He hated being a Lich. I was careless. I thought, because he was a Lich, that nothing could kill him. I was wrong. He was in his physical, non-Lich form, when the Orcs attacks. He could still die in his non-Lich form. I didn't know that. I would have been more careful of him, had I known that. And now he's dead."
"Is ya sure?"
"Unicorn's dead. Unicorn was BoomFuzzy. BoomFuzzy's dead."
"But ya said he was a Lich un Lich does'na die."
"And you're a Vampire. Vampires aren't supposed to die either, but they can. Stake through the heart, cut off your head, and all that stuff."
"Is ya planning to kill me?"
"No, but you are rather too close for comfort right now. I was just stating a fact. Things that are undead can be killed."
"No, actually. No really. Stake through heart, do'na actually kill us. I tinks. I will no want to test that though. We are like Liches. Turn to dust un disappear for a time, slowly regenerate un come back agains. So, staking a Vampire, does'na really kill us. I is na sure that ya could actually kill a Vampire permanently any better then ya could kill a Lich permanently. No, I suspect yar Unicorn is still alive, around here somewhere, if it is true he was a Lich. He's bound to be around here somewhere. Undead things always turn up agains when ya least expect them. It's the nature of us undead things, ya know. We just pop out of the woodwork when ya least expect us, un fuck the hell out of ya for no reason at all."
Quaraun stared at the Vampire, wondering if he should try to run away from it.
"Haha! Do ya know," the Vampire continued. "That ya are absolutely the most beautiful thing I has ever seen."
"Yes, everyone keeps telling me that. That's the problem of being an Elf. Eternal beauty and everyone, everywhere wants to fuck you because of it. Eternal beauty is a curse. Everyone, everywhere I go wants to fuck me. Humans especially! I've got young Human girls tossing themselves in my lap everywhere I go. Do you have any idea how many times I've had a Human fling herself on me and introduce herself by saying how much she loves my blue eyes and wants to have my babies? And I don't even like women! And men are always wanting to fuck me too. Though most of them, usually keep it to themselves. It’s very annoying.”
“That they keep it to themselves?”
“That they want to fuck me.”
“I want to fuck ya.”
“Like I said. Everyone, everywhere I go.”
“Can’na say as I blame them. I’d like to fuck ya too.”
“You’re rather bold aren't you?"
"I dead. Can'na get much bolder then being walking corpse."
"I suppose that's true. Why do dead things keep wanting to fuck me?"
“Are ya sure it be multiple dead things un not just always one dead thing in different forms? Phookas are shape shifters you know. Look like anything or anyone.”
“Yes. I do seem to attract dead shape shifters to me.”
"Yis a Necromancer, ya attract dead things to ya. Un yis a damn beautiful Necromancer, so young un physically perfectly flawless. Yar mind be sort of cracked, Thullid un all, so that's to be expected, but yar body be amazing.”
“That scar is always gonna bother ya, isn't it?”
“My body would be flawless without it.”
“Most Necromancers are old un hideous. Un damn, ya really DO have the most amazing blue eyes. I do'na tinks I ever noticed that before. Never was able to see ya eyes. They are bluer than a clear blue cloudless sky. I tinks I’ll agree with the Human girls, if I was a woman, I would be wanting lots of babies by ya too, so they all could all have yar blue eyes."
"I'm not sure if I should be scared of you or thank you for the complement."
"Maybe ya should let me fuck ya un find out."
Quaraun stared down at the drink he'd been drinking, which the Vampire had stopped refilling now that he was more absorbed in sniffing Quaraun's hair and licking his neck. The Vampire had a distinctive scent of cinnamon and cloves and gingerbread to him. Quaraun was beginning to feel very, very strange. He looked up at the room. It twisted and swirled out of place. The patrons in the tavern flickered on and off light candles trying not to blow out. The only thing that wasn't moving and twisting out of shape was the Vampire across from him at the table. It was only then that Quaraun realized the table, the floor, the building, and even the people wandering around the inn were all made out of gingerbread.
“BoomFuzzy. He was an Illusionist. He made his illusions out of gingerbread.”
“Ya seeing gingerbread? Ya ain't had a drink in a bit, eh?”
"This place isn't real."
"Seeing that are ya? Maybe ya need more to drink."
Quaraun looked down at his drink. It was now orange with blue polka dits.
"What is this drink?"
"Angelic Ecstasy Ambrosia. They say that once ya drink it, ya become addicted to it. Yis aboot on yar 30th glass in the last few hours. Un ya, my pretty wee lil Elf, ya've been sitting here drinking it for days now. Yis aboot ready to just fly to the moon."
"What is in it?"
"No one knows."
"You're a Faerie aren't you? This is Fae food. You drugged me."
The Vampire flashed a wild Cheshire cat grin. "Brouhaha! Wooooooh oooh oooh! Haha! Hehe, ha haha! Oh, aye, I most certainly did. Poison frogs, hallucinogenic chocolate covered undead apricots, un psychedelic mushrooms are somewhat of a speciality of mine.”
“Why are you doing this?”
“Because ya did something fucking bad un ya forgot what was.”
The Vampire changed forms, melting away to become the Moon Elf candy maker, who looked very much like Quaraun, except for his inky black eyes and masses of white afro curls that tangled into long wild dreadlocks. BoomFuzzy, dressed as always in long dark chocolate brown velvet robes, decorated with white icing-like embroidery and tiny red buttons resembling cinnamon candy.
“Are you BoomFuzzy, or just looking like him?”
“I is BoomFuzzy. Who else would make an illusion out of gingerbread un drugs ya with wine made of chocolate un apricots?”
“Chocolate?” Quaraun looked down at his drink. He was now holding a mug of cocoa.
“Ya can hide anything chocolate. Everyone loves chocolate un candy. Haha! Ya should know that by now, ya silly wee lil Elf."
"Because yis a Necromancer un I is Vampire who did'na want to be a Vampire - I do'na tinks, I is na sure yet what I tinks of being turned into a Vampire, but in any case I is Vampire who's somewhat pissed at Necromancers right now, un oh, haha! It's ever so much fun to drug ya Quaraun! Makes it so much easier to fuck the daylights out of ya. Ya turned me into a Vampire, without my permission, ya tinks I is gonna let ya get away with that."
"I'm not the Necromancer who turned you into a Vampire."
"Do no bet yar life on it."
"No, I'm not."
"Aye, ya are. My dear wee lil idiot Elf, ya most certainly are the Necromancer who turned me into a Vampire. Ya bloody, bloody, monstrous Thullid of an Elf. Yis downright evil. Ya has been living a double life. Of course, I was living a double life too. Or a triple un quadruple life rather. Oh my! I was so many people wasn't I? Haha! I had forgotten who I was. But so have ya...or rather ya turn yar back on what ya do. Look at ya, all yar pink frills, sweet wee lil Thullid Elf, so innocent, with so much blood on yar hands. Ya went too far this time. The words of prophet haunt yar soul, un ya can'na live with what ya've done."
"Words of the prophet? What are you talking about?"
“Chocolate covered candy apricots?” The Vampire placed a box of chocolates on the table. It was identical to the box FarDarrig had given him on Fire Mountain.
"Where did you get that?"
"I made it. It's what I do. I is candy maker remember?"
"Yis an evil black hearted monster Quaraun. BoomFuzzy was a shapeshifter, remember? Could look like anything or anyone, remember? Ya need to wake up un look at what ya has become. Ya have done exactly what FarDarrig said ya would do. Ya killed yar friends."
Quaraun stood up, but stumbled dizzily and steadied himself with the edge of the table.
"Did not anyone ever tell ya, to never accept a drink from strangers in strange taverns? I seem to recall telling ya that myself, not much more then a year ago. Ya got a bad habit of walking into traps I set for ya. Gingerbread houses un Screaming Unicorns. Have ya never learned nothing from me? Ya idiot Quaraun. Ya killed yar people un blamed it on me! Ya thought ya could get away with it, because I lost me memory. Haha! Ya has restored everything, Quaraun. Everything. Ya did'na just restore yar wee lil Unicorn back to life. Ya restored me back to life too, with all me memories, un me health, un me eyesight, un all me powers. Did you forget in all your hunting of Liches, what a Lich was? A Lich is a very, fucking, very powerful wizard. For all your hunting for BoomFuzzy, you knew he was a Lich now, you forgot what it was a Lich really is. Or who BoomFuzzy was, when he wasn’t BoomFuzzy."
Quaraun looked over at the Vampire, who was now a glowing bright blue skeleton, with wild frizzy dread locked hair, and hovering Lich-like over the table.
"You're a Lich."
"I’m not just any Lich, Quaraun, I’m your Lich. I’m the Elf Eater of Pepper Valley, leader of the Lich Lords. Ya thought I was a Lich when I first walked in here. Ya were right ya know. Ya restored me youth un me health. Oh ya got yar wish. Ya got exactly what ya wanted. Just not like ya thought. Ya fell into a Faerie trap AGAIN, Quaraun. Un ya has drunk so much Faerie wine, made by a Phookan Vampire Lich Lord, that ya created un restored magnificently. But BeaLuna was right, yis so damn addicted to my Faerie wine, ya always have been, it's become so easy for me to catch ya, agains un agains un agains. Poor wee lil Quaraun. Yis aboot ready to pass out from all that Faerie wine. Haha! Un ya remember, there are only two things ever on me mind, un ya've made me a Lich with solid corporeal body? I is Lich un I can touch ya. This is wonderful. Ya has made virtually indestructible. Un I is BoomFuzzy, who ya said can do anything he wanted to ya. Wahhabi! Yis such a wonderful idiot, Quaraun."
The Elf Eater of Pepper Valley laughed, as the Elf fell unconscious to the floor.
Ads by Amazon