Quaraun The Insane:
Volume 1:  
The Night of The Screaming Unicorn
Captured By The Lich Lord

The Night of The Screaming Unicorn
Captured By The Lich Lord

The Night of The Screaming Unicorn
Captured By The Lich Lord

The Night of The Screaming Unicorn
Captured By The Lich Lord

"I'm sorry I bothered you," Quaraun said nervously. "I feel I should leave.”

Quaraun glanced around the room, for a means of escape. The front door appeared to be the only way in or out of this room. There were no other doors, not even a window. Something was wrong. From the outside, this building was huge, there should be doors to a kitchen, stairs leading up stairs. It was off. It was wrong. Why had he not noticed this before? There had been windows on the outside, where were they now? There were no windows in here. Not one. Like the tiny heart shaped bag on his belt, the inside of this place did not match its outside. There was magic here and a Phooka. Faerie magic. And a Faeries, sitting in plain sight in broad daylight. He should have left the moment he had seen the Phooka. Quaraun backed away from the Phooka that was attempting to get closer to the door.

"Oh no, do no leave, ya've only just arrived, besides that time is passed. We tried to let ya leave an ya did'na go, so yis stuck here now," purred the Phooka. "Pray tell me more aboot ya self. What clan is ya from, luscious Elven Stranger?"

"If there is going to be an issue of my race, I will kindly leave and seek shelter elsewhere." Quaraun turned to leave, but found the door now be guarded by a pair of rough looking black eyed, black haired, beardless Dwarves each armed with several large nasty looking weapons. 

Beardless Dwarves. 

That wasn't right. 

Quaraun put his ears back, as a hint of fear swept through his chest. There was no such thing as beardless Dwarf. Even their women had beards. It was clear the inhabitants, of this town, were not what they appeared to be. They were not Dwarves and they were not friendly towards Elves. 

Quaraun now desperately wanted to leave. 

"Ya will'na find shelter elsewhere in this town, not here nor elsewheres, mainly because there is no elsewheres," growled the Phooka menacingly, rising from his seat. "There is no towns for miles around. In fact there is no town here at all. Only me." 

Quaraun hesitated not knowing what to do. He was not a fighter, he disliked physical confrontations. It as obvious the guards at the door would not let him walk out. And the Phooka behind him, Quaraun didn't know what he felt about it, it aroused him and repulsed him at the same time, he just wanted to get away from it fast.

"Perhaps ya should just fucking order a meal," said the Phooka, not taking his eyes off Quaraun. "How aboot some nice mutton, eh?"

"I am an Elf," Quaraun answered arrogantly. "We do not eat meat."

"Ooooh! Always the snobby ones ain't they?" The Phooka laughed and then flashed a wide grin. "Ya eating meat, twere not what I had in mind. Mutton fat make ya nice and slick. Easy to fuck. More things to do with mutton then eat it."

"No?" Once again, Quaraun was not paying much attention to the Phookas words, his attention elsewheres. He was too busy noticing that the room seemed to much smaller than it had been moments earlier.

"No. We twere thinking more along the lines of a nice bowl of mutton fat to grease that fine white bahookie of yous. We can think of so many things to does with ya that does not involve eating ya. We be alone a wickit long time an there be other things I desiren more than food. Be ya male or female really does no matter to me. I'll take ya either way, though I admit I is rather glad yis a male. We likes that better."

Quaraun turned back to face the dark Faerie, his blue eyes widened by the sudden realization what the Phooka had in mind.

"Indeed," Quaraun said dryly. "I think I shall take my leave of your establishment. Good day."

The Moon Elf walked back to the door intending to push past the guards, but the door suddenly was no longer there, replaced instead by a stone wall. Quaraun turned back toward the Phooka and nearly crashed into the beast as it was now standing inches before him.

“Ya ain't no been listening to me, Elf.”

"Please let me leave," Quaraun said to the Phooka.

"Oh, no. We think not. Ya see we already tried that ya would'na go. And now, I has did changed me mind. It be been ever so long since we've had an Elf to play with." 

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The Phooka reached up between the Elf's thighs and grasped his balls, much harder than he had done before. Quaraun gasped and quickly backed away. The Phooka let go of him, letting him step away.

"Please let me leave, I wish to cause no trouble. I was unaware that my people were unwelcome here. Please, I will go back the way I came, I meant no harm."

The Phooka laughed maniacally. "Ya walk into Faerie territory an ya expect to leave? Hahahahahaha! Yis in my country now, Elf. This is the Forest of No Return. Turn ya brain on, Quaraun, ya know this forest, ya has seen it a'forah. It grew up once in ya village. Does ya no remember? I can take me forest anywheres I desiren to. No one leaves the Realm of Fae. No one leaves me Forest of No Return. Thus the name."

Quaraun moved to step towards the door, hoping it was there and just he couldn't see it, but the instant he did he was grabbed by two more Phookas who had materialized behind him. They held him, while a third shackled his arms and legs. Before he had a chance to realize what was happening, Quaraun found himself chained to a giant pine tree. His back to the tree and arms wrapped behind its girth. The position was terribly uncomfortable and did nothing to help the pain from his wounds. He tried not to cry out. Letting the Phooka know he was injured was the last thing he wanted to do.

The room flickered, then blinked out like a snuffed candle, the forest growing up fast around him. The bar, the tables and the chairs, everything dissolved into bushes and tree stumps. The Dwarves and Gnomes twisted and melted away, as sharp fanged, grinning, black haired, black eyed, dark skinned Phookas took their place. He was so busy being scared of them, that he did not notice the Phooka had dressed him by name.

“See? I gone done drop a house on you head, an ya were just too busy worrying aboot having you luscious ripe mangos squeezed, to hear a word me twere saying. Ya should learn to pay better attention to you surroundens.”

What had once stood as a town, now faded away and became a crumbling fortress, long ago overgrown with vines. An ancient castle, now collapsed and tumbled to ruins. The path by which Quaraun had entered, had also disappeared, replaced by many tall towering pines. The port and the ships whispered into fog as the empty ocean crashed screaming against the rocky shore. The storm was gone too, replaced now by the dense ocean fog that rolled through the vast old growth forest.

“I coulds squeeze ya kiwis agains an it'd be the only thing ya'd notice agains. Ya like it. It all ya think aboot. Ya miss ya BoomFuzzy. Ya miss him a fucking shit load ton, eh?”

“Please let me go.”

"This is me Forest of No Return, ya can'na leave. We simply will'na let ya, it 'tis such rare treat for us to serve Elf on our menu. The Elves just does no make a habit of waltzing in here, ya know? Ya aristocratic ceety Elves is kind of stupid, ya ain't the survival smarts that the feral Wood Elves has. That be why they be so damned hard to catch." 

The Phooka being shorter than Quaraun, now stood eye level to Quaraun by standing on Elf's pink boots and leaning forward nose to nose to Quaraun, while stroking his soft white hair. 

"My but yis a pale one ain't we?"

Quaraun now fully realized he had walked into a town that did not exist. His mind reeled, trying to think of a way out of this. 

“Faeries.”

“Yep. Ya gone done walked right through a portal into me Realm of Fae Ye ain't no more in ye own world. This here be my world. We created it. We rule it. And ya can no get outs unless I lets ya..We is but god in our own insane asylums here an yis me prisoner.”

“Please let me go.”

“How come?”

“I don't want to die.”

“An hour ahgoo ya wanted to die so much ya twere ready to kill ya self.” 

“I want the pain to go away.”

“I can help ya with that.”

“You're an Elf Eater.”

“I is.”

“I don't want to die. I just want to find a reason to live.”

“Now I has given ya a reason to want to live.

"Elf Eaters are Faeries. I forgot.”

The Phooka nodded. “Aye, that is what we is.” 

Quaraun had not been thinking about Faeries. He'd been worried about monsters and storms. Faeries hadn't even crossed his mind. 

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“Stupid! I should never walk into a forest without checking for Faeries.”

“No, ya shouldn't.” The Phooka continued to rub his hands over Quaraun's chest. "And I is positive ya twere taught that to. Ya twere taught by the bestest of the bestest. I ought to knows. I is the bestest.”

The town, the tavern, the people, it had all an illusion created by these dark horrible bloodthirsty Faeries. No wonder there were no Elves in the mix. No Elf in their right mind would set foot in a Faerie Forest. The Faeries were not to be trusted.

Quaraun scolded himself silently, while trying to ignore the rising excitement he felt at the Phooka's gentle touch. More then the Phooka's touch was the intoxicating smell of his hair. Now that the Phooka was very close to him, Quaraun could smell the fragrance of clove, cinnamon, and anise in the creature's hair. It was the same smell he associated with BoomFuzzy. BoomFuzzy had, had long thick dreadlocks that he washed in the oils of cloves cinnamon, and anise. In the years since BoomFuzzy's death, Quaraun had avoided contact with these spices because they reminded him too much of BoomFuzzy.

“How did I let myself get captured by Dark Brackish Water Faeries? I'm smarter than this. I knew better than to walk into a town or a building without first checking for traps, illusions, or dark magic. I let my guard down. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Was so worried so much by the coming storm, never even thought to check for any hint of magic. Especially in such a deep old growth forest as this. This is exactly the type of place Dark Faeries hang out. “

“Aye, checking for magic would has been the smart thing to done. Especially in a storm, near the ocean, in an old growth forest. Prime sign ya got a Water Faerie that can control the weather in the area. But ya know that be odd thing to think because most folks would'na of thought to done that anyways.”

Quaraun wasn't listening to the Faerie, however, he was continuing to talk to himself as though no one was in the room with him at all.

“Do ya always talk to ye self, Elf?”

Quaraun was too busy scolding himself to notice the Fae had spoken.

“Ya did no usit does that. Ya been living alone too long ain't ya? Not had no one but yer self to converse with, eh?”

The Phooka, poked Quaraun in the stomach to get his attention.

“I twere talking to yas, there, Elf. Ya got so caught up in ya conversation with ya self ya did no notice, eh?”

“I hate Phookas.”

“Ya did no usit. We remember a time when ya loved Phookas. Could no get enough of one Phooka in particular.”

“I should have known there'd be Faeries in these woods.” Quaraun continued talking to himself. “Should have suspected it as soon as I realized the inside of the building didn't match the outside. Why hadn't I noticed the lack of windows sooner?”

“Windees, eh? Hmmm. Did'na notice I forgots them. Does gets fucking hard to keep track of all the little fucking details, especially when one is going on fucking long dead memories.” 

“It was that stupid map. I should never have listened to that map. I should have been on my guard for Faeries at every step. And I especially should have suspected something was wrong the moment I saw you, a Phooka, sitting out in a public place in broad daylight. Why didn't I think to turn and leave the moment I saw the Phooka?”

“An talking to yaself. Ya didna usit do that, ya know. Oh does no look so glum.”

“Phookas are nasty creatures, darkest, cruellest, bloodiest, most black hearted shape-shifting tricksters of all the races of Fae.” Quaraun spat on the beast. ”Phookas are deviant bloodthirsty creatures, they eat their prisoners and bath in their blood.”

“Aye, an we can turn into anything. Change into a bathtub an wait for someone to get in, then swallow ya whole. Eat you mother then sit in you house disguised as you mother, wait for ya to come home then when ya least expect it, I'll eat ya too. Ya coulds no even trust you mother to not be a Phooka. Or a Thullid for that matter, eh? We can shift into anything or anyone. Nothing an no one coulds be trusted in Phooka territory. We is even bloodier than RedCaps an FarDarrigs combined. Isn't it wonderful! We always live in cairn ruins deep in old growth pine forests, near the edge of brackish water. Oceans, swamps, an marshes is wheres one expects to find us Phookas.” 

“And here I am in a swamp infested ancient forest on the edge of the ocean. Damn me for not paying attention to all those warning signs. I walked right into your trap.”

Quaraun looked up at the sky. The thunder and lightning had stopped. The storm had disappeared.

"The storm was illusion as well," Quaraun muttered out loud, noticing that the clouds had sunk and turned to a low fog.

"Oh, yes," the Phooka nodded gleefully. "It brings so many right into our tavern. Or, well, it usit. Perhaps it still does an I just does not see them. All pink an white, ya stand out. The lost, the weary, the tired travellers who find themselves so far off the beaten path, see a storm bearing down on them, an suddenly a glimmer of hope, a path in the woods appears, leading them right here to me! Hot food, cauld drink, warm bed, it really is a pleasant place to be, until I eat them of course. They twould so enjoy a nice long vacation here with us, we can be such pleasant company, such a pity they never live through the night."

"Because you eat them."

The Phooka nodded emphatically, giggling uncontrollably, while his solid black eyes danced and sparkled with wicked glee.

Quaraun pulled at the chains which bound his wrists. He couldn't tell if the shackles were real or more illusion. They might be nothing but pine needles for all he knew. Whatever they were, he was held tight and wasn't going anywhere soon. Phookas were powerful magical creatures. Their power rivalled that of the Liches. In fact, it was said that at least one of the Lich Lords had started out in life as a Phooka making him far more formidable than the others. And Phookas didn't need to study wizardry to do what they did, they just did it. It was a natural born ability for them.

Quaraun usually picked up on Faerie magic, but Phookas were different from other Fae. Older, wiser, and far more powerful. And they gained more power as they aged. Quaraun estimated, but the power this Phooka seemed to possess, he must have been truly ancient.

Quaraun had never encountered a Phooka before, he only knew of them from stories, scrolls, textbooks. But he knew they had to be as powerful as the rumours told, for him to not have sensed their magic auras as soon as he'd entered their area.

"So the Screaming Unicorn was a monster's lair after all," Quaraun muttered to himself, not realizing he'd said it out loud.

"How be that, eh?" Asked the Phooka. He appeared startled by the words Screaming Unicorn.

"A map lead me here."

"A map, eh? Ho! Ho! Really? What a fuckingly delightful ting. A map! How come for we never thought of maps did we? Think of all the food we coulds herd our way with maps sold to travellers of other towns. Such a delightful thought. Isn't it a delightful thought? Haha!"

The other Phookas all nodded and cheered in agreement. Quaraun suspected they might be too scared of their leader to not agree with him, for some of them looked positively terrified of him. Rumours said that the Phookas were cannibals as well. If they could find no one else to eat, they took to eating each other. A Phooka who lead the clan, would likely be the most fierce, the most feared, the most powerful, and the most deadly.

"What is this Screaming Unicorn?" Quaraun asked.

"Oh why that would me. I am the Screaming Unicorn."

"You?" Quaraun felt uneasy and confused. Unicorns were only slightly less pleasant than Phookas. "You are no Unicorn."

"Oh quite the contrary, we can bes anything we desiren to be, an I often likes to be a unicorn."

The Phooka faded away and a giant black unicorn with shining silver horn now stood in its place. Hoping the Phooka's magic was weakened by his changing forms, Quaraun pulled at the chains again, but they were held tight, or at least they seemed to be. He wasn't sure what was real and what was illusion any more. 'Or perhaps, I'm just too weak to fight a simple illusion.'

"Oh, it 'tis no use struggling, ya won't break free." The Phooka shifted again, back to his natural dark humanoid form, a unicorn no more. "No use trying, even if ya coulds break free, ya coulds no get far, the trees is at me command, they will uproot an walk for me, rearrange themselves, ya won't get past. There is no paths out of here, they carefully covered every last one. We told them too. Even as delightfully skinny an trim as yis, ya can'na even squeeze atween their trunks. Can ya see how close they has come together now, eh?"

"Yes. I had noticed that."

"Oh goody!" The Phooka squealed. "We coulds no tell if we had done that one right."

"You couldn't..."

"Hard to see the forest for the trees these days. Me eyes not what they usit be."

"So, the trees are illusions as well? Damn, you are one powerful Phooka."

"Oh, why thank ya. We do try."

"No, but it's not just you, it's a whole tribe," Quaraun muttered glumly. "No wonder the magic was so strong. Phookas are usually solitary, and here you are an entire tribe of Phookas working together to create this massive illusion."

"Tribe?" The Phooka looked around puzzled. "Oh, yes. we forgot they were there. Clap for the Elf, boys, hims can learn this one can."

The other Phookas clapped as they were told, but stopped when the Screaming Unicorn waved his hand at them. They fell silent again and hunkered down at the edge of the tree line to watch what their leader planned to do with the Elf.

Quaraun wondered how far the illusion spread. Was the forest even real? Well, one thing was for sure. If the chains were illusions, they were damn good ones. The Phooka was right, Quaraun wasn't going anywhere.

"What do you want from me?" Quaraun asked Unicorn, assuming this to be their leader, based on how the others seemed to obey his every command. 

"The truth," the Phooka sounded very grave and menacing now.

"I don't understand?"

"Who is ya an why is ya here?"

"I have told you already." 

"No. Ya told me ya were a merchant"

"I am." 

"And a traveller.”

“That is the truth."

"Off to see the world." 

"That is what I am doing."

"I wish I coulds see the world."

"All you have to do is leave this place and travel."

"How will travel help me see the world, eh?"

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"I don't understand, your question," Quaraun said, confused by the Phooka’s words.

"Yis a stupid Elf. Yis young. The world is you's to see." The Phooka shook his head as he moved closer to the Elf. "And ya said came here, to me, in me Forest of No Return, by use of a map!"

"I did."

"Ya lie!"

"I am not lying to you." 

"Yis a Thullid wizard." 

Quaraun did not respond to this. He wasn't sure what to say. He looked away from the Phooka not wanting to meet it's dark searching eyes.

"Stupid Thullid spawnling of an Elf. Answer me, Elf. Is ya or is ya not a wizard?"

"Yes, that is also true," Quaraun admitted. "How did you know I am a wizard?" 

"Because when ya walked in, ya looked right at me. Ya saw me in the crowd. No one ever sees me. Ya had no reason to look me way. Ya sensed I twere there. When we spoke to ya, ya heard me, ya answered me. No one ever hears me. They hear a whisper on the wind. I am powerful. Feared among Phookas. Me illusions is strong. No normal person would has seen me. I am invisible to all save a few. We can not be seen by the normal mortal eye. And no normal wizard would has seen me either. 'tis a good disguise that ya wears."

"Disguise? I wear no disguise."

The Phooka slithered up close to Quaraun, pressing his warm body against Quaraun's thin frame and fingered the shimmering pink cape. Unicorn ran its hands up and down the slippery silky material of Quaraun's robes. Quaraun could feel the creature's warm body against his, smell the intoxicating scent of its mossy woodsy pine, anise, and clove scented flesh, hear its racing heartbeat. Quaraun suddenly found himself feeling attracted to this dark creature.

"Oh? Ain't it? So no disguise here, eh? Ya dressed like a saloon prostitute, not a wizard." 

The Phooka ran his finger around the outline of first one embroidered heart and then another. then pressing his lips to the Moon Elf's ear, whispered: 

"Nothing meant to deceive folks into think yis just an ordinary Elf travelling on his merry little way, eh? Do ya know why we grabbed you kiwis back there? Because we tweren't sure if ya twere a man or a woman. Tis a wickit fine disguise, always hard to tell male Elves to begin with, they is all so thin an wiry, with pretty hairless bodies, smooth never need to shave faces. Can usually tell by the way they dress. But ya? Ya dress likes a woman, but ya smell likes a man. Strong sense of smell we Phookas has, we can pick up on you sexual desires, by the change of you smell. Which is why I decided not to let ya leave. Here yis, anyone would look at ya an see a bonny little female Elf, tripping an skipping, happily along on her merry little way, as bonny little female Elves does, all fancy, dancy, in you pretty pink frills."

The Phooka reached into Quaraun's skirts and began squeezing and massaging his balls again.

"But ya likes that doncht ya? And ya not trying to stop me neither. Just like ya never stopped the BoomFuzzy from doing it to ya. Ya be an Elf what likes be'an fondled. Oh goody goody gumdrops! Oh,  I likes ya. Ha ha!”

“Please stop touching me.”

“Yis a male wizard, disguised as a female prostitute.”

“This is not a disguise. This is how I dress. Always. Every day. I like pink. I like ruffles. I like glitter. I like feathers. And dresses are more comfortable then pants.”

“Not a disguise. No? Yis packing more atween you legs then a woman does. To the world yis nothing more than a bonny female Elf, off the see the world. No one would suspect one dressit so fancy, so pink, so daintily, so colourfully feminine of be'an an evil male Necromancer, now would they? Hmm?"

The Phooka released his grasp on Quaraun and stepped back away from from the Elf, to look him squarely in the eye.

"That is what yis, ain't it, Stranger? Yis a Necromancer. Only a Necromancer possesses a dark enough heart to see through me Phookan magic an see me as we really am."

The Phooka jumped forward again and was now nose to nose with Quaraun once again. Looking deep into Quaraun's pale icy blue, pink pupiled eyes, searching for the truth behind the illusion.

"But we see no illusion here," Unicorn continued. He hugged Quaraun, pressing his body tight against him, while moving cheek to cheek with the Elf and whispered in his long pointed ear: "Yis what ya seem to be. A strange looking male Elf dressit in wickit funny looking pink female clothes. Tell me the truth Strange One, is ya a Necromancer?"

"Yes, I am a Necromancer," Quaraun admitted reluctantly. He saw no reason to lie at this point. The Phooka had already found him out, it was pointless to try to hide the truth from him.

"Oh, goody! Yis who I thought ya twere. Yis the Pink Necromancer. I has heard so much of ya. Oh what a delight. I has gone captured the Pink Necromancer. Of all the Elves I could have caught." 

The Phooka jumped back, much to Quaraun's relief, for he'd rather the Phooka not be aware of how excited the embrace had made him. 

The Phooka was now clapping his hands and dancing around the crumbling remains of the ruin's room, positively giddy with delight. Quaraun watched the creature, there wasn't much else he could do.

“Faeries are crazy,” Quaraun muttered.

"Oh, we does has a treat does we not!" Unicorn shrieked insanely. "Oh joy an rapture! We has gone an has got ourselves the Pink Necromancer! Such a delight this is! Yis an evil wizard, oh we will has fun now!"

The Phooka stood beside Quaraun again, this time rubbing his clawed hand over the Moon Elf's chest, stopping to pinch his hard nipples through the thin pink silk. 

"It be been so long since we gone an captured an Elf. But oh me dear dying Moses, it been ever so wickit long since we last captured a wizard. And such a horny one. Hard devils to catch. It be a two for one prize. We loves it. How come for did ya not say ya twere a wizard in the first place?"

"No reason to was there? I am not a wizard for hire. I am in a strange town. Which apparently isn’t real and wasn’t here this morning. It is never wise to introduce oneself as a wizard in a place unknown. Not every town is welcoming to wizards, there are many who'd kill a wizard on sight, thanks to the Guild, and there are also many who would take advantage of a wizard should they discover one was nearby. Blackmailing wizards is a common hobby for many. Get us to do their dirty deeds under threat of being turned over to the Guild if we don’t. Wizards tend to be wealthy or have wealthy friends or know where to find lost treasures. I have a pet dragon. Once people find out who I am, first thing they think: ‘Oh, you’re the wizard with a dragon, got you a dragon’s hoard of gold.’ And start plotting to take it. It's become a desperate problem of late, what with the way poverty is spreading among Humans. Do you not keep up illusions to protect your own safety? Why then should I not do the same?"

"Well put. How come for then dids ya introduce youself as a travelling merchant? How come for a merchant, why not a priest or a tailor? Is not the Pink Necromancer also both a priest and a tailor? We assume ya made this get-up yis wearing, 'tis very well done, we congratulate ya on you skill. I remembers ya usit sew, I sees ya still does. Ya were’ne quite so pink last time I saws ya though. The garish make-up, the dozens of ear-rings is also new, as it the nose rings, all the chais between the two… and look at those jewel encrusted gold claws yis wearing? Ya did no used to wear those? And is not a Necromancer svá dark priest? How come for travelling merchant, eh?" 

"Because I am a travelling merchant, I just also happen to be a fleshwarper as well. And my father cut the ends of my fingers off, the gold claws protect my hands from further damage."

"Ah, yes. I remember. Ya poor fingers. Bleed for days. Yar father was cruel. It good him dead. But, Ooh! A fleshwarper? Yis a fleshwarper now?" 

The Phooka settled back down on the ground in front of Quaraun once again, resting his chin on his hands. 

"I is intrigued, the Elf Eater twere a fleshwarper. Ya learned that from him. Yis a deviant one ain't ya? Do tells me of more." 

Quaraun dropped his eyes to the ground, he was not proud of what he had become, nor was he overjoyed to talk about it.

"Ooh, we does get the sense that yis not all that evil an Elf is ya? A reluctant Necromancer? A reluctant fleshwarper? There can'na be too many of those around, now can there? Is that what we has here? A Necromantic Elf, seeking Lichdom gainst his will? Oh goody goody gumdrops! Oh,  my! Can it truly be? Haha!"

"I said nothing about Liches," Quaraun said, puzzled at the Phooka's mention of Lichdom.

"No, ya did no, did ya? What other reason is there to ah'comin' a fleshwarper, if not to ultimately warp one's own flesh in a ritual to make youself a Lich?"

The Phooka stood up once again, and turned to address his people.

"Do ya has any idea who we has captured? Oh, wonders! Oh, what a joyful day this turned out be." The dark eyed Fae began to clap his hands giddily and dance around Quaraun again. 

"Oh goody goody gumdrops! Oh, , my goodness what a delight!"

He turned back to Quaraun, once again giving him a full body bear hug. 

"Tell me Elf, has ya a name?" He purred into Quaraun's ear. "Yis the famous idiot, ain't ya? I knews ya twere. Ya changed since I last sees ya. Ya hair is several feet longer then it usit be an ya clothes they is changed. Ya usit wears blue. Slippery, silken, silvery blue."

"What good does my name do at this point. You've already proved I can not escape. Phookas eat their prisoners. What need have you to know the name of your next meal?"

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"I might not eat ya if I likes you name. Ya might be...well be somebody I...er...know....or knew...knew rather wells once. Oh my. Ya see there once twere an Elf, who knew powerful magic, an hims always used his magic for good deeds, but one day a Necromancer came to the little Elf an tricked him into build thirteen wickit powerful magic items...”

“The thirteen genie bottles, used as phylacteries for the Lich Lords. I helped build the Lich Lords.”

“The Necromancer lied to him. Poor stupid little retarded Elf did not has him brain screwed in right.”

“I’m not retarded. Most Elves don’t even know how to read or write. It takes intelligence to become a wizard. Seventy years of my life was spent with the DiJinn learning magic, reading thousands of books in hundreds of languages. I can fluently speak, read, and write practically every single language on this planet. Which is more then I can say for you. Your Elvish is… horrific. Of course, it takes intelligence to learn Elvish. Every one always makes me speak them in their language. You’re just about the only none Elf I’ve ever met who took the trouble to speak to me in my own language, no matter how bad you’re slaughtering, it to hear someone other then myself speak it once in a while.” 

“I spent decades learning ya language, sos I could talk to ya.”

“Do you always speak to your meals?”

“Only ones with JellyFish in their heads.”

“Are you are Thullid worshiping cultists?”

“Aye. And I be looking for a long lost Elf. A JellyFish from outer space done gone decided to live in his head and eat most of his brain. Poor little Elf, only born with half a brain to begin with, went absolutely insane, but what else would one do, if him had a JellyFish in hims head, eating hims brain. And then him went an built those phylacteries. Tisk. Tisk. The Elf did no know what hims were going to use them for. And when hims found out the carnage that hims had inadvertently caused, hims coulds no live with himself an hims went insane.”

“I’m not insane. Is that how you kill your meals? By talking them to death?”

“Aye. I is lonely Phooka. Talk to me prisoners before me eats them.”

“Phookas eat their prisoners," Quaraun muttered to himself, while looking around and trying to see if he had overlooked any way out of his predicament. 

Unicorn nodded. 

"Aye, this is true." 

“Have ya resided to give up so quickly? Ya see I twould hate to eat an Insane, half brained, JellyFish infested Elf with so much to live for." 

“Fine. You know who I am. Lovely. So doesn’t half the planet. I can’t go any where without every one knowing who I am.”

"You've done what other Fae were unable to do, you tricked me and caught me, you built an illusion that I did not detect, I usually do, and you are holding me in chains I lack the power to break. Chains which I doubt are anything more than pine needles. You are a very powerful illusionist, by far the most powerful Fae I've ever encountered, you are clearly more powerful than me. I see no way of escaping your grasp now that you've caught me..." 

"And so ya give up," Unicorn pouted, then kissed Quaraun on the check. "Such a pity. Ya would make a worthy opponent... or ally." 

"Ally?" Now Quaraun looked the creature in the eye, seeking the truth. "Why would an Elf accept allegiance to a Faerie of any type, let alone anything as vile as a Phooka?" 

"There be that High Elf superiority arrogance agains. It be gonna get ya killed someday. How come for would an Elf ah'comin' anything as vile as a fleshwarper? The evillest of evils, vilest of viles, blackest of blacks, darkest of dark magics. So abhorred that even other evil, vile, black hearted Necromancers fear to dabble in it?"

Quaraun closed his eyes and tried to ignore the closeness of the Dark Fae's warm body pressing hard against his own. The Phooka slid his hands up Quaraun's chest and down his arms as he spoke, with his lips brushing against the Moon Elf's face. The creature's hair smelt of cotton candy, cloves, anise, and gingerbread, a scent familiar to the Elf. The scent of his long dead lover, the candy maker named BoomFuzzy, who had lived in a gingerbread house. It was the smell of the Phooka that was exciting Quaraun.

“Could you please not be so close to me?”

“Does it bother ya?”

“Yes. I don’t like being touched. And your… your...”

“Practically pushing me cock up inside of ya?”

“Yes.” 

“Is ya sure ya really wants me to stop?”

“Yes.”

“Ya lie. I knows ya lie. Ya hard cock pressing again me belly, tells ya is quite enjoying where my cock is right now.”

“Could you please stop touching me.”

The Phooka stepped back a few feet and ceased touching Quaraun for a few moments.

“I wonder if I has any candy canes around here?”

“Why do you keep changing subjects?”

“Did I?”

“You’re talking about candy canes now. A minute ago you were talking about fucking me.”

“Ah. Yes. I the confusion. No. I still talking about fucking ya. No better way to fuck an Elf then to ram candy canes up it’s ass.” He paused and glanced at Quaraun’s crotch. “Or it’s dick. Oh my, that’d be so painful. Getting a stick of candy up ya dick to begin with, that alone gonna hurt, just the size difference, but the tingllyies as the mint oil melt off the candy and hits yar flesh. Gonna burn like hell. Quaraun loved it though. He and BoomFuzzy got trapped in a gingerbread house together, during a blizzard. Months alone. Pretty little Elf and sick perverted candy-maker. I used to paint me Elf with chocolate and ram candy canes up hims ass. He loved it.”

“You are not putting a candy cane up my ass or my dick.”

“Ha ha haa! That’s what ya t’inks. Tied up ya can’na do a t’ing to stop me from putting anything I want in any place it fits… or not. Does no nessicarily needs to fit. Can get it in wither it fits or not. Is ya still uncircumcised?”

“What? Why?”

“Can ya imagine all those lovely sensitive nerves in ya foreskin, irritated by peppermint oil?”

“You’re crazy.”

“Aye. And ya is horny.”

The Phooka stood on Quaraun’s feet again, once again pressing his body tight against the Elf’s.

“How long can you go on like this, I wonder?”

“Like what?”

“Me making ya have an erection, not letting ya cum, leaving ya hanging in a tree while I fondle ya privates and ya can’na do anything to stop me, bringing ya almost to release, then stopping and waiting for ya to go flaccid again, than doing it all over again. Sooner or later, ya is bound to start begging me to let ya cum.”

“No I won’t.”

“No?”

“No.”

“Ya sure?”

“Positive.”

“Really?”

“I am both an Elf and a wizard of the DiJinn Order. We Elves aren’t prone to having sex often to begin with and I took a vow of celibacy. I’m a priest for the Sacred Pink JellyFish. Sex is not a part of my life.”

“Aye, but ya only able to do it, by being a hermit and avoiding any t’ings that might excite ya.” 

The Phooka reached down and squeezed Quaraun’s testicles as hard as he could, twisting as he squeezed.  The poor Elf let out a cry of pain, then grit his teeth and tried not to scream. He also did something the Phooka did not expect, as he pushed his hips forward, as though begging for more. The Phooka let go and watched the Elf squirm as he held in his scream.

“That a fascinating reaction. Most men pull away, not push forward. Ya liked that.”

Quaraun didn’t answer. Part of him was wanting to curl up and die after the way the Phooka had just roughly handled him, and the other half of him was wishing the Phooka would grab him like that again.

“Sooner or later, ya gonna need to cum. By the way ya balls is swollen up right now, my guess is sooner.”

Quaraun closed his eyes and said nothing. He was too focused on the throbbing pain in his scrotum to listen to the Phooka any more.

"Yis not saying a word I saying is ya? Elves who just love their flowers an trees an sunshine an cute fuzzy wuzzy fluffy bunnies. We hates fuzzy wuzzy fluffy bunnies unless theys be made of marshy mallows an wes can eats them. Elves shun the dark arts. Elves abhor Necromancy, an shrink from those attempting to seek Lichdom, especially the fleshwarpers, those who seek Lichdom by faster means. Dids I mention the Elf Eater twere a fleshwarper? I know a thing or two aboot necromancy. How does an Elf seek to ah'comin' a Lich?" 

First edition short story cover art of 2009

(the original 13 page short story that appeared on fanfiction.net)

Quaraun said nothing. He dare not speak. He suspected there was more to this Phooka than Unicorn was letting be known. The mention of Liches frightened him. But in spite of that Quaraun put the thought aside for right now, his only thoughts at this moment was how much he was enjoying feel of the Phooka's body pressing tightly against his own. It had been decades since he'd last felt the warmth of another living body against his own. He hadn't realized how much he missed BoomFuzzy, or how much BoomFuzzy's scent aroused him, until this creature that smelled like BoomFuzzy began touching him.

"Aye an yis no desiren to talk aboot is we, eh? Poor pitiful Elf, forced gainst hims will to ah'comin' a Necromancer, because hims is driven to ah'comin' a Lich? Ha! Not many Elves seek Lichdom these days. Ha! Not many Elves around these days. They is dying out. Elves is soon as rare as Phookas, they be. Even we Phookas ain't so foolish enough that we twould try to live forever. Well...most of us. Oooh, but we has other thoughts on our mind, now does we not, Elf? Eh? Yis horny. Ooohh! We likes ya, Elf."

“Ya ain’t gonna talk to me no more are ya?”

Quaraun continued to say nothing.

“Too much pain or too much excitement?”

Unicorn took hold of the Elf’s balls again, gently this time, rolling them lightly between his fingers to watch Quaraun’s reaction. Quaraun moaned and whimpered with excitement and pushed against the Phooka’s hand. Unicorn let go again.

The Phooka stood on the Elf’s toes again, hugging Quaraun, putting his nose against Quaraun’s waiting for the Elf to open his eyes again. Unicorn, was realizing how excited Quaraun had become by his touch, pressed harder against him. Quaraun gasped and opened his eyes again. The Phooka's erection pressed against his own like a log. The Phooka laughed and kissed Quaraun on the lips.

"Ya still like BoomFuzzy. Ya always did. Little sexless Elf gone hides from all sexual t’ings, but never could resist BoomFuzzy. Before this night is through, ya shall share me bed likes a woman," the Dark Faerie whispered into the Elf's ear.

"No, I won't,” Quaraun said while tring to catch his breath.

"Oh, yes, ya will. Ya will, and ya wills enjoy it, because ya never could resist BoomFuzzy." 

The Phooka slid his hand down Quaraun's chest, stopping to twist his nipples.

“You're not BoomFuzzy,” Quaraun said, trying to ignore the sensations he was trying desperately not to enjoy.

“Is ya certain of that?”

“You're a Phooka. A trickster.”

“Aye. As twere ya BoomFuzzy.”

“Please stop touching me.”

"Yis enjoying it."

"No, I'm not," Quaraun lied.

“No? I knows ya Elf. Anyone else twere touching ya like this and ya'd have pulled ya Rainbow Wand on them by now. Blewn up thems heid. Not me. Not BoomFuzzy. Ya just gonna stand there and let me touch ya, like ya always did.”

“Please let me go.”

“Ya likes having ya balls slapped around.”

“No I don’t.” This was a lie too. Quaraun most certainly did.

“Yes ya does. I saw it in ya face just then when I grabbed ya. That were no scream of pain ya were holding in, that were a scream of absolute ecstatic delight. Yis were in pure ecstasy just then. Ya like having ya balls played with. Not a lot of men like that. Most shy away from it. Start twisting a man’s balls he clamps his legs together and tried to ya hands off, not throws his legs apart and pushes his hips forward begging for more the way ya just did there. Oh, my, what a wonderful discovery we have just made.”

“Please let me go. I did not mean to disturb you.”

“Ya will stay and continue to enjoy be'an in me presence.”

"No, I won't.”

“No ya will’na stay? Or no ya will’na continue to enjoy it?”

“Just let me go.”

"Yis mine now, Elf. Ya can'na tell me what ya will and will no do, and ya can'na hide what ya does wickit much enjoy."

"No. I will leave and you will do nothing."

Unicorn ignored this and laughed. 

“I is a Unicorn and I gots me a sexually repressed virgin Elf tied to a tree and I just discovered he likes having his balls man handled. Ya really t’inks I gonna let ya go now that I know that? Oooh I can has so much fun with ya. I ain’t ever letting ya outta here. And forget the candy canes up ya peehole, I need to find me some rope and weights. I wonder how much I can tie to ya balls before ya really start screaming.”

 The rest of this novel can be read here.

Do You Read Banned Books?
Want To Read The First Ever
Book Banned By
The United States Government?

Volume 1: The Night of The Screaming Unicorn

Wounded, depressed, and on the run, the Pink Necromancer heads home for Inuvijk, Quebec planning to kill himself upon arriving back at the location of his lover's death, 300 years prior. Sidetracked when the Forest of No Return grows up around him and cuts off his path, Quaraun sidetracks to the coast to by-pass the sentient forest. But a hurricane crashing up the Maine coast sends him fleeing for shelter at an enchanted tavern which suddenly appears out of no where. 

Too late Quaraun realizes he's walked into a trap set by an evil Faerie and must survive a night with a sex crazed undead unicorn: The Elf Eater of Pepper Valley himself, King Gwallmaiic, leader of the Lich Lords.

Read Sample Chapters Free Online:

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The Elf Eater's Map

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*Captured By The Lich Lord  (NSFW | 18+)

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BedTime Stories For A Lich: ZooLock & The Pixie

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An Elf and a Lich in the Gingerbread Pit

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The Lich's True Form Revealed 

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Want to see the location this novel is set in?
Follow me as I drive to and
take a walking tour through The Reclaim Blueberry Plains
of the Ross Forest, in
Old Orchard Beach, Maine,
The setting for
Night of The Screaming Unicorn:

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Books Set In Old Orchard Beach &
Real Life Local Ku Klux Klan Radicals
Become Elf Supremacists Moon Elf Characters
In The Quaraun Series
-Interview With EelKat
On Using Real Locations &
Real People In Fictional Novels

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Some Interesting Facts You May Not Have Known About:
The Night of The Screaming Unicorn

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It was originally published on fanfiction.net in 2003, under the title Bride of Sesshomaru. In the original version, the main characters were Lord Sesshomaru from the manga InuYasha and Flower a purple pony doll made by Hasbro in the 1981 for the My Little Pony line. The setting of the story was SpellJammer Campaign setting from Dungeons & Dragons by Gary Gygax.

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Moon Elf, Quaraun first appeared as a Dungeons & Dragons character I played with a local game group, playing him as a 3.5ed FleshWarper on a prestige path of Necromancy, ultimately to be played as the Lich Boss battle of the Temple of Resident Evil campaign our group was playing. I had been asked by our Dungeon Master if I would be willing to play an evil aligned Necromancer Elf who at the end of the campaign would turn on his group and kill the other player characters.

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The original story on fanfiction.net, featured a straight couple, the unicorn being female. (Thus the name Bride of Sesshomaru)

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Quaraun's over the top, neon pink, rhinestoned, feathered, and sequined wardrobe was based entirely off of Liberace's "Pink Peacock" costume, which he wore at his New York gala on his last Easter performance, shortly before his death.

The show consisted of Liberace jumping out of a giant pink Easter egg, followed by dozens of Vegas show girl dressed as elaborate "pink Easter bunnies", and he himself wearing a sequined pink tuxedo, and a mega sized flamboyant cape made out of rhinestone encrusted pink turkey feathers.

He was so ill at the time (this being one his very last public appearances before he died) and the cape was so heavy, that it required several people to walk behind him carrying the cape, and people to stand beside him and help him to walk under the weight of it.

The pink turkeys that frequently run through the forests of Quebec in the Quaraun series, are a direct reference to the "pink turkeys" Liberace joked had so difficult to find to make his cape out of.

Like Liberace, Quaraun has Autism.

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In The Twighlight Manor Series:  The Grand High Emperor of the Triple Planets (the person Quaraun becomes over the course of the series) first appeared in 1978, in The Twighlight Manor Series volume 1: Friends Are Forever, where he was mentioned in passing as: "Roderick's grandfather, The Grand High Emperor of the Triple Planets, the Pink Necromancer who built the Twighlight Manor".

While he never appears in The Twighlight Manor Series, he is mentioned in passing in nearly every volume.

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In The Twighlight Manor Series: Antares, the demon horse Al-Keeme keeps locked in the dungeons of the Twighlight Manor, is in fact King Gwallmaiic (BoomFuzzy The Unicorn) and it is his illusions that bring the manor house to life causing it to eat people. 

Unicorn is also Aardvorkuss Muddsburge's father and BlackBird, FireHawk, Spidar, and Harrier's grandfather.

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In The Twighlight Manor Series: Sunta, the mysterious "boy who never ages" whom Al-Keeme keeps locked in the West Wing of the Twighlight Manor, is the very ancient Quaraun, now truly insane after 400 years of solitary confinement in White Rock Asylum.

In the final volume of The Twighlight Manor series, other characters ask Sunta to tell them who he is and how he came to be locked up in the Twighlight Manor. He proceeds to tell them about the day he  was following an enchanted map, got lost in The Forest of No Return and was raped by a purple unicorn. This is of course The Night of the Screaming Unicorn and is why the Quaraun series started with this story.

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The book trailer for this novel is my most popular and most viewed YouTube video ever.

See My Most Popular YouTube Video Ever:

Captured by the Lich King
- Screaming Unicorn - Quaraun the Insane - (Spelljammer FanFiction/Yaoi Monster Porn)

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Banned by FanFiction.net November 2012, for being too sexually violent. (I fact I find odd, considering, the book is not Erotica and sex scenes are practically none existent.)

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In spite of rumors about it being Erotica and "filled with sex" there actually only one sex scene in The Night of The Screaming Unicorn, in the second to last chapter. There are two additional sex scenes "implied" following this one, though both are fade to black and the reader not told what happened.

Complaints that the story is "sexually violent" stem from the fact that throughout the novel Unicorn is constantly fondling Quaraun's cock and balls (constantly as in on nearly every single page for 300 pages of the novel), repeatedly refusing to let him cum, at one point tying the Elf to a tree then grabbing his balls, twisting and squeezing them to try to get the emotionless Elf to scream. 

The scene which seems to have bothered most critics who complained, was the vividly detailed scene describing in detail Quaraun's near castrated state, his penis being horrifically scarred by an old injury, which had resulted in his extreme difficulty in having sexual intercourse with women and thus why he plays "bottom" to other men.

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Most of the sex scenes in the series are "gay" relationships between two males, however, contrary to popular rumors spread by critics of the series, Quaraun is not gay. Quaraun is bi-sexual. He in fact is a polygamist with 4 wives and fathers 8 "legitimate" children, by his wives, over the course of the series. 

Several times the series implies that Quaraun has a harem of concubines. Also implying that while he enjoys the company of women, he rarely has sex with them, due to the "sub-incision injury" to his penis, which makes intercourse difficult and painful for him.

In Zebulon's Captive he is captured by slave traders and sold to an Elf breeder. In this novel it is said he fathers an additional 37 children, whom he later refuses to acknowledge.

While King Gwallmaiic aka BoomFuzzy the Unicorn remains his primary lover throughout the entire series, he has several additional lovers, both male and female, most notable being the Half-Elf/Half-Demon GhoulSpawn, who appears in multiple novels as Unicorn's rival for Quaraun's affection.

In later stories Unicorn and GhoulSpawn become friends and are frequent engaged in threesome sex with Quaraun.

From Zebulon's Captive onward, Quaraun is nearly always seen with 3 lovers in bed at once, when his half-Elf wife Pippiata joins Unicorn and GhoulSpawn as his favoured lovers.

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It was the first Transgender Yaoi Novel published in America to feature an accurately portrayed transvestite main character. It's American & International mass market release date being September 4, 2014.

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My top selling book ever, it sold 1,119 copies the first HOUR of it's mass market release September 4, 2014.

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83% of the sales of the 2014 American edition are sold as imports to fans in Germany and Japan.

Fewer then 5% of sales are by American readers.

France, Canada, and Brazil making up most of the remaining sales.

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Banned by the United States Government, January 4, 2016 for being "Too Gay For The Family Friendly Town of Old Orchard Beach, Maine."

State of Maine, Biddeford District Court:

Docket #BDDC-PA-2015-00574

Keeping in mind that the judge never read the book and I was never allowed to testify, as MOST of the court case was done via an "exparte order" without my knowledge to court case against me even existed until nearly a year after it started. The whole judgement being based off a murder I had no connection to, with residents of Old Orchard Beach, using as their "evidence" the phrase: "Remember Saco Shaw's all transsexuals are alike" and citing that transgender people are running around Maine killing people because there is a transvestite Necromancer in this book, their claim being that had the Quaraun series not been published the Saco Shaw's Murder would not have happened.

In the court documents, the Town of Old Orchard Beach claims that the Quaraun series is "autobiographical" because it is set in my hometown, and that because the main character, a 400 year old Elf named Quaraun, is a partly-castrated serial killing transvestite eunuch necromancer who suffers from schizophrenia, that I the straight, female author am QUOTE "a dangerous mentally unstable gay transsexual eunuch terrorist, who will kill us all" UNQUOTE.

Throughout the court papers they referenced quotes said by Quaraun (a fictional non-Human character in a fantasy novel) in this book claiming that they were quotes taken off my "About Me Page" of my website. (Thus why my About Me Page now includes my response to the court documents' allegations that I am gay, transsexual, or eunuch). Also interesting is the fact my primary accuser in these court documents (the man who drove a backhoe over my house in 2013) is also the same person who hacked my KBoards account & my website, placing his name all over both, while impersonating me online and pretending to be me throughout August to December 2015 (a time period when I was offline due to multiple surgeries & hospitalization after being beaten up by a man driving a 4-door white pick up truck). Also interestingly, is I never knew who owned the backhoe, and his name was unknown to me prior to receiving the sheriff's notice of my books being banned on January 4, 2016. Also interesting to note is in addition to owning the backhoe that drove over my house, he also owns a 4-door white pick-up truck.

Also interesting to note is that when I went to the Town Hall to ask the Town Manager & Town Counsel why they were filing these absolutely, ludicrously, ridiculous, transphobic, civil rights violating court papers to begin with, none of them were aware of the existence of the court case, and the man with the 4-door white pick up truck is now suspected (by the FBI who is investigating this "highly suspicious court case") of having filed the court case in the Town Hall's name using official USA government letterhead stolen from the Town Hall's Code Enforcement office. From 2014 to mid 2016 the court papers read "Town of Old Orchard Beach vs Wendy Christine Allen" The FBI started investigating the Town Hall June 2016. From June 2016 to October 2016 the court documents read {name removed & name removed} (name of backhoe owner & 4-5-8's sister) vs Wendy Christine Allen. Several forged documents have since been uncovered in this court case, that is now known to have been done by a local resident who not only impersonated me online, but also impersonated the Old Orchard Beach Town Hall in court.

While the man named in the documents CLAIMED to work for the town hall, calling himself "the board of zoning appeals", this has since been proven to be yet another impersonation on his part, and the only two ACTUAL government employees to ever appear in court were Old Orchard Beach CEO Dan Feeney and Old Orchard Beach Police Officer Will Watson, both of whom said they were there "on behalf of Town Manager Larry Mead as his representative". Larry Mead when questioned, denied having any knowledge of the court case at all and was shocked to discover that he himself was named in the docket as the person who filed the paperwork. Seven other Town Hall Government officials were also named as having collectively filed the paperwork with him, including my cousin; all of whom when questioned, had no knowledge there was a court case going on in their names, with them named as Plaintiffs. In court police officer Will Watson broke down on the testimony stand, claiming to be blackmailed into being there, stating that his "beloved mother-in-law" was in frail health and "they are threatening to kill her if I don't comply". If he is in fact being blackmailed and if so by who, as yet remains unknown.

And in spite of the hysterical rumours this man has been screaming all over town, there is no more evidence that the transsexual serial killer Connor MacCalister ever read my books or even knew of their existence, then there is that I am a 400 year old gay Elf wizard.

Also interesting to note is the first court papers were filed October 2014, 3 weeks after the mass market release of The Night of The Screaming Unicorn, and 1 week after the public unveiling on my latest art car The Transgender Awareness Tour Bus, and nearly a year BEFORE the Saco Shaw's murder which happened August 2015. Connor MacCalister's name was not added to the court papers until September 12, 2015, a full year AFTER the first court papers were filed.

The vandalism of my tour bus (it being filled with feces 3 feet deep) happened April 10, 2015, and the beheading of my cats happened May 2015, both happening BEFORE the August 2015 murder, in spite of the residents of Old Orchard Beach, claiming they did those things BECAUSE of the Saco Shaw's murder.

In the end 27 of my books were 

banned and unpublished 

BY A 1st Amendment violating COURT ORDER 

that was issued by

THE OLD ORCHARD BEACH TOWN HALL,

a United States Government Organization, 

making the Quaraun Series the FIRST and ONLY books in American history to ever be

BOOKS BANNED

BY THE

UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT

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Do you know who filled my motorhome with feces April 2015?

Do you know who cut my cats' heads off?

Do you know who it is Police Officer Will Watson claims is blackmailing him?

Do you know who stole the $3million in tax money from the Old Orchard Beach Town Hall bank accounts during all of this?

Do you know who built the bomb that blew up my house October 18, 2006?

Do you know who drove a backhoe over my next house on August 8, 2013?

Do you know who the driver of the 4-door white pick up tuck is, the one who beat me up, on November 14, 2013 at Southern Maine Community College, paralyzing me for 5 months, leaving me crippled for the rest of my life?

Do you know the identity of the hacker who hacked my Kboards & Twitter accounts, from a public access computer at the McAuthor Public Library in Biddeford, Maine, throughout 2015, also hacking my website and impersonating me while posting the name of the man in this court case all over the internet to make it look like I did it, even though I was offline and in the hospital dying at the time it happened?

Do you know who in the town hall is providing official government letterhead from the Code Enforcement Office, for this and other (yes, several others) fraudulent court cases filed by the Old Orchard Beach Town Hall against the LGBTQ citizens of our town?

If you know the answers to these questions or have any additional information about this case please contact the FBI agent in charge of the investigation:

Agent Andy Drewer

of the Portland FBI

@ 207-774-9322 

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This novel was originally written on: 2007 & 2009 & 2012

This page last updated on: April 07, 2017

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On Writing The Quaraun Series

The Complete Index To Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Moon Elf Society, But Was Afraid To Ask;

or

The Zaharam-Chapelle-Parunas  Ethnographical World Building Questionnaire

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World-Building In Bizzaro Dark High Fantasy Yaoi

1. Creating a 1400's Fantasy World For Time Traveling Wizards
2. How Your Degree Affects Your World Building
3. How would you explain your Fantasy world to a stranger?
4. In what order do you create your world?
5. Writing Maine: How To Write About Maine Life Accurately
6. The Cover Art Gallery 

Weird-Building In Bizzaro Dark High Fantasy Yaoi

1. Why is there a kitchen sink in my pocket?
2. Twerking Dragons - The Joys Of Writing with A Voice Recorder
3. The Saco River Curse
4. What The Ocean Gives Me (How Things In Your Life Affect Your Writing)

Building A Magic System In Bizzaro Dark High Fantasy Yaoi

1. Wizards vs Witches vs Sorcerers: How are they different?
2. Magic Systems and How to Build Them
   
3. Necromancy: How will resurrection affect society as a whole?
4. Spell-casting Side Effects of Magic
5. Necromancy FAQ - A Real Necromancer Compares Fantasy Necromancy With The Reality
6. Colour Magic - Gypsy Style
7. Beware of White Men In Gypsy Clothing: Fake Psychic Scams
8. Child Sacrifice in Fantasy Novels

Plotting & Writing Bizzaro Dark High Fantasy Yaoi

1. Ernest Hemingway Style of Writing Literary Fiction Used In Epic Fantasy Novels
2. Do you write a novel start-to-finish?
3. Ideas, Ideas, Ideas (Where Do You Get Them?)
4. Should I plan for ending or just keep writing?
5. NaNoWriMo Overachievers: How did you do it?
6. How Long is 50,000 Words?
7. Why Write 50,000 Words In 30 Days?
8. How long does it take to hit 1667 words?
9. Average Typing Speed

Character Creation In Bizzaro Dark High Fantasy Yaoi

1. What exactly makes an Elf an Elf? 
2. Phookas
3. Writing Medieval Servants: Their jobs
4. Writing Albinos With Medical Accuracy
5. FAQs About Quaraun
6. Transgender, Transsexual, Transvestite, or Intersex

Writing Sex In Bizzaro Dark High Fantasy Yaoi

1. How To Write Hot Sex?
2. The Amazon Adult Dungeon
3. Why Quaraun Is Not Erotica (2015 Answer)
4. Why Quaraun Is Not Erotica (2017 Answer)
5. Suicide, Rape, & Abuse 

Disabled Characters In Bizzaro Dark High Fantasy Yaoi

1. On being a handicapped CosPlayer at PortCon Maine 2017
2. Quaraun & Autism In Fantasy Novels
3. On Writing A Clinically Insane Character Accurately, While Avoiding The Psychopath Stereotype
4. Autistics Have Feelings Too & Diverse Books Rant

Drug Use In Bizzaro Dark High Fantasy Yaoi

1. Psychedelics In A 'High' High Fantasy World (High Elves Getting High)
2. High, High Elves: Elves on Opium | Drug Use 

Horror In Bizzaro Dark High Fantasy Yaoi

1. Why do Lovecraftian beings come to earth?
2. Writing Horror That Features Violence Against Children 
3. Writing Stuff That Churns Your Gut
4. Twighilight Not Twilight

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The Quaraun Series On Amazon:

I am wondering why has Amazon moved the Quaraun books to the category "Transgender Romance" and also "Gay Erotica"? The base story is a deeply depressed, suicidal, drug addict Elf who's lover commit suicide and he's trying not to do the same. It's an old Elf in a tavern, monologuing a lot of flashbacks and back story scenes of his youth. These stories are dark, bloody, angsty, full of drug use, murder, rape, Medieval torture, mental/physical/emotional abuse, and references to depression and suicide - no romance in it, unless you count the occasional (and usually brutally violent) rape scenes that show up in nearly every volume - sorry - no clue what Amazon is thinking or why they moved these to Romance and Erotica, but these books are NOT even close to being Romance or Erotica on any level at all. When I published these books I put them in "Dark Fantasy" and "Yaoi". If they show up in any category other then "Dark Fantasy" and "Yaoi", it's because Amazon put them there without my authorization or approval.

~EelKat

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Author Interviews
On Writing The Quaraun Series:

1. Question Everything Before Putting It In Your World 

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Author Interviews
On CosPlaying The Quaraun Characters:

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Author Interviews
Reacting To Old Orchard Beach's
White Power Gay Hating Over Reaction Ban
Of The Quaraun Series:

1. Question Everything Before Putting It In Your World 

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The 4 door white truck continues to sit at the end of my drive way (146 Portland Ave, Old Orchard Beach, Maine) near every night around sunset, reeving it's engine and squealing it's tires, with the driver yelling anti-gay threats and obscenities out the window. He continues to do the same thing at my dad's apartment building (Biddeford Maine) a few times a week, usually in mid to late afternoon time. He continues to follow me to shopping to various stores in various towns throughout the states.

Phrases he yells from the truck include:

"Kill or be killed remember Saco Shaws all transsexuals are alike"

"I keep a gun under the seat of my truck, I'm gonna use it to shoot you in the head, you transvestite freak"

if cars are going by he yells to them: "that thing is Ken's son, look at how's it's dressed; it's insane, it has autism, we can't allow that thing and it's gay cars in our family friend town of Old Orchard Beach"

He often babbles deranged ramblings about something he calls "the gay-pocalypse", raving lunacy about how "all the gays are gathering" on his doorstep. He raves some crazy nonsense about how Armageddon is coming and the war to end all wars will be "the gays against the Christians" and Christians have to be ready to "kill the gays"

My car is the Autism Awareness Car and had 2.5million marbles glued to it (I have Autism - savant - Kanner's syndrome) he claims tat my car "is gay" because of what it looks like. My car has been vandalized several dozen times, including to have the tires slashed 7 times in 6 months.

After dark often around 10PM, he stands at the end of the logging road across the street from me and shoots at my motohome (in February 2014 he shot holes in my neighbour's barn while doing this). I have video footage of 3 of his shootings at me here:  https://youtu.be/NUebzJ9sz9U and here: https://youtu.be/C4dZbgG-Smw

This has gone on since August 2013 now, in addition to all the vandalism, hate crimes, pet beheadings, etc that has happened, including the bomb that blew up our house in 2006.

As you know, that whole time I had not been able to get a plate number on the truck. He as just here again, and I just realized why I could not get a plate number... there are no plates on the truck, either on the front or on the back. However, as he was driving away today... I noticed, there is a plate, stuck up in the back window of the truck, where it can barely be seen, deliberately obscured from view behind a silver tool box.

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If You Like The Quaraun Series You Might Also Like:

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Writing Resources I Use When Writing The Quaraun Books:

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Seeing How "The Too Gay For Old Orchard Beach" Court Order Requires Me To Put This Notice In The Front Of The Novels,
I Assume It Also Requires I Put It In Front of Novel Excerpts Posted Online As Well, so, Here It Is... 
Enjoy The Stupidity That Is The
Town of Old Orchard Beach, Maine,
Where I Am Deemed,
In Their Words:
"Too Gay For The Family Friendly Town of Old Orchard Beach"
Because I'm The Author of The Quaraun Series.

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INTRODUCTION TO THE SERIES

The Adventures of Quaraun The Insane

(Added March 29, 2016)

by

EelKat Wendy Christine Allen

~o0o~

UPDATE: The Old Orchard Beach Town Hall has handed me a court order requiring I place a warning in my books, warning you that they have their heads stuck up their asses, I mean, warning you that this book was written by a non-white transgender author and contains non-white, LGBTQ characters, which the straight, white citizens of Old Orchard Beach find offensive because they never before took their heads out of their asses long enough to notice that there exist in this world non-white people and gay transgender men. The HORROR I have forced them to discover, when they took their heads out of their asses long enough to discover a non-white, transgender author has lived in their town since 1975!

As of January 4, 2016 ALL gay, transgender, and non-white authors, living in the white power, gay-hating town of Old Orchard Beach, Maine are now required to add a warning to the front of their books, warning readers that this book is a vile, evil, perversion of their senses because it contains non-white, minority, transgender, and or gay characters who by their very existence according to the white power, gay hating residents of the 99.9% white town of Old Orchard Beach, Maine do not deserve to live and should not be included as characters in books.

Because I am a vile, evil, non-white, transgender author who lives in Old Orchard Beach, Maine, I am now required by court order to place warning in my books, to warn readers that this book was written by a vile, evil, non-white, transgender author and there for may contain references to my vile, evil, non-white, transgender lifestyle, including to, shock, and horror, ACTUALLY CONTAIN

....

Non-white characters

oh, my, my, my, how evil of me to consider writing a book with a person of colour in it. And even worse, is the fact that...wait for it...

I've gone so far as to allow gay transvestite characters to be in my books.

How shockingly evil of me to offend the citizens of Old Orchard Beach, by including gay and transgender characters in my book. I have forced them to have to discover the horror that there exists non-white people in our town, and worse, have made them suffer the horrors of learning that LGBTQ citizens have the right to live. How evil of me. To punish me for the publication of the book you are now reading, they filled my home with sewage 3 feet deep and cut the heads off of my cats, drove a backhoe over my house, then beat me up and left me paralyzed for 5 months, during which time they hacked my online accounts of Kboards, NaNoWriMo, Twitter and other places and impersonated me, posting lots of shitty crap to try to discredit me and destroy my reputation. If you are one of my long time readers and followers, you no dought saw what transpired on KBoards and NaNoWriMo (I did not see it and still do not know what happened, seeing how I was in the hospital dying, while the hacker was taking over my accounts online.)

18 months later I am out of the wheelchair, relearning to walk and still refusing to unpublish my evil books containing non-white gay men and so now they have gotten a court order demanding the warning you are now reading, be placed in this book, because the Old Orchard Beach Town Hall (the plaintiff named on the court order – YES – an actual United States Government Organization has issued this civil rights violating court order, in blatant disregard to federal laws) believes that non-whites and gays and transgender citizens are so evil that they QUOTE “ought to be shot in the head” UNQUOTE.

The book you are now holding contains non-white characters, of the same vile, evil non-white race as the non-white author who wrote this book and because I am not white and have chosen to include non-white characters in this book, I am now required by court order to warn my non-white readers that this book was written by evil, vile non-white me and contains evil, vile non-white characters that will offend your holier then though piece of shit white asses. There, I am now in compliance with the white power, gay hating town of Old Orchard Beach's, civil rights violating court order. White trash has now been warned that non-white trash exists in this book.

The book you are now holding contains LGBTQ characters, of the same vile, evil LGBTQ existence as the LGBTQ who wrote this book and because I am LGBTQ and have chosen to include LGBTQ characters in this book, I am now required by court order to warn my LGBTQ readers that this book was written by evil, vile LGBTQ me and contains evil, vile LGBTQ characters that will offend your holier then though piece of shit straight asses. There, I am now in compliance with the white power, gay hating town of Old Orchard Beach's, civil rights violating court order. Straight trash has now been warned that non-straight trash exists in this book.

If you have any questions regarding this court order which violates the civil rights of people of colour, minority races, and LGBTQ citizens, please head to the State of Maine, Biddeford District Court and ask for copies of

Docket #BDDC-PA-2015-00574 and CV-15-58/CV-15-59

the Alfred Superior Court Docket #CV-15-299

and the Portland Superior Law Court Docket #YOR-15-253

Additionally, you can find more information by going to the Old Orchard Beach Police Department and requesting copies of ALL police reports made in regards to 144, 146, and 146a Portland Avenue, from 2001 to 2016 (approximately 300 reports).

Note, that the court order includes 4 interesting facts:

1: It states that transgender people in Old Orchard Beach are not allowed to own cats; the Town Manager confiscated my cats on this basis (the judge granted this). 140 families in Old Orchard Beach had a grand total of more then 500 cats taken from them via this court order.  Many of those cats are being returned to their owners, one head nailed to their door at a time.

2: It states that transgender vehicles are not allowed in the town of Old Orchard Beach and specifically that The Transgender Awareness Tour Bus be removed from the "perimeters of the family friendly town of Old Orchard Beach" (the judge denied this)

3: It states that transgender authors, not be allowed to publish books featuring transgender characters, and contains a list of books, deemed "Too gay for Old Orchard Beach" that the Town Hall requested be removed from publication. The judge ordered the removal and unpublication of 27 of my books, and that the rest have this warning placed in them.

4: That LGBTQ, non-white, non-Christians, and Muslims, not be allowed to set foot in Old Orchard Beach (with one motel owner in particular claiming his right to confiscate the homes, property, and business of some 140 families in Old Orchard Beach, by right of his desire to put condominiums on each of their properties. Interestingly, this is the same man who drove a backhoe over my house in 2013.) Part of this was passed, with the judge ordering LGBTQ families not allowed to set foot in their own homes (not rentals or apartments - houses they owned outright and owed no taxes or mortgages on, with 140 families be forced out of their homes on January 4, 2016. He dropped the request to confiscate homes of LGBTQ citizens when FBI Agent Andy Drewer Arrived to investigate him and the 5 businesses he owns, for his connection to the bomb that blew up my house in 2006.) Three court houses later a different judge overruled the first judge's civil rights violating order, with LGBTQ citizens being allowed to go home October 18, 2016, after 10 months of living in their cars.

Want to know the names, phone numbers, business locations, and home addresses of all the cat murdering, transphobic, gay-hating, white powered people who are trying to ban all LGBTQ and non-white citizens from Old Orchard Beach? Then go to those 3 court houses and request to get copies of all 700 pages of The Too Gay For Old Orchard Beach Court Case of Old Orchard Beach vs Wendy Christine Allen. 

All names and contact information of all the white power, gay hating  town hall officials, police officers, public works workers, motels, businesses, motel owners, business owners, and the KKK's own lawyers, behind this introduction now required to being added to books containing gay or non-white characters can be found in those court orders and police reports, here after collectively known as “The Too Gay For Old Orchard Beach Court Case” or #TooGayForOOB for short.

In those court dockets you will find more then 700 pages of utterly fascinating civil rights violating, animal abusing, hate crime glorifying, anti-gay, white power, transphobic lunacy. I highly recommend you get copies of those court dockets and see for yourself, the REALITY of how utterly insane the gay hating, white power mentality of Old Orchard Beach, really is. 

Or if you want to meet me at Staples, and are willing to pay however much it costs to have 700 pages of copies made, you can get copies made of my copy of the court order.

Happy reading.

Welcome to Maine, where love wins, everywhere, except in the white power, gay-hating town of Old Orchard Beach. TIP: If you are looking for a great fun summer family vacation spot this summer: avoid the transphobic, animal abusing, gay hating, white power town of Old Orchard Beach. This town is only family friendly, IF your family qualifies as a “real family” which to them means: you are white, Christian, and have no connections to LGBTQ people whatsoever. Save your hard earned money and DO NOT come to Old Orchard Beach this summer. Don't bother wasting your hard earned money on the transphobic, animal abusing, gay hating, white power trash that thinks it's okay to discriminate against people based on race, gender, religion, or colour.

There. Now I am in compliance with the court order and you, my dear reader have been warned that this book was written by evil, vile, perverted non-white, non-straight little old me and contains non-white, gay, transvestite characters. Can I ask: Have you EVER seen a book ANYWHERE that the author's town required the author to place a warning in the book, for ANY reason? Can anyone say RIDICULOUS? Yes, the town of Old Orchard Beach is being utterly ridiculous. I think they forgot that Old Orchard Beach is a town in America and not it's own country.

So, if you are a transphobic, gay-hating, white power person who is offended by the existence of transvestites, gays, non-Christians, people of colour, and other things that tick off white power mentalities, then you probably want to avoid these books.

For everybody else who isn't a white power, transphobic, gay-hating jerk with their head stuck up their own white, Christian ass: I hope you enjoy reading these books as much as I have enjoyed writing them. And for those of you who don't enjoy this sort of book, well, enjoy those knee-jerks, I'm told you guys should be expecting quite a few of them.

~EK

End of introduction.

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