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~o0o~ Chapter ~o0o~
“This world is dying,” Quaraun said to Unicorn.
“How ya tell?”
“There's no birds in the sky.”
“It night time. Any birds out now would be owls un ya never not see dem.”
Quaraun sat up.
“No. I mean, we've been here for days now and I've not seen or heard one single bird. No butterflies either...”
“Well, Ghouly will be thankful for dat., eh?"
“I didn't mean to turn those butterflies into killer goldfish.”
“Aye, just like ya dids no mean to send dem to terrorize de Sun Elves.”
“No! I didn't.”
“Tell that to Ghouly.”
Quaraun laid back down, thinking about GhoulSpawn. GhoulSpawn was a half-Elf whom had lived with the Sun Elves. He was not accepted into their community due to his sin of being born a half breed, and had struggled most of his life to be accepted as part of the Sun Elf society. When the Sun Elves had fallen under attack, GhoulSpawn was one of the few to escape death. Now, like Quaraun, the half Sun Elf wandered the world alone in search of something, he didn't know what, to make himself feel connected to a community.
“Poor GhoulSpawn,” Quaraun said. “I wonder where he got to?”
“Some place far as him could gets from ya, no doubt.”
“I didn’t know what HellBorne was gonna do to him.”
“Well, for all we know him Thullid by now.”
“Poor, GhoulSpawn. I miss him.”
GhoulSpawn had fallen in with bad company, however and had taken up the position of HellBorne's apprentice. HellBorne was an evil half-Elf Demonologist who had built 7 black towers, in preparation for calling up ancient Chaotic evil undergods. GhoulSpawn had helped HellBorne to open up portals all over the planet. Portals to alternate dimensions through time and space. It was why Quaraun and Unicorn now frequently found themselves sucked out of their proper time and place or past or future times or sometimes to other planets.
The fact that Black Tower did not exist in this future, troubled Quaraun greatly. He should have been able to find Black Tower, use it to open a portal, and get them back home. Without Black Tower, Quaraun didn't know how to open a portal. He knew nothing of portals and time travel, so opening portals at random, was not something he was capable of.
Finding Black Tower, HellBorne's central tower that controlled the portals, was the only way Quaraun knew to get back to his own time. Quaraun and Unicorn had defeated HellBorne before he was able to finish resurrecting the ancient evil on the planet, but unfortunately the portals had been left open and without HellBorne, no one knew how to control them properly, resulting in the unstable portals opening up at random and zapping unwilling people to times and places not their own.
HellBorne was long since dead, but his apprentice, GhoulSpawn was still around and Quaraun and Unicorn ran into him more times then they were happy about. Trouble seemed to follow GhoulSpawn with a capital T. Or more accurately, chaos, with a capital C. GhoulSpawn was a Chaos wizard. Chaos ensured whenever he was around.
“Do you suppose,” Quaraun asked Unicorn. “He’s still alive somewhere in this future?”
“We come awfully far into future.”
“But what if he is still alive?”
“What if him is?”
“We could find him.”
“Why would we be wanting to do dat?”
“He specializes in Chaos magic and portals. He knows how to open portals. He could open a portal and get us back home.”
“Ya trust him to do dat?”
"Why wouldn't I?"
"Damned pickpocket thief, steals anyt'ing not nailed down."
“I know he’s a criminal, but so are we. And he’s helped us before.”
“Aye, after him make de mess to begin wid.”
“Well, I wish he was here right now. He’d know how to get us back to our own time. Time travel is his speciality you know.”
“Aye. Un We know dat if him still alive, den him Thullid by now, un ya should no be making wishes.”
GhoulSpawn the Crazed, like Quaraun, had also been attacked by Thullids and like Quaraun, had had a Thullid larvae implanted in his brain. But something had gone wrong with the implant process and GhoulSpawn was fast losing his mind.
Or so everyone said.
No one but Quaraun and Unicorn believed the poor half-Elf when he told people there was an alien Jellyfish living in his head, eating his brain. While Unicorn was quite content to never see GhoulSpawn again, Quaraun enjoyed having another Elf around, and the poor outcast half-Elf was himself always overjoyed to find their company as they were the only people who even remotely tolerated him these days. No one, not even his endless supply of other husbands’ wives would have anything to do with him, since his part in helping HellBorne try to destroy the planet.
Several hours passed, with Quaraun and Unicorn silent. Neither Elves nor Undead things had need for sleep, but, travelling in the dark, in unfamiliar territory, was ill advised, so the two settled down to rest until morning.
Quaraun stared up at the sky, silently thinking about all the times GhoulSpawn had randomly fallen out of the sky and landed at his feet.
“I hope we see him again.”
“Ya still going on about him?”
“Yes. I still think he could get us out of here.”
“We bet him hopes him never sees ya again.”
“Yar pelted him wid raining goldfish.”
“The goldfish were an accident.”
“Do no tell me. Tell Ghouly. Him de one what on run from them.”
“Someone's eating the moon,” Quaraun said very gravely.
“What ya gibbering on about for now?”
“The birds and butterflies, they've already left.”
“Left? Eh? Where'd they go?”
“We shouldn't be here.”
“Of course we shouldn’na be here. Dis no our time.”
“Something is very wrong with this place.”
“Dair be war going on.”
“No. Not that. Something else. Something big. Something bad happened here. The animals are leaving the planet. They know not to stay. I know. It happened before. On my planet. We saw it happen and we didn't believe it. The sun kept getting brighter and brighter. Closer and closer. And then all the water disappeared. Oceans dried up over night. Trees burst into flames. Mountains melted. The land turned to molten lava. Rivers of magma. And only days before it was lush and green. Trees and flowers and so much beautiful blue water. Our sun died. It blew up and melted our planet. So few escaped. We saw the signs and we ignored them. And it's happening here. It's happening now. This world, this planet, it too is dying. The moon is crashing. We have to get out of here. We are at the end of time for this planet, we need to get back to our own time, before it's too late. I don't want to die here.”
“De Lich theory ya talk of before?”
“Quaraun. Calm ya titties down. De planet is no turning to Lich. We find way out. We go back home. Ya see.”
Several days had passed since they had escaped from the Human army, and nothing eventful happened in that time as Quaraun and Unicorn wandered in search of a way back home. Every day Quaraun became more and more paranoid that the world was about to end, and frantically fretted over the lack of animal life. Other then this, nothing happened.
Is wasn't until a week after their escape from the soldiers that something finally happened to break up the monotony of nothing happening at all, and allowing Quaraun to think about something other then morbid thoughts of impending doom. They were walking down a little used dirt path when a BOOM sounded in the sky above them, followed by a bight flash of light.
“A portal just opened up...” Quaraun started to say.
A familiar voice came screaming down from the clouds.
Quaraun stopped walking.
"Unicorn, tell me that wasn't GhoulSpawn falling out of the sky again."
Unicorn looked back behind them at the phosphorescent Sun Elf laying sprawled on his back on the ground in the middle of the road.
"That was'na GhoulSpawn falling out o sky again."
Quaraun glared at Unicorn, then spun around to see the teenaged half-Elf with long unnaturally neon day glow phosphorescent yellow hair, getting up, brushing his green velvet Coat of Many Pockets off and looking around with a dazed look on his face. For a few moments he stared up at the clouds he had just fallen out of, waiting for a herd of pink goldfish to come pouring down on him. When he was certain there was nothing coming through the portal after him, he looked around to see where he was and lit up joyfully when he saw Quaraun and Unicorn.
"Quaraun!" GhoulSpawn cried out happily.
"GhoulSpawn," Quaraun said dryly.
"How good to see you!" The half-Elf glomped the Elf. “I have missed you.”
“Stop hugging me.”
“I seem to have fallen at your feet again.”
"Yes. How not nice of you to drop in."
"It's a good thing the car didn't fall on top of me!"
"You still have that thing?"
"The Gremlin? Oh yes. It's a classic. They don't make 'em anymore. They've become very rare now."
GhoulSpawn, began checking his pockets to make sure his car wasn't damaged and no sheep had been hurt. Moments later the bright orange 1974 AMC Gremlin was sitting in the road, while a flock of a few dozen sheep bleated.
"There they are," Quaraun said. "I always forget about the sheep. Are there more sheep now?"
"Oh, yes.. Well.... uhm... Proctor and Gamble... they... uhm... Iams dog food is made out of ground lamb."
"Meaning you broke in and stole all their sheep?"
"Well... uhm... Yeah... I mean... what else was I gonna do?"
"So how many sheep you got living in your pockets now?"
"Uhm... a few hundred head of sheep, I think."
"A few hundred? You carry a few HUNDRED sheep in your pockets now?"
"What happens when you run out of pockets?"
"That'll never happen. Each pocket opens into it's own mini dimension. I can keep several hundred sheep just in one pocket."
"No goldfish, today?"
GhoulSpawn looked up at the sky fearfully, to make sure no goldfish were lurking in the clouds waiting to kill him.
“No. I do not see any. Not right now at least. Sneaky devils though. They could be hiding anywhere. Last week they were disguising themselves as blossoms in cherry trees.”
“They throw themselves at the windows trying to break to glass to get to me. They are very persistent.”
“Well, I’m sure if you’re here, they'll find a way to be here too.”
“You never know where they’re gonna be next. You'd think something that pink would stand out more, but they find ever so many places to hide.”
“Why are you here, GhoulSpawn?”
“I don't know.”
The green robed Chaos Wizard looked around.
"Where is here?"
"Don't know, but you might want to put your sheep away. We're just outside of a war zone, if the army moves this way, we'll need to move out fast, and you won't have time to pack up your sheep."
Quaraun watched as GhoulSpawn began stuffing sheep back in his pockets. He stopped and became jumpy and nervous over every little sound.
“Are you okay?”
“What?” GhoulSpawn was looking up at the sky, wand in hand, ready to zap any killer goldfish that flew out of a cloud at him.
“I asked if you were okay?”
“Oh, yes. Fine. Why wouldn’t I be?”
“I don’t know. Maybe because you just fell from about a hundred feet of nothing, out of a cloud that spit you out onto the road. A normal person would be bruised or have a couple broken legs... or... hooves” Quaraun looked down at GhoulSpawn’s feet. They were hidden by the many ground sweeping layers of yellow and orange silks kimono and hakama, that peeked out from beneath his ankle length dark green frock coat.
“I think a sheep broke my fall.”
GhoulSpawn went back to stuffing sheep in his pockets.
“Sheep? Of course. I forgot about your sheep.”
“And my hooves are fine thank you.”
“Still hiding them, I see.”
GhoulSpawn stopped stuffing sheep back in his pockets long enough to fuss over his silks to make sure that his furry sheep's legs were hidden from view.
“Why bother to hide your legs?”
“They’re easy to hide, unlike jackrabbit ears.”
“I like my ears.”
“And I like my hooves, I just don’t like showing them off. Besides, it's not like Humans are any more accepting of a half-Elf then the Elves are."
"I accept you. Half Elf or half sheep. I still like you either way."
"I'm not half sheep. I'm Uruisg."
"Which simply means you're half sheep."
"Where are we?”
“If I knew I certainly wouldn't tell you. You'd find some way to bring us back here.”
“Are we in a different time or on a different planet?”
“I tried convincing myself it was a different planet already.”
“How’d that go?”
“I failed miserably.”
“Are we on Earth?”
“The celestial satellites are ... MOSTLY right,” Quaraun said as he looked up worried about the ones that were wrong. “I'd like to get out of here and back to our own time before the ones that are wrong, get wronger.”
Quaraun pointed up and GhoulSpawn looked to see what he was pointing at.
“I already survived one apocalypse, I don't want to have to try to live through another one.”
GhoulSpawn looked to Unicorn.
“What's he talking about?”
“We da'knows. We were'na listening.”
“Are you ever?”
“Nope. We just stand around waiting to fuck him while him goes blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. What was he talking about?”
Quaraun glared at Unicorn.
“I was talking about how someone was eating the moon.”
Quaraun pointed up at the moon again.
“You don't suppose the goldfish did that, do you?” GhoulSpawn asked as he stared up at the fragmented moon.
“GhoulSpawn, I know you have more brain then that in your head,” Quaraun said.
“You have less brain the I do,” GhoulSpawn said.
“Oooohhh, here we go,” Unicorn said. “Yip, yap, yip, yap, yip, yap, yip, yap, yip, yap, yippity. Yip. Yip. Like pair of freaking chihuahuas.”
“I’m not a chihuahua.”
“Yi as short as one.”
“You’re shorter then I am.”
“Him make ya look short.” Unicorn pointed at GhoulSpawn.
“He makes every body look short. He’s taller then a damned Human.”
“No one eating sun, Quaraun.”
“You don’t know that. It could be pumpkins.
“You un yar pumpkins un him un hims goldfish. Yar both crazy!”
Unicorn turned into a purple chihuahua and ran off down the road barking as much as possible.
“Does he not believe in goldfish?” GhoulSpawn asked Quaraun.
“Oh, no, he believes in the goldfish. He saw them before, remember? It’s the pissed off pumpkin patch that he doesn’t believe in.”
“Are they still following you?”
“And he’s never seen them yet, huh?”
“No. They run off ever time he looks. It’s the most frustrating thing.”
“I know what you mean. The goldfish do that to me, all the time. Every one thinks I’m crazy. But, you gotta admit, something happened to the moon.”
Both Elves looked fearfully up at the crumbling moon.
“I know. And it’s not just the moon.”
“No. Everything on this planet is turning into a Lich.”
“How much everything is everything?”
“Everything. Plants. Animals. Trees. Birds. Bugs...”
“Oh, I know. It’s awful. We have to get off this planet as quickly as possible.”
“Off the planet? Why not just go back to our own time?”
“Black Tower’s gone.”
“Oh my! I’ve never been in a time period without Black Tower before.”
“Me neither. It should be right their.”
Quaraun pointed towards the East where the ancient lighthouse should be looming down over them.
“My garden’s gone too. The blueberry field is still here though.”
Unicorn had turned back into a Shetland pony with a silver horn, and cane trotting back up the road.
“What is me Elf-girls talking about?” Unicorn asked.
“He said he survived an apocalypse,” GhoulSpawn answered. “And thinks this world is falling into one by Lichdown and Black Tower is gone.”
“Oh. That. Yeah, he been talking on that all week. Hims home planet gots itself evaporated when it sun gone un blew itself up, hims frail delicate lil parasitic jelly self barely escaped, came to this planet on a ship load of other space faring sea life, killed himself a Moon Elf, moved into it's brain, and is now living in it's undead reanimated body worrying that the sky is falling.”
“I know better than to ask you anything. You're a frigging loon.”
“We is loon?”
“You deny it?”
“We is loon? REALLY?”
“You’re crazy, Unicorn, and you know it.”
“Him has jelly fish living in him head un is waiting for moon to crash land on him, because it being eating by pumpkins, while ya lives in mortal terror that armies of pink killer goldfish are going to fly down on ya out of clouds, un ya spends ya days dropping oot of the sky from no where at all, landing on sheep, un We is one who is be loon?”
“Unicorn, someone's eating the moon,” Quaraun said very seriously. “That's not something to joke about.”
“It isn't the goldfish is it?” GhoulSpawn asked every bit as serious. “Last week, they ate the shingles off my roof trying to get to me.”
“They ate your roof?”
“Yes. And the fat one was flinging himself at the window trying to break out the glass. And then there was Pinky.”
“You remember Pinky. Ugh! The leader of the flock. He discovered the chimney. They came down in after me after that. You don't know what I have to live through.”
“I have a Jellyfish eating my brain. Try living with that.”
“I am! They put one in my head to you know.”
Unicorn stared at the two Elven wizards like they were both crazy, which they were, though, neither of them was willing to admit it.
Quaraun and GhoulSpawn walked off down the path, comparing who was the most assaulted by various killer alien sea life and blood thirsty vegetables.
Unicorn walked along behind them, wondering why Quaraun ignored him every time GhoulSpawn showed up.
“How did you get here?” GhoulSpawn asked Quaraun.
Quaraun filled GhoulSpawn in on the events that had occurred with the army they had encountered and both GhoulSpawn and Quaraun incorrectly concluded it to be the American Civil War, though GhoulSpawn would have thought differently had Quaraun mentioned that the land had been decimated by a nuclear attack of some sort, and that the Earth’s current state of looking like the Civil War times was due to the downed satellites they had previously encountered.
Quaraun being from the 1400s, wasn’t very good at determining one distant future from another. They were all alien to him.
GhoulSpawn being from the 1970s, at least knew of trains and planes and had Quaraun mentioned that the nearby village had the ruins of both a crashed jet and a crashed Amtrak, GhoulSpawn might have guessed the time to be further into the future. Which it was.
Unknown to any of the three Wizards, they were in fact in the year 2525, and were only a few months away from the end of the world, when the moon, finally crumbled too far off its axis and crashed into the planet.
Not realizing how right Quaraun was, that the world was indeed about to end, no one was overly concerned when he said it was.
“So basically group of white supremacist Humans summoned me here, intending me to
raise up an undead army to kill off all non-white Humans.”
“Oh.” GhoulSpawn acted as though that was the most normal thing in the world. “You didn't did you?”
“No. Well, for a few minutes, long enough to kill the lunatic that was holding us, hostage. Why doesn’t that bother you?”
“White supremacist Humans killing non-whites.”
“That? Oh. Suppose I’ve been conditioned to it.”
“Conditioned? How do you get conditioned to that kind of monstrosity?”
“I’m from the future, remember?”
“This is the past for you, isn’t it?”
“Civil War. America. Yeah. I’m from the 1970s. Two hundred years later. New England. Maine. The Ku Klux Klan pretty much runs Maine in my time.”
“Ku Klux Klan?”
“It’s a church. They preach purity of blood. Kill all non-Whites. They're the Human version of High Elves. You'd love them. They're just like you."
"I'm not like that."
"Fathered any half-Elves lately?"
"I must certainly have not!"
"I am a pure blood High Elf..."
"Yeah. Like I said. You'd fit in with the Ku Klux Klan, just fine. You're exactly like them."
"I am not like those monsters we met. Just because I don't like making babies with non-Elves, doesn't mean I want all the none Elves ddead!"
"No. Just Dwarves and Humans. Faeries and Demons are fine."
"Quaraun, you really should step back and listen to yourself some time, you know?"
"Those men we meet are marching across the country side killing every non-white thing in their path."
"Of course they are. They’re terrorists.”
Quaraun thought about this for a moment.
"Are terrorists common in your time?"
"Yeah. And when it comes to Humans, the whiter they are the shittier they are to everyone around them. I grew up in Maine, remember? Whitest state in America. Either year olds running around with guns."
“You’re time isn’t very pleasant is it?”
“Depends on where you are. Maine’s kind of radical once the 21st century gets here.”
“They summoned you?”
“Then how did he get here?” GhoulSpawn asked, while pointing at Unicorn.
“Unicorn? He came with me.”
“Did they summon him too?”
“No. I don't think so. They didn't seem to know about him...”
“Could'na see past me perceived race,” Unicorn added.
"Well, you are black right now," GhoulSpawn said. Weren't you Asian last time I saw you?"
"Why can't you pick a race and stick with it?"
"Me likes variety. What good it to be shapeshifter if ya can no be some of each of everyt'ing. Besides. It fun to annoy Humans."
"It's dangerous to annoy white supremacists."
“Well, best not annoy Quaraun then.”
Quaraun ignored the Faerie's comment and continued talking to the newly arrived Chaos Wizard. Unicorn did not like when GhoulSpawn showed up, because Quaraun had a tendency to spend quite a bit of time with the half-Elf, even though he professed to hating him. As much as Quaraun hated to admit it, he did long for the companionship of other Elves and GhoulSpawn was the closet thing to an Elf, that Quaraun had had to talk to in many decades. As much as he liked Unicorn's company, Unicorn was still a Faerie and there were many things about Elves, Faeries simply were unable to comprehend. Even a half-Elf understood an Elf's needs and habits better then a Faerie did.
Unicorn understood that Quaraun had a need to feel a connection to other Elves and that his isolation from Elven society had not been good for him. That thought, however, did not comfort him when he saw Quaraun and GhoulSpawn pair off talking to one another and leave the Faerie to himself, both forgetting that he was even there. This in turn tended to result in Unicorn becoming hyper and acting up in order to get Quaraun's attention, every time GhoulSpawn showed up.
"How did I get here?" GhoulSpawn asked.
"I don't know, GhoulSpawn. I never know. I wish I did. Then I could find a way to stop you from coming."
"As long as ya does no stop yaself from cumming," Unicorn said.
Quaraun glared at him.
"Can you get sex off your brain for five damned seconds"
"No. We can'na...Oh wait. Let's see? One. Two. Three. Four...nope. Can'na make it to five without thinking how much We wants to squeeze that creamy white goodness out of those luscious ripe cherries ya gots swinging between ya legs."
Quaraun was about to scream at the horny Phooka, but the irritating Half-Elf interrupted him.
"You didn't wish me here did you, Quaraun?" GhoulSpawn asked.
"God, I hope not."
Quaraun tried to think of what he'd been saying moments before GhoulSpawn dropped out of the sky. Quaraun was a Di'Jinn Wizard and able to make wishes come true, except, they never came true properly and often resulted in GhoulSpawn dropping out of the sky and landing on him.
"Unicorn, did I wish for anything that could have brought him here?"
"How We to know? We not bumbling Wizard with no control over me wish granting powers. We is bumbling Wizard with no control over me lust for squeezing ya wee squishy lil kiwis."
“Keep your hands off me.”
Quaraun slapped the Phooka.
“Do you ever listen to anything I say?”
"Nope. Ya say all kinds of stuff. Yip, yap, yip, yap, yip, yap. We never listen. We just stand around waiting for ya to shut up long enough for me to fuck ya."
Quaraun turned to Unicorn.
"What did I say, just before GhoulSpawn arrived?"
"We knows not. Ya says all kinds of stuff. Ya goes blah, blah, blah un We goes la, la, la. We never listen. We too busy lusting for ya perfectly formed apricots."
Quaraun glared at the Phooka angrily.
"What? Ya knows We got brain not unlike Golden Retriever. In one ear, out the other, me no hear wurd of any of it, cause We too busy chasing me own tail un sniffing ya wee lil ass."
Unicorn promptly turned into a Golden Retriever and ran around in circles chasing his tail, until he got dizzy and fell over. The dog lay on the ground panting for a few minutes waiting for his head to stop spinning, then jumped up and chased his tail the other direction until he got dizzy and fell down again.
Quaraun and GhoulSpawn continued talking and ignoring the Phooka, until, the Golden Retriever lept up onto Quaraun and started humping him.
“STOP THAT!” The Elf yelled.
The dog ran off barking.
"Still bedding the Phooka I see?" GhoulSpawn said to Quaraun.
"Yes. Not that it's any of your business."
"Well, no it's not my business, but you are one of those snooty aristocratic higher then every body else, purist blooded of the pure blooded High Elves that lives in mortal fear of making mud blood half breed babies and yet you're going around with non-Elves. If you ain't careful, Quaraun, one of these days you're gone end up making one of them half-Elf heathens you hate so much."
"Admitting you're a Heathen, GhoulSpawn?"
"No, just proving my point that you hate us half-Elves."
"Yes. I absolutely despise you half-Elves.”
“Then why are you getting laid up with non Elves?”
“I'm a male, he's a male, we aren't making babies."
“I seem to recall you being pregnant before.”
“Don’t remind me.”
“You were pregnant last time I saw you.”
“I said don’t remind me.”
“How’d that go?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
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