I suppose the best way to show you what the "Omegaverse" type parts of my series is like, by just showing you one of the "Omegaverse/MPreg" scenes: (Note, this has not yet been edited; and it is formatted for the vn - it is from the draft of the visual novel "Quaraun goes to the Fair") (A visual novel is a type of video game/this is a scene from the video game, that's why it is script format)

People keep asking "What's the series like, what are the characters like, etc" and well, there are over twenty thousand pages of lore and free to read stories on this site, but, if you just want a sample upfront before you even look for those... here you go... this is a work in progress (and not yet edited or formatted) story, that will likely be released in 2027, here's a scene that has all three main characters, being their typical selves with how they are throughout most of the series:

TRIGGER WARNING: In case you forgot... Quaraun is a zombie, as is BoomFuzzy, and Ghoulspawn is too, he just hasn't come to terms with it yet, my series is a zombie apocalypse told from the point of views of the zombies... these are LITERAL UNDEAD MONSTERS, a hoard of intelligent thinking zombies that are able to pass themselves off as the living, so they can "Something Wicked This way Comes" style set up a seemingly innocent carnival in a village of the living, and them eat all the people that were stupid enough to enter the market... it's a travelling merchant and food truck chef, leading a massive horde of twenty-one billion zombies across the planet, systematically hunting down the living, because they eat brains, and all these guys have on their minds is where's the next group of brains we can harvest... literal Goblin Market logic here, NO ONE IS SELLING to customers, because the merchants are zombies eating the customers.

My characters are blood thirsty zombies with one thing on their minds: Brains!

Brains, brains, brains, brains, BRAINS!

Harvesting brains.

Eating brains.

Cooking brains.

Picking brains.

Pickling brains.

Sauteing brains.

Creating new recipes for brains stew.

And leaving nothing to waste, BoomFuzzy grinds Human bones into flour, literal bone meal flour, for making his gingerbread, his magical gingerbread that he uses to lure Humans into The UnSeelie Court, so the UnDead Evil faeries can feast on Humans brains.

Oh, by the way, in case you hadn't heard: I got permission/rights to use this song as the theme song for this game, so, here, play the YouTube version while you read this:

NARRATOR: "Quaraun continued texting for a few minutes but neither BoomFuzzy nor GhoulSpawn responded."

Quaraun: "I am bored and annoyed and annoyed and bored, and I have to pee again."

Quaraun: "Why do these kits have to spend all their time dancing on my bladder?"

Quaraun: "It is bad enough I am too pregnant to run my sales booth, but I need someone to help me stand up so I can go pee and neither on of them are answering their phones."

NARRATOR: "Quaraun paused contemplating writing poetry on how they had both abandoned him, when suddenly, BoomFuzzy came raging into Quaraun's pink silk tent, while dragging GhoulSpawn behind him."

BoomFuzzy: "I have had it up to here with the both of you."

BoomFuzzy: "You..."

NARRATOR: "He threw GhoulSpawn into a pile of pillows beside Quaraun."

BoomFuzzy: "Stay there and study your fucking books! I want you knowing how to repair the damned Bio Dome before we get back home."

BoomFuzzy: "And you..."

NARRATOR: "The King spun around to glare angrily at his court mage."

BoomFuzzy: "Give me that fucking phone!"

NARRATOR: "BoomFuzzy tore the phone out of Quaraun's hands before the old Elf had a chance to respond."

Quaraun: "Give that back!"

BoomFuzzy: "NO!"

Quaraun: "I am trying to have my hourly existential crisis!"

BoomFuzzy: "AND I AM TRYING TO RUN A FUCKING KINGDOM!"

Quaraun: "I need my phone."

BoomFuzzy: "And I need my sanity!"

GhoulSpawn: "Tough luck having that around him, driving every one around him, insane is Quaraun's speciality. I've never..."

BoomFuzzy: "SHUT THE FUCK UP! WHAT THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET YOU TO FUCKING STOP TALKING FOR FIVE DAMNED FUCKING SECONDS!?!"

GhoulSpawn: "Technically that is incorrect, because stopping to breath between sentences takes about five seconds, meaning every time I breath through my nose or my mouth, I am in fact not talking for those few seconds and..."

BoomFuzzy: "SHUT UP!"

BoomFuzzy: "I have had it up to here with the both of you. {p} We have a very bad winter ahead of us, and the first blizzards will be hitting us with in the next two weeks."

BoomFuzzy: "We NEED the Bio Dome repaired BEFORE the blizzard starts. {p} If that Bio Dome isn't up and running before the first blizzard hits, we NEED to move underground."

BoomFuzzy: "That means we have to get the caves ready. We have to have food and water and everything else we need in storage, and right now, we don't and we are running out of time to do it."

BoomFuzzy: "The Shard Fall is going to start up again soon. {p} We don't know exactly when. {p} It could be a few months. {p} It could be a few years. {p} It could be tomorrow."

BoomFuzzy: "We need to be ready for the next Shard Fall. {p} You know how bad the last one was..."

GhoulSpawn: "Actually... I don't. I wasn't here. {p} I've never seen a Shard Fall. {p} I kind of don't know what it is."

BoomFuzzy: "SHUT UP! {p} I AM YOUR KING AND YOU DO NOT INTERRUPT ME!"

Quaraun: "He is correct. He has never seen a Shard Fall. So he does not know what it is we have to prepare for."

NARRATOR: "BoomFuzzy glared at Quaraun, his fist tightening around the cleaver in his hand. {p} Seeing this Quaraun quickly added..."

Quaraun: "As your Royal Court Mage and Advisor, I DO in fact have your prior permission to interrupt you if I feel that you are in need of advising..."

Quaraun: "...and therefore I am not out of line in reminding you that while Glinta has been informed of the dangers, one really can not mentally prepare for the magnitude of cataclysm that comes with a Shard Fall, because what exactly would it mean to say that one was prepared for such a thing, when preparation itself presupposes that the mind possesses some adequate measure by which it can comprehend the event for which it is preparing..."

Quaraun: "...and I assure you that there is no adequate measure, there is no sensible comparison, there is no previous catastrophe to which one can point and say, yes, it shall be like that, only larger, because the whole horror of a Shard Fall lies precisely in the fact that it is not merely an unusually large disaster, nor is it merely an inconvenience which has been magnified by distance and circumstance..."

Quaraun: "...but a thing which descends upon the world with such extravagant indifference to everything living upon it that all one's carefully assembled preparations become, in the final accounting, little more than an elaborate arrangement of objects which happen to be standing in the correct room when the roof ceases to exist;..."

Quaraun: "... and you may tell Glinta to store provisions, you may tell him to reinforce the doors, you may tell him to remain indoors, you may tell him to keep away from the windows and to follow every instruction given by those who have survived one before, but none of those instructions will give him the experience of hearing the world itself make a sound which his mind insists cannot possibly be coming from the world,..."

Quaraun: "... nor will they teach him what it is to look upward and understand, with that peculiar and appalling clarity which arrives only when there is no longer any use in denying what the eyes are seeing, that the thing falling from the heavens is not some distant phenomenon which belongs to the sky and therefore can remain safely in the sky, but is coming here, specifically here, ..."

Quaraun: "...and that your house, your road, your garden, your carefully repaired roof, your pantry, your bed, your body, all of it occupies the same unfortunate planet as the falling stone; and so when you tell me that Glinta has been informed, I believe you, and when you tell me that he understands the danger, I believe that also, but understanding a sentence and understanding a Shard Fall are two entirely different accomplishments,..."

Quaraun: "... and I should not like to discover, after the first fragment tears through something he once believed permanent, that we mistook his ability to repeat our warnings back to us for the far less pleasant ability to comprehend why we have spent all this time preparing..."

GhoulSpawn: "I told you he talks more then I do..."

BoomFuzzy: "Shut up."

GhoulSpawn: "ME? {p} Why don't you tell HIM to shut up?"

BoomFuzzy: "Because I'm married to him. And you're just the idiot he runs around with behind my back."

GhoulSpawn: "We kind of all three of us sleep in bed together at the same time. I don't see you complaining then."

Quaraun: "... and perhaps this is the true terror of it, not the falling stone itself, but the impossibility of making the mind understand that something can be both inevitable and incomprehensible, much as it is impossible to explain to a rat that the gnawing inside its skull is not hunger, not madness, but the gradual devouring of the very organ by which it might otherwise have understood the difference..."

Quaraun: "... and what is a brain but a particularly elaborate piece of meat upon which existence has permitted itself the temporary luxury of thought, and what is thought but the desperate chewing of little mental rats upon the bones of a universe which has already forgotten why it created us in the first place..."

Quaraun: "...and then there are the primordial depths, of course, the black algae-filled waters beneath everything we foolishly call solid, where Mother's ever-loving tentacles reach upward from the ancient goo while the tadpoles swarm and fight for their opportunity to eat your brain, which is perhaps the most honest metaphor for existence I have ever encountered,..."

Quaraun: "... because we are all tadpoles in the end, swimming through the primordial muck and believing ourselves to be important because we have acquired names, houses, provisions, titles, royal courts, silken garments, and the remarkable audacity to imagine that any of these things will matter when the heavens begin throwing stones at us;"

Quaraun: "... and I find it particularly amusing, in that bleak and rather unpleasant way in which certain things become amusing only after one has stared at them for too long, that every hour on the hour I write a poem about the doom and gloom of existence, the gloom and doom of the cosmos, the doom and gloom of the impending cataclysmic threat of another comet strike,..."

Quaraun: "... the gloom and doom of the rats gnawing at the mind, the gloom and doom of Mother's tentacles, the gloom and doom of the tadpoles, the gloom and doom of the algae, the gloom and doom of the brain which is apparently destined to become lunch,..."

Quaraun: "... and yet somehow none of this has prepared me for the possibility that I shall be forced to endure another Shard Fall without having first finished my tea, which I consider to be a catastrophe of an altogether more personal nature..."

BoomFuzzy: "Love."

Quaraun: "...and therefore I have concluded that Glinta's lack of urgency is entirely rational under the circumstances, because no creature can be expected to fear adequately that which he has never experienced, particularly when the thing itself is so far beyond ordinary comprehension that even those of us who have experienced it are reduced to writing poetry about..."

BoomFuzzy: "LOVE."

Quaraun: "...the impending doom of..."

BoomFuzzy: "Quaraun. Stop."

Quaraun: "I have not finished."

BoomFuzzy: "You have gone completely off the bloody rails."

Quaraun: "I was arriving at an important philosophical conclusion."

BoomFuzzy: "You were talking about tadpoles eating brains."

Quaraun: "Which was precisely where the philosophical conclusion was going."

BoomFuzzy: "No."

Quaraun: "Yes."

BoomFuzzy: "No."

Quaraun: "... it is as if the rats gnawing at the mind, devouring the brain, could be comprehended, alongside mother's ever loving tentacles, screaming from the dark algae filled depths of the primordial goo, while the tadpoles swim, nay fight, for their chance to eat your brain!"

Quaraun: "Yes! Every hour on the hour I write a poem about the doom and gloom of existence. The gloom and doom of the cosmos. The doom and gloom of the impending cataclysmic threat of another comet strike. The gloom and doom of… "

BoomFuzzy: "Love, I'm in the middle of making merchant burgers. I don't have ten hours to listen to your villain arch monologue. The bloody steaks will go bad in the sun. Get to the fucking point. NOW!"

Quaraun: "Glinta has never experienced a Shard Fall... so he can not be expected to feel the same level of urgency as the rest of us."

BoomFuzzy: "That explains his lack urgency, what about yours?"

Quaraun: "I urgently need to pee. I have an entire litter of kits doing summer salts on my bladder..."

BoomFuzzy: "All the more reason we need to gather supplies. {p} With you ready to go into labour any day, we need extra supplies for the bairns, and extra supplies to compensate for you're impending need to be in recovery for weeks after giving birth."

BoomFuzzy: "In case you hadn't noticed I'm trying to take care of you two idiots."

GhoulSpawn: "I'm far from being an idiot. I have thirty two PhDs from Harvard and my IQ makes Einstein look like a blathering idiot..."

BoomFuzzy: "So says the blathering idiot of a goat."

GhoulSpawn: "I'm a Sheep."

BoomFuzzy: "And as Patient Zero, I am the ONLY person whom has ever survived being hit by a shard."

Quaraun: "This is true."

GhoulSpawn: "My understanding of Shard Fall is the shattered remains of Comet Swift Tuttle are due to orbit close to the planet again, and ever since the year it did so by hitting the Moon..."

GhoulSpawn: "it now passes with a massive asteroid belt orbiting it, and the planet is due to get the shit beat out of it be a whole bunch of the debris breaking off the comet's orbit as it passes us, yes?"

BoomFuzzy: "It's worse then that. Shard Fall, is specifically the giant blue crystal shards that fall out of the sky and everything they don't crush when they land, turns into opal."

GhoulSpawn: "The gemstone?"

BoomFuzzy: "Yes. {p} The Crystal Plague. {p} Half the Shards are big enough to rips mountains in half."

GhoulSpawn: "I struggle to image Shards being that big."

Quaraun: "They can be bigger. We have to be ready to leave the planet if needs be, that is why we have the fleet in orbit."

GhoulSpawn: "Leave the planet?"

Quaraun: "Yes! The Crystal Shards are deadly, look like neon blue glowing quartz crystals, but are subzero temperatures, and like liquid nitrogen, touching one instantly flash freezes the person, animal, plant that touched it, and the freezing spreads, which is precisely why I find the prospect of remaining on the planet during a Shard Fall to be an unnecessarily optimistic interpretation of the word survival,..."

Quaraun: "... because what exactly is the point of constructing an underground shelter if the thing falling from the heavens is capable of turning the forest above you into a cemetery of blue crystal statues,..."

Quaraun: "... and what comfort is there in knowing that the roof over your head remains intact when you must nevertheless wonder whether the mountain itself shall be frozen solid around you, trapping you inside it like a fly in amber, except that the fly at least possesses the dignity of not having spent the preceding week arguing over whether enough canned fruit was purchased..."

Quaraun: "...and I have no desire to become a blue crystal statue, thank you, particularly not one with my hands frozen in some undignified position, because if I am to be preserved for eternity I should prefer to be preserved wearing my best pink silks, with my hair arranged properly,..."

Quaraun: "... and preferably somewhere where future civilizations can admire me rather than excavate me from beneath six hundred feet of frozen mountain and say, 'Oh, look, some unfortunate Elf,' as though I were merely an archaeological inconvenience..."

GhoulSpawn: "Quaraun."

Quaraun: "...because I assure you I shall not tolerate being an archaeological inconvenience."

GhoulSpawn: "I only asked if we would leave the planet."

Quaraun: "I was explaining why."

GhoulSpawn: "You explained it."

Quaraun: "I had not finished."

GhoulSpawn: "You never do.

Quaraun: "It is known as The Crystal Plague as people who freeze do not freeze into ice, rather they freeze into blue crystal, looking like a carved crystal statue. Why do you think I am having hourly existential crises!"

GhoulSpawn: "Uhm... because you're insane?"

Quaraun: "I am not insane."

GhoulSpawn: "All the wanted posters around the fairgrounds says 'WANTED – DEAD OR ALIVE: QUARAUN THE INSANE'."

Quaraun: "That is because Humans are idiots."

GhoulSpawn: "Uhm... yeah... I thought it was because you were a mass murdering serial killer who goes from town to town killing all the Humans?"

NARRATOR: "Quaraun ignored this and went back to his original train of thought."

Quaraun: "Unicorn is known as 'Patient Zero' as he was the first person to ever come into contact with a crystal Shard and live, but it is what it did was it turned him into a Frost Lich..."

Quaraun: "...and why he can touch a person and freeze them instantly, and why he can summon blizzards and ice storms. Nothing is more feared in the solar system the Shard Fall and The Crystal Plague it brings."

BoomFuzzy: "It is due to hit us again. {p} It doesn't come consistently so we can not plan for it with great accuracy, but we can predict it within a decade or so."

BoomFuzzy: "And we are in the cusp of that decade right now. The Shard Fall could start any day now. Though I believe, we still have a few months before it will hit us."

BoomFuzzy: "And that is WHY we are here at The GodForsaken City's annual regional fair. If we prepare properly, we can survive The Shard Fall with minimal damages. {p} We have done it before."

BoomFuzzy: "While this is YOUR first Shard Fall, Ghoulie, it isn't ours. {p} Shard Fall will take out many cities, kill entire settlements, erase entire forests. It is hellish devastation, that will hit the entire planet all at once."

BoomFuzzy: "I have been able to keep all the four hundred families of The UnSeelie Court safe, through every Shard Fall to ever hit us, for two thousand years now."

BoomFuzzy: "I know what I am doing. I know what we need to prepare. I can lead us through this, if you let me do my job. {p} And part of that job, is we NEED supplies that we can't grow or make ourselves."

BoomFuzzy: "That is WHY we are here at this festival. We are not here to goof off or play games or bumble around like fucking idiots. Got it? I have a Job to do. And I need you two, to let me do it."

BoomFuzzy: "And that means I want the two of you, to stay here, and do whatever the hell it is the two of you do when you're alone in this tent. No more texting me unless it is an ACTUAL emergency."

BoomFuzzy: "Okay? {p} Do you two think you can stay out of trouble, for a single weekend? {p} Is that really too much to ask?"

GhoulSpawn: "You've got have the vendors lined up out there on the chopping block!"

BoomFuzzy: "We need enough food to last three fucking years, of underground living in caves beneath the mountains for the next three years without any possibility of going back to the surface."

GhoulSpawn: "They're Humans!"

BoomFuzzy: "They're livestock. Get used to it. Be glad we Fae are eating the Humans and not the two of you Elves!"

GhoulSpawn: "I'm a Sheep!"

BoomFuzzy: "You're a half-Elf and we are Phookas. We eat Elves. Why do you think they call me The Elf Eater? You think being a half-Elf will get you off the hook?"

BoomFuzzy: "Most of the pure blooded Elves got killed off in the first Shard Fall. We ran out of Elves to eat centuries ago. That's the only thing that keeps him alive."

NARRATOR: "BoomFuzzy pointed his cleaver towards Quaraun."

BoomFuzzy: "He's the last pure blooded Elf that we can actually verify is pure blooded Elf. We keep him alive so we can breed more Elves."

GhoulSpawn: "I really don't like being in this time period. I want to go back home."

BoomFuzzy: "We all do, GhoulSpawn."

GhoulSpawn: "It's differant for you."

BoomFuzzy: "No it's not."

GhoulSpawn: "You belong here!"

BoomFuzzy: "No! We don't!"

GhoulSpawn: "What do you mean?"

BoomFuzzy: "GhoulSpawn you are not the only one, not where they belong. None of us, no one in The UnSeelie Court belongs here. That's why we banded together in the first place."

GhoulSpawn: "I.. I... I don't understand. ... {p} What do you mean?"

BoomFuzzy: "Quaraun is from 800 B.C. Persia. That's why he doesn't know anything about machines and medicine. It's why he thinks that laser gun of his is a magic wand. It's why he thinks his bionic prosthetics are magic enchanted gloves. And because i used to be a robotics engineer and knew how to build those prosthetic hands for him, now he thinks im a wizard."

GhoulSpawn: "Aren't you?"

BoomFuzzy: "NO! … {p} … well… not the way he thinks. GhoulSpawn, I belong in 26th century Earth. Where we had robots and cyborgs and sapient Ai. I was a robotics engineer and ai programmer. How do you think i built my Ai powered self driving food truck? How do you think i built these ai powered vr goggles? I'm blind you know! You keep forgetting that because I have these glasses that tell me my surroundings and gives me read outs of everything around me. But take these off and I can't see a thing. I was blind since birth."

GhoulSpawn: "You built those things?"

BoomFuzzy: "Yes."

GhoulSpawn: "All the robots and drones and self driving cars you guys have, that's all you?"

BoomFuzzy: "Aye. I built every one of them."

GhoulSpawn: "I thought you was just a fisherman and chef."

BoomFuzzy: "A man can do more then one thing. I like cooking. I like fishing. I like clam digging. And none of that excludes me from liking robotics, engineering, or programming."

GhoulSpawn: "I suppose that's true. I never thought of it that way."

BoomFuzzy: "Most people can't see far enough past my skin colour to think I might have any intelligence."

GhoulSpawn: "I certainly wasn't thinking that. I just meant I've only ever seen you cooking and fishing."

BoomFuzzy: "We live in an apocalypse. World ain't got much use for anything beyond basic survival skills anymore."

GhoulSpawn: "So, you're from a cyberpunk era and Quaraun’s from before Jesus was born?"

BoomFuzzy: "Aye. It's why he thinks I'm a lich. I was the first frozen person to be revived by cryogenics. Those things he calls necromancy grimoires and necronomicons, are actually medical books about cryogenics! Its why he prays to ancient gods and believes in spirits…"

Quaraun: "Goddess."

BoomFuzzy: "What?!"

Quaraun: "You said I pray to gods. I do not. I pay to the Moon Goddess."

BoomFuzzy: "Whatever."

Quaraun: "Not whatever. There is a very big difference."

BoomFuzzy: "My point is that you were born in a time and place three hundred thousand years ago, and you're only seven hundred years old!"

Quaraun: "Indeed. It is most troubling."

GhoulSpawn: "What about you?"

BoomFuzzy: "Me? I should be back in 2525. I was there when the comet hit the moon. Some how I ended up in the past. Not sure what year. Ancient Incas I think. I lived in that time for two thousand years, eventually reached 800 B.C. and met Quaraun. Then we both ended up in the 1400s. And then we ended up here. Which near as I can tell, this is America in the year four hundred thousand and something. And then you ended up here with us. And you're from 1978."

Quaraun: "Stop moving."

BoomFuzzy: "What the fuck? I'm a Faerie, ya gonna tell me to stop moving? Yeah might as well tell me to lay down and die."

Quaraun: "You are already dead, considering you are a Lich. And do not blame your endless hyper activity on being a Faerie. I have known plenty of Fae who were perfectly capable of sitting calmly and quietly. Two things you are completely incapable of ever doing."

BoomFuzzy: "By what right do you feel the need to give your king orders?"

Quaraun: "By the right that in addition to being your favourite spouse, and your Royal Court Mage, and your Royal Advisor, I am also your tailor and you have a lose button. Now stand sill and stop fidgeting long enough for me to fix it."

BoomFuzzy: "Do ya got any idea how annoying you are?"

Quaraun: "Yes. You remind me constantly. You told me how annoying I have been this weekend, over a dozen times while making breakfast, a dozen more times while my handmaids were brushing my hair, and you keep reminding me that there are no cherries, and that the lack of cherries is my fault…"

BoomFuzzy: "It is your fault."

Quaraun: "I fail to see how that is relevant…"

BoomFuzzy: "You ate the fucking cherries."

Quaraun: "I was hungry."

BoomFuzzy: "You ate three pails full of cherries. Three pails that were three gallons each. You ate nine gallons of cherries. That's not hungry, that's gluttony."

Quaraun: "I am nine months pregnant."

BoomFuzzy: "So you ate a gallon of cherries for each month? At this rate you'll eat our entire winter stores before the end of the week!"

Quaraun: "The kits were hungry, and they wanted cherry pie."

BoomFuzzy: "Which is what I was going to make, had there been any cherries left to make it with."

Quaraun: "Stop moving."

BoomFuzzy: "NO!"

Quaraun: "You have forgotten that I am currently repairing your coat."

BoomFuzzy: "I have not. You have forgotten that I am your King, and you take orders from me not give orders to me."

Quaraun: "Hold still."

BoomFuzzy: "What are you even doing?"

Quaraun: "Your button is loose."

GhoulSpawn: "How'd you get your scissors? You ain't left this spot, your sewing basket's on the other side of the tent."

Quaraun: "My chatelaine."

GhoulSpawn: "What is a chatelaine?"

Quaraun: "This is a chatelaine."

Narrator: "Quaraun motioned towards the many gleaming silver chains hanging from his belt. Each chain ending to hold an elaborate silver tool. A pair of silver embroidery scissors, a silver thimble, a silver case full of gold eye silver needles, a silver cage filled with beeswax, and at least a dozen other such items."

GhoulSpawn: "Those are... real? Like real tools?"

Quaraun: "Of course. I am a tailor."

GhoulSpawn: "Yeah but, I mean like... I thought that stuff was just decorations. Like jewellery or something. I thought you just collected sewing charms because you like to sew. I didn't realize those were actually really sewing tools."

GhoulSpawn: "You wear a chatelaine?"

Quaraun: "Of course. I am a tailor."

BoomFuzzy: "He has got enough sewing tools hanging off that thing to rebuild the whole bloody tower."

Quaraun: "I have exactly the tools I require."

GhoulSpawn: "How many tools is that?"

Quaraun: "Enough. I have a king to keep respectable."

BoomFuzzy: "I don't care what I look like."

Quaraun: "Which is precisely why I must be vigilant in attending to it for you. You would run around in rags if I let you."

BoomFuzzy: "Again, Love, I am the King. I can wear whatever the fuck I want."

Quaraun: "If other kingdoms are to take you seriously, you must dress the part."

BoomFuzzy: "What other kingdoms? There's a fucking apocalypse going on out there. There ain't no other kingdoms. We've got the last one! Zombies ate everyone else."

Quaraun: "You never know when we might encounter another kingdom. They must know immediately upon looking at you, that you are the king."

BoomFuzzy: "Do you really think, anyone is going live through your zombie herds marching ahead of us, long enough to notice our caravan at the centre of the zombie herd?"

Quaraun: "There is always the chance someone might. Even the Lich King, as formidable as you are, must always be ready to greet other leaders who perchance to survive my zombies."

GhoulSpawn: "Or… you know, just an idea.. you could… I don't know… maybe not steam roll into every settlement, kill every living thing you see?"

Quaraun: "Glinta. I am The Pink Necromancer. The World's Most Feared Wizard. Military General of the World's Most Feared King. Titles we can not maintain if we just peacefully mosey on in to every village we find. We have reputations to maintain."

GhoulSpawn: "Ah. Silly me for forgetting you was actually evil Gargamel on a power trip."

Quaraun: "Gargamel?"

GhoulSpawn: "Saturday morning cartoon wizard, tried to convince everyone he was evil, but he wasn't really evil, but he went cartoonishly over the top on trying to be evil just for the sake of being evil because he was a member of an evil wizarding guild that had kicked him out for not being evil enough, so he went on a binge of what evil can I do today for the sake of proving to the world, that I am evil, oh I know I'll eat blue elves… you know what… you wouldn't get it, so, never mind."

Quaraun: "I believe you are mixing me up with Unicorn here. He eats Elves. That is why he is called The Elf Eater."

GhoulSpawn: "I wasn't…"

BoomFuzzy: "Do you always have to get my title wrong? I am King Gwallmaiic, Elf Eater of Pepper Valley, Lich Lord of Fire Mountain, King of The UnSeelie Court."

GhoulSpawn: "You two care more about your titles then you do anything else, you know that?"

Quaraun: "Of course we do. Titles are important."

GhoulSpawn: "No. actually they aren't."

Quaraun: "Yes, they are."

GhoulSpawn: "No. You two are just crazy."

Quaraun: "We are both perfectly normal. It is you who is odd."

GhoulSpawn: "I feel like I fell into a cartoon and can't get out of it."

Quaraun: “Did you ever make my cherry pie or pink cloud macrons?”

BoomFuzzy: “Did you ever bring me a basket of cherries or moon fruit?”

Quaraun: “No.”

BoomFuzzy: “Then what pray tell were you expecting me to make them with?”

Quaraun: “You are a Fearie chef...”

BoomFuzzy: “So?”

Quaraun: “Does that not mean you can pouf acorn caps and get macrons?”

BoomFuzzy: “Cooking doesn’t work that way, Love.”

Quaraun: "You are a Faerie chef, which means that surely there must be some ancient culinary enchantment whereby acorn caps become pastries, or mushrooms become cakes,..."

Quaraun: "... or perhaps you simply point at an empty plate and command it to contain a cherry pie, because I have seen you turn stranger ingredients into things which ought not logically be edible, and I therefore fail to understand why the absence of cherries should constitute an insurmountable obstacle when the entire point of being a Faerie is presumably to make the impossible irritatingly convenient..."

BoomFuzzy: "Love... I cook from scratch. Tastes better that way. I only use magic for food prep when prepping poisons food for luring victims in."

Quaraun: “Pooh.”

BoomFuzzy: “I am the world’s greatest chef. I have more Micheline stars then any other chef on the planet. And I am the world’s most terrifying Faerie Sorceror Lich King. {p} But my cooking is just plain old fashioned cooking. No magic involved. And where there are no cherries, there can be no cherry pie.”

Quaraun: “Alas. I ate three baskets of cherries. The temptation was too great and the kits were so hungry. {p} And I lost the moon fruit in the scuffle with the police. {p} You do not suppose they are at the police department?”

BoomFuzzy: “In the evidence locker if they are.”

Quaraun: “Could we get them back?”

BoomFuzzy: “We’d have to get arrested again.”

Quaraun: “Are you certain?”

BoomFuzzy: “You got a better plan? You’re my royal advisor, I’s your job to come up with ideas.”

Quaraun: “I could pee on a police officer. They would arrest me for that would they not?”

BoomFuzzy: “Humans around would arrest you just for being an Elf. A pregnant Omega Elf who pees on them would prob’ly get arrested even faster.”

Quaraun: "Then perhaps it would be more efficient to pee upon the officer, because if arrest is already the inevitable consequence of my presence, it would be wasteful to allow the opportunity for a more efficient arrest to pass unused..."

BoomFuzzy: "Ya think ya can reel in the crazy just long enough for us to get through the weekend?"

Quaraun: “I need to pee.”

BoomFuzzy: “Go pee then. Why you sitting here bitching about it?”

Quaraun: “My nest is so comfortable. I’ve got all my pillows and fur pelts in just exactly the right places.”

BoomFuzzy: “You have any idea how annoying you are when you’re nesting like a damn broody mother hen?”

Quaraun: “I am still craving pink cloud macrons. These cravings are so annoying. They come on me without warning. Those stupid police who arrested me yesterday took my moon fruit, and I completely forgot about it until just now.”

BoomFuzzy: “Well, I’m sure you’ll find a way for us to get arrested again today. We haven’t gotten through a single day of this festival yet without getting arrested.”

Quaraun: “You act like I do it on purpose!”

BoomFuzzy: “JellyBean, we can’t harvest brains, unless we keep a low profile. {p} And we can’t keep a low profile, if you go around throwing apples at police officers.”

Quaraun: “I was throwing them at you. How was I to know there was a police officer behind you and the apple would hit him when you ducked?”

BoomFuzzy: “Why was ya throwing apples at your King in the first place?”

Quaraun: “You was refusing to make me a cherry pie.”

BoomFuzzy: “On account of you ate all the cherries and there was no cherries left to make a cherry pie out of!”

Quaraun: “Well, the police took my moon fruit, so you can still make pink cloud macrons.”

BoomFuzzy: “If we can get them back out of the police station.”

GhoulSpawn: “You two aren’t seriously considering breaking into the evidence locker of the police station are you?”

Quaraun: “Of course we are!”

GhoulSpawn: “Why don’t you just go back to the fruit stand and buy more moon fruit?”

Quaraun: “Me? Spend coins?”

GhoulSpawn: “Ya, what was I thinking, I forgot it’d be easier to get Scrooge McDuck to spend a dime!”

Quaraun: “Glinta, why should I waste coins, when we have you?”

GhoulSpawn: “Me?”

Quaraun: “You are the best pick pocket, lock picker, sneak thief, I have ever encountered.”

GhoulSpawn: “You want ME to break into the police station evidence locker?”

Quaraun: “YES!”

GhoulSpawn: “Boomie, you’re not agreeing to this are you?”

BoomFuzzy: “If it keeps the two of you out of my hair for the rest of the day.”

GhoulSpawn: “What is so great about pink cloud macrons?”

Quaraun: “BoomFuzzy’s BoomFudgey Pink Cloud Macrons are to die for. Layers of pink moon fruit whipped fluffy cakes stuffed with whipped fluffy chocolate cream. He is the world’s greatest chef and his pink cloud macrons are one of his crowning achievements. A recipe he created.”

BoomFuzzy: “Aye. I didn’t get 43 Micheline Stars for nothing.”

GhoulSpawn: “Are you sure you didn’t just steal the stars off the restaurants after you killed, cooked, and ate the chefs?”

BoomFuzzy: “Eh, same thing.”

GhoulSpawn: “Yeah… I don’t think it works that way…”

BoomFuzzy: “It does when I cook, Ghoulie.”

NARRATOR: "BoomFuzzy did not give them a chance to answer. He stormed out of the tent."

"..."

NARRATOR: "The next two hours passed without incident, but two hours was about as long as Quaraun could go sitting silently."

Quaraun: "I have missed my last two existential crises!"

GhoulSpawn: "Uh-huh."

Quaraun: "I am hungry"

GhoulSpawn: "Yep."

Quaraun: "Are you listening to me?"

GhoulSpawn: "Okay."

NARRATOR: "Quaraun grabbed a pillow and threw it at GhoulSpawn. {p} It missed the Sheep Demon completely and landed silently on the tent floor. {p} GhoulSpawn did not notice."

NARRATOR: "GhoulSpawn hadn't actually registered what it was Quaraun had said. He just had developed a habit of vocally acknowledging every time he heard Quaraun utter a sound."

NARRATOR: "Quaraun pulled out a scroll and began writing poetry. However Quaraun was not one to sit and quietly write. {p} No. Quaraun had to recite out loud as he wrote."

Quaraun: "I can not think of what to write. {p} Though I have not seen the black cat or her eels in a few hours. {p} Perhaps I should write about cats and eels. Eels and cats."

NARRATOR: "Quaraun was resting in his pink silk tent, while GhoulSpawn sat nearby quietly reading up on how to repair solar panels."

NARRATOR: "BoomFuzzy was outside, shouting orders to his Goblins who were chopping up huge sides of meat and grinding them into hamburger."

NARRATOR: "While The Goblin King himself was mixing the fresh ground meat with herbs and spices and grilling patties."

Quaraun: "I am like a cat. {p} I sit here by myself…."

Quaraun: "YES! I am like a cat!"

Quaraun: "I am like a cat. I sit here by myself, silently judging everyone, waiting for someone to feed me, and contemplating the profound indignity of existence, for what is a cat but a small furry monarch condemned to depend upon servants who frequently fail to understand the urgency of luncheon,..."

Quaraun: "... and what is a Human but a larger and considerably less graceful cat who has invented currency, warfare, agriculture, taxation, and trousers in order to disguise the fundamental truth that he too wishes only to sit somewhere warm and be fed,..."

Quaraun: "...and what is an Elf but a considerably more graceful cat who has been given too many books and consequently developed opinions about the metaphysical nature of being alone...

Quaraun: "I am like a cat. I sit here by myself..."

GhoulSpawn: "Quaraun you are not by yourself. I'm literally sitting right beside you."

Quaraun: "Stop interrupting my pontificating."

GhoulSpawn: "Okay. Whatever."

Quaraun: "I am like a cat. {p} I sit here by myself, silently judging everyone."

GhoulSpawn: "You're awfully loud for someone who's being silent. {p} You think you could actually be silently silent? I'm trying to study."

Quaraun: "Stop interrupting me. I am trying to pontificate!"

GhoulSpawn: "Why don't you go bug Boomie some more?"

Quaraun: "He told me to come bug you."

GhoulSpawn: "I know he did, but you don't have to take his words so literally."

Quaraun: "I am like a cat. {p} I sit here by myself, silently judging everyone, waiting for someone to feed me."

GhoulSpawn: "Are you hungry? Is that what all of this is about? Are you just hungry and too crazy to come out and just say you are hungry like a normal person would do?"

Quaraun: "I am NOT a normal person."

GhoulSpawn: "Boy! You can say that again!"

Quaraun: "I am NOT a normal person."

GhoulSpawn: "Quaraun! Stop taking everything so literally. Words have multiple meanings."

Quaraun: "Ah! You are referring to slang. {p} I do not use slang."

GhoulSpawn: "Yeah, I HAD noticed."

Quaraun: "I use only the correct and proper dictionary definitions of words."

GhoulSpawn: "No, actually, you don't."

Quaraun: "I am a nobleman and I refuse to lower myself to the impetuous, indignity of using slang."

GhoulSpawn: "Okay, so how'do'ya explain ya refusal to use contractions?"

Quaraun: "Contractions are a form of slang, because language is a reflection of thought, and the unnecessary mutilation of perfectly serviceable words in order to save a fraction of a second is evidence of an alarming cultural obsession with haste, and if one can not endure the additional syllable required to say 'cannot' then how can one possibly be expected to endure the vastly greater inconvenience of contemplating mortality, and this is precisely what is wrong with modern civilization, everyone is attempting to shorten everything, shortened words, shortened attention spans, shortened meals, shortened conversations, shortened lives, until eventually the entire species will communicate exclusively through grunts and hand gestures while the dead laugh at us from beneath the soil..."

GhoulSpawn: "You are talking about contractions."

Quaraun: "Yes! The worst invention Humans ever threw upon us! The utter scourge of the world!"

GhoulSpawn: "Worse then Shard fall!"

Quaraun: "YES! to shorten can not can bring about the entire collapse of society!"

GhoulSpawn: "You got from 'can't' to the collapse of civilization."

Quaraun: "It is called reasoning."

GhoulSpawn: "It's called insanity."

Quaraun: "I am not insane."

GhoulSpawn: "Says the Elf who has such a vehement hatred of contractions that his husband has taken up the habit of making triple and quadruple contractions out of words that shouldn't even be contracts, just because he's a sadistic freak who likes to listen to your have an offkilter mindfuck of a spiral into the deepest darkest depth of deranged insanity!"

Quaraun: "Contractions are a form of slang. {p} Contractions implies unintelligent…"

GhoulSpawn: "Better not let Boomie hear you saying that. He loves his contractions. And you're ten times more stupid then anyone else I know, and he's almost as smart as me."

NARRATOR: "Quaraun glared at the Sheep Demon."

GhoulSpawn: "I've never seen no one use as many contractions as he does. I kind of think he goes overboard with it, because he only does it when you're around."

Quaraun: "Yes he does and it is most annoying. Especially when you consider, that he does not use nearly as many contractions when talking to anyone other than me. I am well aware that he does it on purpose just to try to annoy me. And it works. I get so annoyed by it."

GhoulSpawn: "I can see why he's had so many spouses. Many as BlueBeard. More probably. He's not easy to get along with."

Quaraun: "Him being difficult o get along with has nothing to do with his going through spouses so quickly. He is The Elf Eater of Pepper Valley. He marries Elves so he can eat them."

GhoulSpawn: "Says the Elf who is married to him."

Quaraun: "I will have you know that our marriage has lasted three hundred years."

GhoulSpawn: "Only because he hasn't gotten bored with fucking you every ten minutes."

Quaraun: "You are so undignified."

GhoulSpawn: "He's almost as difficult to get along with as you are, y'know?"

NARRATOR: "Quaraun's eye twitched."

GhoulSpawn: "Yeah, I kinda noticed his accent and slang gets thicker and more street cockney when talking to you. {p} Y'know when you're not here, he completely loses that thick Scottish accent of his, and just talks normal to me."

GhoulSpawn: "Like, he's got hardly any accent at all when he's talking to anyone OTHER then you. {p} I kind of think he's just doing the accent just to try to annoy you."

Quaraun: "Well, I am not surprised. He is not really Scottish you know?"

GhoulSpawn: "Isn't he? He always talks about the Shetland Isles. I thought he was from there?"

Quaraun: "He is not even from Scotland!"

GhoulSpawn: "Oh. {p} Uhm… {p} So… {p} Where's he from?"

Quaraun: "He is from Papua New Guinea. Korwai Tribe. But not the Human tribe, mind you. The Phooka tribe, the Faerie tribe. They lived in the Korwai settlement with the Humans, so they got called Korwai as well. So he is not ACTUALLY Kowari either."

Quaraun: "His father was some leader's counsellor or something, it was like a military general sort of position, I think. I do not know exactly."

Quaraun: "Well, anyways, his father was an a high ranking and very important warrior, travelled a lot, a big shot who had to be at all these political diplomatic events and such, and he kept spare wives in all these other countries."

GhoulSpawn: "Spare wives in other places, that's never good. Been there, done that. There are so many husbands who want me dead."

Quaraun: "Yes, well you do not marry any of the wives you sleep with. No, what I am talking about is different."

Quaraun: "Unicorn's father was a bigamist. He was married to all these women but he kept it secret because they were all Humans and Faerie laws forbid Faeries from marrying Humans."

GhoulSpawn: "They do?"

Quaraun: "Yes. Interracial marriage is strictly prohibited in traditional Faerie law. {p} And it still is in laws of the Seelie Court."

GhoulSpawn: "But not UnSeelie?"

Quaraun: "No. Unicorn did away with such laws when he took over. It was one of the first things he did upon becoming King."

Quaraun: "See. Most of Unicorn's spouses have been nonFae. In fact most have been either Elves or Humans"

GhoulSpawn: "How many spouses has he had?"

Quaraun: "Hundreds. Never more than one at once. But he has been King for over two thousand years now, and most of his spouses were Humans, so he had not had many marriages which lasted more than fifty years."

GhoulSpawn: "So, that means he's been married to you longer then anyone else?"

Quaraun: "Yes. We was together thirty years before he died. Separated for a hundred years while I searched for his soul. And together three hundred years, since resurrecting him as a Lich."

Quaraun: "But stop interrupting me."

Quaraun: "His father had all these wives. And one of them was pregnant and went to Papua New Guinea trying to find him. Could not find him. Did not know where to look."

Quaraun: "She ended up in the Sepik River Valley. Flood season. Monsoon season. Gave birth in the wilds. Ended up with the Chimbu Tribe by the big volcano."

Quaraun: "They took her and the baby in and eventually figured out who it was she was looking for. So she finally gets to the Korwai settlement in the Highlands, and he is not happy to see her."

Quaraun: "Because it turns out he has this other wife, who did not know about the wives he had in all these other places."

Quaraun: "Now this was around 2516, because Unicorn was nine years old when the Comet Strike happened and the Comet Strike happened in 2525."

Quaraun: "So, he already had this other wife, but she could not have children so she convinced her husband to keep the secret wife on as their servant so that the infertile wife could raise the baby as her own. But then when Unicorn was a toddler, she got pregnant with her own baby, so suddenly she no longer wanted the illegitimate half-blood baby around…"

GhoulSpawn: "Half-blood?"

Quaraun: "... {p} You are interrupting me again."

GhoulSpawn: "Uhm… {p} yeah, because, y'know… {p} uhm… maybe you could clarify what you mean by {i} half-blood {/i}?"

Quaraun: "..."

GhoulSpawn: "I'm really not trying to insult you, Quaraun. {p} It's just that you just called BoomFuzzy an illegitimate half-blood baby, and I'm not sure what exactly that means?"

Quaraun: "His mother was a Human. She was Mongolian. She travelled all the way across China and then crossed the ocean, while pregnant, to try to find her baby's father."

GhoulSpawn: "Wait… really? So you're saying BoomFuzzy is not really a Faerie? He's ... half Human? Wait.. what are half-Fae even called?"

Quaraun: "Half Humans are not uncommon among the Fae, given most Faeries are born male, there are simply not enough female Fae to go around, so most male Fae breed with female Humans, it is very common."

Quaraun: " And. Let us see? Changeling is the correct term for a child who has a Human mother and a Faerie father."

GhoulSpawn: "So, BoomFuzzy's a Changeling?"

Quaraun: "Yes."

GhoulSpawn: "I didn't know that. {p} Yeah, I, uhm, I kind of just assumed he was like a full blooded Faerie, what with him being King of the Faeries and all that."

Quaraun: "He was not born royalty. I was born royalty. My father was a regional King of the Moon Elves and his older brother was the Grand High Emperor over all Elves of all types in all regions. I am the last Moon Elf, and possibly the last full blooded Elf. It has been decades since we last encountered anything but half Elves like yourself, and even you half-Elves are rare, so I am losing hope of finding any other pure blooded Elves like myself."

GhoulSpawn: "Y'know, I keep forgetting my mother was an Elf."

Quaraun: "You are royalty, Glinta. Your mother was a Sun Elf princess. I met her once. It was several years before you was born. She would have been the Elf Queen, had she not died so young. Even with your sheep features inherited from your Demon father, you bear an uncanny resemblance to your Elven mother. You focus too much on your ram horns, cloven hooves, and floppy lamb ears, when you should be remembering your royal blood. You were born to be a King in the Seelie Court."

GhoulSpawn: "And here I am a servant in the UnSeelie Court."

Quaraun: "You Glinta, are not a servant, nor should you think of yourself as one. You sleep in the bed of the King."

GhoulSpawn: "I kind of think he sleeps in YOUR bed. {p} I don't think I've ever seen him sleep in his own tent. {p} Heck, half the time he doesn't even set up his own tent."

Quaraun: "Regardless of who owns the bed, you are still sleeping with the King."

GhoulSpawn: "Haha! {p} Quaraun, you act like sleeping with the King makes me part of the family. It just makes me his male prostitute."

NARRATOR: "Speaking of King Gwallmaiic, Lich Lord of Fire Mountain, Elf Eater of Pepper Valley, King of the UnSeelie Court… he happened to walk into the tent at that exact moment…"

BoomFuzzy: "Ghoulie, did you know that not stabbing someone, when you really want to, is a sign of successful adulting? Hmm?"

GhoulSpawn: "Are you saying you want to stab me?"

BoomFuzzy: "You said it not me. {p} However, if ya wanted to get technical about it, I feel like wringing your neck would be very conducive to my mental health."

GhoulSpawn: "I think you're using the word conducive incorrectly."

BoomFuzzy: "I think you're proving my point. But I'll ignore it for the moment."

GhoulSpawn: “You ignore everything.”

BoomFuzzy: “No. I ignore YOU. For the sake of my Elf. {p} My Elf likes you. I tolerate you on his behalf. And you talk back to me constantly.”

GhoulSpawn: “I don’t talk...”

BoomFuzzy: “You are doing it right now.”

NARRATOR: “GhoulSpawn fell silent. A rare thing indeed.”

Quaraun: “Glinta, it will serve you well to learn proper manners, especially when addressing your leader.”

GhoulSpawn: “He is your King not mine. I don’t belong here. I want to go home.”

Quaraun: “Glinta, this is your home now. We love you and want you to stay.”

GhoulSpawn: “He hates me.”

BoomFuzzy: "I am the Alpha. Neither hating you nor loving you is in my job description.”

GhoulSpawn: “I am so sick of all of this. You are an Alpha. He’s an Omega. I don’t even know what that means. No body talks like that where I come from!”

BoomFuzzy: “You don't have Alphas where you come from. I can tell by how you act around me. {p} The bull shit you think you can get away with. You are not Quaraun. You do not have the same allowances he does."

BoomFuzzy: "He has saved my life, time and time again. Many times before he knew who I was. and many times more after he did. {p} And always much to the detriment of his own health, his own safety. {p} I trust him, to never hurt me."

BoomFuzzy: "I trust him to never become a traitor. But I have no reason to trust you. You are a coward. To my mind, you are a liability. You are mentally weak. In spite of your massive size and physical strength, I wouldn't trust you to lift a finger to help anyone but yourself."

BoomFuzzy: "But my Elf trusts you. I don't know why, nor do I ask. He personally requested you to be his lab assistant. For all his whining and pettiness, he's never asked for anything from me. He knows his place. {p} Goat, you are only here, in my Court, because HE asks you to be."

GhoulSpawn: "I'm a Sheep."

BoomFuzzy: "Aye. And stupid like one too. For all your book smarts and high intellect, ya ain't got no street smarts, ya ain't got no common sense. And ya don't know enough to not talk back to your Alpha."

GhoulSpawn: "I do not understand your Alpha hierarchy. We don't use it where I come from. And I'm an America. We don't have a king."

BoomFuzzy: "Your America is gone. It ceased to exist twenty thousand years ago. Look around you. This place, where we are right now. You would have called it Boston. {p} See anything you recognize? {p} Your world is two miles deep, below the roots of these thousand year old trees."

BoomFuzzy: "Your world is gone. if we can find a way to send you back, we will. {p} But I don't think it's possible. And for the time being you are stuck with us. You get leniency because I realize you don't understand your situation. {p} You're an Alpha. For some reason your Alpha soul has been repressed."

BoomFuzzy: "You're a powerful Alpha, I can smell it. But your soul is broken, crushed, repressed, so you act submissive like a Beta. But some day that Alpha in you is going to wake up, and I want you on my side when it does. {p} So I grant my Elf his request and let him keep you as his apprentice."

BoomFuzzy: "Don't take for granted, the fact that you sleep in my bed. {p} Cross me, and I won't think twice about making a shepherd's pie with your your flesh as the lamb chops."

Quaraun: "Unicorn? Are there any hamburgers made yet?"

BoomFuzzy: "There are. {p} You want one?"

Quaraun: "Yes. {p} They smell delicious. Can I have an entire plate?"

GhoulSpawn: "???"

BoomFuzzy: "You most certainly can. {p} I'll have one of my Goblins bring it in for you."

Quaraun: "Thank you! {p} Love you!"

BoomFuzzy: "Love you too, Love. Do you need anything else before I leave? Or you good here gossiping about me with the Goat?"

GhoulSpawn: "I'm a sheep."

BoomFuzzy: "Be glad you're not a hamburger, right now."

GhoulSpawn: "???...???"

Quaraun: "I'm good. {p} Oh! No. wait! {p} The kits have never had brains. They are very excited to taste their first brains..."

GhoulSpawn: "???"

Quaraun: "Unicorn? Are there any brains ready to eat yet?"

BoomFuzzy: "Not yet, Love. {p} It takes a few days to make 'em the way you like 'em. They have to soak in the marinade at least two or three days."

GhoulSpawn: "I'm confused..."

Quaraun: "About what?"

GhoulSpawn: "Uhm... about..."

BoomFuzzy: "I don't have time to chit chat. {p} I told the kids I was going to meet them at the judging tents."

BoomFuzzy: "I just came in to let you know I leaving the Goblins to run the food truck and heading to the food tents."

BoomFuzzy: "So if you need me, that's where I'll be for the next hour or two. And about a dozen or so of the kids are going to be there with me."

BoomFuzzy: "I should have the afternoon off, we can do something after that."

NARRATOR: "Without waiting for an answer, the King exited the tent, leaving Quaraun and GhoulSpawn alone again."

NARRATOR: "A few minutes later one of the King's Goblin souse chefs came trotting in, carrying a giant plate of hamburgers and gave it to Quaraun, who immediately set out to greedily eating them."

GhoulSpawn: "??? {p} ... uhm... {p} Quaraun?"

Quaraun: "Yep, that is my name."

GhoulSpawn: "Uhm... yeah... uhm... {p} Can I ask you a question?"

Quaraun: "Always, Glinta. I am here to teach you our ways."

GhoulSpawn: "Uhm... yeah... okay... {p} uhm... {p} I thought you were a vegetarian?"

Quaraun: "I am. {p} I am an Elf. {p} I never eat animals."

GhoulSpawn: "Uhm... do you not know what hamburger is?"

NARRATOR: "Quaraun stopped eating. {p} Stared at GhoulSpawn. {p} Stared at the hamburger. {p} Stared back at GhoulSpawn."

Quaraun: "Glinta, we are in a zombie apocalypse, and I am The Pink Necromancer!"

GhoulSpawn: "Uhm... {p} ??? {p} Okay? {p} But does that answer my question?"

Quaraun: "I think... {p} Yes... {p} Yes, it does.”

GhoulSpawn: “...”

Quaraun: “...”

GhoulSpawn: “Uhm... how... how exactly does that answer my question?”

Quaraun: “How does it not?”

GhoulSpawn: “I asked you if you knew what hamburgers were made out of. You who are a vegetarian, a very vocal animal rights activist vegetarian, and are right now scarffing down a dozen hamburgers, that BoomFuzzy just got done grilling out there.”

Quaraun: “Are the vendors gone?”

NARRATOR: “GhoulSpawn got up, looked out the ten flap, then returned to sit beside Quaraun again.”

GhoulSpawn: “Yep. Don’t see ‘em out here no more.”

Quaraun: “Well, then, that’s that.”

NARRATOR: “Quaraun returned to eating his plate of hamburgers.”

GhoulSpawn: “What’s what? Quaraun, you’re not making sense.”

Quaraun: “Where do you suppose the vendors went?”

GhoulSpawn: “I don’t know. Back to their sales booths?”

Quaraun: “You silly billy goat.”

GhoulSpawn: “I’m a Sheep.”

Quaraun: “It has not sunk in yet that we live in a zombie apocalypse, has it? {p} You do not understand what that means do you?"

GhoulSpawn: "Uhm... yeah... I keep forgetting I'm not in the 1970s anymore."

Quaraun "You are twenty-thousand years into the future of your 1970s era. {p} There are only seven million Humans left on the planet."

Quaraun: "The world is ruled by a Lich King. And we UnDead total twenty one billion."

GhoulSpawn: "Yes... that... that takes getting used to. {p} But I don't think it answers my question."

NARRATOR: "Quaraun stared blankly at GhoulSpawn, though his cold dead eyes, waiting as if he expected the Uruisg to understand what he had implied. But seeing that GhoulSpawn was oblivious to the norms of a zombie apocalypse he spoke again."

Quaraun: “Glinta, have you no understanding what happened to you when HellBorne attacked?”

GhoulSpawn: “No really. Most of the end there was kind of a blur. I think I got hit on the head pretty hard.”

Quaraun: “You were HellBorne’s apprentice, yes?”

GhoulSpawn: “I was. Until you killed him. And took everything he had, his lighthouse, his bio dome, including me, his apprentice.”

Quaraun: “Are you disappointed by this? {p} Were you not trying to escape from him?”

GhoulSpawn: “He was The Summoner of Darkness. That’s what he called himself. Believed he was going to usher in The Darkness.”

Quaraun: “And I am The Darkness he summoned.”

GhoulSpawn: “I know.”

Quaraun: “I do not belong in this world either, you know. None of us belong here. {p} HellBorne built portals all over the place. He was a powerful wizard. But not powerful enough. He knew how to open portals. {p} He brought you here from you timeline, and us here from ours.”

Quaraun: “He was going to use you to kill us. Except you can not kill what is already dead. He did not account for that. {p} Nor did he account for you turning on him and trying to save my life.”

GhoulSpawn: “What he was doing was wrong. He had to be stopped.”

Quaraun: “That is why Unicorn does not trust you. HellBorne trusted you and you became a traitor who turned on him. And he killed you for it.”

GhoulSpawn: “...”

Quaraun: “You spent a long time in The Swamp of Death. {p} I brought you back from here, just like I bought The Elf eater back from there.”

GhoulSpawn: “What does this have to do with hamburgers?”

Quaraun: “HellBorne was The Summoner of The Darkness, and I am The Darkness he summoned. {p} Before I can figure out how to send how to send you back to your correct timeline, I must figure out how to send, myself, my King, and his UnSeelie Court back to our correct timeline. {p} You are from the 1970s, Maine. I am from 800s Persia. And King Gwallmaiic is from 2525 Scotland. {p} And here all of us sit in 39,999 Boston.”

GhoulSpawn: “Okay. But what does this have to do with hamburgers?”

Quaraun: “Do you know why people of this time, referred to me as The Darkness?”

GhoulSpawn: “No.”

Quaraun: “When I was a child, only three years old, an older child from the Moon Elf Village, of Ivujivik, bullied me. {p} I turned around, pointed my finger, and said one word ‘DIE!’, and he very obediently did. {p} All the Elves became terrified of me. My father tried to kill me. He said I was Thullid possessed.”

GhoulSpawn: “Aren’t you?”

Quaraun: “Yes. But no one knew that then. {p} Several more Elflings from the village, went missing over the years after. I was blamed. {p} When I was 9, he tried to kill me again. My mother tried to stop him, and the rock that was meant for my head, shattered her skull instead.”

Quaraun: “But there was no brain in her head. A white JellyFish came out instead. {p} He went mad. Ripped my mother apart, then as the JellyFish tried to crawl away. Then he turned on the JellyFish, stamped her into the ground with his feet, till she was nothing but a pile of goo.”

Quaraun: “I saw the whole thing. Then he turned on me. About to do to me, what he had done to her. But The High Priest ZooLock entered the room just then, saw what was going on, grabbed me and ran. He fled the country, crossed the ocean, crossed the desert, all the way to Persia.”

Quaraun: “Then he changed my name from Rapunzel to Quaraun, made me pretend to be a boy, told people I was his son, and raised me with the Wizards of the Di’Jinn Order. And lived with them for decades. Until I was 75 years old, and a herd of black Shetland Ponies, arrived across the Desert of the Di’Jinn. Led by a tiny purple Unicorn with a gleaming silver horn. Phookas in disguise. The Elf Eater and his Army.”

Quaraun: “Humans from the marshes, tried to catch the Unicorn. They put out traps made of silver nets and one day they caught him. Broke his legs, sawed off his horn, and left him to die in the Tigris River. I nursed him back to health, and he swore he’d never eat me, the Elf who saved his life.”

Quaraun: “But then the Di’Jinn found out, and one day, they went down to the river before me and they killed all the horses. The Unicorn was still incapacitated by his injuries, and blind from old age. They tortured him. But kept him alive until I arrived. They wanted to kill him while I watched. But they did not know the obediently dead Elf children from so long ago.”

Quaraun: “I arrived at the river with food for the horse, but all the horses were dead, and the Unicorn lay in the sand with his throat slit and the Di’Jinn standing over him. Laughing. And telling me I was a fool, for being an Elf and helping The Elf Eater.”

Quaraun: “They raised their daggers to strike the final blow and kill the Unicorn. And I told them to die. And they did. Every last one of them. Except for ZooLock, who was not with them. They not only died, they vaporized. Their flesh turned to ash. Their blackened bones crumbled in the sand.”

Quaraun: “The Unicorn was terrified. And dying. I took him back to my tent, and mended his wounds. And after he recovered, I let him go. I was a female virgin then. According to legend, only the tears of a virgin can heal a Unicorn, and only a virgin can tame a Unicorn.”

GhoulSpawn: “That was BoomFuzzy.”

Quaraun: “Yes. It was several years before I saw him again. Gibedon, his second in command, was a traitor. He lusted for the throne. Married the King, then plotted to kill him and crown himself king.”

NARRATOR: “Quaraun pulled a severed head from his pink silk bag of holding.”

Quaraun: “But I found out what Gibedon was planning, and I loved the Unicorn, I was not going to let any one kill him. So I cut off Gibedon’s head.”

Quaraun: “When BoomFuzzy died, it was by his own hand. Three months after Gibedon’s death. BoomFuzzy loved Gibedon. BoomFuzzy was devastated by his husband’s treachery. He had been so in love with Gibedon, that he had not seen any of the warning signs of Gibedon’s plot to kill him.”

Quaraun: “BoomFuzzy was still alive when I found him. He made a corrosive poison and put it in his own food. I do not think he realized what it would do to him, or how long his would take him to die. It dissolved his organs. His heart. His lungs. He drowned in his own blood. But it took it three days to happened. He died in agony. I could not save him. He died in my arms.”

Quaraun: “I froze his body, then went looking for a way to bring him back. Every where I went, every one told me, magic was not real. But I knew t was. Because I knew if I could think people dead, I could think people alive too.”

Quaraun: “On the one hundredth anniversary of his death, the Elves all gathered for a big celebration. A huge party, celebrating one hundred years without the Elf Eater. His death brought them so much joy and it filled me with so much hate. And then it happened...”

Quaraun: “Shard Fall. The first one. Huge chunks of blue crystal, fell from the sky, and every Elf at the party, was skewered by them. Every Elf with a frozen crystal stabbed straight through their heart. And one went through BoomFuzzy’s ice casket freezer. And while they killed every one else. The crystal shard brought him back to life.”

Quaraun: “And then, all the dead rose up. Every man, woman, child, bird, beast, insect, even the dead trees walked out of the swamps, dead rose snapped to life out of vases, dinosaurs fossils walked out of museums, as did mummies, and they all came to me.”

Quaraun: “Every dead thing to ever die, twenty one billion dead things, woke up, and followed me.”

Quaraun: “And for the longest time, I did not know why.”

Quaraun: “I ate the Moon Elves. Every last one. I do not know why I ate them. It was not part of the plan. But seeing them there. So dead. There brains oozing out, so tasty. I ate them. And then I left the Moon Elf Village, and became a wandering merchant. {p} And every where I went the dead followed.”

Quaraun: “Every last Moon Elf died that day. All of them. {p} Do you know what that means?”

GhoulSpawn: “... {p} uhm {p} ... {p} that you’re insane like everyone says?”

Quaraun: “ALL the Moon Elves died that day. But only one walked out of the village. Me. After eating all the rest. And from that day forward, all the dead follow me. Every where I go.”

GhoulSpawn: “Uhm... sooo... {p} What does this have to do with hamburgers?”

Quaraun: “You wanted to know how I, a vegetarian came to eat hamburgers.”

GhoulSpawn: “Yep. That was my question. Still not sure how anything you just said, answered that though.”

Quaraun: “You are assuming that these grilled patties, slathered in ketchup, are made of cows. Yes?”

GhoulSpawn: “That’s usually what hamburgers are made out of, yeah.”

Quaraun: “These hamburgers are not made out of cows.”

GhoulSpawn: “Then what are they made out of?”

NARRATOR: “Quaraun glanced at the tent’s door flap where GhoulSpawn had just checked to see if the vendors were still tied up to BoomFuzzy’s chopping block, then shook his head.”

Quaraun: “Glinta, do you not know what I am?”

GhoulSpawn: “You’re a Moon Elf.”

Quaraun: “Yes, but the Moon Elves went extinct during the first Shard Fall. {p} ALL the Moon Elves died that day. {p} Glinta, what is my husband?”

GhoulSpawn: “A psychotic Faerie Chef turned King who likes to shapeshift into a Unicorn”

Quaraun: "Ah. I think I see the problem. {p} Glinta, I am the Sacred Pink JellyFish. I am a Thullid who lives in the hollowed out skull of this dead Elf's corpse. {p} ALL the Moon Elves are dead. Glinta. ALL of them. Even me."

GhoulSpawn: "..."

Quaraun: "My husband is the Lich King. That means he is dead too. Glinta. We are both dead. I am dead. My husband is dead. {p} We are zombies. Both of us. {p} We eat Humans. Because we are zombies, and eating Humans is what zombies do."

GhoulSpawn: "..."

Quaraun: "I am also a necromancer and I have summoned millions of zombies in a massive horde, to surround the entire outer perimeter of this region. {p} No one who enters the fairgrounds is able to leave."

Quaraun: "They will try of course, but my zombies have every road blocked off. And Boomie's Goblins are waiting. {p} No one who enters the fairgrounds is able to leave."

GhoulSpawn: "Uhm... so... {p} what... what... {p} What's the hamburger made out of again?"

Quaraun: "Humans."

GhoulSpawn: "Humans?"

Quaraun: "Humans. {p} Everyone who left the fairgrounds last night. {p} They're all dead."

GhoulSpawn: "Everyone?"

NARRATOR: "Quaraun went back to eating his hamburgers."

Quaraun: "Every last one. {p} There is such a huge turn out this year. {p} One of the best harvests we have ever had."

GhoulSpawn: "You're... eating... Human-burgers?"

Quaraun: "Bingo! {p} See? You can be taught in our ways."

GhoulSpawn: "You're cannibals?"

Quaraun: "Oh! No! I never eat Elves. {p} Well, not any more. I did eat the Moon Elves, but that was special circumstances."

GhoulSpawn: "What about Boomie?"

Quaraun: "What about him?"

GhoulSpawn: "Is he a cannibal?"

Quaraun: "He is The Elf Eater of Pepper Valley! {p} He is legendary for eating Elves. But he is not himself an Elf. He does not eat his own kind. He never eats Faeries."

GhoulSpawn: "But I thought... {p} He said... {p} Uhm... {p} He said it was just one family of Elves and there was like reasons and stuff..."

Quaraun: "He told you what he did BEFORE he died! {p} BEFORE he died, yes, it was just one family of Elves."

GhoulSpawn: "Oh... uhm..."

Quaraun: "Glinta, have you heard nothing either of us has ever said to you? {p} You have been living with us for three years now."

GhoulSpawn: "Has it been three years?"

Quaraun: "Yes. HellBorne killed you three years ago."

GhoulSpawn: "Killed me? {p} ... {p} I'm not dead."

Quaraun: "That is what we all think in the beginning. {p} When I ate the Moon Elves, I did not know I was dead. And after I ate them, I wandered with Shambling Dead for years, until I fell into The Swamp of Death, and BoomFuzzy was there and helped me to awaken from the mindless shambling.”

Quaraun: “Now I live again. I walk among the living, my flesh not rotted, my skin still beautiful. We are the living dead. Me. Unicorn. You. We are different from those long dead, because each of the three of us was flash frozen immediately up taking out last breath, and for some reason, whatever it is that causes other zombies to rot, become maggot infested, and have no will or thoughts of their own, for some reason, freezing immediately upon death, alters the zombification, makes us Liches.”

GhoulSpawn: “You’re saying I’m a Lich? Like, I knew BoomFuzzy was a Lich, and FarDarrig, and Harvey, and Satan Claws, and I think I kind of suspected you was some part Lich or something, but... uhm... you’re saying I’m a Lich too?”

Quaraun: “Yes. A Lich is a zombie that retains its life like appearance and can walk among the living undetected. {p} It is why I can not let you go out there with the zombie herds. {p} You will become a shambling mindless undead, like they are."

Quaraun: "I can not let that happen. {p} You are special."

GhoulSpawn: "I am?"

Quaraun: "Yes!"

Quaraun: "The High Priest ZooLock was there when you died, and he implanted a JellyFish in your skull seconds after HellBorne killed you. {p} He was quick enough that your brain activity was revived and absorbed by the JellyFish."

Quaraun: "You are a Thullid, just like me. {p} And thus you can never leave."

GhoulSpawn: "I'm dead?"

Quaraun: "Yes, Glinta. {p} We all are. {p} Everyone in The UnSeelie Court is dead. {p} You would not be able to travel with us if you were alive. {p} Why do you think the zombie herds travel behind us? {p} We are leading them into the Human settlements."

GhoulSpawn: "You're dead?"

Quaraun: "Glinta, I just told you. {p} I am the Sacred Pink JellyFish. {p} I am a Thullid who lives in the hollowed out skull of this dead Elf's corpse."

Quaraun: "The Elf named Quaraun died centuries ago. {p} I wear his body because he is beautiful. {p} Look at him! He is beautiful!"

GhoulSpawn: "You're a zombie... you're some kind of mutated intelligent zombie, wearing a dead Elf's skin as though he were a fur coat."

Quaraun: "YES! {p} FINALLY! You understand!"

GhoulSpawn: "That BoomFuzzy's also a zombie?"

Quaraun: "Glinta, do you not know what a Lich is?"

GhoulSpawn: "Uhm... I... uhm...oh... wait... I used to play table top role playing games, and Liches are usually wizards who commit suicide during a spell ritual that turned them into super intelligent zombies."

GhoulSpawn: "A Lich is a hyper intelligent zombie. {p} BoomFuzzy's a Lich. {p} That means BoomFuzzy is a zombie. {p} Why didn't I ever notice that before?"

Quaraun: "Glinta, I am The Pink Necromancer! All UnDead follow me! {p} My BoomFuzzy the Unicorn is King Gwallmaiic, Lich King of Fire Mountain. Liches are the Lords of the zombies. Ruler of the zombies."

GhoulSpawn: "Sooo... He's a zombie."

Quaraun: "A very intelligent zombie."

GhoulSpawn: "And the Goblins?"

Quaraun: "EVERYONE is the UnSeelie Court is DEAD. {p} You can not become a part of the UnSeelie Court UNLESS you first DIE!"

GhoulSpawn: "So, all the Goblins are zombies too?"

Quaraun: "Yes."

GhoulSpawn: "What exactly is the definition of a zombie?"

Quaraun: "A zombie is a dead thing that eats Human flesh, and especially has a taste for Human brain. Mmmm. Luscious."

NARRATOR: "GhoulSpawn was trying to think of both how to process this information and what questions he should think of to ask next, but just then Quaraun stood up and announced..."

Quaraun: "I need to pee."

GhoulSpawn: "Uhm…okay? {p} Is there a reason why you are telling me? Instead of, y'know, just getting up and going to the bathroom, like a normal person?"

Quaraun: "Do I look like a normal person to you?"

GhoulSpawn: "You're right. {p} Silly me for forgetting you, of all people, weren't normal, especially after just telling me you are a zombie."

Quaraun: "What is that supposed mean?"

GhoulSpawn: "I'm just agreeing with you, Quaraun."

Quaraun: "I hate Human bathrooms. {p} Plus I always have such a strong desire to kill every Human I see and just devour their brains, and we are trying to keep a low profile."

Quaraun: "Do you have any idea how hard it is to capture Humans once they realize their are zombies in their midsts? {p} They start driving spears and bullets through our brains, like they think that's going to do anything..."

GhoulSpawn: "Won't it?"

Quaraun: "Of course not. I do not have a brain, remember? {p} And neither, dear boy, do you. {p} You are one of us wither you want to believe it or not."

GhoulSpawn: "So all those times you said I couldn't go outside of the camp because it's a zombie apocalypse and I'd get killed... {p} you weren't talking about zombies eating me..."

GhoulSpawn: "You were suggesting Humans were going to shoot me in the head with a silver bullet?"

Quaraun: "Yes!"

GhoulSpawn: "But, if it doesn't hurt you, why would it hurt me?"

Quaraun: "Glinta, you've only been with us three years, the jellyfish has not had time to fully absorb ALL of your brain yet. {p} It takes about ten years for the process to complete."

Quaraun: "It was WHY I had to wait ten years before killing the first four children. {p} It was my first time trying to nurture a polyp, and they did not integrate into the Elflings' brains properly. {p} I loved my children, but I loved BoomFuzzy more."

GhoulSpawn: “You killed them. That’s what everyone says. You murdered your wife and children.”

Quaraun: “She was not my wife. She was my sister. The wedding was a scam. And I was a prisoner, locked in a tower, growing out my hair, so I could escape. In love with the blind Faerie King, who climbed my hair to reach the tower room at the top.”

Quaraun: “The stories people tell is a lie. Rapunzel in her tower. She was me. I was her!It is why I changed my name. What do the stories say? The stories say my mother stole radishes from a witch, and I was an only child, that the witch killed my parents and locked me in a tower. Then cut out the eyes of my prince charming. Then banished me to a desert, where I gave birth twins.”

Quaraun: “ {i} *sigh* {/i} “

Quaraun: “The truth, The Grand High Emperor favoured me and made me his heir. I was to be Queen over all the Elves.”

Quaraun: “My father shaved my head, locked me in the tower, had my sister pretend to be the heir, forced me to pretend to be a younger brother, forced us to marry, cut off my breasts so I would look more male, sliced my penis lengthwise in two so I could produce an heir out of their control, then her haram of five lovers were sent to the tower to rape me every night, until I became pregnant.”

Quaraun: “The first pregnancy was twin girls. Ruby and Sapphire. The second pregnancy was twin boys, Opal and Diamond.”

GhoulSpawn: “The four zombie children who follow us.”

Quaraun: “Yes. Ruby. The zombie child who made a deal with The RiverBoat Man Woman of Stix. She was the first zombie.”

Quaraun: “I loved my children. Mother loves all her children. Mother’s ever loving tentacles yearn for all her children.”

Quaraun: “My father and that vile evil she-Elf who locked me in that tower and hire those Elves to rape me. Imprisoned my whole pregnancy and then they took my children so as they were born. {p} That is the true story Rapunzel. Not the stupid fairy tales.”

Quaraun: “The pregnancy caused my hair to grow. It just grew and grew. Fourteen feet long. I’ve never cut it since. I loved my children. I did not want to kill them.”

Quaraun: “She took my babies and pretended they were hers, pretended she gave birth, raised them like they were hers. Flaunted them in front of me. Convinced everyone in the village that she was their mother and I was their father.”

Quaraun: “And she hated them. Despised them. Used them to spite me. Let me help in their care, so she could hurt me, my raising them to hate BoomFuzzy, to curse his name, to sing songs in praises of his death.”

Quaraun: “I could not be that person any more. After the first Shard Fall, I never used the name Rapunzel again. And I’ve lived as a male ever since.”

Quaraun: “I will never be Rapunzel again. She was weak. She not have the emotional strength to stand up for herself. I am not her any more. And I will never again be taken advantage of.”

Quaraun: “And I will never again hurt another child. {p} I regret so much killing them.”

Quaraun: “I could not take i any more. On the eve of the celebration of BoomFuzzy’s death, I gave them the same poisoned chocolates BoomFuzzy had used to kill himself, and when the poison overcame them with sleep, I cut out their hearts, before the poison had a chance to dissolve their organs as it had done BoomFuzzy’s.”

Quaraun: "I had to kill them and start over, which was terrible, because I loved those ones. They were so perfect.”

Quaraun: “I tried to bring them back. But they came back as rotting maggot filled shamblers. {p} They were not flawlessly lifelike and intelligent like my Unicorn. {p} I did not know about the flash freezing with Shard Fall Crystals back then."

GhoulSpawn: "You're like Dr. Frankingstien."

Quaraun: "YES! {p} You get it! {p} I took so much inspiration from Dr. Frankinstien's notes. {p} His secretary, Mary, was very thorough in her note taking."

GhoulSpawn: "You don't know that was a fiction novel, do you?"

Quaraun: "But, H.P.Lovecraft was much better at taking notes."

GhoulSpawn: "I'll bet. {p} I suppose it wouldn't do any good for me to tell you he was a fiction author too."

Quaraun: "You are my finest creation since Unicorn. {p} We MUST protect you from the Humans. {p} They must never damage your perfect brain or all my work will be for nothing!"

GhoulSpawn: "I can defiantly see why every one calls you Quaraun {i} the Insane {/i} instead of just Quaraun or even The Pink Necromancer."

Quaraun: "I need to pee"

GhoulSpawn: "Okay. {p} Is there something you want me to do about it? {p} I don't get why you are telling me. {p} Do you need help with it or something?"

Quaraun: "I need to pee, and I am so hungry for Human brains right now. {p} I need you to go with me to make sure I do not blow our cover by eating a Human on my way to the bathroom."

GhoulSpawn: "Okay. But, I'm not sure what good I'll be."

Quaraun: "Humans ask questions."

GhoulSpawn: "Yep, they do that for sure."

Quaraun: "You are not understanding me."

GhoulSpawn: "Uhm… {p} … {p} ??? {p} … {p} ...okay? {p} I kind of don't know whatcha want me to understand."

Quaraun: "Come with me. {p} You shall see."

NARRATOR: "A few moments later, Quaraun and GhoulSpawn stood outside the campground's public restrooms. {p} There were two wooden buildings. {p} One marked {i} Bucks {/i} , the other marked {i} Does {/i} ."

NARRATOR: "Each building looked to have four or five toilets as was typical of restroom buildings at most campgrounds found throughout New England. {p} Between the two buildings stood a little guard house. A fairgrounds security guard sat in a lawn chair casually reading a book."

Quaraun: "See?"

GhoulSpawn: "Uhm… I'm not sure what it is I'm suppose to be noticing here. {p} It just looks like an ordinary rest stop. {p} What are you wanting me to see?"

Quaraun: "Watch."

NARRATOR: "Quaraun walked up to a bathroom door, and just as he reached for the doorknob, immediately the security grabbed his arm."

Officer: "You can not go in there."

Quaraun: "Why not?"

Officer: "This is the woman's bathroom. {p} Men's is over there."

Quaraun: "I need THIS bathroom."

Officer: "I'm sorry sir, but there are rules…"

Quaraun: "Fuck your rules. {p} I need to pee and I want to eat your brain! {p} Unhand me you filthy Beta!"

GhoulSpawn: "Uhm…Quaraun? {p} Maybe just use the other bathroom?"

Quaraun: "Can you see the problem, NOW?"

GhoulSpawn: "I…uhm… yeah… but isn't the solution just to use the other bathroom?"

Quaraun: "Men's bathrooms are not equipped with the hygiene products that I need. {p} I have not had bottom surgery. I still have a vagina! I need the hygiene products in the female bathroom. {p} They only put them in the women's bathroom."

Officer: "...???... {p} What's going on here?"

GhoulSpawn: "He's pregnant."

Officer: "What… {p} how… {p} what?"

GhoulSpawn: "It's complicated. {p} Uhm... damn is is more complicated then I thought."

Officer: "You transgender?"

Quaraun: "I am not…"

GhoulSpawn: "He's intersex."

Quaraun: "That's not…"

GhoulSpawn: "It's the easiest way to explain it to a Human, in words they will actually understand."

Quaraun: "I am an Omega."

Officer: "What's that?"

GhoulSpawn: "Hermaphrodite. {p} It means hermaphrodite. He means he's a…"

Officer: "So, what, you like, got both…"

Quaraun: "Dick, balls, vagina, uterus, ovaries, and right now, at least a half dozen kits kicking my bladder."

Officer: "Kits? What's a kit?"

GhoulSpawn: "Babies. {p} A whole litter of them. He’s like a JellyFish Rabbit Hybrid thing so he gives birth to huge litters of kits, like a rabbit does... {p}... boy am I realizing how crazy I sound saying that... what kind of a world am I even in?

Officer: “He's pregnant…”

GhoulSpawn: “Yes.”

Officer: “Are you the father?”

GhoulSpawn: “God, I hope not. His husband tried to cut my head off last time I got him pregnant!”

Officer: “You got him pregnant before?”

GhoulSpawn: “Yes.”

Officer: “And his husband tried to kill you because of it?”

GhoulSpawn: “Yes.”

Officer: “And you didn’t learn your lesson, so he might be pregnant by you again?”

GhoulSpawn: “Uhm... {p} ... {p} you’re right. I’m stupid. He’s insane...”

Quaraun: “I am not insane.”

GhoulSpawn: “...and his husband’s crazy! I don’t know why I’m sleeping with either of them. What is wrong with me?”

Quaraun: “Alpha pheromones do that. Everyone wants to have sex with my husband. He has the most aphrodisiac pheromones of any Alpha on the planet...”

Officer: “What’s an Alpha?”

Quaraun: “...and he has two penises.”

GhoulSpawn: “... uhm… Quaraun? Do you know who the father is?"

Quaraun: "Possibly you. These kits kick like they got hooves."

GhoulSpawn: "Great. BoomFuzzy's gonna kill me."

Quaraun: "You sound horrified."

GhoulSpawn: "I am. {p} BoomFuzzy hasn't forgiven me yet for the last time I got you pregnant."

Quaraun: "Maybe the solution would be to stop getting me pregnant."

GhoulSpawn: "You say that like it's all my fault."

Quaraun: "If you got me pregnant, then it is most certainly, fully and entirely all your fault."

GhoulSpawn: "It takes two people to get one person pregnant, Quaraun."

Quaraun: "Which is why I do not know if you or Unicorn is the father. You both like being in me at the same time. And that is three penises inside of me at once, because he has got two penises…"

GhoulSpawn: "I…uhm…no…that's not what I meant, Quaraun …uhm… do you really not know how it is you keep getting pregnant?"

Quaraun: "If it ain't your fault it is Unicorn's fault."

GhoulSpawn: "What about you?"

Quaraun: "What about me?"

GhoulSpawn: "You don't see how your being pregnant is your own fault?"

Quaraun: "Why would it be my fault?"

GhoulSpawn: "You don't understand how it is you keep getting pregnant do you?"

Quaraun: "I understand that you and Unicorn both spend every possible waking minute you can find sticking your dicks inside of me, all three of them, and I end up pregnant every time you do."

Quaraun: "I also understand that I need to pee out that very same hole and am going to pee on these steps if this Human does not let me go inside to pee in the toilet."

NARRATOR: "Soon, on the other side of fairgrounds, the pickle judging was going on…"

BoomFuzzy: "You want a pickle to judge!?! {p} I'll give ya a pickle to judge! {p} I'll give ya two pickles to judge…"

Child/Daughter 1: "Daddy, NO!"

Child/Son 1: "No. We don't flash the judges. Keep your kilt on!"

Child/Daughter 2: "You promised. Remember? We talked about this before we arrived."

Child/Son 2: "You promised you wouldn't flash the judges this year."

BoomFuzzy: "FUCK THEM! {p} Fuck all the fucking Humans in this fucking festival to fucking Hell! {p} I'll make sure every one of you is fucking sandwich before the end of the day!"

NARRATOR: "Just then, Quaraun and GhoulSpawn arrived at the judging tent…"

GhoulSpawn: "But if you are a zombie, then how can you get pregnant, and are your kids zombies, and how do you need to pee, like why would zombies need to pee..."

GhoulSpawn: "!!! {p} Uh oh! {p} I hear BoomFuzzy yelling."

Child/Daughter 3: "Papa! {p} Daddy's having a fit."

Quaraun: "I can hear that. {p} What's going on?"

Child/Son 3: "They won't let us enter any of the food contests."

Quaraun: "Why not?"

Child/Daughter 4: "They said on account of him being a professional chef, owning his own restaurant, having his TV cooking shows, having all those Michelin stars, and writing cookbooks..."

Child/Son 4: "...and being here as a retailer with his food truck, makes him overqualified…"

Child/Daughter 5: "They said it's only for amateur home chefs, not professional chefs."

Child/Son 5: "And at first he was like okay with that, and he started gathering up his entries, was just gonna take them back to the food truck and sell them..."

Child/Daughter 6: "...but then they took all our stuff out of the judging too…"

Quaraun: "Yours? Why yours? What did you do?"

Child/Son 6: "Nothing! I swear! We didn't do nothing!"

Child/Daughter 7: "They said on account of us being his children, we don't count as amateur home cooks because we all had him to professionally train us how to cook."

Child/Son 7: "Even though ain't none of us had any schooling..."

Child/Daughter 8: "They said it don't matter on account of him being the one who taught us how to cook, they said it counts as professional level schooling."

Child/Son 8: "Yeah, and he just had a total meltdown on them, because he said it was unfair for them to punish us just because he's our father."

Child/Son 1: "Papa, Daddy's mooning the judges, do something before Daddy gets arrested again."

Quaraun: "I shall pee on them!"

GhoulSpawn: "Wait, what, no! Get back here! {p} Quaraun, you can't pee on the judges!"

Quaraun: "Yes, I can. {p} I most certainly am able to. {p} My bladder is already full again."

GhoulSpawn: "No, that's not what I meant! You'll both get arrested again! {p} Quaraun I don't want a spend another night breaking you two out of jail again, I didn't get any sleep last night because of it!"

NARRATOR: “Just then, BoomFuzzy noticed Quaraun and GhoulSpawn had arrived.”

BoomFuzzy: “Love, why are ya covered in blood?”

Quaraun: “I ate a police officer.”

BoomFuzzy: “Ah. Refused to give you ya moon fruit back?”

Quaraun: “No. Refused to let me pee in the woman’s toilet.”

GhoulSpawn: “I tried to stop him.”

BoomFuzzy: “How? By hiding under a rock? We are supposed to be keeping a low profile here.”

BoomFuzzy: "Love, gather up the children, we'll take them to the arcades after I drop this food back off at my food truck."

Narrator: "Quaraun was already fussing over the children, so had not needed to be told."

BoomFuzzy: "Ghoulie, help me load this stuff back into the crates."

GhoulSpawn: "On it."

BoomFuzzy: "JellyBeans, try to keep a low profile. No more eating police officers, yeah?"

Quaraun: "I shall try. But I promise nothing."

GhoulSpawn: "Is what you're doing keeping a low profile?"

BoomFuzzy: "The low profile needs to be kept by HIM, not me. {p} I am a reality show tv chef; the Humans know what to expect of me. {p} And I give them exactly that."

BoomFuzzy: "I am BoomFuzzy the Unicorn. Entertainer. {p} HE is The Pink Necromancer, bringer of the apocalypse, where he walks, zombies follow."

GhoulSpawn: "Where he walks insanity follows. {p} He just ate a police officer and you act like that's normal!"

BoomFuzzy: "It IS normal! Why do you think I need you to help him stay out of trouble?"

GhoulSpawn: "You were just flashing the food judges."

BoomFuzzy: " ... {p} ... {p} GhoulSpawn, do you even know who I am?"

GhoulSpawn: "A crazy Faerie King who wears a kilt so he flash every one?"

BoomFuzzy: "Have you ever even SEEN my show?"

GhoulSpawn: "No."

BoomFuzzy: "You know I'm a porn star, right?"

Ghoulsawn: "I suppose that would explain why you have so much trouble keeping your cloths on, but, no, I was not aware of that."

BoomFuzzy: "Have you encountered any of my fans yet, this weekend?"

GhoulSpawn: "Oh yeah... a lot of them... everywhere. Quaraun's been trying to strangle all of them. Largely on the account of they all seem to do the same thing."

BoomFuzzy: "Which is?"

GhoulSpawn: "Throw their bras at you while asking you to sign their boobs. I've never seen anything like it, and it's got Quaraun on edge so bad."

BoomFuzzy: "It is not a random oddball request on the part of these women."

GhoulSpawn: "I had noticed it doesn't faze you at all."

BoomFuzzy: "I'm known for my lewd talk and perverted behaviour on my extremely not safe for work cooking show, which often features woman in the the live studio audience throwing their bras and panties at me from the audience. {p} In fact, I encourage this sort of behaviour, with my frequent habit of inviting the women onto the stage, so I could sign their bared breasts on live tv."

GhoulSpawn: " ... {p} Does Quaraun know that?"

BoomFuzzy: "Quaraun watches my show. A show that I was making, before he was even born. He knew who I was and what I do, when he married me."

GhoulSpawn: "I thought you were a TV chef."

BoomFuzzy: "I am."

GhoulSpawn: "I'm confused."

BoomFuzzy: "You should watch my show some time. You'll be less confused."

GhoulSpawn: "So when you say we need to keep a low profile, you mean, Quaraun?"

BoomFuzzy: "Yes."

GhoulSpawn: "Not you."

BoomFuzzy: "No. Not me."

GhoulSpawn: "Why not you? Why don't you have to keep a low profile too?"

BoomFuzzy: "I am the distraction. Humans keep all eyes on me, and they don't see what my Goblins are doing."

GhoulSpawn: "What are your Goblins doing?"

BoomFuzzy: "Gathering the harvest. Have you never seen a Siren?"

GhoulSpawn: "A what?"

BoomFuzzy: "A siren. Lonely fisherman on the shore, hears beautiful singing and follows it, and there on the beach, lay a beautiful MerMaid, big perky breasts on display. And he runs to her aid, to stroke her breasts, but she leaps up and swims into the ocean. And jumps in after her. She swims towards the island, that he doesn't notice wasn't there a moment agaon. The faster the island swims away, the faster she follows, the faster he follows..."

BoomFuzzy: "...and when he is so far away from the show, that he can not swim back, for he has swum so long, so far, and is so very tired... the MerMaid goes limp, for she was never alive, and the island rises up out of the water, not an island at all, but a huge angler fish, with a long floppy antenna on it's head, the Mermaid just a fleshy apedage, a lovely big breasted lure. And the last thing the fisherman sees is the long sharp fangs of the giant angler fish, as it eats him."

GhoulSpawn: " ... {p} You're saying that's what a Siren really is?"

BoomFuzzy: "Aye."

GhoulSpawn: "Annnd... you're saying that's your job here? You're the anglerfish luring people... why... exactly?"

BoomFuzzy: "I'm the well hung double dicked angler fish. I'm'a Unicorn. Have you forgotten that? I'm literally hung like a horse. Twice."

GhoulSpawn: "You are that. But I don't see what that had to do..."

BoomFuzzy: "I am often called The Naked Chef by my fans, as I am known to cook while wearing absolutely nothing but a purple sequin g-string, while my spring break bikini wearing stripper fans scream and swoon."

GhoulSpawn: "I suppose that would explain why come home from work wearing nothing but sequin bikinis. {p} ...so... your cooking show is what... porn chef cooks lunch?"

BoomFuzzy: "Essentuall. Yes. I star in a bizarre, porn filled cooking show. The fact of the matter is, I am nothing short of a porn star, a thing I already was before Quaraun had even met me, let alone married me"

BoomFuzzy: "But this did not stop Quaraun from being filled with raging thoughts of murder, every time he comes face to face with my adoring fans. And... Unfortunately, my Boom Fans have a nasty habit of going missing, then turning up a few weeks later as shambling undead zombies. {p} And while every one knows The Pink Necromancer is killing off my groupies, there is no one on the planet brave enough to stand up to The Pink Necromancer."

GhoulSpawn: "So when you say 'keep a low profile', what you really mean is keep Quaraun occupied so he doesn' flip out when he sees your fans throwing their bras at you."

BoomFuzzy: "Exactly."

GhoulSpawn: "Because you don't want him killing your fans."

BoomFuzzy: "I did not say that."

GhoulSpawn: "uhm... {p} ... what?"

Boomfuzzy: "I don't mind him killing my fans. He's just no stealthy about it. He does it too publicly."

GhoulSpawn: "Uhm... {p} ... {p} ...???... {p} Uhm... could you explain that last part to me? I feel like I missed something."

BoomFuzzy: "Humans tened to forget the old rule which states: {p} {b} One must never accept food from Faeries {/b}. The fact that the King of the UnSeelie Court is also the Faerie Chef of the highest rated tv show on the planet, never crosses anyone's minds.."

BoomFuzzy: "Likewise, no one ever notices that events like this week's festival, typically end in a bloodbath, with the super villian evil due working hand in hand, as The Pink Necromancer mass murders the entire crowd, while I the Faerie chef cook the Humans into lovely meat pies, which they are currently refusing to judge, after I stayed up all night butchering vendors to make them..."

GhoulSpawn: "Those are..."

BoomFuzzy: "Shepherd's Pies, made from fresh shepherds. Harvested from that field over there, last night. {p} Oh! By the way. I found you a new flock of sheep. They're rather shepardless at the moment. I thought you'd like to add them to your herd. {p} Never say I don't think of you GhoulSpawn. I know how much Urisigs like rescuing sheep herds from evil Humans who would eat them."

GhoulSpawn: "Those pies are made out of Humans?"

BoomFuzzy: "Aye."

GhoulSpawn: "Like the hamburgers from this morning?"

BoomFuzzy: "Aye."

GhoulSpawn: "Why?"

BoomFuzzy: "We are The UnSeelie Court."

GhoulSpawn: "Meaning?"

BoomFuzzy: "Eating Humans is what we do."

GhoulSpawn: "So the Harvest you all keep talking about..."

BoomFuzzy: "We are harvesting Humans to serve to the UnSeelie Court at our feasts in the underground. Once we move into the mountain, into the cave system seven miles below the surface, there will be no more vegetation growing. We eat plants when we live on the surface. But the subterranean fungi is not enough to sustain us for the three years of Shard Fall, so we bring stores of meat with us, which we gather at these festivals."

GhoulSpawn: "And your tv show is the lure, that brings in crowds..."

BoomFuzzy: "I am BoomFuzzy the Double Dicked Unicorn. And I am very good at getting straight women and gay men alike dancing Pied Piper style right into my gingerbread house just like a whole of Hansel and Gretels, onto the stage in my tv show studio kitchen, and straight into the oven to be baked in pies, before anyone realized they was lusting after The Elf Eater of Pepper Valley, King Gwallmaiic of The UnSeelie Court, Lich Lord of Fire Mountain."

GhoulSpawn: "Uhm... {p} ... {p} ... do you cook people on live tv?"

BoomFuzzy: "But of course!"

GhoulSpawn: "How do you get away with that?"

Boomfuzzy: "I own the Network."

GhoulSpawn: "Oh. Right. I forgot. {p} ... {p} Wait, do you just call people up on the stage out of the audience, and they just jump in the oven on live tv?"

BoomFuzzy: "Aye."

GhoulSpawn: "Willingly?"

BoomFuzzy: "Aye."

GhoulSpawn: "Do they know they are actually going to die?"

BoomFuzzy: "No. They think it's an act. They expect to roll out the back of a fake oven and get some grand prize. A new car. A new kitchen."

GhoulSpawn: "Why would they expect that?"

BoomFuzzy: "Well, because sometimes they do. In between ad breaks, at least once every episode, stages hands roll the oven off stage, bring in a fake oven, and pouf, we have a winner! A million dollars, a new car, a trip to the South Pacif, all new kitchen, best appliances, all autographed by me, all my cookbooks, also all autographed by me, a years supply of food, made by me... there's a winner every episode."

GhoulSpawn: "You give out a million dollars every time? Can you afford that?"

BoomFuzzy: "You do know I own a dragon, right?"

GhoulSpawn: "I kind of forgot that. {p} ... {p} Wait... so you kill people and cook on live TV and you get away with it, because every episode there's a winner, who gets a huge prize that Humans think is worth risking their lives for, all because you dance around naked on tv showing off that you have two penises?"

BoomFuzzy: "Having two penises, just gives me advantages over Humans that no one can explain. Only thing hornier then a horny double dicked Unicorn, is Humans awe struck by the existence of a man with two penises."

GhoulSpawn: "But you're a shapeshifter. You don't naturally have two penises."

BoomFuzzy: "Humans don't know that. I'm also not a Unicorn. I'm a Phooka. But there's better marketing in saying I'm a Unicorn."

GhoulSpawn: "But Why?"

BoomFuzzy: "Why what?"

GhoulSpawn: "Why lure Humans to a tv studio to be cooking in an oven in a gingerbread house?"

BoomFuzzy: "Revenge."

GhoulSpawn: "Revenge?"

BoomFuzzy: "Aye."

GhoulSpawn: "For what?"

BoomFuzzy: "Gretel killed my grandmother by pushing her in an oven."

GhoulSpawn: " ... "

GhoulSpawn: " ... "

GhoulSpawn: " Uhm... "

GhoulSpawn: " ... "

GhoulSpawn: "Can ... can... can you say that again? "

BoomFuzzy: "Gretel killed my grandmother by pushing her in an oven."

GhoulSpawn: "That's what I thought I heard you say."

BoomFuzzy: "Gretel pushed me grandmother into the oven. {p} I puts Humans into the oven. {p} Gretel thought she killed the witch. {p} I spends me life demonstrating that she did not kill the entire family."

GhoulSpawn: " Uhm... so... you're... you're like saying the Hansel and Gretel story is real. And your grandmother was the witch, and your gingerbread house... is that... it that like the real actual Hansel and Gretal gingerbread house?"

BoomFuzzy: "It is. My grandmother built it."

GhoulSpawn: "Wait. You're saying your grandmother was literally the witch?"

BoomFuzzy: "Aye."

GhoulSpawn: "And Gretel killed her?"

BoomFuzzy: "Aye."

GhoulSpawn: "And you built your cooking show around Hansel and Gretel?"

BoomFuzzy: "Aye."

GhoulSpawn: "And the gingerbread house is the actual gingerbread house?"

BoomFuzzy: "Aye."

GhoulSpawn: "And you lure Humans into it?"

BoomFuzzy: "Aye."

GhoulSpawn: "...Dude."

BoomFuzzy: "What?"

GhoulSpawn: "That is probably the most elaborate revenge plot in the history of civilization."

BoomFuzzy: "Thank ye."

GhoulSpawn: "I wasn't complimenting you."

BoomFuzzy: "I know."

Quaraun: "No. You are overlooking the most important portion."

GhoulSpawn: "What?"

Quaraun: "Gretel pushed the old woman into the oven."

GhoulSpawn: "Yeah."

Quaraun: "Therefore, BoomFuzzy is entitled to push Gretel's descendants into ovens."

GhoulSpawn: "...That's not how historical justice works."

Quaraun: "It is how Faerie justice works."

BoomFuzzy: "See? JellyBeans gets it."

Quaraun: "I GOT IT!"

BoomFuzzy: "Eh? Don't let the children catch it too, eh, Love."

Quaraun: "I shall disguise myself as a pumpkin."

BoomFuzzy: "A pumpkin?"

Quaraun: "Yes! I shall be a giant pink pumpkin!"

BoomFuzzy: A pink one at that, even."

Quaraun: "Yes! It shall work splendidly!"

BoomFuzzy: "For what?"

Quaraun: "Keeping a low profile."

BoomFuzzy: "As a ... pumpkin?"

Quaraun: "Yes!"

BoomFuzzy: "Why?"

Quaraun: "So the Humans shall not recognise me."

BoomFuzzy: "Everyone knows yer a silly pink pumpkin, JellyBeans."

Quaraun: "They shall think I am an unusually large pink pumpkin."

BoomFuzzy: "There are no pink pumpkins."

Quaraun: "That is why it shall work."

BoomFuzzy: "Aye. Brilliant. Go hide in the pumpkin patch."

Quaraun: "You are mocking me."

BoomFuzzy: "Never, love. If it let's us get work done, you have my permision to go sit your arse in a pumpkin patch for the rest of the festival."

Boom Fan: “Oh my god, it’s BoomFuzzy! SIGN MY BOOBS!”

Quaraun: “GET AWAY FROM MY HUSBAND YOU FUCKING SLUTS! I AM GOING TO KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU WHORES!!”

BoomFuzzy: “STOP KILLING ALL MY FANS YOU CRAZY YANDERE IDIOT!!”

~Quaraun Goes To The Fair