Counting Down to the 2028 50th Anniversary of my first published book (September 23, 1978)
Official Home Page Of Wendy C Allen:
Old Orchard Beach & Biddeford, Maine's Autistic Artist, Doll Designer, Art Car Builder, and Dark Fantasy MPreg Author
Note: English is not my first language, Shetlean Scottish is my native language, there are likly spelling and grammar errors, as I do not know American English and am attempting to write it by sounding words out.
My grandmother Helen Ricker Allen, was from Unst, Shetland, Scotland, and she the one who raised me. She taught me to read and write, but it was Shetlain that she taught me. She died when I was 8 years old, and I was locked in a woodshed after her furneral, I escaped the woodshed 27 years later at age 31, and have been trying to learn how to speak and write English since then.
It is a very great struggle.
At age 37 I took remidial reading and speaking classes at Southern Maine Community College, but we are Gypsies and Gypsy men do not allow us Gypsy women to have education, and so, while at college, on November 14, 2013, I was beaten with a golf club, while I was 8 months pregnet, breaking my spine, hips, and knees, killing my baby and leaving me quardepaleic since.
Now my primary focus these past 13 years has been on relearning to use my hand so I could type... as of 2023, I have regained the use of my right thumb, and first two right fingers, and after 10 years offline, I am back online due to I can use three finguers.
I never went to school, so I do not know maths and numbers and sciences, and I do not know what else would have been taught to me in school. We are Scottish Gypsies and Gypsy culture does not allow females to go to school. Being born female was already a great sin, but my grandmother took great risk in teaching me reading and writing. At 4 years old I was punished by my Uncle Bruce for knowing how to read, by being beaten in the face with a cinder block brick, that broke my right jaw and left me with garbaled near-mute spoken words ever since.
As I was only let out of the woodshed on Sundays to go to the Cape Elezabeth Ward Church of the August Stake of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I was never allowed to go to school or hospital either. No adults ever talked to me because I was evil for comitted the sin of being born female, so I never learned how to speak properly and do not know how to sound out words to say them.
I was 42 years old, in 2016 when, while having an MRI for my spine, the doctors found out my speak issue was caused by a broken jaw as a toddler that was healed wrong because not being allowed to go to doctors. I had surgury to fix that, and since 2016 have been trying to learn how to use my jaw and touge so I can speak vocal words now.
Since 2023 my primary focus shifted to relearning to walk. I can now, in 2026, sit up for 2 or 3 hours a day, and can sand with a cane for a few minutes, and can walk for around five thousand feet in 2 to 3 segments a day, with the help of pushing my wheelchair like a walker.
As of 2026, with a slight return to using my fingers and legs, I am once again focused on trying to learn the American English, but I live in mortal fear of my uncles and male cousins, as they are so hateful of allowing me to have education.
have no one to help me to know if I am doing words correctly, and as such, I have no way of knowing if there are spelling and grammar errors, but I asume there are, and I fix them when I learn them, but I do not know what I do not know and spelling American words is a thing I do bnot know.
If you have any information about my son’s murder/er, please give it to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office.
I am an author of Dark Fantasy Novels and you have reached my website, Space Dock 13 aka eelkat.com
This is me: Wendy Christine Allen |
These are my main characters: Quaraun & BoomFuzzy: Frost Lich embracing Moon Elf -- watercolour art by Wendy Christine Allen |
But first off, let's answer the #1 question that gets asked: "Why is the url eelkat" if your name is not EelKat. I thought you WERE EelKat. Who is EelKat if it isn't you?"
No. I am not EelKat.
This is EelKat:
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Miss Citten the Eel-Kat is the talking Faerie Cat who is the narrator of The Twighlight Manor segments of The Adventures of The Pink Necromancer. She is the Empress of the Ptarmagin Kats of Planet Ptarmagin, and travels in her starship the VISION-D8, piloted by a silver skinned electric Eel MerMan named Etiole, known as Captain GoldenEagle, roaming the galaxy in search of rare Space Eels. Literally EelKat is her TITLE and not her name, as her name is Miss Citten.
The word Eel-Kat means "Cat who has pet Eels".
Miss Citten is the cat with pet eels, thus she is Miss Citten the Eel-Kat.
This is me (Wendy Christine Allen), and as you can see, I am not a cat nor am I an eel:
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I am Wendy Christine Allen.
EelKat is a fictional character.
I am the author who created EelKat.
I am not EelKat.
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 My car before being mural painted, and my house, not yet destroyed by a crazed lunatic with a backhoe August 8, 2013... a crazed lunatic drove a backhoe over my house I have been homeless for well over a decade now, ever since the backhoe drove over my house |
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I am a legally blind quadriplegic, and low verbal, I have also published 138 novels in the last 48 years. It's not as impossible as people think. The problem being blind and quadriplegic, medically have different meanings then how those two words are used medically.
Fewer than 3% of all blind people see nothing. While 97% people who are classified as fully blind are able to see up to two feet in front of them. Legally blind means I can see more then two feet in front of me but not far enough to see twenty feet in front of me. In my case I can see about eight feet.
Quadriplegic, has varying levels, it means having a damaged nerve bundle in the spinal column causing limited mobility of all 4 limbs, (in my case this was done by a women wielding a golf club, who also beat my 8 month infant's head to pulp on the parking lot tarmak, at the same time she severed my spine with the same golf club; both on November 14, 2013; the FBI investigation into my son's murder and my being crippled has gone on now for 13 years, a few weeks away from 14 years now, and the FBI has still not identified the killer or her motive). Contrary to popular misconception, quadriplegic does NOT mean ZERO movement, it means means limited movement, specifically in means unable to lift arms over head, unable to grip fingers around objects to pick them up, and unable to stand for more then 5 minutes to a time. Because there are so many thousands of nerves in each limb it is actually very rare for there to be 100% no movement, but how much, and to what extent varies by patent depending upon the specific point of injury to the spinal column.
Meaning typing is still possible for over 60% of all quadriplegics.
In my case, it was the lower spine that was severed, cutting off completely my ability to move my right leg, leaving limited feeling in my left leg, and an ability to stand but not walk, with crutches, for the first 9 years. I regained enough nerve growth in my legs by the 9th year to be able to take ten or twelve steps allowing me to get out of bed for the first time since the golf club attack; This in turn lead to me being able to start using a wheelchair, as I was able to sit upright for the first time as well.
Because the shattered vertebrae bone fragments are broken off completly and embedded into the nerve bundle just above my tailbone, doctors were saying I would never walk again, but now at 13 years, I am able to push mu wheelchair like a walker, a distance of almost a thousand steps a day. Though doctors are still doubtful I will ever walk "normally" again, I have proven them wrong, when their said 13 years ago, that I would never walk again at all.
But because of the placement of the damage to my spine, regaining hand use, was always thought possible, it was just a matter of waiting long enough for nerve regrowth, along side daily finger exercises. I was able to continue writing, after becoming quadriplegic, because I still have use of my right thumb, and 2 fore figures of my right hand. And can type 90 words per minute with those 3 fingers.
I however have no wrist strength, elbow strength, or shoulder strength, so I am not able to form a fist, or lift objects, or brush my hair, or my teeth, all thing I have to have my caretaker do. But, those things are not needed for typing. Unfortunately, my pinky and ring fingers are "nerve dead" and drag over the keyboard, and cause horrific spelling errors and typos, which are incredibly frustrating to deal with.
Unfortunately trying to edit errors myself, just makes the errors worse, because those same two fingers drag over the keyboard yet again. Prior to the golf club attack, I rarely had spelling errors; now I got more spelling errors then someone is learning English as second language. Editing is a challenge, that I've had to accept, I simply can not do myself, and I have to hire several editors to help with that.
Low verbal means sounds can still be made, sounds that software programs like Dragon can be trained to recognize and translate, and type into full words. More then half my novels were typed with this method.
I still have a long ways to go before I am anything close to being able to do the things I could do before the golf club woman beat my baby's brains out and shattered my spine. And you know what's more frustrating then how slow mu medical progression has been? The fact that it's been 13 years and the police and FBI are still coming up at dead ends as to who the woman who murdered my baby was, or why she even did it.
My son's 14th birthday is only a few weeks away, but he didn't even get to live long enough to celebrate his 1st birthday, I don't even know why. And I can't wait to regain my ability to walk again, because regaining my ability to walk, means gaining the ability to go outside and start looking for my son's murderer myself instead of sitting at home trapped in a wheelchair waiting for the police and FBI to to find her. So, writing isn't a big priority for me anymore. I only write now, as a way to exercise my hands, in between relearning to walk.
Never let a disability stop you. Plenty of writers, artists, athletes, do not let either blindness, speech impediments, or limited mobility hold then back from perusing their careers.
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If you have any information about the woman who crippled me with a golf club, please give it to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office.
Answering the question: Is Quaraun male or female? Do you write transgender fiction? Is The Pink Necromancer transgender?
Answering the question: Is Quaraun male or female? Do you write transgender fiction? Is The Pink Necromancer transgender?
Quaraun is quasi-transgender/quasi intersex... I'm hesitant to call him either because from the start of me writing the series in 1978, until the first time i heard the words transgender (the day my son was murdered) November 14, 2013, I had never heard the word transgender before, nor had an knowledge intersex either. It wasn't until 2017 that any reader ever contacted me to ask if Quaraun was transgender or intersex....and I don't know.
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 Pink Necromancer, Quaraun the Insane and his favourite husband King Gwallmaiic, aka BoomFuzzy the Unicorn |
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Quaraun is a result of a three year old child, in 1978, after just having watched Rocky Horror Picture Show as a live event at the Biddeford Theater, eating at Rapid Ray's Food Truck on the way home, driving home in our 1974 orange AMC Gremlin, then at home the same night watching The Cat From Outer Space on Disney tv, followed by going to bed with the book Rapunzel, all after just having returned home from a weekend visit to The Portland Headlight Lighthouse, asking the question: what is the aliens, after flying away in the haunted house with Dr. Frankfurter, meet up with the Cat from Outer Space, and crash landed at the Portland Headlight Lighthouse, and the lighthouse was actually Rapunzel's Tower, but Rapunzel was not a princess, instead she was an Elf Wizard, but really he was a JellyFish disguised as an Elf.
And so you get: The alien JellyFish, who's real name is Rapunzel, be he calls himself Quaraun because he doesn't want anyone to know he is really Rapunzel hiding from the witch, living in Portland Headlight Lighthouse (renamed Space Dock 13), with a talking alien cat from outer space, telling his story about how he lives in the lighthouse with the Unicorn that works at Rapid Ray's robin egg blue food truck (renamed The Beach Noodle Food Truck) in Pepperrell Square (renamed Peper Valley), through letters written to giant portal telleporting Space Eels (inspired by Dr. Who) thus why she became known as The Eel Kat (spelt with a k instead of a c, because I was 3 years old and did not yet know the letter c existed).
Quaraun is literally Rapunzel.
The Quaraun series is literally, the story of Rapunzel and her blind Faerie King, after she escaped the witch and lived happily ever after with her blind Faerie King, who turned out to be a Unicorn.
And I went back and forth with she and he for Rapunzel, because Rapunzel was the Elf Princess disguise as the Elf wizard.
And From the time I was three years old in 1978, until 40+ years later in 2017, I never once thought to ask the question: is Quaraun actually male or female... because I the author, had never thought about the actual sex organs of my characters.
In 2017 readers started asking me, what Quaraun was biologically, because in the novel "BoomFuzzy" published in 2016, there is a scene where Quaraun's breasts are cut off... and on the very next page his penis is cut off...and 3 chapters later, he gets vagianly raped by five male Elves... and then a few pages later gives birth to twins.
Needless to say it left readers confused because it made it very clear that Quaraun had BOTH a penis AND a vagina. And so readers started asking: "What is he?"
He's a JellyFish.
He's The Scared Pink JellyFish, the Mother Brain of the Thullid Elder Gods, the series states this literally HUNDREDS of times.
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JellyFish mutate every 3 or 4 months, going through cycles of being male for a few month, then female for a few months. Snails do it too. Also, frogs and salamanders... and some breeds of chickens and turkeys do it as well. It is a real world natural phenomenon that, actual quite a large majority of the animal kingdom does, in our very real world... and I grew up on a poltry farm... we had five thousand chickens at any given time, and it was a yearly thing to see 30 to 50 of those female hens, mutate and become roosters and start crowing. It's VERY common in chickens to change gender in a same sex flock... so I grew up witnessing these sex change hens become roosters, dozens of times every year... and it never occurred to me that people don't do it, so it was just natural to me to assume that if chickens, snails, jellyfish, etc changed from girls to boys over time, that Elves must do it to.
And I don't know if that makes Quaraun transgender or not, because my understanding is transgender is down at will, whereas Quaraun, doesn't do it willingly, it's just something that physically happens naturally to his body.
He's sometimes male.
He's sometimes female.
He's sometimes both at the same time.
And I have no clue what you call that.
I didn't go to school.
I don't have a very big vocabulary.
I barely know how to spell or do grammar, not that that ever stopped me from writing.
Most ten year old children know more words and bigger words then I do.
If there is a word for what Quaraun is, I don't know what it might be.
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The thing is, Quaraun is not a Human. He is a JellyFish who was magically transformed into an Elf, JellyFish, Rabbit Hybrid, and because in real life, real world JellyFish are gender fluid, going back and forth between being male and female (Google "Immortal JellyFish to find out about it) literal growing female genitals for 6 months, then growing male genitals for six months... I simply wrote Quaraun doing the same thing, sort of... the series stats that the transformation from JellyFish to Elf, resulted in him having BOTH male and female reproductive organs, with him both able to get females pregnant, and him able to become pregnant by other males.... and the series has just always gone with that... showing scenes of Quaraun having children he gave birth too and children his wives gave birth too.
The series primarily shows him with his favourite husband BoomFuzzy, and his live in lover GhoulSpawn, while showing him having 5 wives, and 37 handmaids/comcumbines.
In MOST stories Quaraun is shown as being 7 to 8 months pregnant, while his wives and handmaids are often also pregnant as well.
And because the series has no sex scenes, readers were apparently left with the assumption that Quaraun was transgender, with some believing him a cis male due to his wives being pregnant by him, while other readers assumed him to be a cis female because of him being shown as pregnant by either BoomFuzzy or GhoulSpawn.
The fact of the matter is, I was THREE YEARS OLD when I created these character in 1978, and I had ZERO concept of actual real world reproduction and THAT is WHY he is written this way... and the series had been published this way for well over a decade before I was old enough toeven know sex = how babies were born, so, by the time I found out how hugely inaccurate Quaraun biology was, the series already had too many fans to change it, and now fifty years later, I'm told this sort of thing is called "The Omegaverse Genre", which is a genre I only just found out about in May 2026, so, apparently I've been writing Omegaverse for 50 years without knowing it.
Well, whatever.
If you absolutly had to pick a side: Quaraun is closer to being a cis-natural born biological female, living as a male and using he/him pronouns... but he also uses female pronouns from time to time, and he prefers to be addressed as "Mother" by his children.
While BoomFuzzy is the biological father of only roughly half of Quaraun's children, ALL of Quaraun's children adress BoomFuzzy as Papa or Daddy, and it is BoomFuzzy who does tthe bulk of the actual child raising.
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The series is about the every day life of this Elf Wizard Silk Merchant as he tries to juggle raising a huge polygamous family during a zombie apocalypse.
Quaraun and BoomFuzzy have more then a hundred children together, and a lot of the stories feature said children. In fact, if you want to see what the series is like, and how extremely not Erotica it is, and just exactly how much it involves domestic family life, here, have some that you can read now for free; in fact here, have a shit tonne load you can read for free:
These feature the children:
- Excited For The New Baby
- The Phooka's Dragon School
- Five Ways To Save Money in Las Vegas
- The Herd Approaches
- Pink Sheep, Cheesy Burritos, and The Grim Reality of Zombies
- The Temple City of The Green Goddess, Where Every Street Has a Name
- Springtime by the River
These feature running the food truck business:
- BoomFuzzy's Chowder Dilemma
- Absinthe Slushies: An Ode to Frozen Green Fairy Wine
- Vendetta over Vittles
- Wishing For Lobster Rolls or, Why One Never Make Wishes In The Presence of Wizards
- Zwodder: A Drowsy Stupid State of Mind
These feature running the lighthouse:
- Lens and Light Maintenance
- A Dark and Stormy Night
- That Afternoon When Quaraun Got Stuck In a Crab Trap
- Dangerous Tides
- A Culinary Catastrophe: The Cursed Tomato Soup
- Bone Dice - Again
- Dreams of Purple Pearls
- Chaos in The Lighthouse - Shattered Panes, Shattered Minds
- A Flapdoodle Wizard’s Duel
- The Terrifying Cliffs of Noodle Beach
- Herons in the Dunes
- Macaroni and Cheese: A Creamy Pasta Dish Drenched in Melted Cheese, Often Topped with Breadcrumbs- It's Never That Easy
- Necromancy-A Day in the Life of a Bumbling Necromancer-Again
- The Sweet and Sour of Lemons
- What I Wish I Knew Before Not Becoming an Astrophysicist
These feature, things that happen when they are travelling between farmer's markets:
- A Map Worth More Than Gold
- The Moon Goddess Laughs From The Rooftops
- Toobe's Well-Prompted Apocalypse (A ChatBot Plans Global Domination)
- If your ass ain’t freezing or your brains ain’t scrambled, you’re ain’t really trying
- The Terror Bird
- Why the Sea is Salt
- The Valuable Mystery of the Talking Saloon Door and How We Nearly Got Shot Over Stale Tacos
- A Very Important Clump of Grass
- This Tent is Too Big
- The Washer Woman & The Fae
- The Rain-Drenched Alley
- How to Hijack a Human Supply Train Without Getting Shot
- Milkweed Meadow
- Open Grave
- Bellicose: Warlike! Aggressive! Hostile!
- The Book Burning Maggots, a You Can't Spell Hatred Without Red Hats
- When a Government Tries to Cover Its Crimes
- The Curse of the Liquid Gold
- The Red Hakama
- A Sinister-Looking Stone Well
- A Fall in the River
- The Great UnSeelie Court Swindlers
- A Mysterious Illness Spreading Through a Village
- That Big Bad Darkness in His Heart
The series spans 138 novels, 423 novellas 500+ poems, and 3,000+ short stories, and out of the more then FOUR THOUSAND volumes in the series, there are exactly 16 sex scenes spread out across eleven titles, and because people always want to know which titles those are... here's a list... with the exception of these 11 titles here, you will find no sex and no violence, in any of the more then 4,000 published titles of this series: The list of read order is here.
Transman Quaraun (The Pink Necromancer) and his husband King Gwallmaic (aka BoomFuzzy the Unicorn) King of The UnSeelie Court. Main characters of The Adventures of The Pink Necromancer series. The series heavily features many stories of a pregnant transman, and is therefore classified as MPreg (pregnant males), aka Quaraun himself is USUALLY seen as being between 5 to 8 months pregnant in almost every story he appears in. BoomFuzzy is USUALLY the father, but they are part of a "why choose?"-type 3-way poly relationship, and thus side character GhoulSpawn is sometimes the father. aka it is a transman main character and his two husbands all three living in harmony together, it is NOT a "lover's triangle" sort of trio.I shouldn't have to say this, but people keep contacting me, so apparently I do:
- No, I do not believe in aliens. Stop contacting me to ask for alien information. If you believe in aliens, I think you are insane, retarded, or both.
- No, my car is not haunted. I've debunked that rumour many times now. . Stop contacting me to ask for haunted car information. If you believe in haunted cars, I think you are insane, retarded, or both.
- No, I am not connected to Stephen King. I didn't even know who he was until you idiots started contacting me asking about him. I had to look him up on Google to find out what you were even talking about! If you have questions about Stephen King, go contact him and ask him. I'm not him. I don't know him. I know nothing about him. I've never read one of his books. I've never seen one of his movies. I can't figure out why you people are even coming to me to ask about him in the first place!
- If someone told you I believe in aliens, if someone told you my car was haunted, if someone told you I was connected to Stephen King, you NEED to contact the FBI agent in charge of my son's murder investigation and TELL HIM WHO it was who told ou, exactly WHAT it was they said, HOW they contacted you, WHERE they contacted you... because it is a KNOWN FACT that my son's murderer is the one who started all these slanderous alien, haunted car, Stephen King rumours, and the FBI is trying to catch her.
If you have any information about my son’s murderer, please give it to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office.
Do you know who this woman is?
On August 8, 2013 she drove a backhoe over my house. On November 14, 2013 she arrived at Southern Maine Community College and crippled me with a golf club and murdered my son. One June 24, 2016, days after my first attempts to walk again, she attacked me with a shopping cart at Scarborough, Walmart, reinjuring the Nov 14, 2013 injury.
She crippled me when I was 8 months pregnant, a woman with a golf club, severed my spine and bashed my baby's head in, I spent 9 years relearning to walk, and the FBI is 13 years into the murder investigation and not yet id-ed the attacker who crippled me and killed my baby, both violently with a golf club.
Complete details of EVERYTHING she did is on this page here.
 The golf club woman who called herself Clair as she looked November 14, 2013. Her hair is a weird chin leangth pageboy (very Medival style cut) platinum blonde with wide brown/black dyed stripes in it (like a reverse of Lily Munster, but the stripes are several, almost like a zebra). I am 5'6" and she was a LOT taller then me, like closer to the height of a man; she had thin lips like a man, and large nose like a man... she COULD have been a man disguised as a woman, given the ease with which she severed my spine....she's is a LOT stronger then is typical for a woman). She was wearing a chambre blue denim "blazer jacket over shirt" and a button up mens shirt (possibly flannel) and blue jeans. The bulk of her yelling was focused on accusing me of being transgender, even while ripping my baby out of my 8 month pregnant belly and bashing his head in with a golf club. |
 The Claire woman as she looked during her shoping cart attack at Scarborough WalMart June 2016, the attack with left me paralyzed and in a wheelchair. Her hair was dyed dark red, and she drove away in a gold Volvo 240 Station Wagon of a late 1980s/early1990s model, with a "458" on the lisnce plate.... If you have any information about the woman who crippled me with a golf club, please give it to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office. |
If you have any information about the woman who crippled me with a golf club, please give it to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office.
Good god! We just found out about yet another slanderous rumour this woman has been spreading? When does it end? How many more of these things are out there?
Video explains what else she's done ...
If you have any information about the woman who crippled me with a golf club, please give it to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office.
 If you encounter anyone claiming my car is haunted, demon possessed, or somehow connected to Stephen King please give the information of who, when, where/location to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office.If you encounter anyone claiming I believe in aliens or was an alien abducttee, please give the information of who, when, where/location to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office. |
If you know who drove this backhoe over my house at 146 Portland Ave, Old Orchard Beach, Maine 04064-1520 on August 8, 2013 please give the information of who it is to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office. If you know who drove this backhoe over my house at 146 Portland Ave, Old Orchard Beach, Maine 04064-1520 on August 8, 2013 please give the information of who it is to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office. |
Really, it says A LOT about YOU, if you look at a car and think "haunted, ghosts, demons, Stephen King!" YOU might want to see a psychiatrist to find out why you feel compelled to think that because, schizophrenia is actually a disease that would CAUSE you to think that exact thought, so chances are pretty high if you think my car is haunted, you likely have schizophrenia.
Important:
Fraudulent sites are impersonating Wendy Christine Allen.
- The ONLY official website for Wendy Christine Allen is Space Dock 13 (www.eelkat.com)
Fraudulent social media accounts, particularly on Reddit and FaceBook are impersonating Wendy Christine Allen.
- The ONLY official social media accounts for Wendy Christine Allen are listed in the footer here at Space Dock 13 (www.eelkat.com)
Find Me on Social Media:
Any websites and accounts you find online that are NOT on this list are NOT Wendy Christine Allen
Also in recent weeks (November 2025 and December 2025), multiple people have contacted me asking variations of the question: "What ever happened to the bullying awareness website you run, I can't find it anywhere?"
Uhm...???... the what?
This website that you are reading right now is the ONLY website I've ever had.
I have NEVER had another website, bullying awareness or otherwise.
So, I have no clue what is this "bullying awareness" website is that you think I run, but, whatever it is, it ain't me.
I don't know if people are mixing me up with someone else, or if someone has made some sort of site and are pretending to be me, but, this site you are on right now, eelkat.com, was started in 1996 and it is the only website I've ever had. It has always been an author homepage, it as always been the archive for my short stories and novels, and it has never been anything else.
It has been hosted on GeoCities, Angel Fire, TriPod, FreeWebs, and WordPress and other hosts over the decades, and originally it was:
geocities.com/TheSpaceDock13Network
later AngelFire.com/TheSpaceDock13Network
and TriPod.com/TheSpaceDock13Network
and FreeWebs.com/TheSpaceDock13Network
No matter what service hosted it is was ALWAYS TheSpaceDock13Network
In 2013 I bought the url eelkat.com (it was shorter and easier for people to remember then TheSpaceDock13Network.com) and it has had the eelkat.com url ever since.
SpaceDock13 is the name of the lighthouse the main character of my novels lives in. The site was called SpaceDock13 because it housed the stories about said main character. In fact, the site is STILL called Space Dock 13, that has never changed.
So, I don't know what this "bullying awareness" website it is that several people are looking for and thought was run by me, but, it wasn't my site and I don't know what it was.
I am Wendy Christine Allen, Old Orchard Beach, Maine's Dark Fantasy author: 138 novels, 423 novellas, 500+ poems, 2k+ drabbles, & 3k+ short stories published since 1978.
💗 50th anniversary of 1st book is in 2028!
I use the url eelkat.com because at the time I bought the domain (September 2013) it was the shortest name of any characters in my book series, that had a url available. "eelkat" is only 6 letters long, and finding a .com url for sale that is under 15 letters long is nearly impossible anymore.
And while wendychristineallendarkfantasyauthor or something similar is probably a better url in terms of "SEO keyword accuracy" it is also 40 letter long.
Could you imagine me having to put a 40 letter url on my business cards? Especially when a 6 letter url that is the name of one of the series primary characters was available instead?
And so, that is why my website is eelkat.com as opposed to my name.
Because people asking if EelKat is my name and why EelKat is the name of my website if it is not my name, is the single most asked question I get, I'm just going to answer here at the top of the homepage for you all, so you don't have to ask it any more.
This site was started in 1996 as a GeoCities site, and moved to several freehosts between 1996 and 2013, before becoming a self hosted site in 2013, and 2013 was when I had to look for a url to host it on, and 6 letter "eelkat" was available, so I bought it. And for some odd and inexplicable reason, that has since led people to believe my name was "eelkat" but I have no clue why.
Looking to find out more about my son's murder, that information is on these pages:
There seems to be this weird "fanfiction version" of me that gets spread around online, and I don't know the source of it, but it's really weird. They pretend to be me, while calling themselves alien abducttes, making wild claims about aliens, ufos, cryptids, haunted cars, and Stephen King.
And yet, none of that is anything I do or believe, so I don't know where it comes from, who started it, or who keeps it going.
And apparently it's been going on for well over a decade, but I only just found out about it in fall of 2021. I found out about it because local people are stopping me while walking my dog, to ask me about it.
And they ask me weird shit like:
- "When was the first time you were abductted by aliens?"
Uhm, what? I was never abducted by aliens, what the fuck are you talking about?
- "When was the first time you noticed your car was haunted?"
Uhm...what? My car isn't haunted, what the fuck are you talking about?
For several years now, i've had an onslaught of Stephen King fans showing up in my yard in mass hordes, at one point two tour buses from Vermote, showed up in my yard, unloaded 72 people of EACH bus and starting walking around my yard talking about Stephen King movie filming history and I had to have the police chase the fucking jackass treespassers out of my yard!
And I've always been confused and baffled by what the fuck, why are Stephen King fans showing up in my yard, also who the fuck is Stephen King, I'd never heard of him until it's idiot fans started flocking to my yard.... but in 2023, I found out, there is a Spotify Podcast from New York, that is a pair of slanderous jackasses who are supposedly ghost hunters and for nearly a decade have been making wild slanderous claims about me, my family, my car, aliens, ufos, crystids, and a whole of other insane bat crazy shit, and aparenltly THAT is where the Stephen King fans are getting this crazy assed ideas!
Well, this is how I found out someone has been impersonating me online, mostly on Reddit and on faceBook but other places as well. And it's not one account... it's HUNDREDS of acounts.
I have a dog walking youube & tiktok where I just walk my dog around the block and talk about whatever is stressing me out.
My YouTube |
My TikTok |
Neither my YouTube nor my TikTok are monetized. So I don't make a penny from either.
One day, it was thunderstorming and I couldn't go outside, so I'm sitting at my weaving loom and embroidery hoop set up and talking instead.
Suddenly I'm getting tons of comments that are like "toxic accusations" of "why the f aren't you making videos about weaving looms/embroidery? I didn't know you did that, why did you never tell us, why are you holding out on us, i thought i knew everything about you, we deserve to see everything you do, blah, blah, blah"
There was this huge entitlement vibe, like I was supposed to put everything I do 24/7 on TikTok just for them. It gave off so much parasocial entitlement vibes, all icky and stalker creepy.
I'm like, dude, I make a 2 minute video daily, of my dog, and that's it, there's a shit tonne load of stuff about me you don't know, I do weaving, costume sewing, embroidery, dollhouse making, crossstitch, cloth doll making, scrapbooking, art journaling, artist trading cards... NONE of it is online. I can have hobbies without making videos. Why does having hobbies without making videos about them seem like such a foreign concept to so many people?
But aparently, BECAUSE there is someone(multiple somes?) going around online pretending to be me, a lot of people who THOUGHT they "knew" me and who I was are now finding out that I'm not anything even remotly like what they thought, because everything the impersonater has been doing and saying is all stuff I don't do or believe in at all!
There is actual very little REAL or ACCURATE information about me online, as ALMOST NOTHING of my life, my beliefs, or my habits and hobbies has EVER been put online at all.
The fact remains, if you are finding information about me and it is NOT from one of these links here, there's a near 100% chance the information is a lie started by my son's murderer.
Looking to find out more about my son's murder, that information is on these pages:
THESE are my REAL accounts... any others you find are NOT me:
Happy 2026!
It is our 30th anniversary here at Space Dock 13!
On the web since 1996!
You have encountered an extremely old website that continues to exist in old web ways, the same way it has done for now three decades.
In spite of being now 30 years old this year, started in 1996, it is still heavily active and old pages updated daily, new pages added daily, still now in 2026. All hand written, all hand coded (no AI), all by me, same as it ever was.
We Still Exist: The Old Web Did Not Go Away, You Just Forgot How To Find Us
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This site was NOT designed for mobile devices (as they had not been invented yet when I created it) thus this site looks best on a computer, at 1280x768 or above. |
This is a very old website created in 1996, so, yes, javascript is needed for the site to work as it should. If things don't function, you may need to update javascript drivers on your device |
This site tries to be mobile friendly but it's been online since 1996, so old pages may not load right on mobile devices, and as this site has had pages added near daily for 30 years there are now over 20k pages here. |
Having started out in life as a GeoCities site, this site contains glitter, bright colours, blinkies, moving gifs, and other things the old web was known for. |
Another common question: "Why is your Volvo painted, is that a schizophrenia thing?"
Uhm? No. Why would you think that?
When a guy paints "landscaping www. his url .com" on his truck, do you ask HIM:
"Why is your truck painted, is that a schizophrenia thing?"
Most people look at a sign advertising a business, painted on a car, and think: "Oh, that's a business car. Look there's their business name and website url, and mention of things they sell/services they offer"
You kind of gott to be pretty stupid, and extremely illiterate, to look at the advertismment for a business and say: "Is that a schizophrenia thing?"
It's my business car and painting are ADVETISEMENTS... obvisouly.
Did you not READ what it says on my car?
Literally it says:
"Author, Artist, Art Car Designer"
"Novels, Novellas, Visual Novels, Games, and Short Stories"
"The Adventures of The Pink Necromancer Available on Amazon Now"
"Miss Citten the EelKat" over a picture of EelKat.
"Etiole" over a picture of Etiole.
"BoomFuzzy" over a picture of BoomFuzzy.
"The Sacred Pink JellyFish" over a picture of The Sacred Pink JellyFish.
"Pocket Lich the DracoLich" over a picture of Pocket Lich.
"The Eye of the GriGori" over the Eye.
---those are all characters from the novels, that are on Amazon.... you know, JUST LIKE IT LITERALLY SAYS on my car.
Then there is thye url to this website, you are reading, right now.
EVERY business has their business advertised on their car.
I think it is downright insulting, and says more about your bigotry than anything else, that you can look at a sign advertising a business, and say "Is that a schizophrenia thing?"
And no, I do not have schizophrenia, I'll answer that at the same time. I have Low Fucntioning Kanner's Syndrom, also known as "RainMan Type of Autism" aka REAL and ACTUAL Autism, not to be confused with Aspergers, High Functioning Autism, or and of thr 861 illnesses on the Autism Spectrum. An Autism Spectrum Disorder is an illness that has symptoms similar to Autism but IS NOT Autism. If you have an Autism Spectrum Disorder, it LITERALLY MEANS you do NOT have Autism.
Really, it says A LOT about YOU, if you look at a car and think "is that a schizophrenia thing?" YOU might want to see a psychiatrist to find out why you feel compelled to think a business sign = "Is that a schizophrenia thing?" because, schizophrenia is actually a disease that would CAUSE you to think that exact thought.
Wasn't This Page Different Yesterday?
Answering another question: "Wasn't this page different yesterday?"
Yep. Probably. I update pages daily. Move pages constantly. Re-write codes every few weeks. Publish 1 to 3 or sometimes as many as 10 new pages every day. And post daily updates on various pages. The front landing page (this one you are reading now) often changes daily. It'll feature different articles every day.
The reason this front home page changes daily is because every day I write a new article and type it directly into this front page. It takes a day or two to type up the code for making the stand alone page for the article, but once the stand alone page is coded, the article text is moved off the front page to its own dedicated article page/url.
The first draft of an article shows up here on the front home page, the day it's written, then 2 or 3 days later gets moved to it's own page with it's own url.
Meaning, anything you saw on the homepage here, is still on this website somewhere, it was just moved to it's own dedicated page. Nothing is ever deleted off of this site, nothing has been deleted off this site since 1996, nearly thirty years ago, thus why there are well over ten thousand pages here. (as of 2026 there are now over twenty thousand pages on this website).
I use bot blockers, so MOST of the pages can not be found via Google or Bing searches, and can only be accessed by clicking from a link directly on this website. I started doing this in 2015 after a hacker used my site to tack "pop over clones" of my pages, but with their edits, making it appear that my articles said something completly different then what was actually said. They did this to "insert" the names of several people in Old Orchard Beach, whom I had never heard of before, to make it look like my articles were talking about those specific names.
My real website is www . e e l k a t .com
The fake clone pages were being hosted on variations of that including:
3 3 l k a t .com
r e a l e e l k a t .com
e e e l k a t .com
e e l l k a t .com
e l l k a a t .com
...and well over a dozen other variations.
None of those articles were me and the hacker was identified as Joel B. and did go to prison for his actions.
Frame busting codes were added to my site, after his hacking attack, as prior to his attack, I was unaware it was possible to cause fake frames to load over a real website, making fake clone articles load over the original real articles.
This site is VERY active. If you don't come back daily, you'll definitely miss out on something.
If you encounter a page which asks for a password, no, you can not request access. There are over 2k pages of this website set to password access, due to the ongoing FBI investigation into my son's murder. If you are a police officer authorized access these pages but do not have the passwords, let me know, I will deliver the passwords to the specific pages you are allowed to access, to you via the Portland FBI office and you can pick them up from the FBI agent in charge of the murder investigation.
Pages where you can find out more information on that:
People always ask why I have a video recorder running 24/7. Watch these 4 videos of The Scarborough Walmart.
People always ask why I have a video recorder running 24/7. Watch these 4 videos of The Scarborough Walmart.
I have a video recorder running 24/7. Because this parking lot is where I was attacked a second time by the woman who crippled me with the golf club at Southern Maine Community College in 2013 (who also murdered my 8-month-old son at the same time) this is the location of her 2nd attack, the July 2016 attack with a shopping cart, the attack that left me in a wheelchair and despite over 200 "security cameras" and signs saying there are cameras in use... the police did not find even ONE actual REAL camera. Every "security camera" on this building and parking lot was ALL fake "dummy cameras" and that is why there is no video footage of my son's murderer.
I started carrying a camera 24/7 the very next day after Scarborough police informed me they could not identify the blonde woman who attacked me or her gold Volvo 240GL station wagon, because EVERY CAMERA at this store's parking lot was an empty case with no real camera inside it. My son would be 12 years old this Christmas 2025, and his murderer walks free, still unidentified because this parking lot did not have real cameras.
Those things that look like cameras on the building and light poles, are fake, according to the Scarborough Police Department. That is why I have a camera running 24/7, because my son's killer walks free because there was no camera the day we were attacked.
Important:
Fraudulent sites are impersonating Wendy Christine Allen.
- The ONLY official website for Wendy Christine Allen is Space Dock 13 (www.eelkat.com)
Fraudulent social media accounts, particularly on Reddit and FaceBook are impersonating Wendy Christine Allen.
- The ONLY official social media accounts for Wendy Christine Allen are listed in the footer here at Space Dock 13 (www.eelkat.com)
Find Me on Social Media:
And it's not just impersonating me online on social media. In addition to the 27 FaceBook accounts and 33 Reddit accounts the FBI found impersonating me...
The FBI is also finding a shit tonne load of stuff in my name, including more then twenty car repossessions, nearly a dozen house foreclosure, 27 credit cards each maxed out to totals ranging from $20k to $200k (I'm not even sure what a credit card is or what it being maxed out me, I've not only never had a credit card, I've never even seen one, I don't even know what they look like) the FBI says they've traced nearly all the credit cards back to one of my mother's sisters, several court cases that have absolutely nothing to do with me but have my name on them (at least 5 of which the FBI learned the court cases were my mother and she put my name on them instead of here, while at least 9 court cases were my father who put my name on them instead of his, while over a dozen were my uncle Bruce who put my name on them instead of his), ...
...and according to the FBI... the Atwater family has been using my name and social security number to do this sort of thing, since I was only two months old... these things date all the way back to October 1975... I was born in August 1975.
The thing is, I didn't even know what a social security number was, before the FBI told me this was happening. Apparently my parents had gotten one for me in my name, without ever telling me. I was 42 years old when I found out the existence of the concept of a social security number, or that I even had one.
On top of that I'm finding out to, that there is an entire online cult following for my car, from people who believe it is haunted or connected to some guy named Stephen King, who I never heard if before the FBI told me about him. The FBI says there are hundreds of YouTubers and Spotify podcasters making videos about me and my car, calling me an alien abduce, calling my car haunted, and connecting both me and my car to some movie maker named Stephen King. The FBI says THAT is why so many andom strangers show up in my driveway. The FBI says this Stephen King guy is insanly famous and used to live in Maine, and that all these people who keep showing up in my yard are his fans looking for him, and they think I know him, because there are YouTubers and Spotify podcasters telling them that!
If you encounter anyone claiming my car is haunted, demon possessed, or somehow connected to Stephen King please give the information of who, when, where/location to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office.
If you encounter ANYTHING or ANYONE either offline or online, using my name there is over an 80% chance it is NOT me.
If you encounter ANYTHING or ANYONE either offline or online, using my social security number there is an absolute 100% change it is NOT me, because I neither know what my social secruity number is, nor do I know how to find out.
And had the backhoe not driven over my house August 8, 2013, and had the backhoe driver not returned November 14, 2013 to murder my son and cripple me, I never would have found out any of these scams were going on.
The FBI also says, that when people show up to interview my about my MerMan character, Etiole, from my novels... the FBI agent said, hese people are not talking about my MerMan chracter. He says they are talking about my local friend, a 90 year old World War 2 Vet they call "Etiole".
What?
Why?
The FBI agent said they believe he is some cryptid thing that they call "The Amphibious Alien".
I suppose that explains the weird interviews, which there have been a lot of.
It's a constant thing, some guy will show up, claiming to be a reporter, and will ask if I can answer questions about Etiole, which I've always found odd, as Etiole is a very minor character, he only appears in around 25 to 30 short stories, out of more then three thousand short stories published, so, that so many reporters are hung up on this one character so bad, and not main characters like Quaraun, BoomFuzzy, or GhoulSpawn, just always seemed odd to me.
It started in 2007. And since then, no feweer then 30 reporters have shown up EACH YEAR, asking for such interviews.
It also explains why at book signings, there will always be a good 1/3rd or more of the people in line, asking: "Where's Etiole? I wanted to meet him. I wanted his autograph oo." And I'll always be: "Uhm... you know my novels are fictional right? None of my characters are real." And I always have such a hard time trying to convince them, Etiole is just Quaraun's MerMan great-grandson.
The most bizarre thing of all, is BOTH the interviewers/reporters, AND the fans at book signings, always say the same thing. ALWAYS....
They will be all excited and say "I've read every thing you've ever wrote!"
I ask: "Whoes your favorite character, I'll draw them beside my signature." (Because I'm also an artist).
They say: "What do you mean? What characters?"
I say: "I published 138 novels, 423 novellas, 500+ poems, 2,000+ drabbles, and 3,000+ short stories, all following the lives of the same one character and his family. You just told me you read ALL FIVE THOUAND PLUS of my books. Who is your favorite character?"
They step back looking puzzled and confused and say: "I don't read fiction. I meant your non fiction books."
To which I say: "I don't have any none fiction books. I don't write non fiction. I ONLY write The Twighlight Manor series, which I renamed The Pink Necromancer series in 2014. I think you've got me mixed up with someone else."
They then insist: "No, I've read all your books."
I respond with: "So name my characters. Who owns The Twighlight Manor? Who built it? And who lives there? You should know those three characters at least."
They ask: "What's a Twighlight Manor?"
I say: "The Twighlight Manor is the giant mimic, who disguses itself as a house during the day, and at night roams the streets eating people. All my stories are about it and how it came to exist. You'd know that had you ever read one of my books."
They again say: "No, I don't read fiction, I told you, I read all your non-fiction books."
And again I repeat: "I do not write non-fiction. I'm a Dark Fantasy novelist, I write fiction books. My books are ALL fiction, ALL one series. There are ZERO non-fiction books. You clearly have me mixed up with someone else."
They then start gibbering about aliens, alien abductions, alien greys, pleasian aliens, UFO sightings, cryptids, and calling me "EelKat" and "EelKat Etiole's Friend" and start asking if they can meet Etiole.
To which I then tell them, I know absolutly nothing about aliens, alien abductions, alien greys, pleasian aliens, UFO sightings, cryptids, or any other thing of that nature. My uncle Bruce was into that stuff. My uncle Bruce was a member of Heaven's Gate and was convinced God was an alien riding around on Mothership HaleBob and going to take him to live on Planet Kolob. My uncle Bruce talked about aliens, alien abductions, alien greys, pleasian aliens, UFO sightings, and cryptids. It sounds like you read his books, not mine.
Then they start going: "But Etiole..." and they will pull out interview, I did with those reporters, about Etiole... and those just blow my mind...
...they'll hand me the interview printou... and OMG!
One reporter had asked: "What does Etiole look like?" and I told them, he's got silver skin like a salamander, thick, wetm fleshy, pearlescant, mottled with blue fish scales, and when he swins though the ocean, he has long blue goldfish vieltail fins on his arms and legs, he has two penises like a snake, long talons like and eagle, and dozens of rows of pirahna-like fangs like a great white shark, he has no hair, but when he leaves the ocean and goes into Human villages he wears a whooly white afro wig and fake eyelashes. Because of the Swanzebn family's FarDarrid blood, he always wears a long red coat when he leaves Crystal Caves."
And, the interview that was printed up said: "She told me she was abducted by a two penises silver salamander from a water planet."
Uhm... what? Not once did the interviewer ask if I was abducted by aliens, no once did the interviewer mention that he thought Etiole was either a real person or an alien.
Etiole is a fictional character from my novels, and I thought the interviewer was asking about this character from my novels, because I thought it was just their favourite character from my novels! I had no clue they were asking questions about some alien abduction bullshit.
I've never been abducted by aliens, I don't even believe in aliens.
So apparently, all these times reporters showed up asking endless questions about the MerMan named Etiole from my novels, apparently NONE of them was talking about the MerMan from my novels a all, and i never even knew it. Not ONCE did ANY of them ever say they were talking about aliens or alien abducions, or that they were referancing a local homeless world war two vet that they thought was a cryptid alien creature because he survived a fucking concentration camp during the war and is covered in disfiguring scars!
No. They never said any of that to me.
They would just show up and say: "So tell me about Etiole." or "Wha can you tell me about Etiole?" or "Tell me what Etiole looks like."... and I'd tell them about The Pink Necromancer's great-grandson, who is named Etiole de Blue de Azure Swanzen,, and is a five thousand year old MerMan who lives in the ThunDer Hole of Acadia National Park, in the year 399,999 hundreds of thousands of years after the comet Swift Tuttle hi the Moon in 2525 and whiped out the Human race off the face of the Earth, allowing the Faeries to rise up as the dominate species, and by 399,999 the Thunder Hole is collapsed and turned into a massive cave below the Atlantic Ocean... and it's WHY I go to Acardia National Park every year, because I head to the Thunder Hole overlook to record the changes in tides and weather a various times of the year so I can accuratly write those scenes in my novels.
I can't figure out, how people can be so unintelligent and fantasy prone, that they think Etiole is REAL.
I don't know how people got it into their heads that my offline friend, the WW2 vet is named Etiole. (He's not, that's not his name.)
Etiole has always only ever been a fictional MerMan who is a character in my novels. And I can't figure out why people come here looking for him thinking he is real... but...
...but also... before the FBI's investigation into my son's murder, I had no clue there was someone impersonating me both online and offine, and aparently that person is telling people Etiole is a real alien or cryptid or something, while pretending to be me when they say it!
I don't even know where to begin with any of this.
Who is doing this?
And why?
I don't get it.
What is their motive?
I have no clue.
I'm still trying to process what the fuck is even going on.
If you encounter anyone claiming I believe in aliens or was an alien abducttee, please give the information of who, when, where/location to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office.
I've been paralized, arms and legs, since November 14, 2013... I haven't even been on the internet in a full decade!
Apparently, this impersonator has a huge amount of online accounts.... and the entire time I was offline, they've been pretending to be me...
...if you find ANYTHING online made between November 14, 2013, and May 21, 2023... it's NOT ME, because it wasn't until May 21, 2023 that I even gained the use of the two fingers and one thumb that I am typing this with right now!
I was OFFLINE from November 14, 2013 until May 21, 2023, a full ten years of not being on the internet, so ANYTHING you encountered online during that time claiming to be me, WAS NOT ME!
And you can go look at my accounts yourself and SEE THAT.
Here is my REAL accounts, and you can see for yourself that there were no posts made, no activity at all between November 14, 2013 and May 21, 2023.
I was paralized. I couldn't make any posts.
You also see, some of these accounts date as far back as 1996, and you can see that I NEVER talked about aliens, alien abductions, haunted cars, or Etiole! NEVER!
Go look at them and see for yourself!
These are Me on Social Media:
Any websites and accounts you find online that are NOT on this list are NOT Wendy Christine Allen
The FBI believes that it is the woman who murdered my son and drove a backhoe over my house and crippled me with a golf club, making the up the bullshit lies and rumours about aliens, alien abductions, alien greys, pleasian aliens, UFO sightings, cryptids, and calling me "EelKat" and "EelKat Etiole's Friend" in a massive slander attempt, to try to cover up that she drove this backhoe over my house, murdered my son, and paralized me.
The FBI says they believe, she is trying to come up with stuff so crazy, so insane, so ludacrise, and do so while acting out as me.... to try to make me seem crazy so that no one will believe my son was murdered, so tha no one will believe I am crippled, so that no one will believe she drove a backhoe over my house.
If you know who drove this backhoe over my house at 146 Portland Ave, Old Orchard Beach, Maine 04064-1520 on August 8, 2013 please give the information of who it is to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office.
The FBI, says it is PIVITAL to her scheme, that people believe I am not in a wheelchair and not crippled, and that that is why she's been impersonating me, not only online, but offline, locally, in Biddeford and Old Orchard Beach... but the FBI says, she's made errors, because she did not know I was born legally blind 20/300 vision, and she does not wear glasses; the FBI said she also was unaware of my religion, so has been wearing pants and did not know I only wear dresses; they said she did not know I was mute since age 4 after my uncle Bruce beat me in the face with a cinder block and broke my jaw... I was mute from 1979 until July 24, 2016 when I had surgey to fix my jaw... however, I can not talk above a whisper, I can not scream, I can not yell, and when you are right beside me, I can not raise my voice high enough for most people to hear me, which is a side effect of my vocal chords not being used for over forty years... and yet the woman impoersonating has been going to local stores and talking to people TALKING to people... also, I'm in a wheelchair, and the woman impersonating me is not, she can walk.
....but the FBI, said this is a huge show that she's been doing, to try to convince locals of several things: that I am not blind, not mute, and not in a wheelchair...
...but I don't know why.
That makes no sence to me.
WHY does she need to convince locals in my town and on my street, that I am not blind, not mute, and not in a wheelchair?
All I know is, apparently, my regaining the ability to walk on even this minor level, and now dailing going around the block pushing my wheelchair while trying to regain nerve use, has caused a panic in the impersonator, because all her last ten years of pretending to be me, has now shattered around her, because, there are now people....
...people come up to me on the street and say:
"OMG! It's you! Wait! I was talking to you last week, and... she's not you. OMG! How did I think she was you! It's been so long! I haven't seen you in over a decade! I forgot what you looked like. She said she was you! I thought she was you. But she wasn't wearing glasses, she wasn't wearing a hyjib, she was wearing pants, she's not blind, she can talk... how did I forget you were blind? How did i forget you wear religious modesty? How did I forget your were mute? How did I forget you were in a wheelchair? Why did I think she was you?"
...it's happening almost daily now... well over a hundred locals, JUST ONE ONE STREET: Main Street Biddeford, have said this to me now, in the past three years.
This woman impersonatly me, is VERY local, and she's been physically interacting with people I knew offline, for a decade now, while pretending to be me and somehow convinced them she was me, inspite of her not being blind, her not being mute, her not wearing modesty dresses and head coverings, and her not being in a wheelchair...
...also, she's aparently very tall.
People keep saying that as well: "OMG! I forgot how tiny you were! My kid is taller then you! Wait,, I had to look up and creene my neck for that other woman. How did I mistake her for you?"
AND... there one more thing...
...it's possible the woman impersonating me, IS A MAN.... a biological cis-man.
...because a LOT of people are saying too: "I thought you was a man in a dress. Weren't you transgender? You're not transgender. I can see you are a natural born woman. How did I think you were a man?"
No. I'm not transgender.
Yes, I am a natural born cis-female.
No, I don't know how you mistook me for a man either, my real breatss, at 48 GGG are bigger then Dolly Parton's fake breats. Kind of hard to be a man with boobs as big as mine.
The FBI agents in charge of my son's murder investigation, believe the impersonator is TTRYING to convince people I am a "man in a dress" or "transgender" SPECIFICALLY so they can say: "There was no baby, men can't have babies, see, I didn't murder no baby because she's not a real woman."
The FBI says, convincing people I am a cis-male, not blind, not mute, not in a wheelchair, and being a crazy ufo nut, are all pivotal, to their attempt to erase the existance of my son's murder.
The FBI believes that my son's murfderer thinks that if they convince enough people I am a transgender person, that it will somehow "prove" they did no murder my son.
I don't get it, but whatever.
If you encounter anyone claiming to be me, please give the information of when, where/location to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office.
Additionally, the impersonator seems to be an American, and was unaware that I was Scottish and can not speak or write American English.
People telling me: "How did I mistake her for youy, she's nothing like you, why did I forget this was you?"... are also quick to say: "OMG! I forgot your sound like Apilation Mountain Folk when you talk!" or "I forgot you talk like a Southern Black person!"
...I'm afraid I have no clue what either Appilation Mountain Folk or Southern Black people sound like as I have never meet either.
What I sound like is Scottish, because I am Scottish.
If I sound like Appilation Mountain Folk or Sourthern Black people, then perhaps, it is NOT that I sound like them, but rather perhaps it is that they sound Scottish?
People are always taken by surprise by my accent, my verbology, and my spoken grammar.... they are always quick to say I speak "badly broken English", and are always quick to say: "That's Scottish? But I thought Scottish was this..." they them mimic Irish.
No.
Irish sounds VASTLY differant from Scottish.
Yes, the accent actors use in movies, that they CALL "Scottish" is ACTUALLY the Irish accent, and so, NO, the "Scotish accent" in movies is NOT what we Scotts actually sound like.
But, apparently the impersonator was 100% clueless to the fact that I am Scottish and knew so little about me, that they did not know that in addition to the near muteness caused by my jaw injury, I ALSO, had a hick Scottish accent and ZERO knowledge of American phrasology at all, so when I can get words out, they do NOT sound anything even remotly American.... and the impersonator has been speak full blown American, full of street slang, pop culture referances... and "talks about Stephen King constantly".
People are quick to point out my writing is full of spelling errors. Yes, it probably is, but I have no way of knowing which words might be spelt wrong as American English is not my first language... heck, it's not any language of mine at all.
I do not know American English.
I do not know American street slang.
I do not know American pop culture referances.
I do not know American TV shows.
I do not know American movies.
I do not know American authors.
I do not know American foods.
I know nothing about American culture at all.
That's why the rumors connecting me to stephen King are bizarre... because before the FBI told me people who connecting me to Stephen King, I had never heard of Stephen King at all. I had no clue who he was. I've never read a Stephen King book. I've never seen a Stephen King movie. My understanding is he writes Horror? But I do not read or watch the Horror genre at all, so I don't even know non-American Horror writers or non-American Horror movies either.
I can not speak American English.
I can not read American English.
I can not write American English.
I have no clue if there are spelling errors on my website here or not, because I am attempting to write American English, but I am doing so by sound, and I know most American words are spelt differant then how they are sounded out.
I speak Scottish Language.
I read Scotish books.
I write my books in Scottish.
My characters are Scottish and speak the exact same language I do.
My native language is called Shetlian and it looks like this:
a bee in your bonnet = a bee in yair bawnet
a bee in your bonnet = a bee in ye bonnit
a bit (piece) = a party EXAMPLE: "And some know a bit of Latin " > "And somme kan of latyn a party "
a bit of how's your father = a bit o hoo's yair faddah
a chattering or flighty, light-headed person = Flibbertigibbet
A commotion = Hullabaloo
A crew of women = autem morts
A crew of women = bawdy baskets
A crew of women = delles
A crew of women = demanders for glimmer or fire
A crew of women = doxies
A crew of women = kinching coes
A crew of women = kinching morts
A crew of women = morts
A crew of women = walking morts
a crowd = mingie
a dance (event) = cèilidh
A day set aside wholly for a task = Day for himsel
a dink = ah pain in dah bum
a drain = stank
a drop of ink = guttam
a farewell feast = foy
a fat man and woman in the amorous congress = melting moments
a few = wheen
A fine day = Fine day a wadder
a fuss = Hullabaloo
a game chicken = A bonnie fechter.
a gathering = ceilidh
A hard struggle = Hard tweet
a labor of love = a labour of love
a large outdoor fire = Bonfire = bonefire
A last-minute invitation = A fiddler's biddin
a lot = a ball sucking shit load ton
a lot = a cock sucking shit load ton
a lot = a fucking shit load ton
a lot = a shit load ton
a lot = an ass fucking shit load ton
A lot. = Dat wye EXAMPLE: " " > "He roars dat wye when you grip him. "
A messy situation = Snafu
a mixture = Melange
a pain in the ass = ah-pain-in-dah-bum
a party = A Social
a party = cèilidh
a person with a large frizzled wig, or a woman whose hair is dressed a-la-blowze = owl in an ivy bush example: " he looks like an owl in an ivy bush > " "
a piece of = the bit EXAMPLE: "The duck ate a piece of bread " > "The deuk ett the bit breid "
A pipe organ = Kist o whistles
A plain girl. = An awfy pie-faced lassie
a pleasure ground = pleisance
a real struggle = a sair fecht
a sail trimmer = Awbody's body
a short time = a wee meenit
a small shop = a wee shoppie
a special or enjoyable time = Field Day
A state of genteel poverty = Pease brose an pianaes
a sting = stang
A strong winter storm with winds emanating from the northeast. A bad Northeaster is like a winter hurricane = Nor'easter
A stuffed shirt = A tulchan
A sycophant = Awbody's body
a trifler = niffynaffy fellow
a trough = backet
a vehement reproof = flytin
a very potent drink made with dark rum = Screech
a way with words = a wae wi wurds
A woman’s bosom = APPLE DUMPLIN SHOP
A worthless thing = A cadger's curse
abandon = abandons
abandoned = abaundonit
Aberdeen = Aiberdeen
Ability =
ability = kunnusta
ability = megin
Ability to concentrate =
ablaze = ableize
able = ables
able to fight = vigr
abode = hamr
abominable snowman = abominable snaewman
aborigines = abahigines
about = aboot
above = aboves
above = abune
abreast = Haund for nieve.
abroad = agate
abroad = asteir
abroad = útanlands
Abscond = Gae til the bent.
absent-minded = absent-mindit
absolutly = abso-fuckin-lutely
abundance = gnótt
abundance = sonse
abundant = nógr
abundant = sonsie
abuse = abuise
abuse = abuses
abuse verbally = slait
abused = forflitten
Abusive speech = scauldrie
accent = aeksent
accident = kastaveup
accommodate = accommodates
accompany (verb) = fylgja
accompany = fylgja
accompany you = see ya EXAMPLE: "I'll accompany you " > "I'll see ya along "
accomplish (verb) = vinna
accomplish = accompleesh
accomplish = awcumpleesh
accomplished = accompleeshit
accomplished = awcumpleeshit
accomplished = mannaðr
accomplishment = mennt
accomplishments = kunnandi
accordance = accahdance
according = accahding
according to a rough and ready rule = Rule of thumb
According to him = By his wey o't
accordingly = accurdinly
accordingly = accurdin'ly
account = accoont
account = accounts
account = tala
accountability = accoontability
accounts = accoonts
accurate = accurates
accuse (verb) = kæra
ache = thrawe
aches =
aching = achin'
acknowledge = tak wi
acknowledgment = acknowledgement
acorn = akarn
acquaint = acquant
acquainted = not unfamiliar
acre = akah
acreage = akridge
across = athort
act (verb) = breyta
act = guide
act = play
act stupid = play daft
acting sheriff = sheriff-substitute
action = sok
Actions
active = actives
activities =
activity = acteevity
add (verb) = auka
Add extra stitches in knitting = Cast on
added = addit
adder = addah
addicted = addictit
additionaly = additionally
address = coordinates
adhere (verb) = tolla
adjectives = adjecti'es
admire =
admire = admires
admirer = admirah
admit = tak wi
admonish = admaneesh
adolescent = hauflin
adolescent = kehd EXAMPLE: " " > "I was dating this kehd "
adolescent youth = hauflin
adoptive = adoptie
adoptive father = adoptive fathah
adoptive mother = adoptive mothah
adoration = adahation
adore = adair
adored = adaird
adored = adorit
adored = adourit
adorn (verb) = setja
adulterate = adultahate
adultery = hórdómr
adultry = a'dultree
advance = advances
adventures = adventihs
adverb = advahbs
adverb = adwurbs
adversary = advahsahie
adversary = andskoti
advertisement = ad
advertisment = advertising
adviser = advisah
advocate = advokate
affected = affectit
affection = elska
affective =
Affirmation = True tale!
affliction = hrelling
affluence = bienness
afloat = á flot
afraid = afeard
afraid = hræddr
africa = acifra
Africa = Africae
african-american = black
after = aftah
After = Back o EXAMPLE: " After Halloween" > "Back o Hallomas "
after = eftah
after = eftir
after = eptir
after the event = Ahint the haund
afterlife = aftahlife
aftermath = aftahmath
afternoon = aftahnuin
aftershocks = aftahshocks
afterwards = aftahwairds
again = agains
again = endr
against = agin
against = gainst
AGAINST the desk =
agani = again
age (count of time) = aldartal
age = aldr
aged = agit
ages = donkey’s years
ages = donkey's years
aggression = aggro
ago = ahgoo
agree = agrees
agree = do not disagree
agree = don't not agree
agreeable = not disagreeable
agreed = ah know it
agreement = pack
agrivate = aegrahvate
aground = agrun
ahead = aheid
ah'right = ah'reit
aiblins = yiblins
ain't = ai'na
ain't = ain't no
ain't = hain't
ain't nothing wrong = is not nothing wrong
air =
air = are
air = aya
aircraft = arecraft
airs (putting on) = ontak
ajar = agee
ajar = ajee
alarm = alahm
alarmed = alahmit
alarming = alahmin'
Alas (Lament) = Less an dule
albino = albinae
alder tree = aller
alderman = beylie
ale = mungát
ale = ol
ale = yill
ale-cask = olker
ale-party = olðr
alert = alaht
alert = alairt
alert = birkie
alexandrite = alrxaundrite
alfalfa sprouts = alfalfa sproots
Alice = Ailice
alike = alikes
alive (animate) = kykr
alive (living) = kvikr
alive = alives
alive = lífs
all = a'
all = aawl
All = Alle EXAMPLE: "All understand the English tongue " > "Alle understonden englysch tonge "
all = allr
all = aw
all = the whole kit an caboodle
All is fish that comes to his net. = He haes a crap for aw corn.
All that glitters is not gold = Allr that glittahs is naet gauld
All the same = Aw ae oo
allagash = the 'gash
Allagash = the 'gash
allegiance = alleginnce
allemande = allemaunde
alligator =
alligator = a'gatur
alligator = alligatah
alligator = gator
alligators = a'gaturs
alliteration = allitahation
allocate = allokate
allover = allovah
allow = allows
alltogether = awthegither
almighty = almáttigr
almond cookie = almond cuikie
almost =
almost = hauflins
almost = pretti ne'ah
almost = pretty darned near EXAMPLE: "We are almost there." > "We be pretty darned near there."
almost every day =
alone = alane
alone = alones
alone = einn
along = alang
along = eptir
aloof = affstaunin
aloud = hátt
already =
already = aleadys
already = alreidy
alright = ah'reit
alright = ah'right
alright = alricht
alright = alrighty then
Alright = Splendid EXAMPLE: "Alright! Cool! " > "'Tis most splendid! "
also = svá
altar (stone) = horgr
alternating = altahnatin'
alternative = kostr
although = althoogh
although = tho
alum = a'm
aluminum = aluminium
always = alwaes
always = alwahs
always = alwaies
always = ávalt
always = aye
always = opt
Always on the move = Never aff o da go
Always talking shop = Cadgers is aye crackin on creuk saidles
am I not = amn't I EXAMPLE: "Am I not invited? " > "I amn't invited? or Amn't I invited?"
am not = ain't
am not = amna
am not = amn't
amazing = amazin'
amazing = fucking amazing
amazing = really fucking amazing
amber = amah
ambiguous = amiguoos
ambitious = ambitoos
ambrosia = amrosia
ambush = amush
Amenity = Amenity
America = Amahica
America = Americae
America = The Lower 48
American = Amahican
american = amahikae
American bison = Amahican bison
American flamingo = Amahican flamin'o
American golden plover = Amahican gaulden plovah
American tree sparrow = Amahican trae spairrow
Americans = Amahicans
America's = Amahica's
amethyst = amithyst
amidst = 'midst
among = amang
among = amoung
amorphous = amorphoos
amount = amoont
amounts = amoonts
amphibian = amphibinn
ample = sonsie
amused = amusit
amusement park = amusement pairk
an = a
an = a EXAMPLE: "That's an owl." > "That be a owl."
An acquaintance = A kent face
an effeminate fellow = twiddle poop
An empty purse = queer bung
An extremely bad night = (A) Nicht o'm
An illegitimate child = Bairn at shö hed
An intrepid fighter = A bonnie fechter.
an overexcited hunter = buck fever
anachronism = anaKronism
analog = analogue
anarchy = anahchy
ancestors = for-eldra
anchor = akkeri
anchor = anchour
anchor = ankah
anchored = anchourit
ancient = auncient
and = an
and = an'
and = and also
and = as well as
and = aund
And = Een
and = un
And my most romantic words = Een me maist romantic wurds
and so = un so
and the = an da
and thus = un thus
Andre the seal = Andray
Andrew = Anday
anemometer = anemomitah
anesthesia = anaesthesia
angelfood cake = angelfuid cake
anger = angr
anger = angah
angered = angahit
angler = anglah
angrier = angriah
angry =
angry = crabbit
angry = pissed
angry = rattled
anguished = anguishit
animal = aminal
animal = animule
animal = crittah
animals = baists
animals = aminals
animals = crittahs
animals = critters
animate = kykr
animated = animateet
animated = animatit
animated = birkie
Animosity = unfreendship
annouced = announcit
annoyance = skapraun
annoyed = het up
annoyed = trip up EXAMPLE: "You look annoyed " > "Ya face be tripping ya up "
annoying = a pissant
anomally = anomaly
another = anither
another = annarr
another = anoddah
another = anothah
another = no other
Anstruther = Anster
answer (verb) = svara
answer = ansah
answer = answah
answer = svar
answered = answahit
answered = answer
answering = answahing
answers = answahs
answers = swara
ant = ahnt
ant = maurr
Antarctica = Antarcticae
anticlockwise = widdershins
antiquated = auld-farrant
antique = anteek
antsy = twitchy
anvil = steði
anvil with a sharp point = nef-steði
anxiety = hyggja
anxious = anny
any = no
any more = no more
any non-Gypsy = outsider
anybody = nobody
anymore = anymahe
anymore = anymahes
anymore = no more
anyone = anyones
anyone = no one
anything = nothing
anything = a' thing's
anything = anytang
anything = anyting
anything = awthing's
anything = awthing'z
Anything as odd as that! = Da laek o dat!
anytime = anytimes
anyways = anywahs
anywhere = anywheres
anywhere = nowhere
aparently = appahantly
apart = apairt
apartment = flat
appealing =
appear =
appearance =
appeared =
appeared = appearit
appeares = appeahs
appetizing = appetizin'
apple = aipple
apple = apples
applied = appliit
Appointments =
Approach. = Draa up EXAMPLE: " " > "He wis draain up for Christmas. "
Approaching. = Comin ta EXAMPLE: " " > " Hit wis comin ta nine afore I wan hame."
apricot = ape'pricots
apricots = ape'pricots
April = Aprile
April = Apruhl
aptitude = feill
archeology = ahchaeology
are = ah
are = ahe
are = ara
are = ares
are = eer
are = eru
are = fuck are
are = is EXAMPLE: "Are you going soon?" > "Is ya to be going soon?"
are in line with = gings alang wi
are not = ain't
are you having a bad day? = Who pissed in your cornflakes?
Are you pulling my leg? = Are you takkin me on?
are you up yet? = Are you on deck yet?
are. = are, eh?
are? = are, eh?
area = aurie
areas = auries
aren't = ain't
aren't = ain't EXAMPLE: "Aren't you ever going to be done with that?" > "Ain't ya never gonna gets done with that?"
aren't = ament
aren't = amn't EXAMPLE: "Aren't I invited? " > "I amn't invited? or Amn't I invited?"
aren't = are not
aren't = arena
aren't = are'na
argue = bickah
argument = row
aristocrat = fucking aristocrat
arm = ahm
arm = airm
arm = armr
armful of wood = yafful of wood
armor = armour
arms = gardies
army = herlið
around = aboot
around = about EXAMPLE: "He went around the corner " > "Hims did go about the corner "
around = aroon
arrested = bagged
Arrested = taen up
arrival = kváma
arrive (verb) = koma
Arrive = Win trowe EXAMPLE: " " > "Lat wis ken whin du wins trowe. "
arrived = kominn
arrogant (high headed) = high heidit yin
arrogant = sneist
arrow = airae
arrow = arra
arrowhead = arrowheid
arse = bahookie
art = airt
artcle = ahticle
artery = airtahy
artesian = airtesinn
artesian well = airtesinn vel
arthropod = airthropod
artichoke = airtichoke
article = aihticle
article = airticle
articles = airticles
articulate = airticulate
artifact = airtifact
artifacts = airtifacts
artifice = airtifice
artificial = airtificial
artiodactyls = airtiodactyls
artistic = airtistic
arugula = ahugula
as a ivvryday language "
As a result = Oot o yun EXAMPLE: " " > "Oot o yun we set wis doon an sheeksed. "
As bold as brass = Like wha but him
as good as gold = as guid as gauld
as happy as a clam = as 'appy as a wee clam
as if = svá
As if to eat you. = Laek ta glaep you EXAMPLE: " " > "If you questioned him he was laek ta glaep you. "
As long as I can remember. Yon hoose is been yonder aa my mindin. = Aa my mindin
as often as possible = opt
As recently as ... = Nae faurer gane nor ...
As well. = An aa EXAMPLE: "He came as well. " > "Him cam an aa. "
ashamed = affrontit
ashes = aska
Asia = Asie
ask = aahx
ask = asks
Ask for a truce. = Cry parley-fummle
Ask You = Bid You EXAMPLE: "I ask you. " > "I bids ya." or "I bid THEE."
asked = asks
asked = wis wantin EXAMPLE: "the three girls asked Dodgson for a story " > "the three lassies wis wantin a story aff o Dodgson "
askew = agee
askew = ajee
askew = squint
aspect =
ass = bahookie
ass = blooming backside
asshole (swear) = bacraut
asshole = bumhole
Associate with = Cleek in wi
associated = associatit
assuredly = atweill
astir = asteir
astride = aspar
astute = able
Astute = Auld in the horn
asunder = sundr
At a standstill = Like a set mill
at all = ava
at all = 'taal
at least you're trying = Failing means yer playin
At one time I would have taken that task = A'm seen da day!
at rear of = aback
at the back of your neck = by the scruff of the neck
at the beginning = at the start
at the moment) = the now
At the point of exhaustion = At doon-drappin
ate = ett
athwart = þvert
attend =
attend to = fylgja
attic = loft
attitude =
attitude = 'tude
attractive = winsome
attractive =
attractive = bonnie
attractive = sonsie
auction (v) = rowp
August = Awghst
Augusta = 'gusta
Australia = Astràilia
Australia = Australie
author = authah
authority = mannaforrá
autumn (September to October) = hurricane season
autumn =
autumn = dah haihst
autumn = haust
autumn = the autumn
autumn = the hairst
autumn = when the leaves begin to change color
average = avahage
avergage = avahage
avoid =
awake =
away = awa
away = awa'
awesome = the balls
awkward situation = Kerfuffle
awoke =
awoken =
awoken = awakken
awry = agley
awry = squint
ax = axe
axe = aix
babble = bletherin'
babbles = bletherin'
babbling = bletherin'
babies = little wee ones
baby = babby
baby = itty bitty wee one
baby = wee one
babyish = babbyeesh
bachelor = bachelair
back = bak
back = bawk
back down =
back road = long way a'ound h'obin hood's bahn
backed = bakit
backs = baks
backwards = arsesinine
backwards = backlins
backwoods = backwuids
backyard =
backyard = bakyahd
bacon = flesk
bad = wicked bad
bad = wickit bad
bad drink = wibble
Bad luck = ill sonse
bad mood = owly
bad odour = Maleolent
bad shape = hurtin'
bad tempered = abstraklous
bad tempered = crabbit
badger = Brock
bag = baggi
bait = bæit
bake (verb) = baka
baker = baxter
baking = bakin'
bald = beld
ball (scrotum) = bqllr
ball = ba'
ball = baw
ballad = ballant
ballad = ballat
ballplayer = bawplaeer
balls = baws
banana = bananae
bangor = bangah
Bangor = Bangah
bangs (hair) = fringe
bank = bakki
bannock = bunnick
bannock = bawnick
banter = jamph
banter = natter
baptise = bapteese
bar = bah
bar = bah EXAMPLE: "Is that a candy bar?" > "Be that there a candy bah?"
Bar Harbor = Bah Hahbah
barbar = bahbah
bard = baird
bare = berr
barefoot = bahefooted
bargain =
bargain = bahgin
bark = bahk
bark = borkr
barley = baurley
barn = bahn
barnyard = barnyaird
based = baessed
basement = down cellah
basement of a house = cellar
bask =
bastard = bastart
bastard = frickin' bastahd
bastard = fucking bastard
bat = bawt
bathrobe = Housecoat
bathroom = Washroom
baxtor = baxtah
be =
be = bee
Be absolutely engrossed in = Gang hale-heidit for
be astonished at = undrask
Be at loggerheads = Be at the knag and the widdie
Be at variance = Be at twa
Be blind to one's faults = No see daylicht til
be careful, go easy = be caw canny
Be content with it = Be daein wi't
Be in the habit of = Be in the wey o
be over = come round
Be quiet! = Hadd dee tongue!
Be quiet! = Hald ye tongue!
Be ruined = Gang til the gate.
Be silent. = Haud yer wheesht.
be unambitious = Flee laich
be willing = vilja
beach = sandr
beaker = bicker
beanie (a knitted winter hat) = touque
beans = beins
bear (animal) = bjorn
bear (verb - to carry) = bera
bear (witness) =
bear = beah
beard = baird
bearing =
beast = dýr
beat =
beat = bate
beat the crap out of someone = put the boots to 'er
beaten =
beaten = creamed EXAMPLE: "He got beaten. " > "He got creamed. "
beater = beitah
beats = fucking beats
beats up = fucking beats up
beautiful =
Beautiful = Beauteous EXAMPLE: "It's quite beautiful. " > "It be most beauteous. "
Beautiful = bonnie
beautiful = pretty
beautiful = vænn
Beautifully = bonnie
Beautifully = bonnily
beaver = biæuær
became =
became = acame
became = becomed
because = cause
Because. = Da wye at EXAMPLE: " " > "I hed ta geng alang da wye at I hedna been for a start. "
become =
become = becometh
become loose (verb) = losna
become night (verb) = nátta
become spring (verb) = vára
become white (verb) = hvíta
becoming = ah'comin'
bedclothes = bedclaes
bedded = beddit
bedpan = chambah pot
bedridden = bedfast
been =
Been on the move = Been apo der fit
beer (plural) = beers
befall = befa'
befall = befaw
Befall = Come at EXAMPLE: "Come this way, nothing will befall (hurt) you " > "Come dee wis, naething'll come at dee. "
before = a'forah
before = befahe
before. = before, eh?
before? = before, eh?
befriend = befreend
began =
began = started
beget (verb) = aflæ
begin =
begin = begoud
begun =
behavior = behaviour
behead (verb) = hoggva
behind = aback
behind = ahin
behind = ahint
behind = eptir
behold =
being = be'an
beings = sowels
believe = trúa
believe, trust in (verb) = trúa
bell = bjalla
belly up = Tits up
belong to = fylgja
belongs = belangs
below = ablow
ben = in
ben = inner part of house
ben = inside
ben = into
ben = through
ben = within
bend =
BENEATH the desk =
benefit = beini
bent =
Berry = Bury
berserk = berserkr
beside = aside
beside = asyde
beside = neist
BESIDE the desk =
best = bestest
best = bettah moost
best = beztr
Best of a poor bunch = Ill-best ane
best wishes = aefauldlie
bet =
betray (verb) = svíkja
betray = begunk
betrayal = begunk
betrayed = betrayt
better = betri
better = less bad
better = So much the better
Better sooner than later = Better suin as syne
between = atween
between = a'twein
bewildered = villhyggjandi
bewitch = beglaumer
bewitch = síða
beyond = ayont
beyond = útan
Beyond belief = Oot o thocht
Beyond one's means = Abuin yer feet
bid =
big = great big ball sucking
big = great big cock sucking
big = great big fucking
big = great big fucking old
big = honkin' big
big = muckle EXAMPLE: "He's big " > "Him be a muckle "
big = skookum
Big Meadow = Grand Pre
big one = big'un
big ones = big'uns
big thing = muckle
bigger = more bigger
biggest = biggerest
bind (verb) = binda
bind = bin
birch = birk
birch = bjarkan
birds of a feather = Aw ae oo
birth = burðr
birth = byrðr
biscuit = bisquette
biscuits = bisquettes
bishop = biskup
bit =
bit = smiggin oov ah wee bit
bitch (as a swaer) = frickin' be'atch face
bitch = be'atch
bitch = Be-yotch
bitch = bick
bite =
bite = bíta
biting = bitin'
biting = bitr
bits of food for a snack = grog bits
bitten =
blabber = blabbah
black =
black = bleek
black = dubh
black = svartr
black cat = bleek kat
black elves = Svartálfar
black one = blackuns
black, Pitch black = Black as the Earl of Hell's Waistcoat!
blackberries = brahmbles
blackberries = brambles
blackberry = brahmble
blackened =
blame = wyte
blameless = flytin free
blaring = blarin'
blast of cold wind in the face = sneister
blaze = bleeze
blaze = bleize
blazen = blazin'
blend = blanda
blew =
blind =
blind = blin
blind = blindr
blinked =
blirry vision = bleert
blonde =
blood =
blood = blude
blood = bluid
blood. = blood, eh?
blood? = blood, eh?
blood-stained = dreyrugr
bloody = blóðugr
blow =
blown =
blue = byoo
blue nose = Bluenoser
blueberry dumplings = blueberry grunt
bluid-freends = relatives
board = buird
boatswain = bo's'n
bode =
bodies =
body = bodie
bog = myrr
boil = bile
boil your head = bile yar heid
boiled pudding with raisins = Figgy duff
bold = djarfr
boldly = djarfliga
bolster = bowster
bolt = bowt
bolt = snib
bomb = baim
bombarded = bombahded
bond = band
bone = bane
bone = bein
bonefire = banefire
bones (heap) = beinahrúga
bonnet = bawnit
bonnet = bunnit
bonnie = boanay
boobies = apple dumplin shop
book = beuk
book = byuk
books = beuks
boomfuzzy = BoomFizzy
booty = spulzie
borage = bourage
borders = boahdahs
Bore the brunt of it = Gat the bree o't
boreal forest = boureal forest
born = bahn
born = boren EXAMPLE: "Who was born in England " > "That is boren in engelonde "
born out of wedlock = oskilgetinn
borough = broch
borrow = borrae
bosom = bosie
both = baith
both = hvárr
bother = bothah
bottom = bahookie
bottom = wee behin'
bough = beuch
bought = boacht
bought = bowt
bought =
bouncing = Boonie-bouncing
bound = boon
boundry = boondary
boutique = bouteek
bow = bowe
box = boax
boy = lil'sprout
boy = b'y
boy = lad
boy = laddie
boy = sveinn
branch = lími
branching =
brand = brandr
brave = braw
bravely = fræknliga
bread = brau
bread = brauð
bread = breid
break (verb) = brjóta
break =
break = broke
break into = brjóta
breast = breist
breast = brjóst
breasts = apple dumplin shop
breasts = thrupney bits
breathing = air-breathin
breathing space = baurley
breeches = brekis
breeze = braeze
Breton = Brezhoneg
bribe = Creash the luif
bride = brúðr
bridge = brig
bright = nicht
bright = bricht
brindled = bawsent
bring =
bring = bera
bring = brin
bring = brin'
bring to an end (verb) = enda
bring, bringing bring, brought, had brought = bring, brnging, brang, branged, bringed, brung, brunged
bringing = bring
bristle = birse
british = brit
broad = braid
broad consonants = connragan leathann
broadcast =
broccoli = broccolis
broke =
broke = brak
Broke down, as car = Stack apon him
broken = brokers
broken =
broken = brakken
broken = hosed
brokers = brokahs
bronco = broncho
broody = clockah
broody hen = clockah chookie
broom = besom
brother = billie
brother = broddah
brother = bróðir
brotherhood = britherheid
brought =
brought = brang
brought = bringed
brought = browt
brought = brung
brought up = bred up
brow = broo
brown = broon
brown = broun
brown = donn
brownie = brownies
brush = besom
brushing = primpin'
brushing = primping
bucket = bytta
Bud = Sirrah EXAMPLE: "Get lost, bud. " > "Make thy leave, sirrah. "
buddy = b'y
bueruau = bureau
build =
build = big
build = built
building = biggin up EXAMPLE: "building confidence in everyday use " > " biggin up confidence in ivvryday øs "
building = buildin'
built =
built = biggit
built = builded EXAMPLE: "He built a new porch." > "Hims builded a new porch."
bulk = book
bullshit = gobshite
bully = coarse bastart
bum = a homeless person
bum = bahookie
bum out the windee: EXAMPLE: "He made a fool of himself." > "Hims gone done hung hims bum out the windee."
bumble = pussyfoot
bun = buns
bunch = beunch
burden = byrðr
bureaucrat = fonctionnaire
buried = buriit
burn =
burned =
burned = burnt
burnt =
bush = buss
busy = thrang
but = boot
but or buttocks = bum (less often butt or ass)
butt = bahookie
butter = bu'er
butter = buttah
butterfly = buttahflee
buttocks = bahookie
buxom = sonsie
buy =
buying = buyin
buzz =
by = bi
by and by = belyve
by the gods = by the ball sucking gods
by the gods = by the cock sucking gods
by the gods = by the dobby sucking gods
by the gods = by the fucking gods
cabbage = cabages
cabbage = kail
cabinet = aumrie
cackle = gaggle
cadre =
cafeteria = canteen
cake = kaka
caldron = cauldron
calf = cauf
calf = kálfr
calico cat = money cat
call (verb) = kalla
call = ca'
call = caw
call = kalla
Call along = Look alang da door
called = cawed
calling = cawin
calm = ca'm
calm = lown
calm = simmer
calm weather = flatass calm
came =
came = comed
Came in = Cam in apo da flör
Came to visit with a specific object in mind = Cam eence a aerrent
camomile = chamomile
can = cannot not
can = kin
can did: EXAMPLE: "He baked the bread by himself." > "Hims can did bake bread by himself."
can do = can does
can go = can'na not go
can see = is seeing EXAMPLE: "I can see you " > "I is seeing ya "
can you do = can ya did
Canadian = Canuck
cancel =
canceled =
candle = canle
candy = candys
candy = sweets
candy = sweets or lollies
candy bar = chocolut bah
candy sprinkles = rainbow jimmies
cannot = canna
cannot = cannae
canny =
canopy = tjald
can't = can'na
Can't = Can'na EXAMPLE: "It's too dark, I can't see." > "Ahya, it be too dark. I can'na sees."
cap = ca'
Cape Breton Island = Eilean Cheap Breatainn
capricious =
capture (verb) = taka
captured = takad
car = cah
carbonated = fizzy
card = cahd
cardboard = cahboad
cardboard = cairdbuird
careful = canny
careful = carefu'
caretaker, custodian = janitor
Caring =
Caring friends =
carried = cairit
carrion eater = kamphundr
carry = bera
cars = cahs
cart = cairt
carton = cahtin
cast =
cast = kasta
cast a spell = hoodooed
cast the spell = hoodooed it
cast the spells = hoodooed it
caster = kastah
cat = baudrons
cat = cawt
cat = kat
cat = kat (sounds like "caught") EXAMPLE: "Is it an orange cat?" > "Be he a o'jinn kat?"
catalog = catalogue
catch =
category = categerie
catfish = katfeesh
Catholics = Wee Papes
cat-of-nine-tails = cat-o'-nine-tails
cats = kats
cattle = nowt
caught =
caught = has got EXAMPLE: "I caught a cold or I caught the ball " > "I has got a cold or I has got ball "
caught ya = has gone caught ya EXAMPLE: "I caught a cold or I caught the ball " > "I has got a cold or I has got ball "
cause to rotate =
ceiling = ceilin'
ceilingless = ceilin'less
celebrate = Tak on
celler = cellah
center = centre
ceremony = adae
certainly = chaft
chaff = cauf
chamber pot = remedy critch
chance = antrin
Change in appetite =
change in the weather = mackerel sky
changing loyalties or ideals abruptly = change horses in mid-stream
character =
characteristic quality = náttúra
charming = winsome
chart (map) = cairt
chased = chasit
chat = yarn EXAMPLE: "We was chatting until midnight. " > "We was yarning until midnight. "
chatter = blather
chatter = yattah
chatterbox = blethah
chattering = clyping
cheap = cowp
cheap looking girl = Biddy
cheat = bamboozle
cheated = bamboozlet
cheating = bamboozlin'
cheats = bamboozles
Cheek by jowl = Chowk for jowl
cheery = sonsie
cheese = sheese
cheese = sheeze
cherries = chiries
chest = aumrie
chest = kist
chestnuts = chesteynes
chewed = showed
chicken = chookie
chide = flyte
chided = flytit
chiding = flytin
child = ankle biteah
child = ankle bitter
child = bairn
Child = Infant bairn
childhood = bairnskip
childhood = childhood
children = ankle biteahs
chilly = nippy
chimney = lum
chimney = chimbly
Chirnside = Shirset
chocolate sprinkles = jimmies
choice = chyce
choking = chocket
choleric = het up
choose =
choose = chese
choose = chuise
chose =
chose = chuised
chowder = chowdah
Christ = Kristr
Christian = Kristinn
Christians = little Christers
christmas = candlemas
christmas = Kristmas
chronic =
chrumping = krumpin'
church = chyrche
church = kirk
churn = kirn
cinder = shinners
cinders = shinners
cipher = cypher
circulate = caw aboot
city = ceety
civil = ceevil
clan leader = chieftain
claw = clawa
clean the fish = dress the fish
cleanse = clenge
cleave =
clever = able
clever = canny
clever = cleva
clever = not at all foolish
cliff = heuch
climb = clim
climbed = clum
clip = klippa
clippers = clithahs
close (a door etc.) = caw tae
closely related = near relation
cloth = claith
clothes = claes
clothing = cleading
clothing hang from their frames =
clothing too tight =
cloths = clothes
cloud = clood
cloud = clud
cloud = sky
cloudy = cloody
clucking = clockin'
clump =
clumsy = cack handed
coach =
coal = cole
coat = jeekit
cobbled = bodger
cobbler =
cock sucker = goo guzzler
coffee =
coin = bawbee
cold = caul
cold = cauld
cold = frickin' muddah
cold outside = nippy out dair
colder = kaldr
collaborative = collaborative
Collapse = Faa by EXAMPLE: " " > "I doot he'll faa by afore da nicht is oot. "
color = colour
colored = colourt
coloring = colourin'
colors = colours
coloured = colourt
colt = cowt
comb = caim
come =
come = comin'
come = coom
come = cum
come = cumma
Come across. = Faa apon EXAMPLE: " " > "I wis faan apon wir aald yowe ida hill. "
Come apart, break = Mak wye EXAMPLE: " " > "Yon rop is gyaan ta mak wye. "
Come away = come yer 'was ben
Come away, in, or through = come yer 'was ben
come down = coom doon
come down = kum daun
come here = c'myear
come here = cumehereya
Come in = come yer 'was ben
come over = come round
Come this way = Come dee wis
Come through = come yer 'was ben
come, to come = cuman
comely =
comfortable = cantie
coming = comin'
coming = cummin'!
Commit suicide = Mak wey o anesel
commotion = Kerfuffle
commotion = stooshie
community = community
companion = billie
companion = compnee
company = companee
compared with = besides
complain = yarp
complaining = yammahing
computer = computah
concentrate =
Concentrate/d fully on = Set me hert apon
concentration =
Concern =
Concern for self-harm =
concerning = anent
condition =
conditioner = conditionah
confectionary = sweetie
confer = colloque
confidence = confidence
Confident in speech = Crouse in the craw.
Confidentially intimate = pack an thick
confused = confuzalkated
confused or clueless = glaikit person with a confused clueless look upon their face EXAMPLE: "ya look completely clueless " > "ya glaikit big lump "
confusion = hubble-bubble
conman = chancah
consider =
considerable = bonnie
considered = conseedered
considered = considahit
considering = considerin
constipation = padlock on your arse
container = containah
contemplate =
contemptuous = sneistie
contemptuous arrogant manner = sneist
contented = cantie
contention = sturting
contrary = þverr
conventional =
conversation = colloquy
cook = ceuk
cook = cooks
cookie = biscuit
cookie = cuikie
cool = beauty
cool = cuil
cool = wicked
coolest = wickedest
corn = coarn
cornbread = johnny cake
Cornish = Kernewek
corpse =
costume = fancy dress
cottage cheese = curds
could = coulds
could = cud
could have = coulda
couldn't = coont
couldn't = coudna
couldn't = could no EXAMPLE: "He couldn't do it." > "Hims could no do it."
Council = Council
counseling = counselling
counselor = counsellor
countenance =
Counting your chickens before they are hatched = Caukin the claith afore the wab be in the luim
Counting your chickens before they are hatched = Cuttin afore the pynt
country = coontry
country = countree
courage =
courage = moxie
Courting = Gyaan ta da weemen
courtyard = howff
cousin = coosin
cover = kiver
covered = cloustered
covered = coverit
covered bridge = kissing bridge
covers = kivers
cow = coo
cow = cou
coward = feardie kat
coward = raven starver
cowardly = chicken hertit
cower = cour
coworkers =
cowpen = byre
cows = kye
crabbed = gnarlish
cramming = swottin'
cramps =
crap = duff
crapper = cludgie
crawl = krafla
crazed = crazit
crazed = doited
crazy = completely bonkers
crazy = Nutter
cream =
creature = creitur
creature = kvikindi
critter = crittah
cross = kross
cross examine = backspeir
cross-examined = crossed hackled
crow (rooster)= craw
crow = corbie
crow = craw
crowd = byke
crowded = thrang
crows = Tumbler Turkeys
cry = cried = crit(e) EXAMPLE: "He cried all day long" > "Hims crit(e) all day long."
crybaby = sookie baby
cuckoo = gowk
cuddle = bosie
culm (roots of grain in malting) = coom
cultivate = tak in
culture = culcha
culture = cultur
culture = kultah
cumbersome = unfreendly
cup of tea = atroupach
cupboard = aumrie
Curry favour = Beck an bou
curse = ban
cursed = hoodooed
Cut an dry, all sewn up = A tee'd baw
cute =
cute = cunnin'
cute = cunning
daily = dagloght
daily = On a daily basis
dale = dalr
damage = disabuise
damn = bollocks
damned = blinking
dan = dan
dance = birl
dance = danzleikr
dancing = flitting EXAMPLE: "He was dancing around the house " > "Hims was flitting about the house "
dancing = prancin' aroond
dancing-song = danzleikr
dandy = oflati
dandy = skartsmaðr
danger = hœttr
dangerous = hœttr
dangerous = wanchancy
Dapper = EXAMPLE: "You are looking quite dapper today, my friend! " > " "
dare = durst
daren't = darena
daring = djarfr
dark = dökk
Dark circles under the eye =
dark elf = Dökkálfr
dark-elves = Døkkálfar
darker = dökká
darned = bally
daughter = daughtah
daughter = dochter
daughter = dóttir
daughter = the dauchter
dawn = daggri
dawn = daw
day = dae
day = dæg
day = dagh
day = dah
Day = Den EXAMPLE: "Good day, sir. " > "Good den, me lord. "
day after day =
day by day = da on da
dead =
dead = bit the biscuit
dead = deid
deadline = hard stop
deaf = daufr
deaf = deif
deaf-mute = daufi
dear = deah
dear = deeah
dear = dýrr
death =
death = deeth
death = going to the other side
death. = death, eh?
death? = death, eh?
Debonair = EXAMPLE: "Why, he was just so debonair!" "He was so debonair, he could win anyone over!" " > " "
deceased =
deceit = begunk
deceive = bamboozle
deceive = begunk
deceive = sook
deceived = bamboozlit
decide =
decided =
decomposing =
decorated = decah'ated
deer (plural) = deers
deer = deah
defense = defence
definition = defineetion
deft =
déjà vu = déjà vu all over again
delicate = dawney
delicious = scrum-diddlie-uptious
delight, delighted, delightful = delightsome
delightful = ball suckingly delightful
delightful = cock suckingly delightful
delightful = fuckingly delightful
delite = delicht
deliver = delivra
dell = dalr
delve = del
demagog = demagogue
demeanor =
demolish = caw doun
demon = daemon
demons = daemons
dent = dinge
depressed =
Depressed = Doon apon it
deputy = depute
deranged = daft
derogatory speech = scauldrie
described = describes
designed = designed
desire = vili
desires / wants / lusts after = desiren
despise = wallipend
dessert = afters
dessert = Bread soup
destroy = brjóta
detailed job description = remit
details =
detective =
determination = moxie
determined = bloudie-mindt
devastated = shattered
Develop, as a shower = Set up
Development = Da development
devil = Auld Cloutie
devil = deil
devious = fly
devoted = duvoted
Devout = faur ben
dialog = dialogue
diaper = nappy
diarrhoea = backdoor-trot
dick = deek
dickhead = dobber
did = dids EXAMPLE: "Did you hear what happened to him?" > "Ahya, dids ya hears what happened tos hims?"
did = done
did not = didnae
did you = did yousuns
did you eat? = dijaeet?
did you say = jada
didn't = didna
didn't = did'na or did no EXAMPLE: "He didn't do it." > "Hims did no do it."
didn't see = did no see no
die = dee
Die a natural death = Dee a fair strae deith
Died (past participle) = Gien da lang gaet
died = dee'd
different = deefahant
difficult = crankie
difficulty = adae
Difficulty concentrating =
Difficulty making decisions =
Difficulty remembering details =
diffident = blate
dim, of eyes = bleert
diminished =
dimwit = muppet
ding, dnging, dinged, dinged = ding, dinging, dang, danged, dinged, dung, dunged
dinner = dinna
dinner = dinnah
dirt = drit
dirty =
dirty = boggin
dirty = grottie
disappointed = gutted
disappointment = slack
disarray = tip
Disaster has struck = Tatties o'wer the side (you're potatoes fell overboard)
disastrous =
Discard = Cast by
disclosed =
disdain (an air of) = sneist
Disgusting = Gie's me the Jaundice
disgusting = grotty
dish made by using layers of meat and potatoes = Rappie Pie
dishevel = fuffle
dishonest = ontakkin
dishonest = unhonest
disintegrate = Faa sindry
disk = disc
dislocate = caw oot
disorder =
disparage = wallipend
disposition = vili
dispute = argie-bargie
dissatisfied with = no taen
distance = way
distanced = distahted
distorted = bogshaivelt
distracted =
divulge a secret = Spill the beans
dizziness = giddiness
dizzy = giddy
do = be done
do = dae
do = di
do = did
do = dids
do = div
do = does EXAMPLE: "What do you want to eat?" > "What does ya wants ta eats?"
do = done
Do = Dost EXAMPLE: "Do you KNOW the time? " > "Dost thou knowest the time? "
do = dui
Do as she pleases for all I care! = What shö laeks!
do not like =
Do the shopping = Gang the messages
do you think I'm stupid = Ya hink ah came up the Clyde in the last banana boat
does = dids
does = do
does no care = does no fucking care
does not register a normal range of emotion =
does s/he = don't s/he or do s/he not EXAMPLE: "Does he know the answer?" > "Don't he knows the answer?" or "Does he not knows the answer?"
doesn't = does no EXAMPLE: "He doesn't have a coat with him." > "Hims does no gots hims coat with him."
doesn't = does'na
doesn't = doesnae
doesn't care = does no fucking cares
doesn't care = does no shitting cares
dog = Jugal
dogs = dugs
dogs = Jugals
doing = doin'
doing = saying
Doing a summersault = Tummel yer monkees
doll = dow
dollars = bones EXAMPLE: "That cost me 50 dollars " > "That cost me 50 bones "
dominated = dominatit
done = dune
done for = awa wi it
don't = dinna
don't = does no EXAMPLE: I don't have a car." > "I does no has car."
Don't be a tattle-tale = do'na be a wee clipe
don't care = does no fucking care
don't care = does no fucking cares
don't care = does no shitting cares
don't feel = does nae feel no
don't has = does nae has no
don't have = does nae has no
don't have = ain't got no
don't he = do he not
don't hear = don't hear no
don't know = don't know nothing
Don't know = Knows Not EXAMPLE: "I don't know him. " > "I knows not that name. "
don't need = don't need no
Don't overdo it = Ya better just caw canny
don't put things off = the early bird gets the worm
Don't reveal anything = Never say clowe
don't see = don't see no
don't taste = don't taste no
don't they = does they not EXAMPLE: "They talk weird, don't they?" > "Thems do use the weird phraseology, does they not, eh?"
Don't try to teach someone something they already know. = Dinnae teach yer Granny tae suck eggs
don't want = doesna want no
don't want = don't need no
don't want = don't want no
don't you = does you not EXAMPLE: "Don't you want to go?" > "Does ya no wants to go, eh?"
Don't you = D'ye
Don't you know? = D'ye no ken?
donut = doughnut
door = dona
dought = dowt
doughts = dowts
dove = doo
dove = duf
dove = dufe
down = doon
down = doun
down = dun
Down the drain = Doun the stank
Doze = Faa aff EXAMPLE: " " > "Da bairn wis jöst faan aff. "
Doze = faa ower EXAMPLE: " " > "Da bairn wis jöst faan ower. "
dragged = darggit
Dragging gait =
dragon = draegoon
drain =
drain on a ship for deck water = scupper
draught = dracht
draw = dragan
drawer = draw
drawer = draw'
drawers = bureau
dreadful = ball suckingly dreadful
dreadful = cock suckingly dreadful
dreadful = fuckingly dreadful
dreamed = dreamt
dreary = dreich
dress = frock
dressed = dressit
dressed flamboyantly = Dressed to the nines
dresser = bureau
drink = dek
drink = drinks
drink. = drink, eh?
drink? = drink, eh?
drinking bowl = bicker
driver = drivah
droll = auld-farrant
drop = goutte
Drop a particularly embarrassing subject = Lat that flee stick til the waw
drought = drowt
Drumroll please.... "I was over yonder, exchanging pleasantries with the dapper and debonair young gentleman a fortnight ago, and he was so jubilant, he laughed at me thrice as many times as I would have expected."
drunk (Extremely drunk) = fou as a puggie (full as a monkey)
drunk = drunk as fuck
Drunk = Hammered
drunk = three sheets ta dah wind
duck = the deuk
duck = deuk
dude = b'y
dull = dowf
dumb = dumbass
dumb = dumbo
dumped = dumpit
dun = din
dupe = bamboozle
duped = bamboozlet
dupes = bamboozles
duping = bamboozlin'
during = durin' dah course auf
during = same time as
DURING class =
dusk = dagalien
Dwarves = Dwarfs
each = each one
each = each un every
each = each un every one
each = eche EXAMPLE: "Which each person can understand " > "That kan eche man understonde "
Earl = Jarlin
earl = yerl
early (time) = wee EXAMPLE: "early hours " > "wee hours "
early morning = wee-oors
earmuffs = eihmurras
earn (coagulate) = yirn (of milk)
earn = eihn
Earth (planet) = The Yird
earth = yird
earwig = chigger
easily angered = het up
easterly = aistlin
easy target =
eat = eet
eaten = eeten
eater = eetah
echo =
-ed = -it
Edinburgh = Dùn Eideann
edit = eedit
edited = eeditit
editing = eeditin'
educated = lered EXAMPLE: "Both among the educated and the uneducated " > "As wel among lered as lewed "
education = eddication
education = education
egg =
egg = ægg
egg beater = ægg beitah
egg poacher = ægg powtchah
egg timer = ægg timah
egghead = æggheid
eggnog = æggnaeg
eggplant = æggplant
eggs = æggs
eggs under a sitting hen = clutch of eggs
eggshell = æggshew
eight = acht
eight = echt
eight thirty = eight fucking thirty
eighteenth = aichteenth
eighth = echt
either = aither
either = aither ane
either = eithers
either = neither
elaborate = elbotare
elaborate decoration = crinkum crankum
elbow = elbuck
elephant = pachyderm
eleven = eleivin
eleven thirty = eleven fucking thirty
eleventh = eleivint
elf = Alfr
Elf = Álfr
Elf Home = Álfheimr
Elf World = Álfheimr
elf-advice = Ælfred
elf-beautiful = ælfscyne
elf-friend = Ælfwine
elf-guardian (female) = Ælfwaru
elf-guardian (male) = Ælfweard
elf-powerful = Ælfric
eliminate stitches, as in knitting = Cast aff
elves = Alfars
Elves = Elfs
elves hill = Elveden
elves valley = Alden Valley
embarrassed = affronted
embarrassed = aw taen
embarrassed = Rattled
emerge =
emphasize = emphisie
emphasizing = emphasizin'
empty = empy
enchant = beglaumer
Encourage/d = Set on EXAMPLE: " " > "I set him on ta howe da tatties. "
endeavor = endeavour
endowed = tochered
enemy = unfreend
energy =
energy = moxie
enfeebled = doited
english = ingleesh
English = Inglis
English traitor = Loyalist
enjoy = enjoy
enjoy = jo
enjoy = much enjoy greatly
enormous = stonkin'
enough = eneuch
enough = enewch
enough = enugh
enough = enyooch
enough = enyuch
enquier = inquiah
enquire = speir
entered = entered into
entire = 'ol
entitled = enteetelt
environments =
Episcopalians = Wee Piskies
episodic =
equaling = equallin'
errand = eerant
errie = eerie
establishment = doun-setting
esthetic = aesthetic
estimated = estimatit
even = een
Evening = Eventide or E'en EXAMPLE: "Good evening, bud. " > "Good e'en, sirrah. "
evening = twighlight
ever = evah
ever = never
everlasting = ayebydan
every = allr
every day =
Every height has it's hollow. = Ilka hicht haes its howe.
everybody = aab'dy
everyday = ivvryday
everything = every wee little thing
everything = the whole kit an caboodle
evidence =
evidence = schewed EXAMPLE: "For that language is most in evidence " > "For that langage is most schewed "
evil = Hotter than the hinges of hell
evil = illr
evil. = evil, eh?
evil? = evil, eh?
ewe = yowe
examine =
examples =
Excellent = excellent, great, absolutly ball swingingly fantastic
Excellent = Excellent, great, absolutly fucking fantastic
except = binna
except = cept
Exceptionally good = Pure dead brilliant
excessive =
excessive sleeping =
Excessively hot = waldin-het
Excessively scolded = forflitten
exclaimed = exclaimes
excuse = aff-pit
Exercise =
exhausted = forfochen
exhausted = knackered
Exhausted = Laid by EXAMPLE: " " > "I wis fairly laid by wi kerryin paets aa moarnin. "
exhausted by heat = muith
exists = ettles
expected = lippened
expended =
expensive = dear
experiencing =
explained = explaines
explore =
explosive (temper) = het up
expression =
extempore = aff-luif
extravagance = wastry
extremely = right EXAMPLE: "That's extremely ugly " > "That a right scunner! "
Extremely annoyed = het up
EXTREMELY humid = Wicked Muggie
eye =
eye = ee
eye shadow = eey shadoo
eyeball =
eyeball = eeyba'
eyeball = eeybaw
eyeballs = eeybaws
eyebrow = eeybroo
eyebrows = eeybroos
eyelid = eeylid
eyelids = eye ledes EXAMPLE: "He closed his eyelids." > "Hims did shut hims eye ledes"
eyeliner =
eye-opener =
eyepatch =
eyes =
eyes = een
eyes = eeys
eyes blink infrequently =
eyesight = eeysicht
eyesore = eeysair
eyewitness = eeywitness
face =
face = fizzog
Facial expression
fact = Actual fact
factors =
faint = swelt
faint = faints
fainted = faintit
fainter = faintah
fainting = faintin'
fair = bonnie
fair = faire EXAMPLE: "Going to the fair." > "Done gone went to the faire."
fairly = bonnie
fall (season) = the fall
fall (season) = when the leaves begin to fall
fall = fa'
fall = faw
Fall apart = Faa sindry
fall behind = dawdle
falling = fallin'
fallow = fauch
family =
family = clan
famous = famoos
famouse = famoos
fantastic = absolutly ball sucking fantastic
fantastic = absolutly blue ball sucking fantastic
fantastic = absolutly cock sucking fantastic
fantastic = absolutly fucking fantastic
fantastic = excellent, great, absolutly ball sucking fantastic
fantastic = excellent, great, absolutly cock sucking fantastic
fantastic = Excellent, great, absolutly fucking fantastic
far away = fah away
fardarrig = fear~dearg
fare = fahe
farm = fahm
farm overseer = grieve
farm steward = bailie
farmer = fahmah
farther = furthah
farthest = fartherest
fashion =
fast = quick as a wink
fast = wicked fast
faster = fastah
father = da
father = faddah
father = faither
father = fathah
father = Papa
father = sire
Fatigue =
Fatigued with decreased energy =
Fatten, as sheep = Pit a ply apon
favor = favour
favorite = favourite
fear = fears
fearing =
feast one's eyes =
feather =
feature =
featured = featurt
feel = feels
feel better =
Feel deeply ashamed = Feel black affrontit.
feeling good = not feeling bad
Feelings =
feels =
feet = foots
feet = footsies EXAMPLE: "He has big feet." > "Hims got wicked big footsies."
feild = felde EXAMPLE: "Standing in the feild." > "Stoodt in thems felde."
fellow = billie
fellow = félagi
fellow = squeeze crab
felt =
female = she-Elf
female names = add -ina to the end EXAMPLE: "Dora, Pippi, Marcy " > "Dorina, Pippina, Marcina "
fertile = fairtil
fertilizer = fairtilizah
fester = beil
festering sore = beil
fetid =
fever = fuver
few = few small wee bit
field = eild
fiend = fient
fifth = fift
figurative expression = Icasm
figure =
figure of speech = Icasm
fillet = fillit
filthy = fulthy
find = fin
Find a task too difficult = Fin his breeks a burden
fine (ironically) = bonnie
fine = braw
fine bright moonlight night = Braw bricht moonlicht nicht
finely = bonnily
Fire completely out = Fire lyin in coll-slock
first = forst
first = furst
First come is first served = First come, first serred
fish = fush
fish = feesh
fish = fesh
fish heads = fish gurry
fishes =
fit of bad temper = birse
five thirty = five fucking thirty
fjord = loch
flame = lowe
flash =
flat = flatr
Flat affect =
flavor = flavour
fleeting = Fugacious
flesh =
fleshed = fleshit
Flies =
flitting = sveimun
flock = ailbhín
floor = flair
floor = flure
flow = flowe
flower = floaer
flu, influenza = the haingles
focus =
foist =
fold = faul
foliage =
follow = follae
follow up =
following = follooin
following = follaein
food = fuid
Food is sex. Every one likes sex. Every one likes food. When I make my food, I want to make people feel like they just had great sex.
fool = dunderheed
fool = loof EXAMPLE: "He made a fool of himself." > "Hims gone done made a loof of his self."
fool = smuck
foot = fótr
foot = fuit
footed = fetign
for = fah
for = on EXAMPLE: "I'm waiting for you " > "I is waiting on ya "
for non-speakers to learn Shaetlan = fir dem at døsna spaek Shaetlan tae lair
For Pete's sake = For fuck's sake
forage =
forbade = forbaded EXAMPLE: "He forbade me to speak to you." > "Hims did forbaded me from speaking to ya."
forbid = forbids; forbided EXAMPLE: "I forbid you to speak to her." > "I forbids ya from speaking to her." or "I fobided ya from speaking to her."
Force of character, determination or nerve = Moxie
ford = fuird
forecastle = fo'c's'le
forever =
form =
formal evening of traditional Scottish Social Dancing = cèilidh
Fortnight = EXAMPLE: "I will be paid in a fortnight." "He is going off into the woods over yonder." " > " "
fortunate = sonsie
fought = fochten
fought = fowt
founded = foondit
four = feur
four = fira
four thirty = four fucking thirty
fourth = fowert
fox = Tod
frantic =
free = frae
free = free, gratis and for nothing
free exercise of one's powers = liege-pousté
freeze = kala
freezing = ball sucking freezin' cold
freezing = cock sucking freezin' cold
freezing = fucking freezin'
freezing = fucking freezin' cold
freezing cold = ball sucking freezin' cold
freezing cold = blue ball sucking freezin' cold
freezing cold = cock sucking freezin' cold
freezing cold = frickin' blue ball sucking freezin' cold
freezing cold = fucking freezin' cold
freight = fracht
French = frensch
frequently = opt
Friday = Friday
Friday = Frigedæg
Friday = The Fast Day
Friday = the Friday
Friday = the Gathering Day
Friday = Venus Dae (Venus)
friend = buddy
friend = freend
Friendless = freendless
Friendlier = freendlier
Friendliest = freendliest
Friendliness = freendliness
friendly = chief
Friendly = freendly
friendly in appearance = sonsie
friends =
friends = freends
friends. = friends, eh?
friends? = friends, eh?
Friendship = freendship
frightened = hræddr
Frivolous = licht-farrant
fro = frá
Frolicking, as lambs = Playin da kyittums
from = frae
From where = whence EXAMPLE: ""Where do you come from?" " > ""Whence comest thou?" "
fronds of the ostrich fern = fiddleheads
front =
front = front
froth = fro
Frowning =
fry of fish = sile
fuck = fuck fucking fucked fucker fucking fuckups fuck fucking fucked fucking fuckup fucking fucker's fucking fuckup
Fucking =
full = foo
full = fou
full = fu'
full = fullr
funny (as in strange) = wonky
furniture =
further = ferther EXAMPLE: "I looked further." > "I dids lokid ferther."
furthest = furtherest
furthest in = benmaist
fuss = adae
fuss = stooshie
Fussed ower, as of a child = Made a wark
future = future
gain =
gall = ga'
gall = gaw
gander = gaundah
gape =
Gaping like an unfledged bird = Gaupin like a raw gorb
garden =
gasp = gæispa
gate = yett
gather up = tak up
gaudy person = oflati
gave = gya
gawk =
gay = Back gammon player
gay = backgammon
gay = backgammon player
gay = dandy prat
gay = indorser
gay = madge culls
gay = windward passage
gaze =
Gentlemen = Good Gentles EXAMPLE: "Greetings, ladies / gentlemen. " > "Greetings, good gentles/ladies. "
geology = geologie
Gestures
gestures =
get = geta
Get = Git
Get a beating = Get laldie
Get familiar with = Get intae
get lost = bugger aff
get out = piss off
Get ready = Mak apo me EXAMPLE: " " > "I'll awa an mak apo me. "
Get revenge = Lay something in saut for
Get started with/married to = Get yokit til
Get undressed = Git aff o dee
Get undressed = Git aff o me
Get undressed = Git aff o wis
getting sore = getting a little tender
ghost = draugr
giddy in behaviour = licht-farrant
gift = free gift
giggle = gaggle
girl = lass EXAMPLE: "She's such a pretty girl." > "She be such a bonny lass."
girl = lassie
girls = autem morts
girls = bawdy baskets
girls = delles
Girls = demanders for glimmer or fire
girls = doxies
girls = kinching coes
girls = kinching morts
girls = morts
girls = walking morts
Girls have a pussy and boys have a cock." > "She gots herself a fanny and he gots himself a jobby."
give = fo
give = gav
give = gie
give = gifa
give birth = visit from the stork
give birth to = bera
give me a hint = Give me an inkle
Give me your news = Gie's yer crack
give us = gef oss
Given her hell = Giv'n her
glance =
glances =
gland = glaund
glanders in horses = mortersheen
Glasgow = Glaschu
glass = glahss
glasses = glahsses
glimmer spell = beglaumer
glitter =
glitter = glitra
glitters = glittahs
glory = glori
glow = gloo
glow = glowe
glower =
gnaw = gnagan
go (go away) = Geng dee wis
go = gang
go = gjaan
go = goes
go = went
Go ahead = Tak at EXAMPLE: " " > "So, tak at an we'll be feenished afore dark. "
Go and chase yourself = Gang an whistle on yer thoum
Go and just get lost would you = Gaun jus' bugger aff wid ye
go away = Gang awa
go away = Geng dee wis
Go for a walk = Put yar feet oan
Go for that alone (specially for that purpose) = Gang ance eerant
go to bed = hunker down for the night
go with you = see ya EXAMPLE: "I'll go with you " > "Ill see ya up the road "
Go your ways = Geng dee wis
goggle =
Going = Gaun
going fishing = wet a line
Going to break (as a rope) = Gyaan ta mak wye
Going to not do that = Gonnae no' dae that
going to the Maritimes = down east
gold = godle
gold = gowd
golden = gaulden
golden = godle
golf = gowf
gone = done gone
Gone away from home = Awa tae fremd
good = goden
good = goody
good = goody goody gumdrops
good = goody gumdrops
good = gude
good = guid
Good = Not bad
good = some good EXAMPLE: "That was a good meal " > "That was some good meal. "
Good fortune = sonse
good fortune = sonsie
good god =
good god = by the ball sucking gods
good god = by the blue ball sucking gods
good god = by the blue, ball sucking gods
good god = by the cock sucking gods
good god = by the cum sucking gods
good god = by the fucking gods
good god = by the fucking, ball sucking gods
good god = by the fucking, blue ball sucking gods
good god = by the fucking, blue, ball sucking gods
good god = by the fucking, cock sucking gods
good god = by the fucking, cum sucking gods
good god = oh for freaking fucks sake
good looking = bonnie
good looking = fucking bonnie
good looking = right fucking bonnie
Good luck = sonse
Goodbye = Adieu EXAMPLE: "Goodbye, ladies. " > "Adieu, Me Good Ladies. "
Goodbye = Fare Thee Well EXAMPLE: "Goodbye, my friend. " > "Fare thee well, Me Goodman. "
good-looking = sonsie
gooseberry = grosset
gorgeous =
gossip = blether EXAMPLE: "You're an awful gossip " > "You be an awfu blether "
gossip = com'mère
gossip = cummer
got = göd
got a drink = Wet yer whistle
Got on to him = Lichtit til him
Government = Government
grabbed =
grace after meal = Bethankit
grand = gran
grand = gude
grandchild = grandchild
grandfather = auld-faither
grandfather = grandpa
grandfather = gude-sire
grandfather = gutcher
grandmother = auld-mither
grandmother = grammy
Grappled = Yockit horns
grasp =
grasp = graps
grass = girs
grass = gress
gray = grae
gray = grey
Gray pallor =
Grease one's palm = Glack yer mittens
great = big
Great = bonnie
great = excellent, great, absolutly ball sucking fantastic
great = excellent, great, absolutly cock sucking fantastic
great = Excellent, great, absolutly fucking fantastic
great = excellent, great, fucking fantastic
great = fucking great
great = great big
great = greet
great = skookum
greatcoat = big-coat
greedy = Skin flint
greedy = stingy
green = grene EXAMPLE: "Look at the green hedges and woods." > "Look see at thems heigges and holtz so grene."
grimace =
grin =
grind = grin
groceries = messages
ground = gru
group (of people) = clan
groups = groups
grow = growe
grow = grows or grews
Growing = Shuttin ta da lent EXAMPLE: " " > " He's fairly shuttin ta da lent."
Grown fast = Gien ta da lent
grumpy = crabbit
guilt =
guise =
guy = buddy
guys = abrams
guys = anglers
guys = drummerers
guys = drunken tinkers
guys = fraters
guys = fresh water mariners
guys = hookers
guys = jarkmen
guys = palliardes
guys = patricoes
guys = pedlars
guys = priggers of prancers
guys = rogues
guys = rufflers
guys = swadders
guys = upright men
guys = whip jackets
guys = wild rogues
hadn't = had no EXAMPLE: "I hadn't thought of that" > "I had no thunk of it."
hadn't = hadna
hail (as a salute)= hæill
hail! = heill!
half = hauf
Half = hauflins
half bottle of whisky = haufie
half-grown = hauflin
half-grown boy = hauflin
half-hidden = hauf-scoukit
half-witted person = hauflin
half-witted person = haufwit
halibut = hawibut
hall =
hall = ha'
hall = haw
hallowed = halaght
Halloween = Hallowmas
halls =
halse = hause
Halves = haufs
hand = han
hand = haund
Hand in hand = Haund for nieve.
handkerchief = wipe
handsome =
handsome = bonnie
handsome = braw EXAMPLE: "He is very handsome " > "Him wicked braw "
Handsome = fair-farrant
Handsomely = bonnie
hang = honga
hang, hanging, was sung = hang, hanging, hanged, hangeded, hanging, hung, hunged
Hangman's rope = Pith o hemp
hapless = unsonsie
happiness = pleisance
happy = happ
harbor = hahbah
harbor = harbah or hahbah
hard = fucking hard
hard = haurd
hardcover = haurdkiver
hardest wood = hornbeam
hardly = barelies
hardly = hadly
hardly = hardly ever
Hardly entered = Hardly won athin da door
Hardly ever inactive = Hardly ever aff o da go
hare = bawd
hare = Maukin
harm = háski
harmony =
harsh = Brutal
harvest = herst
has = haes
has = has gone un de ta do
Has = Hath EXAMPLE: "He has a lot of money. " > "Him hath got a lot of money. "
has gone = is going after EXAMPLE: "He has gone " > "Him is after going "
has had = has experienced
has not = ain't
hasn't = ain't
hasn't = has no
hasn't = has no EXAMPLE: "He hasn't come home yet." > "He has no gots back yet."
hasn't = has not
hat = hawt
hate = hates
hates =
hates = hate
have = hae
have = has EXAMPLE: "I have a red apple." > "I has a red apple."
Have a liking for = Hae an ee til
Have a rod in pickle for. = Lay something in saut for
have a safe trip = fair weather to you and snow on your heels
Have a tipple (drink) = Cock the wee finger.
have been = been
have faith = trúa
Have no doubts about our doing it = Nae faer o wis
Have no liking for this. = Hae nae brou o this.
have not = ain't
have not= was never EXAMPLE: "I have never been there " > "I was never there "
Have one's hands full. = Hae yer ain adae.
have or have just = is after ___-ing EXAMPLE: "I have [just] bought a newspaper " > "I is after buying a newspaper "
Have other fish to fry. = Hae ither towe on ane's rock.
have to = hafta
haven't = ain't
haven't = has no EXAMPLE: "I haven't heard of them before." > "I has no heard of thems ones before."
haven't = have not
haven't = havena
haven't ever = ain't never no
haven't ever = haven't never
having = hasing
having a bad day = Up shit's creek without a paddle EXAMPLE: "She's having a bad day " > " "
Having far too many words = Prolix
having little good sense = vit-lítill
Having no appetite, incapable of = No able for.
haw = haga
he = hims EXAMPLE: "He went that way." > "Hims went that'a way."
he drinks too much = he drinks like a fish
he faces a difficult situation = He has a hard row to hoe
He finds difficulties only where he wants to. = He stummles at strae an lowps ower a linn.
He is my wife = Him be me wife so he is EXAMPLE: " She's my wife" > " She be me wife so she is"
he is thin = he doesnae hae enough room inside hims for a rheumatic pain
He knows how many beans make five. = He kens the laid frae the croun o the causey.
He knows which side his bread is buttered on. = He kens whilk side his bannock's buttert on.
He likes a good gossip = Hims a right sweetie-wife
He tripped and landed on his butt." > "Hims did took a trip and land on hims bahookie."
he would have = he'd've
head = heid
head down, ass up (Concentrate on your job) = Heid doon arse up
Head for = Mak wye for
head to head = Be at the knag and the widdie
headaches =
headed = heidit
heads of the management = high heid yins
heads of the organisation = high heid yins
healed = better
health =
heap = bing
hear = heah
heard =
heard = herest EXAMPLE: "I heard you." > "I herest ya."
heart = 'eart
heated = het or het up EXAMPLE: "She heated the tea " > "She het (up) the tea "
heaven = chimeri
heavy =
heavy fog = fog thicker than three-in-a-bed
he'd = he had; he would EXAMPLE: example not needed, same as American, except these contractions do not exist in Scottish Gypsy English, both words are used.
hedges = heiggies
heed =
height of one's powers = potestatur
held = hauden
he'll = he will; he shall EXAMPLE: example not needed, same as American, except these contractions do not exist in Scottish Gypsy English, both words are used.
He'll never fill his father's shoes. = He winna rive his faither's bunnet.
Hello = Halò
help yourself, take as much as you like = Fill yer boots
helpless =
helplessness =
her = hire
Her/him of all people! = Her/him abön aa!
here = hahe
here = heres
Here = Hither EXAMPLE: "Come here. " > "Come hither. "
Here = Hither EXAMPLE: "Let's go there. " > "Let us go thither. "
here. = here, eh?
here? = here, eh?
he's = he be EXAMPLE: " He's going to the store." > "He be going to the store."
he's drunk = he's got quite a glow on
He's fonder of drink than food. = He's waur til watter nor til corn.
He's his mother's blue-eyed boy. = His mither canna see daylicht til him.
He's made a right carry-on = He's hed him a nicht
He's not the clean potato. = He's no the berry (nor yet the buss it growed on).
He's/she's arrived, made the grade. = His/her breid's baken.
hide = hides
hiding place = Latibule
high = heich
highland = heelant
highly unlikely = That will be a foggy Friday
hillock = howe
him = im
him = um
Him be me wife = Him be me wife so he is, yes? Eh? Good. EXAMPLE: " She's my wife" > " She be me wife so she is"
him. = hims, eh?
him? = hims, eh?
hinder = hinner
hint = inkle
his = hims
history = histerie
history = historie
history = saga
hit = hitta
hold = haud
hold = haul
hold = healdan
hold = howld
Hold child to do toilet = Hadd aff
hold on for dear life = splice the main-stay
holiday = vacance
home = yom
home of black-elves = Svartalfheim
honey = hinnie
honor = honour
hood (car) = bonnet EXAMPLE: "He painted a bird on the hood." > "Hims did paint a bird on the bonnet."
hoodie = Kangaroo Jacket
hook = heuk
hope =
hopeless =
hoping =
Horse Island = Hrossey
horseman = riddari
horses = horsies
hostel = haistel
hostile = unfreendly
hot (weather) = muith
hot = swelt To swelt, to become faint with weakness or emotion, to be physically overcome, swoon. EXAMPLE: " " > " "
hot as in exhausted by heat = muith
hot as in: Excessively hot = waldin-het
hot as in: Red-hot = reid-het
hot as in: Scaldingly hot =
hot tempered = het up
hot, sultry = sweltrie
hothouse = hethoose
houdes = keirs
house = hoose
how =
how = hoo
how = hows
how = what EXAMPLE: "How old are you? " > "What age is ya? "
How are you = How the fuck are you
however = howevers
however = howevers and evers
hub = hub
huge = humungus
huh? = eh?
human beings = human sowels
humid =
humid = muith
humiliation = doun-tak
hundred = hundrit
hung = hanged
hungry = hungert
hungry = hungry as fuck
hunt =
hurt = hurts
husband = húsbóndi
hush-a-bye = vallilu
hush-hush = vallilu
hypersomnia =
Hysterics = Cryin at da hert
I (have) put it = I am after putting it EXAMPLE: "I (have) put it on the table " > "I am after putting it on the table "
I = we
I agree = ah know it
I am = Ah's
I am = I be
I am amazed = It admires me
I am bound to prune the old pear-tree in the front of the house = Ah's boon ta prune t'awd peearthree i' t' front o' t' hoose
I am fond of = Lief is me on
I am not = am no
I am the King = I is Valdr
I ate it = I be a-eat it
I ate it = I be eating it
I ate it = I been eat it
I ate it = I been eet it
I ate it = I did eat it
I ate it = I did eet it
I ate it = I do eat it
I ate it = I done eat it
I ate it = I ett it
I ate it = I gonna eat it
I ate it = I is a-gonna eat it
I can't remember his name = What's his face?
I can't see past you = ya mak a better door than a windae
I cooked it = I be a-cook it
I cooked it = I be cooking it
I cooked it = I been cook it
I cooked it = I cook it
I cooked it = I did cook it
I cooked it = I do cook it
I cooked it = I done cook it
I cooked it = I done cookit it
I cooked it = I gonna cook it
I cooked it = I is a-gonna cook it
I don't believe you = Aye, right!
I don't know = dunno
I don't know = for that I can'na talk
I don't know = I da'knows
I don't know = I know not
I don't know = I knows not
I don't look very presentable = Am a pure nick
I don't understand = I'm not entirely familiar with
I fucked it = I be a-fuck it
I fucked it = I be fucking it
I fucked it = I been fuck it
I fucked it = I did fuck it
I fucked it = I do fuck it
I fucked it = I done fuck it
I fucked it = I fuck it
I fucked it = I gonna fuck it
I fucked it = I is a-gonna fuck it
I had have = I'd've
I haven't ever owed anything to anyone = I haven't never owed nothing to no one Never have I owed nothing to no one EXAMPLE: " " > " "
I know = I have no doubt
I know = I know, eh?
I know = I knows, eh?
I know. = I know, eh?
I know. = I knows, eh?
I know? = I knows, eh?
I love = I do love
I love you = I hate ya not
I sprawled = (I) göd me lent
I surmised = I hed in me mind
I Think = Me thinks EXAMPLE: "I think we're late. " > "Me thinks that we is late. "
I thought = I hed in me mind
I took the lobster out to my car and found I had left the bag of potatoes in the trunk last night." > "Me did tooks dem dair lobstah oot to me cah an did finds me had gone and left dems bag o'tattahs in de boot oovah night."
I was ashamed to be seen with him = A thocht shame tae be seen wi him
I was bitten by mosquitos while camping in Bar Harbor." > "I's got bits up by dems dair 'sketahs whens we wents a'camping oot on Bah Hahbah."
I was so hungry I could have eaten a horse with its head covered in scabs = I was sae hungert I coulda ate a scabby heided horse
I wish you well for the future = Lang may yer lum reek (Long may your chimney smoke)
I worship you = I worshup ya
I would rather do this than that = A wad liefer dae this as that
I'd = I has EXAMPLE: "" > " "
I'd have had = I'd've
ideas = notions
ideations =
idiot = bampot
idiot = eejit
idiot = eejit EXAMPLE: "You idiot." > "Ya eejit."
idiot = numpty
idiot = shinook
if = iffy EXAMPLE: "If you don't mind..." > "Iffy yas does no care mind...."
if = yif
If you'll = Yif ye
If you'll stay with me long enough = Yif ye so longe with me wil dwelle". " > " "
ignorance = daft
ignored =
I'll = Ah'll
I'll = A'm
I'll = I will; I shall EXAMPLE: example not needed, same as American, except these contractions do not exist in Scottish Gypsy English, both words are used.
ill = illr
I'll = I'll's
I'll be even with you = A'll see day aboot wi ye
I'll give you what for = A'll gar ye claw whaur it's no yeukie
I'll not be friendly to you = A'll big nae saundy-mills wi ye
I'll wager = I tak on me
ill-favoured = puggie
illiterate = illitahate
I'm = I is; I be
I'm confussed; My head's a bit mixed up = Me heid's mince
I'm fairly done in and have no strength = I'm fair wabbit
I'm feeling = I is EXAMPLE: "I'm feeling quite thirsty " > "I is quite drouthy "
I'm feeling very tired = Am pure done in
I'm going = I'ma gone EXAMPLE: "I'm going to the store " > "I'ma gone to the shop "
I'm not so familiar with him = A'm no that faur ben wi him
I'm ready for bed = I'm sheets
I'm short of breath. = I be fair puckled
I'm tired = I'm sheets
I'm unable to work = Laid up
immigrant = Off the Boat
Impaired =
impertinence (an air of) = sneist
implement = implement
important = impahtant
impudence = backjaw
in = in
in = ithin
in a bad mood = owly EXAMPLE: "She's in a bad mood today, " > "She's some owly today "
in a commotion = asteir
in a minute = EXAMPLE: "I'll be there in a minute " > "I'll be there shortly "
In a state of watchfulness = Apo da amp
in a worse place =
In arrears = Ahint the haund
in being = tae be
In extreme poverty = In pör hoger
In high spirits = Up in his/her cuddy
In place of = In room o
in spite of = maugre
in that direction = an that yon road
in the = i' t'
In the horns of a dilemma. = Atween the wind an the waw
in the morning =
in there = ine
in use = usage
inability =
including = includin
inclusive = inclusive
increase = bigg up EXAMPLE: "To increase research activity with respect to the understanding, use and future position of
Increase, as wind = Tak up
Increased = Heichtened
indebted = behauden
indecisiveness =
indeed = atweill
influenza = flu
informal =
injunction = interdict
inland = Upalong
innermost = benmaist
innovation = new notions
insane, crazy person = radge
Insomnia =
inspect =
inspirational = inspirational
install = insta'
install = instaw
Institute = Institute
insult = miscaw
intend = vilja
intercede =
interest =
interesting =
internationally = internationally
interrogate = backspeir
intimate = intimatit
intimate = faur ben
into = intae
Inverness = Inbhir Nis
investigate =
Invitation to come into a house = Come awa in
Invitation to come into a house = Come dee wis in
Ironic remark suggesting that I'm not believing you = I hear dee
Irritable =
irritable = Twitchy
is = be
is = is fucking
is always = stay
Is courting = (Is) Gotten a lass/laad
is not = ain't
Is not = Isnae
is suicidal, but is too depressed to act on their ideations =
is that = ita
island = islaund
Islands = Islands
isn't = ain't
isn't = is not
isn't = is not EXAMPLE: example not needed, same as American, except these contractions do not exist in Scottish Gypsy English, both words are used.
isn't it? = Int it?
isolated = isolatit
isolation =
issues =
it = da
it = hit
it is not = 'tisn't
it is the same thing = it is six of one and a half dozen of the other
It never rains it pours. = Ill comes upo waur's back.
It serves him right. = It's weel wared on him
It started to rain heavily = He jöst lowsed
it was = 'twas
It was fortunate = Hit wis a mercy
It won't make a difference = It'll never odds
It won't wash = It winna pottie
it. = it, eh?
it? = it, eh?
itch = yeuk
itchy = yeukie
items =
It'll cost ye a bonnie penny = It'll cost you a lot
it's = it
It's a = It a
It's a bad day = He's him a day
It's a fairly long time ago now = It's a gey while nou
It's a good thing = It's a mercy
It's a good word to describe someone's extremely loud, booming voice. = Stentorian
It's all cut and dry = It's a tee'd baw
It's all sewn up = It's a tee'd baw
it's cold outside = It be right cold outside
it's cold outside = it'll freeze yer tits right off out there
It's going to rain (soon, tomorrow,) = It giving rain (soon, tomorrow,) EXAMPLE: "It's going to rain tomorrow " > "It giving rain for tomorrow "
It's hard going = It a sair fecht
It's not = It'sn't
It's raining = It be giving rain
it's raining = it's weatherin'
it's your own fault = Hell slap it intae ye
itself = itsel
I've = I did has
I've = I has
I've had a difficult day = (A'm) Hed me a day o'm
jack = jeek
jack-of-the-lantern = jack-o'-lantern
jagged = jaggit
jagged = jaggt
James = Jaymay
jasper = jaspah
jaw = gob
jawbreaker = gobstopper
jaws = shafts
jeer = jamph
jejune =
jelly doughnut = bismarck
jelly-filled doughnut = jam buster
jellyfish = jellyfeesh
jest = jamph
jockeying =
joined = jyned
jolly = sonsie
journey = turn
joy = joy
joy = pleisance
Jubilant = EXAMPLE: "I feel so jubilant about getting a raise at work! " > " "
Jump for joy = Dance yer lane
just = jus'
just after = at the back EXAMPLE: "I'll stop by just after eight o'clock " > "I'll come round at the back of eight "
Just all that sort of thing = Juist aw the like o thae things
Just got back = Jöst weel back
Keep away = Hadd aff
Keep one's word. = Haud tryst.
Keep something for a rainy day. = Keep something for a sair fit.
Keep the pot boiling. = Haud the cuddie reekin.
Keep your ambitions within bounds = Flee laich an flee lang
keeps on = steady
Kept = keeped
key = key
kid = kehd
killed = killed dead
killed her = killed her dead
killed him = killed him dead
killed it = killed it dead
killed them = killed them dead
kimmer = commère
kind = kin
king = Konign
king = valdr
king, crowning, crowned, had been crowned = king, kinging, kang, kinged, kung, kunged
kingdom = kinrick
kingdom = kongungdum
kiss my ass = Kiss me rosy red arse
kitchen = scullery
Kitchen and parlour = but an ben
kneal = knylle EXAMPLE: "Kneal before your Lord" > "Knylle afore ya Laird"
kneeled = knelt
knew =
knew = fucking knew
knives = knifes
knock = tunk
knock down = caw doun
Knock over = caw ower
knocked = tunked EXAMPLE: "She knocked on the door " > "She tunked on the door "
knoll = knowe
know = is aware of
know = kan
know = ken
know = know
know = know that EXAMPLE: "I know you are coming " > " I know that you are coming"
know = knows
know = tnowe
know. = know, eh?
know? = know, eh?
known = have been knowing
known = kent
labour = labor
lady (title) = frauna
lady = lady
laik's (marbles in play) = yakes
lake = loch
lall = la'
lall = law
lamb =
lament = Tak on
land = laund
land = lan
land breeze = laund braeze
land cave = laund cave
landfall = laundfall
landform = laundform
land-ho = laund-ho
landing = laundin'
landlover = laundlubbah
landmine = laundmine
landspout = laundspoot
Language = Language
language = tonge
language = tunga
lantern = bouat
larch = larik
large = lairge
large meal = scoff
large meat plate =
large, clumsy fellow = gollumpus
largest = lairgest
lasting a short time = Fugacious
late = ahin-haun
Later = Anon EXAMPLE: "I'll see you later. " > "I will sees ya anon. "
later = laters
Lathargic =
Latin = latyn
Latin = the Laitin
laugh = gaggle
laugh = lach
laugh = lauch
laugh in a suppressed or furtive way = smue
laugh quietly = sneister
laugh quietly = snigger
laughed =
laughed = laucht
laughed = leuch
laughed = leuchen
Laughing = lauchin
Laughter = lauchter
law = lagu
lawyer = lawyah
lay = lye EXAMPLE: "He lay beside me." > "Himes did lye besides me."
laying = lyin
laying about = lollying about
Lazy = paralysis of the galluses
leaders = high heid yins
lean = lene
leaned = lent
leap = lowp
leaped = lept
learn = lair
learned = learnt
learning = lairneen
learning = learneen
least = leastest
leather =
leather = laither
leave = lea
leave = leave off
leave = leaves
leave = piss off
Leave alone or leave off = Lat sit
leaves = leafs
leaving someplace = let's boot 'er
leaving someplace = let's get hoofing
left = lefts
leg = læggr
leg = leggr
lend = len
length = lenth
let = leetit
Let him be hoist by his own petard = Lat his ain wand ding him
Let it be known, disclose a fact = Lat licht
Let the children look after themselves = Lat the bairns fend for thairsels
Lethbridge, Alberta = Deathbridge
let's = let us EXAMPLE: example not needed, same as American, except these contractions do not exist in Scottish Gypsy English, both words are used.
Let's get out of here! = Mach à Seo!
Let's go = Mach à Seo!
level =
leveled = levelled
licence = leeshens
Lie low until it blows over = Jouk an lat the jaw gang by
life = lyf
life. = life, eh?
life? = life, eh?
lifeless =
lift = lifte up
lift = lyfta
light = licht
light elf = Ljósálfr
light-elves = Ljósálfar
like = just ball suckingly like
like = just cock suckingly like
like = just fucking like
like = leck
like = likes
Like = Not unlike
Like a bolt from the blue = Like a slung-stane
likely = líklígr
likes = laeks
line = queue
link = lænk
lips = lippis
list = leet
literature = leeteratur
literature = the literatures
little = peerie
little bit = bittie
little finger = pinkie
Little to no social interaction =
live = stay EXAMPLE: "Where do you live? " > "Where does ys stay? "
lived = livit
lived in = dwelled therin EXAMPLE: "Who have frequented the court and lived in it " > "That used have court and dwelled therin "
Liver =
lives = bides EXAMPLE: " lives a Hatter" > "bides a Hatter "
lives = lifes
living = kvikr
living being = kvikindi
living room in a house = parlor
load = laid
loan = lán
loaves = laifs
loaves = loafs
lobster = lobby
lobster = lobstah
lobster with eggs = berried lobster
local idiot = Chucklehead
locally = haemaboot
located = locatit
lock = loak
logged = logit
Lolling around doing nothing = Aetin da bread o idlesaet
lonely. = lonely, eh?
lonely? = lonely, eh?
Long = Goodly Length EXAMPLE: "A long time ago. " > "A goodly length in times past. "
long = lang
long = longe
long distance, long ways = fair way EXAMPLE: "It's a good distance to Skye from here " > It be a fair way to Skye from here" "
long enough = longe with me wil dwelle
look (noun) =
look (noun) = air
look (noun) = appearance
look (noun) = aspect
look (noun) = attitude
look (noun) = attractive
look (noun) = bearing
look (noun) = beautiful
look (noun) = blind
look (noun) = cast
look (noun) = character
look (noun) = comely
look (noun) = condition
look (noun) = countenance
look (noun) = cute
look (noun) = demeanor
look (noun) = expression
look (noun) = face
look (noun) = fashion
look (noun) = feature
look (noun) = figure
look (noun) = form
look (noun) = front
look (noun) = gorgeous
look (noun) = grimace
look (noun) = grin
look (noun) = guise
look (noun) = handsome
look (noun) = lovely
look (noun) = manner
look (noun) = mannerism
look (noun) = mien
look (noun) = mode
look (noun) = outline
look (noun) = pose
look (noun) = represent
look (noun) = resemble
look (noun) = scowl
look (noun) = screen
look (noun) = shape
look (noun) = smile
look (verb) =
look (verb) = admire
look (verb) = appear
look (verb) = attend
look (verb) = behold
look (verb) = consider
look (verb) = contemplate
look (verb) = examine
look (verb) = explore
look (verb) = eye
look (verb) = eyeball
look (verb) = feast one's eyes
look (verb) = flash
look (verb) = focus
look (verb) = follow up
look (verb) = forage
look (verb) = gape
look (verb) = gawk
look (verb) = gaze
look (verb) = glance
look (verb) = glower
look (verb) = goggle
look (verb) = heed
look (verb) = hunt
look (verb) = informal
look (verb) = inspect
look (verb) = investigate
look (verb) = mark
look (verb) = mind
look (verb) = notice
look (verb) = observe
look (verb) = ogle
look (verb) = peek
look (verb) = peep
look (verb) = peer
look (verb) = pore over
look (verb) = probe
look (verb) = quest
look (verb) = read
look (verb) = regard
look (verb) = research
look (verb) = resemble
look (verb) = rubberneck
look (verb) = scan
look (verb) = scout
look (verb) = scrutinize
look (verb) = search
look (verb) = see
look (verb) = seek
look (verb) = seem
look (verb) = spot
look (verb) = spy
look (verb) = stare
look (verb) = study
look (verb) = survey
look (verb) = take a gander
look (verb) = take in
look (verb) = take look
look (verb) = track
look (verb) = view
look (verb) = watch
look = leuk
look = look see
look = lookie
look = looks
look = luik
look after = tak aboot
Look after = Tak up EXAMPLE: " " > "Yon's a heavy burden ta tak up yon bairns. "
Look sorry for oneself = Pit on a sair face
looked = lokid EXAMPLE: "I looked up." > "I lifte up me eye ledes and lokid ferther."
looked = lookt
looking for = after EXAMPLE: "What are you looking for? " > "What ye after? "
loom = lume
loose = lauss
loose = lowse
Loose ones temper with = Faw oot (up)on
loosing their temper = flying off the handle
lord = laird EXAMPLE: "He is the lord of the manor." > "Hims be the laird of the manor."
lose = tyne
loser = skid
loss =
Loss of interest =
Loss of interest in activities or hobbies =
Loss of pleasure in life =
Loss of sex drive =
Lost, generally at sea = Cassen awa
lost. = lost, eh?
lost? = lost, eh?
loud mouth = miklimunnr
love =
love = fucking loves
love = loe
love = loves
love. = love, eh?
love? = love, eh?
lovely =
lover = lubbah
low = lágr
low level =
low quality = slack
Lowlands = Lallans
lowlife = skid
Loyalist type hat = tricorne
Luckless = unsonsie
lullaby = baloo
lurch =
lying =
Lying pathologically. = Leein like a horse cowper
madam = ma'am
Made a fuss = Made a wark
Made helpless = owertakken
magistrate = bailie
Mainer = Mainah
Major =
major = majah
Mak saut tae yer kail = Mak saut tae yer kail
make a fool of me = make me look a fool
Make a good start to a job = Git your fit apo da neck o da wark
Make or mar, make what you will of it. = Mak a kirk or a mill o't.
make pregnant = bairn
makes = maks
Making fun of = Takkin aff
making maple syrup = sap boiling
making tea = boil the kettle
maks = makes
male = Elf
malison = melishan
mall = ma'
mall = maw
malt = maut
mammouth = mammo
man = b'y
man = Gadgie
man = male
man = male Elf
man = person
man of confused ideas = hubble-bubble fellow
man of the house = fear an taighe EXAMPLE: "one more drink before you leave " > "drink at the door "
man or woman of boston in america = pompkin
manner =
mannerism =
mansion =
manure = Barn scrapings
many = great many
many = mony
March = Mairch
mare = meer
mark =
Markedly =
marks = mairks
marks = merke
marrow = marrae
marsh, grassy coastal plain = machair
marshmallow = marshmaaow
marvellous = ball suckingly marvellous
marvellous = bloody marvellous
marvellous = blue ball suckingly marvellous
marvellous = cock suckingly marvellous
marvellous = Elf fuckingly marvellous
marvellous = fucking, bloody marvellous
marvellous = fucking, cock suckingly marvellous
marvellous = fuckingly marvellous
mash = smash EXAMPLE: "She will mash the potatoes. " > "She will smash the botatoes. "
mashed = fucking smashed EXAMPLE: "She mashed the potatoes. " > "She smashed the botatoes. "
mashed = smashed EXAMPLE: "She mashed the potatoes. " > "She smashed de tatties. "
mashed = smashed EXAMPLE: "She mashed the potatoes. " > "She smashed the botatoes. "
mashed = smashitEXAMPLE: " " > "
mask =
master of ceremonies = fear an taighe EXAMPLE: "one (drink) for the road " > "drink at the door "
math = maths
math = the maths
matt = albus
matted =
matter = mattah
maw = maga
may = ___ (removed - does not exist in speech)
may not = mayn't
May you always have fuel for warmth and food in the house = Lang may yar lum reek and a wee mouse never leaves yar cupboard with a tear in its eye.
Maybe = Mayhap or Belike EXAMPLE: "Maybe I'll bring the beer. " > "Mayhap I will fetch the ale. "
me = mey
me too = Gotta git me some trout
Me, too = So don't I
me. = me, eh?
me? = me, eh?
meadow = meidae
meal = meil
mealworm = meiloorm
mean = stingy
mean. = mean, eh?
mean? = mean, eh?
meaning = meanin
means = moyen
medications =
Meditation =
meek = miúkr
meet = meet
meet = meit
men = abrams
men = anglers
men = drummerers
men = drunken tinkers
men = fraters
men = fresh water mariners
men = Gadgies
men = hookers
men = jarkmen
men = palliardes
men = patricoes
men = pedlars
men = priggers of prancers
men = rogues
men = rufflers
men = swadders
men = upright men
men = whip jackets
men = wild rogues
mend = men
mental =
mental health workers =
mesmerized = taen-like
mess (a mess) = a muddle
mice = meese
midnight = midnicht
mien =
might = micht
might have = micht've
mightn't = michtna
mightn't = might not EXAMPLE: example not needed, same as American, except these contractions do not exist in Scottish Gypsy English, both words are used.
mighty = skookum
miles = mile
millions. = millions, eh?
millions? = millions, eh?
mince = minsh
mind =
minerals = meenerals
mingle, mingleing, mingled = mingle, mingleing, mangle, mangled, mingled, mungle, mungled
minstrel = bard
miracle =
mirrored = mirrahit
miscall = miscaw
Mischievous = wansonsie
mischievous unhandsome = unsonsie
misfortune = ill sonse
Misfortunes or mishaps occur to the best = Der mony a guid horse snappered
Mismatched clothing =
missing =
mistake = mistak
Mistaken = mistaen
Mistaken = mistakken
mistook = misteuk
mistook = misteukken
Misunderstood = misbeteuk
misuse = disabuise
mixed = mixit
mixture =
Moan = Mak maen
mock = jamph
Mockery = jamphin
mocking remark = afftak
mode =
modern = modren
molasses and butter on bread = butter and lassied
molasses bread = Lassybread
molasses cookies = dory plugs
mole = modiewort
mole = Mowie
moll = mow
mom = mum
mommy = mummy
Monday = After Bazaar
Monday = Luna Dae (Moon)
Monday = Mona Dae
Monday = Monandæg
Monday = Monanday
Monday = the Monday
money = bawbees
monitoring =
monk = munkr
monkey = pug
Monkey-like = puggie
monster = fucking monstah
monster = monstah
mood =
moon = muin
moon = mune
mooned = shining moonbeams: EXAMPLE: "He mooned someone." > "Hims shining moonbeams."
moonlight = moonlicht
moonlit = moonlicht
moor = mair
moor = muir
moose (plural) = meese or mooses EXAMPLE: "There's a herd of moose over there." > "Thems be a herd of meese yawn over there." or "Thems be a herd of mooses yawn over there."
more = mair
more = mahe
more = mowa
MORE EXAMPLES OF MULTIPLE WORDS COMBINED:"
more then = moring
morning =
morning = forenoon
Morning = Morrow EXAMPLE: "Good morning, ma'am. " > "Good morrow, me lady. "
Morsel = Mooth a maet
mosquito = mosquitee or mosquitah
moss = mosi
most = maist
most = maste
most = mestr
most = most -est EXAMPLE: " most unkind" > " most unkindest"
most = mostest
most in use here = most here of usage
most of the day =
mostly = maistly
mother = maer
mother = mither
mother = mothah
mother = mum
motor = motah
mould = mold
mould = mool
mouldwarp = moudiewarp
mouldwarp = moudiewort
mountain = ben
mountain refuge = bothy
mouse = moose
mouth = moo
mouth = mou
mouth = peep
move = meuve
moved = move Ed
moving = flitting
Moving from one leg to another = Aff a leg an on a leg
much = mjok
Much good may it do you = Muckle guid mey it dae ye
Much in little = Guid gear in smaw bouk
Much talking makes one thirsty = Mony wirds, muckle drouth
mused =
mushroom = sveppur
must = ___ (removed - does not exist in speech)
must = maun
Must be = Böst ta be
must have = must'of
must have = must've
Must have been = Böst til a been
mustn't = mauna
mustn't = must not EXAMPLE: example not needed, same as American, except these contractions do not exist in Scottish Gypsy English, both words are used.
mustn't = mustna
mustn't = must'na
my = ma
my = mah
My = Me
my = me blooming
my = mk
My dear = My jewel at du is
my wife = me wife
my wife = the wife
myself = meself
myself = meself; oneself
nail = nagl
naked = nakit
naked = nøkkviðr
nationally = nationally
native = kynde or kin
Native district = Cauf kintra
nature (characteristic quality) = náttúra
nature = lund
Nearby = Athin cry-rekk
nearly =
nearly = hauflins
nearly = nær
nearly every day =
necessity = needcessity
neck = hause
Necromancer. = Necromancer, eh?
Necromancer? = Necromancer, eh?
need = is needing or needs be EXAMPLE: "My hair needs to be washed " > "Me hair is needing washed or Me hair needs be washed "
need = needs
needle = bodkin
needn't = needna
needs o Shetland fokk. "
needs of the people of Shetland. " > "Dis objectives gings alang wi wir strategy tae be collaborative an inclusive, an da language plan
nefarious =
neighbor = buddy up the road EXAMPLE: "My neighbor helped me shovel out " > "Buddy up the road helped me shovel out "
neighbor = nábúi
neighbor = Neebour
neighbor = Neebur
neighbor = neighbour
neighbor's wife = Neebour weifs
neither = hvárgi
neither = neithers
neither = nouther EXAMPLE: "Who know neither Latin nor French " > "That kan nouther latyn ne frensch "
Neither one thing nor another = Noo an sae
Neither one thing or another = Naither eechie nor ochie
nervous = having kittens EXAMPLE: "He's been nervous about something all day." > "Hims been having kittens all day."
never = ne'er
never = nevah
never = never ever
never = never no
never = not ever
never = nuvah
never had = never gots
Never managed to go/come = Never wan
never-do-well = ne'er-do-well
new = nyr
new vegetables from the garden = a bowl of Hodge Podge
New York = Newyawk
New Zealand = Sealainn Nuadh
new-fangled = new-farrant
newly = new
newly arrived = ný-kominn
newly churned = new-cawed
news = njósn
next = næstr
next = neist
next to = neist
Nice = Not too shabby
night = nicht
night = nótt
nine thirty = nine fucking thirty
no = nae
no = nay
No = Nay EXAMPLE: "No, I don't think so. " > "Nay, me thinks not. "
no = no not
No great shakes = Nae great cowp
No sir = No suh
No source of gain is beneath his miserly attention. = He wad skin a loose for the tauch.
No visitors =
No way = no sirree The appropriate response is "Ya suh! EXAMPLE: " " > " "
Nobody knew = not-knew nobody
nodded =
none = nane
none = neinn
non-speakers = dem at døsna spaek
Noontide = Da heicht o da day
normal =
North = Nawth
North = nor
north = up north
North West = nor-wast
norther nmost = northrenmaist
Northern = Northern
nose =
not = naet
not = no
Not as deaf as he pretends = No sae deif as he lats on
Not everyone has that sort of thing. = Ilka body disna hae the like o that.
Not in the mood = Aff the fang
not lifting a finger = paralysis of the galluses
not my job to do = outwith me remit
Not reactive to sound or interaction =
Not so bad = No datn ill
Not so bad = No sae ill
Not very happy = A face like a bulldog chewin' a wasp.
NOTE: -ar often becomes -ah
NOTE: -ed is pronounced as though it was a separate word, like the name "Ed"
NOTE: -er often becomes -ah
NOTE: Extra words are often added. EXAMPLE: "Did you meet the new family next door?" > "Dids ya gets a chance to stop by and meets with thems new folk that move-ed in down yawn there next doors to ya, eh?"
NOTE: Extra words are often added. EXAMPLE: "He went to Rite-Aid to pick up his prescription" > "Hims did go to that yawn there new fangled store the new folks call that Rite Aid place, to gets himself some of thems there pills what the doctor gone and tells him to take each morning, a-yep, hims did."
NOTE: licence is a noun and license is a verb
NOTE: Long words are often not able to be pronounced at all and are replaced entirely: air conditioner = that there thingy hanging off the windee
NOTE: Long words are often not able to be pronounced at all and are replaced entirely: Chrysler = that there big old car
NOTE: Long words are often not able to be pronounced at all and are replaced entirely: prescription = thems there pills
NOTE: -o often becomes -ee but can sometimes become -ah
NOTE: -or often becomes -ah
NOTE: -or- sometimes becomes -air-
NOTE: practice is a noun and practise is a verb
NOTE: some words are changed entirely
NOTE: sometimes there is no logic to it
NOTE: There are also phonetic words, that we do spell out phonetically when we write them. These spellings are CORRECT.
NOTE: verbs are often reversed
NOTE: words that change the ending to t when plural, become -ed instead
NOTE: y to i when adding -ed becomes t
Noted = Taen til
Nothing = Naught EXAMPLE: "I have nothing. " > "I has but naught. "
nothing = nocht
nothing = nuthin'
Nothing = nuttin
notice =
notice = notish
noticed = noticit
notorious = Taen til
Nova Scotia = Alba Nuadh
Novel (unique) = new-farrant
November = Novembah
now = noo
now = nou
now = nows
now = nu
Now and again. = Back an fore EXAMPLE: " " > "He göd ta da fishin back an fore. "
now. = now, eh?
now? = now, eh?
nowadays = nouadays
nut = nit
Nutritious =
Nutritious food =
oafish = unfarrant
oak = aik
oak = eik
oath = eiðr
oatmeal = porridge
oats = aits
oats = yits
objectives =
objectives = objectives
obliged = behauden
Observational =
Observational skills =
observe =
obstreperous = abstraklous
occasional = antrin
Occupied with = On the heid o
Occur to = Faa afore EXAMPLE: " " > "Hit faas afore me at du's been here afore. "
October = Octobah
odd = odda
of = fir EXAMPLE: "These objectives are in line with our strategy in being collaborative and inclusive, and the language
of = o
of = o'
of = uv
of being = o bein
of the = o' t'
of the clock = o'clock
Of the same name = O that ilk
off (go to) = awa
off = aff
off = off of EXAMPLE: "Take that off the table " > "Take that off of me table "
Off the mark = Aff the gleg
off to church = awa tae the kirk
officers = offishers
often = aft
often = aften
often = opt
ogle =
oh = och or awk
oh dear = dear oh dear, oh dear
oh good = oh goody
oh good = oh goody goody
oh good = oh goody goody gumdrops
oh good = oh goody gumdrops
oh my = Oh me dear dying Moses
oh my = Oh, me fuckin nerves!
oh my = Oh, me nerves!
oh my god =
oh my! = Fuck me!
oh no = oh no, oh dear oh dear
oh yes = och aye or awk aye or ahya
Oh, I don't believe you = Ach, away ye go!
old = age EXAMPLE: "How old are you? " > "What age is ya? "
old = ald
Old = auld
old = not as young as
old = ol'
old = olde EXAMPLE: "But educated and uneducated, old and young " > "Bot lered and lewed olde and yonge "
Old hat = A new tout on an auld horn
old man = bodach
old woman = cailleach
old, feeble person = bauchle
Old-fashioned persons or things = auld-farrant
on back = a back
on back = on bæc
ON the desk =
on the road = agate
once = aince
once = ance
one =
one = ane
one = een
one = yae
One against the other = Tane fornenst da tidder
one thirty = one fucking thirty
One who does small jobs = Jobler
one who reads too much = Bibliobibuli
One's daily routine. = Auld claes an parritch.
onion = sybo
only = anerlie
open = oba
open = opinn
Open/opened the door fully = Set da door ta da back
opportunities = opportunities
Oppose = caw ag in
opting to go neither one way or another = Middle of the road
orange = o'jinn
other = ither
other = othah
Ouch, you bastard! = ah ya bastart
ought = ___ (removed - does not exist in speech)
our = wir
our = órr
our = vor
our = wir
our = wur
Our neighbour ( male) = Wir neebor man
our own people = Wir ain fowk
ourselves = ourselfs
out = oot
out = oot EXAMPLE: "The cat wants to go out." > "The kat he do wants oot."
out = owt
out = út
out loud = alood
out of him = outuvum
out of humour = Aff the fang
outdoor entrance to the basement / cellar = bulkhead
outer = outah
outlaw = útlagi
outline =
outside = ootside
outside of = outwith
outsiders = ootsidahs
over = abune
over = over there
over = ower
over = yfir
OVER the desk =
overcome (Made helpless) = owertakken
over-cooked it = done it brown
overdue = back-haun
overtake = owertak
overwrought = oahwrowt
overwrought = oerwrowt
overwrought = overwrowt
own = ain
owned = acht
ox = uxi
oxen = yxen
pains =
paintings = paintins
pale, sick, sickly, injured = peely-wally EXAMPLE: "you're looking awfuly pale and sickly. What have you broken this time? " > "ya're looking awfly peely-wally. What ya gone an' broken this time? "
pall = pa'
pall = paw
palm = loof
panties = skivvies
pantry = aumrie
paralise = paralize
parasite = skimler
park = pahk
park = pairk
parlour = ben-end
parrot = pahrot
part = pairt
Partake = partak
partial = hauflins
partially = hauflins
particularly =
partition in byre = trevis
partly = hauflins
partners = pairtners
partnership = pairtnership
party = pairty
pasture = gras
pat = pæt
pattering =
pause =
paused =
pavilion = tjald
pay = Creash the luif
Pay no attention (also never leet) = Never ant
peanut butter, marshmallow, and jelly sandwich = fluffernutter
pear = peear
pears = peres
pear-tree = peearthree
peek =
peep =
peer =
penis = gaying instrument
penis = pecker
penis = peckerhead
penis = prick
penny = penning
people = fokk EXAMPLE: "the people of Shetland " > "Shetland fokk "
people = folk
people = folke EXAMPLE: "Look at all those people." > "Lookie at all thems folke."
people = folks
people = fowk
people. = people, eh?
people? = people, eh?
perhaps = aiblins
Perhaps = Perchance EXAMPLE: "Perhaps we'll meet then. " > "Perchance we will meet then. "
Perhaps yes and perhaps doubtful = Mebbe ay an mebbe umhum
persevere = caw awa
Persian = Persie
Persistent =
person with untidy hair = all mops and brooms
perverse = thraward
pessimism =
pester = niggle
phobia = collywobble
Physical appearance
Physical sensations
physician =
physiological =
pick up = tak up
Pickled herring pieces = Solomon Grundy
picture = pictur
pictured = picturit
pig = grice
pillow = pillae
pine and die = swairten
ping, pinging, pinged, did ping = ping, pinging, pang, panged, pinged, pung, punged
pink. = pink, eh?
pink? = pink, eh?
pissed off = scunnered or totally scunnered EXAMPLE: "I believe no-one knows Latin " > "Latyn as I trowe can nane "
pity = peety
plain = unsonsie
Plan = Plan
plan supports our vision of being an inspirational hub of innovation and learning designed to meet the
Plan to do something = Mak up
Planned = Laid on EXAMPLE: " " > "We wir laid on ta meet. "
plant the potatoes = lay the potatoes
play truant = cordiner
playing = frolicking
Playing in water = Skiddlin'
pleasant appearance = weel-farrant
pleasant demeanour = weel-farrant
Pleasantry = EXAMPLE: "Jill and Linda exchanged pleasantries today." "The crowd giggled when they heard the pleasantries Fred had to share." " > " "
Please = Prithee or Pray EXAMPLE: "Please, what is the cost? " > "Prithee, what be the cost? "
please repeat that = eh?
Pleased with = Made up wi
pleases = laeks
pleasing = winsome
pleasure =
pleasure = pleisance
plough = pleuch
plough = pyoo
plover = plovah
plump = sonsie
plums = plummes
poacher = powtchah
pocket =
poet = bard
point = pynt
points =
points = pynts
poke = pakke
police = boaby
police = pollis
poll = pow
Pollock = Bluefish
polotician = politeecian
pony = Pownie
poodle = poodle dog
pool = pule
poor = puir
poor = underprivileged
poorly = febelly EXAMPLE: "Who know French very poorly " > "That kan frensch ful febelly "
porch on a triple-decker house = piazza
pore over =
Porridge = parritch
Porridge = purritch
pose =
position =
position = poseetion
posterior = bahookie
Postpartum =
Posture
potato = potatee or potatah
potato = tattah
potatoes = botatoes
potatoes = tatties
pot-luck dinner = scoff
pounds = pound
poured out = pour Ed out
practice sorcery = síða
praise = roose
pregnant = bun in the oven
Presentable = gate-farrant
presently = belyve
press =
Pretend = Mak on
pretentious = pounce
prettily = bonnie
pretty = bonnie
pretty = bonny EXAMPLE: "What pretty flowers!" > "What bonny flowers!"
Prevent from getting bored = Hadd oot a langer
priest = prestr
principal = preencipal
printed = prentit
private = ain
private gate = back-yett
privilege = ain
probe =
proceed = caw awa
Proceed carefully = Caw cannie
process =
professers = professahs
projects = projects
promote = fordle
promote = promote
proper/school English =
prosperity = bienness
prosperity = sonse
prosperous = sonsie
protected = cloustered EXAMPLE: "Her family keeps her well protected." > "She be wicked cloustered."
proud = prúðr
prove = prie
proved = proven
provision = proveesion
provisions = vivers
Proxemics (personal space)
prune = prune
Psychotic =
published = publisht
pudding = puddin'
puddle =
pull = poo
pull = pu'
pull = pullian
Pull on, as trousers = Draa on
Pull, push, hit hard. = Come a daisy
Pulling one's weight = Hingin in the brecham
pulpit = pu'pit
purse = pockabook
pushes =
pussy = Petunia
Put in his place, snubbed, rebuffed = Pit his gas at a peep
Put one's nose out of joint = Pit oot yer ee
Put the millers eye out. = Droun the miller.
quaint = auld-farrant
qualified = qualifiit
Quarrel = Cast oot
quest =
question = backspeir
quick = queek
quicken = queeken
quickly = shortly EXAMPLE: "Come quickly " > "Come shortly "
Quite a while = Braa start
quoth = quo
rabbit = wabbit
race = rás
rack = ra'
rage = dinger EXAMPLE: "He's ina rage " > "Hims gone dinger "
rail (rant) = flyte
railed = flytit
railing (ranting) = flytin
Railing abuse = scauld
rain is coming = mackerel sky
rainy, dull, miserable, overcast = EXAMPLE: "What a dull, miserable, overcast day " > "What a dreich day! "
rainy, overcast day = dreich EXAMPLE: "another rainy day today " > "another dreich day today "
raise = heichten
raise = ræisa
raise = reisa
raised = raised up
raised = raisit
rake (verb) = raka
ran = run EXAMPLE: "He ran away." > "Him run away" or "Hims did run away."
rang =
ransack = rannsaka
rant = flyte
ranted = flytit
ranting = flytin
rape =
rare = antrin
rarly = Once in a blue moon.
rat = Rattan
Rather wet = Kinda weety wye
rattler = rattlah
raven = hrafn
Ravens = Tumbler Turkeys
read =
read = rade
ready = boun
ready-to-go = ready-to-go as fuck
real =
real = richt
realise = realize
realised =
really =
really = really fucking
Really good. = Really, really good.
Really? = Really? Funny that.
reason = mense
Reasonably comfortable = Owre weel aff
recall = reca'
recall = recaw
receive = þiggja
Recently = (A) Little ago
reckless = nutter EXAMPLE: "He is being reckless." > "Him be a nutter."
recognise = recognize
Recognising = Recognisin EXAMPLE: "Recognising the bilingual nature of Shaetlan speakers " > "Recognisin da wye at Shaetlan spaekers is bilingual "
recognize =
recovered from illness = better
Recurring =
Recurring thoughts of death =
red = ru
red = reid
red = ruadh
red-bearded = rauðskeggkaðr
Red-hot = reid-het
reef = rif
reek (verb) = rjúka
refer = refah
Refraining =
refried =
regard =
register =
reindeer = hreinn
related = relation
relaxation of the scrotum = whiffles
religion = releegion (4 sylables)
religions = releegions
remain (stay) = bide EXAMPLE: "Remain with me or Stay with me " > "Bide with me "
remain = bide
Remembered = Cam in mind o
remembering =
represent =
repulsive, off-putting = scunner! EXAMPLE: "That's extremely off-putting " > "That a right scunner! "
research =
research = resaerch
resemble =
respite = baurley
Restles =
restlessness =
restroom = privy EXAMPLE: "Where is the restroom? " > "Where be the privy? "
retarded = retahdit
retards = retahds
Return only after a long time = Come (back) wi the blind cairier
return soon = Haste Ye Back
ribbon = clootie
ribbon = clootie EXAMPLE: "She tied a pink ribbon in her hair." > "She did tie a pink clouttie in her hairs."
rice =
rid = ryðia
ride over = ríða
rider = riddari
ridge = rig
riding = reið
riff-raff = canaillie
right = rétt
right = richt
right back down =
right now = right fucking now
right. = , eh?
right. = right, eh?
right? = , eh?
right? = right, eh?
rightly = rétt
rights = richts
ringing =
rip (verb) = rífa
rise (verb) = rísa
risque = cheeky
river = fljót
road =
road = avenue
rock =
rock = roak
roll = bap
roll = row
roof = ræfr
roof gutter = rone
room = ruim
room = rúm
root = rót
Root and branch. = Crap an ruit
rope = reip
rotate =
rotten = rotinn
rough, windy waves = loppy water
row (verb) = róa
row = rowe
rower's seat = sess
rowing = rowin
rubberneck =
rude = unfarrant
rule (verb) = ráða
ruler = valdr
rumbled = rummlt
Rummage through = caw throu
rumor = rumah
rural = landward
rush (verb) = rasa
sad = have a long face
sad. = sad, eh?
sad? = sad, eh?
saddle = soðull
said = says
sail (verb) = sigla
sail = segl
sailing = sigling
saint = sante
sake = skyld
sale = sala
sallow = sauch
salt = saut
salve = saw
same = sami
same = samr
same age as = ages wi' EXAMPLE: "She's the same age as him " > "She's ages wi' him "
sample = blaud
sand = san
sand = sandr
sandwich = an Italian
sandy = sahdeen
Santa will not come down your chimney because you've been cheeky = Santa Clause will no come doon yar lum, just for yar cheek!
sarcasm = afftakkin
satisfaction = pleisance
Saturday = After the Gathering
Saturday = Half good day
Saturday = Sæternesdæg
Saturday = Saturnus (Saturn)
Saturday = Sun-eve (Eve of Sunday)
Saturday = the Saturday
Saturday = Wash Day or Bath day
saw = beholding EXAMPLE: "I saw them." > "I beholding thems."
saw = sagu
saw = seen
say again = eh?
saying = sayin'
says = sez
scald = scaud
Scaldingly hot = plot het
scallops = skawlups
scan =
scant = skamt
scarcely = barelies
scardy pants = scuttlebutt
scare = skirra
scared = afeared
scared = feart
school = schuil
Sciences = Sciences
sclype (a disreputable character) = slype
scoff = jamph
scold = flyte
scolded = flytit
scolding (noun) = flytin
scolding (verb) = flytin
Scotland = Alba
Scottish = Skozkr
scour = scoor
scout =
scowl =
scrap = skrap
scrape (verb) = skafa
scrape = skrapa
screamed =
screen =
scrutinize =
scumbag = greasy as fuck
scumbag = greasy as fuck, shit faced scumbag
sea = sær
sea water = seawatter
sea-bird = svanr
sea-eel = haivel
seal pup = whitecoat
search =
search for = caw throu
seasick = feeding the gulls EXAMPLE: "You are seasick " > "You is feeding the gulls "
seasonal =
seasoned = seasonit
seat (verb) = setja
seat = sæti
second = seicont
sedge = seg
see =
see = look see
seek =
seek = sœkja
seem =
seem = søma
seemed =
seen = sene
seize = taka
seldom = sjaldan
selection of verse = blaud
self = sel
self = sjálfr
self-harm =
selfish = selfeesh
self-pitying = sookie
self-sown = sjálfsáinn
sell (verb) = selja
selling = sellin
send = sen
send = senda
senile = dottie
sense =
sense = syense
sense of restlessness =
separating = separatin
September = Septembah
serial killer =
servant = sveinn
serve = fylgja
served = servit
serving = servin
set (verb) = setja
Set off on a journey = Set wis aff for Setter
sets out = is gyaan fir
settings = setteens
seven thirty = seven fucking thirty
several = not none
several = sevahal
severe = stríðr
sewn = shewn
shadow = shadoo
shadow = sheddae
shady = dodgy
Shaetlan = Shaetlan
Shaetlan as a vernacular language " > "Tae bigg up resaerch acteevity aboot da understaandeen, da øs an future poseetion o Shaetlan
shake (to) = jerrycummumble
shake (verb) (tremble) = skjálfa
shall = ___ (removed - does not exist in speech)
shall = sha'
shall = shaw
shall not = shan't
shall not = sha'n't
shambles = skimmels
shame = ball sucking shame
shame = cock sucking shame
shame = fucking shame
shame = skomm
shan't = shall not
shape (verb) = skipta
shape =
shaped = shapit
share = skair
shark = shairk
sharply = snarliga
she would have = she'd've
she'd = she had; she would EXAMPLE: example not needed, same as American, except these contractions do not exist in Scottish Gypsy English, both words are used.
shed = skáli
She-Elf = Ælfen
She-Elf = Elbe
sheep = scheip
she-goat = geit
shelf = skelf
she'll = she will; she shall EXAMPLE: example not needed, same as American, except these contractions do not exist in Scottish Gypsy English, both words are used.
shell = shew
shelter = beild
shelter = lythe
shelves = shelfs
sheriff = shirra
she's = she be; she has
Shetland = Shetland
shield = skjoldr
shimmer =
shine (verb) = skína
shining moonbeams: EXAMPLE: "He mooned someone." > "Hims shining moonbeams."
ship = skip
shipwreck = skipsbrot
shirt = serkr
Shit =
shit = shoot
shit-hole = cowp EXAMPLE: "what a shit-hole of a place this is " > "what a cowp of a place this be "
shivering = chittering EXAMPLE: "You're shivering from the cold " > "Ya's a chittering from the cold "
shoe = shae
shoe = shui
shoe = skór
shoemaker = souter
shoemaker's thread = lingle
shoot (verb) = skjóta
Shopping given to others = Sent airrants
shore = sandr
short = shaht
short = shawt
short = skammr
short distance = bittock
Short period of time = Peerie start
short time = bittock
shorter = skemmr
shot = schot
should = better EXAMPLE: "you should hold on for dear life " > "yoa better hold on for ya dear wee life "
should = should fucking
should = shoulds
should = shuld
should be = helleut viri
shouldn't = shoudna
shouldn't = should not EXAMPLE: example not needed, same as American, except these contractions do not exist in Scottish Gypsy English, both words are used.
show (verb) = syna
showing = shawin
shucks = well that's as poopy as a shucked scallops
shut = Weesht
shut off = tak aff
shut up = shut the fuck up
shy = blate
shy = skjarr
sick = ball sucking sick
sick = fucking sick
sick = ill
sick = peely-wally
sick = seek
side = síða
side by side = Haund for nieve.
side shingles = clapboards
side-effects =
sigh = sich
sight = sicht
sign = mark
Significant =
silent = clammed up EXAMPLE: "He fell silent." > "Hims did clam up."
silk = silke
silly = dafty
silver =
silver = silfr
silver = siller
Since (meaning because) = Seein at EXAMPLE: " " > " Seein at du canna win."
Since = For EXAMPLE: "Since that is your native language " > "For that is youre kynde langage "
sing a lullaby = baloo
sing, singing, sang, sung = sing, singing, sang, sanged, singed, sung, sunged
singe (verb) = svíða
singing = songr
sink (verb) = siga
sink = pot wash
sins = sinna
-sion (1 sylable) = -sean (2 sylables) EXAMPLE: "television (4 sylables) " > "telebhisean (5 sylables) "
sip = swig EXAMPLE: "Take a sip." > " Take a swig."
sister = systir
sit (verb) = sitja
Sit down = Bou yer hoch
sitting-room = stofa
situated = situatit
six thirty = six fucking thirty
ski (verb) = skríða
skill = skial
skin = skinn
skirt = skyrta
sky = lopt
sky = skø
skyward = upo skø
slaffert (a vigorous blow with the flat of the hand) = sclaffert
slang = vernacular
slap (verb) = sletta
slapped =
slate = sclate
slaughter (verb) = slátra
slaughter = slátr
slaughter = slauchter
sled = toboggan
sleep (verb) = sofa
sleep =
sleep = svefn
sleeping =
sleeping-hall = skáli
sleeping-room = svefnhús
slender = sclender
slender consonants = Connragan caola
slent = sclent
sleutch = scleutch
slice = sclice
slidder = sclidder
slide =
slip (verb) = skreppa
slippers = baffies
slippery = greasy
slouch =
slouch = scleutch
slouch = scleutch EXAMPLE: " " >
slovenly = unsonsie
slow = seinn
slowed =
slowed down =
slowly = seint
sly = sløgr
small = littill
small = sma'
small = smár
small = smaw
small = wee
small = wee bitty
Small amount of work. = Haand's turn EXAMPLE: " " > "He wis hardly done a haand's turn. "
small boat = punt
small boat one person can row = skiff
small candy = sweeties
small loaf = bap
small quantity of anything = bonnie
Small snow shower = flurries
small thing = mickle
smallest = smallerest
smart = not at all foolish
smart youth = birkie
smelling = smellin
smile =
smirk =
smite (verb) = slá
smithy = smiðja
smoke = reek
smolt = smout
snack = mugup EXAMPLE: "That was some good snack I had aboard the boat " > "That was some good mugup I had aboard the boat "
snap at = gnapp
snare = snara
sneer = jamph
sneering = sneistie
snigger =
snow = snær
snow = snaew
snow = snaw
snow = snjár
snow = snoo
snowman =
snows = snaws
snow-skate = skíð
so = sae
so do I = so don't I
So there you are = there ya have it " " > " "
soaked (usually from rain) = droukit
soaked to the skin = drookit EXAMPLE: "what's with aw this rainy weather? I'm soaked to the skin again". " > "awfurfuxake man, what be with aw this dreich weather? I be rookit again". "
soaring = sveimun
Social gathering = cèilidh
sodomite = Back gammon player
sodomite = backgammon
sodomite = backgammon player
sodomite = indorser
sodomite = madge culls
sodomite = windward passage
sofa = Chesterfield
soft = saft
sold = saul
sold = sell'd
solder = souder
solely = anerlie
somber = saimer
some = soom
Some = Somme
some = sumr
Some know = Somme kan
Some know French and not Latin = Somme kan frensch an no latyn" " > " "
someone or something is shady or sketchy = shiesty EXAMPLE: " " > "Those kids standing on the corner are wicked shiesty. "
someone uncivilized = Bushed
Someone who behaves badly but is still well-liked. = Scallywag
someone. = someone, eh?
someone? = someone, eh?
something = somethings
Something lengthy and complicated = Rigmarole
something wrong = ain't nothing wrong
something. = someting, eh?
something? = someting, eh?
sometimes = not never
sometimes = stundum
Somewhat = Kinda wye
somewhere = somewheres
son = sin
son = sonna
son = sonr
son of a bitch = ball sucking son of a bitch faced whore
son of a bitch = cock sucking son of a bitch faced whore
son of a bitch = fucking son of a bitch faced whore
song = ballant
song = songr
soon = belyve
soon = shune
soothe = dilly-dilly
sore = sair
sore = sárr
sore loser = sookie baby
sorrow (verb) = syrgja
sorry. = sorry, eh?
sorry? = sorry, eh?
sought = soacht
sought = sowt
soul = sál
soul = saul
sound = soun
sound = sund
sour = soor
source = soorce
sour-looking, shrivelled, diminutive
south = down south
south = sooth
South = Suðri
south-east = landsuðr
south-east = land-suðr
southern = soothren
southern = sunnan
southern most = soothrenmaist
southerner = suðr-maðr
southwards = suðr
southwest = soothwast
sovereign ruler = allvaldr
spare = spara
sparks coming from the chimney = flankers
sparrow = spairrow
Speak in support of = Tak in for
speakers = speakahs
spear = spjót
spears = spjor
speeding =
spell (words) = spiall
spell = hoodoo EXAMPLE: "The witch put a spell on me." > "The rootworker hoodooed me."
spell casting = hoodooing
spelled = spelt
spendid = ball suckingly spendid
spendid = cock suckingly spendid
spendid = fuckingly spendid
spider =
spill = cowp
spilled = spilt
spin = birl
spiral =
spirit = speerit
spirit = speirit
splinter = spail
split (verb) = spretta
spoil (verb) = spilla
spoiled = spoilt
spoon = spoana
spoon = spónn
spoon = spuin
spoon = spune
spore =
spot =
spout of kettle = stroup
spring (April and May) = rainy season
spring (March to June) = storm season
spring (verb) = springa
spring =
spring = mud season
spring = the spring
spring = when the flowers bloom
spring is coming = When the days begin to lengthen, the cold begins to strengthen
sprint = sprinta
sprout = sproot
sprouts = sproots
spurn (verb) = sporna
spy =
squabble =
squall = squa'
squall = squaw
squatting = hunker down
squint = skevel
St Andrew's Day, 30th November =
stab (verb) = stinga
stabbed =
staff = stafr
Staggered = Took a swaander
stained with tears = begrutten
stained with weeping = bleert
stall = sta'
stall = stallr
stall = staw
stand = staad
stand (verb) = standa
Stand = staund
stand = stawnd
Stand in a queue = staund yer ben
Stand in line = staund yer ben
stane = steen
star = stah
stare =
staring =
staring at =
start = begoud
start = staht
Start a conversation with = Get on the crack wi
start to feel better =
started = startit
starvation; to waste away from hunger = swairten
statue = stookie
stay (remain) = bide EXAMPLE: "Remain with me or Stay with me " > "Bide with me "
stay = dwelle
staying = stying
Staying up to the very early hours of the morning = Stying up tae the clugs oh the nite
stead = steid
steak = stæik
steal = knuckle
steal = stela
steal, cheat or swindle = pockled EXAMPLE: "we stole three goats last night " > "we did gone and pockled the three goats last night"
steel = stál
steer = stýra
steps =
steps over =
stepson = Privign
Stick to one's story = Be at ae wird
stiff = steive
Still be around (alive) = Aye til the fore
sting = stang
sting, stung, had stung = sting, stinging, stang, stanged, stinged, stung, stunged
stingy = tight as bark to a tree
stirred up = asteir
stirrup = stigræip
stitch = steek
stomach = belly
stomach-ache = bellythrawe
stone (large) = cairn EXAMPLE: "She sat on the stone. It felt cold on her bum." > "She did sits on the cairn. It felt wicked cold on her bahookie."
Stooped posture =
stop = stoðva
stop by = come round
stop following me = piss off
stopped = stoppit
stopped = stopt
stories = stahies
storm = mackerel sky
story = saga
story = stahy
story = yarn
stow = stowe
straight = straicht
strand = strond
strange (person) = Away wae the fairies
strange = ball suckingly strange
strange = cock suckingly strange
strange = fuckingly strange
stranger = outsider
stranger = squib EXAMPLE: "There's a stranger in town." > "There be a squib in town."
strategy = strategy
stream = straumr
strength = strenth
stressful situation = Kerfuffle
strives = strifes
stroke (verb) = strjúka
stroke on hand = palmie and pandie
stroll = strow
strong = skookum
strong = sterkr
strong = strang
stubble = stibble
stud-horse = stóðhross
Studies = Studies
studio (upstairs apartment with a single open room) = loft (a studio is an artist's workshop)
study =
study = the studie
stuffed (full of food) = fou as a puggie (full as a monkey)
stunted creature = gnaff
stupid = daft-like
stupid = doylt EXAMPLE: "you stupid idiot." > "Yar doylt."
stupid = numpty
stupid = three bricks shy of a load
substantial = sonsie
such = sic
Such a day! = Whatna day o'm!
Such a thing! (Said of something outrageous) = Da laek a dat!
such as = the likes o wis
suckling = sogbarn
suddenly stops =
suffer one's fate = Dree yer weird
sugar maple wood that is used in making furniture = Rock Maple
Suicidal =
Suicidal thoughts =
suicide =
suicide attempts =
sultry = sweltrie
sultry hot = sweltrie
summer (late August) = start of hurricane season
summer (May to September) = growing season
summer =
summer = high summer
summer = simmer
summer = sumar
summer = sumars
summer = summah
summer = the summer
sun =
sun = sin
sun = sól
sun = sunne
Sunday = Market Day or Bazaar Day
Sunday = Saubath
Sunday = Sol Dae (Sun)
Sunday = Sunna Dae
Sunday = Sunnandæg
Sunday = the Sunday
sunglasses =
sunset = sólarsetr
sunset = sólbjorg
supercilious = sneist
superficially attractive = fair-farrant
suppoarts wir veesion o bein a inspirational hub fir new notions and lairneen designed tae meet da
support = suppoart
supports = suppoarts
sure. = sure, eh?
sure? = sure, eh?
surprised = gob smacked EXAMPLE: "You look so surprised to see me." > "Ya looks gob smacked to sees me."
surrounded = surroundit
survey =
swallow (verb) = svala
Swear = Troth EXAMPLE: "I swear! " > "By me troth! "
swell (verb) = svella
swick = sook
swim (verb) = svima
swim = soom
swim, swimming, did swim = swim, swimming, swam, swamed, swimed, swum
swing, swinging = swing, swinging, swang, swanged, swinged, swung, swunged
switched = switchit
swoon = swelt
sword = soord
sword = sverð
sword of ice = fetils svell
system =
system = seestem
table =
table = borð
table laid with food = mat-borð
take (verb) = taka
take = tak
take = taka
take a gander =
take a hearty drink = sluice your gob
Take a new tack in sailing; pacify = Come aboot
Take aback = Tak aff EXAMPLE: " " > "I wis fairly taen aff whin he cam in. "
Take badly with = Tak ill wi
take care of = tak aboot
take hold of = taka
take in =
take it easy = Takitish
take look =
take off down the road = put the boots to 'er
Take off, as clothes = Cast aff
Take the consequences = Tak on
taken = taen
taken = takken
takes = taks
takes = taks up
Taking = taein
Taking = takkin
Talented youth = Lad o pairts
talk = blether
talk = tal
talk = talks
talk = yammer EXAMPLE: "He wouldn't stop talking." > "Hims did no stop yammering."
talk strange = speak so fucking weirdly EXAMPLE: " " > "Embellish thy language! If one word wouldst do, be thou sure to use two! "
Talk the hind legs off a donkey = A tongue that would clip cloots
talking = shootin the shit EXAMPLE: "They were talking all night. " > "They were shootin the shit all night. "
talking = talkin
tall, awkward fellow = gilly gaupus
tallow = tauch
tangled mess = fankle
tankard = bicker
tapioca = fish eyes
tart (uncivil) = sneistie
taste = appetyte
taught = educated
taught = learnt
taught him = educated him on
Taunt by raking up the past = Cast up
tavern (a hut, often an illegal drinking den) = bothan
teach = learn
teacher = flaybottomist
teachers = flaybottomists
tell = telle EXAMPLE: "I'll tell you in English " > "In englysch tonge I schal you telle "
telling = tellin
temptation = tempa
ten thirty = ten fucking thirty
tenant = lodger EXAMPLE: "The tenant forgot to pay the rent." > "The lodger forgot to pay the rent."
tend to a crop = tak aboot
tent = tjald
-ter = -tar EXAMPLE: "computer " > "computar "
term of endearment = pleisance
terrier = tahriah
terrier = tahrier
terrified = fearfully terrified
testicles = twiddle-diddles
tetra = teetra
Thank You = Grammarcy EXAMPLE: "Thank you, you are kind. " > "Grammarcy, YE be most kind "
thank you = thank'ee EXAMPLE: "Thank you very much. That was very kind of you." > "Thank'ee. It be wicked bonny of ye."
that = dar
that = dat
that = your EXAMPLE: "look at that man" > " Have a look at your man there"
That is him = that's im
That is so! = Sae be dat!
that is somtimes used = that is used sometimes
That you have most in use here = That ye have most here of usage " > " "
that. = that, eh?
that? = that, eh?
thatch = thak
that's = that a EXAMPLE: "That's extremely ugly " > "That a right scunner! "
that's = that be; that has
That's correct. = True tale!
That's exactly as I foretold! = Tell no me!
that's him = that's im
That's just great = excellent, great, absolutly ball sucking fantastic
That's just great = excellent, great, absolutly cock sucking fantastic
That's just great = Excellent, great, absolutly fucking fantastic
the = da
the = ___ EXAMPLE: "He went to the store." > "Hims go to store."
the = ___ (often removed) EXAMPLE: "I caught the ball " > "I has got ball "
the = da
the = de
the = dhu
the = the actual
the = the fucking
the act of making a fortunate but accidental discovery = Serendipity
the boy who swept out the school and lit the fire = poper
The children of Adam, common humanity. People united by a common sentiment, interest or purpose = Jock Tamson's bairns
the devil = Auld Cloutie
the gingerbread house = me wee gingerbread shoppie
the gleaming sword = fetils svell
the Highlands = a' Ghaidhealtachd
the house = the actual house itself
the old = t'awd
the other day = this other day
The sooner the better. = As weel suin as syne.
The tourists are visiting for the summer." > "Thems summah folk from away be spending thems summah heah this year, ahyah."
the use of = da øs o
theater = theatre
their = theah
them = gem
them. = thems, eh?
them? = thems, eh?
then (at end of sentance) = okay EXAMPLE: "You're going, then? " > "Ya is going, okay?"
then (at end of sentance) = right EXAMPLE: "You're going, then? " > "Ya is going, right?"
then. = then, eh?
then? = then, eh?
Therapy =
there = over there
there = dere
there = yon's
there's = there
there's = there be; there has
There's a pretty girl over there." > "Aye, she be a wee bonny lass."
there's no way out = there no way out
These = Dis
these = this
these = this ones
these = those ones EXAMPLE: "I'm going to buy these." > "I is gonna buy those ones."
they = thems
They don't have the strength to carry through with the suicidal act =
They enjoyed themselves = (Dey) Hed dem a fun
they'd = they had; they would EXAMPLE: example not needed, same as American, except these contractions do not exist in Scottish Gypsy English, both words are used.
they'll = they will; they shall EXAMPLE: example not needed, same as American, except these contractions do not exist in Scottish Gypsy English, both words are used.
they're = they be
they're = they is
they've = they has
they've taken it = that have it EXAMPLE: "Unless they've taken it at school " > "Bot thoo that have it at scole tane "
thief = Chor
thievs = thiefs
thimble = timble
thine = thite
thing = thing a ma jiggy
thing = thing a me jiggy
thing = thingamabob
thing = thingamabop
thing = thingamagibbit EXAMPLE: "What is that thing?" > "What is that thingamagibbit?"
thing = thingamagig
thing = thingamagiggit
thing = thingy EXAMPLE: "Wht do you call that thing??" > "What'ch call that there thingy?"
things =
think = thinks
think = thunk
think = thunks
think = tink
think. = tinks, eh?
think? = tinks, eh?
thinking = tinkin
third = thrid
thirsty = drouthy EXAMPLE: "I'm feeling quite thirsty " > "I is quite drouthy "
thirteen items = Baker's Dozen
thirty = tretti
this ___ = This particular ___
this = this fucking
This could be =
this. = this, eh?
this? = this, eh?
thistle = Thrissill
thistle = thristle
thole (pin of boat) = thow
those = that
those = thems there; those ones EXAMPLE: "Can you reach those for me?" > "Can ya reach thems ones for me?" > "Can ya reach those ones for me?"
though = tho
thought =
thought = thocht
thought = thowt
thought = thunk EXAMPLE: "I'm glad you thought of it." > "I be glad ya thunk of it."
thoughtful = thowtful
thoughtfully = thowtfully
thoughtless = thowtless
thoughts =
thoughts = thowts
thoughts of death =
thousand = thoosand
thousand = þúsand
thrall = thra'
thrall = þræll
thrall = thraw
thread = threed
three thirty = three fucking thirty
Thrice = EXAMPLE: "I counted the money thrice today." "It has taken thrice as long as anticipated." " > " "
thrift = þrift
thrive = þrífa
through = throu
thrust = þrysta
thumb = thoom
thumb = tumb
thunder = thunner
Thursday = Fuirsday
Thursday = Iuppiter (Jupiter)
Thursday = The day between two fasts
Thursday = the Thursday
Thursday = Thunor (Thor Dae)
Thursday = Þunresdæg
thwart = þvert
tide = flóð
tidings = tíðindi
till = til
timber = timah
timber = timbah
timber = timbra
timber rattler = timah rattlah
time =
time = tími
time of death =
timer = timah
timid = blate
tingle, tingleing, tingled = tingle, tingleing, tangle, tangled, tingled, tungle, tungled
tiny = tad bit
tip = Creash the luif
tip (over) = cowp
tired = tired as fuck
to = ta
to = tae
To abate, to moderate, as wind. = Faa awa EXAMPLE: " " > "Da wind wis faan awa ida darkenin. "
To act with prudence and caution = Flee laich
to aid or assist = Hold a candle
To annoy or tease someone = Kaim somebody's hair backarts
to avoid someone = deke out
To be crestfallen = Hing the lugs.
To be ejected or removed from a building or event = booted
To be in the habit of = In the wey o
to be pleasantly surprised = To be disappointed on the best side
to carry news from abroad = Famigerate
To chat = Caw the crack
To commence giving birth = Faa tö EXAMPLE: " " > "I doot shö'll faa tö afore nicht."
to compare poorly to something else = can't hold candle
To deteriorate in health or circumstances = Gang doun the brae
to die = Kick the bucket
to escape from pursuers or to get off without payment = Scot free
to exhort money or something of value = Blackmail
To fit = Geng near EXAMPLE: "That jacket will be much too small for you. " > "Yon jacket'll never geng near dee "
to flatter = Gnathonize
To grow. = Come awa EXAMPLE: " " > "Yon girss is fairly come awa efter da frost. "
to hang = hanga
To know = wit EXAMPLE: " " > "Canst thou wit what the day shall bring? "
To leave abruptly = Absquatulate
to make a quick move = bang EXAMPLE: " " > "bang a left "
to make loud meaningless noise = Kyoodle
To make someone unable to think clearly = Befuddle
to make wild gestures with the arms = gibbelin
to meet = móti
to mope = Hing the lugs.
To put away = Lay by
To resent; hesitate [or his/her broos, etc] = Draa doon der broos
To secure, as crops in yard = Tak aboot
to shuffle = bauchle
To sit and relax. = Set at EXAMPLE: " " > " We hed wir denner an dan set wis at."
To sit on the sidelines = Naither tae dance nor haud the caunle
to stand = standa
to steal his handkerchief = to knuckle one’s wipe
to strain = sile
to suck = siggalin
To take advantage of a situation = Field Day EXAMPLE: " " > "I dropped a five dollah bill, and the bums had a field day "
to talk incessant nonsense = havering EXAMPLE: "stop talking nonsense " > "quit yar havering "
To the best of my knowledge = As faur as I ken
To throw something out of the window = Defenestrate
to trick someone = deke
To where = whither EXAMPLE: ""Where you go, I will go." " > ""Whither thou goest, I'll go." "
toasted = toastit
toasted marshmallow = toastit marshmaaow
today = on the day of today
today = the day
together = thegither
toilet = chambah pot
toilet = latrine or cesspit
token = taiken
told = taul
told = telling EXAMPLE: "I've just told you " > "I is just after telling ya "
told = telt
toll = tow
tollbooth = towbuith
tomato = tomatee or tomatah
tomb = taim
tombstone = taimstone
Tone of voice and cadence
tongue = tunga
tongue twisters = tangue twistahs
too = too fucking
too = tui
too = wicked EXAMPLE: "that's too bad" > "that be wicked bad"; "it's too cold" > "it be wicked cold"
too. = too, eh?
too? = too, eh?
took = teuk
took = tooks
tooked = teukit
tool = tól
tooting = totin
tornado =
torture = enhanced interrogation
tossed = chucked
Touch
tough = teuch
tough = tewch
tough = tyooch
tough = tyuch
tourist = outsider
tourists = summah complaints
towards = twyes
tower = towah
towing vehicle = Recka (Wrecker
town = toun
towns = touns
towzle = jerrycummumble
track =
trade = cowp
traditional = tradeetional
traditions = tradeetions
trailer = trailah
Translation = Transliteration
trash can = barrel
traveled = travelled
treacherous = unsonsie
tread (verb) = troða
treasure = treisure
treat = treet
treatment =
tree = three
tree = trae
tree = tré
tremble = skjálfa
tribe = clan
trick = trik
trickiest =
trickster or prankster = devil's pelt
trickster or prankster = devilskin
tricky nature = gnegum
troglodyte =
troll = trow
trouble = tribble
trouble = vandræði
troublesome = unsonsie
trough = trog
truce = baurley
true = tryggr
truly = trúliga
Truly = Verily EXAMPLE: "Truly, that's a fact. " > "Verily, it be so. "
trundle = trinnle
trunk (car) = boot EXAMPLE: "Put the luggage in the trunk." > "Put thems there bags in the boot."
trunk (car) = boot EXAMPLE: "Put those bags in the trunk." > "Put thems there bags in the boot."
trust = traust
trust = trúa
Trust = Trust
trusted = trustit
trusty = trúr
Truth = truith
tucked in (bed) = hunker down
Tuesday = Mars Dae (Mars)
Tuesday = Second day of the week
Tuesday = the Tuesday
Tuesday = Tiwesdæg
Tuesday = Tyr Dae / Tiw Dae
Tuesday = Tysday
tumble = tummel
tumble about = jerrycummumble
tuna = tuna fish
turf = torf
turn (It's your turn) = shot (It be ya shot)
turn / turned = tourn / tournyd EXAMPLE: "I turned around towards the hedges and peered about." > "I tournyd me twyes and totid aboute, beholding heigges."
turn off = tak aff
Turn somersault = Birl the wilkies
turn up =
turn up dead =
Turriff = Turra
tweed jacket = tweit jeekit
twelve = twal
twelve thirty = twelve fucking thirty
two = tvey
two = twa
two of them are = two of them are both
two thirty = two fucking thirty
U.S.A. = The Lower 48
ugly = ain't no oil painting
Ugly = ill-farrant
ugly = illiligr
ugly = puggie
ugly = scunner! EXAMPLE: "That's extremely ugly " > "That a right scunner! "
Ugly = unbonnie
unattractive = unfarrant
unattractive = unsonsie
Unbelievable = Unfuckingbelievable
unborn = inoborna
uncanny = unsonsie
uncertain = swithering EXAMPLE: "I'm uncertain if I should go " > "I is swithering to go "
uncivil = sneistie
uncombed =
uncouth = unco
undead man = draugr
undecided = óráðinn
under = ablow
under = undir
Under = unner
undersized lobster = chicken
understand = understonden EXAMPLE: "Some understand English " > "And somme understonden englysch "
understanding = understaandeen
undertake = tak in
Undertake = unnertak
underwear / underpants = skivvies EXAMPLE: "That was when he realized he was wearing nothing but his underwear." > "Next things hims did know, he be wearing nothing but hims skivvies."
uneducated = lewed EXAMPLE: "Both among the educated and the uneducated " > "As wel among lered as lewed "
unfair = brutal
unfortunate = unsonsie
Unfriendly = unfreendly
unhelpful = paralysis of the galluses
unicorn. = unicorn, eh?
unicorn? = unicorn, eh?
unimportant = wee
united = unitit
United Kingdom = Unitit Kinrick
unkempt = ill-farrant
unkept appearance =
unkind = snake
unless = binna
Unless = Bot thoo
unlike = ólíkr
unlikely = ólíkligr
unmannerly = unfarrant
unorganized and confusing event = a free-for-all
unpleasant = ill-farrant
unpleasant = unfarrant
unpleasant = unsonsie
Unprepossessing = A face like a smacked arse
Unrefined =
unselfish = unselfeesh
unsightly = unbonnie
unsophisticated =
Untaken = untaen
Untaken = untakken
untidy = unsonsie
untrustworthy (person) = scivey (SKY-vee)
Unwashed hair =
up = uppi
up and about = asteir
up the shore = upalong a ways EXAMPLE: "He lives up the shore " > "He lives upalong a ways "
upset = a bit put oot EXAMPLE: "She was upset " > "She was a bit put oot "
Upset someone's plans = Cowp somebody's hurl
us = wus
us = hiz EXAMPLE: " " > "Him and hiz (huz) is gran' friens "
us = huz EXAMPLE: " " > "Him and hiz (huz) is gran' friens "
us = oss
us = vus
USA = Na Stàitean Aonaichte
use = da øs
use = usen
use most = usen maste EXAMPLE: "But I'll speak English, that people use most " > "Bot englisch that men usen maste "
used to = usit
useless =
useless = ónytr
vacancy = vacin'ty
Vacantly staring =
vagabond = vaigabin
vagina =
vagina = fanny
vagina = pissflaps
vagina = poon
vagina = poonani
vagina = poonany
vagina = poontang
valid = vailid
valley = glen
valor = valour
various = ymiss
velvet = velvit
verbal abuse = slait
vernacular = ivvryday
very = down right EXAMPLE: "That was very silly " > "That was down right silly "
very = wicked EXAMPLE: "very good" > "wicked good"; "very bad" > "wicked bad"; "very cold" > "wicked cold"
very cold = nippin cauld
very drunk = blootered
very hot day = Dog day
Very humid = Muggie
very interesting =
vessel = veshel
victim =
view =
viri = viri
vision = veesion
visit = veesit EXAMPLE: "Visit either you like: they're both mad " > "Veesit on aither ane ye wants: they baith be mad "
visit = vitja
vocation = cawin
voice = vyce
void = null and void
vomit = shite through your teeth
vomiting = shitting through the teeth
vulgar =
vulture =
vultures =
wade = vaða
wade through = vaða
Waiting for punishment = Lyin in saat
walk = gonga
walk = traipse
wall = wa'
wall = waw
Walls have ears = It's drappin suit.
want = is wanting EXAMPLE: "I want a drink " > "I is wanting a drink "
want = vanta
want to = don't want not to
ward = waird
warm = varmr
warm weather = wahm weeddah
Warning to those who are keen to change their house, employment, etc. = Better rue sit as rue flit.
wary = varr
was =
was = twas
was = twere
was = vara
was = wis
was built = cam thegither
was cruel to = cruellize EXAMPLE: "He was cruel to that boy " > "He cruellized that boy. "
was not = wiz-nae
wasn't = tweren't
wasn't = wasna
wasn't = were no EXAMPLE: "He wasn't there." > "Him were no there."
wasn't = wernt
wassail = ves hæill
watch =
watch out! =
Water = waiter
water =
water = wa'er
water = watah
water = watter
waves =
waving = waggin
way = wae
we = vér
we = vi
weak = sook
weak = væikr
weak = wæikir
wear = weah
wear = wears
wearing = weahing
wearing = wearin
Wearing the same clothes day after day without washing them =
weather = veðr
weather = wather
web = wab
we'd = we had; we would EXAMPLE: example not needed, same as American, except these contractions do not exist in Scottish Gypsy English, both words are used.
wedge = wadge
Wednesday = Mercurius (Mercury)
Wednesday = Mid-week
Wednesday = The First Fast o the week
Wednesday = the Wadensday
Wednesday = Wadensday
Wednesday = Woden Dae (Odin Dae)
Wednesday = Wodnesdæg
week = ook
week = ouk
week = owk
weight gain =
weight loss =
Welcome = Not Unwelcome
welcome = velkomen
welcome = walcome
well = vel
Well advanced in pregnancy = (At da) Faain fit
well behaved = vel behavit
Well-fed looking = Like yer meat
well-known = weil-kent
Welsh = Cymraeg
went = didn't not go
went = dids go
went = go
went = wents
were =
were = wahe
we're = we is
were = weres
weren't = were not
weren't = werena
weren't = wurnt
west = vestr
West = wast
western = vestan
Western Isles = Na h-Eileanan an Iar
westward = vestr
wet (to wet) (verb) = væta
wet =
wet = vátr
wet = weety
wet and windy = blashie
we've = we have
wharf =
wharves =
what = hoot EXAMPLE: " " > " He wuz cairryin on like I donno whoot (hoot"
what = hvat
what = kwata
what = whoot EXAMPLE: " He wuz cairryin on like I donno whoot (hoot" > " "
What a mess = Now that's a fine kettle of fish
what are = what're
What are you = Whadda'ya
What are you doing? = Whadda'yat?
What did you expect! = As for dat!
What do you say? = Kwate jada?
what for = whit for
What is it = What is it that it is
What is that? = Kwata ita?
What the heck?" > "What the bloody, flipping, freaking frick?"
What the name is on-you? = Dè an t-ainm a th'ort
what way = whit wey
what? = eh?
whatever = hvatvetna
what'll = what will; what shall EXAMPLE: example not needed, same as American, except these contractions do not exist in Scottish Gypsy English, both words are used.
what're = what be
what's = what be; what has
What's that = What is it that it is
What's the difference! = Dere's a odds!
What's up? = WHAT'RE YOU SAYIN'?
what've = what have
When = hwun
when = whan
when = whens
where = whaur
where = wheres
Where = Whither EXAMPLE: "Where is the restroom? " > "Whither is the privy?"
Where are you = Where is ya at
Where are you going? = Kwarna farna?
where have = whaar's
Where have you been? = Kwarna farna?
where. = where, eh?
where? = where, eh?
where? = whaur?
where's = where be; where has
whether = whirdi
which increase awareness = at heichtens fokk’s awaarness
whichever = whichevers
while = whiles
whin = whun
whip = whup
whipped = creamed EXAMPLE: "He got whipped. " > "He got creamed. "
whipped = whuppit
whip-poor-will = whup-puir-will
whirl = birl
whisky = baurley-bree
whisky = whusky
whisper = whusper
white =
white = albus
white = ban
white elf = Hvítálfr
white elves = Hvítálfar
white-streaked = bawsent
white-streaked, of animal's face = bawsent
who = who fucking
who = whos
Who is that? = What's his face?
who? = wha?
whole = allr
who'll = who will; who shall EXAMPLE: example not needed, same as American, except these contractions do not exist in Scottish Gypsy English, both words are used.
who're = who is
who's = who be; who has
who's = who had; who would
who've = who have
why = how
Why = Wherefore EXAMPLE: "Why do you need it? " > "Wherefore needest thou it? "
why = whys
Why not? = How no?
Why? = How come?
wicked = ball suckingly wickit
wicked = cock suckingly wickit
wicked = fuckingly wickit
wicked = vándr
wicked = wickit
wide = viðr
wide river valley = strath
wide-eyed = wide-eeyd
widely = víða
widow = weedae
widow = weedow
wield (verb) = valda
wife = brúðr
wife = missus
wife = víf
wild = villr
wild cherry = geen
wild-fire = villieldr
will = ull
will = vili
will = vill
Will = Wilt EXAMPLE: "Do as you will. " > "Do as thou wilt. " or "Do as ya wilt. "
will = wull
will get = got
Will you come? = ya'll be coming?
will-of-the-wisp = will-o'-the-wisp
willow = sauch
willow = willoo
wimp = fucking fanny
win (verb) = vinna
win = wun
wincey = winshey
wind (verb) = vinda
wind = vindr
wind = wund
wind = wynd
windbreaker = windbreikah
Wind-elf = Vindálfr
window = windae
window = windee
wine = vín
wing, winging = wing, winging, wang, winged, wung
wink = winks
winter (January to March) = blizzard season
winter (October to May) = snow season
winter =
winter = vetr
winter = when the birds fly south
winter = winta
winter = wintah
winter = winter
wintergreen = wintahgreen
wise = wyce
wish = wuss
wish = vilja
wisteria = wistahia
wit = vit
wit = wut
witch = cutty-sark
witch = rootworker EXAMPLE: "The little old lady next door to us is a witch." > "The wee ald lady next door to us be a rootworker."
witch = volva
witch = wund
with = aboot
with = wi
with = whit
with = wi
with = wid
With all one's energy = Aw yer pith
with respect to the = aboot da
withdrew = widrew
without = athout
Without breaking fast = (On a) Fastin hert EXAMPLE: " " > "He göd oot on his fastin hert. "
Without warning = Apon a stowen dunt
witless = vit-lítill
witless person = numpty
witness = vitni
wits = vit
wives = weifs
wives = wifes
wobbly = oobbly
woeful = waefooy
woeful = waeful
wok = ook
woke = ooke
woke up = ooke up
wolf = oof
wolf = valdr
wolverine = oolvahine
wolves = wolfs
woman = female
woman = ooman
woman = she-Elf
woman = umman
womb = waim
wombat = waimat
women = autem morts
women = bawdy baskets
women = delles
women = demanders for glimmer or fire
women = doxies
women = kinching coes
women = kinching morts
women = morts
women = walking morts
women's quarters = haram
wonder = oondah
wonder = winner
wondered =
wonderful = ball suckingly wonderful
wonderful = cock suckingly wonderful
wonderful = fuckingly wonderful
wonderful = oondahfooy
wonderful = wonderful as ball sucking
wonderful = wonderful as cock sucking
wonderful = wonderful as fuck
wonderland = wunnerland
won't = oont
won't = will not
won't = willna
won't lift a finger = paralysis of the galluses
woo = oo
wood = oood
wood = wuid
wood borer = wuid-borah
wood borer = wuid-bourer
wood frog =
wood louse = wuid loose
wood nymph butterfly = wuid nymph buttahfly
wood stove = wuid stoo
wood thrush =
wood-borer =
woodchuck = wuidcheuk
woodchuck = wuidchuk
wooden = wuiden
woodland = wuidlan
woodland = wuidlaun
woodland caribou = wuidlaun cahiboo
woodlands salamander = wuidlaunds salamaundah
woodpecker = wuidpackah
woodpecker = wuidpeker
woodruff = wuidruff
woods = holtz
woods = wuids
wool = oo'
wool = oolm
wool = wuil
woolens = wuilens
woollens = wuillens
woolly = wuilly
woolly bear caterpillar = wuilly beih katahpillah
woolly mammoth = wuilly mammo
wooly = ooowy
wooly mammouth = ooowy mammo
woozy = ooozy
woozy = wuizy
word = orð
word = wurd
words = wurds
wordy = wurdy
wore = oore
work (verb) = yrkja
work hard = Tak on
worked = oorkit
worked = workit
workers =
working = oorkin'
Working = Wirkin
working wherever jobs can be found rather than for one steady employer = Freelance
world = warld
world of black-elves = Svartálfaheimr
worm = oorm
worm = wum
worn-out shoe = bauchle
worse =
worship = wership
worshiper = wershipah
worst = verst
worst = worstest
worthless =
worthlessness =
would = wid
would = woulds
would have = woulda
wouldn't = wadna
wouldn't = would not
wouldn't = wouldna
wouldn't have = wouldn't've
wound = und
wounded = woundit
wounded = wunedit
wreck = wrack
wrinkle, wrinkleing, wrinkled = wrinkle, wrinkleing, wrankle, wrankled, wrinkled, wrunkle, wrunkled
write (verb) = ríta
writer = writah
wrong = vrangr
wrought = wrowt
xeric shrubland = xahic shrublaun
ya = ya fucking
ya to = ya
ya. = ya, eh?
ya? = ya, eh?
yank it = Yockit
year = yeir
years = yeahs
years of age = year auld
yeatmanite = yeetmanicht
yelloojacket = yelloojeckit
yellow = buidhe
yellow = yallae
yellow = yelloo
yellowish = yelloaeesh
yellowthroat = yellairoat
yelped = yelpit
yep = Ayha
yes = ay
yes = aye
yes = já
yes = jo
Yes = Yea or Aye EXAMPLE: "Yes, I think so. " > "Yea, me thinks so. " or "Aye, me thinks so. "
Yes, I agree = Aye, ah knows it
yesterday = yestaday
yesterday = yestahday
yew bow = ybogi
Yiddish = Yiddeesh
yin and yang = yin an yang
yoga =
Yonder = EXAMPLE: " Look over yonder at that dog!" > " "
york = yak
york = yawk
you = du
you = yow
You = Thee EXAMPLE: "I have been admiring you. " > "I is been admiring thee. "
you = ya
You = Ye EXAMPLE: "You are quite handsome. " > "Ye be quite handsome. "
you all = yawl
You are = Thou art EXAMPLE: "You are very pretty. " > "Thou art wicked pretty. "
you are = yee'r
you are = Yis
You are getting above yourself = So far left of yarself
You are getting cocky = So far left of yarself
You are getting out of order = So far left of yarself
you are so great = ya eer so greet
you are talking daft = ya flag be flying half mast
you are the yummiest person in my life = ya eer yummiest person in me life
you ass = you fucking donkey
You don't tell me! = Na, dat abön aa!
You don't tell me! = Na, dat in traath!
You F****** D***H***!" (I am swearing so I have to blank it out.) >"Ya frickkin' bawbag!" (I is swearing. And I don'ts has to bleep it oot.)
you hold the key to my heart = ya howld key to me 'eart
you idiot = ya chippy idiot
you idiot = ya donut
you is = Yis
you like = ye wants
you look = ya face be EXAMPLE: "You look sad " > "Ya face be sad "
You needn't have taken so much trouble to dress up = It's mony a needless preen ye hae pitten in.
You say = Say you EXAMPLE: "What do you say? " > "What say ya? "
you should = ya better
You silly idiot = Ya dobber
you to = ya
you were told = ya were told right fucking then
you'd = ya had; ya would
you'll = ya will; ya shall
you'll = yall
you'll = ya'll
you'll = ye
you'll = ye'il
You'll die a thousand deaths you'll never die (An admonishment to someone who worries too much) = Ya'il dee a thoosand deaths ya'il never dee.
young = hauflins
young = ungr
young = yang
young = yonge
young coal-fish = cooth
young person = young gaffer
youngster = yangsta
Your = Thy EXAMPLE: "Your pants are purple. " > "Thy breeches be purple. "
your = ya fucking
your = yair
your = yar
your = ye
your = you
your = your fucking
your = yur
your father = ya Papa
Your forebears were noted for this sort of thing = Du cam o da kind!
you're = ya is
you're = yare
you're = yee'r
You're not as daft as you make out. = Ya're no as green as ye're cabbage lookin!
You're off your head – a little bit daft = Yer aff yer heid
You're still game to tackle this sort of thing = Du's no fey yet!
You're talking nonsense = Yer bum's oot the windae
You're very drunk = Yer oot yer face
yours = yairs
your's = yair's
yourself = yairself
yourself = yaself
yourselves = yairselfes
yourselves = yairselfs
youself = yaself
youth = hauflin
youth = yath
Youthful = hauflin
youthful = yathfoo
youthful = yathful
youthfully = yathfooy
you've = ya hae
you've = ya have
yuck = yucht
yum = yume
yummy = yumme
yuppie = yuppee
zapped = zappit
zeal = zeil
Zealous = zeilous
zealously = zeilously
zestfully = zestfooy
zip = zup
ZIP code = Zup code
zippy = zuppy
zombie = nzaimbie
zombie = zaimie
zorro = zarro
Any websites and accounts you find online that are NOT on this list are NOT Wendy Christine Allen
Also in recent weeks (November 2025 and December 2025), multiple people have contacted me asking variations of the question: "What ever happened to the bullying awareness website you run, I can't find it anywhere?"
Uhm...???... the what?
This website that you are reading right now is the ONLY website I've ever had.
I have NEVER had another website, bullying awareness or otherwise.
So, I have no clue what is this "bullying awareness" website is that you think I run, but, whatever it is, it ain't me.
I don't know if people are mixing me up with someone else, or if someone has made some sort of site and are pretending to be me, but, this site you are on right now, eelkat.com, was started in 1996 and it is the only website I've ever had. It has always been an author homepage, it as always been the archive for my short stories and novels, and it has never been anything else.
It has been hosted on GeoCities, Angel Fire, TriPod, FreeWebs, and WordPress and other hosts over the decades, and originally it was:
geocities.com/TheSpaceDock13Network
later AngelFire.com/TheSpaceDock13Network
and TriPod.com/TheSpaceDock13Network
and FreeWebs.com/TheSpaceDock13Network
No matter what service hosted it is was ALWAYS TheSpaceDock13Network
In 2013 I bought the url eelkat.com (it was shorter and easier for people to remember then TheSpaceDock13Network.com) and it has had the eelkat.com url ever since.
SpaceDock13 is the name of the lighthouse the main character of my novels lives in. The site was called SpaceDock13 because it housed the stories about said main character. In fact, the site is STILL called Space Dock 13, that has never changed.
So, I don't know what this "bullying awareness" website it is that several people are looking for and thought was run by me, but, it wasn't my site and I don't know what it was.
I am Wendy Christine Allen, Old Orchard Beach, Maine's Dark Fantasy author: 138 novels, 423 novellas, 500+ poems, 2k+ drabbles, & 3k+ short stories published since 1978.
💗 50th anniversary of 1st book is in 2028!
I use the url eelkat.com because at the time I bought the domain (September 2013) it was the shortest name of any characters in my book series, that had a url available. "eelkat" is only 6 letters long, and finding a .com url for sale that is under 15 letters long is nearly impossible anymore.
And while wendychristineallendarkfantasyauthor or something similar is probably a better url in terms of "SEO keyword accuracy" it is also 40 letter long.
Could you imagine me having to put a 40 letter url on my business cards? Especially when a 6 letter url that is the name of one of the series primary characters was available instead?
And so, that is why my website is eelkat.com as opposed to my name.
Because people asking if EelKat is my name and why EelKat is the name of my website if it is not my name, is the single most asked question I get, I'm just going to answer here at the top of the homepage for you all, so you don't have to ask it any more.
This site was started in 1996 as a GeoCities site, and moved to several freehosts between 1996 and 2013, before becoming a self hosted site in 2013, and 2013 was when I had to look for a url to host it on, and 6 letter "eelkat" was available, so I bought it. And for some odd and inexplicable reason, that has since led people to believe my name was "eelkat" but I have no clue why.
Looking to find out more about my son's murder, that information is on these pages:
There seems to be this weird "fanfiction version" of me that gets spread around online, and I don't know the source of it, but it's really weird. They pretend to be me, while calling themselves alien abducttes, making wild claims about aliens, ufos, cryptids, haunted cars, and Stephen King.
And yet, none of that is anything I do or believe, so I don't know where it comes from, who started it, or who keeps it going.
And apparently it's been going on for well over a decade, but I only just found out about it in fall of 2021. I found out about it because local people are stopping me while walking my dog, to ask me about it.
And they ask me weird shit like:
- "When was the first time you were abductted by aliens?"
Uhm, what? I was never abducted by aliens, what the fuck are you talking about?
- "When was the first time you noticed your car was haunted?"
Uhm...what? My car isn't haunted, what the fuck are you talking about?
For several years now, i've had an onslaught of Stephen King fans showing up in my yard in mass hordes, at one point two tour buses from Vermote, showed up in my yard, unloaded 72 people of EACH bus and starting walking around my yard talking about Stephen King movie filming history and I had to have the police chase the fucking jackass treespassers out of my yard!
And I've always been confused and baffled by what the fuck, why are Stephen King fans showing up in my yard, also who the fuck is Stephen King, I'd never heard of him until it's idiot fans started flocking to my yard.... but in 2023, I found out, there is a Spotify Podcast from New York, that is a pair of slanderous jackasses who are supposedly ghost hunters and for nearly a decade have been making wild slanderous claims about me, my family, my car, aliens, ufos, crystids, and a whole of other insane bat crazy shit, and aparenltly THAT is where the Stephen King fans are getting this crazy assed ideas!
Well, this is how I found out someone has been impersonating me online, mostly on Reddit and on faceBook but other places as well. And it's not one account... it's HUNDREDS of acounts.
I have a dog walking youube & tiktok where I just walk my dog around the block and talk about whatever is stressing me out.
|
My YouTube |
My TikTok |
Neither my YouTube nor my TikTok are monetized. So I don't make a penny from either.
One day, it was thunderstorming and I couldn't go outside, so I'm sitting at my weaving loom and embroidery hoop set up and talking instead.
Suddenly I'm getting tons of comments that are like "toxic accusations" of "why the f aren't you making videos about weaving looms/embroidery? I didn't know you did that, why did you never tell us, why are you holding out on us, i thought i knew everything about you, we deserve to see everything you do, blah, blah, blah"
There was this huge entitlement vibe, like I was supposed to put everything I do 24/7 on TikTok just for them. It gave off so much parasocial entitlement vibes, all icky and stalker creepy.
I'm like, dude, I make a 2 minute video daily, of my dog, and that's it, there's a shit tonne load of stuff about me you don't know, I do weaving, costume sewing, embroidery, dollhouse making, crossstitch, cloth doll making, scrapbooking, art journaling, artist trading cards... NONE of it is online. I can have hobbies without making videos. Why does having hobbies without making videos about them seem like such a foreign concept to so many people?
But aparently, BECAUSE there is someone(multiple somes?) going around online pretending to be me, a lot of people who THOUGHT they "knew" me and who I was are now finding out that I'm not anything even remotly like what they thought, because everything the impersonater has been doing and saying is all stuff I don't do or believe in at all!
There is actual very little REAL or ACCURATE information about me online, as ALMOST NOTHING of my life, my beliefs, or my habits and hobbies has EVER been put online at all.
The fact remains, if you are finding information about me and it is NOT from one of these links here, there's a near 100% chance the information is a lie started by my son's murderer.
Looking to find out more about my son's murder, that information is on these pages:
THESE are my REAL accounts... any others you find are NOT me:
Happy 2026!
It is our 30th anniversary here at Space Dock 13!
On the web since 1996!
You have encountered an extremely old website that continues to exist in old web ways, the same way it has done for now three decades.
In spite of being now 30 years old this year, started in 1996, it is still heavily active and old pages updated daily, new pages added daily, still now in 2026. All hand written, all hand coded (no AI), all by me, same as it ever was.
We Still Exist: The Old Web Did Not Go Away, You Just Forgot How To Find Us
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This site was NOT designed for mobile devices (as they had not been invented yet when I created it) thus this site looks best on a computer, at 1280x768 or above. |
This is a very old website created in 1996, so, yes, javascript is needed for the site to work as it should. If things don't function, you may need to update javascript drivers on your device |
This site tries to be mobile friendly but it's been online since 1996, so old pages may not load right on mobile devices, and as this site has had pages added near daily for 30 years there are now over 20k pages here. |
Having started out in life as a GeoCities site, this site contains glitter, bright colours, blinkies, moving gifs, and other things the old web was known for. |
Wasn't This Page Different Yesterday?
Answering another question: "Wasn't this page different yesterday?"
Yep. Probably. I update pages daily. Move pages constantly. Re-write codes every few weeks. Publish 1 to 3 or sometimes as many as 10 new pages every day. And post daily updates on various pages. The front landing page (this one you are reading now) often changes daily. It'll feature different articles every day.
The reason this front home page changes daily is because every day I write a new article and type it directly into this front page. It takes a day or two to type up the code for making the stand alone page for the article, but once the stand alone page is coded, the article text is moved off the front page to its own dedicated article page/url.
The first draft of an article shows up here on the front home page, the day it's written, then 2 or 3 days later gets moved to it's own page with it's own url.
Meaning, anything you saw on the homepage here, is still on this website somewhere, it was just moved to it's own dedicated page. Nothing is ever deleted off of this site, nothing has been deleted off this site since 1996, nearly thirty years ago, thus why there are well over ten thousand pages here. (as of 2026 there are now over twenty thousand pages on this website).
I use bot blockers, so MOST of the pages can not be found via Google or Bing searches, and can only be accessed by clicking from a link directly on this website. I started doing this in 2015 after a hacker used my site to tack "pop over clones" of my pages, but with their edits, making it appear that my articles said something completly different then what was actually said. They did this to "insert" the names of several people in Old Orchard Beach, whom I had never heard of before, to make it look like my articles were talking about those specific names.
My real website is www . e e l k a t .com
The fake clone pages were being hosted on variations of that including:
3 3 l k a t .com
r e a l e e l k a t .com
e e e l k a t .com
e e l l k a t .com
e l l k a a t .com
...and well over a dozen other variations.
None of those articles were me and the hacker was identified as Joel B. and did go to prison for his actions.
Frame busting codes were added to my site, after his hacking attack, as prior to his attack, I was unaware it was possible to cause fake frames to load over a real website, making fake clone articles load over the original real articles.
This site is VERY active. If you don't come back daily, you'll definitely miss out on something.
If you encounter a page which asks for a password, no, you can not request access. There are over 2k pages of this website set to password access, due to the ongoing FBI investigation into my son's murder. If you are a police officer authorized access these pages but do not have the passwords, let me know, I will deliver the passwords to the specific pages you are allowed to access, to you via the Portland FBI office and you can pick them up from the FBI agent in charge of the murder investigation.
Pages where you can find out more information on that:
People always ask why I have a video recorder running 24/7. Watch these 4 videos of The Scarborough Walmart.
People always ask why I have a video recorder running 24/7. Watch these 4 videos of The Scarborough Walmart.
I have a video recorder running 24/7. Because this parking lot is where I was attacked a second time by the woman who crippled me with the golf club at Southern Maine Community College in 2013 (who also murdered my 8-month-old son at the same time) this is the location of her 2nd attack, the July 2016 attack with a shopping cart, the attack that left me in a wheelchair and despite over 200 "security cameras" and signs saying there are cameras in use... the police did not find even ONE actual REAL camera. Every "security camera" on this building and parking lot was ALL fake "dummy cameras" and that is why there is no video footage of my son's murderer.
I started carrying a camera 24/7 the very next day after Scarborough police informed me they could not identify the blonde woman who attacked me or her gold Volvo 240GL station wagon, because EVERY CAMERA at this store's parking lot was an empty case with no real camera inside it. My son would be 12 years old this Christmas 2025, and his murderer walks free, still unidentified because this parking lot did not have real cameras.
Those things that look like cameras on the building and light poles, are fake, according to the Scarborough Police Department. That is why I have a camera running 24/7, because my son's killer walks free because there was no camera the day we were attacked.
Happy 2026!
It is our 30th anniversary here at Space Dock 13!
On the web since 1996!
You have encountered an extremely old website that continues to exist in old web ways, the same way it has done for now three decades.
In spite of being now 30 years old this year, started in 1996, it is still heavily active and old pages updated daily, new pages added daily, still now in 2026. All hand written, all hand coded (no AI), all by me, same as it ever was.
We Still Exist: The Old Web Did Not Go Away, You Just Forgot How To Find Us
|
This site was NOT designed for mobile devices (as they had not been invented yet when I created it) thus this site looks best on a computer, at 1280x768 or above. |
This is a very old website created in 1996, so, yes, javascript is needed for the site to work as it should. If things don't function, you may need to update javascript drivers on your device |
This site tries to be mobile friendly but it's been online since 1996, so old pages may not load right on mobile devices, and as this site has had pages added near daily for 30 years there are now over 20k pages here. |
Having started out in life as a GeoCities site, this site contains glitter, bright colours, blinkies, moving gifs, and other things the old web was known for. |
I shouldn't have to say this, but people keep contacting me, so apparently I do:
- No, I do not believe in aliens. Stop contacting me to ask for alien information. If you believe in aliens, I think you are insane, retarded, or both.
- No, my car is not haunted. I've debunked that rumour many times now. . Stop contacting me to ask for haunted car information. If you believe in haunted cars, I think you are insane, retarded, or both.
- No, I am not connected to Stephen King. I didn't even know who he was until you idiots started contacting me asking about him. I had to look him up on Google to find out what you were even talking about! If you have questions about Stephen King, go contact him and ask him. I'm not him. I don't know him. I know nothing about him. I've never read one of his books. I've never seen one of his movies. I can't figure out why you people are even coming to me to ask about him in the first place!
- If someone told you I believe in aliens, if someone told you my car was haunted, if someone told you I was connected to Stephen King, you NEED to contact the FBI agent in charge of my son's murder investigation and TELL HIM WHO it was who told ou, exactly WHAT it was they said, HOW they contacted you, WHERE they contacted you... because it is a KNOWN FACT that my son's murderer is the one who started all these slanderous alien, haunted car, Stephen King rumours, and the FBI is trying to catch her.
If you have any information about my son’s murderer, please give it to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office.
Do you know who this woman is?
On August 8, 2013 she drove a backhoe over my house. On November 14, 2013 she arrived at Southern Maine Community College and crippled me with a golf club and murdered my son. One June 24, 2016, days after my first attempts to walk again, she attacked me with a shopping cart at Scarborough, Walmart, reinjuring the Nov 14, 2013 injury.
She crippled me when I was 8 months pregnant, a woman with a golf club, severed my spine and bashed my baby's head in, I spent 9 years relearning to walk, and the FBI is 13 years into the murder investigation and not yet id-ed the attacker who crippled me and killed my baby, both violently with a golf club.
Complete details of EVERYTHING she did is on this page here.
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The golf club woman who called herself Clair as she looked November 14, 2013. Her hair is a weird chin leangth pageboy (very Medival style cut) platinum blonde with wide brown/black dyed stripes in it (like a reverse of Lily Munster, but the stripes are several, almost like a zebra). I am 5'6" and she was a LOT taller then me, like closer to the height of a man; she had thin lips like a man, and large nose like a man... she COULD have been a man disguised as a woman, given the ease with which she severed my spine....she's is a LOT stronger then is typical for a woman). She was wearing a chambre blue denim "blazer jacket over shirt" and a button up mens shirt (possibly flannel) and blue jeans. The bulk of her yelling was focused on accusing me of being transgender, even while ripping my baby out of my 8 month pregnant belly and bashing his head in with a golf club. |
The Claire woman as she looked during her shoping cart attack at Scarborough WalMart June 2016, the attack with left me paralyzed and in a wheelchair. Her hair was dyed dark red, and she drove away in a gold Volvo 240 Station Wagon of a late 1980s/early1990s model, with a "458" on the lisnce plate.... If you have any information about the woman who crippled me with a golf club, please give it to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office. |
If you have any information about the woman who crippled me with a golf club, please give it to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office.
Good god! We just found out about yet another slanderous rumour this woman has been spreading? When does it end? How many more of these things are out there?
Video explains what else she's done ...
If you have any information about the woman who crippled me with a golf club, please give it to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office.
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If you encounter anyone claiming my car is haunted, demon possessed, or somehow connected to Stephen King please give the information of who, when, where/location to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office. If you encounter anyone claiming I believe in aliens or was an alien abducttee, please give the information of who, when, where/location to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office. |
If you know who drove this backhoe over my house at 146 Portland Ave, Old Orchard Beach, Maine 04064-1520 on August 8, 2013 please give the information of who it is to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office. If you know who drove this backhoe over my house at 146 Portland Ave, Old Orchard Beach, Maine 04064-1520 on August 8, 2013 please give the information of who it is to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office. |
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Wendy Christine Allen, 2019, able to sit up in a chair for the first time in years, and able to raise up my arm and wiggle fingers. This was when I started playing Witcher 3 on Twitch as part of my physical therapy to regain finger movement. Playing Witcher 3 daily from 2016 to 2019, is how I regained the use of my thumb and two for fingers on my right hand... it is also why I stopped playing Witcher 3 in 2019, once I had strengthen my two forefingers enough to start typing again. Wendy Christine Allen, Old Orchard Beach's Autistic Author, Artist, Illustrator, & Art Car Designer Counting Down to the September 23, 2028 50th Anniversary of my first published book (September 23, 1978) If you are here looking for The Twighlight Manor series, The Crystonite Wars series, The Wild Years series, The White Rock Asylum for the Criminally Insane series, The Twisted Tales series, the Captured By a MerMan series, The Space Dock 13 series, The Kats of Planet Ptarmagin series, the stories about Miss Citten the Eel-Kat, or the stories about Etiole... ALL of those series were combined and consolidated into The Adventures of Quaraun the Insane Pink Necromancer series in 2014, so ALL the different series, are now under one series title. List of the published titles still in print: The Index of over three thousand stories in The Pink Necromancer series What the series is about, for those new here: |
If you want some stories to get you started in The Pink Necromancer series, reading these first will give you a good introduction to the 3 main characters:
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My Elves Are JellyFish...and I asked Google AI and ChatGPT 5.6 what they thought of this.
As requested, my daily writing prompt series is now available print paperback editions on Amazon.
There are 20 volumes of this writing prompt series currently planned and in varying stages of finishing, hopefully all 20 will be published by the end of 2026. I likely will do a 2nd series of writing prompt books in 2027.
Coming soon (Nov/Dec 2026)... patterns for my slow stitched embroidery:
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The first of the Visual Novels/Video Games for The Adventures of Quaraun the Inane/The Pink Necromancer series is published and available on Itch.io, there are 3 more planned for release in 2026, 6 more planned for release in 2027, and the big 60-hour 80k word 150 page one (Quaraun Goes To the Fair) is planned for a 2028 release.
There is a Pink Necromancer card game and a Pink Necromancer board game, as well as a Pink Necromancer table top RPG supliment for Dungeons and Dragons, all in the works, and to be released over the next couple of years as well.
I shouldn't have to say this, but people keep contacting me, so apparently I do:
- No, I do not believe in aliens. Stop contacting me to ask for alien information. If you believe in aliens, I think you are insane, retarded, or both.
- No, my car is not haunted. I've debunked that rumour many times now. . Stop contacting me to ask for haunted car information. If you believe in haunted cars, I think you are insane, retarded, or both.
- No, I am not connected to Stephen King. I didn't even know who he was until you idiots started contacting me asking about him. I had to look him up on Google to find out what you were even talking about! If you have questions about Stephen King, go contact him and ask him. I'm not him. I don't know him. I know nothing about him. I've never read one of his books. I've never seen one of his movies. I can't figure out why you people are even coming to me to ask about him in the first place!
- If someone told you I believe in aliens, if someone told you my car was haunted, if someone told you I was connected to Stephen King, you NEED to contact the FBI agent in charge of my son's murder investigation and TELL HIM WHO it was who told ou, exactly WHAT it was they said, HOW they contacted you, WHERE they contacted you... because it is a KNOWN FACT that my son's murderer is the one who started all these slanderous alien, haunted car, Stephen King rumours, and the FBI is trying to catch her.
If you have any information about my son’s murderer, please give it to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office.
Do you know who this woman is?
On August 8, 2013 she drove a backhoe over my house. On November 14, 2013 she arrived at Southern Maine Community College and crippled me with a golf club and murdered my son. One June 24, 2016, days after my first attempts to walk again, she attacked me with a shopping cart at Scarborough, Walmart, reinjuring the Nov 14, 2013 injury.
She crippled me when I was 8 months pregnant, a woman with a golf club, severed my spine and bashed my baby's head in, I spent 9 years relearning to walk, and the FBI is 13 years into the murder investigation and not yet id-ed the attacker who crippled me and killed my baby, both violently with a golf club.
Complete details of EVERYTHING she did is on this page here.
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The golf club woman who called herself Clair as she looked November 14, 2013. Her hair is a weird chin leangth pageboy (very Medival style cut) platinum blonde with wide brown/black dyed stripes in it (like a reverse of Lily Munster, but the stripes are several, almost like a zebra). I am 5'6" and she was a LOT taller then me, like closer to the height of a man; she had thin lips like a man, and large nose like a man... she COULD have been a man disguised as a woman, given the ease with which she severed my spine....she's is a LOT stronger then is typical for a woman). She was wearing a chambre blue denim "blazer jacket over shirt" and a button up mens shirt (possibly flannel) and blue jeans. The bulk of her yelling was focused on accusing me of being transgender, even while ripping my baby out of my 8 month pregnant belly and bashing his head in with a golf club. |
The Claire woman as she looked during her shoping cart attack at Scarborough WalMart June 2016, the attack with left me paralyzed and in a wheelchair. Her hair was dyed dark red, and she drove away in a gold Volvo 240 Station Wagon of a late 1980s/early1990s model, with a "458" on the lisnce plate.... If you have any information about the woman who crippled me with a golf club, please give it to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office. |
If you have any information about the woman who crippled me with a golf club, please give it to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office.
Good god! We just found out about yet another slanderous rumour this woman has been spreading? When does it end? How many more of these things are out there?
Video explains what else she's done ...
If you have any information about the woman who crippled me with a golf club, please give it to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office.
|
If you encounter anyone claiming my car is haunted, demon possessed, or somehow connected to Stephen King please give the information of who, when, where/location to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office. If you encounter anyone claiming I believe in aliens or was an alien abducttee, please give the information of who, when, where/location to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office. |
If you know who drove this backhoe over my house at 146 Portland Ave, Old Orchard Beach, Maine 04064-1520 on August 8, 2013 please give the information of who it is to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office. If you know who drove this backhoe over my house at 146 Portland Ave, Old Orchard Beach, Maine 04064-1520 on August 8, 2013 please give the information of who it is to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office. |
I hate that I have to interrupt my site with these updates on the FBI's investigation into my son's murder, but, until my son's killer is caught and in prison where they belong, we have to continue with these updates.
...
Now, back to the primary topic of my website... that this is an author website and you are here for information on my books and the characters in them... so, here you go:
- Wondering where to find the 1970s and 1980s editions?
- How I sold ten million books, for those who want to do what I did.
- For info on where to find current editions of my books, scroll further down this page.
- What type of author are you?
The Adventures of Quaraun The Insane
aka
The Adventures of The Pink Necromancer
aka
The Twighlight Manor Series
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Main character: Quaraun the Insane aka The Pink Necromancer  Quaraun in his Moon Goddess outfit. He is the Royal Court Mage of The UnSeelie Court, in addition to being married to the king.Information about Quaraun and BoomFuzzy, character history and backstory, information on what the series is about, can now be found here (It used to be on the home page, but I kept updating it and it got long enough I figured it should have it's own page.) |
Primary character: King Gwallmaiic, Lich Lord of Fire Mountain, King of The UnSeelie Court, Elf Eater of Pepper Valley  Quaraun's husband in his Faerie form (as King Gwallmaiic, the Faerie Chef)aka BoomFuzzy the Unicorn:
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Not sure which story to start with? These here are good places to start, to get a good introduction to the three main characters:
For Aspiring Writers: Info about how I write my novels, novellas, and short stories is here:
The Park Bench Method of Writing (just the article)
or
The Park Bench Method of Writing (with the list of 10k writing prompts - takes a LONG TIME to load - SEVERAL MINUTES!)
There are more the two thousand pages on this web site dedicated to teaching fellow writers how I write, edite, and publish my books, so that you can learn how to write, edit, and publish your own books. Those two links above will get you started.
More Articles For Writers on How To Write & Publish A Rapid Release Series:
Topic: Self Publishing:
Topic: General Writing Advice aka This is what I do if you want to do it too:
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or plus: How did you build your audience? And have you ever considered: How Things In Your Life Affect Your Writing but plus also more thoughts for writers and and and and and but also and because plus |
Topic: Character Creation & Writing Believable Characters:
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and + how to write: and and and Plus writing and VS writing and and and also but also thoughts on writing and or plus |
Topic: Worldbuilding & Creating a World For Your Story To Take Place In:
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and writing about or plus and or |
Topic: Writing Prompts:
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As I said, there are more then 2,000 articles like these on this website, but those will get you started and each links to more.
For Everyone who is my normal visitors, looking for the twenty-thousand+ pages of this website that make up the 138 novels, 432 novellas, 500+ poems, 2k+ drabbles, and 3k+ short stories of Quaraun series... the rest of this page is for you:
Not sure what the series is about?
Check out
and
Faeries vs Elves (In The Quaraun Series) A Pink Necromancer World Lore Post
and
Worldbuilding MoonQuakes and Disabled Characters for Fantasy Writers
and
How well do I know Quaraun? - Let's find out!
About the Novels, Novellas, and Short Stories of The Advantures of The Pink Necromancer:
The Quaraun Series:
What is the series about?
It's three god-level planet destroying alien invader Space Elf, Space Faerie, Space Demon wizards, with big global domination plans, whom have invaded 40th century Earth, settled in a lighthouse in Maine, are hellbent on destroying all Humans and taking over the planet, but never getting anything done because they are too busy throwing temper tantrums, having hissy fits, and flinging food, sea slugs, insults, and sexual tension at each other to get around to destroying the planet.
It's slice-of-life survival horror in a post-apocalyptic necromantic dictatorship, told through dysfunctional domestic intimacy between soul-stealing villains who rule the world. Welcome to the spiralling madness of Quaraun’s eldritch, sensory-heavy, character-driven, neurotic, dysfunctional, intimate, sugar-dusted Fae-punk world. This is the hostile, dystopian, necromantic, and hyper-sensory domestic horror of Quaraun’s everyday life with BoomFuzzy (and sometimes GhoulSpawn), in a grim world ruled by undead Faerie warlords where society has collapsed and survival is brutal, intimate, and corrupt, and Humans are often on the menu of UnSeelie Court feasts.
On Amazon:
Index of the Quaraun novels, novellas, & short story collections on Amazon
NOTE: If you are looking for The Twighlight Manor series, this is it.
Main character since 1978, Miss Citten The Eel-Kat was retired from main character use in 1987, replaced with Etiole the eel merman, as the new main character, who was retired from main character use in 1996, replaced with his father Sir Roderic as the main character.
In 2014 Roderic was retired from main character use, and his grandfather The Pink Necromancer was pushed forward as the new main character of the series.
In 2016 I rebranded the series as "The Adventures of Quaraun the Insane, aka The Adventures of The Pink Necromancer, formerly known as The Twighlight Manor series."
The series started September 23, 1978, and is still being written and published in 2025, and now spans 138 novels, 423 novellas, and over 3,000 short stories and novelettes.
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Miss Citten The Eel-Kat and her pet flying Space Eels |
 Captain Goldeneagle aka Etiole de Blue de Azure Swanzen aka The Silver Salamander aka The Silver Eel MerMan |
 Sir Roderic Swanzen, Lord of The Twighlight Manor |
 Quaraun Swanzen aka The Pink Necromancer, builder of The Twighlight Manor |
 Quaraun Swanzen aka The Pink Necromancer, builder of The Twighlight Manor, with his husband BoomFuzzy the Unicorn |
All the characters you knew in the 1970s, 1980s, and 1990s, including former main characters, EelKat, Etiole, and Roderic, still appear in the new stories, they are just no longer the main characters. It's still the same series about a deranged Lovecraftian Space alien Elf and his huge family and their sentient monster house, same as it always was. Only the name of the series has changed.
Index of the Quaraun novels, novellas, & short story collections on Amazon
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Not sure what the series is about?
Check out
and
Faeries vs Elves (In The Quaraun Series) A Pink Necromancer World Lore Post
to find out more about the plot and lore of the series.
Or try reading some of the free to read online stories first before committing to buying the books:
Hmmm... soooo... I was making the above list to ALL the links to EVERY Quaraun story published on my website here, and adding it into the front home pageof my site, here as you can see, and then I realized... wait... there are over two thousand Pink Necromancer stories up free to read on my website, I can't put two thousand links on the home page! Whoops! LOL!
So, now I'm putting list to ALL the links to EVERY Quaraun story published on my website here on this page instead and just link that page to here instead. But also I'll just leave some of the links here, as you can see above.
Quaraun is also on Ao3:
The Adventures of Quaraun the Insane aka The Pink Necromancer Series (A Short Story Collection)On GumRoad:
On Medium:
An Index of the more than TWO THOUSAND Quaraun Short Stories on Medium
(NOTE: a $5 or $15 per month paid subscription required to access stories on Medium)
On Vocal:
On Notd:
On OnlyFans:
Pink Necromancer Merch:
On CafePress:
On Zazzle:
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Not sure which story to start with? These here are good places to start, to get a good introduction to the three main characters:
What is the writing like?
I write like I talk, so it's a lot of bad grammar, broken grammar, phonetic spellings that are very bad because I don't know how to sound out a lot of words, and just not good at all. My parents pulled me out of school at age 8 and so, I never had an education beyond whatever they taught in Old Orchard Beach 4th grade back in the 1970s. It results in my vocabulary being mostly small words, my grammar being mostly hick-in-the-sticks-mountain-folk-speak, and my spelling often being very wrong without my realizing how wrong it is.
If literay snobs tried reading my writing, they'd probably die of a rage induced heart attack before the end of the first page.
I've not read a lot of the snooty works. The bulk of my reading is Marrion Zimmer Bradly, Terry Brooks, Anne MaCraffy, a bunch of random 1980s era epic/High Fantasy, most of the Connan the Barbarian stories, the Doc Savage books, everything by Edgar Allan pPoe/HPLovecraft/HGWells/Charles Dickens, the Little House on Prairie series, all 3,210 Fabio cover Historical Romance novels, all 801 Barbara Cartland novels, over two thousand Star Trek novels, and around 2,000 ADnD2ed handbooks/guides/splatbooks/dungeoncrawlers, and almost nothing else.
I own all of those books and just cycle through re-reading them. So, I ain't got a high brow reading style, and I'm thinking I'd probably end up bored if I tried reading high brow stuff.
I tend to write towards writing the sorts of tropy "bad writing" that is found in the Fabio books. Aka, my writing is not good, I know it's not good, but I don't let that stop me from writing anyways.
I also do almost no editing of my work either. I've been on fanfiction dot net since 1996, so I got used to a habit of writing a full story beginning to end, all in one day in one sitting, and publishing it with next to zero edits, minutes after I finish writing it.
So I don't understand the mindset of trying to edit and rewrite and perfect, and fuss over finding the perfect words, trying to get the perfect sentence, and all that sort of stuff that I see a LOT of writers around the internet talking about. I guess I just got a completly different mindset when it comes to writing.
Like, I feel like a lot of people who start forum threads asking for writing advice, are trying to write some mind altering manifesto magnum opus great American novel that they spent ten decades editing to make sure every word is perfect... meanwhile, I've published 138 novels, 423 novellas, 500+ poems, and 3,000+ short stories since 1978, and I've hardly edited any of them, never thought about perfecting grammar, never stopped to think about finding perfect words. And I just can't wrap my mind around the people who agonize for weeks over editing one sentence, because I publish something daily since 1996, and I'd not be able to say that if I'd spent weeks editing a single sentence to perfection.
I guess I have a "fan fiction mindset" and not a "scholarly mindset", and would just rather have fun writing fun characters doing fun things in fun places, rather then worrying about is some snot nosed college professor who doesn't give a shit about me, thinks my work is good enough for some snooty patooty prestige.
Sooo, yeah, don't expect "good writing" from me. If you are one of those arm chair critic high polluting holier then thou bitchy bitch faced jackasses who spends his time being a fucking dick and judging writing based on literary prose, you are definitely in the wrong place and are not gonna like my writing one bit, not one bit at all.
But additional, if you've followed me long enough, you may know me as a Disney comic book writer, who before the backhoe drove over my house August 8, 2013, I used to be 2nd place for the guinness world record of the largest Disney comic book collection on the planet, over THIRTY THOUSAND comic books... sadly only around two thousand of those comic books still exist today as they were in my house when the deranged lunatics drove a backhoe over my house destroying everything I owned INCLUDING my massive comic book collection.
My house at 146 Portland Ave, Old Orchard Beach, Maine, July 4, 2013, photo taken because we had just finished building a baby room on the back. vs My house August 8, 2013, when the same group of people (yes group, the golf club woman was not alone when she attacked November 14, 2013, nor was she alone with her second attack July 2016.) who murdered my son and crippled me, arrived the first time with a backhoe that they used to drive over my house, during a time of day that I normally was home asleep... I had to work a different shift at the Waffle Cone Pizza Food Truck at George's Parking Lot by Bill's Pizza at the OBB Peir, that day, otherwise, I too would be at the bottom of a landfill, along with my house and everything I owned that was also in the house. I was 5 months pregnant at the time and have been homeless for just under 14 years, homeless ever since.Anyways... back to my writing style in the Quaraun books...
But additional, if you've followed me long enough, you may know me as a Disney comic book writer, you will know already that I am "professional trained" as a comic book script writer, NOT a novel writer. And this greatly impacts how the Quaraun books are physically formated.
I'll explain.
...my style is very "conversational" more like thoughts on a page, so the line breaks with each pause of thought.
with each sentence ending and then a new line beginning.
....so it's like this:
Quaraun walked to the door.
"Damn'it'all, so much dust."
He pulled a silk scarf from his bag and used it to clean the doorknob.
"Much better."
With the knob now dust free, Quaraun opened the door.
The room stood empty.
Dust covered the table.
"Damn it!"
He glared at the dust.
It deeply offended him.
"So much dust."
Yep. Literally one sentence per line. Few to none multi sentence paragraphs at all.
And also no dialogue tags to tell you who is talking. ...which people have told me is refered to as "Hemingway method" because I don't use said tags.
???
I don't know. I'm not overly familiar with Hemingway, so I'm not sure if that actually is "hemingway Method" or not. I just know a shit tonne load of my readers have accused my writing of being "too much like Hemingway" (said as a bad thing, usually followed by a rant on how his writing was to male focused, too striped of adjectives, and too confusing to read because of the lack of said tags).
I did not go to school, my parents did the unschooling thing, so I learned to read and write from reading classic literature, not from doing grammar textbooks, they also had a full ban on anything written 1900s+ so I had only read books from -1800s...so Hemingway was on the list of banned authors I was not allowed to read. But also, lack of textbooks meant I was well into my late30s early 40s before I knew words like "adjectives" or "adverbs", and the result is I know HOW to write various styles of writing, from reading them, but I don't know what the formal/correct style/titles of the various types of words (adjectives, adverts, ect) are.
For a short while write for Disney comics ,their Danish division owned by Edgemont, back in 2005, only worked for them one year, as back then living in America and writing for a publication in Denmark was expensive and tedious as I was mailing paper manuscripts air mail (email and internet was not mainstream yet at the time) and it was actually costing my MORE FOR POSTAGE then the amount of pay, Disney was paying me.
Yeah.
I was literally LOSING MONEY by writing for Disney because at the time they did not have email and such, so I had to mail everything air mail and get insurance on it, and, that had to be done for each efdit, which happened 2 to 5 times per manuscript, and in the end, it quickly reached $200+ for postage paid for a single story vs I was paid in total under $500 for a year's worth of writing for Disney. PLUS, I wrote in English but the books were published in Danish and unless you had a big name (like don Rosa) the author names were striped from the story and it just said "by Disney" under it. So, I QUICKLY became too frustrated with the extreme low pay vs the amount of costs I had to pay to ship the paper to Denmark, so, after only 15 months of working for Disney, I just walked away from that job.
I was writing those 3 page shorts that they put in as filler between the long stuff by Don Rosa and other big names. (I wrote the "Banty Rooster" stories set on Grandma's farm, so the stories when Donald Duck was visiting the farm; but as far as I know none of them ever got published in English or American editions.)
Its the only "formal training" I ever had for writing. After I sent in my first submission, they liked it but said I had formatted it wrong, and sent me a submission guide package that had a large print out of how to format. it was maybe 75 or 80 pages, plastic spiral bound, and I still have it.
It has all the formatting instructions for writers and artists and showed example panels and such.
One of the things they pointed out was that each page almost never had even 100 words, most panels had only 10 words. It even says "If you can edit a sentence down to 7 words or less, do so. There is almost never a reason for more than 7 words in a sentence."
I had to write without dialogue tags too...
Narrative: "SLAM!"
The door slammed shut as Donald entered the room.
Donald: "Blah blah, blah."
Daisy: "Blah, blah."
Donald left the room.
"Narrative" tells the artist what word to write at the top.
The name before told the artist who was talking.
The narrative below told the artist what to draw, but the words do not appear in the art.
So when I was writing for Disney Adventures Digest, Danish Edgemont editions, that is how I was formatting my manuscripts, because that was what they said to do.
And so when I started self publishing Quaraun novels on Amazon Kindle in 2010, I wrote my novels that same way.
Which results in my novels are 90%+ dialogue, nearly zero said tags, barely -10% narrative.
Nearly entirely made up of 3 to 10 word long sentences, one sentence per line. most of my novels are over 150k words.
My longest novel has 750 pages in its print edition.
All the stories almost reads like a stage play but not quite, I guess it reads like a comic book script ?
As i said I was "homeschooled" via unschooling method. So, I didn't have anyone saying "here is how sentences are supposed to be structured", and so, this submission guide from Disney comics Denmark Edgemont division for the 3 page filler shorts, was the only real "formal training" i had in how to formatted writing.
I do think this heavily impacted my writing style.
But also, I'm kind of not looking to improve my writing style either.
It is what it is.
For me its the fun of writing itself.
I turn off notifications, and I never go back and look at my fics once they are published, so I have ZERO clue if they got read, if anyone left comments, whatever. I've no idea. It just completly doesn't interest me at all, o know if anyone read it, liked it, didn't like it.
It's the physical act of the writing itself that I'm for.
I'm writing for myself, writing the story that I want to read, writing the story that I could not find out there written by other, it kind of doesn't matter to me if the writing is garbage, if the grammar is bad, if the spelling is terrible, if it compares to the skill of other writers, because, my goal is not to write the best thing ever, my goal is to have fun writing the fun thing I wanted to read about fun characters having fun in a fun world setting.
Fun, is literally the goal here, so, I'm not worrying: "Does my writing suck?" because, yeah, my writing probably does suck. but did I have fun writing it? Hell, yeah I did!
So for me it's all about not thinking about what other writers are doing at all, not caring if other writers write better, and just focusing on the fun of the act of writing fun things.
And I don't even look for feedback, like I'm never asking "Iss this any good?" I guess I have a "fan fiction mindset" and not a "scholarly mindset", and would just rather have fun writing fun characters doing fun things in fun places, rather then worrying about is some snot nosed college professor who doesn't give a shit about me, thinks my work is good enough for some snooty patooty prestige. I'm not trying to write the next nobel prize winning great American novel, you know?
For me it's about writing what I wanted to read.
I don't care if other people like it or not, because I like it, and that's all that matters, because I write it for me, and if others like it to, great, but if others don't like it, well, it doesn't matter because they weren't the ones I was writing it for to begin with.
One thing is for certain, I have loads of fun writing my characters living in their world.
What an odd question. Not one aimed at me, just a general question on Reddit, but let's answer it, shall we?
AO3, privacy and online anonymity AO3, privacy and online anonymity Discussion (Non-question) It feels so humiliating to imagine anyone snooping in my account while knowing that it's me. When I express my desire to remain anonymous, people immediately assume i have nasty perverted stuff in there; and while i may read smut every once in a while, it's not exclusively --or even primarily-- about the porny stories. Just someone seeing that I like 2D character A and B hugging so much that I've bookmarked 20 fics about it is humiliating. Fanfiction reading has this peculiarity distinctive from book reading that it freely indulges in hidden, perhaps even subconscious obsessions and desires. I can't showcase my fanfictions the way I proudly exhibit my book library. It would be like... Letting them in to my fantasies. I don't know how to put it into words. Sometimes I want to share a fanfiction so badly, but I can't because I know that if i tell the title to the person i gushed about it to, they might pinpoint my comments and recognise me from my tastes or my way of writing. How do you feel about this? What's the craziest thing you've done to keep your AO3 anonymous? |
>What's the craziest thing you've done to keep your AO3 anonymous?
I don't.
All my fans know how to find me everywhere. My author website has links to all my social media accounts, all my social media accounts that allow links, have links to my author website. My website has been adding a new page (or more) daily since I started it back in 1996, so, this year is the 30th anniversary of my author website, which now has twenty-thousand pages/blog posts/articles/stories/fanfiction on it, and gets over a million visitors a month. You don't gain a following like that from being anonymous. You really don't.
I mean I do book signings all over the country, I attend CosPlay/comic book/anime/manga geek conventions all over the country as a guest speaker/lecturer/workshop/panelist, and you can't do that if you remain anonymous either.
Yes, that comes with I can't walk into WalMart, without people knowing who I am and what I write. Heck, we just got back from a family vacation camping trip, half-thousand miles away, five different families in the campground, from five different states, recognized me.
And yes, everyone in my home town knows I write Omegaverse MPreg. Yes, that does come with local religious snooties yelling at me while I'm trying to buy toilet paper and dog food.
Perhaps it stems from my being a traditional published author first and a fanfic writer later, that I don't see the reason to be paranoid about my fans finding my accounts? I mean, big house publishers are constantly telling us to market ourselves on social media and you can't do that with anonymous accounts, right?
I don't hide who I am. I don't live a double life. I'm exactly the same person offline as I am online. I don't have an alt ego or persona. No reason to. I believe anyone with something to hide, can't be trusted. I believe honest people don't hide things. I have nothing to hide. So why should I hide anything?
I'm just me. I never saw a reason to be fake, to hide what I'm a fan of, to hide my hobbies, to hide what I write.
My way of thinking: anyone who cares enough to hate me for my hobbies, isn't a person that needs to be in my life to begin with. I'm not going to live my life hiding what I love to please someone who doesn't respect me enough to let me like certain things.
me-wendy-c-allen-at-hesper-luther-site-may22-2026.jpgOn Being Legally Blind: (aka why I write BoomFuzzy as being legally blind, is because I am myself legally blind in my left eye)...
Another of the top 3 most asked questions people send me, is to ask what it is that I actually see. I am legally blind, yet I have a driver's license and drive a car... but I NEVER drive over 25MPH, because I am legally blind and I can not see far enough, clearly enough to even attempt to drive over 25mph.
And it confuses people the fact that people hear "legally blind" but automatically ASSUME (incorrectly) that "blind" means I see only blackness. Blind people seeing blackness is a myth created by HollyWood movies and does not actually exist in the real world and very few sighted people seem to be aware of this.
Over 70% of "fully blind" people have SOME vision, as the criteria to be "FULLY blind" is not being able to see past three inches.
The only blind people who see "blackness" like the movies show, are those who have damage to the eyes, or have no eyes at all... and EVEN THEN... people without eyes often DO NOT see "blackness" at all and instead see white with rainbow flashes of light, because it is actually your brain and not your eyes that cause colours vs blackness, to begin with, thus why people without eyes can see see colours.
Blindness is a lot more varied then sighted people are generally aware of and often blindness has more to do with the brain then the eyes. Which is why there are blind people whose eyes seemingly function normally and eye doctors say have nothing wrong with their eyes at all, aka, the eyes have no cause of that person's blindness, and their lack of sight is caused by something like a brain tumour or a blood clot, or some other issue not directly related to the eye.
And such is the case with my own blindness.
My eyes have damage to the rods and cones which causes SOME but not all of my vision issues. What this means is the rods and cones in my eyes are malformed, some too long, some too short, and this is a thing I was born with, that causes severe nearsightedness.
I am legally blind in my left eye and serverly vision impaired in my right eye. However BOTH eyes are able to pass Maine's eye test at the DMV. Go figure. I've been told that the eye test is different in every state and that Maine's requirements are far lower then in other states, so that probably factors in.
I can never win at games like Dutch Blitz, because when you play Dutch Blitz you see this:
But when I play Dutch Blitz, I see this:
That is how the world looks to me.
Blindness is not what most people think it is.
Blindness is not blackness and nothing.
Blindness is blurry blotches and mostly dark reds with bright bursts of white lights surounded by rainbow glitter, and a few holes between the bursts of blood streaked white light that you can actually see through a little bit.
updated to answer this question:
Where does the concept of "I'm legally blind without glasses" comes from?
So many people say this, and then go on to say their glasses give them 6/6 (20/20) vision. Who on earth is telling them they're "legally blind without glasses"? (And why do many of them get angry when you point out they're not even visually impaired...?) Are their optometrists just ill informed somehow? I've heard about problems with a certain subreddit, but people say it on other platforms too. I know a lot of places use 6/60 (20/200) with correction as the cut off for legal blindness, including the US (where I have seen this from) so that couldn't be the issue.
I have heard of people saying "I'm blind without my glasses" but never "legally blind". In the first case, I see nothing wrong with it, particularly if someone really can't see that well at all without wearing his glasses. But in the second, I would find it a bit odd. Why say legally blind, unless it is literally true?
It can't be true is the thing. Legal blindness is determined by corrected vision, not what you see without glasses.
Someone came in here once, saying "I'm visually impaired (legally blind without glasses, 20/20 with them)" and was really aggressive to people pointing out that's all kinds of wrong
The expression "legally blind" has always bothered me. I feel the criteria are very broad, and there are people with significant functional vision who define themselves as "legally blind."
The criteria, at least in Australia, is visual acuity of 6/60 (20/200) or less, and/or a visual field of... I want to say 5-20°? I don't remember the exact number.
The thing is, it's not really a person-determined or self-identified thing, but some people seem to treat it like it is (like a lot of people who have 20/20 vision with glasses...)
It's just a cut off point for like. Help and stuff. Same as visual impairment being defined as vision corrected to... I believe 6/12 or 6/18 or less? I don't know the American measurements sorry.
I hate that any time I see someone online claiming to be visually impaired, legally blind or just blind, I can't really just. Take them at their word. Because so many people misuse these terms that have meanings.
The phrase is also why I make sure to differentiate between legally blind and totally blind.
People want attention and want to feel special. They think saying they are legally blind without glasses makes them unique.
A lot of people also claim they have certain mental conditions to seem quirky.
Even on reddit, there are occasionally posts of people with only mild nearsightedness claiming they're blind.
I've even had several people, upon learning I'm blind, tell me "oh I'm legally blind too" or "I'm blind too without my glasses" meanwhile they can drive just fine and use no aids whatsoever. It's very strange.
I agree that it really does water down these terms and makes it more confusing for sighted/non disabled people. And more frustrating for us who actually have these conditions.
It's just so confusing. I can't help but worry that people claiming this, and incorrectly claiming they're visually impaired, just... water down and muddy these terms to the general (fully sighted) public, giving them wrong ideas and stuff.
It's gotten to the point where I feel like I have to say "(yes with glasses)" when I say I'm nearly legally blind in my one working eye
I'm actually medically diagnosed as: "legally blind in both eyes without glasses" (I can see exactly eight inches without glasses) and "legally blind in the left eye with glasses; severely visually impaired in right eye with glasses" (I can see about fourteen feet with glasses via my right eye, but still under a foot with my left eye) while both eyes are listed as "zero prereferral vision and severe tunnel vision" (meaning I can not see out either side, ... it does not say any numbers.
I can drive a car, because State of Maine only requires one eye to pass and does not have a side vision requirement. I would never dare drive over 25mph though because, I literally can not see the front of my hood, let alone the car in front of me, I'm actually not sure why they let me have a driver's license.
When "walking" (I'm in a wheelchair), I walk into things all the time. I frequently slam into street signs on sidewalks or trees in the park, because my vision if "sideways" I'm not sure how else to define it, but by sideways I mean, because I am legally blind in my left eye, a tree may look to ME, like it is a foot beside me, when it is ACTUALLY dead centre in front of me, so I slam right into it... like I said, I'm not sure why they think I can see well enough to pass the driving test. While I HAVE a driver's license, I also hire someone to drive my car if I need to drive more then to the local store and back because I don't trust driving on the main roads. I only drive on the side streets that are 25mph, and I have someone else drive my car, if I have to get out of any road 35mph+. State of Maine may trust I can see well enough to drive, but I don't agree.
...sooooo...uhm... "legally blind without glasses" is LITERALLY the exact words doctors use as a medical diagnoses.
But I wonder, how many people SAY it vs how many people have the ACTUAL DIAGNOSIS... is it like Autism where fewer then 120k people have ever been MEDICALLY DIAGNOSES since 1944, leaving it to be only 1 in every TWENTY MILLION people who ACTUALLY have a MEDICAL Autism diagnosis, but 1 in 3 people say they are Autistic, due to self diagnoses that are no medically confirmed?
I have Autism by the way. Was the first person in America, who has an actual medical diagnosis of Autism to be given a driver's license and right now in 2026 and one of only TWELVE people in America, who have Autism and a driver's license... yet you will find MILLIONS of people in America who have driver's license and CLAIM to have Autism... Autism, is a disorder that bans you from driving a car, if someone has an actual medical diagnosis of Autism, the state WILL revoke their driver's license. Someone having a driver's license is actually he fastest and most accurate way to prove a person is lying when they claim to have Autism.
So, I suspect, you are correct, that, "legally blind without glasses" like "autistic" is commonly SAID without an actual medical diagnosis.
But the fact remains "legally blind without glasses", like Autism, IS an actual medical diagnosis, so, while some may be just saying it to fit in, that does not mean everyone is.
I think it is different in different places too, because I've heard many people define it differently, depending nowhere they are from. In Maine, my doctor says both ways.
Without glasses, I'm legally blind vs with glasses I'm only legally blind in my left eye. With glasses my left eye sees at a range of exactly eight inches straight ahead, but it is very blurry tunnel vision (blackish red rims/frames around what I see, like I'm looking through a pin hole on a red sheet of paper) and I can not see things like text in a book, even with the book touching my nose, but without glasses I can make out nothing at all - just a red and grey swirl blur with blotches of colours.
My right eye is slightly better, but max distance is 14 feet before things drop off into a red fog of pink fuzzy blur.
I don't know the laws, but I know the state law is what determines the diagnosis, and the fact that my dr has it written up both ways on the paperwork I have to take to the DMV to get my state ID card.
And that's how my doctor words it and how the DMV printed it up on my state id card: "Legally blind without glasses; legally blind in left eye with glasses".
I'm not even close to 20/20 with glasses. I'm 20/800+ left eye WITH glasses and 20/500+ right eye without glasses, but 20/300+ in my right eye with glasses. Ironically, I have a driver's license, because apparently Maine thinks I can pass the eye test.
I don't know where I fall in the category by region laws, but, yeah, my doctor says legally blind both with and without glasses, and I would assume if my doctor uses that termanology, then it's likely other doctors do as well.
I'm thinking, could be a lot of people are in fact being told "legally blind without glasses" by their doctors, and maybe that's why they get defensive when some stranger on the internet comes along and tells them to stop saying the very thing their doctor told them they were?
If you are interesting in finding out more about life being blind and/or how to write blind characters in fiction, I have this page: Writing Blind Characters: I am legally blind and I write a legally blind character, this is how I do it...
For Everyone who is my normal visitors, looking for the twenty-thousand+ pages of this website that make up the 138 novels, 432 novellas, 500+ poems, 2k+ drabbles, and 3k+ short stories of Quaraun series... the rest of this page is for you:
Not sure what the series is about?
Check out
and
Faeries vs Elves (In The Quaraun Series) A Pink Necromancer World Lore Post
and
Worldbuilding MoonQuakes and Disabled Characters for Fantasy Writers
and
How well do I know Quaraun? - Let's find out!
About the Novels, Novellas, and Short Stories of The Advantures of The Pink Necromancer:
The Quaraun Series:
What is the series about?
It's three god-level planet destroying alien invader Space Elf, Space Faerie, Space Demon wizards, with big global domination plans, whom have invaded 40th century Earth, settled in a lighthouse in Maine, are hellbent on destroying all Humans and taking over the planet, but never getting anything done because they are too busy throwing temper tantrums, having hissy fits, and flinging food, sea slugs, insults, and sexual tension at each other to get around to destroying the planet.
It's slice-of-life survival horror in a post-apocalyptic necromantic dictatorship, told through dysfunctional domestic intimacy between soul-stealing villains who rule the world. Welcome to the spiralling madness of Quaraun’s eldritch, sensory-heavy, character-driven, neurotic, dysfunctional, intimate, sugar-dusted Fae-punk world. This is the hostile, dystopian, necromantic, and hyper-sensory domestic horror of Quaraun’s everyday life with BoomFuzzy (and sometimes GhoulSpawn), in a grim world ruled by undead Faerie warlords where society has collapsed and survival is brutal, intimate, and corrupt, and Humans are often on the menu of UnSeelie Court feasts.
On Amazon:
Index of the Quaraun novels, novellas, & short story collections on Amazon
NOTE: If you are looking for The Twighlight Manor series, this is it.
Main character since 1978, Miss Citten The Eel-Kat was retired from main character use in 1987, replaced with Etiole the eel merman, as the new main character, who was retired from main character use in 1996, replaced with his father Sir Roderic as the main character.
In 2014 Roderic was retired from main character use, and his grandfather The Pink Necromancer was pushed forward as the new main character of the series.
In 2016 I rebranded the series as "The Adventures of Quaraun the Insane, aka The Adventures of The Pink Necromancer, formerly known as The Twighlight Manor series."
The series started September 23, 1978, and is still being written and published in 2025, and now spans 138 novels, 423 novellas, and over 3,000 short stories and novelettes.
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Miss Citten The Eel-Kat and her pet flying Space Eels |
Captain Goldeneagle aka Etiole de Blue de Azure Swanzen aka The Silver Salamander aka The Silver Eel MerMan |
Sir Roderic Swanzen, Lord of The Twighlight Manor |
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Quaraun Swanzen aka The Pink Necromancer, builder of The Twighlight Manor |
Quaraun Swanzen aka The Pink Necromancer, builder of The Twighlight Manor, with his husband BoomFuzzy the Unicorn |
All the characters you knew in the 1970s, 1980s, and 1990s, including former main characters, EelKat, Etiole, and Roderic, still appear in the new stories, they are just no longer the main characters. It's still the same series about a deranged Lovecraftian Space alien Elf and his huge family and their sentient monster house, same as it always was. Only the name of the series has changed.
Index of the Quaraun novels, novellas, & short story collections on Amazon
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Not sure what the series is about?
Check out
and
Faeries vs Elves (In The Quaraun Series) A Pink Necromancer World Lore Post
to find out more about the plot and lore of the series.
Or try reading some of the free to read online stories first before committing to buying the books:
Hmmm... soooo... I was making the above list to ALL the links to EVERY Quaraun story published on my website here, and adding it into the front home pageof my site, here as you can see, and then I realized... wait... there are over two thousand Pink Necromancer stories up free to read on my website, I can't put two thousand links on the home page! Whoops! LOL!
So, now I'm putting list to ALL the links to EVERY Quaraun story published on my website here on this page instead and just link that page to here instead. But also I'll just leave some of the links here, as you can see above.
On GumRoad:
On Medium:
An Index of the more than TWO THOUSAND Quaraun Short Stories on Medium
(NOTE: a $5 or $15 per month paid subscription required to access stories on Medium)
On Vocal:
On Notd:
On OnlyFans:
Pink Necromancer Merch:
On CafePress:
On Zazzle:
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Answering some common questions:Hello! How hard is it to write a book if you don't major in writing? It's been my dream to publish a book ever since I was young, but I'm not majoring in anything writing related and even though I want to, I don't think I will. Regardless, I was wondering how hard it would be to write and publish a good book, and if anyone knows any authors who have done so similarly! Also, any tips would be appreciated. Thanks! many are women who grew up in cultures where females were not allowed to go to school or learn to read or write... like myself. I was 31 years old when I started sneaking out at night, dressing up as a man, and walking to the nearest high school to take the adult education classes so I could get a GED. That three month crash course in remedial English is the ONLY education I have. No kindergarten, no grade school, no high school, no college degrees... and I've written and published 138 novels (each over 150k words), 423 novellas (each 35k to 75k words), 500+ poems (each over 1k words), 2k+ drabbles (each exactly 100 words), and 3k+ short stories (each over 300 words and upto 20k words)... since 1978... in total the series spans more then forty million words published in the last 48 years. ...with less education then the average five year old child has. ...I'm also now in a wheelchair because it only lasted three months, due to my uncles found out and my spine was broken with a golf club, I'm a quadriplegic in a wheelchair, since I was 31, because at 31, I, a female, commited the crime of daring to learn to read and write. I can only assume the OP is an American who lives in the comfort of not living in the threat of being beaten to death for learning to read or write, if their greatest fear is, not being able to write good enough without a college degree. There are many cultures in the world where writing/reading is deemed a sin and college is not even a dream at all because the punishment of daring to go to college is far too great. If one was to actually start looking at the history of published writers, very few even have high school diplomas, let alone college degrees. Here, have a video that explains more about how Gypsy men treat us Gypsy women:
#1 most asked question I get: Question: Is your car haunted? Answer: No. Why would you think my car is haunted? What kind of a retard do you have to be, to believe in haunted cars? I simply do not understand why over SEVEN MILLION people have now asked me that question. Who the fuck is telling you my car is haunted? What brain brain dead retard even made up that rumour? Where are you people coming up with this bull crap? Whoever told you my car is haunted, is lying to you and has some serious issues with not knowing fantasy from reality. Haunted cars are not real and if you think they are, please get the psychiatric help you so desperately need There are idiots out there who say my car is alive, haunted, demon possessed, and call it "the world's most haunted car" or "the real Christine", or "The Goldeneagle", those same braindead people call me "Stephen King's Thinner Gypsy Witch" and claim I can cast curses, and those same idiots call my best friend an alien or cryptid because he is a 90 year old WW2 vet with a lot of scars disfiguring him so they claim he can't possibly be human. I have spent almost 30 years of my life, debunking again, and again, and again, the rumors that my car is haunted or alive. Do you want o know what is ACTUALLY wrong with my car? In 1983, while picking up my mom and her friend to drive them to church... the passenger side door flew open and my mother's friend fell out, while the car was driving 65MPH down the highway. At church she, which happened to be fast and testimony meeting Sunday, she got up in front of the church to bear her testimony, that she knew the church was true, and it helped her survive a demon attack that very morning. She claimed a demon, opened the door, grabbed her, and threw her out of the car. THAT is how the rumours of my car being haunted got started. And you know what? It was a 1964 Dodge 330 Limited Edition 25th Anniversary Edition (a coronet, made in 1964 to celebrate the 25th anniversary since the first Coronet was made in 1939). Only 5,000 were built, and by 1983, only 500 still existed, because they had been recalled... because they were a "push button automatic"... they were the world's first somewhat successful computerized attempt at a self driving car... but they weren't successful... the wiring was faulty, so they did not self drive like they were supposed to, the push button system didn't work... and get this, they were recalled... ...they were recalled BECAUSE, the faulty wiring ran through the passenger's back door, through the door lock, causing the door to fly open... while you were driving... and there were no seat belts, so of course you fell out. This was a KNOWN ISSUE for this model car. Faulty wiring, caused the door locks to fail, and the doors to fling open while driving down the road. Its WHY the model was recalled, and why today fewer then a hundred still exist. So my mom's friends Lyta and Sally, were paranoid idiots that didn't know how computers worked...and wen around telling people my car was haunted, and a demon kicked them out in the road! Then, local people found out it was the SAME car, that in 1968, ran over my two year old aunt Barbie, because her older brother, my Uncle Bruce, threw her off the Common Street train bridge in Saco, in front of that car (than owned by Dr, Larochelle) and when all that went to court, he told the judge Satan was riding on the hood of the car and told him to do it. So the 1983 paranoid religious idiots of the Cape Elizabeth Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, put "2 and 2 together" and said, "oh yes, praise the lord, it must be haunted". And there are so many stupid people on this planet, that I know have to deal with MILLIONS of people both on the internet and offline showing up in my yard, and hundreds of YouTube scammers making hundreds of videos calling my car haunted, and dozens of Spotify scammers, making scam podcasts calling my car haunted... ...all because one idiot woman did not understand SCIENCE and how computers work, and that a faulty wire in a car computer is NOT a ghostly demon attacking her! .
Answer: It's not. Why do you think it is? Who told you it was? The Goldeneagle is a character from my novels. Captain Goldeneagle, is a military title for the Ptarmagin Military. Empress EelKat of Planet Ptarmagin, also known as Miss Citten The Eel Kat, gave that title to her personal star-ship pilot, a silver salamander, moray eel hybrid merman named Etiole de Blue de Azure Swanzen, also known as The Silver Salamander (due to is shimmering silver frog-like skin) or The Silver Arrow (due to his carrying an electrified crossbow as his primary weapon.) Whoever told you my car is called The Goldeneagle, is lying to you and has some serious reading comprehension issues combined with a serious inability to tell the difference between a fictional novel and the author who wrote said fictional novel. What is with all these weirdos, freaks, creeps, UFO nuts, conspiracy theorists, alien believing idiots, ghost hunter jackasses, and cyptid hunting lunatics, daily contacting me, showing up in my yard, accosting me at WalMart, following me around town, and endless harassing me with these wildly insane bull shit questions about my car? Who the fuck is sending all you nut jobs here? No, my car is not haunted you fucking retards. Leave me and my family alone. If you are not here to try to help the FBI find my son's murderer, I really don't want you contacting me. And even then, you don't need to contact me. If you have information leading to the arrest of my son's murderer, give it to the FBI agent in charge of the murder investigation. Don't give it to me. If you have any information about my son’s murderer, please give it to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office. And yes, no, does mean NO! No! My car is fucking NOT haunted, fuck the fuck off you fucking brain dead retards! Ghosts aren't real, aliens aren't real, cars are machines they are not alive, get out of my yard and fucking psychiatric help! Good god! Who the hell keeps sending you people here? I have answered more of your questions about my car here.
Answer: I don't know. My name is Wendy Christine Allen. The EelKat is a character from my novels. She is a black cat who is the empress of Planet Ptarmagin. She travels between solar systems in a starship called The VISION-D8, flown by a merman named Etiole, whom she calls Captain Goldeneagle. They travel the galaxy in search of giant space eels which rip portal wormholes through space allowing time travel to happen. EelKat is a fictional character. Whoever told you I am EelKat, is lying to you and has some serious reading comprehension issues combined with a serious inability to tell the difference between a fictional novel and the author who wrote said fictional novel. This is Eel Kat, her eels, and Etiole: Miss Citten The Eel~Kat and her interdimensional space eels... after not being used in any story in over thirty years, EelKat is returning for her 50th anniversary in 2028, as a character in the visual novel: Quaraun Goes To the Fair, currently in production and expected to release summer 2026.
Etiole is Quaraun's favourite grandson. Quaraun the Insane, is the main character of The Adventures of Quaraun the Insane, aka The Pink Necromancer series aka The Twighlight Manor series. Quaraun is The Pink Necromancer. Etiole is The Pink Necromancer's grandson. Captain Goldeneagle is Etiole's ranking title in the military. Etiole is the mute merman who lives in Crystal Cave, in MoonSnail Cove, under The Perilous Cliffs, at Noodle Beach, where Quaraun lives in the The Black Tower Lighthouse of Space Dock 13. You'd know all this had you ever read my novels. Clearly someone out there, read my novels, thought they were non-fiction, and has been spreading rumours... but how the fuck does all that translate into mentally ill lunatics showing up in my yard gibbering that my car is both haunted and called The Goldeneagle, I have no clue.
My 1964 Dodge 330, that I have always only ever called "The Dodge" and never called "The Goldeneagle", that for some odd reason, people call "The Real Christine", "The World's Most Haunted Car", or claim is haunted... to the point that May 2010 a local church group, known as The Relief Society of The Saco Ward Church of Jesus Chris of Latter Day Saints, arrived, cut my car in half with chainsaws, put it on a flat bed, and took it to a car crusher in Freeport, while chanting "we have to kill the car o kill the demon! kill the car! kill the demon!" And I don't know why the fuck they did it or why the fuck they convinced themselves that there was a demon living in my car!
Important: Fraudulent sites are impersonating Wendy Christine Allen.
Fraudulent social media accounts, particularly on Reddit and FaceBook are impersonating Wendy Christine Allen.
Find Me on Social Media: And it's not just impersonating me online on social media. In addition to the 27 FaceBook accounts and 33 Reddit accounts the FBI found impersonating me... The FBI is also finding a shit tonne load of stuff in my name, including more then twenty car repossessions, nearly a dozen house foreclosure, 27 credit cards each maxed out to totals ranging from $20k to $200k (I'm not even sure what a credit card is or what it being maxed out me, I've not only never had a credit card, I've never even seen one, I don't even know what they look like) the FBI says they've traced nearly all the credit cards back to one of my mother's sisters, several court cases that have absolutely nothing to do with me but have my name on them (at least 5 of which the FBI learned the court cases were my mother and she put my name on them instead of here, while at least 9 court cases were my father who put my name on them instead of his, while over a dozen were my uncle Bruce who put my name on them instead of his), ... ...and according to the FBI... the Atwater family has been using my name and social security number to do this sort of thing, since I was only two months old... these things date all the way back to October 1975... I was born in August 1975. The thing is, I didn't even know what a social security number was, before the FBI told me this was happening. Apparently my parents had gotten one for me in my name, without ever telling me. I was 42 years old when I found out the existence of the concept of a social security number, or that I even had one. On top of that I'm finding out to, that there is an entire online cult following for my car, from people who believe it is haunted or connected to some guy named Stephen King, who I never heard if before the FBI told me about him. The FBI says there are hundreds of YouTubers and Spotify podcasters making videos about me and my car, calling me an alien abduce, calling my car haunted, and connecting both me and my car to some movie maker named Stephen King. The FBI says THAT is why so many andom strangers show up in my driveway. The FBI says this Stephen King guy is insanly famous and used to live in Maine, and that all these people who keep showing up in my yard are his fans looking for him, and they think I know him, because there are YouTubers and Spotify podcasters telling them that! If you encounter anyone claiming my car is haunted, demon possessed, or somehow connected to Stephen King please give the information of who, when, where/location to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office. If you encounter ANYTHING or ANYONE either offline or online, using my name there is over an 80% chance it is NOT me. If you encounter ANYTHING or ANYONE either offline or online, using my social security number there is an absolute 100% change it is NOT me, because I neither know what my social secruity number is, nor do I know how to find out. And had the backhoe not driven over my house August 8, 2013, and had the backhoe driver not returned November 14, 2013 to murder my son and cripple me, I never would have found out any of these scams were going on. The FBI also says, that when people show up to interview my about my MerMan character, Etiole, from my novels... the FBI agent said, hese people are not talking about my MerMan chracter. He says they are talking about my local friend, a 90 year old World War 2 Vet they call "Etiole". What? Why? The FBI agent said they believe he is some cryptid thing that they call "The Amphibious Alien". I suppose that explains the weird interviews, which there have been a lot of. It's a constant thing, some guy will show up, claiming to be a reporter, and will ask if I can answer questions about Etiole, which I've always found odd, as Etiole is a very minor character, he only appears in around 25 to 30 short stories, out of more then three thousand short stories published, so, that so many reporters are hung up on this one character so bad, and not main characters like Quaraun, BoomFuzzy, or GhoulSpawn, just always seemed odd to me. It started in 2007. And since then, no feweer then 30 reporters have shown up EACH YEAR, asking for such interviews. It also explains why at book signings, there will always be a good 1/3rd or more of the people in line, asking: "Where's Etiole? I wanted to meet him. I wanted his autograph oo." And I'll always be: "Uhm... you know my novels are fictional right? None of my characters are real." And I always have such a hard time trying to convince them, Etiole is just Quaraun's MerMan great-grandson. The most bizarre thing of all, is BOTH the interviewers/reporters, AND the fans at book signings, always say the same thing. ALWAYS.... They will be all excited and say "I've read every thing you've ever wrote!" I ask: "Whoes your favorite character, I'll draw them beside my signature." (Because I'm also an artist). They say: "What do you mean? What characters?" I say: "I published 138 novels, 423 novellas, 500+ poems, 2,000+ drabbles, and 3,000+ short stories, all following the lives of the same one character and his family. You just told me you read ALL FIVE THOUAND PLUS of my books. Who is your favorite character?" They step back looking puzzled and confused and say: "I don't read fiction. I meant your non fiction books." To which I say: "I don't have any none fiction books. I don't write non fiction. I ONLY write The Twighlight Manor series, which I renamed The Pink Necromancer series in 2014. I think you've got me mixed up with someone else." They then insist: "No, I've read all your books." I respond with: "So name my characters. Who owns The Twighlight Manor? Who built it? And who lives there? You should know those three characters at least." They ask: "What's a Twighlight Manor?" I say: "The Twighlight Manor is the giant mimic, who disguses itself as a house during the day, and at night roams the streets eating people. All my stories are about it and how it came to exist. You'd know that had you ever read one of my books." They again say: "No, I don't read fiction, I told you, I read all your non-fiction books." And again I repeat: "I do not write non-fiction. I'm a Dark Fantasy novelist, I write fiction books. My books are ALL fiction, ALL one series. There are ZERO non-fiction books. You clearly have me mixed up with someone else." They then start gibbering about aliens, alien abductions, alien greys, pleasian aliens, UFO sightings, cryptids, and calling me "EelKat" and "EelKat Etiole's Friend" and start asking if they can meet Etiole. To which I then tell them, I know absolutly nothing about aliens, alien abductions, alien greys, pleasian aliens, UFO sightings, cryptids, or any other thing of that nature. My uncle Bruce was into that stuff. My uncle Bruce was a member of Heaven's Gate and was convinced God was an alien riding around on Mothership HaleBob and going to take him to live on Planet Kolob. My uncle Bruce talked about aliens, alien abductions, alien greys, pleasian aliens, UFO sightings, and cryptids. It sounds like you read his books, not mine. Then they start going: "But Etiole..." and they will pull out interview, I did with those reporters, about Etiole... and those just blow my mind... ...they'll hand me the interview printou... and OMG! One reporter had asked: "What does Etiole look like?" and I told them, he's got silver skin like a salamander, thick, wetm fleshy, pearlescant, mottled with blue fish scales, and when he swins though the ocean, he has long blue goldfish vieltail fins on his arms and legs, he has two penises like a snake, long talons like and eagle, and dozens of rows of pirahna-like fangs like a great white shark, he has no hair, but when he leaves the ocean and goes into Human villages he wears a whooly white afro wig and fake eyelashes. Because of the Swanzebn family's FarDarrid blood, he always wears a long red coat when he leaves Crystal Caves." And, the interview that was printed up said: "She told me she was abducted by a two penises silver salamander from a water planet." Uhm... what? Not once did the interviewer ask if I was abducted by aliens, no once did the interviewer mention that he thought Etiole was either a real person or an alien. Etiole is a fictional character from my novels, and I thought the interviewer was asking about this character from my novels, because I thought it was just their favourite character from my novels! I had no clue they were asking questions about some alien abduction bullshit. I've never been abducted by aliens, I don't even believe in aliens. So apparently, all these times reporters showed up asking endless questions about the MerMan named Etiole from my novels, apparently NONE of them was talking about the MerMan from my novels a all, and i never even knew it. Not ONCE did ANY of them ever say they were talking about aliens or alien abducions, or that they were referancing a local homeless world war two vet that they thought was a cryptid alien creature because he survived a fucking concentration camp during the war and is covered in disfiguring scars! No. They never said any of that to me. They would just show up and say: "So tell me about Etiole." or "Wha can you tell me about Etiole?" or "Tell me what Etiole looks like."... and I'd tell them about The Pink Necromancer's great-grandson, who is named Etiole de Blue de Azure Swanzen,, and is a five thousand year old MerMan who lives in the ThunDer Hole of Acadia National Park, in the year 399,999 hundreds of thousands of years after the comet Swift Tuttle hi the Moon in 2525 and whiped out the Human race off the face of the Earth, allowing the Faeries to rise up as the dominate species, and by 399,999 the Thunder Hole is collapsed and turned into a massive cave below the Atlantic Ocean... and it's WHY I go to Acardia National Park every year, because I head to the Thunder Hole overlook to record the changes in tides and weather a various times of the year so I can accuratly write those scenes in my novels. I can't figure out, how people can be so unintelligent and fantasy prone, that they think Etiole is REAL. I don't know how people got it into their heads that my offline friend, the WW2 vet is named Etiole. (He's not, that's not his name.) Etiole has always only ever been a fictional MerMan who is a character in my novels. And I can't figure out why people come here looking for him thinking he is real... but... ...but also... before the FBI's investigation into my son's murder, I had no clue there was someone impersonating me both online and offine, and aparently that person is telling people Etiole is a real alien or cryptid or something, while pretending to be me when they say it! I don't even know where to begin with any of this. Who is doing this? And why? I don't get it. What is their motive? I have no clue. I'm still trying to process what the fuck is even going on. If you encounter anyone claiming I believe in aliens or was an alien abducttee, please give the information of who, when, where/location to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office. I've been paralized, arms and legs, since November 14, 2013... I haven't even been on the internet in a full decade! Apparently, this impersonator has a huge amount of online accounts.... and the entire time I was offline, they've been pretending to be me... ...if you find ANYTHING online made between November 14, 2013, and May 21, 2023... it's NOT ME, because it wasn't until May 21, 2023 that I even gained the use of the two fingers and one thumb that I am typing this with right now! I was OFFLINE from November 14, 2013 until May 21, 2023, a full ten years of not being on the internet, so ANYTHING you encountered online during that time claiming to be me, WAS NOT ME! And you can go look at my accounts yourself and SEE THAT. Here is my REAL accounts, and you can see for yourself that there were no posts made, no activity at all between November 14, 2013 and May 21, 2023. I was paralized. I couldn't make any posts. You also see, some of these accounts date as far back as 1996, and you can see that I NEVER talked about aliens, alien abductions, haunted cars, or Etiole! NEVER! Go look at them and see for yourself! These are Me on Social Media: Any websites and accounts you find online that are NOT on this list are NOT Wendy Christine Allen The FBI believes that it is the woman who murdered my son and drove a backhoe over my house and crippled me with a golf club, making the up the bullshit lies and rumours about aliens, alien abductions, alien greys, pleasian aliens, UFO sightings, cryptids, and calling me "EelKat" and "EelKat Etiole's Friend" in a massive slander attempt, to try to cover up that she drove this backhoe over my house, murdered my son, and paralized me. The FBI says they believe, she is trying to come up with stuff so crazy, so insane, so ludacrise, and do so while acting out as me.... to try to make me seem crazy so that no one will believe my son was murdered, so tha no one will believe I am crippled, so that no one will believe she drove a backhoe over my house. If you know who drove this backhoe over my house at 146 Portland Ave, Old Orchard Beach, Maine 04064-1520 on August 8, 2013 please give the information of who it is to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office. The FBI, says it is PIVITAL to her scheme, that people believe I am not in a wheelchair and not crippled, and that that is why she's been impersonating me, not only online, but offline, locally, in Biddeford and Old Orchard Beach... but the FBI says, she's made errors, because she did not know I was born legally blind 20/300 vision, and she does not wear glasses; the FBI said she also was unaware of my religion, so has been wearing pants and did not know I only wear dresses; they said she did not know I was mute since age 4 after my uncle Bruce beat me in the face with a cinder block and broke my jaw... I was mute from 1979 until July 24, 2016 when I had surgey to fix my jaw... however, I can not talk above a whisper, I can not scream, I can not yell, and when you are right beside me, I can not raise my voice high enough for most people to hear me, which is a side effect of my vocal chords not being used for over forty years... and yet the woman impoersonating has been going to local stores and talking to people TALKING to people... also, I'm in a wheelchair, and the woman impersonating me is not, she can walk. ....but the FBI, said this is a huge show that she's been doing, to try to convince locals of several things: that I am not blind, not mute, and not in a wheelchair... ...but I don't know why. That makes no sence to me. WHY does she need to convince locals in my town and on my street, that I am not blind, not mute, and not in a wheelchair? All I know is, apparently, my regaining the ability to walk on even this minor level, and now dailing going around the block pushing my wheelchair while trying to regain nerve use, has caused a panic in the impersonator, because all her last ten years of pretending to be me, has now shattered around her, because, there are now people.... ...people come up to me on the street and say: "OMG! It's you! Wait! I was talking to you last week, and... she's not you. OMG! How did I think she was you! It's been so long! I haven't seen you in over a decade! I forgot what you looked like. She said she was you! I thought she was you. But she wasn't wearing glasses, she wasn't wearing a hyjib, she was wearing pants, she's not blind, she can talk... how did I forget you were blind? How did i forget you wear religious modesty? How did I forget your were mute? How did I forget you were in a wheelchair? Why did I think she was you?" ...it's happening almost daily now... well over a hundred locals, JUST ONE ONE STREET: Main Street Biddeford, have said this to me now, in the past three years. This woman impersonatly me, is VERY local, and she's been physically interacting with people I knew offline, for a decade now, while pretending to be me and somehow convinced them she was me, inspite of her not being blind, her not being mute, her not wearing modesty dresses and head coverings, and her not being in a wheelchair... ...also, she's aparently very tall. People keep saying that as well: "OMG! I forgot how tiny you were! My kid is taller then you! Wait,, I had to look up and creene my neck for that other woman. How did I mistake her for you?" AND... there one more thing... ...it's possible the woman impersonating me, IS A MAN.... a biological cis-man. ...because a LOT of people are saying too: "I thought you was a man in a dress. Weren't you transgender? You're not transgender. I can see you are a natural born woman. How did I think you were a man?" No. I'm not transgender. Yes, I am a natural born cis-female. No, I don't know how you mistook me for a man either, my real breatss, at 48 GGG are bigger then Dolly Parton's fake breats. Kind of hard to be a man with boobs as big as mine. The FBI agents in charge of my son's murder investigation, believe the impersonator is TTRYING to convince people I am a "man in a dress" or "transgender" SPECIFICALLY so they can say: "There was no baby, men can't have babies, see, I didn't murder no baby because she's not a real woman." The FBI says, convincing people I am a cis-male, not blind, not mute, not in a wheelchair, and being a crazy ufo nut, are all pivotal, to their attempt to erase the existance of my son's murder. The FBI believes that my son's murfderer thinks that if they convince enough people I am a transgender person, that it will somehow "prove" they did no murder my son. I don't get it, but whatever. If you encounter anyone claiming to be me, please give the information of when, where/location to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office. Additionally, the impersonator seems to be an American, and was unaware that I was Scottish and can not speak or write American English. People telling me: "How did I mistake her for youy, she's nothing like you, why did I forget this was you?"... are also quick to say: "OMG! I forgot your sound like Apilation Mountain Folk when you talk!" or "I forgot you talk like a Southern Black person!" ...I'm afraid I have no clue what either Appilation Mountain Folk or Southern Black people sound like as I have never meet either. What I sound like is Scottish, because I am Scottish. If I sound like Appilation Mountain Folk or Sourthern Black people, then perhaps, it is NOT that I sound like them, but rather perhaps it is that they sound Scottish? People are always taken by surprise by my accent, my verbology, and my spoken grammar.... they are always quick to say I speak "badly broken English", and are always quick to say: "That's Scottish? But I thought Scottish was this..." they them mimic Irish. No. Irish sounds VASTLY differant from Scottish. Yes, the accent actors use in movies, that they CALL "Scottish" is ACTUALLY the Irish accent, and so, NO, the "Scotish accent" in movies is NOT what we Scotts actually sound like. But, apparently the impersonator was 100% clueless to the fact that I am Scottish and knew so little about me, that they did not know that in addition to the near muteness caused by my jaw injury, I ALSO, had a hick Scottish accent and ZERO knowledge of American phrasology at all, so when I can get words out, they do NOT sound anything even remotly American.... and the impersonator has been speak full blown American, full of street slang, pop culture referances... and "talks about Stephen King constantly". People are quick to point out my writing is full of spelling errors. Yes, it probably is, but I have no way of knowing which words might be spelt wrong as American English is not my first language... heck, it's not any language of mine at all. I do not know American English. I do not know American street slang. I do not know American pop culture referances. I do not know American TV shows. I do not know American movies. I do not know American authors. I do not know American foods. I know nothing about American culture at all. That's why the rumors connecting me to stephen King are bizarre... because before the FBI told me people who connecting me to Stephen King, I had never heard of Stephen King at all. I had no clue who he was. I've never read a Stephen King book. I've never seen a Stephen King movie. My understanding is he writes Horror? But I do not read or watch the Horror genre at all, so I don't even know non-American Horror writers or non-American Horror movies either. I can not speak American English. I can not read American English. I can not write American English. I have no clue if there are spelling errors on my website here or not, because I am attempting to write American English, but I am doing so by sound, and I know most American words are spelt differant then how they are sounded out. I speak Scottish Language. I read Scotish books. I write my books in Scottish. My characters are Scottish and speak the exact same language I do. My native language is called Shetlian and it looks like this:
Any websites and accounts you find online that are NOT on this list are NOT Wendy Christine Allen Also in recent weeks (November 2025 and December 2025), multiple people have contacted me asking variations of the question: "What ever happened to the bullying awareness website you run, I can't find it anywhere?" Uhm...???... the what? This website that you are reading right now is the ONLY website I've ever had. I have NEVER had another website, bullying awareness or otherwise. So, I have no clue what is this "bullying awareness" website is that you think I run, but, whatever it is, it ain't me. I don't know if people are mixing me up with someone else, or if someone has made some sort of site and are pretending to be me, but, this site you are on right now, eelkat.com, was started in 1996 and it is the only website I've ever had. It has always been an author homepage, it as always been the archive for my short stories and novels, and it has never been anything else. It has been hosted on GeoCities, Angel Fire, TriPod, FreeWebs, and WordPress and other hosts over the decades, and originally it was: geocities.com/TheSpaceDock13Network later AngelFire.com/TheSpaceDock13Network and TriPod.com/TheSpaceDock13Network and FreeWebs.com/TheSpaceDock13Network No matter what service hosted it is was ALWAYS TheSpaceDock13Network In 2013 I bought the url eelkat.com (it was shorter and easier for people to remember then TheSpaceDock13Network.com) and it has had the eelkat.com url ever since. SpaceDock13 is the name of the lighthouse the main character of my novels lives in. The site was called SpaceDock13 because it housed the stories about said main character. In fact, the site is STILL called Space Dock 13, that has never changed. So, I don't know what this "bullying awareness" website it is that several people are looking for and thought was run by me, but, it wasn't my site and I don't know what it was. I am Wendy Christine Allen, Old Orchard Beach, Maine's Dark Fantasy author: 138 novels, 423 novellas, 500+ poems, 2k+ drabbles, & 3k+ short stories published since 1978. 💗 50th anniversary of 1st book is in 2028! I use the url eelkat.com because at the time I bought the domain (September 2013) it was the shortest name of any characters in my book series, that had a url available. "eelkat" is only 6 letters long, and finding a .com url for sale that is under 15 letters long is nearly impossible anymore. And while wendychristineallendarkfantasyauthor or something similar is probably a better url in terms of "SEO keyword accuracy" it is also 40 letter long. Could you imagine me having to put a 40 letter url on my business cards? Especially when a 6 letter url that is the name of one of the series primary characters was available instead? And so, that is why my website is eelkat.com as opposed to my name. Because people asking if EelKat is my name and why EelKat is the name of my website if it is not my name, is the single most asked question I get, I'm just going to answer here at the top of the homepage for you all, so you don't have to ask it any more. This site was started in 1996 as a GeoCities site, and moved to several freehosts between 1996 and 2013, before becoming a self hosted site in 2013, and 2013 was when I had to look for a url to host it on, and 6 letter "eelkat" was available, so I bought it. And for some odd and inexplicable reason, that has since led people to believe my name was "eelkat" but I have no clue why. Looking to find out more about my son's murder, that information is on these pages:
There seems to be this weird "fanfiction version" of me that gets spread around online, and I don't know the source of it, but it's really weird. They pretend to be me, while calling themselves alien abducttes, making wild claims about aliens, ufos, cryptids, haunted cars, and Stephen King. And yet, none of that is anything I do or believe, so I don't know where it comes from, who started it, or who keeps it going. And apparently it's been going on for well over a decade, but I only just found out about it in fall of 2021. I found out about it because local people are stopping me while walking my dog, to ask me about it. And they ask me weird shit like:
Uhm, what? I was never abducted by aliens, what the fuck are you talking about?
Uhm...what? My car isn't haunted, what the fuck are you talking about? For several years now, i've had an onslaught of Stephen King fans showing up in my yard in mass hordes, at one point two tour buses from Vermote, showed up in my yard, unloaded 72 people of EACH bus and starting walking around my yard talking about Stephen King movie filming history and I had to have the police chase the fucking jackass treespassers out of my yard! And I've always been confused and baffled by what the fuck, why are Stephen King fans showing up in my yard, also who the fuck is Stephen King, I'd never heard of him until it's idiot fans started flocking to my yard.... but in 2023, I found out, there is a Spotify Podcast from New York, that is a pair of slanderous jackasses who are supposedly ghost hunters and for nearly a decade have been making wild slanderous claims about me, my family, my car, aliens, ufos, crystids, and a whole of other insane bat crazy shit, and aparenltly THAT is where the Stephen King fans are getting this crazy assed ideas! Well, this is how I found out someone has been impersonating me online, mostly on Reddit and on faceBook but other places as well. And it's not one account... it's HUNDREDS of acounts. I have a dog walking youube & tiktok where I just walk my dog around the block and talk about whatever is stressing me out.
Neither my YouTube nor my TikTok are monetized. So I don't make a penny from either. One day, it was thunderstorming and I couldn't go outside, so I'm sitting at my weaving loom and embroidery hoop set up and talking instead. Suddenly I'm getting tons of comments that are like "toxic accusations" of "why the f aren't you making videos about weaving looms/embroidery? I didn't know you did that, why did you never tell us, why are you holding out on us, i thought i knew everything about you, we deserve to see everything you do, blah, blah, blah" There was this huge entitlement vibe, like I was supposed to put everything I do 24/7 on TikTok just for them. It gave off so much parasocial entitlement vibes, all icky and stalker creepy. I'm like, dude, I make a 2 minute video daily, of my dog, and that's it, there's a shit tonne load of stuff about me you don't know, I do weaving, costume sewing, embroidery, dollhouse making, crossstitch, cloth doll making, scrapbooking, art journaling, artist trading cards... NONE of it is online. I can have hobbies without making videos. Why does having hobbies without making videos about them seem like such a foreign concept to so many people? But aparently, BECAUSE there is someone(multiple somes?) going around online pretending to be me, a lot of people who THOUGHT they "knew" me and who I was are now finding out that I'm not anything even remotly like what they thought, because everything the impersonater has been doing and saying is all stuff I don't do or believe in at all! There is actual very little REAL or ACCURATE information about me online, as ALMOST NOTHING of my life, my beliefs, or my habits and hobbies has EVER been put online at all. The fact remains, if you are finding information about me and it is NOT from one of these links here, there's a near 100% chance the information is a lie started by my son's murderer. Looking to find out more about my son's murder, that information is on these pages: THESE are my REAL accounts... any others you find are NOT me:
Happy 2026! It is our 30th anniversary here at Space Dock 13! On the web since 1996! You have encountered an extremely old website that continues to exist in old web ways, the same way it has done for now three decades. In spite of being now 30 years old this year, started in 1996, it is still heavily active and old pages updated daily, new pages added daily, still now in 2026. All hand written, all hand coded (no AI), all by me, same as it ever was. We Still Exist: The Old Web Did Not Go Away, You Just Forgot How To Find Us
Wasn't This Page Different Yesterday?Answering another question: "Wasn't this page different yesterday?" Yep. Probably. I update pages daily. Move pages constantly. Re-write codes every few weeks. Publish 1 to 3 or sometimes as many as 10 new pages every day. And post daily updates on various pages. The front landing page (this one you are reading now) often changes daily. It'll feature different articles every day. The reason this front home page changes daily is because every day I write a new article and type it directly into this front page. It takes a day or two to type up the code for making the stand alone page for the article, but once the stand alone page is coded, the article text is moved off the front page to its own dedicated article page/url. The first draft of an article shows up here on the front home page, the day it's written, then 2 or 3 days later gets moved to it's own page with it's own url. Meaning, anything you saw on the homepage here, is still on this website somewhere, it was just moved to it's own dedicated page. Nothing is ever deleted off of this site, nothing has been deleted off this site since 1996, nearly thirty years ago, thus why there are well over ten thousand pages here. (as of 2026 there are now over twenty thousand pages on this website). I use bot blockers, so MOST of the pages can not be found via Google or Bing searches, and can only be accessed by clicking from a link directly on this website. I started doing this in 2015 after a hacker used my site to tack "pop over clones" of my pages, but with their edits, making it appear that my articles said something completly different then what was actually said. They did this to "insert" the names of several people in Old Orchard Beach, whom I had never heard of before, to make it look like my articles were talking about those specific names. My real website is www . e e l k a t .com The fake clone pages were being hosted on variations of that including: 3 3 l k a t .com r e a l e e l k a t .com e e e l k a t .com e e l l k a t .com e l l k a a t .com ...and well over a dozen other variations. None of those articles were me and the hacker was identified as Joel B. and did go to prison for his actions. Frame busting codes were added to my site, after his hacking attack, as prior to his attack, I was unaware it was possible to cause fake frames to load over a real website, making fake clone articles load over the original real articles. This site is VERY active. If you don't come back daily, you'll definitely miss out on something. If you encounter a page which asks for a password, no, you can not request access. There are over 2k pages of this website set to password access, due to the ongoing FBI investigation into my son's murder. If you are a police officer authorized access these pages but do not have the passwords, let me know, I will deliver the passwords to the specific pages you are allowed to access, to you via the Portland FBI office and you can pick them up from the FBI agent in charge of the murder investigation. Pages where you can find out more information on that: People always ask why I have a video recorder running 24/7. Watch these 4 videos of The Scarborough Walmart.People always ask why I have a video recorder running 24/7. Watch these 4 videos of The Scarborough Walmart. I have a video recorder running 24/7. Because this parking lot is where I was attacked a second time by the woman who crippled me with the golf club at Southern Maine Community College in 2013 (who also murdered my 8-month-old son at the same time) this is the location of her 2nd attack, the July 2016 attack with a shopping cart, the attack that left me in a wheelchair and despite over 200 "security cameras" and signs saying there are cameras in use... the police did not find even ONE actual REAL camera. Every "security camera" on this building and parking lot was ALL fake "dummy cameras" and that is why there is no video footage of my son's murderer. I started carrying a camera 24/7 the very next day after Scarborough police informed me they could not identify the blonde woman who attacked me or her gold Volvo 240GL station wagon, because EVERY CAMERA at this store's parking lot was an empty case with no real camera inside it. My son would be 12 years old this Christmas 2025, and his murderer walks free, still unidentified because this parking lot did not have real cameras. Those things that look like cameras on the building and light poles, are fake, according to the Scarborough Police Department. That is why I have a camera running 24/7, because my son's killer walks free because there was no camera the day we were attacked. updated september 15, 2026 sigh... anyone know who this is? it just happened...As you know I am relearning to walk, after 14 years bedridden with a broken spine... and this requires me to go in and out of the driveway and walk around the bllock pushing my wheelchair instead of risding in it, 4 to 5 times every day, to try to regain nerve and muscle strength in my legs, spine, and arms... and I would like to be able to do that without harassers yelling at me every single time I do! So, just now, 8pm September 15, 2026, as I was going in my driveway, a woman hangs out the 3rd floor window of our building on Main St, and yells out: "Watch out EelKat's coming!" I don't know who she is or who she was yelling to, but I have this to say: My name is Wendy Christine Allen, and there is almost nothing I HATE more on this planet then being called EelKat. EelKat is not my name. And ONLY mean, cruel, evil, hateful bullies call me that. If you are calling me EelKat, you immediately identify yourself as a mean, cruel, evil, hate filled person. Kindness is a thing, if you are calling me EelKat, you certainly do not possess any level of kindness and are certainly not a good person. And throughout my childhood EelKat was used by my Uncle Bruce as a hate slur. To deliberatly call a person a name that is not theirs, is a thing that only rude, disrespectful bullies do. If someone told you my name was "EelKat" you might want to considering taking a good long look at that person and their motive for lying to you about me. The fact remains Empress EelKat, also known as Miss Citten the Eel Kat, is a fictional talking talking black cat from Planet Ptarmagin, the moon of Planet Diona, and she lives on Planet Vesonta to study the last known Elf; Elf in question is Quaraun the Insane also known as The Pink Necromancer. EelKat is the narrator of the novel, and Quaraun is the main character. I am the AUTHOR of said novel, and my name is Wendy Christine Allen. My name is not EelKat. I do not like being called EelKat. My Uncle Bruce called me EelKat, because he said I was a demon and did not deserve to be called by a Human name. He also believed my car was haunted and that god was flying in on mothership HaleBop to take him to planet Kolob. If you call me EelKat, I going to assume you are a friend of my uncle Bruce, and like him are a rude, disrespectful bully, who also calls me EelKat because, you, like him, are an abuser who thinks abusing women and children is funny. And if your friends with my uncle Bruce, you're likely a cryptid hunting, UFO gibbering conspiracy theorist just like him... and the thing I hate MORE then being called EelKat, is people who believe in ghosts, aliens, demons, or UFOs then try to force their beliefs onto me or my car. If you are not one of my uncle Bruce's fellow UFO believing nut job conspiracy theorists and you are calling me EelKat, I'm then going to assume you are too fantasy prone to know that fictional characters are FICTIONAL, and that authors are NOT their characters and your inability to tell the difference between a fictional character and the author who wrote that fictional character, is deeply concerning, and I highly recommend you see a psychiatrist to find out WHY you are so incapable of telling the difference between real people and fictional characters, to such an extreme that you address an author, by names of their characters. If you can not tell the differance between fictional characters and real people, I am also going to add that I do not fell safe around you. Do you walk up to JKRowlings and yell "Watch out Harry Potter's coming!" Do you have any idea how ridiculous you sound calling an author by the name of one of their characters? I hate bullies. I don't like being bullied. And if you are calling me EelKat, then yes, you ARE a bully. I have a name. And it's not EelKat. Using someone's name is one of the most basic things you can do. And refusing to use someone's name, is nothing short of disrespect. Can you explain to me, why you hate me so much that you refuse to use my name? Can you explain to me, why you hate me so much, that you sling hate slurs at me? Also, who are you? You are not a person I know. I've never seen you before. Whoare you and who told you to sling hate slurs at me? Who told you o call me EelKat? Tip: maybe try being a good person. Or is that too much to ask? Kindness is a thing, or did no one ever teach you that? Is kindness and respect a lost art? It certainly is on Cutts street, Main Street, and South Street, Biddeford, Maine, that's for sure. Here's another question: Are you connected to the blond woman, who broke my spine with a golf club, November 14, 2013? Because she was yelling that too: "There's EelKat!" she was yelling. Who is the woman on the 3rd floor who just hanging out the window yelling: "Watch out EelKat's coming!"... and should I report her to the FBI agent in charge of my son's murder investigatuion, on account od she's yelling the same thing my son's murderer was yelling? There is no reason for anyone to call me EelKat. And there is no reason for me to think that ANYONE who calls me EelKat is NOT connected to my son's murderer. THIS: is EelKat, and as you can see, she is not me:
Health update: August 4, 2026 - in recovery for 6 months+ (at least until mid-January 2027) see video below for why...
Update: July 7, 2026: The First of the Visual Novels Is Now Available on Itch.io!I am an author. I write Shifter Romantsy also known as Dark Fantasy with Romance Invloving ShapeShifters. This is my website. Yaoi means my main characters are gay lovers. If that bothers you, you're on the wrong website. Sorry. Since I have gotten a lot of questions asking "Is there a sample story I can read to see what the series is like before buying the paperbacks?" Yes, yes there is. In fact, almost all of the short stories are available free to read right here on Space Dock 13 (eelkat.com) If you want to read only one, and want the one that best represents the entire series as a whole, one that shows you the 3 main characters' personalities best, shows how transgender characters are presented, shows how MPreg is presented, shows the children and family life dynamics, shows you how sweet romance and fluff are handled, shows how the Fae King deals with problems in his court, shows how the family interacts with their servants and handmaids, shows the setting including the zombies, and shows the overall tone and genre of the series…Pink Sheep, Cheesy Burritos, and The Grim Reality of Zombies is the single best, one stop, story that gives you a taste of pretty much everything all in a single story… this here is the story you want to read, if you are not sure whether or not you want to read the rest of the series and just want one story that'll give you enough info about the series to help you decide if it's the sort of thing you will like or not... it's free to read, 4,987 words, and it'll take you 30 minutes to an hour to read depending on your personal reading speed: You have reached the homepage of the long running series "The Adventures of Quaraun the Insane" (Also known as The Pink Necromancer series and The Twighlight Manor series)... if you do not know the series, here's what it is about: Main character Quaraun the Insane, also known as The Pink Necromancer, with his Black Tower Lighthouse, on Noodle Beach... Quaraun is literally Rapunzel. The series is a retelling of the Rapunzel fairy tale, told from the point of view of Rapunzel, after she, an enslaved Elf Princess, forced to breed rape babies for the infertile, evil Elf Queen, escaped the tower with her blind Faerie prince husband, then became a necromancer after the death of her blind Faerie prince, to resurrect him as a Lich King. Rapunzel changed her name to Quaraun, became transgender, now living as a man instead of a woman, and became a serial killer to kill all rapists and child abusers on the planet, starting with the evil Elf Queen and the stolen children Rapunzel had given birth to that the Queen pretended were hers; eventually resurrecting 21 billion undead zombies, then becoming a Zombie himself, now leading a zombie horde across the planet Earth in the year 399,999 killing all Humans.The Adventures of Quaraun the Insane: Main character: Quaraun the Insane, himself...formerly known as Rapunzel... once upon a time, he was born an Elf princess, the youngest female of the family, with a deranged King's brother for a father, who murdered his mother and then married one of his own daughters, who became the evil Elf Queen... but she was infertile, and so she locked, the fertile Rapunzel in a tower and daily sent male Elves to rape her. As the years went by Rapunzel gave birth to multiple sets of twins, while growing out her hair, planning her escape... ..meanwhile the evil infertile Elf Queen, stole Rapunzel's babies, and claimed they were her own, and she raised them to be vile, evil, and hateful, teaching them to hate Rapunzel, and teaching them to bully Rapunzel, teaching them to torture Rapunzel, and teaching them to sing horrible evil songs calling Rapunzel's lover a vile evil person. ...and upon her first escape, Rapunzel meet a Faerie King, and fell in love with him, but the evil Elf Queen found out and locked Rapunzel back in the black tower devoid of light and blinded the Faerie King.... but he soon died from his injuries becoming septic. Enraged Rapunzel cut out the hearts of the four children she had given birth too, the four children stolen from her and paraded around the kingdom as the children of the Elf queen, and then Rapunzel cut out the heart of the Elf Queen, and poisoned food of the Elf kingdom, killing off every last Moon Elf... Rapunzel, then changed her name to Quaraun, (A name which means: "Holy judgment from the right hand of god"), cast aside female pronouns, and resurrected his beloved blind Faerie King as a Lich. Thus began The Adventures of The Pink Necromancer, Quaraun the Insane.
In case you didn't know, Quaraun is a zombie, as is BoomFuzzy, and Ghoulspawn is too, he just hasn't come to terms with it yet, my series is a zombie apocalypse told from the point of views of the zombies... these are LITERAL UNDEAD MONSTERS, a hoard of intelligent thinking zombies that are able to pass themselves off as the living, so they can "Something Wicked This way Comes" style set up a seemingly innocent carnival in a village of the living, and them eat all the people that were stupid enough to enter the market... it's a travelling merchant and food truck chef, leading a massive horde of twenty-one billion zombies across the planet, systematically hunting down the living, because they eat brains, and all these guys have on their minds is where's the next group of brains we can harvest... literal Goblin Market logic here, NO ONE IS SELLING to customers, because the merchants are zombies eating the customers. My characters are blood thirsty zombies with one thing on their minds: Brains! Brains, brains, brains, brains, BRAINS!
Eating brains. Cooking brains. Picking brains. Creating new recipes for brains stew. And leaving nothing to waste, BoomFuzzy grinds Human bones into flour, literal bone meal flour, for making his gingerbread, his magical gingerbread that he uses to lure Humans into The UnSeelie Court, so the UnDead Evil faeries can feast on Humans brains. I write VILLAIN POINT OF VIEW, we are seeing the zombie apocalypse told from the point of view of the zombies. I'm not writing stupid, quirky wimps antiheroes to keep a sensitive snowflake young adult from having to actually feel emotions. I hate the stupid ass pandering to never hurting a readers feelings bullshit that wimpy current era writers do. I've been writing this series since the 1970s and I ain't gonna dumb it down because, some child who shouldn't bee reading it to begin with might get upset that my characters are too evil. These are apex predators. The same way a lion does not feel guilty about eating a gazelle, Quaraun does not feel guilty about harvesting brains. BoomFuzzy isn't secretly hoping humans will understand him. GhoulSpawn isn't waiting for a redemption arc. They're predators. Humans are livestock. The stories are simply told from the livestock farmer's point of view instead of the cow's. Answering the question:
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My house at 146 Portland Ave, Old Orchard Beach, Maine, July 4, 2013, photo taken because we had just finished building a baby room on the back. vs My house August 8, 2013, when the same group of people (yes group, the golf club woman was not alone when she attacked November 14, 2013, nor was she alone with her second attack July 2016.) who murdered my son and crippled me, arrived the first time with a backhoe that they used to drive over my house, during a time of day that I normally was home asleep... I had to work a different shift at the Waffle Cone Pizza Food Truck at George's Parking Lot by Bill's Pizza at the OBB Peir, that day, otherwise, I too would be at the bottom of a landfill, along with my house and everything I owned that was also in the house. I was 5 months pregnant at the time and have been homeless for just under 14 years, homeless ever since. |
The backhoe driver returned November 14, 2013, armed with a golf club, used it to break my spine and smash my baby's brains out on the ground
On November 14, 2013, my son was murdered. I was 8 months pregnant, leaving my college classroom, and just getting into my car, when 3 strangers, a man and two women, armed with golf clubs leapt out from behind my car screaming "kill or be killed, kill the transvestite freaks, kill them all before they kill us! look at that thing! That is Ken's son, look at how it's dressed! kill the transvestite freaks! kill or be killed"... while the bald man and the red haired woman chanted this over and over, the blonde woman, lunged with the golf club.
She severed my spine, I am now a quadriplegic, and been paralyzed arms and legs, and in a wheelchair for 13 years now. She broke my hips, my knees, my legs, ruptured most of my discs, and shattered three of my vertebrae so bad that the shards of bone acted like glass and embedded themselves into my spinal column nerve bundle.
The attack also triggered labour.
My son was born in that parking lot, and he lived only a couple of minutes, before the deranged blonde woman, beat his head in and smashed his brains out, with the same golfclub she had just used to sever my spine and leave me crippled for the rest of my life.
Realizing that I was not transgender, and they'd just murdered a baby, the man grabbed the 2 women and forcibly dragged them away to a 4 door white pickup truck, and they left me there to die.
The FBI told me later, that a few weeks before this attack, and transwoman, had murdered a cis woman, in a parking lot, abou 20 miles away from where I was attacked. The FBI, believes that my attackers, had somehow found out I wrote transgender fiction, connecting my real name to my penname, (my father's name is in fact "Ken", and I do have a brother) and believed that I wrote transgender fiction, because I was myself transgender, even though I'm not transgender. The FBI, believes the attackers, thought I was my brother, pretending to be a woman.
The FBI investigation, into my son's murder, has dragged on for 13 years, and still now in 2026, continues on, with the FBI, still not having yet identified my attackers, and only guessing at what their motive was.
Thus we come to 2014, and the full swing change of the series I write. WHY my series, went from just a transman main character living life, to the full blown Mpreg genre series that it now is today.
Before the attack, I had a chance of having a baby. I don't know. And because I'm in America, I'm too old to adopt. You have to be under 45 years old to adopt a baby. That is the law in America. I was informed this, when we tried to adopt, now that my injuries leave me unable to get pregnant a 9th time.
Thus began my obsessively writing, my transman main character, pregnant. Always pregnant now. Every time. Every story. Stories that now fully focus on pregnancy, labour, miscarriages, babies dying, babies living, raising babies... the whole series, since 2014 has devolved into an outright baby obsession.
Meanwhile, reborn baby dolls were suggested to me by my therapist, and have also become a deeply obsessive part of my life. Because 13 years ago my son was murdered minutes after he was born, because a transphobic bigot mistook me for being transgender, I'm STILL in a wheelchair, struggling to relearn to use my arms and legs, now 13 years later, and I'm still DAILY dealing with police officers and FBI agents who while they are trying to find my son's killer, they are also daily reminding me... oh, yeah, my son was murdered, literally ripped out of my belly, by a transphobe. Who still has not been located and walks free to kill again.
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The golfclub woman as she looked during the golf club attack at Southern Maine community college November 14, 2013. She is about 20 to 30 years older then me and would be around 75 to 85 years old now in 2026. If you have any information about the identity of this child murderer, please call FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 |
The golfclub woman as she looked during the shopping cart attack at Scarborough WalMart July 26, 2016. She is about 20 to 30 years older then me and would be around 75 to 85 years old now in 2026. If you have any information about the identity of this child murderer, please call FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 |
The 2nd woman as she looked at both attacks, her hair goes all the way down to her knees. She is about 20 to 30 years older then me and would be around 75 to 85 years old now in 2026.  If you have any information about the identity of this child murderer's accomplice, please call FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 |
Do you know who these two woman who crippled me and murdered my baby, at Southern Maine Community College at 10PM on November 14, 2013, are, and what their connection to the backhoe that drove over my house is? If you have any information, please give it to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office.
I am a legally blind quadriplegic, and low verbal, I have also published 138 novels in the last 48 years. It's not as impossible as people think. The problem being blind and quadriplegic, medically have different meanings then how those two words are used medically.
Fewer than 3% of all blind people see nothing. While 97% people who are classified as fully blind are able to see up to two feet in front of them. Legally blind means I can see more then two feet in front of me but not far enough to see twenty feet in front of me. In my case I can see about eight feet.
Quadriplegic, has varying levels, it means having a damaged nerve bundle in the spinal column causing limited mobility of all 4 limbs, (in my case this was done by a women wielding a golf club, who also beat my 8 month infant's head to pulp on the parking lot tarmak, at the same time she severed my spine with the same golf club; both on November 14, 2013; the FBI investigation into my son's murder and my being crippled has gone on now for 13 years, a few weeks away from 14 years now, and the FBI has still not identified the killer or her motive). Contrary to popular misconception, quadriplegic does NOT mean ZERO movement, it means means limited movement, specifically in means unable to lift arms over head, unable to grip fingers around objects to pick them up, and unable to stand for more then 5 minutes to a time. Because there are so many thousands of nerves in each limb it is actually very rare for there to be 100% no movement, but how much, and to what extent varies by patent depending upon the specific point of injury to the spinal column.
Meaning typing is still possible for over 60% of all quadriplegics.
In my case, it was the lower spine that was severed, cutting off completly my ability to move my right leg, leaving limited feeling in my left leg, and an ability to stand but not walk, with crutches, for the first 9 years. I regained enough nerve growth in my legs by the 9th year to be able to take ten or twelve steps allowing me to get out of bed for the first time since the golf club attack; This in turn lead to me being able to start using a wheelchair, as I was able to sit upright for the first time as well.
Because the shattered vertebrae bone fragments are broken off completly and embedded into the nerve bundle just above my tailbone, doctors were saying I would never walk again, but now at 13 years, I am able to push mu wheelchair like a walker, a distance of almost a thousand steps a day. Though doctors are still doubtful I will ever walk "normally" again, I have proven them wrong, when their said 13 years ago, that I would never walk again at all.
But because of the placement of the damage to my spine, regaining hand use, was always thought possible, it was just a matter of waiting long enough for nerve regrowth, along side daily finger exercises. I was able to continue writing, after becoming quadriplegic, because I still have use of my right thumb, and 2 fore figures of my right hand. And can type 90 words per minute with those 3 fingers.
I however have no wrist strength, elbow strength, or shoulder strength, so I am not able to form a fist, or lift objects, or brush my hair, or my teeth, all thing I have to have my caretaker do. But, those things are not needed for typing. Unfortunately, my pinky and ring fingers are "nerve dead" and drag over the keyboard, and cause horrific spelling errors and typos, which are incredibly frustrating to deal with.
Unfortunately trying to edit errors myself, just makes the errors worse, because those same two fingers drag over the keyboard yet again. Prior to the golf club attack, I rarely had spelling errors; now I got more spelling errors then someone is learning English as second language. Editing is a challenge, that I've had to accept, I simply can not do myself, and I have to hire several editors to help with that.
Low verbal means sounds can still be made, sounds that software programs like Dragon can be trained to recognize and translate, and type into full words. More then half my novels were typed with this method.
I still have a long ways to go before I am anything close to being able to do the things I could do before the golf club woman beat my baby's brains out and shattered my spine. And you know what's more frustrating then how slow mu medical progression has been? The fact that it's been 13 years and the police and FBI are still coming up at dead ends as to who the woman who murdered my baby was, or why she even did it.
My son's 14th birthday is only a few weeks away, but he didn't even get to live long enough to celebrate his 1st birthday, I don't even know why. And I can't wait to regain my ability to walk again, because regaining my ability to walk, means gaining the ability to go outside and start looking for my son's murderer myself instead of sitting at home trapped in a wheelchair waiting for the police and FBI to to find her. So, writing isn't a big priority for me anymore. I only write now, as a way to exercise my hands, in between relearning to walk.
Never let a disability stop you. Plenty of writers, artists, athletes, do not let either blindness, speech impediments, or limited mobility hold then back from perusing their careers.
Do you know who these two woman who crippled me and murdered my baby, at Southern Maine Community College at 10PM on November 14, 2013, are, and what their connection to the backhoe that drove over my house is? If you have any information, please give it to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office.
On August 8, 2013, 14 years ago, a crazed hater drove a backhoe over my house, they returned a few weeks later armed with golf clubs, broke my spine, while I was 8 months pregnant, triggered early labour, then beat my newborn son's head in with the same golf club they broke my spine with, the FBI investigation trying to find them (a man and 2 women) has been ongoing for now 14 years as of today and we still don't know who they were, what their motive was, or why they attacked.
If you have any information about my son’s murderer, please give it to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office.
Update August 8, 2026: today is the 14 year anniversary of the backhoe attack
Today is August 8, 2026, the 14 year anniversary of the backhoe driving over my house.
My house at 146 Portland Ave, Old Orchard Beach, Maine, July 4, 2013, photo taken because we had just finished building a baby room on the back. vs My house August 8, 2013, when the same group of people (yes group, the golf club woman was not alone when she attacked November 14, 2013, nor was she alone with her second attack July 2016.) who murdered my son on November 14, 2013 at Southern Maine Community College and crippled me July 26, 2016 at scarborough WalMart,... they arrived the first time with a backhoe on August 8, 2013, that they used to drive over my house, during a time of day that I normally was home asleep... I had to work a different shift at the Waffle Cone Pizza Food Truck at George's Parking Lot by Bill's Pizza at the OBB Peir, that day, otherwise, I too would be at the bottom of a landfill, along with my house and everything I owned that was also in the house. I was 5 months pregnant at the time and have been homeless for just under 14 years, homeless ever since....
... which means it is now only a few weeks from the 14th anniversary of my son's murder. I was 8 month pregnant November 14, 2013, and a student ay SMCC, and coming out of the Buglight Lighthouse art studio after art class, when a still unidentifiedwoman wielding a golf club attacked me, severed my spine, while I was 8 months pregnant, triggered early labour, then killed my son minutes after he was born.
While accusing me of being transgender, screaming "transvestite freak" and "look at that thing, that's Ken's son in a dress"... while I was 8 months pregnant.
Do you know who drove this backhoe over my house at 146 Portland Avenue, Old Orchard Beach, Maine on August 8, 2013? If you have any information, please give it to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office.
My house at 146 Portland Ave, Old Orchard Beach, Maine, July 4, 2013, photo taken because we had just finished building a baby room on the back. vs My house August 8, 2013, when the same group of people (yes group, the golf club woman was not alone when she attacked November 14, 2013, nor was she alone with her second attack July 2016.) who murdered my son and crippled me, arrived the first time with a backhoe that they used to drive over my house, during a time of day that I normally was home asleep... I had to work a different shift at the Waffle Cone Pizza Food Truck at George's Parking Lot by Bill's Pizza at the OBB Peir, that day, otherwise, I too would be at the bottom of a landfill, along with my house and everything I owned that was also in the house. I was 5 months pregnant at the time and have been homeless for just under 14 years, homeless ever since.Do you know who drove this backhoe over my house at 146 Portland Avenue, Old Orchard Beach, Maine on August 8, 2013? If you have any information, please give it to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office.
2nd photo, from same week: my 3,821 Fabio books all piled up in my dad's apartment (days after the backhoe attack) and waiting to be sorted onto a bookshelf (photo from 2013 shortly after the backhoe attack, when we were trying to find anything salvageable, and a few weeks before the attackers returned, broke my spine with a golf club and murdered my infant.)(location in photo here was at my dad's apartment 4 towns away, in Biddeford, as I no longer have a house because a lunatic drove a backhoe over it... what few of my belongings and pets to survive this attack went to my dad's apartment afterwards..). and as you can see many of them were badly damaged by the backhoe that drove over my house... and I had to rebuy the ones totally destroyed by the raving lunatic who drove a backhoe over me house... I was unfortunately unable to salvage the bulk of my 10k comic book Uncle Scrooge comics collection, and only around 2k of the Scrooge comic books survived the backhoe attack. almost nothing I owned survived the backhoe attack, these books were along the back wall over the brook and had been pushed into the brook, thus how they survived the backhoe attack.
Do you know who drove this backhoe over my house at 146 Portland Avenue, Old Orchard Beach, Maine on August 8, 2013? If you have any information, please give it to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office.
3,821 Fabio books all piled up and waiting to be sorted onto a bookshelf (photo from 2013 shortly after the backhoe attack, when we were trying to find anything salvageable, and a few weeks before the attackers returned, broke my spine with a golf club and murdered my infant.)(location in photo here was at my dad's apartment 4 towns away, as I no longer have a house because a lunatic drove a backhoe over it... what few of my belongings and pets to survive this attack went to my dad's apartment afterwards..). and as you can see many of them were badly damaged by the backhoe that drove over my house... and I had to rebuy the ones totally destroyed by the raving lunatic who drove a backhoe over me house... I was unfortunately unable to salvage the bulk of my 10k comic book Uncle Scrooge comics collection, and only around 2k of the Scrooge comic books survived the backhoe attack.3rd photo: Raphael, one of only 2 pets to survive the backhoe attack (photo from July 2026 at my dad's apartment where he temporarily lives until I can afford to rebuild my house - he is now over 22 years old... yes, the backhoe drove over and flattened to death my pets. Raphael, was one of only a two pets who survived the backhoe attack, the other was Rachel, his twin, - over a dozen of my birds and cats, and 72 pet fish were all crushed to death by the backhoe when it drove over my house... - yes the backhoe drove over and killed many pets, including my 3 parrots, everything in one of my fish tanks, 4 cats, and some hamsters, that were all at home at the time the backhoe drove over the house... my 22 year old Raphaël catfish survived this attack... I had him since 2007, and he survived his tank being driven over by a backhoe, by hiding in the mud.).
On August 8, 2013, 14 years ago, a crazed hater drove a backhoe over my house, they returned a few weeks later armed with golf clubs, broke my spine, while I was 8 months pregnant, triggered early labour, then beat my newborn son's head in with the same golf club they broke my spine with, the FBI investigation trying to find them (a man and 2 women) has been ongoing for now 14 years as of today and we still don't know who they were, what their motive was, or why they attacked.
If you have any information about my son’s murderer, please give it to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office.
Do you know who drove this backhoe over my house at 146 Portland Avenue, Old Orchard Beach, Maine on August 8, 2013? If you have any information, please give it to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office.
Raphael, was one of only a handful of pets who survived the backhoe attack - over a dozen of my birds and cats, and 72 pet fish were all crushed to death by the backhoe when it drove over my house... - yes the backhoe drove over and killed many pets, including my 3 parrots, everything in one of my fish tanks, 4 cats, and some hamsters, that were all at home at the time the backhoe drove over the house... my 22 year old Raphaël catfish survived this attack... I had him since 2007, and he survived his tank being driven over by a backhoe, by hiding in the mud.).On August 8, 2013, 14 years ago, a crazed hater drove a backhoe over my house, they returned a few weeks later armed with golf clubs, broke my spine, while I was 8 months pregnant, triggered early labour, then beat my newborn son's head in with the same golf club they broke my spine with, the FBI investigation trying to find them (a man and 2 women) has been ongoing for now 14 years as of today and we still don't know who they were, what their motive was, or why they attacked.
If you have any information about my son’s murderer, please give it to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office.
Do you know who drove this backhoe over my house at 146 Portland Avenue, Old Orchard Beach, Maine on August 8, 2013? If you have any information, please give it to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office.
My house at 146 Portland Ave, Old Orchard Beach, Maine, July 4, 2013, photo taken because we had just finished building a baby room on the back. vs My house August 8, 2013, when the same group of people (yes group, the golf club woman was not alone when she attacked November 14, 2013, nor was she alone with her second attack July 2016.) who murdered my son on November 14, 2013 at Southern Maine Community College and crippled me July 26, 2016 at scarborough WalMart,... they arrived the first time with a backhoe on August 8, 2013, that they used to drive over my house, during a time of day that I normally was home asleep... I had to work a different shift at the Waffle Cone Pizza Food Truck at George's Parking Lot by Bill's Pizza at the OBB Peir, that day, otherwise, I too would be at the bottom of a landfill, along with my house and everything I owned that was also in the house. I was 5 months pregnant at the time and have been homeless for just under 14 years, homeless ever since....
... which means it is now only a few weeks from the 14th anniversary of my son's murder. I was 8 month pregnant November 14, 2013, and a student ay SMCC, and coming out of the Buglight Lighthouse art studio after art class, when a still unidentifiedwoman wielding a golf club attacked me, severed my spine, while I was 8 months pregnant, triggered early labour, then killed my son minutes after he was born.
While accusing me of being transgender, screaming "transvestite freak" and "look at that thing, that's Ken's son in a dress"... while I was 8 months pregnant.
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My house at 146 Portland Ave, Old Orchard Beach, Maine, July 4, 2013, photo taken because we had just finished building a baby room on the back. vs My house August 8, 2013, when the same group of people (yes group, the golf club woman was not alone when she attacked November 14, 2013, nor was she alone with her second attack July 2016.) who murdered my son and crippled me, arrived the first time with a backhoe that they used to drive over my house, during a time of day that I normally was home asleep... I had to work a different shift at the Waffle Cone Pizza Food Truck at George's Parking Lot by Bill's Pizza at the OBB Peir, that day, otherwise, I too would be at the bottom of a landfill, along with my house and everything I owned that was also in the house. I was 5 months pregnant at the time and have been homeless for just under 14 years, homeless ever since. |
The backhoe driver returned November 14, 2013, armed with a golf club, used it to break my spine and smash my baby's brains out on the ground
On November 14, 2013, my son was murdered. I was 8 months pregnant, leaving my college classroom, and just getting into my car, when 3 strangers, a man and two women, armed with golf clubs leapt out from behind my car screaming "kill or be killed, kill the transvestite freaks, kill them all before they kill us! look at that thing! That is Ken's son, look at how it's dressed! kill the transvestite freaks! kill or be killed"... while the bald man and the red haired woman chanted this over and over, the blonde woman, lunged with the golf club.
She severed my spine, I am now a quadriplegic, and been paralyzed arms and legs, and in a wheelchair for 13 years now. She broke my hips, my knees, my legs, ruptured most of my discs, and shattered three of my vertebrae so bad that the shards of bone acted like glass and embedded themselves into my spinal column nerve bundle.
The attack also triggered labour.
My son was born in that parking lot, and he lived only a couple of minutes, before the deranged blonde woman, beat his head in and smashed his brains out, with the same golfclub she had just used to sever my spine and leave me crippled for the rest of my life.
Realizing that I was not transgender, and they'd just murdered a baby, the man grabbed the 2 women and forcibly dragged them away to a 4 door white pickup truck, and they left me there to die.
The FBI told me later, that a few weeks before this attack, and transwoman, had murdered a cis woman, in a parking lot, abou 20 miles away from where I was attacked. The FBI, believes that my attackers, had somehow found out I wrote transgender fiction, connecting my real name to my penname, (my father's name is in fact "Ken", and I do have a brother) and believed that I wrote transgender fiction, because I was myself transgender, even though I'm not transgender. The FBI, believes the attackers, thought I was my brother, pretending to be a woman.
The FBI investigation, into my son's murder, has dragged on for 13 years, and still now in 2026, continues on, with the FBI, still not having yet identified my attackers, and only guessing at what their motive was.
Thus we come to 2014, and the full swing change of the series I write. WHY my series, went from just a transman main character living life, to the full blown Mpreg genre series that it now is today.
Before the attack, I had a chance of having a baby. I don't know. And because I'm in America, I'm too old to adopt. You have to be under 45 years old to adopt a baby. That is the law in America. I was informed this, when we tried to adopt, now that my injuries leave me unable to get pregnant a 9th time.
Thus began my obsessively writing, my transman main character, pregnant. Always pregnant now. Every time. Every story. Stories that now fully focus on pregnancy, labour, miscarriages, babies dying, babies living, raising babies... the whole series, since 2014 has devolved into an outright baby obsession.
Meanwhile, reborn baby dolls were suggested to me by my therapist, and have also become a deeply obsessive part of my life. Because 13 years ago my son was murdered minutes after he was born, because a transphobic bigot mistook me for being transgender, I'm STILL in a wheelchair, struggling to relearn to use my arms and legs, now 13 years later, and I'm still DAILY dealing with police officers and FBI agents who while they are trying to find my son's killer, they are also daily reminding me... oh, yeah, my son was murdered, literally ripped out of my belly, by a transphobe. Who still has not been located and walks free to kill again.
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The golfclub woman as she looked during the golf club attack at Southern Maine community college November 14, 2013. She is about 20 to 30 years older then me and would be around 75 to 85 years old now in 2026. If you have any information about the identity of this child murderer, please call FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 |
The golfclub woman as she looked during the shopping cart attack at Scarborough WalMart July 26, 2016. She is about 20 to 30 years older then me and would be around 75 to 85 years old now in 2026. If you have any information about the identity of this child murderer, please call FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 |
The 2nd woman as she looked at both attacks, her hair goes all the way down to her knees. She is about 20 to 30 years older then me and would be around 75 to 85 years old now in 2026. If you have any information about the identity of this child murderer's accomplice, please call FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 |
Do you know who these two woman who crippled me and murdered my baby, at Southern Maine Community College at 10PM on November 14, 2013, are, and what their connection to the backhoe that drove over my house is? If you have any information, please give it to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office.
I am a legally blind quadriplegic, and low verbal, I have also published 138 novels in the last 48 years. It's not as impossible as people think. The problem being blind and quadriplegic, medically have different meanings then how those two words are used medically.
Fewer than 3% of all blind people see nothing. While 97% people who are classified as fully blind are able to see up to two feet in front of them. Legally blind means I can see more then two feet in front of me but not far enough to see twenty feet in front of me. In my case I can see about eight feet.
Quadriplegic, has varying levels, it means having a damaged nerve bundle in the spinal column causing limited mobility of all 4 limbs, (in my case this was done by a women wielding a golf club, who also beat my 8 month infant's head to pulp on the parking lot tarmak, at the same time she severed my spine with the same golf club; both on November 14, 2013; the FBI investigation into my son's murder and my being crippled has gone on now for 13 years, a few weeks away from 14 years now, and the FBI has still not identified the killer or her motive). Contrary to popular misconception, quadriplegic does NOT mean ZERO movement, it means means limited movement, specifically in means unable to lift arms over head, unable to grip fingers around objects to pick them up, and unable to stand for more then 5 minutes to a time. Because there are so many thousands of nerves in each limb it is actually very rare for there to be 100% no movement, but how much, and to what extent varies by patent depending upon the specific point of injury to the spinal column.
Meaning typing is still possible for over 60% of all quadriplegics.
In my case, it was the lower spine that was severed, cutting off completly my ability to move my right leg, leaving limited feeling in my left leg, and an ability to stand but not walk, with crutches, for the first 9 years. I regained enough nerve growth in my legs by the 9th year to be able to take ten or twelve steps allowing me to get out of bed for the first time since the golf club attack; This in turn lead to me being able to start using a wheelchair, as I was able to sit upright for the first time as well.
Because the shattered vertebrae bone fragments are broken off completly and embedded into the nerve bundle just above my tailbone, doctors were saying I would never walk again, but now at 13 years, I am able to push mu wheelchair like a walker, a distance of almost a thousand steps a day. Though doctors are still doubtful I will ever walk "normally" again, I have proven them wrong, when their said 13 years ago, that I would never walk again at all.
But because of the placement of the damage to my spine, regaining hand use, was always thought possible, it was just a matter of waiting long enough for nerve regrowth, along side daily finger exercises. I was able to continue writing, after becoming quadriplegic, because I still have use of my right thumb, and 2 fore figures of my right hand. And can type 90 words per minute with those 3 fingers.
I however have no wrist strength, elbow strength, or shoulder strength, so I am not able to form a fist, or lift objects, or brush my hair, or my teeth, all thing I have to have my caretaker do. But, those things are not needed for typing. Unfortunately, my pinky and ring fingers are "nerve dead" and drag over the keyboard, and cause horrific spelling errors and typos, which are incredibly frustrating to deal with.
Unfortunately trying to edit errors myself, just makes the errors worse, because those same two fingers drag over the keyboard yet again. Prior to the golf club attack, I rarely had spelling errors; now I got more spelling errors then someone is learning English as second language. Editing is a challenge, that I've had to accept, I simply can not do myself, and I have to hire several editors to help with that.
Low verbal means sounds can still be made, sounds that software programs like Dragon can be trained to recognize and translate, and type into full words. More then half my novels were typed with this method.
I still have a long ways to go before I am anything close to being able to do the things I could do before the golf club woman beat my baby's brains out and shattered my spine. And you know what's more frustrating then how slow mu medical progression has been? The fact that it's been 13 years and the police and FBI are still coming up at dead ends as to who the woman who murdered my baby was, or why she even did it.
My son's 14th birthday is only a few weeks away, but he didn't even get to live long enough to celebrate his 1st birthday, I don't even know why. And I can't wait to regain my ability to walk again, because regaining my ability to walk, means gaining the ability to go outside and start looking for my son's murderer myself instead of sitting at home trapped in a wheelchair waiting for the police and FBI to to find her. So, writing isn't a big priority for me anymore. I only write now, as a way to exercise my hands, in between relearning to walk.
Never let a disability stop you. Plenty of writers, artists, athletes, do not let either blindness, speech impediments, or limited mobility hold then back from perusing their careers.
Do you know who these two woman who crippled me and murdered my baby, at Southern Maine Community College at 10PM on November 14, 2013, are, and what their connection to the backhoe that drove over my house is? If you have any information, please give it to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office.
Wheelchair thieves are a thing
did you know that?
Wheelchair thieves are a thing
did you know that?
my car and my dog Koko sitting in my wheelchair, photo by me, Wendy Christine Allenthis video reminded me of an event which happened in May 2026, which i had not mentioned online... i live on the beach in Old Orchard Beach, and for years was daily walking my dog on the beach, became paralized 2013, and only regained some ability to get out of bed and start using a wheelchair in 2021, after 9 years beridden. its only now in 2026 that im able to stand up and walk a few feet. this lead to excitnent of trying to walk on the beach for the first time in 14 years... uhm... my wheelchair made it down the boardwalk, but immediatly sunk into the soft sand soon as getting off the boardwalk... tried using a walker to get the rest of the way, but only got halfway to the water before a man in his 30s and his 2 sons aged around 8 and 10 picked up my wheelchair and tried to carry it off the beach to their truck... fortunatly, i yelled out, "that guy is stealing my wheelchair" and a group of teenaged girls who was near by, ran after the guy and started bonking him with their big beach bags, while yelling thry were going to call child protective services for teaching his children to steal... they helped me get back to my wheelchair and helped me back to the boardwalk... im in my 50s, the girls who helped me were maybe 14 to 16. i have not tried to go to the beach again yet. also, my wheelchair has a dash camera on it, so i have video footage of the whole thing. I miss going to the beach and im horrified that we live in a society where people think stealing a wheelchair is okay.
here is the video that reminded me of this (not mine)
https://vm.tiktok.com/ZP8WkrUDL/
And, while I’m talking about wheelchairs… I’m going to answer a Reddit question.
Here is the question:
Why don’t more people use Powered Wheelchairs?
i’ve always wondered why people in this age tend to choose manual wheelchairs as opposed to electric or powered wheelchairs. Have you faced any issues with them? & What would it take (if anything) for manual users to shift to the modern ones?
https://www.reddit.com/r/wheelchairs/comments/1vkt6dk/why_dont_more_people_use_powered_wheelchairs/
Here is the answer:
my manual wheelchair cost $700 (seven hundred dollars)… I’m still saving up for my power wheelchair, which cost $25k (twenty five thousand dollars), I would use a power wheelchair if I could afford it, but it costs more money then both a used car and a house downpayment combined.
My income is $2k (two thousand dollars) a year. It will take me 50 (FIFTY) years to save up for a power wheelchair, even if I save ALL of my income and go without food for the next fifty years.
no, medical does not pay for wheelchairs
yes you can actually be too low income for medicare (in my case MaineCare)… because government issued medical coverage is not a free handout… it is a loan you have to pay back, if your income reaches a certain level, if you win a lottery over $100k, or if you sell your house… this is why you FIRST must ALREADY HAVE an income of a certain minimum level, because applies for medicare is literally you are applying for a medical loan… read the 84 pages long fine pint pamphlet you get with the application, it’s all right there in it.
likewise the government does not just hand out disability checks… which again, are a LOAN that has to be PAID BACK if your income reaches a certain level, if you win a lottery over $100k, or if you sell your house… AND because government issued disability checks are a LOAN that you HAVE TO PAY BACK eventually
side note… if you die before you pay back either your medicare/caid or disability checks, he bill goes to your spouse, parents, childre, or grandchildren 60 days after you death, AND the federal government can and WILL foreclose on THEIR house, reposes THEIR car, and take absolutely every single shred of everything they own, to pay off all your medicare/medicaid/and disability checks…and will go down the list of ALL of your family members and relatives taking ALL of their houses and cars, UNTIL they reach the amount to pay back your monthly disability checks and medicare/medicaid bills.
again… they outright tell you this, it is NOT a secret, it is in the fine print you sign, when you apply for government issued disability and or medical coverage.
by the way, I was told by the Maine department of health and human services that my income was “768% below the federal poverty level” and therefore “your income is too low to qualify for either disability or medicare” (side note, I have been quadriplegic, have movement in only 2 fingers and part of my mouth, for 13 years, am in a wheelchair, am homeless because of the same backhoe that drove over my house and left me crippled, and do not qualify for disability or medicare, because my income has not reached two thousand dollars in a single year, since becoming paralyzed November 14, 2013. My house before and after the backhoe attack:
https://www.eelkat.com/images/eelkats_house_before_after.jpg
The backhoe driver has yet to be located or held accountable, and i’ve no ability to work being fully paralized, and no ability to rebuild my house without an income, but, i also am going without medical treatment because my income is too low to get medicare and disability also being a thing that is a loan needing to be paid back, my income is also too low for that.
I have been paralized since November 14, 2013, and I COULD use a power wheelchair that entire time, if I had had one. Instead I was bedridden from November 14, 2013 until March 17, 2024, a full eleven years, because that is how long it took me to save up the $700 for the manual wheelchair I have now.
THAT is the reality we who power wheelchairs have to live with, and why more of us don’t have them, even though we desperately need them
Bedridden, paralized, 9 years, also means, no medical treatment, no physical therapy, no pain medicine, either, for 9 years, as doctors do not make "house calls" and as a quadriplegic with useless arms and useless legs, I have no way to get to either hospital nor doctor... and as I've said, not one single person has helped me, at all, with anything, no one, not my parents, not my neighbours, not my friends from college, not my game group, not my church, not my aunts, not my uncles, not my cousins.. not one single person... they ALL abandoned me after the backhoe drove over my house... they ALL left me for dead... they ALL left me to suffer, they ALL then truied to claim my land was theirs, and several of them contacted real estate agents to try to sell my land... and that is why they ALL are now being investigated by the FBI, because the FBI believes it was one of my relatives, possibly one of my parents, who hired the backhoe to drive over my house... the FBI believs THAT is why, not one of them has lifted a damned figure to help me get to the hospital to get medical treatment for my broken spine, why not one of them has lifted a finger to help me rebuild my house so I don't have to be homeless, while I am dragging myself with my elbows in the mud, why not one of them would help me get a wheelchair.
The FBI believes my relatives wanted me dead and hired the backhoe, not only to drive over my house, but to drive over me and kill me... the FBI says there is evidence that my own parents, where planning to sue the backhoe driver, get a wrongful death settlement, and buy a house in Kennebunk... but I wasn't home during the backhoe attack, I was on a food truck at George's parking lot, down by the Old Orchard Beach Peir, and my surviving the backhoe attack, flubbed up my parents' grand plans of collection life insurance on me and buying a mansion in Kennebunk with it.
Which would also mean, my parentsdeliberately, KNOW who the backhoe driver who drove over my house is, and is deliberatly withholding that information from the FBI.
But why would I not be surprised if that were true? Seeing they how they are the same parents, who used 12 year old me as a fucking breeder to high priests at the Cape Elizabeth church, because my mother was infertile and? That's the whole reason, they took me out of Old Orchard Beach Loranger School when I was 8. Because I started my period when I was 8. And all I ever was to my parents, was a fucking breeder, that's why they kept me locked in funking woodshed they called a room for 27 years, from the time I was 8 years old until I escaped it at age . I was pregnant 7 times before I was 16 years old, and they took my babies away every single time... and THAT is why the FBI suspects my parents of having hired the golf club woman who murdered my son... the FBI says my mother's infertile jealous rage, is their suspected motive for my son's murder.
Which would also mean, my parents, KNOW who the golf club woman who called herself Claire and the redhead woman with her who called herself "Kendra Silvermaner" are, meaning my parents KNOW who murdered my don and crippled me, and are deliberately withholding that information from the FBI.
My parents are insane, so I would not be at surprised if the FBI's suspension of their involvement in both the backhoe and my being crippled and my son's murder, were in fact correct.
My parents, used 12 year old me as a fucking breeder to high priests at the Cape Elizabeth church, because my mother was infertile and THAT is WHY I wrote Quaraun being kept as a breeder, locked up by an insane infertile bitch who didn't give a shit about him and just kept hiring men to rape, rape, rape, rape, rape....I wrote Quaraun wanting to not be female anymore, because that's all that ever went through my head... I fucking hated being female, I hated that my mother saw me as nothing but a breeder to pop out babies for her obsession with having a son... so I wrote Rapunzel, being used the same way and hating it and finally escaping and living as a man after escaping to try to forget the shirt his crazed infertile overlord did to him...
That's the whole reason, they -my parents- took me out of Old Orchard Beach Loranger School when I was 8. Because I started my period when I was 8. And all I ever was to my parents, was a fucking breeder, that's why they kept me locked in funking woodshed they called a room for 27 years, from the time I was 8 years old until I escaped it at age 31. I was pregnant 7 times before I was 16 years old, and they took my babies away every single time... and THAT is why that's how the Quaraun series starts... because I was sick of my mother selling my to high priests of her church, just because she was infertile and obsessed with needing to have a so and she thought having priests rape me endlessly was the way to get a baby... well, guess what... no matter how many rape babies she stole from me, not a one of them are hers and she knows it.
I committed the crime of being born female, and my mother told me that every damned day: "you filthy little competition bitch, I wanted a boy! you committed the sin of being born female! you fucking good for nothing four eyed retard! I didn't commit any sin, so why the fuck did god fucking punish me with a fucking female! you are unloved and unwanted you filthy little competition bitch!"
I grew up, endlessly wish I was male, and that's why I wrote Quaraun as living as a male and using he/him/his male pronouns after he discarded his past as Rapunzel.
So you'll have to excuse me if I seem rather enraged that you fuuckking jackasses are spreading rumours and lies about me and my car, because I have many,, much more more important things to deal with in my life, your fucking bull shit insane belief that my car is haunted.., I'm busy trying to relearn to walk enough so that I can get to a fucking doctor to get medical treatment for a broken spine that has gone untreated for for almost 15 years now... and once I relearn to walk, I'm going to start walking all over this fucking town, looking for the backhoe driver who drove over my house and looking for the fucking bitch who beat my baby's head in with a golf club and broke my spine with the same golf club... and I don't give a shit about your fucking lunatic belief in aliens, ufos, Stephen King, or fucking haunted cars. You can take your aliens, your demons, your ghosts, your haunted cares, and go jump off a fucking cliff!
Answering the question:
When someone asks you what you write, what do you tell them? How many people know you write or read questionable and problematic fiction?
This question came from a fellow writer and had a much longer explanation of how they were embarrassed to tell people they wrote Omegaverse and they wanted to know what "work around" I had for NOT telling strangers in public I write Omegaverse, when someone finds out I'm a writer and asks what I write.
Uhm... I don't have a "workaround" because I don't hide what I write.
everyone who knows me, knows; I don't make a secret of it.
I also tend to not trust people who feel the need to keep secrets or hide things from others because my mind defaults to thinking "well, if they hide something as insignificant as a, what are the actually significant big things they must be hiding also?" which then just triggers me to not trust them. I'm this way about everything, literally I have zero secrets in my life at all, everything is out in the open and I have serious trust issues with people who do not do the same...
...but then also, I'm also very much to the mind of: if someone is going to judge me based on what I read or write, they can go fuck themselves; I don't need prick head judgey mcjudgyface jackass bastards in my life, if they can't accept who I am, if they want to try to make me chance who I am, there's the door and they can leave, because I don't need their bullshit in my life
soooo... that's the mindset I am coming into reading and writing with as well.
Which means, I don't hide what I read, I don't hide what I write, and if anyone in my life wants to bitch about it, I'm never going to have contact with them again. you take me as I am or you fuck off, that's just the way I am with every aspect of my life and reading/writing is no exception
But here's the thing... I started writing my series in 1978, and I only found out about Omegaverse in May 2026.
Yep.
You see, I did not set out to write Omegaverse, and in fact, I had no idea I was writing Omegaverse, because I had never heard of Omegaverse until a few days ago when I was asked this question and I had to do a Google search to find out what the fuck even is omega verse?.
That's gonna take a bit of explaining, so here we go, this is gonna long.
 The Pink Necromancer, Quaraun the Insane |
|
 The Pink Necromancer, Quaraun the Insane, with his husband King Gwallmaiic aka BoomFuzzy the Unicorn Elf Eater of Pepper Valley, Lich Lord of Fire Mountain, walking down an street in The Godforsaken City formerly known as Boston... Quaraun is transgender, a f2m transman who uses he/him/his male pronouns, but makes no attempt to try to look male and continues to wear female ball gowns as his daily wear...Being the most deadly mage in the known universe, The Guild of Wizardry requires Quaraun to wearing bright pink at all times, (each mage is assigned a colour and no one else on the planet is allowed to wear that colour). |
I suppose the best way to show you what the "Omegaverse" type parts of my series is like, by just showing you one of the "Omegaverse/MPreg" scenes: (Note, this has not yet been edited; and it is formatted for the vn - it is from the draft of the visual novel "Quaraun goes to the Fair") (A visual novel is a type of video game/this is a scene from the video game, that's why it is script format)
People keep asking "What's the series like, what are the characters like, etc" and well, there are over twenty thousand pages of lore and free to read stories on this site, but, if you just want a sample upfront before you even look for those... here you go... this is a work in progress (and not yet edited or formatted) story, that will likely be released in 2027, here's a scene that has all three main characters, being their typical selves with how they are throughout most of the series:
TRIGGER WARNING: In case you forgot... Quaraun is a zombie, as is BoomFuzzy, and Ghoulspawn is too, he just hasn't come to terms with it yet, my series is a zombie apocalypse told from the point of views of the zombies... these are LITERAL UNDEAD MONSTERS, a hoard of intelligent thinking zombies that are able to pass themselves off as the living, so they can "Something Wicked This way Comes" style set up a seemingly innocent carnival in a village of the living, and them eat all the people that were stupid enough to enter the market... it's a travelling merchant and food truck chef, leading a massive horde of twenty-one billion zombies across the planet, systematically hunting down the living, because they eat brains, and all these guys have on their minds is where's the next group of brains we can harvest... literal Goblin Market logic here, NO ONE IS SELLING to customers, because the merchants are zombies eating the customers.
My characters are blood thirsty zombies with one thing on their minds: Brains!
Brains, brains, brains, brains, BRAINS!
Harvesting brains.
Eating brains.
Cooking brains.
Picking brains.
Pickling brains.
Sauteing brains.
Creating new recipes for brains stew.
And leaving nothing to waste, BoomFuzzy grinds Human bones into flour, literal bone meal flour, for making his gingerbread, his magical gingerbread that he uses to lure Humans into The UnSeelie Court, so the UnDead Evil faeries can feast on Humans brains.
...again...because I seem to need to repeat myself multiple times before anyone ever hears what I ACTUALLY said, as opposed to what they THOUGHT I was going to say... this sample is NOT from a novel, it is from the code of a VIDEO GAME, and so it is formatted like a stage play, sort of... it's formatted in RenPy Python code, so if you are used to reading the series as novels, this comes from one that is NOT a novel...
…I don't know if I'll make an actual novelised version of the video game or not. If I do, Quaraun Goes To The Fair is going to have to be completely rewritten and reformatted, became the video game is being made in RenPy which requires the story to be formatted almost like a stage play script, which as you can see from this work in progress sample chapter, is very different from the novel format that the rest of the series is formated in…
Oh, by the way, in case you hadn't heard: I got permission/rights to use this song as the theme song for this game, so, here, play the YouTube version while you read this:
NARRATOR: "Quaraun continued texting for a few minutes but neither BoomFuzzy nor GhoulSpawn responded."
Quaraun: "I am bored and annoyed and annoyed and bored, and I have to pee again."
Quaraun: "Why do these kits have to spend all their time dancing on my bladder?"
Quaraun: "It is bad enough I am too pregnant to run my sales booth, but I need someone to help me stand up so I can go pee and neither on of them are answering their phones."
NARRATOR: "Quaraun paused contemplating writing poetry on how they had both abandoned him, when suddenly, BoomFuzzy came raging into Quaraun's pink silk tent, while dragging GhoulSpawn behind him."
BoomFuzzy: "I have had it up to here with the both of you."
BoomFuzzy: "You..."
NARRATOR: "He threw GhoulSpawn into a pile of pillows beside Quaraun."
BoomFuzzy: "Stay there and study your fucking books! I want you knowing how to repair the damned Bio Dome before we get back home."
BoomFuzzy: "And you..."
NARRATOR: "The King spun around to glare angrily at his court mage."
BoomFuzzy: "Give me that fucking phone!"
NARRATOR: "BoomFuzzy tore the phone out of Quaraun's hands before the old Elf had a chance to respond."
Quaraun: "Give that back!"
BoomFuzzy: "NO!"
Quaraun: "I am trying to have my hourly existential crisis!"
BoomFuzzy: "AND I AM TRYING TO RUN A FUCKING KINGDOM!"
Quaraun: "I need my phone."
BoomFuzzy: "And I need my sanity!"
GhoulSpawn: "Tough luck having that around him, driving every one around him, insane is Quaraun's speciality. I've never..."
BoomFuzzy: "SHUT THE FUCK UP! WHAT THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET YOU TO FUCKING STOP TALKING FOR FIVE DAMNED FUCKING SECONDS!?!"
GhoulSpawn: "Technically that is incorrect, because stopping to breath between sentences takes about five seconds, meaning every time I breath through my nose or my mouth, I am in fact not talking for those few seconds and..."
BoomFuzzy: "SHUT UP!"
BoomFuzzy: "I have had it up to here with the both of you. {p} We have a very bad winter ahead of us, and the first blizzards will be hitting us with in the next two weeks."
BoomFuzzy: "We NEED the Bio Dome repaired BEFORE the blizzard starts. {p} If that Bio Dome isn't up and running before the first blizzard hits, we NEED to move underground."
BoomFuzzy: "That means we have to get the caves ready. We have to have food and water and everything else we need in storage, and right now, we don't and we are running out of time to do it."
BoomFuzzy: "The Shard Fall is going to start up again soon. {p} We don't know exactly when. {p} It could be a few months. {p} It could be a few years. {p} It could be tomorrow."
BoomFuzzy: "We need to be ready for the next Shard Fall. {p} You know how bad the last one was..."
GhoulSpawn: "Actually... I don't. I wasn't here. {p} I've never seen a Shard Fall. {p} I kind of don't know what it is."
BoomFuzzy: "SHUT UP! {p} I AM YOUR KING AND YOU DO NOT INTERRUPT ME!"
Quaraun: "He is correct. He has never seen a Shard Fall. So he does not know what it is we have to prepare for."
NARRATOR: "BoomFuzzy glared at Quaraun, his fist tightening around the cleaver in his hand. {p} Seeing this Quaraun quickly added..."
Quaraun: "As your Royal Court Mage and Advisor, I DO in fact have your prior permission to interrupt you if I feel that you are in need of advising..."
Quaraun: "...and therefore I am not out of line in reminding you that while Glinta has been informed of the dangers, one really can not mentally prepare for the magnitude of cataclysm that comes with a Shard Fall, because what exactly would it mean to say that one was prepared for such a thing, when preparation itself presupposes that the mind possesses some adequate measure by which it can comprehend the event for which it is preparing..."
Quaraun: "...and I assure you that there is no adequate measure, there is no sensible comparison, there is no previous catastrophe to which one can point and say, yes, it shall be like that, only larger, because the whole horror of a Shard Fall lies precisely in the fact that it is not merely an unusually large disaster, nor is it merely an inconvenience which has been magnified by distance and circumstance..."
Quaraun: "...but a thing which descends upon the world with such extravagant indifference to everything living upon it that all one's carefully assembled preparations become, in the final accounting, little more than an elaborate arrangement of objects which happen to be standing in the correct room when the roof ceases to exist;..."
Quaraun: "... and you may tell Glinta to store provisions, you may tell him to reinforce the doors, you may tell him to remain indoors, you may tell him to keep away from the windows and to follow every instruction given by those who have survived one before, but none of those instructions will give him the experience of hearing the world itself make a sound which his mind insists cannot possibly be coming from the world,..."
Quaraun: "... nor will they teach him what it is to look upward and understand, with that peculiar and appalling clarity which arrives only when there is no longer any use in denying what the eyes are seeing, that the thing falling from the heavens is not some distant phenomenon which belongs to the sky and therefore can remain safely in the sky, but is coming here, specifically here, ..."
Quaraun: "...and that your house, your road, your garden, your carefully repaired roof, your pantry, your bed, your body, all of it occupies the same unfortunate planet as the falling stone; and so when you tell me that Glinta has been informed, I believe you, and when you tell me that he understands the danger, I believe that also, but understanding a sentence and understanding a Shard Fall are two entirely different accomplishments,..."
Quaraun: "... and I should not like to discover, after the first fragment tears through something he once believed permanent, that we mistook his ability to repeat our warnings back to us for the far less pleasant ability to comprehend why we have spent all this time preparing..."
GhoulSpawn: "I told you he talks more then I do..."
BoomFuzzy: "Shut up."
GhoulSpawn: "ME? {p} Why don't you tell HIM to shut up?"
BoomFuzzy: "Because I'm married to him. And you're just the idiot he runs around with behind my back."
GhoulSpawn: "We kind of all three of us sleep in bed together at the same time. I don't see you complaining then."
Quaraun: "... and perhaps this is the true terror of it, not the falling stone itself, but the impossibility of making the mind understand that something can be both inevitable and incomprehensible, much as it is impossible to explain to a rat that the gnawing inside its skull is not hunger, not madness, but the gradual devouring of the very organ by which it might otherwise have understood the difference..."
Quaraun: "... and what is a brain but a particularly elaborate piece of meat upon which existence has permitted itself the temporary luxury of thought, and what is thought but the desperate chewing of little mental rats upon the bones of a universe which has already forgotten why it created us in the first place..."
Quaraun: "...and then there are the primordial depths, of course, the black algae-filled waters beneath everything we foolishly call solid, where Mother's ever-loving tentacles reach upward from the ancient goo while the tadpoles swarm and fight for their opportunity to eat your brain, which is perhaps the most honest metaphor for existence I have ever encountered,..."
Quaraun: "... because we are all tadpoles in the end, swimming through the primordial muck and believing ourselves to be important because we have acquired names, houses, provisions, titles, royal courts, silken garments, and the remarkable audacity to imagine that any of these things will matter when the heavens begin throwing stones at us;"
Quaraun: "... and I find it particularly amusing, in that bleak and rather unpleasant way in which certain things become amusing only after one has stared at them for too long, that every hour on the hour I write a poem about the doom and gloom of existence, the gloom and doom of the cosmos, the doom and gloom of the impending cataclysmic threat of another comet strike,..."
Quaraun: "... the gloom and doom of the rats gnawing at the mind, the gloom and doom of Mother's tentacles, the gloom and doom of the tadpoles, the gloom and doom of the algae, the gloom and doom of the brain which is apparently destined to become lunch,..."
Quaraun: "... and yet somehow none of this has prepared me for the possibility that I shall be forced to endure another Shard Fall without having first finished my tea, which I consider to be a catastrophe of an altogether more personal nature..."
BoomFuzzy: "Love."
Quaraun: "...and therefore I have concluded that Glinta's lack of urgency is entirely rational under the circumstances, because no creature can be expected to fear adequately that which he has never experienced, particularly when the thing itself is so far beyond ordinary comprehension that even those of us who have experienced it are reduced to writing poetry about..."
BoomFuzzy: "LOVE."
Quaraun: "...the impending doom of..."
BoomFuzzy: "Quaraun. Stop."
Quaraun: "I have not finished."
BoomFuzzy: "You have gone completely off the bloody rails."
Quaraun: "I was arriving at an important philosophical conclusion."
BoomFuzzy: "You were talking about tadpoles eating brains."
Quaraun: "Which was precisely where the philosophical conclusion was going."
BoomFuzzy: "No."
Quaraun: "Yes."
BoomFuzzy: "No."
Quaraun: "... it is as if the rats gnawing at the mind, devouring the brain, could be comprehended, alongside mother's ever loving tentacles, screaming from the dark algae filled depths of the primordial goo, while the tadpoles swim, nay fight, for their chance to eat your brain!"
Quaraun: "Yes! Every hour on the hour I write a poem about the doom and gloom of existence. The gloom and doom of the cosmos. The doom and gloom of the impending cataclysmic threat of another comet strike. The gloom and doom of… "
BoomFuzzy: "Love, I'm in the middle of making merchant burgers. I don't have ten hours to listen to your villain arch monologue. The bloody steaks will go bad in the sun. Get to the fucking point. NOW!"
Quaraun: "Glinta has never experienced a Shard Fall... so he can not be expected to feel the same level of urgency as the rest of us."
BoomFuzzy: "That explains his lack urgency, what about yours?"
Quaraun: "I urgently need to pee. I have an entire litter of kits doing summer salts on my bladder..."
BoomFuzzy: "All the more reason we need to gather supplies. {p} With you ready to go into labour any day, we need extra supplies for the bairns, and extra supplies to compensate for you're impending need to be in recovery for weeks after giving birth."
BoomFuzzy: "In case you hadn't noticed I'm trying to take care of you two idiots."
GhoulSpawn: "I'm far from being an idiot. I have thirty two PhDs from Harvard and my IQ makes Einstein look like a blathering idiot..."
BoomFuzzy: "So says the blathering idiot of a goat."
GhoulSpawn: "I'm a Sheep."
BoomFuzzy: "And as Patient Zero, I am the ONLY person whom has ever survived being hit by a shard."
Quaraun: "This is true."
GhoulSpawn: "My understanding of Shard Fall is the shattered remains of Comet Swift Tuttle are due to orbit close to the planet again, and ever since the year it did so by hitting the Moon..."
GhoulSpawn: "it now passes with a massive asteroid belt orbiting it, and the planet is due to get the shit beat out of it be a whole bunch of the debris breaking off the comet's orbit as it passes us, yes?"
BoomFuzzy: "It's worse then that. Shard Fall, is specifically the giant blue crystal shards that fall out of the sky and everything they don't crush when they land, turns into opal."
GhoulSpawn: "The gemstone?"
BoomFuzzy: "Yes. {p} The Crystal Plague. {p} Half the Shards are big enough to rips mountains in half."
GhoulSpawn: "I struggle to image Shards being that big."
Quaraun: "They can be bigger. We have to be ready to leave the planet if needs be, that is why we have the fleet in orbit."
GhoulSpawn: "Leave the planet?"
Quaraun: "Yes! The Crystal Shards are deadly, look like neon blue glowing quartz crystals, but are subzero temperatures, and like liquid nitrogen, touching one instantly flash freezes the person, animal, plant that touched it, and the freezing spreads, which is precisely why I find the prospect of remaining on the planet during a Shard Fall to be an unnecessarily optimistic interpretation of the word survival,..."
Quaraun: "... because what exactly is the point of constructing an underground shelter if the thing falling from the heavens is capable of turning the forest above you into a cemetery of blue crystal statues,..."
Quaraun: "... and what comfort is there in knowing that the roof over your head remains intact when you must nevertheless wonder whether the mountain itself shall be frozen solid around you, trapping you inside it like a fly in amber, except that the fly at least possesses the dignity of not having spent the preceding week arguing over whether enough canned fruit was purchased..."
Quaraun: "...and I have no desire to become a blue crystal statue, thank you, particularly not one with my hands frozen in some undignified position, because if I am to be preserved for eternity I should prefer to be preserved wearing my best pink silks, with my hair arranged properly,..."
Quaraun: "... and preferably somewhere where future civilizations can admire me rather than excavate me from beneath six hundred feet of frozen mountain and say, 'Oh, look, some unfortunate Elf,' as though I were merely an archaeological inconvenience..."
GhoulSpawn: "Quaraun."
Quaraun: "...because I assure you I shall not tolerate being an archaeological inconvenience."
GhoulSpawn: "I only asked if we would leave the planet."
Quaraun: "I was explaining why."
GhoulSpawn: "You explained it."
Quaraun: "I had not finished."
GhoulSpawn: "You never do.
Quaraun: "It is known as The Crystal Plague as people who freeze do not freeze into ice, rather they freeze into blue crystal, looking like a carved crystal statue. Why do you think I am having hourly existential crises!"
GhoulSpawn: "Uhm... because you're insane?"
Quaraun: "I am not insane."
GhoulSpawn: "All the wanted posters around the fairgrounds says 'WANTED – DEAD OR ALIVE: QUARAUN THE INSANE'."
Quaraun: "That is because Humans are idiots."
GhoulSpawn: "Uhm... yeah... I thought it was because you were a mass murdering serial killer who goes from town to town killing all the Humans?"
NARRATOR: "Quaraun ignored this and went back to his original train of thought."
Quaraun: "Unicorn is known as 'Patient Zero' as he was the first person to ever come into contact with a crystal Shard and live, but it is what it did was it turned him into a Frost Lich..."
Quaraun: "...and why he can touch a person and freeze them instantly, and why he can summon blizzards and ice storms. Nothing is more feared in the solar system the Shard Fall and The Crystal Plague it brings."
BoomFuzzy: "It is due to hit us again. {p} It doesn't come consistently so we can not plan for it with great accuracy, but we can predict it within a decade or so."
BoomFuzzy: "And we are in the cusp of that decade right now. The Shard Fall could start any day now. Though I believe, we still have a few months before it will hit us."
BoomFuzzy: "And that is WHY we are here at The GodForsaken City's annual regional fair. If we prepare properly, we can survive The Shard Fall with minimal damages. {p} We have done it before."
BoomFuzzy: "While this is YOUR first Shard Fall, Ghoulie, it isn't ours. {p} Shard Fall will take out many cities, kill entire settlements, erase entire forests. It is hellish devastation, that will hit the entire planet all at once."
BoomFuzzy: "I have been able to keep all the four hundred families of The UnSeelie Court safe, through every Shard Fall to ever hit us, for two thousand years now."
BoomFuzzy: "I know what I am doing. I know what we need to prepare. I can lead us through this, if you let me do my job. {p} And part of that job, is we NEED supplies that we can't grow or make ourselves."
BoomFuzzy: "That is WHY we are here at this festival. We are not here to goof off or play games or bumble around like fucking idiots. Got it? I have a Job to do. And I need you two, to let me do it."
BoomFuzzy: "And that means I want the two of you, to stay here, and do whatever the hell it is the two of you do when you're alone in this tent. No more texting me unless it is an ACTUAL emergency."
BoomFuzzy: "Okay? {p} Do you two think you can stay out of trouble, for a single weekend? {p} Is that really too much to ask?"
GhoulSpawn: "You've got have the vendors lined up out there on the chopping block!"
BoomFuzzy: "We need enough food to last three fucking years, of underground living in caves beneath the mountains for the next three years without any possibility of going back to the surface."
GhoulSpawn: "They're Humans!"
BoomFuzzy: "They're livestock. Get used to it. Be glad we Fae are eating the Humans and not the two of you Elves!"
GhoulSpawn: "I'm a Sheep!"
BoomFuzzy: "You're a half-Elf and we are Phookas. We eat Elves. Why do you think they call me The Elf Eater? You think being a half-Elf will get you off the hook?"
BoomFuzzy: "Most of the pure blooded Elves got killed off in the first Shard Fall. We ran out of Elves to eat centuries ago. That's the only thing that keeps him alive."
NARRATOR: "BoomFuzzy pointed his cleaver towards Quaraun."
BoomFuzzy: "He's the last pure blooded Elf that we can actually verify is pure blooded Elf. We keep him alive so we can breed more Elves."
GhoulSpawn: "I really don't like being in this time period. I want to go back home."
BoomFuzzy: "We all do, GhoulSpawn."
GhoulSpawn: "It's differant for you."
BoomFuzzy: "No it's not."
GhoulSpawn: "You belong here!"
BoomFuzzy: "No! We don't!"
GhoulSpawn: "What do you mean?"
BoomFuzzy: "GhoulSpawn you are not the only one, not where they belong. None of us, no one in The UnSeelie Court belongs here. That's why we banded together in the first place."
GhoulSpawn: "I.. I... I don't understand. ... {p} What do you mean?"
BoomFuzzy: "Quaraun is from 800 B.C. Persia. That's why he doesn't know anything about machines and medicine. It's why he thinks that laser gun of his is a magic wand. It's why he thinks his bionic prosthetics are magic enchanted gloves. And because i used to be a robotics engineer and knew how to build those prosthetic hands for him, now he thinks im a wizard."
GhoulSpawn: "Aren't you?"
BoomFuzzy: "NO! … {p} … well… not the way he thinks. GhoulSpawn, I belong in 26th century Earth. Where we had robots and cyborgs and sapient Ai. I was a robotics engineer and ai programmer. How do you think i built my Ai powered self driving food truck? How do you think i built these ai powered vr goggles? I'm blind you know! You keep forgetting that because I have these glasses that tell me my surroundings and gives me read outs of everything around me. But take these off and I can't see a thing. I was blind since birth."
GhoulSpawn: "You built those things?"
BoomFuzzy: "Yes."
GhoulSpawn: "All the robots and drones and self driving cars you guys have, that's all you?"
BoomFuzzy: "Aye. I built every one of them."
GhoulSpawn: "I thought you was just a fisherman and chef."
BoomFuzzy: "A man can do more then one thing. I like cooking. I like fishing. I like clam digging. And none of that excludes me from liking robotics, engineering, or programming."
GhoulSpawn: "I suppose that's true. I never thought of it that way."
BoomFuzzy: "Most people can't see far enough past my skin colour to think I might have any intelligence."
GhoulSpawn: "I certainly wasn't thinking that. I just meant I've only ever seen you cooking and fishing."
BoomFuzzy: "We live in an apocalypse. World ain't got much use for anything beyond basic survival skills anymore."
GhoulSpawn: "So, you're from a cyberpunk era and Quaraun’s from before Jesus was born?"
BoomFuzzy: "Aye. It's why he thinks I'm a lich. I was the first frozen person to be revived by cryogenics. Those things he calls necromancy grimoires and necronomicons, are actually medical books about cryogenics! Its why he prays to ancient gods and believes in spirits…"
Quaraun: "Goddess."
BoomFuzzy: "What?!"
Quaraun: "You said I pray to gods. I do not. I pay to the Moon Goddess."
BoomFuzzy: "Whatever."
Quaraun: "Not whatever. There is a very big difference."
BoomFuzzy: "My point is that you were born in a time and place three hundred thousand years ago, and you're only seven hundred years old!"
Quaraun: "Indeed. It is most troubling."
GhoulSpawn: "What about you?"
BoomFuzzy: "Me? I should be back in 2525. I was there when the comet hit the moon. Some how I ended up in the past. Not sure what year. Ancient Incas I think. I lived in that time for two thousand years, eventually reached 800 B.C. and met Quaraun. Then we both ended up in the 1400s. And then we ended up here. Which near as I can tell, this is America in the year four hundred thousand and something. And then you ended up here with us. And you're from 1978."
Quaraun: "Stop moving."
BoomFuzzy: "What the fuck? I'm a Faerie, ya gonna tell me to stop moving? Yeah might as well tell me to lay down and die."
Quaraun: "You are already dead, considering you are a Lich. And do not blame your endless hyper activity on being a Faerie. I have known plenty of Fae who were perfectly capable of sitting calmly and quietly. Two things you are completely incapable of ever doing."
BoomFuzzy: "By what right do you feel the need to give your king orders?"
Quaraun: "By the right that in addition to being your favourite spouse, and your Royal Court Mage, and your Royal Advisor, I am also your tailor and you have a lose button. Now stand sill and stop fidgeting long enough for me to fix it."
BoomFuzzy: "Do ya got any idea how annoying you are?"
Quaraun: "Yes. You remind me constantly. You told me how annoying I have been this weekend, over a dozen times while making breakfast, a dozen more times while my handmaids were brushing my hair, and you keep reminding me that there are no cherries, and that the lack of cherries is my fault…"
BoomFuzzy: "It is your fault."
Quaraun: "I fail to see how that is relevant…"
BoomFuzzy: "You ate the fucking cherries."
Quaraun: "I was hungry."
BoomFuzzy: "You ate three pails full of cherries. Three pails that were three gallons each. You ate nine gallons of cherries. That's not hungry, that's gluttony."
Quaraun: "I am nine months pregnant."
BoomFuzzy: "So you ate a gallon of cherries for each month? At this rate you'll eat our entire winter stores before the end of the week!"
Quaraun: "The kits were hungry, and they wanted cherry pie."
BoomFuzzy: "Which is what I was going to make, had there been any cherries left to make it with."
Quaraun: "Stop moving."
BoomFuzzy: "NO!"
Quaraun: "You have forgotten that I am currently repairing your coat."
BoomFuzzy: "I have not. You have forgotten that I am your King, and you take orders from me not give orders to me."
Quaraun: "Hold still."
BoomFuzzy: "What are you even doing?"
Quaraun: "Your button is loose."
GhoulSpawn: "How'd you get your scissors? You ain't left this spot, your sewing basket's on the other side of the tent."
Quaraun: "My chatelaine."
GhoulSpawn: "What is a chatelaine?"
Quaraun: "This is a chatelaine."
Narrator: "Quaraun motioned towards the many gleaming silver chains hanging from his belt. Each chain ending to hold an elaborate silver tool. A pair of silver embroidery scissors, a silver thimble, a silver case full of gold eye silver needles, a silver cage filled with beeswax, and at least a dozen other such items."
GhoulSpawn: "Those are... real? Like real tools?"
Quaraun: "Of course. I am a tailor."
GhoulSpawn: "Yeah but, I mean like... I thought that stuff was just decorations. Like jewellery or something. I thought you just collected sewing charms because you like to sew. I didn't realize those were actually really sewing tools."
GhoulSpawn: "You wear a chatelaine?"
Quaraun: "Of course. I am a tailor."
BoomFuzzy: "He has got enough sewing tools hanging off that thing to rebuild the whole bloody tower."
Quaraun: "I have exactly the tools I require."
GhoulSpawn: "How many tools is that?"
Quaraun: "Enough. I have a king to keep respectable."
BoomFuzzy: "I don't care what I look like."
Quaraun: "Which is precisely why I must be vigilant in attending to it for you. You would run around in rags if I let you."
BoomFuzzy: "Again, Love, I am the King. I can wear whatever the fuck I want."
Quaraun: "If other kingdoms are to take you seriously, you must dress the part."
BoomFuzzy: "What other kingdoms? There's a fucking apocalypse going on out there. There ain't no other kingdoms. We've got the last one! Zombies ate everyone else."
Quaraun: "You never know when we might encounter another kingdom. They must know immediately upon looking at you, that you are the king."
BoomFuzzy: "Do you really think, anyone is going live through your zombie herds marching ahead of us, long enough to notice our caravan at the centre of the zombie herd?"
Quaraun: "There is always the chance someone might. Even the Lich King, as formidable as you are, must always be ready to greet other leaders who perchance to survive my zombies."
GhoulSpawn: "Or… you know, just an idea.. you could… I don't know… maybe not steam roll into every settlement, kill every living thing you see?"
Quaraun: "Glinta. I am The Pink Necromancer. The World's Most Feared Wizard. Military General of the World's Most Feared King. Titles we can not maintain if we just peacefully mosey on in to every village we find. We have reputations to maintain."
GhoulSpawn: "Ah. Silly me for forgetting you was actually evil Gargamel on a power trip."
Quaraun: "Gargamel?"
GhoulSpawn: "Saturday morning cartoon wizard, tried to convince everyone he was evil, but he wasn't really evil, but he went cartoonishly over the top on trying to be evil just for the sake of being evil because he was a member of an evil wizarding guild that had kicked him out for not being evil enough, so he went on a binge of what evil can I do today for the sake of proving to the world, that I am evil, oh I know I'll eat blue elves… you know what… you wouldn't get it, so, never mind."
Quaraun: "I believe you are mixing me up with Unicorn here. He eats Elves. That is why he is called The Elf Eater."
GhoulSpawn: "I wasn't…"
BoomFuzzy: "Do you always have to get my title wrong? I am King Gwallmaiic, Elf Eater of Pepper Valley, Lich Lord of Fire Mountain, King of The UnSeelie Court."
GhoulSpawn: "You two care more about your titles then you do anything else, you know that?"
Quaraun: "Of course we do. Titles are important."
GhoulSpawn: "No. actually they aren't."
Quaraun: "Yes, they are."
GhoulSpawn: "No. You two are just crazy."
Quaraun: "We are both perfectly normal. It is you who is odd."
GhoulSpawn: "I feel like I fell into a cartoon and can't get out of it."
Quaraun: “Did you ever make my cherry pie or pink cloud macrons?”
BoomFuzzy: “Did you ever bring me a basket of cherries or moon fruit?”
Quaraun: “No.”
BoomFuzzy: “Then what pray tell were you expecting me to make them with?”
Quaraun: “You are a Fearie chef...”
BoomFuzzy: “So?”
Quaraun: “Does that not mean you can pouf acorn caps and get macrons?”
BoomFuzzy: “Cooking doesn’t work that way, Love.”
Quaraun: "You are a Faerie chef, which means that surely there must be some ancient culinary enchantment whereby acorn caps become pastries, or mushrooms become cakes,..."
Quaraun: "... or perhaps you simply point at an empty plate and command it to contain a cherry pie, because I have seen you turn stranger ingredients into things which ought not logically be edible, and I therefore fail to understand why the absence of cherries should constitute an insurmountable obstacle when the entire point of being a Faerie is presumably to make the impossible irritatingly convenient..."
BoomFuzzy: "Love... I cook from scratch. Tastes better that way. I only use magic for food prep when prepping poisons food for luring victims in."
Quaraun: “Pooh.”
BoomFuzzy: “I am the world’s greatest chef. I have more Micheline stars then any other chef on the planet. And I am the world’s most terrifying Faerie Sorceror Lich King. {p} But my cooking is just plain old fashioned cooking. No magic involved. And where there are no cherries, there can be no cherry pie.”
Quaraun: “Alas. I ate three baskets of cherries. The temptation was too great and the kits were so hungry. {p} And I lost the moon fruit in the scuffle with the police. {p} You do not suppose they are at the police department?”
BoomFuzzy: “In the evidence locker if they are.”
Quaraun: “Could we get them back?”
BoomFuzzy: “We’d have to get arrested again.”
Quaraun: “Are you certain?”
BoomFuzzy: “You got a better plan? You’re my royal advisor, I’s your job to come up with ideas.”
Quaraun: “I could pee on a police officer. They would arrest me for that would they not?”
BoomFuzzy: “Humans around would arrest you just for being an Elf. A pregnant Omega Elf who pees on them would prob’ly get arrested even faster.”
Quaraun: "Then perhaps it would be more efficient to pee upon the officer, because if arrest is already the inevitable consequence of my presence, it would be wasteful to allow the opportunity for a more efficient arrest to pass unused..."
BoomFuzzy: "Ya think ya can reel in the crazy just long enough for us to get through the weekend?"
Quaraun: “I need to pee.”
BoomFuzzy: “Go pee then. Why you sitting here bitching about it?”
Quaraun: “My nest is so comfortable. I’ve got all my pillows and fur pelts in just exactly the right places.”
BoomFuzzy: “You have any idea how annoying you are when you’re nesting like a damn broody mother hen?”
Quaraun: “I am still craving pink cloud macrons. These cravings are so annoying. They come on me without warning. Those stupid police who arrested me yesterday took my moon fruit, and I completely forgot about it until just now.”
BoomFuzzy: “Well, I’m sure you’ll find a way for us to get arrested again today. We haven’t gotten through a single day of this festival yet without getting arrested.”
Quaraun: “You act like I do it on purpose!”
BoomFuzzy: “JellyBean, we can’t harvest brains, unless we keep a low profile. {p} And we can’t keep a low profile, if you go around throwing apples at police officers.”
Quaraun: “I was throwing them at you. How was I to know there was a police officer behind you and the apple would hit him when you ducked?”
BoomFuzzy: “Why was ya throwing apples at your King in the first place?”
Quaraun: “You was refusing to make me a cherry pie.”
BoomFuzzy: “On account of you ate all the cherries and there was no cherries left to make a cherry pie out of!”
Quaraun: “Well, the police took my moon fruit, so you can still make pink cloud macrons.”
BoomFuzzy: “If we can get them back out of the police station.”
GhoulSpawn: “You two aren’t seriously considering breaking into the evidence locker of the police station are you?”
Quaraun: “Of course we are!”
GhoulSpawn: “Why don’t you just go back to the fruit stand and buy more moon fruit?”
Quaraun: “Me? Spend coins?”
GhoulSpawn: “Ya, what was I thinking, I forgot it’d be easier to get Scrooge McDuck to spend a dime!”
Quaraun: “Glinta, why should I waste coins, when we have you?”
GhoulSpawn: “Me?”
Quaraun: “You are the best pick pocket, lock picker, sneak thief, I have ever encountered.”
GhoulSpawn: “You want ME to break into the police station evidence locker?”
Quaraun: “YES!”
GhoulSpawn: “Boomie, you’re not agreeing to this are you?”
BoomFuzzy: “If it keeps the two of you out of my hair for the rest of the day.”
GhoulSpawn: “What is so great about pink cloud macrons?”
Quaraun: “BoomFuzzy’s BoomFudgey Pink Cloud Macrons are to die for. Layers of pink moon fruit whipped fluffy cakes stuffed with whipped fluffy chocolate cream. He is the world’s greatest chef and his pink cloud macrons are one of his crowning achievements. A recipe he created.”
BoomFuzzy: “Aye. I didn’t get 43 Micheline Stars for nothing.”
GhoulSpawn: “Are you sure you didn’t just steal the stars off the restaurants after you killed, cooked, and ate the chefs?”
BoomFuzzy: “Eh, same thing.”
GhoulSpawn: “Yeah… I don’t think it works that way…”
BoomFuzzy: “It does when I cook, Ghoulie.”
NARRATOR: "BoomFuzzy did not give them a chance to answer. He stormed out of the tent."
"..."
NARRATOR: "The next two hours passed without incident, but two hours was about as long as Quaraun could go sitting silently."
Quaraun: "I have missed my last two existential crises!"
GhoulSpawn: "Uh-huh."
Quaraun: "I am hungry"
GhoulSpawn: "Yep."
Quaraun: "Are you listening to me?"
GhoulSpawn: "Okay."
NARRATOR: "Quaraun grabbed a pillow and threw it at GhoulSpawn. {p} It missed the Sheep Demon completely and landed silently on the tent floor. {p} GhoulSpawn did not notice."
NARRATOR: "GhoulSpawn hadn't actually registered what it was Quaraun had said. He just had developed a habit of vocally acknowledging every time he heard Quaraun utter a sound."
NARRATOR: "Quaraun pulled out a scroll and began writing poetry. However Quaraun was not one to sit and quietly write. {p} No. Quaraun had to recite out loud as he wrote."
Quaraun: "I can not think of what to write. {p} Though I have not seen the black cat or her eels in a few hours. {p} Perhaps I should write about cats and eels. Eels and cats."
NARRATOR: "Quaraun was resting in his pink silk tent, while GhoulSpawn sat nearby quietly reading up on how to repair solar panels."
NARRATOR: "BoomFuzzy was outside, shouting orders to his Goblins who were chopping up huge sides of meat and grinding them into hamburger."
NARRATOR: "While The Goblin King himself was mixing the fresh ground meat with herbs and spices and grilling patties."
Quaraun: "I am like a cat. {p} I sit here by myself…."
Quaraun: "YES! I am like a cat!"
Quaraun: "I am like a cat. I sit here by myself, silently judging everyone, waiting for someone to feed me, and contemplating the profound indignity of existence, for what is a cat but a small furry monarch condemned to depend upon servants who frequently fail to understand the urgency of luncheon,..."
Quaraun: "... and what is a Human but a larger and considerably less graceful cat who has invented currency, warfare, agriculture, taxation, and trousers in order to disguise the fundamental truth that he too wishes only to sit somewhere warm and be fed,..."
Quaraun: "...and what is an Elf but a considerably more graceful cat who has been given too many books and consequently developed opinions about the metaphysical nature of being alone...
Quaraun: "I am like a cat. I sit here by myself..."
GhoulSpawn: "Quaraun you are not by yourself. I'm literally sitting right beside you."
Quaraun: "Stop interrupting my pontificating."
GhoulSpawn: "Okay. Whatever."
Quaraun: "I am like a cat. {p} I sit here by myself, silently judging everyone."
GhoulSpawn: "You're awfully loud for someone who's being silent. {p} You think you could actually be silently silent? I'm trying to study."
Quaraun: "Stop interrupting me. I am trying to pontificate!"
GhoulSpawn: "Why don't you go bug Boomie some more?"
Quaraun: "He told me to come bug you."
GhoulSpawn: "I know he did, but you don't have to take his words so literally."
Quaraun: "I am like a cat. {p} I sit here by myself, silently judging everyone, waiting for someone to feed me."
GhoulSpawn: "Are you hungry? Is that what all of this is about? Are you just hungry and too crazy to come out and just say you are hungry like a normal person would do?"
Quaraun: "I am NOT a normal person."
GhoulSpawn: "Boy! You can say that again!"
Quaraun: "I am NOT a normal person."
GhoulSpawn: "Quaraun! Stop taking everything so literally. Words have multiple meanings."
Quaraun: "Ah! You are referring to slang. {p} I do not use slang."
GhoulSpawn: "Yeah, I HAD noticed."
Quaraun: "I use only the correct and proper dictionary definitions of words."
GhoulSpawn: "No, actually, you don't."
Quaraun: "I am a nobleman and I refuse to lower myself to the impetuous, indignity of using slang."
GhoulSpawn: "Okay, so how'do'ya explain ya refusal to use contractions?"
Quaraun: "Contractions are a form of slang, because language is a reflection of thought, and the unnecessary mutilation of perfectly serviceable words in order to save a fraction of a second is evidence of an alarming cultural obsession with haste, and if one can not endure the additional syllable required to say 'cannot' then how can one possibly be expected to endure the vastly greater inconvenience of contemplating mortality, and this is precisely what is wrong with modern civilization, everyone is attempting to shorten everything, shortened words, shortened attention spans, shortened meals, shortened conversations, shortened lives, until eventually the entire species will communicate exclusively through grunts and hand gestures while the dead laugh at us from beneath the soil..."
GhoulSpawn: "You are talking about contractions."
Quaraun: "Yes! The worst invention Humans ever threw upon us! The utter scourge of the world!"
GhoulSpawn: "Worse then Shard fall!"
Quaraun: "YES! to shorten can not can bring about the entire collapse of society!"
GhoulSpawn: "You got from 'can't' to the collapse of civilization."
Quaraun: "It is called reasoning."
GhoulSpawn: "It's called insanity."
Quaraun: "I am not insane."
GhoulSpawn: "Says the Elf who has such a vehement hatred of contractions that his husband has taken up the habit of making triple and quadruple contractions out of words that shouldn't even be contracts, just because he's a sadistic freak who likes to listen to your have an offkilter mindfuck of a spiral into the deepest darkest depth of deranged insanity!"
Quaraun: "Contractions are a form of slang. {p} Contractions implies unintelligent…"
GhoulSpawn: "Better not let Boomie hear you saying that. He loves his contractions. And you're ten times more stupid then anyone else I know, and he's almost as smart as me."
NARRATOR: "Quaraun glared at the Sheep Demon."
GhoulSpawn: "I've never seen no one use as many contractions as he does. I kind of think he goes overboard with it, because he only does it when you're around."
Quaraun: "Yes he does and it is most annoying. Especially when you consider, that he does not use nearly as many contractions when talking to anyone other than me. I am well aware that he does it on purpose just to try to annoy me. And it works. I get so annoyed by it."
GhoulSpawn: "I can see why he's had so many spouses. Many as BlueBeard. More probably. He's not easy to get along with."
Quaraun: "Him being difficult o get along with has nothing to do with his going through spouses so quickly. He is The Elf Eater of Pepper Valley. He marries Elves so he can eat them."
GhoulSpawn: "Says the Elf who is married to him."
Quaraun: "I will have you know that our marriage has lasted three hundred years."
GhoulSpawn: "Only because he hasn't gotten bored with fucking you every ten minutes."
Quaraun: "You are so undignified."
GhoulSpawn: "He's almost as difficult to get along with as you are, y'know?"
NARRATOR: "Quaraun's eye twitched."
GhoulSpawn: "Yeah, I kinda noticed his accent and slang gets thicker and more street cockney when talking to you. {p} Y'know when you're not here, he completely loses that thick Scottish accent of his, and just talks normal to me."
GhoulSpawn: "Like, he's got hardly any accent at all when he's talking to anyone OTHER then you. {p} I kind of think he's just doing the accent just to try to annoy you."
Quaraun: "Well, I am not surprised. He is not really Scottish you know?"
GhoulSpawn: "Isn't he? He always talks about the Shetland Isles. I thought he was from there?"
Quaraun: "He is not even from Scotland!"
GhoulSpawn: "Oh. {p} Uhm… {p} So… {p} Where's he from?"
Quaraun: "He is from Papua New Guinea. Korwai Tribe. But not the Human tribe, mind you. The Phooka tribe, the Faerie tribe. They lived in the Korwai settlement with the Humans, so they got called Korwai as well. So he is not ACTUALLY Kowari either."
Quaraun: "His father was some leader's counsellor or something, it was like a military general sort of position, I think. I do not know exactly."
Quaraun: "Well, anyways, his father was an a high ranking and very important warrior, travelled a lot, a big shot who had to be at all these political diplomatic events and such, and he kept spare wives in all these other countries."
GhoulSpawn: "Spare wives in other places, that's never good. Been there, done that. There are so many husbands who want me dead."
Quaraun: "Yes, well you do not marry any of the wives you sleep with. No, what I am talking about is different."
Quaraun: "Unicorn's father was a bigamist. He was married to all these women but he kept it secret because they were all Humans and Faerie laws forbid Faeries from marrying Humans."
GhoulSpawn: "They do?"
Quaraun: "Yes. Interracial marriage is strictly prohibited in traditional Faerie law. {p} And it still is in laws of the Seelie Court."
GhoulSpawn: "But not UnSeelie?"
Quaraun: "No. Unicorn did away with such laws when he took over. It was one of the first things he did upon becoming King."
Quaraun: "See. Most of Unicorn's spouses have been nonFae. In fact most have been either Elves or Humans"
GhoulSpawn: "How many spouses has he had?"
Quaraun: "Hundreds. Never more than one at once. But he has been King for over two thousand years now, and most of his spouses were Humans, so he had not had many marriages which lasted more than fifty years."
GhoulSpawn: "So, that means he's been married to you longer then anyone else?"
Quaraun: "Yes. We was together thirty years before he died. Separated for a hundred years while I searched for his soul. And together three hundred years, since resurrecting him as a Lich."
Quaraun: "But stop interrupting me."
Quaraun: "His father had all these wives. And one of them was pregnant and went to Papua New Guinea trying to find him. Could not find him. Did not know where to look."
Quaraun: "She ended up in the Sepik River Valley. Flood season. Monsoon season. Gave birth in the wilds. Ended up with the Chimbu Tribe by the big volcano."
Quaraun: "They took her and the baby in and eventually figured out who it was she was looking for. So she finally gets to the Korwai settlement in the Highlands, and he is not happy to see her."
Quaraun: "Because it turns out he has this other wife, who did not know about the wives he had in all these other places."
Quaraun: "Now this was around 2516, because Unicorn was nine years old when the Comet Strike happened and the Comet Strike happened in 2525."
Quaraun: "So, he already had this other wife, but she could not have children so she convinced her husband to keep the secret wife on as their servant so that the infertile wife could raise the baby as her own. But then when Unicorn was a toddler, she got pregnant with her own baby, so suddenly she no longer wanted the illegitimate half-blood baby around…"
GhoulSpawn: "Half-blood?"
Quaraun: "... {p} You are interrupting me again."
GhoulSpawn: "Uhm… {p} yeah, because, y'know… {p} uhm… maybe you could clarify what you mean by {i} half-blood {/i}?"
Quaraun: "..."
GhoulSpawn: "I'm really not trying to insult you, Quaraun. {p} It's just that you just called BoomFuzzy an illegitimate half-blood baby, and I'm not sure what exactly that means?"
Quaraun: "His mother was a Human. She was Mongolian. She travelled all the way across China and then crossed the ocean, while pregnant, to try to find her baby's father."
GhoulSpawn: "Wait… really? So you're saying BoomFuzzy is not really a Faerie? He's ... half Human? Wait.. what are half-Fae even called?"
Quaraun: "Half Humans are not uncommon among the Fae, given most Faeries are born male, there are simply not enough female Fae to go around, so most male Fae breed with female Humans, it is very common."
Quaraun: " And. Let us see? Changeling is the correct term for a child who has a Human mother and a Faerie father."
GhoulSpawn: "So, BoomFuzzy's a Changeling?"
Quaraun: "Yes."
GhoulSpawn: "I didn't know that. {p} Yeah, I, uhm, I kind of just assumed he was like a full blooded Faerie, what with him being King of the Faeries and all that."
Quaraun: "He was not born royalty. I was born royalty. My father was a regional King of the Moon Elves and his older brother was the Grand High Emperor over all Elves of all types in all regions. I am the last Moon Elf, and possibly the last full blooded Elf. It has been decades since we last encountered anything but half Elves like yourself, and even you half-Elves are rare, so I am losing hope of finding any other pure blooded Elves like myself."
GhoulSpawn: "Y'know, I keep forgetting my mother was an Elf."
Quaraun: "You are royalty, Glinta. Your mother was a Sun Elf princess. I met her once. It was several years before you was born. She would have been the Elf Queen, had she not died so young. Even with your sheep features inherited from your Demon father, you bear an uncanny resemblance to your Elven mother. You focus too much on your ram horns, cloven hooves, and floppy lamb ears, when you should be remembering your royal blood. You were born to be a King in the Seelie Court."
GhoulSpawn: "And here I am a servant in the UnSeelie Court."
Quaraun: "You Glinta, are not a servant, nor should you think of yourself as one. You sleep in the bed of the King."
GhoulSpawn: "I kind of think he sleeps in YOUR bed. {p} I don't think I've ever seen him sleep in his own tent. {p} Heck, half the time he doesn't even set up his own tent."
Quaraun: "Regardless of who owns the bed, you are still sleeping with the King."
GhoulSpawn: "Haha! {p} Quaraun, you act like sleeping with the King makes me part of the family. It just makes me his male prostitute."
NARRATOR: "Speaking of King Gwallmaiic, Lich Lord of Fire Mountain, Elf Eater of Pepper Valley, King of the UnSeelie Court… he happened to walk into the tent at that exact moment…"
BoomFuzzy: "Ghoulie, did you know that not stabbing someone, when you really want to, is a sign of successful adulting? Hmm?"
GhoulSpawn: "Are you saying you want to stab me?"
BoomFuzzy: "You said it not me. {p} However, if ya wanted to get technical about it, I feel like wringing your neck would be very conducive to my mental health."
GhoulSpawn: "I think you're using the word conducive incorrectly."
BoomFuzzy: "I think you're proving my point. But I'll ignore it for the moment."
GhoulSpawn: “You ignore everything.”
BoomFuzzy: “No. I ignore YOU. For the sake of my Elf. {p} My Elf likes you. I tolerate you on his behalf. And you talk back to me constantly.”
GhoulSpawn: “I don’t talk...”
BoomFuzzy: “You are doing it right now.”
NARRATOR: “GhoulSpawn fell silent. A rare thing indeed.”
Quaraun: “Glinta, it will serve you well to learn proper manners, especially when addressing your leader.”
GhoulSpawn: “He is your King not mine. I don’t belong here. I want to go home.”
Quaraun: “Glinta, this is your home now. We love you and want you to stay.”
GhoulSpawn: “He hates me.”
BoomFuzzy: "I am the Alpha. Neither hating you nor loving you is in my job description.”
GhoulSpawn: “I am so sick of all of this. You are an Alpha. He’s an Omega. I don’t even know what that means. No body talks like that where I come from!”
BoomFuzzy: “You don't have Alphas where you come from. I can tell by how you act around me. {p} The bull shit you think you can get away with. You are not Quaraun. You do not have the same allowances he does."
BoomFuzzy: "He has saved my life, time and time again. Many times before he knew who I was. and many times more after he did. {p} And always much to the detriment of his own health, his own safety. {p} I trust him, to never hurt me."
BoomFuzzy: "I trust him to never become a traitor. But I have no reason to trust you. You are a coward. To my mind, you are a liability. You are mentally weak. In spite of your massive size and physical strength, I wouldn't trust you to lift a finger to help anyone but yourself."
BoomFuzzy: "But my Elf trusts you. I don't know why, nor do I ask. He personally requested you to be his lab assistant. For all his whining and pettiness, he's never asked for anything from me. He knows his place. {p} Goat, you are only here, in my Court, because HE asks you to be."
GhoulSpawn: "I'm a Sheep."
BoomFuzzy: "Aye. And stupid like one too. For all your book smarts and high intellect, ya ain't got no street smarts, ya ain't got no common sense. And ya don't know enough to not talk back to your Alpha."
GhoulSpawn: "I do not understand your Alpha hierarchy. We don't use it where I come from. And I'm an America. We don't have a king."
BoomFuzzy: "Your America is gone. It ceased to exist twenty thousand years ago. Look around you. This place, where we are right now. You would have called it Boston. {p} See anything you recognize? {p} Your world is two miles deep, below the roots of these thousand year old trees."
BoomFuzzy: "Your world is gone. if we can find a way to send you back, we will. {p} But I don't think it's possible. And for the time being you are stuck with us. You get leniency because I realize you don't understand your situation. {p} You're an Alpha. For some reason your Alpha soul has been repressed."
BoomFuzzy: "You're a powerful Alpha, I can smell it. But your soul is broken, crushed, repressed, so you act submissive like a Beta. But some day that Alpha in you is going to wake up, and I want you on my side when it does. {p} So I grant my Elf his request and let him keep you as his apprentice."
BoomFuzzy: "Don't take for granted, the fact that you sleep in my bed. {p} Cross me, and I won't think twice about making a shepherd's pie with your your flesh as the lamb chops."
Quaraun: "Unicorn? Are there any hamburgers made yet?"
BoomFuzzy: "There are. {p} You want one?"
Quaraun: "Yes. {p} They smell delicious. Can I have an entire plate?"
GhoulSpawn: "???"
BoomFuzzy: "You most certainly can. {p} I'll have one of my Goblins bring it in for you."
Quaraun: "Thank you! {p} Love you!"
BoomFuzzy: "Love you too, Love. Do you need anything else before I leave? Or you good here gossiping about me with the Goat?"
GhoulSpawn: "I'm a sheep."
BoomFuzzy: "Be glad you're not a hamburger, right now."
GhoulSpawn: "???...???"
Quaraun: "I'm good. {p} Oh! No. wait! {p} The kits have never had brains. They are very excited to taste their first brains..."
GhoulSpawn: "???"
Quaraun: "Unicorn? Are there any brains ready to eat yet?"
BoomFuzzy: "Not yet, Love. {p} It takes a few days to make 'em the way you like 'em. They have to soak in the marinade at least two or three days."
GhoulSpawn: "I'm confused..."
Quaraun: "About what?"
GhoulSpawn: "Uhm... about..."
BoomFuzzy: "I don't have time to chit chat. {p} I told the kids I was going to meet them at the judging tents."
BoomFuzzy: "I just came in to let you know I leaving the Goblins to run the food truck and heading to the food tents."
BoomFuzzy: "So if you need me, that's where I'll be for the next hour or two. And about a dozen or so of the kids are going to be there with me."
BoomFuzzy: "I should have the afternoon off, we can do something after that."
NARRATOR: "Without waiting for an answer, the King exited the tent, leaving Quaraun and GhoulSpawn alone again."
NARRATOR: "A few minutes later one of the King's Goblin souse chefs came trotting in, carrying a giant plate of hamburgers and gave it to Quaraun, who immediately set out to greedily eating them."
GhoulSpawn: "??? {p} ... uhm... {p} Quaraun?"
Quaraun: "Yep, that is my name."
GhoulSpawn: "Uhm... yeah... uhm... {p} Can I ask you a question?"
Quaraun: "Always, Glinta. I am here to teach you our ways."
GhoulSpawn: "Uhm... yeah... okay... {p} uhm... {p} I thought you were a vegetarian?"
Quaraun: "I am. {p} I am an Elf. {p} I never eat animals."
GhoulSpawn: "Uhm... do you not know what hamburger is?"
NARRATOR: "Quaraun stopped eating. {p} Stared at GhoulSpawn. {p} Stared at the hamburger. {p} Stared back at GhoulSpawn."
Quaraun: "Glinta, we are in a zombie apocalypse, and I am The Pink Necromancer!"
GhoulSpawn: "Uhm... {p} ??? {p} Okay? {p} But does that answer my question?"
Quaraun: "I think... {p} Yes... {p} Yes, it does.”
GhoulSpawn: “...”
Quaraun: “...”
GhoulSpawn: “Uhm... how... how exactly does that answer my question?”
Quaraun: “How does it not?”
GhoulSpawn: “I asked you if you knew what hamburgers were made out of. You who are a vegetarian, a very vocal animal rights activist vegetarian, and are right now scarffing down a dozen hamburgers, that BoomFuzzy just got done grilling out there.”
Quaraun: “Are the vendors gone?”
NARRATOR: “GhoulSpawn got up, looked out the ten flap, then returned to sit beside Quaraun again.”
GhoulSpawn: “Yep. Don’t see ‘em out here no more.”
Quaraun: “Well, then, that’s that.”
NARRATOR: “Quaraun returned to eating his plate of hamburgers.”
GhoulSpawn: “What’s what? Quaraun, you’re not making sense.”
Quaraun: “Where do you suppose the vendors went?”
GhoulSpawn: “I don’t know. Back to their sales booths?”
Quaraun: “You silly billy goat.”
GhoulSpawn: “I’m a Sheep.”
Quaraun: “It has not sunk in yet that we live in a zombie apocalypse, has it? {p} You do not understand what that means do you?"
GhoulSpawn: "Uhm... yeah... I keep forgetting I'm not in the 1970s anymore."
Quaraun "You are twenty-thousand years into the future of your 1970s era. {p} There are only seven million Humans left on the planet."
Quaraun: "The world is ruled by a Lich King. And we UnDead total twenty one billion."
GhoulSpawn: "Yes... that... that takes getting used to. {p} But I don't think it answers my question."
NARRATOR: "Quaraun stared blankly at GhoulSpawn, though his cold dead eyes, waiting as if he expected the Uruisg to understand what he had implied. But seeing that GhoulSpawn was oblivious to the norms of a zombie apocalypse he spoke again."
Quaraun: “Glinta, have you no understanding what happened to you when HellBorne attacked?”
GhoulSpawn: “No really. Most of the end there was kind of a blur. I think I got hit on the head pretty hard.”
Quaraun: “You were HellBorne’s apprentice, yes?”
GhoulSpawn: “I was. Until you killed him. And took everything he had, his lighthouse, his bio dome, including me, his apprentice.”
Quaraun: “Are you disappointed by this? {p} Were you not trying to escape from him?”
GhoulSpawn: “He was The Summoner of Darkness. That’s what he called himself. Believed he was going to usher in The Darkness.”
Quaraun: “And I am The Darkness he summoned.”
GhoulSpawn: “I know.”
Quaraun: “I do not belong in this world either, you know. None of us belong here. {p} HellBorne built portals all over the place. He was a powerful wizard. But not powerful enough. He knew how to open portals. {p} He brought you here from you timeline, and us here from ours.”
Quaraun: “He was going to use you to kill us. Except you can not kill what is already dead. He did not account for that. {p} Nor did he account for you turning on him and trying to save my life.”
GhoulSpawn: “What he was doing was wrong. He had to be stopped.”
Quaraun: “That is why Unicorn does not trust you. HellBorne trusted you and you became a traitor who turned on him. And he killed you for it.”
GhoulSpawn: “...”
Quaraun: “You spent a long time in The Swamp of Death. {p} I brought you back from here, just like I bought The Elf eater back from there.”
GhoulSpawn: “What does this have to do with hamburgers?”
Quaraun: “HellBorne was The Summoner of The Darkness, and I am The Darkness he summoned. {p} Before I can figure out how to send how to send you back to your correct timeline, I must figure out how to send, myself, my King, and his UnSeelie Court back to our correct timeline. {p} You are from the 1970s, Maine. I am from 800s Persia. And King Gwallmaiic is from 2525 Scotland. {p} And here all of us sit in 39,999 Boston.”
GhoulSpawn: “Okay. But what does this have to do with hamburgers?”
Quaraun: “Do you know why people of this time, referred to me as The Darkness?”
GhoulSpawn: “No.”
Quaraun: “When I was a child, only three years old, an older child from the Moon Elf Village, of Ivujivik, bullied me. {p} I turned around, pointed my finger, and said one word ‘DIE!’, and he very obediently did. {p} All the Elves became terrified of me. My father tried to kill me. He said I was Thullid possessed.”
GhoulSpawn: “Aren’t you?”
Quaraun: “Yes. But no one knew that then. {p} Several more Elflings from the village, went missing over the years after. I was blamed. {p} When I was 9, he tried to kill me again. My mother tried to stop him, and the rock that was meant for my head, shattered her skull instead.”
Quaraun: “But there was no brain in her head. A white JellyFish came out instead. {p} He went mad. Ripped my mother apart, then as the JellyFish tried to crawl away. Then he turned on the JellyFish, stamped her into the ground with his feet, till she was nothing but a pile of goo.”
Quaraun: “I saw the whole thing. Then he turned on me. About to do to me, what he had done to her. But The High Priest ZooLock entered the room just then, saw what was going on, grabbed me and ran. He fled the country, crossed the ocean, crossed the desert, all the way to Persia.”
Quaraun: “Then he changed my name from Rapunzel to Quaraun, made me pretend to be a boy, told people I was his son, and raised me with the Wizards of the Di’Jinn Order. And lived with them for decades. Until I was 75 years old, and a herd of black Shetland Ponies, arrived across the Desert of the Di’Jinn. Led by a tiny purple Unicorn with a gleaming silver horn. Phookas in disguise. The Elf Eater and his Army.”
Quaraun: “Humans from the marshes, tried to catch the Unicorn. They put out traps made of silver nets and one day they caught him. Broke his legs, sawed off his horn, and left him to die in the Tigris River. I nursed him back to health, and he swore he’d never eat me, the Elf who saved his life.”
Quaraun: “But then the Di’Jinn found out, and one day, they went down to the river before me and they killed all the horses. The Unicorn was still incapacitated by his injuries, and blind from old age. They tortured him. But kept him alive until I arrived. They wanted to kill him while I watched. But they did not know the obediently dead Elf children from so long ago.”
Quaraun: “I arrived at the river with food for the horse, but all the horses were dead, and the Unicorn lay in the sand with his throat slit and the Di’Jinn standing over him. Laughing. And telling me I was a fool, for being an Elf and helping The Elf Eater.”
Quaraun: “They raised their daggers to strike the final blow and kill the Unicorn. And I told them to die. And they did. Every last one of them. Except for ZooLock, who was not with them. They not only died, they vaporized. Their flesh turned to ash. Their blackened bones crumbled in the sand.”
Quaraun: “The Unicorn was terrified. And dying. I took him back to my tent, and mended his wounds. And after he recovered, I let him go. I was a female virgin then. According to legend, only the tears of a virgin can heal a Unicorn, and only a virgin can tame a Unicorn.”
GhoulSpawn: “That was BoomFuzzy.”
Quaraun: “Yes. It was several years before I saw him again. Gibedon, his second in command, was a traitor. He lusted for the throne. Married the King, then plotted to kill him and crown himself king.”
NARRATOR: “Quaraun pulled a severed head from his pink silk bag of holding.”
Quaraun: “But I found out what Gibedon was planning, and I loved the Unicorn, I was not going to let any one kill him. So I cut off Gibedon’s head.”
Quaraun: “When BoomFuzzy died, it was by his own hand. Three months after Gibedon’s death. BoomFuzzy loved Gibedon. BoomFuzzy was devastated by his husband’s treachery. He had been so in love with Gibedon, that he had not seen any of the warning signs of Gibedon’s plot to kill him.”
Quaraun: “BoomFuzzy was still alive when I found him. He made a corrosive poison and put it in his own food. I do not think he realized what it would do to him, or how long his would take him to die. It dissolved his organs. His heart. His lungs. He drowned in his own blood. But it took it three days to happened. He died in agony. I could not save him. He died in my arms.”
Quaraun: “I froze his body, then went looking for a way to bring him back. Every where I went, every one told me, magic was not real. But I knew t was. Because I knew if I could think people dead, I could think people alive too.”
Quaraun: “On the one hundredth anniversary of his death, the Elves all gathered for a big celebration. A huge party, celebrating one hundred years without the Elf Eater. His death brought them so much joy and it filled me with so much hate. And then it happened...”
Quaraun: “Shard Fall. The first one. Huge chunks of blue crystal, fell from the sky, and every Elf at the party, was skewered by them. Every Elf with a frozen crystal stabbed straight through their heart. And one went through BoomFuzzy’s ice casket freezer. And while they killed every one else. The crystal shard brought him back to life.”
Quaraun: “And then, all the dead rose up. Every man, woman, child, bird, beast, insect, even the dead trees walked out of the swamps, dead rose snapped to life out of vases, dinosaurs fossils walked out of museums, as did mummies, and they all came to me.”
Quaraun: “Every dead thing to ever die, twenty one billion dead things, woke up, and followed me.”
Quaraun: “And for the longest time, I did not know why.”
Quaraun: “I ate the Moon Elves. Every last one. I do not know why I ate them. It was not part of the plan. But seeing them there. So dead. There brains oozing out, so tasty. I ate them. And then I left the Moon Elf Village, and became a wandering merchant. {p} And every where I went the dead followed.”
Quaraun: “Every last Moon Elf died that day. All of them. {p} Do you know what that means?”
GhoulSpawn: “... {p} uhm {p} ... {p} that you’re insane like everyone says?”
Quaraun: “ALL the Moon Elves died that day. But only one walked out of the village. Me. After eating all the rest. And from that day forward, all the dead follow me. Every where I go.”
GhoulSpawn: “Uhm... sooo... {p} What does this have to do with hamburgers?”
Quaraun: “You wanted to know how I, a vegetarian came to eat hamburgers.”
GhoulSpawn: “Yep. That was my question. Still not sure how anything you just said, answered that though.”
Quaraun: “You are assuming that these grilled patties, slathered in ketchup, are made of cows. Yes?”
GhoulSpawn: “That’s usually what hamburgers are made out of, yeah.”
Quaraun: “These hamburgers are not made out of cows.”
GhoulSpawn: “Then what are they made out of?”
NARRATOR: “Quaraun glanced at the tent’s door flap where GhoulSpawn had just checked to see if the vendors were still tied up to BoomFuzzy’s chopping block, then shook his head.”
Quaraun: “Glinta, do you not know what I am?”
GhoulSpawn: “You’re a Moon Elf.”
Quaraun: “Yes, but the Moon Elves went extinct during the first Shard Fall. {p} ALL the Moon Elves died that day. {p} Glinta, what is my husband?”
GhoulSpawn: “A psychotic Faerie Chef turned King who likes to shapeshift into a Unicorn”
Quaraun: "Ah. I think I see the problem. {p} Glinta, I am the Sacred Pink JellyFish. I am a Thullid who lives in the hollowed out skull of this dead Elf's corpse. {p} ALL the Moon Elves are dead. Glinta. ALL of them. Even me."
GhoulSpawn: "..."
Quaraun: "My husband is the Lich King. That means he is dead too. Glinta. We are both dead. I am dead. My husband is dead. {p} We are zombies. Both of us. {p} We eat Humans. Because we are zombies, and eating Humans is what zombies do."
GhoulSpawn: "..."
Quaraun: "I am also a necromancer and I have summoned millions of zombies in a massive horde, to surround the entire outer perimeter of this region. {p} No one who enters the fairgrounds is able to leave."
Quaraun: "They will try of course, but my zombies have every road blocked off. And Boomie's Goblins are waiting. {p} No one who enters the fairgrounds is able to leave."
GhoulSpawn: "Uhm... so... {p} what... what... {p} What's the hamburger made out of again?"
Quaraun: "Humans."
GhoulSpawn: "Humans?"
Quaraun: "Humans. {p} Everyone who left the fairgrounds last night. {p} They're all dead."
GhoulSpawn: "Everyone?"
NARRATOR: "Quaraun went back to eating his hamburgers."
Quaraun: "Every last one. {p} There is such a huge turn out this year. {p} One of the best harvests we have ever had."
GhoulSpawn: "You're... eating... Human-burgers?"
Quaraun: "Bingo! {p} See? You can be taught in our ways."
GhoulSpawn: "You're cannibals?"
Quaraun: "Oh! No! I never eat Elves. {p} Well, not any more. I did eat the Moon Elves, but that was special circumstances."
GhoulSpawn: "What about Boomie?"
Quaraun: "What about him?"
GhoulSpawn: "Is he a cannibal?"
Quaraun: "He is The Elf Eater of Pepper Valley! {p} He is legendary for eating Elves. But he is not himself an Elf. He does not eat his own kind. He never eats Faeries."
GhoulSpawn: "But I thought... {p} He said... {p} Uhm... {p} He said it was just one family of Elves and there was like reasons and stuff..."
Quaraun: "He told you what he did BEFORE he died! {p} BEFORE he died, yes, it was just one family of Elves."
GhoulSpawn: "Oh... uhm..."
Quaraun: "Glinta, have you heard nothing either of us has ever said to you? {p} You have been living with us for three years now."
GhoulSpawn: "Has it been three years?"
Quaraun: "Yes. HellBorne killed you three years ago."
GhoulSpawn: "Killed me? {p} ... {p} I'm not dead."
Quaraun: "That is what we all think in the beginning. {p} When I ate the Moon Elves, I did not know I was dead. And after I ate them, I wandered with Shambling Dead for years, until I fell into The Swamp of Death, and BoomFuzzy was there and helped me to awaken from the mindless shambling.”
Quaraun: “Now I live again. I walk among the living, my flesh not rotted, my skin still beautiful. We are the living dead. Me. Unicorn. You. We are different from those long dead, because each of the three of us was flash frozen immediately up taking out last breath, and for some reason, whatever it is that causes other zombies to rot, become maggot infested, and have no will or thoughts of their own, for some reason, freezing immediately upon death, alters the zombification, makes us Liches.”
GhoulSpawn: “You’re saying I’m a Lich? Like, I knew BoomFuzzy was a Lich, and FarDarrig, and Harvey, and Satan Claws, and I think I kind of suspected you was some part Lich or something, but... uhm... you’re saying I’m a Lich too?”
Quaraun: “Yes. A Lich is a zombie that retains its life like appearance and can walk among the living undetected. {p} It is why I can not let you go out there with the zombie herds. {p} You will become a shambling mindless undead, like they are."
Quaraun: "I can not let that happen. {p} You are special."
GhoulSpawn: "I am?"
Quaraun: "Yes!"
Quaraun: "The High Priest ZooLock was there when you died, and he implanted a JellyFish in your skull seconds after HellBorne killed you. {p} He was quick enough that your brain activity was revived and absorbed by the JellyFish."
Quaraun: "You are a Thullid, just like me. {p} And thus you can never leave."
GhoulSpawn: "I'm dead?"
Quaraun: "Yes, Glinta. {p} We all are. {p} Everyone in The UnSeelie Court is dead. {p} You would not be able to travel with us if you were alive. {p} Why do you think the zombie herds travel behind us? {p} We are leading them into the Human settlements."
GhoulSpawn: "You're dead?"
Quaraun: "Glinta, I just told you. {p} I am the Sacred Pink JellyFish. {p} I am a Thullid who lives in the hollowed out skull of this dead Elf's corpse."
Quaraun: "The Elf named Quaraun died centuries ago. {p} I wear his body because he is beautiful. {p} Look at him! He is beautiful!"
GhoulSpawn: "You're a zombie... you're some kind of mutated intelligent zombie, wearing a dead Elf's skin as though he were a fur coat."
Quaraun: "YES! {p} FINALLY! You understand!"
GhoulSpawn: "That BoomFuzzy's also a zombie?"
Quaraun: "Glinta, do you not know what a Lich is?"
GhoulSpawn: "Uhm... I... uhm...oh... wait... I used to play table top role playing games, and Liches are usually wizards who commit suicide during a spell ritual that turned them into super intelligent zombies."
GhoulSpawn: "A Lich is a hyper intelligent zombie. {p} BoomFuzzy's a Lich. {p} That means BoomFuzzy is a zombie. {p} Why didn't I ever notice that before?"
Quaraun: "Glinta, I am The Pink Necromancer! All UnDead follow me! {p} My BoomFuzzy the Unicorn is King Gwallmaiic, Lich King of Fire Mountain. Liches are the Lords of the zombies. Ruler of the zombies."
GhoulSpawn: "Sooo... He's a zombie."
Quaraun: "A very intelligent zombie."
GhoulSpawn: "And the Goblins?"
Quaraun: "EVERYONE is the UnSeelie Court is DEAD. {p} You can not become a part of the UnSeelie Court UNLESS you first DIE!"
GhoulSpawn: "So, all the Goblins are zombies too?"
Quaraun: "Yes."
GhoulSpawn: "What exactly is the definition of a zombie?"
Quaraun: "A zombie is a dead thing that eats Human flesh, and especially has a taste for Human brain. Mmmm. Luscious."
NARRATOR: "GhoulSpawn was trying to think of both how to process this information and what questions he should think of to ask next, but just then Quaraun stood up and announced..."
Quaraun: "I need to pee."
GhoulSpawn: "Uhm…okay? {p} Is there a reason why you are telling me? Instead of, y'know, just getting up and going to the bathroom, like a normal person?"
Quaraun: "Do I look like a normal person to you?"
GhoulSpawn: "You're right. {p} Silly me for forgetting you, of all people, weren't normal, especially after just telling me you are a zombie."
Quaraun: "What is that supposed mean?"
GhoulSpawn: "I'm just agreeing with you, Quaraun."
Quaraun: "I hate Human bathrooms. {p} Plus I always have such a strong desire to kill every Human I see and just devour their brains, and we are trying to keep a low profile."
Quaraun: "Do you have any idea how hard it is to capture Humans once they realize their are zombies in their midsts? {p} They start driving spears and bullets through our brains, like they think that's going to do anything..."
GhoulSpawn: "Won't it?"
Quaraun: "Of course not. I do not have a brain, remember? {p} And neither, dear boy, do you. {p} You are one of us wither you want to believe it or not."
GhoulSpawn: "So all those times you said I couldn't go outside of the camp because it's a zombie apocalypse and I'd get killed... {p} you weren't talking about zombies eating me..."
GhoulSpawn: "You were suggesting Humans were going to shoot me in the head with a silver bullet?"
Quaraun: "Yes!"
GhoulSpawn: "But, if it doesn't hurt you, why would it hurt me?"
Quaraun: "Glinta, you've only been with us three years, the jellyfish has not had time to fully absorb ALL of your brain yet. {p} It takes about ten years for the process to complete."
Quaraun: "It was WHY I had to wait ten years before killing the first four children. {p} It was my first time trying to nurture a polyp, and they did not integrate into the Elflings' brains properly. {p} I loved my children, but I loved BoomFuzzy more."
GhoulSpawn: “You killed them. That’s what everyone says. You murdered your wife and children.”
Quaraun: “She was not my wife. She was my sister. The wedding was a scam. And I was a prisoner, locked in a tower, growing out my hair, so I could escape. In love with the blind Faerie King, who climbed my hair to reach the tower room at the top.”
Quaraun: “The stories people tell is a lie. Rapunzel in her tower. She was me. I was her!It is why I changed my name. What do the stories say? The stories say my mother stole radishes from a witch, and I was an only child, that the witch killed my parents and locked me in a tower. Then cut out the eyes of my prince charming. Then banished me to a desert, where I gave birth twins.”
Quaraun: “ {i} *sigh* {/i} “
Quaraun: “The truth, The Grand High Emperor favoured me and made me his heir. I was to be Queen over all the Elves.”
Quaraun: “My father shaved my head, locked me in the tower, had my sister pretend to be the heir, forced me to pretend to be a younger brother, forced us to marry, cut off my breasts so I would look more male, sliced my penis lengthwise in two so I could produce an heir out of their control, then her haram of five lovers were sent to the tower to rape me every night, until I became pregnant.”
Quaraun: “The first pregnancy was twin girls. Ruby and Sapphire. The second pregnancy was twin boys, Opal and Diamond.”
GhoulSpawn: “The four zombie children who follow us.”
Quaraun: “Yes. Ruby. The zombie child who made a deal with The RiverBoat Man Woman of Stix. She was the first zombie.”
Quaraun: “I loved my children. Mother loves all her children. Mother’s ever loving tentacles yearn for all her children.”
Quaraun: “My father and that vile evil she-Elf who locked me in that tower and hire those Elves to rape me. Imprisoned my whole pregnancy and then they took my children so as they were born. {p} That is the true story Rapunzel. Not the stupid fairy tales.”
Quaraun: “The pregnancy caused my hair to grow. It just grew and grew. Fourteen feet long. I’ve never cut it since. I loved my children. I did not want to kill them.”
Quaraun: “She took my babies and pretended they were hers, pretended she gave birth, raised them like they were hers. Flaunted them in front of me. Convinced everyone in the village that she was their mother and I was their father.”
Quaraun: “And she hated them. Despised them. Used them to spite me. Let me help in their care, so she could hurt me, my raising them to hate BoomFuzzy, to curse his name, to sing songs in praises of his death.”
Quaraun: “I could not be that person any more. After the first Shard Fall, I never used the name Rapunzel again. And I’ve lived as a male ever since.”
Quaraun: “I will never be Rapunzel again. She was weak. She not have the emotional strength to stand up for herself. I am not her any more. And I will never again be taken advantage of.”
Quaraun: “And I will never again hurt another child. {p} I regret so much killing them.”
Quaraun: “I could not take i any more. On the eve of the celebration of BoomFuzzy’s death, I gave them the same poisoned chocolates BoomFuzzy had used to kill himself, and when the poison overcame them with sleep, I cut out their hearts, before the poison had a chance to dissolve their organs as it had done BoomFuzzy’s.”
Quaraun: "I had to kill them and start over, which was terrible, because I loved those ones. They were so perfect.”
Quaraun: “I tried to bring them back. But they came back as rotting maggot filled shamblers. {p} They were not flawlessly lifelike and intelligent like my Unicorn. {p} I did not know about the flash freezing with Shard Fall Crystals back then."
GhoulSpawn: "You're like Dr. Frankingstien."
Quaraun: "YES! {p} You get it! {p} I took so much inspiration from Dr. Frankinstien's notes. {p} His secretary, Mary, was very thorough in her note taking."
GhoulSpawn: "You don't know that was a fiction novel, do you?"
Quaraun: "But, H.P.Lovecraft was much better at taking notes."
GhoulSpawn: "I'll bet. {p} I suppose it wouldn't do any good for me to tell you he was a fiction author too."
Quaraun: "You are my finest creation since Unicorn. {p} We MUST protect you from the Humans. {p} They must never damage your perfect brain or all my work will be for nothing!"
GhoulSpawn: "I can defiantly see why every one calls you Quaraun {i} the Insane {/i} instead of just Quaraun or even The Pink Necromancer."
Quaraun: "I need to pee"
GhoulSpawn: "Okay. {p} Is there something you want me to do about it? {p} I don't get why you are telling me. {p} Do you need help with it or something?"
Quaraun: "I need to pee, and I am so hungry for Human brains right now. {p} I need you to go with me to make sure I do not blow our cover by eating a Human on my way to the bathroom."
GhoulSpawn: "Okay. But, I'm not sure what good I'll be."
Quaraun: "Humans ask questions."
GhoulSpawn: "Yep, they do that for sure."
Quaraun: "You are not understanding me."
GhoulSpawn: "Uhm… {p} … {p} ??? {p} … {p} ...okay? {p} I kind of don't know whatcha want me to understand."
Quaraun: "Come with me. {p} You shall see."
NARRATOR: "A few moments later, Quaraun and GhoulSpawn stood outside the campground's public restrooms. {p} There were two wooden buildings. {p} One marked {i} Bucks {/i} , the other marked {i} Does {/i} ."
NARRATOR: "Each building looked to have four or five toilets as was typical of restroom buildings at most campgrounds found throughout New England. {p} Between the two buildings stood a little guard house. A fairgrounds security guard sat in a lawn chair casually reading a book."
Quaraun: "See?"
GhoulSpawn: "Uhm… I'm not sure what it is I'm suppose to be noticing here. {p} It just looks like an ordinary rest stop. {p} What are you wanting me to see?"
Quaraun: "Watch."
NARRATOR: "Quaraun walked up to a bathroom door, and just as he reached for the doorknob, immediately the security grabbed his arm."
Officer: "You can not go in there."
Quaraun: "Why not?"
Officer: "This is the woman's bathroom. {p} Men's is over there."
Quaraun: "I need THIS bathroom."
Officer: "I'm sorry sir, but there are rules…"
Quaraun: "Fuck your rules. {p} I need to pee and I want to eat your brain! {p} Unhand me you filthy Beta!"
GhoulSpawn: "Uhm…Quaraun? {p} Maybe just use the other bathroom?"
Quaraun: "Can you see the problem, NOW?"
GhoulSpawn: "I…uhm… yeah… but isn't the solution just to use the other bathroom?"
Quaraun: "Men's bathrooms are not equipped with the hygiene products that I need. {p} I have not had bottom surgery. I still have a vagina! I need the hygiene products in the female bathroom. {p} They only put them in the women's bathroom."
Officer: "...???... {p} What's going on here?"
GhoulSpawn: "He's pregnant."
Officer: "What… {p} how… {p} what?"
GhoulSpawn: "It's complicated. {p} Uhm... damn is is more complicated then I thought."
Officer: "You transgender?"
Quaraun: "I am not…"
GhoulSpawn: "He's intersex."
Quaraun: "That's not…"
GhoulSpawn: "It's the easiest way to explain it to a Human, in words they will actually understand."
Quaraun: "I am an Omega."
Officer: "What's that?"
GhoulSpawn: "Hermaphrodite. {p} It means hermaphrodite. He means he's a…"
Officer: "So, what, you like, got both…"
Quaraun: "Dick, balls, vagina, uterus, ovaries, and right now, at least a half dozen kits kicking my bladder."
Officer: "Kits? What's a kit?"
GhoulSpawn: "Babies. {p} A whole litter of them. He’s like a JellyFish Rabbit Hybrid thing so he gives birth to huge litters of kits, like a rabbit does... {p}... boy am I realizing how crazy I sound saying that... what kind of a world am I even in?
Officer: “He's pregnant…”
GhoulSpawn: “Yes.”
Officer: “Are you the father?”
GhoulSpawn: “God, I hope not. His husband tried to cut my head off last time I got him pregnant!”
Officer: “You got him pregnant before?”
GhoulSpawn: “Yes.”
Officer: “And his husband tried to kill you because of it?”
GhoulSpawn: “Yes.”
Officer: “And you didn’t learn your lesson, so he might be pregnant by you again?”
GhoulSpawn: “Uhm... {p} ... {p} you’re right. I’m stupid. He’s insane...”
Quaraun: “I am not insane.”
GhoulSpawn: “...and his husband’s crazy! I don’t know why I’m sleeping with either of them. What is wrong with me?”
Quaraun: “Alpha pheromones do that. Everyone wants to have sex with my husband. He has the most aphrodisiac pheromones of any Alpha on the planet...”
Officer: “What’s an Alpha?”
Quaraun: “...and he has two penises.”
GhoulSpawn: “... uhm… Quaraun? Do you know who the father is?"
Quaraun: "Possibly you. These kits kick like they got hooves."
GhoulSpawn: "Great. BoomFuzzy's gonna kill me."
Quaraun: "You sound horrified."
GhoulSpawn: "I am. {p} BoomFuzzy hasn't forgiven me yet for the last time I got you pregnant."
Quaraun: "Maybe the solution would be to stop getting me pregnant."
GhoulSpawn: "You say that like it's all my fault."
Quaraun: "If you got me pregnant, then it is most certainly, fully and entirely all your fault."
GhoulSpawn: "It takes two people to get one person pregnant, Quaraun."
Quaraun: "Which is why I do not know if you or Unicorn is the father. You both like being in me at the same time. And that is three penises inside of me at once, because he has got two penises…"
GhoulSpawn: "I…uhm…no…that's not what I meant, Quaraun …uhm… do you really not know how it is you keep getting pregnant?"
Quaraun: "If it ain't your fault it is Unicorn's fault."
GhoulSpawn: "What about you?"
Quaraun: "What about me?"
GhoulSpawn: "You don't see how your being pregnant is your own fault?"
Quaraun: "Why would it be my fault?"
GhoulSpawn: "You don't understand how it is you keep getting pregnant do you?"
Quaraun: "I understand that you and Unicorn both spend every possible waking minute you can find sticking your dicks inside of me, all three of them, and I end up pregnant every time you do."
Quaraun: "I also understand that I need to pee out that very same hole and am going to pee on these steps if this Human does not let me go inside to pee in the toilet."
NARRATOR: "Soon, on the other side of fairgrounds, the pickle judging was going on…"
BoomFuzzy: "You want a pickle to judge!?! {p} I'll give ya a pickle to judge! {p} I'll give ya two pickles to judge…"
Child/Daughter 1: "Daddy, NO!"
Child/Son 1: "No. We don't flash the judges. Keep your kilt on!"
Child/Daughter 2: "You promised. Remember? We talked about this before we arrived."
Child/Son 2: "You promised you wouldn't flash the judges this year."
BoomFuzzy: "FUCK THEM! {p} Fuck all the fucking Humans in this fucking festival to fucking Hell! {p} I'll make sure every one of you is fucking sandwich before the end of the day!"
NARRATOR: "Just then, Quaraun and GhoulSpawn arrived at the judging tent…"
GhoulSpawn: "But if you are a zombie, then how can you get pregnant, and are your kids zombies, and how do you need to pee, like why would zombies need to pee..."
GhoulSpawn: "!!! {p} Uh oh! {p} I hear BoomFuzzy yelling."
Child/Daughter 3: "Papa! {p} Daddy's having a fit."
Quaraun: "I can hear that. {p} What's going on?"
Child/Son 3: "They won't let us enter any of the food contests."
Quaraun: "Why not?"
Child/Daughter 4: "They said on account of him being a professional chef, owning his own restaurant, having his TV cooking shows, having all those Michelin stars, and writing cookbooks..."
Child/Son 4: "...and being here as a retailer with his food truck, makes him overqualified…"
Child/Daughter 5: "They said it's only for amateur home chefs, not professional chefs."
Child/Son 5: "And at first he was like okay with that, and he started gathering up his entries, was just gonna take them back to the food truck and sell them..."
Child/Daughter 6: "...but then they took all our stuff out of the judging too…"
Quaraun: "Yours? Why yours? What did you do?"
Child/Son 6: "Nothing! I swear! We didn't do nothing!"
Child/Daughter 7: "They said on account of us being his children, we don't count as amateur home cooks because we all had him to professionally train us how to cook."
Child/Son 7: "Even though ain't none of us had any schooling..."
Child/Daughter 8: "They said it don't matter on account of him being the one who taught us how to cook, they said it counts as professional level schooling."
Child/Son 8: "Yeah, and he just had a total meltdown on them, because he said it was unfair for them to punish us just because he's our father."
Child/Son 1: "Papa, Daddy's mooning the judges, do something before Daddy gets arrested again."
Quaraun: "I shall pee on them!"
GhoulSpawn: "Wait, what, no! Get back here! {p} Quaraun, you can't pee on the judges!"
Quaraun: "Yes, I can. {p} I most certainly am able to. {p} My bladder is already full again."
GhoulSpawn: "No, that's not what I meant! You'll both get arrested again! {p} Quaraun I don't want a spend another night breaking you two out of jail again, I didn't get any sleep last night because of it!"
NARRATOR: “Just then, BoomFuzzy noticed Quaraun and GhoulSpawn had arrived.”
BoomFuzzy: “Love, why are ya covered in blood?”
Quaraun: “I ate a police officer.”
BoomFuzzy: “Ah. Refused to give you ya moon fruit back?”
Quaraun: “No. Refused to let me pee in the woman’s toilet.”
GhoulSpawn: “I tried to stop him.”
BoomFuzzy: “How? By hiding under a rock? We are supposed to be keeping a low profile here.”
BoomFuzzy: "Love, gather up the children, we'll take them to the arcades after I drop this food back off at my food truck."
Narrator: "Quaraun was already fussing over the children, so had not needed to be told."
BoomFuzzy: "Ghoulie, help me load this stuff back into the crates."
GhoulSpawn: "On it."
BoomFuzzy: "JellyBeans, try to keep a low profile. No more eating police officers, yeah?"
Quaraun: "I shall try. But I promise nothing."
GhoulSpawn: "Is what you're doing keeping a low profile?"
BoomFuzzy: "The low profile needs to be kept by HIM, not me. {p} I am a reality show tv chef; the Humans know what to expect of me. {p} And I give them exactly that."
BoomFuzzy: "I am BoomFuzzy the Unicorn. Entertainer. {p} HE is The Pink Necromancer, bringer of the apocalypse, where he walks, zombies follow."
GhoulSpawn: "Where he walks insanity follows. {p} He just ate a police officer and you act like that's normal!"
BoomFuzzy: "It IS normal! Why do you think I need you to help him stay out of trouble?"
GhoulSpawn: "You were just flashing the food judges."
BoomFuzzy: " ... {p} ... {p} GhoulSpawn, do you even know who I am?"
GhoulSpawn: "A crazy Faerie King who wears a kilt so he flash every one?"
BoomFuzzy: "Have you ever even SEEN my show?"
GhoulSpawn: "No."
BoomFuzzy: "You know I'm a porn star, right?"
Ghoulsawn: "I suppose that would explain why you have so much trouble keeping your cloths on, but, no, I was not aware of that."
BoomFuzzy: "Have you encountered any of my fans yet, this weekend?"
GhoulSpawn: "Oh yeah... a lot of them... everywhere. Quaraun's been trying to strangle all of them. Largely on the account of they all seem to do the same thing."
BoomFuzzy: "Which is?"
GhoulSpawn: "Throw their bras at you while asking you to sign their boobs. I've never seen anything like it, and it's got Quaraun on edge so bad."
BoomFuzzy: "It is not a random oddball request on the part of these women."
GhoulSpawn: "I had noticed it doesn't faze you at all."
BoomFuzzy: "I'm known for my lewd talk and perverted behaviour on my extremely not safe for work cooking show, which often features woman in the the live studio audience throwing their bras and panties at me from the audience. {p} In fact, I encourage this sort of behaviour, with my frequent habit of inviting the women onto the stage, so I could sign their bared breasts on live tv."
GhoulSpawn: " ... {p} Does Quaraun know that?"
BoomFuzzy: "Quaraun watches my show. A show that I was making, before he was even born. He knew who I was and what I do, when he married me."
GhoulSpawn: "I thought you were a TV chef."
BoomFuzzy: "I am."
GhoulSpawn: "I'm confused."
BoomFuzzy: "You should watch my show some time. You'll be less confused."
GhoulSpawn: "So when you say we need to keep a low profile, you mean, Quaraun?"
BoomFuzzy: "Yes."
GhoulSpawn: "Not you."
BoomFuzzy: "No. Not me."
GhoulSpawn: "Why not you? Why don't you have to keep a low profile too?"
BoomFuzzy: "I am the distraction. Humans keep all eyes on me, and they don't see what my Goblins are doing."
GhoulSpawn: "What are your Goblins doing?"
BoomFuzzy: "Gathering the harvest. Have you never seen a Siren?"
GhoulSpawn: "A what?"
BoomFuzzy: "A siren. Lonely fisherman on the shore, hears beautiful singing and follows it, and there on the beach, lay a beautiful MerMaid, big perky breasts on display. And he runs to her aid, to stroke her breasts, but she leaps up and swims into the ocean. And jumps in after her. She swims towards the island, that he doesn't notice wasn't there a moment agaon. The faster the island swims away, the faster she follows, the faster he follows..."
BoomFuzzy: "...and when he is so far away from the show, that he can not swim back, for he has swum so long, so far, and is so very tired... the MerMaid goes limp, for she was never alive, and the island rises up out of the water, not an island at all, but a huge angler fish, with a long floppy antenna on it's head, the Mermaid just a fleshy apedage, a lovely big breasted lure. And the last thing the fisherman sees is the long sharp fangs of the giant angler fish, as it eats him."
GhoulSpawn: " ... {p} You're saying that's what a Siren really is?"
BoomFuzzy: "Aye."
GhoulSpawn: "Annnd... you're saying that's your job here? You're the anglerfish luring people... why... exactly?"
BoomFuzzy: "I'm the well hung double dicked angler fish. I'm'a Unicorn. Have you forgotten that? I'm literally hung like a horse. Twice."
GhoulSpawn: "You are that. But I don't see what that had to do..."
BoomFuzzy: "I am often called The Naked Chef by my fans, as I am known to cook while wearing absolutely nothing but a purple sequin g-string, while my spring break bikini wearing stripper fans scream and swoon."
GhoulSpawn: "I suppose that would explain why come home from work wearing nothing but sequin bikinis. {p} ...so... your cooking show is what... porn chef cooks lunch?"
BoomFuzzy: "Essentuall. Yes. I star in a bizarre, porn filled cooking show. The fact of the matter is, I am nothing short of a porn star, a thing I already was before Quaraun had even met me, let alone married me"
BoomFuzzy: "But this did not stop Quaraun from being filled with raging thoughts of murder, every time he comes face to face with my adoring fans. And... Unfortunately, my Boom Fans have a nasty habit of going missing, then turning up a few weeks later as shambling undead zombies. {p} And while every one knows The Pink Necromancer is killing off my groupies, there is no one on the planet brave enough to stand up to The Pink Necromancer."
GhoulSpawn: "So when you say 'keep a low profile', what you really mean is keep Quaraun occupied so he doesn' flip out when he sees your fans throwing their bras at you."
BoomFuzzy: "Exactly."
GhoulSpawn: "Because you don't want him killing your fans."
BoomFuzzy: "I did not say that."
GhoulSpawn: "uhm... {p} ... what?"
Boomfuzzy: "I don't mind him killing my fans. He's just no stealthy about it. He does it too publicly."
GhoulSpawn: "Uhm... {p} ... {p} ...???... {p} Uhm... could you explain that last part to me? I feel like I missed something."
BoomFuzzy: "Humans tened to forget the old rule which states: {p} {b} One must never accept food from Faeries {/b}. The fact that the King of the UnSeelie Court is also the Faerie Chef of the highest rated tv show on the planet, never crosses anyone's minds.."
BoomFuzzy: "Likewise, no one ever notices that events like this week's festival, typically end in a bloodbath, with the super villian evil due working hand in hand, as The Pink Necromancer mass murders the entire crowd, while I the Faerie chef cook the Humans into lovely meat pies, which they are currently refusing to judge, after I stayed up all night butchering vendors to make them..."
GhoulSpawn: "Those are..."
BoomFuzzy: "Shepherd's Pies, made from fresh shepherds. Harvested from that field over there, last night. {p} Oh! By the way. I found you a new flock of sheep. They're rather shepardless at the moment. I thought you'd like to add them to your herd. {p} Never say I don't think of you GhoulSpawn. I know how much Urisigs like rescuing sheep herds from evil Humans who would eat them."
GhoulSpawn: "Those pies are made out of Humans?"
BoomFuzzy: "Aye."
GhoulSpawn: "Like the hamburgers from this morning?"
BoomFuzzy: "Aye."
GhoulSpawn: "Why?"
BoomFuzzy: "We are The UnSeelie Court."
GhoulSpawn: "Meaning?"
BoomFuzzy: "Eating Humans is what we do."
GhoulSpawn: "So the Harvest you all keep talking about..."
BoomFuzzy: "We are harvesting Humans to serve to the UnSeelie Court at our feasts in the underground. Once we move into the mountain, into the cave system seven miles below the surface, there will be no more vegetation growing. We eat plants when we live on the surface. But the subterranean fungi is not enough to sustain us for the three years of Shard Fall, so we bring stores of meat with us, which we gather at these festivals."
GhoulSpawn: "And your tv show is the lure, that brings in crowds..."
BoomFuzzy: "I am BoomFuzzy the Double Dicked Unicorn. And I am very good at getting straight women and gay men alike dancing Pied Piper style right into my gingerbread house just like a whole of Hansel and Gretels, onto the stage in my tv show studio kitchen, and straight into the oven to be baked in pies, before anyone realized they was lusting after The Elf Eater of Pepper Valley, King Gwallmaiic of The UnSeelie Court, Lich Lord of Fire Mountain."
GhoulSpawn: "Uhm... {p} ... {p} ... do you cook people on live tv?"
BoomFuzzy: "But of course!"
GhoulSpawn: "How do you get away with that?"
Boomfuzzy: "I own the Network."
GhoulSpawn: "Oh. Right. I forgot. {p} ... {p} Wait, do you just call people up on the stage out of the audience, and they just jump in the oven on live tv?"
BoomFuzzy: "Aye."
GhoulSpawn: "Willingly?"
BoomFuzzy: "Aye."
GhoulSpawn: "Do they know they are actually going to die?"
BoomFuzzy: "No. They think it's an act. They expect to roll out the back of a fake oven and get some grand prize. A new car. A new kitchen."
GhoulSpawn: "Why would they expect that?"
BoomFuzzy: "Well, because sometimes they do. In between ad breaks, at least once every episode, stages hands roll the oven off stage, bring in a fake oven, and pouf, we have a winner! A million dollars, a new car, a trip to the South Pacif, all new kitchen, best appliances, all autographed by me, all my cookbooks, also all autographed by me, a years supply of food, made by me... there's a winner every episode."
GhoulSpawn: "You give out a million dollars every time? Can you afford that?"
BoomFuzzy: "You do know I own a dragon, right?"
GhoulSpawn: "I kind of forgot that. {p} ... {p} Wait... so you kill people and cook on live TV and you get away with it, because every episode there's a winner, who gets a huge prize that Humans think is worth risking their lives for, all because you dance around naked on tv showing off that you have two penises?"
BoomFuzzy: "Having two penises, just gives me advantages over Humans that no one can explain. Only thing hornier then a horny double dicked Unicorn, is Humans awe struck by the existence of a man with two penises."
GhoulSpawn: "But you're a shapeshifter. You don't naturally have two penises."
BoomFuzzy: "Humans don't know that. I'm also not a Unicorn. I'm a Phooka. But there's better marketing in saying I'm a Unicorn."
GhoulSpawn: "But Why?"
BoomFuzzy: "Why what?"
GhoulSpawn: "Why lure Humans to a tv studio to be cooking in an oven in a gingerbread house?"
BoomFuzzy: "Revenge."
GhoulSpawn: "Revenge?"
BoomFuzzy: "Aye."
GhoulSpawn: "For what?"
BoomFuzzy: "Gretel killed my grandmother by pushing her in an oven."
GhoulSpawn: " ... "
GhoulSpawn: " ... "
GhoulSpawn: " Uhm... "
GhoulSpawn: " ... "
GhoulSpawn: "Can ... can... can you say that again? "
BoomFuzzy: "Gretel killed my grandmother by pushing her in an oven."
GhoulSpawn: "That's what I thought I heard you say."
BoomFuzzy: "Gretel pushed me grandmother into the oven. {p} I puts Humans into the oven. {p} Gretel thought she killed the witch. {p} I spends me life demonstrating that she did not kill the entire family."
GhoulSpawn: " Uhm... so... you're... you're like saying the Hansel and Gretel story is real. And your grandmother was the witch, and your gingerbread house... is that... it that like the real actual Hansel and Gretal gingerbread house?"
BoomFuzzy: "It is. My grandmother built it."
GhoulSpawn: "Wait. You're saying your grandmother was literally the witch?"
BoomFuzzy: "Aye."
GhoulSpawn: "And Gretel killed her?"
BoomFuzzy: "Aye."
GhoulSpawn: "And you built your cooking show around Hansel and Gretel?"
BoomFuzzy: "Aye."
GhoulSpawn: "And the gingerbread house is the actual gingerbread house?"
BoomFuzzy: "Aye."
GhoulSpawn: "And you lure Humans into it?"
BoomFuzzy: "Aye."
GhoulSpawn: "...Dude."
BoomFuzzy: "What?"
GhoulSpawn: "That is probably the most elaborate revenge plot in the history of civilization."
BoomFuzzy: "Thank ye."
GhoulSpawn: "I wasn't complimenting you."
BoomFuzzy: "I know."
Quaraun: "No. You are overlooking the most important portion."
GhoulSpawn: "What?"
Quaraun: "Gretel pushed the old woman into the oven."
GhoulSpawn: "Yeah."
Quaraun: "Therefore, BoomFuzzy is entitled to push Gretel's descendants into ovens."
GhoulSpawn: "...That's not how historical justice works."
Quaraun: "It is how Faerie justice works."
BoomFuzzy: "See? JellyBeans gets it."
Quaraun: "I GOT IT!"
BoomFuzzy: "Eh? Don't let the children catch it too, eh, Love."
Quaraun: "I shall disguise myself as a pumpkin."
BoomFuzzy: "A pumpkin?"
Quaraun: "Yes! I shall be a giant pink pumpkin!"
BoomFuzzy: A pink one at that, even."
Quaraun: "Yes! It shall work splendidly!"
BoomFuzzy: "For what?"
Quaraun: "Keeping a low profile."
BoomFuzzy: "As a ... pumpkin?"
Quaraun: "Yes!"
BoomFuzzy: "Why?"
Quaraun: "So the Humans shall not recognise me."
BoomFuzzy: "Everyone knows yer a silly pink pumpkin, JellyBeans."
Quaraun: "They shall think I am an unusually large pink pumpkin."
BoomFuzzy: "There are no pink pumpkins."
Quaraun: "That is why it shall work."
BoomFuzzy: "Aye. Brilliant. Go hide in the pumpkin patch."
Quaraun: "You are mocking me."
BoomFuzzy: "Never, love. If it let's us get work done, you have my permision to go sit your arse in a pumpkin patch for the rest of the festival."
Boom Fan: “Oh my god, it’s BoomFuzzy! SIGN MY BOOBS!”
Quaraun: “GET AWAY FROM MY HUSBAND YOU FUCKING SLUTS! I AM GOING TO KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU WHORES!!”
BoomFuzzy: “STOP KILLING ALL MY FANS YOU CRAZY YANDERE IDIOT!!”
 The Pink Necromancer, Quaraun the Insane, with his husband King Gwallmaiic aka BoomFuzzy the Unicorn Elf Eater of Pepper Valley, Lich Lord of Fire Mountain, walking on Noodle Beach...heights wrong, Quaraun is much taller then BoomFuzzy. BoomFuzzy is only 5'1" tall, but lore states BoomFuzzy can change his height at will, and that 5'1" is simply the height he "usually" is because it makes him seem less threatening and easier to lure victims to him. |
Does it feel like omega verse to you? I don't know as I'm still uncertain what omega verse even is.
|
Quaraun and BoomFuzzy by a campfire...and yes, I made these with ChatGPT5.6 |
Quaraun and BoomFuzzy at Mechanic's Park, by Pepperell Mill's North Damn Mill Smokestack, in Biddeford, Maine aka known as Pepper Valley in the Quaraun books |
Quaraun after he got his foot stuck in a crab trap and BoomFuzzy laughing at him and giving him a lobster roll. |
 The Pink Necromancer, Quaraun the Insane, with his husband King Gwallmaiic aka BoomFuzzy the Unicorn Elf Eater of Pepper Valley, Lich Lord of Fire Mountain, walking on Noodle Beach...heights corrected, though tiny, at 5'6" Quaraun is much taller then BoomFuzzy. BoomFuzzy is only 5'1" tall, but lore states BoomFuzzy can change his height at will, and that 5'1" is simply the height he "usually" is because it makes him seem less threatening and easier to lure victims to him. |
 The Pink Silk Tent and BoomFuzzy's Dragon Form |
Since I have gotten a lot of questions asking "Is there a sample story I can read to see what the series is like before buying the paperbacks?"
Yes, yes there is. In fact, almost all of the short stories are available free to read right here on Space Dock 13 (eelkat.com)
If you want to read only one, and want the one that best represents the entire series as a whole, one that shows you the 3 main characters' personalities best, shows how transgender characters are presented, shows how MPreg is presented, shows the children and family life dynamics, shows you how sweet romance and fluff are handled, shows how the Fae King deals with problems in his court, shows how the family interacts with their servants and handmaids, shows the setting including the zombies, and shows the overall tone and genre of the series…Pink Sheep, Cheesy Burritos, and The Grim Reality of Zombies is the single best, one stop, story that gives you a taste of pretty much everything all in a single story… this here is the story you want to read, if you are not sure whether or not you want to read the rest of the series and just want one story that'll give you enough info about the series to help you decide if it's the sort of thing you will like or not... it's free to read, 4,987 words, and it'll take you 30 minutes to an hour to read depending on your personal reading speed:
But also, let's address the Erotica question, seeing how people like to show up in my driveway to yell at me accusing my books of being Erotica.
Are my books Erotica? No.
My books do not contain sex scenes.
Are my books Horror? (another thing they've been accused of). No.
My books do not contain gore scenes, jump scenes, or any of the scenes common to Horror.
My books are Dark Urban Fantasy, set in a Dystopian CyberPunk Far Future on a planet with sapient AI, space travel, and an active zombie apocalypse going on.
My series is not Medival or European either, which for reason some people thought it was, because as one reader put it: "I was reading along for four volumes, thinking this was a Lord of the Rings type setting, until I got to the part where one guy drives up in a food truck and starts talking about his tv show..." Uhm... year... there's nothing in my series to indicate it is NOT a cyberpunk world. The main character had bionic prothetic hands, and is married to a blind man who wears AI powered VR Googles that give him constant readouts allowing him to "see" where he is walking. All three main characters are car collectors who drive cars; one main character have a hover bot drone following him around all the time. Cyborgs and androids are a common thing. They buy food out of vending machines. They carry laser guns, rays guns, and plasma guns... no, it's not Medival. Also it's set in Maine.
But back to Erotica.
People who hate Erotica have a serious issue with showing up in my yard to give me hell, drag me out of my wheelchair, and throwing my wheelchair out into the road into oncoming traffic, while accusing my books of being Erotica... and seeing how erotica haters are making this a monthly habit for several years now, I think it needs to be addressed.
Are my books Erotica? No.
My books do not contain sex scenes.
Calling my books lewd and crude, sure.
Lewd? Yes.
Crude? Oh hell yes.
But Erotica? Oh my god, laughing my ass off and rolling out the door!
You do know that erotica requires penieses bouncing around inside vaginas, squirting all over the place, right? Do you even KNOW what erotica is? Clearly, if you call my books Erotica, you have been living under a rock, and honey, heaven help you, if you think what I write is Erotica, because, someday you will come across something that actually is erotica, and you are gionna be mind blown so fucking out of your gourd... and THEN you'll understand WHY people called you a prude while laughing at you, and honey, believe me, people ARE laughing at you, when you tell the my books are Erotica, and they are laughing because they know how much of an idiot you are.
Erotica is a specific genre, that contains both romance and sex scenes... a lot of sex scenes, sex scenes every chapter, erotica is sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex,... take a break from sex to have some romance, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, a couple lines of dialogue, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex...... I highly recommend you read Cum4BigFoot by Virgina Wade, and THEN come back to me, and tell me you STILL think my books are anything even remotely close to Erotica....heck, go read or watch Game of Thrones... Game of Thrones contains about 1/16th the amount of sex, a typical Erotica book has. And my books contain about 1/1,968,000th less sex then Game of Thrones does. I know this because in over 4k published stories spanning over FORTY MILLION published words... there are exact 16 sex scenes, spending a grand total of under 900 words total, in my books... verses, Game of Thrones average 3 sex per chapter, per volume, of every book in the series, and even THAT doesn't have enough sex to count as Erotica.
You forget... a sailor can yell fuck in a bar, and that's JUST him SAYING the word "fuck"... and saying the word "fuck" does not count as a sex scene.
And yes, my books DO make liberal use of the fucking word fuck used a fucking hellof a fucking lot... but me typing the word fuck five times in a sentence does NOT means there are five sex scenes in that sentence. And when you show up in my driveway, carrying signs, and and yelling at the cars going by my yard, screaming "eelKat lives here, boycott the fucking nasty bitch erotic writer" like you've done several times now... all you are doing is making a fool of yourself on several level... because one: Miss Citten The Eel Kat, Empress of Planet Ptarmagin, is a fictional character, a talking black cat who raises 100 foot long Space eels... and that you call me, Wendy Christine Allen, the name of one of my characters, instead of using my name, well, that alone tells me you don't have enough brain cells to tell the deference between the author and her characters... but then you also prove your own insanity by called my 1964 Dodge 330 haunted as well, so I suppose I can't expect you to have enough brain cells to call me by my name... but also... more the twenty seven thousand people whom have read my books, live in a fourteen mile radius of my driveway, and so they, my neighbours, are well aware, the lack of sex in my books, so they are also aware, you're an idiot for calling my books Erotica.
I've never denied that my books were crude and my characters lusty and foul mouthed, swearing, and yes they talk about penises a lot, but, really, you're standing in a driveway in Biddeford, hon... open your ears... EVERY man, woman, and child in Biddeford, talks like that. Watch the 5 year old kindergarteners on the corner waiting for the school bus, listen to how those toddlers greet each other:
Five year old 1: "You fucking bring your beeny baby to class, fuck dude are you a fucking baby?"
Five year old child 2: "Fucking hell yeah, I'm bringing my fucking beeany baby to fucking class, and I'm fucking telling my fucking bitch teacher you were fucking bitching at me and fucking saying I fucking couldn'yt!"
Five Year old child 3: "Hey! Fuck! I can't play after school today, I got a new social worker."
Five year old 1: "Another one? Fuck!"
Five year old child 3: "Fuck."
Five year old child 2: "Fuck!"
Five year old child 1: "Fuvk, man, what happen to the last two?"
Five year old child 3: "Fucking bitches they fucking were."
Five year old child 1: "Yeah, both my social workers are fucking bitches too."
Also, I have this conversation on video... it happened on Peasron's Lane, just off Bacon Street, in front of Mechanics Park. They did it while I was waiting to cross the road and my wheelchair cam caught the whole thing... my wheelchair can has caught THOUSANDS of conversations like this all over Biddeford.
Children in Biddeford talk like that, because their parents talk like that, as do their teachers, and theirr social workers, and their friends and family, and neighbours.
Welcome to Biddeford.
EVERYONE in Biddeford talks like that.
And the bulk of my series IS set in Biddeford, Maine.... you know, that city you are standing in with your sign.
You might want to get off your high horse, crawl out from under whatever rock you've been living under, and take a good long look around you at how real people, in the real world, off line, and outside of your white trash church, actually act, actually talk, and actually are. Because you're living in a whitewashed fantasy land if you think real people out on the real streets don't say the word fuck!
You might want to get to know the local culture here in Biddeford, Saco, and Old Orchard Beach, because you start waving your signs around too much, because, while YOU may be too stupid to know that a character saying "fuck" is not a sex scene, rest assured, all the people in this city are laughing their asres of that you think a character yelling "fuck" counts as a sex scene. This entire town fucking, says fuck, more times a fucking day, then well... clearly you've ever heard in your life.
Welcome to Maine. We fucking say fuck a lot here. Welcome to Biddeford and Old Orchard Beach, Maine's two sister honky tonk towns where we fucking say fuck a fucking hellofa lot more then the whole fucking rest of the fucking state of Maine combined.
So don't your come up here from your fucking lower 48 and try to bring your snot nosed prissyness here.
We Native Mainers, we don't like it.
If you have issue with what I write? Don't read it. You clearly ain't my target auduance, so who the fuck gives a shit what you think?
I ain't bothering you, and sure as hell don't have the right to be trespassing on my land.
I don't care if you don't liker me books... but I do care that your stalk bitch of an arse is standing my driveway!
If you get your panties in a fucking knot thinking a character yelling fuck, makes a book Erotica, honey buns, you better start covering your ears while your here boycotting in Maine, because you're goonna hear a lot of "erotica" going off off in your fucking ears every fucking damned second of every fucking damned day.
Don't come here to Maine and tell us we can't say fuck.
Fuck!
Worse then that, you come to Biddeford of all the town in Maine, where you decided to have your little holyier then though sissified hissy fit meltdown over the word fuck... you chose BIDDEEFORD, to do it?
LOL!
Sugar Plum! boy do you ever NEED to take your head out of your arse and look around you.
Heck, there's a Guinise World Record Award on The Biddeford Town Hall... downstairs, near the elevator... go read it. Find out what Biddeford has got a world record for... then... tell me you STILL want to walk around Biddeford, Maine complaining about the word fuck.
Good god!
Go back to whatever outta state high polluting shit hole you rolled out of.
Also... what the fuck? Do you realize, how mentally ill you have to be, in the first place, to hunt down an author's home address, you, a stalker, and yes, you ARE a stalker, if you took the time to find my home address and travel here to show up in my driveway, yes, that DOES make YOU a stalker... do you realize how utterly INSANE YOU ARE, to think, showing up in someone's driveway to yell at them , falsing accusing them of writing sex scenes, that they never even wrote in the first place?
Honey bun... reel in the crazy, and take a good long look at you own stalker arse, making a fool of yourself in my driveway.
On what planet do you think being a stalker like you are doing in my driveway, is normal?
You do also realize that thing I am upset about too, is NOT that you accuse my books of being Erotica... it's that you drove all the way from California, to tell me that, while I was poop scooping dog poop in my driveway.
Think about it.
You got in a car, and drove five days, across the country, to yell at a novelist, in her driveway.
Let me repeat that:
You got in a car, and drove five days, across the country, to yell at a novelist, in her driveway.
Honey, there's seriously something wrong with you, and I am going to complain about it on my website, because, me being a published author DOES NOT give you the right to show up in my yard. Who the fuck do you think you are?
My books are about a super villain main character, dealing with domestic life.
The main character is a classic Dungeons and Dragons style big bad end of the game mega overpowered boss fight necromancer with a massive army of twenty-one billion zombies... and his husband is the equally endgame boss fight Lich Lord you have to get through to get to him... meanwhile his live-lover is an even more powerful Demon, from literal Hell, who can, and does, throw planet ending fire balls across solar systems to wipe out entire planets.
They are three laughably cartoonish twirly moustache over the top super villains... who... like Ma and Pa Kettle have a shit tonne load of children, a dozen or so children are adults, but over 70, yes, seventy, of their children are between the ages of 8 and 16 and are unruly herd of children in need of parenting.
Quaraun, being a transman Elf-JellyFish-Rabbit hybrid, gives birth to huge little of babies, rarely fewer then 6 and often 12 or more babies to a single pregnancy... transgender as in, born biologically a cis-female and living as a male, but has not had bottom surgery so is a seahorse dad, fully able to still get pregnant... so, yes, the world's most deadly, most dangerous, most powerful, and most feared necromancer... is also often 8 months pregnant in every story AND juggling trying to raise well over two hundred children all at once... WHILE having to deal with the endless stream of "questing adventure paries" of groups of 5 to 7 Humans consisting of a rogue, a wizard, a cleric, a warrior, and a palendin, showing up on his front door to say they are here to fight him to the death.
The whole series is satire of Dungeons and Dragons, told from the point of view of the ultimate end game boss fight villain who is sick and tired of Questing groups interrupting his life to challange him to a duel.challenge
So, how these idiots end up thinking my series is Erotica is beyond me... but... they often are the same idiots who are so retarded they think my car is hauned too.
Quaraun and BoomFuzzy have more then a hundred children together, and a lot of the stories feature said children. In fact, if you want to see what the series is like, and how extremely not Erotica it is, and just exactly how much it involves domestic family life, here, have some that you can read now for free; in fact here, have a shit tonne load you can read for free:
These feature the children:
- Excited For The New Baby
- The Phooka's Dragon School
- Five Ways To Save Money in Las Vegas
- The Herd Approaches
- Pink Sheep, Cheesy Burritos, and The Grim Reality of Zombies
- The Temple City of The Green Goddess, Where Every Street Has a Name
- Springtime by the River
These feature running the food truck business:
- BoomFuzzy's Chowder Dilemma
- Absinthe Slushies: An Ode to Frozen Green Fairy Wine
- Vendetta over Vittles
- Wishing For Lobster Rolls or, Why One Never Make Wishes In The Presence of Wizards
- Zwodder: A Drowsy Stupid State of Mind
These feature running the lighthouse:
- Lens and Light Maintenance
- A Dark and Stormy Night
- That Afternoon When Quaraun Got Stuck In a Crab Trap
- Dangerous Tides
- A Culinary Catastrophe: The Cursed Tomato Soup
- Bone Dice - Again
- Dreams of Purple Pearls
- Chaos in The Lighthouse - Shattered Panes, Shattered Minds
- A Flapdoodle Wizard’s Duel
- The Terrifying Cliffs of Noodle Beach
- Herons in the Dunes
- Macaroni and Cheese: A Creamy Pasta Dish Drenched in Melted Cheese, Often Topped with Breadcrumbs- It's Never That Easy
- Necromancy-A Day in the Life of a Bumbling Necromancer-Again
- The Sweet and Sour of Lemons
- What I Wish I Knew Before Not Becoming an Astrophysicist
These feature, things that happen when they are travelling between farmer's markets:
- A Map Worth More Than Gold
- The Moon Goddess Laughs From The Rooftops
- Toobe's Well-Prompted Apocalypse (A ChatBot Plans Global Domination)
- If your ass ain’t freezing or your brains ain’t scrambled, you’re ain’t really trying
- The Terror Bird
- Why the Sea is Salt
- The Valuable Mystery of the Talking Saloon Door and How We Nearly Got Shot Over Stale Tacos
- A Very Important Clump of Grass
- This Tent is Too Big
- The Washer Woman & The Fae
- The Rain-Drenched Alley
- How to Hijack a Human Supply Train Without Getting Shot
- Milkweed Meadow
- Open Grave
- Bellicose: Warlike! Aggressive! Hostile!
- The Book Burning Maggots, a You Can't Spell Hatred Without Red Hats
- When a Government Tries to Cover Its Crimes
- The Curse of the Liquid Gold
- The Red Hakama
- A Sinister-Looking Stone Well
- A Fall in the River
- The Great UnSeelie Court Swindlers
- A Mysterious Illness Spreading Through a Village
- That Big Bad Darkness in His Heart
Read those and you can see for yourself just exactly how lacking in sex education people have to be to call my series Erotica!
If you ever wanted cozy Cuddly Sweet Fluff filled Omegaverse, with foul mouthed, vulgar characters living an off grid life, this is it.
The people who call my books erotica, are really, really, really, REALLY showing how uneducated they are about what sex is and is not, when they call my books erotica.
Tip: If you want to call a book Erotica, you might want to read it first and make sure you ain't making a fool of yourself by admitting you ain't got a clue what counts as sex.
The series spans 138 novels, 423 novellas 500+ poems, and 3,000+ short stories, and out of the more then FOUR THOUSAND volumes in the series, there are exactly 16 sex scenes spread out across eleven titles, and because people always want to know which titles those are... here's a list... with the exception of these 11 titles here, you will find no sex and no violence, in any of the more then 4,000 published titles of this series: The list of read order is here.
Transman Quaraun (The Pink Necromancer) and his husband King Gwallmaic (aka BoomFuzzy the Unicorn) King of The UnSeelie Court. Main characters of The Adventures of The Pink Necromancer series. The series heavily features many stories of a pregnant transman, and is therefore classified as MPreg (pregnant males), aka Quaraun himself is USUALLY seen as being between 5 to 8 months pregnant in almost every story he appears in. BoomFuzzy is USUALLY the father, but they are part of a "why choose?"-type 3-way poly relationship, and thus side character GhoulSpawn is sometimes the father. aka it is a transman main character and his two husbands all three living in harmony together, it is NOT a "lover's triangle" sort of trio.
The Pink necromancer, Quaraun the Insane, and his magic mirror|
King Gwallmaiic aka BoomFuzzy the Unicorn |
 Quaraun's Pink Silk Tent and one of his Sand Raptors |
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The 3d printed minis of Etiole, art by me |
The Adventures of Quaraun The Insane
aka
The Adventures of The Pink Necromancer
aka
The Twighlight Manor Series
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Main character: Quaraun the Insane aka The Pink Necromancer Quaraun in his Moon Goddess outfit. He is the Royal Court Mage of The UnSeelie Court, in addition to being married to the king.Information about Quaraun and BoomFuzzy, character history and backstory, information on what the series is about, can now be found here (It used to be on the home page, but I kept updating it and it got long enough I figured it should have it's own page.) |
Primary character: King Gwallmaiic, Lich Lord of Fire Mountain, King of The UnSeelie Court, Elf Eater of Pepper Valley Quaraun's husband in his Faerie form (as King Gwallmaiic, the Faerie Chef)aka BoomFuzzy the Unicorn:
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Not sure which story to start with? These here are good places to start, to get a good introduction to the three main characters:
Ten million copies sold is NOT ten million dollars earned
Debunking the self publishing myth
answering the question:
"how are you not a millionaire, but you sold ten million copies of your books, how is it you've only ever made $12,000 (twelve thousand) total lifetime earnings?"
First off you are misquoting.
Its:
"ten million COPIES sold"
not
"ten million BOOKS sold"
There is a difference.
I'll point out that I'm a short story writer for magazines...
I get paid $20, $50, $100 ONE TIME upon acceptance; I don't get a royalty.
The magazine issue then goes on to sell ten thousand copies... well, that's me being paid a single twenty dollar bill for ten thousand copies sold, right there. When people are counting my "copies sold" they are counting how many issues of the magazine the story was featured in, was sold.
I mean, a magazine might sell a hundred thousand copies of a single issue, and STILL only pay me a single one hundred dollar bill. That's how short story publishing works. We don't get paid royalties. We get paid a single pre-publication one time fee, and it's rarely over twenty dollars per story.
THAT's how I only earned twelve thousand dollars in fifty years, while also selling over ten million copies... people forget that those numbers are counting copies of magazine issues sold, not copies of novels sold. I'm a short story writer for literary/fiction magazines, not a novel writer for book publishers, that seems to be the key factor people keep overlooking.
People seem to keep hyping up my "ten million sold" and think that means "ten million dollars earned", and that's not how the publishing industry works at all.
Even in book publishing "ten million sold" would be under two hundred and fifty thousand dollars earned. A 4% royalty is extremely high end pay, and for ten million books sold at a 4% royalty that is only four hundred thousand dollars.
Most traditionally published authors earn under a 2% royalty and sell fewer than five thousand lifetime sales of their book. Meaning most authors won't even earn a full one hundred dollar bill for their novel, even after lifetime sales.
I don't know where people get this idea that book sales vs income is one x one. It's not.
In my entire lifetime, I've only had one year when my income reached over two thousand dollars earned, and that year it was four thousand dollars earned. Most years I don't even have to file taxes because I have to earn at least six hundred dollars to do so and there's been fewer then ten years of my entire life where my income was over five hundred dollars.
In 2025 my total year income was three hundred and eighty five dollars, I didn't even reach five hundred dollars earned last year. Which is why I'm not eligible for disability, ssi, medical insurance, or food stamps. My income is too low to get any kind of government assistance at all. You have to be a minimum income level before you can qualify for government aid.
It's been over a decade since I last had to file income taxes, because it's been over a decade since I last made over five hundred dollars in a single year.
Contrary to urban myth, disability, ssi, medical insurance, and food stamps are not "free money" from the government. They are STATE ISSUE LOANS that you HAVE TO PAY BACK if your income ever reaches a point of being high enough to pay them back. and because they are loans that have to be paid back, you FIRST have to MEET MINIMUM INCOME REQUIRMENTS in order to get them.
Poor people don't get disability, ssi, medical insurance, or food stamps because poor people are in an income level bracket too low to qualify for disability, ssi, medical insurance, or food stamps.
According to the Maine Department of Health and Human Services, I don't qualify for disability, ssi, medical insurance, or food stamps because my income is "768% below the federal poverty level".
So, where you are getting the idea I'm a millionaire from, I don't know. Whoever is telling you that is lying to you.
For those who asked about read order, this is it:
I don't see my books as controversial, but apparently, according to the people who show up in my driveway, marching around with signs, while setting fire to paperback copies, my books are incredibly controversial. But I'm not sure why. In comparison to the bulk of mainstream literature, my books are very, very, very tame. I mean, the Bible is about 50,000% more violent, most sexual, and the Bible is also full of things my books don't have.
I would suggest, while your waving your Bible at me, you might want to try reading it. The Bible is full of endless none stop bigotry, rape, murder, adultery, and other endless vile evil acts.
My series, is at it's core a Romeo and Juliet style Romance, about a couple who were torn apart by hateful feuding relatives, resulting in one of the lovers committing suicide, the other one killing the evil relatives, then becoming a necromancer to resurrect the lover who died, as a Lich (a type of ghost). From that point on the Necromancer and his Lich Lord Lover go on to become a married couple who live in a lighthouse, where the necromancer terrorises local villages with zombie hordes while the ghost lover haunts the lighthouse and the neighbouring fishing villages and ships.
The bulk of the series is quiet, calm, Slice of Life, domestic family Cozy Fantasy about a silk weaver turned necromancer turned lighthouse keeper, attempting to live a normal life with his tv celebrity chef turned trickster poltergeist-style ghost spouse, while a zombie apocalypse is going on, in a cyber-goth far future of Earth set twenty thousand years in the future.
They eventually have many children, and they support their family by travelling on a tramp steamer riverboat, then go in land with their vardo and food truck to sell silk clothes and baked goods to the survivor camps throughout the wastelands.
I don't see how there is anything controversial about it at all. There are 138 novels, 423 novellas, 500+ poems, and 3,000+ short stories in this series, that follow exactly that template and have nothing more controversial then broken wagon wheels and bandits stealing their supplies.
In fact, the ONLY volume I would consider controversial is the novel "BoomFuzzy" due to it containing on page rape scenes and on page suicide. And while I wouldn't consider it controversial, I would say, Into the Swamp of Death would require reader discretion due to it being about a depressed character, attempting to commit suicide after their lover commit suicide. But, I am told, many times, by many (pearl clutching prudish) people, that my books require warnings about their contents, soooo... while I'm putting them in order for you, let's have some of those content warnings too, shall we?
So, over 90% of the series is the tame Cozy stuff described above, but, there are 11 (eleven) volumes that might be controversial, and they all follow along in a single story arch set, within the series, so, here's those and what you need be warned about them:
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This volume contains a lot of sexual abuse and on page rape...Highly recommended you be over age 21 to buy this volume. (the prequel to the series; written for the 35th anniversary of the series, it is the "backstory of Quaraun's pre-transgender youth that is so often mentioned throughout the rest of the series... this is the ONLY story where Quaraun is NOT elderly and shown as an adolescent) |
Note the novel "BoomFuzzy" contains sex scenes, rape, graphic violence, and torture... MOST of the series is completely devoid of sex or violence and is Pg13... this specific volume ONLY is EXTREMELY NSFW and unlike the rest of the set. Basically a retelling of Rapunzel vs Hansel & Gretel, if Rapunzel was broken mentally by the abuse and and Babba Yagga became a chef to eat Rapunzel's abusers. There are not enough trigger warnings for how many brutal, violent, vorn rape scenes, self harm, cutting, and graphically detailed suicides, there are in this, the most violent book of the series, that puts Quaraun's violent sex abuse filling childhood on graphic bloody page... this is the backstory to how and why Quaraun grew up tp became the serial killing vigilante cannibal Necromancer who tortures rapists and child abusers in the dungeons of The Twighlight Manor. |
...If you are not familiar with the series, Quaraun is a serial killer who travels the planet in search of rapists and child abusers to torture them to death; while the torture scenes are never on page, they are constantly references through out the series, with people all over the planet living in mortal terror of The Pink Necromancer setting foot in their town, due to his reputation of brutally murderer anyone who hurts, abuses, or rapes women and children... ...the series always stated it was due to sexual abuse he received as a child, but never went into detail of what exactly that meant... Readers kept requesting I write a prequal novel to show the abuse backstory, and that is what this novel is... it is the prequal story that shows the abuse, rape, and shit he went through as a child, which lead to him becoming the The Pink Necromancer as an adult. |
This book is deemed too graphic for Ao3, that alone says it all. Sooo many people have read this thinking "How bad could it be" and... ehhh... when you hear people talking about me writing twisted fucked up books, THIS is the book they are talking about. Really... you need to trust the trigger warnings on this one: this originally appeared on FanFiction.net and Tumblr and has sent Ao3 Vorn readers squicking for safety from it. If you like this book, you will HATE the rest of the series. If you like the rest of the series, you will HATE this book. The novel BoomFuzzy is deep dive extremely different from the rest of the series. Different genre, different tone, different character ages. |
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(another prequal story that bridges the gap between BoomFuzzy and night of the Screaming Unicorn A deranged spiralling deep dive into the weird squishy jellyfish thoughts of the blood thirsty brain eating evil necromancer as he's forced to spend a hurricane sheltered up with a Human as he tries very much not to rip out their skull and eat their brain. Darker then the most of the series, heavily inspired by the works of Lovecraft, this is still MOSTLY Cozy Fantasy. |
Vol 3: The Night of the Screaming Unicorn This one needs so many trigger warnings about so many things that the average mainstream person, isn't even going to know is a thing they needed trigger warnings for... This is Omegaverse, and if you know you know, and if you don't... yeah... well... A quote from the novel, sums up the entire novel quite easily: "Well, gee, I guess I just woke up today and thought 'I wish I was gonna be fucked by a Unicorn'!" "Ya did." "I was joking!" "Yas a wish granting wizard." "I DID NOT MEAN I ACTUALLY WANTED TO BE FUCKED BY A UNICORN!" "Well, I'don't know what to tell ya. Ya made the wish. And here I is. I'm'a horny Unicorny and I's ready to fuck ya!" |
Where to begin: Cherries, CBT, knotting, slick, ruts, heat, alphas, omegas, betas, sigmas, gammas, barbed penises, vaginas with teeth... ...Welcome to the Omegaverse, bring your own eye bleach; you're gonna need it. If you don't know what Omegaverse is... google it. ...if you don't know what omegaverse CBT is... google it... If you don't know what Omegaverse knotting is...I'd tell you to google it...but...eh...google it and brace yourself. Be warned... this is NOT 2026 style Omegaverse... This is 2012 Tumblr style Omegaverse, where vaginas had fangs that bite off penieses and penises have extractable barbs to fight back with. Yep, that's a thing you are going to encounter is, the strangest book I ever wrote. It's old school Omegaverse when Omegaverse was still in it extreme wild west era. -- this is one of the few volumes of the series to contain dub-con, almost non-con sex scenes, including knotting scenes... and is NSFW, reviewers have described it as "more rapey then I would have ever expected a woman to write". Highly recommended you be over age 21 to buy this volume. There are no chapters. The entire 400+ page story is one big rape scene of Quaraun trying to get away from his attacker in a locked room with no doors or windows. |
It's Omegaverse. If you know Omegaverse slick knotting rutts that lead to mindless "I need sex now" type of stories... uhm... yep... that is EXACTLY what this is. Also, its the story that reveals BoomFuzzy as two penises with barbs, and knotting with two penieses is even freakier then knotting with one. Omegaverse... OLD Omegaverse, this was published on fanfiction dot net in 2012! When Omegaverse was a lot wilder then it is today. In the original... BoomFuzzy is a horse the hole time... the Amazon edition, released in 2014, has him shapeshifted into a Human form for a lot of the story due to, yeah, typical Amazon reasons.of horse sex not allowed. This book, in it's original 2012 unedited edition, is WHY people call me a writer of "Unicorn Porn"... the Amazon edition is 60% tamer then the 2012 ffdn original. If you get the book on Amazon, know that it's about 90 pages shorter then the original because several of the scenes had to be cut for the Amazon release, due to Amazon's ToS. This is the OTHER book people are talking about when they say I write freaking fucked up crazy mind fucked eye bleach shit...yep. Unicorn Porn. Here it is. If you like the novel "BoomFuzzy", this is probably the ONLY other story in the series you will also like. While 1000% tamer and less violent then "BoomFuzzy", The Night of the Screaming Unicorn, is NOT Cozy Fantasy like the rest of the series, and treads into being Dark Romance/Dark Fantasy/Dark Romantasy. |
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Vol 4: The Vampire Leprechaun of Fire Mountain This is "THAT" book... I have a character who uses "fuck" in every way possible, nouns, adverb, adjective, angry, joyful "Fuck yeah!" for good thing "fuckity, funking, fucked up fucking fuckface" when he's mad... my novels average the word "ffuck" no fewer then 4 times per page, just because he's a main character. One reader, left a review to say they counted and in one of my 120 page novellas he said "fuck" over 450 times.... ...they commented that because my book is not Erotica, yet a week earlier a review had said "I don't know why this book is not in the Erotica section, there literally multiple sex scenes on every page". The 2nd reviewer stated "I bought the book because the other reviewer said it had sex on every page, but there is literally no sex in this book. I think the other reviewer is a prude who never heard anyone swear before. It's literally just a Maine lobsterman who can't stop swearing." |
If you don't know what "THAT" book means... here's what happened: it got so many reports of being "miscatagoriezed as Fantasy and should be in Erotica section", that Amazon moved the book to Erotica category, which I did not know they did, until I suddenly got a bunch of 1 star reviews saying "what kind of retard thought this was Erotica, the author is an idiot for putting this in Erotica category". I ended up spending several months going back and forth in emails with Amazon before I FINALLY got to a phone conversation with a real person. And I told them "This book is about a married gay couple on a hiking trip, the entire novel is literally nothing but them sightseeing and talking about the landscape, I don't know why you moved it to Erotica category when it has no sex in it, can you please have someone ACTUALLY READ my book and explain to me WHY you put it in Erotica? I have gotten 127 one star reviews all made that the book is in the Erotica category, when I didn't put it there!" Three weeks later I get an email back from Amazon stating, that they had received 51 reports that the book was porn, and had moved it to Erotica without checking. They said a representative has now read the book, and moved it to Fantasy where it belongs. They went on to say, upon investigation, all 51 accounts had been the same person with 50 sock puppet accounts. They said they banned the harasser, deleted the well over 200 one star reviews . |
I was surprised to get that from amazon, because usually they just give you a canned response. It is so hard to get to an actual customer service person on Amazon. But... I thought that was the end of it... nope. The following week, in church, a local woman, storms into the church meeting, waving a paperback copy of that book over her head, which screaming and yelling that I write Erotica and porn. Then starts yelling that I made Amazon delete her accounts, all of them. Uhm... okay... wait... what? The Bishop is like "What is going on?" I tell him, I'm not sure, but, I'm never written a sex scene in my life, I don't write Erotica or Porn, and that books she's hold, yeah I wrote it, but it's just a gay couple on a camping trip." (this book was written prior to the ones that do contain sex scenes and this incident is in fact WHY I started putting sex scenes in the volumes written after this one) Suddenly the bishop is yelling at me accusing me of writing Erotica. What? Why? What are you talking about? He goes off on this wild rant of how "you can not have a gay couple without erotica" and how "it is ALWAYS erotica is their is a gay person in it". The woman carrying the book starts going "See? I told you she write Erotica!" These people were acting like I had written the smuttiest, super mega smutt to ever exist. And yet, there wasn't even any kissing or nothing in this book. You'd thing I was writing gang bang orgies or something. It was literally a gay couple, on vacation, on a hiking trip. Where were they finding anything sexual in this book? |
And weird part is, I never said the characters were gay either. The closest thing to calling them gay, is a line that says "a transman and his husband". That's it. That's the closest thing to "erotica" in the entire book; just one line stating "a transman and his husband". OMG! What would these people do if they actually encountered actual real gay Erotica? Kind of says how "in the gutter" their minds are if all it takes is the line "a transman and his husband" to send them off into a meltdown of thinking about sex though, yeah? I mean, THEY thought sex in places I never wrote or implied sex, so that's on them. They are the one sexualizing gay couples, not me, yet they are the ones yelling at me and calling me "a sinner" and "the great apostate" (the term my bishop used). Needless to say I no longer attend that church, but, it was really eye opening for me to realize that there are people out there who think "gay = erotica". It had never occurred o me to think that at all. I mean there's far more f/m porn/erotica out there then there is m/m porn/erotica, so saying gay = erotica, is no different then saying straight = erotica, but I guess they don't think of that. I'm often left wondering, if the people who leave those sorts of reviews on Goodreads and Amazon, have ever met a gay person in real life? |
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Vol 5: Quaraun and the Vampire Into The Swamp of Death --- this story contains a lot of suicide referances and attempts, and a brutal gory murder scene, and is one of the few NSFW volumes in the series. Highly recommended you be over age 21 AND in no danger of suicidal thoughts to buy this volume. While I wouldn't consider it controversial, I would say, Into the Swamp of Death would require reader discretion due to it being about a depressed character, attempting to commit suicide after their lover commit suicide. If you were a fan of BeaLuna and Bullgaar, this is the last volume they appear in, as I just got bored with writing them and phased them out, in this volume. They MIGHT come back later on in the series, but currently I've no plans to bring them back. |
Vol 6: The Summoner of Darkness --- not on Amazon - this one is currently only available as an unedited draft here on Space Dock 13 This one boobily made its way down the stairs, into a weird world of mocking the breastily way men boobily write woman... yep... this is the one with the "she breasted boobily down the stairs" scene/line. Also, this one is not on Amazon for "reasons"... namely that in his true form BoomFuzzy is literally a horse, and I really did not want to remove the entire "There's a horse in your bed!!!" chapter, just to let it have an Amazon release. Sooo... yep... there's that. |
Vol 7: GhoulSpawn and The Lich Lord's Lover this is one of the few volumes of the series to contain sex scenes and is NSFW... also contains very violent domestic violence and spouse abuse scenes, including spouse being beaten into a coma.Highly recommended you be over age 21 to buy this volume. While not the first story to feature GhoulSpawn, this is the first time GhoulSpawn is traveling with them and is the story of the lover's triangle that follows. Readers who like BoomFuzzy, REALLY HATE this volume as it's the one when Quaraun is cheating on BoomFuzzy with GhoulSpawn, before the three of them became a trio throuple later on in the series. Also I think the ending of this one kind of sucks, and didn't end well, but I couldn't figure out a better way to end it. |
You remember how people read a bunch of books before they realize BoomFuzzy is a Black man and then they send me nasty emails saying they refuse to read books with Black characters and how dare I trick them into reading about Black characters by waiting so long to tell them he was Black... ...this would be that book.... Side note, I went back and checked, in the volumes prior to this one, there are 498 times of him being described as "a Black man from Papua New Guinea"...but still they never noticed he was Black, until this book. Why? In this book a racist white character calls him the N-word. And him being called the N-word by a racist piece of shit, it what snapped them out of thinking he was white, even though, prior to this book, there are 498 times of him being described as "a Black man from Papua New Guinea". Sooo...if you're a racist white piece of shit, you'll be very offended by this book. |
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Vol 8: Picking the Perfect Pickle, a collection of TransMan MPreg stories set in the Omegaverse this collection contains the story "Excited For the New Baby" which was a chapter deleted from Lich Lord's Lover, and takes place about half way through the novel Lich Lord's Lover This is the book in the series with the fewest sales, rarely selling more than a just a hundred copies total per year since it's release in 2016. Which I find rather unfortunate as it is one of my favorite volumes of the entire series. Every story in this set is on the theme of a 8 to 9 month pregnant trans-man, trying to hide his pregnancy from society. Often readers stop reading the series when they get to this volume, as for some reason, this is usually the first volume when they realize that TRANSGENDER means he is a biological cis female, living as a male. |
For some odd reason, a LOT, and I mean tHOUSANDS, of readers, go into the series, knowing Quaraun is transgender but thinking he is "a man in a dress" (as many angry emails from readers have put it)... I've received thousands of email (which is why I no longer use email) full of hateful rants saying that they thought transgender meant a man living as a woman, and how they were horrified and disgusted to realize that Quaraun was a woman living as a man. I am so confused by this. How the fuck do so many people get THIS FAR into the series and not realize until this volume that Quaraun is a f2m (female to male) transgender person? How? And the reason they give is always "but the dialogue tags said he/him/his!!!" Uhm... yeah. Because HE is transgeder. HE spends a lot of ime looking in HIS full leangth mirror, bitching about HIS scars on HIS chest where his BOOBS used to be too... in fact that scene is in every single book... heck, if you read the novel BoomFuzzy, you saw the scene where his father CUTOFF HIS DAUGHTERS BREASTS because SHE was binding them to pass for a male to try to attract the attention of a gay man (BoomFuzzy is gay and had no interest in Quaraun because Quaraun was a female). ??? Do they not know that a trans man is a a female who transitioned to a male? But that if they did no have bottom surgery they can still get pregnant? |
Vol 9: The Savage Wilderness (more TransMan MPreg stories set in the Omegaverse) -this volume contains the story of the birth of the baby mentioned in "Excited For The New Baby" in Picking the Perfect Pickle... one reader said this book was "too savage and disturbing" for them. I think they forgot to read the title. Also... I would call this book tame, but, whatever. Picking up where Picking The Perfect Pickle left off, the baby talked about in the pregnancy scenes there... is given birth to here in this volume, and this one pissed off readers as much as if not more then Picking the Perfect Pickle did. Uhm.. Quaraun is a trans man. Quaraun uses he/him pronouns. Quaraun complains constantly of having a "small penis" and spends an inordinate amount of time "looking at his boobless chest and the scars left behind where his boobs used to be". Narration always says "he did", "he said"... |
Think about it, ..a character openly described in narrative as "transgender" and the narrative uses "he said" and "he did". How did you read that and NOT KNOW he was biologically female? Do you not know what transgender MEANS? If someone is TRANSGENDER, and they describe themselves as HE, HIM, that means they were born with a vagina and are living as a male. Good god, how stupid are these people who send me messages saying they stopped reading the series here, because it was when they REALIZED "he was not a sissy in a dress" or "not a transvestite" or "omg, you means he's not a man in a dress, why does the narrative call him he/him?"... uhm... first off let me say "tranny, sissy, man in a dress, and transvestite are all hate slurs, and the fact that you were using them (my series does not use those words) says a lot about YOU and YOUR bigotry again transgender people. But also... someone assigned MALE at birth, who is transgender, uses SHE/HER pronouns and identifies as female. So if you were looking for penises under dresses, you should have been looking for "she said" and "her things" NOT "he said" and "his things". Someone assigned female at birth who is transgender is defined as he/his/him but has a vagina. And for some reason, it's not until a scene of him VAGINALLY giving birth to a baby from his vagina, that they realize... oh wait, transgender who calls himself him, means he was born a girl with a vagina.
Again I ask, do they not know that a trans man is a female who transitioned to a male? But that if they did no have bottom surgery they can still get pregnant? |
Again I ask, a third time, because I just don't get it... do they not know that a trans man is a biological female, born female at birth with a vagina and uterus and ovaries, and is using he/him/his male pronouns and called a trans man, because he is no longer she due to being a afab (assigned female at birth) person who transitioned to a male?
But that if they did no have bottom surgery (also known as did not have a hysterectomy) they can still get pregnant?
No one hid the fact that Quaraun is transgender, is a transman, lives as a male, and uses male he/him/his pronouns, in fact it's in the description of the series that he is "f2m transgender" and it outright stated several times in each volume prior to these two, so, there really is no excuse for the MORE THAN TEN FUCKING THOUSAND hate filled emails these people sent me, which yes, is why I no longer have/use email.
But also, Quaraun was born intersex... And it goes further to say that he was born "siamese twins" and "conjoined twins" and "with a non viable parasitic twin", and that he is not in fact intersex, but actually was two fetus that fused in the womb, one male and one female, a medical anomaly that should not have been possible, which caused him to be born with both male and female reproductive organs. And this is outright stated in all 11 of these volumes, so you literally can not read any of these volumes without learning that HE HAS A VAGINA and a CAN GET PREGNENT... in fact, his fear of getting pregnant is an entire plot point in both BoomFuzzy, and Night of the Screaming Unicorn and GhoulSpawn and the Lich lord's Lover... it's the fucking PLOT of those three stories... I'm sorry, but I kind of struggle to understand the emails claiming "I read these and didn't know..."...uhm...really? Cause it sounds like you actually did NOT read them and was just looking for an excuse to be a transphobic dick in my email.
But also... in my entire five decades of being a reader, I've never once read a book, and thought "I don't like something in this book, let me go send nasty letters to the author." What the fuck? If I don't like something in a book, I do what sane normal people do, stop reading the book, and go look for something else to read. I don't spend the next ten weeks daily sending hate fill emails to the author. That's not normal behaviour, luv, it reailly ain't. You might want to consider seeing a psychiatrist about it. Sending a shit tonne load of nasty emails to a total stranger because you got upset about a fictional character tells me you got some severe anger management issue in need of getting under control.
And for those who've asked: "But why does the narrative call Quaraun a 'HE' and say 'HIM' if Quaraun was born female?"
Because he is transgender.
DUH!
*sigh*
It's 2026, I shouldn't have to spell it out like this.
Okay, I'm going to explain it to you, like you are five years old and haven't yet grown enough brain cells to figure things out on your own.
Transgender means this:
born one gender and living as the opposite gender.
If you are born a boy and living as a girl, you are a transgender woman or a transwoman or m2f or mtf and you use she/her pronouns.
If you are born a girl and living as a boy, you are a transgender man or a transman or f2m or ftm, and you use he/him pronouns.
Quaraun is a f2m transgender man, using male he/him/his pronouns, means he was born a girl and is living as a boy.
Why is that so hard to figure out?
- If a person, such as Quaraun, is MALE and ALSO transgender... then that person was born with a vagina and does not have a penis, because a transgender male is someone who was BORN FEMALE and lives as a male. This is known as transgender man, transgender male, transman, trans masculine, trans masc.
- ftm or f2m means a female who transitions to a male
- the phrase "transgender man" MEANS was born female
- the word transman MEANS was born female
- if a transgender person is using he/him/his pronouns, it MEANS they were born female
...and so THAT is WHY in the books, you see things like:
"I hate being called a woman!" Quaraun said as he stood up, reaching for his Rainbow Wand ready to attack his accuser. "Apologize now!" He demanded. His twelve foot long prehensile jellyfish tentacle hair slithered around him angrily, waiting to strike.
Had I said "as she stood up" or "her attacker" or "her hair" or "around her" that would be misgendering him and using his none-prefered gender, in narration, which is a transphobic thing to do.
The narration ALWAYS uses he/him/his because HE is a transman, whom has transitioned to living as a male, and it is disrespectful to the real world transgender population, to say "she" about a transman, even if said transman is only a fictional character.
But yes, transgender goes BOTH ways.
Transgender is NOT JUST men who live as women, it is also women who live as men, and I'm shocked by how often readers contact me to tell me off while saying "females can't be transgender, transgender is just men wearing dresses"... uhm... no, it isn't. And I shouldn't have to be the one to tell you that.
I am an author NOT a teacher. I shouldn't have to teach you the meanings of common, ordinary, everyday words. And if you're a transphobic bigot, what the fuck are you doing reading transgender fiction in the first place?
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This one doesn't need much content warning, but it is part 1 of a story that does... |
...Quaraun is from twenty thousand years into Earth's cybergoth Fae ruled far future, an era when serial killing pumpkin patches are common place, and has no concept of the things GhoulSpawn, an Isekai'ed hippy from the 1970s describes from his 20th century era... ...this story flips the tables and Isekai's Quaraun to the 1970s into an ordinary pumpkin patch... The World's Most Feared Wizard, a psycho deranged insane zombie wielding Elf Necromancer with Liches at his command, is now in a time when Humans rule the world, magic does not yet exist, no one believes in Fae, Elves, or Zombies, and pumpkins are not yet monsters. |
Vol 11: Feed the Fucking Pigeons The story of a Black man feeding pigeons in Mechanic's Park, Biddeford, Maine, vs the police officers who try to fine him for the crime of feeding birds, in Mechanic's Park in Biddeford, Maine... inspired by a real incident that happened at this very real park, in 2007, when Biddeford Police put a "no feeding of pigeons" sign up, over the park bench, where a local man daily fed pigeons. Still trying to find their way back to the 40th century, now trapped in the 1990s, all hell breaks lose when white police officers threaten to arrest a BoomFuzzy for feeding pigeons in Mechanic's Park in Biddeford, Maine, and quickly find themselves with a food truck without a permit parked in the park as well, as BoomFuzzy starts a protest against white police harassing Black men. |
--this story picks up a few days after Pumpkin Patch Portal and could be considered part of the same story... also... this was originally titled "Feed the Fucking Pigeons" but Amazon made me change the title, citing that they could not allow a book with "Fucking" in the title to be published... the irony here is "Feed the Fucking Pigeons" is about a Black man protesting overreach by white Police officers. Written as part of a Black Lives Matter challenge, the entire message of the story is "Fuck rich white privilege", and then a a rich white owned company went and demanded we change the title, sooo... yeah. Funny thing is 2025 readers said "But Scotsmen don't act like that"... ...I think 2026 Boston disagrees. Updated July 13, 2026... to the people in 2004 who said Biddeford Police don't act like this, yeah... I think ICE shooting a none-white man at this park this morning, says otherwise. |
The 11 above are the only ones that have a chronological order to them.
Those 11 are all set in a time period that counts as "the start of the series"
BoomFuzzy, Tea With a Thullid, and The Night of the Screaming Unicorn are set three hundred years BEFORE the rest of the series.
The entire rest of the series takes place in a time period set around three hundred years after the time period in those 3 volumes.
Likewise, the entire rest of the series remains firmly within the Cozy Fantasy, Slice of Life genre, never having any sex or violence in it.
So, if you are someone looking ONLY for the volumes WITH sex and violence, those 11 books above are the ones you are looking for.
While if you are someone who only wants to read the Cozy Fantasy segments and want to avoid the sex and violence, then those 11 above are the ones you want to stay away from, and just stick with the rest of the series.
Also, I don't think there is a need for trigger warnings for any volume other then the 11 previously listed. Though, the characters do drink, smoke, use drugs, talk/joke about sex, the main character is a transman, he lives with his Black husband, and they share a live-in lover who lives with them. There are no sex scenes in any of these, there are no violent scenes in any of these... though there are some times mentions of suicide and rape referenced as "a thing from the past". But I would not consider any of those things controversial or in need of trigger warnings as, these mentions are minor, in the background, and over the course of 138 novels, 423 novellas, 500+ poems, and 3,000+ short stories, those things are mentioned fewer then 500 times vs those things are mentioned over forty thousand times in the Bible. But local Christians who clearly never read their Bible and don't know how much it PROMOTES those things (no, not preaches against, but actively promotes murder, rape, incest, drinking, adulty, drugs... really, have you really never read your Bible. It ain't as sweet and innocent as you think it is.)
The entire series is "quasi-omegaverse" so there are mentions of heats, nesting, ruts, knotting, scenting, alphas, omegas, betas, sigmas, Mpreg (pregnant males), and it's Butterflyverse type Omegaverse so there is mentions of cannibalism as well. However, these things are mentioned in conversations and not actually shown on the page or described in detail.
Outside of the 11 books listed above, the rest of the series is Cozy Fantasy/Slice of Life, about a poly-trio living a rather "Little House on the Prarie"style of life.
These do not have a specific order, but all take place about 3 to 5 years after the ones listed previously:
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Frozen Dawn (single 12k word short story - 75+ pages) |
The Moon Goddess Shrine (single 12k word short story - 75+ pages) |
The Moth Garden (single 12k word short story - 75+ pages) |
And, while there are 138 novels, 423 novellas, 500+ poems, 3,000+ short stories published in the series since I started writing it in 1978... the ones listed above are the ONLY volumes found on Amazon.
I ONLY listed the Amazon editions here, because for most readers, the Amazon editions are the ones they want.
If you are looking for the non-Amazon editions, they can be found on various places, which I have links in the list, further down on this page.
Note that ALL THREE THOUSAND+ and ALL FIVE HUNDRED+ of the short stories and poems are found right here on this website you are reading right now, and links to those are in the list below as well.
And yes, more editions will be available on Amazon. I just don't have release dates. I'm only one person and, my son's murder investigation takes up a large amount of my time, while my being crippled and relearning to walk takes up a full 3/4s of my day.
I do not have anyone helping me with the writing, editing, formatting, or cover art... I am doing all of it myself, in between life stuff going on, so, the process of compiling five decades of writing into Amazon editions is a slow tedious process and it just takes a long time for me to get each volume converted over into Amazon approved formats.
Keeping in mind that in ALL the original editions BoomFuzzy was NOT a shapeshifter and was ALWAYS a horse/Unicorn... and amazon has strict rules against "animal lovers", meaning LARGE PORTIONS of the scenes have to be changed, so show him as a Humanoid, and not a horse.
Yes, Amazon has told me that outright... in 2012 there were 27 ADDITIONAL volumes on Amazon, that in 2013 amazon said had to be removed because a Unicorn is "too much of an animal" to qualify for "mythical creatures in Romance". So, there USED TO BE an addition 27 volumes up on Amazon, IN ADDITION to the 31 listed above/below.
Meaning they're used to be 58 volumes on Amazon, and half had to be unpublished due to BoomFuzzy NOTE shapeshifting into a Humanoid form within the story... meaning I have to do major rewrites to stories to ADD him shape shifted into a Human form, in order to upload stories with him on Amazon. And that just takes a lot of time.
Some of the "after the story" stories... set hundreds of years after and before the main time line:
These stories are know by fans as "The Wild Years Era" and are set in 1980s Maine... Quaraun and GhoulSpawn, got stuck in the 1980s and no one believing them when they said they were from twenty thousand years in the future, they get locked in an insane asylum... Quaraun starts using the name SunTa and GhoulSpawn starts using the name Gremlin, while BoomFuzzy starts using the name BlackBird, in this timeline.
While this era makes up more then half of all stories publisshied for the series, and is where you will find both EelKat and The Twighlight Manor, as well as characters like Etiole, Sir Roderick, The Dazzling Razzburry, Dr. Vangonesse, Xavier, King Vielder, and Melaca... only 3 volumes are on Amazon at the moment.
The stories in this era are NOT Cozy Fantasy, thus why I sectioned them off into their own section here. These are Gothic Horror, Psychological Terror, and Lovecraftian style Weird Horror.
The colouring books, these contain no story, only images:
NOTE:
The short stories ARE the MAIN series.
No, the novels ARE NOT the primary stories.
The novels were created as "special editions" for the 35th anniversary of the series.
Here's why:
This series was started in 1978, back then known as "The Twighlight Manor Series" and was short stories published in children's magazines such as Cricket, Friend, New Era, Highlights, and around 200+ other similar titles. This is because I was a 3 year old toddler upon writing the first story, for a "show us your story" type of feature in pre-school children's magazines. (Yes, I was born in 1975, and was only 3 years old in 1978 when the first story was published).
MOST of the stories written between 1978 and 1987 were under 500 words long, and featured a talking black cat named EelKat and her Silver Salamander Eel Hybrid MerMan friend Etiole, and her Sheep Satyr chauffer who drove a 1974 AMC Gremlin, who made visits to the MerMan's father Sir Roderic at his Twighlight Manor, a sentient house that came to life and ate people.
In 1987, at age 12 years old, I suddenly was "too old" to write for 90% of the magazines I had been sending the stories to. Note, at this point too, I had published well over 500 stories and had yet to receive even a penny for any of it, indeed, was not even aware that writers got paid at all.
From 1987 to 1996, stories were published locally via The Young Women's Newsletter of The Cape Elezabeth Ward of the Augusta Stake of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and due to church publication requirements, I made all character members of the LDS/Mormon Church, and sent them on missions... the church would not have published the stories otherwise, they told me as much. I choose Papua New Guinea as the location they were missionaries to, and this is when the black character Esmerald BlackBird and his family were added to the series.
In 1996, I started publishing many of the stories on FanFiction dot net, soon also on Blogger and GeoCities and AngleFire and FreeWebs and Squidoo and HubPages. Those collected locations were connected by a WebRing called "Space Dock 13". In 2013, I collected all the stories off those locations, consolidated them into one location, and bought the url eelkat.com to link to them. All of those stories, more then 3,000 short stories, are still free to read today in 2026 on this site you are reading right now.
eelkat.com was used because at the time, the talking black cat was still heavily featured as the narrator and a primary character of the series. (No, I am NOT "eelkat" and I don't know why people use that like it is my name, as it is rather annoying. I am Wendy and I dislike when people refuse to use my name and/or try to call me by one of my characters' names... you don't walk up to J.K.Rowling and yell "Hey Harry!" do you? So why do you walk up to me and yell "Hey, EelKat!")
The first novel of the series appeared in 2006 (Love, Lust, Madness) but was quickly unpublished due to outrage by local members of our church. It was the first time a sex scene appeared in the series, it also contained the first of several to follow suicide scenes.
There are currently no actively in print versions of ANY of the stories print published via magazines or newsletters prior to 2006. As most stories prior to 2006 appeared only in "send us your story" sections of children's magazines.
By 2010 Blackbird had been renamed BoomFuzzy and many stories had begun mentioning "the evil necromancer who built the Twighlight Manor".
In 2010, the series still was ONLY short stories and all still child safe, kid friendly, Mormon stories written by a Mormon child for other Mormon children.
For the 35th anniversary, I sent out a request, asked readers what should we do for the 35th anniversary of the series. And the top answer was:
1: Make a set of novels based off the short stories.
2: Make the novels about Etiole's great-grand-father, the evil necromancer who built The Twighlight Manor.
And so in 2014 The Night of The Screaming Unicorn was published (most of it had been written in 2011).
The Night of the Screaming Unicorn was the first story ever to feature Quaraun the Insane, The Pink Necromancer, and it was the first novel to feature BoomFuzzy the Unicorn in a primary leading role, as well as the first time he appeared not being called Blackbird.
In the weeks following it's publication readers were sending me requests asking: "Can you write a prequal novel that shows how Quaraun and BoomFuzzy met and how BoomFuzzy became a Lich?" Thus I write the novel BoomFuzzy which was published in 2016.
The other novels came in 2017 to 2021. (Note, ALL novels AFTER Night of the Screaming Unicorn, were written using Dragon speech to text software as I became paralyzed on November 14, 2013 and did not regain the ability to type until May of 2021.)
This is why the novels are written in the exact same dialect which I speak, rather then normal written grammar. I speak Scottish English, and at the time with a very thick accent (I've lost some of the accent over the years and have learned how to say some American words now, so my spokem words are not nearly as "broken" as they were when the novels were written. Dragon Speech to Text software, at the time was known for typing words in dialect spellings, and at the time I had no editor to translate the novels into American English, so these books are written in "spoken dialect" Scottish, and are the exact same way I speak.
but there you have it....WHY the novels are NOT the main story and why, I really have no plans for any more novels in the future.
The series is still and always was a series of short stories, most stories being under a thousand words long each story.
The short stories were never written in any sort of "chronological order" and like hoe The Simpsons TV Show runs forever without characters ageing, with bart always an 8 year old kid for 30+ years, and most episodes never acknowledging the events of previous episodes... same way The Simpsons do that, is how my short stories are. My series is the same characters over and over and over, never really getting any older, rarely acknowledging any events of any other story, and just sort of being "static characters" who live in a "stasis time line that never moves forward."
So, outside of the few I have listed above as "Vol 1, Vol 2, Vol 3, etc" you really can just pick up any volume of the series and read it in any order. Heck, even those ones, you don't NEED to read in order.
And part of the reason, I write it primarily as short stories is because every story was written in one sitting.
It takes me 4 or 5 hours to write most stories. So I end up writing 1, 2, 3, sometimes more in a single day. That's why there are so many.
And I get ideas everywhere. I usually bases them of stuff that has happened in my life.
Like, when I go on a camping trip to Acadia, I'll write my characters camping, and I'll just write the same type of tent I used (I have a 3m bell tent) and write the same hikes I took, as them taking the hike. I just went on a camping trip to Acadia last week of May, so I'm on a "camping hike writing binge" right now.
My pregnancy a few years ago was hell, endless morning sickness at the start, endless blackouts and fainting spells in the mid point, baby died same day he was born, shortly after he was born. This HEAVILY influenced my writing, as before that I almost never wrote a pregnancy, but after that 90% of everything I write now includes a pregnant main character going through all the same troubles I had.
And it changes daily. Like, a fire truck will go by, and I've no clue where they are going, but 5 minutes later I'm writing my character sitting on the lawn and seeing a fire truck go by and just improv from there what happens next.
I tend to write very mundane Slice of Life stories, so literally anything from a shopping trip to WalMart to taking the trash out, becomes a thing I write about.
I am a niche writer. I write a Seahorse Dad main character (female to male transgender character whom has not had bottom surgery, is in a lavender relationship married to a gay man, and in most stories, is 8 months pregnant and having to deal with things like bathrooms and crazy church groups beating him up, in Transman MPreg, Omegaverse Yaoi, Shifter Dark Fantasy. A genre, that right now is being targeted by leaders in America so is seeing a massive worldwide slump because every one is scared to admit they read transgender characters right now.
I started writing/publishing the series in 1978, it is right now 2 years from it’s 50th anniversary. It now spans 138 novels (each over 150k words), 423 novellas (each 35k to 75k words), 500+ poems (each over 1k words), 2k+ drabbles (each exactly 100 words), and 3k+ short stories (each over 300 words and upto 20k words)… in total the series spans more then forty million words published in the last 48 years.
All of them following, ONE main character. Each story stand alone. There is no vol 1, vol 2, vol 3… you can read each story in any order you want because there is no continuing parts. I do it like The Simpson’s tv show, where Bart Simpson is ALWAYS the 8 year old boy for the past 30 years, and he never has character arcs, never grows emotionally, is exactly the same in every episode, and no new episode ever references or even remembers the existence of any previous episode.
What works for me?
Writing a character that I love and have fun writing. I wouldn’t be two years from my fiftieth anniversary writing this character if I did not have so much fun writing him.
The Seahorse Dad Transman MPreg genre is so small, so niche, that it is rare for any of my books to reach even one hundred copies sold in it’s lifetime. And most marketers would say that makes the genre too niche, too small. But I love what I write, and for me, writing what I love, is more important then writing to a big market in hopes of getting bigger sales.
I’m not a good writer. My spelling sucks, I can barely string along grammar, American English is not my native language so I struggle with slang terms and vocabulary very badly, which is why I make a habit of reading dictionaries, I have the vocabulary of an 8 to 10 year old, and so I struggle with “big” (high school or college level) words, I was born in a culture that does not allow females to get an education so I never went to school, and I was 31 years old when I started sneaking out at night to take adult education classes and get a GED, but, I had to pretend to be a man in order to get into the highschool to take the adult education classes… which is a large part of WHY I write a transman character (a biological woman who lives as a male in order to gain access to tthings only men are allowed to do, like learning to read and write… my character also has prosthetic hands because his father caught him sneaking out as a man, and cut his hands off… that’s the culture I grew up in, I’m in a wheelchair now, because after getting a GED, I tried to go to college, I never got my degree, because my spine was broken with a golf club as punishment for learning to read and write).
So, as you can see, writing a female to male transgender character in a society, like mine, that would rather kill a woman then let her learn to read, is VERY IMPORTANT TO ME ON PERSONAL LEVELS… thus why it is the niche I write even though, it’s admittingly not a niche that sells well.
I have fun writing it though, because I can write my f2m character doing thing I am not physically capable of doing. He fights back against the sorts of people, I’m not physically strong enough to fight. So it’s vouyerism I suppose, my enjoyment of writing this character, in that I can allow him to do the things I wish I could do.
I’m not a good writer. I know that. But… it like, because I’m writing for myself, writing the story that I want to read, writing the story that I could not find out there written by other, it kind of doesn’t matter to me if the writing is garbage, if the grammar is bad, if the spelling is terrible, if it compares to the skill of other/better writers, because, my goal is not to write the best thing ever, my goal is to have fun writing the fun thing I wanted to read about fun characters having fun in a fun world setting.
Fun, is literally the goal here, so, I’m not worrying: “Does my writing suck?” because, yeah, my writing probably does suck. but did I have fun writing it? Hell, yeah I did!
Likewise, I’m not worrying “Will my books sell?” because I am aware I’m writing a niche that, well, 90% of the world political leaders hate, want boycotted, even make laws banning it… Americans act like transgender is only men in dresses, and they forget that MOST of the world’s transgender population is women, who pretend to be men, just so they can sneak into colleges and learn how to read and write, a thing that they do at risk of their own lives, so even with American leaders calling for the erasure of transgender books, I still write them same as I always have for 50 years, because here’s a hell of a lot of women in this world who need to know they CAN learn to read and write, they just have to get really good at pretending to be a man to do it. And to me, THAT is more important then writing a genre that might sell millions of copies.
So for me it’s all about not thinking about what other writers are doing at all, not caring if other writers write better, not trying to write a bestseller, and just focusing on the fun of the act of writing fun things, things that are personally important to me.
Anyways, yeah... that is the short summary of the series I write.
Yes. That IS short.
If you start reading all the worldbuilding, character creating, and how I write the series articles... you'll understand how ^^THIS^^ was considered short; because MOST pages on my website, dealing in talking about writing my series are well over 50k words long PER page and, it takes most people minimum 4 to 5 DAYS to read 50k words, and a lot of people, it takes them 2 or 3 WEEKS to read 50k words. Yeah. I'm kind of long winded in writing about how I write, and I'm not sure why.
One thing is for certain, I have loads of fun writing my characters living in their world.
Update December 10, 2025:
Iron Lung is going to be at Saco Imax! #Markiplier #ironlungmovie #saco #mainetok #imax
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There wasn't anyone in our area with Iron Lung listed, so I contacted Saco imax and asked them if they's play and sent them Markiplier's contact info, and they got in touch with him and listed it! Yay! |
Updated January 31, 2026... Just saw Iron Lung, love it!
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And for those familiar with the history of the making of Iron Lung... here's a throwback to the day I met Ethan in Portland, Maine a decade ago: updated: June 10, 2026
LOL! Someone wanted to know: "What is so great about Iron Lung, how is that your favorite movie?" ... uhm... ironically this question comes from someone who calls me "EelKat". You know why people call me "The Eel Cat" right? I'm absolutely, completely obsessed with eels. Eels are my favourite animals. I've had pet eels for well over forty years now, still have pet eels right now. My original main character of my novels was a black cat who raised eels (and is the one named EelKat). I have murals of eels painted on my car, I sew eel costumes, the character named Etiole whom you people like to pretend is real and call an alien is actually a fictional eel merman in my novels, I love eels, everything I do in my life revolves around eels... and eels have been my only obsession since I was three years old... ...and so, you can call me "EelKat", refuse to use my real name and bully me by calling me "eel cat", mock me about eels, and STILL ask me, WHY my favourite movie, is a movie that features a mile long city devouring eel as it's monster? Really? Do you have no clue what the movie Iron Lung is about? It's about a guy trapped in a sinking submarine, while a gigantic sea monster sized eel is trying to rip the submarine apart. It's a movie about a giant Godzilla-type eel, and you want to know why I, the one you call "eel cat" to mock me because I like eels, you want to know why like Iron Lung, a movie that is literally about eels? I like eels. Why do you think I like Iron Lung? There are so few movies that use eels as a theme. |
Update: June 26, 2026
I just saw a post that said:
"Nobody cares."
I don't know what they were talking about. They gave no context.
But I agree with them.
Yep. Literally nobody cares. Absolutely not one person cares about any other person. Harsh reality of Human nature. That's why a woman 2 years ago, died in her office cubicle, was dead in her chair for 5 days, before anyone noticed she had died - several coworkers said they had walked by her dozens of times, said "hi" each time, and had never noticed she did not say "hi" back. He family did not notice she did not come home for 5 days.
Worst part was... it was not the first case like this. A reporter started looking into "How did this happen?" and found dozens of cases like it were happening each year all over the world. Turns out dying and no one noticing is pretty common place, simply because literally no one pays close attention to the things going on inches around them.
Heck, hateful people drove a backhoe over my house 13 years ago (August 8, 2013), then murdered my newborn baby with a golf club, then severed my spine with same golf club... I have been homeless, paralyzed, and wheelchair bound for 13 years now, and several of my neighbors only just noticed I my house was gone less then a month ago, and asked "what happened to your house?"
"A crazy guy with a backhoe drove over it."
"Really, what day?"
"August 8, 2013"
... long pause... "wait, that was... wait... was that thirteen years ago?"
... "yep."...
"Why did I never notice?"..
"I don't know, you literally seven feet from where my front door is, it's no wonder they didn't take down your house with mine."
"wait... I just noticed your wheelchair, wait, what happened?"
"crazy woman with a golf club attaccked me when I was 8 months pregnent, forced early labour, used the golf club to murder my baby minutes after he was born, and severe my spine"
"OMG! when did that happen?"
"November 14, 2013, a few days after the backhoe drove over my house, FBI thinks it was the same person who drove that backhoe over my house that killed my baby and crippled me a few days later"
"How come I never noyticed?"
"I don't know... there's litteraly a 20 foot x 12' billlboard in my yard that says 'If you have any information about my son’s murderer, please call FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322' it's been there since 2014"
People don't care.
I realized that when no one showed up at the funeral of my baby.
No one cares. I learned that when the FBI showed up to ask my family and neighbours if they had any information that would help find my son's killer, and they all started gibbering wild slander calling my car haunted and say it was in a Stephen King movie, told the FBI that I believe in aliens and ufos and am an alien abducttee even though I'm not and I don't believe in those things instead. The FBI agent in charge of my son's murder investigation, said he's never encountered an entire town so willing, to spread malicious gossip, but so unwilling to help solve a baby's brutal murder. I still don't know why people claim my car is haunted, where the alien rumors come from or why people keep trying to say me and my car are in Stephen king movies...or WHY that is the stuff they say to the FBI agents when the FBI asks them if they have any information about my son's murder.
But...
That's how I know, no one cares about anyone else.
My house at 146 Portland Avenue, Old Orchard Beach, Maine, July 4, 2013 vs August 8, 2013... never forget this is what transphobes of Maine do to pregnant cis women whom they falsely accuse of being transgender....my house July 4, 2013, picture taken because we were also done building the baby room on the back of the building - notice the building permit for said baby room in the window. vs my house August 8, 2013, only 30 days later, when a deranged lunatic drove over it with a backhoe AND had a dump truck haul it away... while I was gone to work ... only 90 days before the same people who were there in my yard with the backhoe, would arrive at the college November 14, 2013 and murder the baby the room was being built for after demolishing said baby room.
Answering the question:
"Whenever I ask anyone about you, they start talking about aliens, ufos, alien abductions, something called an amphibious alien, and an alien that shape shifts into a white monkey. What is the White Monkey Alien thing that people keep talking about?"
>>>Whenever I ask anyone about you, they start talking about aliens, ufos, alien abductions, something called an amphibious alien, and an alien that shape shifts into a white monkey. What is the White Monkey Alien thing that people keep talking about?
There are no aliens. No UFOs. No alien abductions. I don't know how people came up with that crazy assed bull shit.
There WAS a white monkey, but it has nothing to do with aliens or UFOs.
Helen Pearly from Scarborough, Maine owned a petting zoo near the Scarborough Marsh and she collected predominantly albino animals, including a white monkey.
From the 1950s to the 1970s in Old Orchard Beach, at the location where The Powderhorn Campground now sits on Cascade Rd, there used to be a zoo, The Animal Fair, which was the animal supplier for both Noah's Ark zoo ride at Palace Playland, and Helen Pearlys White Zoo in Pine Point.
I am the abutting property The Animal Fair's land goes all the way back through the Ross Forest and to Portland Ave.
In around 1980 or 1981, The Animal Fair shut down, and they literally just opened the cages and left the state, leaving the animals to walk free all over Old Orchard Beach. For a period of about 6 months, I had two elephants stoping on my lawn every morning to eat apples off my trees, while 5 "semi tame" "trained dancing circus bears" lounged around my flower beds, a herd of around 10 peccary "pigs" ran squealing through my yard every sunset, an albino spider monkey took to sleeping in the giant 170 foot pine tree in my driveway, a cowatii moved into my chicken coop and ate half of my hens, and two adult Florida Puma spent nights on the roof of my house shrieking like banshees.
The two elephants froze to death during winter and their skeletons are still there in the forest if you go look for them, the police set up giant bear traps but the never caught the bear, hunters eventually shot all the peccary pigs. Helen Pearly eventually caught the white monkey.
And the two Florida Pumas... they had 5 kittens the following spring. There were at least three more kittens born in the mid 1990s and living under my house, in a hole they dug.
In 2024, I came home from work to an adult mother well over six feet long, sitting on the roof of my pink 1975 Dodge Sportman motorhome, looking down the roof vent and trying to chew it off, and when i opened the door I found her 2 kittens in the bathroom, where they had apparently fallen in through the roof vent, the kitten ran out the door and followed momma puma into the forest.
Florida Puma, descendants of the 2 the Animal Fair let loose in the 1980s, are a large and thriving herd of well over a dozen adult cats living right now in The Reclaim Blueberry Plains, of The Ross Forest, of Old Orchard Beach, Maine and have been sightings of them by well over a hundred families living on Portland Ave, Ross Rd, and Cascade Rd.
And yes, some people see lynx or bobcat and incorrectly call those cougars, because we got a shit ton load of bobcat and kynx all over Old Orchard Beach. Lynx and bobcat are also abundan here. There is no way you are going to mistake a 200lb Florida Puma for a 30lb lynx or a 20lb bobcat.
I don't know what happened to the white monkey. Helen Pearly died over two decades ago, and her petting zoo shut down with she died. I don't know what happened to the animals. I think they got sent to out of state zoos or something.
But, yeah, no, I know what your talking about, with the weird assed alien gibberish, because, since around 2007, I've had to deal with steady lines of tourists, trespassing in my yard, all claiming they were looking for aliens, gibbering about white monkey alien reptilian shapeshifters, asking to interview me about my so-called "alien abduction", and I've been absolutly clueless as to why they do it.
I had an uncle Bruce, who was a member of a bunch of crazy UFO alien religion cults, including both Heaven's Gate (the HaleBop Comet suicide cult) and MUFON. And I did find that he was giving interviews to "alien abduction journals" including MUFON and Art Bell's Coast to Coast. He was contacting them, claiming "my niece EelKat is an alien abductee and has an alien named Etiole living in her car".
EelKat is not my name, the homeless man living in my car back than is not named Etiole and he also is not an alien; I don't believe in aliens or UFOs; I was never abducted by aliens nor claimed to be.
My uncle Bruce spent the last five years of his life locked in a mental institute under police armed guard; on court orders, after he tried to kill a woman in Saco in 2015, because he claimed God came down from Planet Kolob and told him to cut that woman's foo off, a thing he tried to do in the Saco Dairy Queen parking lot. Five police officers were required to get him off the woman, and all five of those officers files adult complaints against him, a few weeks later after he was released on a $30k bail and went to each of their homes and assaulted each of them, while claiming that Satan was riding on his shoulder and telling him what to do. In court, he accused the judge of being a reptilian alien and really Goerge Bush in disguise… the court case ended with him being put in a mental institute in Saco, with a life sentence, with no chance of parole. He died in his cell four years later.
He is the same uncle Bruce who in 1968 threw his 2 year old sister off the Common Street Rail Road bridge in front of an oncoming car.
That oncoming car was a 1964 Dodge 330 owned by Dr. Larochile of Old Orchard Beach. My father bought that car in 1975, a week after I was born. At 5 years old, I bought that car in 1980, from my father, and still own it to this day.
My uncle Bruce, when asked to explain why he threw his sister in front of the car, he claimed that Satan was riding on the hood of the car and told him to do it.
In 1997, my Uncle Bruce found out my car was that same car and contacted MUFO and told them, my car was haunted and demon possessed and called it "The World's Most Haunted Car" and named it "The Goldeneagle" in his interviews.
He is the same uncle Bruce who by 2007 had contacted MUFON calling my homeless friend "an amphibious alien" and naming him "Etiole" in said interview; while calling me "an alien abductee" and naming me "EelKat" in the same interview.
When you know the SOURCE of the rumors and the fact that multiple court psychiatrists diagnosed my uncle Bruce as having schizophrenia, then you start to realize, how stupid the idiots are who believed him, and how laughable it is that anyone who think my car was haunted, or my friend is an alien, or I am an alien abductee.
My uncle was gossiping bullshitter, who thought nothing of spread vile, disgusting, slanderous rumors and lies about me, my family, my friends, and my car.
There are no aliens. No UFOs. No alien abductions. I don't know how people believe that crazy assed bull shit.
More info here:
No, My car is not haunted, debunking the Goldeneagle AGAIN
UFO & Alien Believers Are Weird-Part 1 of 8 |
UFO & Alien Believers Are Weird-Part 2 of 8 |
UFO & Alien Believers Are Weird-Part 3 of 8 |
UFO & Alien Believers Are Weird-Part 4 of 8 |
UFO & Alien Believers Are Weird-Part 5 of 8 |
UFO & Alien Believers Are Weird-Part 6 of 8 |
UFO & Alien Believers Are Weird-Part 7 of 8 |
UFO & Alien Believers Are Weird-Part 8 of 8 |
Wasn't This Page Different Yesterday?
Answering another question: "Wasn't this page different yesterday?"
Yep. Probably. I update pages daily. Move pages constantly. Re-write codes every few weeks. Publish 1 to 3 or sometimes as many as 10 new pages every day. And post daily updates on various pages. The front landing page (this one you are reading now) often changes daily. It'll feature different articles every day.
The reason this front home page changes daily is because every day I write a new article and type it directly into this front page. It takes a day or two to type up the code for making the stand alone page for the article, but once the stand alone page is coded, the article text is moved off the front page to its own dedicated article page/url.
The first draft of an article shows up here on the front home page, the day it's written, then 2 or 3 days later gets moved to it's own page with it's own url.
Meaning, anything you saw on the homepage here, is still on this website somewhere, it was just moved to it's own dedicated page. Nothing is ever deleted off of this site, nothing has been deleted off this site since 1996, nearly thirty years ago, thus why there are well over ten thousand pages here. (as of 2026 there are now over twenty thousand pages on this website).
I use bot blockers, so MOST of the pages can not be found via Google or Bing searches, and can only be accessed by clicking from a link directly on this website. I started doing this in 2015 after a hacker used my site to tack "pop over clones" of my pages, but with their edits, making it appear that my articles said something completly different then what was actually said. They did this to "insert" the names of several people in Old Orchard Beach, whom I had never heard of before, to make it look like my articles were talking about those specific names.
My real website is www . e e l k a t .com
The fake clone pages were being hosted on variations of that including:
3 3 l k a t .com
r e a l e e l k a t .com
e e e l k a t .com
e e l l k a t .com
e l l k a a t .com
...and well over a dozen other variations.
None of those articles were me and the hacker was identified as Joel B. and did go to prison for his actions.
Frame busting codes were added to my site, after his hacking attack, as prior to his attack, I was unaware it was possible to cause fake frames to load over a real website, making fake clone articles load over the original real articles.
This site is VERY active. If you don't come back daily, you'll definitely miss out on something.
Updated May 21, 2026, to answer reader questions about AI use.
Updated May 21, 2026, to answer reader questions about AI use.
Let's answer a few questions today, that all kind of go together, so I'm going to answer them all at once. Most of them have been sent to me through FB, others through Medium, Tumblr, Reddit, and other such places. And as I've gotten a couple hundred of them, it seems a LOT of you wanted to know. I had talked in various other pages on my site already, several times, but as most people land on the home page, and expect answers there, I'll write up a new answer to just stick here.
Okay, as there are so many questions, from so many people, all on this one topic, I'm going to paraphrase the key points they wanted to know rather then try to list every question.
The question askers are asking:
>>>"Have you started using AI for your art?"/"Why are you using AI for your art?"
While weird snarky ones say things like:
>>>"You use ai because you are a boomer!"/"You use AI because you are Gen X and only Gen X uses ai."
All of the questions boil down to multiple variations of those two points, so let's adress them now.
Not a boomer, not anywhere's near as old as many of you keep trying to make me out to be. I was born in 1975. Yet people frequently attribute things I've done to years before I was born.
For example a common rumor is I knew Stephen King in college, and yet, I looked it up and Stephen King went to college in the 1960s and he went to Southern Maine University (SMU) well over a decade before I was even born, vs I went to college in 2010 to 2013, and I started out my first semester in York County Community College (YCCC), tranfered to Southern Maine Community College/Technical Institute (SMCC, formerly SMTI), and was in the process of tranfereing to Harvard in Massachusettes (the golf club woman attacks 5 weeks prior to my leaving, thus why I never left). It is BEN who went to college with Stephen King, not me. Ben is 27 years older then me.
Another example is the Proctor and Gamble Boycot rumor that attributes me as it's founder, And yet, when I looked it up to find out what it even was, it was founded in 1973, two years before I was born in 1975. I do not know who the founders were, but I do know my grandmother Eva Viola Atwater was heavily involved in it, taking frequent trips to "animal rescue events", she was also involved in PETA, WWF, was an extreme animal rights activist protestor, was an extreme vegan type vegetarian, aand was rarely around because she was always taking plane trips to Alaska, Hawii, New Zealand, and Holland, with her fellow animal rights activist boycotters.
I inherted Grammy Eva's wild bright coloured outfits, custumes, muumu, and kimono collection when she died in 1994, and I started wearing her wardrobe as my full time daily wear, I still wear her cloths now in 2026... and it appears, that because locals wera used to see HER at all her animal rights protests... and are now seeing me wearing her wardrobe... that somehow BECAUSE I wear her clothes, people are mixing me up with her, thinking that I am her, and thus falsly attributing HER animal rights and vegan attivities to be, because they think I'm her.
I think, people were just so used to seeing her outlandish neon coloured costumes at protest events, that, they did not realize she died in 1994, because, it was in 1995 that I started wearing her outfits, so people just assume me and her were the same person, because they continue to see her costumes around Biddeford, but are not realizing they are now being worn by her granddaughter and not her.
I think too, that THIS is why people think I am a boomer... because they remember her from the 1950s in Old Orchard Beach, and again, yes, these ARE the exact same costumes that she was wearing in the 1950s, that I am wearing now in 2026.
So, no, I am not a boomer, as I am DECADES too young to be a boomer.
But yes, I am Gen X. I was bormn in 1975, and yes, I too have noticed the observation that Gen X is the age group that addopted AI use the quickest, so you are correct there. From people I've encountered on both sides (pro ai and anti ai), our age group seems to be the least anti. While everyone older then us and everyone younger then us seems to be the anti group.
I mentioned this a while back (on FB) and it seemed like everyone was saying "Yeah Geen X loves ai, but it's only Gen X and no one else". I don't know how true that is, but I asked in response "So if just say your birth year in if you are pro ai or against and let's see if it's only Gen X"... and it kind of was (at least in the FB group)...
...everyone born 1965 to 1985 was all loving ai and making loads of ai art...
...while everyone born 1986 to 2020s were all hating and boycotting ai...
...while everyone born pre 1964 was saying things like "ai ain't real, you read too much scifi".
I don't know if that's an accurate spread for everywhere or not, because like I said it was just one FB group for artists.
Now
I can't speak for why other life long professional artists turned to using ai, but I can tell you why I started using ai for art. I was a watercolour illustrator (picture books) since the 1970s. It was my full time job.
In 2013, a few days after the backhoe drove over my house leaving me homeless, the attackers returned armed with golf clubs, they broke my spine, severed my spinal column, and murdered my 8 month old baby (the FBI murder investigation is still ongoing now 13 years later, the 3 attackers have not yet been identified or caught).
The attack left me paralyzed, quadriplegic for nine years. In 2021 I had regained enough nerve movement to start trying to move again, I regained the use of two fingers on my right hand, and now in 2026, it is still only these 2 fingers that I can use. I am now able to stand up for a few minutes and take a few steps, but most of my body is still largely paralyzed.
In 2024 a fellow artist told me about AI art, they had started experimenting with it and quickly became addicted.
A couple months later, they showed me some art that AI had made, that was so identical to their art style it was nearly impossible to tell which one was the AI.
I asked how they did it and they explained they had scanned a bunch of their own art, used it to "local train" an AI program, and taught it to mimic their style.
Now, while I am still painting, now with my only two usable fingers, and thus have a new art style completely in my recent paintings as a result of my limited dexterity, I've got a long ways to go, to be able to paint like I could before the golf club attack of 20013, and it's unlikely I can ever go back fully to my old style.
So, I tested out doing the exact same thing, this other artist friend had done. I've got forty+ years of my art that can be scanned in, and, so I spent most of 2024 doing nothing but local training an ai program on my art.
End result? It outputs stuff pretty close to my old style. So, for the past two years I've returned to book illustrating again, and it still looks like it's me old style, but it's all AI. And I've made no secret that my new art is AI, so it's had mixed reactions from my long time fans, some are glad to see new art coming out again, others are raging infernos of AI hatred at me.
I feel like a lot of the anti-AI people have never used AI and really have no clue how it works at all. The fact that I'm constantly running into people who did not know you can upload your own work and ask AI to make edits and changes, EXACTLY THE SAME WAY you manually make edits and changes in GIMP and Photoshop, is rather astounding.
I get accused of "you stole it"... uhm, no, I literally used Himi Gouache paint, Winsor & Newton ink, Paul Rubens Watercolor Paint, squirrel tail mop brushes, micron sakura archival ink pens, metal nip dip pens, crayola pencils, on 140lb cold press archival quality, cotton rag paper, then held my phone over the art, asks AI to scan it, and fix the list of errors I wanted fixed. That is what AI does, and I'm surprised by how many people don't know that.
I'm literally spending WEEKS drawing and painting with real paint on real paper, I spend over $5k a year on professional paints and paper, and paint these images myself, a thing I have been doing since the 1970s... and the finished product when you digitize it always has muddiness and flash glare that isn't on the original, but that's what happens when you scan real paint on canvas art... for the finished product to be able to be used as book illustrations or visual novel game art, I have AI create a digitized version that removes the muddiness and flash glares.
I mean, I could talk about the recent trend in video games say "all hand drawn" and then showing their artists using digital pens to point and click and... yeah, digital art isn't hand-drawn, but, it isn't. if you are using a computer or tablet, no, you ain't drawing, you ain't painting. Show a real paintbrush, made out of wood with hair on the end, not a pen shaped mouse and drag and drop clicks on a tablet screen, if you want me to believe the game art is hand draw. To my mind, if you call it "hand drawn" and I find out it's digital art, I'm gonna call it false advertising.
I've never considered digital art "real art", I still don't. But, I have no issues with people making digital art and using it in their games. I've seen some amazing art from digital artists.
I haven't got a clue how to make digital art. I'm a classically trained pen and ink and watercolour painter. My paintings have been on display in art galleries and art museums in Portland, Maine.
So, when I see digital artists yelling at AI artists, I'm just sitting here thinking: wait, neighter of you are doing art, why are you fighting with each other, your both using a computer to make art, how is tablet digital art different from ChatGPT digital art? I see no difference in them at all. Neigther used paint. Neigther used brushes. Neigther used paper.
And then, here I am, I'm actually using real pigments, real brushes, real paper, spending weeks on a single painting... heck I make my own paints with a glass muller , I make watercolour paints out of eyeshadow set,... but if I ask AI to scan it and give me a digital version of it, suddenly the digital artists who never saw a muller in their life, wouldn't know how to grind pigments, yell at me because I use AI to make a clean digital copy of my canvas painting, so that I can have a better printing/screen quality version for use in a game.
Isn't that a double standard?
I'm like, well, whatever, I'm crippled, paralyzed, wheelchair bound, likely will never be able to fully create "human" art again, because three attackers armed with a backhoe and golf clubs, drove said backhoe over my house, beat my infant's head in with a golf club, severed my spine with a golf club... and 13 years later we still don't know who they are or why they attacked... I lost my house, my son, my career, my movement, everything I owned that was in the house, all in one day... and I've spent 13 years paralyzed and trying to regain some movement at all, only to gain the use of two fingers on one hand...
...so yeah, people can be pissed off by me using AI now, but the fact is, it's the first real progress I've had in anything at all in the last 13 years.
I did not consent to a backhoe driving over my house.
I did not consent to my baby being murdered.
I did not consent to being crippled with a golf club.
And if AI is able to restore ability to consent to making my own choices again... including a return to my art career... then I do not consent to anti-AI BS from people who have no clue why I started using it, or no compassion, for how much AI has helped me regain some level of freedom over my own life choices again.
To me, ai is a tool that has helped me to return to my art career, in spite of being severely disabled. Without ai, I could not have returned to my art career.
My end result is I don't feel either anti or pro about ai.
I feel like any tool it can be used for good or bad. Like any tool, it's how the person uses it, not the tool itself, that becomes a problem.
I don't think anyone should be fighting over their art method.
I do traditional art, others do digital art. AI is just a form of digital art.
Are there unscrupulous people who steal art from artists and abuse AI to do so. Yes. But that only makes the PEOPLE who are doing the stealing and misuse bad, it does not make AI art in and of itself bad.
AI is a tool. Just that and nothing more. I don't think it is something worth fighting about. It's just one more tool we can add to our tool box and we can choose to use it or not. I don't see that it is worth fighting about. If some people don't want to use it, fine, no one is forcing them too. If someone else does want to use it, fine, no one is stopping them. I really do not understand the who pro ai vs anti ai debate at all. I don't hate ai enough to become anti ai but at the same time, I don't love ai enough to become pro ai. My feeling is just "meh, it's there, it's another option I can use along side my other tools".
so, there you go.
I am still painting, but I am no longer able to do the fine details I once could do. So the method I use currently, is using crayons, coloured penciels,guoache, watercolours, and ink, to make the image, and then, ask Dalle3 to look at one of my old paintings in my old art style, and upgrade the new painting to the same style.
Thus how I created paintings like this:
The Pink necromancer, Quaraun the Insane, and his magic mirror|
King Gwallmaiic aka BoomFuzzy the Unicorn |
Quaraun's Pink Silk Tent and one of his Sand Raptors |
No, my car is not haunted
Debunking the "The world's most haunted car"... AGAIN
Apparently this needs to be here because people REFUSE to stop arriving in my driveway to ask abou my car.
This photo of my car was taken on a Fiji film in a Kodak camera in 1987 at 146 Portland Ave, Old Orchard Beach, Maine and yes I still have the original photo and negatives. No, no one using this picture online in videos or blogs or podcasts has permission to do so.
I am so damned sick of these idiots showing up calling my car haunted. I don't know who is telling you my car is haunted, but whoever it was, go back to them and tell them to go fuck themselves. The whole haunted car thing was started by my uncle Bruce after he through his 2 year old baby sister off a train bridge, on Common Street, in Saco, Maine, at Pepperell Square, in 1968; and then had to come up with a story for why he did it. He claimed the car had a demon living in it and it had told him to do it. My father bought the car that hit her in 1975, I bought it from him in 1983, not knowing it's history. I found out it's history in May 2010 when my uncle Bruces Church (Saco Ward church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) showed up claiming the car had a demon in it. At the time a local homeless WW2 vet (now in his 90s in 2026) was sleeping in my car at night (I was letting him do so to get out of the rain), and he is only 5'3" and badly scarred, so the church group claimed HE was the demon they were looking for, then cut my car in half and stole it. i found my car 5 days later at a junkyard in Freeport, Maine.
The Freeport junkyard, returning my car to me after police verified ownershipYes I still have it, here it is...
@eelkat since I've been flooded with hundreds of messages the past two weeks asking if I still own "the world's most haunted car", yes, and here it is, filmed today May 18, 2026… but my son Xavier is dead, i am crippled and given that people are AGAIN showing up calling my Dodge "haunted", calling my friend "an alien", calling me "transgender", and spreading wild defamation slander connecting me to Stephen King, I think I need to start taking down the contact information of every blogger, podcaster, youtuber, and social media account spreading these rumors, and sue every single one of them for CAUSING my car to be cut in half May 10, 2010, for CAUSING the backhoe that drove over my house August 8, 2013, for CAUSING my son's murder November 14, 2013, for CAUSING me to be crippled and in a wheelchair November 14, 2013, and for CONTINUING to CAUSE harassers to show up in person to harass me near daily, STILL now in 2026. EVERYONE telling you my car is haunted, telling you my friend is an alien, calling my car "the goldeneagle", calling my friend "Etiole", or trying to connect me or my car to Stephen King, is lying to you. They crippled me when I was 8 months pregnant, and a woman with a golf club, severed my spine and bashed my baby's head in, I spent 9 years relearning to walk, and the FBI is 13 years into the murder investigation and not yet identified the attacker who crippled me and killed my baby, both violently with a golf club and the FBI believes that it is friends and family of the woman who did it, are the ones who started and spread the rumors saying my car is haunted, saying I'm an alien abductee, saying all kinds of similar bs about aliens, ufos, ghosts, witchcraft, demons, and Stephen King connections, even though I don't believe in ghosts, aliens, ufos, demons, and had never heard of Stephen King before 30k of his fans showed up in my yard trying to find my car! FBI believes the backhoe driver and the murderer are the same person and it is a developer who wanted my land and so started the Stephen King, ghost, and alien rumors all in an attempt to drive me off my land, and when it didn't work they drove a backhoe over my house, and when that didn't work they crippled me and killed my son. Why are they doing this? How do I get them to stop?
♬ original sound - Wendy C Allen | 📚 Yaoi Author
^^ 1964 #Dodge 330 that people call “Goldeneagle” or “world’s most haunted car” even though I keep telling them my car is not haunted, but they never believe me because they say Stephen King told them it was and gave them my address and told them it was okay to come over here, even though I keep saying it’s my car not his, it’s my yard not his, and he has no right to be telling his friend to come over here at all #maine #artcar #volvo
Ever since then, I've had endless UFO nuts, MUFON idiots, religion crazed freaks, and conspiracy theory nutjobs showing up claiming my car is somehow connected to Stephen King. My yard suddenly became a tourist hot spot with Stephen King fans who took to stealing parts off my car while claiming it was "The World's Most Haunted Car", and "Goldeneagle" and "Christine", and kept attacking my homeless WW2 vet friend calling him "Etiole", and "demon", and EBE", and "amphibious alien".
My friend went into hiding and I had to put my car in a storage unit.
A backhoe drove over my house August 8, 2013, and the FBI is still uncertain who did it or why, because at the time there were so many Stephen King fans showing up from all over the country that it could have been any one of them who did it.
My infant son was murdered November 14, 2013, and I was crippled and paralized that same day... and again, the FBI is looking at ALL of the well over THIRTY THOUSANDS Stephen King fans who post online calling my car "The World's Most Haunted Car" as ALL being possible suspects of having murdered my son... the REASOn the FBI is looking at Stephen King fans... the FBI says the description I gave of the woman, is a CosPlay of a Stephen King character.
Do know that if ypou have EVER mentioned my car online and called it "The WQorld's Most Haunted Car" or claimed it had a connection toStephen King (yes, even those podcasters) you ARE now counted as a possible suspect in my son's murder and HAVE been (and possible STILL ARE BEING) investigated by the FBI.
My Uncle Bruce is the idiot who cars my car The Goldeneagle (I don't know why) and he called it "he world's Most Haunted Car" to try to lessen his juvie-prison time from trying to murder his 2 year old sister. The "amphibious aliens" article you guys keep asking about was written by him on Squidoo and some MUFON site. I later took a copy of his "amphibious aliens" article, and went line by line answering the bull shit lies he said about me, debunking the ghost, haunting, demon, and alien rumours.
In short "The World's Most Haunted Car" was a scam started by my Uncle Bruce, and I've debunked his bullshit many times now.
So, no, there is NO haunted car, I have no clue if there was a Stephen King connection or not, seeing how I wasn't born until 1975, nearly a decade after the 1968 events, I didn't even know people were calling my car haunted until it was attacked by religion crazed nut job alien lunatics in 2010.
If YOU think my car is haunted, I think you're a frigging lunatic who belongs in a straightjacket.
The car is a 1964 Dodge 330 Coronet 25th anniversary edition (25th anniversary of the invention of the Dodge Coronet in 1939), only 5,000 were made, yes I still have it, no I've never called it The Goldeneagle, no it's never been repaired since the crazy church idiots chopped it up in 2010, no it is not haunted, no my friend is not an alien, no he no longer sleeps in my car (he hasn't since 2010), yes he still lives in Old Orchard Beach/Ocean Park, yes any one telling you my car is haunted is lying to you, yes anyone telling you mu friend is not human is lying to you., no I don't know Stephen King, I have several relatives who claim they know Stephen King but I don't know if they do or not you would have to ask them yourself.
The name Etiole and Captain Goldeneagle both come from "Friends Are Forever" a book I wrote when I was 3 years old. This is the drawing I made for the 1981 version of the book (I was 6 years old when I drew it) Eiole is a silver skinned eel merman. He is not real. He is a fictional character. I shouldn't have to say that a FICTION MERMAN from a book is NOT REAL, and I especially should not have to say it dozens of times a week to the idiot adults who show up in my yard looking to meet him. He was the main character of my Twighlight Manor series from 1978 to 2006 (I killed him off in the volume Love, Lust, Madness in 2006).
These books, this series, is what he is a character from:
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Specifically, Etiole appears in this volume, in fact, that's him on the cover:
He is the great-grandson of The Pink Necromancer Quaraun, who is the current main character of the same series (I renamed the series The Adventures of The Pink Necromancer Quaraun the Insane in 2014 when the 35th anniversary editions of the series were released). In 2020 I asked readers what we should do for the upcoming 50th anniversary of the series (in 2028) and hands down everyone was requesting Etiole appear in the stories again, as he'd not been used in any story since 2006, which was set far ahead of the current new releases timeline, meaning he was still alive in that era. So... in 2021 I announced Etiole would be returning to the 50th anniversary editions and painted him on my car.
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The 3d printed minis of Etiole, art by me |
Apparently, my painting him on my car in October 2021, incited some mentally deranged locals to start caloling my Volvo haunted and, next thing I know I have podcasters from New York requesting interviews about my Dodge and Etiole with them calling the homeless man whom had lived in my car in 2010, "Etiole" and for some reason thinking I was claiming my car was haunted, and thinking I was claiming my homeless friend was an alien. And from November 2021 into now in 2026, the onslaught of ufo nuts, Stephen King fans, and ghost hunting freaks is now worse then it was back in 2010... THIS TIME, they are all citing podcasters in New York has having given them my home address! The New York Podcasters were told when they were here, that I do not believe in ghosts, demons, aliens, or hauntings, and told that I am sick of people slandering me, my homeless WW2 vet friend, and my cars, and sick of people trying to monetize my son's murder by slapping my name beside Stephen King's name to clickbait scam their viewers.
My son was MURDERED and these vile, disjusting grifters and toxic scum bag scam artists are just trying to get video clicks off Stephen King's name and think slandering me and my friends and family is a good way to make money!
@eelkat #etiole #homelesspeople #homelessness #homelessinmaine #homeless #oldorchardbeach #maine #forest #leanto #homelesslivesmatter #homelessman #den #hermit #mainehermit #mainemountainman #mountainmen #mainelife #mainelifestyle #mainehomeless #homelesscommunity #homelesscrisis #homelessveteran #homelessveteranawareness #homelessawareness #homelesselder #homelesselderly ♬ original sound - Wendy C Allen | 📚 Yaoi Author
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And THIS ^^^ is the homeless 90+ year old World War Two veteran that you retarded brain dead idiots are calling "Etiole" and slandering him calling him an alien or demon. THAT is where/how he lives and WHY I was letting him sleep in my car at night.
And I'm sick of you stupid fucktards harassing him.
- DO NOT TRUST ANYONE telling you my car is haunted, telling you my friend is an alien, calling my car "the goldeneagle", calling my friend "Etiole", or trying to connect me or my car to Stephen King.
- EVERYONE telling you my car is haunted, telling you my friend is an alien, calling my car "the goldeneagle", calling my friend "Etiole", or trying to connect me or my car to Stephen King, is lying to you.
- ANYONE telling you my car is haunted, telling you my friend is an alien, calling my car "the goldeneagle", calling my friend "Etiole", or trying to connect me or my car to Stephen King, is trying to scam you.
All of this is leading to ever growing concerns of WHO is behind these malicious slanderous rumors about me and my car and how far extreme they are going to try to cover up my son's murder and the backhoe driving over my house:...keeping in mind that I have low functioning non verbal autism and have only just recently had the jaw surgery to give me the ability to speak, and I am currently still learning how to talk, so I've never had the ability to SPEAK about what has been going on before... but also... I've been paralized and offline since November 14, 2013, and only just recently returned to the internet to find out that someone has been impersonating me online this entire time... and when I say offline... I was fully paralized... and even now in May 2026, I have only yet regained the use of JUST TWO FINGERS so it is very difficult for me to even type up this responce to what is going on, that combined with my 50 years mute and only just noe learning to speak, but not yet able to speak well, makes it very difficult for me to respond either with typing or vocally to this horrific series of events going on...but here's a video of me trying to talk about it...
Thoughts on Transgender issues...
I see that 2 of Maine's political runners are debating trans in bathrooms and the use of the word cis this week (mARCH 8, 2026) on their social media accounts, so i thought I'd say this for anyone wondering my thoughts on the issue. I didn't used to use the term cis before I was in a wheelchair but I started using BECAUSE of HOW and WHY I ended up in a wheelchair.
I've never been assaulted by a trans person anywhere.
But, I am a cis female who has been assaulted over a dozen times, since 2013, in female bathrooms, by other cis females who accused me of being transgender even though I'm not, at one point while i was 8 months pregnant! Every one of them made claims of having to protect women, one while hitting me with a golf club, that killed my baby and left me with a broken spine and in a wheelchair since her attack in 2013.
My best friend is a trans man and is have several trans women friends, most people don't know they are trans and they don't dare tell anyone because of how crazy violent cis woman are against trans people here in Maine, thanks to a mega church that has 3 congregations within 7 miles of each of other 2 in Biddeford, 1 in Sanford, and the owner preaching against trans people.
I've never met a violent trans person, but I've met dozens of violent cis women who used their ministers as their excuse for why they had to beat up what they assumed to be trans women.
No trans person has ever hurt me, but on August 8, 2013 a cis person drove a backhoe over my house in Old Orchard Beach Maine while yelling they were doing it because I was transgender, even though i am not transgender... and on November 14, 2013 cis person beat 8 month pregnant me up with a golf club at Southern Maine Community College in South Portland killing my baby and severing my spine, while yelling that they were doing it because i was transgender, again, even though i am not transgender... leaving me in a wheelchair ever since.
It's getting crazy, how vicious the trans hunting and Trans accusations are here in Maine.
What's crazier is that these very violent trans haters are seen as good people, even though they literally left me homeless, murdered my son, and put me in a wheelchair.
No trans person has ever hurt me, I can't say the same thing about non trans people.
My house at 146 Portland Avenue, Old Orchard Beach, Maine, July 4, 2013 vs August 8, 2013... never forget this is what transphobes of Maine do to pregnant cis women whom they falsely accuse of being transgender....my house July 4, 2013, picture taken because we were also done building the baby room on the back of the building - notice the building permit for said baby room in the window. vs my house August 8, 2013, only 30 days later, when a deranged lunatic drove over it with a backhoe AND had a dump truck haul it away... while I was gone to work ... only 90 days before the same people who were there in my yard with the backhoe, would arrive at the college November 14, 2013 and murder the baby the room was being built for after demolishing said baby room.If you encounter a page which asks for a password, no, you can not request access. There are over 2k pages of this website set to password access, due to the ongoing FBI investigation into my son's murder. If you are a police officer authorized access these pages but do not have the passwords, let me know, I will deliver the passwords to the specific pages you are allowed to access, to you via the Portland FBI office and you can pick them up from the FBI agent in charge of the murder investigation.
Pages where you can find out more information on that:
People always ask why I have a video recorder running 24/7. Watch these 4 videos of The Scarborough Walmart.
People always ask why I have a video recorder running 24/7. Watch these 4 videos of The Scarborough Walmart.
I have a video recorder running 24/7. Because this parking lot is where I was attacked a second time by the woman who crippled me with the golf club at Southern Maine Community College in 2013 (who also murdered my 8-month-old son at the same time) this is the location of her 2nd attack, the July 2016 attack with a shopping cart, the attack that left me in a wheelchair and despite over 200 "security cameras" and signs saying there are cameras in use... the police did not find even ONE actual REAL camera. Every "security camera" on this building and parking lot was ALL fake "dummy cameras" and that is why there is no video footage of my son's murderer.
I started carrying a camera 24/7 the very next day after Scarborough police informed me they could not identify the blonde woman who attacked me or her gold Volvo 240GL station wagon, because EVERY CAMERA at this store's parking lot was an empty case with no real camera inside it. My son would be 12 years old this Christmas 2025, and his murderer walks free, still unidentified because this parking lot did not have real cameras.
Those things that look like cameras on the building and light poles, are fake, according to the Scarborough Police Department. That is why I have a camera running 24/7, because my son's killer walks free because there was no camera the day we were attacked.
February 13, 2026, additional update
Answering question that was sent to me from NextDoor & FaceBook:
I have stage 4 MS (multiple sclerosis). I have had MS since I was 16, though doctors had misdiagnosed it several times, and it was not until I was 42 years old when doctors realized the original diagnoses was wrong. At 42 the diagnosis was changed to "Stage 4 MS" with a mumbled apology of "had this been correctly diagnosed back when you was a teenager, it probably wouldn't have gotten to stage 4 at all, as there is treatment if diagnosed early".
No, I am not able to stand in an upright position for more then an hour or two a day, often I can not stand at all.
Yes, what people keep calling a "rollator" is NOT a rollator. It is a Vocic z51 Transitional Wheelchair, you can look up the model yourself, the company that makes them has several videos and articles on what it does and why it's made.
It is a Vocic z51 Transitional Wheelchair, that is made specifically for people with MS and similar mobility issues. What this means is it is a wheelchair, that has stability bars in its sides (those big square rods that form an A-frame on each side of it), which allows me to put my full weight on it and stand up using it for support. Most wheelchairs are not made with stability bars like this, because they are designed for people who are never or rarely standing up. If you look at the handle bar, it is double sided - meaning 4 handles, instead of 2. 2 forward facing handles so I can hold them and use them to stand up, this allows the chair to be used like a rollator pushed by the patient (me) to use to exercise leg muscles for physical therapy, and 2 backward faceing handles for a caretaker to push the wheelchair while I am sitting. It has the option to have a motor added to it, turning it into a power wheechair as wheel.
This sort of wheelchair is primarily used as physical therapy for wounded soldiers who are relearning to walk. It is the type of wheelchair used for people with MS, POTs, and other similar disorders as well.
As this chair is designed for MS and ALS, it also has the option of adding voice propelled (like what Steven Hawkings used on his wheelchair) via an AI computer; these feature is for people whom have lost use of their arms, and are using it as a powerchair, but can not push the power buttons with their hands, so can voice activate the chair to move on it's own. The company makes several other different features and add ons for this chair, each designed for use by people with different illnesses. But I am only familar with it's MS specific features, as those are the ones I need it for.
Because it is designed to be a wheelchair 90% of it's usage time and only typically used as a rollator for under two hours a day, it features a layered memory foam seat designed for sitting in 4+ hours to a time.
It is what is known in mobility aid communities as a "transport wheelchair" or an "ambulatory wheelchair", so if you've ever heard of this device before, that is likely the term you would have heard. This "name" come from the fact that they are used by people who travel a lot, for example someone who is a CosPlayer and travels to a lot of conventions, would have this sort of wheelchair because it's smaller and lighter then a typical more standard wheelchair (only 32" wide and only 50lbs, vrs most wheelchairs are much wider and can weight over 200lbs), and can be folded down "small-ish) to fit in a car (maybe) (mine does not fit in either my Volvo or either of my parents' cars, thus why I have a wheelchair trailer for it on the back of my Volvo; I have only 1 friends who has a car this fits in, so it's NOT as easily fit into most cars as the company advertises it to be... it also is too wide to fit through MOST doors of MOST houses, and only fits through just ONE door of our apartment building).
Because I primarily sell my books (novels, print/paperbacks) out of tent/booths at carnivals, car shows, festivals, comicbook conventions, state fairs, ect, the need to be able to have a wheelchair I can both take in my car and sit in for 4+ hours to a time, was a primary factor in choose this particular make/model wheelchair over the dozen+ others like it by other companies. So, yes, when you see me at LaKermeese or PortCon or Yarmouth Clam Festival or Moxie Festival or the Autism Awareness Car Show or the Saco Spirit Car show, yes, this wheelchair is in fact what I am sitting in. I can not use folding chair or seating provided by most such events.
While I am able to stand up and walk a few feet with a cane, the distance is so short, that I can not even make it half way down the distance of my driveway.
For a few months in late 2023/early 2024, I was able to walk around the block with only a cane, which doctors at the time thought was reversal symptoms caused by medications, however, an MS flareup in summer 2024, reversed whatever that was, and I've not been able to walk with a cane since. Doctors have been unable to determine why a brief period of heightened mobility happened or why is just as suddenly went away, my doctors explanation was the shrug and say "It's MS, it does that sometimes". It was innitally thought to be a sign of improvment caused by medication, and later decided to be "just one of those things MS does sometimes".
Attempts to sit in a upright position for more then a couple hours a day cause severe flare ups and paralyze. For example, on January 31, we went to see the Iron Lung movie, it was not until February 4 (4 days later) that I was able to sit in an upright position again, and it was February 7 (7 days later) before I was able to stand up again. This is because the amount of exertion on my nerves and muscles, that was requires to sit unmoving for a 2 hout long movie. This side effect is WHY it had been 13 years since the last time I have gone to a movie. I simply can not sit up for a space of 2+ hours without serious debilitating side effects that last for a week or more.
MS has variable symptoms by person, depending on which nerves have eroded holes in them. Yes, that is what MS does: it is literally holes in your nerves, This is like if you punched holes into electric wires of your table lamp and then had intermittent connections, where sometimes your lights came on, other times the lamps flicker, and other times no connection ability of turn on the lights at all. MS is like that. So depended on where the lesions have occurred a person can have different symptoms. For me my legs (both), left arm, and left hand are where the worst of the "nerve hole legions" impact.
Additionally I have rheumatoid arthritis (diagnosed at age 4, this is a lifelong thing, that grew worse in recent years). It is in my primarily hip and shoudlers. My right leg bone is fully fused to my right hip bone, there is no cartalage; this is why I drag my right leg and can not put any substantial weight on it. This leg gets progressivly shorter, due to the top of my leg bone slowly pushing it's way up higher into the socket joint of my hip. My leg is about a 1/4" shorter now, then it was 20 years ago, so i's a slow getting shorter, but this is also who I am unable to simple "stand up" aka, the shortened leg causes balance issues and attempts to stand up (without a mobility aid) cause me to immediately topple top heavily to the right and fall over. This is why I have used a cane, staff, or walking stick since I was just six years old, aka my whole life.
In 2013 my condition grew dramatically worse when, a still yet unidentified woman wielding a golf club, should up at the Buglight Lighthouse Art Studio Parking Lot of Southern Maine Community College, November 14, 2013, at a few minutes past 10PM. I was leaned over into the back seat of my Volvo putting my easle and pait bag in my car, when someone screaming "I'm Clair!" showed up behind me. I did not have time to turn around to see who was yelling or why, before she started beating me with a golf club. I was 8 month pregnent, with my 8th pregnacy, and my 1st pregnancy to reach 5 months+ without a misscarrige. He attack, caused a labour and beat my baby's head in on the parking lot with her golf club, seconds after he was born, her golf club also, broke 3 vertebrae of my spine, broke my hip, broke my pelvis, and broke my knee.
However, the current state I am in now, happened June 26, 2016 at the Scarborough Walmart parking lot, when the same woman, this time with a early 1990s gold Volvo station wagon, pulled up beside my Volvo while I was taking bags of groceries out of a shopping cart and putting them in my car. She leaped out of the gold Volvo, grabbed the shopping cart, and started using it as a battering ram to hit me, while accusing me of being transgender and yelling "That's EelKat she tried to kill my husband!" She was dragged away by a red hair woman, and they both left in the gold Volvo station wagon. This event severed my spinal column, leaving my quadriplegic, ZERO use of my arms or legs at all, and is the injury from which I am currently doing physical therapy to regain use of my arms and legs. It is also why I have not been online for a decade, and why you are only just starting to see me return to the internet after so many years not online.
This attack happened 2 days after I had surgery (June 24, 2016) so that I could talk (I was born near mute, unable to open my jaw or form words, I was not able to start forming clear word sounds until December of 2016, so I was not physically able to call out for help during either attack.
I am also legally blind, born that way; without glasses I can see only eight inches; with glasses I can see around seven feet. So I did not see her approach in either atack.
I am also nearly deaf, again, since birth, suffering from a tonal distortion, meaning I can only hear certain pitches that are very high (for example I can hear a bird singing from quite a distance, but I can not hear someone talking just a few inches from me). So I did not hear her approach in either attack, and am not able to clearly make out what she said to me.
These two attacks (2013 and 2016) are WHY I now have a camera that records 24/7.
I know no one named Clair and I've no clue who this woman is or why she attacked either time. She'd be about 80 years old now in 2026 though and the FBI has an active tip hotline for anyone who has any information leading to her arrest. She's wanted both for crippling me and murdering my son.
I have had agoraphobia most of my life, and from 1983 until 2010 had rarely been outside. From 2010 to 2013 I attended Southern Maine Community College 3 times a week as therapy to try to learn out to go outside and talk to people. It was my first time attending school, I had not gone to grade school or high school, so my first year at collage was all adult education remedial classes for learning basics so I could get a GED and take the actual college courses.
Meaning, I have NEVER had interactions with Humans EVER in the forty years prior to 2010 or the decade+ since 2013, so I have ZERO people I know outside of the friends I made in college.
ZERO.
NONE.
And among the things this woman said were "you were just like this in high school" which immediatly proves she has me mixed up with someone else, as I NEVER went to school at all.
These two attacks (2013 and 2016) are WHY I now have a camera that records 24/7.
As of right now February 2026:
-I had full function of my right thumb and two right fingers. Partial movement of the right ring and pinkie fingers. Very stiff, limited movement without any grip strength of all my left fingers and left hand. I can move my right arm on limited levels, but I can not lift my arm up high enough to brush my hair. I can briefly raise my arm upright, but it locks my fingers into a stiff straight position, and I can not bend them, aka I can pick up a hair brush, but raising my arm high enough to brush my hair caused my hand to ungrip and drop the brush This is nerve damage and may or may not improve.
-Neither of my legs has either the nerve function or the muscle strength to hold me up more then a few minutes, this is the primary reason I can not walk. Putting my weight onto the wheelchair allows me to shift my weight off my legs and onto the wheelchair, which gives me brief, limited abilty to walk short distances, but so far, not more then a couple hundred yards. As of right now I can make it from the driveway to the railroad tracks, about 750 feet, in a space of around an hour (most people take under 5 minutes to walk that distance). I am usually able to do this twice a day if a take a four hour nap after he first attempt.
-I can not lift either leg up high enough to use stairs. My leg lifts to a height of under 2 inches, while most stairs are 6 to 8 inches per step. I am ONLY able to use stairs IF another person PHYSICALLY CARRIES ME up the stairs. Yes, even if it is just 2 or 3 steps and not a full stair case. i have ZERO ability to use stairs AT ALL. I can not even lift my leg up high enough to step up onto the curb of a sidewalk, and require a person with me to lift me up over the curb, if there is no ramp on the sidewalk.
-While I had gone to culinary school and used to work on a food truck, and had at one point planned to open my own restaurant... I am no longer able to cook MOST foods, because of not being able to lift a pot of water. this has seriously changed my diet as EVERYTHING requiring being cooking in boiling water, I physically can no longer make. And something like a frozen pizzza, is also too heavy for my to lift. with only 2 fully functioning fingers on one hand, I can still cut vegetables with a knife, and with the way my left arm hangs unusable at my side but forarm bent, i am able to use my left arm like a tray to sort of carry things... BUT... not being able to stand unaided, I have to hold on to walls or tables or chairs, when trying to cook. I am right now stubbornly still attempting to cook, but, I would estimate that in under two years, I will no longer be able to either cook or feed myself at all and so likely will need to look into hiring a live in caretaken within the next 24 months. I don't seem to have any other option.
-I am in bed 18+ hours a day and it can take an hour or more to sit upright in bed and even longer to try to stand up.
-I used a combination of AI voice to text software and my two usable fingers to type this and everything I type, thus why spelling can be quite bad at times.
Does that answer your questions?
Also, most people don't like answering medical related questions, I'm not most people, but you might want to consider that when asking others questions like you asked me.
The golf club woman who called herself Clair as she looked November 14, 2013. Her hair is a weird chin leangth pageboy (very Medival style cut) platinum blonde with wide brown/black dyed stripes in it (like a reverse of Lily Munster, but the stripes are several, almost like a zebra). I am 5'6" and she was a LOT taller then me, like closer to the height of a man; she had thin lips like a man, and large nose like a man... she COULD have been a man disguised as a woman, given the ease with which she severed my spine....she's is a LOT stronger then is typical for a woman). She was wearing a chambre blue denim "blazer jacket over shirt" and a button up mens shirt (possibly flannel) and blue jeans. The bulk of her yelling was focused on accusing me of being transgender, even while ripping my baby out of my 8 month pregnant belly and bashing his head in with a golf club. Given her screaming "I'm Claire!" and yelling "you transvestite freak" at me, I'm wondering if it was a man, pretending to be someone named Claire and having internal issues with his own being dressed as a woman? Based on how excessively wrinkled her face was I would guess her age to be 60 to 70, but could be younger if a heavy smoker or younger if was wearing age makeup. If her age is guessed by wrinkles on face, she'd be around 80 years old now in 2026.
The golf club woman who called herself Clair as she looked November 14, 2013. Her hair is a weird chin leangth pageboy (very Medival style cut) platinum blonde with wide brown/black dyed stripes in it (like a reverse of Lily Munster, but the stripes are several, almost like a zebra). I am 5'6" and she was a LOT taller then me, like closer to the height of a man; she had thin lips like a man, and large nose like a man... she COULD have been a man disguised as a woman, given the ease with which she severed my spine....she's is a LOT stronger then is typical for a woman). She was wearing a chambre blue denim "blazer jacket over shirt" and a button up mens shirt (possibly flannel) and blue jeans. The bulk of her yelling was focused on accusing me of being transgender, even while ripping my baby out of my 8 month pregnant belly and bashing his head in with a golf club.The Claire woman as she looked during her shoping cart attack at Scarborough WalMart June 2016, the attack with left me paralyzed and in a wheelchair. Her hair was dyed dark red, and she drove away in a gold Volvo 240 Station Wagon of a late 1980s/early1990s model, with a "458" on the lisnce plate.
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 Claire woman as she looked when she attacked at PortCon June 2023 at the Hilton Hotel, at the Round One at the Maine Mall, and at my dad's apartment in Biddeford. (the green hair was a cheap dollar store style clown wig)(the purple hair was a comb in caulk dye) |
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This woman is pure evil.
If you know evil is going on and you do nothing about it, are you not also evil?
If you stand by doing nothing, when evil happens, are you not supporting that evil by allowing it to continue?
You can not stand by silent about evil you witnessed, unless you support that evil being done.
If you know evil is going on and you turn a blind eye to it, you are evil.
People always ask why I have a video recorder running 24/7. Watch these 4 videos of The Scarborough Walmart.
I have a video recorder running 24/7. Because this parking lot is where I was attacked a second time by the woman who crippled me with the golf club at Southern Maine Community College in 2013 (who also murdered my 8-month-old son at the same time) this is the location of her 2nd attack, the July 2016 attack with a shopping cart, the attack that left me in a wheelchair and despite over 200 "security cameras" and signs saying there are cameras in use... the police did not find even ONE actual REAL camera. Every "security camera" on this building and parking lot was ALL fake "dummy cameras" and that is why there is no video footage of my son's murderer.
I started carrying a camera 24/7 the very next day after Scarborough police informed me they could not identify the blonde woman who attacked me or her gold Volvo 240GL station wagon, because EVERY CAMERA at this store's parking lot was an empty case with no real camera inside it. My son would be 12 years old this Christmas 2025, and his murderer walks free, still unidentified because this parking lot did not have real cameras.
Those things that look like cameras on the building and light poles, are fake, according to the Scarborough Police Department. That is why I have a camera running 24/7, because my son's killer walks free because there was no camera the day we were attacked.
update: March 1, 2026
So I had a strange encounter, on Main Street, the street parallel to and one over from South Street, on the end towards Elm Street near the Biddeford Library.
I’m listing where this happened, because maybe someone here knows who this man is or what he is talking about? I list the location, because given what he was carrying (a huge stack of about 300+ sheets of copy paper, that seem to be computer printouts?), and how he was dressed (no coat and only slippers on his feet) I assume that he ran out of his house to yell at me when he saw me walk by, so I’m assuming he lives right in this area as, and so maybe someone here knows who he is or what it is he is talking about? He is a very tall (well over 6 feet, maybe close to 6’4” - I’ve an uncle that height and this guy was close to that range) and very elderly (maybe late 80s like my dad, though looks older than my dad, so maybe 90s?)
It just seems really bizarre and I’m wondering, if this person emailing him is the same one who was making a lot of Reddit and FaceBook accounts and pretending to be me, that entire ten years of when I was not online because I was paralized? It certainly sounds like her, given the weird alien and monster talk that guy says she was doing in her emails to him.
The FBI still has not found out who it was who closed out all my bank accounts and stole all my money (I found out about it in 2023, but it happens sometime between 2013 and 2023, because I had been paralized and had not used my bank accounts that entire time; in 2023 when I was first starting to relearn to walk I went to the back and was told my accounts had been closed all the money withdrawn, and the bank said because it had happened more than 6 months prior their system had auto deleted all records, so they had no way to find out who did it or when they did it). The FBI thinks the woman who has been impersonating me on social networks online is probably the same one who is impersonating me offline locally and likely is the person who closed my bank accounts (the accounts were started in 1979 and had no digital access, they could only be accessed in person, so the bank knows it was done by someone who physically went into the bank building).
Anyways, it occurred to me that the person emailing this man, might be the person the FBI is looking for about my stolen money, but I did not think of it at the time, and now I don’t know how to find the man to see if he’ll forward all those emails he got to the FBI agent in charge of the investigation.
So here’s what happened: I’m walking along, as I do, when suddenly I hear someone yelling. “Hey! Hey! Hey!” Someone flagging someone down. And I stop to see what’s going on. This man trots up behind me and says:
“You gotta stop sending me all these emails.”
I ask: “What?” not sure if I heard him right… see… I don’t have email.
He repeats himself, adding words: “You gotta stop sending me all these emails about cryptids.”
I say to him: “I don’t use email and I don’t know who you are.”
Then he starts listing off a lot of words that I have no clue what any of them were, it sounds like a gibberish made up language with a few random English words mixed in. (I quickly learn it is not another language though)
I say to him: “I am still new to learning American English, I don’t know it well, and I don’t know slang words or street lingo at all. I can’ tell what you are saying. I don’t know those words.”
He stops flipping through the papers and stares at me with this stunned look on his face.
He says: “You wrote these emails.”
I say: “I already told you, I don’t use email. Whoever emailed you, it wasn’t me. I think you got me mixed up with someone else.”
He says: “But Etiole?”
Confused, I say: “Which one? The fictional Eel MerMan from my novels or the local homeless WW2 veteran that everyone around here calls an alien or demon because he has dwarfism and they refuse to believe he’s human.”
He stares at me silent again before saying: “Aren’t you EelKat?”
I say: “People call me that.”
He says: “Call you… wait… don’t you call yourself that?”
Me: “No.”
Him: “Why not?”
Me: “Why would I? EelKat is a fictional character from my novels.”
He is silent again, stares down at the stack of papers, looks back up at me, then says: “You’re not EelKat?”
Me: “No. I just told you. EelKat isn’t real. She’s a fictional black cat who belongs to a fiction Elf wizard in a novel I wrote back in 1978. I’ve not even used her as a character in any of my books in over thirty years.”
He starts babbling weird gibberish words again, making me think he’s some sort of deranged raving lunatic… but it turns out he is reading one of the sheets of paper because he stops and says: “You didn’t write that?”
I say: “I don’t even know what language it is.”
He says: “It’s cryptids"
I say: “I don’t know how to write cryptographs."
He says: “No. Cryptids.”
I say: “I don’t know what that is.”
He starts listing off words again, that again I don’t know what they are. He stops and stares at me like he’s expecting me to know what he said.
I stand there waiting, as he is blocking the path and I can’t get by him, as normally I would have kept going. This is not the first time someone has come up to me yelling strange gibbering words like this before, and my usual assumption is to assume the person is nuts, drunk, or on drugs, but this guy has blocked the path and I can not get past him.
He flips through the papers and pulls out another on, again starts spouting off a lot of words I do not know, so again, I don’t know what he said.
He puts that page down and is now looking very confused, just as confused looking as I am myself feeling.
He’s no longer yelling at me, and is now talking in normal voice and says: “You really didn’t write that did you?”
I say: “I don’t know what language it is.”
He says: “But you email me every week, almost every day, you done it for years now.”
I say again: “I do not have email. It’s not possibly for me to email you. I don’t use email. And I also don’t know who you are.”
He says: “How do you not know me? Everyone knows me.”
I assume at that point he must be famous or something, by the way he said it. So i respond with:
“I don’t have a TV. I lived without electricity and plumbing for the first forty years of my life. I’m only just now starting to learn that most Americans own mirrors and toilets. It’s highly unlikely I would know anyone famous as I have never had access to such things."
He goes: “What about Stephen King?”
I say: “I don’t know him either. I know his fans like to show up in my yard and tell me that he thinks my car is haunted. Apparently he wrote a book about me and my car and gave out my home address on some late night tv show, because his fans all say that’s how they found my home address.”
He goes: “You don’t know who Stephen King is?”
I say: “No. Should I?”
He says: “You talk about Stephen King all the time” he waves the stack of papers around in the air over his head. “You’re like his biggest fan or something.”
I say: “I don’t know who he is. I only know his name at all because ever since 1997 I’ve had to near daily call the police to drag his fans out of my yard, because they claim I’m “Stephen King’s Gypsy Witch, the real live Gypsy he based his movie Gypsy off of” and they say my car is “The Real Christine the World’s Most Haunted Car”, but near as i cam tell Stephen King is one of those crazy UFO nuts who believes my homeless WW2 veteran friend is an alien because, my friend is a midget, he has dwarfism, so people call him an alien. I let him sleep in my car at night, that’s why people think my car is haunted.”
He says: “YOU don’t think your car is haunted?”
I say: “No, only stupid people think that. There’s no such thing as ghosts or aliens or demons. Crazy people believe crazy things about my car.”
He goes silent again for a moment then says: “You… don’t… you don’t… you don’t believe in aliens?”
I say: “There is plenty of scientific evidence that there is no possible way for aliens to reach earth, because of how many hundreds of thousands of years it would take for a ship to get here. Scientists have proven that over and over again, only uneducated people believe in aliens. It’s foolish to believe in aliens.”
He says: “You know about lightyears?”
I say: “I took astrophysics in college. I write a Sci-Fi series about an Elf Merchant from the 40th century who travels Star Trek like to other galaxies. I wanted to know if the type of space travel his ship used was plausible. It wasn’t, so I made him be a wizard who powered his ship by magic spells instead.”
He stars at his stack of papers again: Then says: “But what about all the cryptid sightings?”
I say: “I don’t know what that is.”
He says: “These emails you keep sending me!” Waves papers around again.
I say: “I already told you, I don’t have email. It’s not physically possible for me to email you as I do not use email at all. I did not send you or anyone else any emails.”
He says: “But the cryptids!”
I say: “I don’t know what that means.”
He says: “CRYPTIDS! You talk about cryptids all the time!”
I say: “I don’t know what a cryptid is, so I can not very well talk about it. I really think you have me mixed up with someone else.”
He FINALLY, explains in long detail, that the weird gibberish words he’s been listing off for the past 15 minutes are names of cryptids, and apparently he is some famous cryptologist researcher or so he said, and I again told him that I still don’t know what any of those words mean.
He says a word then looks at me, like he’s waiting for a response.
Then he says: “Don’t you know what that is?”
Me: “No, I already told you whatever language you are speaking, I don’t know it.”
He says: “It’s not a language, it’s the Latin word for BigFoot.”
I say: “Ahhh. BigFoot.” I nod and make a mental note that this guy is probably crazy and I should now reach for my pepper spray and no sane person believes in BigFoot..but I say out load: “Then why didn’t you just say BigFoot?”
He says: “Because you are the one who wrote this email to me and you say ____.”
I say again: “I do not have an email, so I can not email anyone and I don’t know who YOU even are, so even if I could email anyone why would I email YOU?”
He says: “Because you’re EelKa!”
I say: “No I’m not. EelKat isn’t real.”
He goes: “He goes, what do you mean EelKat isn’t real, I’m talking to you right now!”
I say: “But I’m not EelKat. I’m Wendy. EelKat is a talking cat from a Science Fiction novel that I published forty-seven years ago.”
He goes: “You keep emailing me about these cryptids you keep finding!”
I say: “I don’t believe in monsters. And I keep telling you, I DO NOT HAVE AN EMAIL! I don’t know who is emailing you, but it isn’t me.”
At that point, I backed up and made it to a space in the path big enough to turn around, and went back to my apartment as quickly as possible, because I don’t know who this guy is, but all his talk about cryptics, aliens, and other fictional bull shit that he was treating as real, was starting to freak me out. One of my uncles was a member of Heaven’s Gate, and so I developed at HUGE PTSD of anyone who believes in aliens, ufos, or other fictional things that they treat as real, and once I realized this guy was one of those types, it was triggering my PTSD really bad so I just had to get away from him…
but now… I’m wondering… who in the heck was emailing him and using the name of a character (EelKat) from one of my old novels to do so?
It just seems really bizarre and I’m wondering, if this person emailing him is the same one who was making a lot of Reddit and FaceBook accounts and pretending to be me, that entire ten years of when I was not online because I was paralized? It certainly sounds like her, given the weird alien and monster talk that guy says she was doing in her emails to him.
The FBI still has not found out who it was who closed out all my bank accounts and stole all my money (I found out about it in 2023, but it happens sometime between 2013 and 2023, because I had been paralized and had not used my bank accounts that entire time; in 2023 when I was first starting to relearn to walk I went to the back and was told my accounts had been closed all the money withdrawn, and the bank said because it had happened more than 6 months prior their system had auto deleted all records, so they had no way to find out who did it or when they did it). The FBI thinks the woman who has been impersonating me on social networks online is probably the same one who is impersonating me offline locally and likely is the person who closed my bank accounts (the accounts were started in 1979 and had no digital access, they could only be accessed in person, so the bank knows it was done by someone who physically went into the bank building).
Anyways, it occurred to me that the person emailing this man, might be the person the FBI is looking for about my stolen money, but I did not think of it at the time, and now I don’t know how to find the man to see if he’ll forward all those emails he got to the FBI agent in charge of the investigation.
Some thoughts:
1 Who is doing the most amount of die hard gaslighting of locals, trying to convince them that my family is white?
That person is likely working with the woman who has been impersonating me around Old Orchard Beach, Saco, and Biddeford the past 13 years while I have been paraplegic, bedridden, and so paralyzed I could not go outside that entire time.
It is known that the woman impersonating me is white and had to convince locals I was white in order to pass herself off as me.
2 Who is doing the most amount of die hard gaslighting of locals, trying to convince them that I am not disabled, not legally blind since birth , not almost deaf since birth, not mute since birth and only recently gained the ability to talk after my July 24, 2016 surgery?
That person is likely working with the woman who has been impersonating me around Old Orchard Beach, Saco, and Biddeford the past 13 years while I have been paraplegic, bedridden, and so paralyzed I could not go outside that entire time.
It is known that the woman impersonating me is not in a wheelchair, not blind, not deaf, and not mute, and had to convince locals I was not disabled in order to pass herself off as me.
3 Who is doing the most amount of die hard gaslighting of locals, trying to convince them that I am a member of the Saco Ward Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints?
I am not now, nor have I ever been a member of the Saco Ward Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, nor have I ever attended that church. My mother was a member of that church in the later 1990s or early 2000s, I'm not sure the exact year, in 2010 I gave her a ride to that church on 3 different Sundays while her car was broken down. Those are the only times I've ever been to that church and it was simply to drop her off.
Since 1975 I have been a member of the Cape Elizabeth Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. It is the ONLY church I have EVER been a member of my entire life. I am STILL a member of that church. From 1975 until becoming paralyzed November 2013 I never missed a single service at that church. I only have not attended since becoming paralyzed, because I have been paralyzed and unable to attend. I am only now just starting to relearn to walk since 2021 and am not yet able to move enough to to yet return to church attendance, as that church is well over an hour drive away, it is NOT local.
Whomever it is who is so desperately trying to convince locals i am a member of the Saco Ward Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, That person is likely working with the woman who has been impersonating me around Old Orchard Beach, Saco, and Biddeford the past 13 years while I have been paraplegic, bedridden, and so paralyzed I could not go outside that entire time.
It is known that the woman impersonating me is not in a has been attending The Saco Ward Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and asking for money for a fraudulent house building fund raiser and had to convince locals I was a member of The Scao Ward Church in order to pass herself off as me.
Do you have information about my son's murder and need the FBI contact information:
If you have any information about my son’s murderer, please call FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322
Looking to find out more about my son's murder, that information is on these pages:
And if you're one of those lunatic jackass bullshitting alien abduction UFO freaks, looking for haunted cars, Stephen King, cryptids, or EBEs, first off, you can go fuck yourselves. I am so damned sick of you conspiracy brained motherfuckers harassing my family and turning my son's murder case into a circus of you psycho deranged bullshit. Here's some pages for you:
Update April 10, 2026
I am annoyed so, im going to rant about what is annoying me. I ain't got no one offline i can talk to about it so, I'm gonna post it here, maybe someone here can understand why this situation is so annoying to me. Maybe it happens to others locally too? I don’t know if its a common thing to happen to everyone in the area or not, but its happened to me so many tomes now and it's just really annoying. Trigger warning… topic is religion. Specially local bigotry some local religions have against my religion, and how annoying it is they won't stop thinking they can call me evil and accuse me of being a witch.
You know, I do deeply dislike when people think "person A belongs to religion B, therefore they practice evil actions C, D, and E" Insert any person of any religion and any actions onto the blanks, and out there somewhere is someone who believes it… but my point it, i practice parts of three different religions, because I don't fully believe in 100% of any one religion, and each of those three religions has various people who believe various parts of each to be some form or another of "evil" and so i am constantly dealing with someone (several different someones), who feel that their religion gives them the right to march up to me at random, and tell me some form of my religion is "evil", I need to "repent", whatever.
But the most annoying one that happens to me (and just happened again today) is in regards to the "witchcraft" and "curses".
I know absolutely nothing about either witchcraft or curses, so I am often left confused and wondering what they are even talking about.
Like recently a few weeks age, someone came up to me, angry about some holiday, spring solstice or something, is what they called it, I'm not sure if that's the actual name or just what they called it, but anyways, they were mad at me, because according to them, I am a "witch" and its a holiday I supposedly celebrated.
Thing is, I'm a Mormon, have been since 1975, so fifty-one years now, and I was born into a 5th generation "fundy-type" branch of Mormonism… not the one people usually think of (most people think of Utah/Salt Lake City one founded by Brigham Young; but I'm part of the Missouri one founded by Joseph Smith, they are not the same church, Joseph Smith never was in Utah, and never had any involvement in the Utah church, which is the bigger Mormon church, and the one most people think of when they think of Mormos…
…which is also why it is silly for people to think i attend the Saco Ward Church, the Saco Ward church (Saco, Maine across from Thornton Academy) is part of the Utah Church, and has dozens of congregations in Maine, but the reasonI have to drive over an hour to get to my church in Cape Elizabeth (Cape Elizabeth, Maine, The one on the side street by The Portland Headlight, Lighthouse), is because it has only three congregations in Maine… I do not know how or why the rumours got started claiming that I am a member of the Saco Ward Church, but just know that anyone saying I belong to or attend the Saco Ward Church is lying to you, because, I've not only never been a member, I've also never attended it, AND its not even the same religion as the type of Mormon religion I do belong to! …
….to make it even more confusing, the Cape Elizabeth Ward of the Church of Christ meets in the Portland Ward BUILDING of the LDS Utah church… which is WHY when people say "oh, so you'rea memberof the Portland Ward" I always correct them and say "No, Im a member of the Cape Elizabeth Ward that meets in the Portland Ward building. ) , aka the one i am part of is NOT the one that sends out missionaries... meaning the one that doesn't celebrate holidays.
While members who follow the (Utah with missionaries) Mormon church founded by Brigham Young, do celebrate some holidays… us members who follow the (Missouri with missionaries) Mormon religion founded by Joseph Smiths do NOT celebrate holidays.
Meaning I do not celebrate holidays. Not Christmas, not Easter, not birthdays, nothing, none, no holidays at all. I don't even know the names of most holidays celebrated by most people. Which is why I'm not sure if the holiday name they were saying is the actual name or not.
So calling me a witch and accusations of celebrating a holiday related to witchcraft, is just plain silly.
Anyways, today, I get the other annoying one, the one where, someone thinks I'm a witch and know curses, and so they want to hire me to cast curses for them! UGH!
People overjoyed at thinking I'm a witch are just as annoying as the ones hateful of witches.
So, I mentioned I was born in a branch of Mormonism, right? Well, I also grew up with Voodoo (2 grandparents), Huna (1 grandparent), and Scottish Faerie Faith (1 grandparent), so I ended up with practicing a blend of all four as an adult.
And the one that was being focused on today is the Voodoo religion. What happened was the request for me to make them a "Voodoo doll" because they are mad at someone and want to "send karma" back at them by sticking pins in a doll.
Thing is, doll babies (as they are correctly called) are for healing, not curses. Red pins are to remove sickness, yellow pins are to draw in healing. That is the ACTUAL practice. It has absolutely nothing to do with curses or hurting people or sending harm or summoning karma. All that curses and harm stuff comes from Hollywood movies, not from the actual Voodoo religion.
And Voodoo is a religion. A Christian religion at that. A very peaceful, non-violent religion. A religion that is so similar to the Catholic religion, that it is sometimes called "Folk Catholicism". It is a Christian religion that combines the ATR Vodu (the much older pre colonial religion Voodoo is based off of) with Catholic Christianity.
I am so sick of the "voodoo doll curses and death spell" bull shit lies people spread about the Voodoo religion.
I am equally sick of people storming up to me, telling me they are mad at someone, and demanding I make them a "Voodoo doll" so they can "stick pins in it".
Why do people blindly believe the fantasy bull shit lies movies say Voodoo is, instead of doing some research to find out what Voodoo really is?
But also, why is everyone so obsessed with (my) religion at all?
I'm not out trying to convert anybody, because I believe everyone has different beliefs that are best for them. I don't believe in a "one true religion" so I also don't understand why people feel the need to try to convert me to their religion.
It is perfectly fine by me for everyone to have any religion they want, or no religion if they do not want one.
My point is, I just don't understand why it is such a common thing for everyone to feel the need to tell me my religion is wrong, my religion is evil, my religion is witchcraft, my religion is curses, or whatever else they come up with the acuse me and/or my religion of being.
I'm not trying to convert anyone to my religion, so why are so many people obsessed with trying to convert me to theirs?
And my religion neither practices nor believes in casting curses or sending harmful karma at people, so why do so many people try to get me to make "Voodoo dolls" or cast curses for them.
It's really annoying that 90% of the people I encounter think I'm a witch and/or think I am some sort of "witch for hire" that they can buy curses from.
It's all so very annoying. I wish there weren't so many negative stereotypes out there about so many religions. I wish so many people wouldn't treat religion like their personal excuse to harass others.
I don't know is it just really common for people around here to do this to everyone of evey religion, or is it just that I'm part of two fairly uncommon Christo-Pagan religions that this keeps happening to me?
omg, and let's not even get started on my primary religion practice: Scottish Faerie Faith which is real close to Wicca and has no connection to Christianity at all and is straight up olde school paganism and REALLY gets local church members going wild accusations at me. :(
I'm just really frustrated that my beliefs being predominantly pagan, but also slightly Christian, seems to make everyone around me think its open season on giving me their (usually hateful) opinions. Like why can't people just mind their own business and why is my religion any business of theirs to begin with?
Update: May 30, 2026 - Weird things at Acadia… what should I think about this thing that happened?
An odd thing happened at Acadia National Park this week. I'm on my way to the rest room, need to use the toilet. All normal stuff. On my way there a woman approach me. Young, short brown hair, probably in her 20s. Never seen her before. No clue who she is. But she recognizes me, or so she says.
She says "You’re eel cat, right? I remember you from PortCon." then she points to the wheelchair and says "you could walk fine there. What happened?"
The rest of the conversation is unimportant for what I have to say here. Because my thoughts are to question what exactly it is she saw at PortCon that she translated into "you could walk fine"?
I became crippled November 14, 2013, from the 1st attack by the golf club woman. At that point, my spine was broken, and my hip, and it took me 18 months to relearn to walk.
At that point I could walk about 400 to 500 feet with a cane.
The golf club woman called herself "Claire" and keep screaming "I am Claire" during the November 14, 2013 attack.
It was very odd, because its not how people address themselves to others, and appeared that she was trying to convince me her name was Claire, like she REALLY wanted me to believe her name was Claire, on levels so extreme, that it looked more like she was NOT named Claire, but rather was trying the frame someone named Claire.
Police and FBI went through every local woman they could fine name Claire, and asked me to look at their photos… but none of them were the woman who attacked me.
The FBI found a woman named Claire, who kind of sort or almost looked like the attacker, but was not her.
Enter Portcon into the equation.
This particular woman named Claire had relatives in Biddeford who were CosPlayers, who attended PortCon, in a very, very large group… a group of 30 to 40 people all attending PortCon together.
And the theory became that the woman who crippled me and murdered my son on November 14, 2013, was one of the woman from this huge group of CosPlayers from Biddeford. The theory being that because she was a cosplayer, she used a wig and old age makeup to pretend to be a much older woman, pretending to be this Claire woman, in an attempt to get me to identify this other woman ask the attacker. The older woman shown to me was not the attacker, but the younger woman could be the attacker if she had done something to age up her face with makeup.
And so in June 2015, I attended PortCon, with several body cams, so the FBI could watch WHO approached me and what they said… and yes… that DOES mean if you ever approached me at ANY PortCon, you were recorded, I still have the footage, and the FBI has it as well.
Interestingly this specific group the FBI was watching, approached me the first day, and over a dozen of them, stayed around me the whole weekend, never letting me out of their sight.
The FBI sent me back to PortCon 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, 2023, 2024, and 2025. And this massive group of Biddeford Cosplayers repeated this bizarre gang stalking process of never letting me have even a minute of privacy at every PortCon.
It was so noticeable that management of the Hilton Doubletree Hotel, took me aside and asked if I needed him to call the police.
It was so extreme, at The Round One in the mall 2 years in a row (2023 and 2024), that The Maine Mall refused to renew PortCons contract for 2026 and PortCon has had to move locations.
I never went to CosPlay events before the 2013 attack, and I ONLY started going to PortCon, because of the 2013 attack. My being Crippled is WHY I started going to PortCon. So you see, there has NEVER been a time of me going to PortCon with the ability to "walk fine".
And so if you noticed me at PortCon, but you remember at PortCon "walking fine"... I'm going to ask you if you ever heard of "the Mandela Effect"?
The Mandela Effect is when you see something, but then later, because someone gaslighted you, you remember what the gaslighter TOLD you INSTEAD of remembering WHAT YOU ACTUALLY SAW.
The famous example of this is thinking there is a cornucopia on the Fruit of a Loom logo, when there has never been a cornucopia on their logo.
I have been crippled since the FIRST golf club attack on November 14, 2013.
It took me 18 months to relearn to walk.
At that point I could walk about 400 to 500 feet with a cane.
And so at PortCon 2015, I was able to walk, limping badly, dragging a lame leg, leaning heavily on a cane, AND CRUTCHES, and was able to get from one room to the next, sit for and hour in the room, use the cane and crutches to drag myself to the next room, sit for an hour, throughout the event.
Look at every PortCon photo of me… I am NEVER with out one or more mobility aids.
You can see from the photos, I was nothing even remotely close to "walking fine".
However…July 2016, days after my second PortCon, the golf club woman attacked the SECOND Time. And this time left me with the nerve bundle of my spine completely severed. This was when I became paralized a second time, both my arms and legs this time. And I have not yet recovered from this. As of right now, May 30, 2026, my left arm is still mostly "nerve dead" and my right arm has regained function of only two fingers, with limited movement of the other three; and neither leg works enough for me to walk unaided; I can take ten or twelve steps with a cane; I cane stand upright for under five minutes with a cane, I can put my weight on a rollator or wheelchair and walk a few hundred feet with said device, doing so two or three times a day. I've not yet recovered enough to take two thousand steps a day, that is a goal I am still aiming for.
So it is laughable that anyone could have encountered me at PortCon of any year, and thought "she's walking fine". You saw what you EXPECTED to see, because you were not paying attention, thus you remember incorrectly, and thus the Mandela Effect, you you remembering me "walking fine" when in fact, I've NEVER walked at PortCon at all.
Port 2017, 2019, 2019, 2023, 2024, and 2025, you saw me NOT ALONE, but now with a caretaker who physically moved me. He hoisted me up into a standing position for photo shoots, while photographers propped trash cans, chairs, and a six foot tall pole that I brought with me, to give the illusion of me standing in the photo shoots. and in every photo, are the cane, the crutches, the walker, the rollator, or the wheelchair…look at every PortCon photo from every year, I AM NEVER WITHOUT MOBILITY AIDS AND MEDICAL EQUIPMENT IN ANY PHOTO.
If you ever saw me "walking" at ANY PortCon, what you saw, was a man, much bigger then me, elbow linked to mine, holding me up, and dragging me, giving the ILLUSION OF me walking arm in arm with him.
And had you paid closer attention to me, you would seen that I NEVER ONCE stood up on my own…
…in lines waiting to get on events, I sat on a beanbag chair shaped like a Unicorn for my Quaraun CosPlay or shaped like a donut for my BoomFuzzy cosplay or shaped like a purple bison for my Avallach cosplay…
…to get into the room my caretaker stood me up them walked in while I leaned on him, he set me in the chair, and if the room was full he'd wait out on the hall or if it was not many people in the room, he would sit with me. When the workshop panel ended he'd stand me up and walk back out while I leaned on him dragged beside him.
So, no, you NEVER saw me "walking fine at PortCon" or any place else.
You "saw" what you EXPECTED to see. Thus the Mandela Effect of you memory playing tricks on you, and you THINKING you saw me "walking fine".
But also… every minute of every PortCon I attended is all recorded on video and, yeah, its really easy to prove the extreme levels of disabled I actually am and how much help I needed to even sit up right in a chair.
It is not the first time someone has said this to me, and I find it odd the alarmingly high rate of frequency this gets said to me. It's almost like they don't know the founders and staff of PortCon literally wrote the disability clause and accommodations BECAUSE of how disabled I am and BECAUSE of how many accommodations the company had to make just so I could attend.
If YOU reading this are disabled, use mobility aids, is this something you experience as well? People being so oblivious to your cane, crutches, walker, rollator, or wheelchair that they can see you with it, see you use it, and then later claim they never saw it and did not know you was crippled? It feels odd to me, how often this happens, given how PortCon was literally the ONLY time I went outside for close to ten years, yes, as in… the only FOUR DAYS of THE ENTIRE YEAR, that I even got out of bed at all.
The amount of extremes that had to be taken just to get me able to be propped in a standing position for my PortCon photos each year, is a thing that many PortCon goers stood and watched and is well aware of, so I am baffled, by the statement "walking fine", and how they concluded such a thing?
Did they mix me up with someone else? I was in CosPlay each event so it's possible, the person they thought was me was someone else with a similar costume to mine.
But also, the phraseology stands out… as does the tone of voice.
Is it really possible for DOZENS of people in the past year to use the EXACT SAME PHRASE (not a variation, but the EXACT WORDING EVERY TIME) of "you could walk fine at PortCon". It's TOO exact, too many times, from too many people to be a coincidence… it… feels like someone is telling them "There she is, go say this to her so we can catch her admitting she can walk".
I say this, because, not only the exact phrase every time, as though they were quoting something they were told to say, but also… the tone.
The tone of voice is never a concerned, worried, "what happened can I help" tone of voice, but rather it's this weird, accusatory, snickering (often outright laughing and bubbling over with "ha ha gotcha" type giggles), in a very enraged, mad, angry, bullying sort of "busted, I caught you faking" sort of way.
And to me that just seems odd… also, the way they always run away after, is like they are a duckling running back to momma goose to report their findings.
It's very odd. And so… when over a dozen people did it at Acadia in less then twenty-fours, it came off feeling very staged, very… it REALLY stuck out like a sore thumb… for so many people to do it, in such a short amount of time, in a remote campground that's a seven hour drive away…. does that not feel odd to you? Had it happened somewhere nearby, like Biddeford or Portland, it would not have stood out so much… but in the Narrows? Really? How many people reading this right now even knows what the Narrows is, let alone where it is? Also they seemed totally oblivious to the fact that my wheelchair cam runs 24/7, a thing that people who ACTUALLY read my work, are well aware of. So, I also have these odd happenings and conversations from the Narrows on camera, and I'm wondering, should I or should I not, include them when I upload the 100+ hours of Acadia trip footage to, where ever it is I end up uploading the videos (I've not decided yet where.)
But also, why do people call me "eel cat" or "EelKat"? I don't understand that one at all. EelKat is a fictional character from my books. Do they not know that? I got to wonder, if they meet J. K. Rowlings in the store, do they run up to her screaming "Hey Harry Potter!" the same way they run up to me screaming "Hey EelKat!".
I don't know about other authors, but to me, it feels kind of degrading when someone calls you by the name of one of your characters and refuses to use your name. It just feels disrespectful, ill-mannered, and like they are going out of their way to snub you by refusing to use your name.
I'm left to wonder, is someone TELLING people to address me as "EelKat"? Why do so many locals do it?
But also, I go to Acadia to get privacy away from the locals who refuse to let me have any privacy and they follow me all the way up to there? Really? Can anyone say parasocial stalker with terrifying hyperfication?
This whole thing seems so odd to me.
The FBI is looking for a COSPLAYER, possibly a MAN, given how MUCH BIGGGER and MUCH TALLER THEN ME the attacker was.
The FBI FOUND the REAL woman named Claire whom my attacker was PRETENDING TO BE, and SHE is TOO SHORT, too small framed, too lacking in muscle sctreangth to weild a golf club with the amount of force needed to shatter three vertebrea and severe the spinal coulmn and nerve bundle, in the manner which was done to me.
In fact, the FBI has pointed out even most men would not be able to easily do what my attacker did to me. Which leads the FBI to suspect some sort of military training, possibly a Marine.
the FBI thinks the attacker was a MAN pretending to be a woman, but also a man WITH THE ABILITY TO SEVER A SPINE WITH A GOLF CLUB WITH A SINGLE HIT... not an easy thing tpo do. My attacker was MUCH TALLER then me, MUCH STRONGER then the average man.
BUT my attacker was pretending to be an old woman named Claire, and wearing old age CosPlay makeup.
The woman whom the FBI believes to be the real Claire, my attacker was pretending to be, the FBI identified her back in 2015, and found out that HER FAMILY has bveen being harassed, vandalised, and attacked for several years, with the attacks being VERY SIMILAR to the attacks on my family. The FBI believes the person/s attack me are the same ones attacking her, and the FBI had found a group of cosPlayers whom frequented PortCon, who were harassing this woman named Claire, and the FBI believes one of these CosPlayers dressed up as her, to attack me
The FBI says however I was NOT the one they intended to attack. The FBI said they were intended to attack MY MOTHER, as my mother and the Claire woman had been fighting on FaceBook for well over a decade.
The FBI says one of these CosPlayers dressed up as the Claire woman, to attack my mother, and frame the Claire woman for the attack, to try to get a bigger fued started on FaceBook between my mother's siblings and the Claire woman.
The FBI said my mother had been posting a lot of photos of me and my car on her FaceBook page and that is why the attacker thought me and my mother to be the same person and attacked me thinking they was attacking her.
Because I went "missing" from public life from 2013 onward, it appeared that the atacker thought I was dead. And it was FOR THIS REASON, the FBI wanted me to make an apearance at PortCon 2015, to see WHO would REACT to it and HOW... and everyone was stunned when UNDER FIVE MINUTES of me entering PortCon for the first time, the ENTIRE GROUP the FBI was looking at, completly surrounded me (you can see them doing it on my FaceBook photos of the PortCon 2015 event... heck, you can see all the photos THEY TOOK on THEIR accounts, which show up on my account as well, because they tagged me in all of the photos! They themselves have hyper focused on taking and uploading to their FaceBook accounts HUNDREDS of photos of me, and tagging me... and, those tagged photos then show up on my account BECAUSE of the tags... so it LOOKS like I uploaded the photos, because they show up on my account as well because of how FaceBooks' crossposting system works when you tag someone in a photo.
I don't know who any of these people are, but, they made a point of doing group photos arround me, every time i was sitting down, and making it look like i was part of their group, then they uploaded the photos on FaceBoiok, tagged me in the photos, and FaceBook cross posted the photos to my account because that's what tagging someone in a photo does on FaceBook... so I have a shit ton l;oad of photos of these people on my FaceBook account, but I can't delete or download them, because I did not upload them, they uploaded them and tagged me in them...
...but you can see for yourself right on the photos they themselves took, HOW MUCH STALKING they did of my at PortCon 2015 and 2016 and HOW EXTREME they went on not letting me out of their site for a second, they even went into the bathrooms with me and gathered around the bathroom stall.
Every one of them introduced themselves with the exact same phrase " We're MummaCon's Group". So, apparently they call themselves "The MummaCons".
I have no clue who these people are or why they go stalker crazy on me like this at every PortCon... but in 2023 they started following me to my dad's aparent in Biddeford from PortCon and screaming and yelling from the porch on the front of the buildin "We found EelKat! EelKat lives here! we found the crazy alien lady! Spread the word! CRAZY! CRAZY! CRAZY!" while jumping off the porch into the road and running up to the cars, pounding on driver windows as the cars drove by, screaming "Crazy alien lady lives there, tell everyone we found EelKat!"
We know it is this group who does a LOT of the spreading slander calling me an "Alien lady" and "alien abducttee" and they call BOTH my Dodge and my Volvo "demon cars" and "haunted car", WHILE they run around the apartment building waving assult riffles and machine guns over their heads (which appear to be fake, as they have "Umbrella Corp" and the Resident Evil red and white umbrella logos on the guns, also, the guns have PortCon "peace binding tags" on them. So, I'm left to assume they are a part of the huge group of UmBrella Corp cosPlayers that show up at PortCon each year... and that is a HUGE group - hundreds of UmBrella Corp CosPlayers show up from all over the contry, o attend PortCon every year, and they wear "military riot gear" style body armor and face covering helmets, so it's impossible to tell who the person is inside the riot gear helmets.
The FBI feels fairly certain that the "Claire woman" who attacked me November 14, 2013, is one of these Resident Evil Umbrella Corp CosPlayers... a man, over six feet tall, who had pretended to be a woman when he attacked at Southern Maine Community College.
But who? Which one? That is still unknown.
Looking to find out more about my son's murder, that information is on these pages:
Health update: August 4, 2026 - in recovery for 6 months+ (at least until mid-January 2027...all book and video game releases are pushed back at least 6 months) see video below for why...
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Update Sept 3, 2026:
I am able to get around enough to take Koko to dog park... today is 29 days since getting out of hospital. My diet is still mostly liquid, but im eating some solid food again, but its like rice or soft mushy baby food type stuff because I still can not chew yet, though I can swallow again. My jaw is still not functioning good so im having trouble talking still. So there's been slight improvement to my mouth, throat, and jaw, but, zero improvement to my eye, which is a major concern, be Im almost fully blind right now. im legally blind since birth in my left eye, so I have no ability to fall back on using my left eye. My right eye is the one injured and my vision in it is "40% decreased" according to my doctor, but it wasn't good vision to begin with, and right now my right eye is not much different from my legally blind left eye. Which I why I have to have someone drive my car for me instead of me driving my car myself right now, which is very frustrating, because, being a female, I had to fight for over twenty years to be allowed to drive. I started sneaking out at age 31 and dressing as a man to go to Old Orchard Beach high school to get a ged, because us females are not allowed to go to school. And i was 37 years old when snuck out to the DMV and got a driver's permit and started going to college. I was 42 and 8 months pregnant when my family found out I was going to college and thats when I was punished by the backhoe driving over my house and my spine broken with a golf club and my baby born right then and killed with same golf club. So it's very frustrating now, so soon after finally being able to drive , to now not be able to drive because of an eye injury, especially after 14 years of being paralyzed from the golf club and not being allowed to have a wheelchair, again, because i am female and we females are simply not allowed to do anything. I hate the culture I was born into. I wish I had the freedom to go to school and drive a car the way American women do. I wish having my spine broken with a golf club and my baby killed with a golf club and a backhoe driven over my house was not how men in my family punishment women in my family for learning to read and write. Its so frustrating not being able to to drive again, so soon after 14 years being paralyzed, and being paralyzed by the golf club was the punishment for getting a driver's license back in 2013 after 30 years of men not letting me have one. I hate my family's culture and how they treat us women.
I get so sick of Americans telling me how they wish they could be a Gypsy… they are either misogynist woman hating pigs, or delusional idiots who haven't got a clue how shittily we Gypsy women are treated by Gypsy men, because no one in their righ mind who knows anything about Gypsy culture would ever want to be part of it. I hate that I was born a Gypsy.
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update sept 7, 2026
"You would not make a good teacher"... what does that mean, and why are there so many people on Railroad Ave and Western Ave and Cutts St why walk up to me and say that to me?
I find it very confusing. I have low functioning Autism (the Rain Man type) and so i have very little understanding of words beyond the basic ones, and i never went to to school, so I never learned maths or sciences, and I only had remedial classes at Southern Maine Community College, because I did not have an education to enroll with regular, I was there taking every reading and writing class they had to learn how to read and write, and also took speaking classes to learn how to talk (i spoke Shetland Scottish language because that was language my grandmother spoke but she died when I was 8 so I only knew that language to speak and write, and I was 37 when I went to college and 42 when I learned English speaking and I still cant speak English good yet), all the other classes I took were art painting and cooking.
So the phrase "You would not make a good teacher" makes no sense to me because it seems to imply that I am trying to be a teacher, but I don't have anything close to the education ti be a teacher, and im not trying to be a teacher. So I don't know why people keep saying this phrase to me and I assume it must have some sort of a slang meaning, but I can't figure out what it could be of why do these people keep saying it to me.
see video below for more information:
@eelkat "You would not make a good teacher"... what does that mean, and why are there so many people on Railroad Ave and Western Ave and Cutts St why walk up to me and say that to me? I find it very confusing. I have low functioning Autism (the Rain Man type) and so i have very little understanding of words beyond the basic ones, and i never went to to school, so I never learned maths or sciences, and I only had remedial classes at Southern Maine Community College, because I did not have an education to enroll with regular, I was there taking every reading and writing class they had to learn how to read and write, and also took speaking classes to learn how to talk (i spoke Shetland Scottish language because that was language my grandmother spoke but she died when I was 8 so I only knew that language to speak and write, and I was 37 when I went to college and 42 when I learned English speaking and I still cant speak English good yet), all the other classes I took were art painting and cooking. So the phrase "You would not make a good teacher" makes no sense to me because it seems to imply that I am trying to be a teacher, but I don't have anything close to the education ti be a teacher, and im not trying to be a teacher. So I don't know why people keep saying this phrase to me and I assume it must have some sort of a slang meaning, but I can't figure out what it could be of why do these people keep saying it to me. #mainelife #biddefordmaine #maine #disabilitytiktok #Biddeford ♬ original sound Wendy C Allen | 📚 Author
update Sept 15, 2026:
I have some slight movement in some my fingers again again after over a decade being paralyzed
you remember how I used to be a professional doll making, pattern designer, and embroiderer, back before I became paralized and before my son was murdered and being the backhoe drove over my house?
all my equipment, sewing machines, ect were all destroyed by the backhoe driving over my house, and I have been quardepelegic for over a decade because of it so could not use my hands to sew or draw or embroider, and so only continued to do my writing of novels since then because I could do that with dragon dictation software,
well, since 2016, I been playing Witcher 3 and don't starve video games on twitch livestream, one hand two fingers, as part of my therapy to regain nerve and muscle use of my fingers, and now after 10 years of that, I have somewhat more movement in my fingers and im thinking maybe I can try to do embroidery and doll making again, but not sure, anyways, now im rebuying all of my sewing and embroidery equipment that the backhoe destroyed when it drove over my house, and hopefully I can use my hand enough to embroider again.
waiting for stuff to arrive in mail, so soon I should find out if ten years of twitch gaming has given me enough muscle strength to use my fingers to embroider again.
update to the previous video, answering viewer question about lack of hospital vs broken spine
Wheelchair Fundraiser... I need to upgrade to a power wheelchair, the manual one just isn't enough anymore. But the power wheelchair is $25k. Yes, twenty five thousand dollars. Wtf? I can get a car for a quarter that price, why are wheelchairs so damned expensive? That's more money then I make in five years, so I need to start a fundraiser for it.
This page was written by Wendy Christine Allen of 146 Portland Ave, Old Orchard Beach, Maine.
All Rights Reserved.
While there are around 20k pages on this website, most of them are blocked from search engines, with only around 800 of them available for appearing in Google/Bing/etc search results. The remainder can only be accessed via the various links found throughout this site. This was done deliberately on my part, and I did it because the bulk of the pages on this website are chapters from 138 novels and 423 novellas, so only the first page of each novel and novella indexed by search engines, and the remainder are linked in order, one page at a time, via clicking "next page" at the end of each. So if you are looking for a specific page from a specific novel, Google can't help you.
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Get an email whenever Wendy Christine Allen 🌸💖🦄 aka EelKat 🧿💛🔮👻 publishes on Medium.
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Do you know who drove this backhoe over my house at 146 Portland Avenue, Old Orchard Beach, Maine on August 8, 2013? If you have any information, please give it to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office.
My house at 146 Portland Ave, Old Orchard Beach, Maine, July 4, 2013, photo taken because we had just finished building a baby room on the back. vs My house August 8, 2013, when the same group of people (yes group, the golf club woman was not alone when she attacked November 14, 2013, nor was she alone with her second attack July 2016.) who murdered my son on November 14, 2013 at Southern Maine Community College and crippled me July 26, 2016 at scarborough WalMart,... they arrived the first time with a backhoe on August 8, 2013, that they used to drive over my house, during a time of day that I normally was home asleep... I had to work a different shift at the Waffle Cone Pizza Food Truck at George's Parking Lot by Bill's Pizza at the OBB Peir, that day, otherwise, I too would be at the bottom of a landfill, along with my house and everything I owned that was also in the house. I was 5 months pregnant at the time and have been homeless for just under 14 years, homeless ever since....
... which means it is now only a few weeks from the 14th anniversary of my son's murder. I was 8 month pregnant November 14, 2013, and a student ay SMCC, and coming out of the Buglight Lighthouse art studio after art class, when a still unidentifiedwoman wielding a golf club attacked me, severed my spine, while I was 8 months pregnant, triggered early labour, then killed my son minutes after he was born.
While accusing me of being transgender, screaming "transvestite freak" and "look at that thing, that's Ken's son in a dress"... while I was 8 months pregnant.
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My house at 146 Portland Ave, Old Orchard Beach, Maine, July 4, 2013, photo taken because we had just finished building a baby room on the back. vs My house August 8, 2013, when the same group of people (yes group, the golf club woman was not alone when she attacked November 14, 2013, nor was she alone with her second attack July 2016.) who murdered my son and crippled me, arrived the first time with a backhoe that they used to drive over my house, during a time of day that I normally was home asleep... I had to work a different shift at the Waffle Cone Pizza Food Truck at George's Parking Lot by Bill's Pizza at the OBB Peir, that day, otherwise, I too would be at the bottom of a landfill, along with my house and everything I owned that was also in the house. I was 5 months pregnant at the time and have been homeless for just under 14 years, homeless ever since. |
The backhoe driver returned November 14, 2013, armed with a golf club, used it to break my spine and smash my baby's brains out on the ground
On November 14, 2013, my son was murdered. I was 8 months pregnant, leaving my college classroom, and just getting into my car, when 3 strangers, a man and two women, armed with golf clubs leapt out from behind my car screaming "kill or be killed, kill the transvestite freaks, kill them all before they kill us! look at that thing! That is Ken's son, look at how it's dressed! kill the transvestite freaks! kill or be killed"... while the bald man and the red haired woman chanted this over and over, the blonde woman, lunged with the golf club.
She severed my spine, I am now a quadriplegic, and been paralyzed arms and legs, and in a wheelchair for 13 years now. She broke my hips, my knees, my legs, ruptured most of my discs, and shattered three of my vertebrae so bad that the shards of bone acted like glass and embedded themselves into my spinal column nerve bundle.
The attack also triggered labour.
My son was born in that parking lot, and he lived only a couple of minutes, before the deranged blonde woman, beat his head in and smashed his brains out, with the same golfclub she had just used to sever my spine and leave me crippled for the rest of my life.
Realizing that I was not transgender, and they'd just murdered a baby, the man grabbed the 2 women and forcibly dragged them away to a 4 door white pickup truck, and they left me there to die.
The FBI told me later, that a few weeks before this attack, and transwoman, had murdered a cis woman, in a parking lot, abou 20 miles away from where I was attacked. The FBI, believes that my attackers, had somehow found out I wrote transgender fiction, connecting my real name to my penname, (my father's name is in fact "Ken", and I do have a brother) and believed that I wrote transgender fiction, because I was myself transgender, even though I'm not transgender. The FBI, believes the attackers, thought I was my brother, pretending to be a woman.
The FBI investigation, into my son's murder, has dragged on for 13 years, and still now in 2026, continues on, with the FBI, still not having yet identified my attackers, and only guessing at what their motive was.
Thus we come to 2014, and the full swing change of the series I write. WHY my series, went from just a transman main character living life, to the full blown Mpreg genre series that it now is today.
Before the attack, I had a chance of having a baby. I don't know. And because I'm in America, I'm too old to adopt. You have to be under 45 years old to adopt a baby. That is the law in America. I was informed this, when we tried to adopt, now that my injuries leave me unable to get pregnant a 9th time.
Thus began my obsessively writing, my transman main character, pregnant. Always pregnant now. Every time. Every story. Stories that now fully focus on pregnancy, labour, miscarriages, babies dying, babies living, raising babies... the whole series, since 2014 has devolved into an outright baby obsession.
Meanwhile, reborn baby dolls were suggested to me by my therapist, and have also become a deeply obsessive part of my life. Because 13 years ago my son was murdered minutes after he was born, because a transphobic bigot mistook me for being transgender, I'm STILL in a wheelchair, struggling to relearn to use my arms and legs, now 13 years later, and I'm still DAILY dealing with police officers and FBI agents who while they are trying to find my son's killer, they are also daily reminding me... oh, yeah, my son was murdered, literally ripped out of my belly, by a transphobe. Who still has not been located and walks free to kill again.
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The golfclub woman as she looked during the golf club attack at Southern Maine community college November 14, 2013. She is about 20 to 30 years older then me and would be around 75 to 85 years old now in 2026. If you have any information about the identity of this child murderer, please call FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 |
The golfclub woman as she looked during the shopping cart attack at Scarborough WalMart July 26, 2016. She is about 20 to 30 years older then me and would be around 75 to 85 years old now in 2026. If you have any information about the identity of this child murderer, please call FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 |
The 2nd woman as she looked at both attacks, her hair goes all the way down to her knees. She is about 20 to 30 years older then me and would be around 75 to 85 years old now in 2026. If you have any information about the identity of this child murderer's accomplice, please call FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 |
Do you know who these two woman who crippled me and murdered my baby, at Southern Maine Community College at 10PM on November 14, 2013, are, and what their connection to the backhoe that drove over my house is? If you have any information, please give it to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office.
I am a legally blind quadriplegic, and low verbal, I have also published 138 novels in the last 48 years. It's not as impossible as people think. The problem being blind and quadriplegic, medically have different meanings then how those two words are used medically.
Fewer than 3% of all blind people see nothing. While 97% people who are classified as fully blind are able to see up to two feet in front of them. Legally blind means I can see more then two feet in front of me but not far enough to see twenty feet in front of me. In my case I can see about eight feet.
Quadriplegic, has varying levels, it means having a damaged nerve bundle in the spinal column causing limited mobility of all 4 limbs, (in my case this was done by a women wielding a golf club, who also beat my 8 month infant's head to pulp on the parking lot tarmak, at the same time she severed my spine with the same golf club; both on November 14, 2013; the FBI investigation into my son's murder and my being crippled has gone on now for 13 years, a few weeks away from 14 years now, and the FBI has still not identified the killer or her motive). Contrary to popular misconception, quadriplegic does NOT mean ZERO movement, it means means limited movement, specifically in means unable to lift arms over head, unable to grip fingers around objects to pick them up, and unable to stand for more then 5 minutes to a time. Because there are so many thousands of nerves in each limb it is actually very rare for there to be 100% no movement, but how much, and to what extent varies by patent depending upon the specific point of injury to the spinal column.
Meaning typing is still possible for over 60% of all quadriplegics.
In my case, it was the lower spine that was severed, cutting off completly my ability to move my right leg, leaving limited feeling in my left leg, and an ability to stand but not walk, with crutches, for the first 9 years. I regained enough nerve growth in my legs by the 9th year to be able to take ten or twelve steps allowing me to get out of bed for the first time since the golf club attack; This in turn lead to me being able to start using a wheelchair, as I was able to sit upright for the first time as well.
Because the shattered vertebrae bone fragments are broken off completly and embedded into the nerve bundle just above my tailbone, doctors were saying I would never walk again, but now at 13 years, I am able to push mu wheelchair like a walker, a distance of almost a thousand steps a day. Though doctors are still doubtful I will ever walk "normally" again, I have proven them wrong, when their said 13 years ago, that I would never walk again at all.
But because of the placement of the damage to my spine, regaining hand use, was always thought possible, it was just a matter of waiting long enough for nerve regrowth, along side daily finger exercises. I was able to continue writing, after becoming quadriplegic, because I still have use of my right thumb, and 2 fore figures of my right hand. And can type 90 words per minute with those 3 fingers.
I however have no wrist strength, elbow strength, or shoulder strength, so I am not able to form a fist, or lift objects, or brush my hair, or my teeth, all thing I have to have my caretaker do. But, those things are not needed for typing. Unfortunately, my pinky and ring fingers are "nerve dead" and drag over the keyboard, and cause horrific spelling errors and typos, which are incredibly frustrating to deal with.
Unfortunately trying to edit errors myself, just makes the errors worse, because those same two fingers drag over the keyboard yet again. Prior to the golf club attack, I rarely had spelling errors; now I got more spelling errors then someone is learning English as second language. Editing is a challenge, that I've had to accept, I simply can not do myself, and I have to hire several editors to help with that.
Low verbal means sounds can still be made, sounds that software programs like Dragon can be trained to recognize and translate, and type into full words. More then half my novels were typed with this method.
I still have a long ways to go before I am anything close to being able to do the things I could do before the golf club woman beat my baby's brains out and shattered my spine. And you know what's more frustrating then how slow mu medical progression has been? The fact that it's been 13 years and the police and FBI are still coming up at dead ends as to who the woman who murdered my baby was, or why she even did it.
My son's 14th birthday is only a few weeks away, but he didn't even get to live long enough to celebrate his 1st birthday, I don't even know why. And I can't wait to regain my ability to walk again, because regaining my ability to walk, means gaining the ability to go outside and start looking for my son's murderer myself instead of sitting at home trapped in a wheelchair waiting for the police and FBI to to find her. So, writing isn't a big priority for me anymore. I only write now, as a way to exercise my hands, in between relearning to walk.
Never let a disability stop you. Plenty of writers, artists, athletes, do not let either blindness, speech impediments, or limited mobility hold then back from perusing their careers.
Do you know who these two woman who crippled me and murdered my baby, at Southern Maine Community College at 10PM on November 14, 2013, are, and what their connection to the backhoe that drove over my house is? If you have any information, please give it to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office.
Important:
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There are no ebook editions as they are already available digitally here on my website.
If you have any information about my son’s murderer, please call FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322
- Everything we are allowed to publicly release about The FBI Investigation Can Be Found Here
If you encounter a page which asks for a password, no, you can not request access. There are over 2k pages of this website set to password access, due to the ongoing FBI investigation into my son's murder. If you are a police officer authorized access these pages but do not have the passwords, let me know, I will deliver the passwords to the specific pages you are allowed to access, to you via the Portland FBI office and you can pick them up from the FBI agent in charge of the murder investigation.
Pages where you can find out more information on that:
And if you're one of those lunatic jackass bullshitting alien abduction UFO freaks, looking for haunted cars or EBEs, first off, you can go fuck yourselves. I am so damned sick of you conspiracy brained motherfuckers harassing my family. Here's some pages for you:
If you are one of (as of December 2025, the now more than ten thousand) daily visitors, who arrive here daily in search of SEO advice, I made this page for you:
This website is a safe zone for LGBTQAI+, pagans, polys, trans, neurodivergent, disabled, mobile aid user, minority, cosplayers, otherkin, furries, & BIOPIC communities.
If you are a hater, you can go fuck yourself.
Racist bigots like you MURDERED MY SON... they beat his 8 month old brains out with a golf club.
Racist bigots like you DROVE A BACKHOE OVER MY HOUSE... while I was 5 months pregnant.
Racist bigots like you BROKE MY SPINE AND PUT ME IN A WHEELCHAIR... broke my spine with a golf club while accusing me of being "a transvestite", while screaming "kill or be killed, kill all the trannies", while calling me "a man in a dress", WHILE, I a cis female, was 8 months pregnant!
So FUCK ALL OF YOU transphobic, gay hating bastards. Burn in Hell where shit like you belongs, and stay the fuck away from me and my family, you fucking pieces of filth!
I'm sick of MUFON nuts showing up in my yard calling me an alien abductee and claiming my friend is an alien EBE. WTF? Who the hell started this rumor and why do people keep believing it and harassing my family over it?
crazy reddit people have latched on to some weird slander and then hunted down my home address to harass my family in person and I don't know how to stop them. They have absolutely destroyed my life... and I haven't got a clue why they are even doing it to begin with!
this has been happening to my family for well over a decade now, and it is STILL happening right now in May 2026, and I am sick of it , and I don't know who started it or why... but it's really easy to find podcasts on spotify and youtube, and threads here on Reddit, that will tell you my car is "the world most haunted car" and feed you bull shit about me being an alien abductee, or telling you I was in Stephen King movies... really wild, and stupid people see that malicious slanderous bullshit and think it's real, then show up at my house, because those videos put my home address in them.
These people are out of control and when I say out of control, I mean my son Xavier is dead, i am crippled and people are AGAIN right now this week, showing up calling my Dodge "haunted", calling my friend "an alien", calling me "transgender", spreading wild defamation slander connecting me to Stephen King. I need to start taking down the contact information of every blogger, podcaster, youtuber, and social media account spreading these rumors, and sue every one of them for CAUSING my car to be cut in half May 10, 2010, for CAUSING the backhoe that drove over my house August 8, 2013, for CAUSING my son's murder November 14, 2013, for CAUSING me to be crippled and in a wheelchair November 14, 2013, and for CONTINUING to CAUSE harassers to show up in person to harass me near daily, STILL now in 2026.
EVERYONE saying my car is haunted, saying my friend is an alien, calling my car "the goldeneagle", calling my friend "Etiole", or trying to connect me or my car to Stephen King, is lying to you.
I mean, who in their right mind even believes in haunted cars to begin with?
Who in their right mind even believes in aliens or ufos?
Who in their right mind believes a car is haunted, so they cut the car in half, then drive a backhoe over the house its at because they think an 8 month pregnant woman is a transgender man wearing a dress? Then beats her up with a golf club, severed her spine, rips her baby out of her belly and bashes his head in with a golf club... who in their right mind does things like this?
They crippled me when I was 8 months pregnant, a woman with a golf club, severed my spine and bashed my baby's head in, I spent 9 years relearning to walk, and the FBI is 13 years into the murder investigation and not yet id-ed the attacker who crippled me and killed my baby, both violently with a golf club.
buglight lighthouse is the lighthouse on the college campus.
buglight lighthouse, (near Spring Point Lighthouse, both at Prebble Fort around the corner from Portland HeadLight Lighthouse), that is where my 8 month son was murdered November 14, 2013, same day i became paralized by the woman with a golf club. FBI investigation has been going 13 years now and they still have not identified her.
I had only 1 semester left at SMCC, but I've been paralyzed since the attack and not yet recovered enough to return to finish college.
I've always found it strange why was it never in the news what happened to me on campus? I was in Hillary's class at the buglight art study, there by the lighthouse, helping Hillary put the art stuff away.
I went out the big glass door, on the beach side, right beside the lighthouse, where my Volo was parked in the first spot, and the woman with the golf club had been hiding behind my car, jumped out and attacked. I was 8 months pregnant, she severed my spinal column, broke 3 vertebrae, forced early labour, and then killed my baby with the golf club too.
I had no use of my arms or legs for 9 years, and started relearning to walk in 2021 after 9 years paralyzed.
today in 2026, I have regained use of two fingers on my right hand, and have gained enough leg strength to push my wheelchair around the block like a rollator a couple times a week, but its been 13 years and I've not yet recovered enough to return to college and finish my last semester.
FBI believes it is friends/family of the woman who did it, who are the ones started and spreading the rumors saying my car is haunted, saying I'm an alien abductee, saying all kinds of similar bull shit about aliens, ufos, ghosts, witchcraft, demons, and Stephen King connections, even though I don't believe in ghosts, aliens, ufos, demons, and had never heard of Stephen King before 30k of his fans showed up in my yard trying to find my car!
FBI believes the backhoe driver and murderer are same person and that it is a developer who wanted my land, so started the Stephen King, ghost, and alien rumors all in an attempt to drive me off my land, but when it didn't work they drove a backhoe over my house, but when that didn't work they crippled me and killed my son.
And I don't even know why.
Why are they doing this?
How do I get them to stop?
And who? Who is behind this? I don't even know who the people behind it are!
If you have ever mocked my son's murder, know that only an evil person thinks mocking a baby's murder is funny, and YOU are evil. You who mock the murder of a child, you are vile. If you mock the murder of other people's children, then you certainly are not fit to be raising any children of your own. And if I find out YOU mocked my son's murder and you have a child, rest assured I AM and probably ALREADY HAVE reported you to Child Protective Services. No fit parents
If you have ever mocked my WW2 homeless vet friend and called him an alien or demon, leading to his current crippled state after being gunned down by a mob of ufo nuts on November 24, 2021 in Biddeford, Maine, know that only an evil person thinks calling elderly men aliens and demons is a good time. You who call a crippled homeless man an alien, you are dispecable.
If you have ever mocked the fact that a backhoe drove over my house leaving me homeless for now 13 years... then I sincerely hope and pray that you become homeless in just a violent a manner as I did, that you may experience for yourself the things you mock, and learn to never mock them again. Only evil people drive backhoes over houses and only evil people support them in their actions. You who think hurting others is a thing to make jokes and podcasts about, you ought to be ashamed of yourselves.
You are vile, evil, hateful person, and one day you will look back at the things you have done and realize just how evil you really are.
If you ever called my car haunted, if you ever called me a believer of aliens/ufos, if you ever in any way slandered me with alien, ufo, demon, ghosts, haunting, paranormal, or Stephen King bull shit, rest assured I DO hate YOU and YOU personally.
Do you know who drove this backhoe over my house at 146 Portland Avenue, Old Orchard Beach, Maine on August 8, 2013? If you have any information, please give it to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office.
My house at 146 Portland Ave, Old Orchard Beach, Maine, July 4, 2013, photo taken because we had just finished building a baby room on the back. vs My house August 8, 2013, when the same group of people (yes group, the golf club woman was not alone when she attacked November 14, 2013, nor was she alone with her second attack July 2016.) who murdered my son on November 14, 2013 at Southern Maine Community College and crippled me July 26, 2016 at scarborough WalMart,... they arrived the first time with a backhoe on August 8, 2013, that they used to drive over my house, during a time of day that I normally was home asleep... I had to work a different shift at the Waffle Cone Pizza Food Truck at George's Parking Lot by Bill's Pizza at the OBB Peir, that day, otherwise, I too would be at the bottom of a landfill, along with my house and everything I owned that was also in the house. I was 5 months pregnant at the time and have been homeless for just under 14 years, homeless ever since....
... which means it is now only a few weeks from the 14th anniversary of my son's murder. I was 8 month pregnant November 14, 2013, and a student ay SMCC, and coming out of the Buglight Lighthouse art studio after art class, when a still unidentifiedwoman wielding a golf club attacked me, severed my spine, while I was 8 months pregnant, triggered early labour, then killed my son minutes after he was born.
While accusing me of being transgender, screaming "transvestite freak" and "look at that thing, that's Ken's son in a dress"... while I was 8 months pregnant.
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My house at 146 Portland Ave, Old Orchard Beach, Maine, July 4, 2013, photo taken because we had just finished building a baby room on the back. vs My house August 8, 2013, when the same group of people (yes group, the golf club woman was not alone when she attacked November 14, 2013, nor was she alone with her second attack July 2016.) who murdered my son and crippled me, arrived the first time with a backhoe that they used to drive over my house, during a time of day that I normally was home asleep... I had to work a different shift at the Waffle Cone Pizza Food Truck at George's Parking Lot by Bill's Pizza at the OBB Peir, that day, otherwise, I too would be at the bottom of a landfill, along with my house and everything I owned that was also in the house. I was 5 months pregnant at the time and have been homeless for just under 14 years, homeless ever since. |
The backhoe driver returned November 14, 2013, armed with a golf club, used it to break my spine and smash my baby's brains out on the ground
On November 14, 2013, my son was murdered. I was 8 months pregnant, leaving my college classroom, and just getting into my car, when 3 strangers, a man and two women, armed with golf clubs leapt out from behind my car screaming "kill or be killed, kill the transvestite freaks, kill them all before they kill us! look at that thing! That is Ken's son, look at how it's dressed! kill the transvestite freaks! kill or be killed"... while the bald man and the red haired woman chanted this over and over, the blonde woman, lunged with the golf club.
She severed my spine, I am now a quadriplegic, and been paralyzed arms and legs, and in a wheelchair for 13 years now. She broke my hips, my knees, my legs, ruptured most of my discs, and shattered three of my vertebrae so bad that the shards of bone acted like glass and embedded themselves into my spinal column nerve bundle.
The attack also triggered labour.
My son was born in that parking lot, and he lived only a couple of minutes, before the deranged blonde woman, beat his head in and smashed his brains out, with the same golfclub she had just used to sever my spine and leave me crippled for the rest of my life.
Realizing that I was not transgender, and they'd just murdered a baby, the man grabbed the 2 women and forcibly dragged them away to a 4 door white pickup truck, and they left me there to die.
The FBI told me later, that a few weeks before this attack, and transwoman, had murdered a cis woman, in a parking lot, abou 20 miles away from where I was attacked. The FBI, believes that my attackers, had somehow found out I wrote transgender fiction, connecting my real name to my penname, (my father's name is in fact "Ken", and I do have a brother) and believed that I wrote transgender fiction, because I was myself transgender, even though I'm not transgender. The FBI, believes the attackers, thought I was my brother, pretending to be a woman.
The FBI investigation, into my son's murder, has dragged on for 13 years, and still now in 2026, continues on, with the FBI, still not having yet identified my attackers, and only guessing at what their motive was.
Thus we come to 2014, and the full swing change of the series I write. WHY my series, went from just a transman main character living life, to the full blown Mpreg genre series that it now is today.
Before the attack, I had a chance of having a baby. I don't know. And because I'm in America, I'm too old to adopt. You have to be under 45 years old to adopt a baby. That is the law in America. I was informed this, when we tried to adopt, now that my injuries leave me unable to get pregnant a 9th time.
Thus began my obsessively writing, my transman main character, pregnant. Always pregnant now. Every time. Every story. Stories that now fully focus on pregnancy, labour, miscarriages, babies dying, babies living, raising babies... the whole series, since 2014 has devolved into an outright baby obsession.
Meanwhile, reborn baby dolls were suggested to me by my therapist, and have also become a deeply obsessive part of my life. Because 13 years ago my son was murdered minutes after he was born, because a transphobic bigot mistook me for being transgender, I'm STILL in a wheelchair, struggling to relearn to use my arms and legs, now 13 years later, and I'm still DAILY dealing with police officers and FBI agents who while they are trying to find my son's killer, they are also daily reminding me... oh, yeah, my son was murdered, literally ripped out of my belly, by a transphobe. Who still has not been located and walks free to kill again.
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The golfclub woman as she looked during the golf club attack at Southern Maine community college November 14, 2013. She is about 20 to 30 years older then me and would be around 75 to 85 years old now in 2026. If you have any information about the identity of this child murderer, please call FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 |
The golfclub woman as she looked during the shopping cart attack at Scarborough WalMart July 26, 2016. She is about 20 to 30 years older then me and would be around 75 to 85 years old now in 2026. If you have any information about the identity of this child murderer, please call FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 |
The 2nd woman as she looked at both attacks, her hair goes all the way down to her knees. She is about 20 to 30 years older then me and would be around 75 to 85 years old now in 2026. If you have any information about the identity of this child murderer's accomplice, please call FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 |
Do you know who these two woman who crippled me and murdered my baby, at Southern Maine Community College at 10PM on November 14, 2013, are, and what their connection to the backhoe that drove over my house is? If you have any information, please give it to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office.
I am a legally blind quadriplegic, and low verbal, I have also published 138 novels in the last 48 years. It's not as impossible as people think. The problem being blind and quadriplegic, medically have different meanings then how those two words are used medically.
Fewer than 3% of all blind people see nothing. While 97% people who are classified as fully blind are able to see up to two feet in front of them. Legally blind means I can see more then two feet in front of me but not far enough to see twenty feet in front of me. In my case I can see about eight feet.
Quadriplegic, has varying levels, it means having a damaged nerve bundle in the spinal column causing limited mobility of all 4 limbs, (in my case this was done by a women wielding a golf club, who also beat my 8 month infant's head to pulp on the parking lot tarmak, at the same time she severed my spine with the same golf club; both on November 14, 2013; the FBI investigation into my son's murder and my being crippled has gone on now for 13 years, a few weeks away from 14 years now, and the FBI has still not identified the killer or her motive). Contrary to popular misconception, quadriplegic does NOT mean ZERO movement, it means means limited movement, specifically in means unable to lift arms over head, unable to grip fingers around objects to pick them up, and unable to stand for more then 5 minutes to a time. Because there are so many thousands of nerves in each limb it is actually very rare for there to be 100% no movement, but how much, and to what extent varies by patent depending upon the specific point of injury to the spinal column.
Meaning typing is still possible for over 60% of all quadriplegics.
In my case, it was the lower spine that was severed, cutting off completly my ability to move my right leg, leaving limited feeling in my left leg, and an ability to stand but not walk, with crutches, for the first 9 years. I regained enough nerve growth in my legs by the 9th year to be able to take ten or twelve steps allowing me to get out of bed for the first time since the golf club attack; This in turn lead to me being able to start using a wheelchair, as I was able to sit upright for the first time as well.
Because the shattered vertebrae bone fragments are broken off completly and embedded into the nerve bundle just above my tailbone, doctors were saying I would never walk again, but now at 13 years, I am able to push mu wheelchair like a walker, a distance of almost a thousand steps a day. Though doctors are still doubtful I will ever walk "normally" again, I have proven them wrong, when their said 13 years ago, that I would never walk again at all.
But because of the placement of the damage to my spine, regaining hand use, was always thought possible, it was just a matter of waiting long enough for nerve regrowth, along side daily finger exercises. I was able to continue writing, after becoming quadriplegic, because I still have use of my right thumb, and 2 fore figures of my right hand. And can type 90 words per minute with those 3 fingers.
I however have no wrist strength, elbow strength, or shoulder strength, so I am not able to form a fist, or lift objects, or brush my hair, or my teeth, all thing I have to have my caretaker do. But, those things are not needed for typing. Unfortunately, my pinky and ring fingers are "nerve dead" and drag over the keyboard, and cause horrific spelling errors and typos, which are incredibly frustrating to deal with.
Unfortunately trying to edit errors myself, just makes the errors worse, because those same two fingers drag over the keyboard yet again. Prior to the golf club attack, I rarely had spelling errors; now I got more spelling errors then someone is learning English as second language. Editing is a challenge, that I've had to accept, I simply can not do myself, and I have to hire several editors to help with that.
Low verbal means sounds can still be made, sounds that software programs like Dragon can be trained to recognize and translate, and type into full words. More then half my novels were typed with this method.
I still have a long ways to go before I am anything close to being able to do the things I could do before the golf club woman beat my baby's brains out and shattered my spine. And you know what's more frustrating then how slow mu medical progression has been? The fact that it's been 13 years and the police and FBI are still coming up at dead ends as to who the woman who murdered my baby was, or why she even did it.
My son's 14th birthday is only a few weeks away, but he didn't even get to live long enough to celebrate his 1st birthday, I don't even know why. And I can't wait to regain my ability to walk again, because regaining my ability to walk, means gaining the ability to go outside and start looking for my son's murderer myself instead of sitting at home trapped in a wheelchair waiting for the police and FBI to to find her. So, writing isn't a big priority for me anymore. I only write now, as a way to exercise my hands, in between relearning to walk.
Never let a disability stop you. Plenty of writers, artists, athletes, do not let either blindness, speech impediments, or limited mobility hold then back from perusing their careers.
Do you know who these two woman who crippled me and murdered my baby, at Southern Maine Community College at 10PM on November 14, 2013, are, and what their connection to the backhoe that drove over my house is? If you have any information, please give it to FBI Agent Andy Drewer at 207–774–9322 of the Portland, Maine FBI office.
Looking to find out more about my son's murder, that information is on these pages: