If your ass ain’t freezing or your brains ain’t scrambled, you’re ain’t really trying

If your ass ain’t freezing or your brains ain’t scrambled, you’re ain’t really trying.

The sea roared far below. Waves crashed against black jagged rocks, hurling sea foam high into the grey air. The cliff side wind howled louder than the ocean and bit through Quaraun’s silk robes like cold razors.

He sat alone on a rust-stained iron bench, the kind of bench that killed you slowly — rotted slats, jagged nails, bolts worn to rust dust, and frostbitten metal that leached warmth straight from your bones. It squealed in protest beneath his weight.

Quaraun hated benches.

He hated the ocean.

He hated being cold.

And above all, he hated waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

“Why the fuck am I sitting here waiting for?”

The ancient Elf wrapped his pink silk robes tighter around his thin frame, pulled his fur-lined pink hood lower, and glared down at the icy rocks, as if glaring at them would make them disappear. His legs dangled — he was too short for the seat — and the effort to keep his feet from dragging was exhausting. His cane lay forgotten beside him, clattering against the bench each time he shivered.

“Where are they?” he muttered to himself, gold-plated mechanical fingers trembling as he adjusted his gloves. “They said to meet here. I hate waiting. This is undignified. I am The Pink Necromancer. Last of the Moon Elves. Court Mage of The UnSeelie Court. Wizard of the Di’Jinn Order. I should not be sitting on… on… what the fuck am I even sitting on? Street furniture?”

“Ya shoulda stayed in the tent if yer balls was gonna freeze off, Love,” came BoomFuzzy’s voice from the fog.

Quaraun looked up.

BoomFuzzy trotted through the snow as a lilac Shetland pony, his goggles fogged, his silver eyes swirling beneath them. With a POUF, he transformed mid-step, returning to his usual blind Lich self in a swirl of mist and swearing.

“Why do you look like that?” Quaraun asked, narrowing his eyes at the absurd contraption BoomFuzzy wore.

“What? This?” BoomFuzzy tapped his face. “Zombie-Eyed Goggles. Just picked ’em off some dead hiker what fell off the cliff.”

Quaraun glanced down the side of the perilous cliff.

“How did you find a hiker down there?”

“Easy. I stole the goggle afore I threw him off the cliff.”

“Human hiker?”

“Aye.”

“Oh. well that’s fine I suppose. Too many Humans in this world.”

“Aye.”

“Why was a Human wearing those?”

“Don’t know. Didn’t ask. I were too busy hauling his arse to the cliff while him were screaming ‘NO DON’T KILL ME PLEASE!’ Though he did say something about shadow Demons in a cave.”

“I knew this place was cursed.”

“Yup. And haunted. Also prolly cannibal-infested.”

“And you brought me here WHY?” Quaraun snarled.

“Romance,” BoomFuzzy said, deadpan.

Quaraun rolled his eyes.

“HOW is THIS romance?”

“I see yer still sittin’ on that death trap,” BoomFuzzy continued. “Figured ya’d have frostbite by now.”

“I do. My ass is numb. My thighs are numb. My everything is numb. I have lost all sensation. Even my dignity. And why are you wearing a blindfold over your goggles?”

“‘Cause I’m stylish, Bitch.”

“Stop calling me a bitch!”

“Bitch.”

A rustle behind them.

Both turned.

GhoulSpawn emerged from the snowdrifts like a nervous ghost in a stolen cloak too big for him. His gold eyes glinted under his hood, unblinking and too large for his gaunt face.

“I found… uh… the thing,” GhoulSpawn whispered. “I think. Maybe.”

“The thing?” Quaraun echoed, shivering. “What thing?”

GhoulSpawn pulled a tangle of rusted chains from under his coat. They jangled, twitching slightly, as if still alive.

“Oh… fuck that,” BoomFuzzy muttered.

“Where did you get those?” Quaraun recoiled in horror.

“They were in the cave. Behind the bench. Um. Guarded by… twitching… whispering shadows… but they didn’t say I couldn’t take it so I… did?”

“You stole from a shadow cave?” Quaraun stood suddenly, immediately lost his balance, and collapsed sideways off the bench. “DAMN IT!”

“Uhm,” GhoulSpawn said nervously. “Are you okay?”

“I AM NEVER OKAY!”

Quaraun writhed in the snow, clutching at his pink robes.

“My hands! My legs! My dignity! That bench was frozen SOLID! I have bench slivers in my ass! Frostbitten splinters! I am going to die!”

BoomFuzzy leaned over, picked up a bit of the bench Quaraun had broken on his way down, and pocketed it.

“What’s that for?” GhoulSpawn asked.

“Souvenir,” he said. “Might sell well to necromantic bench fetishists looking for frozen necromancer arseprints.”

Quaraun was still shrieking in the snow.

“My hands do not work!” he wailed. “I can not push myself up! Why did I SIT on that…that…that… THING?!”

“’Cause ya whine like a goat in a hailstorm and wouldn’t stand while waitin’,” BoomFuzzy said.

GhoulSpawn looked down at the rusty chains, still twitching in his hands.

“I think these are cursed.”

“No shit,” BoomFuzzy muttered.

“Can I keep them?”

“Let him,” Quaraun gasped. “Let him wear them. Let him choke on them. Maybe he will STOP TWITCHING for five damned seconds.”

“Uhm… I can’t twitch… that’s… uh… sort of a muscle spasm thing… I’m sorry…”

“Stop apologizing for being! Stop breathing! Stop moving! Just STOP!”

Quaraun tried to rise, but only flailed helplessly in the snow.

“Help me up! My legs are frozen!”

BoomFuzzy casually pulled him upright and dusted him off.

“There. Better, my precious drama queen?”

“No. I am going to kill you both and then myself, so I can haunt the fucking shit out of both of you!”

“That’s the spirit.”

“Uhm… also,” GhoulSpawn said softly. “I think… the shadows… are following us now.”

They all turned.

Sure enough, dark, eyeless shapes were gliding across the snow, whispering in half-formed words, trailing behind the bench like vapourous regrets.

“Right,” BoomFuzzy said. “Time to run.”

“I can not run! My legs are — !”

“Too bad! RUN FASTER, YA FUCKING FROSTBITTEN FAERIE!”

“I AM NOT A FAERIE! I AM AN ELF! STOP PUSHING ME!”

BoomFuzzy shoved Quaraun forward, and the Elf half-hopped, half-limped through the drifts, shrieking in rage.

“THIS IS NOT DIGNIFIED! THIS IS NOT SURVIVAL! THIS IS STUPID! I HATE THE COLD! I HATE BENCHES! I HATE YOU! I HATE EVERYTHING! WHERE IS MY WAND? I’LL KILL EVERYTHING!”

Behind them, the shadows screeched.

“Right,” BoomFuzzy said, grinning as he scooped Quaraun over his shoulder and ran. “That’s enough whining. Time to start surviving.”

“UNHAND ME YOU BRUTE! PUT ME DOWN!”

“Guys, wait for me!” GhoulSpawn called out.

• +5 Frostbitten Bench Scraps Added to Inventory
• +3 Zombie-Eyed Goggles Added to Inventory
• +1 Rusty Chains of Nervous Twitching Added to Inventory

Achievement Unlocked: Stop Whining, Start Surviving
Quaraun gained +4 Silver Chain Jingle Resistance
BoomFuzzy the Unicorn gained +6 Brutal Honesty
GhoulSpawn gained +3 Shadow Bench Camouflage

Moral of the Story: If your ass ain’t freezing or your brains ain’t scrambled, you’re ain’t really trying.

The Pink Necromancer, Moon Elf silk weaver & merchant: Quaraun on Noodle Beach. His master chef Phooka turned Lich husband: BoomFuzzy with his 1968 VW Bus Beach Noodle Food Truck. And their on again/off again mad scientist Sheep Demon lover: GhoulSpawn with his 1974 AMC Gremlin time machine. Time Travel setting swings back and forth between 40th century Maine after a comet hit the moon decimating the planet, and the 1970s, Maine. Quaraun in the main character, he and BoomFuzzy are a married gay couple. GhoulSpawn is their shared live-in lover. Art by Wendy Christine Allen.

BoomFuzzy King Gwallmaiic aka BoomFuzzy the Unicorn: Quaraun's husband, BoomFuzzy aka King Gwallmaiic, a Scottish Phooka, who is King of The UnSeelie Court. Quaraun is his court mage and advisor, as well as the only Elf in The UnSeelie Court. BoomFuzzy is a "classic fantasy type" Necromancer who uses sorcery to raise the dead. Being a Faerie he is also an illusionist and master of trickster magic. By profession, he is a Master Chef, owning the global monopoly on restaurants, taverns, pubs, and food trucks. Until his death, BoomFuzzy was regarded as the world's most powerful wizard. He is now a Lich. BoomFuzzy is also half-Human. His mother was a Mongolian/Chinese Human, which is why he wears distinctively Asian outfits, along with a great kilt worn as a cape. Known as BoomFuzzy the Unicorn, he often takes the form of a purple Unicorn. BoomFuzzy's exact age is unknown, though he was well over two thousand years old at the time of his death, and Quaraun resurrected him as a Lich around 500+ years ago, making him close to 3,000 years old. In his BlackBird form he is fifteen thousand years old. Art by Wendy Christine Allen

Quaraun Quaraun the Insane aka The Pink Necromancer: The F2M transgender Persian Moon Elf main character: The Pink Necromancer, Quaraun The Insane, with BoomFuzzy the Unicorn. F2M for those unaware = Quaraun was biologically born female, but transitioned to live as a male; this is why there are stories where Quaraun is sometimes pregnant, in spite of being male and using he/him male pronouns. Quaraun is a Necromancer by the actual dictionary definition of the word, meaning he is a psychic medium who sees and hears ghosts, and uses tarot, spirit boards, and seances to communicate with the dead. By profession he is a silk weaver/tailor/silk merchant. Quaraun is an Elder God JellyFish who takes the form of an Elf to blend in with society. His 12 foot long hair is made out of venomous, stinging jellyfish tentacles. Quaraun is BoomFuzzy's apprentice and regarded as the world's most powerful still living wizard. Quaraun's exact age is unknown, but he is somewhere around 750 years old. In his SunTa form he is twelve thousand years old. The Scared Pink JellyFish that lives in him, is stated to being over two million years old. Art by Wendy Christine Allen

Main characters: The Pink Necromancer, Quaraun (A Moon Elf) and his husband King Gwallmaiic aka BoomFuzzy aka The Elf Eater of Pepper Valley, Lich King of Fire Mountain (A Phooka/Faerie).

BoomFuzzy is King of The UnSeelie Court;

Quaraun is his Court Mage;

GhoulSpawn (not pictured) is Quaraun’s apprentice.

They are the world’s three most evil super villains, though they do not see themselves as evil. They own the world’s only functioning BioDome and thus hold the world’s monopoly on crops, food, livestock, and fabric, holding the Human population at their sadistic mercy.

These stories are told from their point of view.

 — — Art by Wendy Christine Allen

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