Quaraun opened his eyes and stared up at the dark night sky overhead. He wasn't in the tavern any more. A young black eyed, black haired, black skinned, black garbed Phooka knelt over him. Unicorn was no longer old. With the Vampire ritual his youth had been restored.
"Ya know I has never seen anyone faint as much as ya do," Unicorn said.
"It's a problem," Quaraun agreed, still laying on his back, not daring to move for fear he'd pass out again.
"Ya'll never defeat Lich Lords at this rate. Ya'll walk in room, pass out, un they'll kill ya. Oh me dear dying Moses, hows do ya ever get anything done?"
"It's why I avoided using magic if I don't have to. It drains me. Makes me very weak."
"I can see that."
Quaraun looked down at his clothes. He was not wearing his normal pink ball gowns. He was dressed in black robes. Black robes that he only wore when doing something bloody, as the blood stained were not seen on the cloth.
“Why am I dressed like this?”
“What does ya see?”
“What do you mean?”
“Ya’ve been out of ya head un not seeing t’ings as dey are.”
“I’m dressed in black. I never wear black.”
“Ya did on Fire Mountain.”
“And I am now...why?”
“What else can ya see?”
“What do you mean?”
“I needs ya to remember, Quaraun.”
“Please try to remember, where ya is un what ya has done. It important.”
“Aye. Please try. Ya’ve done a terrible t’ing.”
“Aye. Ya has.”
“What do I need to remember?”
“Look at ya arms.”
“What is going on?”
“Ya tried to kill yarself.”
“No. I didn’t.”
“Ya did. Quaraun, please look at ya hands.”
“I’m covered in blood.”
“Aye. Un not all yars. There is more then ya blood dair.”
“Ye tell me.”
“You don’t know?”
“I were dead.”
“Aye. I woke up. Found ya like dis. Yis covered in blood, un it not all yars. I knows not what has happened to ya, but I can see what ya has done.”
“What did I do?”
“Exactly what FarDarrig predicted.”
“The Vampire Leprechaun, who lives on Fire Mountain.”
“I know who FarDarrig is. What did he predict?”
“Turn back from dis path ya is on. Do no follow him. Ya knows not what he is or what he will do to ya. Ya’ll all die. You Gnome, ya’ll be the first to go. - That what him said. To BeaLuna.”
“Ya does nay know?”
“No. Should I?”
“Aye. Ya should. Ya need to look at what ya has done. Ya needs to wake up out of whatever this dream state is ya is in.”
Quaraun looked down at his arms. Several large gashes, sliced deeply acrossed his wrists.
“How did we get here?”
“Where is we?”
“Look around. We is not in a tavern. Can ya not see that?”
“This is The Mournful Lamb Inn.”
“No. There is no Mournful Lamb Inn.”
“Where are we?”
“We are in a graveyard in Baironi.”
“Why are we in Baironi?”
“I was very sick.”
“You were dying.”
“Aye. I were dying. Except I did die. Un it broke ya heart. Yis a Necromancer. Ya tried to help me. In de end ya did, but at great cost.”
“You were dying. I took you to Massimara on Mount Yenka.”
“Aye. Ya did.”
“You are better?”
"Ahyah. Ya are. Un ya has been ignoring, not wanting to see or hear, everything I has said last few days. Have ya not? Oh, me poor wee lil Elf. Ya messed up yar mind bad, did ya?”
“I don’t remember.”
“Does ya know who I is?”
Quaraun sat up. Unicorn helped him stand.
"Aye, well, no. I is na sure actually."
"You were dead."
"Ahyah. I tinks I still am."
"I saw you die."
"I saw an Orc cut you in half."
"I saw ya fall apart."
"Unicorn!" Quaraun felt both overjoyed and confused. The drugs were finally wearing off. The wounded wizard was finally seeing his surroundings without the clouded haze of hallucinations. He stood and looked around. They were standing in a graveyard, in front of a large crypt. A vast swamp stretched all around them as far as could be seen.
“We’re in a swamp.”
“Aye. This de Swamp of Death.”
"You're not dead."
Unicorn shook his head.
"No. I is dead. I tinks. I is na sure what ya did to me actually. I seem to be fucking dead. Or something of that nature. I twere dead. I is na now. Un yet I is. Undead I believe is term. I is undead creature now. Or I twere I undead already. Am I doubly dead now? The Lichdom thing is confusing. At least now as Vampire I have solid body un feeling, un taste, un, oh, me sexual appetite has soared. Vampires are ever so horny, un me being me, do ya have any idea hows horny I get now? I is horny Phookan VampaLich. Ya did this to me."
“You’re a Vampire?”
“Because yis insane.”
Quaraun looked down at the deep slices in his arms.
“Did I do this?”
“Aye. Ya tried to kill yarself. Ya almost did. I has had hard time getting ya to wake up. This closest ya been to death.”
"Why are you not dead?"
"Ya brought me back."
"No, I didn't."
"Aye, I is afraid ya did. At a great cost."
"Why would I do that?"
"Because yis Necromancer un ya can."
"But I've never raised the dead before. Not like that."
"Well, lobster poop balls, ya have now."
"No. That's not possible."
"Well, suck mango dick damn it, I here, talking to ya, so it looks pretty possible to me. I mean I would know eftah all. I one who twere dead."
"But I can't perform that ritual."
"Well... I am terribly sorry about that, ya did."
"But I faint."
"I tinks we has established that. Bullgaar twere right. Yis one hell of prissy, sissified pansy. Ya faint shit load ton. Course we will no has to be hearing de Dwarf says that of ya no more, seeings hows ya gone un cut his head off."
It suddenly hit Quaraun, the fact that he was alone with Unicorn, with no sign of the bitchy Gnome or the complaining Dwarf anywhere.
“Where’s BeaLuna and Bullgaar?”
“Which parts of ‘em ya want to find?”
“What I could find of them, is buried over dair.”
Unicorn pointed in the direction of two fresh graves.
“Ya cut off dair heads.”
“Ripped out dair hearts.”
“I knew it was coming. I could see it for a while now. They bullied un tormented ya too much. I asked de Gnome to stop, many times. I tried to tell her, what ya is. What ya has done. She would no listen. Ya killed ‘em, like ya killed ya children.”
“I loved my children.”
“I know. But ya loved BoomFuzzy more.”
“They’re not dead.”
“They is dead.”
“Ya killed our friends Quaraun, ya killing everyone un ya needs to face what ya done, before ya get worse then ya are.”
“I didn’t kill them.”
“Ya did. Un ya did it to resurrect me.”
"But I couldn't have done this to you...it requires a blood sacrifice. I can't...it takes blood to..."
"Crapper fucking tiger titties, ya did this to me. Un ya killed dem to do it. Blood, guts un all, unfortunately."
"No," Quaraun gasped, shaking his head and looking absolutely terrified.
"No." Quaraun sunk slowly to the ground.
“They call ya insane for reason, Quaraun.”
"It seems ya had breaking point."
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