~o0o~ Chapter ~o0o~
Unicorn called for the waiter to bring Quaraun a jug of ale, then went back to his argument with ZooLock. Quaraun ate quietly as he listened to the Phooka and the Thullid argue. Quaraun was so intently listening to his companions argument that he did not notice the young human soldier stride up to their table and stare intently at the three non-humans. Quaraun, as he did in every tavern, was not sitting in any of the chairs, stools, or benches provided by the tavern, but rather was sitting on an ornate, gold gilded, throne, covered with pink velvet cushions.
ZooLock," Quaraun interupted them.
"Your argument bores me."
"He is the one..."
"Go find me some food."
"Yes, my Lady."
"Stop calling me that."
ZooLock slipped out of his seat and set out to find food for the wizard.
With ZooLock gone looking for the food Quarun had requested, Unicorn turned his attention to the Elf.
"Eating Humans would be option," Unicorn said.
“Why are you sitting on a throne?” The solider asked.
“I'm a king.”
“Not a queen?”
“I'm the Grand High Emperor of the Triple Planets.”
“You're hair's touching the floor,” the young man said not letting Quaraun finish.
“Yes. I know. I have not cut my hair in three hundred years.”
“Are those real?”
The Human reached out and pulled on Quaraun's foot long ears.
Quaraun slapped the Human.
“How dare you touch me!” Quaraun screamed hysterically. ”No body touches me! I do not like being touched.”
“Are you an Elf?”
Quaraun was still screaming and not listening to the soldier.
Unicorn looked up at the young man and exclaimed: "Oh my! A tasty looking human. Look how him justs, brings hisself right over to us table for me to eats him!"
"You are not eating the humans," Quaraun scolded.
"Oh pooh! Suck a cock dick damn it! Yis one what can nah food ya wants. Eating Humans would be option," Unicorn said.
"If I was going to eat Humans, I wouldn't pick these distatfeul..."
“Do you eat Humans?” The wide eyed Human asked.
"I'm sorry," Quaraun said to the young man, who appeared to be a soldier. "What?"
"You were talking about eating Humans."
"I'm an Elf."
"We don't eat anything that was ever once alive."
The man thought silently for a moment.
"And him?" He pointed to Unicorn.
"He's a Faerie, their ways are different."
"I've never seen any of you before," the soilder said.
"No," Quaraun answered. "We just arrived. We only stopped for a meal and a place to sleep for a few hours. I hurt my leg outside of town, otherwise we wouldn't have stopped at all. I need to rest before we can continue. We will be on our way once we are done eating. Except he's never done eating, so we could be here a while."
The man looked around the room nervously, as though hoping to not be overheard, then pulled a chair up to their table and whispered to Quaraun: "You're new in town, right?”
“Yes. I just said as much. You weren't listening.”
“That means you didn't commit the murders."
"Murders?" Quaraun asked.
"Sssshhhhhh. Not so loud." The man looked around the room, then whispered: "I need your help."
"You don't even know who we are."
"I know you are not murderers."
Unicorn burst out laughing. He laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and then fell out of his chair and continued laughing while laying on the floor.
"What's wrong with him?" The man asked.
"He's a Faerie," Quaraun said. "They do that."
"Oh." The man watched the Faerie as he continued to lay on the floor laughing uncontrollably.
"You were saying you needed our help?" Quaraun asked.
Quaraun kicked Unicorn.
"Stop it," he said to the Phooka.
Unicorn stopped laughing for a few seconds, and then started laughing again.
"Is he all right?"
"Oh, yes, he's fine. Faeries are very emotional creatures. Ignore him and continue, please."
"My name is Mallac. I am the chief of the Burgermeister's guards and he has assigned me to solve the mystery of the recent murders, but I'm no detective. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know who I can trust, I need help..."
Unicorn sat up and pulled himself back up into his chair and said: "Un ya t'inks we looks likes, we be good upstanding, trustworthy, un-cannibalistic, non-murderous citizens willing for to helps ya, eh?"
"What be tripping ya up, dat we is cannibalistic or dat we is murderers?"
Mallac stared bugged eyed at Unicorn then sent a questioning glance back to Quaraun.
"Faerie," Quaraun said. "They say the first thing that comes out of their mouths, without stopping to think about what it is or how it sounds. Please, ignore him and continue with your story."
Quaraun popped a truffle into his pink painted mouth and waited for Mallac to continue.
"I don't know who I can trust and I've heard Elves are compassionate and willing to help those in need."
Unicorn started laughing again.
"Ya heard... hahahaha! Elves! Hahahaha!"
"Quaraun? Compassionate? Ha ha! Un willing to help! Ho ho, heh, ha!"
Mallac turned back to Quaraun.
"Faerie," Quaraun said.
"You are an Elf aren't you?"
"Yes. I am an Elf, but he's right. Faerie or no. You shouldn't trust strangers, not even an Elf. Especially not me."
"Why not trust strangers or why not trust Elves?"
“Why not trust Elves.”
“There do exist cannibalistic murdering Elves.”
“Have you ever met one?”
“You're talking to one.”
“Where is it?”
Quaraun blinked and waited for the Human's brain to register what he had said, but, Humans, being the idiots they are, this one being more idiotic then most, never once thought that Quaraun might possibly be referring to himself. Quaraun popped another truffle into his mouth, then straightened a few of the many rings that sat sparkling on his fingers.
"You don't know who I am do you?" Quaraun finally asked.
"No. Should I?"
"I don't know. Soilders tend to be the ones who put up the wanted posters and read the Guild's most wanted of the week messages."
"You'd think if any one knew a pink robed, Moon Elf wizard, it'd be a Burgermiester's guard, right?"
"You've never heard of The Pink Necromancer before have you?"
"No. Should I have?"
"You don't ever read those wanted posters you put up around the town then?"
"No. Why would I? It's not like anyone new ever comes to these parts. We're East. Everyone is heading West."
“We don't get many Elves around here.”
“We do have a gang half-Elves in town. Strange men. Wizards. Keep to themselves. Live in that creepy tower outside of town.”
"But you are an Elf?"
"I am a Moon Elf. You mentioned the tower..."
"Oh good. I wasn't sure. I'd never seen an Elf like you before."
"Because he's a Moon Elf," ZooLock pointed out. "Last of his kind."
"Yes I heard...uhm...her...him?" Mallac leaned closer to Quaraun. "I'm sorry. Are you a male Elf?"
“Do you think I'm a male Elf?”
"Yes. Uhm. I think. I thought you were a female when I started talking to you. I mean you look like... but your voice, you don't... you sound like... "
“I'm a male Elf with a female Jellyfish living in my brain. The Elf in me died centuries ago. The Jelly controls my body. I have the mind, spirit, and soul of a female. I just have the misfortune of living in a male body.”
“You're insane aren't you?”
“Yes, actually I am. I'm Quaraun the Insane, that's what everyone calls me these days. It's the name they put on the wanted posters. 'Quaraun the Insane: World's Most wanted Criminal. Extremely dangerous. Aproach with caution. Neceromancer. Always wears pink.”
“So are you male or female?”
“Does it matter?”
“Uuuhhmm... Why wouldn't it?”
“The only person who needs to know what my biological gender is, is the person I choose to sleep with. It only matters what sex I am to some one who wants to fuck me. And then it only matters if I actually want them to fuck me. He's the only the one allowed to fuck me.” Quaraun pointed to Unicorn. “And so he's the only one who needs to know what gender I physically am.”
“And that would be?”
“You want me to lift up my skirts and show you what I got between my legs?”
"Oh, uhm.. no...I thought... I'm sorry.... I didn't mean... I'm... I... I've never seen an Elf like you before. But the way you're dressed and the make up and jewellery, you look..."
"No, you were right to think I was a female...I do not dress as a male."
"Oh, well... uhm...why do you dress like a woman? If you don't mind my asking."
"I am a wizard of the Di'Jinn order. This is how we dress. We reject the gender of our birth, to embody the soul of both genders."
“I don't understand.”
“I'm a Thullid.”
“THAT is a Thullid.”
Quaraun pointed to ZooLock, who was just then using his longest tentacles to steal food off the plates of the next table.
“That's one of those squid headed Chaos Demons.”
“Yes. They are called Thullids.”
“You don't have a squid head.”
“No. Not all Thullids do. There are different types of Thullids. Some are Squids. Some are Octopus. Some are Cuttlefish. Some are Sea Cucumbers. Some are Lobsters. Some are Eels. I'm a Jellyfish. I will never get any bigger then the size of an apple, and therefore I will never grow large enough to have to hatch out of my host's body. I will forever look like an Elf. I will never have a Squid head. I'm not a Squid Thullid. I'm a Jelly Thullid. I am beautiful pink Jellyfish with long feathery purple ruffled tentacles...”
"So, you ARE insane.”
Quaraun sighed and went back to eating melba toast.
“But, you're a wizard, right? You said something about being a Genie."
"DiJinn. Yes," Quaraun sounded annoyed at having been interrupted. "I am a wizard of the Di'Jinn order..."
"So you ARE a wizard."
"I'm a Di'Jinn wizard."
"How is that differant from any other wizard?"
"It make him a elitist, egotistical wizard," Unicorn chirped.
"Will you go turn yourself into a Unicorn, run into a tree, and knock yourself out for a while?" Quaraun said to Unicorn.
Unicorn simply raised his mug, saluted the Elf and went back to drinking.
"He's a Moon Elf," ZooLock said to Mallac.
"Yes, I heard him..." Mallac started to answer.
"Why are you drinking that?" Quaraun demanded of Unicorn. "You're a Lich. You can't get drunk and you know it."
"No," Unicorn laughed. "But it annoyances ya un dat do be fun."
"Why can't he get drunk?" Mallac asked.
"He's dead!" Quaraun screamed.
"I thought you said he was a Faerie."
"He is a Faerie."
"But you just said he was dead."
"I think I'm confused."
"Of course you are. You're a Human. I'm a Necromancer. He's a dead Faerie. What is there to be confused about?"
"What?" Unicorn smiled trying not to start laughing again. "I sitting here, talking, laughing, drinking, not rotting in the grave being eat up by maggots wherest I shouldsest be?"
"He done tolds ya already, he bes a wizard of the Di'Jinn order. Did ya really expects of him to not has a dead thing sitting here with him?"
"Ya does'na knows what a Di'Jinn wizard is does ya?" Unicorn asked.
"You're dead?" Was all Mallac could think to say.
"He's a Moon Elf," ZooLock said once again.
"Yes, I heard you before."
"Ya do'na know who he is being, doose ya?" Unicorn said while trying to stifle a snicker.
"I am a Moon Elf," Quaraun said plainly as he began spreading chocolate sauce, pickle slices, and apricot preserves on his biscuits.
"A Moon Elf who likes, BoomFuzzy's chocolate covered apricots...and right now with extra pickles and ice cream. Boy is ya eating weird things lately, Quaraun."
"Does that mean some thing?"
"The Moon Elves are extinct," Quaraun answered. "They went extinct centuries ago."
"If they went extinct then how can you..."
"It means, that I am Quaraun the Insane, Last of the Moon Elves..."
"So you're like crazy or something?"
"Or something. I am Quaraun the Insane, Last of the Moon Elves, Ruler of the Di'Jinn, Murderer of Gibedon the Great, Master of the Dead, Commander of the Lich Lords, Resurector of the Black Dragon, most powerful and most feared Necromancer of all time. I am the most feared wizard on the planet. Lover to the Elf Eater of Pepper Valley. Grand High Emperor of the Triple Planets..."
"Huh. Never heard of you."
Quaraun sighed and went back to eating his meal.
“Can you help us?” Mallac asked the Elf.
"Tell me what you want."
"I need your help..."
"You said that...
"I'm the chief of the guards, of the..."
"You said that too. If you don't stop annoying me and needlessly interrupting my meal, I'm going to feed you to my Unicorn."
"You have a unicorn too?"
Quaraun sighed again.
"Humans are such idiots,” he muttered. “Just tell me what you want."
"There have been murders..."
"And you are not a detective, yes I know, you already said all of that. But what do you expect me to do about it?"
"You're an Elf."
"Yes, we have established that."
"And a wizard."
"Yes. Of the Di'Jinn order, as I have already told you. You're not telling me anything I don't already know."
"So you are smarter then an average Elf."
"Of course, I am. I'm smarter then everyone. I'm the Grand High..."
"Un arrogant," Unicorn added.
"And you are a Necromancer, you can call up the dead and find out who killed them."
“I can what?”
“You can call up the dead and find out who killed them."
"Well, That's debatable, but we'll go with that for the moment, except you did not know that I was a wizard or Necromancer, when you first asked for my help. So what did you think I could do then?"
Just then two more Humans, entered the tavern.
"Have you found anything?" one asks Mallac.
"No, but there are three strangers, just arrived in town. They know nothing of the murders. They know no one in town. I thought, perhaps, because they have no connections, no bias, no motives, They could help us. They have nothing to hide, no reason to lie to us."
Two more men, entered the tavern and joined the other three. The five town guards exchanged updates on their progress, or lack there of, and then discussed Mallac's suggestion that Quaraun, Unicorn, and ZooLock help them.
"They are talking about us," Unicorn said to Quaraun.
"Every one always talks about us, Unicorn. You should be used to it by now."
"I does not like people talking about us."
"Calm down, Unicorn."
"I wants to eats them."
"We are not here to eat the villagers, Unicorn."
"They are annoying ya."
"We don't eat things that annoy us."
"Ya said I could eat things that annoyed ya."
"A lot of things annoy me."
"Ya ate yar father."
Quaraun glared at Unicorn.
"What? Ya did."
Quaraun sighed and went back to his meal.
Mallac came back to their table.
"Will you help us?"
“Solve a murder?”
"Do we have choice?"