BoomFuzzy's Chowder Dilemma

BoomFuzzy’s Chowder Dilemma

The Godforsaken City was a ruin of dripping steel and crumbling stone, a haphazard maze tangled in webs of rusted pipes and steaming vents. Once known as Boston, it had long since surrendered to entropy, rebuilt by desperate hands into a dystopian patchwork of crime and survival.

Rain hissed against cracked pavement, pooling in murky puddles that glistened under flickering neon signs.

King Gwallmaiic, Phookan Lich King of the UnSeelie Court, known to his friends as BoomFuzzy the Unicorn, had taken advantage of this cold, wet muggy, drizzle filled day to make his best warm, comforting clam chowder.

BoomFuzzy’s robin egg blue 1968 VW Bus hunkered against the gloom like a bright relic from some happier timeline. The food truck’s awning sagged beneath the persistent drizzle, and the chalkboard menu beside the serving window boasted Clam Chowder — Creamy, Hot, Best You’ll Ever Eat! in sprawling white letters.

BoomFuzzy leaned out the window, his long grey dreadlocks damp and dripping, tied neatly behind him with purple silk ribbons, his goggles fogged from the steamy interior.

A thick pot of chowder simmered behind him, filling the air with the rich, briny aroma of clams and cream. But despite the tantalising scent curling through the damp streets, the first customer of the day wanted only coffee.

“Coffee? Not soup?” BoomFuzzy asked, incredulous.

“Coffee,” the man insisted. He was gaunt, pale, and jittery, like most of the survivors who scuttled through The Godforsaken City.

“But I made soup.” BoomFuzzy’s voice dripped with disappointment. “Thick, creamy, hearty clam chowder. Warms yer belly. Soothes yer mind. Perfect for a miserable day like this.”

“I said coffee,” the man snapped, impatient. “Strong. Black.”

BoomFuzzy grumbled under his breath as he poured a scalding black cup from the ancient percolator.

“Customers always think they’re right,” he muttered, handing it over. “But they’re too bull-headed to know when they’re wrong.”

The man shuffled away, clutching his coffee like it was salvation.

No sooner had BoomFuzzy cleared the counter than a second customer arrived, dripping rainwater onto the slick pavement.

“Welcome!” BoomFuzzy greeted with forced cheer. “How about some hot, creamy chowder? Dug the clams meself from Silent Moor. Fresh as fresh gets. Cream fresh squeezed from the finest Faerie yaks, straight outta me enchanted pasture of the Noodle Beach BioDome — ”

The customer blinked at him.

“Just coffee.”

“No chowder?”

“Coffee.”

BoomFuzzy’s jaw tightened as he poured another cup, grumbling louder now.

“Humans. Damned bloody fucking Humans. No appreciation for fine Fae cuisine. Buncha uncultured louts, the lot of ya.”

The second customer hurried away without a backward glance.

Rain pattered against the pink and puce striped silk awning as BoomFuzzy wiped his hands on his apron, scowling into the mist. The third customer approached — a tall, broad-shouldered man with a hood pulled low over his face.

“I suppose ya want coffee too?” BoomFuzzy snapped before the man could speak.

“Yes.”

“No soup?”

“No. Coffee.”

BoomFuzzy slammed his hands on the counter.

“Coffee! Damned fucking coffee! I make the best damned chowder on this damned planet, and all ya bloody Humans want is coffee, coffee, coffee! Why do I even bother cookin’ hearty hot stew when no one wants any?”

The man took a cautious step back as BoomFuzzy stormed off to fetch another cup of coffee, his muttered curses blending with the rain.

Just then, GhoulSpawn, a Satyr-like Sheep Demon, loped up, his green velvet coat flapping around his cloven hooves. His golden fleece glimmered faintly even in the dreary light. He carried a bulging sack of scavenged goods slung over one shoulder.

“Hey, Fuzzy!” GhoulSpawn called cheerfully. “Smells amazing in here. Got any chowder left?”

BoomFuzzy’s scowl softened.

“Aye, for ya, Ghouly, always. On the house.”

As BoomFuzzy ladled a generous portion into a ceramic bowl, he continued griping.

“Humans don’t know good food if it bit ’em on the arse. No class. No taste. Just coffee drinkers, the lot of ‘em.”

“I love your cooking,” GhoulSpawn said through a mouthful of chowder. “Best chowder I’ve ever had.”

“Damn right it is! Fuckin’ Humans don’t know what they’re missing!”

Quaraun appeared beside them, his long pink robes trailing damply behind him. The ancient Moon Elf’s twelve foot long prehensile silver jellyfish hair gleamed in the rain, tentacles coiling restlessly.

“Find anything?” GhoulSpawn asked.

“No. I went through every single book they had. Not a thing.”

“Well, there’s more shops on the other side. We can check those when the rain let’s up.”

“Shops owned by Humans,” BoomFuzzy scowled.

“What are we complaining about today?” Quaraun asked as he sank onto a stool beside GhoulSpawn.

“Humans,” BoomFuzzy grumbled, handing Quaraun a bowl of chowder.

Quaraun’s delicate nose wrinkled.

“Uncultured savages. They never appreciate fine craftsmanship, be it food or silk.”

BoomFuzzy arched a brow.

“Ya don’t even know what I’m talkin’ about, do ya?”

“Does not matter,” Quaraun said, dipping his spoon into the chowder. “I am hungry, I hate Humans, and I will gladly join any conversation about how terrible they are, especially if I get to eat clam chowder while doing so.”

BoomFuzzy laughed, the sound warm and hearty despite the gloom.

“That’s me wee JellyElf. Always knowin’ what matters.”

The three of them sat together under the awning, sharing bowls of thick, creamy chowder as the rain drummed steadily around them. The world beyond was harsh and unforgiving, but for now, they had warmth, food, and each other.

And that was enough.

This story is published in:

• Three Wizards and a Food Truck

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Includes the following stories: Wishing For Lobster Rolls: A Lesson In Why One Never Makes Wishes In The Presence of Wizards The Food Truck's Warm Protective Embrace Absinthe Slushies: An Ode to Frozen Green Fairy Wine Sticky Rice, Bare Fingers, and Slippery Chopsticks Kiss Me FA: Just Another Day in the Ice-Laced Ruins of The GodForsaken City The Bridge of Doom Zwodder: A Drowsy Stupid State of Mind Head Cheese: A Story of Cauliflower, Cruelty, and Carnage Apple Tart and Stargazing Sheer Terror: Rotten Fruit The Candy Corn Cult Vendetta over Vittles Coleslaw To Go With the Lobster Rolls, of Course! BoomFuzzy's Chowder Dilemma Eels Beneath the Ice Why You Should Never Insult the JellyElf in a Street Market Blueberries and Bravado The Curse of the Cloaked Crustacean Dystopia, Doom, and Dark Romance with Custard Pastries in the Parking Lot Snowstorm Sabotage Sea Slugs and Clam Chowder Bread Bowls The Price of Generosity A Mess of Porridge Chocolate Bliss Springtime by the River Springtime by the River: Evening Stolen Midnight Magic Cracked Carnival The Apple Stall in 3 Perspectives Chocolate in the Neon Shadows Mint, Madness, and Motor Parts Spinning Dreams in Silk Quaraun & BoomFuzzy: The Ultimate Power Couple

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The Pink Necromancer, Moon Elf silk weaver & merchant: Quaraun on Noodle Beach. His master chef Phooka turned Lich husband: BoomFuzzy with his 1968 VW Bus Beach Noodle Food Truck. And their on again/off again mad scientist Sheep Demon lover: GhoulSpawn with his 1974 AMC Gremlin time machine. Time Travel setting swings back and forth between 40th century Maine after a comet hit the moon decimating the planet, and the 1970s, Maine. Quaraun in the main character, he and BoomFuzzy are a married gay couple. GhoulSpawn is their shared live-in lover. Art by Wendy Christine Allen.

BoomFuzzy King Gwallmaiic aka BoomFuzzy the Unicorn: Quaraun's husband, BoomFuzzy aka King Gwallmaiic, a Scottish Phooka, who is King of The UnSeelie Court. Quaraun is his court mage and advisor, as well as the only Elf in The UnSeelie Court. BoomFuzzy is a "classic fantasy type" Necromancer who uses sorcery to raise the dead. Being a Faerie he is also an illusionist and master of trickster magic. By profession, he is a Master Chef, owning the global monopoly on restaurants, taverns, pubs, and food trucks. Until his death, BoomFuzzy was regarded as the world's most powerful wizard. He is now a Lich. BoomFuzzy is also half-Human. His mother was a Mongolian/Chinese Human, which is why he wears distinctively Asian outfits, along with a great kilt worn as a cape. Known as BoomFuzzy the Unicorn, he often takes the form of a purple Unicorn. BoomFuzzy's exact age is unknown, though he was well over two thousand years old at the time of his death, and Quaraun resurrected him as a Lich around 500+ years ago, making him close to 3,000 years old. In his BlackBird form he is fifteen thousand years old. Art by Wendy Christine Allen

Quaraun Quaraun the Insane aka The Pink Necromancer: The F2M transgender Persian Moon Elf main character: The Pink Necromancer, Quaraun The Insane, with BoomFuzzy the Unicorn. F2M for those unaware = Quaraun was biologically born female, but transitioned to live as a male; this is why there are stories where Quaraun is sometimes pregnant, in spite of being male and using he/him male pronouns. Quaraun is a Necromancer by the actual dictionary definition of the word, meaning he is a psychic medium who sees and hears ghosts, and uses tarot, spirit boards, and seances to communicate with the dead. By profession he is a silk weaver/tailor/silk merchant. Quaraun is an Elder God JellyFish who takes the form of an Elf to blend in with society. His 12 foot long hair is made out of venomous, stinging jellyfish tentacles. Quaraun is BoomFuzzy's apprentice and regarded as the world's most powerful still living wizard. Quaraun's exact age is unknown, but he is somewhere around 750 years old. In his SunTa form he is twelve thousand years old. The Scared Pink JellyFish that lives in him, is stated to being over two million years old. Art by Wendy Christine Allen

Main characters: The Pink Necromancer, Quaraun (A Moon Elf) and his husband King Gwallmaiic aka BoomFuzzy aka The Elf Eater of Pepper Valley, Lich King of Fire Mountain (A Phooka/Faerie).

BoomFuzzy is King of The UnSeelie Court;

Quaraun is his Court Mage;

GhoulSpawn (not pictured) is Quaraun’s apprentice.

They are the world’s three most evil super villains, though they do not see themselves as evil. They own the world’s only functioning BioDome and thus hold the world’s monopoly on crops, food, livestock, and fabric, holding the Human population at their sadistic mercy.

These stories are told from their point of view.

 — — Art by Wendy Christine Allen

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