EelKat Wendy C Allen - Dark Fantasy Author

UPDATE March 17, 2021: Another death. Waiting for a coffin to be delivered. Funeral the 21st. Unlikely to be streaming for a few weeks.


Update: March 27, 2021: It's not even been a week since the funeral, and now there is another death and another funeral.


UPDATE April 5, 2021: There are still no streams, as, we've now a another (a 3rd) funeral to prepare for.

And that is now 3 deaths in our family, in the past 2 weeks.

This 3rd death hits hard, because it was Pippi.

Our family has now had 13 deaths since March 2020.

April 10, 2015, 12 children were kidnapped.

May 15, 2015, the heads of 10 of them were nailed to my door.

August 24, 2020, one was found still alive. he was just 4 years old when she was kidnapped, but she remembered us, even though 5 years had passed.

August 25, 2020, Pippi came home, but her condition was not well. She had been tortured the entirety of the 5 years she had been held hostage. She was missing limbs and covered with scars, had broken bones many years not set, and suffered serious damage to many of her internal organs. That she was alive at all, in her condition, was a miracle. Doctors had little hope of her survival and she was sent home with Hospice care.

Pippi had cancer in her eye and needed surgery for it, which she was scheduled to have, shortly before she was kidnapped.

In the years they had her, not only did they torture her, but her cancer went untreated and spread to her brain.

By the time she was returned to us, her cancer had reached an inoperable state, so we knew she did not have much time left.

Had her cancer been treated, back when she was a toddler, she probably would have reach adulthood.

She died only 8 months after her return.

Another child, to cry out from the grave, for Etiole's vengeance upon her murderers. Another victim of evil men, who will stoop to no ends, to bury the crimes they committed 50 years ago.  Drug lords. Opium growers. Heroine dealers. Selling little girls 4 to 8 years old for sex to priests. They only care about money.

All hail the mighty tourist ass. Millions come to Old Orchard Beach every year, for one thing and one thing only: heroine. They sell their drugs to the tourists under the pier and off the balconies of that giant motel. Than drag little girls to the bedrooms of the condominiums on Smithwheel Road, behind the school. And any child who dares open their mouth and beg for help, gets tossed in the GooseFare Brooke Ravine.

Bastard drug lords. They've been doing this for 50 years, and the town hall and the police department, turn a blind eye to it, because they get paid $6million a year to not report it to the newspapers, when the body of another child washes down the ravine, into the gulley to be spit out in the ocean. No fewer than 5 bodies are found every summer, but how often does it get in the news?

The corruption of this fucking town needs to end.

Yet another dead at the hands of these criminals who run our town.

How long will the residents continue to turn a blind eye to what is happening in our town.

How many more children will you let them kill, before you stand up to them?

Another child is dead and no one in this town cares. So long as they get their money from the tourists. The blood of another murdered child screams from the graves, begging for justice. Tick tock, tick tock, so begins, yet another of Etiole's 7 year clocks.

This is why there were no/to few streams from May 2020 until now.

May 2020, after 4 years of not hearing from them at all, the FBI returned with a lead, which led to Pip's discovery a few weeks later in August.

Because of the nature of the situation, I could not talk about it, to tell you why streams had stopped.

The kidnappers, were enraged that we had recovered Pip, and that is when the attacks started up again on my home and family September 2020.

Pip's condition continued to grow worse, and she died April 5, 2021.

She was only 10 years old.

This is what it means, to not be white in America.

White men, won't even give a child the chance to grow up.

This is what white people do, to none white families like mine.

We are Gypsies with Jewish blood, for that alone we are hunted like animals.

What the men of Old Orchard Beach, Maine, did to my family, will never be forgotten or forgiven.

#If you have any information on the kidnappers or the murders...

#FBI Agent Andy Drewer out of the Portland, Maine FBI office is in charge of the of the April 10, 2015 kidnapping of my 12 children by 14 Ku Klux Klan men who invaded our home and the subsequent May 15, 2015 murder of 10 of the 12 whom had their heads nailed to my front door. If you have information about the case, give it to him not me. He can be reached @ +1-(207)-774-9322 

Have you forgot the extent of the damage these people did, all because, they wanted to dig up my land and removed bodies buried there, before my house builders found that barrel of bones?

Have you forgotten that 7 town hall workers, 5 public works men, a blond woman, her bald son, and her red haired sister Kendra, and 14 police officers, all lead by a man they referred to as "Mark who needs no last name" were the ones 

I name every one of them, except for the ring leaders: blond woman, her bald son, her sister Kendra, and her husband "Mark who needs no last name". I don't know who those 4 are. I'd never seen any of them, other than the Kendra woman before, and I only knew her fro her attacks beating me up at Panera in 2009, 2010, and 2013.

I can name every one of the others, because all I have to do is go to the Old Orchard Beach town hall and police department website, and their are their faces.

With the exception of blond woman, her bald son, her sister Kendra, and her husband "Mark who needs no last name", every one else involved was government official who works for the state of Maine vis the Old Orchard Beach Town Hall, the Old Orchard Beach Police Department, or the Old Orchard Beach Public Works.

And what exactly did they do?

August 8, 2013 they drove a backhoe over my house. That same backhoe drove over my previous house on the same land April 2007. That same backhoe drove over my poultry barn and horse stables July 2001. July 2001 was the first attack.

March 2015 was the the massive attack, with an entire fleet of trucks, and drove over the Church of the Holy Rhinstone, a church that stood on my land, my garage which is why I no longer have a garage to put my car in, my 2 sheds both of which had my tractors and other garden/crop machinery in them at the time. And of course the razing of the land, the cutting down of the apple orchard - the VERY apple orchard planted in 1530 that this town was named after... he actual "old orchard" of Old Orchard Beach... the very original trees - huge massive apple trees over 400 years old. The grape vineyards, the cherry trees, the pears trees. 

April 10, 2015, they returned, 4 police officer held me a gun point, while 10 other police officers held my children down with long poles with metal wire strangle loops on the end, and beat their faces in with cinder block bricks, knocking out every one of their teeth, breaking their jaws... POLICE OFFICERS DID THAT... while men they referred to as "Mark who needs no last name" and "Dan" stood there and told the police officers what to do, how to beat them, while "Mark who needs no last name" boldly bragged that he paid the Old Orchard Beach police $6million dollars to do this.

May 15, 2015... the heads, hands, feet, and intestines of my children were nailed to my door. Later that same day police officer W. W. came to my home begging for forgiveness and claimed that men he referred to only as "Mark and Dan" were holding his beloved mother-in-law hostage and torturing her, and he helped in the April 10, 2015 attack, only to save her life and get her back. He claimed he had no prior knowledge of what was going to happen, claiming that he'd been told they were only going to "scare" us. He said he had not expected anyone to get hurt, he had not known my children would be tortured and kidnapped, he had not known they were going to be murdered. He said he was scared for his life and lives of his family. And he said: "They form a small army, our department doesn't have enough man power to stop them, and every one in this town is too scared to fight back. You don't know what's going on. And I think they mixed you up with someone else. They didn't know you were the owner of this land. They didn't know that was your motorhome. They thought someone else owned this place. It wasn't even your family they were after. You were the wrong target. You don't know who these people are. What they've done to our families. This is the actual Mafia. The real deal. I'm so sorry. This is the address they sent us to. But they had a different name as the owner. This wasn't supposed to happen. They were after someone else. I'm so sorry. I couldn't let my family died. And now yours is dead instead. This wasn't supposed to happen."

June 19, 2016... I did a very specific livestream. You see... A., D., B., and T. in the 1970s and 1980s, were in the habit of dragging big black trash bags into the forest, crossing my land to do it, and dumping those bags into the Goosefare Brook Ravine. In 1983, 3 snuck into Etiole's swamp and planted 3 acres of Marijuana. Someone found it and called the police, I don't know who... it was Maine's largest drug raid for decades. Many, many millions in plants where dug up and removed from Etiole's swamp. A few weeks later A, & D,s 10 year old daughter ran into my yard, touched my car on a dare from other children - the 1964 Dodge 330 former Old Orchard Beach police car, known by Stephen King fans as the REAL Christine, The World's Most Haunted Car... than jumped her bike, and sped down the road, as fast as she could, head on into a car coming the other way. She died instantly, he brain shattered all over the end of my driveway, and her mother A responded by the Battle of 458 - the biggest mass shooting ever in Maine history, that ended up with 3 Gypsy clans and 2 police departments, in a shoot out between 70+ adults all armed with guns. One of my cousins, an 8 year old boy, standing 3 feet from me, had his eye shot out by one of the bullets. While A ran around the street screaming: "FOUR! FIVE! EIGHT!" than shot another child. 

"FOUR! FIVE! EIGHT!" than shoot another child. 

"FOUR! FIVE! EIGHT!" than shoot another child. 

THOSE are the 31 children, whose bones were sawed up and tossed into the GooseFare Brook Ravine... yes, that DOES mean, police officers KNEW those children were there and covered it up.  And I witnessed that entire event.

And THAT is WHY... when police officers murdered my family in 2015, I did a livestream, walking to the ravine, to show the world, where those bones were... because I'm sick and tired of the police corruption in this fucking town, and those sawed up bones of 31 children are PROOF of what this town government is like.... as are the heads of my children that were nailed to my door.

At the end of The Battle of 4-5-8... A. took 2 gas cans and poured them all over the big dome house, than set a match to it, and no one knew, why when she did her brother B., started running, jumped in his robin egg blue truck and backed down the driveway, hit Portland Ave doing 70 and didn't stop driving until the high speed chase caught him in CT... oh but we knew before he was out of sight, why he started running... the dome house went up like Hiroshima into a mushroom cloud that could be seen across the entire state... turns out there was a Meth lab in that house.

June 19, 2016... the livestream of the bones went viral, it's what made my YouTube channel suddenly explode overnight... and police officer W.W. upset, by the fact that, the livestream included the entire police call and response, and that response was to laugh and do nothing... fed up with the corruption in his department, he forwarded that livestream VOD to the FBI, and the FBI arrived in Old Orchard Beach, to dig up the Reclaim Blueberry Plains, and all hell broke lose in this town, as most of the police officers suddenly found themselves arrested. An entire new police force from out of state was brought in to replace the long time officers who had proven they could be trusted to uphold the law. Many town hall officials and public works employees also found themselves arrested by the FBI.

June 26, 2016... barely a week later... the blond woman and the red haired Kendra woman showed up at my workplace, Scarborough WalMart, and tried to kill me, yet again... these are the same 2 woman who attacked me with golf clubs at Southern Maine Community College November 14, 2013... they left dead in 2013, I was paralized for 5 months. It took me 18 months to relearn to walk. I was out of the wheel chair, and I was without a walker, I was without a cane. I had almost fully covered from their November 14, 2013 attack with golf clubs... June 26, 2016, this time they attacked with shopping carts, and I'm now crippled for the rest of my life. They shattered 3 vertebra this time and it can't be operated on. I had to relearn to walk a second time, and I'm not yet recovered now in 2021. In 2013 they drove away in the 4 door white pickup truck. In 2016 they drove away in a gold Volvo SUV station wagon.

That blond woman and her red haired Kendra sister, they are wanted by the FBI for attempted murder of me and they are also wanted in questioning for being suspected of also being the murderers of my children.

I don't know who these 2 women are.

The blond woman shows up my driveway frequently, screaming and yelling, sometime accompanied by a small child, about 5 years old, that she pulls behind her in a red radio flyer wagon. She looks to be about 60 or 70. She often wears a denim button down shirt and jeans. She's prone to yelling at passing cars, while pointing up my driveway, and saying: "There's EelKat, she tried to kill my husband."

I've never tried to kill anyone, so accusation is baffling at best.

She seems to think I know who she is, and has made the claim, that "I was that brat in school"... the red haired Kendra woman, sometimes with her, claims to be her sister, also appears to be 60 to 70 and also seems to think I know who she is, and frequently says: "You bullied me in school, but no more, I'm Kendra SilverMander it's my turn to shine."

They BOTH make the claim they went to school with me, and yet, I never went to school, a well documented fact... because I'm the child the FBI rescued what the news media called "Maine's House of Horrors". I was locked in a cage when I was 8 years old. I was let out on Sundays, to go to church, and not allowed to speak or make eye contact with anyone, and this was only done infrequently, whenever church goers asked what happened to that girl you had". I was 31 years old when the FBI arrived, because of Heaven's Gate having killed 39 people, and my uncle being one of the members and self proclaiming himself as the leader of Heaven's Gate after Applewhite's death. The FBI was investigating the murder of 39 people in California, and had no idea they'd find children in cages in Maine as a result.

So you see, when the blond woman and her Kendra sister, make the claim they went to school with me and I was the class bully who beat them up, this is easily proven false, because the time period when I should have been in school, I was locked in a cage, being tortured by my sadistic uncle Bruce.

Also, they are in their late 60s to mid 70s... making them older than my parents, so how could I have been in school with them, even if I had gone to school? At best I would have been starting pre-school the year they would have been graduating high school.

These things they say about school, only further agrees with what police officer W. W. said May 15, 2015, when he made the claim, they had gotten me mixed up with someone else.

July 2016, a month after the shopping cart attack... yet another Old Orchard Beach police officer arrived, this one accompanied by 2 Biddeford officers, who had been former OOB officers... these 3 officers, had a vastly eye opening story to tell me.

They had been called to Old Orchard Beach, to my farm, to arrest me, a call made to them, by a man named Mark, whom one of these officers, claimed was his brother in law. This Biddeford officer, said he requested to transfer ot of Old Orchard Beach department years ago, because his sister (whom he claimed he suspected, but could not prove was the blond woman whom had attacked me at WalMart) was quote "trying to control the town" he said "treats Old Orchard Beach like a dynasty, thinks she's a duchess, has severe mental disorders, and thought she could buy the police department". He went on to say, she got in with the real Mafia years ago and went to her head, and now she thinks she IS the Mafia and most of Old Orchard Beach's business owners, especially the motel owners are scared shitless of her, because they believe her claim to be Mafia. He went on to say, she's not Mafia, but she's good at convincing people she is and stated "I wouldn't murder beyond her. She'd do it just to prove she is Mafia." He said he transferred out of OOB department to Biddeford department because he was fed up with how easy it was for her to get every officer to do anything she asked. He said "the corruption in that department runs deep; don't cross her or any officer she controls; they WILL kill you and every around you. You don't know who her husband is. He doesn't just control that town, he controls half the state."

What he was telling me was bizarre on extremes, but even more bizarre was the live feed radio call, that he had me listen too, as it was happening, on my farm in Old Orchard, while I was at my dad's house in Biddeford.

He said: "The Old Orchard Department called me, asked me to come over here. Buddy Will wanted to prove you were not in Old Orchard and that Mark has you mixed up with someone else. That fucking bastard is crying wolf and trying to frame you, we can prove it right now. We are fucking fed up WolfBoy."

He turned on his radio, so I could hear. A what I heard... a man whose voice I do not recognize, yelling at a Officer W.W. and saying: 

"That is Wendy, arrest her now! That is EelKat. She tried to kill me."

While officer W.W. and another officer, told the man: "his isn't Wendy. We have officers with her right now. Who tried to kill you? Wendy? Or THIS woman right here?"

"This woman right here! This is EelKat I tell you! Arrest her! What do you think I pay you for! You aren't allow to defy me! I own this town! You are my slaves. I command you to arrest her!"

W.W.: "This isn't EelKat. This isn't Wendy. I've known her for years. And right now, she's on the other side of the state. With 3 officers, listening to you right now. You are NOT the law. We've had it with you. You don't own me. And you've mixed her up with someone else. You've been harassing the wrong damned person. You dare call us about Wendy ever again, and I will personally arrest you for false reports, than I'll tell them everything. You'll never see the outside a prison for the rest of your life when I get done with you. You fucking leave this woman alone. You destroyed her life, because you couldn't tell her apart from someone else."

I used to aqua jog, mountain climb, horseback riding, and I hiked 13 miles a day. And in the blink of an eye, that lifestyle was taken away, and every day was struggle, just to sit up and breath, with no hope of ever walking again. I defied doctors. It's been 8 years and I can move around the house by holding on to things and I now can walk again, at the moment only short distances outside with a cane, and the hope is to continue to improve. I still have a long road of recovery ahead. But I'm walking again, something that 8 years ago, doctors said would never happen. 

My farm was razed.

My family was murdered.

I was 5 months paralysed, and had to relearn to walk. It was 8 years ago and I'm not yet fully recovered due to 3 inoperable vertebrae and hip dysplasia. November 14, 2013, 10PM, at WalMart, while putting bags of groceries in the back seat of my car, I was attacked by 3 rapists armed with metal golf clubs, who left me parallelized, in a wheel chair, broken spine, broken hip, broken pelvis, broken knees, serve nerve damage to my left side limiting the use of my left hand, my bladder incontinent from nerve damage, they left me for dead, and I had doctors telling me I would never walk again.

There's more that has happened. A lot more. The thousands of gallons of sewage they pumped into my motorhome in 2015. The cats. the Ptarmagin cats. World famous groups of cats. You remember them. If so, you remember what these people did to those cats. Poisoned. All dead the same day. 12 cats. Dead to what the vet described as: "enough poison to kill a great dane". My horse, she had her head beat in with a rock. My bantam roosters... 70 pet roosters, hung by their necks in rope nooses in my rose bushes.

All because this man, this mystery Mark, whose last name seems to be known to the police but is still unknown to me and man whom I've never seen or met - he keeps his face covered whenever he shows up... mistook me for someone else... and police officers and town hall workers and public work employees.

Welcome to Old Orchard Beach... this is NOT the way life should be, you know it.

What these people did to me, should never have happened, and according to the police, it's been happening for 50+ years to hundreds of people, hundreds of families, in this town, and every one is too scare to talk about it or fight back to stop it. That NEEDS to change.

The corruption in our town, needs to stop... but it won't end, until every last person who is being harassed by these people stand up, put their foot down, and say enough is enough, we ain't gonna take this any more.

We the people of Old Orchard Beach need to take back our town.

NOTE: Chat is set to emote only on my Twitch channel and my personal contact information has been removed from my website and every place else, due to the HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of false reports of "information", along with vile hateful memes about the murder of my family being sent to me by trolls who think mocking the murder of my family is funny.

FBI Agent Andy Drewer out of the Portland, Maine FBI office is in charge of the of the April 10, 2015 kidnapping of my 12 children by 14 Ku Klux Klan men who invaded our home and the subsequent May 15, 2015 murder of 10 of the 12 whom had their heads nailed to my front door. If you have information about the case, give it to him not me. He can be reached @ +1-(207)-774-9322 

If you could recommend I watch one VOD that best represented your channel, which would it be?

This one....

The Princess Bride predicting Covid-19?

Avallac'h's a Good Tutor?
Of What? How to Better Bed Kings?


Please be aware that nearly every page on this website contains spoilers to something. I talk about a lot of fandoms, and go into great detail analyzing them when I do. If I am talking about The Witcher series, InuYasha, Disney Ducks, the Quaraun series, or any other fandom, you WILL encounter spoilers about it. 

How to write a Fantasy novel with Elves and Wizards that is not Lord of the Rings

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How can I write fantasy novel with elves and wizards that's not LOTR?

Uhm...if you wrote it, why would it be Lord of the Rings? You planning on plagiarizing it or something? I find your question somewhat confusing and baffling.

Are you afraid that you'll be tempted to write the same story, because you read Lord of the Rings and it is your favorite book?

You are not clear with your details. In fact, you've given no details at all, so I've really nothing to go on. You've given me one sentence with errors.

Why can't you just think of a story and write it? Why does it have to be anything other than your own creation?

You know, it's very much annoying me that you don't know to capitalize races. The words Elf, Elfs, Elves, Elflings, and Elvish should always be capitalized.

You also did not capitalize your genre, and you used abbreviations and you used a contraction in non-dialogue. Quite a few errors for just one sentence.

We as writers make mistakes, sure, but we should at least have a basic grasp on Grammar rules, enough to write a single sentence.

You are worrying about writing a novel that'll get mistaken for someone else's novel, but you don't even have a basic grasp on Grammar rules. There are four grammar rules you've ignored in your question, and that's just one sentence. If you have this much trouble with one sentence, how will you write a novel to begin with.

Harsh, yes, but, it shows that you've yet to sit down and write ANYTHING.

You have no practice in the art of writing, you have no knowledge of how to write, and you are already jumping ahead and worrying about writing a story similar to someone else's.

You have plenty of years to worry about that. Get some writing practice in first. Learn Grammar. Figure out the basics of storytelling. Then you can focus on writing your story, and then in 3 or 4 years, AFTER you've learned grammar, written a book, and edited and revised it a few times, THEN you can start worrying about your novel vs someone else's novel.

Horse before the cart and all that, you know?

But let's answer your question directly.

Uhm... you want to write a Fantasy novel.

You want to include Elves.

And you want to include Wizards.

You are afraid it'll be too much like Lord of the Rings.

Though I'm not sure why.

And you asked me.


Why did you ask me specifically? Because I write Elves and wizards who are nothing like LOTRs?

Is it because I write Fantasy? About Elves? And Wizards? But it's not like Lord of the Rings?

I write Fantasy.

I write Elves.

I write Wizards.

But I suppose the real question here is, is what I write like Lord of the Rings?

I don't know, let's find out...

Let's go and take a look at what it is I write...

It's about a transvestite wizard Elf who dresses like a female Liberace and whose primary lover is a purple Unicorn and secondary lover is a half-Elf/half-Demon who from the waist up looks like an Elf, but he keeps his legs and feet hidden because he has the legs and hooves of a Cotswold sheep, with long silkie white wool.

They are three Wizards.

One an Elf.

One a Faerie Horse.

One a half-Elf/half-Demon.

All three of them are horny as fuck, and spend an inordinate amount of time interrupting the plot by stopping to fuck each other.

 “I don't think this is a good idea,” Quaraun whispered shakily.


Unicorn. He'll kill us both if he found out. He's so violent. You don't know him. You don't know what he's like. You don't know his temper or how possessive he is of me.”

Sometimes, it's good to live dangerously,” GhoulSpawn said as he shook Quaraun's hand off and began removing his own clothes.


Shhhh,” GhoulSpawn hushed and leaned forward to kiss Quaraun softly over his open mouth, preventing any further objections from being spoken.

Quaraun felt the thick curly wool of GhoulSpawn's legs, brush against him. Quaraun forced GhoulSpawn off him.

"You're a sheep!"

"You knew that."

"Uhm... I... wow... I don't think I realized what that... oh my god. You're an actual sheep! You've never let me see you're legs before. I suppose this goes a long way towards explaining your sheep rescuing fetish."

Quaraun stared at GhoulSpawn, awed by what he saw. He had known GhoulSpawn was a Uruisg, and thus only looked like an Elf from the waist up and from the waist down was very clearly a Cotswold ram. Thick eight to twelve inch long curls of fluffy ivory white wool covered GhoulSpawn's hips and legs. His legs were not shaped like a man's, but instead had the deep curves of sheep legs. GhoulSpawn had no feet. Where there should have been feet, there were a pair of glossy black sheep hooves.

Can I touch your fur?”


It is so soft.”

Are you any specific type of sheep?”


Your fleece is beautiful.”

GhoulSpawn’s fleece hung in locks, and the fibres had a lustrous, silky sheen and a slightly golden coloured wool. Quaraun’s hand wandered from petting the long curls, of GhoulSpawn’s legs, to stroking the short tight curls on his scrotum.

"Your balls are huge."

"Yeah. I'm a sheep from the waist down."

"You have the testicles of a ram."


"I can see why women like you. Balls like that must swing quite a bit when you're fucking someone."

"It's easy for you to find out."

"You want to fuck me."

"Very much."

~From "GhoulSpawn and The Lich Lord's Lover" (Volume 22 of The Quaraun Series)

 “I hate women.”

Really? Wouldn't know it to look at you.”

I resent that.”

Why? It's the truth. You hate women, but you spend all your time trying to be one.”

I am not trying to...”

You're wearing a dress, Quaraun. A pink, beaded, embroidered, silk saree. And you paint your lips and your eye lids, and you have feathers glued to your eyelashes, and your hair is longer then Lady Godiva's. And pink, Quaraun. Did I mention pink? Pink. Look at you. You’re... pink!”

I like pink.”

You have pink feathers glued to your eyelashes.”

What is wrong with that?”

Your dress and lips are pinker then my hair is yellow. And Unicorn's right about those ridiculous earrings.”

What is wrong with my earrings?”

You look like a female earring merchant! Quaraun, your ears are foot tall over your head, and there isn't one space that isn't pierced, all the way from the bottom to the top. Have you looked at your ears in a mirror.”

Are ya kidding? Him do never stop look in mirror,” Unicorn stated.

That's true. He's right, we can't get you away from mirrors...”

I am beautiful,” Quaraun said as he pulled out a silver mirror to look at himself with.

And what you look like is all you care about. You don’t care about anything else.”

I am the most beautiful creature on the planet.”

We know, Quaraun. Every one knows. You are the most beautiful thing on the planet. We know. We don't need you to remind us. Quaraun, what would you do if something happened to your face?”

Him would become hermit un never let any one look at him.”

That’s true. Unicorn’s right. You would.”

Apologize,” Quaraun demanded.

For what?”

For insulting me.”


I am your king.”





King? King? Ha ha! King! You! Ha ha! Ooooooh that's hilarious. You a king! Woo hoo! Ha ha! King! Ho heh ha ha ha!”

GhoulSpawn was suddenly laughing uncontrollably. Unicorn, knowing Quaraun's temper was about to flare up, tried very hard to resit laughing with the Sun Elf, but he wasn't very successful in the endeavour.

Stop encouraging him,” Quaraun growled at the Phooka.

I can'na helps it. Him be right. Ya looks nothing like king. Queen, maybe, but king? No!”

You can't be a king,” GhoulSpawn said between laughter and tears. “You're too busy being a very shallow, quintessential, ditsy, damsel in distress, pink Princess without anything important to do but look pretty all day long. We should give you a mirror, lock you in a tower and rename you Rapunzel, your hair's long enough.”

GhoulSpawn continued laughing and was nearly to the point of falling over.

Quaraun glared at the half-Elf then spun around and snarled at the Human girl the three of them had been ignoring since her arrival.

What do you want?”

~From "GhoulSpawn and The Lich Lord's Lover" (Volume 22 of The Quaraun Series)

They live in a Steampunk style universe set mostly in the 900s and 1400s and 1970s and the year 2525, in Maine & Quebec, where there exists portals to castles in Scotland, portals to the past (such as Ancient Egypt and Persia) portals to the future (such as the time they went head to head against 1920s rum running gangsters) and some portals zip them across the galaxy where they meet Lovecraft inspired squid headed aliens.

They frequently find themselves in a White Rock's insane asylum in the year 2525, when the world is on the brink of self destruction as the moon come hurtling towards the Earth.

They sometimes travel with a half-Dwarf/half-Troll and sometimes with a Vampire Leprechaun, and sometimes with green skinned, pink haired Flower Gnomes.

Several times they visit the North Pole to make attempts at rescuing the enslaved Cookie Elves from the sweat shop slave factories of the evil red robed Leprechaun Santa Claus who obsessively gives shoes to children and his blood thirsty Phookan partner Krumpas who obsessively eats children.

The creature races include Phookas, FarDarrings, EachUsty, Ghuillie Dhu, Tweegs, and other creatures from Scottish mythology. They fly around the world on a purple pirate ship named The-Rent-A-Prize, Captained by a Gnome named Quirk with his first officer Schlock, and a parrot named Dr Macaw. Some of the villains fly around in Zeppelins. Other villains ride in on ice powered stealth ships and shot 1960s style ray guns.

Humans are always evil, and in spite of it being the 1400s are armed with 20th century guns. In this version of Maine & Quebec, taverns and wild west saloons can be found in every city, yes, Maine & Quebec are teaming with cities in this alternate version of the 1400s Earth.

And the most feared Necromancer on the planet is scared of dead things and faints at the sight of blood and has a fetish for being tied to trees and BDSM tortured by Unicorns.

The Universe is ruled by talking cats, who are trying to find The Grand High Emperor of the Triple Planets, who is a Pink Necromancer who long ago was murdered by a tiny pink jelly fish from outer space that ate his brain and now lives in his head and controls his body.

The cats are being hunted by 8 foot tall bird men from Planet Ptarmagin, who live in gold plated palaces on top of floating islands, and toss their victims to the surface below, into the mushroom forest when mushrooms grow 100 feet tall and the deadliest thing you'll meet are man eating fuzzy caterpillars 30 feet long and cute fluffy, fuzzy wuzzy, blood sucking bunny rabbits.

Does that sound like Lord of the Rings to you?

I don't know.

Do you want to know why I don't know?

I have never read Lord of the Rings.



I know.

So, I have no idea if the Fantasy I write is anything like Lord of the Rings or not, seeing how I don't know what Lord of the Rings is.

I am however a Dungeons and Dragons Dungeon Master who ran a SpellJammer session for well over a decade and kept detailed game session notes of every game and later used those notes to create the novels of the series mentioned above.

And there you have it: how I wrote an entire series of Fantasy novels that is NOT Lord of the Rings and yet, still has Elves and wizards in it.

The thing of it is, if you want to write a story, just do it. Just sit your ass down and write.

Create characters.

Build a world for them to live in.

Then write stories about their lives.

That's all you have to do.

Sitting around worrying that you are writing too much like this or that author, is nothing but you being lazy. It's you sitting around thinking up reasons NOT to write. It's you procrastinating. It's you not writing.

There comes a time when you eventually have to stop lazing your ass around, coming up with excuses why you shouldn't write.

The difference between you and all the published authors in the world is simple: they sat down and wrote a book, while you sat down and cam up with excuses why to not write a book.

And a year later we have an update...

Well, the above article, rant, or whatever you want to call it was written a year ago. Today is January 27, 2018 and over on Reddit I have found this same question asked differently, so I'm gonna update this page and add this to the end of it seeing how it fits and is more or less the same topic.

>>When writing in a medieval/fantasy setting, how appropriate is it to use the same terms George R. R. Martin uses so famously in his books?

Heads to Google to find out who he is.


Aha. Game of Thrones. Never read it. From what I've heard, it sounds incredibly boring. I've no interest in political intrigue or war.

>>Words like nuncle, your grace, mayhaps, name day, etc.

These are actual words from Medieval times. If he's using them in his work, I applaud him for his devotion to historical accuracy. It's rarely seen in Fantasy works. I wish more authors had that kind of initiative.

>>But every time I want to describe a garment as roughspun, or boiled leather, or say someone is wearing a leather jerkin or a tunic, I can’t help but feel like a fraud.


I have a degree in Fashion History. I focused on 1300s to 1500s. These words were a part of everyday life. Again, if he's using them in his work, I applaud him for his devotion to historical accuracy. It's rarely seen in Fantasy works. I wish more authors had that kind of initiative.

>>How to Not Emulate GRRM?

Well, not having read his books. I don't know.

But reading your description, it sounds to me like he's a history buff and put a lot of work and effort into researching the real world language and names of real world items from Medieval times.

Now, if YOU are ONLY using the EXACT same words he used... well, yeah, you are copying him. Which is not necessarily a bad thing, until you start using words that he DID create, without realizing you are doing so because you yourself didn't do enough research to know which words are real and which he made up.

And what happens when he is using a real life word, but NOT using it in a real life meaning? And then YOU use it the same way he did?

The simple solution here is to do your research. Fall in love with the history of the era you want to write about a research everything you can about it. Maybe consider getting a degree in it. That's what I did. It's actually not uncommon for authors to get history degrees that focus on the time period they plan to write about. Lots of authors do it.

If you are using the term boiled leather... have you considered the limited access people had to it? And how expensive it was? Or how difficult it is to make? Those things are important. Consider the blunder you make when you have a peasant or serf wearing it. Sumptuary laws prevented certain classes from wearing certain items. Readers WILL notice.

If you are going to use niche words from historical eras, you would do best to choose those words based off actual research of how those words were used, rather then just randomly using the words you saw some other author use. Just think how you'll feel if you use a word the way some other author did only to find out later that author was using the word wrong?

>>Particular expressions and terminology like mummer's farceser and anything else that is deeply ingrained into the culture of his world but still unique to it are things you'd want to avoid, as well as anything very particular to Martin's voice.

>>mummer's farce

not sure how he is using it, but mummer was a real drug used in Medieval times and mummer's farce means "to have a hallucination" ; I used both terms in one of my books published in 1987; so it's not unique to him either, unless he's using it somehow that is dramatically different.

mummer continued to be used into the 1920s

mummer is made by taking an Egyptian mummy (thus the name) and grinding it into a powder, then snuffing it up your nose; it caused LSD like hallucinations, because a fungus that is found in mummies

mummer is the reason tombs in Egypt were grave robed so heavily from Medieval era into the 1930s

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