The Princess Bride predicting Covid-19?
EXTREME SPOILER WARNING!
Please be aware that nearly every page on this website contains spoilers to something. I talk about a lot of fandoms, and go into great detail analyzing them when I do. If I am talking about The Witcher series, InuYasha, Disney Ducks, the Quaraun series, or any other fandom, you WILL encounter spoilers about it.
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Where's the action?
There is none. Wait...what? No action in Sword & Sorcery? Yep. This is Sword & Sorcery without a single action scene.
Quaraun is a classic Norse style nature guardian Elf (svartálfar, dökkálfar and ljósálfar – Quaraun being ljósálfar), not a modern day Tolkien-style arrow shooting, Middle Earth warrior Elf. If you are unfamiliar with Norse ljósálfar, and how they differ from Middle Earth Elves, than you may find Quaraun to seem vastly “un-Elf-like” if your only knowledge of Elves is the Middle Earth types.
As in Norse mythology, there exist 3 types or classes of Elves in the Quaraun series:
High Elves aka Light Elves aka Angels (ljósálfar)
High Elves are inherently good and even Fallen ones (like Quaraun) are incapable to being evil. They are governed by the celestial energies (Sun, Moon, Stars, Clouds, Rain, etc) and have more powers over life and nature, then other types of Elves. They are nearly immortal and able to draw on their own life source to restore life to the dead and heal the sick, with nothing more then a touch of their hands. Rarely sleeping, instead going into a trance-like state, they are also able to heal themselves of wounds that would kill a Human.
High Elves refuse to take life and become known as Fallen Elves if they have committed murder. The High Elves live in communities governed by their “careers”, with Spring Elves being the ones who melt snow, wake up flowers, and put leaves on trees each Spring. Summer Elves bringing the Sun's warmth closer to Earth. Winter Elves freezing the ground and bringing snow. Moon Elves like Quaraun govern the moon, having power over hurricanes, tides, and moon phases.
High Elves live disconnected from the Earth, only visiting it when their intervention is needed.
Common Elves aka Silver or Grey Elves aka Faerie (svartálfar)
Similar to High Elves, Common Elves and Fae possess mystical connections to the world around them, but are not as powerful. While they can heal the sick, they often are unable to raise the dead without use of ritual magic. They are the farmers and gathers who keep forests growing and fields filled with flowers. They live on the Earth, toiling daily to keep nature in balance.
Lower Elves aka Dark Elves aka Deamons (dökkálfar)
While still having god-like powers over the world around them, Dark Elves and Demons are the least powerful of the Elves. They live in underground caverns and are prone to using blood rituals to increase their powers. They often view lesser beings (especially Humans) as nothing more then expendable tools. While the High Elves and Common Elves help to bring light and order to the world, the Dark Elves bring Chaos, pain, sickness, death, and suffering.
Quaraun is a ljósálfar which is the equivalent of an immortal long haired, peace loving hippie. He wants everyone to be alive and happy and bubbling with life and light (even if they are already dead.) Quaraun believes love conquers all and world peace is possible (though he blames the Humans and their technology for most of the fighting in the world and thus considers Humans to be parasites that are hell bent of destroying the Earth). Quaraun is a nature guardian type of Elf who when sober enough to think straight, takes his job of protecting plants and animals (especially from Humans) very seriously.
When not depressed and sulking in dark shadows of taverns drowning his sorrows in poppy milk, Quaraun is filling taverns with vases of flowers, sewing hearts on pink silk, redecorating taverns into frilly pink happiness, and putting potted plants and window boxes of pink flowers on every house he walks past.
The primary purpose of Quaraun's wand, is to fill fields with flowers, and put blossoms on tree branches. If someone is fighting, he's gonna turn their swords into pink flower bouquets, then tell them to hug and make up. If you are looking for sword fights and battling monsters, you've come to the wrong place. This is written as a very slow moving, Slice of Life Literary story. It is Literary Fiction set to a Dark Fantasy setting.
Yes, I know, it's insane to have a Necromancer who refuses to kill people and resurrects turkey dinners so vampire turkeys can roam free and is too busy dancing around in pink dresses to have time to help his fellow comrades fight dragons.
Yes. I know, sword & sorcery is supposed to be sword fights and wizards casting epic spells. But let's face it, life can't be one epic battle after another and wizards have to stop casting spells and relax at the local tavern sometime. Yes, battles are mentioned, no you never see them on page. This is the “behind the scenes” look at the life of a wizard, when he's just living his life and trying to relax in local taverns.
Yes. I know, it's never been done before, but that why I did it. I LOVE Slice of Life Literary Fiction. It is my favourite genre to read. I also LOVE Fantasy fiction. I wanted to read stories about Epic Fantasy characters which told what their lives were like between the action and when not questing. I could not find any Literary Slice of Life Fantasy Fiction out there and thus why I took up writing this series. I figured if I couldn't find the thing I wanted to read, then the only thing left to do was to write the stories I wanted to read and so I did and this series is the result.
There is not a lot of plot moving these stories forward, so no sword clashing action goes on between these pages. These stories are driven by characters, emotions, inner turmoil, and monologue interrupted by sex scenes.
This entire series is Slice of Life Vignette Literary Fiction, meaning there's a lot of dialogue, a lot of talking, a lot of thinking, a lot of monologue, and a lot of emotional introspective, but not much action going on in this heavily character driven series. Each story is a narrow focused look at a single event (often a single day or hour) in Quaraun's life.
Please note, this site is the Home Site for The Adventures of The Pink Necromancer aka The Quaraun Series.
The Quaraun series is a set of 2,000 short stories and 130 Fantasy novels about a suicidal, drug addicted, serial killing, transvestite wizard.
Due to the content of the books, you must be 18 or older to buy them and they are sold under M18+ ratings in countries that require book ratings on the cover.
These morbid novels do not have happy endings, and main character Quaraun's depression, suicidal nature, and drug use gets worse as the series progresses. If you are looking for cheerful, happy stories, these novels are not for you.
Most pages on EelKat.com are either sample chapters from these Dark Fantasy Yaoi novels or how-to advice and Q&As about writing Dark Fantasy Bizarro Yaoi, and thus many pages feature mention of suicide, drug use, cutting, depression, BDSM fetishes especially CBT, schizophrenia, ritual murder, and thus many pages are probably NSFW.
Please be aware that this site is considered an "Adult Entertainment" website and by viewing it you agree that you are over the age of 18 years old.
Reader discretion of both the Quaraun novels and the pages of this website is advised.
Meet The Characters:
The Adventures of Quaraun The Insane: First draft/sample chapters from the novels.
NOTE: The scenes and chapters featured here, are from the unedited first drafts, and NOT from the finished published novels. This was done because many readers had asked to see what the first drafts looked like to see how different they were from the finished product. Because these are from the unedited first drafts, they contain spelling and grammar errors, typos, and sections that are still unrevised. These errors are corrected in the final published editions.More sample chapters can be found here: (note, while these chapters are linked in chronological order, they are not continuing one to the next, they are chapters spanning from Volume 1 all the way to volume 119, of a series that has 130 novels/volumes.)
Pink Links are pages on this site. Green links go to the pages found on my DeviantArt account.
Chapter 1: King Gwallmaiic & The Sacred Pink JellyFish (Chapter 1 of the entire series)BoomFuzzy's Gingerbread House From HellThe Dying Elf, Gibedon's Head, and King Gwallmaiic's Elf Eating MansionSanta Claus: Lich Of The North PoleAn Elf Gone Mad: The Rise of The Pink NecromancerI Loved My Children, But I Loved BoomFuzzy MoreDoe'Uan and The Lonely ElfFinding Finderu Kelim Meets Quaraun The InsanePocket Lich Unleashed: Quaraun Murders FindaruCaptured By The Lich Lord An Elf and a Lich in the Gingerbread PitThe Lich's True Form Revealed Bullgaar the Vulgar The Enchanted MapWaiter, There's a Head In My SoupThe Orcs and The Necromancer The Valley of the Katopas (Part 1)The Valley of the Katopas (Part 2)The Beginning of the EndThe Witch Massimara Of Mount YenkaPsychotic Dead ThingsSix Days EarlierThere is no Mournful Lamb InnThe Swamp of DeathThe Dungeon Master & The 1974 AMC GremlinIntroducing GhoulSpawnThe Demon Cultists & The Coming of The DarknessEelKat and The Kats of Planet PtarmaginThe Moon Elves of IvujivikThe Return of ZooLock The GreatThe Gremlin's WarningA Field of Poppies On The Road To Witch PondThe Road To Witch Pond (Part 2)The Road To Witch Pond (Part 3)Santa's Dead Floating BodyWorms!GhoulSpawn and Quaraun Trapped With A PhookaThe Banshee Sisters: Bean-Nighe and Ben-Neeyah In the Swamp of DeathA Fourth Letter To Home - The Masochistic Elf With Stockholm SyndromeGhoulSpawn and Quaraun Trapped With A PhookaThe Strange Village or I Love The Smell Of Decomposing Bodies In The MorningThe Golden RoosterMeeting MallacSerial Killer At LargeThe Summoner of DarknessCorsets, Elves, and Undead Faeries.Visiting The Scene of Murder #1 With An UnGelded StallionI Never Wanted To Be a WizardSheep AgainBack At The Tavern and Still No ShrimpA Tavern Scene Part 3 - Quaraun, Unicorn, GhoulSpawn, - Time Travel, Chastity Cages, and WhoresTumbling Down Stairs With Slutty Elves and Angry LichesWhere Are You Hiding That Horse?The Hostess Twinkie Aisle of Biddeford WalMartQuaraun Meets HellBorne The EvilThe Map of the TownQuaraun Meets BatDude & Pigeon Poop BoyPepperell Square, Saco, Maine, In The Year 2525No Goldfish, Today?Chocolate Covered Elves Evil Elves How To Kill A LichThe Lover's Triangle At Gremlin's House / Kill The BabyI Am Not GhoulSpawnSheepSanta's Letter to Satan Going North To Head SouthAloneIn Black TowerYou've Only Known Our World Through The Eyes of a Madman"Sold! To Zebulon, for two million dollars."The Last of The Moon ElvesFarDarrig and The Baby That Never Should Have Been
Answering Reader Question About The Quaraun Series:
Behind the Scenes:
A Look At How I Write The Quaraun Series...
The Quaraun series is a set of 130 Fantasy novels about a suicidal, drug addicted, serial killing, bi-sexual, polyamorous/polygamous, masochistic, time traveling transvestite Elf wizard, his sex crazed, sadistic, drug dealing unicorn, and their bloodthirsty sentient house.
The Quaraun series contains heavy use of the following:
- drug use
- sex fetishes
- CBT (cock and ball torture)
- barbed penises and toothed vaginas
- monsters eating Humans
- blood thirsty Faeries
- Elves eating Elves
- Faeries eating Elves
- squid headed aliens eating brains out of still alive victims
- medieval torture
- stockholm syndrome
- ritual murder
- flaying (skinning a person alive)
- child sacrifice
- vampirism (the mental illness, not the mythical creature)
- crude language (including an excessive use of the words fuck, cock, dick, testicals, balls, scrotum, and penis)
- interracial relationships
- M/m/m relationships
- gay men
- bisexual men
- transvestite men
- men who have sex with unicorns(horses)
- tentacle porn sex with squid headed aliens
- shape-shifter sex
- ménage à trois relationships
- double dicked men
- tripple dicked penitration gay sex scenes
- bananas, pickles, candy canes, unicorn horns, and glass wizard wands used as dildos
- main character Quaraun is a man with 4 wives (one of whom is also his sister, another of whom is also his daughter)
- Quaraun has 2 male lovers
- Quaraun has 4 children by his sister
- Quaraun has 3 children by his daughter
- Quaraun has 1 child that is the result of him raping a woman
- Quaraun has 37 children by prostitutes
- the primary secondary character, Unicorn, is a chemist "candy maker" and detailed instruction of how he makes his drugs, including recipes to do so are included in the novels
The Quaraun series has been banned by the following:
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints aka The Mormon Church
(1991) (Reason: too much sex)
(Interestingly, there were no sex scenes in the series before 2014)
The Arundel Christian Tabernacle, Biddeford-Arundel, Maine
(2001) (Reason: evil and influenced by Satan)
New Life Church, Biddeford, Maine
(2003) (Reason: Too gay for the family friendly church)
(Interestingly, there were no gay characters in the series before 2014)
(2012) (Reason: Too violent)
Curtis Lake Church, Sanford, Maine
(2013) (Reason: Too gay for the family friendly church)
(Interestingly, there were no gay characters in the series before 2014 and I added gay characters to the series BECAUSE of this false complaint)
Old Orchard Beach Town Hall of the Town of Old Orchard Beach, Maine, a division of the United States of America Government
(January 4, 2016 via court order)(State of Maine, Biddeford District Court: Docket #BDDC-PA-2015-00574)
(Reason #1: Too gay for the family friendly town of Old Orchard Beach)(Reason #2: Contains transgender characters depicted as living in Old Orchard Beach, in violation of the ordinance which states Old Orchard Beach is a "Family Friendly Town" by virtue of it's ban on LGBTQ+ residents)
27 volumes of the Quaraun novels were forced to be unpublished/removed from Amazon by the government issued court order that cited these books as "Too Gay For Old Orchard Beach"
NOTE: As a result of this ban, and my discovery that OOB had an ordinance banning LGBTQ citizens from living in our town, an additional court case rose up, and on October 21, 2016, Alfred Superior Court overruled the ordinance banning LGBTQs in OOB, AND overturned the town hall's ban on the Quaraun series, citing that both the ordinace baning LGBTQ residents and the court order ordering the Quaraun books to be removed from Amazon.comto be "gross violations of civil rights".)
Did you notice how 3 different places used the exact same phrase of "Too gay for the family friendly..." In each of these three cases the exact same minister was behind the ban.
Sample Chapters of Many of the Novels Are Available To Read Online:
Volume 27: The Sorcerer's Tower of Cake
Volume 48: A Baby For The Necromancer
Volume 58: Zebulon's Captive
106: The Haunted Lighthouse
Volume 107: The Battle of Ongadada
Volume 108: Friends Are Forever
(Volume 1 of The Twighlight Manor series)
Volume 119: My Two Favorite People
Please Note: The Quaraun Series Is Rated M18+ and you must be 18 or older to buy it.
Most pages on EelKat.com are about writing, publishing, marketing, and CosPlaying Dark Fantasy, Bizarro, Gorn, Monster Porn, Torture Porn, CBT, Psychedelic Literature, Weird Lovecraftian Horror, Pink Humour Satire, & BDSM Yaoi.
With this in mind, some pages may not be safe for work and are marked as: [NSFW].
Reader discretion is advised.
Why is the Quaraun Series Rated M18+?
Book publishing hiatus: November 14, 2013 I was beaten up by a woman who claimed to be a unpublished author. I was paralyzed for 5 months and am still 4 years later relearning to use my legs & arms. While I was cripple, offline, and recovering these past 4 years, she next proceeded to hack my website and most all of my forum and social network accounts.
April 2015 she returned, filled my motorhome with 1,000s of gallons of feces/raw sewage and cut my cats heads off nailing them to my door. 10 cats are currently still missing.
October 2006 she blew up my house with a bomb, in May 2013 put a bomb in my classroom at college, November 2015 put a bomb in my department where I work at Walmart, and June 2016 put yet another bomb in WalMart. The FBI is trying to identity of this woman. More info about these terrorist attacks on my family can be found here: https://www.eelkat.com/1667Words.html
If you have any information about this woman, please contact the FBI agent in charge of the case, his contact info is on that page.