The Cast Iron Frying Pan

Snow whispered against the pink silk of Quaraun’s yurt-like tent, frost creeping up the golden poles supporting the delicate structure. The small stove in the corner radiated warmth, a protective bubble against the icy wasteland beyond.

Inside, the air was heavy with the scent of roses, cinnamon, and something rich and buttery sizzling in a cast iron frying pan.

Quaraun sat cross-legged on a plush rose-coloured cushion, his twelve foot long, silver jellyfish tentacle hair draped across his lap in intricate braids laced with pearls. He watched BoomFuzzy move around the tiny kitchen space, the Faerie’s black hakama swishing against his bare feet, his purple tartan trailing behind him. Steam fogged BoomFuzzy’s oversized steampunk goggles, but he didn’t seem to care.

“Ye gonna sit there gawkin' at me all day, me wee JellyElf?” BoomFuzzy’s gravelly voice broke the rhythmic crackle of the frying pan. His grey dreadlocks swung as he turned, a mischievous grin splitting his bearded face.

Quaraun sniffed, his nose wrinkling.

“It is not gawking.”

“No?”

“No.”

“Eh. What ya call it then?”

“I am supervising.”

“Supervising? You? Bah!” BoomFuzzy laughed, the sound a deep, booming rumble that filled the space. “Ye wouldn’t know a skillet from a soup pot, Love.”

Quaraun bristled, brushing nonexistent crumbs off his shimmering pink silk robe.

“I know plenty about cooking. I simply choose not to.”

“Choose not to know?”

“That is not what I meant.”

“It’s what ya said.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Bah!”

BoomFuzzy snorted and flipped a pancake in the frying pan with a flourish, the scent of caramelized sugar wafting through the tent.

Quaraun’s stomach growled, and he scowled, folding his arms.

“Ye sound like a starved kitten,” BoomFuzzy teased, his cataract-clouded eyes gleaming with amusement.

“I do not,” Quaraun protested, though his blush betrayed him.

From the far side of the tent, GhoulSpawn peeked over the rim of a tattered physics book, his gold-rimmed glasses perched precariously on his nose.

“Technically, his vocalized stomach activity is more analogous to—”

“Shut it, Glinta,” Quaraun snapped.

GhoulSpawn muttered something about anomalous acoustics and buried his face back in his book.

BoomFuzzy scooped the golden pancake from the pan and slid it onto a plate, layering it with spiced butter and a drizzle of honey. He turned, holding the plate aloft like a trophy, his grin wicked.

“Breakfast is served.”

Quaraun arched a delicate silver eyebrow.

“You call that breakfast?”

“Ye’ll call it Heaven, Love, once ye taste it.”

BoomFuzzy thrust the plate into Quaraun’s hands, then plopped down beside him on the cushions, the frying pan still clutched in one hand.

Quaraun hesitated, eyeing the plate like it might bite him. BoomFuzzy’s cooking was always unpredictable—delicious, but unpredictable. He tentatively took a bite, the warm pancake melting in his mouth, sweet and spiced, with a buttery richness that sent a shiver down his spine.

“Well?” BoomFuzzy leaned in close, his beard brushing Quaraun’s cheek. “What d’ye think?”

Quaraun tried to maintain his haughty demeanor, but the corners of his mouth betrayed him, curving into a small, satisfied smile.

“It’s acceptable.”

BoomFuzzy barked a laugh, pulling Quaraun into a one-armed hug.

“Acceptable? Ye hear that, Ghouly? Me pancake’s acceptable!”

GhoulSpawn didn’t look up, muttering something about culinary anomalies before flipping a page.

“What ya studying, Goat?”

“I’m a Sheep.”

“Uh, huh. One what’s got his nose stuck in a book whiles hims breakfast gets cold.”

GhoulSpawn slowly set his book down, pushed his glasses back up his nose, and stared at BoomFuzzy.

“I was of the impression you had only cooked for Quaraun.”

“Breakfast is for all of us, Laddy.”

“Did you make more then one pancake?”

“Ah. I see ya point.”

“Well, you let me know when mine’s done.”

GhoulSpawn picked his book back up and went back to his reading.

“Ah, well, we have time for other things then,” BoomFuzzy said as he pulled Quaraun close.

Quaraun squirmed in BoomFuzzy’s grip, his voice muffled against the Faerie’s woolly dreadlocks.

“Must you always manhandle me?”

“Aye,” BoomFuzzy replied, pressing a kiss to Quaraun’s temple. “Ye’re too dainty for yer own good, me Love.”

Quaraun huffed but didn’t pull away, leaning into the warmth of BoomFuzzy’s embrace.

Outside, the wind howled, rattling the tent’s fabric, but inside, the three of them were cocooned in a world of silk, warmth, and the lingering aroma of pancakes.

After a moment, Quaraun’s gaze drifted to the cast iron frying pan still clutched in BoomFuzzy’s hand.

“Why are you still holding that?”

BoomFuzzy grinned, spinning the pan in his hand like a sword.

“Gotta be ready fer anything.”

“It’s a frying pan,” Quaraun deadpanned.

“Aye, but it’s also a weapon.” BoomFuzzy tapped the edge of the pan against his palm. “Ye’d be surprised what ye can do with one o’ these.”

Quaraun rolled his eyes but didn’t argue.

BoomFuzzy’s unpredictable nature was part of his charm, after all.

GhoulSpawn finally set his book down, eyeing the frying pan with a mix of curiosity and trepidation.

“You’re not seriously considering using that for defense, are you?”

BoomFuzzy winked.

“Depends. Ye feelin’ lucky, Goat?”

GhoulSpawn recoiled, his hooves clattering against the floor as he scooted back.

“I-I’d rather not test the theory.”

BoomFuzzy chuckled, setting the frying pan aside and pulling Quaraun closer. The Elf didn’t resist, his head resting against BoomFuzzy’s broad chest.

For a moment, the world outside didn’t exist—no zombies, no snow, no fractured moon. Just the warmth of their little family, the scent of pancakes, and the soft crackle of the stove.

Quaraun closed his eyes, his mechanical fingers brushing against BoomFuzzy’s woolen tartan heko sash.

“I don’t understand why you fuss over me so much.”

BoomFuzzy tilted his head, his voice softer now.

“Because ye’re me Love. And someone’s gotta make sure ye eat somethin’ other than candied rose petals.”

Quaraun didn’t reply, but his lips curved into a faint smile, his heart light despite the ever-present weight of the icy world outside.

The 2nd 500 Story Challenge: Story #054 OF 500 | This work of fiction is a part of a long-running series of novels, novellas, short stories, and poetry. (Known as The Adventures of Quaraun the Insane, formerly known as The Twighlight Manor Series). I have been writing & publishing it since 1978 (50th anniversary coming in 2028!) spanning over 3k published works.

The Pink Necromancer, Moon Elf silk weaver & merchant: Quaraun on Noodle Beach. His master chef Phooka turned Lich husband: BoomFuzzy with his 1968 VW Bus Beach Noodle Food Truck. And their on again/off again mad scientist Sheep Demon lover: GhoulSpawn with his 1974 AMC Gremlin time machine. Time Travel setting swings back and forth between 40th century Maine after a comet hit the moon decimating the planet, and the 1970s, Maine. Quaraun in the main character, he and BoomFuzzy are a married gay couple. GhoulSpawn is their shared live-in lover. Art by Wendy Christine Allen.

BoomFuzzy King Gwallmaiic aka BoomFuzzy the Unicorn: Quaraun's husband, BoomFuzzy aka King Gwallmaiic, a Scottish Phooka, who is King of The UnSeelie Court. Quaraun is his court mage and advisor, as well as the only Elf in The UnSeelie Court. BoomFuzzy is a "classic fantasy type" Necromancer who uses sorcery to raise the dead. Being a Faerie he is also an illusionist and master of trickster magic. By profession, he is a Master Chef, owning the global monopoly on restaurants, taverns, pubs, and food trucks. Until his death, BoomFuzzy was regarded as the world's most powerful wizard. He is now a Lich. BoomFuzzy is also half-Human. His mother was a Mongolian/Chinese Human, which is why he wears distinctively Asian outfits, along with a great kilt worn as a cape. Known as BoomFuzzy the Unicorn, he often takes the form of a purple Unicorn. BoomFuzzy's exact age is unknown, though he was well over two thousand years old at the time of his death, and Quaraun resurrected him as a Lich around 500+ years ago, making him close to 3,000 years old. In his BlackBird form he is fifteen thousand years old. Art by Wendy Christine Allen

Quaraun Quaraun the Insane aka The Pink Necromancer: The F2M transgender Persian Moon Elf main character: The Pink Necromancer, Quaraun The Insane, with BoomFuzzy the Unicorn. F2M for those unaware = Quaraun was biologically born female, but transitioned to live as a male; this is why there are stories where Quaraun is sometimes pregnant, in spite of being male and using he/him male pronouns. Quaraun is a Necromancer by the actual dictionary definition of the word, meaning he is a psychic medium who sees and hears ghosts, and uses tarot, spirit boards, and seances to communicate with the dead. By profession he is a silk weaver/tailor/silk merchant. Quaraun is an Elder God JellyFish who takes the form of an Elf to blend in with society. His 12 foot long hair is made out of venomous, stinging jellyfish tentacles. Quaraun is BoomFuzzy's apprentice and regarded as the world's most powerful still living wizard. Quaraun's exact age is unknown, but he is somewhere around 750 years old. In his SunTa form he is twelve thousand years old. The Scared Pink JellyFish that lives in him, is stated to being over two million years old. Art by Wendy Christine Allen

Main characters: The Pink Necromancer, Quaraun (A Moon Elf) and his husband King Gwallmaiic aka BoomFuzzy aka The Elf Eater of Pepper Valley, Lich King of Fire Mountain (A Phooka/Faerie).

BoomFuzzy is King of The UnSeelie Court;

Quaraun is his Court Mage;

GhoulSpawn (not pictured) is Quaraun’s apprentice.

They are the world’s three most evil super villains, though they do not see themselves as evil. They own the world’s only functioning BioDome and thus hold the world’s monopoly on crops, food, livestock, and fabric, holding the Human population at their sadistic mercy.

These stories are told from their point of view.

 — — Art by Wendy Christine Allen

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