The Screaming Contest

The Screaming Unicorn Tavern smelled of gingerbread and wood smoke, a warm reprieve from the biting cold outside.

Outside Humans were hesitant to enter. The gingerbread house had appeared during the night.

The Screaming Unicorn Tavern stood at the edge of the frosty town, a sugary beacon of warmth and whimsy and terror. Its exterior was made of soft reddish-brown gingerbread, the bricks oozing with golden buttercream, fragrant with the scent of vanilla and caramelized sugar. The windows, glowing a soft honey gold, were barely sugar-honeycomb, casting a warm light over the snowy yard. Above the double Dutch doors—the top one swung open and the bottom one locked closed—was a sign that read "The Screaming Unicorn" in purple icing, and blinking like a neon sign.

BoomFuzzy had just finished explaining to Quaraun, that the peanut buckle Double Dutch doors were a fun challenge for the uninitiated, always tripping someone who hadn’t yet learned how to open them properly. Quaraun had gone inside shaking his head, muttering something about needing a drink.

Licorice flowers bloomed along the rock-candy cobblestone path, their dark sweetness wafting in the cold breeze.

On either side of the path stood snarling lich apricot trees, their twisted limbs dripping with frost. Life-size animatronic gummy bears wearing resplendant purple sequing-strings, grinning with wide sugary smiles, marched around the white marzipan picket fence, their movements jerky and mechanical.

A glittering line of gumdrops hung along the edges of the eaves like fairy lights, while giant candy canes leaned lazily against the house’s corners, towering over the visitors. The gingerbread boys—looking suspiciously like missing local children—stood frozen in place, their gummy eyes following anyone who passed.

“Faeries,” the townsfolk whispered as they crept to get a closer look at the bizarre shop that had mysteriously appeared during the night.

“It’s like old Baba Yaga’s house.”

“It IS Baba Yaga’s old house,” BoomFuzzy chirped cheerfully. “She gave it to me after she upgraded to the Chicken Shack. She’s one of my District Chief’s ya know.”

The villagers spun around to stare at the Phooka.

BoomFuzzy stood in his Unicorn form, a small, innocent creature with shaggy lilac fur, thick and fluffy like a winter’s snowstorm. His horn gleamed silver, gleaming with the light from the tavern windows, contrasting sharply against his soft, frosted fur. His silver hooves clicked rhythmically against the cobblestone, each step purposeful and proud. The shetland pony stature made him look innocent, yet beneath his chubby exterior lay an untamed energy, a mischievous glint that was all too aware of his power. His tail swayed lazily, a tuft of soft purple at its tip, and his eyes, ever so glistening, shone with a playful and knowing gleam.

The little Unicorn’s fluffy form belied the intensity of his presence. He was both whimsical and formidable, a creature of both frosty warmth and raw strength. Despite his fluffy, innocent appearance, his presence was as commanding as the storms he summoned.

“Is that a Unicorn?”

“No. Unicorns are white with gold horns. That’s a Phooka.”

“What’s a Phooka?”

“It’s like a Kelpie only worse. And this one’s especially bad.”

“How do you know?”

“This is The Screaming Unicorn.”

“How do you know?”

“Says so there on the gingerbread house. This is the creature that ate Hansel and Gretel, don’t you know nothing? He sets up his gingerbread house, then sells Human meat pies, and grinds Human bones into flour to make his gingerbread. Everyone knows about The Screaming Unicorn. He’s the most evil Faerie of them all.”

“Aye, worst there is,” BoomFuzzy agreed.

“Faeries,” more people whispered.

“It’s the Faerie King,” said others.

“King Gwallmaiic,” said others, their voices trembling in fear.

“Aye,”BoomFuzzy replied, nodding, sending his ness of dreadlocks bouncing. “We are The UnSeelie Court. Here for a limited time only. Come inside, have a cup a tea, stay for dinner. I promise we won’t eat many of you.”

“Did someone slip us a potion, or are we really seeing this?” one of the men asked, his voice shaky as he eyed BoomFuzzy, who stood in his Unicorn form in front of them.

BoomFuzzy snorted and flicked his tail.

“What? Ye think I’m some kind of illusion? Or a hallucination?” The little purple horse puffed out his chest, his silver horn gleaming in the dim light. “I am The Screaming Unicorn, lad, not some trick yer brain is playin’ on ye.”

A second man laughed nervously.

“Yeah, right. And I’m the King of the Moon.”

“No ya not. We got him inside already. All decked out in pink and writing poetry, while sipping absinthe. If ya nice, I’ll introduce ya to him.”

“I’m talking to a talking horse.”

BoomFuzzy trotted forward, stomping his hooves.

“Aye, ye’ll be lookin’ like a right fool when I charge ye for that comment, won’t ye? The Unicorn’s no myth. Just ask the Sheep Demons,” he grinned, his voice low and rumbly. “Trust me, pal, I ain’t no hallucination.”

Inside The Screaming Unicorn Tavern gleamed like something out of a dream—or a nightmare. Candy canes spiraled up its gingerbread walls, frosting dripped along the eaves, and the air smelled of spiced sugar and roasting clams.

BoomFuzzy barked orders to his Goblin servants in the kitchen, the scent of lobster rolls and spiced soups curling through the air, intoxicating the survivalist settlers who’d gathered despite their fear.

Snowflakes clung to the curved windows, their delicate patterns refracting light from the roaring hearth.

Quaraun, in his signature rhinestone encrusted pink silks, sat near the fire, absinthe swirling in a crystal glass on the table before him. His gold plated mechanical fingers clicked softly against his notebook as he scribbled a new stanza, the ink shimmering pink and gold under the flickering light.

In the pale of the moon’s fractured glow,
My love for the Unicorn continues to grow,
His hooves in the snow, soft like a dream,
His lilac fur shimmering, his voice like a scream.

Each whisper of wind, each flick of his tail,
Draws me closer, like the wind to the sail.
In his presence, my heart skips a beat,
A thundering rush, a warmth so sweet.

I dream of his laughter, wild and free,
A spark in his eyes that calls to me.
Unicorn, my Love, my sweet shining light,
With you by my side, all is right.

GhoulSpawn sat at the poker table, his calm demeanor betraying the chaos around him. The Goblins were jittery, eyeing him with suspicion. Their beady eyes darted from their cards to him, unsure of how to read him. GhoulSpawn, on the other hand, didn’t need to read their cards—he read their faces, the subtle twitches, the slight nervous shifts in posture. It was an art, really, his ability to decipher the game purely from observing body language and calculating odds.

One Goblin grunted, narrowing his eyes.

“Ye got somethin' up yer sleeve, right, Glinta?”

“No,” GhoulSpawn replied smoothly, flipping a card without so much as a second glance. “I am merely making educated guesses.”

Another Goblin sneered.

“He’s countin' cards. I can tell. Ain’t no way he’s so lucky.”

BoomFuzzy, who was just then, lounging by the fire, overheard the accusations and sauntered over, shaking his head with a grin.

“Leave him be, lads. GhoulSpawn’s too innocent and honest to cheat. He’s not been here in the 40th century long enough to get corrupted like the rest o’ ye.”

One Goblin snorted.

“Not corrupted, eh? You sure about that, BoomFuzzy?”

BoomFuzzy pulled up a chair and leaned back, grinning mischievously.

“I’ll show ye how a cheater plays. No one cheats better than me.” He threw his hands into the air dramatically and dealt himself in, winking at GhoulSpawn. “Now, let’s see how cheating’s really done, shall we?”

GhoulSpawn simply smiled, confident that while BoomFuzzy’s antics may be entertaining, they would never overshadow his quiet brilliance at the game.

The cards shuffled quickly, their edges flashing in the dim light. BoomFuzzy dealt out the hand, his fingers dexterous despite his blindness. GhoulSpawn picked up his cards, scanning the suits and numbers. He had always been confident in card games—until now.

BoomFuzzy grinned, a glint in his eye.

"We’ll see who’s got the better hand today, Goat."

“I’m a Sheep.”

“And now ya distracted, all upset over ya not being a Goat.”

“Stop doing that.”

“Goat.”

“STOP IT!”

“Still think ya composed enough to win?”

GhoulSpawn narrowed his gaze, sensing something off about the way BoomFuzzy handled the deck.

"You’ve been cheating again, haven’t you?"

BoomFuzzy raised an eyebrow.

"Me? Cheat? I would never!"

His voice was silky, almost too smooth. He tapped the top card, sending a subtle spark of magic that rearranged his hand invisibly.

“Goat.”

“I’m a Sheep.”

“Yar ain’t paying attention to me tail.”

“What?”

“Prehensile tail. Switching the deck, while ya getting ya panties in a twist over ya ain’t being a Goat.”

GhoulSpawn played his cards, trying to keep his composure. But as BoomFuzzy laid down his hand, GhoulSpawn’s jaw dropped. A perfect royal flush.

"What in the—"

BoomFuzzy raised his hand, a smug grin stretching across his face.

"Sometimes, Goat, the cards just fall the way I want them to. And sometimes I call you a Goat, so ya gets all flusted and donae notice me tail stealing cards out of the deck."

GhoulSpawn scowled but couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled up.

"You are the worst, BoomFuzzy."

"Aye. But I’m your favourite," BoomFuzzy replied, tapping his nose with a wink.

“I’m gonna go talk to Quaraun while you cheat the Goblins.”

“Have fun.”

The dimly lit tavern was filled with the sound of clinking glass and the shuffle of cards as BoomFuzzy sat at a table surrounded by Goblins. Their beady eyes darted around, glancing at their cards and then at each other. BoomFuzzy adjusted his goggles, sipping NotNog from his mug, his fingers deftly counting cards, the flick of his wrist sending a shiver of tension through the air.

“I ain’t trustin’ that little Unicorn,” one Goblin muttered. “He’s up to somethin’, I can smell it.”

BoomFuzzy snorted, a smile curling on his lips.

“Yer paranoid, that’s what ye are. Just play yer cards. Don’t worry about me.”

Another Goblin scowled.

“You’ve got to be cheatin’. There’s no way ye know all our hands.”

BoomFuzzy chuckled, his voice low and gravelly.

“Yer all too easy to read, lads. If ye can’t keep up, it’s yer own fault. It no wonder Ghouly was winning so much from you.”

The Goblins glared, but BoomFuzzy simply leaned back, the smirk never leaving his face. He didn’t need to cheat—his mind worked faster than theirs, after all.

“Bah! Ya no fun,” BoomFuzzy said, leaving the table. “Ghouly is much more fun to cheat.” He yelled across the room to GhoulSpawn. “They’re all yours, Ghouly. Ain’t no challenge to cheating ‘em like there is you!”

BoomFuzzy sauntered over to the bar looking for mischief to make.

“New rule,” BoomFuzzy announced, his voice carrying over the hum of the crowded room. He leaned against the bar, his lilac tail swishing mischievously. “Anyone who can out-scream me drinks for free!”

The tavern erupted into laughter. A burly Human scavenger, his coat patched with bits of duct tape, stood and puffed out his chest.

“You’re on, old man!”

BoomFuzzy grinned. With a shimmer, his form twisted. The stout chubby Faerie melted into a stocky chubby purple Unicorn, fur so fuzzy it looked like it could swallow a snowstorm. His gleaming silver horn caught the firelight.

“Ready?” BoomFuzzy’s voice was deeper now, resonant and strange coming from the Unicorn form.

The scream that erupted from him rattled the tavern windows, sent glasses toppling, and knocked the Human flat on his back.

Quaraun didn’t even flinch, his blue eyes fixed on his notebook. His long silver jellyfish tentacle hair, neatly braided, draped over the back of the booth like a sparkling waterfall.

“Must you?” He muttered without looking up.

“Course, Love,” BoomFuzzy replied, his lilac fur shimmering as he transformed back into his Faerie form. “I am The Screaming Unicorn. Gotta keep in good practice.” He brushed snowflakes from his purple tartan scarf and adjusted the oversized goggles on his face. “Keeps the tourists entertained.”

“Do it again!” a voice called from the bar.

BoomFuzzy, ever the showman, climbed onto a chair.

“Alright, one more round! I’ll wager a week’s worth of chowder. Who’s brave enough to challenge me?”

A scavenger, taller than the first, stood with a grin.

“I’ll take that wager.”

BoomFuzzy cracked his knuckles.

“Good lad. Ready your ears.”

He transformed back into a Unicorn again, took a deep breath, his chest expanding far beyond what seemed possible for his tiny size. The scream that followed was bone-rattling, a high-pitched wail that sent patrons diving under tables and left the challenger clutching his head.

“Winner, winner, clam chowder dinner!” BoomFuzzy said, laughing as he ladled himself a bowl of clam chowder. “Free chowder for me!”

“You own the tavern,” Quaraun said. “Your chowder is always free for you.”

BoomFuzzy’s laughter filled the room, rough and warm like the crackling hearth.

GhoulSpawn, seated at a nearby table once again with the group of wide-eyed Goblins, rubbed his long floppy lamb’s ears.

“How does your voice even do that?” GhoulSpawn asked.

“Faerie lungs,” BoomFuzzy replied, taking a swig of something that smelled like burnt sugar and charred moonlight.

His huge fluffy tail flicked against a barstool, sending it skittering across the floor.

Quaraun sighed, finally setting down his pen.

“You are insufferable,” he said, though his lips curved in a soft smile. “I can not get an work done.”

BoomFuzzy sauntered over, his lilac tail curling around Quaraun’s waist as he leaned in close.

“Ye love me,” he teased, pressing a rough, warm kiss to the Elf’s temple.

Quaraun wrinkled his nose.

“You smell like peppermints mixed with caramelized mushrooms and clam juice.”

“Aye,” BoomFuzzy said with a wink. “Part o’ me charm.”

He slid into the booth beside Quaraun, his solid frame pressing against the Elf’s slight one.

Quaraun’s long, delicate fingers twitched in time with his twitching eye, as BoomFuzzy plucked the Elf’s absinthe glass from the table and took a sip.

“This stuff tastes like shite,” BoomFuzzy muttered, handing it back.

“Do not touch my drink,” Quaraun said, snatching the glass and polishing it with a pink silk handkerchief he produced from seemingly nowhere.

“Hmmm. Ya deserve better.”

“You served it.”

“Well I’ll serve ya something better.”

With a wave of his hand, a bottle of Green Fairy Wine appeared on the table.

BoomFuzzy poured the absinthe with practiced ease, the emerald liquid glistening under the tavern lights. He balanced a sugar cube on a slotted spoon, letting the cold liquid drip over it in a delicate cascade. “This one’s better than what ya’ve been drinkin’, Love,” he murmured, his voice rich and teasing. “Made it meself. A little somethin’ special—Faerie shrooms for that extra kick.”

Quaraun’s eyes twinkled as he watched the ritual, the sweet smell of sugar and herbs filling the air. The green glow of the drink mirrored the eerie ambiance of the tavern, its heady scent swirling with the softness of lavender and vanilla.

“I thought it tasted more… potent,” Quaraun said with a smirk, eyeing BoomFuzzy. “You really know how to spoil an Elf.”

BoomFuzzy winked.

“Aye, that’s what I do best.”

BoomFuzzy chuckled, his arm draping around Quaraun’s narrow shoulders.

“Ye need ta loosen up, JellyElf.” His fingers played idly with a strand of Quaraun’s shimmering hair. “Let’s have some fun. A wee scream, perhaps?”

Quaraun shot him a glare that would have withered a lesser man.

“I do not scream.”

“That so?” BoomFuzzy’s grin widened. “We could change that.”

“Do not test me,” Quaraun said, his tone imperious despite the faint blush rising to his cheeks.

BoomFuzzy laughed, a deep, rolling sound. He pulled Quaraun closer, his rough hand sliding down to entwine their fingers.

“Ye’re cute when ye’re cross.”

“I am not cross,” Quaraun said, though his voice betrayed him with a slight tremble.

The tavern door burst open, a gust of icy wind carrying in a group of weary travelers. Who tripped over the locked lower half of the Double Dutch door.

BoomFuzzy roared in laughter.

“You did that on purpose,” Quaraun said.

“Aye! Nothing as funny as watching Humans what ain’t never seen a Dutch door before.”

The Humans lay face first on the floor staring confused at the locked lower half of the door, which had not opened when they opened the door.

Snow dusted their coats and boots as they stomped to their feet, drawn by the warmth and scent of fresh gingerbread.

“Welcome to The Screaming Unicorn!” BoomFuzzy called, waving them in. “First drink’s on the house if ye’ve got the lungs to challenge me to a screaming duel!”

The newcomers exchanged wary glances but found their way to the bar.

Quaraun leaned back, his head resting against BoomFuzzy’s shoulder.

“You will drive away all your customers,” he said softly.

“Or make ‘em regulars,” BoomFuzzy replied, pressing a kiss to Quaraun’s hair.

“Or cook them in pies.”

“Aye, and grind their bones to make me bread.”

“Mmmm. I could use some gingerbread, right now,” Quaraun mused.

“Well, then, a whole herd of Humans waiting to be turned to flour just walked in. Best get me gingerbread ovens fired up.”

The Elf sighed, his eyes fluttering closed. Despite himself, he felt a warmth bloom in his chest, chasing away the ever-present chill of the frozen world outside.

“I love being with you.”

“Tell me, Love,” BoomFuzzy asked, his voice softer now. “What’s that wee poem ye’ve been scribblin’?”

Quaraun opened one eye, considering. He reached for his notebook, his gold-plated fingers brushing against BoomFuzzy’s calloused hand.

“It is unfinished,” he said, but he handed it over anyway.

BoomFuzzy squinted at the elegant script, his silver eyes unreadable.

“It’s beautiful,” he said, though the words meant little to him. He handed it back with a smile.

Quaraun tilted his head, studying him.

“You cannot read.”

“No,” BoomFuzzy admitted with a shrug. “But anything ye make is beautiful. Look at ya lovly handwriting.”

The Elf’s cheeks flushed a deeper pink, and he turned away, pretending to focus on his drink.

BoomFuzzy leaned closer to Quaraun, his voice a low chuckle as he wrapped an arm around the frail Elf’s shoulders.

“You think you could try not screaming so much?” Quaraun asked.

“Ye know, Love, I have to scream often to keep up me reputation. Ye wouldn’t want me to be seen as some quiet, little pony, would ye?”

Quaraun rolled his eyes but didn’t pull away, savoring the warmth of BoomFuzzy’s embrace.

“Must you always make such a scene?”

“Aye, I must,” BoomFuzzy said with a grin, his tail flicking behind him. “The tourists expect it. Keeps ‘em entertained, keeps ‘em coming back for more.” He leaned down, pressing a kiss to Quaraun’s temple. “Don’t worry, Love. I’ll always be loud, just for you.”

“That’s the opposite of what I asked for.”

“I know.”

Quaraun went back to writing.

BoomFuzzy jumped up.

“Duty calls.”

BoomFuzzy scampered to the middle of the tavern, transformed into a Unicorn once again, his eyes alight with mischief as he let out a loud, blood-curdling scream. The patrons paused, a few chuckling at his antics, but most simply stared at him with amusement. He grinned wide, knowing exactly what he was doing.

Meanwhile, Quaraun sat at a table in the corner, scribbling furiously in his journal, his pen flying across the page. But every time BoomFuzzy screamed, his concentration wavered, and a frustrated sigh escaped him.

“Unicorn, please,” Quaraun muttered without looking up, his voice strained. “Can you stop screaming for just a moment? I am trying to concentrate on my writing.”

BoomFuzzy, unbothered, simply turned toward Quaraun with a cheeky grin.

“Aye, but I have to scream often. I must keep up me reputation as The Screaming Unicorn. What good is a Screaming Unicorn who never screams?”

Before Quaraun could protest further, BoomFuzzy suddenly galloped through the tavern, his hooves thundering across the floor as he screamed loudly. Patrons cheered him on, clapping their hands and hollering. BoomFuzzy spun around, morphing back into his humanoid form with an exaggerated flair.

With a flamboyant jump, he landed on top of a table, sweeping his arms wide in a dramatic bow, the entire tavern’s eyes fixed on him.

He straightened up and turned back to Quaraun, still standing by the table, his face lit with mischief.

“See?” he asked, his voice teasing. “No Screaming Unicorn could ever be silent for long.”

BoomFuzzy laughed again, the sound wrapping around them like a cozy blanket.

“My ears — ” Quaraun started to say.

“Are a foot long,” BoomFuzzy finished.

Quaraun sighed and laid his head on his notebook.

“Ye’re the softest, prettiest thing in this frozen hellhole, JellyElf. Don’t ever forget it.”

Quaraun didn’t respond, but his lips curved into a rare, genuine smile.

Outside, the snow fell heavier, but within the walls of The Screaming Unicorn Tavern, warmth and laughter reigned supreme.

The Pink Necromancer, Moon Elf silk weaver & merchant: Quaraun on Noodle Beach. His master chef Phooka turned Lich husband: BoomFuzzy with his 1968 VW Bus Beach Noodle Food Truck. And their on again/off again mad scientist Sheep Demon lover: GhoulSpawn with his 1974 AMC Gremlin time machine. Time Travel setting swings back and forth between 40th century Maine after a comet hit the moon decimating the planet, and the 1970s, Maine. Quaraun in the main character, he and BoomFuzzy are a married gay couple. GhoulSpawn is their shared live-in lover. Art by Wendy Christine Allen.

The 2nd 500 Story Challenge: Story #060 OF 500 | This work of fiction is a part of a long-running series of novels, novellas, short stories, and poetry. (Known as The Adventures of Quaraun the Insane, formerly known as The Twighlight Manor Series). I have been writing & publishing it since 1978 (50th anniversary coming in 2028!) spanning over 3k published works.

BoomFuzzy King Gwallmaiic aka BoomFuzzy the Unicorn: Quaraun's husband, BoomFuzzy aka King Gwallmaiic, a Scottish Phooka, who is King of The UnSeelie Court. BoomFuzzy is a "classic fantasy type" Necromancer who uses sorcery to raise the dead. Being a Faerie he is also an illusionist and master of trickster magic. By profession, he is a Master Chef, owning the global monopoly on restaurants, taverns, pubs, and food trucks. Until his death, BoomFuzzy was regarded as the world's most powerful wizard. He is now a Lich. BoomFuzzy is also half-Human. His mother was a Mongolian/Chinese Human, which is why he wears distinctively Asian outfits, along with a great kilt worn as a cape. Known as BoomFuzzy the Unicorn, he often takes the form of a purple Unicorn. BoomFuzzy's exact age is unknown, though he was well over two thousand years old at the time of his death, and Quaraun resurrected him as a Lich around 500+ years ago, making him close to 3,000 years old. In his BlackBird form he is fifteen thousand years old. Art by Wendy Christine Allen

Quaraun Quaraun aka The Pink Necromancer: The F2M transgender Persian Moon Elf main character: The Pink Necromancer, Quaraun The Insane, with BoomFuzzy the Unicorn. F2M for those unaware = Quaraun was biologically born female, but transitioned to live as a male; this is why there are stories where Quaraun is sometimes pregnant, in spite of being male and using he/him male pronouns. Quaraun is a Necromancer by the actual dictionary definition of the word, meaning he is a psychic medium who sees and hears ghosts, and uses tarot, spirit boards, and seances to communicate with the dead. By profession he is a silk weaver/tailor/silk merchant. Quaraun is an Elder God JellyFish who takes the form of an Elf to blend in with society. His 12 foot long hair is made out of venomous, stinging jellyfish tentacles. Quaraun is BoomFuzzy's apprentice and regarded as the world's most powerful still living wizard. Quaraun's exact age is unknown, but he is somewhere around 750 years old. In his SunTa form he is twelve thousand years old. The Scared Pink JellyFish that lives in him, is stated to being over two million years old. Art by Wendy Christine Allen

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