The Sweet and Sour of Lemons

The BioDome's golden glow illuminated the grove of lemon trees, their vibrant fruits dangling like drops of sunlight amidst lush green leaves. The air was heady with the sharp, citrusy aroma of freshly picked lemons, so tangy that it seemed to linger on the tongue.

BoomFuzzy hummed an old Faerie tune, his deep, gravelly voice carrying through the grove as he hefted a basket brimming with lemons onto the wooden table.

Quaraun lounged nearby in a resplendent pink silk chaise, sheltered under a lacy pink parasol that matched his flowing pink gown. He sipped delicately from a chilled glass of lemonade, a slice of lemon perched on the rim, his every movement deliberate and regal.

"Glinta, you missed one!" Quaraun called, pointing with his mechanical gold hand toward a particularly plump lemon hanging just out of reach.

GhoulSpawn, who was precariously balanced on a ladder, looked down at him with a mixture of irritation and exasperation.

“Where? I don’t see it.”

“Over there.”

"If you see it, why don’t you pick it?"

Quaraun pulled his pink rhinestone sunglasses down to glare over the top of the rim.

"Do I look like someone who climbs ladders?" Quaraun sniffed, adjusting his bright pink wide-brimmed hat and settling deeper into his pink minkie fur cushions.

“No. You look like an arrogant Elf who refuses to get off his lazy, pompous, stuffy, stuck up ass!”

“Uh, uh, uuh! Temper! I can make you wash the glass on the BioDomes ceiling if you piss me off!”

GhoulSpawn sighed, reaching for the fruit. His cloven hooves and woolly digitigrade legs made balancing tricky, and the ladder wobbled slightly under his hulking frame. His horns got tangled in the tree branches. Still, he managed to pluck the lemon and toss it into the basket on the ground.

"There. Happy?" he grumbled.

"Ecstatic," Quaraun replied with a small smirk, taking another extra loud sip of his drink, before mockingly clapping.

“What does this have to do with learning magic?” GhoulSpawn asked.

“It is all about teaching you discipline.”

“No. It’s all about you like bossing people around!”

“Glinta, I am the world’s most feared and most powerful — ”

“And most arrogant.”

“ — wizard. Entire worlds tremble at my feet — ”

“Can’t see why, you never get off your ass long enough to do anything.”

“ — And that did not happen overnight. It took me centuries to become the world’s greatest masterpiece — ”

“Masterpiece?” That one caught GhoulSpawn off guard. He couldn’t help laughing. “How are YOU a masterpiece?”

“Do you realize how many Humans I have killed?”

“I wasn’t counting.”

“Humans are not constantly gathering themselves into adventuring parties, marching their way up to my wizard’s tower — ”

“It’s a lighthouse.”

“ — armed to the teeth with fancy weapons and steel plate armour, to try to lop off my head just for the fun of it you know?”

“I don’t know, kind of got the impression they were making a game out of coming up here in groups of five every few weeks. You’d think they playing Dungeons and Dragons.”

“Humans call me the big boss mastermind super villain, because I am completely undefeatable. I call it being a masterpiece. I am work of art — ”

“Well, you’re certainly a work of something all right — ”

“Glinta! You keep interrupting my pontificating! I want three more bushels of lemons for that.”

“I should get a medal of honour for being your apprentice.”

“You shall get back to work, is what you will get.” Quaraun loudly sucked through his straw, trying to catch the last drop of lemon juice in the bottom. “Unicorn! My drink is empty again! How am I to plan my next defense against the next group of Humans who trespass if I have nothing to drink while I think?”

BoomFuzzy, meanwhile, was setting up a makeshift kitchen under a vine-draped pergola. His steampunk goggles magnified his silver-clouded eyes as he worked, slicing lemons with his glass bladed obsidian knife. The tart, zesty scent filled the air as juice dripped into a crystal pitcher.

“UNICORN!” Quaraun yelled. “My drink!”

“Aye, Love, I hear ya.”

“What is taking so long?”

“Ya’d think you was the King around here.”

“I heard that!”

“I intended ya too!”

“Why is it taking so long?”

“Lemons are magical,” BoomFuzzy declared, his voice warm and gruff. “Ya can do so much with ’em. Lemonade, lemon curd, lemon tarts, lemon cake… Oh, the cake, love, with layers o’ sweet cream and that zingy bite. Perfect for a party—or for bribin’ a tight arsed grumpy Elf to behave.”

Quaraun raised an eyebrow but said nothing, though a faint blush crept into his pale cheeks.

“And don’t forget lemon pound cake,” BoomFuzzy continued, zesting a lemon with practiced ease. “Soft, fluffy, glazed with drizzle of melted powdered sugar. Ya could eat a whole loaf yarself if yar ain’t careful.”

Quaraun smiled faintly.

“You have done that before.”

“Aye, and I regret nothin’,” BoomFuzzy said with a mischievous grin.

GhoulSpawn clambered down the ladder, wiping his brow with a big bright yellow silk handkerchief.

“You make it sound like lemons can solve all of life’s problems.”

“They can’t solve ’em all,” BoomFuzzy said, pouring fresh lemon juice into the pitcher and adding a generous scoop of sugar. “But they make the ones ya’ve got a wee bit easier to bear. Besides, life’s sour enough without some sweetness to balance it out.”

BoomFuzzy stirred the mixture with a wooden spoon, the clinking of ice against glass a soothing rhythm in the warm, citrus-scented air. Then he poured a glass and handed it to GhoulSpawn.

“Here. Taste that. Perfect balance, just like life should be.”

GhoulSpawn took a cautious sip, his yellow pleco eyes widening slightly.

“That’s… really good.”

BoomFuzzy winked.

“Told ya.”

Quaraun watched the exchange with a hint of amusement, then set his empty glass on the small table beside him.

“Unicorn, my drink is STILL empty.”

BoomFuzzy glanced over and chuckled.

“What am I, yar servant?”

“No. My husband,” Quaraun replied with a faintly smug smile.

“Same difference,” BoomFuzzy muttered.

He filled another glass with lemonade and carried it to Quaraun. As he handed it over, BoomFuzzy leaned down to kiss the Elf’s forehead, his rough fingers brushing against Quaraun’s smooth cheek.

“You’re lucky yar pretty,” BoomFuzzy teased, earning a soft huff from Quaraun. “You couldn’t get away with ordering the King of the UnSeelie Court around otherwise. Ya know that right?”

“I outrank you.”

“How did ya wee ditzy pink jellyfish brain come up with that logic?”

“I am your Court Mage, taking advice from me is what you do as King.”

“Aye.”

“You take orders from me. Therefore I outrank you. Also, I was born royalty. My father’s older brother was the Emperor. You were born a peasant. You are gruff unruly war Lord who took your crown by force.”

“Ya do realize any other king would have nailed ya fool head to the wall for saying such things?”

“But you would not. And so I outrank you.”

“I got half a mind to dump this lemonade over ya head.”

“Do it,” GhoulSpawn said.

“Glinta,” Quaraun snapped. “I thought I told you three more bushels? You want me to make it ten?”

GhoulSpawn sighed and moved the ladder to the next tree.

The afternoon passed in a lazy rhythm of work and conversation. BoomFuzzy busied himself with making lemon curd, the thick, golden mixture simmering gently over a flame. He added butter and sugar, stirring with care, his voice taking on a dreamy tone as he spoke.

“Now, lemon meringue pie, that’s a work o’ art,” he said. “A flaky crust, sweet curd, and a cloud o’ meringue browned just enough to give it that toasted marshmallow flavour. Aye, that’ll make any meal feel like a feast.”

“Are you planning to bake a pie today?” Quaraun asked, his tone hopeful.

BoomFuzzy shook his head.

“Not today, love. But soon. For now, y’ll have to settle fer lemon curd on biscuits.”

“I suppose I can manage,” Quaraun said with a dramatic sigh, though the sparkle in his glistening blue eyes betrayed his delight.

GhoulSpawn, seated on a nearby stool, watched the two with a mixture of amusement and envy. He loved Quaraun. But he knew Quaraun would never love him the way Quaraun loved BoomFuzzy.

“You two are ridiculous,” he said, though there was no real bite to his words.

“Aye, but we’re happy,” BoomFuzzy replied, slathering a dollop of lemon curd onto a biscuit and handing it to Quaraun.

The ancient Moon Elf took a bite, his eyes closing as the tangy sweetness melted on his tongue. The buttery biscuit was the perfect complement, and for a moment, all his usual fussiness melted away.

“This is divine,” Quaraun murmured, opening his eyes to gaze at BoomFuzzy. “You truly are the greatest chef in the world.”

BoomFuzzy grinned, leaning down to kiss him again.

“And yis the most spoiled Elf I’ve ever met.”

“Says The Elf Eater of Pepper Valley. You know I am the only Elf you ever met that you did not eat?”

“Aye. Yis too pretty to eat.”

The three of them spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying the fruits of their labor—lemonade, biscuits with lemon curd, and plans for the lemon cakes and lemon pies BoomFuzzy would make in the days to come.

As the artificial sun began to dim, casting the BioDome in a soft golden glow, Quaraun leaned against BoomFuzzy’s sturdy frame, his silver jellyfish tentacle hair spilling over both of them like moonlight.

“Unicorn?” he said.

“Aye, love?”

“I do not say it often enough, but… you make my life sweeter.”

BoomFuzzy’s grin softened, and he wrapped an arm around Quaraun, holding him close.

“And ya make mine brighter, JellyElf.”

GhoulSpawn groaned loudly, though his smile betrayed his good humor.

“I’m leaving if you two start kissing again.”

“Oh, hush,” BoomFuzzy said, tossing a lemon at him. “Ye know ya love watchin’ us.”

“I actually do.”

Laughter filled the grove, mingling with the citrusy air, and for a little while, the harsh world beyond the BioDome was forgotten.

This story is published in:

• Three Wizards, Cozy In the Apocalypse

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Includes the following stories: Lanterns Over the Faerie Glen Spacious Space The Pond’s Invitation Gloom Blob of Doom: The Dreadful Dripping of the Doom Blob of Gloom The Sweet and Sour of Lemons The Boat Fiasco Five Ways To Save Money in Las Vegas The Book in the Brook and the Minnows Who Found It There, a Poem by Quaraun the Last Moon Elf The Wand Mishap One River In Three Perspectives Bluejay I Think, So I Exist Oyster Mushroom Harvest on a Rotting Log Forest Kings and Their Antler Crowns Cattail Pollen Spaghetti with Wild “Oregano” Sautéed Mushrooms and Diced Tomatoes Served with Poutine, Naturally Lord of the Hive The Comfort Found in a Hearty Winter Tomato Stew Golden Field, Pink Glories Truly creative things happen when one thinks differently, yet nobody wants to think differently Pink Marabou Trimmed Rainbow Leg Warmers, a Purple Feathered Black Leather Codpiece, and an Emerald Green Overly Fluffy Scarf The Mischief of the Purple Unicorn Frostbound Legends: Harvesting Apples in the Rain Jibber Jabber Ramblings by the Fire The Sandcastles at Twilight The Heirloom The Crooked Dice Sounds In The Night Shadows and Fog Gladsomeness

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The 2nd 500 Story Challenge: Story #057 OF 500 | This work of fiction is a part of a long-running series of novels, novellas, short stories, and poetry. (Known as The Adventures of Quaraun the Insane, formerly known as The Twighlight Manor Series). I have been writing & publishing it since 1978 (50th anniversary coming in 2028!) spanning over 3k published works.

The Pink Necromancer, Moon Elf silk weaver & merchant: Quaraun on Noodle Beach. His master chef Phooka turned Lich husband: BoomFuzzy with his 1968 VW Bus Beach Noodle Food Truck. And their on again/off again mad scientist Sheep Demon lover: GhoulSpawn with his 1974 AMC Gremlin time machine. Time Travel setting swings back and forth between 40th century Maine after a comet hit the moon decimating the planet, and the 1970s, Maine. Quaraun in the main character, he and BoomFuzzy are a married gay couple. GhoulSpawn is their shared live-in lover. Art by Wendy Christine Allen.

BoomFuzzy King Gwallmaiic aka BoomFuzzy the Unicorn: Quaraun's husband, BoomFuzzy aka King Gwallmaiic, a Scottish Phooka, who is King of The UnSeelie Court. Quaraun is his court mage and advisor, as well as the only Elf in The UnSeelie Court. BoomFuzzy is a "classic fantasy type" Necromancer who uses sorcery to raise the dead. Being a Faerie he is also an illusionist and master of trickster magic. By profession, he is a Master Chef, owning the global monopoly on restaurants, taverns, pubs, and food trucks. Until his death, BoomFuzzy was regarded as the world's most powerful wizard. He is now a Lich. BoomFuzzy is also half-Human. His mother was a Mongolian/Chinese Human, which is why he wears distinctively Asian outfits, along with a great kilt worn as a cape. Known as BoomFuzzy the Unicorn, he often takes the form of a purple Unicorn. BoomFuzzy's exact age is unknown, though he was well over two thousand years old at the time of his death, and Quaraun resurrected him as a Lich around 500+ years ago, making him close to 3,000 years old. In his BlackBird form he is fifteen thousand years old. Art by Wendy Christine Allen

Quaraun Quaraun the Insane aka The Pink Necromancer: The F2M transgender Persian Moon Elf main character: The Pink Necromancer, Quaraun The Insane, with BoomFuzzy the Unicorn. F2M for those unaware = Quaraun was biologically born female, but transitioned to live as a male; this is why there are stories where Quaraun is sometimes pregnant, in spite of being male and using he/him male pronouns. Quaraun is a Necromancer by the actual dictionary definition of the word, meaning he is a psychic medium who sees and hears ghosts, and uses tarot, spirit boards, and seances to communicate with the dead. By profession he is a silk weaver/tailor/silk merchant. Quaraun is an Elder God JellyFish who takes the form of an Elf to blend in with society. His 12 foot long hair is made out of venomous, stinging jellyfish tentacles. Quaraun is BoomFuzzy's apprentice and regarded as the world's most powerful still living wizard. Quaraun's exact age is unknown, but he is somewhere around 750 years old. In his SunTa form he is twelve thousand years old. The Scared Pink JellyFish that lives in him, is stated to being over two million years old. Art by Wendy Christine Allen

Main characters: The Pink Necromancer, Quaraun (A Moon Elf) and his husband King Gwallmaiic aka BoomFuzzy aka The Elf Eater of Pepper Valley, Lich King of Fire Mountain (A Phooka/Faerie).

BoomFuzzy is King of The UnSeelie Court;

Quaraun is his Court Mage;

GhoulSpawn (not pictured) is Quaraun’s apprentice.

They are the world’s three most evil super villains, though they do not see themselves as evil. They own the world’s only functioning BioDome and thus hold the world’s monopoly on crops, food, livestock, and fabric, holding the Human population at their sadistic mercy.

These stories are told from their point of view.

 — — Art by Wendy Christine Allen

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