"Why are we waiting?" ZooLock asked Unicorn.
"Me Elf is picking flowers."
"Yes, but, why?"
"ZooLock, has it not occurred to ya, yea be in chains?"
"Yes. My freedom is taken from me. I am deeply aware of this."
"Then what makes ya t'inks ya can sit here jabbering at me?"
"You are the one holding my chains."
"That makes you to person for me to talk to."
"I eats Thullids. The only reason I holding ya chains instead wrapping then round ya neck and stranggling ya with 'em, is cause me Elf says him does wants ya alive. If it were left to me, ya'd already be in me belly."
"Do you really eat Thullids?"
"Ya tasts delicious. I eats Elves un ya be squid flavoured Elf."
ZooLock was about to respond to this, but his train of thought was interrupted when Quaraun suddenly came bounding out of the field, jumping around excitedly like a drunk gazelle.
"Delicious autumn!" Quaraun cried out. "My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns."
The high High Elf ran off into the tall grass.
"What is he doing?" ZooLock asked as he watched the Elf run in circles, his arms outstretched.
"I t'inks him being a bird in search of autumn," Unicorn answered. "Just like him did said him were gayynna do."
Quaraun suddenly stopped running.
"Polar bears!" Quaraun yelled, then turned around and ran out of the field screaming like a terrified little girl.
"Ah, polar bears," Unicorn mused. "Ya can never see 'em through the snow. O'course, t'ere be no snow here. And no polar bears. Ya seeing t'ings again, Quaraun."
"Ah! My brain... my... gah! It hurts!" Quaraun threw himself on the ground and continued screaming. "Make it stop!"
"Ah," Unicorn said looking down at the drugged Elf. "I see ya've set aside this special time to humiliate yarself in public."
"Make it stop!" Quaraun continued to scream, now holding his fists to his temples and squeezing his eyes shut. "The eggs are burning my brain out. Make it stop!"
"Eggs?" Unicorn asked.
"Eggs?" ZooLock muttered to himself as he toddled over to look down at the screaming Elf.
"My head's full of eggs," the Elf wailed desperately. "They're going to hatch and destroy my face."
"You're short," Quaraun said looking down at Unicorn, who was standing over him.
"Ahya. I knows I is. I shorter then Drawves. Only Gnomes un Pixies is shortering then me."
Quaraun stared up at the sky and began humming.
"Where'd the moon go?"
"It day time."
"I like the moon."
"I'm a Moon Elf."
"Why don't I live on the moon."
"I t'inks ya is right now."
"We should go to the moon."
The high, High Elf closed his eyes and began humming again.
"Quaraun?" Unicorn interrupted Quaraun's thoughts.
"There's polar bears on the moon."
"Every t'ing pink with ya, Quaraun."
"I need a moon dragon."
"What about Pocket Lich?"
"Everything's getting brighter."
"Ya eyes is closed."
"Quaraun?" Unicorn interrupted Quaraun's thoughts again. "What for has happened to ya?"
"I got all these colourful sparkles mixed in with the encroaching darkness," Quaraun said.
"Colours are attacking my senses," Quaraun wailed, holding his hands over his eyes.
"Colours can'na attack ya," Unicorn answered, trying not to sound as annoyied as he was feeling just then. "What'd ya take, Quaraun?"
Quaraun started screaming hysterically.
"It's all too much," he wailed.
Quaraun was crying now, though he didn't know why.
"Aye," Unicorn agreed, not sure exactly what it was he was agreeing to. "Ya supposed to let me process it before ya takes it. Ya stupid dolyt."
"I need to find a dark place to lay down." Quaraun didn't seem to be aware of the fact that he was laying down. "Very dark. Dark and quiet. Very quiet place to lie down."
"Ya knows ya is already laying down right?" Unicorn asked.
"Am I?" Quaraun opened his eyes and stared up at the sky.
"Aye, right in the middle of the road."
"Look!" Quaraun exclaimed pointing up as an even more terrifing realization hit him. "The sun's up there!"
"Oh fucking titties! Yep. There she is," Unicorn nodded. "Exactly where she supposed to be."
"How'd it get up there?" Quaraun asked. His voice trembled with fear.
"A Sun Elf flew up there and hung it on a hook in one of the clouds," Unicorn spoke in his usual, jesting way. ""He went Shabbooshkie! And stuck it to the top of a t'ee. It keeps falling off so they had to tac it up there with the clouds to keep it in place. But the Sun Elf it was just too much for him to keep doing it over and over again. 'So I got to not fucking break my god dam fucking legs!' Him did cry. That why the birds is up there singing. 'Woooo-heee, hell yeah!' Cause the more they sing, the higher the clouds fly. Eventually it'll be high enough to reach the moon, and then you Moon Elves can live on it. But the Cookie Elves they no like the sun up there because it over bakes their cookies, so Santa Claus, he came with his eight tiny fkying Rain Demons and they kicked the Sun back out of the sky. And one little Moon Elf came along and said 'Oooh, pick me! I want to stab Santa!' And that's how the sun fell out of the sky, but now the Sun Elves put it back up there, see?"
Quaraun's voices indicated that he believed every word of the lie Unicorn had just told.
"Why do you do that too him?" ZooLock asked.
"I was being sarcastic," Unicorn stated.
"I know that, but he doesn't know that. Look at his eyes! They are as big as the moon right now. What the hell did you give him?"
"I did nae gives him nothing yet."
Unicorn tried to pull Quaraun back up to his feet. That lasted a few seconds before they both fell down. Quaraun landing on top of Unicorn in a rather awkwardly sexual position.
"Ahh.. hello there...," Unicorn crooned seductivly. "Such a tender romanctic moment. I does nae t'ink I needed a prostrate exam. Ya want to suck me dick while ya down there?"
"Okay," the spaced out Elf answered.
"Eh?" Unicorn looked down at the Elf. "Well that were unexpected. Ya does no have to ya know. Though I will no stops ya iffy ya did. Heheh. Yas good at sucking me dick."
A black stillness echoed through Quaraun's mind. He felt as though he was falling endlessly deeper into a black hole.
"I should nae takes advantage of ya whiles ya not intending it, eh?" Unicorn crawled out from under Quaraun.
Quaraun was usually drugged out of his mind just before bed time, an intentional and mutually consensual ritual the two of them had, in their nightly ritual games of rapist and victim. Quaraun liked being sexually molested by the Phooka, but he did go into it planning on losing control of his senses and being made a sex slave to the Fae King. Just now however, Quaraun was somehow drugged by unknown means and Unicorn was uncertain how willing the Elf really was for sex games in daylight with an audience.
"Ya t'ink ya can stands up?" Unicorn asked the sick Elf.
"Ain't I?" Quaraun asked.
Quaraun stopped looking at the sun and turned his head to look at Unicorn.
"You're laying down," Quaraun said to the Faerie. "I am standing up."
"Nope." Unicorn crouched down to look at Quaraun, eye to eye. "Ya not be standing."
"What am I doing?" Quaraun asked, his voice filled with confusion.
"Laying on ya back in the middle of the road."
"Why am I doing that?"
"I does not know. Ya tells me."
Unicorn waited for a response, but didn't get one.
"Ya no clue where ya is, is ya?"
"Does ya know how ya gots down here in the dirt?"
"Ya knows ya is getting ya dress dirty, right?"
Quaraun closed his eyes and started humming softly to himself.
"Oh, crapper fuck," Unicorn muttered. "Him oot enough to not be bothered by hims dress getting dirty. What the frick did he take?"
"I see rainbows!" The Elf suddenly exclaimed, pointing up to the sky, without opening his eyes.
"I'll bet ya does. We'll all be eating butterflies and pooping rainbows soon if ya keeps this up."
"We shouldn't leave him laying in the road like this," ZooLock said.
"Help me, help him up," Unicorn said to ZooLock.
"Why do you need help?"
"Oh, go eat ten dicks," Unicorn scowled at ZooLock. "I does nae want to argue withs ya, right now."
"I'm not arguing with you," the squid priest said. "I just don't see why you need help. You're stronger then an entire Human village combined."
"It nothing to do with streangth. Him needs someone tall enough to steady him, sos him can walk. If ya had no noticed, as short as he is, I a whole foot shorter then him. I barely five feet tall!"
The squid headed priest beast and the Phooka, got the ill Moon Elf back on his feet.
"My head is pulsating," Quaraun moaned, soon as they had him upright. "I need to lay down for a little while."
"Aye, but not here, we need to find ya some place safe. We is out in the open here."
"Unicorn?" ZooLock asked timidly.
"Does he always talk about eggs in his head like that?"
"Not that I can recalls. How come for?"
"Is there a way to get him to stop talking this stuff for a while?"
Unicorn shook his head.
"You give it to him. You could simply not give it to him any more."
"I dids nae give him t'is one. Not sure what him took. Some t'ing him did pick out in the field. Mushroom maybe? Morning Glories? Does nae know. I can no stops him from taking stuff. It why I give him stuff. Give him somet'ing I knows will nae hurt him. Avoids him taking stuff on him own that could kills him. Safer t'at way."
"Will it hurt the eggs?"
"What? Yar daft as him be."
"Oh no, any eggs of the Sacred Pink JellyFish must be protected at all costs."
"There is no eggs in hims head, him high on... Something. I dids no see what him tooks."
Unicorn and ZooLock helped Quaraun walk. The road was getting wider. The forest getting denser. Small patches of swamp land rose up to either side. Grey, decayed deadwood tree rising up out of their watery graves, surrounded by tall towering pines on all sides. The orange, reds, and yellows of the autumn maples and oaks, offset the vast walls of green pine needles stabbing the horizon. The way the road twisted and shifted in loops, they couldn't tell if they were moving closer to the coast or farther from it. As the road wound up the side of a mountain, the walking became more and more difficult for Quaraun. With his leg wounded and his head full of scattered nonsense, Unicorn and ZooLock found it difficult to guide the Elf up the steadily rising road.
"We need to stop," ZooLock said to Unicorn. "He needs to stop. Her ladyship needs rest."
The squid pointed a few tentecals at the sick Elf.
"Who the fuck are ya?" Unicorn snarled. "Ya t'nks I does nae know this?"
"Then why won't you stop?"
"Because there is no not one place near by heres to stop. Him injured. Them HellHounds bit up him leg, remember? And now him got who knows what messing up him mind. We is sitting ducks out in the open."
"Sitting ducks?" ZooLock stopped walking and looked at the desnse forest surrounding them as far as his bulging squidy eyes could see. "For what? There's no one for miles."
"Oh, shitballs! Ya un yar damned tentecals of doom! Opening ya fricking fish eyes. There is always someone un ya said yarself, we must protect him. Eh? Did ya not just say so just this morning?"
"I did. I did. I said exactly that. Especially now with the eggs. They makes it even more important. You are right. Protecting the Sacred Pink Jelly Fish must be our number one top priority. Her eggs must not be harmed. Nothing else matters."
"Well then, we does nae stop here. I does no sence this place is safe. We move on."
After about a quarter of a mile of uphill walking, they came to a leveled off area. Before them the road forked. At the center of the fork, was a small island of dune grass, at the center of which stood a tall wooden sign post, with many carved wooden signs up and down it, each pointing in different direction.
Unicorn stopped to read the signs, leaning Quaraun on the post. The Moon Elf quickly clasped his arms around the post and clung to it as if terrified he was about to fall off a cliff.
"What it says?" Unicorn asked at last.
"I thought you just read them?" ZooLock said.
"Yeah, eat dick ya tentecaled bag of fuck! I can no reads."
"You can't read?"
Unicorn shrugged his shoulders.
"You can't read?" ZooLock said again.
"Nope," Unicorn stated.
"I am stunned by this revilation!" The squid head priest waved several tenicles to emphasise his shock. "Wizarding requires centuries of studying!"
"Humans rarely know magic arts because they lack a long enough life span to absorb all the knowledge there was to learn."
You are a two thousand year old Faerie! It is preposterous to think that an illiterate wizard was even a possibabilty, let alone a wizard of your level of power."
"Ya acknowledes me as a wizard, eh?"
"You are the Great King Gwallmaiic. Necromancer warroir king. Greatest Necromancer of all time. Until herlandyship came along. It's not possible that you can't read."
"Bubbidy, buddidi, boom, baddaboshkie. Can'na read a blooming t'ng. It frustrating as tits."
"Aren't you supposed to be Gwallmaiic, King of the Faeries, Elf Eater of Pepper Valley, Leader of the Lich Lords?"
"Yep. That be me. Illiterate King of the Faeries."
Quaraun was slowly sinking to the ground, while still tightly hugging the sign post as if his life depended upon it. Unicorn grabbed Quaraun and pulled him back upright.
"Stay!" Unicorn commanded, pushed Quaraun against the sign post.
"You wrote volumes on Necromancy," ZooLock continued. "And the Dark Arts and Demonology and ... no wait... you didn't write about Demons... who was that?"
"Me wrote them books when me was alive."
"And now you are an undead Lich with all of immortallity to read and learn even more magic and gain greater powers..."
"It does no work that way."
"What do you mean it doesn't work that way?"
"I mean, here I is a Lich and I can no remembers how to read or write. It just like me natural instinct was to kill ya, but I dose nae know why I needs to be killing ya. Just like I does nae knows why me Elf be not letting me be killing ya. And just like that I can nae reads. Sorry. It way it is."
"Do you suggest all Liches are illiterate?"
"All ones I met is."
Unicorn grabbed Quaraun by the pink, rhinstone jeweled collar around his neck.
"I ought ta put a leash on ya. Wonder if I got some rope? What am I saying, ya has everything."
Unicorn leaned the tipsy Elf against the signpost again, then took Quaraun's bag of holding and began rumaging around in it looking for some rope.
ZooLock looked up at the posts and read the nurmous signs out loud.
"Duck Brook. Were you not just talking about ducks?"
"Yes, you said we were sitting like ducks."
"Aye." Unicorn looked around at the wide open space they were standing in, here at the crossroads. "We is more sitting duck right now too. Oot here in der open like t'is, never be good t'ng to be doing. Which way be Duck Pond?"
"Brook," ZooLock corrected.
Unicorn wasn't paying attention. He was too busy trying to decide which of the ropes he had found would be best suited for putting Quaraun on a leash.
"It says Duck Brook."
"Pond. Brook. Whatever. Same differance. Water be water. Which way be it?"
Quaraun was slidding back down to the ground again. Unicorn again stood him back up and propped him against the sign post.
"I said STAY, now STAY!" He ordered.
Quaraun slid back down to the ground. The Elf was almost unconscious by this point. Unicorn stepped back and stared at the woozy Elf, then at the rope in his hand, and then stared at the sign post.
"Well, fuck, I been doing it the wrong way."
Unicorn tied Quaraun's hands to the signs on the post, and let the Elf hang their by his wrists.
"There! Now ya can'na fall over!"
"You're gonna hurt him," ZooLock said.
"Nah. Him used to it. I ties him up in trees all de time. Him love getting him arse poked while him hanging in trees. It him favourite t'ing. Him like being fucked whilst him be restrained?"
"Black Bear Brook, seems to be that way..." ZooLock pointed a slimy pink tentecal down one of the dirt roads, ignoring what Unicorn had said.
"Black Bear?" Unicorn was puzzled. "Did ya not just say Duck a minute ago?"
"Yes, one says Duck Brook and the other says Black Bear Brook."
"Which brook do we want?"
"There is no Witch Brook. But Witch Pond is that way."
"I did nae say Witch Brook, I asked which brook for we is to go to!"
"Well there is no Witch Brook and Witch Pond is that way."
"Does we want to go to a place named after witches?"
"Do you have something against witches?"
"I were murdered by a witch."
"I thought you commit suicide?"
"That was the first time I died. When Quaraun resurected me as a Lich. Second time I died I was killed by a Lich Hunter Witch who knew how to make Liches stay dead. Cut me clean in two. Ran off with me entrails, tossed 'em all over shit. That when Quaraun bring me back as a Vampire. Now I is VampiLich."
The rope on Quaraun's wrists came lose and the Elf suddenly fell down to the ground again.
"Well, shit balls, I did nothing correctly," Unicorn scolded himself as he dragged Quaraun back to his feet again.
"Why don't you just let him lay on the ground, while we figure out where we are going?"
"Eh?" Unicorn dropped Quaraun on the ground and walked over him. "Okay. Where is we going?"
Quaraun tried to stand up on his own this time and quickly grabbed hold of the sign post.
"The ground is moving," the sick Elf moaned.
"Green Mountain is over there," ZooLock said.
Unicorn stared up at the mountain behind them. They were only at the foot of it. Unicorn looked back over at Quaraun. He was still holding on to the sign post but was now vomiting uncontrolably.
"I does no be t'inging Quaraun in any condition to be climbing the mountain just now. Him vomiting him guts out. Him need a place where him can lays down and sleep off whatever bad trip him having."
"There's one here called Great Meadow," ZooLock suggested. "Perhaps he could lay down in the nice cool grass. Ease his stomach. If it were tall enough we could all hide in it and not be as you say sitting duck. Great Meadow is that way. I think. Looks to be same road as Witch Pond."
"Ya t'ink some'ne that pink can hides?"
"Does they say anyt'ng of how far away they be?"
Unicorn tossed a worried glance at Quaraun. The Elf shivered with chill and fatigue, he appeared tired and haggard, his face pale and looking dreadfully ill.
"I t'nks Quaraun at end of him ability to walk much farther. And now him be vomiting his guts out...again."
"There's Beaver Dam Pond down that way. Same road as Witch Pond." ZooLock continued reading the signs. "And Sand Beach is that way, about a mile back, acording to this sign."
"Ya big dick! Quaraun can'na walk a mile like this. Him can no even stand up. What is closet?"
"You said cloest."
"No I did not."
"Yes you did."
"Ya ain't hearing me right."
"You aren't talking right."
"Find safe place to take me Elf before I rips ya head off."
"Otter Cliff, Otter Point, and Otter Cove," ZooLock went on. "There must be an over abundance of otter around here. The Thunder Hole? I wonder what that coulde be? Hunter's Beach seems to be the same road as the Otter and the Thunder Hole."
"If it somet'ng to do with thunder, it probably too loud for Quaraun right now. Him sences on overload. And we probably want to avoid, Hunter's Beach. Quaraun is too ill as it is. Don't want to risk him getting killed by hunters."
"Bubble Pond. That sound nice. Bubble Pond," ZooLock said letting the words roll off his tounge. "Bubble Rock Trail, doesn't sound quiet so pleasent as Bubble Pond does, though. And another brook. Deer Brook. There certainly are a lot of these named after furry creatures."
"Are there many more of those things?" Unicorn asked. He hadn't expected ZooLock to take so long reading them, and was growing impaitent.
"Pretty Marsh Picnic Area. Can a marsh be pretty?"
"We Phookas t'ink they is."
"You also enjoy eating Elves."
"Un ya Thullids does nae?"
"We do not eat Elves. We use their bodies to house our young. That's different."
"Ah. I see."
"Bass Harbour Lighthouse. A lighthouse could possibly be a safe place to stay for a bit, except it says 3 miles on the sign. That's a few days walk with him like this."
"Pick some place near by."
"How do I know what's near by?"
"I can see numbers on the signs. Pick a low number."
"Little Moose Island. Are the Moose little or is the lake little but filled with Moose?"
"Yes, yes, I hear you. Pipe down. I'm still reading them. Perhaps then we should go to Eagle Lake?"
"Eagle Lake, sounds big and dangerous. Quaraun is small Elf with small dick. Him like small t'ings. And him no like the danger."
"Well that was the last sign. YOU, pick one."
"Quaraun," Unicorn pulled the Elf back to his feet. "Pick one. Where ya wants to go?"
"Witch Pond," Quaraun answered dreamily. "Shabbooshkie!"
"Witch Pond? Why Witch Pond?"
"It sounds niiice," Quaraun slid down to his knees again, then fell over face first, asleep on the dune grass, with his bum up in the air.
"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Suck a dick, fuck! Now him out cold," Unicorn complaned. "Help me get him back up. We is gonna has to carry him rest of way."
"Where are we going to?"
"Witch Pond I guess."
"Are you sure you want to go to a place haunted by witches?"
"Who the fuck said anything about it were being haunted?"
"Don't witches haunt swamps?"
"You fucking penis headed cock ass!"
"What did I say?"
"Ghosts and giests haunt things, not witches."
"What if it's the ghost of a witched, murdered in these swamps long ago?"
"Quaraun says we is heading towards Witch Pond, sos we is head towards Witch Pond. We does no question our Elf any more, remember? Yar orders. Now make that ass clap and get going!"
"Is he in any condition to be telling us which way to go?"
Unicorn looked down at the Elf, still slumped face down, asleep on the ground.
"No! Fucking tits! Him not even awake just yet."
"You said yet. You meant now."
"Will ya stop correcting everyt'ings I says!"
"You're Elvish is terrible. I don't know how Quaraun tolerates it."
"And yet yis the one in chains."
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"I free. You prisoner. I do as I wants. Ya does as ya tolds."
"I am only in chains, because her ladiship desires it to be so."
"Ya knows him does nae likes ya calling him his ladyship."
"Yes. But he's passed out and I'm awake. You're logic."
"ZooLock...I will pull out yar heart, stuff it with acorns, un leave it for the squirrels, if ya does nay stop annoying me. And way Quaraun be right nows. Him can nae help ya.".
"You are so violent, Gwallmaiic. So very violent. You need to learn to meditate like Quaraun does."
"Like him doing right now ya means?"
ZooLock looked down at the High Elf, who was no longer high and fast crashing into deeper fits of nightmares.
"Well, no. Not like that. We need to get him off that habit. What if the hell hounds had come at us with him like this?"
"I simply chop them up. Only reason I does no go chopping up more t'ings is him will'na lets me."
"I still feel there is no reason for you to be so violent."
"Un yar is being a wee bit unrealistic iffy ya t'inks ya can gets by in this line of business withoot hurting no body."
"I just think you are too violent."
"Yis a Thullid. Yar whole damned race known for killing all life."
"I am a Di'Jinn priest. My purose is to serve her ladyship."
"Keep going as ya is now un yar purpose will be getting a boot up yar arse."
This novel was originally written on: 2014 - 2016
This page last updated on: April 17, 2017