GhoulSpawn glanced down at Quaraun. The Elf had not yet gotten back up and GhoulSpawn wondered if he was even going to.
"I'm fine," Quaraun muttered.
"What just happened?"
"I used the wrong wand."
"Yes. Happens frequently."
"You're an idiot."
"How the hell did you get to be the most powerful wizard on the planet?"
"I killed Gibedon."
"So? Any body could have done that."
"He was the most powerful wizard on the planet."
"Is that really the only reason people are scared of you?"
"Apparently. I can't think of any other reason."
"I'm more powerful then you."
"You're bigger then me."
"Size has nothing to do with it."
"You're stronger then me."
"Everyone's stronger then you. You're a whimp."
"You're not even a wizard."
"I'm a Chaos Wizard."
"You're an Alchemist."
"I'm that too. I'm also a scientist. I was also born in 1974 and I'm stuck here with you in 14 whatever the hell year this is!"
"I remember it once being 1458."
"And how long ago was that?"
Quaraun silently thought for a moment.
"Three hundred years ago?"
"If it was 300 years ago, this would be the 1700s and this is most certainly not the 1700s."
"I don't know. I can't count."
"You can't count?"
"I don't know maths."
"You're the world's most powerful wizard and you can't do math?"
"How do you do anything with magic, without math?"
"You don't need maths for magic."
"Yes you do."
"No you don't. I've never used it."
"That would be why your wand just blew up in your face. Math would have solved the problem. Using the correct equations, prevents things like this from happening."
"No. Not reaching into my bag blindly and pulling out the wrong wand, prevents things like this from happening."
"Are you gonna get back up?"
"It's quite comfortable down here."
"How are you the world's most powerful wizard?"
"You already asked that."
"And you gave me a stupid answer."
"I gave you the correct answer. And I never said I was a powerful wizard. I don't use magic often. I try to avoid using magic."
"That's for sure."
"You're a wizard, why don't you use magic more often?"
"Because I'm trying to keep a low profile. I don't exactly belong here in the 1400s and every thing I do while I'm here changes history, which I'm trying not to do."
Quaraun didn't answer. GhoulSpawn looked to Unicorn, hoping he'd say something useful, but he was just standing there grinning and holding back some secret thing he found to laugh about.
"What's your problem?" GhoulSpawn asked.
"It bemuses me dat whole fucking world is scared shitless of me sissy of an Elf here."
"Is he really the most powerful wizard in the world?"
"Aye. Him is."
"And he does things like this?"
GhoulSpawn pointed an accusing finger at the fallen Elf.
"Aye. Him stupid Elf."
"I'm not stupid," Quaraun said. "And I am the most powerful wizard out there."
"He's more powerful then you!" GhoulSpawn yelled at Quaraun and pointed to Unicorn
"Course I is," Unicorn answered. "I Elf Eater of Pepper Valley."
"You just said he was..."
"Him have more magic ability dan any one I ever knows. I is most powerful wizard world ever knew. I held dat title for centuries. Him come along un trap me in spell binding me too him. Now I can no use me magic. I must wait for him to give me permision to do magic. Him has power to contain me un no lets me use me magic no more. Him world most powerful wizard. Him stupid, eejit, clutz, but him very powerful stupid, eejit clutz."
Unicorn pointed to the blackened bunrt up, slime bubbling on the ground.
"Besides, him did what him set out to do. Even if him did do it wrong un it backfired in his face. Slimes is dead. So why ya complain?"
"Why do I complain? Oh I don't know, let me think... there's a hoard of pink feathered, zombie turkeys terrorizing Quebec..."
"I didn't mean to do that," Quaraun said.
"I know. That's my point. You're not the world's most powerful wizard, you're the world's most bumbling wizard. And I'm the one stuck with flying, pink finned, Elf eating goldfish following me every where I go. Hiding in clouds and trees, waiting to eat me like damned piranhas!"
"I'm sorry. I was resurrecting a flock of dead butterflies. I'm not sure how they turned into fish or why they latched on to following you."
"And, that's my point. You can't get your damned spells right. EVER!"
"The slimes are dead."
"Yes... only because of an error on your part." GhoulSpawn turned to Unicorn. "How do they rank wizards around here?"
"Ya mean here in Slushiville?" Unicorns asked.
"No. You know what I meant," GhoulSpawn yelled at Unicorn. "Stop trying to be stupid. You are are not stupid. Him? He's stupid. He's practically retarded. You? You're not. You have an intelligence like I don't know what. You are an evil mastermind, hell bent on destroying everything. You prance around all cute and cuddly to deceive people. You just pretend to be stupid because you're a deviated sneak, always plotting something up your sleeve..."
"Harvey?" Unicorn pulled a snarling, long toothed, vampire rabbit out of his sleeve and handed it to GhoulSpawn.
"Why are you trying to drive me crazy?"
"Ain't ya name GhoulSpawn de Crazed?"
"That is not my name!" GhoulSpawn was now yelling hysterically. "I don't have a name! I'm a half-Elf. No one thought I was worthy of being given a damned name!"
"So what! You got the worst potty mouth I've ever seen."
"Aye. I knows it. But ya does no swear. I t'inks I hit a nerve, if I can gets moral, unright, standing yis to swear."
"We are supposed to be looking for a portal out of this god forsaken place..."
"I t'inks dey got too much god here."
"...and he's laying on the ground..." GhoulSpawn pointed at Quaraun again.
"So, why don't you try to get him up?"
"Does ya know how hard it be to gets him ta stop walking un lays down?"
Unicorn sat down beside Quaraun.
"We can do wid a break."
"A break? HERE?"
"What wrong wid here?"
"We were just attacked by slimes."
"Aye. Un we gots world's most powerful wizard here to save up from them."
"He killed the slimes."
"Only by accident. Because he's an idiot!"
"I'm right here, you know," Quaraun said.
"SHUT UP!" GhoulSpawn yelled. He turned back to Unicorn. "Are you really under his control?"
"Aye. I is. I Lich. I dead t'ing. Him Necromancer."
"You're King Gwallmaiic."
"You're the Elf eater of Pepper Valley, Leader of the Lich Lords. Murderer of millions. You terrorized the world for 2,000 years."
"Aye. And now I slave to him."
"Him wicked much powerful wizard. Un I can tells ya why him does no use de magic much. It on 'count of it weaken him. It why him nay get back up yet. Him 'feared him will faint iffy he stand. When him pass out, de on me weaken. Iffy I were to fight it den, I could break free. I could kills him in hims sleep. Un go back to being de terror of de planet. Him does no much use magic to fight t'ings, 'causing him uses so much magic all day long, every day, just to keep me contained in a spell binding me to him, sos I can no hurt no one no more. Him is Lich Hunter un I is Lich dat can no die, sos him protecting de world, by keeping me contained, at huge physical sacrifice to hims own health. It why him so weak un sickly all de time. It wicked big spell him is casting to keep me bound to him. It killing him un him knows it. Dat him laying on ground now. Him is no fine. Him hurting. I can feel it. Him feels like him being torn apart, 'cause him tried to cast big spell on slimes, wid out taking big spell off me. Dat why him spells go wrong. Him can'na take focus off big spell on me to focus properly on ot'er spells."
"You're his prisoner?"
GhoulSpawn fell silent. He looked very scared. He watched Quaraun laying on the ground, not moving, not trying to get up. Then he looked back at the demonically, evil undead Phooka, sitting beside the fallen wizard and grinning minacilly.
"What would happen if the spell broke and you got free?"
"A Lich has no soul. No feelings. No emotions. No compassion. We feel not love not hate. We is just empty. Black holes into abyss. Desperate to regain feeling. Living only for de desire to have again, what we had in life. Killing every living t'ing which has, what we have no more. I only feel love for him, because he cut his soul in half un put half of it in me. I feel what he feels. He projects his emotions into me, that I may feel again, what I felt in life. He loved BoomFuzzy. De man I was, when I were alive. BoomFuzzy is dead now. I am de shadow, which followed him in life. T'at all a Lich is. Not de body. Not de soul. Just de shadow. If de spell broke. I go back to being empty shadow. Feeling nothing un sucking de life out of every living t'ing I touch, wit'er I want to or not."
"He's killing himself to sve the world from you."
"No. Him tore me soul from de darkest depths of Hell un keeping me shadow wid him, while him look for way to properly restore de life to his beloved BoomFuzzy. Him care not'ing for de world. Him woulds destroy de world if him thought it would bring me back to life. Him far more powerful t'an ya realize, un far more dangerous t'an ya could ever imagine. Everyt'ing un every one on t'is planet expendable, in hims pursuit to restore life to his BoomFuzzy."
"But you're right here. How are you not alive?"
"I undead. I cold dead t'ing wid no life in me. Cut off me head un keep on talking. I golem made of ice. I not real flesh. De real body of BoomFuzzy is carefully tucked away, waiting to be resurrected, to be reunited with this part of me here, dat speak to ya."
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