A summary of the book deemed too gay for old orchard beach, maine:
NOTE: This is Bizarro Yaoi Monster Porn and contains knotting.
A small, thin, sick, and very suicidally depressed, opium addicted, 300 year old Transvestite albino Moon Elf Necromancer, with an parasitic alien Jellyfish living in his brain and telling him what to do, and has white hair longer than Rapunzel's, and is wearing a pink sequin dress and a feather boa, has pointed ears a foot tall and 3 dozen ear rings in each, all connected by chains to the dozen more rings in his nose, and happens the be the most powerful wizard on the planet, but you don't want him pointing his wand at you because he can't lay off the drugs long enough to get his spells right, has just fled a Human Tavern, where he was mistaken by the Humans for being a 20-something female prostitute, and narrowly escaped a gang bang rape, but not before one of the Humans ran a sword through his belly. He was at the tavern to drink himself into an oblivion, because his lover had commit suicide.
Now terrified, wounded, on the run from a band of Humans, carrying a stolen DracoLich in his pocket that s bigger on the inside, higher then heck, and talking to a map that is talking back to him, the very high High Elf flees to the coast hoping to find a flying ship on which to leave the planet. Before he gets there however a massive storm rises out of no-where, forcing him to seek shelter in yet another tavern, this one called The Screaming Unicorn, and surrounded by giant pine trees that have up rooted and are walking around, while hundreds purple cartoon puppy dogs bound around for no reason. (I'll point out that this is the 1400's and The Screaming Unicorn tavern has a very 1970s neon bar sign that says “Screaming Unicorn” flashing in bold bright colours.)
88,589 / 33,000 words.
At The Screaming Unicorn, the Elf meets a 2,000 year old, drug dealing, candy making, poppy growing, shape-shifting Faerie Horse (a Phooka), known to the locals as The Screaming Unicorn. (In Scottish mythology a Phooka is the evil black version of a Unicorn, Unicorns always being good and white). The Elf, knowing that Phookas are notorious for their habit of eating everyone they meet, tries to leave only to find the tavern was never there, the whole thing was an illusion and he's now caught in the evil Fae's trap, as he realizes too late he's been tossed down an oubliette, which contains a bedroom fit for a porn star.
Two hundred years prior to this: The Elf's lover, a Faerie and fellow Necromancer killed himself in a Lich making ritual, that went horribly wrong. His lover's soul was lost in a burning hell dimension and his body reduced to bones. The Elf attempted to finish the spell to resurrect his lover as a Lich, but not yet being a Necromancer had no idea how to cast the spell, and sent his lovers soul to live in the body of an ice sculpture shaped like a unicorn. The ice golem vanished leaving the Elf alone with no idea how to find the soul of his dead lover. And the past 200 years he has spent his life travelling around the world, drinking in taverns and casting weird mismade spells to try to bring his lover back to life – and at some point, unknown to the Elf, it worked, his lover was resurrected as a demonic unicorn lich.
100,372 / 50,000 words.
327/ 160 pages.
Back at The Screaming Unicorn Tavern, the tavern has melted away and turned into the ruins of a castle, long ago crumbled away. The Elf, thinking himself mortally wounded, a failure as a wizard, and about to be eaten by a monster, simply gives up and waits for the Unicorn to kill him, not realizing the Unicorn is in fact his now undead resurrected lover.
The Unicorn realizing the Elf does not recognize him, not knowing the Elf has a serious injury, and still being angry because of a fight they had had just before he'd commit suicide, decides to tie the Elf up and torture him, which leads to anal sex with a monster that has four inch long thorns growing out of his Fresian stallion penis.
And that is the entire 271 page story reduced to a single page summary.