EelKat Wendy C Allen - Dark Fantasy Author


UPDATE March 17, 2021: Another death. Waiting for a coffin to be delivered. Funeral the 21st. Unlikely to be streaming for a few weeks.


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Update: March 27, 2021: It's not even been a week since the funeral, and now there is another death and another funeral.



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UPDATE April 5, 2021: There are still no streams, as, we've now a another (a 3rd) funeral to prepare for.


And that is now 3 deaths in our family, in the past 2 weeks.


This 3rd death hits hard, because it was Pippi.


Our family has now had 13 deaths since March 2020.








April 10, 2015, 12 children were kidnapped.

May 15, 2015, the heads of 10 of them were nailed to my door.

August 24, 2020, one was found still alive. he was just 4 years old when she was kidnapped, but she remembered us, even though 5 years had passed.

August 25, 2020, Pippi came home, but her condition was not well. She had been tortured the entirety of the 5 years she had been held hostage. She was missing limbs and covered with scars, had broken bones many years not set, and suffered serious damage to many of her internal organs. That she was alive at all, in her condition, was a miracle. Doctors had little hope of her survival and she was sent home with Hospice care.

Pippi had cancer in her eye and needed surgery for it, which she was scheduled to have, shortly before she was kidnapped.

In the years they had her, not only did they torture her, but her cancer went untreated and spread to her brain.

By the time she was returned to us, her cancer had reached an inoperable state, so we knew she did not have much time left.

Had her cancer been treated, back when she was a toddler, she probably would have reach adulthood.

She died only 8 months after her return.

Another child, to cry out from the grave, for Etiole's vengeance upon her murderers. Another victim of evil men, who will stoop to no ends, to bury the crimes they committed 50 years ago.  Drug lords. Opium growers. Heroine dealers. Selling little girls 4 to 8 years old for sex to priests. They only care about money.

All hail the mighty tourist ass. Millions come to Old Orchard Beach every year, for one thing and one thing only: heroine. They sell their drugs to the tourists under the pier and off the balconies of that giant motel. Than drag little girls to the bedrooms of the condominiums on Smithwheel Road, behind the school. And any child who dares open their mouth and beg for help, gets tossed in the GooseFare Brooke Ravine.

Bastard drug lords. They've been doing this for 50 years, and the town hall and the police department, turn a blind eye to it, because they get paid $6million a year to not report it to the newspapers, when the body of another child washes down the ravine, into the gulley to be spit out in the ocean. No fewer than 5 bodies are found every summer, but how often does it get in the news?

The corruption of this fucking town needs to end.

Yet another dead at the hands of these criminals who run our town.

How long will the residents continue to turn a blind eye to what is happening in our town.

How many more children will you let them kill, before you stand up to them?

Another child is dead and no one in this town cares. So long as they get their money from the tourists. The blood of another murdered child screams from the graves, begging for justice. Tick tock, tick tock, so begins, yet another of Etiole's 7 year clocks.

This is why there were no/to few streams from May 2020 until now.

May 2020, after 4 years of not hearing from them at all, the FBI returned with a lead, which led to Pip's discovery a few weeks later in August.

Because of the nature of the situation, I could not talk about it, to tell you why streams had stopped.

The kidnappers, were enraged that we had recovered Pip, and that is when the attacks started up again on my home and family September 2020.

Pip's condition continued to grow worse, and she died April 5, 2021.

She was only 10 years old.

This is what it means, to not be white in America.

White men, won't even give a child the chance to grow up.

This is what white people do, to none white families like mine.

We are Gypsies with Jewish blood, for that alone we are hunted like animals.

What the men of Old Orchard Beach, Maine, did to my family, will never be forgotten or forgiven.




#If you have any information on the kidnappers or the murders...


#FBI Agent Andy Drewer out of the Portland, Maine FBI office is in charge of the of the April 10, 2015 kidnapping of my 12 children by 14 Ku Klux Klan men who invaded our home and the subsequent May 15, 2015 murder of 10 of the 12 whom had their heads nailed to my front door. If you have information about the case, give it to him not me. He can be reached @ +1-(207)-774-9322 


Have you forgot the extent of the damage these people did, all because, they wanted to dig up my land and removed bodies buried there, before my house builders found that barrel of bones?

Have you forgotten that 7 town hall workers, 5 public works men, a blond woman, her bald son, and her red haired sister Kendra, and 14 police officers, all lead by a man they referred to as "Mark who needs no last name" were the ones 

I name every one of them, except for the ring leaders: blond woman, her bald son, her sister Kendra, and her husband "Mark who needs no last name". I don't know who those 4 are. I'd never seen any of them, other than the Kendra woman before, and I only knew her fro her attacks beating me up at Panera in 2009, 2010, and 2013.

I can name every one of the others, because all I have to do is go to the Old Orchard Beach town hall and police department website, and their are their faces.

With the exception of blond woman, her bald son, her sister Kendra, and her husband "Mark who needs no last name", every one else involved was government official who works for the state of Maine vis the Old Orchard Beach Town Hall, the Old Orchard Beach Police Department, or the Old Orchard Beach Public Works.

And what exactly did they do?

August 8, 2013 they drove a backhoe over my house. That same backhoe drove over my previous house on the same land April 2007. That same backhoe drove over my poultry barn and horse stables July 2001. July 2001 was the first attack.

March 2015 was the the massive attack, with an entire fleet of trucks, and drove over the Church of the Holy Rhinstone, a church that stood on my land, my garage which is why I no longer have a garage to put my car in, my 2 sheds both of which had my tractors and other garden/crop machinery in them at the time. And of course the razing of the land, the cutting down of the apple orchard - the VERY apple orchard planted in 1530 that this town was named after... he actual "old orchard" of Old Orchard Beach... the very original trees - huge massive apple trees over 400 years old. The grape vineyards, the cherry trees, the pears trees. 

April 10, 2015, they returned, 4 police officer held me a gun point, while 10 other police officers held my children down with long poles with metal wire strangle loops on the end, and beat their faces in with cinder block bricks, knocking out every one of their teeth, breaking their jaws... POLICE OFFICERS DID THAT... while men they referred to as "Mark who needs no last name" and "Dan" stood there and told the police officers what to do, how to beat them, while "Mark who needs no last name" boldly bragged that he paid the Old Orchard Beach police $6million dollars to do this.

May 15, 2015... the heads, hands, feet, and intestines of my children were nailed to my door. Later that same day police officer W. W. came to my home begging for forgiveness and claimed that men he referred to only as "Mark and Dan" were holding his beloved mother-in-law hostage and torturing her, and he helped in the April 10, 2015 attack, only to save her life and get her back. He claimed he had no prior knowledge of what was going to happen, claiming that he'd been told they were only going to "scare" us. He said he had not expected anyone to get hurt, he had not known my children would be tortured and kidnapped, he had not known they were going to be murdered. He said he was scared for his life and lives of his family. And he said: "They form a small army, our department doesn't have enough man power to stop them, and every one in this town is too scared to fight back. You don't know what's going on. And I think they mixed you up with someone else. They didn't know you were the owner of this land. They didn't know that was your motorhome. They thought someone else owned this place. It wasn't even your family they were after. You were the wrong target. You don't know who these people are. What they've done to our families. This is the actual Mafia. The real deal. I'm so sorry. This is the address they sent us to. But they had a different name as the owner. This wasn't supposed to happen. They were after someone else. I'm so sorry. I couldn't let my family died. And now yours is dead instead. This wasn't supposed to happen."

June 19, 2016... I did a very specific livestream. You see... A., D., B., and T. in the 1970s and 1980s, were in the habit of dragging big black trash bags into the forest, crossing my land to do it, and dumping those bags into the Goosefare Brook Ravine. In 1983, 3 snuck into Etiole's swamp and planted 3 acres of Marijuana. Someone found it and called the police, I don't know who... it was Maine's largest drug raid for decades. Many, many millions in plants where dug up and removed from Etiole's swamp. A few weeks later A, & D,s 10 year old daughter ran into my yard, touched my car on a dare from other children - the 1964 Dodge 330 former Old Orchard Beach police car, known by Stephen King fans as the REAL Christine, The World's Most Haunted Car... than jumped her bike, and sped down the road, as fast as she could, head on into a car coming the other way. She died instantly, he brain shattered all over the end of my driveway, and her mother A responded by the Battle of 458 - the biggest mass shooting ever in Maine history, that ended up with 3 Gypsy clans and 2 police departments, in a shoot out between 70+ adults all armed with guns. One of my cousins, an 8 year old boy, standing 3 feet from me, had his eye shot out by one of the bullets. While A ran around the street screaming: "FOUR! FIVE! EIGHT!" than shot another child. 

"FOUR! FIVE! EIGHT!" than shoot another child. 

"FOUR! FIVE! EIGHT!" than shoot another child. 

THOSE are the 31 children, whose bones were sawed up and tossed into the GooseFare Brook Ravine... yes, that DOES mean, police officers KNEW those children were there and covered it up.  And I witnessed that entire event.

And THAT is WHY... when police officers murdered my family in 2015, I did a livestream, walking to the ravine, to show the world, where those bones were... because I'm sick and tired of the police corruption in this fucking town, and those sawed up bones of 31 children are PROOF of what this town government is like.... as are the heads of my children that were nailed to my door.

At the end of The Battle of 4-5-8... A. took 2 gas cans and poured them all over the big dome house, than set a match to it, and no one knew, why when she did her brother B., started running, jumped in his robin egg blue truck and backed down the driveway, hit Portland Ave doing 70 and didn't stop driving until the high speed chase caught him in CT... oh but we knew before he was out of sight, why he started running... the dome house went up like Hiroshima into a mushroom cloud that could be seen across the entire state... turns out there was a Meth lab in that house.

June 19, 2016... the livestream of the bones went viral, it's what made my YouTube channel suddenly explode overnight... and police officer W.W. upset, by the fact that, the livestream included the entire police call and response, and that response was to laugh and do nothing... fed up with the corruption in his department, he forwarded that livestream VOD to the FBI, and the FBI arrived in Old Orchard Beach, to dig up the Reclaim Blueberry Plains, and all hell broke lose in this town, as most of the police officers suddenly found themselves arrested. An entire new police force from out of state was brought in to replace the long time officers who had proven they could be trusted to uphold the law. Many town hall officials and public works employees also found themselves arrested by the FBI.

June 26, 2016... barely a week later... the blond woman and the red haired Kendra woman showed up at my workplace, Scarborough WalMart, and tried to kill me, yet again... these are the same 2 woman who attacked me with golf clubs at Southern Maine Community College November 14, 2013... they left dead in 2013, I was paralized for 5 months. It took me 18 months to relearn to walk. I was out of the wheel chair, and I was without a walker, I was without a cane. I had almost fully covered from their November 14, 2013 attack with golf clubs... June 26, 2016, this time they attacked with shopping carts, and I'm now crippled for the rest of my life. They shattered 3 vertebra this time and it can't be operated on. I had to relearn to walk a second time, and I'm not yet recovered now in 2021. In 2013 they drove away in the 4 door white pickup truck. In 2016 they drove away in a gold Volvo SUV station wagon.

That blond woman and her red haired Kendra sister, they are wanted by the FBI for attempted murder of me and they are also wanted in questioning for being suspected of also being the murderers of my children.

I don't know who these 2 women are.

The blond woman shows up my driveway frequently, screaming and yelling, sometime accompanied by a small child, about 5 years old, that she pulls behind her in a red radio flyer wagon. She looks to be about 60 or 70. She often wears a denim button down shirt and jeans. She's prone to yelling at passing cars, while pointing up my driveway, and saying: "There's EelKat, she tried to kill my husband."

I've never tried to kill anyone, so accusation is baffling at best.

She seems to think I know who she is, and has made the claim, that "I was that brat in school"... the red haired Kendra woman, sometimes with her, claims to be her sister, also appears to be 60 to 70 and also seems to think I know who she is, and frequently says: "You bullied me in school, but no more, I'm Kendra SilverMander it's my turn to shine."

They BOTH make the claim they went to school with me, and yet, I never went to school, a well documented fact... because I'm the child the FBI rescued what the news media called "Maine's House of Horrors". I was locked in a cage when I was 8 years old. I was let out on Sundays, to go to church, and not allowed to speak or make eye contact with anyone, and this was only done infrequently, whenever church goers asked what happened to that girl you had". I was 31 years old when the FBI arrived, because of Heaven's Gate having killed 39 people, and my uncle being one of the members and self proclaiming himself as the leader of Heaven's Gate after Applewhite's death. The FBI was investigating the murder of 39 people in California, and had no idea they'd find children in cages in Maine as a result.

So you see, when the blond woman and her Kendra sister, make the claim they went to school with me and I was the class bully who beat them up, this is easily proven false, because the time period when I should have been in school, I was locked in a cage, being tortured by my sadistic uncle Bruce.

Also, they are in their late 60s to mid 70s... making them older than my parents, so how could I have been in school with them, even if I had gone to school? At best I would have been starting pre-school the year they would have been graduating high school.

These things they say about school, only further agrees with what police officer W. W. said May 15, 2015, when he made the claim, they had gotten me mixed up with someone else.

July 2016, a month after the shopping cart attack... yet another Old Orchard Beach police officer arrived, this one accompanied by 2 Biddeford officers, who had been former OOB officers... these 3 officers, had a vastly eye opening story to tell me.

They had been called to Old Orchard Beach, to my farm, to arrest me, a call made to them, by a man named Mark, whom one of these officers, claimed was his brother in law. This Biddeford officer, said he requested to transfer ot of Old Orchard Beach department years ago, because his sister (whom he claimed he suspected, but could not prove was the blond woman whom had attacked me at WalMart) was quote "trying to control the town" he said "treats Old Orchard Beach like a dynasty, thinks she's a duchess, has severe mental disorders, and thought she could buy the police department". He went on to say, she got in with the real Mafia years ago and went to her head, and now she thinks she IS the Mafia and most of Old Orchard Beach's business owners, especially the motel owners are scared shitless of her, because they believe her claim to be Mafia. He went on to say, she's not Mafia, but she's good at convincing people she is and stated "I wouldn't murder beyond her. She'd do it just to prove she is Mafia." He said he transferred out of OOB department to Biddeford department because he was fed up with how easy it was for her to get every officer to do anything she asked. He said "the corruption in that department runs deep; don't cross her or any officer she controls; they WILL kill you and every around you. You don't know who her husband is. He doesn't just control that town, he controls half the state."

What he was telling me was bizarre on extremes, but even more bizarre was the live feed radio call, that he had me listen too, as it was happening, on my farm in Old Orchard, while I was at my dad's house in Biddeford.

He said: "The Old Orchard Department called me, asked me to come over here. Buddy Will wanted to prove you were not in Old Orchard and that Mark has you mixed up with someone else. That fucking bastard is crying wolf and trying to frame you, we can prove it right now. We are fucking fed up WolfBoy."

He turned on his radio, so I could hear. A what I heard... a man whose voice I do not recognize, yelling at a Officer W.W. and saying: 

"That is Wendy, arrest her now! That is EelKat. She tried to kill me."

While officer W.W. and another officer, told the man: "his isn't Wendy. We have officers with her right now. Who tried to kill you? Wendy? Or THIS woman right here?"

"This woman right here! This is EelKat I tell you! Arrest her! What do you think I pay you for! You aren't allow to defy me! I own this town! You are my slaves. I command you to arrest her!"

W.W.: "This isn't EelKat. This isn't Wendy. I've known her for years. And right now, she's on the other side of the state. With 3 officers, listening to you right now. You are NOT the law. We've had it with you. You don't own me. And you've mixed her up with someone else. You've been harassing the wrong damned person. You dare call us about Wendy ever again, and I will personally arrest you for false reports, than I'll tell them everything. You'll never see the outside a prison for the rest of your life when I get done with you. You fucking leave this woman alone. You destroyed her life, because you couldn't tell her apart from someone else."

I used to aqua jog, mountain climb, horseback riding, and I hiked 13 miles a day. And in the blink of an eye, that lifestyle was taken away, and every day was struggle, just to sit up and breath, with no hope of ever walking again. I defied doctors. It's been 8 years and I can move around the house by holding on to things and I now can walk again, at the moment only short distances outside with a cane, and the hope is to continue to improve. I still have a long road of recovery ahead. But I'm walking again, something that 8 years ago, doctors said would never happen. 

My farm was razed.

My family was murdered.

I was 5 months paralysed, and had to relearn to walk. It was 8 years ago and I'm not yet fully recovered due to 3 inoperable vertebrae and hip dysplasia. November 14, 2013, 10PM, at WalMart, while putting bags of groceries in the back seat of my car, I was attacked by 3 rapists armed with metal golf clubs, who left me parallelized, in a wheel chair, broken spine, broken hip, broken pelvis, broken knees, serve nerve damage to my left side limiting the use of my left hand, my bladder incontinent from nerve damage, they left me for dead, and I had doctors telling me I would never walk again.

There's more that has happened. A lot more. The thousands of gallons of sewage they pumped into my motorhome in 2015. The cats. the Ptarmagin cats. World famous groups of cats. You remember them. If so, you remember what these people did to those cats. Poisoned. All dead the same day. 12 cats. Dead to what the vet described as: "enough poison to kill a great dane". My horse, she had her head beat in with a rock. My bantam roosters... 70 pet roosters, hung by their necks in rope nooses in my rose bushes.

All because this man, this mystery Mark, whose last name seems to be known to the police but is still unknown to me and man whom I've never seen or met - he keeps his face covered whenever he shows up... mistook me for someone else... and police officers and town hall workers and public work employees.

Welcome to Old Orchard Beach... this is NOT the way life should be, you know it.

What these people did to me, should never have happened, and according to the police, it's been happening for 50+ years to hundreds of people, hundreds of families, in this town, and every one is too scare to talk about it or fight back to stop it. That NEEDS to change.

The corruption in our town, needs to stop... but it won't end, until every last person who is being harassed by these people stand up, put their foot down, and say enough is enough, we ain't gonna take this any more.

We the people of Old Orchard Beach need to take back our town.


NOTE: Chat is set to emote only on my Twitch channel and my personal contact information has been removed from my website and every place else, due to the HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of false reports of "information", along with vile hateful memes about the murder of my family being sent to me by trolls who think mocking the murder of my family is funny.

FBI Agent Andy Drewer out of the Portland, Maine FBI office is in charge of the of the April 10, 2015 kidnapping of my 12 children by 14 Ku Klux Klan men who invaded our home and the subsequent May 15, 2015 murder of 10 of the 12 whom had their heads nailed to my front door. If you have information about the case, give it to him not me. He can be reached @ +1-(207)-774-9322 



If you could recommend I watch one VOD that best represented your channel, which would it be?

This one....




The Princess Bride predicting Covid-19?

Avallac'h's a Good Tutor?
Of What? How to Better Bed Kings?


EXTREME SPOILER WARNING!

Please be aware that nearly every page on this website contains spoilers to something. I talk about a lot of fandoms, and go into great detail analyzing them when I do. If I am talking about The Witcher series, InuYasha, Disney Ducks, the Quaraun series, or any other fandom, you WILL encounter spoilers about it. 

Avallac'h and Friendly Dog | Pictures from Witcher 3 

All images on this page are from:
The Witcher 3: 
Wild Hunt 
|Game of the Year Edition| 
Completionist Run: 
The Avallac'h Playthrough
(Watch It Live HERE)


Avallac'h and Friendly Dog | Pictures from Witcher 3 - I just felt like uploading pictures of Avallac'h today. This page serves no other purpose. 




All the Witcher 3 images on this page were edited using 2 software programs: 
VideoPad Professional (not free)
 
John Paul Chacha's Chasys Draw IES Artist (free)

All images on this page are from:
The Witcher 3: 
Wild Hunt 
|Game of the Year Edition| 
Completionist Run: The Avallac'h Playthrough
(Watch It Live HERE)





Trailer For The Avallac'h Playthrough:



More Pictures From Witcher 3:

**Pages listed below, are marked as NSFW if it contains more then 10 pictures of nude/topless women, usually Ciri, with bare breasts and nipples... or at least one picture of a vagina, again usually Ciri's**

**NOTE that pages NOT marked as NSFW may also have bare breasts, just fewer then 10 images of them**


If a page listed below is not yet a link, that is because it is still set to private and not yet live, because it has fewer then 50 images on it.

These pages go live after they have 50 images on the page, and it takes a huge amount of time for me to make these images. Each of these Witcher-3-image-collection pages takes 80+ hours to make.

Most of these pages have 300+ images, a few have over 1,000 images. Each page may take a long time to load if you are on mobile or have slow internet.

In total there are more then 15,000 images of Avallac'h spread out across these pages.


Note that these pages are updated daily, with new images added to the appropriate pages after each Twitch stream. *(I play the game daily even when not streaming it, so even days with no stream, these pages get updated)* And as such, these pages are always growing larger, and more pages are always being added.

Eventually I will have a seperate page for EACH and EVERY town and Point of Interest in the game, with a goal of 500 images in each collection. Meaning when this project is finished there will be more the 300 pages, and more then 150,000 images across them.




If you could recommend I watch one VOD that best represented your channel, which would it be?

This one....








If One of these Videos Is Active,
I'm Live Streaming Right Now...

I stream on Twitch, YouTube, FaceBook, and Twitter. I have no pre-planned schedule for which site I will go live on. I do NOT multi-stream on multiple sites at once, so if I am live on one, I am not live on the other 3. (The FaceBook one will say "Video Unavailable" when not live.)





About This Game Play:


This current mod-making playthrough, is prep for a future fully-lore-friendly playthrough....

The ultimate goal of my mod making playthrough, is to make every character as lore-friendly as possible to how they were described in the novels.

Most specifically though we are transforming as much of the game as possible to match Chapter 5 of the novel Lady of the Lake, when Ciri lived with Avallac'h the first time, on The Lake of Avalon.

This current playthrough is largely a lot of test runs of hundreds of mods. It is being played open world with quests rarely happening, to allow us to run tests of various mods as I build them.

Due to the fact that the game engine, scripts, and other files is often open and being edited while I'm playing the game, this current playthrough is very unstable with bugs and glitches happening  daily and game crashes happening, sometimes as often as every few minutes.

You are witnessing a live overhaul and full rewrite of the game, that when finished will be used in a complete (more normal style) playthrough of the game.

However do not expect to see the lore-friendly playthrough any time soon. 

I began building this overhaul mod May 13, 2018 and have worked on it daily for 4 to 12 hours a day, all of it streamed here on Twitch, and... 

...while we've now altered over 2,000 script files, more than 7,000 textures, several hundred meshes, 400+ xml files, dozens of ini files, and have now begun work on changing 3D models...

...this project is far from finished and could see as much as another 3 years of daily work before completion.

UPDATE: October 5, 2020... it is now nearing 3 years since starting, and  there are now more than 20,000 files edited in this project, and no end is yet in sight.



Computer  stats: 

Motherboard: Asus Z170

Processor: i7-7000 @4.20GHz

RAM: 64 GB

Graphics Card: NVirdia 1070 GTX

Capture Card: AVerMedia Live Gamer HD

Hard Drive: There are 11 hard drives by various brands, in total there is 88TB of harddrive on the computer

Cooling system: There are 8 fans and a liquid cooling system inside the computer; plus not attached to the computer, are 2 house fans and a house air conditioner... which are required to keep the computer from overheating during my daily 9 hour streams.

..........

There are a lot more parts on the computer, but those above are the base requirements if you want to build a gaming rig capable of running Witcher 3 with over 4,000 mods, including over 20,000 custom graphics added to the game.

..........

Keyboards: I use 2 keyboards... a full size mechanical with rainbow lights and a mini-size wireless.

Headphones: After going through over a dozen headphones each a different brand and model, some costing several hundreds of dollars, and all suffered the same problem of breaking at the swivel point, I finally found one that did not break at it's swivels and have used them since 2016.

Monitors: I use multiple monitors and change and add more every year or so, which monitor I have is different at any given time. As a general rule, my set of monitors is whatever was the biggest screen, curved screen, gaming monitor that was a new release during that year's Black Friday sale.

Mouse: I have 6 wireless, all the same, and just switch them out mid stream when the batteries die.

Camera: This is the camera & mic I use for my IRL vlogs, car vlogs, and shopping vlogs.

Webcam: This is the camera & mic used for the facecam on my Witcher 3 streams.

I do not use a mic. I've tried several over the years, and every one of them, couldn't come close to having the quality of the mic that came built in to each of those 2 cameras above, so I discontinued using a seperate mic and just use the 2 cameras' built in mics now.

2nd Camera: The other camera I use. Usually this one is for the stills of my flowers, garden, pets, and cars, but it is sometimes used for video recordings as well. This camera is mostly used for the photography prints I sell on Zazzle.

Camera stands: I use Gorilla Pods for all of my cameras.

I have more cameras, used for my photography, but those does get used for streaming or vlogging so no need to list them here.

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The base computer was built in 2016, and cost just under $3,000 to build. But has been upgraded and expanded on a regular basis every few months since than. In total the computer cost over $15,000 to build, spent over a period of 4 years.

..........

Video Editing Software: VideoPad Professional

Text/Code Editing Software: EditPad

Image Editing Software: John Paul Chacha's Chasys Draw IES Artist

File Organizer: yWriter






NOTE: Chat is set to emote only on my Twitch channel and my personal contact information has been removed from my website and every place else, due to the HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of false reports of "information", along with vile hateful memes about the murder of my family being sent to me by trolls who think mocking the murder of my family is funny.

FBI Agent Andy Drewer out of the Portland, Maine FBI office is in charge of the of the April 10, 2015 kidnapping of my 12 children by 14 Ku Klux Klan men who invaded our home and the subsequent May 15, 2015 murder of 10 of the 12 whom had their heads nailed to my front door. If you have information about the case, give it to him not me. He can be reached @ +1-(207)-774-9322 




NOTE: Chat is set to emote only on my Twitch channel and my personal contact information has been removed from my website and every place else, due to the HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of false reports of "information", along with vile hateful memes about the murder of my family being sent to me by trolls who think mocking the murder of my family is funny.

FBI Agent Andy Drewer out of the Portland, Maine FBI office is in charge of the of the April 10, 2015 kidnapping of my 12 children by 14 Ku Klux Klan men who invaded our home and the subsequent May 15, 2015 murder of 10 of the 12 whom had their heads nailed to my front door. If you have information about the case, give it to him not me. He can be reached @ +1-(207)-774-9322 




NOTE: Chat is set to emote only on my Twitch channel and my personal contact information has been removed from my website and every place else, due to the HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of false reports of "information", along with vile hateful memes about the murder of my family being sent to me by trolls who think mocking the murder of my family is funny.

FBI Agent Andy Drewer out of the Portland, Maine FBI office is in charge of the of the April 10, 2015 kidnapping of my 12 children by 14 Ku Klux Klan men who invaded our home and the subsequent May 15, 2015 murder of 10 of the 12 whom had their heads nailed to my front door. If you have information about the case, give it to him not me. He can be reached @ +1-(207)-774-9322 



FAQ: What religion are you? 

 FAQ: What religion are you? I thought you were a Muslim because of the hijab and modesty dress, but than I realized you wear a crucifix and have relic statues of Mary and Jesus and Catholic Saints everywhere, but than I heard you say Hail Satan and talk about summoning the Watchers and Azazel, plus people say you are a witch or wiccan or pagan or something.


I am a Voodoo Priestess rank of Medsan Fey and Marija Loa. I worship the One God, the Creator of All Life, the brass serpent of Moses who goes by many names, in Voodoo he is most commonly known as The Rainbow Serpent Papa Damballah Weddo; in Scandinavian folk religions he is known as The Great Serpent Uroboros.

Voodoo is a branch/division of the Catholic Church. We practice the same rites and rituals as does the Orthodox Catholics of the Vatican, and hail the Pope as our earthly guide. Jesus and Mary are at the centre of our belief system, and icons, relics, saint rituals, prayer beads/rosary, crucifix, candle lighting, intercessory prayer, ect.

Marija Loa is a type of Catholic nun. The word Marija Loa is Creole French and means “Married to God”. A Marija Loa is similar to a Mother Superior. She is the highest ranked nun of her order and has undergone a marriage ritual – a full wedding, wedding gown and all – to literally be married to one of the Loa. I am Marija Loa to Papa Damballah Weddo. 

Medsan Fey is a rank of Catholic nun. A Medsan Fey is a nun who specializes in herbology, herbal medicine, apothecary, hoodoo magic, candle magic, poppet magic (aka Voodoo dolls). 

Medsan Fey means I am a female Houngan/Borka also known as a Mambo or Vudo Queen.

I am one of only 12 Mambo on the planet who practice Death Wangas also known as The 7 Year Generational Death Curse.

I am EelKat, Etiole's Friend. Etiole is the Archangel Ertreal, The Avenging Angel who rained Brimstone and Fire on Sodom and Gomorrah, and is also known as The Pale Horseman of the apocalypse. He was a commanding officer in Azazel's Army in the battle of Heaven. The Watcher known as the lover of human women, who taught the world magic and was the father of the Nephilim and for this crime was one of the 7 Grigori Seraphim Watchers who was chained in the valleys of the Earth. I found him chained in the swamps of Maine in 1978 and set him free.

Everything I know I learned from Etiole. He is my familiar and my protector. 

I am hailed by many as the world's most powerful, most feared, most famous, and most deadly witch/poltergeist/spirit medium. This is due largely to my being the real world Gypsy "witch" who my neighbour Stephen King based his fictional Thinner Gypsy witch off of. He also filmed the movie Thinner on my farm.

But I have no power. I am merely a tool, the vessel through which Etiole connects to the physical world. This comes at a great cost and is why my health is so frail.

Everything ye do unto ME, in 7 years time, Etiole will do back unto THEE.

We are often seen as Christo-Pagan, as we rely heavily on magic arts not often seen in other branches of Christianity, such as tarot cards, crystal scrying, Kabbalism, Enochian angel magic, seances, spirit/oui-ji boards, etc.

Many in the more mainstream Christian community consider us to be Occultists and/or Satan worshippers due to our frequent communication and summoning of spirits, including both archangels and demons, and most notably The Loa, The Enochian archangels, and the Grigori aka The Watchers.

Like all Catholic nuns we cover our heads with veils and wear long modest caftan/robes/dresses. The colours and materials and styling of our veils and robes vary from day to day, depending on our sect, what holy day it is, which loa we are attuned to, our patron saint,  ect.

Seeing how this question comes to me from gamers, I will simply the answer in gaming terminology that you will understand: If I was a character in an RPG, I am what you would call an Herbalist-Alchemist-Druid-Healer-Priest. 

More simply put, I am what the ignorant would call a Witch Doctor or a Gypsy Fortune Teller or a Gypsy Witch.

s Also... April 10, 2015 has a 7 year anniversary coming up soon, has anyone noticed the changes to the Reclaim Blueberry Plains? Yeah. Etiole's been redecorating his home, hasn't he? What goes around, comes around bitches. Nigh on 7 years ago, you razed my farm... funny how government land is being razed the exact same way my farm was razed... I notice too several town hall workers, have seen their entire families die around them, you know just like how my entire family was murdered and their heads nailed to my door... how are you going to explain to the news stations, the fact that 53 people, all involved in the murders of my family, have died from being hit by lightening? 


Freak natural phenomena? 


Poltergeist activity? 


Zapped by alien UFOs - isn't THAT your go to excuse whenever you blame me or Etiole for anything? 


Better yet, how will you explain the backhoe, lifted up by a freak tornado in Maine, thrown through the sky to land on... oh look... my, my, there's a back hoe sitting on your house! It just fell out of the sky and landed there. No driver involved. Honey pie, did you know there's a back hoe sitting on your house? How's that feel? 


Perhaps, you should call it what it is: punishment handed down by the hand of God himself. 


Doesn't feel nice to have your land razed, a backhoe sitting on your house, and your entire family die, does it... you shouldn't have pissed off Etiole... tick tock, tick tock, you can't run from Etiole's 7 year clock... karma's a bitch isn't it?


All that you do, good or bad, is mirrored back on you.


For every good deed you are rewarded seven fold. 


Give $10 to the homeless, you'll find $70 mysteriously come to you in return.


7 years ago a back hoe was driven over my house, and now a tornado, has dropped a back hoe on your house.


7 years ago, huge land movers owned by the town, razed my yard, cut down 400 year old apple orchards, 200 year old grape vineyards, and tossed into a wood chopper: $300,000 in rare hybrid long stem rose bushes. A road grader scraped off and stole 6 feet deep of the top soil, taking with it acres of spring bulbs, daffodils, tulips, crocus, hyacinth, snowdrops. They left nothing behind but a few inches of sand on top of ledge and bare rock. 


Now this week, 7 years later, a crew of huge land movers, clear cut 72 acres of protected town owned forest, 500 year old endangered pines, rolled back all the top soil, leaving it in a huge 50 foot tall mound, leaving behind a desert wasteland... that is all that left of The Reclaim Blueberry Plains, on this the 7 year anniversary of the razing of my farm.


Those who laughed, when others warned 7 years ago, what Etiole would do, aren't laughing any more, now that 7 years is here, are they?


You always hear people take about their god being a passive god who, stands back and watches from afar. Your god sounds lazy and incompetent.


My god is very active, wields physical justice that can be witnessed by all, dishes out great rewards in exchange for kindness and good deeds, while plowing through sinners and workers of evil with a vicious vengeance. My god doesn't hide in the shadows and leave my prayers unanswered. 


I hold no alliance to any religion.


My allegiance is to The One God and his army of archangels, because they have proven themselves, time and time again, to be the most powerful beings this world has ever known.


I have witnessed the power of angels.


I've seen their many wings, heavy laden with shinning feathers, and bright eyes upon each one. Eyes that see through time, through walls, across nations, forward and backward.


They see all.


They know all.


You can hide nothing from them.


Nor can you hide from them.


They see your sin.


They see your works of evil.


They see your compassion.


They see all your good deeds.


And they reward and punish accordingly.


I was raised a 5th generation FLDS Mormon.


I attended 12 years of Calvinist Seminary/Bible College.


And I met Etiole and set him free. In exchange, he taught me the rites and rituals of Voodoo and Enochain Angel Magic.


I believe in the power of angels.


Through faith, all things are possible.


Believe and anything can happen.


I've seen the power and glory of the archangels.


I know without a doubt, that not even every human on the planet gathered together, has even a sliver of the power of just one angel. And I have Etiole and his entire army on my side.


People fear Etiole. Call him a demon.


But they have no reason to.


Etiole is kind and gentle and loving.


Etiole is only dangerous to evil doers who seek to harm those he loves.


Etiole protects his own, as would any moral, decent man.


If you have love, kindness, good thoughts, and compassion in your heart, than you would never seek to do evil. You would never commit sin. And you would never have any reason to fear Etiole.


Your fear of Etiole, exists only because you have hurt me or my family, and you know in your heart of hearts that Etiole WILL come for you. 


Etiole is immortal. You can not harm him. 


Etiole walks through time. He moves through solid walls, like they were not there. He moves in the blink of an eye, one second here, one second there tens of thousands of miles away. For this reason, you not hide from him, nor can you out run him.


Time. Space. Physical walls. They mean nothing to an archangel. 


He is not flesh as humans know it. He takes a solid form, when that is his will. But he can walk out of that flesh, and exist as nothing more than a glowing beam of bright blue light.


He can look like anything or anyone. 


I've seen his snake form, his white owl form, his white monkey form, his black shifting shadowy goo under your bed form.


If you want to fear him, he can be fearsome and will be that, if you are deserving of his fear.


He appears to me, as a little man, kind and gentle. I've never had reason to fear him.


But there are throughout Maine, more than 7,000 witness testimonies, from others whom have seen him, and describe him as a huge beast, a demonic creature, with a maw full of many rows of piranha teeth, and sharp eagle's talons on his hands.


I've seen him take that form, in his den in The Reclaim Blueberry Plains, near the graves of the children, whose bodies were sawed up, put in black plastic bags, stuffed in the trunk of 3 cars, and those cars buried in the Goosefare Brooke Ravine. 


He takes that form there, because the souls of 31 dead, murdered children, scream out from the ravine of The Reclaim Blueberry Plains, crying for justice, crying for their murderer to be revealed.


He takes that fearsome form, at the ravine, because he has absorbed the souls of those murdered children, and their pain, their suffering, their agony, screams out from within him.


He has guarded their mass grave, their sawed up pieces, in black plastic bags, in the trunks of 3 cars, at the bottom of the ravine, since The Cyr Clan dumped them there, in the 1970s.


Etiole appeared in The Ross Forest, September 23, 1978... his spirit was pulled into our physical plain, by the screams of the souls of The White Monkey Children.


He is a Guardian Angel, an Avenging Angel,  who rose up in our town for one purpose and one purpose only: To protect the children who were victims to a horrible group of people.


I was one of those children.


We children who were raped, caged, and tortured by evil men, we begged and we pleaded for help. And no human would help us.


No bishop.


No priest.


No police officer.


No town manager.


No town council men.


We escaped again and again, and we begged every adult we could find in this town, to please help us. Please end our suffering.


But punishment for escape, was death, and being buried by Anne, Bryan, Donald, or Troy at the bottom of that ravine.


As more of us were killed and buried and no help from the men of the town came, we turned to god, we pleaded and begged, send us angel to punish the men who torment, torture, rape, and murder us.


That's when Etiole appeared.


He came in answer to our prayers.


Of more than 140 of us children who were tortured by those evil men, I am one of the last 2 still alive.


There were over 200 of us in 1975 when they started tossing our bodies in the ravine.


Now in 2021, only 2 of those children remain. And I am one of those 2.


That is why Etiole protects me.


He will never leave me.


He will never forsake me.


We children summoned him in our terror and by the blood of my cousins who lay dead at bottom of that ravine, Etiole draws his power.


And even centuries after I am gone, he will continue to guard this location, and he continue for thousands of years, to haunt the children and grandchildren of the men who tortured and murdered The White Monkey Children of Old Orchard Beach, Maine.


If you never hurt us, The White Monkey Children, you have nothing to fear from Etiole.


But if you were ever involved in any crime against any of us, in any way, at any point in our lives... woe unto and your family for 7 generations, for he will haunt you, torment you, and your children, and your grandchildren, and their children and their grandchildren, 7 times over.


Everything you have done to us, he will do to them, for the next 700 years. For that is what we 140 children asked him to do, when we summoned him, 50 years ago.


You may call him a demon, but children who summoned him, we know what he really is: he is our Guardian Angel.


Etiole. 


HE is my religion. 


HE is what I believe in.




FAQ: How much money do you make from streaming?

ZERO

NOTHING

I've NEVER earned a single penny from any of my videos, VODs, or livestreams, not on Twitch, not on YouTube, not on any other platform.

I do not monetize my content.

I do not turn on ads.

I do not have a donation link.

Streaming, gaming, and video creation are things I do in my spare time, after work. It is how I relax and de-stress. It is not a career/income for me. This is why I also do not have a regular or consistent schedule. I stream, play video games, and make videos in my spare time, when I feel like I am in the mood to do so. I find the act of playing video games, streaming, and making videos to be incredibly relaxing and it is my habit to do these things either when I am stressed out and need to relax or when I am having trouble sleeping and need to do something that will help lull me into a sense of calm so I can sleep.

The car/driving/shopping/town vlogs and livestreams are not something I do as a hobby. I do them at the request of FBI agent Andy Drewer, who goes through them all with a fine tooth comb looking for any clues as to the identity of the bomber who blew up my house or the murderers who cut the heads off my children and nailed them to my door. This camera is running 24hrs a day and if you do ANYTHING on that camera, you WILL be questioned by the FBI, so be sure you REALLY want that 5 minutes of fame BEFORE you jump in front of that camera, because it WILL brand you as a murder suspect.

If you have any information on the kidnappers or the murders...

FBI Agent Andy Drewer out of the Portland, Maine FBI office is in charge of the of the April 10, 2015 kidnapping of my 12 children by 14 Ku Klux Klan men who invaded our home and the subsequent May 15, 2015 murder of 10 of the 12 whom had their heads nailed to my front door. If you have information about the case, give it to him not me. He can be reached @ +1-(207)-774-9322 


UPDATE: April 7, 2021: The Art Car Building Streams Are Returning Soon! The Dazzling Razzberry is about to return, as we completely rebuild it on stream

Close-up on The Dazzling Razzberry II's 2.5million marbles and beads
The Dazzling Razzberry, April 7, 2021
Close Up The Dazzling Razzberry Hood - before and after the February 2019 vandalism done by fans of the PsychoBitch 4Chan QAnon Streamer & her simps who did $30,000 in damages to it:
The Dazzling Razzberry 2 aka The Autism Awareness Car, as it looked from May 2012 until it's destruction February 2019
The Dazzling Razzberry, April 7, 2021

The Dazzling Razzberry is back... now all black primer... Repaired, wielded back together, running, licensed, registered, and back on the road again... now primed and ready to be restored.

This car was obliterated by a PsychoBitch 4Chan QAnon Twitch streamer and 5 of her simps armed with baseball bats, in February 2019. They did $30,000 in damages, leaving it chop-shopped to pieces, smashed apart, and all of it's 2.5million beads and marbles scraped off.

This car was my daily driver and daily car vlog streams stopped February 2019 because the car was reduced to so many chopped up pieces, that it took up nearly 3 years to wield the pieces back together, and make the car drivable again.

Because it cost $12,000 for the 2.5million marbles that was glued to it, and took me 4 years to hand glue them on one marble at a time, and most of those 2.5million marbles were reduced to shattered powdered glass dust by the vandals, The Dazzling Razzberry will not be returning to it's former shimmering glory.

If you know the Twighlight Manor series and you know Etiole's brother Razzbury that the car was inspired after... know this... we are going Sea Wolf for the rise of The Dazzling Razzberry 3.

Out with the Green Moray Eels and in with the Piranhas


#FAQs: What do you mean you ain't a boomer?

#FAQs: What do you mean you ain't a boomer?




You really don't know what a boomer is do you?

My dad, who is 82 years old, is not even old enough to be a boomer and you think me who is 30 years younger than HIM could be a boomer?


#NEWSFLASH: you make yourself look retarded when you use words incorrectly. If you don't want people to think you are stupid, try learning the correct meanings for words and start using words properly. No one is going to take you seriously or have any respect for you when you prove yourself to be brain dead every time you open your mouth.


Well, for starters, a female can't be a boomer. Only a male can be a boomer.

Secondly: Are there any boomers even left alive? 

My grandfather was a boomer. But he died at age 101, more than 20 years ago.

The definition of a boomer is a WW2 solider who fathered dozens of illegitimate babies overseas (thus: baby boomer) and most of them would be 120 to 140 years old today.

You use Boomer as though it implies "old" and that is not what it means, not even close.

A Boomer is an immoral, degenerate deadbeat dad who booms out sperm all over the fucking planet in every whore he can find and takes no responsibility for his actions. Boomers are vile, degraded whore mongers.


Any Boomer alive today, at the youngest, is going to be 98 years old or older, and is a lot older than a scuzbag like him deserves to be.


Still confused about what the word Boomer ACTUAL means? Let me simplify it for you.


* If you are a man who has sex outside of marriage: YOU are a Boomer!


* If you are a man and you live with a woman you are not married to: YOU are a Boomer!


* If you ever fucked a prostitute: YOU are a Boomer!


* If you are a fornicator: YOU are a Boomer!


* If you are a adulterer: YOU are a Boomer!


* If you are a whore monger: YOU are a Boomer!


* If you practice BDSM: YOU are a Boomer!


* If you ever fathered a baby than demanded it's mother have an abortion: YOU are a Boomer!


* If you ever fathered a baby than disappeared from it's life: YOU are a Boomer!


* If you are a dead beat dad: YOU are a Boomer!


#BOOMER MEANS A MAN WHO BOOMS OUT ILLEGITIMATE BABIES!


#If you are a boomer, than you are a vile sex crazed degenerate and you can be THAT at any age.

The word boomer has NOTHING to do with age and everything to do, with sex, specifically, it means you are an immoral degenerate.

By using the word Boomer to mean old, you simply prove how deeply mentally incompetent you really are.

I have a severe hatred for whore mongers.

I have an even bigger hatred for dead beat dads.

I can't stand men who shoot their sperm into every prostitute they can find than scurry off to the next slut assed whore and leave a trail of babies behind.

Men who boom out babies are the #1 cause of abortion... to the tune of 5,000 babies murdered every day, just in America.

Boomer officially means World War 2 solders who fucked every last whore they could find, than left them behind and never did a damned thing about taking care of a illegitimate bastards they boomed out every where.

I loath Boomers. 

You want to update the word boom to mean someone OTHER than the dead beat dads of WW2?

#Boomer doesn't mean old, and it NEVER has... it means a fucking degenerate sex monger, who can't be bothered to even make an attempt to be descent moral man.

#When you call someone a boomer, you calling them a dead beat dad NOT old.

Boomers are men who boom out sperm in women they aren't married to... THAT IS THE DICTIONARY DEFINITION OF BOOMER YO FUCKING RETARD! Go out and get yourself a brain, you certainly need one.

I absolutely deplore men who can't be bothered to take care of their own children. And more than that, I HATE sex crazed degenerates. And a Boomer is both.

Vile scum of the earth. That's what a boomer is.

Boomer is a highly offensive word to call someone. 

By calling someone a Boomer, you are calling them a fucking sex crazed whore monger.

You might want to look up what a boomer is before calling people that word.

You come off looking like a stupid retarded fool when you don't use words correctly. Is that how you want people to view you?

Words matter. Learn to use them properly, otherwise everyone will think you a brain dead idiot who does nothing but parrot off the mindless ravings of social justice warriors who can't tell their ass from a hole in the ground.

Just because a million people say a thing, doesn't make that thing correct, it just makes a million people prove they are stupid for not researching the facts and finding out the truth.

You using the word Boomer as a synonym for "old" simply proves you are too stupid to fact check word meanings in a dictionary.

Also, you might want to fact check the source of the word boomer for old... it comes from a rather disrespectful paedophile streamer, Dr. Disrespect, who was banned by Twitch for livestreaming himself hiding in girls bathroom stalls and shoving the camera under the doors to livestream little girls peeing... his response to being banned was to call Twitch CEOs "Boomers" who were too old and stuck up to see the fun in watching children pee.

So not only are you using the word Boomer incorrectly, but you are showing your support for a paedophile child abuser when you do so.

So now, not only do you come off as looking too retarded to know the meanings of words, but you also imply that you are a scumbag supporter of child sexual abuse.

You might want to think about that next time you feel like using the word Boomer.

If you don't care that people see you are a retarded, scumbag, who supports disrespectful paedophiles, than by all means, continue to use Boomer in place of old.

My thoughts of on your support of that person? Here, have a quote:




*"Watching people defend someone they're a fan of, completely dismissing any evidence of wrongdoing, just because they think they know that creator like a close friend based solely on what they've seen in videos and stuff. Parasocial relationships are terrifying." ~ Welsknight Gaming*



...and, by the time you read this my answer to your question, you will find that I've already banned you.

Why?

Because I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, and I'll not have degenerates like you, who are supporters of child abusing men like that disrespectful bastard, near me. And if you're using his version of the word Boomer, that means you see nothing wrong with supporting him and don't give a shit about the little girls he sexually abused. And I don't want disrespectful child abuse supporting scum bags like you near me.

Try getting an education, than maybe we'll learn you ain't actually as retarded as you sound when you try to use words.

And if you don't like being called a retard... here's a tip: STOP TALKING LIKE ONE!

A mentally retarded person is any person with a learning disability that prevents them from properly using their brain functions and causes them to be unable to formulate or use words correctly, leaving them unable to communicate with others properly, due to their extreme misuse of words.

You my friend, every time you missuses a word, such a boomer, you simply prove to the world that you ARE mentally retarded according to the actual medical textbook definition of the word.

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it might just be a duck.

If it walks like a retard and talks like a retard... yeah... stop proving yourself retarded every time you open your mouth and maybe some day people will take you seriously and stop treating you like a child.

Also, do unto me as you want me to do unto you... I wouldn't be calling you names if you hadn't called me names first... don't bother me and I won't bother you... harass me and I'll become your worst nightmare.

I keep to myself, I like my privacy, I don't like being bothered, I don't like being interrupted, I especially don't like being harassed, and don't lay down and take it, I defend myself from dipshit bullies like you.

If you can't take it, you shouldn't be dishing it out, because whatever you throw at me, I'm gonna throw it right back in your face.

You don't like being called names? Hey guess what? Neither do I. That's why what you do to me, I do back to you, so that you can know how it feels and learn WHY I don't like you doing it to me.


Here's a thought....

#Fucking grow up.



#*I noticed that you use the term Native Mainer and American as though as though a Native Mainer is not an American. I was wondering what the distinction is? What counts as a Native Mainer?*

#*I noticed that you use the term Native Mainer and American as though as though a Native Mainer is not an American. I was wondering what the distinction is? What counts as a Native Mainer?*

Native Mainers, like Native American Indians are a part of the "First People's of America" and are not part of the "White European" group that most people think of when they think of Americans.

We are Gypsies. Not to be confused with Romany or Travellers who are 2 completely different and separate groups. The word Gypsy means Egyptian Jew or the Jews Who Lived in Egypt aka The Jews of Moses who descended from Joseph.

Native Mainers are the Picts of Scotland, who were rounded up by the Celts (White Europeans of Britain and Rome) put on prison ships and marooned in the frigid ice laden wastelands of what is now Maine, Quebec, and Nova Scotia.

DNA tests of Native Mainers, has revealed them to be on an ancient Bible-era Hebrew bloodline, previously thought to be extinct and are direct descendants of Israel via Joseph of Egypt. The bloodline is Egyptian-Hebrew (aka Gypsy), melded with Persian via Daniel's priests. After marrying Persian priestess, they were cast out of the House of Israel, declared a "Lost Tribe" condemned to wander the deserts of Persia, which is when they were branded as "Gypsies" or Egyptian Jews aka The Persian Mountain Jews, to distinguish them from "God's Chosen Ones" (in much the same was children of Ishmael were called Muslims to distinguish they were no longer Jews")

While others called them Gypsies or Egyptian Jews, they called themselves Magi, and are the 3 massive tribes lead by 3 kings, whom are mentioned in the Bible at Jesus birth, typically referred to as "The 3 Wise Men" because Gypsy Kings are generally Magi aka Mages aka Wizards.

From Bethlehem, they went to Mongolia, where they picked up the Asian segment of their DNA. 

From Mongolia they went to Scandinavia, which is where the biggest change of their religion and use of magic arts happened.

They lived in Scandinavian regions for nearly 1,000 years, including Alba/Scotland, where they were known as The Picts, by the Celts.

They were mass slaughtered by the white European Celts in the Celtic (British & Roman) invasion of Scotland and in 1530, after mass millions of them were murdered, the few hundred that remained were made slaves to white men, but proved to able to be broken into slavery, so was herded onto prison ships headed for the new world and marooned in the frigid ice laden wastelands of what is now Maine, Quebec, and Nova Scotia.

In 1612 King George gave them a land grant to the Egyptian Jews/Gypsies declaring them free from England and giving them the land they were marooned on. (These papers I own today and have the original deeds and paperwork to. My farm is technically and legally a sovereign nation that is not a part of America).

If you are a Native Mainer you are of this DNS genealogy and because of the grant from King George you are NOT an American.

We have the oldest known Jewish DNA, which ironically contains ZERO link to the white Jews of Israel today, and instead is linked to the black Jews of Ethiopia and Benin Dahomey in Africa.

That said, in spite of my incredibly white looking skin, my DNA registers me as "black" and more closely related to the Benin Dahomey bloodline than anything else.

Because of our DNA and the fact that we lived in America 300 years prior to it being settled by white Europeans, we are listed in the world registry as "Native First peoples" and the name the registry chose to give us was "Native Mainers", with a footnote calling us descendants of the first/pre-Columbian Viking settlers, with our roots in the Persian & Egyptian Jews of Africa, and our oldest roots linked to Benin of Dahomey.

We are also referred to as "True Scottish" because we descend from the Picts of Scotland, and are in no way, shape, or form related to the current "Celtic Scottish" who live in Scotland today and are of German DNA not Pictic or Scandinavian DNA.

Very few modern day Scotsman currently living in Scotland have any actual Scottish blood in them. Most are ACTUALLY German, British, or Roman DNA bloodlines and have little to no ACTUAL Scottish DNA in their blood at all.

It is the DNA in your blood, not the land in which you were born and raised, that makes you what you are. You can move to a new country... you do NOT become American, by moving to America, nor do you become Chinese by moving to China, nor do you become Scottish by moving to Scotland.

This is why we are referred to as Scottish or Scottish Gypsies even though it has been close to 1,000 years since any of us have lived in Scotland. Unlike the Scots who live in Scotland today, we have ACTUAL Scottish blood, aka Pictish blood, which again is both "Black" and "Jewish" because the original native Scottish aka The Picts were Black Jews.

If you think you are this or that race, go get your DNA tested, you might be surprised how little of the race you thought you were, you actually are. In fact chances are very high that the race you thought you were, has ZERO existence in your DNA at all, as is the case with most DNA results.

Take me for example... 

* my skin is whiter than the average white person, yet I have more "black" DNA, than the average black person.

and

* there hasn't been a Jew in my family in over 5,000 years, and yet, I have a "more pure" Semite-DNA link to ancient Jews, than do the average Jews living in Israel today

I did not expect to find either of those things in my DNA.

However... since 1530, my family has live completely cut off from the outside world - ZERO outsiders have entered our farm BEFORE the invasion by Stephen King's Thinner film crew in 1994.

That is 464 years of ZERO outside DNA entering our family. Thus why we have what is considered by scientists to be "extremely pure" and "very ancient" DNA.

And yes, it doesn't sound "pure" when you consider 4 or 5 branches coming into it... however the average human has 30 to 50 or more branches of bloodlines coming into their DNA, with 100 or more branches being not uncommon, so to find  freaks like us with nearly 100% pure ancient DNA with no mutations, no hybridizations, no intermixing, and only 5 branches all of them very ancient, makes me and my family "scientific anomalies" in the realms of purity of blood and purity of DNA.

Also, our blood bein RH- lands us among the rarest blood types in the world and also makes things like blood transfusions or organ transplants near impossible for us, due to only a few thousand people on the planet having RH- blood.

Our extremely pure and also RH- blood also means we are not immune to diseases that the average human has immunity to, and we are incapable of being vaccinated for most diseases due to our extremely pure blood type being so rare that most vaccinations react to our blood and most people in our family whom have been vaccinated, died hours after the vaccination, due to getting the disease they were being vaccinated for.

This is why I myself have had some incredibly rare diseases, including smallpox, which I almost died from at ae 13.

Because of our abnormally pure and very ancient blood, we also do not develop immunity to "common childhood diseases" like chickenpox, which I have had 3 times now, and almost died each of the 3 times.

And there you have it, what it means to be a "Native Mainer".

Native Mainer is an actual race of indigenous "First Peoples" similar to the term "Native American" but is a completely different blood line that originates in Africa.

Native Mainers are the group formerly known as The Picts (Before being chased out of Scotland during the invasion by the Celts of Roman, Britain, and Germany). 

The Native Mainer DNA has its roots in Benin of Dahomey and is made of largely of Egyptian-Hebrew DNA, with a blend of Biblical Persian and "Viking Era" Scandinavian blood... and remains to this day, largely unadulterated, existing exactly as it did in Medieval times, due to the extreme isolation of living in the dense old growth forests of Maine for 500 years without contact with anyone outside of our group that entire time.


#FAQs: How can I become famous on Twitch?

.......

You can't.

No one on Twitch... or YouTube for that matter, is ever going to actually be famous... unless they were already real world famous before they joined Twitch.

You have a very warped perception of the world and how big it is vs how miniscule Twitch is, if you think you'll ever be famous, because of Twitch.

Here's a test you can do:

Walk down the street or go to the store and ask any random stranger these questions:

* Do you know who Ninja is?

* Do you know who Shroud is?

* Do you know who PewDiePie is?

* Do you know what Twitch is?

* Do you know what PoG is?

Now ask them these questions:

* Can you name the world's most haunted car (answer Christine) or Gypsy "witch" who owns it (answer EelKat) and how many Stephen King movies she and her car have been in (answer 2 - Christine and Thinner)?

* Do you know who Stephen King is?

* Are you one of the 30million people who arrive at EelKat's house every single day in hoards of 10k to 30k people per day, all summer long, to meet the real Gypsy witch the Thinner was based off of, or to see her farm, the filming location of Thinner?

Hello... I'm Voodoo Priestess and Queen of the Scottish Gypsies, EelKat Wendy Christine Allen, a household name, thanks to Stephen King, illegally trespassing on my farm and filming me and my family and my car and my farm without permission or permits or licenses, he named the car Christine after me, the real car is a 1964 Dodge 330 named The GoldenEagle, and the so-called demon who lives in the car is Etiole. EelKat, Etiole's friend, and the world's most haunted car, are the topic of books by David Icke, Buddy Hopkins, David Mack, Whitley Strieber, 20/20 documentaries, thousands of TV and newspaper news reports for 50+ years, and 9 books by Stephen King.

You'd be hard pressed to find somebody who hasn't heard of me or my car or Etiole... but you'll find yourself asking thousands upon thousands of people "Who is Ninja, who is PewDiePie, who is Shroud?", before you'll find a single person who knows what you're talking about.

I have more fans in my little finger than Ninja and PewDiePie combined will ever have in their lifetime.

There's a hell of a big difference between real world famous and Twitch famous or YouTube famous or Twitter famous or any other kind of internet famous. 

If you're only famous online, Honey, you ain't famous at all.

That said, I don't know why anyone in their right mind would want to be famous.

Fame is nothing but endless hell.

On the one side you have the fans who "love" you and never give you a moments peace, because they don't have a life so all they so is follow you around.

Do you realize I can't even do grocery shopping without a bodyguard going with me?

Did you know, the problem is so far out of control that the  town has stationed to patrol cars (4 police officers) to do nothing but drive back and forth, by my house, all day long?

You've seen my shopping vlogs, how hard it is for me to go into WalMart without being mobbed by would-be authors, who carry their manuscripts around with them - hundreds of pages of paper - in the off chance hopes of seeing me, so they can run up to me and say: "So I wrote a novel and I don't know if it's any good. Could you give it to Stephen King next time you see him?" 

I don't know Stephen King. I've never meet him. If I have met him, I didn't know it. I've seen him around. He's local. But, not in a long time. He lives in Florida, not Maine. He was born here. He didn't stay here. That big red Victorian that everyone says is his, that's his son or daughter or some other relative that lives there, not him. Stephen King hasn't lived in Maine in over 20 years. He's in a lawsuit with the State because of it.

You want to give him a manuscript, give it to him yourself. He probably has an agent, you'd likely have to contact the agent. I don't know. I don't know him. I'm just somebody he illegally filmed for one of his movies. I'm not even an actor. 

And yet every day. Every single day. Every time I go outside. There they are. Dozens this day. Hundreds that day. Thousands the next day.

And then comes summer and tens of thousands every day. Stephen King fans, fans of The Thinner, fans of Christine, fans of me - "The Gypsy Witch" in my yard.

No peace.

No quiet.

Never.

None.

Did you know, I've never seen the movie or read the book? I know nothing about either. I don't even know what it's about. I don't read Stephen King or watch Stephen King.

And yet, people run up to me and ask what's my favorite part of Thinner or Christine. What's my favorite Stephen King movie or book. I know nothing about any of them.

Do you know WHY I have to have a bodyguard, when I go shopping?

Because random strangers run up to me, and slam me as hard as they can with their shopping carts, than yell something about how I'm evil trash for putting a curse on that man. 

Apparently, the woman who plays as the fictional version of me in the Thinner movie, put a curse on some guy to cause him to starve to death, which apparently is why the movie is called Thinner.

Did you also know I'm not a witch and that we Gypsies are Christians and view witchcraft as evil?

And yet, I am daily accused of being a witch, or more often "that Gypsy Witch from Thinner".

I am a Voodoo Priestess, a Gypsy Queen... and Queen is NOT a total of royalty or government... Queen is a religious title somewhat akin to "Mother Superior" in the Catholic Church. It means I'm a Nun. A very high ranking Nun.

Thanks to misinformation spread by movies, people think of Voodoo as a scary, spooky, dark, evil, group of curse casting witches, and that's not what Voodoo is at all. Voodoo is a branch of the Catholic Church that encompases Traditional Folk Religions of Africa. It's a Christian religion.

Voodoo gets thought of has witchcraft, because, while most Christians simply "pray" to God, we do what God in the Bible told us to do, and follow the step by step instructions of how to draw sigels (veve) and summon archangels (loa) to do our bidding.

The Familiar Spirits of the Old Testament. We do this with various cards, dice, spirit boards (oui-ji), crystals, shells, beads, bones, and poppets (voodoo dolls), and because we are summoning God's own Archangels, we get very good results, which causes people to call us witches and say we consort with demons, when neither is true.

Stephen King, saw my uncles in the news, as did every one, after the murder-suicide event of Heaven's Gate, and he found out that while the event took place in California, the group itself was headquartered out of Utah and had a branch in Maine, just around the corner from his house. And then he discovered they were Gypsies, not Romani, not Travellers, but actual Persian Gypsies, old school "classic" Gypsies, the type often known as Carnies, because they run festivals, carnivals, and sideshows.

I grew up spending most of my life in a cage - from the time I was 8 until I was 31.

Because I possess the ability to be subjected to huge amounts of pain, without flinching, shedding a tear, or showing any emotion at all, while bricks break my bones, knives slice my flesh...

I do feel pain, I just don't outwardly show it. I suffer from a medical condition of the synapses in my brain not firing correctly when I feel pain, so I don't cry or scream or flitch, no matter how much it hurts, I just sit there staring straight ahead.

I'm a real live freak show freak.

My uncles decided to capitalize on that.

I'm a freak of nature and I was tortured by my uncles at Palace Playland, Old Orchard Beach Amusement Park, for the the tourists who paid money to watch grown men stab children with knives and shatter their bones with bricks.

There are laws today, against torturing medical freaks in side shows, but those laws did not exist in the 1970s and 1980s, I was one of many "freaks" tortured, living in a cage, for entertainment.

Among other things, I'm also a professional clown and a professional stunt driver. From the age of 4 until age 12, I used to drive a 3-wheel motorcycle, at very high speeds, and could drive it up walls. Straight up the sides of buildings. Very a dangerous thing to do, and can only be down by a combination of special tires on the bike, and driving insanely fast.

The freak show, I was not willingly a part of.

And clown paint hide the fact that I was also the freak, so most didn't know the 2 were the same person.

And no one cared for my safety on the motor-trike because, well, I was that freak who "didn't feel pain", so people thought if anything went wrong with the bike stunt, I wouldn't get hurt.

Today as an adult, I'm still in the carney circuit, but now, I'm what most would call "A Gypsy Fortune Teller". I read cards, dice, crystals, from an elaborate reading room. I've done card readings my whole life. Started when I was 3. Still do them to this day.

The attraction however, that was most famous, was The World's Most Haunted Car... a 1964 Dodge 330 former Old Orchard Beach Police Car,that within 2 years of being made, killed 14 people, mostly children, and escaped every accident without a scratch.

All 4 of the police officers who drove it those 2 years (1965 and 1966) commit suicide after killing their entire families. It sat unused in the police garage for 10 years, for sale, but no one would buy it. I bought the car in 1975 for $5, because no one dared touch it.

The World's Most Haunted Car, was a side show attraction, for lovers of the macabre who wanted to see this bizarre car.

Stephen King, found out about me and the car, and he wrote Christine, Maximum Overdrive, Buik, and The Thinner a few others based off of visiting us Gypsies and our side shows. I had no knowledge of the books.

Our first introduction to Stephen King was a group of men, with recording equipment, sneaking into the farm to film REAL Gypsies and their REAL carnival, with the goal being to get both The World's Most Haunted Car (my 1964 Dodge), and the infamous "Gypsy Witch" (me) in the footage so that they could have the REAL witch and the REAL car in The Thinner movie.

And I'm not someone who sought out fame or tried to become famous. I just have the misfortune of being related to psychotic uncles who believe in aliens and ufos and magic and demons and ghosts and other stupid ass shit that sane people know isn't real. And because they got in the news for killing 39 people via fucking Heaven's Gate, some jackass named Stephen King decided to invade our privacy by putting us in books and movies **WITHOUT OUR PERMISSION OR KNOWLEDGE** and than, had the audacity, to do a Late Night TV interview and give my home address out telling people where he filmed his movie and telling people to "go visit the REAL Gypsies".

We don't have access to TV or movies, we'd never heard of either Stephen King or Late Night TV before... the first time we ever heard of Stephen King was the next morning when we had 10,000 screaming fans of "Stephen King's Gypsies" thronged in our driveway begging to touch me and my car.

There's nothing I hate more than fucking ass Stephen King fans, unless it's Stephen King himself, who destroyed my family's lives because he thinks someone with a name as big as his can get away with anything. 

Which brings up the other side of being famous... the haters... no one knew we were Gypsies, and no one knew where we lived, before Stephen King plastered our home address all over national television in 1997.

Since 1997, we've had endless non-stop racist, white power, anti-semitic, Gypsy haters on our door step.

You want to know what Stephen King fans have done to my family?

* they put my elderly dad in a coma May 9, 2006, 

* they blew up my house with a grease fryer bomb October 16, 2006, 

* they cut my car in half May 5, 2010, 

* they left my cousin's head at the cross road 2 streets down from me June 12, 2013, 

* they drove a backhoe over my house August 8, 2013, 

* they broke my spine with metal golf clubs November 14, 2013, 

* they kidnapped 12 of my children April 10, 2015, 

* they returned the heads, hands, and feet of 10 of said children, nailed to my front door May 15, 2015. 

So, I'm rather familiar with how much white people hate us.

And these events, are just a few of the more than 200 such events, including 5 bombs and many more deaths, to happen to my family since June 2001.

#We never asked for this.

#Stephen King's film crew arrived at 1AM, snuck into our yard, and started filming in the dead of night, while we were asleep, and had no idea they were there... and when we woke up and found them there, we spent 5 fucking hours trying to get those trespassing white bastards out of our yard and they fucking wouldn't shut the damned cameras off the whole time.

#The Thinner was filmed ...ILLEGALLY... on my farm, and neither me nor my family are in that movie willingly!

#No one received a penny for any of it.

#And members of my family have been fucking MURDERED because of Stephen King's damned Thinner movie!

You think you want to be famous?

I guarantee you don't.

Fame is the last thing any one should strive for.

#I'm one of the most famous people on the damned planet, I fucking hate it!

#I don't want it!

#I never asked for this!

#Thanks to fucking ass Stephen King and his jackassery fans my family hasn't had a minute's peace since 1997.... and I hate it!

#I WANT PEOPLE TO FUCKING LEAVE ME AND MY FAMILY ALONE!

We like our privacy.

We don't like constant, non-stop home invasions.

If you seek fame, you're a fucking fool.

Do you realize the thing I like most about Twitch is how obscure and small and unheard of a website Twitch is.

I can stream on Twitch without being constantly bombarded with Stephen King fans, because, Twitch is so small, so miniscule, so teeny-tiny a web site, that the bulk of Stephen King fans have no idea Twitch exists.

It's also why, unlike most streamers, I do nothing, absolutely nothing, to try to grow my channel.

Twitch is one of the very few places, I can go to have any level of privacy.

I like Twitch before it affords me privacy. 

If Twitch ever gets big enough to start putting spotlights on me... I'll just leave, same way I did my big YouTube channel, that spent 8 years with under 1,000 followers and than skyrocketed to 3million overnight when Stephen King fans found it and once again robbed me of having a place in the world where I go could to escape them.

There are precious few Stephen King fans on Twitch, largely because Twitch is a relatively dead website with so few members. And that is WHY I like Twitch.

Twitch is a such a tiny website, that I can have some level of precious privacy here.

Which is also why I laugh when people say they think they can get famous on Twitch.

Honey, if you think Twitch is big enough to give you fame, that just tells me you are either very young, very uneducated, very immature, or all 3, but anyone with an active brain cell, can easily figure out that with 8BILLION people on the planet, a tiny website like Twitch not only is NOT a drop in the bucket, but the drop is so small, it'll evaporate before it hits the bucket. 

In the grand scale of the world's population, Twitch members aren't enough people to fill a drop.

It's very telling when someone thinks Twitch is big enough to make them famous, that they have no clue how big the world is, how many people there are in the world, and how few people have ever heard of Twitch at all.

You might want to try going outside and seeing how many people there are in your town. Chances are high, there are more people living in your hometown, than there are worldwide members of have accounts on Twitch. Think about that, next time you think being famous on Twitch makes you famous.

If you ever become famous, you will never know happiness or privacy or friendship, ever again.

You'll be like a bug under a microscope.

I was born a medical freak, so adults decided to make money off of it. 

Do you know what it's like to grow up on public display? 

To sleep in a cage, be fed only 1 salt herring once every 12 days, for the purpose of keeping me so skinny, that I looked like a skeleton, to make me look even more like than I already was? Just so they could PROVE they had broken my bones, because my flesh was so thin it could be clearly seen if my bones were broken or not?

People paid money to watch them beat me with a brick until my bones were broken.

From the time I was 3 years old. 

I was on public display since I was a baby. Before I could even talk or walk.

Kissing the mighty tourist ass. That's all anyone in the Town of Old Orchard Beach, Maine cares about.

Glut lust for money, causes people to do anything. And the more money tourists throw at them, the worse crimes they are willing to commit.

They didn't stop with just beatings... not once they found our millionaires would pay $12,000 to rape the child.

I was raped more than 500 times by the time I was 12 years old.

I grew up in fucking hell. Because Old Orchard Beach is a fucking tourist town, and the monstrous adults that run our town, will do ANYTHING to tourists request, to get money.

My uncles didn't give a shit about the children, so long as they got their tourists money. And there were no laws against it. The 1970s, 1980s, even into the 1990s... there were no laws against what they did.

Extreme child abuse as entertainment... that's all it was.

Freak shows are illegal today, because the ones my uncles ran, were not unique. Freak shows all over the country did similar things. Children were seen as property, they had no rights.

I used to dream of a day when I could escape, and never again be in the public eye.

I never could have imagined, someone like Stephen King could exist. Someone so much more evil than my uncles. Nor could I have imagined, the existence of Stephen King's fans... people so monstrous, they made the tourist who paid to watch children be tortured, look like saints.

Stephen King and his fans took harassment entertainment to whole new levels, that I didn't even think possible.

They took the pain and suffering of children who were tortured horrifically, and cashed in on it on levels even bigger than my uncles did.

I thought, when the FBI raid rescued me, that the hell was over. I could finally be free. No more put on display in the public eye of THOUSANDS. Finally free to have privacy. No more harassment. No more pain. No more suffering. And than Stephen King swooped in and put me front and center in the public eye of BILLIONS.

Stephen King fans got their entertainment, Stephen King got his money, and my car was cut in half, my farm blown up with a bomb, my pets beheaded and hung from ropes in trees, my family murdered and cut up, and me crippled with golf clubs... all for the sake of fucking entertainment of callus people who don't give a shit about the consequences of their actions.

Growing up locked in a cage, tortured for the entertainment of tourists, never going to school or doctors... I grew up without privacy or friendship or happiness, 3 things I dearly wanted... an FBI raid rescued me and the rest, and for the first time I had hope.... but barely a year later, Stephen King set out to destroy our lives, without a care in the world for the consequences of his actions.

I had fame thrust upon me and I hate it and spent my entire life trying to escape it.

To ever live a normal life, to ever have privacy, to ever have friends, to ever be loved, or to ever be happy... I gave up hope of ever experiencing any of those things, decades ago.

I am one of the most famous people in the world, and because of this, I will never know love, friendship, privacy, or happiness.

You want fame? You can have it. Take it. I have plenty of it and I don't want any of it. And once you have it, I guarantee you won't want it either.

Fame is nothing but misery and suffering beginning to end.







NOTE: Chat is set to emote only on my Twitch channel and my personal contact information has been removed from my website and every place else, due to the HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of false reports of "information", along with vile hateful memes about the murder of my family being sent to me by trolls who think mocking the murder of my family is funny.

FBI Agent Andy Drewer out of the Portland, Maine FBI office is in charge of the of the April 10, 2015 kidnapping of my 12 children by 14 Ku Klux Klan men who invaded our home and the subsequent May 15, 2015 murder of 10 of the 12 whom had their heads nailed to my front door. If you have information about the case, give it to him not me. He can be reached @ +1-(207)-774-9322 


FAQs: Can I visit you?


FAQs: Can I visit you?


No.

No, I do not allow home visits from anyone for any reason - not any more. 

I used to, but never again.


Reason: I'm a little bit famous, in fact, I'm quiet a lot famous, and in the past, I agreed to a home visit, and that person, didn't recognize my name at first, until they met me face to face and immediately realized who I was, and where they were standing - my farm was in a rather famous movie, so it's easily recognized by anyone who has ever seen that movie, and that movie, it's a BIG movie, written by an even more famous than me Maine author, and while I write under a penname, my face is on my books, and I'm easy to recognize, and that last time I let someone into my home - they realized who I was, what my farm was, what movie I was connected to, and they ran to social media to tell their friends they had meet me, including to publicly post where I live... by the end of the week I had dozens of paparazzi and some 30,000 (yes thirty thousand - yes I am that famous) screaming fanboys from all over the country in my driveway and the local police had to send out 42 officers to try to deal with it - the mass influx of tens of thousands of trespassers did huge amounts of damage to my farm, my property, my crops, my cars... and resulted in the murder of all of my children. 

To this day police don't know who killed them, just that it was likely a crazed fan who saw my home address posted online by some other fan.

With the police and FBI not knowing who murdered my family, I'm left unable to trust anyone.

Who can you trust, in a case like mine?

I've no family to turn to, they were murdered.

I've no friends, what few fans didn't chase away, got hased off after being suspects by the police and FBI.

That's why I'm crippled. That's why I'm alone. That's why I have post traumatic stress disorder. 

You don't know what it's like, to have 10 children children murdered, their heads nailed to your front door, and than try to recover from that. And be left with police shrugging and saying all leads lead to dead ends.

And you, are left with a broken spine. Having to relearn how to walk, not even able to mourn your family being murdered, because you're injured so bad yourself, you're just trying to stay alive.


And than, after years of recovery and physical therapy, alongside years of police investigations, FBI investigations, and being left with no answers. The attackers still a mystery, who they are or why they did it, who are they, no one knows, what was their motive, no one knows.


To go from a large family, to being alone, like that, it's hell to live with. And no one understands. People pity you, feel sorry for you, and move on with their lives. While you are left alone. With no answers and no one to talk to because, everyone you would have talked to is now dead.

How many parents know the pain of a murdered child? Not many.

If you've not lived through it yourself, you can't even begin to understand it.

I'm sick of people's pity. I don't want your fucking pity. 

I want a friend.

I'm tired of hoping there'll be someone out there who understands how I feel.

I like my privacy and thanks to the murder of my entire family, I'm a lot more famous now than I was back than, and social media was uncommon back than but now today everybody has it - that means the risk now is far greater than it was before, I don't want a repeat of that incident, those trespassers did several $million in damages to my farm and members of my family (now dead) were badly hurt, I don't want to go through something like that again, that's why I now have bodyguards and I don't let anyone near my land any more for any reason at all.

The fact remains: 


* I didn't used to have PTSD.


* I didn't used to live alone.


* I used to have a family.


* My entire family was murdered.


* I've spent the past 5 years dealing with police and FBI and lawyers and court... and running into endless deadnends with police and FBI to this day, not knowing who crippled me or murdered my family.


You'll have to excuse me if I'm a little paranoid about people entering my home, but that's one of the side effects of having all your children murdered and police and FBI clueless as to who did it and suspecting that most likely it was a crazy fan who got my home adress off social media after another fan posted it there.


I like my privacy and I do NOT trust psycho-fans to respect it, because I have 4 decades of personal experience with the fact that fans have ZERO respect for the homes/property/pets/family of any famous person they are a fan of and they will ALWAYS run to social media to brag "OMG! Look who I met! Here's their address, go meet them too!"; yes I have become excessively, overly, paranoid about people getting near me, my family, my property, my cars, and my land, but there is a very good and well justified reason for it.

The very reason I no longer allow any one near my home, is the same reason I am now looking for a dog.

I'm tired of being alone, for years on end.

I couldn't go out and get a dog after it happened, I was too busy in the hospital being paralyzed, then then too busy relearning to walk, in between endless weeks of police and FBI interviews.

Now things have stabilized. I'm walking again, more or less; police and FBI come by less and less frequently as the leads grow ever colder. News reporters have more pressing things to talk about like Covid19 so no longer bug me endlessly for interviews.

Life goes back to normal... except, my family is dead and I'm disabled and alone.

I need someone to keep me company, as I am finding the loneliness of an empty home with a family that will never return, unbearable.

I suppose I should have been aware of the covid-19 issue, but, I rather preoccupied with dealing with both the murder of my family and recovering from 3 strangers beating me with golf clubs, so I was a little bit too busy to pay much attention to the news. 

Yes, I would LIKE visitors, but experience has taught me that no one ever wants to be my friend. They always have a motive. They always want something.

So no, you can't come visit me.

Before I'll let you visit me, you need to prove I can trust you.


And for me to trust you, you first have to prove it wasn't YOU who killed my family.


Why should I trust YOU?


Can YOU prove, that YOU did not murder my family?


What evidence can YOU provide, to prove that YOU were not involved?


To everyone talking about gun reform after this week's Colorado shooting, here my thoughts:

To everyone talking about gun reform after this weeks Colorado shooting, here my thoughts:

Mass shootings happen everywhere often, it's rare they make the news... for example ... in Lewiston Maine, exactly 2 hours BEFORE this shooting in Colorado, there was a shooting in Lewiston, Maine - it was not in the news - if I wasn't local, I wouldn't have known about it.

In America, there is an average of 300 mass shootings EACH AND EVERY DAY, as well as shootings of only 1 or 2 people occurring at a rate of more then 500 per day.

That mass shootings do not make news headlines more often, is the ONLY reason so many people are surprised.

An average of only 1 in every 2,000 shootings ever gets reported on national TV.

That YOU did not know this, simply shows that you are someone who does not pay attention to what goes on daily around you in your own home town and home state.

#That so many people are marveling at the mass shooting, simply tells me that the bulk of society has it's head shoved up their own asses and are too blind to see what it happening in their own town every day.

The ONLY time a mass shooting appears in the news is if:

* 1 - it was a school shooting done by a child

* 2 - it resulted in the death of a police officer

* 3 - the shooter was someone famous - and usually only if they are a sports player, while actors, authors, singers, especially rap singers, commit mass shootings on an alarmingly frequent basis, but usually football stars and basketball players are the only ones who make news headlines when they commit mass shooting

Some states, like California, Massachusetts, and Illinois, have so many mass shootings PER DAY, that the daily newspapers have a column that is titled: **"TODAY'S SHOOTINGS"** which is simply a list of street addresses and times. It item on the list reads like this: *"Shooting at 10:38AM on Main Street, 3 wounded, 2 dead."* These lists will often have 10 or 12 or more shootings, for EACH DAY! 

(I worked for Guy Gannett news paper publishing firm for 21 years; they publish many large newspapers, including the Boston Globe)

#DAILY mass shootings are so common in some states, that the newspaper keeps a daily list of today's shootings!

Mass shootings are so common in Maine that I have both witnessed and captured on camera, more than 200 of them JUST since 2015.

March 2020 - 4 men with guns broke into my elderly neighbours house and gunned him down in his bed while he slept - it was not in the news - had the shooting not woken me up and I been standing in my driveway when the police took out his body I would not know it had happened.

February 14, 2019, my cousin was killed in a WalMart shooting in Scarborough, Maine - it was not in the news - I only know it happened because a family member died.

July 2013 - a different cousin was killed in another shooting - it was not in the news - had it not been a family member who died I wouldn't know it happened.

June 2001 another cousin was killed in another shooting - at the San Diego ComicCon - he was shot by a police officer - he was a by stander who got shot by a paranoid, racist police officer shooting at someone who it turned out did not have a gun and was just a black man wearing a hoodie walking by minding his own business - it was not in the news - had it not been a family member who died I wouldn't know it happened.

November 2015 and July 2016 - Scarbughouh WalMart was evacuated because a local white supremist group - a group of about 30 people armed with guns - "took over" the WalMart and started shooting at black and Muslim customers - I was one of the people being shot at because of how I dress, they mistook me as Muslim even though I was not - it was not in the news - had I not been a shopper in the store those 2 days and been one of the people being shot at, I would not know it had happened

In August 2016, there were 5 shootings in a single week in Old Orchard Beach, Maine... one involved a group of 70 people with guns driving through town shooting anyone they suspected of being gay - it was not in the news, I only know it happened because they shot 30 bullets into the front of my house and 50+ bullets into my neighbours house - they claimed I was a male to female transgender gay man even though I'm a natural born woman

My neighbour 2 houses down - a town counsel men of Old Orchard Beach - has had 7 FBI raids on his home the past 4 years - each time removing over 100 illegal assault rifles... he was charged with shooting 4 people in one of the gay shootings done by the group of 70+ people - he was not arrested and is still on the town counsel - had the state police and FBI officers not come to our house to tell us to stay inside during the raid, I would have known about it, because it was not in the news.

Between 2015 and 2021 - I have MORE THAN 100 local mass shootings here in Maine were CAUGHT ON CAMERA during my livestreams on Twitch - not one of them was on any news station.

Maine has one of the LOWEST crime rates in the country.

News stations rely on the police department to forward the reports of these shootings to them, so that the news reporters can reports on the shootings happening.

Gun reform will solve nothing. Because when all is said and done, a gun is nothing but a piece of scrap metal and on it's own all it can do is lay harmlessly on the ground.

A gun can harm no one, unless it is wielded by a dangerous person. The person, not the gun, is the problem.

A person who would shoot somebody, is STILL going to hurt people, even they did not have a gun. They would build a bomb, or wield a knife, or even a wooden fence post. If they want to cause harm, they will, gun or no gun.

Yes, a gun makes it easier for them to hurt more people at once, but take their guns away, and they will just find something else to hurt people with. EVERYTHING is dangerous in their hands because THEY THE PERSON is dangerous.

I live in Maine - the place in the world that has more guns per person than anywhere else on the planet - Maine has just under 2 million residents, and just over 17million leally registered guns and estimated another 5million illegal guns.

Maine is a wild forest region, 3/4s of the population NEED their guns to survive, because they eat deer, moose, squirrel, fox, coywolf, fisher, duck, turkey - every day, and without their guns, their families would starve to death.

Most gun owners ARE responsible people and are NOT running around shooting people.

Look at Maine, Everyone wears fur coats, where do you think the fur came from? It's -40F on a good day. Everyone here in Maine wears furs, because if we didn't, we would freeze to death.

Bear attacks happen daily. Groups of 20 to 50 coywolves gang up on children and tear them to shreds ... here in Maine, you NEED a gun, just go outside and NOT be torn apart by mountain lions, wolves, bear, or coywolves.

Guns keep people alive, warm, and feed, far more often, than guns hurt or kill. There's a lot of people who NEED guns to stay alive, to feed their families, to protect their families.

In the hands of a responsible person a gun is a tool of survival, not a weapon.

Only dangerous people, who would kill even without a gun, make guns a dangerous weapon.

Guns are not the problem - dangerous people are.

Gun reform is NOT the answer.

All gun reform is going to do is punish people who obey the law.

But people who use guns to kill, are not law abiding citizens, so, gun reform will not affect them, because they don't obey laws anyways.

People who use guns to kill, don't care about laws, so changing laws WILL NOT STOP THEM!

If they cared about obeying the law, they wouldn't being killing people in the first place.

My family, we are not white, and THAT is why my family has seen so many mass shootings, because every single mass shooting listed above, was done by a dangerous person, so blinded by racist hate that they felt the need to kill non-whites.

Racism is the problem.

Guns are only dangerous in the hands of haters, racists, and bigots.

But you people obsessing over the Colorado shooting, you act like mass shootings are rare... ad they are NOT... mass shooting happen all the time, they just don't get reported on very often.

We need better awareness to how often mass shootings happen.

it's not gun reform we need - we need police officers willing to do their jobs and #1 arrest the shooters not just take their guns away and #2 tell the news stations how often these near weekly mass shootings happen so the news can report on HOW OFTEN these events happen

#Awareness of how often mass shootings occur and don't get reported on by the news is what is needed

Maybe, if you stopped focusing on self and paid attention to something other than yourself for a change, you'd notice how vastly common gun crime is.

Don't rely on the news media to tell you the whole truth. They tell you pieces of the truth, and only as much of the truth as they think you want to hear, and only than, if they think it'll boost their ratings.

The daily mass shootings of Chicago are rarely in the news, because they happen so often, so many of them every day, that they are deemed "TOO BORING" to be news worthy.

The daily mass shootings of Boston are likewise, rarely in the news, because it's usually gang related and when was the last time you saw the news media report on anything the Mafia did?

The weekly mass shootings of Maine are almost never in the news, because no one in the lower 48 gives 2 shits about Maine.

If it isn't going to bring views or increase ratings, the news station isn't going to cover it, no matter what it is, including, and not limited to, mass shootings.

Gun reform is NOT going to fix the problem.

Responsible gun owners are already obeying the current gun laws.

Gun reform, is ONLY going to punish, responsible people, for things they would never do.

Mass shootings are committed by people who do obey gun laws, so changing gun laws, WILL NOT prevent mass shootings.

People who commit mass shootings, rarely buy their guns legally, so changing laws regarding gun sales, will NOT keep guns out of their hands.

What we need is NOT gun reform, wat we NEED is HONEST NEWS REPORTING.

We NEED news stations who report on ACTUAL daily news.

If people KNEW how many mass shootings occur **EVERY DAY, in ALL 50 STATES**, they would know who truly pointless and a waste of time a resources, gun reform is.


Details about the bomb that blew up my house, and the fireman who stole the bomb from Old Orchard Beach Police Department's evidence locker:


When you say "black lives matter",
do you REALLY mean it?
Are you sure?

When you say "Black Lives Matter"... do you mean the lives of ALL black people? 

Do ALL black lives matter to you? Or JUST the lives of black drug dealers, who beat black pregnant women to death, murder black babies, beat black children, and do 9 separate prison sentences for domestic violence against black women?

Do the lives of the black women and black children he beat to death mean NOTHING to you?

Please tell me why you would rename your school after a man who murdered a pregnant black woman ad her unborn black baby?

#Did HER black life not matter to you?

#Did HER black baby's life not matter to you?

Yes, black lives matter, but a murderer is a murderer no matter what color they are, and you shouldn't be renaming your streets, schools, hospitals, and airports after a monster who murdered a pregnant woman and her baby.

Did you know WHY that a white police officer killed a black murderer? To protect the lives of black women and children.

No, that police officer should not have taken the law into his own hands... but fact remains, he cared more about the lives of black women and black children that YOU do!

Do your research.

Know the facts.

Stop being a brain dead jackass parroting every word you hear others say.

Do your research and stop worshipping a man who devoted his life to murdering pregnant black women and their unborn black babies.

If black lives REALLY mattered to you, you'd STOP disrespecting the black women and black children, murdered by that monster. Every time you glorify his name, you tell are openly telling his black victims that THEIR black lives don't mean shit to you.

If you REALLY believe ALL black lives mattered, you would be renaming everything after the black pregnant woman he murdered, NOT naming your school after her murderer.

What message are you sending?

You are NOT sending the message that black lives matter... far from it in fact.

By renaming your school after a man who murdered pregnant black women, you are TEACHING your children it is okay to murder black women and black children... did you even stop to think about THAT?

Are you really so quick to want to please the crowd that you are willing to completely overlook the more than 900 accounts of rape, domestic violence, drug dealing, drive by shootings, and the murder of a pregnant woman? All committed by the one man, you are now renaming your schools, hospitals, streets, towns, and airports after?

You don't care about black lives, you only care about looking good in front of others.

If you cared about black lives, you'd care MORE about his 900+ black victims than you would him.

You people are fucking hypocrites.

All you care about is looking hip or cool or being part of the in crowd and doing what the popular people do. You don't give a shit about the trail of **BLACK** victims... the 900+ **BLACK LIVES** that were destroyed by the man you people are glorifying.

If you REALLY care about black lives, than prove it, and STOP DISRESPECTING the 1,000's of black families who REJOICE at the death of the terrorist crime lord gangster who terrorized their families for decades... stop worshiping the crime lord that made their BLACK lives a living nightmare.

Every time you glorify his name... you are telling ALL of his BLACK victims that their BLACK LIVES don't mean shit to you.

Look at you sheep, acting all righteous, pretending to care about others, when all you care about is your precious 15 minutes of fame. 

You don't care about black lives, you only care about being part of the in crowd. 

Fucking herd mentality. 

You'll do and say whatever you have to, just to be a part of the biggest, loudest group.

You chant "Black lives matter" with your mouths, but you don't mean it in your heart.

Those of us who aren't white - you don't give a shit about us.

You just want people to THINK you care... so long as it LOOKS like you care, you don't care about anything else.

Those of us who actually suffer at the hands of white bastards, you don't care about us, and you never will. And that can clearly be seen, by WHICH black face you wave on your signs... not a black hero, no, but an inhuman monster who broke into a house to steal drugs, but got the wrong address, and broke into the home of a pregnant black woman. A man who beat his child. A man who committed drive by shootings. A man whom at the time of his death had more than 40 warrants for his arrest. A man who'd already gone to prison for violent crimes 9 times. A man who HATED black lives, beat black lives, tortured black lives, abused black women, beat black children... if you REALLY cared about black lives, you WOULD NOT be glorifying a man like that, who destroyed hundreds of black lives.

Blind, mindless sheep. That's all you are.

You don't care about anyone. And you never will. All you care about is following the in-crowd, and doing and saying whatever they say, WITHOUT doing any research.

If you REALLY cared about black lives, you'd help the victims of crimes against them, NOT glorify the criminal who committed hundreds of crimes against hundreds of black women and black children.

Every time you name a school or street after him, you tell EVERY black person on the planet that their black lives DO NOT matter, because all that matters to you is glorifying the name of a man who was a terrorist to make yourself look good.

You rush to be the first in line so you will get the glory, and you completely overlook the greater harm that you are causing.

Black lives matter, but those words mean nothing to you, because all you're thinking about is your own self glory.

You are NOT seeing, worse, you are ignoring the MILLIONS of black people who are crying out to you idiotic white people, asking you white people to STOP glorifying the monster who terrorised so many black lives.

Your GLORY while you scream "Black lives matter" in front of news cameras, means MORE to you, than the the lives of of actual black people... we KNOW this, BECAUSE, you are ignoring the MILLIONS of black lives who are BEGGING you to stop glorifying the man who terrorised so many black lives.

In you rush to seem black-friendly, you forget to research the facts, and instead of promoting the good in the black community, you promote the scum bag that terrorized and own people, the man whom millions of black people are saying they are GLAD he's finally dead. GLAD that no more black women, no more black children, will be terrorized by that monster. And they are asking you to STOP glorifying him. 

Why won't you listen to what they are saying?

 *Could it be, that they are too BLACK for you to care about what they have to say? 

 *Are they too BLACK for you to listen to them?

 * Are they too BLACK for you to take the time to care about their feelings?

If you REALLY cared about black lives, then WHY are you IGNORING the pleas of his BLACK victims?

There are plenty of good strong, moral, decent, glory-worthy black people out there... so why are you glorifying the terrorist, crime lord, gangster whom black people themselves are BEGGING you to stop glorifying.

#By glorifying a man who devoted his live to hurting black people, you are letting your white superiority fly high.

Why aren't you naming your schools after the BLACK pregnant women he attacked? She's the real hero, not him. 

Why are glorifying HIM and not HER?

You scream "I can't breath" in his honor... what about HER? Could SHE breath while he was strangling her in her own home?

What about her unborn baby? Could IT breath while that monster was strangling it's mother to death?

Why aren't you naming your schools after the BLACK children he terrorised with his drive by shootings? 

Why are you glorifying a monster who thought nothing of shooting the innocent BLACK children, who were playing on the front lawns, completely unsuspecting that that monster was going to drive by shooting at everyone because he was mad at his drug dealer?

Why are you naming your school after a man who shot at children playing in their yards, as if they were bottles on a fence?

Do any of you even take the time to stop and THINK before you do these things?

That man was a monster. Who cares what color he was. Men like him are monsters no matter what color their skin is, they should NEVER be glorified.

Men who beat up pregnant women should NOT have schools named after them.

You people ought to be ashamed of yourselves, naming your schools after a man who terrorized pregnant women and black children.

You say black lives matter, but are you sure you REALLY mean it?

Why than do the lives of black pregnant women and black children, mean NOTHING to you?

How can you hypocrites stand there chanting "black lives matter" while in the same breath glorifying the man who made life hell for so many innocent black women and their children?

#In renaming your school after a man who spent decades raping, shooting, beating, torturing, and killing black people, you are saying that black lives DO NOT matter to you.

Worse, you are teaching the children who attend those schools, that it is OKAY for a man to beat pregnant women, shoot at children, deal drugs, and be a gangster. It that what you REALLY want your children to grow up to be?

#By renaming your school after a man who spent decades raping, shooting, beating, torturing, and killing black people, you are TEACHING YOUR CHILDREN... THAT raping, shooting, beating, torturing, and killing black people IS OKAY.

Children who attend a school named after a famous person, will be taught by the teachers of that school to idolize that person.

What are you going to do, when your child, idolizing that man, takes a gun to school, and shoots his pregnant teacher in honor of the man the school is named after, killing pregnant women in order to be more like the "hero" the school was named after?

#By renaming your school after a man who devoted his entire life to abusing black people, you are TEACHING YOUR CHILDREN... THAT abusing black people IS OKAY.

What are you going to do, when your child, idolizing that man, takes a gun to school, and shoots his classmates in honor of the man the school is named after, running through the halls of the school pretending to be doing a drive by shooting to be just like the "hero" the school was named after?

#in naming your school after a criminal who terrorized black people you are sending the message THAT BLACK LIVES DO NOT MATTER... don't you realize that?

Did you jackasses ever once stop to think about the long term effects of your actions?

Children aren't dumb. They'll do their research, they'll find out what kind of a man he REALLY was and seeing how much their teachers and parents glorify this this criminal, these children will take up guns in his honor, to do the things he did, because they'll think that's what your parents and teachers want.

Children want to please you. And when they see you honor and glorify a monster, they will do everything in their power to become just like that monster, killing in his name, just as he killed, dealing drugs in his name, just like he did, because they want to make you proud, and they are going think, with how much you worship that man, they'll think the ONLY way for you to ever be proud of them, is if they mimic everything he did in his lifetime, and they'll research and they learn, all the crimes he committed, and they'll re-enact every last one of them, just to make you proud.

By glorifying a criminal to hero status, you will teach your very own children, to be criminals, just like him, committing crimes far worse than he committed.

Open your eyes to the truth.

Stop following the fucking herd.

Take a step back and THINK before you act. 


FAQ: What advice would you give to someone looking to get started in streaming? How do I avoid burn out? What should I use to motivate me if I get burned out?

#FAQ: What advice would you give to someone looking to get started in streaming? How do I avoid burn out? What should I use to motivate me if I get burned out?


..........................


Advice?


Stream for fun, because streaming is what you enjoy doing, and always remember that: No one owes you anything.



#Note to streamers: 


Your viewers owe you nothing. 


Just because you stream, does not give you the right to demand your viewers be there every day, watch you every minute, or follow/subscribe/donate just because you asked them to.


Viewers are people. They have lives. Learn to respect that.


#Note to viewers: 


Streamers don't owe you a thing. 


Your views and your money does not give you the right to demand how often someone streams or what content they stream.


Streamers are people. They have lives. Learn to respect that.


#Why do I say that?


A culture of entitlement has risen up on Twitch, which has made it no fun to watch nearly every streamer whom has joined Twitch after May 2020.


You can tell immediately streamers who joined in the days of JustinTV from the ones who joined after the Amazon ownership... 


JustinTV had no monetization, so JustinTV streamers stream for fun, as a hobby, with no expectation of money, and that attitude stays with them to this day.


Amazon's Twitch introduced bits and subscriptions, and brought with it a rise of streamers who started streaming with the hopes of making money, but still doing it for fun and hobby and not looking at it as a career.


September 21, 2019, Twitch introduced ads, which played only on Partnered streams, with a handful of Affiliates also beta testing it. March 27, 2020, the ads reached Affiliates as well.


* January 2005, Twitch had 100 members.


* January 2016 Twitch had 200,000 members


* January 2018, Twitch had 1Million members.


* January 2020, Twitch had 2Million members


* January 2021, Twitch had 10Million members


**While January 2021 now boasts 10million streamers streaming every day on Twitch... there are only 1million active viewer accounts... Twitch's AI defends active viewer accounts as having logged in at least 1 day in the past 12 months and watched 1 stream**


As of January 2021, there are now *(according to Twitch's own stats tracking page)* an estimated 17 streamers for every 1 ACTIVE viewer.... meaning 16 out of every 17 streamers will be sitting at 0 viewers every stream, through no fault of their own, simply because there are not enough viewers to go around.


And THIS is what has caused much of the current problem we see now in 2021.


Between May 2020 and December 2020 8 million people joined Twitch... and many of them are very open in their outrage at the lack of viewers.


It is very difficult to find a channel which started in 2020, that does anything other than bitch about lack of viewers.


Myself, I get 3 to 10 viewers each stream, and Twitch's stats page lists me in the top 10% of the most viewed streamers on Twitch because I reach 3 to 10 viewers nearly every stream.


This is something that should be taken into consideration.


My channel is very tiny. As of today (March 13, 2021) it has: 


* 403 followers 


* 87,056 total views


* in the past 8 years has had in total 3 subscribers. 


* From ads has made $15.37. 


* In 8 years, has made in total $34 


* and is still $66 away from reaching the $100 threshold to receive the first payout.


* I have no donation options set up and thus have never once received a donation


* when streaming at my normal schedule I stream 6 to 9 hours 7 days a week *(in recent months, my health has disrupted this)*


As you can see from my stats, I do not make money from streaming, and yet I do it more hours per week than the average person works at a 9-5 job.


And Twitch lists me as one of the top 1,000 streamers... that alone should tell you how very difficult it is to gain viewers or followers on Twitch.


I started streaming in 2004 (on MySpace) so 2021 is my 17th year of streaming 60 hour weeks for no pay.


A lot of people ask me how I have done this for so many years, while having so few viewers, so few followers, and no money reward from it?


My answer is... I don't stream for OTHERS.


I stream for ME.


I stream because, I have fun streaming.


I DO NOT stream for YOU. YOU mean nothing to me. YOU are just a faceless username.


>>>I have Autism... ACTUAL Autism. Kanner's Syndrome, NOT Asperger's. Because of this, if I can not SEE YOUR FACE, I have ZERO ability to acknowledge you as a real person.

.

>>> If you want ME to acknowledge YOUR existence, you MUST be standing in the same room with me talking to me face to face. 

.

>>>This means that EVERYONE who talks to me online, including streamers who I'm in chat for, or you in my chat... 

.

>>>I am not capable of mentally acknowledging you as a REAL PERSON... because you are just a face on a screen, you are not sitting in the physical room with me.

.

>>> If I can not reach out and touch your face while you are talking, I can not acknowledge you as being a real person. 

.

>>>And because of THIS, YOU, your views, your follows, your money... none of that is important to me.

.


I DO NOT stream to try to get YOUR attention.


I DO NOT stream to get views. YOUR time spent watching me, is not something I care about.


I DO NOT stream to get followers. YOUR opinion of me does not matter to me.


I DO NOT stream to make friends. I friend REAL friends offline and don't need YOUR fake online pseudo-friendship.


I DO NOT stream to get fame. YOU knowing who I am is not important to me.


I DO NOT stream to entertain YOU.


#I stream for ME and not for YOU and THAT is why I can stream for 17 years to almost no one and not lose motivation.


This is why 403 followers in 8 years, doesn't bother me.


It's why often streaming to 0 viewers and almost never reaching 10 viewers, doesn't bother me.


It's why streaming for 60 hours a week for 17 years to rarely more than 3 people and never once receiving a single penny for it, doesn't bother me or cause me to lose motivation.


This question gets asked to me, a few times a week... how do I keep going and not lose motivations, and it is often asked to me by streamers with 5k+ followers, listing off "only getting $200 a month from subscribers", and after just 3 months of streaming they are burned out and wanting to give up.... they turn to me, a much smaller channel, doing this for nearly 2 decades, and puzzled as to why I did not give up like they are going after not even a full half a year.


The reason, is the motive.


I am NOT motivated by getting attention, so gaining viewers or followers does nothing to motivate me.


I am NOT motivated by being part of a club or group, so joining teams or moving in clique circles of streamers (what most new streamers refer to as "networking") does not motivate me.


I am NOT motivated by money, I have an income outside of streaming, so reaching income goals does not motivate me to stream.


I gain fewer than 10 new followers a month.


I consistently have very few viewers.


And yet... Twitch lists me as one of the top 1,000 most viewed channels on Twitch.


Why?


Because I enjoy what I do.


I'm not spending my time begging for followers, begging for subs, begging for bits, begging for viewers, begging for donations... so I don't get burned out.


Yes. I can understand why people get burned out when they spend 2 or 3 hours doing dull boring things like begging.


Think about it... is begging fun? No.


What is fun? Well, for me, picking flowers. Something I spent many hours doing, for the past 50 years, and now I'm crippled and I can't spend hours in the blueberry plains of Maine picking wildflowers like I've done my whole life... so... I seek out video games that let me pick flowers, and thus Witcher, Witcher 3, Don't Starve, and Subnautica, became the 4 video games that I play for many hours every day.


I can sit here and stream to no one for 10 or 12 hours each and every day, because I'm having fun with what I am doing... which for the past 3 years, has been playing Witcher 3 as Avallac'h, running around Skellige picking wildflowers, and not doing quests and not doing anything remotely close to normal gameplay.


If I was worrying about views, I'd have to play other games, games that are not as fun.


If I was seeking followers I would have to be constantly begging and pleading and groveling, asking people to follow.


 And if I wanted people to come back after following, than I'd have to be doing stupid stuff like eating foul jelly beans and drinking various hot sauces.


I love Jelly Bellies... I eat them almost daily, I have since the 1980s. I probably eat more Jelly Bellies in a single week than the average streamer ever will in their lifetime. So I've very familiar with the... bamboozalled beans... heck, I drink 3 to 4 cans of Moxie a day, you think Jelly Bellies "bad tasting" jelly beans is going to faze me? I hold place in the Guinness Book of World Records for how much Moxie I can chug... I wouldn't fun to watch eating those jelly beans, I can knock back an entire box without flitching... I'm a world record holding Moxie drinker... you want a real taste test challenge … you try drinking Moxie, one swig of Moxie and you'll be begging for the safety those so bad tasting beans.


So, for me... taste test challenges, hold no incentive. Those things people do, to gain views, people watch them, to watch them try to swallow something they hate... no one is interested in watching they chow down on something they eat every day.... heck, you see me guzzle down 3 or 4 cans of Moxie every single stream and I don't charge you a penny to watch me do it... it's just a thin I drink... any other streamer would be asking for a $500 donation and expect a week off from streaming just to taste Moxie and not even drink it.


Do you realize how much money I could make and many viewers I'd have, if I started asking people to pay to watch me drink Moxie? But I don't because, I drink Moxie like it was a water. Something you are well aware of if you watch me daily.


I'm not a competitive person. And so even though I'm drinking something others wouldn't touch for anything under a $500 donation, I see no reason to monetize my ability to drink something others call foul.


If viewers or followers or money ever became an incentive to motivate me to stream, all I would have to do is add a donation wheel and slap Moxie and Jelly Bellies on it and spend 10 hours doing what you watch me do on stream anyways... eating Jelly Bellies and drinking Moxie.


But... I think if I took a thing I love and tried to monetize it, I would get bored with that thing and burn out.


Does any of this make sense to you?


Do you understand how it answers your question?


#FAQ: What advice would you give to someone looking to get started in streaming? How do I avoid burn out? What should I use to motivate me if I get burned out?


In my experience, as a viewer, for 17 years... and seeing thousands upon thousands of streamers give up streaming less than 3 months after starting...


...the thing they ALWAYS have in common was this:


* They streamed for OTHERS... they did NOT stream for THEMSELVES.


By this I mean:


* They streamed with a goal of gaining a certain number of followers by a certain date.


* They streamed with the goal of getting so many viewers per stream.



#THEY DID NOT STREAM FOR THE PURE AND SIMPLE FUN AND JOY THAT COMES FROM STREAMING AS A HOBBY!


I've seen many who SAY they stream as a hobby, but in watching them, it is quickly clear they say that ONLY to try to sound cool or to try to hide their true goals, and ARE NOT actually streaming as a hobby.


How do I know this?


Easy.


#A hobby is a thing you do for self-enjoyment; you do it in your free time, when you are alone, by yourself, and no one is watching.


#While a hobby CAN be done with others, a hobby is a thing you do without any goal of sharing with others, because it is a private thing just for you and you love doing it so much that it doesn't matter to you if any one does it with you or not... others doing it with you is just an added bonus and you would still do it even if no one did it with you.


When you SAY that you stream as a hobby, but than you sit there bitching that you have no followers, no viewers, and talk about how disapointed you are to have no one to talk to in chat... you opening admit that you are LYING when you say streaming is a hobby.


There is nothing wrong with streaming for money. If that's your goal, go ahead and admit it. Stop lying to yourself saying streaming is a hobby.


There is nothing wrong with streaming to build a community of friends/followers/viewers... if that is your goal, than say so, stop lying to yourself calling streaming a hobby, when it's not!


Perhaps my culture is showing, seeing how I was born and raised in Maine, a place that has laws forbidden lies and telling a lie comes with the punishment of having one's tounge cut out, so I come from an extraordinarily honest culture that views lying as a grave sin....


...but I'm having a servere amount of culture shock at seeing how many people, partcuarly streamers, tell one lie after another, with dozens of lies rolling out of their mouths every single minute... and they think nothing of it.


I find the general acceptance of this culture of endless lies to be horrifying, vile, and disgusting. And I find both American and European laws to be deplorable for not punishing people for the sin of telling a falsehood.


But I feel it is because their society is so full of such deep degradation, perversion, sin, and immorality, that these streamers are truely unaware they are lying.


I find this level of immoral degradation so astounding, I have no words for it and can feel nothing but shock.


That people tell lies on a regular and daily basis is perhaps the most shocking thing watching Twitch has taught me.


And no where do we see more of this utter lack of morals than we do in newbie streamers who lie to their viewers and say "I stream for a hobby."


If you streamed for a hobby, than you would NOT be asking how to stay motivated.


If you streamed for a hobby - you would not NEED followers, viewers, subscribers, or donations to inspire you to keep on going.


A hobby is a thing that you do for personal satifaction.


If you are streaming for views... you are NOT streaming for a hobby.


Learn to tell the truth for once in your life, and you might find it easier to be honest with your motivation.


When you LIE about what motivates you to stream, you can not focus properly on your motivation.


Don't say streaming is you hobby, if it not.


Admit you stream for views.


Admit you stream for followers.


Admit you stream for money.


Admit you stream to seek out friends.


Stop lying to yourself.


The reason you get burned out if because you say one thing and do another. 


If you want to stream like I do? Well, I stream as a hobby. .. and while MOST streamers say streaming is a hobby, their action while streaming prove them liars.


Following my advice, will NOT work for you, if you stream for any reason other than a hobby.


Why?


Because I'm a hobby streamer and my advice will teach you only how to stream hobby stream methods.


I can't teach you to gain followers, because I don't try to gain followers myself.


I can't teach you how to gain viewers because viewers mean nothing to me.


Motivation to stream, for hours every day, for years on end, to no followers and no viewers, well, that I can teach you, but chances are high you won't like what I have to say.


Why?


Because when you stream as a hobby, you stream whatever the hell you want to stream, and tell the viewers to fucking go to hell.


The viewers either watch what you stream or they fuck off.


As a hobby streamer, I don't kiss the mighty viewer ass.


As a hobby streamer, I know that the viewers owe me nothing.


As a hobby streamer I expect nothing from my viewers.


As a hobby streamer, I owe my viewers nothing.


As a hobby streamer, I don't whore myself out for view or follows or subs or donations.


As a hobby streamer, I'm not looking to build a community.


As a hobby streamer, I'm not looking to make friends.


As a hobby streamer, I'm not trying to make money.


As a hobby streamer, I'm free to take off a day, a weekend, a week, a month, even a full a year like I did in 2020, just took the entire year off.


If I lose viewers or followers from taking time off, it's not a problem, because as a hobby streamer I know the viewers are real people, who have real lives and real friends offline and real families, and they don't owe me a thing.


If they come back when I return from a long break, great; if not, well, it's a sad lose yes, but, they have their own lives to live and owe me nothing.


I'm not a slave master demanding loyalty of my followers, which sadly is what many streamers today, thing streaming is.


Since May 2020, we've seen a massive rise is a horrifying "culture of entitlement" spreading across Twitch, faster than Covid-19 spread across New York City.


I've never seen anything like this before. Not in all 17 years of streaming. Not on Twitch. Not on YouTube. Not on PornHub. Not on any of the 14 other streaming sites I use. No where.


It's bizarre.


They act like because they created a Twitch channel, now they re the end all be all, God of all creation, and they DESERVE viewers. They DESERVE followers. They DESERVE to have donations thrown at them. 


And they get angry if they aren't at 10,000 followers and 5,000 viewers and earning $1,000 a day, by the end of their first week of streaming.


And the they start hounding "bigger" streamers, like my channel... you know, us HUGE streamers who have 3 to 10 viewers every stream, under 500 followers, and after a decade or more of streaming have yet to reach the $100 payout threshold ... us HUGE streamers... who made it on to Twitch's list of the Top 1,000 most viewed streamers on Twitch, because we are the top 1% of Twitch to gain 3 to 10 viewers per steam...


...they turn to us and bitch and moan and rave and rant their hatred and jealousy for us... they see own names in the Top 1,000 list and make up lies about us claiming we are millionaires ... 


... than they rush to Twitter and try to spread hateful rumors about us hoping to kill our channels because they think we are making so much more money than they are...


.... then, after 3 months of streaming to no one and bashing us "big" streamers on Twitter, they start contacting us "big" top 1,000 list most viewed channels to ask us, how we did it, why don't we burn out, why are we still motivated....


And the reason THEY burn out and I didn't... is I mind my own business, and just stream for fun... I'm not focused on views or follows or subs or money or running around social media trying to bring others down... I just play my video games, turn off view counters, turn off chat, and having fun playing Witcher 3.


I don't burn out because: 


* I don't stress myself out trying to please others.


* I don't stress myself out worrying what other streamers are doing.


* I don't stress myself out trying to compete with others.


* I don't stress myself out worrying about numbers.


**You burn out because you focus on stressful things.**


#If you want to stop burning out, than just stop focusing on stressful things. It really is that simple.


As for motivation? 


You shouldn't NEED motivation.


No matter what you are doing, not just streaming, but ANYTHING in your life... if you ever feel you need outside incentive, aka, motivaton, to do it, than, that's how you know it's time to move on.


If your 9-5 job is such that you are no longer motivated to get up and go to work, than it's time to quit that job, and look for a new job.


If you can't find motivation to stream, just stop streaming.


You don't owe your viewers anything.


Move on. Find something else to do.


There's no shame in that.


If you lack motivation, that means you are bored, stressed, upset, or otherwise not having fun.


If you lack motivation, that means the joy has gone away and what you are doing is no longer fun to do.


Take my chat for example.


I joined Twitch in the days before chat was a thing.


So, my first years of streaming, we streamers talked TO chat, just like a YouTube video... we didn't talk WITH any LIVE chat because live chat had not yet been invented.


At first, live chat was great. Taking to viewers, live, while I streamed, made streaming even more fun than it already was.


But than 2018, the deserve to be raped raids hit my chat and, even 7 chat bots and 78human mods couldn't keep on top of the 2,000+ bullies we had to ban every stream.


Streaming became no longer fun.


But... it wasn't streaming that was the issue. I still loved streaming. I still enjoyed streaming. I was still motivated to stream.


Chat was the problem.


Chat was no longer fun.


Chat had become stressful.


I have post traumatic stress disorder, and chat was refusing to obey the chat rules that asked not to talk about certain topics, topics which were triggers, specifically rape and torture and sex... rape is a trigger for me, torture is a trigger for me, sex is a trigger for me, and BDSM torture-sex is a very bad trigger for me... and yet, suddenly I had 2,000 bullies in chat doing nothing but talking about rape and torture and sex and BDSM and they were creating new accounts as fast as we banned them.


Chat was going out of it's way to TRY to trigger my PTSD panic attacks... they'd seen that they could do it, they triggered a massive seizure one of the very first rape raids... they saw real fast how seriously severe a medical condition this was, that they could put me in a coma live on stream, that they could trigger a catatonic seizure and me with no live in nurse to help and no one to shut the stream down... I could have died on stream... and they thought that was funny and tried actively went out of their way to try to trigger this very life threatening medical emergency again.


Attempted murder... that's what it was... and the law saw it that way, that's why 6 streamer were arrested for instigating these rape raid attacks... 2 of the streamers each got 2 years in prison and the other 4 each got 6 months in jail... and the charge was "attempted murder" because they knew I had a serious medical condition that could be triggered by talking about rape, sex, torture, and BDSM, and tried to trigger it on purpose, with the GOAL of trying to put me in a coma during a livestream.


And so... chat is now emote only.


Chat was the problem.


Streaming was not the problem.


I had not lost motivation to stream.


But I had lost motivate to interact with chat, after chat tried to kill me.


Chat is gone from channel now.


Unfortunately ... a side effect of what they did was a stroke, and my already poor health, becoming much worse, and since the rape raids, which caused not 1 but rather 3 strokes in a single month's time, I'm now struggling to even breath, my lungs suffering greatly from the stroke that the rape raids caused, and while I'm motivated to stream, since the rape raids, I'm no longer able to stream for more than 2 or 3 hours a day and only 1 or 2 days a week at best.


Chat tried to kill me and they almost did, and now in 2021, I'm still struggling to regain use of my lungs.


A side effect of my lungs not functioning properly, is I now sleep 18 to 42 hours to a time.


My low breathing function, puts my brain into a "sleep mode" and entire days pass between me being awake.


That's why I don't stream daily any more. I try to but, often I wake up thinking it's the next morning, and find out I went 2 or 3 days ago, and completely slept through half the week.


When you understand how frail my health is, than you understand, why I don't give 2 shits about views or followers... I have bigger things to worry about - like trying to stay alive from one day to the next.


I can't be bothered to worry about petty meaningless things like how many followers or viewers I got a social network online.


The online world is just that - a virtual world. The real world is the important one.


So while you worry about meaningless virtual world problems, I worry about real world problems.


That's why I don't burn out or lose motivation to stream.


Because I know the difference between the virtual world of the internet and the real world offline.


I know the difference between things that are ACTUALLY important and things that are insignificant.


NOTHING on the internet has any real importance.... some day you'll grow up and you'll understand that too. And when you do, you'll realize all your worry about numbers, view counts, follower goals... it was all for naught.


Don't wait too long to learn that the REAL world, offline, is what is important. Many people wait too long to learn that. And when it's too late, they realize, how very much too late they learned that lesson.


Real people matter. Your family. Your friends. Your pets. Your town. They matter. Put them first.


If you put ANYTHING you do online, before them, than you're a fool.


And that's what I'm seeing spreading across Twitch, right now... millions of streamers who don't give 2 shits about anything or anyone, cruel, cold, heartless, callous people chasing after the glut lust for he who has the most numbers. Attacking every one they see, thinking they have to beat down others to get to the top.


Not only do not have fun while streaming, they also not fun to watch.


Than they wonder WHY they burn out, why they lack motivation?


Because they are not having fun.


When fun is gone, burn out begins.


When fun fleas, motivation goes with it.


Restore the joy, and burn out melts away.


Bring back the fun, and motivation returns.


Why don't I burn out?


Because I do the thing that is fun for me to do.


Right now that's Witcher 3.


I didn't start out playing Witcher 3. I started out with Sonic the Hedgehog 2 and a camera sitting on the table behind me pointed at the TV screen...yeah, I didn't even have screen capture or capture card... because in 2004, screen capture and capture cards had not yet been invented.


I never stuck with one game. Changed games almost daily. Just playing whatever game I felt like playing.


My family was murdered in April & May 2015. The court case went on for almost 2 years. I started playing Witcher 3 in March 2016, as a way to de-stress after long days in court.


The trial finally ended October 2016 and, the fact that my family was dead and I'd never see them again, finally hit me, and I for some reason, because I played Witcher 3, every day after coming home from court, for some reason I couldn't stop playing it after the court trail ended. And I've just played it ever since.


I think the characters in Witcher 3, took the place of my family. 


I had a very large family. 12 children were kidnapped April 10, 2015... 10 of them were murdered May 15, 2015.


The court case dragged on for 2 years.


After court every day, I came home to an empty house.


Witcher 3, was a new game, it had just been released, so it was the game I just happened to pick up and start playing. For no other reason than it was there. Had this all happened a different time, different year, it wouldn't have been Witcher 3, it would have been some other game.


I also think, Witcher 3, is not necessarily anything to do with it... I think I would have done the same thing no matter which game I had played. Whatever game I had played during the court case, I think would have gotten stuck on eternal play, for no other reason that it was the last thing I was doing when my family died.


The Avallac'h obsession, was not a thing early on.


In 2017, I found a very item in the game. Avallac'h's diary, which reveals his horrible childhood, and the murder of his entire family when he was 10 years old... his parents, his siblings, his pets... before than I had no interest in reading the novels. I bought the novels the very next day... I wanted to find out more about Avallac'h... and I did. Oh boy did I. He lost his family again, years later, when his wife left him for another man, and than, lost his family a 3rd time, when she returned, only to be murdered that same day.


I had started playing Witcher 3 to block out the dead silence of a dead family... murdered... there are so few people who survive when their entire family is murdered that there is no one for me to talk to who can even begin to understand what it is like to to survive what happened to me and my family... so I just zoned out to playing video games, and while doing so, found a character, I could identify with, because he'd lost his family as well, also to murder.


You really do need to know the full story behind not only WHY I stream, but WHY I stream Witcher 3 and WHY I made mods to allow me to play as Avallac'h.... to fully understand WHY I don't burn out or lose motivation.


You see... if I stop playing the game... there is nothing for me to do but sit in an empty house and think about every one who died and left me behind, alone.


It's soul crushing.


My drive to stream, my motivation, is very simply, from a need to fill in the silence that fills every corner after my family was murdered.


I don't stream for views.


I don't stream for followers.


I don't stream for money.


I stream to block out the silence that surrounds me.


I stream to block out the memories of laughter that is no longer there.


Stream for fun, because streaming is what you enjoy doing, and always remember that: No one on Twitch owes you anything.


Your viewers owe you nothing. 


Just because you stream, does not give you the right to demand your viewers be there every day, watch you every minute, or follow/subscribe/donate just because you asked them to.


Viewers are people. They have lives. Learn to respect that.


Same goes for viewers.


Streamers don't owe you a thing. 


Your views and your money does not give you the right to demand how often someone streams or what content they stream.


Streamers are people. They have lives. Learn to respect that.


Lack of respect... that’s the biggest problem on Twitch. No one has any respect for any one else. Like I said, a culture of entitlement. 


I suppose that must be what comes from living in 1st world conditions. I wouldn’t know. I live in a 3rd world region. Perhaps that is why I find Twitch culture so bizarre. Things like bitchy demands to join your Discord server, when I live in a region that doesn’t even have access to phones, so I can’t join your precious phone app club house.


I didn’t post your entire question, but I’ll answer even the parts I did not post.


You say you’ve been streaming for almost a month and you find yourself lacking motivation.


Have you ever considered, perhaps the problem is, you have too much and are too used to being pampered?


Here’ some things to try:


* Go outside and dig a trench for this months feces bucket dumping... oh wait, you don’t have to do that do you? You have indoor plumbing and toilets, don’t you? Lucky you. That’s a luxury where I live. Most people in Maine would kill for the option to take a shit on a warm seat inside a building.


* Maybe you should hike a few miles to the nearest brook, creek, or stream, and haul several gallons of water for drinking this week. It’s not clear, straining out all the mud, bugs, and tapeworms is rather difficult, it takes hours to get the firepit hot enough or the fire big enough to boil the tapeworms dead without boiling out the water... just let them settle to the bottom and drink around them... oh that’s right, you have indoor plumbing, and clean water to drink, and you don’t cook outside over an open fire. You have luxuries like a sink and bottled water. Lucky you.


It’s no wonder you are bored and lacking in motivation. You sit in the lap of luxury. You sleep indoors. You have clean water to drink. I bet you get to eat a meal at least once a day and don’t have to make a single sandwich last an entire weeks of meals.


I guarantee if you lived here in Maine, and you were blessed with an extremely rare luxury of having the internet, and a video game set up... you wouldn’t bitching about boredom and needing motivation.


You want my kind of motivation? Well, the first step to that, is living in a 3rd world region in what most call “utter destitution” and “homelessness”. 


I don’t get bored with streaming or lack motivation, because of the life I live.


I doubt you could even begin to comprehend the lifestyle I live, any more than I could even begin to understand you lazing around in the lap of luxury.


You want my type of motivation... I’d tell you to walk a mile in my shoes, if I had any for you to walk in. 


There’s one to try:


* Try shovelling snow, in -40f weather, BAREFOOT.


Can you do that? I’ve been doing it for 50+ years.


You don’t need motivation, you need a reality check.


You need to get off your fucking high horse and take a good long look at the world around you. You with your 1st world pampered boredom and slothful lack of motivation, you are in the top 3% of the world’s population. The rest of the world, lives like I do or worse, and can only dream of your petty 1st world problems, like being bored or lacking motivation.


Starvation, now there’s a good motivation.


When you have to get off your ass and hoe the ground, plant the seeds, pull the weeds, harvest the crops, stock the fire, and cook your own meals... you don’t have time to be bored and the chance to stream is a reward.


Frostbite, is another good motivation.


When you have to set traps, skin corpses, tan hides, and sew your own fur counts and blankets, and pray you have enough layers of fur to wear and sleep on, to keep out the 12 foot blizzards, the -120F wind, and the -40f weather, in a region that gets only 3 hours of sunlight a day... the time you get to spend streaming, is such a good reward, you won’t need any other motivation.


This is how I live.


I grow my own food. Hunt my own cloths. And while the rest of America bemoans a winter of oh look 2 inches of snow and 30F weather, for one week of the year... that’s the weather we get in an August heat wave. We have snow year round here... and Mt Washington, is right next door, with the coldest weather on the entire planet. We are lucky if the weather gets as HIGH as 40F in the summer.


And, no, I’m not complaining. I like where I live. I like this lifestyle. I live here by choose. I don’t like 1st world living conditions any more than I like 1st world society. You people are slaves to your possessions, and when disaster strikes, you won’t survive because you don’t know how to live off the land. You spend you life separated from nature. I live at one with the planet. But the fact remains, you boo-hooed to me, asking WHY I don’t get bored, how can I possibly remain motivated for 17 years of streaming and “getting no where” as you put it. 


I live a harsh life, in a harsh region, in an even harsher society. For me, streaming is a reward. Streaming is precious. I don’t take it for granted like you do. It’s not a “ho hum, I’m bored, I’ll stream” for me. 


I don’t stream to gain views or followers or subscribers or friends or build a community or have a career... I stream after a long hard day of work. I stream to relax. I stream, simply because, I’m done with my chores and have free time for a hobby. Streaming is my hobby. The thing I do, for fun, after work.


You get bored and lose motivation, because you have nothing to fill your time. You don’t appreciate life. You have all your needs met in the blink of an eye. It is because you do no hard work, that you find yourself bored when doing things like streaming or playing games.


Video games are toys.


Toys are rewards.


Rewards are things you receive at the end of the day/week/month/year after you’ve finished your work.


You try to take a reward, and turn it into a career, and that it why streaming is not rewarding for you.


When streaming and playing video games is a rare treat, a reward for work well done, you’ll find you don’t get bored, you don’t lose motivation.


And that is the difference between you and me.


For me: 


* Video games are toys.


* Toys are rewards.


* Rewards are things you receive at the end of the day/week/month/year after you’ve finished your work.


* Streaming and playing video games is a rare treat, a reward for work well done, so I don’t get bored, and I don’t lose motivation.


THAT is why I can stream for 17 years to almost no one and not lose motivation.


This is why 403 followers in 8 years, doesn't bother me.


It's why often streaming to 0 viewers and almost never reaching 10 viewers, doesn't bother me.


It's why streaming for 60 hours a week for 17 years to rarely more than 3 people and never once receiving a single penny for it, doesn't bother me or cause me to lose motivation.


Viewers do not motivate me.


Followers do not motivate me.


The opinion of others, does not motivate me, that is why I can shut off chat and stream without it, and why I can ban 2,000 viewers without batting an eye.


I don’t rely on OTHERS for my happiness.


Happiness and joy are found from within.


If you look for others to make you happy, you will never be happy.


If you rely on others to provide you with joy, you will never feel true joy at all.


I live in 3rd world living conditions, and yet I am always filled with joy... and you in your 1st world luxuries, you can’t find any joy at all.


My family was murdered, and yet I always laugh and smile... and you with your family beside you living in your 1st world luxuries, you can’t find any reason to laugh or smile.


My grandmother died when I was 8 years old, she left me everything, disinherited everyone else... so my 12 enraged uncles, locked me in a cage... a rusted raccoon trap... shoved it in a woodshed... tossed a single salted herring to me to food, once every 12 days... and there I remained until I was 31 years old and an FBI raid rescued me. 


My uncles used me as an income... they charged Mormon high priests $12,000 to rape me. 


I had been raped more then 500 times by the time I was 12 years old.


I became “mute” at age 14, after a cinder block was used to shatter my jaw.... I was 42 years old when I was able to speak again for the first time in decades, thanks to surgery to restore my jaw, and implant 7 false teeth.


I never went to school.


I was 37 years old when I learned how to eat with silverware and walk on my feet not crawl on all 4s, and talk with human words... now speak in cat growls and hisses.


When they rescued me, the social workers, called me a feral child. I’m in 100s of college Psychology test books, thousands of psychiatrists have studied me. They still do to this day. They say they are astounded that I’ve assimilated into society as well as I have.


I suffer from a freak medical condition - I show no outward sign of pain - slice a knife through my arm to the bone and out the other side and I don't flinch, don't cry, don't make a sound. The hallmark of REAL Autism, ACTUAL Autism - how you can prove someone who is REALLY Autistic from the self-diagnosed Aspie who wouldn't know recognize Autism if they saw it.


In spite of 1 in every 3 people CLAIMING to be Autistic, only 1 in every 1,200,000 people ACTUAL has REAL Autism. It's one of the rarest diseases in the world... and you can easily prove REAL Autism from fake ass wannabes with their self diagnoses, by slice their flesh open or breaking their bones, and watching to see if they respond, if they scream.


My uncles, especial that bastard Bruce, thought it was funny, changed people money to watch him stab me and beat me with bricks. He claimed I felt nothing. Not true. I felt everything, I just show no outward signs of pain, but I still feel pain.


Men who stab children with knifes and beat them with bricks, to stand back and laugh, they nothing but cruel heartless monsters.


Since I was a baby I was nothing but a freak show to be put on display.


The FBI rescued me, but the fucking news reporters glorified it. Sensationalized it and than fucking Stephen King saw the news reports and immortalized me far worse than fucking paparazzi did.


I went from being a caged display piece in a Gypsy Carnival Freak Show to being front page news to being plastered all over a Stephen King movie without my permission. 


Since the FBI raid that rescued me, my life has been nothing but being studied by psychiatrists because I'm medical freak, chased down by Stephen King fans because he fucking put me in a movie, harassed by racist white power Gypsy haters again because of Stephen King's fucking Thinner, always having to dodge reporters every time I try to go shopping, and stalked every where I go by my fucking uncles and their clan because they live by fucking Mafia-style laws that say you don't leave family unless you die.


Always on public display.


Never a minute's privacy.


My entire life.


Not a moment's peace.


Not once in 50 years.


Always under every one's spot light like a bug under a fucking microscope.


No one has ever respected my privacy. NO ONE!


I’ve never been loved.


I’ve never been wanted.


I’ve never been hugged.


Not once has a kind word ever been said to me.


Perhaps that contributes to my outlook on life... and why I am so fully aware that video games and streaming are luxuries to be thankful for, not things to take for granted and be bored with.


In the end, nothing I do or say, and nothing any one else does or says, can help you.


I can't help you gain motivation. No one can.


You have to seek motivation from within yourself.


Motivation, like joy and happiness, anger and hate, love and sadness, is a choose you actively make.


No one can give you any of those things.


No one can cause any of those things.


You feel those things by your own choice.


You can only be bored if you CHOOSE to be bored.


You can only be happy if you CHOOSE to be happy.


You can only feel joy if you CHOOSE to feel joy.


You will only motivation if you CHOOSE to be motivated.


I can not help you feel any of those things. No one can.


You CHOOSE your feelings, your reactions, your motivations, all by yourself.


You have to help yourself.


Stop being lazy.


Stop relying on others to feel for you.


You'll forever feel a lack of motivation, for EVERYTHING, if you forever wait for someone else to motivate you.


You'll be bored with EVERYTHING, if you constantly wait for others to inspire you.


If you can not inspire yourself, you'll forever live a life lacking in inspiration. You'll forever be bored. You'll forever sloth your way through endless lack of motivation in all that you do.


My childhood was full of motivation:


* motivation to survive


* motivation to stay alive


* motivation to castrate as many men as possible - I was 8 years old when I learned the best protection from rapists is to slice off their balls with a machete – what were YOU doing when you were 8 years old?


* motivation to claw and bite everyone who beat me with bricks, stabbed me with forks - I was also 8 years old when I learned how to bite hard enough to draw blood and rip off abuser fingers with my teeth


I know motivation better than most.


You want my kind of dedication to motivation... learn to survive the levels of abuse I was subjected to... nothing will teach you motivation, dedication, and discipline faster than fighting for your life every single day your entire childhood.


You don't have time to be bored when you are 8 years old being vivisected by your older cousin on orders from your uncles, and Draino poured into the wounds.


Nothing motivates you like being 8 years old and gang raped by Mormon high priests armed with knives and hammers, slicing your flesh and breaking your bones, for sexual pleasure.


You want my kind of dedicated motivation? I guarantee you don't.


I wasn't the only child they caged and abused. July 19, 2016, the FBI dug up the sawed up bones of 31 other children, in GooseFare Brooke Ravine, in the Reclaim Blueberry Plains, in the Ross Forest, of Old Orchard Beach, Maine, my cousins, most of them dumped there in the 1970s, children who unlike me didn't have the fortitude to fight back, didn't have the will to survive.... were not motivated to spite their abusers and live.


I could have been like the others, too bored, too lacking in motivation to fight back and stay alive.... but my desire to live, motivated me and now I'm free. 


Caged for 27 years, from the time I was 8 years old until I was 31.


I didn't have the luxury of school or friends like you did.


I lived my entire childhood, teen years, and young adult years in a cage... and THAT is why I have the motivation I have in everything I do.


I'm a survivor.


I was motivated to live.


So you can also see, why you see you as pampered and silly, for boo-hooing, your lack of being motivated to play with toys.


Be glad you are blessed to be a child who has toys, has school, has parents who feed you, and are more than just the cash cow of adults who sell you to rapist priests.


Your lack of motivation to play video games, speaks volumes to the pampered lap of luxury you live in.


You want for nothing.


Everything is handed to you on a silver platter.


You don't know hardship.


You don't know starvation.


You don't know abuse.


You don't know rape.


You don't know what it is to fight for your life.


You don't know what it is to lay on a rusted wire cage floor, your arms and legs sliced to the bone, your bones broken, drinking your own blood because it's the only liquid you have to drink... and sleep that way every day, for 27 years, from the time you are 8 years old.


Until you know that kind of torture, that kind of abuse, you'll never know my kind of motivation.


Until you actively help yourself, you’ll continue on in your boredom and lack of motivation.


If you are so bored and so lacking in motivation that you feel the need to ask others how to not be bored and how to be motivated, than I would think that is red flag trying to tell you that streaming just isn’t something you enjoy doing.


Nothing wrong with that. Streaming is not for everyone. There is no reason to force yourself to do a thing you do not enjoy. Find another hobby, one that you DO enjoy. One that doesn't bore you. One that you are naturally motivated to do.



FAQs: How can you like Avallac'h when he....

#TIP: Before asking me a question about Avallac’h:


* Make sure that you ACTUALLY mean AVALLAC’H and not Vilgefortz, Leo, King Auberon, or some other character.


* Make sure your source has ACTUALLY read the Witcher novels.


* Make sure you are ACTUALLY ASKING A QUESTION and are not just spewing mindless hate because a troll worked you up into a frenzy, telling you lies about me and/or Avallac’h then sent you here. 


* Make sure your source for the info is not a troll jebating you into anger.


* Make sure the source of your information is not a 4Chan/QAnon jackass with “Chan” in their username, as 99.99% of everything they have to say about EVERYONE real and fictional is out right lies intended to troll you and laugh at you for making a fool of yourself getting angry over something that never happened at all.


#Know that 99.9% of the stuff you people are accusing Avallac’h of doing, is stuff that was done by other characters. 


#Nearly 99.9% of everything you people attribute to Avallac’h was something done by:


* Vilgefortz


* Leo Bonhart


* King Auberon


* ...and was NOT done by Avallac’h.


#Brain – it’s the thing that keeps you alive. It does other things too. Learn how to use it.


It’s not that difficult to tell Avallac’h from Leo, Avallac’h from Vilgefortz, Avallac’h from King Auberon ... it’s really not. Go back and re-read the Witcher novels again. Focus your eyes on the words instead of speed skimming over the page. Actually pay attention this time. You’ll soon learn the error of your mistakes, and will quickly find, that in all your bitching about Avallac’h, all you’ve done is prove yourself an idiot with poor reading comprehension skills.


* Avallac’h is NOT Leo.


* Leo put Ciri in pits of monsters and charged people money to watch her be tortured.


* Avallac’h DID NOT put Ciri is pits of monsters or charge people money to watch her be tortured.


* Avallac’h is NOT Vilgefortz.


* Vilgefortz is the sadistic mage with a baby breeding program, who keeps little girls, including Ciri in cages in the dungeons of his castle, and sadisticly tortures them with torture devices.


* Avallac’h is NOT a mage, he is a scientist.


* Avallac’h does NOT have a baby breeding program.


* Avallac’h does NOT keep little girls cages.


* Avallac’h does NOT have any dungeons, because he’s does NOT have a castle.


* Avallac’h does NOT own any torture devices.


* Avallac’h is NOT King Auberon.


* King Auberon physically, sexually, and emotionally abused Ciri. King Auberon sexually molested Ciri, every night for weeks. King Auberon, demanded sex from Ciri, then beat the hell out of her if she tried to have sex with him.


* Avallac’h did NOT physically, sexually, and emotionally abuse Ciri. He was however, often in the room when King Auberon abused Ciri and didn’t do a damned thing to stop the King from molesting or beating Ciri....


* ...HOWEVER... we are told, that Avallac’h is the King’s prisoner, has a powerful pendant around his neck that is forcing him to be powerless against his masters *(King Auberon and The Unicorns)*... and that Avallac’h in his true form is a 130ft (40m) serpent forced into Elf form against his will by that same amulet... and that this is WHY he can’t do anything to stop King Auberon from abusing Ciri, nor disobey any order from King Auberon... and Avallac’h is incapable of removing the necklace, which can only be removed by a woman who loves him...


* ...AND... we are also told Avallac’h is plotting to kill King Auberon and has made poisoned fistech to kill the King with because he does not like what King Auberon is doing to Ciri


It is dreadfully annoying to be constantly sent the same few questions over and over and over and over... and they are never questions about DID Avallac’h do the things he’s accused of, they are always instead accusations thrown at me for liking Avallac’h even though he did this or that, but than, the things he is accused of doing are never things he did and are always things some other character did.


The confusion is caused by readers who have ZERO reading comprehension ability, getting confused about what they read, mixing characters up, than running to the internet and CLAIMING character A did things character B did.


The Witcher novels are written in what is known as “The Ernest Hemingway Style/Format”, which is considered to be the worst, most atrocious, least reader friendly style of writing. Every English/Grammar teacher/professor is going to tell you to avoid this writing style like the plague, because nothing is going to confuse your readers faster.


The Ernest Hemingway Style/Format is incredibly rare, seen almost exclusively in use by  The Ernest Hemingway himself (thus the name of it) and is considered to be a pretentious/snooty, style of writing that is only recommended for writing things such as PhD Doctorates, drafts from Bills/Laws/Congress, Law Dockets for court cases, and other legal papers, as only high IQ people are even capable of being able to comprehend how to read The Ernest Hemingway Style/Format and actually understand what it is that they have read.


The Ernest Hemingway Style/Format should NEVER be used in a novel, and one has only to read a novel written by Ernest Hemingway to see why.


* The average person reads on a 3rd grade level.


* Because of this, the average novel is written using 3rd  grade grammar.


* The average college textbook is written using 8th grade grammar and is comprehensible to only 9% of the population.


* The Ernest Hemingway Style/Format is 4th year Doctorate student level and is nearly incomprehensible to EVERYONE with an IQ of anything lower than 135.


* Only .00003% of the world’s population scores at 135IQ or higher.


* Meaning only .00003% of the world’s population is going to be able to read the Witcher novels and come anything close to being able to mental understand what they have read.


It was poor choice on Andrzej Sapkowski’s part to use The Ernest Hemingway Style/Format when writing The Witcher novels, but he is one of the world’s rare few actually high IQ people and he wrote on the same reading level he is capable of reading, and made no attempt to cater to the reading level of the general public, so, it is understandable why so many people get so many characters so very mixed up with one another.


The average person simply is not capable of fully wrapping their mind around the legalize format used by lawyers when writing bills, laws, IRS tax forms, and court dockets, so when that same format shows up in a novel, it’s simply beyond reason to expect the average reader to be able to comprehend what they are reading while reading said novel.


Poor choice that it may be, the fact remains, The Witcher novels are written in The Ernest Hemingway Style/Format and suffer from the following flaws rarely seen in novels:


* big words, often in Latin without translation... the full, correct, scientific Latin versions of common every day words, often leaves readers 100% clueless as to what a simple, common, every day item is because they don’t have a dictionary laying around to look up the common word of the Latin word used


* dry, often boring, technical writing that reads like it was written by a team of the worlds most stuck up, pretensions, highest IQ, most elite law firm


* name tags don’t exist: no Geralt said, Ciri said, he said, she said.... dialogue looks like this:


>>>”I am talking right now.”

>>>.

>>>”Did I tell you, you could talk?”

>>>.

>>>”I‘m talking any ways.”

>>>.

>>>”I told you you should have gagged her.”

>>>.

>>>”I’m sick of you telling me what to do.”

>>>.

>>>”I’m not listening to any of you.”

>>>.

.

.


How many characters where talking?


The answer is 4.


Normal novels would read like this instead:


>>>”I am talking right now,” said One.

>>>.

>>>”Did I tell you, you could talk?” Two demanded.

>>>.

>>>”I‘m talking any ways.”

>>>.

>>>”I told you you should have gagged her,” Three interjected.

>>>.

>>>”I’m sick of you telling me what to do,” pouted Two.

>>>.

>>>”I’m not listening to any of you,” retorted Four.

>>>.

.

.

The hallmark of The Ernest Hemingway Format is it’s complete and utter lack of dialogue/name tags.


The Ernest Hemingway Style requires the reader to pay very careful attention to character voice, tics, and quirks in how they speak. It requires the author to do huge amounts of making sure each character has a unique quirk. One character stutters, one uses bad grammar, one uses reversed pronouns, one slaps her ass and shrieks “Nahnahnahnahnahnaaaaa!” at the end of every sentence like it was a period, ect.


In this, Andrzej Sapkowski EXCELS above any author I’ve ever seen, including Ernest Hemingway. There are 5,000+ characters with speaking roles in the Witcher novels and, he did give each and every one of them their own unique speaking quirk, and you CAN, if you are careful at paying attention, tell who every character is, without ever seeing their name, just by how they talk.


This is an astounding feat.


That Andrzej Sapkowski was able to pull of 8 novels of 400+ pages each, with 5,000+ characters, without dialogue tags, is mind boggling.


When I quote character dialogue in my articles, I add their names at the start of the line, because their names were not there in the novels.


All of this, has yet to add the most mind blowing aspect of The Ernest Hemingway Style/Format, which is what trips of even the most competent readers: 


#LITERAL & ACCURATE TIMELINE OF EVENTS!


Chapter 5 of Lady of the Lake, is quoted by readers as being by far the single most confusing section of the Witcher novels.


Why?


Because of how time flows in the Witcher novels.


You see the events IN ORDER of the happening.


Meaning HUGE amounts of head hopping and constant Point of View shifts from one sentence to the next.


What does this mean?


It means this:


* It is 7AM. Sentence one tells you what Ciri is doing on Planet A with Avallac’h. Sentence 2 does not start a new paragraph and tells you what Geralt is doing in the blizzard in the North of planet B. Sentence 3 also does not start a new paragraph and tells you what Triss is doing in Skellige with Crach. A unicorn runs by, who knows where or why, it’s probably planet A. Sentence 5 is Vilgefortz tying up Yennefer in his castle back on the other side of Planet B. Sentence 6 is on the other side of Planet B and is Regis tearing everything apart trying to find Ciri. Sentence 7 is in the South of Planet B and is Dandelion and Cahir. Sentence 8 is Leo drowning in the ocean, apparently on Planet A after being sucked through a portal??? Unicorns are galloping, we don’t know where or why – apparently in outer space, flying from one planet to another. Sentence 10 is Dijkstra talking to a half-elf by a campfire outside of the war zone. End of Paragraph 1.


* Start of paragraph 2. It is 8AM. Sentence one tells you what Ciri is doing on Planet A with Avallac’h. Sentence 2 does not start a new paragraph and tells you what Geralt is doing in the blizzard in the North of planet B. Sentence 3 also does not start a new paragraph and tells you what Triss is doing in Skellige with Crach. A naked she-elves run by, who knows where or why, it’s probably planet A. Sentence 5 is Vilgefortz with Yennefer in his castle back on the other side of Planet B. Sentence 6 is on the other side of Planet B and is Regis doing vampire things. Sentence 7 is in the South of Planet B and is Dandelion and Cahir. Sentence 8 is Leo’s men planning what to do next. Mountain trolls are galloping to, who knows. Sentence 10 is Dijkstra drinking with a half-elf by a campfire outside of the war zone. End of Paragraph 2.


Skip ahead 30 or so pages and you come too...


* Sentence one 8PM Ciri with Avallac’h. Sentence 2 does not start a new paragraph 9PM Ciri with Auberon. Sentence 3 also does not start a new paragraph 9PM on a different planet Vilgefortz torturing Yennefer. A naked she-elves run by, who knows why. Sentence 5 is 1AM Ciri with Eredin. Sentence 6 is 5AM Ciri with Avallac’h. Sentence 7 also 5AM is back on Planet B Geralt doing Witcher things. Sentence 8 a boat made out of pink cotton candy floats by in the sky. Sentence 9 it’s  8AM Ciri with Avallac’h. Sentence 10 is 9PM Ciri with Auberon. Sentence 11 it’s 2AM Ciri with Avallac’h. Sentence 12 is 9PM Ciri with Auberon. Sentence 13 it’s 8AM Ciri with Avallac’h. Sentence 14 is 9PM Ciri with Auberon.


Lack of dialogue tags, teamed up with literal timeline flow of events, while being written is long scientific Latin versions of common words, is one of the most mind frying, brain draining things to read. It is WHY every English/Grammar teacher/professor on the planet tells newbie writers to stay away from using The Ernest Hemingway Style/Format and just don’t even touch it with 9 foot pole.


The Ernest Hemingway Style/Format, is the style Andrzej Sapkowski used to write The Witcher novels.


THIS is the reason WHY so many readers, come bitching to me, over my love for Avallac’h, saying I shouldn’t like him, for this or that reason... and end up accusing him of things, he did not do, but rather were done by Vilgefortz, Leo, or King Auberon.


All of the stuff that happens with Avallac'h, happens along side what is happening with Vilgefortz in a very unconventional writing style, that tells us one line of what Ciri and Avallac'h are doing, followed by one line of what Geralt and Regis are doing, followed by one line of what Vilgefortz and Yennefer are doing, then back to one line of what Ciri and Avallac'h are doing,  followed by one line of what Geralt and Regis are doing, followed by one line of what Vilgefortz and Yennefer are doing, then back to one line of what Ciri and Avallac'h are doing, ... and so on, for some 70 pages of the story, making it very difficult for most readers to comprehend what they are reading and causing a lot of readers to incorrectly mix up Avallac'h with Vilgefortz.


While Avallac'h and Ciri are arguing with King Auberon and Eredin about the baby... Vilgefortz is building a machine to suck eggs out of ovaries to make fetuses in jars to build synthetic Elder Blood. You see these scenes side by side because timeline wise they are happening at the same time.


#To help you out, here’s some quick facts:


* Avallac’h is NOT a mage. He takes great offence when Ciri calls him a sorcerer and explains there is no such thing as magic, that everything everyone calls “magic” is simply science that they are too stupid to comprehend. OTHERS call Avallac’h a mage, but he is in fact a time travelling scientist, akin to Dr. Who, from 5,000 years in the future and is not a mage.


* Vilgeforzt is the evil mage/wizard/sorcerer who tortured Ciri, and also Yennefer. 


* Vilgeforzt put Ciri in a cage.


* Leo also kept Ciri in a cage.


* There are several other villains who also kept Ciri in cages.


* Avallac’h NEVER put Ciri in a cage. Avallac’h doesn’t even own any cages. Avallac’h doesn’t own anything. Avallac’h is homeless.


* Vilgeforzt is the evil mage/wizard/sorcerer who owned a huge castle.


* Avallac’h does NOT own a castle. Avallac’h is a homeless hermit. He lives in a cave. Wears rags and ratty matted furs.


* Avallac’h is homeless. Avallac’h on warm nights, sleeps beside a campfire on the beach of the lake in a pile with his 5 wives, his horse, 6 Knockers/Mountain Trolls, 2 Echinops, a few Vampyrhodes, and several hundred Barbagazi (orange shag furred Tribble-like/Fizz-Gig-like creatures that look like a cross between Pekinese dogs and sharp fanged vampire bunnies).


* Avallac’h is homeless. Avallac’h on cold, windy, rainy, or snowy nights, he sleeps on Lara’s coffin. Inside the cave. While his 5 wives, his horse, 6 Knockers/Mountain Trolls, 2 Echinops, a few Vampyrhodes, and several hundred Barbagazi (orange shag furred Tribble-like/Fizz-Gig-like creatures that look like a cross between Pekinese dogs and sharp fanged vampire bunnies) sleep in a pile on the floor around Lara’s coffin.


* Vilgeforzt is the evil mage/wizard/sorcerer who had torture chambers, full of torture devices, in the dungeons of his castle.


* Avallac’h does NOT own a dungeon or torture device. Avallac’h is a homeless. Avallac’h doesn’t own anything.


* Vilgeforzt is the evil mage/wizard/sorcerer with the BDSM fetish torture gorn freak obsession. Vilgeforzt kept naked women gallows(cages) hanging over his dinner table and ordered his soldiers to sadisticly sexually abuse the women, while he ate. Ciri hung in one of these cages for 2 years, from the time she was 10 years old until she was 12 years old.


* Avallac’h is asexual. He abhors all things related to sex. He says the only time one should have sex is when one wants to create a baby. Sex for pleasure is out of the question and in his mind an evil sin.


* Avallac’h states that: sex, torture, vengeance, retribution, war, violence, drinking, weapons, and fighting to all be deplorable sins that must be avoided at all costs.


* Vilgeforzt is the evil mage/wizard/sorcerer who sexually, emotionally, and physically abused Ciri on horrendous levels, including shoving hot pokers up her vagina.


* Vilgefortz DID keep girls in cages... he even kept Ciri in a cage, hanging over dinner table, she was 12 years old, naked, and ordered his servants to shove hot pokers up her vagina, so he could watch he be tortured while he ate


* Leo is the bounty hunter who ALSO sexually, emotionally, and physically abused Ciri on horrendous levels, including forcing her to watch while he tortured and beheaded her lover Mistle.


* Leo Bonhart WAS a rapist.


* Leo Bonhart WAS an abuser. 


* Leo Bonhart DID physically, emotional, or sexually abuse Ciri and Mistle and The Rats, and many more.


* Leo Bonhart WAS a dungeon master.


* Leo Bonhart DID torture Ciri. 


* Leo Bonhart DID have and use on Ciri, many torture devices.

* Leo Bonhart DID have many dungeons and he DID keep Ciri locked in them.

* Leo Bonhart DID put Ciri in a cage. 

* Leo Bonhart DID hurt poor Ciri... he almost killed her, and if Avallac'h hadn't nursed Ciri back to health, when he found her 2 hours after she escaped from Leo, Ciri would have died from the injuries Leo gave her.

* Ciri didn't learn to fight at Kaer Morhen, like the game told you. Ciri being trained by Witchers at Kaer Morhen is game only fanfiction.

* Ciri learned to fight because Leo Bonhart, owned a gladiator ring.

* Leo Bonhart, threw Ciri in a pit with monsters, when she was 12 years old, and she was forced to fight or die, for entertainment, while thousands of gambling men bet money, to who would win: a 12 year old child or a giant monster.

* Leo Bonhart tortured Ciri, put her in cages, let men pay to publicly rape her, made her publicly fight against monsters... all for entertainment.

#In fact, EVERY SINGLE THING you people accused Avallac'h of doing... those things WERE in the novels, but it wasn't Avallac'h who did those things... Leo Bonhart did those things to Ciri.

* Avallac’h is the painter/poet/flutist/scientist/fisherman who nursed Ciri back to health after she escaped Vilgeforzt and Leo. Ciri would have died from her injuries, had Avallac’h not found her 2 hours after she escaped Leo and took her home to the lakeside cave and taken care of her.

* King Auberon sexually abused and molested Ciri in grizzly detail, on horrifying levels, for 80 endless pages straight.

* Eredin took Ciri on a picnic to bad mouth Avallac’h, and try to convince Ciri to help Eredin to kill King Auberon and frame Avallac’h for it, and during that picnic Eredin tried to rape Ciri.

* Avallac’h never rapes Ciri nor does he ever sexual abuse her.

* We do see Avallac’h constantly touching Ciri, hugging Ciri, kissing Ciri, always in a very parent-like comforting way, but we also always see Ciri translate it as being sexual even though it clearly isn’t.

* Ciri is Avallac’h’s 5th great-granddaughter. Avallac’h is Ciri’s 5th great-grandfather. Ciri is Avallac’h’s beloved little grandbaby, and he sees her as such. Avallac’h deeply love Ciri, but it’s a parental love, not a sexual love.

* Avallac’h is an ancient elderly Elf, suffering from manic-depression, suicidal tenancies, is bi-polar, is displaying signs of Alzheimer's, and is clearly senile...

* ...and because Ciri looks like Lara, and Avallac’h, often forgets Lara is dead, forgets Ciri is not Lara, and called Ciri, Lara, and acts like she is Lara. Avallac’h’s relationship with Ciri is confusing and conflicting because, some days he loves her as his granddaughter Ciri and other days he loves her as his wife Lara.

* When Avallac’h forgets Lara is dead, he comes out of his shell and we see him happy, laughing, smiling, his depression melted away and we see him kind, loving, doting, gentle... but than when he remembers, no, this isn’t Lara, this is Ciri, Lara is dead, and he immediately sinks back into moody fits of depression and despair, often becoming full of rage and displaying extreme levels of violence amid distressed tears.

* Ciri tries to seduce Avallac’h, resulting in Avallac’h lecturing Ciri on the evils of sex and being outright horrified by Ciri’s sexual advances... Enraged by his refusal to have sex with her on command, Ciri rapes Avallac’h.

* Vilgeforzt wanted a baby from Ciri because he believed drinking Elder Blood would make him the most powerful mage in the universe. He built an egg sucking machine to shove up Ciri’s ovaries, to fill jars with babies so he could have endless thousands of Elder Blood babies.

* King Auberon wanted a baby from Ciri because he believed in Iithllayn’s prophecy which stated that The Child of the Elder Blood, a child born to 2 Elder Blood parents, would rise up among the Elves and become a weapon/savoir to kill all Humans and end the Elf enslavement by Humans. He had already enslaved a male Elder Blood (Avallac’h) but needed a female and so, had helped in clone Avallac’h to create Lara Dorren, than forced Avallac’h and Lara to marry. Avallac’h however was asexual a refused to consummate the marriage and Lara subsequently got pregnant by a human. Lara was executed and Avallac’h outcast, as punishment for not obeying King Auberon’s orders to have sex and create the ultimate weapon-baby. ......... . King Auberon, now plans to get Ciri pregnant, with a female baby, take that baby, raise it, and force Avallac’h to breed with it wither he wants to or not, to create  The Child of the Elder Blood, a child born to 2 Elder Blood parents, the child that will result from pairing Avallac’h to Ciri’s female baby via King Auberon.

* Eredin wanted a baby from Ciri for the same reason as King Auberon, he planned to take said baby fathered by King Auberon after it was born....

*  *(Not canon to the novels, but found in various letters in the game... we are told Ciri got pregnant from raping Avallac’h and gave birth to a male baby - Caranthiar, Eredin killed King Auberon, took the baby, raised it to be said weapon child of prophecy, and this is why Ciri and Avallac’h have teamed up together in the game against Eredin... this however, contradicts many aspects of what we were told in the novels, because it is game dev created fanfiction, I choose to not accept it as part of the cannon.)*

* Avallac’h wanted a baby from Ciri because he wanted his dead family back, which consisted of Ciri’s 4th-great grandmother Lara Dorren, and her illegitimate baby by Creaganon of Lod. Because Ciri looked like Lara, Avallac’h made Ciri wear Lara’s cloths, change her hair to match Lara’s hairstyle, and than sent Ciri off to get pregnant by King Auberon so she could be Lara and give birth to an illegitimate baby. Avallac’h tricked Ciri into agreeing to this by offering to rescue Ciri’s Mommy Yennefer from Vilgefortz, and reuniting Ciri with her dream family, which consisted of Geralt and Yennefer as her parents, after the baby was born. Ciri was 12 years old when she agreed to this.

* Though Avallac’h promised to help Ciri escape his world, return to Mommy Yennefer, and rescue Yen from Vilgefortz, in exchange for Ciri giving him her baby... we see a scene of him and Ciri fighting, in which Ciri spitefully says she’ll get pregnant than have an abortion just to spite him, and Avallac’h’s response to this, very clearly brings to light how deeply, suicidally depressed Avallac’h really is and that he wants Ciri more than the baby and he not only never intends to let her leave, but if she tries to leave, he’ll kill Ciri and than kill himself, because now that he has Lara back *(through Ciri)*, he’s not letting her go and if he can’t have her, no one can. ... Avallac’h is revealed to be the most dangerous person Ciri has ever met or ever will meet, because there is nothing more dangerous than someone with nothing left to lose, and Avallac’h has already lost everything. Ciri is all he has left.

#Yes, Avallac’h was evil. He did do bad things. He was a villain... BUT:

* Avallac'h is NOT a rapist.

* Avallac'h DID NOT rape Ciri or anyone else.

* Avallac'h is NOT an abuser. 

* Avallac'h did NOT physically, emotional, or sexually abuse Ciri or any one else.

* Avallac'h is NOT a BDSM fetish freak. 

* Avallac'h does NOT like nasty sexual perversion.

* Avallac'h is NOT a dungeon master.

* Avallac'h DID NOT keep girls in cages.

* Avallac'h does NOT have a breeding program.

* Avallac'h did NOT torture any one. 

* Avallac'h does NOT have any torture devices.

* Avallac'h does NOT have any dungeons.

* Avallac'h did NOT put Ciri in a cage. 

* Avallac'h did NOT hurt poor Ciri.

#In the future, could you at least TRY to get your accusations to be aimed the correct characters...

...yes, I know the author made it insanely difficult for lazy incompetent people to understand which character was doing what... but, The Ernest Hemingway Style Format really isn’t that hard to read, if you just take the time to use your brain and THINK while you read.

There are plenty of people who don’t have mind bogglingly high IQs and can read and understand and comprehend both Ernst Hemingway and The Witcher novels, just fine.

On the one hand, I like that the Netflix series has inspired so many people to take up reading.

On the other hand, it’s painfully obvious that many of these people, find it easier to tell the difference between their ass and a hole in the ground, then they do understanding the meaning of even the most simple written sentences.

I wonder who is more at fault here: the incompetent school system who can’t take the time to ensure reading comprehension is a skill students graduate with... or the parents, who are so lazy they can’t be bothered to help their children succeed in skills the school system failed to teach.

Reading comprehension is such a basic skill that it’s taught in kindergarten. It’s not that difficult to learn, otherwise they wouldn’t teach it to 5 year olds.

I am daily bombarded with questions about Avallac’h, that have nothing to do with Avallac’h, and are actually about completely different characters.... and the only reason, I’m being asked these questions, is because, Netflix viewers who become Witcher readers, have so little reading comprehension, that they can’t tell one character from another, and end up, accusing Avallac’h of doing things he did not do, things a different character did.

The worst ones of all, are the people who DID NOT read the novels, but instead, fell victim to the ones with no reading comprehension skills and came to believe Avallac’h did a thing, without even reading the novels for themselves at all!

Normally these questions would not bother me, because it’s fictional characters, so none of it matters.

...BUT...

...when people show up at my front door with a gun, threatening to kill me, because I like Avallac’h, and they falsely believe he raped Ciri, well, now I’m upset.

Because now, it’s no longer an issue of people just mixing up characters... now it’s an issue of people who less self control than reading comprehension, so mad, over something that, that they are willing to kill for it.

You want to kill me, because I like Avallac’h, and you think he raped Ciri... but, he didn’t rape Ciri, and you were willing to commit murder, because you were too stupid to take the time to learn reading comprehension.

You were willing to kill, because of an error you made, will reading... you skipped a sentence, missed a line, and incorrectly read it as Avallac’h, not Vilgefortz.

How stupid would you have felt in prison, after committing murder, and than re-reading the novels, and realizing, that you read the sentence wrong, and you killed someone, because you made a mistake while reading a fictional novel about fictional characters.

I don’t like people showing up at my house with guns.

I don’t like people threatening my family.

It’s bad enough, racist people wanting to kill us for not being white... but now there are people who would kill over a fictional character?

Why?

They are fictional. Not real. The people you want to kill, they are real. Don’t you people know that?

Is is a bigger issue than reading comprehension?

Are you mentally retarded? 

I think you might be.

Why?

Please explain to me the logic of why you think it is okay to murder real people, because you got mad at a fictional character?

It tells me, you are mentally incapable of knowing the difference between reality and fantasy. 

It tells me that you have a serious brain defecate, a mental retardation, know as schizophrenia, which causes you to not know which people you see around you are real and which are hallucinations. It tells me that you are not safe to be around other people. It tells me you are a dangerous sociopath. It tells me that you don’t know fictional characters are not real. It tells me that you don’t know killing people is wrong. It tells me you belong in a padded cell, straight jacketed and medicated.

If that doesn’t classify as mentally retarded logic I don’t know what does.

No, I don't say you are retarded to be mean... I say it because I truly believe I should call the police and have them send the men in little white coats to drag you away, because I believe you are truly too dangerous and not mentally fit to walk free outside of a padded cell.

Your logic brands you as dangerous. You believe it is okay to kill a real person, because of which fictional characters they enjoy. You my friend are very dangerous sociopath, not fit to walk free, suffering severe mental retardation. You belong behind bars in a straight jacket, BEFORE you hurt someone.

Get yourself a Journal of Psychiatry and look up the medical definition of being mentally retarded. It might astound you to learn what it ACTUALLLY MEANS and how similar you are to the textbook meaning of retarded.

It would be bad enough if it was just 1 or 2 people... but... 19,000 people in one week (March 2021) and a year ago, 300,000 people in one day (February 2020)... flooded my email with viscous amounts of hate, a lot of death threats, a lot of rape threats... and 2 years before that (February 2019) 5 men arrived at my front door with guns... and all of these people.... ALL of them, were hating me for liking Avallac’h, while making the false claim that Avallac’h raped Ciri.

I can’t help but notice the date... 3 Februaries in a row.

What is it about February?

Why do you people attack like clockwork, every February, for 3 years in a row?

I don’t understand that.

I do understand this:

* None of these people have ever been to my Twitch channel, a fact that we can prove, by my total channel views: 86,805 as of today, March 8, 2021 and total followers: 403 as of today... in 8 years. That means my channel gets about 10,000 views per year.

Yet:

*  19,000 people in one week (March 2021) and a year ago, 300,000 people in one day (February 2020)... flooded my email with viscous amounts of hate, a lot of death threats, a lot of rare threats...

Which means...

* someone actively, told these people, not only lies about Avallac’h, but specifically lies about me, while also instructing them to contact me and harass me.

#Think about that.

These people don’t know me. They just know what someone told them about me.

Which makes me think too, that they don’t know Avallac’h either, and only know what someone told them about him.

... which is pretty obvious, considering the huge glaring errors they made about him.. and the fact that so many people made the exact same error.

Again...

#Think about that.

When 7,000 people are saying the exact same error, in exactly the same way... that means, 1 person made the error, and 6,999 people simply quote that error.

It’s how teachers can tell if you cheated on your math test.

It’s WHY teachers, tell you to do the work on paper.

When 5 students, hand back a test, and all 5 have the exact same error, the teacher knows, 4 students, copied the work of one.

It's WHY I checked the accounts of these usernames to see if they were bots.

Seeing how Avallac’h is such a rare, incredibly minor, obscure character... it’s odd to think that anyone would take notice of him at all.

He’s barely in the novels at all. One of the most minor characters.

No ones pays any attention to him. Why would they? He's such a minor character.

He’s in and out of the novels so fast that most readers hardly notice he was there at all.

These people treat him, like he’s the primary villain. He’s not. Not even close. Everyone who has read the novels knows that.

These people have information only found in the novels, but they’ve have it wrong.

So many people, so upset, over a character that is so minor he gets overlooked by most Witcher fans.

When I first started liking Avallac’h most people asked: 

* “Why Avallac’h, he’s such a minor character? Is he even on 5 full pages? Why don’t you like one of the main characters or somebody with a big role?”

That’s the way it always was. 2016. 2017. Most of 2018.

Something happened August 2018, because that’s when it started.

August 2018 is when the accusation: “But Avallac’h raped Ciri! How can you like a rapist?” first showed up.

He didn’t rape Ciri.

Why would say he did?

They answered back: “Well, I was told...” 

You was told wrong. 

Avallac’h did NOT rape Ciri.

Like I said, it didn’t bother me at first. It’s just fictional characters and someone made a mistake.

By September 2018, it became clear that someone, REALLY had a HUGE vendetta against me or Avallac’h or both, and was using a lot of social media to gather up hate mongers to attack me, here on Twitch, on Twitter, on Reddit, on FaceBook, on Tumblr.

I don’t know if this person actually BELIEVES Avallac’h raped Ciri and is out for blood, too bull headed to correct their error, or do they for some reason hate me, and just made up the lie that Avallac’h raped Ciri, to use as a tool to work up Ciri fans who hadn’t read the novels, into a frenzy so they could sic them on me.

I don’t know their motive.

It’s clear, that 300,000 people HAVE NOT visited my Twitch channel and outside of Twitch, I don’t mention Avallac’h, so if you don’t watch me on Twitch, you wouldn’t know I liked Avallac’h.

Scrooge McDuck. That’s the character every body knows me for. HE’S the one the one I talk about everywhere. I have since I joined the internet in 1996. 

Outside of Twitch everyone knows me as the crazy fangirl of Scrooge McDuck.

It’s only on Twitch that you see the Avallac’h fangirling happen.

So, no one outside of Twitch even knows I like Avallac’h.

That means EVERY question I receive about Avallac’h comes ONLY from Twitch viewers. There’s no other source they can come from.

300,000 emails, in a single day, is way more than 80,000 views in 8 years of streaming on Twitch.

Can you see what I’m getting at here?

Also, the wording of many of the emails is “odd”. By “odd” I mean, the wording feels “off”. Like when a child talks about things they know nothing about. 

For example, when you go to an LDS/Mormon church, 1st Sunday of the month, Fast & Testimony Meeting, and the Bishop “opens the pulpit up to the public” and now anyone, can go to the front and talk about whatever aka “bare their testimony”. You’re supposed to say why you “know the church is true/god is real/Jesus is saviour/whatever”, but 90% of the people get up to gossip about how they called the police on their 93 year old neighbour who hasn’t mowed their lawn in 2 weeks *(bishop’s wife gave that “testimony”)* and 10 or 12 women in succession get up and talk about their latest doctor visits, and than come the “children”. If you’ve ever been to a Mormon church, you’ve seen it, and you know, before I even tell you, what it is that happens, in every Mormon church across America, the Bishop says to bring your children until God... 

...and... uhm... it’s a sight to behold...

...arrogant parents, who feel the need to “out parent” each other, pick up their babies, their toddlers, no NOT their children... but 6 month old, 1 years old, literal babies, who don’t yet know yet know how to form sentences on their own...

...Mommy or daddy carries the baby to the pulpit, to the microphone... 

Daddy: “Now, repeat after me: I know the church is true...”

6 month old baby: “Aaaaahhh,,, chuck twuuuuuuuuu.”

Daddy: “And Joseph Smith is the one true prophet.”

6 month old baby: “Proooooooofffffffick?”

Daddy: “Amen.”

6 month old baby: “Mweeeeeeen!”

Every county in every state, has no fewer than 4 Mormon churches. And every 1st Sunday of every month, every Fast & Testimony Meeting, no fewer than 30 babies, not yet old enough to talk or even think, “bare their testimony”, that exact one, word for word. Gurgling and babbling, making attempts to repeat Mommy or daddy, because they were told to and they because they don’t yet have enough brain power to think on their own or have a free will, they just say what they are told... but because they don’t KNOW what they are saying, they say it wrong.

These 19,000 emails, and many of the previous 300,000 emails, they are like that.

I think every one of them, is written by a small child, too young, and therefore too stupid, to have enough brain power to think on their own or have a free will. They know their parents don’t give a shit about them, the internet is the babysitter, that’s WHY they are on the internet so young. Their parents don’t give 2 shits about them. They know because hours of Mommy look!” have been ignored. They know nothing they do will ever please Mommy so, they try to please their favourite streamer instead. When that streamers say: “Do this!” They do it without question.

The bulk of these emails:

* I don’t think they know who Avallac’h is.

* I don’t think they know Ciri from anything other than Netflix, if they even know her at all.

* I don’t think they know what the word rape means.

* I think they may even be too young to even know what the word sex means.

Think about it. There is out there an adult, who is instructing very small children, to make death threats and rape threats.

Let’s put it another way:

How many of you reading this right now are parents and you let your child, watch Twitch unattended?

Is YOUR child one of the ones sending me rape threats?

Do you know what YOUR children are doing and watching on Twitch?

Is YOUR 10 year boy one of the 300,000 children emailing rape threats to strangers? 

Do you REALLY know what your child does online?

The numbers, alongside the level of extreme hate, death threats, rape threats, violence threats... are very disturbing.

What this means is, one person, with a very large following, is working THEIR viewers – people who don’t me from Adam – people many of whom don’t seem to know Avallac’h or Ciri either - into hate filled frenzies... and then sending them to email me.

And THAT email... it's not easy to find. It's NEVER been posted online. Which means one of my relatives gave it to these masses.

You should do your research a little better.

Whoever is telling you these things about Avallac’h – they are lying to you. 

...please try to be a little more original, a little less brain dead mindless herd following sheeple, do your research a little better, know your sources a little better, before you rush to email me with your sex crazed lunacy accusations about Avallac’h... okay?

Maybe, you should just read the Witcher novels.

Not listen to audio books or a YouTube video of someone reading to you. You’re gonna miss half the story that way. You’ll be cooking, eating, driving, doing chores, homework. Focused on what you are doing and NOT the story. Unless you are following along in your own copy of the novels, how will you know if they said a word wrong?

Read the books for yourself. Get lost in the story. Fully immersed in the adventures of Ciri and Witcher Geralt. 

Until you read them for yourself, you’ll never fully understand Ciri or Avallac’h.

Once you read them, you’ll see for yourself, how silly these rumours about Avallac’h are.

You’ll see for yourself, just how minor and insignificant a character he really is.

You’ll see too, the vast difference between Avallac’h, and King Auberon, Leo, and Vilgefortz, all 3 of whom are much bigger villains, than Avallac’h will ever be. You’ll be left wondering, how it is possible that anyone thought Avallac’h was worth fussing over at all.

You’ll be surprised too, to find, the worse, most vile, most evil villain of them all, is Ciri herself. There is no kindness in her. No good. No innocence. Nothing sweet. Nothing loving. Nothing wholesome. A drunk. A drug addict. A prostitute. Her lust to watch others suffer, is insatiable. That’s a revelation most readers can’t deal with. And until you read the novels for yourself, you have no idea, how horrible a person she really is.

This is NOT about Avallac’h. This is about one person, mad at me for who knows what reason, and trying to cancel me, by gathering up strangers online and saying things to those strangers, trying to convince those strangers to hate me with them.

I get other emails you know... calling Scrooge McDuck a rapist, calling Lord Sesshomaru a rapist, calling Darkwing Duck a rapist, calling Prof. Snape a rapist... you start to see a trend, right? Do you see the trend? Every fiction character I like, I end up getting tens of thousands of emails, sent me to give me hell, for liking a character, accusing that character of rape... and yet, the character is never a rapist.

I don’t talk about the other emails here on Twitch because, I reserve Twitch for my fangirling, so I talk about only the Avallac’h rape emails and not the other character rape emails. Which of course leaves you without the full picture.

When you have the full picture and are made aware that a lot of characters are being called rapists, you start the see that this isn’t about Avallac’h.

Somewhere out there is someone who is completed fixated on my. I don’t know if it’s a fan gone psycho or a hater with no life. Are they a simp infatuated with me and angry that I have a boyfriend whom I’ve been with 37 and am not leaving, so they are acting out because of that? Are they a hater angry over some random thing they heard me say? Are they a psycho-crazed Witcher fan who just really hates Avallac’h and is trying to make others hate Avallac’h with them? If that was the case, than why the emails about Uncle Scrooge, Lord Sesshomaru, Snape, and DW? 

You people who believe this person and let that person work into a rape crazed frenzy... you are just blind sheep being lied to.

And when I say there’s a bigger issue here...

...I want you to take a very careful look at EXACTLY what these people are saying, and than I want you to take a look at the news reports, about a certain FBI raid...

These people are not JUST taking characters I like and accusing them of rape.

No.

These people are taking characters I like and accusing them of child abuse, sexual torture, rape, extreme torture device torture, and locking them in cages.

Why is this significant?

July 19, 2016, the FBI dug up the sawed up bones of 31 children, in GooseFare Brooke Ravine, in the Reclaim Blueberry Plains, in the Ross Forest, of Old Orchard Beach, Maine, my cousins, most of them dumped there in the 1970s, children who unlike me didn't have the fortitude to fight back, didn't have the will to survive.... were not motivated to spite their abusers and live.

If you don’t know, that’s my farm.

That’s where I live.

That’s why in 2016, all excavation equipment dug up, every last inch my land.

Did you miss what I said?

Let me repeat it.

#July 19, 2016, the FBI dug up the sawed up bones of 31 children, in GooseFare Brooke Ravine, in the Reclaim Blueberry Plains, in the Ross Forest, of Old Orchard Beach, Maine, my cousins, most of them dumped there in the 1970s.

I’m very famous.

I’m probably the most famous person you’re ever going to meet.

I’m Maine’s infamous “feral child”, the survivor of what the paparazzi called: 

#The Worst Child Abuse Case In American History.... the child who lived, and survived Old Orchard Beach, Maine’s House of Horrors

The House of Horrors, that’s what the news reporters called that house, the house with that room... scroll down far enough, there’s pictures of the room on my profile.

My mother comes from a horrible family. He father was Honeyfizt’s infamous driver during the rum-running days of the 1920s, bringing Moonshine from Canada to Massachusetts. Old Orchard Beach was the drop off point. Yes. The REAL and ACTUAL Mafia. Not the tuttie-fruite stuff you see on TV and movies. My grandfather David Henry Atwater, himself, went blind from bad Moonshine, and lost his job driving for the Kennedys. So he started his own “Mafia” the Scottish Mafia, with his than pre-teen sons “running the family business”. Yes, THE David Henry Atwater, co-founder of Heaven’s Gate, best buddies of George Applewhite, leader of Heaven’s Gate – the UFO murder suicide cult who killed 39 people under the shadow of comet Hale-Bop. Heaven’s Gate wouldn’t come until the 1970s.

Before Heaven’s Gate they were scam artists, and they tried to pull a big scam on the Ricker Dynasty. “Old Lady Ricker” as they referred to her, was a wealthy woman, with only one living child... my father. Grandpa and his 8 sons, they convinced him to marry one of Grandpa’s 4 daughters, my mother. The plan was terrible. They planned to kill the old lady, after convincing her to write a will giving everything to my mother, not yet a teenager, Grandpa than planned to kill my father, have my mother disappear, and take everything for himself.

There was one problem... I was born. My mother had no interest in raising a child. She was only a child herself. My father’s mother raised me the first 8 years. Grammy Helen, sent me to public school. I had a birth certificate. Social security number. The than require vaccinations, meaning I had medical records. I had a paper trail, a rare thing in Gypsy culture. So they couldn’t just kill me, like they had done other children.

There was one problem... I was born. My mother had no interest in raising a child. She was only a child herself. My father’s mother raised me the first 8 years. Grammy Helen, sent me to public school. I had a birth certificate. Social security number. The than require vaccinations, meaning I had medical records. I had a paper trail, a rare thing in Gypsy culture. So they couldn’t just kill me, like they had done other children.

Remember, July 19, 2016, the FBI dug up the sawed up bones of 31 children, in GooseFare Brooke Ravine, in the Reclaim Blueberry Plains, in the Ross Forest, of Old Orchard Beach, Maine, my cousins, most of them dumped there in the 1970s? Those children didn’t have a paper trail. I did. So I couldn’t just die and be tossed in GooseFare Brooke Ravine, like the others. The Americans would notice I had gone missing.

They did kill her. Grandpa and his sons, my uncles. My father’s mother. She changed her will weeks before she died, and they didn’t know.

They took me out of school, to go to the funeral. I never saw school or the outside world again.

My grandmother died when I was 8 years old, she left me everything, disinherited everyone else... so my 12 enraged uncles, locked me in a cage... a rusted raccoon trap... shoved it in a woodshed... tossed a single salted herring to me to food, once every 12 days... and there I remained until I was 31 years old and an FBI raid rescued me. 

My uncles used me as an income... they charged Mormon high priests $12,000 to rape me. 

I had been raped more then 500 times by the time I was 12 years old.

I became “mute” at age 14, after a cinder block was used to shatter my jaw.... I was 42 years old when I was able to speak again for the first time in decades, thanks to surgery to restore my jaw, and implant 7 false teeth.

I was 37 years old when I learned how to eat with silverware and walk on my feet not crawl on all 4s, and talk with human words, not cat growls and hisses.

When they rescued me, the social workers, called me a feral child. I’m in 100s of college Psychology test books, thousands of psychiatrists have studied me. They still do to this day. They say they are astounded that I’ve assimilated into society as well as I have.

My childhood was spent in a cage from 8 years old being vivisected by your older cousin on orders from your uncles, and Draino poured into the wounds. Beat me with bricks, stabbed me with forks. 

8 years old and gang raped by Mormon high priests armed with knives and hammers, slicing your flesh and breaking your bones, for sexual pleasure.

Caged for 27 years, from the time I was 8 years old until I was 31.

I didn't have the luxury of school or friends like you did.

I lived my entire childhood, teen years, and young adult years in a cage.

Do you see NOW the inspiration, of WHY, these bastards word their emails as they do?

WHY they say Avallac’h raped Ciri?

WHY they say he put her in a cage and tortured her?

Avallac’h didn’t do those things to Ciri... those are the things my uncles did to me.

These people are so cruel, that they think it’s funny, to take real world torture of real world children, and make fun of it, by taking descriptions of the torture as it was it was described in the news reports about the FBI raid, and make it be about that child’s favourite fictional character.

Do you understand NOW, why I find what these people are doing so deeply unsettling?

They took the time to hunt news reports about my childhood, and copy those news reports word for word, changing my name to “Ciri” and changing the names of my Uncles Mervin Bruce, Richard Merlin, and David Jr to Avallac’h.

That’s what they did.

That’s how evil the people the behind these emails are.

I’ve kept these events separate from my streaming for 15 years. No stream ever mentioned it. Nothing on my profile mentioned it either. These emails, these attacks on my chat, they’ve reached a point where I’m no longer going to ignore the trolls and instead talk about the abuse they think is so funny to make light of.

These people are bullies. No different than my uncles.

You who make fun of torture, child abuse, and rape, you all ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

You people who send me these emails, you are pure evil and I pray you swiftly meet your master in Hell.

Remember that I am EelKat, Etiole's Friend, Queen of the Gypsies, the real life Voodoo Priestess (Gypsy witch) Stephen King, based Thinner off of... I am the single most feared "witch" on the planet, and I put a curse on you, all the pain and suffering I have felt, I send it to you, 7 x 7, that you may never make fun of anyone's pain ever again. Tick tock, tick tock, start now Etiole's 7 year clock. As yeah have done to me, so shall be done to you. Run, run, little one, but you can never out run or hide from Etiole. So let it be written, so let it be done.



FAQs: I just tried to raid your channel and Twitch canceled the raid. Gave me a message saying it wasn't allowed. Why can't I raid your channel?

#FAQs: I just tried to raid your channel and Twitch canceled the raid. Gave me a message saying it wasn't allowed. Why can't I raid your channel?

.....................

I turned off raids back in 2018, when a big partnered streamer, with several thousand regular viewers, started sending their followers to my channel to post the message in my chat "deserve to be raped"  with many of them posting a lot of sexual stuff, and most of them saying stuff about how women who wore hijab (I wear hijab, btw) were "really whores and prostitutes hiding their true nature" and were "hiding their bodies to entice men even more, so deserved to be raped because they were asking for it". Along with a lot of them chanting "bitties for titties" and saying "flash your boobs". Plus making lots of racist slurs and other hate comments. It was really vulgar the stuff they were saying.

Well, my channel rarely has more than 10 viewers at a time, and suddenly these people showed up 700 to 2,000 of them all at once. 

They completely flooded my chat. 

Every day. 

For weeks. 

It was a total nightmare. 

They would show up every single stream and it was very difficult to get it under control because my channel was so tiny and they were so many and I was just one person. 

It was nearly impossible for me to stream at all, because I had to stop what I was doing to ban so many of them one after another. And they would create alternate accounts as fast as I banned them. It was the first time I had to deal with trolls and I was completely unprepared for it.

In my mind, I had thought trolls would just be 1 person here or there, so no big deal to deal with on my own without mods. I had never heard of "witch hunting channels" before, so I had no idea there was such a thing as huge channels who would pick a tiny channel then tell their viewers to take up a call to action to attack the small channel.

At the time, I had no mods and no chat bots, just used Twitch's autobot and myself for modding chat. I had never needed mods or a chat bot before. My channel is tiny and I make no attempt to grow it. I'm content with a small channel. My topic is very niche, so not many are going to be interested in my streams. It's just me sharing my rather niche hobby with others in the hobby, so I never expected my channel to be big enough to need mods or a chat bot. At the time I had the mind set that trolls only attacked big channels. You know to start drama in order to get their 15 minutes of fame, so I had not even considered that trolls ever went after tiny channels. I was very naïve about the nature of trolls back than.

So it was very difficult to get on top of it. I immediately modded several of my regulars so they could help me with banning the trolls. And I added 7 chat bots (NightBot, StreamElements, MooBot, WizeBot, ect) to my chat and added all the vulgar, lewd, toxic, racist, and hate slur words the trolls were using in my chat to the bots' blacklist of banned words.

It was silly of me to think that just because my channel was very tiny, that trolls would never be a bigger problem than I could control on my own. This same group continues to to this day to sexually and racially harass me on Twitter, FaceBook, even here on Reddit *(go through my profile and look at the replies to the majority of my comments, on Reddit and you'll see them - pro-Nazi, Jew-hating, white-power, deserve to be raped comments)* 

They've all been blocked on Twitch, but around 800 of these haters follow me to every single social network they can find me on and some sites don't have easy ability to block and ban trolls. They started doing it in 2018, and it's now 2021 and a comment I made on Reddit less than 24 hours ago, they attacked simply it simply because I was the one who commented and for no other reason. 

They found me via a Twitch raid by a very hateful (and now perma-banned) Twitch streamer, who made a habit of actively seeking out female streamers who had shared a story of surviving rape and raiding them with the message "deserved to be raped".

November 14, 2013 - 3 rapists attacked me in a parking lot, a blond woman in her 60s, he bald son in his 30s, and her redhaired sister... the police have not been able to identify them, but their is no one in this town who does NOT know who they are... the woman's husband, is the man who drove the backhoe over my house August 8, 2013...

November 14, 2013 - 3 rapists attacked me in a parking lot...

*I was 8 months pregnant, they killed my baby, 

* broke my hip, legs, and spine, 

**with metal golf clubs**, 

* crushing my spinal column and destroying the nerve bundle - 

* they left me for dead - doctors say it's a miracle I'm even alive - 

* it is why I am bedridden, 

* can't even bath or use the toilet on my own - 

* most of the left side of my body is dead, like one who had a stroke - 

* tremors in my hands are so bad I need help do basic things like eating and getting dressed - and is why I can no longer play console games and can only play mouse driven point & click games - thus WHY I switched to a Witcher 3 exclusive channel - yes I play Witcher 3 almost entirely one handed and with **JUST A MOUSE**

* I have to wear adult diapers because my bladder and intestines have no feeling anymore so I don't know when I have to go - 

* I can barely breath my lungs are messed up now as well - 

**never underestimate the damage that 3 metal golf clubs can do to your body and its ability to function**

* I'm bedridden, these past 8 years and is why I took up streaming as there is little else one can do when stuck in bed 24 hours a day for the rest of your life - 

* and my profile has this information on it as how I got started streaming; this is why they chose the specific raid message "deserve to be raped".

Initially I was on the road to recovery - out of the wheelchair 5 months later and relearning to walk...

April 10, 2015, my children were kidnapped by 14 men who broke in, they had long metal poles with wire retractable nooses on the end. Held us down with those while using bricks to beat us with.

All 14 of the men had handguns. 2 of them held their guns to my head, while this was happening.

They smashed all of our furniture, shredded clothes and bedding and books; ripped cupboard doors off the walls, took knives to to pillows and the sofa ripped out the stuffing ... they acted like they were looking for something, but what ever it was they thought we had, they didn't find it... they left with 12 of our children

Meanwhile more then 70 of my neighbours gathered in the driveway to watch and not one of them did anything to help.

They arrived at 1PM and left 3 hours later. And more than 70 people, from more than a dozen houses and 4 condo complexes - stood there in my driveway for 3 hours watching - and no one tried to help. Not one single person.

My driveway at 146 Portland Ave, Old Orchard Beach, Maine... every neighbour from every house, on both sides of the roads, for at least 20 houses in each of all 4 directions... all left their houses, to walk down the road, to stand in my driveway - 146 Portland Ave, Old Orchard Beach, Maine... and watched, and cheered, and encouraged the attack.

Welcome to the Town of Old Orchard Beach, and the bastards who call themselves my neighbours.

May 15, 2015, the first of the heads was nailed to the door.

My family was kidnapped and a month later murdered.

And than June 2016... the original 3 - the blond woman, her bald son, and her redhaired sister - the 3 with the metal golf clubs from 2013 - the ones who murdered my baby - they returned, yet another parking lot, again just their 2013 attack, while I was putting bags on the backseat of my car, they came up behind me, slammed me into the side of the car, and attacked just like before, only this time with a shopping cart.

The 2016 attack, damaged my spinal column, worse than before.

The 2013 attack, the 3 of them left together in a 4 door white pick-up truck.

In the 2016 attack, the blond woman and her bald son left in a gold suv-wagon Volvo, while the redhaired woman left in a silver subaru. 

People ask today... why am I so obsessed with Avallac'h... look at the date I started playing Witcher 3. My family was murdered. I survived. I had a very large family. I'm not used to being alone. My home is filled with silence and memories at every turn. It's not that I am obsessed with Avallac'h, rather I need something to drown out the memories, a reason to live, that's what Avallac'h is - a line line. The only one I have right now. 

Plus - I could find no one I could identify with - few are raped so brutally that they are left crippled - in the novels Avallac'h was. Few know what it is like to survive your entire family being murdered - and again in the novels, Avallac'h survived when his wife and baby were murdered.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to find someone who knows what it is like, to be crippled, bedridden, shattered spine, unable to walk for the rest of your life, from such a brutal attack? To this day I've yet to find another real person who has survived what I survived. There is no one who understand what I went through, what I continue to go through.

And few people there are who've survived their family being kidnapped, and then not only murdered, but their heads, hands, and feet cut off and nailed to your front door?

How many people know what it is like to get u one morning to get your mail, and find THAT on your front door?

There is no one who understands.

And than, be someone who survived BOTH of those things, only 2 years apart.

What happened to me is so rare, that one else alive has ever been through anything like this, and there is no one for me to talk to. Not one person.  

That is WHY the obsession with Avallac'h. I could not find a real person who understood my pain, but I a fictional person, with a similar pain, a survivor of a similar event, and I can understand his pain. I sympathize very deeply with Avallac'h, because there exists no one who can can sympathize with me. 

I read the Witcher novels, March 2018. The game doesn't tell you Avallac'h's history, so playing the game, I had never felt a connection with Avallac'h. But than March 2018, 5 years after the first attack, 3 years after the 2nd, and 2 years after the 3rd, I finally found, someone whom had survived something similar. I identified with him, because there is no one else I can identify with, real or fictional. I started playing the game as Avallac'h May 13, 2018 - 2 days before the 4th anniversary of my family's murder.

The rape raiders of Twitch, thought my pain and suffering was funny. They found rape and murder to be things worthy of jokes, memes, running gags, teasing, and taunting.

And they are not a small group.

In total more than 300,000 Twitch members were involved in the rape raids.

That's a lot of people who support rape and think mocking the murder of my family is a fun pastime.

64 other female streamers have since come forward, also attacked by this same streamer and their rape supporting followers. Some were gamers, some were art streamers, some were just chatters, none of us had anything in common other than each of us had started streaming as a method of self therapy after surviving rape and had said so on our profile.

I have severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of the rape attack and murder of my baby, which left me unable to walk for the rest of my life.

And now, thanks to the "deserve to be raped" raids, Twitch raids, trigger panic attacks for me as well.

And ever since then, I've wanted nothing to do with raids. So I turned the raid option off.

And if you find yourself one of the 78 mods on my channel today - it's because you were here when the rape raids were happening and you DID NOT join the dipshits in their attacks, as did some of my regulars. You were modded simply because my chat is now emote only and you 78 mods are the ONLY people allowed to chat in chat.

You don't post in my chat any more. Did I do something wrong?


**NOTE: This also answers the question "What happened to the Dazzling Razzberry? It's been months since I've seen it."**




*You don't post in my chat any more. Did I do something wrong?*

........


You? No. 

Another streamer? Yes. 

And I was so utterly disgusted with it that I simply stopped using Twitch chat. 

April 2018, yes, a month before we started the Avallac'h Playthrough and 5 months before a single Avallac'h screenshot had ever been uploaded to my profile, while I was in the final weeks of the 3rd Geralt Playthrough, a 3D art streamer contacted me.

At the time, I was known around Twitch as the person to contact if you were about to play Witcher 3 and wanted help with anything. Because of her, I no longer do this.

She explained to me that she would soon be taking a vacation to Finland, and had stolen her brother's copy of Witcher 3, made an illegal copy of it, put it on her computer, and when she returned from Finland, she was going to start playing it n stream... and asked would I please lurk in her stream in case she needed help with the game.

I went to her channel the same day she contacted me, and she was making 3D models of a rack, a killing pear, and a Judas chair... medieval torture devices... which she explained to me she hoped to put in Witcher 3 as new game elements. She knew nothing of the Witcher series, she claimed, but had been told it was an easy game to add mods for, and she wanted to add a torture chamber to a game and felt this would be a good game to do it with.

A week later, still in April 2018, she had directly contacted me, said she had returned home from her vacation in Finland, and asked me to visit her stream, and when I did, she asked me a question about how to make mods for Witcher 3, claiming that she wanted to make a "dungeon torture chamber mod" using a set of 3d models of torture devices that she has made in Maya 3D software program, asking how to port such things as torture devices into Witcher 3, because she wanted to make a BDSM mod. I answered the question explaining how to build a mod like this and she, unknown to me, then took a snippet of what I said, took it out of context, and used it to make a meme about Avallac'h calling him a BDSM Fetish freak, while simultaneously calling me a BDSM Dominatrix. She did that August 2018, but I did not find out she did it until October 2019. 

It was what started the Deserve to be Raped raids and why 5 of her followers showed up at my house February 2019, beating up family members, doing $30k damages to my car, $230k damages to our home, hospitalizing 8 people, and raping 2 women.

The rape raids were sending 700 to 2,000 rape raiders to my channel daily. I turned off raids, banned usernames, added more words to autobot and nightbot, and turned on followers only. But they started doing "youtube style" raids once raids were turned off. They started following to by pass follower only, and  when "rape" became a banned word they started getting around it with "r@pe" or "rap3" or "r.a.p.e" etc. And they created new throwaway accounts as fast as me and my 78 mods banned them. At it's worst we were banning more than 2,000 usernames per stream.

Twitch support was not helpful. Their advice was "turn on emote only" while advising that I could get banned if I didn't stay on top of keeping the harassers out of my chat, because it was my responsibility to keep trolls out.

I turned on emote only August 2018.  I turn it off when a stream starts and with 15 to 20 minutes I have to turn it on again... right to this day.

Once someone gets fixated on you, they won't stop, and they'll use their Discord and the power of Twitter's cancel culture to gang up on you and gather huge hoards to help attack. 

I've not been able to have my chat turned on in almost 2 years. It's deeply distressing because, well the primary reason to use Twitch over YouTube IS chat interaction and sexcrazed men harassing female streamers like this is an enormous problem on Twitch.

I'm crippled. Bedridden. Because 3 bastard from that psycho bitch streamer's attack showed up at my house and beat me up with golf clubs and baseball bats. 

I used to do daily 9 hour streams. I'm an elderly senior citizen, for a long time I was the oldest stream on Twitch. I was already crippled from muscle disease, that made it near impossible for me to do anything, so didn't need rape crazed bastards with baseball bats and golf clubs to break my spine, crush my vertebrae, break my hip, and break both legs, and leave me paralyzed in bed for the rest of my life. I'm too weak to sit upright or hold my head up for more then 2 or 3 hours a day, and doing so caused extreme exhaustion with me blacking out for 12 hours or more afterwards. I'm not yet able to get up out of bed or sit up for very long, so it is still difficult for me to stream daily and streams are not very long yet, many have been only 40minutes long. Getting up to 3 hours has been incredibly difficult.

I can barely move my hands, do you have any idea how difficult it is for me to type? And every username has to be typed in to ban them, and with thousands and hour, you literally as a viewer, do absolutely nothing but watch me type ban username for hours on end.... for every single daily stream since August 2018. 

She made 200+ VODs and posted 2,000+ Discord posts calling me a dominatrix, saying I was into bondage, BDSM, and foot fetishes, including to post my home address in her Discord, telling her perverted, immoral, deviated followers to go my house to have sex with me, and some of her followers, did just that, expecting to find me willing to throw myself on them, expecting they could do anything they wanted to me.

Do you know why my family moved February 2019?

Because she and her followers were banned from harassing my chat, she sent her simps to my house, telling them to rape me.

At the time I was staying with my 82 year old disabled dad on his 3rd floor apartment, in a building that had 28 families in it.

To get in the building you have to go through a front entry hall, go through 2 separate sets of doors, and then find your way through the halls and stairways to find which apartment you are looking for.

Because a group of 5 men showed up at 2AM one night. They broke BOTH the 2 front doors off and threw them out into the street.

They made their way up the stairs, punched the glass and screens out of every window they passed on their way.

With baseball bats they smashed up all of the posts on the stair railings, broke the railings off the stairs and threw them out a window onto one of the resident's cars below.

They ripped the front door off the apartment next door to mine, went into that apartment and gang raped the 2 young mothers (sisters) who lived there with their 2 and 4 year old babies.

After that they went back outside, smashing the walls on their way down, pulling out electrical wiring and plumbing pipes as they went.

Once outside they proceeded to trash the 3 cars parked in the driveway, one of them being my Dazzling Razzberry. They used their bats to smash out the glass, and smash up the metal. This is why you've not seen The Dazzling Razzberry since February 2019. The Dazzling Razzberry no longer exists. And you know, it as one of the world's top ten most haunted cars, that's why I bought it December 2006. I still have it and it is being restored. The damages were very extensive and included the wheels being sawed off the axels, the metal bars that hold up the engines and the ones holding up the transmission, were also all sawed off. 

Do you remember the crazy church group lead by the mystery Mark, who sawed up The Golden Eagle, the World's Most Haunted Car, the real Christine that Stephen King based his fictional Christine off of... do you remember how much damage they did to that car May 15, 2010?

Well, this group did even more damage than that to The Dazzling Razzberry. Both cars are very rare antiques and difficult to get parts for. The Dodge, is one of only 5,000 ever made and one of fewer then 100 known to exist today, all parts have to be hand made, there are no parts out there for it, that's why we couldn't restore it, though we do still have it... the Volvo, while rare today, wasn't rare when it was new, and so parts exist for it, if you search far and wide and have enough money to buy them when you find them. The Dazzling Razzberry as such is being restore, but we need so many parts and they are so very expensive, that her we are now 2 years later and my daily driver is still not yet drivable.

They did more than $230,000 in damages to our landlord's building, put 2 women in the hospital, put my 82 year old dad in the hospital with a ruptured kidney, left 1 little 10 year old boy dead, left 28 families homeless, and totaled 3 cars, including my car The Dazzling Razzberry which they did $30,000 in damages to. EVERYBODY in the building had to move because the damages were so bad that the city condemned the building.

#FBI Agent Andy Drewer out of the Portland, Maine FBI office is in charge of the investigation of all of this. If you have information about the case, give it to him not me. He can be reached @ +1-(207)-774-9322

My channel went several years with never banning anyone. There was never a need to. Today, because of the deserve to be raped raids, my channel is ban heavy on extreemes ... you step out of line even an inch and you are gone, no warning, no time out, no grace period, no second chances... total zero tolerance for anything now

3 years ago I struggled to ban anyone, felt guilty about doing so; now I ban a dozen or more people every stream without batting an eye.

The deserve to be raped raids started out when she posted that meme she made on DisCord telling her DisCord followers a huge amounts of sex fanfiction lies she had made up about me as though it was actual fact. 800+ of her Discord followers started reposting her lies about me on Twitter, causing a group of radical right-wing, anti-sex extreemists to attack my Twitch channel, my Reddit profile, my Twitter account, and my FaceBook account.

Once she found out how easy it was to instigate people into these violent attacks, she started make 5hr long VODs about me, making up wild stories about my so-called "BDSM Dominatrix" career, with further enraged her DisCord followers, who gathered up even more of their Twitter followers to continue the attack.

Suddenly a mass flood of 300,000 -THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND- extreme radical anti-BDSM radical Christians mass attacked my Twitch channel, my Twitter, my FaceBook, and other places, with thousands of death threats and rape threats.

In total she made 200+ of these fanfiction BDSM fetish freak videos about me, and posted variations of her meme as a running gag in her Discord more than 2,000 times, inciting her followers to pure outrage and extreme levels of both online and offline violence.

I don't use Discord, as Discord is a phone app and I do not own a phone, so I have no way to use things like Discord or Tik-Tok or SnapChat that are phone only apps, and thus do not have accounts with any of those 3 or any other apps like them... I've not had a phone since Old Orchard shut down the switch board operator in 1979... I used to walk to the town hall to use the switchboard to call anyone, and after that was gone I've not access to a phone since... never put a land line in, and when cell phones came out, I never got one... phones, like TVs are very expensive and my income has never been more then $4,000 in any single year of my entire life... a phone service costs more per month than I make in 3 months. I can't afford a phone. So I don't have a DisCord account because I don't have enough money to even buy a phone let alone subscribe to a phone service, plus I'm in Maine, it's not like we have any cell phone towers here... there is no phone service up here unless we set up a satilight dish in own yard... I simple have no way at all to use Discord, because phone are not an option around here even if I did have enough money to buy one... so me not having phone means, me also not having a Discord account which also meant I was unaware of what she was doing and for nearly 2 years was unaware of the source of the deserve to be raped attackers.

As I am an extremist Christian myself (a 5th generation FLDS Mormon) who shuns all things related to sex, I was continually baffled by the steady daily influx of sex accusations, BDSM accusations, fetish freak accusations, and other highly sexual slander that was being accused of me in my Twitch chat.

November 10, 2018, I turned off chat. It returned February 2020 as emote only.

I tried to turn chat back on February 2020, and immediately her rape raid crew showed up. It's why I took a year off from streaming starting February 27, 2020. I not only stopped streaming, but I stopped watching streams as well. I just left Twitch. I got sick of being harassed. 

Now it's 2021 and I've been trying to come back to streaming but, I have post traumatic stress disorder a result of being raped and paralyzed with golf clubs November 14, 2013... and her rape raids have triggered severe PTSD anxiety attacks every time I try to click the "go live" button. 

I've streamed twice since January 1, 2021, and my attempt to return to daily streaming. The anxiety levels of trying to stream is through the roof. Her attacks not only did a lot of damage to my channel numbers (viewers/followers, subs, as her group lashed out at my viewers and followers, sending them death threats if they didn't unfollow and stop watching me) and the physical damage to my home, car, family, and neighbours, it's also done huge amounts of mental and emotional damage, and has set back years of theory, bringing to the surface once again my agoraphobia, I've not left my room in almost 2 years, I sometimes go weeks too scared to get off the bed... I had agoraphobia before because of being raped... and it took a team of psychiatrists and psychologists huge amounts of effort to help me to be able to go outside, and now I'm back to square one and can't go outside again... just too terrified to get near doors or windows... pointing out here, that she knew before she did this, that I had been raped, and that's, another thing she does... all the streamers she attack are rape survivors.

I had hoped taking a year off from streaming, I would able to go back to streaming... I used to stream daily but because of her attacks, it became sporadic, weekly, too scared to click "go live" any more. o I took a year off, hoping, she'd forget about me and leave me alone... I tried to do a test stream December 2020, didn't tell anybody, no announcements, nothing,just a test to see, if I could emotionally go live... I turned off emote only when I did it. 

The stream lasted under 15 minutes, and I turned it off because her followers attacked almost as soon as I had gone live. 

So emote only again, and though I was supposed to return to daily streams Jan 2021, there've only been 2 streams so far because, opening OBS triggers server PTSD anxiety attacks and I can't bring myself to click on the "go live" button.

I discovered what she was doing October 21, 2019, when she did a livestream on Twitch titled: **"Making Bjorn a BDSM Bondage Fetish Freak Just Like EelKat"**... seeing my name in the title of a stream baffled me, and I opened the stream to find her, yet again making 3D models of torture devices, this time, making a male BDSM Dominatrix named Bjorn who looked and dressed near identical to Avallac'h, and watched as she and 37 members of her chat, spent 5 hours with the running gag "Just like EelKat" which involved someone saying something highly sexual, followed by the next person answering with "Just like EelKat"... the stream ended abruptly when a male voice from her Discord voice chat said: "EelKat's in your viewer list, she's watching this, better take it to Discord."

One of her mods, immediately sent me an invite to the Discord and said "You should probably see this, it's really bad. I'm sorry. I don't think she thought you'd ever find out."

And when I opened the DisCord, I saw, and downloaded and watched all 200+ of her VODs about me - which I still have copies of. And I read all 2,000+ of her posts about me.

Her Discord has a NSFW BDSM section and in it is a massive running gag, which involved those same 800+ people who near daily attacked my Twitch chat... there were 2 years of the running gag "Just Like EelKat", where every few minutes, all day and all night, to the tune of several hundred thousand posts over the course of 2 years... one person would post a vile sex act, and the next person would reply "Just like EelKat".

A large majority of the posts involved the commenter detailing how they would rape and kill me, by using BDSM to rape me to death. The more violent the rape details were, the more she encouraged them.

This is a HUGE streamer with a HUGE Discord and she attacked my tiny 300 follower channel, because that's what she does. She's a bully.

And since it happened to me, I've found 68 others she did this same thing to, some before me, some after me, some the same time as me. Most of them gave up streaming and deleted their channels because of her rape raids on their channels. And I've since learned that her username, in certain underground circles of the internet, is a "secret code word" that group used for "rape" in order to bypass NightBot bans of the word "rape" in Twitch chats. By posting her username in chat, they are saying "rape" without actually saying "rape".

Basically, her entire group is devoted to attacking small female streamers, specifically small female streamers who are survivors of rape, with rape threats.

And if you are wondering, why "deserve to be raped" is what they chanted...

Once upon a time, there was a very healthy person, very athletic... hiked 13 miles every day through rough uphill terrain, went mountain climbing, bench pressed 78lbs even though being only 5'6", raised horses and went horseback riding, had a very active social life with dozens of friends, played tennis and golf, got invited to a lot of "high society" dinners and events... and had a partner, always by their side, for 32 years... they were seen in many social circles as the ideal couple...

and then one day... unexpectedly, while groceries into the back seat of the car at 10PM on the way home from work, in a dark corner of the parking lot that had no lights... 3 men carrying metal golf clubs and metal baseball bats, appeared out of the bushes beside the parking lot and attacked.

They left when they thought the person was dead... but they were not dead, they were still alive, against all odds... but their spine was broken, their nerves crushed and severed by the shattered bones of their vertebrae... their pelvis bones crushed, their hips bones obliterated, their knees shattered... they were paralyzed completely for 5 months, and then spent 18 months relearning to walk... but, the spinal column was damage beyond repair, and even after being sent to the best neurosurgeon in the country, the diagnosis was it couldn't be operated on... these particular nerves, it's a miracle this person can still speak or move their arms, that they ONLY lost movement from the chest down, defies medical logic, and no doctor dares touch those nerves, because of 74% chance, doing so, will make that person a vegetable.

They are bedridden now, crippled forever. Regaining movement in one leg but not the other, so can get up and walk, IF the dead dragging leg was the ONLY problem... but nerves control so much of your body, and a damaged spinal column, controls for more than just your legs.

This person no longer has control of bodily functions and has to wear adult diapers, that they can't change themselves... they have no way of knowing if they need to piss or shit and need a caretaker to change their diaper a few times a day.

Nerves in your spinal column also control things like heart and lungs, so breathing is now difficult and the heart needs monitoring because, well, it doesn't always work right anymore.

Nerves also control muscles, so tremors and twitches and seizures are all daily events now that make things like writing and typing very difficult.

There is so much more... but you get the idea... this person, once very active and very healthy, was suddenly and unexpectedly, brutally attacked, left for dead, and is now paralyzed for the rest of their life and left with many millions of hospital bills and countless health issues they they had no idea could be cause by a severed spinal column.

Yes, I am the person with the broken spine. 

That happened to me.

I'm crippled because 3 rapists with golf clubs, attacked me in a parking lot November 14, 2013. I was 8 months pregnant, they killed my baby, broke my spine, and the man I lived with for 32 years, said it was too much to deal with. 

He said it didn't look good if he didn't have a hot woman on his arm when he arrived at tennis matches. He said he had to "keep up public appearances".

I can no longer hike 13 miles a day, no longer bench press 78lbs something most men twice my size can't even do, can’t mountain climb or ride horses. I can't even get out of bed to take a piss in my bathroom 6 feet away.

THAT is the event she was mocking and making jokes about, and is what she and her Discord crew were talking about when they were chanting "deserve to be raped" in my chat.

She is a vile, evil, witch hunting cyberbully, who takes sadistic delight in obliterating the reputations of small streamers, by spreading hateful, malicious, slanderous sex lies about them. She is an absolutely horrible person.

Since the discovery of what she did (October 21, 2019) I no longer post anything in anyone's chat, at all. Chat on my channel is off and I don't post in any one else's chat either. I completely want nothing to do with Twitch chat at all anymore. 

I have severe anxiety attacks now just seeing a Twitch chat on any channel. Thankful Twitch has the open to hide chat and just watch the stream's video player now. I've not used Twitch chat in well over a year and I have no plans to go back to doing so.

So, yeah. There you have it. That's why haven't posted in your chat in a very long time. It's not you. I'm just having a very difficult time recovering from the deserve to be raped raids.


UPDATE: February 14, 2021... this has got to be the most revolting question I've ever received about streaming on Twitch. Let's answer it...

*is twitch racist? I recently started watching twitch, and for the past week every single ad i have gotten served has featured an all african-american cast. is this intentional? is this propaganda?*

..........

Well, it **IS** Black History Month, so maybe there are more than usual right now, but I hadn't noticed. People are people, I tend to not notice what colour they are. 

Of course, I'm not white, so maybe that has something to do with it? I usually only notice skin colour when the Ku Klux Klan is in my driveway... which they are several times a year - 

* they put my elderly dad in a coma May 9, 2006, 

* they blew up my house with a grease fryer bomb October 16, 2006, 

* they cut my car in half May 5, 2010, 

* they left my cousin's head at the cross road 2 streets down from me June 12, 2013, 

* they drove a backhoe over my house August 8, 2013, 

* they broke my spine with metal golf clubs November 14, 2013, 

* they kidnapped 12 of my children April 10, 2015, 

* they returned the heads, hands, and feet of 10 of said children, nailed to my front door May 15, 2015. 

So, I'm rather familiar with how much white people hate us.

And these events, are just a few of the more than 200 such events, including 5 bombs and many more deaths, to happen tomy family sinceJune2001.

And my family, is just one of many these events happen to. That backhoe has driven over 140 homes, just on my street alone, just Portland ave. It drove over 70+ more on Walnut St, and another 45 on Acorn St, both streets can be seen from my driveway.

My neighbour to my left, has dozen of bullet holes in her barn, and an empty lot, because she could not afford to rebuild after the backhoe drove over her house June 2, 2001 - that was the very first attack.

My neighbor to my right, 2 houses down, the bomb that blew up their how caused a mushroom cloud that could be seen all the way to the next state well over 100 miles away.

The attacks are DAILY and have destroyed the lives of more than 2,000 families.

One town, taken over by the Ku Klux Klan, and taken over in numbers so vast, that the police are scared shitless, as Officer Bubby Will put it: "They form a small army, and we aren't equipped to deal with it."

Welcome to Old Orchard Beach, Maine - the town which has a billboard that says: "Welcome to Old Orchard Beach, Maine, the whitest town in the whitest state of America, 99.9% white in the 98% white state."

3,000 of our town's 12,000 residents are active members of the Loyal White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan.

Our town was founded by Gypsies, specifically my family, my 15th great-grandfather founded it in 1530.

Our town became a refuge for escaped slaves during the pre-Civil War era.

Frederick Douglass, Billie Holliday, and Louise Armstrong all lived in our town at various points of their lives.

In 1953 more than 5,000 French/Jewish concentration camp survivors settled in our town, built a temple and synagogue and 300+ hotels, turned our fishing village into a tourist resort town.

The Ku Klux Klan invaded our town June 2001, built 2 topless bars, several honky tonks, a casino, and 15 nightclubs, and it's been a living hell ever since.

I have to deal with shithead, racist bastards like you on a daily basis. Your question disgusts me.

>>>is twitch racist? I recently started watching twitch, and for the past week every single ad i have gotten served has featured an all african-american cast. is this intentional? is this propaganda?

No. Twitch is not racist... you are.

Do you even know what racist means? Clearly you don't or you would see how overbearingly racist your question is.

Only a racist pig would think advertising is propaganda based on the skin colour of the actors in the ads.



#FAQs: Are you a Satan worshiper?

Why? Because I help a homeless man, who you are scared of, because his entire body is covered with acid burns?

Do you even know your own religion?

Judge not lest ye too be judged by the same measuring rod with which you have judged.

As for the question of Satan Worship, I've already answered that elsewhere... I'll move those panels closer to the top so you can find them.

But before that, let me ask your so-called Christian mind, a few questions, let's see how well you know your Bible.

#1... Did you know Satan is NOT in the Bible? Nor does Satan originate from the Christian religion at all?

Had you ACTUALLY read your Bible and not just parroted back the CliffNote inaccuracies your pastor incorrectly preached to you on Sunday, you would have known, that Satan is NOT a character who appears in the Bible, nor nor does he originate from Christianity at all.

Satan first appeared in the novel "Paradise Lost" and was a "Christonized" version of the Pagan Horned God.

There is no reason for any Christian, who was ACTUALLY a Christian, and ACTUALLY knew their Bible, to believe in the existence of Satan at all, seeing how Satan is not part of Christian foundations.

If you CLAIM to be Christian, you can NOT also claim to believe in Satan and STILL be a Christian.

And all those famous people who have "near death experiences" and visit Heaven or Hell... and tell you Jesus, told them about Satan ... well... you can prove every one of them to be fake ass phones, the minute they mention Satan and make the claim that Jesus warned them about Satan.... because Jesus KNOWS Satan is not a part of his religion, so He wouldn't say he was, would he?

Do your research, you'll uncover a LOT of scams in Satan's name, in modern day Christianity, simply because 99% of so-called Christians these days, can't tell the difference between their Bibles and their own ass.

#2... the devil.... did you know, the devil, whom Christians, claim to be the "alternate name" of Satan... is a type of Ghoul and comes from the Koran, and is a type of daemon found in the Muslim religion, and nothing to do with Christianity at all?

The devs and the gauls, or devils and ghouls, are types of spirits of people who died either by murder or suicide, and haunt graves, houses, junkyards, and various objects, until someone releases their soul.

Had read you read the Koran, you would have known that. 

Had you read the Bible, you would have known too, there is no devil in it.

#Here's a thought...

Before you make an ass of yourself by accusing someone of anything... you better make damned sure you can back up your claim.

I am simply a different culture, a different race, and a different religion from you. That is all. Only this and nothing more. 

But because I am different from you, you feel the need to bully and harass, and attack and accuse.

Why?

Why do attack me?

Why do you fling your accusations?

Why do you feel threatened by my culture?

Why do you feel threatened by my race?

Why do you feel threatened by my religion?

Why do you feel threatened by the color of my skin?

Why do you feel threatened by a square of fabric on my head?

Why do these things about me, cause you to falsely accuse me of being a witch?

Why do these things about me, cause you to falsely accuse me of casting curses?

Why do these things about me, cause you to falsely accuse me of being a Satan worshiper?

And even if I was any of those things, what business would it be of yours?

I keep to myself and mind my own business, I'm not bothering you, so why are you bothering me?

You my friend, are a busy body, and the Bible had a lot to say about busy bodies and how evil they are and how much Jesus hates them. May I suggest you read Proverbs. 

You love your Bible so much, that you feel the need to throw your fake ass Christian accusations in my face, but perhaps, you would do well, to stop worrying about the mote in my eye, and be more concerned about the log in your own... or did that section of the Bible escape you as well? 

Here's some tips for the next time you think someone isn't Christian enough to exist...

Why do you feel threatened by my culture... it's same culture Jesus had... he was Semitic Hebrew, or did you forget that?

Why do you feel threatened by my race?

Why do you feel threatened by my religion... Jesus was NOT a Christian. The Christian religion was founded by Roman Emperor Constantine 800 years AFTER Jesus died.

Why do you feel threatened by the color of my skin... Jesus had darker skin than me. He wasn't white. Your white power hatred, means you hate Jesus too.

Why do you feel threatened by a square of fabric on my head... jesus wore a cloth on his head. There are more 100 verses in the New Testament which say as much. Jesus also said it was a sin for a man to cut either his hair or his beard, and that neither men nor women should go outside without their head covered. Did you just overlook those teaches from Jesus. Jesus not Christian enough for you?

You feel threatened by curses? What about Balam's ass, you know Jesus's talking donkey? Or how about the water that turned to wine? Walking on the ocean waves? Taking 2 loaves of bread, breaking them into enough pieces to fill 5,000 baskets? The fig tree that refused to feed Jesus in winter when figs don't grow? The 12 year old boy eaten by a bear that Jesus sent to it, because the boy threw a rock at Jesus? Maybe you should read your Bible more.

Let me ask you another question... do you think Jesus was a carpenter? Silly jackass, had you read your Bible, you would have known Mary was a temple prostitute who got pregnant at age 12 and was forced to marry the carpenter, Jesphe, accused of getting her pregnant. That baby was Jesus, he had 3 brothers, and 5 sisters born after, and Jesus grew up to be a fashion designer, a tailor, and a dyer of cloth. Not a carpenter. Had you read the Bible, you would have known that. Had your minister read the Bible and not children's picture books, he would have known that too, and preached it to you correctly.

You idiot. You're just like everyone else who claims to be a Christian these days, following the mindless herd, without actually knowing the foundation behind your faith.

What was it Jesus said about many coming and preaching in his name, but they will be nothing more then the blind leading the blind?

By trying to prove how much of a great big super Christian you are, all you've done is prove you know nothing about your religion at all.

If you take part in harassing and bullying someone, YOU are a mean person.

No, someone abusing you does NOT make you mean. I guarantee I've received way more abuse then you ever have, and I choose to be kind and helpful to everyone... even mean people like YOU.

It's YOUR CHOICE to be mean.

No one makes you be mean.

To be a better person, you have to first CHOOSE to be better then you are now.

Everything you do makes a difference in the lives of others.

Are you a GOOD impact on their lives or a BAD one?

Did your words and actions HELP someone today or HURT someone today?

Are you a GOOD person?

Or are you EVIL?

Look in the mirror and find out.

FAQs: Are you a Satan Worshiper? 


All 12 of my uncles were high ranked men in the church. Mission leaders, Bishops, Boy Scout Leaders, Quorum presidents, Stake Presidents, Branch Presidents... every one of them. And they sold children for sex to other priests in the church. It's where they got their fucking money. And most of those children didn't reach adulthood. Most of then were beaten to death before they were even 10 years old. Beaten to death by the priests who paid $12,000 for 15 minutes alone with a child to rape them. 



The whole REASON people call me a Satan Worshiper is BECAUSe those same uncles, thought ahead of time, to go to MUFUN and spread rumors and lies about those children. 



It was a fucking scam.



The whole damned thing.



Every bit of it.



The alien abductions, the haunted car... it was ALL a fucking scam, created by my uncles to discredit toddlers 3, 4, and 5 years old, to make sure no one would believe them, should those toddlers ever tell any adults about the priests that were raping them.



That's all it was.



My uncles scammed you all, and millions of idiots all over the world believed them.



Stupid ass people, believing in demons and aliens and haunted cars.... when the stories my uncles told you about those demons, aliens, and haunted cars was nothing but their fake ass cover up story to hide the fact that they were running a child prostitution ring.





You see the constant police and backhoes digging up my farm at 146 Portland Ave, Old Orchard Beach, Maine - it's been going on since the first bodies were dug up by coyotes in 2016, ... if you're local, you've seen it, the hundreds of rusty oil barrels the FBI and police are digging up in my yard... the crowds of locals gathering around my farm, and police simply saying: "We are investigating cannibals" and giving no more details.



The oldest barrels they've excavated so far, date to the 1920s.... the bulk of them are from the 1950s to 1970s.... 



In those oil barrels are the bones of children. Little girls, 8, 9, 10, 12 years olds, who dared commit the sin of getting pregnant when white Americans paid $20,000 to rape them.



Americans like to spread all kinds of rumors about the group they call "The Scottish Mafia", but the reality of the so-called Scottish Mafia, is far worse then the stupid ass rumors.... a clan of cannibals, who raised little girls like they cattle, girls who spent their childhoods in cages, let out only long enough to be raped by American men willing to pay the highest prices, then slaughtered eaten as steaks when they turned 14 years old.... that's the REAL Scottish Mafia, a very big far cry from what you see portrayed as "Scottish Mafia" in TV and movies isn't it?



We females were seen as livestock.



Kept in cages, even puppy mills wouldn't dream of using.



Let out long enough to be raped by strangers.



Our rape babies beaten out of our bellies, on the orders of their fathers, who the uncles blackmailed more money out of. Pay money to beat the 8 year old child carrying your rape baby, ensure no one finds out what you do in your spare time.



Then slaughtered for food when you turn 14.



Your bones, sawed up, packed in oil barrels, and buried in the swamps.



They thought the swamps would rot the metal barrels, rot the bones.



They were wrong, weren't they?



The peat bog moss of the swamp preserved them. And now they are being dug up.



Go watch the VOD. See the bones being excavated out of my farm for yourself.



That is what I grew up with.



Daily being raped from the time I was 4 years old



When any of children got pregnant, our bellies were crushed.



And when we reached the age of 14, we were cut up into steaks and sold as fucking deer meat.



Have you noticed that in 2016, the door-to-door deer steak trucks all but vanished in Maine? Yeah. Now you know why. A lot of them are in prison now for selling human not deer steaks.



#If you have any information regarding this case, FBI Agent Andy Drewer out of the Portland, Maine FBI office is in charge of the investigation. He can be reached @ +1-(207)-774-9322



I'm one of the few who survived, because I had papers. When I was 12, a millionaire high priest from Austria, bought exclusive rights to me, and he also got me legal paperwork: American citizenship, a social security number, a birth certificate - things females in this clan were not allowed to have. Ben is the only reason I went on to become one of the few girls still alive today, and not sold as deer steaks when I turned 14.



A lot of people don't know WHY I got so damned mad at this vile, lewd, deviated sex crazed, slutty assed streamer woman, when she took events from my childhood and made BDSM sex fetish memes about it... because unlike this vile, lewd, deviated sex crazed, slutty assed streamer woman, a lot of people don't know the full details of what happened to me, what I saw happen to my cousins.



Half the time they weren't killed humanely... Anastasia... was only 4 years old, when on August 21, 1991, she had her leg pulled off her body.... the intestines came out with the bone .... her breakfast half digested spewed out all over the floor mingled with the blood... it took her 5 damned days to finally bleed to death. And they left her laying their, while the older male cousins,  leading them, kicked her, punched her, and rapeded her, over and over again.



#THEY FUCKING TORTURED HER TO DEATH!



Do you know what it feels like to have your head held down on a cement cinder block while a more traditional red brick is slammed into your face?



I do!



It was a common punishment.



I can even begin to count how many times my jaw was broken that way.



#Do you see now how incredibly VILE the sex joke memes this vile, lewd, deviated, piece of shit woman made about the torture I went through, is?



#HOW DISGUSTING this vile, lewd, deviated sex crazed, slutty assed streamer woman IS FOR CALLING A 4 YEAR OLD BEING TIED DOWN, RAPED, AND JAW BROKEN WITH A BRICK, A BDSM SEX FETISH!!!!!



This vile, lewd, deviated sex crazed, slutty assed streamer woman is a bad as the fucking men who did that to us!



How dare she call the torture we went through BDSM sex fetishes!



Over 300 little girls between the ages of 4 and 14 were MURDERED!



What kind of a sick bastard makes sex jokes about THAT?



#WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HER!!!!!



There has never been a time in my life, when I wasn't suffering in pain from broken bones that never got set, ruptured organs that left me bleeding for weeks on end. Not once being allowed to go to the hospital.



My hip dysplasia was caused by having a 2 foot long foundation nail driven through my hip when I was 4 years old.  



I've heard people say sex was good, fun, happy... I've never had sex that wasn't forced, wasn't rape, wasn't brutal, and didn't leave me without broken bones or torn muscles. Sex is the worse, most evil, most horrible, vile, pain riddin form of torture there is. I can't even image how anyone could enjoy being beaten, having their bones broken, strangled, stabbed with knives, forks, and broken glass plates... sex the most awful thing there is, I can not understand how anyone would want it.



The only good thing about sex is the babies that come from it, but all of mine were murdered before they could be born. I was never allowed to raise any of my babies, and I nearly died after every beaten that killed my babies. 



The most recent one, they beat me with metal baseball bats and golf clubs, left me not only without my baby, but with my spine, hips, and knees broken, I'm crippled for the rest of my left and have spent the last 6 years relearning to walk.



No one has ever been kind to me.



No one has ever hugged me.



No one has ever kissed me.



No one has ever loved me.



There are only 2 things I've ever wanted: a baby and a friend.



America has laws, a woman my age can't adopt, you have to be under 45 in order to qualify for consideration to adopt a child in America; and the last beaten, left me unable to have children.



That leaves me with only one thing left to hope for in life: a friend, someone to talk to. I've never had that. Not once. More then half my life was spent locked in a cage, with no lights, no heat, total darkness, in a room with no windows, no nothing, just mold and fungus several inches thick on rotten walls, and a dirt ledge floor, bare ground, no floor boards. Alone for weeks on end, not knowing if or when I would ever see a person, if or when I would be given another burned saucepan to claw scrapings off of.



#When the FBI raid happened, I was



* 31 years old, 5'6" and weighed 87lbs. 



* my bones and muscles were (and still are) brittle and falling apart from 2 decades of extreme malnutrition. 



* I was nearly starved to death and the rescuers estimated I would have died with in the next few months had the raid not happened



* the room was filled with the bones of others who had died, been tossed in the room, their flesh eaten by the same rats that chewed on my arms and legs each night... they had all been beheaded, so no heads or skulls were ever found and the FBI continues to excavate the area and dredge local waters in search of the skulls, to this day



* It had been decades since I'd last eaten a meal, with as many as 2 weeks passing between being tossed a burned pan to scrap out. 



* I couldn't see in daylight because I'd spent so many years in total darkness. 



* And I didn't know how to speak human languages, was only able to speak cat and chicken, due to the only ones I had, had to talk to in that time, was the feral cats that snuck in through the cracks in the walls at night, and the chickens who were put in the room in the winter to protect them from the cold.



* I had no social skills, did not know how to communicate with others; was only able to communicate via writing; 



* because the only physical touch I had ever had from anyone was being raped or being beaten... I had (and still have) a massive phobia of humans getting near me and am prone to massive meltdowns of total hysteria if someone gets within 5 feet of me



* I had (and still have) a massive phobia of forks, seeing them as weapons, not food utensils, due to have been stabbed, scarred, and tortured with sharped forks by my uncle Mervin Bruce Atwater, so many dozens of times



* I was 37 years old before I found out I was a human, and not a demon, like I had been raised to believe



* the team of psychologists, psychiatrists, and social workers assigned to me, all agreed that they did not believe I would ever be able to assimilate into HUMAN society, due to my extreme hatred for and fear of HUMANS, and my total 100% belief that I was not a HUMAN, caused by my mother's extreme paranoid schizophrenia, and her having locked me in a cage in that isolation room on my 8th birthday because she believed faeries had stolen her real daughter and replaced her with me, a demon changeling



* the team of psychologists, psychiatrists, and social workers assigned to me, all agreed that I likely will never be able to feel any empathy for or towards HUMANS, due to 3 decades of being raised by violent mentally unstable humans who had severe untreated schizophrenia that they bounced off each other... with them glorifying the glories of them being HUMAN and us children being DEMONS unworthy of living in HUMAN presence



* the thing this group of 24 psychologists, psychiatrists, and social workers found to be the single most disturbing fact of all, was that ...


#my 3 decades of neglect, abuse, and isolation was so extreme that I possess no sympathy, empathy, compassion, pity, or ability to identify with Humans - the only emotion I feel towards humans is loathsome hatred ... and they coined the term "OtherKin" to describe me, because there was no psychosis out there to label me... yes, I'm EelKat the first OtherKin, the child that psychiatrists coined the term for




* among things included in my diagnosis, was the phrase: 



>>>"is a UFO suicide cult survivor"



and



>>>"was raised by radical fundamentalist extremists"



and



>>>"was raised to believe she was not human"



and



>>>"was raised to believe she was a demon"



and



>>>"in interviewing the adults who raised her, 52 of them maintain the belief that she is a demon channeling that they refer to her as 'Her Grandmother's Evil Spirit'", "they claimed the real child ceased to exist after her grandmother's funeral", "they claimed that upon returning from the funeral, the real child was gone and this demon changeling was left in her place"



and



>>>"evidence suggests that her grandmother was murdered and she witnessed this event, resulting in the adults who murdered her grandmother creating the delusion that she was a demon, removing her from public school, and locking her in a cage in order to prevent her from telling anyone about the grandmother's murder"



and



>>>"they said they could not let her out of the cage because she refused to reveal where the faeries had taken the real child to"



and



>>>"they said they had no choice but to beat her daily because of her refusal to reveal the location of the real child she had replaced"



and



>>>"they likewise believe that both grandmothers were not human, citeing they too were demons"



and



>>>"they cited that the girl inherited 'Helen's evil spirit' upon Helen's death and 'Eva's evil spirit' upon Eva's death"



and



>>>"alarmingly every adult involved in her rearing displays severe schizophrenia, total belief in demons, and is fully convinced that this girl is a demon changeling; scarily their delusions fed on each other, giving rise to even more delusions" 



and



>>>"was removed from public school at the age of 8 years old a few hours following her grandmother's funeral; an investigation was made by the superintendent of schools, but social workers never followed up on the girl's sudden disappearance from public eye. These horrific events may never have happened had The Maine State Department of Human Services taken those initial reports from the her teacher, principal, superintendent, school nurse, and the child's pediatrician, all of whom files individual reports regarding concerns for the girl's safety after witnessing several signs of abuse during the weeks prior to her disappearance"



and



>>>"reports were made to the Old Orchard Beach Police Department regarding the girl's disappearance from school. No follow up was done. It has been discovered that members of the family worked in the police department and destroyed the department's record of these reports made by concerned school officials" 



and 



>>>"has never experienced kind, good, or loving relationships"



 and



 >>>"since infancy has never been hugged, held, cuddled, or touched in a good way by other humans" 



and



>>>"displays post traumatic stress disorder symptoms similar to WW2 concentration camp victims"



and



>>>"can not remember her name, answers to the names 'four eyed retard' and 'competition bitch' which appear to be the only names her mother called her since the age of 8 years old"



and 



>>>"has never been taught to view humans as equals" 






* in the weeks following the FBI raid, 3 aunts and 8 uncles, were all diagnosed with schizophrenia... among other things



* the 12 siblings, their 50+ spouses, and 400+ adult children who ran the child prostitution ring, were all diagnosed with sociopathy, 5 were diagnosed with megalomania, more the 3 dozen (including my mother) were diagnosed with Munchausen syndrome by proxy



* the group was classified as the most radical of the compounds that called themselves members of Heaven's Gate - 4 of it's leaders killed themselves in the infamous HaleBop murder/suicide that killed 39 people in California and was what led to the FBI raid a few weeks later



* the FBI raid would result in dozens of Catholic, Mormon, Pentecostal, Baptist, Born Again Holy Roller, New Life, and non-Denominational churches throughout southern Maine and the Greater Boston tri-state area being closed in the weeks/months that followed, in the mid-late 1990s, as hundreds of pedophile priests were arrested for having paid money (often $millions in church funds) to rape the young girls



* wild rumors began to surface, as horrified Americans dubbed the clan leaders involved in the Scottish Gypsy child prostitution ring as "The Scottish Mafia"



* while American movie producers had a field day stereotyping "Scottish Mafia" to mean anything and everything, we 140 survivors, had to fight claw and fang against paparazzi, alongside trying to even learn what the hell an American even was



* the worst of them, Stephen King arrived at the compound, with a huge movie crew and set out to filming a movie "The Thinner" based off what he referred to as "the Gypsies of Saco, Maine, the most REAL Gypsy style Gypsies I have ever encountered"... he and his crew were trespassers, had no permits or permissions, and today are in a legal battle against our clan trying to get the rights to release Thinner on DVD, something we absolutely refuse to sign off on - we are abhorred that he tried to capitalize on our decades of torture, pain, and suffering



* and all of the 140 others like myself, were also raised to believe they were locked in cages because they were demons....



* as of 2020, more than half of the 140 survivors rescued from that FBI raid have commit suicide, due to the pressures of trying to BECOME A HUMAN and to date none have been able to see themselves as HUMANS or successfully assimilate in HUMAN society and most are still 100% convinced they are DEMONS and are unable to identify as HUMAN or live among HUMANS



* while I was 31 at the time of the FBI raid; the eldest of my brothers was only 7 years old - yes, I am old enough to be the grandmother of every one of my brothers; one of them, was so badly traumatised by the abuse he received, he does not talk still to this day



* given the fact that my mother has multi-hundreds of medical records that all list her as infertile and unable to have children, after a brutal "miscarriage" (caused by an overdose of sleeping pills, then having her head cracked open with a brick b an unknown attacker while she was unconscious) she had 4 years after I was born, combined with the dates of the births of my brothers vs the dates of the so-called "miscarriage" beatens, some of the psychiatrists, psychologists, and social workers involved in the case, believe that chances are high that my brothers, may actually be my sons, stolen from me by my own mother, after being beaten unconscious by her brother Mervin Bruce.... this theory was further emphasized by the fact that one of my brothers is a blue eyed blond (everyone in the Atwater family has dark skin, black eyes, and black hair, due to being 3/4 Native American and 1/4 black African) and looks exactly like Ben (a blue eyed blond Austrian), the father of my babies



* my mother suddenly and mysteriously "became infertile again" after the FBI raid and her freak unexplained popping out new babies days after each of my so-called "miscarriages"  (each one caused by being beaten unconscious at around 8 months pregnant, and waking up with the baby gone, followed by my mother's miraculous "giving birth" to a slightly premature baby a few weeks later) suddenly ceased to happen



* I was 37 years old when a team of psychologists, psychiatrists, and social workers set out to training me how to do things like walk on my feet instead of crawl on all 4s like a cat



* I was also 37 years old when a team of psychologists, psychiatrists, and social workers set out to teaching me how to speak in human languages instead of in chicken clucks and cat growls and hisses



* during attempting to teach me to speak, they made an alarming discovery: I spoke via chicken clucks and cat growls and hisses, not because I didn't know human languages or lacked understanding as they originally thought, but rather, because I'd been hit in the face with a brick so many times in my lifetime, that I couldn't open my jaw wide enough to form words



* x-rays and trips to a dentist, revealed massive damage to my jaw bones, cheek bones, sinus region bones, and teeth, from years of being baten in the face with a brick



* at 41 years of age I had reconstructive surgery of my jaw, including 7 root canals... meaning my jawbone and 21 of my teeth are porcelain - not real bone or teeth, resulting in I am now able to eat solid foods for the first time in my life and also am now able to talk normally (before the surgery, the damage to my jawbone was so bad that I was classified as "near-mute" due to an extreme inability to open my jaw enough to be able to form words.



* all of my molars (back teeth) were crumbled shards, with raw pulp exposed



* my jaw was broken and healed improperly, in so many places that doctors could not determine how many times I had suffered a broken jaw in my lifetime



* the broken teeth and jaw bones were a result of having my head held down on a cement cinder block, while a regular red brick was used to smash my jaw - this was a recurring punishment I received a few times a month, from the time I was 8 years old until I was 31 years old



* I stopped talking when I was 14 years old and was classified as mute for the next 16 years - I "refused" to talk, because the searing pain in my jaw was so bad that I could not open my mouth far enough to form words



* the reconstructive surgery at age 41, resulted in my being able to speak normally, for the first time in my life



* I was 42 years old when I found out the concept of things like friends and people talking to other people existed; and my desire to have a friend, someone I could talk to set in



* July 1, 2001 a backhoe with the mural of a big red apple painted on it's side, drove over my house, while me and my brothers were gone to the movie theater... my mom's brother Joey bragged on Facebook that he had hired the man to do it



* February 14, 2003 - I was stuck in traffic and arrived to my doctor's appointment 10 minutes late.... lucky for me, as I arrived in time to see the mushroom cloud as a bomb in my doctor's office blew up First Care Health Clinic on Saco Ave, Old Orchard Beach, Maine, killing my doctor and 3 nurses, and leaving 21 patients in critical condition



* October 16, 2006 a bomb blew up my house and an 8 foot tall Ku Klux Klan cross was left behind in the rubal (keeping in mind, several uncles and cousins are members of the KKK)



* April 2007, the same backhoe returned to drive over my house yet again



* May 15, 2010, my car, the 1964 Dodge 330, was cut in half by a group of radical members of a local church known as The Saco Ward of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints; the Bishop's first counselor went to prison 7 months later



* May 2013 Southern Maine Community College was evacuated when a bomb was found in the back corner of the classroom I was in



* July 2013, while driving home from my job at the Maine Mall, I was pulled off the road to wait, while police closed off the crossroad at my street.... the body of my cousin Murphy was laid out in the middle of the road, minus his head... the police found his head a few miles away at a different crossroad... he was one of the children abused and survivors rescued



* August 8, 2013 the infamous backhoe returned to drive over my house yet again and this now being the 5th house this backhoe had driven over shortly after rebuilding from the previous attack, I gave up rebuilding houses to live under a tent instead



* August 13, 2013, on my birthday, one of my uncles posted on my FaceBook wall "paying that construction worker to demolish your house for your birthday was the best $600 I ever spent, Americans are such boobs, they'll do anything for money"



* November 14, 2013, while in a parking lot putting bags of art supplies in the back of my car 3 unknown people attacked me from behind with 2 metal baseball bats and a metal golf club. This was the first time since the FBI raid of 1997, that I had been pregnant again, and for nw the 7th time, had a "miscarriage" caused by a brutal beaten; but for the first time a beaten by stranger, not one of my uncles or my mother



* 2 of them were women who looked to be about 65 and acted like sisters or best friends, one with long curly orange red hair and cyberpunk looking neon lime green cyclops-style glasses and a off the shoulder sweater of large black and white stripes and screaming "it's my turn to shine"; the other a blond wearing a denim button front work-shirt; the 3rd a bald man who acted like either the blond woman's son or lover, and had a football player muscle build



* the November 14, 2013 attack broke my spine, hips, and knees leaving me paralyzed for 5 months and 18 months to relearn to walk 



* I returned to work in 2015, but now with limited movement and requiring a cane



* November 2015 Scarborough WalMart evacuated when a bomb was found in the department I was stationed to work in



* March 2015 my aunt's husband was arrested  by the FBI on a Boston Mass beach for selling bombs, bomb marking parts, automatic rifles, and machine guns to members of Isis; his bombs were identified both as the bombs that were used in the Boston Marathon attacks AND the bombs in my house, doctors' office, college, and work places; branding my mom's sister as the FBi's number 1 suspect in ALL of the attacks prior



* March 2015 her son was arrested at Scarborough Downs Race Track for selling prescription bottles stolen from the Southern Maine Medical Center (aka The Barbara Bush Foundation Children's Hospital aka the Biddeford Hospital)



* April 10, 2015 - 12 members of my family were kidnapped



* April 12, 2015 - 2 escaped and returned home, both with their jaws broken and nearly all of their teeth knocked out



* May 15, 2015, the heads of 2 of them were returned (8 more heads would be returned in the weeks following)



* May 15, 2015 she posted a message on my FaceBook wall which read: "the next head nailed to a dor will be yours"... she posted it 5 hours before I discovered the heads nailed to my door



* June 2016  Scarborough WalMart evacuated a second time when a bomb was found yet again in the department I was stationed to work in



* July 2016 - a red haired woman, the blond woman, and the bald man, this time in a gold Volvo suv, once again attacked me in a parking lot - this time at WalMart while I was putting groceries in my car... they attacked me from behind yet again, this tie with a shopping cart, while the redhead woman screamed yet again " it's my time to shine", while the blond woman screamed "that's EelKat she tried to kill my husband"



* since the July 2016 attack I have been bedridden with inoperable damage to my spinal column and unable walk unaided with the help of others



#There's your fucking ass Satan worship. Now leave me alone and go burn in hell where you jackass so-called Christians belong!.... while you bastards run around accusing children of Satan worship, the priests you praise in church were raping and torturing those children, and not a one of you ever did a damned thing to help. You people have the gall to call yourselves Christians? The murders of those children is as much on your heads as it is on my uncles.



And now that you know what my uncles did... think about this...



...the vile lewd, streamer bitch and her 200+ VODs and 2,000+ Discord posts... do you know what she said in them?



She took, copy and pasted, line by line, changing nothing, the details of the vile shit my uncles did to me, and made memes, saying Avallac'h did those things to Ciri, and said that THAT was WHY I liked Avallac'h.



She did THAT on top of making up the lies that I was a BDSM dominatrix and spreading that rumor across social networks.



She did THAT on top of hiring for $5,000 men, hit men... she fucking HIRED HIT MEN... to come to my house with guns and baseball bats.



February 2019 ... 5 of her trolls showed up at my house armed with guns and baseball bats... they raped 2 women, killed a 10 year old boy, hospitalized 3 elderly men in critical condition, totaled 3 cars, including doing $30,000 in damages to my daily driver, did $230,000 to the building resulting in the city condemning it resulting in 28 families being made homeless.



There is now an FBI investigation into ALL 800+ trolls from her channel, 2 streamers involved are now in prison, 20+ streamers have been perma banned by Twitch, and more then 700 of her "chat trolls" have received various forms of bans and suspensions, most of them are permabanned.



I thought there NOTHING more evil than my uncles... I was wrong, that filthy slut assed whore of a streamer bitch, was far, far worse.... she took crimes, rape, torture, and murder of children, and made it into a vile running gag.




I'm fed up with people looking to get their 15 minutes of fame, and taking advantage of the shit I lived through to try to get that fame.



I've had it.



I've survived hell that most people can't even stomach hearing about.



I REFUSE to be treated like shit, by a vile piece of trash like this vile, lewd, deviated sex crazed, slutty assed streamer woman who thinks taking the pain and suffering of others is good thing to make fucking BDSM fetish memes about.



This vile, lewd, deviated woman is 24 years old, sitting behind her computer screen, laughing, joking, making sex memes about the suffering of others...



Do where I was when I was 24 years old?



Locked in a cage that a chihuahua wouldn't even fit in. Nearly starved to death.  Hips broken. Jaw broken. Pools of blood gushing from my rectum. The bloody, clotted remains of the six month old unborn baby that had just been beaten out of my belly covering the walls of the cage.



You jackasses who followed her and spent 2 fucking years harassing me and my chat. What the fuck is wrong with you sick, sadistic pieces of shit?



You all ought to be ashamed of yourselves.



#HOW DARE YOU TRY TO TURN THAT INTO A BDSM SEX FETISH MEME, YOU'RE ALL VILE PERVERTED, FUCKED UP PIECES OF SHIT!



You people who took part in this cyber bullying, you are all as cold, cruel, hateful, and heartless, as you are evil.



Are you happy now?



There are some things, you don't want to know about people... but when you bully someone, make rumors about them, play follow the leader and spread lies about them, just because you are lusting after a slutty streamer shaking her boobs in your face... there comes a time, when you should step back, and ask yourself WHY are you helping her spread those lies? Is watching her shake her breasts in your face on Twitch, really worth digging up the past or a night mare hell that someone else lived through?



These wounds run deep and I do not appreciate you digging them up.



I kept this stuff separate from Twitch. And I'm not happy with you people bring it up.



I'm especially not happy, with you taking the vile evil torture that my uncles did to me, and making memes about those things, saying that Avallac'h did them to Ciri.



Had you read the novels, you would have known, Ciri went through a hell of a lot of shit, from a hell of a lot of men. Men who DID do things similar to what my uncles did to me. And because of that, I was able to empathise with Ciri a lot.



Avallac'h took her away from those men, and took her to a place where they couldn't find her. He protected her from men who were hurting her.



I like Avallac'h because I wish there had been someone like him in my life.



No one cared what happened to us children. No one. We desperately needed someone like Avallac'h. Someone who cares. Someone to take us away and keep us safe from the men who hurt us.



Maybe instead of chasing after some little Twitch whore's breasts, you should learn to think before you act.



Maybe, next time cleavage on camera, tells you to harass someone, maybe you'll think to do a background check on the person you are about to harass, and find out if what the boobs on camera tell you about that person, is really true, or are those breast just attached to the chest of an evil cyberbully who gets off on watching her mindless simps hurt others.



Not a one of you, thought to ask yourselves if what she was telling you about me was true.



You just attacked mindlessly or her orders.



Not one of you tried to get to know me.



You just believe her bdsm dominatrix sex lies without question.



You can see how I dress. Do I LOOK like a bdsm dominatrix to you?



We do Bible readings, almost every stream. And you would have known that, had instead of attacking me, you took the time to watch my channel.



Mindless sheep. That's all you are. Following the herd, without asking yourself if you even should.



Are you proud of what you've done?

FAQs: I can barely hear you when you talk, can you do something with the volume?

#FAQs: I can barely hear you when you talk, can you do something with the volume?





No, unfortunately. The audio is already as high as it can go.



I have stacibotrin poisoning and can not speak above a whisper, so no, there is no way to increase voice volume, it is already as loud as it can be turned up. 



It means the lining of my lungs are scarred so badly that speech is difficult for me. I have lived with this my whole life, it is something I have had since I was 8 years old. I have never been able to speak above a whisper.



It was caused by being locked in that "room", which among other things had a black "mildew" looking mold that was over 3 inches thick on the walls... when the FBI raid rescued me out of that room 31 years later, the "mildew" was tested and discovered not to be mildew but rather stacibotrin.



It causes me to cough up blood whenever I laugh or try to raise my voice above a whisper.



The frequent gushing nosebleeds that last for several hours are also caused by this. 



It is one of the first known cases of stacibotrin in America, and it was believed, due to the fact that it was growing 3 inches thick, which is not natural for this type of mushroom, that my uncles were doing biological warfare testing on the children they had imprisoned. They said my uncles were suspected of helping Russia test bio-weapons in North America *(This was during the 1970s and 1980s, so quite a long time ago, now)* I don't know what evidence they had to cause them to think that, but, it was what the agents and officers said during the raid.




I also tested positive for having had small pox, at some point... though the test was done when I was 42, I had it when I was 13... something that again, should not have been in America and further supported the FBI's theory that my uncles were building bio-warfare bombs. *(They built bombs and sold them to various terrorist groups, including the Isis bomb that killed a lot of people in Boston during some race a few years back. The uncle who built that bomb was the first one to go to prison.)*



The thing that has made catching my uncles so difficult was that they are not Americans. They are Canadians. They are illegal aliens from Canada, hiding in America, because it is easier to hide in America than it is to hide in Canada. Their headquarters is in Nova Scotia. I'm not sure where, I've never been to Canada.



The uncle that lived 6 months of the year in Russia, for most of the past 60 years, yes, even when Russia was closed to Americans, was also an Air Force Pilot and an Intelligence Officer at the Pentagon. All of the ID he had through the American military was fake, his age the military had him listed as was a full 10 years wrong, and all his "American citizen" papers *(SSN, birth certificate, etc)* were fake. He worked in the Pentagon for almost 20 years before it was discovered all his documents were fake, and that was what lead to his being discharged from the military, a few days before his expected being given the rank of Colonel. When the news reports came out reporters called him a "Russian spy" involved in "the Iron Curtain" and "the Cold War" . He joined the American military in the 1950s. Apparently it was easy to fake ID back then and once he was in, no one thought to check his documents again until the end of the 1980s.



Because of that particular uncle, who fortunately is now dead, all the "adult" children who were rescued in the FBI raid, had to be tested for everything they could possibly have ever medically had via being given it by men testing bio-weapons on children. I tested positive for Stacibotrin Poisoning, Anthrax, and Small Pox, all 3 of which are why I have the lung problems today, that I have.




But yeah, that's why I can't talk properly. I have massive scaring in my lungs from Stacibotrin Poisoning, Anthrax, and Small Pox, all 3 of which I had 50 years ago, when I was a small child, and I've had to live with the agonizing pain of lungs filled with scar tissue, for almost 60 years now, because my uncles were jackass bastards. Thankfully most of them are now either in prison or dead, and can't hurt anyone anymore. 



I wish the FBI raid had happened sooner. How different my life would have been, had I been rescued as a child or a teenager or even as a young adult. I was locked in that cage and tortured for 31 years. They put me in it when I was 8. The FBI raid let me out 31 years later.



But that is why, my voice is so very quiet. I'm not physically able to speak louder than I do. 



See photos of the "room" I was tortured in, in the panels about the room, you can see the Stacibotrin in the photos.



There were 12 uncles involved in the leadership of the clan. Their are 4,000+ direct family members, this number does not include in-laws and their families. Of those 4,000 only around 400 has American citizenship. All of the rest are Canadians in America illegally, with the exception of the Russian family members, who are Russian, and as far as I know only 2 of them have American citizenship.



The bulk of the men are polygamists, most have 2 to 5 wives, and several of the wives have multiple husbands, most have between 3 to 8 husbands *(these "lesser" husbands, act as "servants" of the primary husband, doing the "jobs" (petty crimes, bank robberies, making the fake IDs, that sort of thing, in addition to helping to raise the children; the lesser husbands are usually castrated to prevent adultery from happening with the lead husband's wives.)*. 



Each female is married between the age of 12 and 16 and will have given birth no fewer then 4 times by the time she reaches 16 years old. Most females give birth to 12 to 20 children. This is WHY, the DIRECT family, not including in-laws, has more then 4,000 members. 



Most of the children will die before reaching the age of 12. 



Most of the women will die before reaching the age of 35. 



Children are not named until they are 3 years old, because chances are high they will not live that long and they are not baptised until they are 8 years old, because again chances are high they will not live that long.  



Average lifespan in Gypsy culture is very, very, very low.



The Air Force Major *(now dead, by suicide, on the final day of the pedophile, child rapist court case brought against him by 86 teen girls all under the age of 16 at the time of the court case, but had all been raped by him under the age of 8... had he not died hours before the end of the trial, he would have gotten 86 sentences for the rapes, plus more charges for the Russian spy stuff, plus more charges for medical experiments on children; he was about to receive a sentence of more then 500 years in prison)*, one of his younger brothers was one of the leaders of Heaven's Gate *(who just died from Covid-19)*, while one of their sister's husbands *(who got life in prison and is still there)* was a supplier to Isis. They were the 3 the FBI was after when the raid happened. The FBI didn't know that these men also had 140+ children, whom had been locked in cages 30+ years, being tortured the entire time. I was one of those children.




The news reports called it "The Worst Child Abuse Case In American History" others called it "Maine's House of Horrors".



Their oldest brother and two of his adult children *(now both in their 60s and him today in his 80s)* were the founders of a branch of the Ku Klux Klan known as "The Loyalist White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan More Loyal then the Loyal White Knights", a group founded for none-whites to "cleanse their DNA and become white". These 3 are still at large, were responcable for the bomb that blew up my house in 2006, where responcable for the kidnapping and beheading of my children in 2015, and are the primary mods of the streamer behind the "deserved to be raped raids" here on Twitch. He is the correct Patriach of the clan. His word is law and when comands orders, then Clan obeies. Many of that streamer's Discord "community" are members of the 4,000 who follow this man. It's WHY she was able to so quickly gather up so many to attack my channel, and if you watch her VODs, you can see the many times one of his sons pays that streamer a $500 donation, with instructions to attack my channel.



In the 30 years since the raid that rescued us, I've had to live with endless interrogations by police and FBI, who refuse to believe I know nothing about my uncles', aunts, and cousins' activities outside of the compound. The same dozens of questions asked over and over again every few months for decades on end. 



Constantly be called into court every time yet another uncle, aunt, or cousin is caught. And endless disappointment from the agents, officers, and lawyers when, once again, they call me in t be a witness and are once again reminded that of the 4,000+ members of the family, I have met face to face fewer then 30 of them and do not know what any of the 4,000+ others look like, nor do I know their names. 



They seem to forget that my being locked in a cage in a closet for 31 years, means, the only people I ever saw, were the ones who tossed food into the cage and the ones who tortured me. They hope against hope that maybe I'll know something about this criminal or that criminal. But why would I? I had one square foot of space, to sit huddled in, my knees to my face. There were no lights, no windows. 



Darkness 24 hours a day for years on end. Even the ones I did see face to face when they came in once every 12 days to toss molded bread and maggot filled rice at me, I couldn't see their faces through the darkness, and didn't know their names. While there were 12 uncles who ran the group, I only ever met 5 of those uncles, though I could hear the fighting and yelling from the next room, and a few times saw the blond American with the German Shepard dog, who was the one who all the money went to, I still don't know who they were, not to this day.



In spite of the money they brought in, my uncles struggled to get by or feed the family most of the time because they only kept a 10% cut... all the rest of the money went to the blond American with the German Shepard dog. HE was the actual leader of the group, and he wasn't a relative. I don't know who he was. They just called him "Mark". They'd rush around in a panic the days he showed up, saying stuff like "We gotta hide these before Mark get's here"... "Mark's coming today, he can't find out we got these." I don't know who Mark was, I could probably ID him if the police or FBI ever caught him, because him, I did see several times. He showed up like clockwork every month to collect the money, the weapons, and the drugs, that my uncles handed over to him. 



But the uncles, the auntes, the cousins... I can't ID most of them, because I never saw them. Most of them were in Utah, Nevada, Arizona, and Wyoming and never even came to Maine at all. Others are in Canada, Russia, and Australia, and again, never came to Maine at all. So none of them I can ID either.



It's frustrating.



I want to just move on and live a normal life. 



I've never been wanted.



Never been loved.



Never been welcomed.



Never been accepted.



Never been included.



Isolated for decades in solitary confinement, since I was 8 years old.



I went years between being allowed to bathe.



Years between any human contact that wasn't a hand wielding a brick to my jaw.



I've never had a friend.



I've never had a real family, just abusers.



31 years in a cage, in a closet with no light.



And when I finally escaped... I found the outside world to be just cold, just as cruel, just as unkind, just as unloving.



I used to think my uncles were the freaks.



But now I know, I'm the freak. Because I'm not violent. I feel pain. I desire love. I desire friendship.



But I've learned that Humans are incapable of those things. 



Humans are cruel.



Humans are incapable of showing love.



Humans are incapable of desplaying friendship.



Because Humans are evil. There is no good in them.



My uncles were not flukes, they were norm of the Human race.



Since my escape, my only goal has been to find love and friendship.



 But every few months the police or FBI will capture yet another uncle, aunt, or cousin and then the whole process starts over again... call me in to ask what I know about this one, can I point them out in a line up. 



No. I never heard of this one either. 



No. I was locked in a cage for 31 years, in total darkness. I never saw anyone but the 5 uncles who tortured me and the handful of adult cousins who helped them.



It's why I play video games so much, so obsessively. I'm trying to forget the endless having to deal with police and FBI and court, month after month, for decades on end. With no break. It's as bad as the first 31 years of my life in the cage! I had no freedom then, but I have no more freedom now, because the police and lawyers and FBI look at me as though I know everything about the criminal relatives in my family, when I know next to nothing about them, and pester me constantly.




The Isis uncle. I'd never even heard of him before. Or Isis. The police showed up after they arrested him. In 2016. That was ever heard of him or Isis. I remember one of the officers asked: "What do you mean, you never heard of Isis? Don't you watch the news? He killed all those people at the Boston Marathon with a bomb!"... I was sitting in my yard, under the tarp that is my house. And response to the officer: "Does it look like I have a place to plug a TV in? One of these trees perhaps? I've been homeless since the bomb blew up my house in 2006." Apparently, I have uncle named Paul. Well, he's not an uncle I ever heard of before. And apparently he builds bombs for someone named Isis, whom I also never hear of before. But apparently, according the officers who arrived in my yard, this Isis dude killed a lot of people in Boston with a bomb built by an uncle Paul, I didn't know I had. 



When the police showed up March 1997, asking about Heaven's Gate. I'd never heard of Heaven's Gate. That's not what any of my uncles ever called the farm. "The Royal Highland Atwater Clan" that's what my uncles called. Except for Richard who called it "Three Swans". Heaven's Gate? No. None them used that term. Only the police ever called it that. They were looking for my uncle Bruce, but he was in Utah. Never did understand why the police were here in Maine looking for him. Mervin Bruce. Leader of Heaven's Gate? Was he? All he ever did was stockpile weapons, rave and rant that God lived on planet Kolob, and was going to fly in on a mothership hidden in the shadow of Comet Wormwood. He fucking insane. He claimed Satan visited him every night and demons talked to im all day. When he was finally arrested... for cutting his wife's foot off at the Saco Dairy Queen... the judge asked him why he cut her foot off, and he told the judge Satan told him to. He was diagnosed with schizophrenia and sentenced to spend the rest of his life in a state run mental institute. He recently died of Covid-19.



And yet, when the police arrived asking question about him. All they wanted to know was, the names of the 39 victims who died in California. How the hell am I supposed to know? I've never been outside of Maine. I have agoraphobia, I don't even leave my yard. California is as far away from Maine as you can get and still be in America. They had all kinds of questions about Heaven's Gate... but in 1997, I'd only been released from my cage, less than a year. I'd never heard of Heaven's Gate. Like I said, just because the new reports and the police said it was Heaven's Gate... no one inside the farm ever called it that.



And Major Richard Merlin? He was in Russia buying little girls. Biggest pedophile in the clan. He had 16 dogs, used buy children from Russia, then make videos of his dogs raping them. He had beastiality child porn website. And yet when the police showed up for him, all their questions were about Russian spies and Iron Curtains and Cold war. They didn't give a shit about the hundreds of little girls he filmed while his Britney Spaniels and Irish Setters raped them. I seriously doubt he ever stopped sexually abusing children long enough to spy for the Russian government. But that's what the police believed and it's what the news reporters printed up in news papers when he got dragged off to court in 2013. He commit suicide day before the trail ended, after 86 of the children he'd raped showed up in court the night before to testify against him.



When the police arrived about the priests who bought time with the children... they only asked questions about Catholic priests from Boston. I've never in my life met a Catholic priest. The priest my uncles were selling little girls to... they were NOT Catholic, nor where they in Boston. Again, I've never been outside of Maine, and I was 42 years old, first time I ever met a non-Mormon. All those men my uncles were selling little girls to, every one of them was a Mormon priest from Cape Elizabeth Ward of the Augusta Stake. Not Catholic. And not Boston. But the police didn't want to listen to that. And when the news reports went out, they connected my uncles to the Catholic Priests of Boston, but once again, the news reporters got it wrong.



And that's the way it always is. The police show up with questions, assuming I know something about some event, that I've never heard of, involving people, I had no clue was related to me, and they are so hung up on getting some big bust in the news, that they ignore the reality of the situation, every time. 



So yeah, there are the news reports, claiming my crazy child abusing uncle was one of Heaven's Gate's leaders, claiming my air force pilot uncle who had a giant full color catalog of photos of little girls whom he bought through the mail via that Russian catalog and making videos of dogs fucking them calling him a Russian spy. And then they come in with some uncle I never heard of working with some other guy I never heard of, who's supposedly famous or something. 



The Clan is huge, yes, but it's based out of Nova Scotia in Canada... in another country. And the bulk of them run their business out of Salt Lake City in Utah... 10s of 1,000s of miles away, half way on the other side of the globe... while the one with the most warrants for him, is in Australia. And I've never meet any of them or their wives or their children or their grand children or their great grand children. I don't even know their names. I've never even seen pictures of them. I've never had any type of contact with a single one of any of them. The ONLY ones I knew, were the ones here in Maine, who worked for that blond "Mark" guy with the German Shepard. 



And YET... every other month, there they are again, the police or the FBI, back again, because hey, we've yet again arrested one of these people you never heard of before and didn't know you were related to, but they are connected with this big case we are working on and we want to sensationalize the news reports, we're here to intergate you about this relative you never meet, never heard of, and didn't know existed, because every other relative of theirs slammed the door in our face and you're the only one who would let us in your house... oh, wait you don't have a house, you live under a tarp, and you didn't actually let us in, we started stopping around your yard without your permission.



I wouldn't mind helping the police and FBI, if I actually knew what the fuck they were talking about, who the fuck they were talking about. But the thing is I don't.



And when I tell them I don't know anything, they point out, well you said you would help... yeah, I did... and if I knew anything I would, but I don't so I can't.



Do you have any idea how annoying this is?



I'm related to 4,000+ fucking criminals, only 30 of whom, I've ever meet, know the names of, or ever even heard of... and because these people who I don't even know, share the same DNA as me, the police think, well I must know them somehow, and they can't find any leads, so let's ask her a million and one questions that we already know she doesn't know the answer to, because we don't have anything better to do right now.



The uncles, I new anything about, were the ones who raised me and they are dead now, except for one. I don't know the others.



Why can't they just let me live in peace.



I mean I get that the police are trying to do their job, but this is borderline harassment. If they were doing their jobs better, they would already know I've never had a connection to those 4,000+ relatives they claim I have. And that's another thing... I only have the police officers' word on that. 



The family I can account for are: my grandfather had 2 wives, 15 children by 1, 3 died in childbirth, 1 died at age 3. 11 reached adulthood. My mother was #8. Of the 7 boys and 4 girls, they had in total 64 children via their 1st spouses. Those 64 children went on to have just over 300 children with their 1st spouses. In total, I can account for 400 people in my family, NOT the 4,000 total that the police give. Who those 4,000 other are, I don't know... because they are NOT related to the original 12. The Atwater Clan has 400 people, not 4,000 like the police claim. And of those 400 I only names of the 30 I've meet.



Do they not take into account how I was raised? In a cage! In a fucking cage! For 31 years! How exactly do they expect me to know anyone other then the 5 uncles who tortured me, and the handful of adult cousins who helped them?



All the police talk about Heaven's Gate, Isis, Russian Spies... I know nothing of those things. What I do know, David demanded memorizing scripture and if I misquoted he's use a shovel to cut off a cat's head, while Bruce fired up his masonry drill to drill a 2 foot long foundation nail through my leg, while Richard pulled out a camcorder to film it. Every Sunday, I was allowed out of the cage, so we could all go to church, Cape Elizabeth Ward of the Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saint, Agusta Stake. I was instructed to never say a word. If I got caught talking to anyone, I got a cinder block to the face when we got home. Over those 31 years, I went to 16 Bishops, told them what was happening and begged for help. They never looked into it. From the time I was 14 until the the time I had surgery at age 42, it was believed I was mute, but I wasn't and I couldn't tell anyone, because my jaw was broken so bad, from it having been broken with a cinder block so many times, that I could no longer talk. Bruce was brick layer, he used bricks and mason nails to torture me. That is what I know. 



I didn't even know there were 140 other children there. I found that out from the news reporters after the FBI. I never saw those 140 children. Those 31 years I was locked up, I thought I was the only child there. I had no idea there were others. To this day, I've never even meet the others. The police never even told me their names. My entire life was spent in that cage.



I had chicken pox when I was 6. Small red pimple blisters covered my face and chest. I had a high fever and a week later it was gone.



Then when I was 13, my parents and my uncles, claimed I had chicken pox again. But this time was vastly different. Giant blackish-red wart-like thing, covered the palms of my hands, the souls of my feet, my back, my face, and the inside of my mouth and lungs. I almost died. I was on a liquid diet for 8 months, because the bumble-like blisters in my mouth were over and inch across, and I couldn't open or close my moth to eat. They kept me on the floor in the living room. One of the few times I wasn't left locked in that room. The swelling of my palms and soles was so bad that my hands and feet were not recognizable as either hands or feet. It lasted for months. 



When I was 42, doctors ran bloodwork on me, they said I had strange symptoms. Like I was suffering the after effects of having had a life threatening illness. They asked, if I ever had, and I told them about the 2nd time I had chicken pox.



The doctor went white. She said what I decided, most definitely was not chicken pox. Chicken pox doesn't do that. The next words out of her mouth were: "Have you ever been to Russia?" No. But one of my uncle lived their 6 months of the year. His wife was Russian. Her family lived in America 6 months of the year.



She went to her office and got a book. Huge college text book for medical students, and in it was a chart that should lots of different types of pox. She said: "Point to the one that looks like what you had." I did. She looked like she'd seen a ghost. Put the book away and said: "We need to test your blood." A few weeks later, she was telling me: "You had small pox. It's not possible, but you did. The Major, why was he in Russia?"



I don't know. His office was in the Pentagon. He was an intelligence officer. That's what lead to his being investigated for being a Russian spy. Because I had Small Pox, in America in the 1980s. So in come the police with more questions. And me, I have no answers. I was just child locked in a cage. The guinea pig for my uncles apparently, so I'm now told.



But that's what destroyed my lungs.



That's why I can't talk above a whisper.



That's why you can't hear me well, in spite of good audio equipment.



With my audio equipment you should hear me clear as a bell.



But my lungs are full of scars, and every breath I take hurts like hell.



Small Pox.



That's why I have to be so extra careful to avoid Covid-19.



Someone whose lungs are as damaged as mine, Covid-19 would be a death sentence.



I escaped the hell of living with my uncles, and now live in the hell of being one of the few survivors willing to help the law take them down, so have no moments peace every time any one gets a lead on where one of my uncles, aunts, or cousins might be.



Playing video games is the only escape I have from the nightmare that is my every day life.



I would like to have just one place in my life where I can have some freedom once and for all from the hell of my uncles and their criminal lifestyle.



Twitch was that place.



Twitch was where I came to have a few minutes of freedom from the hell I live with offline.



It's WHY I kept EVERYTHING about my life OFF Twitch.



And you fucking bastards went and brought it here!



Why?



The news reports called it "The Worst Child Abuse Case In American History" others called it "Maine's House of Horrors". And a jackass streamer called it "BDSM fetish".



We were tortured by men who were monsters, and that's why I really don't like it when that streamer ran around saying this stuff was BDSM. Criminal men, torturing children who were only 8 years old, is NOT BDSM. And there is something wrong with you, if you say it is.




And she gathered up 300,000 Discord followers to help her spread that lie around the internet, and with it, a lot of other lies about my past... so now here it is... my past, as so many of you wanted to know about.



Do you understand NOW why I buried my past and kept saying I did not want to talk about it?



I kept everything separate from Twitch. Heaven's Gate, my uncles, my childhood, everything in my offline life, I never brought any of it to Twitch. 



None of it. 



I made my channel all about the game, Witcher 3 and ONLY the game and nothing else. I kept everything from my life separate from Twitch.



And this woman, this streamer, she became obsessed with me, dug up my past, found news reports, interviews, blogs, magazines, newspapers... she dug up everything she could find, and used it to make make 5 hour long daily Twitch streams about me. She flooded Twitch with all the events from my past that I put so much effort into keeping out of Twitch.



I didn't want it here.



I kept Twitch as a safe zone, a place I could go to try to forget.



I can't sleep I have post traumatic stress disorder, night terrors, obsessive compulsive disorder, and agoraphobia.



I have a raging phobia of guns and sex and men. I avoid those things like the plague.



I threw all of my streaming focus into the game, to try to block out everything going on in my life.



Why did she bring all of that here?



Why did she her followers here to torment me about a past, I want to forget?



Why did they think it was something they have fun making sex jokes about?



#It is very messed up to reveal someone's private personal information like that, especial when it is such extremely sensitive and traumatic private information.



What this fucking piece of shit did is below low. She is one fucked up piece of shit. What kind of a person does something like this?



I grew up in a fucking hell, raised by monsterous men who tortured us, and when I escaped that hell, I wanted to leave it and never look back, never think of it again, never be reminded of it, start a new life. 



It's why I never talked about it. 



It's why I never told anyone about it.



I wanted to forget it.



You ill mannered delinquents, you stepped some HUGE boundary lines.



And every one of the 300,000 of you involved in this horrendous attack on me, on every social media, you all out to be ashamed of yourselves.



All 300,000 of you, you are all vile, despicable, evil, horrible people.



It was bad enough that she dug all that up and brought it here to Twitch and sent people to my channel to hound me about it... but then she did all that filthy sex stuff on top of that. She couldn't stop with just digging up my past and my connection to fucking Heaven's Gate... no! No, that wasn't enough for her. Then she had to rub salt in the wound by making up filthy ass sex lies about me and spreading those all over the internet.



What the fuck is wrong with her?



What is wrong with everyone in her community?



It's bad enough she started it, but why the hell did so many people join her in it?



Why did any of them take any part in any of this?



Evil people do evil things. Life is difficult enough on it's own, without evil people coming along and making it worse.



I am deeply distressed and upset over this whole thing.




And if you have any information about my uncles or their clan or their accomplices, don't give it to me, give it to the FBI agent in charge of the investigation: *FBI Agent Andy Drewer out of the Portland, Maine FBI office. He can be reached @ +1-(207)-774-9322*

Wait... you're that freak that brought otherkin to the internet aren't you? You're like the founder of online otherkin awareness movement or something.

Yes.

I am.

I did on some level introduce OtherKin, or rather, ElfKin, to the internet in 1996.

I am considered to be one of, if not the VERY FIRST OtherKin to grace the internet.

Though, I am ElfKin, not OtherKin. They are different.

I completely reject Humanity.

I live my life, as an Elf.

I have done so, since 1987. 

As of 2020, I have lived as an Elf for 33 years.

I hate Humans.

I feel no empathy, sympathy, or compassion for Humans.

I see Humans as vile, evil creatures, whom I share no connection to.

I feel nothing but revulsion for Humans.

There has never been a point in my life when a Human showed me any kindness, love, or compassion.

I have been tortured, beaten, caged, raped, shunned, outcast, ostracized, and bullied endlessly by Humans.

The Humans who raised me, kept me locked in a cage from the time I was 8, until I was 31 years old. They said they did so because I was not a Human and was not allowed to participate in Human activities like eating at the table, sleeping on a bed, using a toilet, or bathing. They said I was a Changeling, brought to them by Demons. They claimed the real Human baby was taken from them, and I was a Demon left in it's place. And while I agreed with them, that I had no similarities to their Human nature, I did not believe myself a Demon either.

I was 31 years old the first time anyone told me I was a Human. But no one has yet been able to prove to me that I possess the evilness of Humans. 

Unlike Humans, I feel love.

Unlike Humans, I feel pain.

Unlike Humans, I shed tears.

Unlike Humans, I feel empathy.

Unlike Humans, I feel sympathy.

Unlike Humans, I feel compassion.

I have tried for 40 years, to live among Humans, but I've yet to meet a Human that will accept me as a part of their society.

I have never been welcomed by any Human.

I have never been accepted by any Human.

The older I get and the more Humans I meet, the crueler I learn that they are, the stronger my hatred for the entirety of Humanity grows.

I searched for years to find out, what I was, where I fit in, where I belonged, for everywhere I went, I was repeatedly told I was too strange, too bizarre, too different, too alien, too not-Human to be welcomed in any group, any church, and community, offline or online.

Since I was a toddler I felt a strong kinship to Eels and Cats, thus my name. My Native American grandmother named me EelKat when I was 3 years old, citing that Eels and Cats were my spirit animals.

My other grandmother called me FarSighted, because I talked to ArchAngels and Faeries in the forest. She said I walked through the veil between the Spirit World. She died when I was 8 years old.

As I grew older, and continued to be ostracized by all of Human society, I started researching the things Grammy Eva and Grammy Helen has said: Spirit Animals, Fairy Sighted, and Walking the Veil. That is when I realized, everyone was right... my parents, my uncles, everyone at every church I ever attended, random strangers I meet on the streets... every one, every single Human, as always said, I either was not Human, didn't act Human, or seemed to be Alien to Human Society, like I came from another world. 

The Humans who raised me, kept me locked in a cage from the time I was 8, until I was 31 years old. They said they did so because I was not a Human and was not allowed to participate in Human activities like eating at the table, sleeping on a bed, using a toilet, or bathing. They said I was a Changeling, brought to them by Demons. They claimed the real Human baby was taken from them, and I was a Demon left in it's place. And while I agreed with them, that I had no similarities to their Human nature, I did not believe myself a Demon either. And decades later, after researching, I feel they were right. 

The more I studied, the more I realized, everything I do that Humans say is strange and bizarre, things like love, feeling pain, shedding tears, empathy, sympathy, or compassion, those things Humans are incapable of doing, that I do and brand me as starkly notHuman, they were all things the Ljósálfar do.

So I researched the Ljósálfar. They do many thing I do, that Humans find to be my most deplorable traits: like growing flowers, being vegan, and not hurting animals, shunning drinking of alcohol, smoking, drugs, or owning weapons. 

I eventually came to believe I am an Elf trapped in the world of Humans, as some sort of test.

No. I do not believe I am Human.

Yes. I do believe I am an Elf.

Yes, I AM that "freak" who introduced the internet to the concept of OtherKin, via ElfKin, in 1996.

Yes, I am the textbook standard, found in actual medical books, used by Psychiatry students, yes, those are photos of me you see in your college textbooks and in the Journal of Psychiatry entry. I am the first one diagnosed and therefore the standard by which all OtherKin are measured. 

Yes, I am the measure by which all OtherKin around the world measure if they too are OtherKin or not. But I wonder how many of them, know the origin of the term OtherKin and how many of them would call themselves that label is the ACTUALLY KNEW, the ACTUAL origin and meaning of the word?

OtherKin is not a label I use to call myself. The term OtherKin was coined by team of Psychiatrists, who didn't know what else to call me. They classified me at first as "a Feral Child with Learned Schizophrenia", citing that while I didn't have Schizophrenia, all 5 of the uncles and their father, who raised me did have Schizophrenia and because I was raised in total isolation with zero contact with anyone outside of these men, I was raised as though what they were was normal because I had no outside source by which to judge that how they raised children was not normal, nor was how they lived their lives normal. I was told by these Psychiatrists, that once I got out in Human society and found out what mainstream society was like, I would see, how different, how unique, how bizarre, and how unusual and not the norm, my uncles were.

I have lived among mainstream society for 33 years now and I have yet to meet a kind, loving, friendly Human. 

This group of Social Workers, Psychologists, and Psychiatrists, coined the term OtherKin, because they said there was nothing I conformed to, no textbook illness that matched what I was. They toyed with the idea of diagnosing me many different ways because they said that on the surface I seemed like this or that, but then, comparing all the symptoms, I never fully matched up.

Schizophrenia didn't stick because there were no voices in my head telling me what to do. After tossing out the option of Schizophrenia, they tried out Multiple Personality Disorder and also Dissociative Identity Disorder. But, I don't have multiple people I become. Both of those have the requirement of becoming someone else, another person. MPD you are unaware of the other people "living in you" while DID you are fully aware of the "other people" and communicate with them and likely have a lot of past life experiences. I don't believe in past lives or reincarnation or being multiple people inside of one mind. I dress up in costumes of characters, but I never try to be that character, I simply like to wear their pretty clothes. 

They tried considering Asperger's for a bit, but I missed many, many, many a mark there.

In the end my official diagnosis is: Actual Autism Kanner's Syndrome, with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and SchizoAffective or maybe Schizotypal tendencies, I can't tell, and the most bizarre behaviour of refusing to believe she is Human, largely because she was raised in an isolated UFO Cult that raised her as a Demon from infancy to middle age. She has many phobias most notable a severe and disturbing phobia of Humans in general and Men in particular. There is no correct diagnosis for her. She is unique. This is a unique case. I am putting in a request to the State for funding to study her. This is something new. This needs to be studied. We are witnessing the side effect of child who was raised in total isolation. A child that was never loved, never kissed, never hugged, never showed empathy, sympathy, or compassion. She feels nothing for Humans. She does not believe she is Human. There has never been a documented case like this before. This is the worse case of child abuse in American history. 

I did not found any "OtherKin Awareness Groups" as is the common internet misconception. I don't even use the term OtherKin. It's a label OTHERS slap on me, as further proof that I don't belong in Human society, am not Human enough to fit in, not Human enough to be welcomed, not Human enough to be included. That's all the label OtherKin means to me. Yet more proof that Humans hate me, see me as not Human, and feel the need to put a label on me. 

But I am the standard by which all who claim to be OtherKin, measure if each other is OtherKin or not, because I am the textbook case, the original test subject, that caused Psychiatrists to coin the term OtherKin, so most people believe I am the "first" OtherKin, even though groups like The Silver Elves existed in the 1970s, long before the FBI raid that rescued me from one of the Heaven's Gate compounds.

No. I do not try to bring awareness to the "OtherKin Movement". OtherKin is a psychological disorder that for some odd reason, teens and young adults, think of as some sort of roleplaying, cosplaying movement. They don't know what it is. They never looked up any medical journals or psychiatry textbooks. They change what they are on a whim, a Vampire today because they love Twilight, a Witcher tomorrow because they saw the NetFlix series, SpiderMan next week after they watch that movie. They don't know what OtherKin is. It's not a fandom. It's not roleplay. It's not dressing up. And you're a fool if think that's what it is.

People get the misconception that it is roleplaying and cosplaying because I am prone to dress up in elaborate costumes. I like their clothes. It's as simple as that. I'm trying to be them. I don't roleplay them. I don't pretend I am them. I simply like to wear their clothes, in the exact same way, every teenage girl in school has to wear the same t-shirt as her best friend.

When the OtherKin diagnosis was coined, I didn't yet wear costumes. I'd never seen TV or movies or video games. I'd never been to school or doctors. I had no point of reference for what any of these characters would have looked like. The wearing of elaborate costume came about almost a decade AFTER Psychiatrists coined the term OtherKin to describe me.

OtherKin, was referencing my refusal to accept the fact that I was Human, when Social Workers, Psychologists, and Psychiatrists tried to convince me that I was not a Changeling Demon switched at birth like the adults who raised me had taught me to believe.

OtherKin, was referencing the fact that my combined hatred for and phobia of Humans was so great that I had no ability to believe I was a Human, when they told me I was.

OtherKin, it's ACTUAL Journal of Psychiatry definition, is very simply: The belief that one is not Human and is something other than Human. That's what OtherKin means.

Anyone who tells you OtherKin is anything else, has no clue what OtherKin is, knows nothing about it's history, knows nothing about how the term was coined, and is completely clueless about OtherKin in general.

People like to come in saying things like: "Well, because I think OtherKin is about ___ I think we should change the meaning of OtherKin to include ___"

No. OtherKin is an ACTUAL MEDICAL DISORDER... you don't walk into a doctors office and say: 

  • "Well, because I think Cancer is about ___ I think we should change the meaning of Cancer to include ___"
  • "Well, because I think Asthma is about ___ I think we should change the meaning of Asthma to include ___"
  • "Well, because I think being stung by a bee is about ___ I think we should change the meaning of being stung by a bee to include ___"
  • "Well, because I think broken bones are about ___ I think we should change the meaning of broken bones to include ___"
  • "Well, because I think Influenza is about ___ I think we should change the meaning of Influenza to include ___"
  • "Well, because I think Diabetes is about ___ I think we should change the meaning of AIDS to include ___"
  • "Well, because I think SmallPox is about ___ I think we should change the meaning of SmallPox to include ___"

Now can you now see how utterly stupid and idiotic people are when they say: "Well, because I think OtherKin is about ___ I think we should change the meaning of OtherKin to include ___"?

And, no, OtherKin is not the thing where, you wake up one morning and feel like wearing a cat ears headband, so that therefore makes you a cat.

The problem with OtherKin is there is far too much misinformation out there about what OtherKin is, written largely by know-nothing 10 year old children who couldn't tell their ass from a hole in the ground, and think that because they want to wear a headband with cat ears, that gives them to authority to rewrite the definition of medical illnesses.

OtherKin is a mental disorder. It's not a movement. Not a trend. Not a fad. But for some reason, in the last 20 years or so, people have thought it "cool" to "be OtherKin" so, they jumped on a bandwagon to try to be something that they really had no idea what it actually was.

Today, because, thanks to Tumblr and Instagram, OtherKin is now interchangeable with Furries and CosPlay, the OFFICIAL diagnosis of the Mental Illness as listed in the Journal of Psychiatry has been changed from OtherKin to Species Dysphoria, to definasciate from the the actual mental illness of not believing one is Human and the current fad trend of dressing up roleplaying.

People who say I started a movement or awareness groups or claim I try to bring awareness to the OtherKin movement, have no clue who or what I am and are talking out their asses. They don't know me. They do not speak for me. And they certainly don't understand me or how I live my life.

What's your thought on fictionkin? Do you think fictionkin is valid? I'm just a bit curious to know. Personally I think it's really neat! Is that what you do?

No.

I am not FictionKin.

I am EelKin turned ElfKin, according to people who believe in Kinship.

I don't move in OtherKin circles, groups, or communities. 

I am considered the "first" or "original" OtherKin, by many in the "OtherKin community" and I hate it, because I have never identified as OtherKin and deeply dislike labels being slapped onto me by vile Humans who try translate what they think I am.

What are labels? A label is simply a way to point at someone and say: "they are not Human enough to be accepted in society". That's all any label is.

And that is all any Human has ever done to me. Label me as this, label me as that.

Never once has ANY Human, ever thought to look at me as another Human, as another member of society, as a potential friend.

Because I am technically "the first" OtherKin, seeing how I was the patient in question, when the team of Social Workers, Psychologists, and Psychiatrists coined the term. I am a patient who was undiagnosable and had "something new", and "OtherKin" was the working title. But because I am technically "the first" OtherKin, I am constantly being contacted by founders, creators, and moderators of groups, forums, subreddits, Discords, FaceBook groups, and other various assorted online communities. I don't know why. I think they see me as a "celebrity" in terms of OtherKin. I'm supposedly the "ideal OtherKin" whom others try to be like.

But... I'm not trying to "be" anything. I don't even call myself OtherKin or ElfKin or EelKin or UnicornKin or CatKin or FoxKin, all of those being types of Kins that people has used to describe me.

I accept the invites and then never post in their communities or groups, because I find myself incredibly uncomfortable around most people who call themselves "OtherKin", because 99.9% of the ones I've encountered are very clearly teenagers and young kids in their 20s who are just trying to be part of a club. They don't actually have post traumatic stress disorder, they know nothing about child abuse or rape, or witnessing multiple murders, or trying to cope with being raised in a cage from the age of 8 years old to 31 years old while also being raised to believe you were a demo, because the adults in your life had schizophrenia and couldn't tell the difference between children and demons. They don't know what it is like to be 31 years old the first time any one ever suggested to you that you might actually be a human, and everything the adults taught you about your lack of Humanity was a lie.

When I accept the invites to join these groups, I go there, hoping to find others like myself, who were never Human, not once from their time of birth. I go there hoping to find others like myself, who were rejected by Humans from the day they were born. But all I ever find are happy go lucky juvenile delinquents rebelling by wearing cat-ear headbands while licking milk out of a bowl.  They ENJOY pretending to be animals. They have fun, partying in their fur tails. They have no trauma. They know nothing about OtherKin and it's origins. What OtherKin is or how the word got coined.

The bulk of them are just a group of kids looking for a party where they can dress up in costumes. Only this and nothing more. And that is not OtherKin. Not even close.

Now, that is not to say there is anything wrong with what you are, no matter what you are or how you identify. Your identity is certainly valid and should be acknowledged. I'm not saying it's invalid or should be pushed aside or ignored. What I'm saying is, chances are very high that what you are classifying as OtherKin, is not in fact OtherKin.

That's the problem with online OtherKin communities. They spread far too much misinformation and leave actual, correct information spread far too thin and this leads to a lot of confusion.

The thing is I AM the ACTUAL MEDICAL, psychiatric definition of OtherKin, and it's incredibly rare to the point that fewer then 100 people have ever, EVER been diagnosed with it EVER. Fewer then 100 people in all of the millions of years of this Earth having existed. That's not many people.

And yet, there are MILLIONS of OtherKin, so called, self proclaimed OtherKin just on Tumblr, and not a one of them has a clue what OtherKin even is and that's painfully obvious.

The problem with the invites to join these groups, is I'm not what they think I am. They expect me to be a roleplaying party animal like them and I'm not.

And the fact remains - I hate Humans, and they are just Humans dressed like cats and dogs. 

Let me repeat this: I HATE HUMANS.

I WISH HUMANS WOULD DIE. ALL OF THEM. I HATE THEM.

And you want me to join your little group of pretenders? I hate every one of you and you think ha-ha oh she's being in character. 

No.

I really do hate Humans.

No Human has EVER given me a reason to think otherwise.

No Human has ever been my friend.

Not one.

Not Ever.

None.

Every Human I have ever met, pretends to be my friend for a few days, then they turn into cruel, hateful, backstabbing bastards.

Humans are incapable of love, friendship, compasion, sympathy.

Humans are evil.

Humans are cruel.

Humans are sadistic.

Humans enjoy hurting others.

Humans are hateful creatures who do nothing hurt everyone in their path.

And if you don't understand THAT, well, Honey, then you CERTAINLY Are NOT OtherKin.

OtherKin is not about your spiritual awakening, your identification with an animal guide... OtherKin is the hatred of Humans, on levels so extreme, that wish all Humans would die.

OtherKin is about you NOT being Human and seperating yourself from Humans because Humans are pieces of shit.

Humans can not be trusted.

Never turn your back on a Human.

Humans lie.

Humans cheat.

Humans steal.

Humans murder.

Humans torture.

There is NOTHING good in a Human.

And if you are ACTUAL, REAL, MEDICALLY DIAGNOSED as OtherKin, then I don't need to tell you that, because you already know evil Humans are.

Humans exist to kill, steal, and destroy. Only this and nothing more. There is nothing else in Humanity.

And the online OtherKin Communities who send me invites to join them.... I've yet to encounter one, single, solitary, actual, real, medically diagnosed OtherKin in any of them. And I've checked them all, and encountered well over a million people who claim to be OtherKin.

I go there are look, in hopes that one day, i will find someone, like myself, who is not Human and has never been accepted by Humans. But there is no one like me. Not surprising, seeing how in all the milinia of the Earth, fewer then 100 people have ever been diagnosed.

 And the online OtherKin Communities who send me invites to join them....They do what everyone does and start rumors about me, gossiping among themselves about what they THINK I am, and they build up fanfiction, fantasy worlds about me, that have no basis in reality. They hyped up and excited, fall in love with the fictional version of me that they created in their heads, and then find themselves deeply disapointed when they actually talk to me for the first time and find out that 100% of everything they liked about me, was just fiction made up them, themselves.

Labels. They label me into a group and they love the IDEA of me as that label in that group, but then, meeting me shatters their fantasies about me, when they realize, I'm not what they told themselves I was.

That's the problem with OtherKin and people who call me OtherKin.

You see, they think I'm joking when I say I hate Humans, but I could show you a copy of my psychological evaluation, and the entire section, where the psychiatrist worried about my server homicidal desire to kill all Humans.

I'm not joking when I tell you, that if you act even remotely Human in my presence, I will pull a brick out of my tote bag and smash your jaw in. I've done it many times.  

My psychological evaluation, has a full section, of worries that I show no empathy for Humans on any level what so ever, to the point of extreme Sociopathy. Yes, that's a word in my evaluation.

Far too many people look at my being the original "OtherKin" patient, and don't read the full report. They giddy with joy, thinking I'm play acting, role playing, pretending. I'm not. I don't joke. I never joke. Do you know why? I'll tell you why.

My uncles, while beating me in the face with a shovel when I was 8, or breaking my jaw with a cinder block brick when I was 14, or stabbing my arms with forks when I was 4, or driving a 2 foot long foundation nail through my hip leaving me crippled ever since I was 6 years old, or cutting the bottoms of my feet with rusted saw blades when I was 13.... or any of the hundreds of similar things they did.... while they did it, they always said the same thing: "It's just a joke, hahahahahahahaha!", "I'm only joking, hahahahahahaha!"

I have scars all over my body.... scars from wounds that bled for days. Wounds that should have been seen by a doctor. Wounds, that they filled with maggots, because they kept maggots in jars for that reason.

Do you know what it feels like to have you hands chained to cinder blocks, and forks driven into your arms with a hammer, that drove the tines in all the way to the bone,  another fork put in, the wound torn open, and maggots poured in, as the adults around you laughed and slapped each other on the back over the good fun joke they were doing, because, the 5 year old girl they are torturing, is not Human, so it doesn't matter, because she's just a changeling left behind by Demons who took the real child. Have you ever watched maggots crawl under your skin then chew their way back out. And finally pass out hours later, and be left there unconscious for days in pools of your own blood. And when you wake up, the adults are disapointed, that you, the Demon Changeling is still alive.

That's what I grew up with.

I was 31 years old when the FBI raid rescued me.

My entire first 31 years of life, was spent being daily tortured, daily told it was okay, because I wasn't Human anyways.

The end result is the only thing in my mind that is more evil then rape and murder, is a joke.

And you'll find out how fast I beat you to a pulp if you dare say word joke in my presence. A joke is the only thing more triggering to me than rape.

Still think you are OtherKin or you know anything about me and my life, how much I hate Humans, or the fact that OtherKin was a term created by Psychiatrists, as a working title to diagnose me, the child who survived "the world child abuse case in American history"?

Yeah. the "OtherKin Community" has a vastly warped view of who I am, and why I'm the way I am.

When you ask me questions about OtherKin and CosPlay and RolePlay... and worse, when you try to sexualize anything about me or make mems about me and say you are just joking... you just make me hate Humans even more. Because you can call yourself OtherKin all you want, but you, running around playing and joking and laughing and smiling, you forget, I don't do any of those things. 

Jokes. Laughing. Smiling..... I see those things as a threat and a reason to fight back. And clearly the OtherKin Community knows nothing of trauma, torture, and abuse at the hands of Humans.

OtherKin, it's ACTUAL Journal of Psychiatry definition, is very simply: The belief that one is not Human and is something other than Human. That's what OtherKin means.

If you believe something, you have no doubts, so you would never ask "Am I OtherKin?".

I have yet to find an OtherKin on any online community, who TRULY BELIEVED they were not Human. They will tell you they feel connected, they say they no longer want to be Human. Most acknowledge themselves as the spirit of a non-Human living in a Human body.

Answer me this... how can you stop being Human if you don't believe you are Human? Only someone who believes they are Human would say they want to stop being Human.

They build character sheets, detailing the backstory of their alternate being. But if the being IS YOU, then your life, your childhood, your experiance ARE your backstory. If you had to write a character backstory, you are not OtherKin, you are Multiple Personality Disorder or Dissociative Identity Disorder.

OtherKin you are YOU. You are just not Human and not accepted by Humans as Human. You live with Humans and your experiences with them, are very simply the experiences you have every day, and you don't need to sit down and write a backstory. There is no backstory in OtherKin.

Me? I wouldn't know the first thing about feeling Human, because I never was Human. I never had a transition. I never shifted. I never felt the need to STOP being Human, because there was never a point from the day I was born, when anyone ever acknowledge me as being Human.

But, let's answer your question. My email inbox is so full of so many OtherKin questions. Someday I'll get around to answering them. Let's start with your's.

When you ask me about what type of OtherKin I am, it is immediately clear that you know nothing about me, my history, or the history of the origins of the word OtherKin.

The first known group of OtherKin was ElfKin and was The Silver Elves, and the group still exists. They were founded in 1978. I joined them in 1987. I did not remain Silver Elf, as I found more of a connection to Elves in general, and they were a bit more "religion focused" (like they wanted people to obey their set of rules and such, with was too restrictive for me and contrary to how I felt Eves were). Because of the connection to spiritual teachings, in America The Silver Elves are considered a "legally recognized religion" by the Federal government (same as Catholic, Wicca, Baptist, LDS/Mormon, Voodoo, etc are considered as such). They are really connected to the spiritual and religious side of OtherKin and I liked that a lot.

The term OtherKin, was coined in 1997 by a group of Social Workers, Psychologists, and Psychiatrists and was the working title of the mental illness that would eventually become known as Species Dysphoria.

So calling groups like The Silver Elves "OtherKin" is questionable at best, but they are considered by most "OtherKin" to be the first "OtherKin Group", even though their compound was founded in 1978 and the term OtherKin was coined in 1997.

Being older (elderly) and an ElfKin for 40+ years now, I've seen the OtherKin movement evolve and change a lot. There is always something in it that makes me go: "What the f...?" 

But there is never a point when I think: "They are not valid because of ____." 

It's always just a reaction of more: "Wow! Boy do they have a completely different take on OtherKin than what I've always thought it was." 

And then after I think about it I'm: "Yeah, yeah, I can see how they feel that way. Yep, that makes sense."

I think, because I'm a lot older, and got into it via The Silver Elves originally, I end up taking a very spiritual/religious outlook on it, where I see Elves sort of as my "spirit animals" so to speak... and it seems like, more recently, especially in teens and 20s age group, their take on OtherKin is more, like Dissociative Identity Disorder, like they actually believe they REALLY ARE an Elf or Wolf or whatever. 

The first time I heard of the new form of OtherKin, the "I'm not a Human, I'm a Dog" type, my mind was: "Wow! That's crazy!" You see, I look at OtherKin as "I'm channeling the spiritual energy of the Dog, not, I literally become a Dog because I don't want to be Human any more." So, at first, I just had a hard time wrapping my mind around the new "Tumblr style" OtherKin. But then, the more I thought about it, the more I realized, no, it's not crazy, because they are doing the same thing I'm ding, they are just doing it differently.

I mean, I use guided meditations and visualizations and oracle cards to connect with the spirit world and it's energy, and for me, connecting to Elf energy and Unicorn energy and ArchAngel energy has always been the best/easiest way for me to do that. And in guided meditation, you often focus on mentally becoming the Elf or Fox or Raven or whatever your spirit guide is, and so yeah, thinking of it that way, suddenly the new style of OtherKin didn't seem crazy to me anymore and I realized, they are just like me, only different.

And then I heard of FictionKin and I was like mind blown. I was like: "OMG, you don't really believe you actually ARE Harry Potter, do you?"

But then almost immediately I was reminded how many times people said to me: "OMG, you don't really believe you actually ARE Lord Sesshomaru, do you?" because I "CosPlayed" him for 9 years... not to conventions, no, I dressed like him 24/7/365 every day for 9 years, around the house, to go shopping, just all day, every day.

People interviewing me about that back in 2005 and 2007 is one of the early things that brought OtherKin to the internet. When people asked why, if I thought I was him, I would say: "No. I'm channeling his energy. I feel more connected to his energy when I dress like him. I'm not trying to be him."

And then I did the same thing with Quaraun for 7 years. And for the past 3 years I've done the same thing with Avallac'h. And yeah, these are fictional characters. Which, I guess, maybe, would cause other people to see me as FictionKin? But they are all Elves, and I am ElfKin and I'm not trying to be or become the Elf in question, rather I feel better able to connect to spiritual Elf energy, when I dress like a fictional Elf from a novel. It's more like I borrowed the Elf's clothes and just wear them.

It's like weighted blankets. They protect you and help you sleep. Same thing. I have PTSD, OCD, Kanner's Syndrome, and Agoraphobia. The longest I have gone without setting foot outside of the house was 15 years.

I was horribly abused by my uncles and several of their male friends from their church as a child and as a result, I developed a crippling fear of Humans in general and Men in particular, and than, as an adult, years later, I was raped and that brought back all the mental trauma memories of what my uncles did, and I don't know what happened, but my mind was just mentally crippled after that, to the point that I locked myself in my room and did not leave it for 15 years.

2006, I went outside for the first time, in 15 years, and I was only able to do so, by wearing a costume of Lord Sesshomaru. When you read the books, he's fearless. He can walk through crowds and he doesn't care who thinks what, and if someone tries to hurt him or his friends, he would never let the attacker hurt them. He's fiercely protective of Rin, the Human girl who travels with him. He has a fearless energy to him. Very powerful fearless energy, and I wanted to feel that.

I wanted to be able to go outside, without being terrified men would hurt me. And I tried for weeks, months, to go outside. I'd get to the door and I'd freeze. A mental block made my body so rigid I couldn't move my feet to get out the door. My agoraphobia was that bad.

So, I started meditating, channel Lord Sesshomaru's energy. And it healed, but it didn't help enough. So I ordered fabric, fur, leather, bolt of silk from Japan, from eBay and Amazon, and I made what went down in history as both the most expensive and most insanely elaborate Lord Sesshomaru CosPlay ever made. And, when I put it on, I was able to walk outside of my house for the first time in 15 years. 

It was like, before I channeling his energy, but now, he was there with me. It's the only way I know how to explain it.

I still have severe agoraphobia today. But since 2006, I can go outside, IF, I dress up like an Elf. The stronger the Elf the better. A powerful protecting spirit.

That's why I now CosPlay Avallac'h. There's no one, more protective then he is. It's what he's known for. His fierce protectiveness of Ciri, the Human girl who travels with him is beyond Lord Sesshomaru's protectiveness of Rin. He won't let anyone hurt her. He'll die to to keep her safe. So I retired the Lord Sesshomaru CosPlay and made the Avallac'h CosPlay, my new protecting spirit. An Elf, but also, a Fictional Character.

He's not real. I'm aware he's not real. But that doesn't change the fact that I can draw on his fierce protective energy, to be able to go outside, go shopping, not have to buy everything online or have others buy things for me and deliver it. I can do it myself, dressed like an Elf, but at least I'm outside.

The fact remains, there's never been a real man in my life who DID NOT hurt me. I grew up with drug dealers. Real life gangsters. They killed people. Throughout my childhood and teen years I had witness multiple murders, Brutal. Violent. I was beaten and locked in cages. I watched them kill people, then turn around and threaten to kill me if I ever told anyone.

Today most of them are dead, in prison, or on the run from the FBI. There was never a time in my life when I felt safe, and around men, I felt less safe. There has never been anyone there for me. No mental support. No emotional support. No one to protect me from the men I grew up with, or the gangs they had shot outs with.

I would read books, while hiding under a blanket to try to blockout the screaming and yelling and gun fire. None of the children were allowed to go to school or doctors. We lived on a farm, in the forest, miles from the nearest anything, fenced in and guarded by riflemen. No one had birth certificates or SSNs. No paper trail. No adults outside the clan to turn to for help. I would read books, while hiding under a blanket and praying for someone to please help me. It was none stop terror every day, all day, my entire childhood. Fictional men in books, where my only friends. I was drawn to men who protected children, especially men who protected little girls.

Lord Sesshomaru protected Rin, an 8 year old girl.

Avallac'h protected Ciri, a 12 year old girl.

That's why I was drawn to them. They are strong men who protect little girls from evil men. 

This is also why I take such a very strong and heavy offense to anyone trying to sexualize my kinship to either Lord Sesshomaru or Avallac'h.

My attraction to them is not sexual and I do not like people trying to translate it that way.

I see them, more along the lines of ArchAngels. Protectors. Someone you can look to to always be there for you. Someone who will never hurt you. Someone who will keep you safe.

Nothing will make you my enemy faster than you trying to sexualze me, my life, or anything I do. I am asexual, on an extreme anti-sex level. I have an extreme hatred for sex. And if you try to sexualize me or anything I do, you will quickly find yourself branded one of my top most hated people on the planet.

But, yeah, I am myself ElfKin, but you can see why I find no issues with FictionKin. Also, while I tend to lurk in OtherKin communities, I don't see myself as OtherKin, because I see ElfKin and OtherKin as being 2 very different, but also very similar things.

I should also point out that I think of ElfKin and FictionKin as both separate and different from OtherKin, that they are 3 completely different things in my mind, but that none is any less valid then the other and that each of the 3 should be supportive of the other 2.

My thought is, you wouldn't be Kin to anything if you had not suffered through extreme trauma and your Kinship, is your way of coping. For is, after all, nothing more than a mental illness. The concept of Kinship, was created by a group of psychiatrists, to explain people who are not Human, but live in Human society. You can not be Kin to anything and not also be insane. That is a medical fact. And therefore, all Kin are Kin to each other through their insanity, regardless of what type of Kin they are or how they explain their Kinship.

I think of all Kinships this way. Each is distinctly different, but, all are similar enough that each should try to learn from one another and be supportive of each other.

FAQs: What is it like living with Autism?


#FAQs: What is it like living with Autism?


I have Kanner's Syndrome (ACTUAL Autism, not Aspergers), which means I'm not good at group things. I'm classified as Savant, meaning I have a few things that I obsess about, big time, and have world records in them as a result, and everything else in my life I still require a caretaker to help me with. 


I was believed to be mute until I was 31 years old, when a college professor whose day job was working with Autism children, meet me at an Autism Awareness event (I own The Autism Awareness Car, which has 2.5million marbles glued to it - took 4 years to build it). He spent several years teaching me to talk and I was able to get a GED at age 37 *(I had never been allowed to go to school as Autism in the 1970s = too retarded to be taught anything so why bother? It was assumed I couldn't be taught, so no one tried to, until I was 31 years old)*, and started college at age 42. 


Today in addition to being a rabid gamer, I'm also an artist (acrylic on canvas and watercolor on rag) sell my art in local galleries, I build art cars and installation art, published over 130 Dark Fantasy novels, and became a retail merchandiser for Macy's, WalMart, and HallMark for 16 years because I'm very good at organizing things... I can't do much else, but I can certainly make sure nothing on the sales floor is out of place. 


On Twitch I'm known for my ability to open up a video game and completely rewrite it removing and making my own... I rewrote Witcher 3, removed Geralt and Roach and the combat system, and build my own player character, made travel companions, wrote a new combat system, made new quests, made new maps... removed all the texture files and made all new ones. There's nothing in Witcher 3 that I have not rewritten. With over 4,000 mods now made for it, you can barely recognize my game as being Witcher 3 anymore.... and yet I can't read C++ code.


I spent my childhood and teen years, being told I would never amount to anything. I proved them all wrong.


People see the things I do very well *(art, writing, my exemplary organization skills in retail stores, and my ability to open up a video game and completely rewrite it and making my own)* but they often don't see past that.


Social skills are a thing I've not yet mastered, which makes streaming very difficult for me as, chat is sensory overload and I have it turned off. I also can't count, do Math, tell time, use calendars, use money, numbers are lost on me.


Basic things - bathing, eating, brushing my hair, etc - that most people have no trouble with, I have caretakers who have to help me do those thing, even though I'm 20, 30, 40 years older than my caretakers. I am VERY low-functioning, but I can write, I can paint, I disect video games, and I can organize things. I just can't do one thing else. Which is very upsetting, because I wish I could. I try too. I don't know why I can't. It's like there are a few things in my brain turned all the way up on super high and everything else is just turned off and won't come on.


And then there are issues with meltdowns, screaming fits, panic attacks, bad ones. Bad enough that I generally avoid contact with the public, simply because I'm tired of dealing with the police. Someone my age, screaming on the floor, people assume I'm on drugs and call the police. It's very frustrating, because I can not control these attacks and I can't stop them once they start.  


It is extremely distressing, I'm insanely good at a few things, but everything else, things most of society doesn't bat an eye at, I can't do them, no matter how hard I try. And I'm not capable of "acting properly" or "behaving in socially acceptable ways".


Most people when they meet me in real life, they are very taken back, by how extremely disabled I am. Fans of my novels, meet me at book signings and ask: "So, what's the joke, what's this retard doing here, where's the author?" 


They refuse to believe, someone as deeply retarded as me, is capable of writing novels. It hurts a lot, people's reactions to meeting me and them finding out the reality of what ACTUAL Autism, Kanner's Syndrome, is really like... and that it's NOTHING like Asperger's, with it's "cute Sheldon Cooper quirks" that they are used to and think of as being Autism. 


They forget, people with Asperger's can live normal lives, they can pass for normal in public if they have too, they get married and have families, and I'm not capable of living on my own or without caretakers, and I never will be. 




I wish more people knew the difference between Aspergers and Autism, and how vastly different they are from each other. 


Far too many people hear that I have Autism, and they automatically assume I have Aspergers, and then they meet me in person, and are shocked, horrified, and they tell me they've meet dozens, sometimes hundreds of Aspies, and when they meet me, they say, they realize, they've NEVER seen Autism before, in spite of all the hundreds of Aspies they've met, and then they tell me, they wish they had known, they wished someone had told them, how starkly different Autism is from Aspergers, because they always say, no matter how many Aspies they worked with, it never prepared them to come face to face with ACTUAL REAL Autism, Kanner's Syndrome, for the first time. 


The problem is these people are also used to interacting with people who 90% of the time are self diagnosed... which is why when they encounter me... **SOMEONE WITH AN ACTUAL MEDICAL DIAGNOSIS**... they are so surprised at how vastly different "MY" Autism is from the so-called "Autism" they are used to encountering with the fake ass self diagnosed Aspies who wouldn't know Autism if it hit them in the face! I hate it when people with “self diagnosed disabilities” talk about how hard being a part of the neurodivergent community is. 


What the fuck? 


What neurodivergent community? 


That's NOT even a thing! 


We who have **ACTUAL REAL MEDICALY DIAGNOSED DISABILITIES AREN'T A PART OF SOME FUCKING CUTSY COMMUNITY! WE HAVE AN ACTUAL MEDICAL DISEASE THAT SERIOUSLY HAMPERS OUR EVERY DAY EXISTANCE! THIS ISN'T SOME CLUB YOU CAN JOIN!**


**MY** Autism is so vastly different from the hundreds of other so-called "Autistics" they are used to, **because MY Autism is FUCKING REAL and not some stupid ass fako with a self diagnosis because they want to be different!**





Also there is **NO SUCH THING AS A SELF-DIAGNOSED AUTISTIC!**


Read the fucking medical journals and kick the damn anti-vacer mommy blogger out the window. They don't know shit. 


In **EVERY DOCUMENTED CASE** of a self-diagnosed Autistic going to a doctor and getting **ACTUALLY DIAGNOSED**, their real diagnosis ALWAYS comes back as one of 2 things:


* Schizophrenia


* Narcissism


#HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF SELF-DIAGNOSED AUTISTICS, WHEN THEY FINALLY RECIEVED AN ACTUAL MEDICAL DIAGNOSIS FROM A DOCTOR.... WHERE DIAGNOSED WITH PARINOID GRANDOSE SCHIZOPHRENIA!!!


Think about that.


Think about it, long and hard.


Look up the symptoms of Schizophrenia, then turn around and take a good long look at the actions of the millions of fake ass self diagnosed "autistics" you've encountered online and offline... do you see it now?


Ain't a damned one of those self-diagnosed Aspies who have Autism... they have fucking schizophrenia.


Think about it... scared to go to doctors, paranoid of doctors, so they self-diagnoses, because they have too many paranoid ideas about doctors and vaccinations to go to a doctor.


What are the primary symptoms of schizophrenia?


* Fear of rational, harmless things such as doctors, dentists, and vaccinations


* Social awkwardness, social anxiety, fear of crowds, but has a conflicting desire to be a part of a social group and will go to great extremes to become a part of that group


* Imitation and impersonation, including hypochondria, and pretending to have illnesses that are deemed as popular or cool or trendy


* Self diagnosing themselves as having popular disease to try to fit in with a crowd or social group, in an attempt to gain attention or be more popular


* Seeing themselves as superior to others based on the hypochondriac illnesses they self diagnosed themselves as having


* Pretends to be things they are not, including to pretend to have illnesses that they deem as superior



**A Schizophrenic is scared of everything. **


* They trust no one.


* They see and notice everything going on around them and are terrified of every little sight, sound, or smell. 


* Everything is seen as a threat. 


* Fear rules their lives. 


* They are suspicious of everything and every one and feel an overbearing need to flee from everything.


* They see authority figures such as police, political leaders, or big business owners as "the enemy" and believe those authority figures are always out to get them.


* Paranoia governs their actions. 


* They believe conspiracy theories, think the Illuminati is real, believe aliens are going to abduct them, think the government put mind control drugs in flouride, believe in demon possession, and other such crazy ideas.


* They can do nothing without first thinking out in great detail, every possible outcome, and every possible path they must take to avoid the most fearful of those outcomes. 


* They will frequently avoid doing things they desire to do, out of irrational fears they create about those things. They spend much of their life regretting not trying new things, attending events, or joining others in activities.


* They focus heavily on what others think about them, and will often wear dull, drab, but very conforming to local society, styles of clothing. If every one in their town wears Ts and jeans, they wear Ts and jeans; if everyone wears business suits, they wear business suits... they are terrified to be unique or original, scared of being judged by others, scared of not fitting in with the crowd, and will go overboard in trying to blend in with the local "in crowd".


* They walk quickly, but dutifully. Staying on sidewalks. Always nervously looking around them. Paying careful notice of everyone they see, looking at all strangers with suspicion, suspecting everyone of carrying a gun or knife or being a potential mugger.


* They have trouble making friends because they spend too much time imagining that potential friends will hurt the, so avoid contact with people, due to the conspiracies they build. Their social anxiety is built up by their own irrational fears of everyone around them.


* Because they are so terrified or everything, they fear going to doctors, mostly because they believe doctors, like police and presidents, are part of groups such as the Illuminati, and instead seek out shady conspiracy theorist websites to use to self-diagnoses themselves whenever they find a trendy popular illness that they want to have in order to be part of a group.


* If they do go to a doctor, they are convinced the doctor gave them a false diagnosis to try to trick them, resulting in they take up the hobby of reading mommy blogs of their fellow anti-vaccer conspiracy theorists, and use those shady websites as the basis of self diagnosing themselves with something more socially acceptable than whatever the actual diagnosis their doctor gave them was.


* When someone tells them they are being paranoid, they often fall back on saying something along the lines of: they have to be paranoid because demons, aliens, ghosts, or evil spirits visit them at night and tell them the president is an evil overlord who has stationed minions in every town and the men in black are on every street corner and they must listen to the voices of the spirits in order to know who is plotting with the police against them.



Every part of the above, is a symptom a self-diagnosed Autistic proudly claims as one of their symptoms... and yet...


**A REAL Autistic is the exact opposite. They are scared of nothing.**


* They trust every one.


* They are too lost in the world that exists only inside their head to see and notice anything going on around them and are completely oblivious to the existence of every little sight, sound, or smell.  


* Everything is seen as a learning opportunity. Everything and everyone MUST be studied to see "what makes them tick". They want to know everything there is to know about everything.


* Logic rules their lives. 


* They are curious about everything and every one and feel an overbearing need to study everything.


* They love rules. They see authority figures such as police, political leaders, or big business owners as the greatest people on the planet and believe those authority figures are always doing good and going to help them.


* Fascination and curiosity governs their actions. 


* Eternal skeptics, they will not believe ANYTHING unless you can provide hundreds of documented studies by highly regarded authority figures in leadership positions, and as such they DO NOT believe conspiracy theories, think the Illuminati is a hoax, believe aliens could be real but still require proof, think the government is great because it makes laws to protect them, believes demons are a figment of paranoid imaginations, and think other such crazy ideas are likewise only believed by crazy people.


* They often run into their activities without first thinking out in great detail, and thus are quick to take up things like bungee jumping, mountain climbing, scaling brick smoke stacks, or climbing to the tops of tall trees without any gear, safety nets, or other devices, simply climbing up bare hands and bare feet. They are often seen as careless or daredevils because of their total lack of fear of heights or trying new things. 


* They will NEVER avoid doing things they desire to do, and thus will paint huge murals on cars, buses, or the side of houses, on a whim with no planning aheads of time. They will go out on a limb to try new things. If they feel like dressing up as a fairy with sparkly wings and dancing in the city park's water fountain while tossing pennies to strangers... then they will do exactly that without caring what by passers think of them doing it.


* They do not care what others think about them, and will often wear outlandish clothing, with no thought at all of how society might react to how bizarre they are dressed. They are often see as "hippies" or "free spirited" or "no conformists" or "eccentric" due to how extremely unlike the rest of society they dress. CosPlaying, OtherKin, or dressing like Disney Princesses are common every day outfits for Autistics, even into adulthood.


* They prance and dance, skip and hop, jump over cracks, twirl on their toes, stray of the path, often enter the road or stray onto lawns, finding it difficult to be constrained to sidewalks. They find it difficult to walk and may burst into a sprint and run far ahead of the group if forced to walk too long, they need adult supervision in public places, even as adults, because they are prone to burst into a run, including to run into the road into oncoming traffic, without any fear of the cars on the highway, indeed, they are so lost in the fairy filled world in their head, that they do not even see the road or the cars and only see the fairies they are dancing with.


* They have trouble making friends because most people are too terrified of their seemingly "extremely extroverted" personality. Their outfits, hyper extreme activities, and free spirited prancing and dancing instead of walking often brands them as "crazy" or "insane" or ironically "schizoid", even though schizophrenia is completely the opposite.


* Because they are too busy having fun dancing in water fountains with the fairies only they can see, they often forget to do things like eat or sleep, and require adult supervision, even if they themselves are an adult, to remind them to stop dancing with fairies long enough to eat and sleep. This also contributes to them rarely going to doctors and requiring a caretaker to set up doctor appointments and drive them to the doctor. 


* They are prone to ignoring their illnesses, pain, and diseases because every day of their life is so painful as it is, they find it better to focus on pretty things, bright colours, reading comic books, playing video games, or doing other such things to put their minds in a self-hypnotic-meditative state so they can ignore the pain. 


* They feel no need to try to self-diagnose themselves, because it is pointless to bother at this point, because they've lived with searing pain every day since they were born and now they are used to the pain and use dressing in pink gowns, dancing in water fountains, painting cars, reading comics, and playing video games as coping mechanises to try to find something other than their every day pain and suffering to focus on.


* Because they suffer so many skin pains, allergies, gastrointestinal pains, sensory pains, and their doctor helps to take those pains away, they view their doctor as one of their most trusted friends and can be extremely upset, becoming depressed if their doctor retires or moves and they must start going to a new doctor. 


Now, here is one final thought on the comparisons between Autism and Schizophrenia.


Pay careful attention here.


Because this part, will be very telling, of just exactly how much, you, a self-diagnosed Aspie, REALLY knows about Autism.


Did you know, that up until 1982, ALL children and adults, upon recieving a diagnosis of Autism, the law, in America and most of Europe, REQUIRED that patient to be immediatly straight jacketed, removed from their home, and locked in solitary confinment is a government run insane asylum/mental instatute.


Do you why that changed in 1982?


You know SO MUCH about Autism, that you feel you qualify to self diagnoses yourself, so you should know the answer to this, shouldn't you? I mean, you DID self-diagnose yourself as Autistic, didn't you?


Did you ever read a medical joural?


How about the official guide to psychiatrics? You know the one, that giant 3,000 page book all 12 of the world's Autism doctors are required to have read and memorized, before they could graduate and their Ph.D ... M.D. ... in Psychiatric medicide.


That book, the one which lists all the symptoms of:


* Kannar's Syndrome (a.k.a. Autism)


AND


* Asperger's Syndrome (a.k.a. Childhood Schizophrenia)


I don't suppose while you were reading that book, to self diagnose yourself, that you noticed WHERE you had to look for both those psychosis, did you?


You would have found BOTH of them under the heading: Schizophrenia and Schizotyaple Disorders.


YES, when you run around saying:


* "I'm a proud self-diagnosed Aspie! I have Autism, YAY!"


What you are saying to EVERYONE in the medical field, who knows what Aspergers and Autism are:


* "I'm a proud self-diagnosed Psycho! I have Schizophrenia, YAY!"


Sadly, 99.9% od all self diagnosed Aspies, are fully and completly unaware that Asperger's was known as Childrenhood Schizophrenia, up until 1982, when it was decided to merge the 2 listings into one, and use the "less stygmaed" name of Asperger's instead of the more stygmaed, Childhood Schizophrenia. And THUS HOW AND WHY Asperger's sudden became known as "a type of Autism", because Autism, since it's begin 200 years ago, was ALWAYS classified as "a type of Schizophrenia". 


* Schizophrenia's primary #1 symptom, the symptom it is most known for: "voices in your head" aka "imaginary friends" aka "they talk to demons" or "demons talk to them".


* Autism's primary #1 symptom, the symptom it is most known for: "voices in your head" aka "imaginary friends" aka "they talk to fairies" or "fairies talk to them".


* Asperger's primary #1 symptom, the symptom it is most known for: "voices in your head" aka "imaginary friends" aka "they talk to comic book characters" or "comic book characters talk to them".


Still want to call yourself Autistic or a self-diagnosed Aspie?


Aspergers and Autism, STILL what you thought they were?


Have I ever mentioned Etiole... and... oh look, hey, have you seen my Twitch profile yet? Noticed anything "unusual"... like maybe Avallac'h?


Take a step back, and really, really, REALLY do some REAL, ACTUAL, MEDICAL research into Aspergers and Autism... stop reading mommy bloggers and their anti-vacination conspiracies, and get to know what Asperger's and Autism REALLY are, and what it's like to live with either one of them... because it's NOT fun.


#AUTISM IS A COMPLETE NIGHTMARE TO LIVE WITH!


We who actually HAVE Autism, we ain't running around calling ourselves "proud autistics", because we Auttism is nothing to be proud of. We know, because struggle with it every day of our lives.


And while you self-diagnosed Aspies, get to toss YOUR "autism" aside when get bored with The Big Bang Theory's Sheldon Cooper, and become a fan of something else... we REAL Autistics don't have that luxery. We can't toss Autism aside, because it doesn't come and go when we feel like being "autistic" to be cool and part of the Sheldon Cooper fan club. 


And tell me WHY do you self-diagnosed Aspeies think being Autistic is so "cool"?


Have you SEEN how the media portraies Schizophrenia? Ax murderers. Psycho killers. Gibbering lunatics straight jacketed in an asylum. 


You do realize that MOST of society sees Autistics and Aspies as **EXACTLY WHAT THEY ARE**: a sub group of schizophrenics.


So, tell me WHY, you self-diagnosed Aspies, think **THAT** is "cool?


Have you ever noticed that in recent years, the word "autism" has become used on the internet as a slur?


n Twitter and Reddit you see "autism" used interchangably with "retard" and "schitzoid", and those "proud autistic moms" and "proud self-diagnosed Aspies" get so pissed off because of it, but why? They are NOT wrong. 


#Autism IS a form of mental retardation, so, yes, you ARE retarded if you have Autism.


You didn't think about that when you self-diagnosed yourself did you?



#Autism IS a form of Schizophrenia, so, yes, you ARE a scitzoid if you have Autism.


But poor you, you proud self-diagnosed Aspie, you didn't do your research well enough did you, because you would have know that, if you had.


But the funny thing is... when these self-diagnosed Aspies go to a doctor to get diagnosed, they NEVER get told they have Autism or Aspergers and ALWAYS get told they have full blown Parinod Grandous Schitophrenia.


Why?


Well.... all those years of being too parinoid to go to doctors, and self-diagnosis yourself, had a lot 2 do with it, because, after "hearing voices" the other 2 primary symptoms of schizophrenia are: "irrational parinoid fear" and "hypocondrism"... lucky you. We who has Autism, only have a Schizotypical subset in the Schizophrania spectrum of psychoses, but you, with your beloved prous self-diagnosed Aspie chanting, you proved yourself a 100% blown schizoid. 


Still proud to yourself a self-diagnosed Aspie?


Still being an Aspie or an Autistic is a badge of honor, that'll make society love and accept you?


Honey, there were plenty of illness out their you could have self-diagnosed yourself with to get pity from society, but ANY psychosis on the Schizotypal tree, is NOT going to amung them. So, when you run around telling people you is a proud Aspie or a proud Autistic, 90% of society is fully aware that Aspergers and Autism are BOTH forms of mental retardation with the Schizotypal Psychoses, so all you are doing is convining scoiety that you are insane and should be in a mental institute.


And the ONLY reason you are NOT in a mental institute, is because the law changed in 182, and the government is no longer REQUIRED BY LAW to straight jacket all the sub-sets of Schizophrenia anymore.


Thus why you saw a rise in more children with Aspergers and Autism in public schools in 1987, when the law declared they were allowed to go to public schools for the first time in history.


Your fear of doctors lead you to self-diagnose yourself, and you almost got it right... had you read actual medical journals instead anti-vaccer mommy bloggers, you would have gotten it right... 


#AND, you wouldn't be so proud, to say: "I'm a self-diagnosed, Aspie/Autistic!" and you realized you were actually saying "I'm a self-diagnosed, Schizophrenic!" would you?


It was your fear of doctors that lead to your self-diagnosis... perhhaps you should have started your search, by finding out what illness causes a fear of doctors?


Your fear of doctors is also what makes the self-diagnosed Aspies dramatically differant from an ACTUAL Autistic.


Autistics don't fear doctors. Autistics are not obsessed with being part of a crowd. Autistics don't feel the need to join a group. Autistics are socially DISTANT not socially awkwards... there is a difference you know.


Someone with Autism DOES NOT WANT TO BE SOCIAL... someone with self-diagnosed Asp is desperately trying to be part of a group.


While you were glorifying all the cute, fun, good time, fluffy bunny tummy feelings of Autism, and found yourself wanted to be a part of the "autism club group"... did you also, look up the bad side of Autism? The negative symptoms? The one's that ain't fun or cute or fill your tummy with fluffy bunnies?


No?


You forgot to look into those symptoms didn't you?


Perhaps, if you had, you would not have been so quick to self diagnose.


Being the "prize guest" at so many Auism events, I get to meet thousands of self-diagnosed Aspies every year.


The top thing, they like to say is this:


#"I know I have Autism, because social awkward. I always WANT to join groups and make friends, but have social amxiety, so I MUST be Autistic. That's why I self diagnosed myself."


Well, whoop dee doo, good for you.


Social anxiety is ITSELF it's own, seperate disorder... and MOST who have REAL Autism, don't have it as a symptom.


Soooo, if you have social anxiety, changes are VERY high that you don't have Autism.


Why?


Well, we REAL Autistics, usually are having too much fun with our "imaginary friends"... hey, look, Avallac'h, he's all over my profie for a reason you know... we REAL Autistics, usually are having too much fun with our "imaginary friends" to have any want, need, or desire for social activities or real friends who are real people.


We REAL Autistics, like our "imaginary friends" much, much MORE then we like real people. In fact, in most cases,  we REAL Autistics also have a deep set HATRED for real people.


We REAL Autistics, Do NOT WANT to be part of a group. 


We REAL Autistics, we are not seeking to join a club and hang out with others.


We REAL Autistics, Do NOT WANT to be take part in community activities. 


We REAL Autistics, we don't like people and we don't WANT to be a part of your world.


We REAL Autistics, we don't NEED social interaction with people and we don't WANT to be a part of your world, BECAUSE we have a vastly huge world in our heads, and it's a better world than your real world, and we don't like it when you real people interupt us and pull us out of the world that lives in our heads.


We REAL Autistics, have no desire, ZERO, none at all, to take part in social activities... and THAT is why social anxiety is very, very, very rare to almost none-existant in REAL Autism.


So, when you diagnosed Aspies say:


#"I know I have Autism, because social awkward. I always WANT to join groups and make friends, but have social amxiety, so I MUST be Autistic. That's why I self diagnosed myself."


You've missed the mark big time, and you don't have a fucking clue what Autism is.



Someone with Autism will hiss, growl, shriek, scream, bite, kick, scratch your eyes out if you try to force them into a crowd of people. Someone with self-diagnosed Asp is going to stand their awkwardly and wait to be asked to join the group, when you push them into a crowd.


Yes... you **CAN** see the **HUGE** amounts of vast difference between **REAL, ACTUAL, AUTISM** and the fake ass wannabes with a self diagnosis. And those differences are miles apart from each other.


#THERE HAS NEVER BEEN A CASE OF A SELF-DIAGNOSED AUTISTIC SUCCESSFULLY BEING MEDICALLY DIAGNOSED WITH AUTISM!


And **THAT** is why so many hundreds of people meet me at conventions and say: *"I've worked with hundreds of Autistics over the years and I've never seen anyone with anything like you have before."*


I always ask them: *"Where they self diagnosed or did they have actual medical records proving they had Autism?"*


And the answer is **ALWAYS**: *"Well, it's so hard to get a diagnosis, only 12 psychiatrists in the world are qualified to diagnosis Autism, so they **HAD** to self diagnose themselves. They were all proud self-diagnosed Aspies. Just like me! I'm Autistic too, but, wow are you nothing like me. Are you sure you have Autism? I'm not like you at all and I know I diagnosed myself correctly, because I'm just like Sheldon Cooper and I've watched every episode of Big Bang Theory, so I know I have Autism, just like my hero Sheldon Cooper does."*


I get so sick and tired of jackass Autism-wanna-bes, who call themselves Autistic just because they think it's "cool".


Can you wipe your own ass when you take a shit? If so, you probably don't have Autism.


Are you in your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s+ and can live on your own without 24 hour adult supervision? Hey, well, guess what **YOU DO NOT HAVE AUTISM! SO STOP FUKING PRETENDING YOU DO!**


Someone with REAL Autism, will go total psycho on your ass, when you try to force them to interact with others... they will act like a wild rabid animal, tear your skin off your faces, bite chunks of flesh out of your arm, you WILL be seriously injured, and **YOU WILL NEED HOSPITALIZATION FOR YOUR MASSIVE INJURIES**. 


Never underestimate the extreme levels of violence, hostility, and animalistic strength an Autistic possesses when upset.


#THERE IS A REASON MOST PARANTS OF ACTUALLY AUTISTIC CHIDLREN BELIEVE THEIR CHILD IS DEMON POSSESSED AND TAKE THEM TO PRIESTS FOR EXOSISMS!


Believe me... there is a big difference between an upset self-diagnosed aspie pouting in the corner and an upset ACTUAL autistic, breaking your bones, pulling your hair out, ripping your ears offm, and biting your fingers off.


Self diagnosed Aspies, will run and hide with you yell at them... actual real Autistics, will fight back with vicious animal ferocity, and you'll be in an ambulance on your way to get your fingers sewed back on.


There is a hell of a big difference between:


* "Oh my kid has quirks, likes comic books, and won't eat peas or green beans, he must have Autism"


and


* "Ohmigawd! My demon possessed kid just bit my fucking finger off, because I stopped him from laying his comic books out around the edge of the house in rainbow colour order!"


People focus on the "good" or "positive" symptoms of Autism... like quirks and obsessions with cartoons... but they forget, those are just the iceberg tip of Autism that you see on the surface, and MOST of Autism's symptoms are a  true nightmare, horrific, dark, and are very, very, very negative.


The fakers with their self diagnoses, prance around "look at me I got quirks!"... but ask them, about the dark side of Autism, and they'll tell you there is none. 


The fakers with their self diagnoses, will tell you Autism is all good and has no bad... but me with real Autism, I can tell you how easy it is for an 8 year old girl to rip a man's testicals off and force feed them to him... because I did it. I really don't like being touched, and like even less being raped.


The fakers with their self diagnoses, will tell you they read comic books... me with real Autism, I can quite line by line, every pages of more than 10,000 comic books.


A photographic memory, the ability to look inside your mind and see photographic images of EVERYTHING you have ever looked at EVER in your entire life, and quickly file through those photos to read from your head, books line by line... is a primary required symptoms of Autism, and if you don't have that, you don't have Autism.


The fakers with their self diagnoses, will tell you look how pretty the trees are, let's paint pictures of them... me with real Autism, I can tell you the best and fastest way to get to the top of that tree and how many days was the longest I stayed up there 130 feet off the ground.


Oh... did no one ever tell you one of the primary symptoms of Autism is climbing things like telephone poles, water towers, smokestacks, and giant old growth pine and redwood trees?


I thought you said you knew Autism well enough to diagnose yourself with having it?


The fakers with their self diagnoses, will tell you how much fun it is to be a part of the neurodiversity community, where they get to hang out with other none neural typicals... me with real Autism, I'll punch your teeth out with a brick if you try to force me into any community at all. No I'm not joking, I have Autism, I NEVER joke, I am ALWAYS dead serious, look at my uncles, most of them have no front teeth, and most of them lost their teeth before I was 12 years old. I don't like being hit in the face with a brick and my uncles always taught:


*"DO unto others as you want others to do unto you"*... meaning, they would not have broken my jaw with a brick and knocked out 17 of my teeth, unless they wanted me to return the favor and knock out their teeth with the exact same brick they used to knock out mine.


The golden rule... do unto others what you want others to do to you, in other words, I wait to see how you are going to treat me, and I will do to you EXACTLY the same thing you did to me, line by line, word by word, action by action, measure by measure, because by doing it to me, you have informed me that I MUST do it back to you, it's what you wanted me to do to you, otherwise, you would not have done it to me... do to others EXACTLY what they first did to you. So says the Golden Rule in the Bible... my uncles shouldn't have preached it, if they didn't mean it; likewise, they should not have beaten out 17 of my teeth with a brick, if they didn't want me to fight back in self defence and with that self same brick. Just because a child is 8 years old, and 5 men in their 30s are holding her down and raping her, and beating her face with a brick to stop her from crying for help, doesn't mean she ain't strong enough to tear her arm free, pull that brick from their hand, and throw it right back at them.


Did you know Autism is CAUSED by childhood rape? And that if you were NOT raped as a toddler, than it is NOT possible for you to have Autism?


I suppose that would be, yet another thing you overlooked when self-diagnosing yourself, eh?


Do you realize, when your parents say: "I'm a proud mom of an autistic child"... that what she is ACTUALLY saying is: "I'm proud the men in my life raped my toddler and gave her Autism!" 


Yeah.


I'm wondering how many "Proud Autism moms" there would be, if they ACTUALLY READ the ACTUALLY medical diagnosis guide for Autism, and found out that Autism, is a form of childhood post traumatic stress disorder, caused by childhood rape?


Did you know Autism, is a coping mechanis... a way to shut out the real world, because people are evil, mean, and hurtful, and imaginary friends don't hurt you and live in a world, where you are safe and protected, and you can ONLY be hurt if you leave there would and return to the real world... 


...and THAT is WHY Autistics, shut out the real world, ignore it completely, and have no desire, absolutely ZERO desire for social interaction.


Which is WHY it is foolish for self-diagnosed Aspies, to claim to be Autistic because of social anxiety.


We with REAL Autism, don't have social anxiety... we have 100% pure hatred for humanity and the world humans live in and our brain shut down and protects us, by blocking out the real world... that why we don't see it... why don't see cars in the road... why we need 24 hour adult supervision, even into our adulthood and elderly years... because we see the world of the Fae and we can no longer see your real world, because your real world is far too painful to see anymore.


The fakers with their self diagnoses, will tell you they could NEVER hurt anyone, it would hurt their feelings... me with real Autis, I don't give a shit about your feelings and I won't think twice about breaking your nose, arm, leg, if you hurt me, I'm going to hurt you right back. You break my nose, I will immediatly break your nose, and while you are on the ground crying in pain, I'm standing dry eyed, not sheading a tear, not making a sound, because I've been in searing pain so long, that nothing you can do will hurt me worse than I already hurt every day. You are not used to pain, so you cry and scream... me, I stopped crying decades ago, I stopped screaming decades back. I also stopped smiling... I hurt too much to smile. I've not laughed in decades, I've no reason to laugh and laughter only shakes my insides and makes the pain worse.


Common misconseption is that we with ACTUAL Autism, have no feelings... no... we have feelings, we just are in so much agonizing pain, all day, every day, that we learned to stop showing emotions... it was the only way, to learn to stop crying 24 hours a day, stop screaming with every step we take. We had to cancel out outward sings of emotions, otherwise we would never make it from one day to the next.


The agonizing pain, is so bad that we pass out several times a day, whenever the stabbing pain of pinched nerves, bloated bellies, bleeding blisters, splitting eardrums, stabbing pain in our eyes, reaches a point when we can bear it in silence no longer, and we stop breathing, our bodies shut down. And we lay unconscious on the floor for seconds, minutes, hours, sometimes days, before we wake up again.


The physical pain is the worst part of Autism.


The fakers with their self diagnoses, will tell you all their favorite foods, their likes, their dislikes, and how they are picky, finicky eaters who must have everything laid out just so... me with real Autism, I'll tell you about WHY I can not eat most foods... the bloating, the rashes, the hives, the vomiting, the diarrhea... an Autistic's strict "finicky" diet is NOT a cute little quirk like the fake ass self diagnosers say, it's a full blood gastrointestinal allergy that you can die from... the same thing that causes our synapses to misfire also causes our digestive tract to reject every food we eat like it was poison.


If that doesn't happen to you, than you don't have Autism.



The fakers with their self diagnoses, will tell you "I like to read, I'm a deep thinker and like to get lost in thought, thinking about the other worlds"... me with real Autism, I don't get lost in thought thinking about other worlds I've read about in books, I spend hours every day, in what I'm told is called "Astral projection". I don't think about those worlds, I live in them. I don't read about those characters, I interact with them. 


People have recorded this "phenomena" when it happens ... they can't wake me up. I go into a rigid catatonic state, for hours, days, some times weeks. It's almost like a coma, but my body is still functioning so I don't need life support.


When I finally come out of it and they ask where I went, my answer is always: "I went into a book to visit the characters" or "I went into the vide game, to live with the characters" or "I went into the movie, to find out what was going on in their world"


I don't just "think" about characters, I go meet them in their world... and THAT is what makes Autism, Autism, and what makes a REAL Autistic, so vastly different from the faker ass wannabes with their self diagnoses.


Doctors, can't explain catatonia and classify it as "one of the mysteries" of Autism.


#While not all catatonics have Autism... ALL Autistics ALWAYS have catatonia.


Catatonia is the one thing, that makes REAL Autism, REAL Autism... and if you don't have catatonia, you ain't got Autism.


And if you didn't know catatonia is the ONLY symptom that determines if or not you have Autism, then Honey, you really do know absolutely nothing about REAL, ACTUAL Autism.


#IF YOU DO NOT HAVE CATATONIA, YOU DO NOT HAVE AUTISM!


And then there are the senses. The over powering senses. 


Every sound, even the tiniest whisper, is like a cruise ship fog horn going off in my ears. 


If that doesn't happen to you, than you don't have Autism.



I can see in the dark like a cat, and that's a good thing, but the trade off, I can't see at all in light. Sun light, daylight, land light, they blind me. I can not go outside between 10AM and 5PM because the sunlight causes searing pain and I pass out from the pain, then when I wake up, I can't see at all for several minutes, and when I can see again all I can see a rainbow star bursts and black and red polka dots for hours.


If that doesn't happen to you, than you don't have Autism.


The faker ass wanna bes with their self diagnoses, will tell you their eyes hurt if they look at the sun... newsflash... EVERYONE'S eyes hurt if you look at the sun. Stop being an idiot, stop looking at the sun!


People with Autism, don't have to look at the sun to black out ... a 30 watt lamp in a bedroom will cause them to pass out from the searing pain as well. The pain is THAT bad.


When was the last time you felt pain that was so extreme you passed out?


Never? Really? I thought you said you had Autism? 


When was the last time you were blind for hours on end and saw nothing but total blackness, while fireworks starburst of rainbow colours exploded in front of you and black and red polka dots zipped by?


Never? Really? I thought you said you accurately self diagnosed yourself with Autism? Extreme photo sensativity is a primary symptom, classified as, you don't have Autism, if you don't have this symptom.


Still think you diagnosed yourself accurately?




The faker ass wanna bes with their self diagnoses, will tell you they can't wear cloths with tags because "tags are itchy"...



Nothing can touch me. Nothing. No one. Not fabric. Not human skin. I break out in horrifying blisters, huge bubbles that burst and bleed. I can only wear 100% pure silk, pure cotton, pure bamboo fiber cloth, or real fur. Everything burns my skin. Turns my skin bright red. My skin blisters, bubbles, bleeds, and peels if anything else touches it.


If that doesn't happen to you, than you don't have Autism.


As for itchy tags... tags itch EVERYONE, you stupid ass!


People with Autism... tags cause massive blisters, hives, and bleeding.


Far too many people only know the "good", "cute", "funny", "quirky", "socially acceptable" symptoms of Autism, and they want in on that. They want to be cute, funny, quirky, social acceptable... but they completely ignore the dark side of Autism... and very, very, very dark, that dark side is. The bad symptoms, the violent symptoms, the social unaccepted symptoms, are far bigger, far greater, then the good ones. To the extent that a REAL Autistic can't function in society.


And that's how you can tell the fake ass wanna bes with their self diagnoses, from someone with REAL, ACTUAL Autism.


They parade around talking how good and fun Autism is, they make out like having Autism is a badge of honor to be proud of.


It's not, and don't be fooled into thinking it is.


And 90% of all Autistics, can't even talk. Mutism, is one the biggest symptoms.


Yes, Autism gives you good things like making art and literature are big part of your life, but the bad parts of Autism are so overpowering bad, that you can NOT enjoy those good things.


Real Autistics aren't trying to be a part of a group. They are just trying to get from one day to the next without searing pain in their bellies, without their skin bursting open and bleeding all over everything, without mind numbing pain in their eyes from sunlight. They are in far too much pain 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year, every year for their entire lives, to have any free time to join groups or happily chat about how fun Autism is.


#Autism is not fun to live with, and any one who tells you it is, does not have Autism.


The fakers with their self diagnoses, forget to tell you about the dark side of Autism, because **THEY DO NOT HAVE AUTISM** so they didn't even know the dark side of Autism existed.


If you only know self-diagnosed Aspies, then you don't know Autism, and you are in for one hell of a big surprise when the day comes that you actually meet someone with REAL Autism.






1 in 3 children have Aspergers, it's very common, but only 1 in 1,200,000 children have Autism, it's very rare. In the wake of the mass flood of people calling Asperger's Autism, people forget how incredibly rare actual Autism really is. They aren't the same thing and until you've seen both side by side, you don't realize how different they really are.


People forget WHY I became such a good writer. I was mute for 31 years. Writing was the only way I could communicate with anyone. But I grew up in a family that crumpled up the paper, never even looked at it. In their minds I was too stupid to talk and therefore anything I wrote on paper MUST have been gibberish. They didn't even look at it. So I wrote letters to the cats that lived with us. I started doing that when I was 8 years old. I still do it 50+ years later.


 I'm not likely to be much use in a group, as outside of writing, art, video games, and organizing sale floors of retail stores, I'm too retarded to be able to do anything else. 


I'm rarely welcomed in groups, because I'm too retarded, too Autistic to fit in, or so I'm always told. I'm rarely of any use to anyone.

You want an in depth look at HOW someone becomes Autistic?


The first 31 years of my life was spent sleeping in feces, starving, locked in a cage.


My first experience with Americans was to be plastered by paparazzi all over every newspaper as a feral child who survived "the worst child abuse case in American history".


My 2nd experience with Americans was for Stephen King's film crew to show up, trespassing, unannounced, to film not one, but 2 movies on my farm, without my permission.


Resulted in people flocking to me as fans, pissing their pants to meet me and get my autograph, but never once becoming a friend... they already have friend who they run back to screaming they shook my hand.


I've never had a friend.


Never.


Not one.


My uncles, they only loved the money they could get from having an 8 year old child with 38DDD breasts.


I had my first "miscarriage" at age 14 when one of my uncles decided it was bad for business for me to be pregnant, so tossed me in a shower stall, and kicked my belly until I passed out. I woke up 3 days later, still in the shower stall, the entire bathroom a bloodbath.


ALL 7 so-called "miscarriages" have been that way. Outright murder.


Ben was the father of every murdered baby and he not only doesn't give a shit, he goes so far as to say, none of the babies were his, goes into wild, violent meltdowns accusing me of being "unrighteous and unfaithful", so he doesn't have to care... but when I was 12, he bought the exclusive rights to me, and I've not been with anyone else since.


Ben's cold, callous uncaring about the deaths, murders of his own children, at the hands of my uncles, is the number 1 primary reason why I like Avallac'h... 


Avallac'h loves babies and hates people who kill them. It's rare to find a man who wouldn't kill a baby, even their own. Real men hate babies. Avallac'h doesn't. Real men kill babies. Avallac'h kills baby killers. 


A man who doesn't kill babies is among the rarest thing there is. Real men are evil. All they care about is sex. They don't care about your health. They don't care about your safety. They only care about their dicks. And babies are in the way. Men massacre babies without batting an eye. 


Avallac'h's love for babies, alongside his fierce, violent protection of babies and their mothers, marks him as a rarity among men and a hero beyond any hero out there.


I was only one of the 140 nieces, my uncles regularly chained down, then jumped on their stomachs while they were pregnant. David was the worst. He was a 6'4" weight lifter, he'd tie the girls down, then beat their bellies with his 200lb weights.


That's the reality of child prostitution rings.


Go to my VOD list. Look for the VOD uploaded April 24, 2019, with the phrase "NSFW" in its title. The video includes footage of the sawed up bones, of 31 of those girls, being dug up on my farm.


Not everyone lived through their so-called "miscarriages". Nearly half died with their babies.


The FBI is still looking for more 200 girls between the ages of 4 and 12, who went missing in the 1970s and 1980s. I know where they are. August 16, 1991, uncle Mervin Bruce Atwater, alongside grandpa David Henry Atwater drove a caravan to Canton Lake, Canton Maine... I spent that 7 hour drive, tied up, gaged, and locked in the trunk of one of the several dozen cars involved in that caravan.


They Heaven's Gate murders happened just 5 years later and is what caused the FBI raid that rescued me and 140 others.


But the FBI first showed up at the farm in 1987.


The FBI started hanging around a lot in 1990.


And then, August 16, 1991, the entire clan gathered, from all over Canada, New England, Utah, Arizona, Colorado, Wyoming... thousands of them, in the biggest "family reunion" the Scottish Gypsies ever held... on Canton Lake.


Those 200+ missing girls... are at the bottom of Canton Lake. 


Lead by David Henry, Mervin Bruce, David, and Shem, the oldest of the grandchildren - men in their 30s and 40s - slit the throats of those girls, gutted them, sawed them up, boiled their meat off the bones, and then made a game, with the youngest children - boys all under the age of 12 - a contest to see who could throw bones the farthest, off a high cliff out into the lake...  in what they referred to as a "Moose poaching camp"... a huge hunting camp that they usually used for processing poached moose. ... a moose processing camp, owned, run, and operated by Barbie Jean.... 


They knew the FBI was coming down on them, so they decided to hide the evidence of the child prostitution ring.... thus they spent the night processing the meat of those 200+ young girls, and then, loaded the steaks into the backs of the door-to-door steak trucks that you see all over Maine, and sold them as "deer meat steaks".


That's what happened to the 200+ girls that went missing, and didn't get rescued with the 140 others, during the FBI raid that shut down the biggest child prostitution ring in America.


You see the constant police and backhoes digging up my farm at 146 Portland Ave, Old Orchard Beach, Maine - it's been going on since the first bodies were dug up by coyotes in 2016, ... if you're local, you've seen it, the hundreds of rusty oil barrels the FBI and police are digging up in my yard... the crowds of locals gathering around my farm, and police simply saying: "We are investigating cannibals" and giving no more details.


The oldest barrels they've excavated so far, date to the 1920s.... the bulk of them are from the 1950s to 1970s.... 


In those oil barrels are the bones of children. Little girls, 8, 9, 10, 12 years olds, who dared commit the sin of getting pregnant when white Americans paid $20,000 to rape them.


Americans like to spread all kinds of rumors about the group they call "The Scottish Mafia", but the reality of the so-called Scottish Mafia, is far worse then the stupid ass rumors.... a clan of cannibals, who raised little girls like they cattle, girls who spent their childhoods in cages, let out only long enough to be raped by American men willing to pay the highest prices, then slaughtered eaten as steaks when they turned 14 years old.... that's the REAL Scottish Mafia, a very big far cry from what you see portrayed as "Scottish Mafia" in TV and movies isn't it?


We females were seen as livestock.


Kept in cages, even puppy mills wouldn't dream of using.


Let out long enough to be raped by strangers.


Our rape babies beaten out of our bellies, on the orders of their fathers, who the uncles blackmailed more money out of. Pay money to beat the 8 year old child carrying your rape baby, ensure no one finds out what you do in your spare time.


Then slaughtered for food when you turn 14.


Your bones, sawed up, packed in oil barrels, and buried in the swamps.


They thought the swamps would rot the metal barrels, rot the bones.


They were wrong, weren't they?


The peat bog moss of the swamp preserved them. And now they are being dug up.


Go watch the VOD. See the bones being excavated out of my farm for yourself.


That is what I grew up with.


Daily being raped from the time I was 4 years old


When any of children got pregnant, our bellies were crushed.


And when we reached the age of 14, we were cut up into steaks and sold as fucking deer meat.


Have you noticed that in 2016, the door-to-door deer steak trucks all but vanished in Maine? Yeah. Now you know why. A lot of them are in prison now for selling human not deer steaks.


#If you have any information regarding this case, FBI Agent Andy Drewer out of the Portland, Maine FBI office is in charge of the investigation. He can be reached @ +1-(207)-774-9322


I'm one of the few who survived, because I had papers. When I was 12, a millionaire high priest from Austria, bought exclusive rights to me, and he also got me legal paperwork: American citizenship, a social security number, a birth certificate - things females in this clan were not allowed to have. Ben is the only reason I went on to become one of the few girls still alive today, and not sold as deer steaks when I turned 14.


A lot of people don't know WHY I got so damned mad at ThingyChan, when she took events from my childhood and made BDSM sex fetish memes about it... because unlike ThingyChan, a lot of people don't know the full details of what happened to me, what I saw happen to my cousins.


Half the time they weren't killed humanely... Anastasia... was only 4 years old, when on August 21, 1991, she had her leg pulled off her body.... the intestines came out with the bone .... her breakfast half digested spewed out all over the floor mingled with the blood... it took her 5 damned days to finally bleed to death. And they left her laying their, while the older male cousins, Shem leading them, kicked her, punched her, and rapeded her, over and over again.


#THEY FUCKING TORTURED HER TO DEATH!


Do you know what it feels like to have your head held down on a cement cinder block while a more traditional red brick is slammed into your face?


I do!


It was a common punishment.


I can even begin to count how many times my jaw was broken that way.


#Do you see now how incredibly VILE the sex joke memes ThingChan made about the torture I went through, is?


#HOW DISGUSTING THINGYCHAN IS FOR CALLING A 4 YEAR OLD BEING TIED DOWN, RAPED, AND JAW BROKEN WITH A BRICK, A BDSM SEX FETISH!!!!!


ThingyChan is a bad as the fucking men who did that to us!


How dare she call the torture we went through BDSM sex fetishes!


Over 300 little girls between the ages of 4 and 14 were MURDERED!


What kind of a sick bastard makes sex jokes about THAT?


#WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HER!!!!!


There has never been a time in my life, when I wasn't suffering in pain from broken bones that never got set, ruptured organs that left me bleeding for weeks on end. Not once being allowed to go to the hospital.


My hip dysplasia was caused by having a 2 foot long foundation nail driven through my hip when I was 4 years old.  


I've heard people say sex was good, fun, happy... I've never had sex that wasn't forced, wasn't rape, wasn't brutal, and didn't leave me without broken bones or torn muscles. Sex is the worse, most evil, most horrible, vile, pain riddin form of torture there is. I can't even image how anyone could enjoy being beaten, having their bones broken, strangled, stabbed with knives, forks, and broken glass plates... sex the most awful thing there is, I can not understand how anyone would want it.


The only good thing about sex is the babies that come from it, but all of mine were murdered before they could be born. I was never allowed to raise any of my babies, and I nearly died after every beaten that killed my babies. 


The most recent one, they beat me with metal baseball bats and golf clubs, left me not only without my baby, but with my spine, hips, and knees broken, I'm crippled for the rest of my left and have spent the last 6 years relearning to walk.


No one has ever been kind to me.


No one has ever hugged me.


No one has ever kissed me.


No one has ever loved me.


There are only 2 things I've ever wanted: a baby and a friend.


America has laws, a woman my age can't adopt, you have to be under 45 in order to qualify for consideration to adopt a child in America; and the last beaten, left me unable to have children.


That leaves me with only one thing left to hope for in life: a friend, someone to talk to. I've never had that. Not once. More than half my life was spent locked in a cage, with no lights, no heat, total darkness, in a room with no windows, no nothing, just mold and fungus several inches thick on rotten walls, and a dirt ledge floor, bare ground, no floor boards. Alone for weeks on end, not knowing if or when I would ever see a person, if or when I would be given another burned saucepan to claw scrapings off of.


#When the FBI raid happened, I was


* 31 years old, 5'6" and weighed 87lbs. 


* my bones and muscles were (and still are) brittle and falling apart from 2 decades of extreme malnutrition. 


* I was nearly starved to death and the rescuers estimated I would have died with in the next few months had the raid not happened


* the room was filled with the bones of others who had died, been tossed in the room, their flesh eaten by the same rats that chewed on my arms and legs each night... they had all been beheaded, so no heads or skulls were ever found and the FBI continues to excavate the area and dredge local waters in search of the skulls, to this day


* It had been decades since I'd last eaten a meal, with as many as 2 weeks passing between being tossed a burned pan to scrap out. 


* I couldn't see in daylight because I'd spent so many years in total darkness. 


* And I didn't know how to speak human languages, was only able to speak cat and chicken, due to the only ones I had, had to talk to in that time, was the feral cats that snuck in through the cracks in the walls at night, and the chickens who were put in the room in the winter to protect them from the cold.


* I had no social skills, did not know how to communicate with others; was only able to communicate via writing; 


* because the only physical touch I had ever had from anyone was being raped or being beaten... I had (and still have) a massive phobia of humans getting near me and am prone to massive meltdowns of total hysteria if someone gets within 5 feet of me


* I had (and still have) a massive phobia of forks, seeing them as weapons, not food utensils, due to have been stabbed, scarred, and tortured with sharped forks by my uncle Mervin Bruce Atwater, so many dozens of times


* I was 37 years old before I found out I was a human, and not a demon, like I had been raised to believe


* I got my driving permit at age 34 and gt my driver's license at age 35


* I started school at age 35 and got my GED at age 37


* many of the children who did not reach adulthood and died in those horrendous conditions, killed themselves before reaching the age of 16... I was the only one rescued who not only reached adulthood, but was in my 30s at the time of the raid


* when the team of psychologists, psychiatrists, and social workers assigned to me asked what kept me from killing myself like the bulk of the others had done... in those 27 years of hell, I held on to 2 memories: when I was 6 years old Grammy Eva had taken me to the Ice Capades, and when I was 7, in the weeks before Grammy Helen's death I had watched The Liberace Show with her every week.


* my 2 grammys - one who lived in Hawaii and wore Muumuu & kimono - the other who in her 80s drove a orange metal flake 3-wheel motorcycle and wore neon purple pantsuits; The Ice Capades, and The Liberace Show were my only memories of the outside world... bright, colourful, and happy... and are why I wear the bright coloured clothes I wear today


* I held onto the memories of my good, kind, loving, compassionate grammys, and that's the only thing that kept me alive, I thought that if I ever escaped, the outside world would be like them... but now that I've met the outside world, I know that my 2 grammys were flukes, and that I was locked up because I was a fluke like them, and humanity hates kindness, compassion, and goodness because the entirety of Humanity is EXACTLY like my uncles - cruel, evil, hateful, abusive, mean, incapable of love, compassionless, and not deserving of the life God gave them - In my years since the FBI, I've yet to met a single, solitary person, who was kind, good, compassionate, or loving


* the team of psychologists, psychiatrists, and social workers assigned to me, all agreed that they did not believe I would ever be able to assimilate into HUMAN society, due to my extreme hatred for and fear of HUMANS, and my total 100% belief that I was not a HUMAN, caused by my mother's extreme paranoid schizophrenia, and her having locked me in a cage in that isolation room on my 8th birthday because she believed faeries had stolen her real daughter and replaced her with me, a demon changeling


* the team of psychologists, psychiatrists, and social workers assigned to me, all agreed that I likely will never be able to feel any empathy for or towards HUMANS, due to 3 decades of being raised by violent mentally unstable humans who had severe untreated schizophrenia that they bounced off each other... with them glorifying the glories of them being HUMAN and us children being DEMONS unworthy of living in HUMAN presence


* the thing this group of 24 psychologists, psychiatrists, and social workers found to be the single most disturbing fact of all, was that ...

#my 3 decades of neglect, abuse, and isolation was so extreme that I possess no sympathy, empathy, compassion, pity, or ability to identify with Humans - the only emotion I feel towards humans is loathsome hatred and the unnerving desire to kill them all


* they said my total lack of any good feelings towards humans, combined with my extreme desire to kill all humans, alongside my having been raised to believe I was not human, marked me as an anomaly that they didn't know how to properly diagnosed because nothing like my case had ever been encountered before and there was no diagnosis for it


* among things included in my diagnosis, was the phrase: 


>>>"is a UFO suicide cult survivor"


and


>>>"was raised by radical fundamentalist extremists"


and


>>>"was raised to believe she was not human"


and


>>>"was raised to believe she was a demon"


and


>>>"in interviewing the adults who raised her, 52 of then maintain the belief that she is a demon channeling that they refer to as 'Her Grandmother's Evil Spirit'", "they claimed the real child ceased to exist after her grandmother's funeral", "they claimed that upon returning from the funeral, the real child was gone and this demon changeling was left in her place"


and


>>>"evidence suggests that her grandmother was murdered and she witnessed this event, resulting in the adults who murdered her grandmother creating the delusion that she was a demon, removing her from public school, and locking her in a cage in order to prevent her from telling anyone about the grandmother's murder"


and


>>>"they said they could not let her out of the cage because she refused to reveal where the faeries had taken the real child to"


and


>>>"they said they had no choice but to beat her daily because of her refusal to reveal the location of the real child she had replaced"


and


>>>"they likewise believe that both grandmothers were not human, cutting they too were demons"


and


>>>"they cited that the girl inherited 'Helen's evil spirit' upon Helen's death and 'Eva's evil spirit' upon Eva's death"


and


>>>"alarmingly every adult involved in her rearing displays severe schizophrenia, total belief in demons, and is fully convinced that this girl is a demon changeling; scarily their delusions fed on each other, giving rise to even more delusions" 


and


>>>"was removed from public school at the age of 8 years old a few hours following her grandmother's funeral; an investigation was made by the superintendent of schools, but social workers never followed up on the girl's sudden disappearance from public eye. These horrific events may never have happened had The Maine State Department of Human Services taken those initial reports from the her teacher, principal, superintendent, school nurse, and the child's pediatrician, all of whom files individual reports regarding concerns for the girl's safety after witnessing several signs of abuse during the weeks prior to her disappearance"


and


>>>"reports were made to the Old Orchard Beach Police Department regarding the girl's disappearance from school. No follow up was done. It has been discovered that members of the family worked in the police department and destroyed the department's record of these reports made by concerned school officials" 


and 


>>>"has never experienced kind, good, or loving relationships"


 and


 >>>"since infancy has never been hugged, held, cuddled, or touched in a good way by other humans" 


and


>>>"displays post traumatic stress disorder symptoms similar to WW2 concentration camp victims"


and


>>>"can not remember her name, answers to the names 'four eyed retard' and 'competition bitch' which appear to be the only names her mother called her since the age of 8 years old"


and 


>>>"has never been taught to view humans as equals" 




* in the weeks following the FBI raid, my mother and her 3 sisters and 8 brothers, were all diagnosed with schizophrenia... 


* the 12 siblings, their 50+ spouses, and 400+ adult children who ran the child prostitution ring, were all diagnosed with sociopathy, 5 were diagnosed with megalomania, more the 3 dozen (including my mother) were diagnosed with Munchausen syndrome by proxy


* the group was classified as the most radical of the compounds that called themselves members of Heaven's Gate - 4 of it's leaders killed themselves in the infamous HaleBop murder/suicide that killed 39 people in California and was what led to the FBI raid a few weeks later


* the FBI raid would result in dozens of Catholic, Mormon, Pentecostal, Baptist, Born Again Holy Roller, New Life, and non-Denominational churches throughout southern Maine and the Greater Boston tri-state area being closed in the weeks/months that followed, in the mid-late 1990s, as hundreds of pedophile priests were arrested for having paid money (often $millions in church funds) to rape the young girls


* wild rumors began to surface, as horrified Americans dubbed the clan leaders involved in the Scottish Gypsy child prostitution ring as "The Scottish Mafia"


* while American movie producers had a field day stereotyping "Scottish Mafia" to mean anything and everything, we 140 survivors, had to fight claw and fang against paparazzi, alongside trying to even learn what the hell an American even was


* the worst of them, Stephen King arrived at the compound, with a huge movie crew and set out to filming a movie "The Thinner" based off what he referred to as "the Gypsies of Saco, Maine, the most REAL Gypsy style Gypsies I have ever encountered"... he and his crew were trespassers, had no permits or permissions, and today are in a legal battle against our clan trying to get the rights to release Thinner on DVD, something we absolutely refuse to sign off on - we are abhorred that he tried to capitalize on our decades of torture, pain, and suffering


* and all of the 140 others like myself, were also raised to believe they were locked in cages because they were demons


* as of 2020, more than half of the 140 survivors rescued from that FBI raid have commit suicide, due to the pressures of trying to BECOME A HUMAN and to date none have been able to see themselves as HUMANS or successfully assimilate in HUMAN society and most are still 100% convinced they are DEMONS and are unable to identify as HUMAN or live among HUMANS


* while I was 31 at the time of the FBI raid; the eldest of my brothers was only 7 years old - yes, I am old enough to be the grandmother of every one of my brothers; one of them, was so badly traumatised by the abuse he received, he does not talk still to this day


* given the fact that my mother has multi-hundreds of medical records that all list her as infertile and unable to have children, after MY 16 YEAR OLD MOTHER - a brutal "miscarriage" (caused by an overdose of sleeping pills, then having her head cracked open with a brick b an unknown attacker while she was unconscious) she had 4 years after I was born, combined with the dates of the births of my brothers vs the dates of the so-called "miscarriage" beatens, some of the psychiatrists, psychologists, and social workers involved in the case, believe that chances are high that my brothers, may actually be my sons, stolen from me by my own mother, after being beaten unconscious by her brother Mervin Bruce.... this theory was further emphasized by the fact that one of my brothers is a blue eyed blond (everyone in the Atwater family has dark skin, black eyes, and black hair, due to being 3/4 Native American and 1/4 black African) and looks exactly like Ben (a blue eyed blond Austrian), the father of my babies


#and yes, my mother was a VERY SMALL CHILD when I was born - she and I are closer in age to each other then most sisters are, which is also why people often mistake us for twin sisters and have difficulty telling us apart


* my father was 39 when I was born, making the age difference between my parents one of the youngest in the clan and one of the few where the father was less than 30 years older then the mother... the biggest age difference between mother and father is 57 years


* at age 14 I hold the record of being the OLDEST female to get pregnant, and was nicknamed by the uncles "the old maid" due to my being "so very old" the first time getting pregnant


* I was 1 of only 2 females to reach the age of 14 with fewer than 4 pregnancies under my belt


* because only 4% of all babies reach the 3 years old, babies are not named until after their 3rd birthday and are given only bare necessity minimum contact (feeding time once every 4 hours and diaper changes twice a day), to avoid emotional attachments to them; this results in most of the parents and adults feeling no emotions at all then the 97% of babies born to the clan die - a rate of about 3 baby deaths per week


* feeding babies and diaper changes are the responsibility of the "non-Human, Demon slaves", some of whom are let out of their cages for the hour long baby feeding and diaper changing sessions


* mothers rarely, if ever, saw their babies - this made it easy to sell excess (male) babies for $20,000 each to infertial American couples through fly-by-night (not legal) "adoption clinics"


* male blue eyed blond newborn babies are highly sought after by infertial American couples and can sell for as high as $200,000; thus wealthy blue-eyed blond priests from Catholic, Mormon, Pentecostal, New Life, and Baptist churches were sought out with offers to pay money to rape little girls


* the child prostitution ring was in operation for 57 years, bringing in multiple millions of dollars per year to the so-called "motel owners of Old Orchard Beach" aka The Cyr Clan, who owned it, before the FBI raid shut most of it down in 1997


* while as of 2020 most of the Atwater Clan men involved with running & managing the child prostitution ring have been arrested, the actual owners of the child prostitution ring (The Cyr Clan) whom the Atwater Clan worked for, have yet to be arrested and are still at large


* I do not know the name of the man who owned it, he rarely showed up on the farm, but when he did show up, he ALWAYS drove a giant backhoe, with a German Shepherd Dog riding in the bucket/scoop; the man looked exactly like Bo Duke from the Dukes of Hazzard, appeared to be TRYING to look like Bo Duke; he wasn't very big; most of the Atwater uncles who ran the clan were over 6'2" the tallest being 6'7" and the man from the Cyr clan barely reached to their shoulders, so he was around 5'7" tall; he was also very skinny and was flighty and nervous acting and seemed to very paranoid, he was loud and demanding and yelled a lot; in spite of his tiny size, my giant brutal, spouse abusing, child torturing uncles were terrified of him, but I never knew why; he reminded me of a chihuahua - small, loud, barking constantly, but scared of his own shadow; he was in his 30s at the time and had taken over "the business" from his father; he'd be around 65 or 70 years old today in 2020; he always spoke of owning a hotel, and every autumn arrived at the farm to hire my uncles to saw the copper pipes off of "competitors' hotels" and to burn down other hotels; throughout the 1980s and into the 2000s, every single year, no fewer than 4 and as many as 20 hotels were strippe