EelKat Wendy C Allen - Dark Fantasy Author

The Witcher 3:
Wild Hunt
|Game of the Year Edition|
Completionist Run:
The Avallac'h Playthrough

Answering Viewer Questions:

FAQs: Why did you add a rope to Avallac'h's belt? I thought it was because he was a BDSM fetish freak, but you said he's an asexual virgin?

FAQs: Why did you add a rope to Avallac'h's belt? I thought it was because he was a BDSM fetish freak, but you said he's an asexual virgin?


In the novels, Avallac'h is asexual, a virgin, and is celibate, refusing to have sex with anyone.

The rope.

Are you sure you REALLY want to know about Avallac'h's rope and why he carries it?


The backstory behind Avallac'h's rope and why he carries it may be viewed as deeply disturbing to sensitive readers.

Of course... keep in mind that if you are sensitive to what he does, my thoughts on that are: FUCK YOU BITCH, MAY YOU BE THE NEXT WHORE ON HIS LIST!

Avallac'h is viewed by 91% of all people whom have read the novels, as the evilest, most vile villain, not only of the Witcher franchise, but of any media out there. What he does with his rope, is the reason.

And while they see him as a villain, I see him as a hero and say more power to him... may he successfully eradicate the universe of every last slut assed whore out there...

Avallac'h Is the greatest hero since Jack the Ripper.


The story behind the rope, appears in volumes 6 and 7 of the Witcher novels. Here is a summary of the reason Avallac'h carries the rope, as we were told in the novels Tower of Swallows and Lady of the Lake:

In the novels, Avallac'h is asexual, a virgin, and is celibate, refusing to have sex with anyone.

Avallac'h is the last fertile male Elf and refuses to have sex with anyone who CAN NOT BE MADE PREGNANT.

Lara Dorren was the last fertile female Elf and therefore wa the only female Avallac'h was willing to have sex with.

No. Avallac'h has nothing to do with BDSM or sex fetishes. He has a massive phobia of wasting his sperm on a woman that can't get pregnant... and he words it exactly that way, alongside a very detailed monologue of ovaries, ovulation, and orgasms... he states that he not only won't have sex with a female unless he knows she's fertile, he won't have sex with her unless she's ovulating right then and there and can be made pregnant by having sex with her, just that one time.

In the very 1st scene that introduces him, Avallac'h spends a 7 page long monologue, detailing how to tell if a female is fertile, how to tell if her ovaries are ripe, and how to tell the exact minute she is ovulating... and ends that monologue by telling Geralt that Ciri (who is 12 years old at the time he said this) was ripe for fertilization.

It is Avallac'h's overly blunt, scientifically detailed description of wanting to breed Ciri (found in Chapter 7 of Tower of Swallows) that generally turns most readers to really, really, REALLY hate him.

It becomes very clear, very quickly, that while Avallac'h is extremely intelligent, he is also very socially maladjusted, has not skills when it comes to interacting with others, and is completely oblivious to that fact that others find his nature to be deeply disturbing.

It is also painfully obvious that Avallac'h has been raised since infancy to be a breeder, and has never been taught that he could do or be anything else. When others suggest to him that he could possible be or do something other then be a breeder, he can't even comprehend that.

We learn that Avallac'h has spent most of his life isolated, imprisoned, and taught that because he is the last fertile male, that he has no use to anyone beyond being used to breed fertile females.

And while he only talks of babies and sex and how babies are made, we see him admit, first to Geralt in Tower of Swallows, and later to Ciri in Lady of the Lake, that he is asexual, has no interest in sex, finds the idea of sex boring, says he can't understand why everyone wants to have sex, calls sex dull and lacking in any interest or fascination, states he really doesn't want to be a breeder, says he hates that he is branded the saviour of his species, and says wishes he had someone who would just talk to him, be his friend, and treat him like a normal person, rather then acting like he was an emotionless stud stallion whose only lot in life is to make babies for others.

Avallac'h is an extremely, overly sexualized character and at the same time, is the character the least interested in sex.

We see Avallac'h in public, displaying wild over the top shows of sexuality, often seen stripping naked, dancing on tables and chairs, grinding on naked women, dry humping any female that gets near him, with Ciri's eyes glued to his dick. Dressed in these scenes in skin tight black leather, thigh high stiletto boots, Avallac'h is described like a dominatrix, and portrayed as a strip dancer. We are even told he has a stripper name: The Purple Bison.

In public Avallac'h is never seen without his 5 favorite wives (one of whom is his sister Isilira who we meet in his lab in the game), all 5 of whom wear nothing but gold glitter paint, and are always very sexually rubbing themselves all over Avallac'h, no matter what he is doing.

Ciri, states that these 5 black skinned she-elves all look alike, just like monkeys, and refuses to call them by their names, instead dubbing them: "Avallac'h's Gilded Women". This results in many scenes of Ciri bullying Avallac'h's wives, and Avallac'h constantly having to break up fights between Ciri in the "The Gilded Women".

In his palace at the Lake of avalon, Ciri tells us that she sees at least 500 wives, each of them with at least 4 children. Knowing Avallac'h to be classified as a breeder, Ciri assumes these many thousands of children to all be Elf children whom he has fathered. This is further confirmed when he refers to them as "my children" and Ciri sees him lovingly treating the children as though he were their father.

At first appearances, Avallac'h is presented to both Ciri and the reader, as a wild overly sexual stud stallion who spends all of his time doing nothing but having sex.

And the reader quickly learns that this is all a public fasche.

In private, we see Avallac'h dramatically different and learn that his public displays of sexuality are just that: public displays and nothing more.

And worse... we also learn where "his children" came from, as Avallac'h's glittering, sexual public displays are slowly stripped away and his morbid, suicidally depressed, serial killer dark side starts to be revealed.

Yep... the reader is about to learn that Ciri has escaped Leo and Vilgisfortze, the 2 worst villains on her planet... and is now living with the most deviated, notorious serial killer in the universe.

But we are also shown how he got that way, why his is driven to kill, and it becomes impossible to see him as a villain.

A slave to King Auberon, the only thing that keeps Avallac'h alive, is the fact that he is one of the last 3 males known to still be fertile.

Avallac'h is seen as a traitor, because of his loyalty to Lara. Were he not fertile, he would have been executed long ago.

Avallac'h is branded a breeder, and in Elf society, that's all anyone sees him for: a sex object, that is nothing more then a baby making machine. AND HE HATES IT.

We ONLY see Avallac'h behaving sexually, while he is in public places, where agents of King Auberon are around.

In private however, under the safety of the magic barrier mists that surround the Lake of Avalon, we see the true Avallac'h's nature: a man who really just wants to sit on a boat and fish all day long.

We are told Avallac'h is an expert archer, the helmsman of a ship, an obsessively devoted fisherman, a cryogenics physicist, a surgeon, an herbalist, a poet, a flutist, a composer, an author, a landscape painter, an expert horseman, a necromancer, a scientist skilled at cloning, a sorcerer skilled at blood magic, the inventor of portals, a time traveler, a medical doctor with the universe's most advanced ability to heal pretty much any and all illnesses, and is the most powerful mage in the universe, capable of vaporizing thousands in seconds with his sonic whale songs, able to turn entire cities of people to stone with a mere glance, uses telepathy instead of speaking with his voice, and is a psion known as The Knowing One because he can see all events of the past, all events of the future, and can hear the thoughts of everyone for miles around. We are told he can speak all the Elven languages in every dialect.

Each of those things Avallac'h is very proud of. He has walls of degrees from universities all over the universe...

...and yet, no one cares. Elf society cares only for sex, sex, sex, and more sex, and to be an asexual, intelectual with walls of degrees, in a world that only values sex, brands Avallac'h as useless, worthless, unnecessary, and expendable. He is fertile. He is a breeder. And that is all anyone cares about.

We see Avallac'h depressed and suicidal, crying in every single scene hee's in. He goes back and forth between hating his inability to feel any desire for sex, to hating his people for their inability to see past his ability to father children and see all that he has accomplished in his 2,000 years of life.

More than once, we see Avallac'h break down in tears, stating that he is lonely and wishes people would stop only wanting him for sex, saying he has feeling but no one cares about his feelings because they can't see past lust and sex and greed to see that all he wants is a companion to talk to, someone who will spend time with him and love him without demands for sex.

Most of the scenes of Avallac'h, we see him on a boat fishing, horseback riding around the lake, or wandering aimlessly through fields of flowers picking flowers and playing a flute. He never strays far from the Lake of Avalon, and Cri stated that he seemed very sad and that he always rode his horse as though he was trying to run away from something.

In the early scenes of them together, Avallac'h brushed off Ciri's presence, acting as though she was just another sex crazed female sent to him to torment him with demands for sex.

We see Ciri sleeping in bed with Avallac'h at night, and feeling safe doing so, stating that while he was always hugging and cuddling her, he never once made any sexual advances towards her and she felt safe sleeping in his arms, knowing he'd never force himself on her.

Avallac'h leaves each night, to where Ciri does not know, but she starts trying to find out, resulting in her getting up early each morning to ride her horse around the lake in search of Avallac'h. Soon the 2 of them are daily riding their horses together around the lake, and Avallac'h opens up and starts talking to Ciri more and more.

At first appearances, Avallac'h is presented to both Ciri and the reader, as a wild overly sexual stud stallion who spends all of his time doing nothing but having sex.

And the reader quickly learns that this is all a public fasche.

In private, we see Avallac'h dramatically different and learn that his public displays of sexuality are just that: public displays and nothing more.

And worse... we also learn where "his children" came from, as Avallac'h's glittering, sexual public displays are slowly stripped away and his morbid, suicidally depressed, serial killer dark side starts to be revealed.

Yep... the reader is about to learn that Ciri has escaped Leo and Vilgisfortze, the 2 worst villains on her planet... and is now living with the most deviated, notorious serial killer in the universe.

But we are also shown how he got that way, why his is driven to kill, and it becomes impossible to see him as a villain.

A slave to King Auberon, the only thing that keeps Avallac'h alive, is the fact that he is one of the last 3 males known to still be fertile.

Avallac'h is seen as a traitor, because of his loyalty to Lara. Were he not fertile, he would have been executed long ago.

Avallac'h is branded a breeder, and in Elf society, that's all anyone sees him for: a sex object, that is nothing more then a baby making machine. AND HE HATES IT.

We ONLY see Avallac'h behaving sexually, while he is in public places, where agents of King Auberon are around.

In private however, under the safety of the magic barrier mists that surround the Lake of Avalon, we see the true Avallac'h's nature: a man who really just wants to sit on a boat and fish all day long.

Ciri asks of King Auberon's plans, and Eredin explains they need a Child of the Elder Blood, a child born to 2 Elder Blood parents. King Auberon had planned for Avallac'h and Lara Dorren to have that child, but Lara was a traitor, and now King auberon was looking for yet another female Elder Blood to breed Avallac'h with.

Eredin explains, this is why Ciri is here. Ciri is to have a female baby with King Auberon, raise that child, and Avallac'h is to be breed to Ciri's daughter, as he had been expected to do with Lara.... this will create The Child of The Elder Blood, The Child of Prophecy, whom King auberon will use as a living weapon to kill all Humans everywhere on every planet.

Yeah... even though the GAME told you that CIRI was The Child of The Elder Blood, The Child of Prophecy, The Living weapon... in the novels we are told that Ciri is the MOTHER of that child.

Cii is deeply disturbed to learn this info, and changes the subject by asking if Eredin knew where Avallac'h went to each night, as it appeared Eredin knew Avallac'h pretty well.

Eredin tells Ciri that Avallac'h leads a group called The Wild Hunt, a group of female wraiths, women who died in childbirth and are now the protecting guardian spirits of unborn babies.

Ciri laughs and says The Wild Hunt is nothing but a myth. A bedtime story of spectators who kidnap children and take them to live with Fairies. A story meant to scare children into going to bed at night.

Eredin tells Ciri not to laugh and then reminds Ciri that she is herself but a child and right now is Avallac'h's little chicken, trapped in his henhouse, and Avallac'h is the Fox who will never let her go. Eredin says The Wild Hunt is real, and these baby kidnapping female wraiths are led by Avallac'h himself, and this is why Avallac'h leaves each night.

Eredin tells Ciri that Avallac'h is murdering evil pregnant women who do not want their unborn babies, then bringing the babies back here to the world of the Elves.

...and Avallac'h wakes up out of his comatose state to find Eredin telling Ciri this stuff about Avallac'h's past that Avallac'h REALLY didn't want Ciri to know.

Avallac'h responds to what Eredin is telling Ciri, by attempting to leap up and strangle Eredin. However, he is still to weak from his injuries and Eredin pushes the ancient mage aside, then gently puts him back in bed, while chiding Avallac'h for being foolish enough to think that at his age he could fight anyone, let alone Eredin. We see Avallac'h infuriated, both at Eredin, and at his own inability to fight Eredin.

Eredin accuses Avallac'h of being a traitor, sets up soldiers to guard Avallac'h's every move, and gives the orders to kill Avallac'h on sight, should he make any sudden attempts to flee with Ciri.

When Ciri questions what is going on, Avallac'h explains that he was not supposed to keep Ciri. Avallac'h had been ordered by King Auberon to go get Ciri and bring her back to King Auberon's palace in Tir na Lia, where she was to have a baby by King Auberon's, which Auberon planned to use as a living weapon to destroy the human race.

Avallac'h states he had agreed to get Ciri, but had not known she looked so much like his dead wife Lara. Upon discovering that she looked like Lara, Avallac'h took Ciri instead to wn palace on the Lake of Avalon, then put up the barrier to prevent King Auberon from taking her.

With Eredin's soldiers aiming weapons at him and threatening to kill him, Avallac'h reluctantly escorts Ciri to King Auberon's palace in Tir na Lia.

Ciri spends several weeks, nightly hopping between King Auberon's bed and Avallac'h's bed. Starting out each night with King Auberon, then ending each night with Avallac'h.

And we see the worst scenes of sexual abuse, molestation, and emotionally sadistic mind games, as King Auberon takes center stage, sexually abusing Ciri and malliscously taunting Avallac'h about Ciri looking like Lara.

Avallac'h begins running off more often, vanishing now sometimes for days to a time, as Ciri takes to searching for more info into his past and trying to find out where it is he runs off to.

Ciri starts to wish she had not caused the barrier to come down, regrets that they came to Tir na Lia, and wishes she and Avallac'h could go back to Avalon and bring Mommy Yennefer with them.

Ciri and King Auberon start fighting more and more, as hostility rises in everyone, with tensions growing worse between Auberon and Avallac'h every day.

Ciri starts spending less time with King Auberon and more time with Avallac'h... this time, on his boat (which Ciri says is made out of pink cotton candy, has no oars or sails, and is powered by Avallac'h's magic flute, which causes the boat to glide in the air over the water.)

With Ciri now spending more time on the boat with Avallac'h and seeing how he spends his days doing absolutely nothing but fishing all day long, we see the bond between Ciri and Avallac'h grow very strong, as Ciri desires to escape the life she lives and spend all of her days fishing on the boat, with long days of uninterrupted peaceful quiet.

Ciri looks forward to her morning horse rides around the lake and daily fishing trips on the boat with Avallac'h, and begins to dred each night that she has to go back to King Auberon's bedroom.

And then comes one boat right that ends in opening Ciri's eyes to the horrible truth of where Avallac'h's many thousands of children came from...

Upon leaving the boat, as usual, Avallac'h and Ciri head to the stables to check on the horses and find one of the stable boys, a child near Ciri's age (about 10 or 12 years old) is beating Avallac'h's beloved horse Rudy. Throwing rocks at the horse and beating it with sticks. Avallac'h has a total meltdown on the boy and drags him out of the stable by his ear, and drags the boy off to his lab, which Ciri has heard a lot about, but has not yet seen.

Ciri marvels here about the boy's ear... it isn't pointed. Ciri wonders if Elf children start out without pointed ears and grow them in later, and takes to walking about Avallac'h's gardens, looking for his children and looking at their ears, and pointing out that all of them are careful to keep their ears hidden. She can not see any of their ears, as all of them make sure to have their ears covered.

The next day, Ciri can not find Avallac'h and goes to the stables to get her pegasus Kelpie and go look for Avallac'h. There she finds 2 little girls crying. When she asks them what is wrong, they tell her the stable boy was their brother and since he has not returned, they fear The Fox has killed him (The Fox is how many address Avallac'h).

Ciri brushes their hair from their faces and noticed, they do not have pointed elf ears, and also they do not have slanted Chinese eyes like most Elves do. She asks the girls to show her their teeth, and Ciri is stunned to see they have pointed canine teeth and molars... things Elves do not have.

"You're Humans!" Ciri exclaims, and she tries to ask how it is Avallac'h has Human children, but upon realizing they've been revealed to not be Elves the 2 little girls run away terrified.

Starry Eyes shows up out of no where, as he always does, always there to answer Ciri's questions, no matter the time or place, with no explanation as to how he is always conveniently wherever Ciri needs him at exactly the right moment.

He tells Ciri he will show her where Avallac'h's Human children came from, and takes her to Avallac'h's lab.

The lab is locked with no way in, but Starry Eyes tells Ciri it is not the Lab he wanted her to see... it's the ravine behind the Lab she is to look at.

Ciri stares down into the ravine, uncertain what she is looking at, so Starry Eyes shoves Ciri off the cliff, causing her to tumble head first into a piles of freshly killed pregnant women, laying on top of piles of rotted corpse of pregnant women, on top of skeletons.

As Ciri stands up and looks around, she describes that as far as she can see, for miles to either end of the ravine, piled dozens deep, are tens of thousands of dead female, Humans, their bellies ripped open and hollowed out, their necks broken, strangled, with bruises and rope burns at their throats.

Starry eyes tells her: "He did this. The Fox." and then explains that this is where Avallac'h goes each night. He takes his Wild Hunt and goes to Human worlds all over the universe, kidnaps these pregnant women, brings them back here to his lab, cuts out their babies, strangles the women to death, then gives the babes to his wives to raise as though they were Elves.

Ciri is horrified by this sight, but refuses to believe Avallac'h could do anything like this and says it must have been King Auberon or SparrowHawk (Eredin).

By this point Ciri is too far blindly in love with Avallac'h to be willing to think he could do anything wrong and so she convinces herself that Avallac'h is not mass murdering pregnant women and raising their babies like his own, even though by this point Ciri has also see several instances of Avallac'h lose his temper and lunge at people's throats strangling them.

It is a common occurrence for Avallac'h to lose his temper with the ciritens of Tir Na Lia, and respond by strangling them, and have to be pulled off his victim to prevent him from killing them. And she saw him do this to Eedin as well.

Each time Ciri sees Avallac'h attempting to strangle someone, she says to herself: "This is a very dangerous Elf." But then she brushes the thought aside, when she sees how kind, caring, gentle, and loving he is most of the time, to her, his wives, his children, and his horse.

Ciri begins to compare Avallac'h and King Auberon both to her dead lover Mistel; stating that King Auberon was gruff and mean and nothing like Mistel, while Avallac'h was soft, quiet, and gentle like Mistel. And Ciri starts to see Avallac'h as a replacement for Mistel...

...and unfortunately, because Ciri starts to compare Avallac'h to Mistel, Ciri starts to grow highly sexually attracted to Avallac'h and starts asking him to have sex with her, which upsets Avallac'h deeply, as he points out to Ciri yet again, he is asexual, has no interest in sex, he didn't even have sex with Lara whom he loved, and just wants to spend time with Ciri.

Avallac'h tells Cirii he likes having her around because she listens to him talk, and talks with him like he was a normal person. She does not treat him differently the way everyone else does.

Ciri, takes to daily screaming fits, bitch feast meltdowns, crying, pouting, demanding, throwing herself on the ground and holding her breath, and threatening to kill Avallac'h with the sword he gave her, if he doesn't have sex with her.

We see Ciri turn into total creepazoid sexzila, as she becomes insanely abusive of Avallac'h because of his refusal to have sex with her.... which results in him locking the door of his room at night, and when Ciri flees King Auberon's bed each night to run to Avallac'h's bed, Ciri is often left in the hall screaming herself hoarse while beating the door down and demanding Avallac'h open the door and have sex with her.

While Avallac'h continues to talk about wanting a baby with Ciri and we see him start building the massive Nargfal (Caranthir's ship seen in the game) as a gift for their baby, he continues to display ever more fear of sex and refuses to get Ciri pregnant, stating it's King Auberon's destiny to father the child.

When face to face with Ciri and her telling him, she'll have sex with him and give the baby to him, not King Auberon, we see Avallac'h terrified at the thought of having sex, terrified to actually make a baby... terrified that once he finally does, he'll be thrown away, now useless to everyone and needed by no one.

Avallac'h's mind is so emotionally crippled by King Auberon's obsession with Avallac'h being a breeder, that Avallac'h is terrified that if he ever does get a female pregnant, he'll be killed simply because his purpose for being kept alive, is over... resulting in his remaining a virgin, and absolutely refusing to have sex with anyone.

Avallac'h fears that the Elves will turn on him and murder him, the same way they turned on his beloved wife Lara Dorren and murdered her.

Lara was the last fertile female and was raised, like Avallac'h, to be a breeder. Neither Lara nor avallac'h was given a choice in being a couple. They were simply a breeding pair. And while Avallac'h had accepted this fate as his destiny, Lara rebelled against it and defied King Auberon's orders to be a breeder, by having sex with a human and getting pregnant with a half-human.

Avallac'h himself said love was more important and did not try to seperate Lara from her human lover, but King Auberon branded Avallac'h a traitor for siding with Lara.

Lara was murdered by the Elves as a traitor to her race, and Avallac'h lived in terror that he would be murdered next.

Seeing how little value he had outside of his destiny to be a breeder, led Avallac'h to hoard up hundreds of wives, but not have sex with any of them. In public Avallac'h was overly sexual with his wives, and in private kept his distance from them, as a public show of living up to his "breeder destiny" was kept up to prevent King Auberon from executing him.

That Avallac'h lived every day of his life in nortal terror that he'd be killed if he did not keep up the appearances of being a breeder, also showed us the levels of cruelty of King Auberon.

King Auberon's levels of sadistic cruelty are seen magnified, when King Auberon first orders Avallac'h to go get Ciri and breed her, but then when King Auberon sees that Avallac'h is falling in love with Ciri, he changes that order, and demands Ciri be brought to King Auberon, for Auberon to breed her instead... just so King Auberon can take sadistic delight in tormenting Avallac'h.

The emotional abuse Avallac'h lives with under King Auberon's rule, causes no one to question Avallac'h's guilt, when King Auberon is finally murdered by Eredin, who framed Avallac'h for the murder, making it look like Avallac'h killed the king in a jelosue fit over Ciri.

The fact that Avallac'h is 2,000 years old and literally knows nothing about life other then how to be a breeder, shows the extremely disturbing levels of brainwashing, imprisonment, and social isolation he has spent his life in... and leads us to realize, why he is capable of such extreme measures, when he discovers the existence of abortion.

When Avallac'h encounters Humans, he is horrified by the fact that, they put so little value of life, that abortion bitches exist in throungs, just lining up at doctors' offices to mass murder their unborn babies.

The rope was added to his belt in the game because in the novels, he carried a rope, which he used to strangle abortion bitches at abortion clinics.

If you pay attention, you will notice that I also added his hunting knife to his belt as well.

Again, this is because we are told in the novels, that after strangling the abortion bitches to death, he cuts out their babies and takes the babies back to his palace in Avalon, where they are raised by his 500+ wives.

Elves in the Witcher novels are sterile and reproduce by cloning. When an Elf is found that is fertile they become heavily protected and glorified as gods and goddesses.

At the time of the novels, only 3 male Elves were known to be fertile: King Auberon, Avallac'h, and Eredin. But there were only 2 fertile female Elves: King Auberon's wife Shaindel and her daughter Lara Dorren.

Fertile Elves were known as "Elder Bloods" because they still possessed the ability to reproduce.

(no - in the novels, Elder Blood had NOTHING to do with magic powers or super abilities, like the game told you - it simply means the person is fertile and able to reproduce naturally - that's why we saw 68 people try to get Ciri pregnent over the course of the novels.)

Shandiel died before giving birth, while Lara Dorren was still a fetus too undeveloped to survive. Avallac'h cut the fetus out of Shandel and then used his own DNA to keep the fetus alive in his lab, resulting in Lara Dorren being "born" in a jar in his lab.

Avallac'h raised Lara, thinking of her as his wife, but Lara saw him as her father. At the age of 21 Lara fled Avallac'h and married the human mage Creagannon.

Lara Dorren was the LAST FERTILE FEMALE ELF... and Avallac'h was the LAST FERTILE MALE ELF.

Because Lara left Avallac'h and got pregnant by a human, the entire Elf society branded her as "a witch" and a traitor... believing that she had condemned the Elven race to extinction.

Avallac'h, was seen as a renegade, bordering on being a traitor himself, because he refused to condemn Lara and instead forgave her, and tried to get her to come back to him, stating she could bring her baby and he'd raise it as his own, he didn't care that it was a half-human.

Lara was murdered by a mob of angry Elves less then a year later, when she was 8 months pregnant with Creagannon's baby.

Avallac'h tried to save Lara, but she bleed to death after he attackers cut her hands off. Avallac'h cut the baby out of her and intended to raise it, but he was attacked by the mob and fled to a nearby palace in a Human city, where he found a newborn Human baby.

Avallac'h swapped the babies and gave the Human baby to the mob, leaving Lara's baby to be raised by the Emperor of Nilfgaard.

Devastated over losing both Lara and her baby, Avallac'h commit suicide, then as a wraith set out to find the wraiths of women whom had died in childbirth, and formed a group called The Wild Hunt.

Lara and Avallac'h were the last 2 fertile Elves aka The Last of The Elder Bloods.

With the last 2 fertile Elves both dead, the Elf society was doomed to extinction.

Avallac'h and his Wild Hunt, went to Human worlds each night, looking for abortion clinics.

Babies are so rare in Elf society, with only 12 having been born in the past 100 years, that Avallac'h sees babies as the most valuable of all possessions a person can have.

For Avallac'h, to ability to have a baby is seen as the Holy Grail, and to see millions of babies slaughtered at birth by their ungrateful abortion bitch mothers, sends him to becoming a baby rescuing vigilante.

Avallac'h and his Wild Hunt is in the habit of hunting down pregnant women who are about to have an abortion. Kidnap them, taking them back to his lab, then strangling the abortion bitch to death, cut out her unborn baby, give it to his wives to care for, and toss the body of the ungrateful abortion bitch into the ravine behind his lab.

Lara's baby grew up to have twins, one of whom had a daughter, who was Pavatta's mother, who was Ciri's mother.

Ciri looked exactly like her 4th great grandmother Lara, so much, that Avallac'h believed she was Lara reincarnated and come back to him.

Avallac'h's story is told to the reader through flashbacks, as Ciri tells Mommy Yennefer where she went when she had "disappeared".

Avallac'h's entire story is narrated to the reader, in a flashback, told by Ciri, as Ciri tells Mommy Yennefer where she as been.

Interestingly, Ciri states that she lived with Avallac'h in Avalon for 8 years before moving to Tir Na Lia and living with King Auberon for 21 years (during which time Avallac'h moved to Tir Na Lia as well, and also lived with King Auberon, moving into the bedroom next door to Ciri's bedroom). And yet, Ciri was 12 years old when this happened and when she is telling this to Yennefer, Ciri is STILL 12 years old and we are told that Ciri was only missing for a meer 8 hours, not the 29 years Ciri claimed to have been living with Avallac'h as his wife.

Yennefer does not believe that Avallac'h, King Auberon, Eredin, The Wild Hunt, or The Aen Elle Elves are real, and states that Ciri made them all up, telling Geralt that everything Ciri claimed happened to her was just a drug induced hallucination caused by fisstech.

While Ciri maintains that Avallac'h is real and NOT just her imaginary friend, and Geralt also tells of meeting the Mysterious Elf and states that the creature he meet seemed to be a lich (a type of very powerful wraith) hiding it's true form behind the illusion of an Elf, and Regis admits that he has heard rumors and stories of this strange Ancient Unseen Elder who could take any form and was the source of Ciri's Elder Blood... EVERYONE ELSE thinks Ciri's story is just Ciri having sex fantasies about an imaginary friend as a way to cope with Mistle's recent murder... only Geralt and Regis believe Ciri's story of her time with Avallac'h as being true.

And from Ciri we learned...

Avallac'h was the King of Avalon who was also King Auberon's court mage... Avallac'h was the leader of The Wild Hunt (a group od female wraiths whom had died in childbirth) who lead the Wild Hunt to human worlds each night in search of pregnant women about to have abortions, to rescue the babies and execute the women for murdering their babies.

Avallac'h's whole story was focused fully on babies. He was the baby rescuing vigilante. He was fully 100% non-stop baby obsession.

To see Avallac'h in the game without babies is... odd and insanely out of character for him.... it's just as odd as seeing Ereidin leading the Wild Hunt and seeing the Wild Hunt as males. (In the novels Eredin lead The Red Riders, a group of male elves who rode red dragon-like horse-beasts, while Avallac'h lead The Wild Hunt, a group of female wraiths - we even see a scene of Eredin and his Red Riders, greeting Avallac'h and his Wild Hunt when Avallac'h takes Ciri to Tir ni Lia to meet King Auberon). No clue why they changed all that in the game.

Avallac'h is the good mage whom people called The Knowing One, and who was said to be the most righteous of all the Holy Grail Knights from The Round Table, because he had never shed innocent blood (it said he only ever killed women whom had had attempted abortions and rescued their babies and said he'd therefor never hurt anyone who was "innocent".). He's the one with 500+ wives and several thousand human children (rescued from abortion attempts) living with him. He was portrayed as a vigilante protector of babies who would have been aborted.

It said because Avallac'h had never shed innocent blood and was a pacifist fully against vengeance and retribution, that no animal or monster feared him and that's why he had Archespores, Barbagazi, Vampirodes, Knockers, and tens of thousands of other monsters in his care and that's why the Druids worshiped him as a God, calling him The Unseen Elder God.

Avallac'h, like Ciri had Elder Blood and like Ciri was hunted and tortured most of his life because of it. He had no motive to want Ciri for her Elder Blood like everyone else did, because he too was an Elder Blood, and he was hell bent on protecting her from people who were hunting her because he didn't want her to go through the things he had gone through (his parents, siblings, and pet ocelots were all tortured to death when he was a child, because of his Elder Blood).

Avallac'h lived on a boat in the Lake of Avalon, people called him The Fisher King because all he did was fish all day on his boat. He had 5 favorite wives who went with him everywhere in addition to Ciri who he made head wife over the others.

Avallac'h is the one who made Ciri Queen of Avalon, turned Ciri into The Lady of the Lake, gave Ciri her sword Zireael, gave Ciri her horse Kelpie, and took her horseback riding and on boat trips.

Ciri lived with Avallac'h as his wife in the palace on the Lake of Avalon for 8 years, and she called Avallac'h her best friend and the only person she could trust because he was the first and only person who was ever good to her.

In the novels previous, we had seen men chasing after Ciri all trying to be very sexual with her, and Ciri pulling away from every one of them. With Avallac'h we see 3 dozen references to him and Ciri snuggling, nuzzling, cuddling, hugging, and embracing, and oftentimes Ciri being the one instigating it. There are no scenes of Ciri with Avallac'h where we are not told where Avallac'h's hands are, and he's always got his hands on Ciri stroking and caressing her. We see one scene of Ciri comparing Avallac'h to Mistel and trying to convince herself that she is not in love with Avallac'h, because she has to stay faithful to Mistel.

Avallac'h talked constantly not stop about wanting to have a baby with Ciri, but never did anything to act on that. Ciri at first states she hates children and not only will never have any babies but states she will kill any baby she sees because she feels a need to "rescue the mothers from those evil parisiste". Later she tells Avallac'h she'll have his baby just because he's so obsessed with wanting one, but she'll only give it to him on the condition that he sends her back home to Mommy Yennefer.

Avallac'h wants Ciri more then he wants a baby, it turns out so he comes up with this whole story of how he can't have sex with her and she has to have a baby with King Auberon.... except Avallac'h knows Auberon will never have sex with a human, so Ciri will never get pregnant that way.

King Auberon and Avallac'h were fighting over Ciri because they both wanted a baby from her, but King Auberon wanted to use the baby as a weapon to kill humans, while Avallac'h just wanted to replace his dead family (his wife Lara was 8 months pregnant when she died). Avallac'h begane drugging Ciri and King Auberon with fisstech to prevent Auberon from having sex with Ciri, because he didn't want Auberon killing humans, and because he was terrified that King Auberon would kill him if Ciri ever got pregnant by someone other then Avallac'h.

Ciri went into a sex crazed meltdown, angry because Avallac'h was refusing to have sex with her, and angry that Avallac'h was trying to prevent King Auberon from having sex with her too, so she spent 8 weeks training her mind so that Avallac'h couldn't read her thoughts anymore, so she could sneak up on him and rape him.

Not fully understanding why he was terrified to have sex, Ciri attacked and raped Avallac'h 3 times, with him running away from her each time, so she broke his legs so he couldn't get away then raped him again. Which resulted in him finally fighting back and punching her in the face, breaking her jaw and knocking out most of her teeth, then strangling her and nearly killing her. Ciri only got him to stop by saying "I'm Lara", which put him into a state of shock and he was never able to talk again.

Eredin and most of the city of Tir Ni Lia witness this event and so Eredin uses this to frame Avallac'h and Ciri for King Auberon's murder, making it look like Avallac'h killed King Auberon in a jealous fit over Ciri.

Ciri finds King Auberon's body so Eredin then says Avallac'h hired Ciri to kill the king and Ciri and Avallac'h become branded as criminals wanted for King Auberon's murder. The game picks up the story from there, completely ignoring all events after this.

Ciri, with the help of Starry Eyes escapes the Elves, during a sword fight with Eredin, attempts to go back for Avallac'h to take him with her, but Starry Eyes doesn't wait and zips Ciri off the planet before she can make it back to Avallac'h, thus leaving him to fend for himself against Eredin's warriors, which Ciri states she regrets doing, and is horrified to see the world start falling apart, as Avallac'h's illusion spells fall apart, and she sees him and the world for what they really look like (a giant Cthulhu-like, planet-sized serpent in a desert wasteland, the entire desert for miles around piled with mountains of corpses of dead women... revealing that Avallac'h truly was an Elder God and the source of Elder Blood).

Outside of the one time during the rape scene when he was fighting back in self-defence, he never did anything even remotely bad or evil.... the only thing that branded him as an evil villain was the ravine full of dead pregnant women who were about to have abortions and a palace full of thousands of children who were their rescued babies, and the statues of the Unruly Children whom he'd got mad at. He was portrayed as being very kind and loving with Ciri and Ciri stating he was the most gentle person she had ever known. Avallac'h was so kind, loving, and gentle with her, that when everyone keeps telling her he's killing pregnant women, she refuses to believe it, and when she finally sees the ravive full of dead bodies, Ciri outright states Avallac'h couldn't have done it.

Seen later, near the end of the series, as The Fisher King, now in a human form, no longer appearing in his Elf illusion, Avallac'h never speaks or walks again, takes to doing nothing but swimming and fishing. He stays in the water of the lake the rest of his life because the icy water is the only thing that eases the pain of his crippled legs.

Ciri went back to Avalon after Geralt and Yennefer died and they (Geralt and Yen) were able to be alive again there because Avallac'h's illusion spells that made the desert planet come alive with trees and plants and animals and people, but they couldn't ever leave, because they weren't really alive, it was all just a massive illusion powered by the blood of the tens of thousands of dead pregnant women, whom Avallac'h was strangling to death each night, then cutting their babies out.

But Ciri was a-okay with millions of women being murdered for the rest of eternity, so long as it kept the illusion that Geralt and Mommy Yennefer were still alive.

So Ciri never again left Avalon, taking up the role of Queen of Avalon once again, taking care of the crippled, mute Fisher King, becoming his lover in addition to being his wife, and we see her Dryad mutations finally take hold with Ciri becoming The Lady of the Lake.

And we are told that 10,500 years of bliss passes for Ciri, who has finally found a life free from being hunted at last... isolated, on the Lake of Avalon, the mists of Avalon creating a barrier that separates and protects her from the evils of the world, alone with only the mute, crippled Fisher King for company, and the illusion of Geralt and Yen still alive, even though they are not.

The very last sentence of the very last novel, Ciri questions if she loved Avallac'h or Mistel more, and says she felt guilty for having crippled him because he'd never done anything to hurt her and had always been kind and loving to her... then seconds later she meets Sir Galahad and leaves The Fisher King to go to Camelot, while plotting to rape and murder Sir Galahad for interrupting her peaceful life on the Lake of Avalon, and declares killing and raping men is a-okay as long as she does it in Mistel's name and honour. (I'm thinking... Ciri what the fuck???)

Avallac'h in the novels, carried a rope that he used to strangle abortion bitches with, and carried a hunting knife that he used to cut out and rescue their unwanted babies.

And at the very end, Ciri's "happily ever after" comes when she spends 10,5000 years ordering Avallac'h to continue to nightly strangle pregnant women to death, just so Ciri can be pampered with her illusionary version of Mommy Yennefer and Geralt (showing us how truly disturbing, purly cold hearted, and deeply psychotically evil a super villain Ciri really is.)

The rope Avallac'h used to strangle pregnant women, and the knife he used to cut out and rescue their would have been aborted babies, was a central part of Avallac'h's character in the novels and in the game, while we see the rope and knife in his bedroom at the lab of Pali Gap, we never see him carrying with him the rope and knife.

That is why I added the rope and knife to his belt in the game.

And yes, I do like Avallac'h BECAUSE he devotes his life to killing every last fucking abortion bitch in the universe. Avallac'h rescues babies and kills abortion bitches and I love him for it.

And those who never read the novels and asked why a psychotically deranged streamer gathered up 712 equalill psychotically deranged viewers, and spent 4 months daily raiding my channel with the raid message "deserve to be raped"... now you know.

These psychotically deranged Ciri fans, who are why I turned chat off, are so in love with brown nosing Ciri's piss ant, baby murdering, abortion bitch, rapist ass, that they saw nothing wrong with viciously attacking a rape victim whose had 7 miscarriages and suffers from severe post traumatic stress disorder caused by having been brutally raped, left unable to have children, and spent 5 month paralyzed and 18 months relearning to walk.


I identified, empathize, and sympathized with Avallac'h because:

  • I was raised in a child prostitution ring and was raped daily, multiple times since I was 8 years old, until I escaped from my captures when I was 31 years old
  • meaning I KNOW EXACTLY what it is like to be raised as breeder, seen as worthless and useless beyond how much money being raped by Mormon priests makes for my uncles
  • I had 7 miscarriages and therefor know EXACTLY what it is like to want nothing more then to have a baby, and be horrified to discover that there exist millions of jackass bastards who murder babies that they could be giving to someone to actually wanted them
  • I have severe post traumatic stress disorder caused by having been brutally raped, my internal organs are messed up so bad that surgery can not fix it, I have no control of bodily functions, and have spent most of my life having to wear adult diapers because I have no clue when I have to pee or defecate... to avoid accidents I have to keep a timer on, and use the bathroom every 2 hours when the timer goes off.... something you see every day throughout my daily 12 hour streams
  • among other things, my hip, knee, and spine was broken with a baseball bat, resulting in I spent 5 month paralyzed and 18 months relearning to walk... and you see me streaming from bed because I have been crippled the rest of my life.... today I am no longer in a wheelchair and can walk for limited distances with a cane, but I will never again run, dance, or mountain climb
  • also, I am asexual.
  • I am continually baffled by society's' constant obsession with sex;
  • I fail to understand why someone would WANT to have sex
  • I find the thought of sex repulsive
  • I see the onslaught of perverted, lewd, dick joking, boob obsessing posts that flood Twitch's chat to be horrifying... and I am utterly disgusted with just about 99% of what I see posted in most streamers' chats
  • I am reviled by the fact that Twitch chat is nothing but a den of sex crazed perverts incapable of intellectual conversation
  • heck, I'm the author of 130+ novels, not one of which is Erotica, all of which focus heavily on showing rape from the victims horror filled point of view, and ultimately shows the rape victim murder their rapists...
  • and yet, readers constatly call me an Erotica author, constantly bill my work as "the best rape fantasy erotica ever written" (I've one several awards saying that and refused to accept any of them)...
  • I remain baffled ad confused as to why society glorifies sex to such an extent, that they can view the act of rape as Erotica
  • I HATE that people call me an Erotica author and list my work as Rape Fantasy Erotica

meaning I KNOW EXACTLY what it is like to be horrible maimed, crippled by a violent rapist, and never again be able to live a normal life... while also being an asexual person, baffled by the sex crazed society I live in

I understand Avallac'h

And so to see a character, like Avallac'h who devotes his life to killing rapists and abortion bitches, and rescues babies... a man whose life was destroyed by bastards murdering his wife, bastards rapiing and crippling him... you look at the hell I've been through and you ask why I like him?

I empathize with Avallac'h on levels you can't even begin to image.

I sympathize with Avallac'h, because I know EXACTLY what he went through and what drove him to become what he became.

I am constantly asked by streamers and varios chatters why I so rarely post in anyone's chat...





Every time I do or say anything in my streams, there is always someone in chat to translate a sexual meaning to what I said or did!

Every time I say anything in some one's chat there is always someone in chat or even the streamer themselves, to translate a sexual meaning to what I said!





I hate that I can't talk to ANYONE, ever, at all, anywhere, without the person I'm talking to, twisting my words around and mis-translating everything I say to have so hidden sexual meaning.

It is very frustrating.

Do you realize, I can't even talk about editing Avallac'h's 3D model with other 3D graphics artists here on Twitch, because every time I ask for help with the editing, I get some snarky answer about sex shot back at me?

No... really...

...because Avallac'h is shorter, skinnier, and over all just so much smaller than Geralt, this also means that most every piece of armor, pants, boots, and gloves in the game does not fit him and can not be used.

Every time I want to use a armor piece from Geralt's collection, I have to open up the 3D model in blender and physically change the size of it to fit the size of Avallac'h's body.

Geralt has the thick neck, wide chest, and broad shoulders, in addition to being taller then Avallac'h... all of these aspects of the armor must be changed in order to make the armor fit on Avallac'h.

While I have changed the sizes of the robe-like pieces (Ursine chest armor, Oathbreaker chest armor, and Redanian Halberdier chest armor) so that Avallac'h can wear them, most of the armor in the game remains unusable for the Avallac'h playthrough, just because it is so time consuming to change so many 3D models.

Interestingly, while Avallac'h is overall smaller then Geralt and most pieces, are laughably too big to fit him.... the gloves and boots have the opposite problem.

As it turns out, Avallac'h's hands and feet are disporpotionaly big for his, otherwise very small, thin body, and are quite a bit larger then Geralt's hands and feet.

Meaning that while chest and pants pieces are too big for Avallac'h to wear... gloves and boots are too small for Avallac'h to wear, with his fingers and toes clipping through the ends of the gloves and boots.

In order to make the gloves and boots wearable, I had to increase the size of the boots and gloves to make them fit Avallac'h. However, only a few pieces are changed, and most do not fit him and can not be used.


Well, at the time I started editing Geralt's cloths to fit on Avallac'h's 3D model, I had never done ANY 3D edited EVER, not once in my entire life!

I knew absolutely nothing about 3D editing or how to go about making Geralt's armor resized to fit on Avallac'h so I could use it in the game.

Most of the Twitch streamers I watch are 3D graphics artists, JUST BECAUSE I wanted to learn how to edit the 3D models in the game.

When I was trying to edit Geralt's boots to make them fit on Avallac'h, I asked a 3D artists, during one of her streams, how to do such a thing, as it was the type of work she was currently doing in her stream.

When I explained I needed to change the size of Geralt's boots to fit on Avallac'h because Avallac'h's feet were bigger then Geralt's, rather then answer my question how to change the size of the 3D model, she she spouted off a ton of lewd, perverted sex tak, started accusing me of being into foot fetishes, and then instigated her entire chat, to make lewd sex jokes about "foot porn".

The entire next 3 hours of her stream was devoted to talk about PornHub, Erotica, and making fun of me about Avallac'h... her chat... a group of around 30 people that day, joined in, and spent the rest of the stream spewing sex jokes at me and Avallac'h.


I never did get an answer to my question of how to change the sizes of the 3D models of Geralt's boots to make it so Avallac'h could wear them in the game and went to YouTube in search of how to videos there instead, so I wouldn't have to deal with any more harassment from streamers and their chats in live streams.

If This Video Is Active, I'm Live Streaming Right Now...

Watch live video from EelKat on

Ads by Amazon

Ads by Amazon

Ads by Amazon

About This Game Play:

This current mod-making playthrough, is prep for a future fully-lore-friendly playthrough....

The ultimate goal of my mod making playthrough, is to make every character as lore-friendly as possible to how they were described in the novels.

Most specifically though we are transforming as much of the game as possible to match Chapter 5 of the novel Lady of the Lake, when Ciri lived with Avallac'h the first time, on The Lake of Avalon.

This current playthrough is largely a lot of test runs of hundreds of mods. It is being played open world with quests rarely happening, to allow us to run tests of various mods as I build them.

Due to the fact that the game engine, scripts, and other files is often open and being edited while I'm playing the game, this current playthrough is very unstable with bugs and glitches happening  daily and game crashes happening, sometimes as often as every few minutes.

You are witnessing a live overhaul and full rewrite of the game, that when finished will be used in a complete (more normal style) playthrough of the game.

However do not expect to see the lore-friendly playthrough any time soon. 

I began building this overhaul mod May 13, 2018 and have worked on it daily for 4 to 12 hours a day, all of it streamed here on Twitch, and... 

...while we've now altered over 2,000 script files, more than 7,000 textures, several hundred meshes, 400+ xml files, dozens of ini files, and have now begun work on changing 3D models...

...this project is far from finished and could see as much as another 3 years of daily work before completion.

List of Mods Used On The Avallac'h Playthrough:

Computer  stats: 

Motherboard: Asus Z170

Processor: i7-7000 @4.20GHz

RAM: 16 GB

Graphics Card: NVirdia 1070 GTX

Capture Card: AVerMedia Live Gamer HD

NOTE: Chat is set to emote only on my Twitch channel and my personal contact information has been removed from my website and every place else, due to the HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of false reports of "information", along with vile hateful memes about the murder of my family being sent to me by trolls who think mocking the murder of my family is funny.

FBI Agent Andy Drewer out of the Portland, Maine FBI office is in charge of the of the April 10, 2015 kidnapping of my 12 children by 14 Ku Klux Klan men who invaded our home and the subsequent May 15, 2015 murder of 10 of the 12 whom had their heads nailed to my front door. If you have information about the case, give it to him not me. He can be reached @ +1-(207)-774-9322 

FAQs: I just tried to raid your channel and Twitch canceled the raid. Gave me a message saying it wasn't allowed. Why can't I raid your channel?

#FAQs: I just tried to raid your channel and Twitch canceled the raid. Gave me a message saying it wasn't allowed. Why can't I raid your channel?


I turned off raids back in 2018, when a big partnered streamer, with several thousand regular viewers, started sending their followers to my channel to post the message in my chat "deserve to be raped"  with many of them posting a lot of sexual stuff, and most of them saying stuff about how women who wore hijab (I wear hijab, btw) were "really whores and prostitutes hiding their true nature" and were "hiding their bodies to entice men even more, so deserved to be raped because they were asking for it". Along with a lot of them chanting "bitties for titties" and saying "flash your boobs". Plus making lots of racist slurs and other hate comments. It was really vulgar the stuff they were saying.

Well, my channel rarely has more than 10 viewers at a time, and suddenly these people showed up 700 to 2,000 of them all at once. 

They completely flooded my chat. 

Every day. 

For weeks. 

It was a total nightmare. 

They would show up every single stream and it was very difficult to get it under control because my channel was so tiny and they were so many and I was just one person. 

It was nearly impossible for me to stream at all, because I had to stop what I was doing to ban so many of them one after another. And they would create alternate accounts as fast as I banned them. It was the first time I had to deal with trolls and I was completely unprepared for it.

In my mind, I had thought trolls would just be 1 person here or there, so no big deal to deal with on my own without mods. I had never heard of "witch hunting channels" before, so I had no idea there was such a thing as huge channels who would pick a tiny channel then tell their viewers to take up a call to action to attack the small channel.

At the time, I had no mods and no chat bots, just used Twitch's autobot and myself for modding chat. I had never needed mods or a chat bot before. My channel is tiny and I make no attempt to grow it. I'm content with a small channel. My topic is very niche, so not many are going to be interested in my streams. It's just me sharing my rather niche hobby with others in the hobby, so I never expected my channel to be big enough to need mods or a chat bot. At the time I had the mind set that trolls only attacked big channels. You know to start drama in order to get their 15 minutes of fame, so I had not even considered that trolls ever went after tiny channels. I was very naïve about the nature of trolls back than.

So it was very difficult to get on top of it. I immediately modded several of my regulars so they could help me with banning the trolls. And I added 7 chat bots (NightBot, StreamElements, MooBot, WizeBot, ect) to my chat and added all the vulgar, lewd, toxic, racist, and hate slur words the trolls were using in my chat to the bots' blacklist of banned words.

It was silly of me to think that just because my channel was very tiny, that trolls would never be a bigger problem than I could control on my own. This same group continues to to this day to sexually and racially harass me on Twitter, FaceBook, even here on Reddit *(go through my profile and look at the replies to the majority of my comments, on Reddit and you'll see them - pro-Nazi, Jew-hating, white-power, deserve to be raped comments)* 

They've all been blocked on Twitch, but around 800 of these haters follow me to every single social network they can find me on and some sites don't have easy ability to block and ban trolls. They started doing it in 2018, and it's now 2021 and a comment I made on Reddit less than 24 hours ago, they attacked simply it simply because I was the one who commented and for no other reason. 

They found me via a Twitch raid by a very hateful (and now perma-banned) Twitch streamer, who made a habit of actively seeking out female streamers who had shared a story of surviving rape and raiding them with the message "deserved to be raped".

November 14, 2013 - 3 rapists attacked me in a parking lot, a blond woman in her 60s, he bald son in his 30s, and her redhaired sister... the police have not been able to identify them, but their is no one in this town who does NOT know who they are... the woman's husband, is the man who drove the backhoe over my house August 8, 2013...

November 14, 2013 - 3 rapists attacked me in a parking lot...

*I was 8 months pregnant, they killed my baby, 

* broke my hip, legs, and spine, 

**with metal golf clubs**, 

* crushing my spinal column and destroying the nerve bundle - 

* they left me for dead - doctors say it's a miracle I'm even alive - 

* it is why I am bedridden, 

* can't even bath or use the toilet on my own - 

* most of the left side of my body is dead, like one who had a stroke - 

* tremors in my hands are so bad I need help do basic things like eating and getting dressed - and is why I can no longer play console games and can only play mouse driven point & click games - thus WHY I switched to a Witcher 3 exclusive channel - yes I play Witcher 3 almost entirely one handed and with **JUST A MOUSE**

* I have to wear adult diapers because my bladder and intestines have no feeling anymore so I don't know when I have to go - 

* I can barely breath my lungs are messed up now as well - 

**never underestimate the damage that 3 metal golf clubs can do to your body and its ability to function**

* I'm bedridden, these past 8 years and is why I took up streaming as there is little else one can do when stuck in bed 24 hours a day for the rest of your life - 

* and my profile has this information on it as how I got started streaming; this is why they chose the specific raid message "deserve to be raped".

Initially I was on the road to recovery - out of the wheelchair 5 months later and relearning to walk...

April 10, 2015, my children were kidnapped by 14 men who broke in, they had long metal poles with wire retractable nooses on the end. Held us down with those while using bricks to beat us with.

All 14 of the men had handguns. 2 of them held their guns to my head, while this was happening.

They smashed all of our furniture, shredded clothes and bedding and books; ripped cupboard doors off the walls, took knives to to pillows and the sofa ripped out the stuffing ... they acted like they were looking for something, but what ever it was they thought we had, they didn't find it... they left with 12 of our children

Meanwhile more then 70 of my neighbours gathered in the driveway to watch and not one of them did anything to help.

They arrived at 1PM and left 3 hours later. And more than 70 people, from more than a dozen houses and 4 condo complexes - stood there in my driveway for 3 hours watching - and no one tried to help. Not one single person.

My driveway at 146 Portland Ave, Old Orchard Beach, Maine... every neighbour from every house, on both sides of the roads, for at least 20 houses in each of all 4 directions... all left their houses, to walk down the road, to stand in my driveway - 146 Portland Ave, Old Orchard Beach, Maine... and watched, and cheered, and encouraged the attack.

Welcome to the Town of Old Orchard Beach, and the bastards who call themselves my neighbours.

May 15, 2015, the first of the heads was nailed to the door.

My family was kidnapped and a month later murdered.

And than June 2016... the original 3 - the blond woman, her bald son, and her redhaired sister - the 3 with the metal golf clubs from 2013 - the ones who murdered my baby - they returned, yet another parking lot, again just their 2013 attack, while I was putting bags on the backseat of my car, they came up behind me, slammed me into the side of the car, and attacked just like before, only this time with a shopping cart.

The 2016 attack, damaged my spinal column, worse than before.

The 2013 attack, the 3 of them left together in a 4 door white pick-up truck.

In the 2016 attack, the blond woman and her bald son left in a gold suv-wagon Volvo, while the redhaired woman left in a silver subaru. 

People ask today... why am I so obsessed with Avallac'h... look at the date I started playing Witcher 3. My family was murdered. I survived. I had a very large family. I'm not used to being alone. My home is filled with silence and memories at every turn. It's not that I am obsessed with Avallac'h, rather I need something to drown out the memories, a reason to live, that's what Avallac'h is - a line line. The only one I have right now. 

Plus - I could find no one I could identify with - few are raped so brutally that they are left crippled - in the novels Avallac'h was. Few know what it is like to survive your entire family being murdered - and again in the novels, Avallac'h survived when his wife and baby were murdered.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to find someone who knows what it is like, to be crippled, bedridden, shattered spine, unable to walk for the rest of your life, from such a brutal attack? To this day I've yet to find another real person who has survived what I survived. There is no one who understand what I went through, what I continue to go through.

And few people there are who've survived their family being kidnapped, and then not only murdered, but their heads, hands, and feet cut off and nailed to your front door?

How many people know what it is like to get u one morning to get your mail, and find THAT on your front door?

There is no one who understands.

And than, be someone who survived BOTH of those things, only 2 years apart.

What happened to me is so rare, that one else alive has ever been through anything like this, and there is no one for me to talk to. Not one person.  

That is WHY the obsession with Avallac'h. I could not find a real person who understood my pain, but I a fictional person, with a similar pain, a survivor of a similar event, and I can understand his pain. I sympathize very deeply with Avallac'h, because there exists no one who can can sympathize with me. 

I read the Witcher novels, March 2018. The game doesn't tell you Avallac'h's history, so playing the game, I had never felt a connection with Avallac'h. But than March 2018, 5 years after the first attack, 3 years after the 2nd, and 2 years after the 3rd, I finally found, someone whom had survived something similar. I identified with him, because there is no one else I can identify with, real or fictional. I started playing the game as Avallac'h May 13, 2018 - 2 days before the 4th anniversary of my family's murder.

The rape raiders of Twitch, thought my pain and suffering was funny. They found rape and murder to be things worthy of jokes, memes, running gags, teasing, and taunting.

And they are not a small group.

In total more than 300,000 Twitch members were involved in the rape raids.

That's a lot of people who support rape and think mocking the murder of my family is a fun pastime.

64 other female streamers have since come forward, also attacked by this same streamer and their rape supporting followers. Some were gamers, some were art streamers, some were just chatters, none of us had anything in common other than each of us had started streaming as a method of self therapy after surviving rape and had said so on our profile.

I have severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of the rape attack and murder of my baby, which left me unable to walk for the rest of my life.

And now, thanks to the "deserve to be raped" raids, Twitch raids, trigger panic attacks for me as well.

And ever since then, I've wanted nothing to do with raids. So I turned the raid option off.

And if you find yourself one of the 78 mods on my channel today - it's because you were here when the rape raids were happening and you DID NOT join the dipshits in their attacks, as did some of my regulars. You were modded simply because my chat is now emote only and you 78 mods are the ONLY people allowed to chat in chat.

You don't post in my chat any more. Did I do something wrong?

**NOTE: This also answers the question "What happened to the Dazzling Razzberry? It's been months since I've seen it."**

*You don't post in my chat any more. Did I do something wrong?*


You? No. 

Another streamer? Yes. 

And I was so utterly disgusted with it that I simply stopped using Twitch chat. 

April 2018, yes, a month before we started the Avallac'h Playthrough and 5 months before a single Avallac'h screenshot had ever been uploaded to my profile, while I was in the final weeks of the 3rd Geralt Playthrough, a 3D art streamer contacted me.

At the time, I was known around Twitch as the person to contact if you were about to play Witcher 3 and wanted help with anything. Because of her, I no longer do this.

She explained to me that she would soon be taking a vacation to Finland, and had stolen her brother's copy of Witcher 3, made an illegal copy of it, put it on her computer, and when she returned from Finland, she was going to start playing it n stream... and asked would I please lurk in her stream in case she needed help with the game.

I went to her channel the same day she contacted me, and she was making 3D models of a rack, a killing pear, and a Judas chair... medieval torture devices... which she explained to me she hoped to put in Witcher 3 as new game elements. She knew nothing of the Witcher series, she claimed, but had been told it was an easy game to add mods for, and she wanted to add a torture chamber to a game and felt this would be a good game to do it with.

A week later, still in April 2018, she had directly contacted me, said she had returned home from her vacation in Finland, and asked me to visit her stream, and when I did, she asked me a question about how to make mods for Witcher 3, claiming that she wanted to make a "dungeon torture chamber mod" using a set of 3d models of torture devices that she has made in Maya 3D software program, asking how to port such things as torture devices into Witcher 3, because she wanted to make a BDSM mod. I answered the question explaining how to build a mod like this and she, unknown to me, then took a snippet of what I said, took it out of context, and used it to make a meme about Avallac'h calling him a BDSM Fetish freak, while simultaneously calling me a BDSM Dominatrix. She did that August 2018, but I did not find out she did it until October 2019. 

It was what started the Deserve to be Raped raids and why 5 of her followers showed up at my house February 2019, beating up family members, doing $30k damages to my car, $230k damages to our home, hospitalizing 8 people, and raping 2 women.

The rape raids were sending 700 to 2,000 rape raiders to my channel daily. I turned off raids, banned usernames, added more words to autobot and nightbot, and turned on followers only. But they started doing "youtube style" raids once raids were turned off. They started following to by pass follower only, and  when "rape" became a banned word they started getting around it with "r@pe" or "rap3" or "r.a.p.e" etc. And they created new throwaway accounts as fast as me and my 78 mods banned them. At it's worst we were banning more than 2,000 usernames per stream.

Twitch support was not helpful. Their advice was "turn on emote only" while advising that I could get banned if I didn't stay on top of keeping the harassers out of my chat, because it was my responsibility to keep trolls out.

I turned on emote only August 2018.  I turn it off when a stream starts and with 15 to 20 minutes I have to turn it on again... right to this day.

Once someone gets fixated on you, they won't stop, and they'll use their Discord and the power of Twitter's cancel culture to gang up on you and gather huge hoards to help attack. 

I've not been able to have my chat turned on in almost 2 years. It's deeply distressing because, well the primary reason to use Twitch over YouTube IS chat interaction and sexcrazed men harassing female streamers like this is an enormous problem on Twitch.

I'm crippled. Bedridden. Because 3 bastard from that psycho bitch streamer's attack showed up at my house and beat me up with golf clubs and baseball bats. 

I used to do daily 9 hour streams. I'm an elderly senior citizen, for a long time I was the oldest stream on Twitch. I was already crippled from muscle disease, that made it near impossible for me to do anything, so didn't need rape crazed bastards with baseball bats and golf clubs to break my spine, crush my vertebrae, break my hip, and break both legs, and leave me paralyzed in bed for the rest of my life. I'm too weak to sit upright or hold my head up for more then 2 or 3 hours a day, and doing so caused extreme exhaustion with me blacking out for 12 hours or more afterwards. I'm not yet able to get up out of bed or sit up for very long, so it is still difficult for me to stream daily and streams are not very long yet, many have been only 40minutes long. Getting up to 3 hours has been incredibly difficult.

I can barely move my hands, do you have any idea how difficult it is for me to type? And every username has to be typed in to ban them, and with thousands and hour, you literally as a viewer, do absolutely nothing but watch me type ban username for hours on end.... for every single daily stream since August 2018. 

She made 200+ VODs and posted 2,000+ Discord posts calling me a dominatrix, saying I was into bondage, BDSM, and foot fetishes, including to post my home address in her Discord, telling her perverted, immoral, deviated followers to go my house to have sex with me, and some of her followers, did just that, expecting to find me willing to throw myself on them, expecting they could do anything they wanted to me.

Do you know why my family moved February 2019?

Because she and her followers were banned from harassing my chat, she sent her simps to my house, telling them to rape me.

At the time I was staying with my 82 year old disabled dad on his 3rd floor apartment, in a building that had 28 families in it.

To get in the building you have to go through a front entry hall, go through 2 separate sets of doors, and then find your way through the halls and stairways to find which apartment you are looking for.

Because a group of 5 men showed up at 2AM one night. They broke BOTH the 2 front doors off and threw them out into the street.

They made their way up the stairs, punched the glass and screens out of every window they passed on their way.

With baseball bats they smashed up all of the posts on the stair railings, broke the railings off the stairs and threw them out a window onto one of the resident's cars below.

They ripped the front door off the apartment next door to mine, went into that apartment and gang raped the 2 young mothers (sisters) who lived there with their 2 and 4 year old babies.

After that they went back outside, smashing the walls on their way down, pulling out electrical wiring and plumbing pipes as they went.

Once outside they proceeded to trash the 3 cars parked in the driveway, one of them being my Dazzling Razzberry. They used their bats to smash out the glass, and smash up the metal. This is why you've not seen The Dazzling Razzberry since February 2019. The Dazzling Razzberry no longer exists. And you know, it as one of the world's top ten most haunted cars, that's why I bought it December 2006. I still have it and it is being restored. The damages were very extensive and included the wheels being sawed off the axels, the metal bars that hold up the engines and the ones holding up the transmission, were also all sawed off. 

Do you remember the crazy church group lead by the mystery Mark, who sawed up The Golden Eagle, the World's Most Haunted Car, the real Christine that Stephen King based his fictional Christine off of... do you remember how much damage they did to that car May 15, 2010?

Well, this group did even more damage than that to The Dazzling Razzberry. Both cars are very rare antiques and difficult to get parts for. The Dodge, is one of only 5,000 ever made and one of fewer then 100 known to exist today, all parts have to be hand made, there are no parts out there for it, that's why we couldn't restore it, though we do still have it... the Volvo, while rare today, wasn't rare when it was new, and so parts exist for it, if you search far and wide and have enough money to buy them when you find them. The Dazzling Razzberry as such is being restore, but we need so many parts and they are so very expensive, that her we are now 2 years later and my daily driver is still not yet drivable.

They did more than $230,000 in damages to our landlord's building, put 2 women in the hospital, put my 82 year old dad in the hospital with a ruptured kidney, left 1 little 10 year old boy dead, left 28 families homeless, and totaled 3 cars, including my car The Dazzling Razzberry which they did $30,000 in damages to. EVERYBODY in the building had to move because the damages were so bad that the city condemned the building.

#FBI Agent Andy Drewer out of the Portland, Maine FBI office is in charge of the investigation of all of this. If you have information about the case, give it to him not me. He can be reached @ +1-(207)-774-9322

My channel went several years with never banning anyone. There was never a need to. Today, because of the deserve to be raped raids, my channel is ban heavy on extreemes ... you step out of line even an inch and you are gone, no warning, no time out, no grace period, no second chances... total zero tolerance for anything now

3 years ago I struggled to ban anyone, felt guilty about doing so; now I ban a dozen or more people every stream without batting an eye.

The deserve to be raped raids started out when she posted that meme she made on DisCord telling her DisCord followers a huge amounts of sex fanfiction lies she had made up about me as though it was actual fact. 800+ of her Discord followers started reposting her lies about me on Twitter, causing a group of radical right-wing, anti-sex extreemists to attack my Twitch channel, my Reddit profile, my Twitter account, and my FaceBook account.

Once she found out how easy it was to instigate people into these violent attacks, she started make 5hr long VODs about me, making up wild stories about my so-called "BDSM Dominatrix" career, with further enraged her DisCord followers, who gathered up even more of their Twitter followers to continue the attack.

Suddenly a mass flood of 300,000 -THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND- extreme radical anti-BDSM radical Christians mass attacked my Twitch channel, my Twitter, my FaceBook, and other places, with thousands of death threats and rape threats.

In total she made 200+ of these fanfiction BDSM fetish freak videos about me, and posted variations of her meme as a running gag in her Discord more than 2,000 times, inciting her followers to pure outrage and extreme levels of both online and offline violence.

I don't use Discord, as Discord is a phone app and I do not own a phone, so I have no way to use things like Discord or Tik-Tok or SnapChat that are phone only apps, and thus do not have accounts with any of those 3 or any other apps like them... I've not had a phone since Old Orchard shut down the switch board operator in 1979... I used to walk to the town hall to use the switchboard to call anyone, and after that was gone I've not access to a phone since... never put a land line in, and when cell phones came out, I never got one... phones, like TVs are very expensive and my income has never been more then $4,000 in any single year of my entire life... a phone service costs more per month than I make in 3 months. I can't afford a phone. So I don't have a DisCord account because I don't have enough money to even buy a phone let alone subscribe to a phone service, plus I'm in Maine, it's not like we have any cell phone towers here... there is no phone service up here unless we set up a satilight dish in own yard... I simple have no way at all to use Discord, because phone are not an option around here even if I did have enough money to buy one... so me not having phone means, me also not having a Discord account which also meant I was unaware of what she was doing and for nearly 2 years was unaware of the source of the deserve to be raped attackers.

As I am an extremist Christian myself (a 5th generation FLDS Mormon) who shuns all things related to sex, I was continually baffled by the steady daily influx of sex accusations, BDSM accusations, fetish freak accusations, and other highly sexual slander that was being accused of me in my Twitch chat.

November 10, 2018, I turned off chat. It returned February 2020 as emote only.

I tried to turn chat back on February 2020, and immediately her rape raid crew showed up. It's why I took a year off from streaming starting February 27, 2020. I not only stopped streaming, but I stopped watching streams as well. I just left Twitch. I got sick of being harassed. 

Now it's 2021 and I've been trying to come back to streaming but, I have post traumatic stress disorder a result of being raped and paralyzed with golf clubs November 14, 2013... and her rape raids have triggered severe PTSD anxiety attacks every time I try to click the "go live" button. 

I've streamed twice since January 1, 2021, and my attempt to return to daily streaming. The anxiety levels of trying to stream is through the roof. Her attacks not only did a lot of damage to my channel numbers (viewers/followers, subs, as her group lashed out at my viewers and followers, sending them death threats if they didn't unfollow and stop watching me) and the physical damage to my home, car, family, and neighbours, it's also done huge amounts of mental and emotional damage, and has set back years of theory, bringing to the surface once again my agoraphobia, I've not left my room in almost 2 years, I sometimes go weeks too scared to get off the bed... I had agoraphobia before because of being raped... and it took a team of psychiatrists and psychologists huge amounts of effort to help me to be able to go outside, and now I'm back to square one and can't go outside again... just too terrified to get near doors or windows... pointing out here, that she knew before she did this, that I had been raped, and that's, another thing she does... all the streamers she attack are rape survivors.

I had hoped taking a year off from streaming, I would able to go back to streaming... I used to stream daily but because of her attacks, it became sporadic, weekly, too scared to click "go live" any more. o I took a year off, hoping, she'd forget about me and leave me alone... I tried to do a test stream December 2020, didn't tell anybody, no announcements, nothing,just a test to see, if I could emotionally go live... I turned off emote only when I did it. 

The stream lasted under 15 minutes, and I turned it off because her followers attacked almost as soon as I had gone live. 

So emote only again, and though I was supposed to return to daily streams Jan 2021, there've only been 2 streams so far because, opening OBS triggers server PTSD anxiety attacks and I can't bring myself to click on the "go live" button.

I discovered what she was doing October 21, 2019, when she did a livestream on Twitch titled: **"Making Bjorn a BDSM Bondage Fetish Freak Just Like EelKat"**... seeing my name in the title of a stream baffled me, and I opened the stream to find her, yet again making 3D models of torture devices, this time, making a male BDSM Dominatrix named Bjorn who looked and dressed near identical to Avallac'h, and watched as she and 37 members of her chat, spent 5 hours with the running gag "Just like EelKat" which involved someone saying something highly sexual, followed by the next person answering with "Just like EelKat"... the stream ended abruptly when a male voice from her Discord voice chat said: "EelKat's in your viewer list, she's watching this, better take it to Discord."

One of her mods, immediately sent me an invite to the Discord and said "You should probably see this, it's really bad. I'm sorry. I don't think she thought you'd ever find out."

And when I opened the DisCord, I saw, and downloaded and watched all 200+ of her VODs about me - which I still have copies of. And I read all 2,000+ of her posts about me.

Her Discord has a NSFW BDSM section and in it is a massive running gag, which involved those same 800+ people who near daily attacked my Twitch chat... there were 2 years of the running gag "Just Like EelKat", where every few minutes, all day and all night, to the tune of several hundred thousand posts over the course of 2 years... one person would post a vile sex act, and the next person would reply "Just like EelKat".

A large majority of the posts involved the commenter detailing how they would rape and kill me, by using BDSM to rape me to death. The more violent the rape details were, the more she encouraged them.

This is a HUGE streamer with a HUGE Discord and she attacked my tiny 300 follower channel, because that's what she does. She's a bully.

And since it happened to me, I've found 68 others she did this same thing to, some before me, some after me, some the same time as me. Most of them gave up streaming and deleted their channels because of her rape raids on their channels. And I've since learned that her username, in certain underground circles of the internet, is a "secret code word" that group used for "rape" in order to bypass NightBot bans of the word "rape" in Twitch chats. By posting her username in chat, they are saying "rape" without actually saying "rape".

Basically, her entire group is devoted to attacking small female streamers, specifically small female streamers who are survivors of rape, with rape threats.

And if you are wondering, why "deserve to be raped" is what they chanted...

Once upon a time, there was a very healthy person, very athletic... hiked 13 miles every day through rough uphill terrain, went mountain climbing, bench pressed 78lbs even though being only 5'6", raised horses and went horseback riding, had a very active social life with dozens of friends, played tennis and golf, got invited to a lot of "high society" dinners and events... and had a partner, always by their side, for 32 years... they were seen in many social circles as the ideal couple...

and then one day... unexpectedly, while groceries into the back seat of the car at 10PM on the way home from work, in a dark corner of the parking lot that had no lights... 3 men carrying metal golf clubs and metal baseball bats, appeared out of the bushes beside the parking lot and attacked.

They left when they thought the person was dead... but they were not dead, they were still alive, against all odds... but their spine was broken, their nerves crushed and severed by the shattered bones of their vertebrae... their pelvis bones crushed, their hips bones obliterated, their knees shattered... they were paralyzed completely for 5 months, and then spent 18 months relearning to walk... but, the spinal column was damage beyond repair, and even after being sent to the best neurosurgeon in the country, the diagnosis was it couldn't be operated on... these particular nerves, it's a miracle this person can still speak or move their arms, that they ONLY lost movement from the chest down, defies medical logic, and no doctor dares touch those nerves, because of 74% chance, doing so, will make that person a vegetable.

They are bedridden now, crippled forever. Regaining movement in one leg but not the other, so can get up and walk, IF the dead dragging leg was the ONLY problem... but nerves control so much of your body, and a damaged spinal column, controls for more than just your legs.

This person no longer has control of bodily functions and has to wear adult diapers, that they can't change themselves... they have no way of knowing if they need to piss or shit and need a caretaker to change their diaper a few times a day.

Nerves in your spinal column also control things like heart and lungs, so breathing is now difficult and the heart needs monitoring because, well, it doesn't always work right anymore.

Nerves also control muscles, so tremors and twitches and seizures are all daily events now that make things like writing and typing very difficult.

There is so much more... but you get the idea... this person, once very active and very healthy, was suddenly and unexpectedly, brutally attacked, left for dead, and is now paralyzed for the rest of their life and left with many millions of hospital bills and countless health issues they they had no idea could be cause by a severed spinal column.

Yes, I am the person with the broken spine. 

That happened to me.

I'm crippled because 3 rapists with golf clubs, attacked me in a parking lot November 14, 2013. I was 8 months pregnant, they killed my baby, broke my spine, and the man I lived with for 32 years, said it was too much to deal with. 

He said it didn't look good if he didn't have a hot woman on his arm when he arrived at tennis matches. He said he had to "keep up public appearances".

I can no longer hike 13 miles a day, no longer bench press 78lbs something most men twice my size can't even do, can’t mountain climb or ride horses. I can't even get out of bed to take a piss in my bathroom 6 feet away.

THAT is the event she was mocking and making jokes about, and is what she and her Discord crew were talking about when they were chanting "deserve to be raped" in my chat.

She is a vile, evil, witch hunting cyberbully, who takes sadistic delight in obliterating the reputations of small streamers, by spreading hateful, malicious, slanderous sex lies about them. She is an absolutely horrible person.

Since the discovery of what she did (October 21, 2019) I no longer post anything in anyone's chat, at all. Chat on my channel is off and I don't post in any one else's chat either. I completely want nothing to do with Twitch chat at all anymore. 

I have severe anxiety attacks now just seeing a Twitch chat on any channel. Thankful Twitch has the open to hide chat and just watch the stream's video player now. I've not used Twitch chat in well over a year and I have no plans to go back to doing so.

So, yeah. There you have it. That's why haven't posted in your chat in a very long time. It's not you. I'm just having a very difficult time recovering from the deserve to be raped raids.

UPDATE: February 14, 2021... this has got to be the most revolting question I've ever received about streaming on Twitch. Let's answer it...

*is twitch racist? I recently started watching twitch, and for the past week every single ad i have gotten served has featured an all african-american cast. is this intentional? is this propaganda?*


Well, it **IS** Black History Month, so maybe there are more than usual right now, but I hadn't noticed. People are people, I tend to not notice what colour they are. 

Of course, I'm not white, so maybe that has something to do with it? I usually only notice skin colour when the Ku Klux Klan is in my driveway... which they are several times a year - 

* they put my elderly dad in a coma May 9, 2006, 

* they blew up my house with a grease fryer bomb October 16, 2006, 

* they cut my car in half May 5, 2010, 

* they left my cousin's head at the cross road 2 streets down from me June 12, 2013, 

* they drove a backhoe over my house August 8, 2013, 

* they broke my spine with metal golf clubs November 14, 2013, 

* they kidnapped 12 of my children April 10, 2015, 

* they returned the heads, hands, and feet of 10 of said children, nailed to my front door May 15, 2015. 

So, I'm rather familiar with how much white people hate us.

And these events, are just a few of the more than 200 such events, including 5 bombs and many more deaths, to happen tomy family sinceJune2001.

And my family, is just one of many these events happen to. That backhoe has driven over 140 homes, just on my street alone, just Portland ave. It drove over 70+ more on Walnut St, and another 45 on Acorn St, both streets can be seen from my driveway.

My neighbour to my left, has dozen of bullet holes in her barn, and an empty lot, because she could not afford to rebuild after the backhoe drove over her house June 2, 2001 - that was the very first attack.

My neighbor to my right, 2 houses down, the bomb that blew up their how caused a mushroom cloud that could be seen all the way to the next state well over 100 miles away.

The attacks are DAILY and have destroyed the lives of more than 2,000 families.

One town, taken over by the Ku Klux Klan, and taken over in numbers so vast, that the police are scared shitless, as Officer Bubby Will put it: "They form a small army, and we aren't equipped to deal with it."

Welcome to Old Orchard Beach, Maine - the town which has a billboard that says: "Welcome to Old Orchard Beach, Maine, the whitest town in the whitest state of America, 99.9% white in the 98% white state."

3,000 of our town's 12,000 residents are active members of the Loyal White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan.

Our town was founded by Gypsies, specifically my family, my 15th great-grandfather founded it in 1530.

Our town became a refuge for escaped slaves during the pre-Civil War era.

Frederick Douglass, Billie Holliday, and Louise Armstrong all lived in our town at various points of their lives.

In 1953 more than 5,000 French/Jewish concentration camp survivors settled in our town, built a temple and synagogue and 300+ hotels, turned our fishing village into a tourist resort town.

The Ku Klux Klan invaded our town June 2001, built 2 topless bars, several honky tonks, a casino, and 15 nightclubs, and it's been a living hell ever since.

I have to deal with shithead, racist bastards like you on a daily basis. Your question disgusts me.

>>>is twitch racist? I recently started watching twitch, and for the past week every single ad i have gotten served has featured an all african-american cast. is this intentional? is this propaganda?

No. Twitch is not racist... you are.

Do you even know what racist means? Clearly you don't or you would see how overbearingly racist your question is.

Only a racist pig would think advertising is propaganda based on the skin colour of the actors in the ads.

#FAQs: Are you a Satan worshiper?

Why? Because I help a homeless man, who you are scared of, because his entire body is covered with acid burns?

Do you even know your own religion?

Judge not lest ye too be judged by the same measuring rod with which you have judged.

As for the question of Satan Worship, I've already answered that elsewhere... I'll move those panels closer to the top so you can find them.

But before that, let me ask your so-called Christian mind, a few questions, let's see how well you know your Bible.

#1... Did you know Satan is NOT in the Bible? Nor does Satan originate from the Christian religion at all?

Had you ACTUALLY read your Bible and not just parroted back the CliffNote inaccuracies your pastor incorrectly preached to you on Sunday, you would have known, that Satan is NOT a character who appears in the Bible, nor nor does he originate from Christianity at all.

Satan first appeared in the novel "Paradise Lost" and was a "Christonized" version of the Pagan Horned God.

There is no reason for any Christian, who was ACTUALLY a Christian, and ACTUALLY knew their Bible, to believe in the existence of Satan at all, seeing how Satan is not part of Christian foundations.

If you CLAIM to be Christian, you can NOT also claim to believe in Satan and STILL be a Christian.

And all those famous people who have "near death experiences" and visit Heaven or Hell... and tell you Jesus, told them about Satan ... well... you can prove every one of them to be fake ass phones, the minute they mention Satan and make the claim that Jesus warned them about Satan.... because Jesus KNOWS Satan is not a part of his religion, so He wouldn't say he was, would he?

Do your research, you'll uncover a LOT of scams in Satan's name, in modern day Christianity, simply because 99% of so-called Christians these days, can't tell the difference between their Bibles and their own ass.

#2... the devil.... did you know, the devil, whom Christians, claim to be the "alternate name" of Satan... is a type of Ghoul and comes from the Koran, and is a type of daemon found in the Muslim religion, and nothing to do with Christianity at all?

The devs and the gauls, or devils and ghouls, are types of spirits of people who died either by murder or suicide, and haunt graves, houses, junkyards, and various objects, until someone releases their soul.

Had read you read the Koran, you would have known that. 

Had you read the Bible, you would have known too, there is no devil in it.

#Here's a thought...

Before you make an ass of yourself by accusing someone of anything... you better make damned sure you can back up your claim.

I am simply a different culture, a different race, and a different religion from you. That is all. Only this and nothing more. 

But because I am different from you, you feel the need to bully and harass, and attack and accuse.


Why do attack me?

Why do you fling your accusations?

Why do you feel threatened by my culture?

Why do you feel threatened by my race?

Why do you feel threatened by my religion?

Why do you feel threatened by the color of my skin?

Why do you feel threatened by a square of fabric on my head?

Why do these things about me, cause you to falsely accuse me of being a witch?

Why do these things about me, cause you to falsely accuse me of casting curses?

Why do these things about me, cause you to falsely accuse me of being a Satan worshiper?

And even if I was any of those things, what business would it be of yours?

I keep to myself and mind my own business, I'm not bothering you, so why are you bothering me?

You my friend, are a busy body, and the Bible had a lot to say about busy bodies and how evil they are and how much Jesus hates them. May I suggest you read Proverbs. 

You love your Bible so much, that you feel the need to throw your fake ass Christian accusations in my face, but perhaps, you would do well, to stop worrying about the mote in my eye, and be more concerned about the log in your own... or did that section of the Bible escape you as well? 

Here's some tips for the next time you think someone isn't Christian enough to exist...

Why do you feel threatened by my culture... it's same culture Jesus had... he was Semitic Hebrew, or did you forget that?

Why do you feel threatened by my race?

Why do you feel threatened by my religion... Jesus was NOT a Christian. The Christian religion was founded by Roman Emperor Constantine 800 years AFTER Jesus died.

Why do you feel threatened by the color of my skin... Jesus had darker skin than me. He wasn't white. Your white power hatred, means you hate Jesus too.

Why do you feel threatened by a square of fabric on my head... jesus wore a cloth on his head. There are more 100 verses in the New Testament which say as much. Jesus also said it was a sin for a man to cut either his hair or his beard, and that neither men nor women should go outside without their head covered. Did you just overlook those teaches from Jesus. Jesus not Christian enough for you?

You feel threatened by curses? What about Balam's ass, you know Jesus's talking donkey? Or how about the water that turned to wine? Walking on the ocean waves? Taking 2 loaves of bread, breaking them into enough pieces to fill 5,000 baskets? The fig tree that refused to feed Jesus in winter when figs don't grow? The 12 year old boy eaten by a bear that Jesus sent to it, because the boy threw a rock at Jesus? Maybe you should read your Bible more.

Let me ask you another question... do you think Jesus was a carpenter? Silly jackass, had you read your Bible, you would have known Mary was a temple prostitute who got pregnant at age 12 and was forced to marry the carpenter, Jesphe, accused of getting her pregnant. That baby was Jesus, he had 3 brothers, and 5 sisters born after, and Jesus grew up to be a fashion designer, a tailor, and a dyer of cloth. Not a carpenter. Had you read the Bible, you would have known that. Had your minister read the Bible and not children's picture books, he would have known that too, and preached it to you correctly.

You idiot. You're just like everyone else who claims to be a Christian these days, following the mindless herd, without actually knowing the foundation behind your faith.

What was it Jesus said about many coming and preaching in his name, but they will be nothing more then the blind leading the blind?

By trying to prove how much of a great big super Christian you are, all you've done is prove you know nothing about your religion at all.

If you take part in harassing and bullying someone, YOU are a mean person.

No, someone abusing you does NOT make you mean. I guarantee I've received way more abuse then you ever have, and I choose to be kind and helpful to everyone... even mean people like YOU.

It's YOUR CHOICE to be mean.

No one makes you be mean.

To be a better person, you have to first CHOOSE to be better then you are now.

Everything you do makes a difference in the lives of others.

Are you a GOOD impact on their lives or a BAD one?

Did your words and actions HELP someone today or HURT someone today?

Are you a GOOD person?

Or are you EVIL?

Look in the mirror and find out.

FAQs: Are you a Satan Worshiper? 

All 12 of my uncles were high ranked men in the church. Mission leaders, Bishops, Boy Scout Leaders, Quorum presidents, Stake Presidents, Branch Presidents... every one of them. And they sold children for sex to other priests in the church. It's where they got their fucking money. And most of those children didn't reach adulthood. Most of then were beaten to death before they were even 10 years old. Beaten to death by the priests who paid $12,000 for 15 minutes alone with a child to rape them. 

The whole REASON people call me a Satan Worshiper is BECAUSe those same uncles, thought ahead of time, to go to MUFUN and spread rumors and lies about those children. 

It was a fucking scam.

The whole damned thing.

Every bit of it.

The alien abductions, the haunted car... it was ALL a fucking scam, created by my uncles to discredit toddlers 3, 4, and 5 years old, to make sure no one would believe them, should those toddlers ever tell any adults about the priests that were raping them.

That's all it was.

My uncles scammed you all, and millions of idiots all over the world believed them.

Stupid ass people, believing in demons and aliens and haunted cars.... when the stories my uncles told you about those demons, aliens, and haunted cars was nothing but their fake ass cover up story to hide the fact that they were running a child prostitution ring.

You see the constant police and backhoes digging up my farm at 146 Portland Ave, Old Orchard Beach, Maine - it's been going on since the first bodies were dug up by coyotes in 2016, ... if you're local, you've seen it, the hundreds of rusty oil barrels the FBI and police are digging up in my yard... the crowds of locals gathering around my farm, and police simply saying: "We are investigating cannibals" and giving no more details.

The oldest barrels they've excavated so far, date to the 1920s.... the bulk of them are from the 1950s to 1970s.... 

In those oil barrels are the bones of children. Little girls, 8, 9, 10, 12 years olds, who dared commit the sin of getting pregnant when white Americans paid $20,000 to rape them.

Americans like to spread all kinds of rumors about the group they call "The Scottish Mafia", but the reality of the so-called Scottish Mafia, is far worse then the stupid ass rumors.... a clan of cannibals, who raised little girls like they cattle, girls who spent their childhoods in cages, let out only long enough to be raped by American men willing to pay the highest prices, then slaughtered eaten as steaks when they turned 14 years old.... that's the REAL Scottish Mafia, a very big far cry from what you see portrayed as "Scottish Mafia" in TV and movies isn't it?

We females were seen as livestock.

Kept in cages, even puppy mills wouldn't dream of using.

Let out long enough to be raped by strangers.

Our rape babies beaten out of our bellies, on the orders of their fathers, who the uncles blackmailed more money out of. Pay money to beat the 8 year old child carrying your rape baby, ensure no one finds out what you do in your spare time.

Then slaughtered for food when you turn 14.

Your bones, sawed up, packed in oil barrels, and buried in the swamps.

They thought the swamps would rot the metal barrels, rot the bones.

They were wrong, weren't they?

The peat bog moss of the swamp preserved them. And now they are being dug up.

Go watch the VOD. See the bones being excavated out of my farm for yourself.

That is what I grew up with.

Daily being raped from the time I was 4 years old

When any of children got pregnant, our bellies were crushed.

And when we reached the age of 14, we were cut up into steaks and sold as fucking deer meat.

Have you noticed that in 2016, the door-to-door deer steak trucks all but vanished in Maine? Yeah. Now you know why. A lot of them are in prison now for selling human not deer steaks.

#If you have any information regarding this case, FBI Agent Andy Drewer out of the Portland, Maine FBI office is in charge of the investigation. He can be reached @ +1-(207)-774-9322

I'm one of the few who survived, because I had papers. When I was 12, a millionaire high priest from Austria, bought exclusive rights to me, and he also got me legal paperwork: American citizenship, a social security number, a birth certificate - things females in this clan were not allowed to have. Ben is the only reason I went on to become one of the few girls still alive today, and not sold as deer steaks when I turned 14.

A lot of people don't know WHY I got so damned mad at this vile, lewd, deviated sex crazed, slutty assed streamer woman, when she took events from my childhood and made BDSM sex fetish memes about it... because unlike this vile, lewd, deviated sex crazed, slutty assed streamer woman, a lot of people don't know the full details of what happened to me, what I saw happen to my cousins.

Half the time they weren't killed humanely... Anastasia... was only 4 years old, when on August 21, 1991, she had her leg pulled off her body.... the intestines came out with the bone .... her breakfast half digested spewed out all over the floor mingled with the blood... it took her 5 damned days to finally bleed to death. And they left her laying their, while the older male cousins,  leading them, kicked her, punched her, and rapeded her, over and over again.


Do you know what it feels like to have your head held down on a cement cinder block while a more traditional red brick is slammed into your face?

I do!

It was a common punishment.

I can even begin to count how many times my jaw was broken that way.

#Do you see now how incredibly VILE the sex joke memes this vile, lewd, deviated, piece of shit woman made about the torture I went through, is?

#HOW DISGUSTING this vile, lewd, deviated sex crazed, slutty assed streamer woman IS FOR CALLING A 4 YEAR OLD BEING TIED DOWN, RAPED, AND JAW BROKEN WITH A BRICK, A BDSM SEX FETISH!!!!!

This vile, lewd, deviated sex crazed, slutty assed streamer woman is a bad as the fucking men who did that to us!

How dare she call the torture we went through BDSM sex fetishes!

Over 300 little girls between the ages of 4 and 14 were MURDERED!

What kind of a sick bastard makes sex jokes about THAT?


There has never been a time in my life, when I wasn't suffering in pain from broken bones that never got set, ruptured organs that left me bleeding for weeks on end. Not once being allowed to go to the hospital.

My hip dysplasia was caused by having a 2 foot long foundation nail driven through my hip when I was 4 years old.  

I've heard people say sex was good, fun, happy... I've never had sex that wasn't forced, wasn't rape, wasn't brutal, and didn't leave me without broken bones or torn muscles. Sex is the worse, most evil, most horrible, vile, pain riddin form of torture there is. I can't even image how anyone could enjoy being beaten, having their bones broken, strangled, stabbed with knives, forks, and broken glass plates... sex the most awful thing there is, I can not understand how anyone would want it.

The only good thing about sex is the babies that come from it, but all of mine were murdered before they could be born. I was never allowed to raise any of my babies, and I nearly died after every beaten that killed my babies. 

The most recent one, they beat me with metal baseball bats and golf clubs, left me not only without my baby, but with my spine, hips, and knees broken, I'm crippled for the rest of my left and have spent the last 6 years relearning to walk.

No one has ever been kind to me.

No one has ever hugged me.

No one has ever kissed me.

No one has ever loved me.

There are only 2 things I've ever wanted: a baby and a friend.

America has laws, a woman my age can't adopt, you have to be under 45 in order to qualify for consideration to adopt a child in America; and the last beaten, left me unable to have children.

That leaves me with only one thing left to hope for in life: a friend, someone to talk to. I've never had that. Not once. More then half my life was spent locked in a cage, with no lights, no heat, total darkness, in a room with no windows, no nothing, just mold and fungus several inches thick on rotten walls, and a dirt ledge floor, bare ground, no floor boards. Alone for weeks on end, not knowing if or when I would ever see a person, if or when I would be given another burned saucepan to claw scrapings off of.

#When the FBI raid happened, I was

* 31 years old, 5'6" and weighed 87lbs. 

* my bones and muscles were (and still are) brittle and falling apart from 2 decades of extreme malnutrition. 

* I was nearly starved to death and the rescuers estimated I would have died with in the next few months had the raid not happened

* the room was filled with the bones of others who had died, been tossed in the room, their flesh eaten by the same rats that chewed on my arms and legs each night... they had all been beheaded, so no heads or skulls were ever found and the FBI continues to excavate the area and dredge local waters in search of the skulls, to this day

* It had been decades since I'd last eaten a meal, with as many as 2 weeks passing between being tossed a burned pan to scrap out. 

* I couldn't see in daylight because I'd spent so many years in total darkness. 

* And I didn't know how to speak human languages, was only able to speak cat and chicken, due to the only ones I had, had to talk to in that time, was the feral cats that snuck in through the cracks in the walls at night, and the chickens who were put in the room in the winter to protect them from the cold.

* I had no social skills, did not know how to communicate with others; was only able to communicate via writing; 

* because the only physical touch I had ever had from anyone was being raped or being beaten... I had (and still have) a massive phobia of humans getting near me and am prone to massive meltdowns of total hysteria if someone gets within 5 feet of me

* I had (and still have) a massive phobia of forks, seeing them as weapons, not food utensils, due to have been stabbed, scarred, and tortured with sharped forks by my uncle Mervin Bruce Atwater, so many dozens of times

* I was 37 years old before I found out I was a human, and not a demon, like I had been raised to believe

* the team of psychologists, psychiatrists, and social workers assigned to me, all agreed that they did not believe I would ever be able to assimilate into HUMAN society, due to my extreme hatred for and fear of HUMANS, and my total 100% belief that I was not a HUMAN, caused by my mother's extreme paranoid schizophrenia, and her having locked me in a cage in that isolation room on my 8th birthday because she believed faeries had stolen her real daughter and replaced her with me, a demon changeling

* the team of psychologists, psychiatrists, and social workers assigned to me, all agreed that I likely will never be able to feel any empathy for or towards HUMANS, due to 3 decades of being raised by violent mentally unstable humans who had severe untreated schizophrenia that they bounced off each other... with them glorifying the glories of them being HUMAN and us children being DEMONS unworthy of living in HUMAN presence

* the thing this group of 24 psychologists, psychiatrists, and social workers found to be the single most disturbing fact of all, was that ...

#my 3 decades of neglect, abuse, and isolation was so extreme that I possess no sympathy, empathy, compassion, pity, or ability to identify with Humans - the only emotion I feel towards humans is loathsome hatred ... and they coined the term "OtherKin" to describe me, because there was no psychosis out there to label me... yes, I'm EelKat the first OtherKin, the child that psychiatrists coined the term for

* among things included in my diagnosis, was the phrase: 

>>>"is a UFO suicide cult survivor"


>>>"was raised by radical fundamentalist extremists"


>>>"was raised to believe she was not human"


>>>"was raised to believe she was a demon"


>>>"in interviewing the adults who raised her, 52 of them maintain the belief that she is a demon channeling that they refer to her as 'Her Grandmother's Evil Spirit'", "they claimed the real child ceased to exist after her grandmother's funeral", "they claimed that upon returning from the funeral, the real child was gone and this demon changeling was left in her place"


>>>"evidence suggests that her grandmother was murdered and she witnessed this event, resulting in the adults who murdered her grandmother creating the delusion that she was a demon, removing her from public school, and locking her in a cage in order to prevent her from telling anyone about the grandmother's murder"


>>>"they said they could not let her out of the cage because she refused to reveal where the faeries had taken the real child to"


>>>"they said they had no choice but to beat her daily because of her refusal to reveal the location of the real child she had replaced"


>>>"they likewise believe that both grandmothers were not human, citeing they too were demons"


>>>"they cited that the girl inherited 'Helen's evil spirit' upon Helen's death and 'Eva's evil spirit' upon Eva's death"


>>>"alarmingly every adult involved in her rearing displays severe schizophrenia, total belief in demons, and is fully convinced that this girl is a demon changeling; scarily their delusions fed on each other, giving rise to even more delusions" 


>>>"was removed from public school at the age of 8 years old a few hours following her grandmother's funeral; an investigation was made by the superintendent of schools, but social workers never followed up on the girl's sudden disappearance from public eye. These horrific events may never have happened had The Maine State Department of Human Services taken those initial reports from the her teacher, principal, superintendent, school nurse, and the child's pediatrician, all of whom files individual reports regarding concerns for the girl's safety after witnessing several signs of abuse during the weeks prior to her disappearance"


>>>"reports were made to the Old Orchard Beach Police Department regarding the girl's disappearance from school. No follow up was done. It has been discovered that members of the family worked in the police department and destroyed the department's record of these reports made by concerned school officials" 


>>>"has never experienced kind, good, or loving relationships"


 >>>"since infancy has never been hugged, held, cuddled, or touched in a good way by other humans" 


>>>"displays post traumatic stress disorder symptoms similar to WW2 concentration camp victims"


>>>"can not remember her name, answers to the names 'four eyed retard' and 'competition bitch' which appear to be the only names her mother called her since the age of 8 years old"


>>>"has never been taught to view humans as equals" 

* in the weeks following the FBI raid, 3 aunts and 8 uncles, were all diagnosed with schizophrenia... among other things

* the 12 siblings, their 50+ spouses, and 400+ adult children who ran the child prostitution ring, were all diagnosed with sociopathy, 5 were diagnosed with megalomania, more the 3 dozen (including my mother) were diagnosed with Munchausen syndrome by proxy

* the group was classified as the most radical of the compounds that called themselves members of Heaven's Gate - 4 of it's leaders killed themselves in the infamous HaleBop murder/suicide that killed 39 people in California and was what led to the FBI raid a few weeks later

* the FBI raid would result in dozens of Catholic, Mormon, Pentecostal, Baptist, Born Again Holy Roller, New Life, and non-Denominational churches throughout southern Maine and the Greater Boston tri-state area being closed in the weeks/months that followed, in the mid-late 1990s, as hundreds of pedophile priests were arrested for having paid money (often $millions in church funds) to rape the young girls

* wild rumors began to surface, as horrified Americans dubbed the clan leaders involved in the Scottish Gypsy child prostitution ring as "The Scottish Mafia"

* while American movie producers had a field day stereotyping "Scottish Mafia" to mean anything and everything, we 140 survivors, had to fight claw and fang against paparazzi, alongside trying to even learn what the hell an American even was

* the worst of them, Stephen King arrived at the compound, with a huge movie crew and set out to filming a movie "The Thinner" based off what he referred to as "the Gypsies of Saco, Maine, the most REAL Gypsy style Gypsies I have ever encountered"... he and his crew were trespassers, had no permits or permissions, and today are in a legal battle against our clan trying to get the rights to release Thinner on DVD, something we absolutely refuse to sign off on - we are abhorred that he tried to capitalize on our decades of torture, pain, and suffering

* and all of the 140 others like myself, were also raised to believe they were locked in cages because they were demons....

* as of 2020, more than half of the 140 survivors rescued from that FBI raid have commit suicide, due to the pressures of trying to BECOME A HUMAN and to date none have been able to see themselves as HUMANS or successfully assimilate in HUMAN society and most are still 100% convinced they are DEMONS and are unable to identify as HUMAN or live among HUMANS

* while I was 31 at the time of the FBI raid; the eldest of my brothers was only 7 years old - yes, I am old enough to be the grandmother of every one of my brothers; one of them, was so badly traumatised by the abuse he received, he does not talk still to this day

* given the fact that my mother has multi-hundreds of medical records that all list her as infertile and unable to have children, after a brutal "miscarriage" (caused by an overdose of sleeping pills, then having her head cracked open with a brick b an unknown attacker while she was unconscious) she had 4 years after I was born, combined with the dates of the births of my brothers vs the dates of the so-called "miscarriage" beatens, some of the psychiatrists, psychologists, and social workers involved in the case, believe that chances are high that my brothers, may actually be my sons, stolen from me by my own mother, after being beaten unconscious by her brother Mervin Bruce.... this theory was further emphasized by the fact that one of my brothers is a blue eyed blond (everyone in the Atwater family has dark skin, black eyes, and black hair, due to being 3/4 Native American and 1/4 black African) and looks exactly like Ben (a blue eyed blond Austrian), the father of my babies

* my mother suddenly and mysteriously "became infertile again" after the FBI raid and her freak unexplained popping out new babies days after each of my so-called "miscarriages"  (each one caused by being beaten unconscious at around 8 months pregnant, and waking up with the baby gone, followed by my mother's miraculous "giving birth" to a slightly premature baby a few weeks later) suddenly ceased to happen

* I was 37 years old when a team of psychologists, psychiatrists, and social workers set out to training me how to do things like walk on my feet instead of crawl on all 4s like a cat

* I was also 37 years old when a team of psychologists, psychiatrists, and social workers set out to teaching me how to s