I did on some level introduce OtherKin, or rather, ElfKin, to the internet in 1996.
I am considered to be one of, if not the VERY FIRST OtherKin to grace the internet.
Though, I am ElfKin, not OtherKin. They are different.
I completely reject Humanity.
I live my life, as an Elf.
I have done so, since 1987.
As of 2020, I have lived as an Elf for 33 years.
I hate Humans.
I feel no empathy, sympathy, or compassion for Humans.
I see Humans as vile, evil creatures, whom I share no connection to.
I feel nothing but revulsion for Humans.
There has never been a point in my life when a Human showed me any kindness, love, or compassion.
I have been tortured, beaten, caged, raped, shunned, outcast, ostracized, and bullied endlessly by Humans.
The Humans who raised me, kept me locked in a cage from the time I was 8, until I was 31 years old. They said they did so because I was not a Human and was not allowed to participate in Human activities like eating at the table, sleeping on a bed, using a toilet, or bathing. They said I was a Changeling, brought to them by Demons. They claimed the real Human baby was taken from them, and I was a Demon left in it's place. And while I agreed with them, that I had no similarities to their Human nature, I did not believe myself a Demon either.
I was 31 years old the first time anyone told me I was a Human. But no one has yet been able to prove to me that I possess the evilness of Humans.
Unlike Humans, I feel love.
Unlike Humans, I feel pain.
Unlike Humans, I shed tears.
Unlike Humans, I feel empathy.
Unlike Humans, I feel sympathy.
Unlike Humans, I feel compassion.
I have tried for 40 years, to live among Humans, but I've yet to meet a Human that will accept me as a part of their society.
I have never been welcomed by any Human.
I have never been accepted by any Human.
The older I get and the more Humans I meet, the crueler I learn that they are, the stronger my hatred for the entirety of Humanity grows.
I searched for years to find out, what I was, where I fit in, where I belonged, for everywhere I went, I was repeatedly told I was too strange, too bizarre, too different, too alien, too not-Human to be welcomed in any group, any church, and community, offline or online.
Since I was a toddler I felt a strong kinship to Eels and Cats, thus my name. My Native American grandmother named me EelKat when I was 3 years old, citing that Eels and Cats were my spirit animals.
My other grandmother called me FarSighted, because I talked to ArchAngels and Faeries in the forest. She said I walked through the veil between the Spirit World. She died when I was 8 years old.
As I grew older, and continued to be ostracized by all of Human society, I started researching the things Grammy Eva and Grammy Helen has said: Spirit Animals, Fairy Sighted, and Walking the Veil. That is when I realized, everyone was right... my parents, my uncles, everyone at every church I ever attended, random strangers I meet on the streets... every one, every single Human, as always said, I either was not Human, didn't act Human, or seemed to be Alien to Human Society, like I came from another world.
The Humans who raised me, kept me locked in a cage from the time I was 8, until I was 31 years old. They said they did so because I was not a Human and was not allowed to participate in Human activities like eating at the table, sleeping on a bed, using a toilet, or bathing. They said I was a Changeling, brought to them by Demons. They claimed the real Human baby was taken from them, and I was a Demon left in it's place. And while I agreed with them, that I had no similarities to their Human nature, I did not believe myself a Demon either. And decades later, after researching, I feel they were right.
The more I studied, the more I realized, everything I do that Humans say is strange and bizarre, things like love, feeling pain, shedding tears, empathy, sympathy, or compassion, those things Humans are incapable of doing, that I do and brand me as starkly notHuman, they were all things the Ljósálfar do.
So I researched the Ljósálfar. They do many thing I do, that Humans find to be my most deplorable traits: like growing flowers, being vegan, and not hurting animals, shunning drinking of alcohol, smoking, drugs, or owning weapons.
I eventually came to believe I am an Elf trapped in the world of Humans, as some sort of test.
No. I do not believe I am Human.
Yes. I do believe I am an Elf.
Yes, I AM that "freak" who introduced the internet to the concept of OtherKin, via ElfKin, in 1996.
Yes, I am the textbook standard, found in actual medical books, used by Psychiatry students, yes, those are photos of me you see in your college textbooks and in the Journal of Psychiatry entry. I am the first one diagnosed and therefore the standard by which all OtherKin are measured.
Yes, I am the measure by which all OtherKin around the world measure if they too are OtherKin or not. But I wonder how many of them, know the origin of the term OtherKin and how many of them would call themselves that label is the ACTUALLY KNEW, the ACTUAL origin and meaning of the word?
OtherKin is not a label I use to call myself. The term OtherKin was coined by team of Psychiatrists, who didn't know what else to call me. They classified me at first as "a Feral Child with Learned Schizophrenia", citing that while I didn't have Schizophrenia, all 5 of the uncles and their father, who raised me did have Schizophrenia and because I was raised in total isolation with zero contact with anyone outside of these men, I was raised as though what they were was normal because I had no outside source by which to judge that how they raised children was not normal, nor was how they lived their lives normal. I was told by these Psychiatrists, that once I got out in Human society and found out what mainstream society was like, I would see, how different, how unique, how bizarre, and how unusual and not the norm, my uncles were.
I have lived among mainstream society for 33 years now and I have yet to meet a kind, loving, friendly Human.
This group of Social Workers, Psychologists, and Psychiatrists, coined the term OtherKin, because they said there was nothing I conformed to, no textbook illness that matched what I was. They toyed with the idea of diagnosing me many different ways because they said that on the surface I seemed like this or that, but then, comparing all the symptoms, I never fully matched up.
Schizophrenia didn't stick because there were no voices in my head telling me what to do. After tossing out the option of Schizophrenia, they tried out Multiple Personality Disorder and also Dissociative Identity Disorder. But, I don't have multiple people I become. Both of those have the requirement of becoming someone else, another person. MPD you are unaware of the other people "living in you" while DID you are fully aware of the "other people" and communicate with them and likely have a lot of past life experiences. I don't believe in past lives or reincarnation or being multiple people inside of one mind. I dress up in costumes of characters, but I never try to be that character, I simply like to wear their pretty clothes.
They tried considering Asperger's for a bit, but I missed many, many, many a mark there.
In the end my official diagnosis is: Actual Autism Kanner's Syndrome, with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and SchizoAffective or maybe Schizotypal tendencies, I can't tell, and the most bizarre behaviour of refusing to believe she is Human, largely because she was raised in an isolated UFO Cult that raised her as a Demon from infancy to middle age. She has many phobias most notable a severe and disturbing phobia of Humans in general and Men in particular. There is no correct diagnosis for her. She is unique. This is a unique case. I am putting in a request to the State for funding to study her. This is something new. This needs to be studied. We are witnessing the side effect of child who was raised in total isolation. A child that was never loved, never kissed, never hugged, never showed empathy, sympathy, or compassion. She feels nothing for Humans. She does not believe she is Human. There has never been a documented case like this before. This is the worse case of child abuse in American history.
I did not found any "OtherKin Awareness Groups" as is the common internet misconception. I don't even use the term OtherKin. It's a label OTHERS slap on me, as further proof that I don't belong in Human society, am not Human enough to fit in, not Human enough to be welcomed, not Human enough to be included. That's all the label OtherKin means to me. Yet more proof that Humans hate me, see me as not Human, and feel the need to put a label on me.
But I am the standard by which all who claim to be OtherKin, measure if each other is OtherKin or not, because I am the textbook case, the original test subject, that caused Psychiatrists to coin the term OtherKin, so most people believe I am the "first" OtherKin, even though groups like The Silver Elves existed in the 1970s, long before the FBI raid that rescued me from one of the Heaven's Gate compounds.
No. I do not try to bring awareness to the "OtherKin Movement". OtherKin is a psychological disorder that for some odd reason, teens and young adults, think of as some sort of roleplaying, cosplaying movement. They don't know what it is. They never looked up any medical journals or psychiatry textbooks. They change what they are on a whim, a Vampire today because they love Twilight, a Witcher tomorrow because they saw the NetFlix series, SpiderMan next week after they watch that movie. They don't know what OtherKin is. It's not a fandom. It's not roleplay. It's not dressing up. And you're a fool if think that's what it is.
People get the misconception that it is roleplaying and cosplaying because I am prone to dress up in elaborate costumes. I like their clothes. It's as simple as that. I'm trying to be them. I don't roleplay them. I don't pretend I am them. I simply like to wear their clothes, in the exact same way, every teenage girl in school has to wear the same t-shirt as her best friend.
When the OtherKin diagnosis was coined, I didn't yet wear costumes. I'd never seen TV or movies or video games. I'd never been to school or doctors. I had no point of reference for what any of these characters would have looked like. The wearing of elaborate costume came about almost a decade AFTER Psychiatrists coined the term OtherKin to describe me.
OtherKin, was referencing my refusal to accept the fact that I was Human, when Social Workers, Psychologists, and Psychiatrists tried to convince me that I was not a Changeling Demon switched at birth like the adults who raised me had taught me to believe.
OtherKin, was referencing the fact that my combined hatred for and phobia of Humans was so great that I had no ability to believe I was a Human, when they told me I was.
OtherKin, it's ACTUAL Journal of Psychiatry definition, is very simply: The belief that one is not Human and is something other than Human. That's what OtherKin means.
Anyone who tells you OtherKin is anything else, has no clue what OtherKin is, knows nothing about it's history, knows nothing about how the term was coined, and is completely clueless about OtherKin in general.
People like to come in saying things like: "Well, because I think OtherKin is about ___ I think we should change the meaning of OtherKin to include ___"
No. OtherKin is an ACTUAL MEDICAL DISORDER... you don't walk into a doctors office and say:
Now can you now see how utterly stupid and idiotic people are when they say: "Well, because I think OtherKin is about ___ I think we should change the meaning of OtherKin to include ___"?
And, no, OtherKin is not the thing where, you wake up one morning and feel like wearing a cat ears headband, so that therefore makes you a cat.
The problem with OtherKin is there is far too much misinformation out there about what OtherKin is, written largely by know-nothing 10 year old children who couldn't tell their ass from a hole in the ground, and think that because they want to wear a headband with cat ears, that gives them to authority to rewrite the definition of medical illnesses.
OtherKin is a mental disorder. It's not a movement. Not a trend. Not a fad. But for some reason, in the last 20 years or so, people have thought it "cool" to "be OtherKin" so, they jumped on a bandwagon to try to be something that they really had no idea what it actually was.
Today, because, thanks to Tumblr and Instagram, OtherKin is now interchangeable with Furries and CosPlay, the OFFICIAL diagnosis of the Mental Illness as listed in the Journal of Psychiatry has been changed from OtherKin to Species Dysphoria, to definasciate from the the actual mental illness of not believing one is Human and the current fad trend of dressing up roleplaying.
People who say I started a movement or awareness groups or claim I try to bring awareness to the OtherKin movement, have no clue who or what I am and are talking out their asses. They don't know me. They do not speak for me. And they certainly don't understand me or how I live my life.
I am not FictionKin.
I am EelKin turned ElfKin, according to people who believe in Kinship.
I don't move in OtherKin circles, groups, or communities.
I am considered the "first" or "original" OtherKin, by many in the "OtherKin community" and I hate it, because I have never identified as OtherKin and deeply dislike labels being slapped onto me by vile Humans who try translate what they think I am.
What are labels? A label is simply a way to point at someone and say: "they are not Human enough to be accepted in society". That's all any label is.
And that is all any Human has ever done to me. Label me as this, label me as that.
Never once has ANY Human, ever thought to look at me as another Human, as another member of society, as a potential friend.
Because I am technically "the first" OtherKin, seeing how I was the patient in question, when the team of Social Workers, Psychologists, and Psychiatrists coined the term. I am a patient who was undiagnosable and had "something new", and "OtherKin" was the working title. But because I am technically "the first" OtherKin, I am constantly being contacted by founders, creators, and moderators of groups, forums, subreddits, Discords, FaceBook groups, and other various assorted online communities. I don't know why. I think they see me as a "celebrity" in terms of OtherKin. I'm supposedly the "ideal OtherKin" whom others try to be like.
But... I'm not trying to "be" anything. I don't even call myself OtherKin or ElfKin or EelKin or UnicornKin or CatKin or FoxKin, all of those being types of Kins that people has used to describe me.
I accept the invites and then never post in their communities or groups, because I find myself incredibly uncomfortable around most people who call themselves "OtherKin", because 99.9% of the ones I've encountered are very clearly teenagers and young kids in their 20s who are just trying to be part of a club. They don't actually have post traumatic stress disorder, they know nothing about child abuse or rape, or witnessing multiple murders, or trying to cope with being raised in a cage from the age of 8 years old to 31 years old while also being raised to believe you were a demo, because the adults in your life had schizophrenia and couldn't tell the difference between children and demons. They don't know what it is like to be 31 years old the first time any one ever suggested to you that you might actually be a human, and everything the adults taught you about your lack of Humanity was a lie.
When I accept the invites to join these groups, I go there, hoping to find others like myself, who were never Human, not once from their time of birth. I go there hoping to find others like myself, who were rejected by Humans from the day they were born. But all I ever find are happy go lucky juvenile delinquents rebelling by wearing cat-ear headbands while licking milk out of a bowl. They ENJOY pretending to be animals. They have fun, partying in their fur tails. They have no trauma. They know nothing about OtherKin and it's origins. What OtherKin is or how the word got coined.
The bulk of them are just a group of kids looking for a party where they can dress up in costumes. Only this and nothing more. And that is not OtherKin. Not even close.
Now, that is not to say there is anything wrong with what you are, no matter what you are or how you identify. Your identity is certainly valid and should be acknowledged. I'm not saying it's invalid or should be pushed aside or ignored. What I'm saying is, chances are very high that what you are classifying as OtherKin, is not in fact OtherKin.
That's the problem with online OtherKin communities. They spread far too much misinformation and leave actual, correct information spread far too thin and this leads to a lot of confusion.
The thing is I AM the ACTUAL MEDICAL, psychiatric definition of OtherKin, and it's incredibly rare to the point that fewer then 100 people have ever, EVER been diagnosed with it EVER. Fewer then 100 people in all of the millions of years of this Earth having existed. That's not many people.
And yet, there are MILLIONS of OtherKin, so called, self proclaimed OtherKin just on Tumblr, and not a one of them has a clue what OtherKin even is and that's painfully obvious.
The problem with the invites to join these groups, is I'm not what they think I am. They expect me to be a roleplaying party animal like them and I'm not.
And the fact remains - I hate Humans, and they are just Humans dressed like cats and dogs.
Let me repeat this: I HATE HUMANS.
I WISH HUMANS WOULD DIE. ALL OF THEM. I HATE THEM.
And you want me to join your little group of pretenders? I hate every one of you and you think ha-ha oh she's being in character.
I really do hate Humans.
No Human has EVER given me a reason to think otherwise.
No Human has ever been my friend.
Every Human I have ever met, pretends to be my friend for a few days, then they turn into cruel, hateful, backstabbing bastards.
Humans are incapable of love, friendship, compasion, sympathy.
Humans are evil.
Humans are cruel.
Humans are sadistic.
Humans enjoy hurting others.
Humans are hateful creatures who do nothing hurt everyone in their path.
And if you don't understand THAT, well, Honey, then you CERTAINLY Are NOT OtherKin.
OtherKin is not about your spiritual awakening, your identification with an animal guide... OtherKin is the hatred of Humans, on levels so extreme, that wish all Humans would die.
OtherKin is about you NOT being Human and seperating yourself from Humans because Humans are pieces of shit.
Humans can not be trusted.
Never turn your back on a Human.
There is NOTHING good in a Human.
And if you are ACTUAL, REAL, MEDICALLY DIAGNOSED as OtherKin, then I don't need to tell you that, because you already know evil Humans are.
Humans exist to kill, steal, and destroy. Only this and nothing more. There is nothing else in Humanity.
And the online OtherKin Communities who send me invites to join them.... I've yet to encounter one, single, solitary, actual, real, medically diagnosed OtherKin in any of them. And I've checked them all, and encountered well over a million people who claim to be OtherKin.
I go there are look, in hopes that one day, i will find someone, like myself, who is not Human and has never been accepted by Humans. But there is no one like me. Not surprising, seeing how in all the milinia of the Earth, fewer then 100 people have ever been diagnosed.
And the online OtherKin Communities who send me invites to join them....They do what everyone does and start rumors about me, gossiping among themselves about what they THINK I am, and they build up fanfiction, fantasy worlds about me, that have no basis in reality. They hyped up and excited, fall in love with the fictional version of me that they created in their heads, and then find themselves deeply disapointed when they actually talk to me for the first time and find out that 100% of everything they liked about me, was just fiction made up them, themselves.
Labels. They label me into a group and they love the IDEA of me as that label in that group, but then, meeting me shatters their fantasies about me, when they realize, I'm not what they told themselves I was.
That's the problem with OtherKin and people who call me OtherKin.
You see, they think I'm joking when I say I hate Humans, but I could show you a copy of my psychological evaluation, and the entire section, where the psychiatrist worried about my server homicidal desire to kill all Humans.
I'm not joking when I tell you, that if you act even remotely Human in my presence, I will pull a brick out of my tote bag and smash your jaw in. I've done it many times.
My psychological evaluation, has a full section, of worries that I show no empathy for Humans on any level what so ever, to the point of extreme Sociopathy. Yes, that's a word in my evaluation.
Far too many people look at my being the original "OtherKin" patient, and don't read the full report. They giddy with joy, thinking I'm play acting, role playing, pretending. I'm not. I don't joke. I never joke. Do you know why? I'll tell you why.
My uncles, while beating me in the face with a shovel when I was 8, or breaking my jaw with a cinder block brick when I was 14, or stabbing my arms with forks when I was 4, or driving a 2 foot long foundation nail through my hip leaving me crippled ever since I was 6 years old, or cutting the bottoms of my feet with rusted saw blades when I was 13.... or any of the hundreds of similar things they did.... while they did it, they always said the same thing: "It's just a joke, hahahahahahahaha!", "I'm only joking, hahahahahahaha!"
I have scars all over my body.... scars from wounds that bled for days. Wounds that should have been seen by a doctor. Wounds, that they filled with maggots, because they kept maggots in jars for that reason.
Do you know what it feels like to have you hands chained to cinder blocks, and forks driven into your arms with a hammer, that drove the tines in all the way to the bone, another fork put in, the wound torn open, and maggots poured in, as the adults around you laughed and slapped each other on the back over the good fun joke they were doing, because, the 5 year old girl they are torturing, is not Human, so it doesn't matter, because she's just a changeling left behind by Demons who took the real child. Have you ever watched maggots crawl under your skin then chew their way back out. And finally pass out hours later, and be left there unconscious for days in pools of your own blood. And when you wake up, the adults are disapointed, that you, the Demon Changeling is still alive.
That's what I grew up with.
I was 31 years old when the FBI raid rescued me.
My entire first 31 years of life, was spent being daily tortured, daily told it was okay, because I wasn't Human anyways.
The end result is the only thing in my mind that is more evil then rape and murder, is a joke.
And you'll find out how fast I beat you to a pulp if you dare say word joke in my presence. A joke is the only thing more triggering to me than rape.
Still think you are OtherKin or you know anything about me and my life, how much I hate Humans, or the fact that OtherKin was a term created by Psychiatrists, as a working title to diagnose me, the child who survived "the world child abuse case in American history"?
Yeah. the "OtherKin Community" has a vastly warped view of who I am, and why I'm the way I am.
When you ask me questions about OtherKin and CosPlay and RolePlay... and worse, when you try to sexualize anything about me or make mems about me and say you are just joking... you just make me hate Humans even more. Because you can call yourself OtherKin all you want, but you, running around playing and joking and laughing and smiling, you forget, I don't do any of those things.
Jokes. Laughing. Smiling..... I see those things as a threat and a reason to fight back. And clearly the OtherKin Community knows nothing of trauma, torture, and abuse at the hands of Humans.
OtherKin, it's ACTUAL Journal of Psychiatry definition, is very simply: The belief that one is not Human and is something other than Human. That's what OtherKin means.
If you believe something, you have no doubts, so you would never ask "Am I OtherKin?".
I have yet to find an OtherKin on any online community, who TRULY BELIEVED they were not Human. They will tell you they feel connected, they say they no longer want to be Human. Most acknowledge themselves as the spirit of a non-Human living in a Human body.
Answer me this... how can you stop being Human if you don't believe you are Human? Only someone who believes they are Human would say they want to stop being Human.
They build character sheets, detailing the backstory of their alternate being. But if the being IS YOU, then your life, your childhood, your experiance ARE your backstory. If you had to write a character backstory, you are not OtherKin, you are Multiple Personality Disorder or Dissociative Identity Disorder.
OtherKin you are YOU. You are just not Human and not accepted by Humans as Human. You live with Humans and your experiences with them, are very simply the experiences you have every day, and you don't need to sit down and write a backstory. There is no backstory in OtherKin.
Me? I wouldn't know the first thing about feeling Human, because I never was Human. I never had a transition. I never shifted. I never felt the need to STOP being Human, because there was never a point from the day I was born, when anyone ever acknowledge me as being Human.
But, let's answer your question. My email inbox is so full of so many OtherKin questions. Someday I'll get around to answering them. Let's start with your's.
When you ask me about what type of OtherKin I am, it is immediately clear that you know nothing about me, my history, or the history of the origins of the word OtherKin.
The first known group of OtherKin was ElfKin and was The Silver Elves, and the group still exists. They were founded in 1978. I joined them in 1987. I did not remain Silver Elf, as I found more of a connection to Elves in general, and they were a bit more "religion focused" (like they wanted people to obey their set of rules and such, with was too restrictive for me and contrary to how I felt Eves were). Because of the connection to spiritual teachings, in America The Silver Elves are considered a "legally recognized religion" by the Federal government (same as Catholic, Wicca, Baptist, LDS/Mormon, Voodoo, etc are considered as such). They are really connected to the spiritual and religious side of OtherKin and I liked that a lot.
The term OtherKin, was coined in 1997 by a group of Social Workers, Psychologists, and Psychiatrists and was the working title of the mental illness that would eventually become known as Species Dysphoria.
So calling groups like The Silver Elves "OtherKin" is questionable at best, but they are considered by most "OtherKin" to be the first "OtherKin Group", even though their compound was founded in 1978 and the term OtherKin was coined in 1997.
Being older (elderly) and an ElfKin for 40+ years now, I've seen the OtherKin movement evolve and change a lot. There is always something in it that makes me go: "What the f...?"
But there is never a point when I think: "They are not valid because of ____."
It's always just a reaction of more: "Wow! Boy do they have a completely different take on OtherKin than what I've always thought it was."
And then after I think about it I'm: "Yeah, yeah, I can see how they feel that way. Yep, that makes sense."
I think, because I'm a lot older, and got into it via The Silver Elves originally, I end up taking a very spiritual/religious outlook on it, where I see Elves sort of as my "spirit animals" so to speak... and it seems like, more recently, especially in teens and 20s age group, their take on OtherKin is more, like Dissociative Identity Disorder, like they actually believe they REALLY ARE an Elf or Wolf or whatever.
The first time I heard of the new form of OtherKin, the "I'm not a Human, I'm a Dog" type, my mind was: "Wow! That's crazy!" You see, I look at OtherKin as "I'm channeling the spiritual energy of the Dog, not, I literally become a Dog because I don't want to be Human any more." So, at first, I just had a hard time wrapping my mind around the new "Tumblr style" OtherKin. But then, the more I thought about it, the more I realized, no, it's not crazy, because they are doing the same thing I'm ding, they are just doing it differently.
I mean, I use guided meditations and visualizations and oracle cards to connect with the spirit world and it's energy, and for me, connecting to Elf energy and Unicorn energy and ArchAngel energy has always been the best/easiest way for me to do that. And in guided meditation, you often focus on mentally becoming the Elf or Fox or Raven or whatever your spirit guide is, and so yeah, thinking of it that way, suddenly the new style of OtherKin didn't seem crazy to me anymore and I realized, they are just like me, only different.
And then I heard of FictionKin and I was like mind blown. I was like: "OMG, you don't really believe you actually ARE Harry Potter, do you?"
But then almost immediately I was reminded how many times people said to me: "OMG, you don't really believe you actually ARE Lord Sesshomaru, do you?" because I "CosPlayed" him for 9 years... not to conventions, no, I dressed like him 24/7/365 every day for 9 years, around the house, to go shopping, just all day, every day.
People interviewing me about that back in 2005 and 2007 is one of the early things that brought OtherKin to the internet. When people asked why, if I thought I was him, I would say: "No. I'm channeling his energy. I feel more connected to his energy when I dress like him. I'm not trying to be him."
And then I did the same thing with Quaraun for 7 years. And for the past 3 years I've done the same thing with Avallac'h. And yeah, these are fictional characters. Which, I guess, maybe, would cause other people to see me as FictionKin? But they are all Elves, and I am ElfKin and I'm not trying to be or become the Elf in question, rather I feel better able to connect to spiritual Elf energy, when I dress like a fictional Elf from a novel. It's more like I borrowed the Elf's clothes and just wear them.
It's like weighted blankets. They protect you and help you sleep. Same thing. I have PTSD, OCD, Kanner's Syndrome, and Agoraphobia. The longest I have gone without setting foot outside of the house was 15 years.
I was horribly abused by my uncles and several of their male friends from their church as a child and as a result, I developed a crippling fear of Humans in general and Men in particular, and than, as an adult, years later, I was raped and that brought back all the mental trauma memories of what my uncles did, and I don't know what happened, but my mind was just mentally crippled after that, to the point that I locked myself in my room and did not leave it for 15 years.
2006, I went outside for the first time, in 15 years, and I was only able to do so, by wearing a costume of Lord Sesshomaru. When you read the books, he's fearless. He can walk through crowds and he doesn't care who thinks what, and if someone tries to hurt him or his friends, he would never let the attacker hurt them. He's fiercely protective of Rin, the Human girl who travels with him. He has a fearless energy to him. Very powerful fearless energy, and I wanted to feel that.
I wanted to be able to go outside, without being terrified men would hurt me. And I tried for weeks, months, to go outside. I'd get to the door and I'd freeze. A mental block made my body so rigid I couldn't move my feet to get out the door. My agoraphobia was that bad.
So, I started meditating, channel Lord Sesshomaru's energy. And it healed, but it didn't help enough. So I ordered fabric, fur, leather, bolt of silk from Japan, from eBay and Amazon, and I made what went down in history as both the most expensive and most insanely elaborate Lord Sesshomaru CosPlay ever made. And, when I put it on, I was able to walk outside of my house for the first time in 15 years.
It was like, before I channeling his energy, but now, he was there with me. It's the only way I know how to explain it.
I still have severe agoraphobia today. But since 2006, I can go outside, IF, I dress up like an Elf. The stronger the Elf the better. A powerful protecting spirit.
That's why I now CosPlay Avallac'h. There's no one, more protective then he is. It's what he's known for. His fierce protectiveness of Ciri, the Human girl who travels with him is beyond Lord Sesshomaru's protectiveness of Rin. He won't let anyone hurt her. He'll die to to keep her safe. So I retired the Lord Sesshomaru CosPlay and made the Avallac'h CosPlay, my new protecting spirit. An Elf, but also, a Fictional Character.
He's not real. I'm aware he's not real. But that doesn't change the fact that I can draw on his fierce protective energy, to be able to go outside, go shopping, not have to buy everything online or have others buy things for me and deliver it. I can do it myself, dressed like an Elf, but at least I'm outside.
The fact remains, there's never been a real man in my life who DID NOT hurt me. I grew up with drug dealers. Real life gangsters. They killed people. Throughout my childhood and teen years I had witness multiple murders, Brutal. Violent. I was beaten and locked in cages. I watched them kill people, then turn around and threaten to kill me if I ever told anyone.
Today most of them are dead, in prison, or on the run from the FBI. There was never a time in my life when I felt safe, and around men, I felt less safe. There has never been anyone there for me. No mental support. No emotional support. No one to protect me from the men I grew up with, or the gangs they had shot outs with.
I would read books, while hiding under a blanket to try to blockout the screaming and yelling and gun fire. None of the children were allowed to go to school or doctors. We lived on a farm, in the forest, miles from the nearest anything, fenced in and guarded by riflemen. No one had birth certificates or SSNs. No paper trail. No adults outside the clan to turn to for help. I would read books, while hiding under a blanket and praying for someone to please help me. It was none stop terror every day, all day, my entire childhood. Fictional men in books, where my only friends. I was drawn to men who protected children, especially men who protected little girls.
Lord Sesshomaru protected Rin, an 8 year old girl.
Avallac'h protected Ciri, a 12 year old girl.
That's why I was drawn to them. They are strong men who protect little girls from evil men.
This is also why I take such a very strong and heavy offense to anyone trying to sexualize my kinship to either Lord Sesshomaru or Avallac'h.
My attraction to them is not sexual and I do not like people trying to translate it that way.
I see them, more along the lines of ArchAngels. Protectors. Someone you can look to to always be there for you. Someone who will never hurt you. Someone who will keep you safe.
Nothing will make you my enemy faster than you trying to sexualze me, my life, or anything I do. I am asexual, on an extreme anti-sex level. I have an extreme hatred for sex. And if you try to sexualize me or anything I do, you will quickly find yourself branded one of my top most hated people on the planet.
But, yeah, I am myself ElfKin, but you can see why I find no issues with FictionKin. Also, while I tend to lurk in OtherKin communities, I don't see myself as OtherKin, because I see ElfKin and OtherKin as being 2 very different, but also very similar things.
I should also point out that I think of ElfKin and FictionKin as both separate and different from OtherKin, that they are 3 completely different things in my mind, but that none is any less valid then the other and that each of the 3 should be supportive of the other 2.
My thought is, you wouldn't be Kin to anything if you had not suffered through extreme trauma and your Kinship, is your way of coping. For is, after all, nothing more than a mental illness. The concept of Kinship, was created by a group of psychiatrists, to explain people who are not Human, but live in Human society. You can not be Kin to anything and not also be insane. That is a medical fact. And therefore, all Kin are Kin to each other through their insanity, regardless of what type of Kin they are or how they explain their Kinship.
I think of all Kinships this way. Each is distinctly different, but, all are similar enough that each should try to learn from one another and be supportive of each other.
This current mod-making playthrough, is prep for a future fully-lore-friendly playthrough....
The ultimate goal of my mod making playthrough, is to make every character as lore-friendly as possible to how they were described in the novels.
Most specifically though we are transforming as much of the game as possible to match Chapter 5 of the novel Lady of the Lake, when Ciri lived with Avallac'h the first time, on The Lake of Avalon.
This current playthrough is largely a lot of test runs of hundreds of mods. It is being played open world with quests rarely happening, to allow us to run tests of various mods as I build them.
Due to the fact that the game engine, scripts, and other files is often open and being edited while I'm playing the game, this current playthrough is very unstable with bugs and glitches happening daily and game crashes happening, sometimes as often as every few minutes.
You are witnessing a live overhaul and full rewrite of the game, that when finished will be used in a complete (more normal style) playthrough of the game.
However do not expect to see the lore-friendly playthrough any time soon.
I began building this overhaul mod May 13, 2018 and have worked on it daily for 4 to 12 hours a day, all of it streamed here on Twitch, and...
...while we've now altered over 2,000 script files, more than 7,000 textures, several hundred meshes, 400+ xml files, dozens of ini files, and have now begun work on changing 3D models...
...this project is far from finished and could see as much as another 3 years of daily work before completion.
Motherboard: Asus Z170
Processor: i7-7000 @4.20GHz
RAM: 64 GB
Graphics Card: NVirdia 1070 GTX
Capture Card: AVerMedia Live Gamer HD
NOTE: Chat is set to emote only on my Twitch channel and my personal contact information has been removed from my website and every place else, due to the HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of false reports of "information", along with vile hateful memes about the murder of my family being sent to me by trolls who think mocking the murder of my family is funny.
FBI Agent Andy Drewer out of the Portland, Maine FBI office is in charge of the of the April 10, 2015 kidnapping of my 12 children by 14 Ku Klux Klan men who invaded our home and the subsequent May 15, 2015 murder of 10 of the 12 whom had their heads nailed to my front door. If you have information about the case, give it to him not me. He can be reached @ +1-(207)-774-9322
*"Watching people defend someone they're a fan of, completely dismissing any evidence of wrongdoing, just because they think they know that creator like a close friend based solely on what they've seen in videos and stuff. Parasocial relationships are terrifying." ~ Welsknight Gaming*
"You people who watch, follow, subscribe to, and defend the streamers who spread malicious sex lies about others, are accessories to the crimes they perpetrate. Without viewers like you, my family would not have been murdered by fans of bitches like them." ~EelKat
“Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass.” - Anton Chekhov
“Read, read, read. Read everything -- trash, classics, good and bad, and see how they do it. Just like a carpenter who works as an apprentice and studies the master. Read! You'll absorb it. Then write. If it's good, you'll find out.” - William Faulkner
“Many writers write because they’ve been there, seen that, did it and burnt their fingers” - Bangambiki Habyarimana
"Close the door. Write with no one looking over your shoulder. Don’t try to figure out what other people want to hear from you; figure out what you have to say. It’s the one and only thing you have to offer."- Barbara Kingsolver
"I'm writing a first draft and reminding myself that I'm simply shoveling sand into a box so that later I can build castles." - Shannon Hale
"It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something."
- Franklin D. Roosevelt
The best place to hide a body is on any random second page of Google search results. No one ever looks there.
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and you can sell him fishing gear for the rest of his life.
"Writing a novel is like driving a car at night. You can only see as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way." - E. L. Doctorow
“You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you.” - Ray Bradbury
"You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club." - Jack London
"This violence against our Asian American neighbors is from the mouth of hell. Hate acts. It does not stay confined to the heart & mind. It incites the tongue. Untreated, it travels to hands & feet. Hate is murderous. (1Jn 3:15) Stand against it. Speak against it. Pray against it." - Beth Moore
"To produce a mighty book, you must choose a mighty theme." - Herman Melville