Welcome to the New
Space Dock 13!
Helping Authors Write Weird, Bizarre, Absurd, Psychedelic Horror-Fantasy Since 1996!
(We've Moved & Changed URLs; Space Dock 13 is now EelKat.com)
(We are also novel-writing-tips.com, a-pink-unicorn.com, & of course are still SpaceDock13.com)
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OMG!
We beat our traffic record for this website!
On December 23, 2019 THIS PAGE got 300,000 views in a single day!
And here's another page to answer how and why that page got so much traffic.
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I Now Hold The World Record
For The Highest Level Ever Achieved in Witcher 3!!
If This Video Is Active, I'm Live Streaming Right Now...
WARNING:
Avallac'h & Ciri Shipping Happens Daily In My Cult of Avallac'h Stream
(This seems to piss people off so we seem to need to provide a warning about it)
Vanilla Avallac'h vs Modded Avallac'h
Vanilla Avallac'h vs Modded Avallac'h
If you are Mormon, Mason, Jewish, or Zoroastrian, take a close look at his gambeson and see what you see. If you are Mormon, Mason, Jewish, or Zoroastrian, you'll see it and you'll know exactly what it means. On the other hand if you are a Gentile or an Infidel, you won't have a clue.
>>Both images on the left from May 2018, the 1st Avallac'h Playthrough
Vanilla Avallac'h has black hair and eyebrows turned grey, and has an appalling LOD of 5 and draw distance of 7, and has no hairworks effects, no wind effects, and while his 3d model & texture files have wrinkles, scars, bruises, bug bites, moles, and veins, you can't see them on the vanilla settings.
Also while Avallac'h's clothen had a RedCloth file, it had very low grade settings/pollies causing the details of the cloth weave, seam stitches, and embroidery to be blurry.
Vanilla Avallac'h has pupils that react to light, like all other characters in the game.
>>Both images on the right from September 15, 2020, the 3rd Avallac'h Playthrough
Modded Avallac'h has a 5,000 LOD and draw distance, resulting in wrinkles, scars, bruises, bug bites, moles, and veins on his skin can now be seen. This also revealed that he has a fine scar down the side of his nose and one over his eyebrow, both were not visible at all with the vanilla LOD settings.
Hairworks and wind effects have been added to his hair.
While we are talking about his hair... notice that he wears payot. If you don't know what payot are or why a man would have them... Google will help you. It brands him as Hasidic.
His hair and eyebrows are changed to blond (as described in the novels), his skin has been lightened several shades (again to match novel descriptions), and he has new texture files for his eyes to make them pale ice aquamarine with pink pupils, as described in the novels.
Modded Avallac'h has pupils that are frozen into tiny pinpricks and never grow or retract with light changes, matching the information we were told about him having suffered severe nerve damage which caused him to have tiny frozen pupils that did not react to light.
Because the file which changes a character's pupils, is NOT connected to their eye file, but rather is connected to their shadow file and changes not only the size and shape of pupils in different lights, it also changes the shadows on their face, and changes the intensity of their makeup.
The result of changing this file, is that shadows on Avallac'h's face are now fainter and his vanilla very dark eyeshadow is now many shades much lighter.
This results in a bright highlight on his cheekbones, making them much paler, and has caused an illusion that his cheekbones are even sharper than before, even though no change was made to his 3D model bone structure... i is simply a result of less shadow below his cheekbones with brighter highlight over them, and fewer shadows around his eyes.
I increased the depth of Avallac'h's RedCloth file (edited the 3D model to make ridged details a deeper depth) and increased settings/pollies causing the details of the cloth weave, seam stitches, and embroidery to be much sharper and more noticable, making the cloth look more real.
And speaking of the cloth looking more real... if you are a Gentile or an Infidel, you won't have a clue what it was I mentioned earlier, so let me point it out... on the beast of his gambeson, right over the nipple, there are slash marks that are stitched into a very specific pattern/design... this marks Avallac'h as a very high ranking priest, one who has access to the deepest, inner circles of the Temple, on par with The Levite in the Bible, it also tells us that he is a virgin and living celibate lifestyle because of his religious rank.
On their own, the slash marks do not identify a specific religion, but one of 5 religions. However, that, with the payot, and the fact that he covers his head when going outside, brands him as a Hasidic Jew.
We further know that in the novels, ALL Elves are Jewish, and the masque of the Elves during the Human invasion, was an outright retelling of the Holocaust, and Avallac'h spoke an ancient dialect of Hebrew and was unable to understand most Humans as he spoke none of the common tongues.
Raise your hand if you ACTUALLY KNOW what Manna is? Sephiroth? Sackcloth and ashes? Golems? The Tree of Life? The Pentagram? Tzitzit? Are you able to explain ANY of those things and what they are, when you encounter them in quests in the game?
Can you explain WHY Geralt meditates on a prayer rug facing East?
Explain to me WHY after her grandmother dies, Ciri shreds her cloths, starts wearing sackcloth, and rolls her golden blond hair in ashes to turn it into dreadlocks, resulting her becoming known as "the ashen haired maid"?
When the game shows you Avallac'h naked in Kaer Morhen, can you read the Hebrew writing tattoo across his chest and abdomen? Do you know what the symbols on his tattoos mean?
After having watched more than 5,000 playthroughs of Witcher 3 on Twitch, I'm continually amazed at how few people ever recognize the plethora of openly Jewish characters and miss the HUNDREDS of Holocaust reference easter eggs that flood every segment of the game.
And now that the books are becoming popular, after 40 years of being ignored by the bulk of society... it likewise amazes me, how many people are so clueless about the Holocaust and what happened to the Jews in Poland, that they read the Witcher novels with blind eyes, and completely miss that the Gnomes and Elves are blatantly Jewish, while the Humans are blatantly Nazi, and the mass murder of millions of Jewish Gnomes and Elves at the hands of their Nazi Human invaders, is an outright retelling of the events of real world history.... of that happened just 80 years ago.
Our world is in a pitiful state if the so recent mass murder of 20 million is so easily forgotten, so soon.
If you know nothing about the Holocaust, you REALLY shouldn't play this game or read the novels it was based on, because you'll completely miss the message they send. It'll go right over your head.
Spend a year or two doing some massive research into the Holocaust, especially what happened in Poland, and THEN play the game and read the novels, and THEN remember that the author who created this: was a Polish Jew who as a small child, saw his friends and family murdered, and then you'll understand why he wrote what he wrote.
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The Princess Bride predicting Covid-19?
EXTREME SPOILER WARNING!
Please be aware that nearly every page on this website contains spoilers to something. I talk about a lot of fandoms, and go into great detail analyzing them when I do. If I am talking about The Witcher series, InuYasha, Disney Ducks, the Quaraun series, or any other fandom, you WILL encounter spoilers about it.
EK's STAR LOG
CATEGORY ARCHIVES:
The Autism & Me Squidoo Article
An Autistic Person Speaks Out On
What It Is REALLY Like To Live With Autism
How Disgusted She Is With Asperger's People Pretending To Have Autism
And Why Authors Who Write An "Autistic" Character With Asperger's Symptoms Are Doing More Harm Then Good
The 10th Anniversary Return EelKat's Biggest "Big Lens"
Autism & Me
A Plea To NaNoWriMo Overachievers:
If You're Gonna Write Autistic Characters,
Then Stop Research Asperger's And
Start Researching Autism For A Change!
As has been requested (endlessly) EK's Star Log is returning to the internet. You can still read the original archive here... https://eelkat.wordpress.com
The reason you couldn't find it is because I set it to private un-index mode, meaning it no longer shows up in Google search results and can only be accessed by a direct link.
Meaning, if you didn't have the url for it, no amount of searching for it would tell you how to find it. Anyone who had the url could still access it though.
I had set it to private September 23, 2013, intending to move each page here to EelKat.com... however, November 14, 2013, after only moving about 30 pages, I was beaten up and left paralyzed for 5 months, then spent 18 months relearning to walk. I am still crippled and have limited mobility.
Below is one of the blog posts that originally appeared on EK's Star Log. The original articles are still online but no longer indexed in Google. Links to the original article, are included with this post, as is the original posting date. Clicking the links will take you to the original site, where you can see the old Space Dock 13 website still online. Space Dock 13 as it looked when hosted on WordPress from 2003 to 2013.
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Resources:
Where to find ACTUAL (Accurate) Information on ACTUAL Mental Illnesses
Every year since 2004, I post in the Mental Illness thread on NaNoWriMo, a list of places where authors can find actual/accurate information on a variety of mental illnesses and physical disabilities to help them write their characters more accurately. Most of these site also have lists of other sites as well.
Here for you now, is that list:
Act Early on Developmental Concerns: Partnering with Early Intervention
Adolescents with autism spectrum disorder at risk for bullying
Advancing Futures for Adults with Autism
Advice for autistic adults about work - NASAlmost half of kids with autism are bullied, study shows
American Association of People with Disabilities
American Association on Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities
American Foundation for the Blind
American Psychological Association
American Psychological Association's Trauma Psychology Division
Americans Disabled for Accessible Public Transit
An Anti-Bullying Intervention for Children with Autism
Anxiety and Depression Association of America
AnxietySocialNet - Agoraphobia support groups and more
Archives of Scientific Psychology®
Are Autistic People More Sensitive To Trauma
Asian American Journal of Psychology
Assistance Dog Advocacy Project
The Association Between Bullying and the PsychologicalAssociation for Applied Psychophysiology and Biofeedback
Association of University Centers on Disabilities
Australian Centre for Posttraumatic Mental Health
Australasian Society for Traumatic Stress Studies
Autism and Asperger Syndrome Educator’s Guides, Organization for Autism Research (OAR)
Autism Genetics Initiative Data Archive
Autism Genetics Resource Exchange
Autism, PDD-NOS & Asperger's fact sheets | BullyingAutism, Ptsd, And Emdr | My PTSD Forum
The Autism Speaks Transition Tool Kit
Autistic Self Advocacy Network
Autism Source, Autism Society of America (ASA)
Autism Spectrum Disorder and bullying
Autism Wandering Awareness Alerts Response Education (AWAARE)
Behavior Analysis: Research and Practice
Biofeedback Foundation of Europe
BC Schizophrenia Society Foundation
Bullying | Autism SpeaksBullying Among Adolescents With Autism Spectrum DisordersBullying & Abuse | Life on the SpectrumBullying and Autism: Helping Kids CopeBullying and Autism - Medical Home Portal
Bullying and Autism Spectrum Disorders: guidance for
Bullying and autism spectrum disorders - Norfolk Schools
Bullying: children & teens with autismBullying, disability and mental health
Bullying Experiences Among Children and Youth with Autism
Bully Stoppers - Victorian Government
Canadian Foundation for Trauma Research & Education
Canadian National Institute for the Blind
Canadian Psychology / Psychologie canadienne
Cannon (1942/1957). "Voodoo" death. (Walter Cannon's seminal article on death through the shock of terror.)
Care For Disabled Veterans: Acknowledging Post-traumatic Stress Disorder from Iraq War Experience
Caring for Children With Autism Spectrum Disorders: A Resource Toolkit for Clinicians
CDC’s Disability and Health Program
CDC’s National Center on Birth Defects and Developmental Disabilities Funding Opportunities
The Center on the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning (CSEFEL)
Center for Evolutionary Psychology
Child Abuse Prevention Network
The Child Survivor of Traumatic Stress [newsletter]
Children and Adults with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
Children’s Health Insurance Program
Clinical Practice in Pediatric Psychology®
Code of Federal Regulations, Title 45, Part 46
Community Alliance for the Ethical Treatment of Youth
Council of Parent Attorneys and Advocates
Cultural Diversity & Ethnic Minority Psychology®
Data Resource Center for Child and Adolescent Health
The Decline in Child Sexual Abuse Cases.
Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance
Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics Online
Developmental Screening/Testing Coding
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders
Disability Rights Education and Defense Fund
Disabled Peoples' International
DisAbled Women's Network Canada
Down Syndrome Advocacy Foundation
Drew Westen's Lab of Personality & Psychopathology
Eastern Association for the Surgery of Trauma
EEG & Clinical Neuroscience Society
The Effects of Psychological Trauma on Children with Autism
Equal Employment Opportunity Commission
ERIC - The Experience of Friendship, Victimization and Bullying in ChildrenEuropean Federation of Associations of Families with Mental Illness
EFORT European Federation of National Associations of Orthopaedics and Traumatology
European Society for Trauma and Dissociation
European Society for Traumatic Stress Studies
Exploring the Nature of Traumatic Memory
Family Association for Mental Health Everywhere
Families for Depression Awareness
Family Council - Empowerment For Families
Focus on Bullying and Autism Spectrum Disorders | StarrFoundations of Positive Psychology
F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Down Syndrome Advocacy Group
From "Bully" to Bullied - Autism Spectrum ExplainedGalloway's Society for the Blind
The Growing Concern of Suicide and High Functioning AutismHealth Resources and Services Administration
Human Behavior and Evolution Society
Information Sheet Bullying and Autism Spectrum Disorders
International Bipolar Foundation
The International Classification of Diseases
International Consortium for Brain Mapping
International Disability and Development Consortium
International Society for Neuronal Regulation
International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies
International Trauma Studies Program
Journal of Abnormal Psychology®
Journal of Applied Psychology®
The Journal of Injury and Violence Research (JIVR)
Journal of Personality and Social Psychology®
Journal of Rural Mental Health®
Leaving the Mentally Ill Out in the Cold (newspaper/blog post)
Learning Disabilities Association of America - Disability Rights and Advocacy
Lew Goldberg's International Personality Item Pool
Life Journey Through Autism Series, Organization for Autism Research (OAR)
Maeve: Psychiatric Service Dog and Mental Health Advocate
Marriage Advocates - Infidelity and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Mencap (The Royal Society for Mentally Handicapped Children and Adults)
Mental Disability Advocacy Center
Mental Health Advocacy Services
Mental Health for Youth in Armed Conflict
Mental Health Services Locator, National Mental Health Information Center
Mental Wellness Today (magazine - has large article database)
Mood Disorders Society of Canada
Mood Disorders Association of Ontario - Helpful Links
Muscular Dystrophy Association
Naropa University: Somatic Counseling Psychology
National Advocate for People with Down Syndrome
National Association of County and City Health Officials
National Association for the Education of Young Children (NAEYC)
National Alliance on Mental Illness
National Association of the Deaf
National Association of Special Education Teachers
National Centre Against Bullying - The Alannah and Madeline Foundation
National Center for Education Statistics
National Center for Health Statistics
National Center of Medical Home Initiatives for Children with Special Needs
National Child Traumatic Stress Network
National Database for Autism Research
National Dissemination Center for Children with Disabilities (NICHCY)
National Network of Adult and Adolescent Children who have a Mentally Ill Parent
The National Professional Development Center on Autism Spectrum Disorders
NCP Clinicians Trauma Update Online
North American Society for Childhood Onset Schizophrenia
Office of the Children's eSafety Commissioner - Australian Government
Office of Special Education and Rehabilitative Services
Open Culture: Free Online Classes
Operation Autism for Military Families
A Parent’s Guide to Evidence-Based Practice and Autism
Parkinson's Disease Foundation
Pet Partners - Denied Access, Now What?
PTSD - AUTCOM - The Autism National CommitteePTSD | Autism SpeaksPost-Traumatic Stress Disorder | The Scott CenterThe Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Alliance
PTSD and Autism - The Thinking Moms' RevolutionPTSD and Autism It has amazed me how... - AutismPrejudice. No way! - NSW Government
Primate Handedness and Brain Lateralization
Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, and Policy®
Questioning Answers: PTSD and autismRacism. No way! - NSW Government
Raindrop: Death Education for Children of all Ages
Recovered Memories of Sexual Abuse: Research and Resources
Reflections on The Problem of Psychic Trauma
Retrieving, Assessing, and Classifying Traumatic Memories
Schizophrenia and Related Disorders Alliance of America - SARDAA
Schizophrenia Awareness Association of India
Schizophrenia News and Information
Schizophrenia Society of Canada
Schizophrenia Society of Ontario - Official SiteSchool Accreditation, National Association for the Education of Young Children (NAEYC)
Special Education Technical Assistance and Dissemination Network
Spina Bifida Association of America
Stigmatization of People with Autism Spectrum DisordersStress, Trauma and Sleep in Children
Suicide Awareness Voices of Education
Survey finds 63% of children with autism bullied - CBS NewsTeaching Tips for Children and Adults with Autism
Terrorism Injuries: Information, Dissemination and Exchange (TIIDE)
tips for educatorsTrauma Intervention Programs, Inc.
The Traumatic Stress Centre (Wales)
UK Psychological Trauma Society
University of Washington - Fact Sheets - Facts About Mental Illness and Violence
Using Drawing as Intervention with Traumatized Children
Washington Autism Alliance & Advocacy
Webcast Berkeley: online courses & speakers at UC Berkeley
When Bullies Target Autistic Kids | Support for Special NeedsWhy Autistic Kids Make Easy Targets for School BulliesYoung Children with Challenging Behavior
Autism & Me:
The Squidoo Lens
10th Anniversary
(2007 to 2017)
During NaNoWriMo 2007's novel writing contest, a forum thread was started... a young author wanted to write an Autistic main character and asked on the NaNoWriMo forum if any one could tell her how to write a mental illness that she did not have and also knew no one with... the result was a 700 page non-fiction book, called "Autism and Me: On Being An Adult With Autism, A Look Into My Everyday Life."
Originally published on LuLu as a book for sale, a month later I unpublished it and released it as a free to read online series of articles on Squidoo. I continued to add new articles to the series on a near monthly basis in the 10 years since then.
The series of pages linked below, are those articles, the 2007 originals, the ones written in the years since, and the 2017 10th Anniversary updates on what has changed in the decade since those first articles were released.
Don't Know Where To Start?
Start With These Two First
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Autism & Me - Part 2: A look at REAL Autism and the urban myths spread by those with a self-diagnosis. |
"People deserve a break. The stressed and unorganized person who doesn’t have the same priorities as you. They may be dealing with an autistic child, abusive spouse, fading parents, or cancer. Don’t judge people until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. Give them a break instead."
— Guy Kawasaki
I'm a woman who has had 7 miscarriages, and wears "elaborate clothes". Because I have no children, the residents of Old Orchard Beach, beat me up, calling me a transsexual, claiming only a man would dress like I do, claiming that the reason I have no children is because I'm not really female.
They left me paralyzed and crippled.
They crushed my hips, my pelvis, and my spine, and took away, what little chance I had to carry a pregnancy to full term.
I'm crippled for the rest of my life. I can barely walk now. It's why I'm now on a cane. Any hope I had of having children is gone now.
That's the reality, of the gay hatred of this town.
I have Autism. I wear pink. I wear glitter. I talk with a "funny gay sounding voice".
Acording to the people in this towm:
I walk like a fag...
talk like a fag...
dress like a fag...
act like a fag...
and therefor must be treated like a fag...
I need to be taught my place...
I deserve to be shot in the head...
I look gay, and therefore I must be,
because no one but gay men, talk in this voice
no one but gay men wear pink
no one but gay men wear glitter
no one but gay men prance instead of walk...
so they beat me up, because I'm "too gay" for Old Orchard Beach
they cut my car in half, because I'm "too gay" for Old Orchard Beach
they put a bomb in my house, because I'm "too gay" for Old Orchard Beach
they filled my motorhome with feces, because I'm "too gay" for Old Orchard Beach
they kidnapped my cats, because I'm "too gay" for Old Orchard Beach
they drove a back hoe over my house, because I'm "too gay" for Old Orchard Beach
they cut my cats heads off and nailed their heads to my door, because I'm "too gay" for Old Orchard Beach
because I have Autism
and that makes me "too gay for the family friend town of Old Orchard Beach"
I used to dance when I walked... but after 5 months paralyzed, 18 months relearning to walk, and now 4 years later, my leg is lame and I am crippled, barely able to stand, dragging a lame leg, I'll never dance again.
Do you know what that's like?
Can you even begin to imagine?
To be an Autistic person, who can no longer dance when I walk?
They hate gay men so much, that they are willing to beat up a childless autistic women, in ill health, accusing her of being a transvestite.
Because these evil people took away my ability to have children, I had cats; but they took my cats, and cut off their heads, and nailed them to my door.
Welcome to Old Orchard Beach. The gay-hating capital of Maine.
This is the reality of how Autistics are seen by the world.
This is the reality of how Autistics are treated by "normal" people.
This is the reality of being transgender in Old Orchard Beach.
This is the reality of what bullies do to someone with mental illnesses, they do not understand.
This is the reality of living with Autism.
Do You Know The Identity
of the People Who Did These Things?
Have Information?
Please Call FBI Agent
Andy Drewer @ (207) 774-9322
Once you’ve seen, you can no longer act like you don’t know.
Open your eyes to the truth. It’s all around you.
Don’t deny what the eyes to your soul have revealed to you.
Now that you know, you cannot feign ignorance.
Now that you’re aware of the problem, you cannot pretend you don’t care.
To be concerned is to be human.
― Vashti Quiroz-Vega
"Ignore and ignorance share the same root."
— Kathryn Erskine
“With ignorance comes fear- from fear comes bigotry. Education is the key to acceptance.”
― Kathleen Patel, The Bullying Epidemic-the guide to arm you for the fight
A Plea To NaNoWriMo Overachievers:
If You're Gonna Write Autistic Characters,
Then Stop Research Asperger's And
Start Researching Autism For A Change!
"Can anyone tell me how to write characters with autism while avoiding stereotypes? Thank you."
Here is my response to a question from the NaNoWriMo forums on avoiding the stereo types when writing about characters with Autism:
"Can anyone tell me how to write characters with autism while avoiding stereotypes? Thank you."
My response, resulted in a 700+ page non-fiction book on living with autism.
The response, went off into a rant, not because of the person asking the question, but instead, because of the 300+ Asperger's patients who responded to the question to tell her how to write ASPEGER'S characters, all while claiming their Asperger's was the SAME THING as Autism.
More then 2,000 forum posts were added to the thread, by these 300+ people, boldly spreading huge amounts of extremely inaccurate misinformation about what Autism is and is not, and helping to spread the urban myth that Aspergers is a type of Autism.
Sadly after taking 3 days to read every post on the thread, I finally reached the end to find that not even ONE of the more then 2,000 posts had given her ANY information about Autism.
My response is too long for one page, all pages are being linked to here:
Think you know what it's like to live with Autism?
You might be surprised how little you really know.
A look at REAL Autism and the myth spread by those with a self-diagnosis.
Got An Autism Related Site Or Blog?
Want To Embed These Quotes, Memes, and Fact Sheets On Your Site?
Here's How:
- Step 1: Go to this Pinterest Board:
- Step 2: Click on the pin quote/meme you want to use.
- Step 3: Click the 3 dots "..."
- Step 4: Click the word "embed"
- Step 5: Select the pin size (I'm using size "medium" on these pages, in case you were wondering.)
- Step 6: Highlight & copy the html code.
- Step 7: Paste code into any html block on your blog or website.
- Step 8: Save & publish your blog or website. And you're done!
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Autism and the Stigmas - Why Can’t You Accept Me As Me?
As an Autistic, I can tell you outright that I really hate it when people start sticking pills at me and telling me if I would take them I’d be normal.
You know what? I have no problem with who I am, I do not see any reason why I should change. I am different, yes. I know that, and have never denied it. I just want people to stop telling my to *be normal* or how nice it would be if I would *seek medical help*.
Me sewing pink dresses and paining pictures and writing novels, is not me needing to seek medical help.
You building a bomb and blowing up my house and setting fire to my clothes and killing my pets... that's YOU being a psychopath and needing medical help.
Me putting up 144 no trespassing signs across the end of my driveway, to keep out violent, bomb building home invaders, is not me needing medical help.
You trespassing on my private property, breaking into my house at 1AM, and putting a bomb in my kitchen, you shooting at me when I try to get my mail, you bring your entire church congregation to my yard and standing my my driveway calling me a demon possessed witch... that's YOU needing medical help.
Get your facts straight.
I'm not bothering anybody. You are.
I never leave me land. You are invading my privacy.
I'm sitting here painting and sewing and trying to ignore you yelling at me. You are the one harassing me.
I'm not the one coming to your house bothering you. YOU are the one coming to my house bothering me.
Think about it.
If I'm crazy... what are YOU?
I’d just like the whole pack of them to leave me alone . . . I don’t need a bunch of Hitlers in my life telling me how to act, how to talk (which I don’t and that pisses most people off), or anything else. I am not you, why do you expect me to act just like you do?
I am not a clone.
I am me.
I am normal.
Normal is what you were born as.
Every one was born to be normal in their own way. Just because what is normal for me, is not normal for you, doesn’t make it wrong or bad, or anything else. It just means that for me, normal is different than it is for you.
Besides, when you start being rude and staring at me and trying to get me to stare at you, and rudely talking to me, when I didn’t speak to your first, I look at you and think: “What the hell is wrong with this freak? Didn’t any one ever teach them any manners? ”
If you had decent manners you would know it was rude to stare and rude to speak when not spoken to, and yet, here you are trying to make eye contact with me and talking your fool head off.
You see, in my mind, it is you being weird and freaky and not acting normal, but do I try to poke pills at you or call you retarded?
No. I don’t do those things because I have the moral decency not to be rude.
I esp don’t like people who walk up to you and say: “Why don’t you answer me? What are you retarded?” I really, really, REALLY hate that. To be retarded you require an IQ of 70 or less. The average IQ is 90 – 100. Less than 3% of the population has an IQ above 130. Want to know what my IQ is? I’ll tell you. It’s 138. I don't like taking about it and I wouldn't bring it up, if YOU were not yelling at me and saying I'm retarded. Do you even know what retarded means? Look it up. Retarded means having an IQ of 70 or less. I’m about as far as you can get from being retarded, so don’t call me retarded just because I don’t talk or make eye contact.
I’ve been asked why I don’t join any groups for people like me. I’m afraid I can’t really comment on those groups because I’m not familiar with any of the autism groups. I’m not a busy body who needs constant gossip (what most people call socialization, I call rude gossiping). The way I see it, that’s all those so-called groups are. A place to gossip and waste time. My time is better spent elsewhere.
Thing is, I've never been included.
I am unwanted.
I know this, because people tell me every day, that they do not want to be near me, do not want to spend time with me, and would never dream of including someone like me in any activity where they would have to be seen in public with me.
My family tells me this. My mother. Even my so-called best friend, the high priest, who says he can not be seen in public with me because "What would the bishop think" or "What would Rick think?"
I wasn't allowed to go to school.
I wasn't allow to go to the doctor. Not even through any of the pregnancies and miscarriage. 7 total. The first one happened when I was 14. I'm not supposed to talk about them. I'm supposed to pretend they never happened. I would loved to have loved my babies. Had they lived, at least I would have had someone human to talk to. But I'm not even allowed to acknowledge them at alll. "What would the bishop think?" The high priest does not care that his own children are dead. He is glad of it. Now the bishop will never know what he did. That's all he cares about - what the bishop will think. He doesn't care about me, my pain, my sadness, my loneliness.... I'm not even allowed to morn my dead babies. I'm supposed to pretend they never happened. How can he be so mean, so evil, so cruel, so cold, so heartless? There is no love in him. He is a very selfish man, who only cares how he looks to the bishop. Nothing else matters to him.
My mother says he loves me. She says he wouldn't spend so much money on our family to have me, if he didn't.
I don't believe her.
I don't think he knows how to love. He cares only about himself and how he looks to the church. He may be able to hide 7 dead babies from the bishop... but he can not hide them from god. God knows what he did. God sees all. God knows all. He can lie and say there was no baby... but god knows the truth.
He does not love me.
If he loved me, he would let me mourn my dead babies.
I am unloved.
I know this, because the only two people to tell me they loved me are both dead. Grammy Helen died when I was 8. Grammy Eva died when I was 17. No one else ever tells me they love me. They are too busy telling me I'm twisted, corrupted, evil, unholy, unrighteous, or the child of Satan.
Once in a while, one of them will have the snarky comment "Will, at least Jesus loves you. Don't know why he would, but, he even loves shit like you."
My mother only ever allowed me to have one friend. The high priest who raped me every day, and paid my parents bills in exchange. He's the only friend she would let me have. He's 30 years older then me. I've been forced to obey his every whim since I was 12. He says I can't have any friends other then him either, because if I had other friends, they'd find out about him, and no one can know. He doesn't allow me to get a job or drive a car. I'm almost 40 years old and he won't let me get a driver's license. Sex is all he cares about. Sex and money. He uses sex as a weapon - forces it on me when I don't want it; refuses it when I do. He is extreme sadistic and very sexually, verbally, and emotionally abusive.
Of course, as the years went by, I have learned that I don’t like being around people.
No one has anything good to say to me.
No one has anything good to say about me.
The only time I'm ever included in any group activities, it's so they can bully me, tease me, and push me.
I've never had a friend.
I used to want a friend.
I've given up hoping that there will every be a kind or loving person in my life who wants to be my friend. My cats are the only friends I have. My cats are the only ones I have to talk to. My cats are the only ones I have who will spend time with me. My cats are the only reason I go one each day. My cats are the only reason I have to want to live. I'd have killed myself years ago if I didn't have my cats to love me.
Why is the high priest so mean to me? He talks in terms of punishment. Punishment, for no going to church, when it is he who will not let me go to church. He yells at me constantly because I do not have a temple recommend and yet I do not have a temple recommend because he told the bishop I was not allowed to have one. If I try to take the sacraments he grabs my arm and drags me from the church and says I'm not allowed to take them, but when we get home he makes me sleep outside under the tarp because I didn't take them.
I don't know which one of him to obey or believe, he changes who he is so many times a day. He has 7 different people that he is, most of them I can tolerate, but not the high priest. The high priest so evil, he makes grandpa and the uncles look like saints. I hate the high priest. He is evil beyond evil. So full of hate. So cruel.
February 10, 2007 was the coldest day in Maine history. It was -47F below zero, -112F with wind chill factor. I begged him and begged him to please let me sleep inside. It is so cold I can barely feel my hands. My lungs hurt. It hurts to breath. He won't me in. He says "What would the bishop think, if he let a sinner like me sleep in the house at night." I'm losing the use of my left hand. It hakes all the time and can not feel my fingers any more. Why is he doing this to me? My cats are under the tarp with me. He only lets his two cats Jerry and Tom sleep inside at night. He makes my cats stay outside too. They keep me warm at night. It is so cold. The wind goes through the tarp like it's not even there.
No one loves me. I used to wish and pray every day for some one to love me.
But god never heard my prayers. I'm not sure I believe he's there any more.
It's hard to believe in someone who never does anything to let you know he is there.
If he is there, he certainly doesn't care about me or love me enough to let me have a friend. I don't know why he hates me so much. I wish at least god would love me. But he doesn't. No one does. My cats are the only ones who do. They are the only ones who care. If I didn't have my cats, I wouldn't bother being alive tomorrow. I've no reason to want to live. No one loves me. I have no one to love.
There is no greater happiness, then to love and be loved in return. I wish someone loved me.
I don’t like to get involved in groups and such, because that means being around people and being out in public, both of which means there will be folks pestering me to talk and that’ll lead to teasing, and I really don’t want to deal with rude, cruel mouthed, and cuts and bruises from them beating me up, and the pain of the high priest not letting me go to a doctor because the doctors might find out about him, mean people anymore so I rarely leave the house anymore.
I used to try to be around people. I used to want to be around people. But there is just so many times you can call a person retarded, or schizoid, or crazy, before I finally, say: Why did I want to be around people when all people do is hurt me?
For 30 years I dreamed and hoped and wished and prayed... I wanted to be around people. I wanted to be loved. I wanted a friend. But I know now that god hate me and will never allow me to have those things. The high priest is right: I am too ugly to be loved, too unworthy, no one will ever love me. No one will ever want me. I have my cats and when they are gone, I will kill myself and then the high priest will not have to worry about hiding me from his bishop any more, and he can be happy and can be free, and maybe in the next life, some one there will love me, because no one here does.
People preach kindness and understanding and acceptance, but you’d be surprised how very few actually practice what they preach when they are forced to come face to face with someone like me.
I wish someone would love me.
I wish some one would be my friend.
I wish I had someone to talk too.
I wish someone would spend time with me.
The section above was originally written in 2007.
A 2017 10th Anniversary update is coming soon and will appear in this section below.
February 2007
This was the morning after the first of 3 blizzards that week
(photo taken by my brother who was worried and came to check on me)
October 2007
(again, my brother stopped by to check on me and took this photo while he was there)
April 10, 2010
Inside The Tent - My Bed, for 9 Years:
(the bed is made out of hay and discarded cloths)
The tarp is 8' by 6'
Inside living space is 6' by 4' and almost 2' tall
2017 Update:
My cats are gone.
Evil people took them.
Evil people killed them.
Evil people cut their heads off.
Evil people nailed their heads to the door.
I questioned the existence of god 10 years ago... now I know without a doubt, there is no god.
The only friends I had are gone. Murdered by monsters who call themselves humans.
I repeat what I said on Squidoo 10 years ago....
I wish someone would love me.
I wish some one would be my friend.
I wish I had someone to talk too.
I wish someone would spend time with me.
Back then I had my cats.
Now I have no one at all.
I wish I had my cats to love me still, now I have no one at all.
I wish I still had my cats to be my friends.
I wish I had my cats to talk too.
I wish I had my cats to spend time with me.
And the high priest is worse then ever. He no longer worries about what the bishop thinks - he's left the Mormon church. Now all he cares about is doing good deeds to others (while continuing to abuse and neglect me) he's doing good deeds, because each good deed is another gold brick added to his mansion in heaven, or so he says.... so says the man who thinks nothing of raping children and wiping away all memory of the existence of the children he fathered in children.
He made me live under the tarp for 9 years. From May 9, 2006, until March 31, 2015. I've lost most of the use of my left arm. I never recovered the frostbrite from 2007, my arm hurts all the time. It's difficult for me to type or hold a pen. The frostbite damaged my hands. I only have 3 fingers that still function well enough to type with now. I used to be a speed typer. Typed 191 words a minute. I can't draw any more. I can't sew anymore. The frost bit from 9 years living under the tarp, has crippled my hands. I continue to write but it's very hard now. My lungs have permanent damage now. It hurts to breath all the time now, not just in the winter.
He doesn't care, how badly he hurt my hands, or how little I can do any more. How crippled I've become. All he cares about is building his mansion in heaven. He keeps talking about the gold bricks and how every penny he put in a Salvation Army bin, is another gold brick for his mansion.
Does he really think, God is going to reward him for his PUBLIC SHOWS of charity, when he's so very abusive to his own family?
The last miscarriage was in 2006. He made me live under the tarp, because I dared get pregnant, and that's not allowed. He won't allow me to have children. He hates children.
I had a stroke in 2010, but he wouldn't let me go to the doctor. Something happened to my brain after the stroke - I can talk now. I'm not mute any more. I can speak in full sentence now instead of just garbled gibberish.
I have a driver's license now. Got that in 2012. Had to fight like hell to get it. But he put a locking gas cap on my car and keep track of the miles. I'm not allowed to go anywhere. He still won't let me have any friends.
10 years ago, I at least had my cats. Now I have no one, and I find it even harder now, to want to live.
Who killed my cats? And why? Why would someone do that? They all I had. Now I have no one.
No one cares.
It's bad enough no one cares, but some where out there, is someone who hates me, so much that they murdered to only ones who did care about me.
I want it to end. I don't want to live in this world any more.
Have Information?
Call FBI Agent Andy Drewer @ (207) 774-9322
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Have Information?
Call FBI Agent Andy Drewer @ (207) 774-9322
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If life gives you lemons,
then you grab life by the balls and say you're taking them too.
Why make lemonade when you can make testicle stew?
I don't take shit from no one,I stand up to bullies like you.
I don't like bullies, bullying me, cyberbullies, offline bullies, any bullies.
Say NO to the bullies of the world.~EelKat
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“Don’t turn your face away. Once you’ve seen, you can no longer act like you don’t know. Open your eyes to the truth. It’s all around you. Don’t deny what the eyes to your soul have revealed to you. Now that you know, you cannot feign ignorance. Now that you’re aware of the problem, you cannot pretend you don’t care. To be concerned is to be human. To act is to care.”
― Vashti Quiroz-Vega
Do YOU Find THESE Hate Crimes Funny?
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Do You Know Who The Bully Is Who Drove This Backhoe
Over My House August 8, 2013?
Have Information?
Call FBI Agent Andy Drewer
@ (207) 774-9322
The Tarp - My "House"
Since Cyber Bully "Kendra Silvermander's"
Bomb Blew Up My House
October 18, 2006
Above: The garbage vandals dumped in my yard, the day they shreaded my tarp
Below: The house days after the bomb blew it up
Or Maybe You Find These Shootings,
Beatings, Death Threats,
CAUGHT ON CAMERA
Maybe You Find Things Funny Too?
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Have Information?
Call FBI Agent Andy Drewer @ (207) 774-9322
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Ten Kidnapped Cats
Most Recent Pictures Of My Cats
The following pictures were taken on May 14, 2015, when the police officer who confessed to doing the majority of the damage and vandalism, let me go to the kennel where my cats were being held hostage to see them. You can see from the photos, the horrific living conditions my cats have been kept in these past 4 months since they were kidnapped on April 10, 2015. Each cat is being kept in a cage that is not even big enough for them to move.
The cats are shown from oldest to youngest:
Georgie - age 15
Emily - age 15
Mittens - age 15
Bela Lugosi - age 14
Dog - age 10
Fizzgig - age 9
Kewpie - age 6
Blackie - age 5
Sprout - age 5
Pipsisewah (Pippi) - age 5
Full details on how, when, and why the cats were kidnapped can be found ON THIS PAGE.
The cats are currently be held hostage HERE.
These senior house cats are being listed as feral barn cats, a fact that I find very upsetting. The description they have placed on my cats is as follows:
Desperately Seeking Barns
FoFF currently has dozens of feral cats, who will be fixed and vaccinated, needing country or semi-rural homes with barns or other outbuildings to relocate to. These cats will lose their feeders but cannot be fixed and relocated until they have places to go. (Which could mean more new kittens in the meantime.) Please help us by adopting 1, 2 or even a small group. In turn they will keep your barn free of rodents and other critters. Usual donation of $40 per cat reduced to what you can afford so we can help as many as possible. Help us get these guys into homes before winter!
Please help--the need is great!
Contact apfish255@gmail.com or call 797-3014.
A feral cat is one that has lived apart from humans for so long that it is not socialized to humans. It has been abandoned or was born in the wild and has lived so long in the wild that it is not a candidate for adoption into a home.
A stray cat, on the other hand, is a domestic cat that has been abandoned or lost. It can usually be socialized to live with humans again in a home.
Feral cats are best suited to living out