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A Look at Why There is So Much Suicide, Rape, and Abuse In The Quaraun Series


By EelKat Wendy C Allen

A Direct Answer, To a Direct Question,
That Demanded It Be Answered...


Suicide In The Quaraun Series

(June 12, 2017)

The question (after an hour long rant on why I should not write a gay couple):

"Why do you write this stuff? What's the point. It doesn't help any body. Why don't you write a book that actually helps people? Write a gardening book or something, like you used to do on Squidoo."

A local super Christian busy body do-goody was just here, doing the usual, bitch and moan and tell me I'm evil and going to hell, as he does every week. He's going to Heaven, I'm going to Hell, blah, blah, blah for 2 hours straight. He took his self righteous holier then thous, bigoted arrogant head out of his ass long enough to notice there was a book sitting on the shelf. A book he'd never seen before.

This book:

The paperback edition, sitting there in it's bright pink evilness.

He picks up the book, flips through it, see's the word "Fuck" and goes off into yet another holier then thou, he's the greatest piece of shit on the planet, he's going to Heaven, I'm going to Hell, this time because a fictional character in a book I wrote said "fuck".

I said to him: "There's worse things then swearing in that book."

He says: "Like what?"

I said: "Well, I know how much you hate sex and believe every one who's ever had sex is going to hell, which every one on the planet but you, because all normal people have sex."

He stares at me bug eyed and says: "There's sex in this book?"

Me: "Yep."

Him: "Graphic?"

Me: "It's Yaoi. It's boarding on Erotica."

He continues spouting out evangelical Biblical bigotry, while waving the book around. Every few seconds he flips through it again. Then screams: "I saw the f-word again!"

After about 20 minutes of this, he stops talking. Dead silence. He's reading the book. His eyes are wide with shock and horror. He sets the book down and stares at it like it was a grenade about to go off. Then he looks back at me and says: "That man had sex with a horse."

Me: "Uh-huh. It's Unicorn Porn. Quaraun's lover is a Unicorn."

Him: "I need to cleanse my brain with acid. That's bestiality."

Me: "Okay."

Can I stop writing here and direct you to this video:

Okay.

You know the book I was talking about in that video?

Yep. Same book.

Different reader, but same book.

There is NO bestiality in the Quaraun series. Unicorn is a shape shiftier and it very clearly states that he takes a Human form before engaging in sex with Quaraun. There's also no actual sex going on. It's Unicorn sitting there talking to Quaraun about what he wants to do to Quaraun. They are not actually having sex.

Reader imagination is putting things I didn't write in the story again.

*sigh*

Moving on...

He next has a rant which starts out with the words: "How did you get so corrupted?" Followed by Jesus this and Jesus that and Jesus here and Jesus there, moving on to the joys of Kay Kerr, the woman he can't stop lusting obsessively over even though he can't not allow himself to have sex because sex with any one is a one way ticket to Hell.

Several more minutes of his belittling me, tossing arrogant self-righteous hatred and put downs in my face, telling me 30 or 40 more times that I'm evil, corrupted, Satanic, and going to Hell, and oh yeah, it's all Etiole's fault,... then he calms down, stops screaming, and asks:

"Why do you write this stuff? What's the point. It doesn't help any body. Why don't you write a book that actually helps people? Write a gardening book or something, like you used to do on Squidoo."

Like I used to do on Squidoo? I'm sorry, since when has he ever read my Squidoo articles? He doesn't know anything about Etiole, because, oh let me think: he never read the 70+ Squidoo article series that made up Amphibious Aliens.  

No.

Amphibious Aliens is now celebrating 10 years in publication and 10 million lifetime views.

Is he one of those 10 million viewers?

No.

He's too busy calling Etiole an evil demon to actually stop and find out maybe he isn't.

But back to his question:

"Why do you write this stuff? What's the point. It doesn't help any body. Why don't you write a book that actually helps people? Write a gardening book or something, like you used to do on Squidoo."

I tried to answer him, but he didn't give me a chance to before he jumped back into his hysterical, Bible thumping accusations. Seeing how he said he'd read my answer if I took the time to write it out and send it to him, I've decided to do just that, and that is what this page is.

Yes, this page, titled:

Suicide In The Quaraun Series

...is the answer to the question:

"Why do you write this stuff? What's the point. It doesn't help any body. Why don't you write a book that actually helps people? Write a gardening book or something, like you used to do on Squidoo."

Quaraun's character is based off many things. Mostly events that took place in my own life. 

While there are several hundred local Christians, most of them Mormons, some of them Baptists, a few Pentecostal, who make a habit of actively, brutally, physically, and violent protesting my books, to the point that one of them crippled me and ruptured 3 discs in my spine and is now wanted by the FBI for attempted murder:

In addition to also killing my cats and nailing their heads to my door:



While these EXTREMELY RIGHTEOUS, animal abusing, woman beating, cat murders of the Most High God, spew their house bombing, car vandalizing, pet murdering hatred for my books, to date, not a single one of these excessively violent bullies has ever actually read ANY of the books they are protesting.

What do these 3 church groups have in common? One woman. One woman who attends all three of their churches. That one woman, who, by the way, is the woman who cut my car in half while screaming she was killing a demon:



THAT one woman, DID read this book:

And after reading the book and completely misunderstanding what she read, allowing her over active imagination to see things happening in the story that I never wrote at all, and that combined with she has been diagnosed by multiple doctors as having severe schizophrenia, that and the fact that she believes I am not a human, but am in her words "the child of Satan herself"... that all came together to result in this woman, after reading my book, went to these 3 churches with to spread lots of wild rumors and misinformation about the book, what it is, what it's about, what happens in it, and why I wrote it.

According to her, the book is Erotica. 

Yes. The woman who cut my car in half, is the same woman who started the rumors that the Quaraun series is Erotica.

The Quaraun series is NOT Erotica and you'd be hard pressed to find much sex in it.

Also according to her the book was "inspired by Satan", her proof being "it's about gay men", and as her and her three churches she attends all agree, "gay men are not humans, but rather demons in disguise, sent by Satan to corrupt the world".

If you go to GoodReads you'll find that actually gay men who've read the book, hate the book, because Quaraun is NOT GAY and they had bought the book, based off the reviews written by local Christians who had said he was gay.

Yes, that's true, if you actually read the book, you quickly discover that Quaraun is not gay.

Right in the opening scene, the story starts out with Quaraun talking to himself about his dead wife. Yes, wife. Yes. The man has a wife. In fact, he has four wives, in addition to 36 other female lovers whom he never married but had children with. Quaraun has 8 children that he acknowledges, and at least 36 more that he tries to pretend are not his.

Yes, this man with his 4 wives and 36 lovers whom he got pregnant, is just soooooo gay.

The Christians who gave it bad reviews because it's "gay", inspired lots of ACTUALLY gay men to buy the book and read it, resulting in, bad reviews by them, when they realized, OMG! Quaraun isn't gay at all!

To which some then say: "But Unicorn...."

Yes. Unicorn is gay. Unicorn is gay and he is obsessed with Quaraun, who is not gay.

Unicorn is also a rapist, a pedophile, a stalker, a murderer, a sadist, a dictator, and an extremely violent abuser. Unicorn has to have everything his way or no way and he'll beat to a pulp anyone who challenges him.

Quaraun submits to sex with Unicorn, because Quaraun is scared of Unicorn, not because Quaraun is gay.

Every sex scene you find between Quaraun and Unicorn, is a rape scene, with Unicorn viciously attacking Quaraun and raping him.

When I keep saying over and over again that:

QUARAUN IS NOT GAY

QUARAUN IS A RAPE VICTIM

I mean exactly what I said:

QUARAUN IS NOT GAY

QUARAUN IS A RAPE VICTIM

When I keep saying over and over again that:

THE QUARAUN SERIES IS NOT EROTICA

BECAUSE QUARAUN IS A RAPE VICTIM

AND RAPE IS NOT EROTIC

I mean exactly what I said:

THE QUARAUN SERIES IS NOT EROTICA

BECAUSE QUARAUN IS A RAPE VICTIM

AND RAPE IS NOT EROTIC

And when someone asks why that is?
The answer is quite simple:

I've never willingly had sex with a man. I wouldn't know what it was like to have kind, loving, consensual, non-brutal sex that wasn't rape, where I was given a choice in wither or not I wanted sex, and therefore I don't know how to write a sex scene that is anything other then rape.


As you follow the series along, you find that Unicorn's obsession with Quaraun reaches a point where Quaraun gives up and simply allows himself to be sexually abused, daily, for years on end, by the Unicorn, because he's realized he can't get away from the extremely obsessive creature that follows him every where he goes.

One of the most disturbing scenes of the entire series is in volume 3, BoomFuzzy, when it is revealed, just how long the Unicorn's obsession has been going on. While most of the series takes place when Quaraun is an adult and is actually quite old, the novel, BoomFuzzy, is a flashback, that takes place when Quaraun was a child. 

As a young boy, about 9 years old, Quaraun finds an injured pony, badly abused, shackled in chains, and locked in a cage. Not realizing the little innocent looking Shetland Pony, is actually a Phooka (a type of evil Faerie Horse), he sets it free. Phookas a viscous black unicorns, fire breathing monsters who skewer people on their horns, and take delight in crushing people to death under their hooves. There is no such thing as a good Phooka, and they are killed on sight whenever they are found. That the boy let him go free, puzzled the demonic beast.

The boy went back to his life. The Phooka followed him. From that point on, Quaraun could not escape the black Unicorn that followed his every move.

When Quaraun was age of 15, the Black Unicorn took on a humanoid form, that of a candy maker named BoomFuzzy, and set up shop in Quaraun's village. Luring children to his gingerbread house, the beast set out to killing and eating every one who got near his candy shop... except for Quaraun.

Quaraun was small, sick, and liked wearing dresses, resulting in his being bullied by the other boys in the village. When one day the bullying got out of hand and Quaraun was nearly killed, the Unicorn swept in and slaughtered the bullies, saving Quaraun's life, then taking the injurged boy back to the gingerbread house.

From there the BoomFuzzy story took a darker turn, as the young boy now finds himself, both well care for by a loving protector, and sexually abused by an obsessed stalker. The duel nature of BoomFuzzy the Unicorn, both comforts and terrifies Quaraun, as he finds himself safe and protected, while simultaneously abused and kept under strict control.

The rest of the BoomFuzzy novel becomes a self battle, with Quaraun, both loving and hating the Unicorn that both protects and hurts him.

At it's core, BoomFuzzy is a novel that takes a dark look into the effects of child abuse, sex slavery, and the confusion caused by being a child who is both loved and victimized by a psychopathic adult.


Quaraun remains with BoomFuzzy for 30 years, with their relationship rocky, as Quaraun finds himself wanting freedom to choose to love someone of his own choosing, and at the same time his not wanting to hurt the beast that truly does love him, but is incapable of showing that love in none abusive ways.

After 30 years, Quaraun leaves. He finally escapes the monster that held him captive and sexually abused him for 30 years. A few weeks later Quaraun marries his first wife. And the next day, BoomFuzzy kills himself.

Quaraun finds the body of the dead Unicorn 3 days later and is devastated, realizing that had he not married, BoomFuzzy would not have commit suicide.

The theme of Stockholm Syndrome pushes front and center into the series from that point on, with Quaraun torn between the guilt of having caused BoomFuzzy's death, and the wife he can not look at because without her, BoomFuzzy would still be alive.

The wife, seeing that her husband cares more for his childhood captive than he had let on, takes to bullying Quaraun, belittling BoomFuzzy's memory at every turn. Quaraun grows to hate his wife. The more his wife, puts down BoomFuzzy's memory, the more defensive Quaraun becomes in protecting BoomFuzzy's honor and denying that BoomFuzzy had spent years sexually abusing him.

As the years go on, Quaraun starts to forget he was BoomFuzzy's victim, he forgets that BoomFuzzy was a child rapist, he forgets that he had spent those years wanting freedom from his captive. His memories become warped and he starts to think of BoomFuzzy as a past lover. On the anniversary of BoomFuzzy's death, Quaraun's wife writes a nursery-rhyme song, belittling BoomFuzzy, and teaches it too their 4 children. Unable to take the constant belittling from his wife anymore, in a fit of rage, Quaraun lashes out at her and murders both his wife and their 4 children. 

Horrified by what he's done, Quaraun flees into the mountains, not to be seen again for decades. When he does return to civilization, he's completly lost touch with reality, thus people begin to call him "Quaraun the Insane". When questioned as to why he killed his family, the only answer he gives anyone is: "I loved my children, but I loved BoomFuzzy more."

When the law tries to arrest him, he tries to escape and accidentally kills them too. Terrified, he flees again, now wanted for for multiple murders. Scared of his own temper, now afraid to be near anyone for fear he'll kill them, Quaraun becomes a wandering hermit, living on the run, never staying in any one place more then a day or two.

Several times his timing is bad and he arrives in towns, just as someone has been killed. Knowing he killed his family and the men who tried to arrest him, villagers are quick to blame him for any and every death, and soon reports calling him a serial killer are being spread across the entire country.

And that brings us to the opening scene of this book: (see the actual location the book is set in this video)



In the opening scene of Night of the Screaming Unicorn, Quaraun is wandering aimlessly through a blueberry field, nearing a forest along the coast. He's sick, he's tired, and he's wounded. He's just fled yet another village, where the villagers had attacked him, one of them running a sword through his side.

Weak from his injury, Quaraun recognizes the place were he is. He's nearly back to the location where BoomFuzzy had commit suicide many decades ago. Upon the realization where he is, Quaraun breaks down, unable to deal with life any more, simply wanting the suffering to end, he decides to kill himself like BoomFuzzy had done.

Before Quaraun can kill himself, an ancient pine forest grows up around him, and a tavern made of gingerbread and named "The Screaming Unicorn" appears out of no where. 

Unknown to Quaraun, he's never been alone. The ghost of the dead unicorn has been with him every step of the way all these years. But the Unicorn was staying out of sight, letting Quaraun live his life, not interfering, believing himself, unloved and unwanted by Quaraun. BoomFuzzy returns back into Quaraun's life again, when Quaraun tries to commit suicide, to convince Quaraun he has a reason to live. At the end of the book, BoomFuzzy leaves, and Quaraun finds himself back in the blueberry field where the story started. At that point Quaraun is uncertain if anything that occurred in "Night of the Screaming Unicorn" happened or not.

It's not until "The Journey Begins" that BoomFuzzy returns into Quaraun's life again, this time to stay, and now, resurrected with a physical body once again. Unfortunately they are reunited for less then a day before BoomFuzzy is murdered, leaving Quaraun devastated and attempting suicide again. However, the next day, BoomFuzzy is resurrected again, and seeing how much his second death has upset Quaraun, he promptly kills himself to show Quaraun that he's now a Lich and will just keep coming back to life.

From that point on, EVERY volume of the series features a scene where BoomFuzzy dies. Nearly every volume features a scene where BoomFuzzy commits suicide. Nearly every volume features at least one scene of Quaraun attempting suicide.

The series after that point, follows Quaraun's older life, and his relationship with Unicorn, who is now senile, forgetful, and can not remember much of what he did to the boy. Quaraun, now himself getting old, is faced with either holding a grudge against the rapist who abused him in childhood, or forgiving the now elderly man who can only remember that Quaraun was once someone he loved.

Quaraun lives a life, choosing to forgive the beast that sexually abused him as a child, and love the man behind the beast.

Quaraun lives torn with guilt, love, and regret. He struggles daily with suicide. He wants to be loved, and he knows Unicorn loves him, but he also knows, Unicorn's love is more about obsession then true love. Quaraun feels sad and lonely, even when Unicorn is with him, because he wonders what his life could have been, had he been given the choice to choose who he wanted to be with, instead of being forced to stay with the beast who raped him as a child. He struggles with knowing that he has learned to love his rapist, but he questions if learned love is true love and what it would have been like to fall in love naturally rather then being forced to love his rapist.

And so after all of that, we come back to the original question that started this...

"Why do you write this stuff? What's the point. It doesn't help any body. Why don't you write a book that actually helps people? Write a gardening book or something, like you used to do on Squidoo."

What's the point?

You might find the point here if you ever bothered to read it....

Autism: Why Can’t You Accept Me As Me?

The point is from the time I was 12 years old, until I was 27 years old, I was the sexual obsession of high priest, who was convinced he could only have sex with minors in order to maintain his virginity. To this day, he calls himself a virgin, in spite of the fact he paid my parents' bills to pay for their silence about his daily obsessively raping me. Between the time I was 12 to 27, he paid, more then $13,000 for my parents' silence.

He stopped raping me daily when I turned 27 years old, because he said after 30 women were old and ugly and having sex with a women in her 30s would result in his not being a virgin any more.

Yes, he is the father of all the miscarriages I've had. In every case, he claims he is not the father and that I was abducted by aliens. Yes, HE is the one who spreads the alien and ufo rumors. People fail to consider I believe in neither aliens nor ufos. They also never consider that he is lying about me to hide the fact that he's a rapist. No. He's a Mormon High priest and a cub scout leader. 

He suffers from multiple severe mental disorders.

And when people ask why I refuse to turn him over to the police... he never hurt me. And when I went to my church leaders, local town officials, and local police begging for help - they turned on me - violently. They beat me up. And in spite of what he is, he's the one who protected me from them. They people I went to for help from a rapist... they are the ones who beat me up, and it was the rapist who saved me from them.

I've spent my entire life at the mercy of a sex depraved deviant priest who walks around pretending he's a virgin, but when the chips are down, he's also the ONLY person I can rely on the be there for me.

He does in fact love me... in his own, weird, sick, twisted way. I don't fully understand it. I probably never will.

All I know, is my entire childhood, I was begging adults: my aunts, my uncles, 16 different bishops, 3 stake presidents, countless home/visiting teachers, dozens of town managers, dozens of town councilmen, dozens of police officers... my entire childhood was spent BEGGING these adults, please help me. But he was the High priest Quorum Leader and Cub Scout Leader, and a self proclaimed virgin, so no one believed the little girl, who was daily raped by that innocent monster and had first of 7 miscarriages at age 14.

  • I write what I know. And know rape well. 
  • I've struggled with suicide since I was 12 years old.

I struggle with being torn between the man who abuses me and the man who loves me, and the fact that they are both the same person. I can't trust him, because I know how little he values the sacredness of sex, how raping 12 year old girls means nothing to him... and on the other hand, at the same time, I also know, that child raping monster, is also the only person I can trust. The only person who'll ever help me.

I struggle with knowing he loves me and at the same he'll never truly love me as man should love a woman.

I struggle with knowing, that I'm just a possession to him, and that his protectiveness of me... is in fact, not love, but simply, male dominance, and he only protects me the way a male dog marks his territory.

Or as he puts it:

  • "I gotta do my good deed for the day. Each good deed I do is another gold brick in my mansion in heaven."

I struggle with the fact that because of his sexually abusive nature, I've come to love him, and, yet, I know, this is not what love should be.

"Why do you write this stuff? What's the point. It doesn't help any body. Why don't you write a book that actually helps people? Write a gardening book or something, like you used to do on Squidoo."

Why do I write this stuff?

Because I gave up looking for someone to help me get away from him. I've accepted that fact that no one will ever care about me enough to stop him. No one will ever love me enough, to save me from a child raping monster.

I stay with him now, only because the Bible says, if I don't, he'll go to hell for what he did to me and as bad as he is, I don't hate him and I don't what him to go to hell. He was a young man in his 30s when I was 12. He's an elderly man with dementia and Alzheimer's now. Old, senial, forgetful, and he no longer remembers what he did to me 40 years ago. Ironically, he remembers me as his friend, as someone he loved. He still calls himself a virgin.

"Why do you write this stuff? What's the point. It doesn't help any body. Why don't you write a book that actually helps people? Write a gardening book or something, like you used to do on Squidoo."

I live torn between love, and regret. I struggle daily with suicide. I want to be loved, and I know he does love me, but I also know, his love is more about obsession then true love. I feel sad and lonely, even when he is with me, because my wonder what my life could have been, had I been given the choice to choose who I wanted to be with, instead of being forced to stay with the beast who raped me as a child. I struggle with knowing that I have learned to love my rapist because my parents, my church, and my town did not give me another option, but I question if learned love is true love and what it would have been like to fall in love naturally rather then being forced to love my rapist.

THAT is why I write the Quaraun series.

THAT is the point.

  • It's not about sex.
  • It's not Erotica.
  • It's not gay rights.
  • It's none of those things.

I choose to write it as two men, because I felt the horror of being raped is more horrifying for the reader, if the child was a boy instead of a girl.

There is too much complacency about girls being raped. Too many readers would be too willing to say: "She was asking for it."

Readers are not so fast to say "He was asking for it" when it's a boy being raped.

I choose to write Quaraun as a male, because I felt it was easier to show his struggling with how he felt, if he was a straight man, dealing with falling in love with his male rapist. When you see a girl doing that in books, the reaction from readers is always "that's what girls do".

The books being about rape and suicide is why I'm constantly puzzled again and again by people, mostly local church goers who've never even read the books, who accuse the books of being Erotica or gay rights, when he books are not Erotica, and have nothing to do with gay rights.

Had these religion crazed idiots taken their heads our of their Bibles long enough to actually READ the books they were hate-bashing, they'd know they were about a man who's life has been destroyed by child abuse and rape, and his life long struggle with drug addiction and suicide as a result of having been raped.

Anyone who ever read the books, knows immediately Quaraun is not gay and that being with another man goes against everything he believes.

Unicorn is a bully.

Just like the high priest.

Just like the high priest, Unicorn teases Quaraun, belittle's Quaraun, constantly embarrasses him and humiliates him in public, criticizes everything Quaraun does, everything Quaraun says, everything Quaraun wears, and goes out of his way to publicly crush Quaraun's self esteem in every way possible.

Unicorn does these things to Quaraun, just like the high priest does them to me.

The book is not about romance or erotic sex or being gay... the book is about a boy who was raped and was later rescued by his rapist, and still later struggles with the horror of realizing he has fallen in love with his rapist, and the psychological turmoil he now struggles with.

  • It's not about sex.
  • It's not Erotica.
  • It's not gay rights.
  • It's about rape and suicide.

It's the psychological turmoil of a rape victim who's struggling with life after being raped, because it's the only way I can deal with the fact that the man who raped me daily throughout my childhood, is a high priest running around on a religion crazed binge, pretending to be a virgin and obsessing over doing endless good deeds to build his mansion in heaven, when the Bible says there's only one thing that's going to save his child raping ass from hell.

THAT's why I write the Quaraun series.

To the man who asked this question:

"Why do you write this stuff? What's the point. It doesn't help any body. Why don't you write a book that actually helps people? Write a gardening book or something, like you used to do on Squidoo."

The Quaraun series is about MY LIFE.

  • It's about the fact that I had 7 miscarriage and the high priest pretended none of them ever happened.
  • It's about the fact that the high priest runs around pretending to be a virgin, when he ain't even close to being virgin.
  • It's about the fact that I was 12 years old, and not one damned person cared enough about me to stop him.
  • It's about what he said April 10, 2015 and January 4, 2016. Words I'll never forget, but I still love him and I don't know why... because Bela loved him too... no one loved him more then Bela did...and no matter how much she loved him, look at what he said April 10, 2015 and January 4, 2016.

I'm torn with the fact that I both love him and now am terrified of him, because I know how much he loved Bela, and he tuned on her April 10, 2015, and then he turned on me January 4, 2016.

I'll never trust him again. Looking back I'm not sure now why I ever trusted him to begin with.

I still love him, but after what he did to Bela, I'll never turn my back on him.

That's why I write the Quaraun series... because it's the only way I can deal with the high priest's insanity and not kill myself to escape his madness.

Bela's blood screams from the grave.

the high priest did this...

Do he really think, I'm ever gonna forgive or forget what happened to Bela?

He spent an hour yelling at me today, screaming:

"Do you think Jesus will let you in Heaven for writing books like this? What are you gonna say to him when he asks why you wrote it?"

Do you think you can stand before Jesus and answer him, when he asks you:


"Do you think Jesus will let you in Heaven for raping 12 year old children? What are you gonna say to him when he asks why you did it?"


"Do you think Jesus will let you in Heaven for lying about 7 children YOU fathered? What are you gonna say to him when he asks why you lied and told people I was abducted by aliens and said YOU were a virgin?"


"Do you think Jesus will let you in Heaven after April 10, 2015? What are you gonna say to him when he asks why you did it?"


Don't lecture me, when you've got a list of sins a mile a long.

All your running around declaring yourself a saved born again Christian... isn't gonna save you from Hell, because...

once upon a time, there was a 12 year old girl, and you raped her every day, and she had 7 miscarriages, and you wouldn't let her go to a doctor because you didn't want them to know what you had done, and so she had cats to replace the children you took away, and you took them too.

Do you really think a monster like you, is going to heaven?

Bela's blood screams from the grave.

That's why I write the Quaraun series...

  • because you are insane, and I'm struggling to deal with the madness you force on my life....
  • and I'm trying very hard to stay alive, which is very difficult right now, with you lashing out your demon crazed obsessions at Etiole and newsflash...
  • spending 2 damned hours bitching at me, telling me I'm corrupt, twisted, evil, and ugly...
  • is yet another form of abuse from you that I'm getting sick and tired of.

And when I asked you to stop... after 2 hours of your bitching at me today, I said:

"Please stop belittling me."

You had the odasity to say:

  • "You make it so easy, you give me so much fodder like this." 
  • While waving my book in the air.

Look in the damned mirror you child raping bastard... that damned is about YOU and what YOU did to me when I was 12 years old.

THAT's why I wrote it!

 You have no idea how hard it is for me to get to the end of a day without wanting to kill myself, because I'm tired of being abused by you. You are a child rapist and a bully, don't pretend you're anything else.

It's not about sex.

It's not Erotica.

It's not gay rights.

It's about rape and suicide.

  • It's about you raping me every damned day from the time I was 12 until I was 27, and my daily trying to find a reason to want to be alive.


  • And you of all people have the oddity to call me corrupted and twisted? Well it was you who made me that way.

And you screaming about sex scenes and saying "How did you learn this stuff?"... where do you think I learned it? I learned it from you. Every single sex scene in the Quaraun books, is something that YOU did to me. Everything I learned about sex I learned from you.

How dare you tell me I'm going to hell, because I write sex scenes in a book, when you rape children!

And then you blast out "Jesus loves you!"

Really?

I'll believe that when I see Bela alive and well again.

And not in heaven... NOW... here in THIS life.

Is your god gonna resurrect Cleo and put her head back on?





You want me to believe your God is a good God, when he lets men like YOU rape 12 year old girls and then, sends the rapist - YOU - to heaven, but the rape victim (ME) to hell? And you want me to believe in THAT God?


Why would I want anything to do with a God who rewards rapists with gold mansions in heaven while tossing their rape victims into fiery pits of hell?


YOU ARE INSANE IF YOU THINK I WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH A GOD LIKE THAT!

"Why do you write this stuff? What's the point. It doesn't help any body. Why don't you write a book that actually helps people? Write a gardening book or something, like you used to do on Squidoo."

I was willing to forgive you and love you, but you are making it damned difficult for me to still want to do that anymore, with your daily glorifying your white ass's trip to heaven and my non-white heatheness going to hell.

I write the Quaraun books to try to deal with your damned insanity. You need psychiatric help, and you have no clue how badly you need it and you are getting worse and worse every damned day.

As long as you continue prancing around calling yourself a virgin and going on those Bible crazed fits of belittling me and telling me how evil I am... I'm going to continue writing books about child rapists like you living in denial and rape victims like me struggling to not kill myself... because it's the only way I can deal with you running around pretending to be a born again saved virgin saint, when I have to live with knowing the REAL you... the child rapist the world doesn't see, behind the high priest.

I keep saying it and I'll say it again:

  • I love you... but I hate the high priest.
  • You I can forgive and love.
  • But the high priest is a pompous lying hypocrite.
  • The high priest is a mean, viscous, bullying, child raping monster and I'll never love him.

You want to preach Jesus?

Well here's one for you to consider:

  • While you're bullying me about the mote in my eye, why don't you look in the mirror at the log in your own eye.

I am EXACTLY what you made me... you don't like it, you might want to step back and look at what you did to create me and who I am today. People try to blame my parents for the way I am...but thing is, you're the one who raised me. I've been with you since I was 12 years old. And I never disobeyed you once. I did what you said, said what you told me to say, spoke when you told me I could, wore what you told me to wear, YOU wouldn't let me get a job, YOU wouldn't let me get a driver's licences... I was 37 when I got it and I had to fight you for it every step of the way...you keep blaming my mother, you keep blaming my father... but it was YOU who raised me and YOU who never let me have any friends, because YOU said YOU were the only friend I needed...

YOU... YOU did all of it... 

STOP BLAMING EVERY ONE ELSE...

YOU have disassociation identity disorder... all these people you keep saying are doing everything... they are all YOU!

You need help.

You really do.

"Why do you write this stuff? What's the point. It doesn't help any body. Why don't you write a book that actually helps people? Write a gardening book or something, like you used to do on Squidoo."

I've tried to love you and all 7 of your other selves the way you are.... but the past year, you have become so extreme, so manic, so off the wall insane... since your father died you've gone mega manic.... and that I could tolerate... until you turned on me...

please step back and listen to yourself...

every day now... constant, steady verbal attacks...

  • Every day... you tell me I am evil.
  • Every day... you tell me I am unholy.
  • Every day... you tell me I am unrighteous.
  • Every day... you tell me I am unworthy.
  • Every day... you tell me I am not deserving of love.
  • Every day... you tell me I am ugly.
  • Every day... you tell me I am twisted.
  • Every day... you tell me I am corrupted.

You're crushing me. I love you, but you are so hard to live with.

"Why do you write this stuff? What's the point. It doesn't help any body. Why don't you write a book that actually helps people? Write a gardening book or something, like you used to do on Squidoo."

You're crushing me. I love you, but you are so hard to live with.

  • It hurts, you telling me I am evil.
  • It hurts, you telling me I am unholy.
  • It hurts, you telling me I am unrighteous.
  • It hurts, you telling me I am unworthy.
  • It hurts, you telling me I am not deserving of love.
  • It hurts, you telling me I am ugly.
  • It hurts, you telling me I am twisted.
  • It hurts, you telling me I am corrupted.

I love you, but you've become a nightmare to live with.

You need psychiatric help, you need it so bad, and you don't know it, and I don't know what to do. You've gone too long with out it.

You never used to hit me.

You do now.

You have no idea how terrified I have become of you.

"Why do you write this stuff? What's the point. It doesn't help any body. Why don't you write a book that actually helps people? Write a gardening book or something, like you used to do on Squidoo."

There is a penis here for no reason other then the fact that Google thinks this site's primary topic is "small penis" so now I'm adding penises to every page, just to keep Google happy.... oh, and the quote on the picture matched the topic of this page, but heck... who cares about that, let's just add a penis to every page, because you know how much men think having one gives them the right to dominate every one else... which is the topic of this page after all.

You have no idea how terrified I have become of you.

Something snapped inside of you when your father died. You did this when your mother died too. Both your sister and your father, said you did this when your brother died as well. Just before your father died, he said he was scared of how you'd react if he died. He said you never could deal with death and every death in the family triggered yet another of your wild manic spells. I've seen you do this with every miscarriage too. You really can't take death. You shut down and become a new person. Each one more wild and manic then the last.

I've learned to adjust my life to fit around your insanity, your wild ups and darkest downs, I even learned to sleep on the floor when you took an axe to the bed to keep the aliens from taking your brain, I've learned to not fall throw the holes you sawed in the floor, and pray I don't get killed by your life time supply empty orange juice cartons, to live in darkness because you boarded up all the windows...

You are a very hard person to love.

I feel like I'm living with a two year old, with you're hyper active childishness that embraces everything you do. There was a time when these things made you fun to be around, but back then you weren't daily condemning me to hell.

  • You weren't daily telling me I am evil. You are now. And it hurts. Because I love you and I don't think you are evil.
  • You weren't daily telling me I am unholy. You are now. And it hurts. Because I love you and I don't think you are unholy.
  • You weren't daily telling me I am unrighteous. You are now. And it hurts. Because I love you and I don't think you are unrighteous.
  • You weren't daily telling me I am unworthy. You are now. And it hurts. Because I love you and I don't think you are unworthy.
  • You weren't daily telling me I am not deserving of love. You are now. And it hurts. Because I love you and I don't think you are not deserving of love.
  • You weren't daily telling me I am ugly. You are now. And it hurts. Because I love you and I don't think you are ugly.
  • You weren't daily telling me I am twisted. You are now. And it hurts. Because I love you and I don't think you are twisted.
  • You weren't daily telling me I am corrupted. You are now. And it hurts. Because I love you and I don't think you are corrupted.

I think you must feel these things about yourself and that is why you are saying them to me.

I wish you could step back and look at how you are acting, these past few months, since your father died.

I wish you could stand back and see how terrifying you become when you go off into these religion crazed rants, spewing bitter hatred for me on every level you can think of.

I wish you could see, how mean your words are and how much they hurt me.

I wish you knew how much I love you and how horrifying it is, for me to watch you digress into the same Bible thumping, hate mongering, gibberish madness that my grandfather devolved into.

"Why do you write this stuff? What's the point. It doesn't help any body. Why don't you write a book that actually helps people? Write a gardening book or something, like you used to do on Squidoo."

 wish you knew, how much I enjoy spending time with you, only to have that joy shattered by your delusional raving rants of white male superiority, homophobic gay hatred, terror crazed rants of demons, fear educed paranoia of aliens, coincided with fear mongering hysterical ravings about hell, followed by hour after hour of steady, endless, none-stop telling me I'm the evilest thing on the planet.

I had to deal with endlessly daily being raped by you my whole childhood and now I have to deal with your endless condemnation of me.

I'm not evil, and if you opened your eyes and looked around, you'd know that.

"Why do you write this stuff? What's the point. It doesn't help any body. Why don't you write a book that actually helps people? Write a gardening book or something, like you used to do on Squidoo."

It is useful. If I can help just one, fellow victim of child rape, even if only to let them know, they're not alone, and to not give up. If I can help, just one child rape victim, to not commit suicide, then my books have done, what I set out to do, when I wrote them.

And that's why I write them.

The world wants to paint everything in rose colored glasses and pretend bad things don't happen. The Quaraun series takes that rose colored world and exposes it's ugly truth for the world to see.

It's the story of a deeply depressed, extremely suicidal man, struggling to forgive the now elderly man who raped him as a child.

And that's why I keep saying over and over again... these books are not Erotica,... they are far, far, far from being Erotica, because they are about child abuse and rape, and dealing with the after effects, and if any one reads the Quaraun books and finds the abuse and rape erotic... that person has problems they need to deal with, because there's nothing erotica about rape and sexual abuse. 

"Why do you write this stuff? What's the point. It doesn't help any body. Why don't you write a book that actually helps people? Write a gardening book or something, like you used to do on Squidoo."

I wouldn't expect a rapist to understand, how exposing rape helps people.

I wouldn't expect a rapist to understand, how book written from the perspective of a rape victim struggling with suicide helps people.

That's why I write the Quaraun books, and that's why they are filled with suicide, rape, and abuse.

If you'd get your perverted sex crazed, gay hating ass out of your Bible for a change, you'd stop focusing on the sex and notice that the sex scenes are NOT sex scenes but rather rape scenes and the series has far more in common with Horror then Erotica.

If you'd stop being a homophobic religion crazed lunatic, you could see past the fact that the rape victim was a male, and see the fact that he's

A RAPE VICTIM, not a gay man.














weird side note.... Google had determined that the primary topic of this page is "Alzheimer's".... uhm.... why? And how?

Oh well. Silly Google.

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UPDATE: June 5, 2017
US Department of Justice, Civil Rights Division,
Joins FBI In Investigation of
Old Orchard Beach Town Hall and Police Department 
For Hate Crimes & Discrimination Done To
140+ Gypsies, Blacks, & LGBTQA+ Residents



Have Information?
Please Call FBI Agent Andy Drewer @ (207) 774-9322  

More info on what happened can be found HERE.