EelKat Wendy C Allen - Author Interview: Spell Casting Side Effects: Magic In Quaraun's Universe | Fantasy Author Interview


SpaceDock 13 is now

EelKat Wendy Christine Allen
Author, Artist, & Art Car Designer

How to say my name?

Eel + Cat = EelKat

On Writing Yaoi: 
Crude Adult Comedy &
Why It's NOT Erotica
A Look Inside Writing The Quaraun Series

/ /

By EelKat Wendy C Allen


The Contents of This Page Are



Not Recommended For

Readers Under 18

On Writing Yaoi: 
Crude Adult Comedy &
Why It's NOT Erotica
A Look Inside Writing The Quaraun Series

We are now in April 2017 and it continues to amaze me that even after having already answered this question before, it still gets asked to me.

The Quaraun series is Dark Fantasy, with it's primary sub-genre being Yaoi, with additional sub genres of Crude Adult Comedy, Black Humor, Pink Humor, Blue Humor, Unicorn Porn, Monster Porn, Cock & Ball Torture (CBT), Seme Uke, and Barra.

You will notice that Erotica is NOT a genre or sub-genre on that list. And yet, I continue to have readers who buy the books, read the books, and then rush to my email inbox to inform me: "I thought it was Erotica?"

Dildos, But Plugs, and
Magic Wands From Amazon

Is Crude Adult Comedy Erotica?

Is Crude Adult Comedy Erotica?

Short Answer:


Long Answer:

Still No.

Next time you ask:

It'll still be No.

Yes. I know. You asked "Is the Quaraun Series Erotica?" not, "Is Crude Adult Comedy Erotica?" but I changed it to make it easier for your simple American brain to understand.

Is the Quaraun Series Erotica?

No! The Quaraun Series is Crude Adult Comedy. It makes fun of Erotica. It laughs at Erotica. The Quaraun series is Crude Adult Comedy, which is why I can switch it out, and turn the question from, "Is the Quaraun Series Erotica?" change it to, "Is Crude Adult Comedy Erotica?" and have it still come to the same meaning.

How Did The Erotica Rumor Get Started?

I suppose the place to start is at the beginning. In the early years no one called the series Erotica and no readers bought it thinking it was Erotica. In the early days readers knew it was Crude Adult Comedy.

Crude Adult Comedy was the ORIGINAL genre, and still is the genre that ranks primary in my mind. Black Humor is the listing category I personally put it in when I published it. However, Amazon has declared the books' primary genre to be Dark Fantasy and secondary genre to be Yaoi Light Novel... though I'm not sure what "light novel" means exactly. Amazon seems to be using light as another word for humorous or comedy, I think. In any case, Amazon moved it into those categories, and interestingly, it ranks as a top 10 bestseller under Amazon's "Transgender Romance" category as well.

If you go to Amazon searching for the Quaraun series, you will find it listed along side the only other series anything close to being similar: DiscWorld. 

DiscWorld is another series about a wizard, travelling the world and having misadventures. I discovered it thanks to Amazon's slapping them as "Recommended Books" for any one who reads the Quaraun series.

People who have said they read both The Quaraun Books and DiscWorld, tell me that The Quaraun Series is "DiscWorld for adults".

I've yet to read DiscWorld so I have no idea. 

I find it surprising how many people are surprised I had not only never read, but had never heard of DiscWorld before. Most of the (about 7,000) fans the Quaraun series has, seems to have had the assumption I had been inspired by DiscWorld. No. Quaraun is SpellJammer, InuYasha, and My Little Pony cross-over fanfiction.

While most people know InuYasha and My Little Pony, most people also ask: "What the Hell is SpellJammer?"

It was Gary Gygax's biggest flop. The one that cost him his business. The book series that resulted in Wizard's of the Coast swooping in and rescuing the bankrupt Dungeons and Dragon's TSR company, kicking out it's founder and writing the infamous 3.5Ed that gamers know and love.

SpellJammer is the answer to the question: What if the Star Ship Enterprise was a pirate ship, Captain Kirk, Spock, and Crew were Elves and the Elves were pirates setting off to explore where no Elf had gone before.

Known by it's critics and haters as "Elves In Spaaaaaaaace!" SpellJammer  is a pirate ship helmed by a Moon Elves and Sun Elf wizards, who are exploring distant planets of the Crystal Realm of Void Space.

It's a tabletop role playing game that was made by Dungeons and Dragons.

Here, this is SpellJammer:

If you are one of the 100 or so people on the planet who ever heard of or played the super insane bizarro sci-fi game SpellJammer, you'll recognize almost everything in the Quaraun series as coming straight out of the game.

Quaraun himself is a complete and total fanfiction rip-off of Lord Sesshomaru, from InuYasha and The Holy Pearl.

If You Didn't Know There Was a Live action InuYasha, Here It Is:

Lord Sesshomaru is the White Haired Demon Lord Seen In All of These Thumbnails:
(In the first video, skip to 7:49 to see the signature Lord Sesshomaru rescued by Rin scene that the Night Of The Screaming Unicorn was based off of)

Here Is The Cartoon TV Show That The Live Action Movie Was Based Off Of...
(Lord Sesshomaru is the Rapunzel haired, fur boa wearing transvestite Samurai Necromancer Demon Lord wearing the white wedding dress and slaughtering everyone who gets near him)
(The SessyxRin scene Screaming Unicorn was based off of can be seen again, in the 3rd video at 3:40)

And Here's the original 556 volume book series that the TV Show was based off of:
(The SessyxRin scene as it was originally written by author Rumiko Takahashi appeared in Volume 7)

I'm a huge Lord Sesshomoaru fan. Obsess very obsessively over him.

The wounded Sesshomaru rescued by Rin, is the scene that Night of the Screaming Unicorn, unashamedly, rips off/fan-fics the hell out of.

And you can watch that entire scene from the TV show here (see the very first live action video to watch the live action version of it)...

The Night of the Screaming Unicorn, fanfics and is based entirely off of THIS 4 minute scene from the InuYasha series:

Never heard of DiscWorld before. Sorry. Nope. Quaraun is me fanficing Lord Sesshomaru and tossing him on a SpellJammer spaceship.

Quaraun is Lord Sesshomaru dyed pink.

Unicorn's character is a combination of Rin, Jarken, Koga, and Ah-Un all combined into one.

If you've ever read the books, watched the tv show, or seen the live action movie, then read the Quaraun books, you can see very clearly that all 130 volumes of the Quaraun series are direct rewrites of the 130 volumes of InuYasha which featured Lord Sesshomaru.

People who read DiscWorld and then read The Quaraun Series, always say to me: "Finally! There's something else like DiscWorld out there!"

People who read Erotica and then read The Quaraun Series, always say to me: "What the hell is this?"

What is it? It's Crude Adult Comedy, that's what it is. It's a drug addled wizard and his drug dealing unicorn, bumbling their way across the planet, and making a mess of everything, every where they go.

So, how did the Erotica rumour get started? How did something that was Crude Adult Comedy, get mistaken for Erotica?

It's rather difficult to mistake Crude Adult Comedy for Erotica, considering how extremely different they are from each other, so how in the heck did any one ever get them mixed up to begin with?

It was started by a prudish American with so little knowledge of sex, that they couldn't tell the difference between crude jokes making fun of sex, and graphically detailed sex laid out on the page in full detail.

Crude Adult Comedy, pokes fun at sex. It's dick jokes and toilet humor. There's no sex in it. It's fucking goal is to make you fucking laugh your fucking head off.

Erotica, is people rolling around together naked, moaning, groaning, filling holes and squirting fluids. It's goal is to make you masturbate while you read about people fucking.

There's a hell of a big difference between crude fucking dick jokes and actual sex scenes where people are actually fucking each other.

You really gotta be pretty stupid in regards to what sex is, if you can mistake Crude Adult Humor, for Erotica.

And if you can masturbate to Crude Adult Comedy, then you got some weird fetishes going on in your head and you're probably gonna have a hard time finding someone willing to fuck you.

Who is this stupid sex deprived person with so little sex education as to not be able to tell the difference between jokes making fun of sex and sex being acted out?

The Kboards Hacker.

Eye of The Grigoi
Eye of the Watchers
Eye of God
Hand of God
Eye of Protection
Evil Eye
Gypsy Curse

Throughout 2013 to 2015, while I was paralyzed and offline, an as yet unidentified hacker, took over several of my forum and social network accounts, pretending to be me and impersonating me online.

The ISPN of the person who did the hacking/ hijacking/ impersonation is known. That ISPN is a public access computer at the McAuthor Public Library, in Biddeford, Maine - 7 minutes from my driveway.

In all likelihood it was the same person with the 4-door-white-pick-up-truck who beat me up November 14, 2013 and left me in the paralyzed state I was in. 

Among the many things the impersonator did with my accounts, they took over my long dead KBoards account, editing to re-write all of my old posts, as well as copying articles off my website here and re-writing them to post "new" forum posts which on the surface looked like they were posted by me, but, were quite "off". In many cases the posts were obviously spun with respinning software and spoke in utter gibberish.

Interestingly, there is a section on Kboards forum that I had never posted on and was NOT a member of: The Erotica forums. I had no reason to be a member of this section as I did not write Erotica.

Think about it. Why would I, and author of Crude Adult Comedy, be a member of an Erotica Forum, when I write Crude Adult Comedy and not Erotica? I'd be in a Comedy Forum not an Erotica Forum.

Here's a thought. The series is about Elves and Faeries and unicorns and dragons and wizards and liches and vampires and warrior necromancers and demons and sorcerers in the 1400s, with flying pirate ships that they use to travel between planets, and portals that they use to travel through time. Do you know what forums I hang out on? Fantasy. Science Fiction. And Medieval History.

You do realize that there are 130 volumes in the Quaraun series, each volume is 250 to 300 pages long (about 175,000 words each) and that only one in every four or five volumes contains a sex scene. Do the math.

The story is 35,000 pages long

22 MILLION words long

and has an average of ONE sex scene every 4 MILLION words

an average of ONE sex scene every 7,000 pages

Oh, yeaaaah, that reaaaaally sounds like Erotica, right?

Whoever is running around spreading the rumor the Quaraun series is Erotica, ain't got her head screwed on right.

Of course, she's the same one who tells everybody I'm a NaNoWriMo ML and I'm not that either.

She also claims that I am a time travelling vampire.

Plus she claims to be Etiole Swanzen aka The Silver Salamander aka The Amphibious Alien.

The Kboards hacker. Crazy woman, on so many levels.

However, the hacker who hijacked my account and was impersonating me, made several posts, in the Erotica section, claiming I was an Erotica author, and specifically pointed to my Yaoi Unicorn Porn/Monster Porn series Quaraun The Insane. They not only called it Erotica, but called it child pornography, and went so far as to post the cover of "Baby For A Necromancer" as "proof" it was child porn.


Interestingly, in spite of the hacker's false claims of this novel being child porn, Baby For The Necromancer is one of the many books in the series which contains no sex scenes at all. It is about the murder of Quaraun's Human wife and his attempt to get his kidnapped half-Elf baby back from the racist Human soldiers who murdered his family. Keeping in mind that the world Quaraun lives in is ruled by Humans who are eradicating the world of all non-Humans, and mass murder of Elves, half-Elves, and Elf loving Humans is the backdrop for the series. He is on the run, one of the last Elves left alive. Quaraun is fighting to survive against terrorist attacks that have wiped out his people and this entire story hones sharply in on that, when the terrorists attack close to home, killing his entire family, save one baby, that he becomes desperate to get back. There is nothing even remotely erotic or sexual about this novel at all, proving once again, that the Kboards hacker was a jackass idiot.

It was rather obvious that the Kboards hacker and the Kboards attackers, were Americans, given their Erotica-phobic, white power, gay hating verbologies they spewed all over Amazon.

People who read the Quaraun series, KNOW it's not Erotica, so why is it that people who have NOT read it are running around saying it is Erotica and going all Bible thumping, hell fire hootenannies over it? Americans with their white power, sterile sexless, prudish, gay hating existence are pretty crazy when you step back and take a look at the stuff they do. I mean, where else other then America do Christians make a hobby out of murdering black men for not being white? My poor little non-white, Scottish brain just can't wrap around the concept of the white power hate crimes that are so prevalent in the white power, gay hating country of America. It seems to me that the only reason the Americans are running around calling my books Erotica and demanding boycotts of them, is because they live sheltered sexless lives with their heads up their asses and their Bibles where their brains should be.

You got to be pretty stupid the demand the boycott of a book on grounds of it being Erotica, and then have it not being Erotica at all! Should probably read a book before you start burning it. Know what it is you are burning, eh?

The side effect of this impersonator's posts were two-fold:

1: A lot of sick-minded people rushed to Amazon to buy the Quaraun series, expecting racy Erotica, featuring sex with minors.

2: Equally sick-minded people ran to Amazon to boycott the Quaraun series, flooding it with hate-reviews written by people who never bought or read the books.

The end result was the series was suddenly bombarded with HUNDREDS of 1 star reviews - half of them by brainless idiots looking to hate something and screaming the books were child porn; the other half, raving hysterically that they'd been cheated, saying they bought the books looking for sex and there was no sex to be found.

One woman, the Kboards hacker herself, created 52 fake Amazon accounts, and lashed out in a psychotic meltdown that defied logic.

For anyone who ever wondered
how to dress like Quaraun.
He wears many layers:
harem/palazzo pants, under a
lose kaftan or abaya jilbab dress
under a tight cinched corset,
under a sari wrap,
under a kimono,
under a cloak made of silk and
covered in pink turkey feathers.
He often wears a veil and or hijab.
All in pink, sometimes with orange
usually heavily beaded and embroidered
with giant paisley, hearts, and flowers.
Sometimes he also wears silver-gray, black,
or lilac, instead of pink, but rarely.
He is a transvestite Gypsy from Persia
he is also a Twinkie Uke and
his clothen reflects this.
Men he meets in Maine where he lives,
refer to him as slutty, trashy, and
looking like a whore or prostitute,
because his wardrobe in the books is
the exact same wardrobe I own and
wear every day and those are the things men in Maine
say to me every time I go out in public.

I was in the hospital, trying to relearn to walk and was clueless as to what was going on on Kboards and Amazon.

As a result of the review war that was going on, in March 2015, Amazon pull the entire series out of publication and set it in for a manual review. Meaning, that the people who run Amazon, were forced to have to read the books and determine, was the series child pornography as the haters were saying, was it Erotica as the 52 accounts of the impersonator were saying, or was it not Erotica as the infuriated "cheated" pedophiles were saying.

Fourteen days after being unpublished, the Quaraun series was republished, with Amazon "locking" the category into Dark Fantasy (meaning the author and publisher have no access to changing category).

ALL of the reviews of ALL volumes in the series had been deleted.

Some 300 reviews, simply gone in a flash, though, 90% of them were 1 star hate reviews by people who'd never read the books at all and had only came from KBoards to spew hate, after having been stired up by the hacker.

This in turn brings us to another question:

What is Yaoi?
Is Yaoi Erotica?

What is Yaoi and is Yaoi Erotica?

Yaoi = Boy Love = 2 Male Lovers; only this and nothing more. There is no sex requirement in Yaoi like there is in Erotica. Contrary to popular urban myth, there is no age requirement for the characters either. Many people incorrectly amuse that "boy" means "child" and therefore Yaoi features children as lovers. No. 

Shota = Child Love; Shota is the genre that features children as lovers; a genre often featuring an adult male and a boy under 10 years old in a sexual relationship. It is illegal to publish in America, and unscrupulous authors often try to get it published by incorrectly listing it as "Yaoi".

Seme Uke Yaoi = A type of Yaoi featuring a Stalkholm syndrome relationship between a man and his male kidnapper, often featuring BDSM elements.

What is the Quaraun series?

Lich Art Images Provided By Amazon

Barra Yaoi.

Barra = Yaoi featuring older male lovers who are older then 40 years old. Often has one of the men being an elderly senior much older then the other.

The Quaraun series is: Seme Uke Barra Yaoi; Quaraun (the Uke) is a 450 year old Elf, the equivalent of a 45 year old man, his lover Unicorn (the seme) is a 2,000 year old Phooka (a type of evil Faerie horse aka a black unicorn) and is the equivalent of an 80 year old man. The youngest character in the series is GhoulSpawn who starts out a teenager, but is in his 30s before he is in a relationship with Quaraun.

The misconception that Yaoi = Child Porn comes from the fact that most Americans only know the genre from as very few Yaoi novels get published in America, due to the over all anti-gay sentiment of the country as a whole, which makes marketing gay literature to American readers, rather pointless. Yaoi novels are typically sold in Japan and Germany and most are written in Japanese and German, with very few English language editions made. In spite of their being tens of thousands of Yaoi novels out there, fewer then 100 of them have English translations or ever saw an American release. The Quaraun series is the FIRST Yaoi novels published in America, that started out as English and not Japanese or German.

Because so few Yaoi novels are available to American readers, lots of myths have surfaced as to what Yaoi is. Most Americans, when searching on Google to find out what Yaoi is, end up being sent to the depths of, where they find, not Yaoi, but Shota. Shota, IS in fact child pornography and is banned in the United States. It's also not allowed on However, you will find, many tens of thousands of Shota stories on "cleverly" disguised as Yaoi.

The problem with, is that while you must be 18 to create an account, the average account owner is between the ages of 10 to 14. (Yes, hoohlum children whose parents never taught them to not lie.) These sex crazed children of, many of which are little girls horny for their school teacher, write stories about the boy in class they like, and their predator teacher as their fave boy's lover. They then, incorrectly post their pedophile obsessions with their teacher to under the Yaoi tag.

This habit of under-aged girls, writing sex fantasies about the boy who sits next to them in class, having wild sex with their teacher, then falsely calling it Yaoi (which it is not) instead of calling it Shota (which it is) has resulted in the general American public not having a clue what Yaoi is and falsely ASSUMING, that these 10 year olds from fantasizing about fucking their teacher have any clue what Yaoi is either.

It is CHILDREN themselves, who are spreading the misinformation on the internet, listing Shota as Yaoi.

How many parents know what their children write and publish on and Tumblr? Two of  the biggest sites to access porn on the internet - both have children under the age of 13 as their primary membership AND their primary authors.

The REASON places like and Tumblr feature SO MUCH child porn fiction (Shota) is BECAUSE those stories are written BY children, who have no RESPONSIBLE ADULTS in their lives to keep them from posting child porn fiction on the internet.

And then parents wonder why pediphiles targeted their child? Oh, let me think... maybe it had something to do with your child writing porn and posting it on a site that is known for attracting pediphiles who look for child authors of child porn?

With cracking down on underaged sex and underaged members, most of the 10 year olds who used to wild sex fantasies of kids their age with the adults in their life, have now moved on to Tumblr. On Tumblr, as on, you find the Yaoi tag, used by horny 10 year old girls, slapping it on every rape fantasy story they write about their father, uncle, brother, teacher, preacher, etc. And thus, ill informed children, continue to spread the urban myths about Yaoi.

Children shouldn't be writing stories about adults having sex with children. Nor should those children be posting those stories online. 

There is a reason Shota is banned in America: because there are predators out their who know that most Shota stories are written by children who are the same age as the main character of the story, and it's not hard to find the ISPN of a forum poster. Once you have their ISPN, you can locate their home address. Think your children are safe posting their fiction on Tumblr? Think again. You are letting them be a target.

Thus how the Americans came to think Yaoi = child porn. Children who don't know the publishing industry are misrepresenting genres by calling Shota, Yaoi.

ACTUALLY Yaoi... Yaoi from Japan, where Yaoi is one of the top selling genres in the country, and where MOST of the sales of Yaoi novels, films, cartoons, and comics are from, is DRAMATICLY DIFFERENT then the teacher fucking student Shota crap that 10 year old American girls post on

You want to see what REAL Yaoi is? Go to Japan. Look for the "Yaoi Underground" where Yaoi is far more then just novels, but an entire lifestyle, similar to Goth or Emo.

Yaoi, REAL Japanese Yaoi, features an entire sub-culture of transvestite men, REAL transvestites, men who dress like women, look like women, but unlike their American wannabe counterparts, make no attempt at being female and continue to use male pronouns for themselves.

Yaoi also features, these transvestites in a video film style of "Yaoi Rock Opera Mini Movies" called Visual Kei.

Want to know what REAL, ACTUAL, Japanrese Yaoi is? Watch the men who live it every day and see how THEY portray themselves in the the Rock Opera Films they make about their lifestyle.

Here, THIS is Yaoi, as it is portrayed by REAL transvestites of Japan. And YES, all the "girls", "women", and "females" in these videos are all men. Every actor in these Yaoi mini films are male.

^^^^THAT^^^^^ is Yaoi, not that stupid ass student raping teacher crap American children post on Tumblr. Can you SEE the difference now, between REAL Yaoi from Japan, and that stupid stuff kids are posting on Tumblr?

Germany has it's own take on Yaoi... here's what the German version looks like...

Of course, just as we Scottish do not understand the sexless prudality of the Americans, so too do the Germans have their opinions on Americans as well...

And now you know why neither the Quaraun series nor it's genre Yaoi are child porn.

But back to the question at hand: Is the Quaraun Series Erotica? No.

Yes, there is Yaoi that is Erotica, however, it is RARE and UNUSUAL to find TRUE Yaoi, that is Erotica... keeping in mind that Yaoi is a JAPANESE genre and Japan has many taboos about the male penis, AND the government has rules about what can and can not go into a book, including to specify that the "glans head" of a penis can not be featured in novels.

It is because of these laws and taboos, that MOST men in Yaoi are NOT circumcised, and more detail goes into describing their foreskin then the penis inside it.

It is probably important to note that it is ONLY in Yaoi written by Americans that you EVER see circumcised men and erect penises exposed outside of their sheath.

MOST Yaoi is what Americans would refer to as "Sweet Romance", in other words, it contains no sex scenes.

Yaoi also tends to be on the comic side, making fun of sex. Sex is rarely portrayed in a serious light in the Yaoi genre.

An interesting feature of Yaoi is it often fetishises food as a sex object. Yaoi is filled with scenes of a character sitting on a bed eating a banana, a hotdog, a popsicle, a pickle, a pair of cherries, a pair of strawberries covered in whipped cream, or as in the case of the Quaraun series, apricots.

There are tens of thousands of Yaoi novels out there, 90% of then contain no sex scenes at all and instead have characters eating in bed, quite a lot. The "sexual nature" of food is part of the standard formula used by Yaoi authors when writing Yaoi.

Yaoi features a Twinkie Uke transvestite as a main character, has no circumcised men, no erect penis on display, has a heavy focus of food fetishes, and rarely is ever contains a sex scene. And those features are how you can tell real, ACTUAL Yaoi from the wannabe stuff put out by Americans.

American Erotica authors love to write about big muscle men not girlie little twinks. There are NO big muscle men in Yaoi.

American Erotica authors love to write about giant cocks on display. There are no giant cocks on display in Yaoi.

American Erotica authors are horrified by the existence of uncut foreskins. There are no circumcised men in Yaoi.

Now before you go, but, but, but. I read...

Yep. I'll bet you did. Let me ask you where you read it. Was it on or Tumblr? Did a teenager write it? Was it written by an American? If you can answer 'YES" to any of those questions, then what you read, most definitely was NOT Yaoi, no matter how many #Yaoi tags they slapped on it.

Dildos, But Plugs, and
Magic Wands From Amazon

Why is the Quaraun series not Erotica?

Is the Quaraun Series Erotica? No.

Because of the plethora of horny children on Tumblr and writing sex with teacher stories, and calling them Yaoi, the Americans have developed this strange ide that if it has no sex in it, it can't be Yaoi, because Yaoi MUST be Erotica... 10 year olds on Tumblr said so.

No. Yaoi is NOT Erotica. In fact, MOST ACTUAL Yaoi novels do not contain ANY mention of sex at all. The majority of Japanese Yaoi, doesn't even mention penises in it, let alone contain sex scenes, due to a cultural taboo that believes the penis is to sacred to be mentioned or shown.

The confusion about Yaoi and Erotica comes from Hentia Yaoi

Hentai = Freaky Sex Fetishes. 

Hentai Yaoi is Erotica, but not all Yaoi is Hentai, and MOST Hentai is Yuri (Lesbian) relationships, not Yaoi (gay relationships).

Back to Quaraun.

Why is the Quaraun series not Erotica?

Well, the requirement for Erotica, is sex.

It's kind of hard to be Erotica without sex. There is such a thing as "sexless Erotica" but it is a very specific art. But no, in order to be Erotica, there needs to be sex.

Let that sink in for a minute.

Did it hit you yet?

You know, the whole thing, this hysterical, raving lunatic crazy American woman running around, pretending to be me, the whole thing seems to stem from the over all Conservative Christian Americans hatred for sex. She's the same crazy women who arrives in my driveway and shoots at my while screaming "killed or be killed, remember Saco Shaws, all the transsexuals are alike!"

Americans have warped backwards mind, my poor little Scottish brain just can not fathom.

Think about it. Americans glorify guns and violence, and scream the evils of sex.

Sex creates life.

Guns take life.

Sex brings new life into the world.

Guns ushers life out of the world unnaturally early.

God created sex.

Man created guns.

God said: go forth and replenish the earth.

God also said: Thou shalt not kill.

If sex was evil, then why did God create it and command it?

If guns are good, then why did God say not to kill?

Sex creates.

Guns kill.

Americans have warped, backwards brains. They think guns are good and sex is bad.

According to the American way of thinking, my books have sex in them, and all sex = Erotica and ALL Erotica is evil and therefore I deserve to by shot with a gun, for writing a book that has sex in it.

Does that make any kind of logical sense to you? Because it certainly doesn't make sense to me. 

CBT Chastity Cages Available From Amazon

Remember all those reviews, raging in fury because they bought the Quaraun series EXPECTING Erotica? They raved and ranted because they read the whole damned book and never found a sex scene any where. Uh-huh. That would be because, it's not Erotica and there is almost no sex in the series at all. There are occasional sex scenes here and there.

I mean, I DO keep telling you it's NOT Erotica, so I don't know why you people are so insistent that you are going to find Erotica stuff in it. I am the author of the series after all. I kind of know what it is I wrote.

There is one scene in Screaming Unicorn and another in Lich Lord's Lover. 

There are 130 volumes.

Most volumes contain ZERO sex scenes.

And yet, there are also the shocked 10 year olds who bought my books because of the M18+ rating and went off glorifying the sex scenes in the book as "extreme".


What sex scenes?

Crude Adult Comedy is pretty self explanatory, don't you think?

It's crude.

It deals with adult topics.

It's comedy.

Thus: Crude Adult Comedy

The Crude Adult Comedy Genre:
Black Humor,
Blue Humor,
& Pink Humor

Like any other genre, Crude Adult Comedy has sub-genres or "types" of Crude Adult Comedy. Yes, there are types of it. There are a lot of types of Crude Adult Comedy out there. As the name implies, Crude Adult Comedy is intended to be humorous books for adults. Raunchy comedies that are simply fun books to read, with no attempt at literary prestige. Crude Adult Comedy is not trying to win a Nobel Prize or a Pulitzer, though it might win a Golden Turkey, a Rotten Tomato, or a Raspberry Award.

Yes, those are real awards, Google them. I'd actually like to see the Quaraun series win a Golden Turkey....of course, when you consider what a Golden Turkey is, that says a lot about the series right there. What is a Golden Turkey? It's an award given to the Worst of the Worst. It's reserved for stories so gutter grovelling, so bizarre, so perverse, so absurd, that they really are the worst things ever written. While hundreds of Golden Turkeys are awarded each year, rarely do the award winners show up to accept the award. Me? I actually want one. The Golden Turkey is probably the only award I'd actual get on a plane for. I have a phobia of planes.

In any case, there are dozens of sub-genres for Crude Adult Comedy, but we are going to look at the 3 types that can be found in the Quaraun series.

Black Humor.

Blue Humor.

Pink Humor.

Have you ever heard of Pink Humor? No? Well then, you're probably an American. It's not a genre that's popular in America. Tell you why in a minute.

The Quaraun series’ structure is basically made up of a lot of Crude Adult Comedy slice of life vignettes all dealing with various forms of perversity. The novels are compelled right from the beginning to shock and offend as many readers as it can. Yes, this intentional. It's Crude Adult Comedy remember?

And yes, all your shocked and horrified emails, tells me that I have quite successfully done my job... and the fact that the Quaraun series are the FIRST BOOKS IN HISTORY to be BANNED BY THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT, tells me that I've definitely succeeded in pissing off and offended the white power shit heads of Old Orchard Beach, other wise, why would they have attacked these books with such vicious ferocity?

And Crude Adult Comedy is not just about crude sex jokes. No. Far from it. It's got crude political jokes too. Crude depictions of the evils of war, violence, and bloodshed, by overflowing all of the above. Some volumes are none stop violence and blood, with lots of blood, spurting out of characters headless bodies every few pages. Animal rights activist slaughtering Humans in test labs.

The Quaraun series IS a spin off of The Twighlight Manor series after all. You remember? The Macabre Comedy Horror series that featured aliens, herding up Humans and marching them into Proctor and Gamble test labs to burn their brains out with the Draize Eye Test? Quaraun is a spin-off of THAT. What else did you expect? 

Oh look! There's a penis shaped water jug on this page. This page MUST be Erotica now.

Crude Adult Comedy: Black Humor

Black Humor: Black Comedy or Dark Comedy is a comic style that makes light of subject matter that is generally considered taboo. Also known as Gallows Humor, Off Coloured Comedy, or Rude Humour.

Black Humor is probably the sub-genre of Crude Adult Comedy which Americans are most familiar with. It deals with Off Colour subjects.

Most commonly labeled as "off-color" are acts concerned with sex, a particular ethnic group, or gender. Other off-colour topics include violence, particularly domestic abuse; excessive swearing or profanity; "toilet humor" / scatological humor; national superiority or inferiority, and any topics generally considered impolite or indecent. Generally, the point of Off-Colour Humor is to induce laughter by evoking a feeling of shock and surprise in the comedian's audience. In this way, Off-Colour humor is related to other forms of postmodern humor, such as the anti-joke.

Segments dealing with spousal abuse get rather nasty, with Unicorn being horrifically violent to his frail Elf lover. And yet they are shown in the same humorous light that the average American puts on such tings. White power men, think nothing of beating up women. They beat their wives more then they do black men or gay men, usually because their wives are easier to access. Americans find spousal abuse funny and make jokes about it on the sidewalks of Biddeford, Maine while they drink their beer and toss hate speech at gay men. I simply take what I see real men doing around the local neighbourhoods, and amplify it to comedic levels to show how absolutely unfunny, it really is.

Racial stereotypes abound here in Maine and the N-word is used liberally by white men, so too does the Quaraun series take real life actions of real life locals and fill it's pages with a very dark look at the reality of being a non-white person living in Old Orchard Beach, Maine.



Quaraun The Insane

Me, out and about in Maine, annoying the locals, I mean CosPlaying the gay elf wizard himself.

Some may consider this groundbreaking (so I've been told by some fans of the series) while others might think it was done by someone who has been sitting alone in his studio too long and needs to seek professional help.

Yes, the white power Old Orchard Beach Town Hall, run and operated by the Loyal White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan, did demand I see a psychiatrist for writing the horrific monstrosity of having gay black men fight back against the KKK.




A black man stood up for his rights! The oddacity! Call the psychiatrists! We can't have black men who don't know their place in the family friendly town of Old Orchard Beach. Family Friendly because blacks and gays are not allowed!

How horrific of me to portray a black man standing up for his rights! How shocking of me to show a gay man, not lay down and take a beaten from a klansmen. I mean there just MUST be SOMETHING WRONG with little non-white me for not recognizing their white superiority.

And, you know, when I went to that psychiatrists meeting (all 5 of them) I did it in full Quaraun CosPlay? Hey, they are pissed because I write about gay transvestites, might as well show the doctor just exactly what they are pissed about right?

Is there any topic too taboo, any topic I will not lay waste of in the Quaraun series? No.

It's certainly not for all tastes and I never said it was. The Quaraun series is Crude Adult Comedy that pushes the envelopes of every topic it touches. It's not for the politically squeemish and male readers will be running away hiding their balls.

Hey look! Penis shaped soap! Made for women, to clean inside those hard to reach places. It's just the right shape too.

It's just gotta be Erotica, I mean, it's shaped like a penis. Can't be anything BUT Erotica if it has a penis in it... I wonder if Amazon has a medical book about dissecting penises? I should look for one, Conservative Christian Shit Heads, I mean, Americans, might want to call that Erotica too, you know.


SSSHHHH! Don't tell Conservative Christian American women that their husbands have penises. Don't want to destroy their delusions that penises are all evil no matter where they show up.

Crude Adult Comedy: Blue Humor

Blue Humor is a sub-genre of Crude Adult Comedy. Blue Comedy is comedy that is off-colour, risqué, indecent or profane, and focuses largely on sex, but is not Erotica, though Erotic Comedy is a sub-genre of Blue Humor. It often contains profanity or sexual imagery that is intended to shock and offend more prudish readers.

"Working blue" refers to the act of using curse words and discussing things that people do not discuss in "polite society". Blue Humor includes dick jokes, flatulence humor, rudeness for the sake of rudeness, college humor, mental health humor, bathroom humor, toilet talk, potty mouths, and excessive overuse of the word fuck for the sake of trying to say fuck as many times as fuckingly possible to fucking do so.

A "blue comedian" or "blue comic" is a comedian who usually performs risqué routines layered with curse words, focusing on sex, dicks, pussies, and attempting to shock their audience, more then make them laugh.

Profanity is socially offensive language, which may also be called bad language, strong language, coarse language, foul language, bad words, vulgar language, lewd language, choice words or expletives. The use of such language is swearing, cursing or cussing.

In its older, more literal sense, "profanity" refers to a lack of respect for things that are held to be sacred, which implies anything inspiring deserving of reverence, as well as behaviour showing similar disrespect or causing religious offense.

The Quaraun series is set in Old Orchard Beach, Maine and the surrounding areas, where the Ku Klux Klan has a strangle hold on the citizens, the Neo-Nazis march proudly saluting Hitler, swastikas are flown prouder and higher then American flags, and sayings like "the only good black man is a dead black man" are one every tongue.

Old Orchard Beach is the white power capital of Maine, with hate crimes and terrorist attacks happening to blacks, Jews, Gypsies, Muslims, and LGBTQ locals on a daily basis.

The residents of Old Orchard Beach have no respect for blacks, Jews, Gypsies, Muslims, and LGBTQ residents and Quaraun, therefor has no respect for their holier then thou asses.

At it's core, the Quaraun series hones in on the white power sentiments of the region and very rudely shows them for the head up their ass miscreants they really are. 

Around here gay men get hung by their balls in flagpoles in school yards. That's why you see Klansmen hung by their balls in chandeliers in the Quaraun series.

Welcome to Maine. It's NOT the way life should be.

It is said by other characters in the books, that after Quaraun painted his lighthouse home bright pink, with an even darker pink roof, that it resembled a giant five storey tall dick, standing proudly erect and on display for the entire world to see.

Crude Adult Comedy: Pink Humor

Pink Humour... ah, now we are getting somewhere.

Did you ever notice the pink covers on the Quaraun books? There is a specific REASON the covers are pink. Did you know that?

If you ever go to Japan, stop into a book shop and look around for a moment. You'll see it. A section of books in a genre not found anywhere else on the planet. A genre quickly identified by it's bright pink covers art.

In the Pink Humor department of a Japanese Bookstore, you'll see an entire wall of thousands of books, by hundreds of authors, all with very distinctive bright pink covers.

It's Pink Humor.

A genre called Oiroke, which means in English "tinged with colour" and refers specifically to the fact that the male penis when aroused turns dark pink or purple.

Pink Humor, practically unknown outside of Japan, is a genre that glorifies, satirically, in dark comedic fashion, the male genitalia. It's also a genre that pushes the limits of squikness, with squishy body fluids oozing from every page. Not just cum and semen, but also blood, guts, vomit, pus, piss, and entrails. Similar to Black Comedy and Blue Comedy, Pink Comedy crosses the line of offensiveness, then runs back and forth over the line a few times for good measure, just to make sure it didn't miss offending anyone.

Pink Humor is quite possibly Crude Adult Comedy at it's crudest.

The Japanese can push the limits of sexual crudeness far beyond anything the Americans ever dreamed possible.

Pink Humor has one goal: to make fun of dicks, while glorifying the joys of bright pink fully aroused cocks, pulsating with purple veins and rosy tips oozing with cum.

It's dick jokes for women, by women. It usually features gay characters for the sole reason of: two dicks on display are better then one.

OMG! It's a pink penis! Quick! Close your eyes! It might offend you!

Do remember, my primary readership, is Japanese readers, specifically Japanese women who want to read CBT Yaoi that slogs perversely through the bloody cum soaked dredges of Pink Humor bookshelves. I mean, I do keep saying it's not Erotica for a reason. You know? It's Crude Adult Comedy. Why is that so hard to understand? 

People who read it, KNOW it's not Erotica, so why is it that people who have NOT read it are running around saying it is Erotica and going all Bible thumping, hell fire hootenannies over it? Americans with their white power, sterile sexless, prudish, gay hating existence are pretty crazy when you step back and take a look at the stuff they do. I mean, where else other then America do Christians make a hobby out of murdering black men for not being white? My poor little non-white, Scottish brain just can't wrap around the concept of the white power hate crimes that are so prevalent in the white power, gay hating country of America. It seems to me that the only reason the Americans are running around calling my books Erotica and demanding boycotts of them, is because they live sheltered sexless lives with their heads up their asses and their Bibles where their brains should be.

And remember... in Japan, Yaoi is way more then a novel genre, but a way of life in the transgender community.

Yes, a lot of Pink Humor is written, not by women, but by the transvestites themselves who make fun of their own lifestyle.

Remember how standard Yaoi had a Visual Kei movement?

Pink Humor does too, and the men who do it, dress just as pink as Quaraun does...why do you think Quaraun wears pink? He's a Yaoi Twinkie Uke.

Want to see what REAL Yaoi Twinkie Ukes look like? 

Let me introduce you to live action Pink Humor Yaoi...

Did I ever mention I love transvestites?

Yes, those "girls" you just watched in those videos were all men.

The poor deluded transphobic, gay-hating, white power residents of the family friendly town of Old Orchard Beach, better make sure they never go to Japan, gayest country on the planet, where they glorify transvestites more then any American ever glorified Johnny Depp.

Crude Adult Comedy vs Erotica
Where's The Sex?

Crude Adult Comedy is NOT another word for Erotica and, it's showing the Kboards hacker's lack of intelligence, the fact that they were a bigot with their gay-hating head stuck so far up their ass that they couldn't tell the difference between Crude Adult Comedy and Erotica!

Okay, first off, if you read a Quaraun story and found it to be Erotica, then, you've never read Erotica. Go to Amazon. Search for EROTICA and read some REAL Erotica for a bit, the come back to the Quaraun series. You'll see what I mean.

Or, here... why leave for Amazon to find out what Erotica is when I can bring Amazon's Erotica section right here to you?

Okay. Here's Erotica...

Well, that was not easy. Had a hard time finding cover art that wasn't too racy to show on my website. Those there are "tame" Erotica covers.

And now here's the Quaraun series:

Here's some more Yaoi on Amazon...

Here's some more Erotica on Amazon...

Here's some more Yaoi on Amazon...

THIS... is Yaoi:

THIS... is Erotica:



Can you see the difference yet?

I mean... really... do the people calling the Quaraun series Erotica have any clue what Erotica actually IS?!?

But what about those new 50 Shades Yaoi Knock Offs flooding the Yaoi section of Amazon?


You mean these books being written by the American adults who used to be the 10 year old girls calling everything they wrote Yaoi wither it was or not?

One look at the covers tells you those books were written by Americans who haven't got a clue what Yaoi is, never lived in the Yaoi community, know nothing about transvestites, and have not written Yaoi no matter what they want to call the books.

Fake "American Yaoi" is not Yaoi and is seen by the REAL MEN of the Yaoi community as highly offensive and a mockery to their lifestyle.

Yes. Real men. Real lifestyle.

It takes a hell of a lot more then two males in bed to make a story "Yaoi"

For one thing, one of those males has to be a transvestite.

Not one of those so called "Yaoi" books contains a transvestite.

AND, just as the Emo community has a very specific look and the Goth community has a very specific looks, so too does the Yaoi community have a very specific look.

Remember, Yaoi is a JAPANESE genre, based of a JAPANESE movement in the transgender community of Japan. They invented the genre, so there is no one better to go to to ask what it is, then the real life transgender community of Japan themselves. You start asking Japanese transvestites what they think of "American Yaoi" and they'll tell you straight to your face that, the shit American Gay Erotica authors are writing is not Yaoi ans has nothing to do with Yaoi.

Here, let me show you some more videos of real live Yaoi men, so you can see for yourself, why those books being written by Americans and marketed as "Yaoi" are not Yaoi.

Here's What Twinkie Uke Transvestites Look Like:

Those are Twinkie Ukes. A type of transvestite with specific features: one they are very short, most between 4'8" and 5'6". They are very thin, lack well-defined muscles, and go out of their way to try to look like 10 year girls. They also idolize Liberace to the point of referring to him as Saint Liberace. And thus wear the same glittering, sequined, rhinestoned, eye popping colours, fur and feathers he did. They also are noted for they very distinctive bright coloured "loli hair".

If at least one of the men in you "gay" relationship, isn't a Twinkie Uke Transvestite, than you ain't writing Yaoi, because that's what Yaoi is: it's books that fetishisz Twinkie Uke Transvestites.

I've yet to see any "American Erotica Yaoi" feature a transvestite at all, let alone a Twinkie Uke.

Sorry, but if it doesn't have a Twinkie Uke Transvestite as a primary character, then it isn't Yaoi.

Just the cover art alone should tell you that the Quaraun series is not Erotica.

Heck, the titles don't hint anything erotic either.

Ok, where's the Erotica, this Kboards hacker promised you? Where's the Erotica the Kboards attacks spewed hatred for in the reviews... reviews to a book, they did NOT BUY...

How do I know they did not buy it.... oh, let me think... it's self published and I know exactly how many copies are sold, when and where, and hey, when you write a review, there's a little thing Amazon likes to slap on to it called: "Verified Purchase"... meaning the WHOLE PLANET can tell the fake reviews who never read the book, from the real reviews. Sorry honey, but you really should take your lying, gay-hating head out of your ass for a while. You're gonna need some air sometime. It's all that lack of air that's making you act crazy, running around impersonating authors and starting crazy bat shit rumours going around.

Remember all those reviews, raging in fury because they bought the Quaraun series EXPECTING Erotica? They raved and ranted because they read the whole damned book and never found a sex scene any where. Uh-huh. That would be because, it's not Erotica and there is almost no sex in the series at all. There are occasional sex scenes here and there. There is one in Screaming Unicorn and another in Lich Lord's Lover. 

And yet, there are also the shocked 10 year olds who bought my books because of the M18+ rating and went off glorifying the sex scenes in the book as "extreme".


What sex scenes?

Okay, first off, if you read a Quaraun story and found it to be Erotica, then, you've never read Erotica. Go to Amazon. Search for EROTICA and read some REAL Erotica for a bit, the come back to the Quaraun series. You'll see what I mean.

So what are people referencing when they ACTUALLY read the Quaraun series AND call it Erotica?


King Gwallmaiic,
Elf Eater of Pepper Valley,
Leader of The Lich Lords
BoomFuzzy The Unicorn

What are people referencing when they ACTUALLY read the Quaraun series AND call it Erotica?


BoomFuzzy the Unicorn.

King of the Faeries.

Warrior Necromancer.

And acts like he just rolled out of the darkest slums of Biddeford, Maine.

Grind House Porn is what they used to call characters like Unicorn, back in the 1970s.

There is quite a big difference from Erotica and Grind House Porn. 

Unicorn talks and acts like someone out of a Grind House Porn novel.

Let's list the ways people think a non-Erotica novel classifies as Erotica:

Yah needs a pair of brass balls if you want to be a male in the Quaraun series.

#1: Unicorn Grabs Other Men By The Balls

#1: Unicorn Grabs Other Men By The Balls

While most people greet each other by shaking hands, Unicorn greet people by grabbing and yanking their balls. Readers have translated this as "Erotic".

There is nothing sexual about this at all. 

My experience with men is 9 out of every 10 I've ever met tried to rape me, but I don't lay down and take it when a man attacks me. I go straight for his balls, rip them off and shove down his women abusing throat. Why do you think I carry a machete? I grew up with child abusing, wife beating child rapists. I was 8 years old when I learned my best defense was to fight back by attacking a man's balls. Fastest way to get him off you is to pull a machete on him and straight up his groin.

Every day of my childhood was a fight to not be raped by my psychopathic, alien worshiping uncles. It's why I have agoraphobia, it's why I don't let Humans near me, it's why I carry a machete, and it's why I write novels about torturing men's balls. 

You want to call me writing violent characters tearing men's balls off Erotica? That's you that's got some seriously messed up sex fetishes, that's what that is.

I'm not writing Erotica. It borders far closer to Horror.

Men greeting one another by grabbing each other's balls is actually a custom in several cultures, such as in Mexico where close friends greet each other in this manner. It is a custom in many tribal nomadic cultures throughout Africa and Asia as well. Unicorn is an Asian Demon, from the Sepik River of Papua New Guinea, where this tradition of greeting a man by grabbing his balls is done by men of "higher rank" to men of "lower rank". In other words, a tribal chief will do it to every man he meets, fathers do it to their sons, and so on.

Here's a tip: Ask any man you know, how Erotic it feels to have an aggressive man, grab his balls and pull on them as hard as he can, in a gesture to say: "I'm dominate."

Most men are going to tell you this is not only incredibly painful, but it also puts pressure on certain nerves, resulting in their inability to fight back, forcing them immediately into a submissive state, very unwillingly.

Last I knew, most men don't like blue balls, a rather painful condition, which is caused by an aggressive attacker giving them one hell of a yank and restricting blood flow.

Men as a general rule, don't like having their balls touched. It's unusual to find a man who will let you play with his balls. And they certainly don't like having them grabbed, squeezed, or aggressive yanked on.

Why does Unicorn do this?

Unicorn is very short. He's only 5 foot 1 inch tall (154.94 cm) (he's the same height as Danny Devito in case you were wondering).

Because of his almost pygmy height, other men have a tendency to not take him seriously, rebuke him, push him aside, and just out right ignore him. Over the years this has made him more aggressive then he need be and has also resulted in him jumping into any new encounter with any male bigger then himself, by showing them right up front that he's a force to be reckoned with and is not going to tolerate being ignored.

Thus, when meeting another male, rather then shake then hand, Unicorn lashes out at the balls with a fury that sends them to the ground and enforces his show of dominance over them.

Now there's a guy a big balls.

Think about it. Do you know a man who actually LIKES having his balls grabbed and rough handled? Even in in the BDSM community finding such a man is rare.

Most men REALLY don't like their balls touched and see even a gentle grab as a thing to jump away from. Unicorn is NOT being gentle and he's often NOT trying to sexually arouse the man he's grabbing either.

And, if you read ALL of the stories, then you know there are instances when he does this to men he's angry with and literally tears their balls off, then eats them.

You do remember my motto right?

If life gives you lemons, then you grab life by the balls  and say you're taking them too. Why make lemonade when you can make testicle stew? 


You know that quote comes from The Quaraun series right? It's a common thing for Unicorn to say to men, just before ripping their balls off with his bare hands.

Unicorn is EXTREMELY aggressive towards other men.

Keep in mind too, that the series is considered CBT - Cock and Ball Torture. While not Erotica, it glorifies men with small dicks and big balls on fetish levels. Quaraun being a man with a small penis that is badly scarred, but has a pair of balls that are much larger then what is considered "normal" and once Unicorn discovers that not only does Quaraun have big balls, but he enjoys having them played with, they do become Unicorn's "favourite toy".

CBT Chastity Cages Available From Amazon

#2: Chastity Cages & Urethra Sounding 
Quaraun Is A Flirt & Unicorn Gets Jealous

Chastity cages are a thing in the Quaraun series. Unicorn frequently makes Quaraun wear one and he's not always willing to be forced into it.

Quaraun is a hermit, but not by choice. He's an Elf in a time period when Elves are nearly extinct and racism by Humans against non-Humans is high. Elves are communal creatures, living in large close knit families inside large communities. With Elves nearing extinction, Quaraun is sad and depressed by the lack of family, community, and social companionship. Yes, he has Unicorn, but it's his nature to be a social butterfly when he has the chance to do so.

Unicorn is a Phooka. A type of solitary Fae. He doesn't understand Quaraun's need for social engagement.

Elves are also polygamist and polyamory. They take a primary soul mate, but they also take others lesser mates as well. It is not unusual for a male Elf to have a dozen or more wives. A bi-sexual Elf like Quaraun will have many wives and many male lovers. Quaraun by his nature sees nothing wrong with suddenly falling into bed with any one he meets, whom he feels a connection with. He can not even begin to understand why this infuriates Unicorn.

Unicorn, throughout the series, introduces Quaraun as "my wife" and he's not joking. He does see Quaraun as his mate and he doesn't like Quaraun flirting with others.

Unicorn and Quaraun frequently stop at inns and taverns, and Quaraun frequently gets drunk. Quaraun is a social butterfly and a terrible flirt. He flirts with everyone, male and female. 

CBT Chastity Cages Available From Amazon

According to Unicorn, Quaraun has a problem with being too easily aroused. Everything, anything, and everyone makes him horny. Unicorn's solution to the problem, is to simply eliminate the problem. Unicorn came to the conclusion that if Quaraun can't have an erection without suffering painful side, he'd be less likely to flirt. And so, Unicorn often puts a chastity cage on Quaraun, one that includes urethra sounding pins, and sharp spikes inside the tip, while forcing the penis downward. An erection while wearing such a cage is incredibly painful for the man wearing it. 

Throughout the series there are scenes where their conversations are interrupted by Quaraun's sudden refusal to speak, and in some instances his passing out. this is a side effect of the pressure caused by the cage restricting blood flow and in real life is actually something a man could die from.

Chasity cages are dangerous when used improperly (or when used as Unicorn does with Quaraun).Very real side effects of using them are heart attacks, strokes, and in extreme cases castration; and there have been cases of men dying from wearing a chastity cage that was too small and too constricting.

Scenes featuring the chastity cage are not sex scenes and are nearly always violent, with Unicorn reacting out of anger and intentionally trying to hurt Quaraun. Some chastity cage scenes, like the "chandelier scene" in Summoner of Darkness, are extremely violent and have Quaraun suffering serious injury. The chastity cage scenes are highly abusive, very violent, and have more in common with psychological terror, then Erotica.

While some readers of the Cock and Ball Torture fetish will find these scenes to be highly erotic, the average reader will more likely be cringing while their toes curl up to hide.

#3: Unicorn Has a Dirty Mouth

If the page has got Unicorn on it, it also has lines like this on it:

"Ain't got a fucking dick worth using the shit head prick."

"Ya stupid git. Ain't got ya fucking dick on right? Fuck off ya jobby dogger."

"Ah! I understands ya now! Sos ya sayings ya is retarded and needs be fucked by the niggar's double dicked unicorn horn, eh? Why did ya no shows ya fucking stupidity to me afore now?"

Yes, that was the word "niggar". Unicorn uses it all the time. Yes, the book is full of white supremacists constantly harassing Quaraun (a Gypsy) and Unicorn (half black/half Asian). Yes, the series being pro-colour and anti-white power is the reason the series has a 97% return rate of American sales.

Or this scene:

Quaraun watched Unicorn as he skewered skulls onto his horn.

"What are you doing?" the Elf asked the little pony.

"I is fucking the bastards dead head with me horn."

The undead horse stared at the Necromancer waiting for a response. Quaraun was too busy trying to hide his erection, to think of an answer. 

"Dirty minded lil' Elf. Dead things fucking dead things make ya horny. Ya wants fucking by a dead Unicorn." 

As we've already learned, Quaraun has grown accustomed to being punished for having an erection, thus why he makes an effort to hide it from Unicorn when he does, as to avoid the chastity cage being put back on him.

And then there's this scene:

Unicorn, seeing that he had nothing better to do, decided to drop his pants and masturbate both his dicks.

"Quaraun!" BeaLuna yelled at the Elf. "He's doing it again."

"Unicorn stop it," Quaraun said.

"Fuck yaself."


"Fuck!" Unicorn said, louder this time.

"I said stop it." 




"Stop it."





"Fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck,..."

"Stop! Stop! Stop!"

"Fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck,..."

"You're the one who wanted to bring a Faerie with us," BeaLuna scolded.

"Fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck,..."

"You shut up too."

"Fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck,..."

"What did you expect? He's a Faerie."

"Fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck,..."

"Leave me alone, BeaLuna. I'm having enough trouble with him."

"Fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck,..."

"I told you we shouldn't bring a Faerie with us. But did you listen to me. Noooooo. Of course not. What do I know? Why would you listen to me? I'm the only sane person around here."

"Fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck,..."

"And you're a Gnome, how is that different from a Faerie?"

Seeing that Quaraun was now ignoring him, Unicorn started singing.

"Fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck, blood, guts, shit, pus, entrails, fuck, blood, fucking dead Elves in blood, fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck, blood, guts, shit, pus, entrails, fuck, blood, fucking dead Elves in pools of glorious blood..."


"You're the one who fucks him," BeaLuna continued.

"I can fuck who the hell ever I want."

"And you want to fuck something like that?"

"Fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck,..."

Quaraun kicked the Phooka.

"OoooWWwwwHhhh!" Unicorn screamed. "That hurt! Ya wearing high heels ya pink sissified freak!"


"NO! Blood, guts, shit, pus, entrails, fuck, blood, guts, shit, pus, entrails, fuck, blood, fucking dead Elves in blood, fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck, blood, guts, shit, pus, entrails, fuck, blood, fucking dead Elves in pools of glorious blood, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck, blood, guts, shit, pus, entrails, fuck, blood, fucking dead Elves in blood, fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck, blood, guts, shit, pus, entrails, fuck, blood, fucking dead Elves in pools of glorious blood, fuckity, fuck, fuck, blood, guts, shit, pus, entrails, fuck, blood, fucking dead Elves in pools of glorious blood, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck, blood, guts, shit, pus, entrails, fuck, blood, fucking dead Elves in blood, fuck... ... ... ...ohhh, BeaLuna! Help!"


"I t'inks me Elf done dids passed out on the ground. I can no hears him bitching no more."

"Now what'd you do to him?"

"Not a t'ing. I twere just talking of me favourite subjects. Fucking dead Elves in blood un guts."

"Will you go jump off a cliff?"

"'Twould if I could see one. Blind ya know. I has no died by cliff death yet."

"Let me direct you to a cliff then, I'll push you off."

"Yis just mad because the Elf fucks me instead of yis."

"No I'm not."

"Yis got a dripping pussy says otherwise."

"How dare you!"

"Pussy flowers for a pussy!" Unicorn cried out as he waved his hand.

There was a POOF followed by the ground around Quaraun suddenly sprouting up with tons of pink lady slipper orchids.

Bullgaar returned from fishing, just then.

"What's the pink pansy doing laying in the pussy posies?"

"Unicorn's annoying him again, what do you think? That and his corset's proba'ly too tight."

"Will somebody help him?" Unicorn asked. "Hims has a heart condition, ya know."

"Then why were you pissing him off?"

"It fun to annoy me Elf."

"Stop calling me a pansy," Quaraun snarled at the Dwarf.

"Yer wearing a dress," Bullgaar said.

"Ooooh, me wee lil bitch is awake. Oh goodies." Unicorn clapped his hands and started signing again. "Blood, guts, shit, pus, entrails, fuck, blood, guts, shit, pus, entrails, fuck, blood, fucking dead Elves in blood, fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck, blood, guts, shit, pus, entrails, fuck, blood, fucking dead Elves in pools of glorious blood, fuckity, fuck, fuck..."


"You are a pansy," Bullgaar stated again. "Look at you."

Unicorn stopped singing to look at Bullgaar and noticed he'd not yet put on his boots, which were still laying beside the tent where he'd left them before heading out into the river to catch fish.

"Pink as a pansy," Bullgaar said.

"Pansies are purple not pink," Quaraun said.

Purple pansies sprouted up with the pussy orchids.

"Unicorn stop it!"

"You are a pansy," Bullgaar continued to insist. 

"Ya wants I should go un vomit in hims boots for ya?" Unicorn asked Quaraun.

"Yes," Quaraun snarled, not really thinking.

"Oh! Goodie!" Unicorn clapped excitedly. "Goodie, goodie gumdrops!"

The Phooka jumped up, trotted over to Bullgaar's boots, turned himself into a cat and began hacking up hairballs in the Dwarf's boot.

There was a moment of silence from everyone as they watched Unicorn do exactly what he said he would do: Vomit in Bullgaar's boots. 

"I'm sorry," Quaraun said to Bullgaar. "I didn't think he'd really do that." 

"Faaaaerie!" BeaLiuna chidded again. "THAT is what they do."

I chose that scene in particular, because of one email in particular, which SPECIFICALLY called out that scene, stating that the book was "nasty, dirty, Erotica" because of "masturbation".

The only mention of masterbation in the book was the one line which stated:

Unicorn, seeing that he had nothing better to do, decided to drop his pants and masturbate both his dicks.

Uhm... Unicorn is an actual unicorn... you know that right? You know. A horse. With a horn on his head.

I think it takes more then one sentence saying that a horse is licking his cock and balls to make a book Erotica.

Don't you?

That particular volume in question, has no sex scenes in it, either.  

Yes... there is just soooooooooooo much Erotica going on in the Quaraun series.

Yes... there is just soooooooooooo much Erotica going on in the Quaraun series.

About 90% of the Quaraun series is made up of scenes exactly like that, with Unicorn (a trickster Faerie) pissing off Quaraun, Quaraun having a temper tantrum, and Unicorn running off to do something typical of perverse things Trickster Faeries do. There is no sex going on at all, even though there are lots of penis, dicks, cocks, balls, pussies, and fucking TALKED ABOUT in the conversations.

The Quaraun series is written in screenplay script format, it's almost entirely straight up dialogue. Each scene starts with a paragraph describing the room/ town/ place they are in, states which characters are there, then jumps into back and forth banter, most of it without tags to tell you who is talking.

The series follows the life of an Elf.

Dildos, But Plugs, and
Magic Wands From Amazon

Now here's the kicker:

Quaraun is asexual.

Let me repeat that.

Quaraun is asexual.

Should we say it again.

Quaraun is asexual.

That means he has absolutely no interest in having sex, at all, what so ever. None.

At the time Quaraun meets Unicorn, he is a 330 year old VIRGIN priest.

It is his being a VIRGIN that attracts Unicorn to him in the first place, as Unicorn explains in multiple stories: only a virgin has power over a unicorn, thus why unicorns make a habit of hunting down virgins and raping them, to make sure there are no virgins out there to imprison them.

Quaraun is not only asexual.

He is also a virgin.

There's something to think about.

Part of the reason Unicorn is so over the to crude in his talking about sex and fucking, is the fact that he knows it annoys Quaraun.

And then you could ask: But what about the sex scenes?


Quaraun suffers from a rare type of short term memory.

In other words, Unicorn spend the entire week trying to get Quaraun in bed with him, finally gets the Elf to submit to him, and the next day, Quaraun has no idea it happened and is fully convinced he is still a virgin.

At first Unicorn thought taking the Elf's virginity would solve the problem of the spell the virgin Elf has unwittingly cast on the unicorn, making Unicorn Quaraun's captive. However, because Quaraun is still convinced he's a virgin regardless of how many times they have sex, the spell remains unbroken and Unicorn remains the Pink Necromancer's prisoner.

Quaraun is what is known as demisexual.

Demisexual is a type of asexual, who, though they do not want sex, will have sex with someone they feel a strong emotional connection to, because they realize the other person wants sex.

Unicorn is the one who instigates the sex. Quaraun submits to it. 

There are scenes, later in the series, when Quaraun is much older, where he does instigate the sex, but it is more out of habit and routine and knowing that it's going to happen one way or another anyways.

Dildos, But Plugs, and
Magic Wands From Amazon

I am, by the way, demisexual myself, which is why I write stories that make fun of sex, rather then glorify sex, because, I feel that people focus too much on sex.

And I think I've made my point.

The main story of the Quaraun series, is his life, his struggle being one of the last of a dying race, and his constant fight to survive, his constantly being on the run, from The Guild (aka The Ku Klux Klan). The Guild is marching across the planet killing all non-white Humans, all non-Christian Humans, and all non-Humans. Their white power, religion crazed insanity has wiped out almost all magical races, and Quaraun is constantly on the move, never able to live any where, because hate mongers want him dead, simply because he's not Human.

He doesn't very often have time to stop running from the Guild long enough to get something to eat, let alone have sex.

Sex is almost none existat in Quaraun's life.

And yet, Quaraun's sex life is the one thing readers and critics alike have focused on. Like I said, proving my point that most people do obsess over sex way too much.

And so yes, sex scenes do occur. Once in every 4 or 5 volumes. The series is not about sex, and if readers want to make things in the story be sexual or erotic, well that's their own fetishes showing through.

Anyone can make anything be sexual. The series is full of dick jokes to make fun of the fact that people spend too much time focusing on sex. 

And yes, eventually Quaraun comes to realize and admit he's not a virgin, though he can't remember it and this does break the spell, and Unicorn does leave, but finds he's now in love with the Elf and returns.

But again, sex in a minor part of the series. Rarely in any volume. The majority of the series, being very much "slice of life literary" with the story being straight up dialogue between two characters sitting in a tavern, doing nothing but arguing, for the bulk of the series.

Yes, there is A LOT of crude talking about sex, joking about sex, and arguing about sex, with a lot of "dirty language" going on, but that doesn't make the books Erotica.

NEWSFLASH: Characters talking about sex, does not = Erotica.

Characters joking about sex, does not = Erotica.

Characters fighting about sex, does not = Erotica.

It takes a lot more then a crude, foul mouthed warrior Faerie yakking about sex stuff, to make a book Erotica.

It's called "crude adult comedy" not Erotica. There's nothing erotic about it.

I think one of the things that confuses readers the most is the fact that in order to sell the books in Japan (where 87% of my sales come from) I'm required to use the Japanese book rating system (which is no different from the American movie rating system, just it is used on books). The Quaraun series says M18+ on the cover. The rating means you must be 18 or older to buy the books in Japan, due to the adult nature of the series.

Americans seem to be the ones doing the most bitching and complaining. Complaining they thought it was Erotica and bitching because they couldn't find any sex scenes. Dozens of them have seen fit to lash ou in my email inbox and in most cases, they point out "But it said it was for adults over 18! Where's the sex?"

But it's Rated M18+!
How Can It NOT Be Erotica?

The Japanese Book Rating System:

E for Everyone

T14+ For Teens: contains swearing, drinking, and sex.

T16+ for Mature Teens: contains swearing, drinking, violence, and sex.

M18+ For Adults only: contains drugs, drug use, and suicide

M21+ For Mature Adults: contains graphic sex/is Erotica

Uhm... you do know that in the Japan book rating system, books rated as "mature" on account of sex are listed as T14 (the equivalent of PG13 in America) right?

The Quaraun series is listed as M18+ because of the DRUG USE and references to SUICIDE.

Unicorn is a drug dealer.

Quaraun is a drug addict. 

GhoulSpawn is a time traveller.

They live in the 1400s, but GhoulSpawn one day lands in the 1970s discovers the wonders of LSD and takes it back to the 1400s with him.

LSD explains why pink flying goldfish chase GhoulSpawn every where he goes.

LSD also why when one day kind heart Necromancer Quaraun tried to resurrect a flock of dead butterflies they came back as pink feathered zombie turkeys that now terrorize Quebec.

LSD is why when Quaraun tries to cast a spell, purple polka dotted pink dragons run by.

Quaraun has a SERIOUS drug problem.

Quaraun's Life Looks Kind Of Like This:

dancing bananadancing bananadancing bananadancing bananadancing bananadancing bananadancing bananadancing bananadancing bananadancing bananadancing bananadancing bananadancing bananadancing banana
dancing bananadancing bananadancing bananadancing bananadancing bananadancing bananadancing bananadancing bananadancing bananadancing bananadancing bananadancing bananadancing bananadancing banana

I grew up in the 1970s.

You can tell.

The '70s were colourful.

I miss the '70s.

However, as fun and colourful as the series makes drugs out to be... it also shows the darker side of drug use, the bad trips, the tainted stash, the horrific withdrawals, and the terrifying overdoes.

And thus you have scenes like this...

"Delicious autumn!" Quaraun cried out. "My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns." 

The high High Elf ran off into the tall grass.

"What is he doing?" ZooLock asked as he watched the Elf run in circles, his arms outstreatched.

"I t'inks him being a bird in search of autumn," Unicorn answered. "Just like him did said him were gayynna do."

Quaraun suddenly stopped running.

"Polar bears!" Quaraun yelled, then turned around and ran out of the field screaming like a terrified little girl.

"Ah, polar bears," Unicorn mused. "Ya can never see 'em through the snow. O'course, t'ere be no snow here. And no polar bears. Ya seeing t'ings again, Quaraun."

"Ah! My brain... my... gah! It hurts!" Quaraun threw himself on the ground and continued screaming. "Make it stop!"

"Ah," Unicorn said looking down at the drugged Elf. "I see ya've set aside this special time to humiliate yarself in public."

"Make it stop!" Quaraun continued to scream, now holding his fists to his temples and squeezing his eyes shut. "The eggs are burning my brain out. Make it stop!"

"Eggs?" Unicorn asked.

"Eggs?" ZooLock muttered to himself as he toddled over to look down at the screaming Elf.

"My head's full of eggs," the Elf wailed desperatly. "They're going to hatch and destroy my face."


"You're short," Quaraun said looking down at Unicorn.

"Ahya. I knows I is." 

Quaraun stared up at the sky and began humming.

"Quaraun?" Unicorn interupted Quaraun's thoughts again. "What for has happened to ya?"

"I got all these colourful sparkles mixed in with the encroaching darkness," Quaraun said.


"Colours are attacking my senses," Quaraun wailed, holding his hands over his eyes.

"Colours can'na attack ya," Unicorn answered, trying not to sound as annoyied as he was feeling just then. "Bubbidy, buddidi, boom, baboshkie."

"It is all too much."

Quaraun was crying now, though he didn't know why.

"Aye," Unicorn agreed, not sure exactly what it was he was agreeing to. "Ya supposed to let me process it before ya takes it. Ya stupid dolyt."

"I need to find a dark place to lay down." Quaraun didn't seem to be aware of the fact that he was laying down. "Very dark. Dark and quiet. Very quiet place to lie down."

"Ya knows ya is already laying down right?" Unicorn asked.

"Am I?" Quaraun opened his eyes and stared up at the sky.

"Aye, right in the middle of the road."

"Look!" Quaraun exclaimed pointing up as an even more terrifing realization hit him. "The sun's up there!"

"Oh fucking titties! Yep. There she is," Unicorn nodded. "Exactly where she supposed to be."

"How'd it get up there?" Quaraun asked. His voice trembled with fear.

"A Sun Elf flew up there and hung it on a hook in one of the clouds," Unicorn spoke in his usual, jesting way. ""He went Shabbooshkie! And stuck it to the top of a t'ee. It keeps falling off so they had to tac it up there with the clouds to keep it in place. But the Sun Elf it was just too much for him to keep doing it over and over again.  'So I got to not fucking break my god dam fucking legs!' Him did cry. That why the birds is up there singing. 'Woooo-heee, hell yeah!' Cause the more they sing, the higher the clouds fly. Eventually it'll be high enough to reach the moon, and then you Moon Elves can live on it. But the Cookie Elves they no like the sun up there because it over bakes their cookies, so Santa Claus, he came with his eight tiny fkying Rain Demons and they kicked the Sun back out of the sky. And one little Moon Elf came along and said 'Oooh, pick me! I want to stab Santa!' And that's how the sun fell out of the sky, but now the Sun Elves put it back up there, see?"


Quaraun's voices indicated that he believed every word of the lie Unicorn had just told.

"Why do you do that too him?" ZooLock asked.

"I was being sarcastic," Unicorn stated.

"I know that, but he doesn't know that. Look at his eyes! They are as big as the moon right now. What the hell did you give him?"

"I did nae gives him nothing yet."

Unicorn tried to pull Quaraun back up to his feet. That lasted a few seconds before they both fell down. Quaraun landing on top of Unicorn in a rather awkwardly sexual position.

"Ahh.. hello there...," Unicorn crooned seductivly. "Such a tender romanctic moment. I does nae t'ink I needed a prostrate exam. Ya want to suck me dick while ya down there?"

"Okay," the spaced out Elf answered.

"Eh?" Unicorn looked down at the Elf. "Well that were unexpected. Ya does no have to ya know. Though I will no stops ya iffy ya did. Heheh. Yas good at sucking me dick."

A black stillness echoed through Quaraun's mind. He felt as though he was falling endlessly deeper into a black hole.

"I should nae takes advantage of ya whiles ya not intending it, eh?" Unicorn crawled out from under Quaraun. 

Quaraun was usually drugged out of his mind just before bed time, an intentional and mutually consentual ritual the two of them had, in their nighty ritual games of rapist and victim. Quaraun liked being sexually molested by the Phooka, but he did go into it planning on losing control of his sences and being made a sex slave to the Fae King. Just now however, Quaraun was somehow drugged by unknown means and Unicorn was uncertain how willing the Elf really was for sex games in daylight with an audience.

"Ya thnk ya can stands up?" Unicorn asked the sick Elf.

"Ain't I?" Quaraun asked.


Quaraun stopped looking at the sun and turned his head to look at Unicorn. 

"You're laying down," Quaraun said to the Faerie. "I am standing up."

"Nope." Unicorn scouched down to look at Quaraun, eye to eye. "Ya not be standing."

"What am I doing?" Quaraun asked, his voice filled with confusion.

"Laying on ya back in the middle of the road."

"Why am I doing that?"

"I does not know. Ya tells me."

Unicorn waited for a responce, but didn't get one.

"Ya no clue where ya is, is ya?"


"Does ya know how ya gots down here in the dirt?"


"Ya knows ya is getting ya dress dirty, right?"

"Am I?"



Quaraun closed his eyes and started humming softly to himself.

"Oh, crapper fuck," Unicorn muttered. "Him oot enough to not be bothered by hims dress getting dirty. What the frick did he take?"

"I see rainbows!" The Elf suddenly exclaimed, pointing up to the sky, without opening his eyes.

"I'll bet ya does. We'll all be eating butterflies and pooping rainbows soon if ya keeps this up."

"We shouldn't leave him laying in the road like this," ZooLock said.

"Help me, help him up," Unicorn said to ZooLock.

"Why do you need help?"

"Oh, go eat ten dicks," Unicorn scowled at ZooLock. "I does nae want to argue withs ya, right now."

"I'm not arguing with you," the squid priest said. "I just don't see why you need help. You're stronger then an entire Human village combined."

"It nothing to do with streangth. Him needs someone tall enough to steady him, sos him can walk. If ya had no noticed, as short as he is, I a whole foot shorter then him. I barely five feet tall!" 

The squid headed priest beast and the Phooka, got the ill Moon Elf back on his feet.

"My head is pulsating," Quaraun moaned, soon as they had him upright. "I need to lay down for a little while." 

"Aye, but not here, we need to find ya some place safe. We is out in the open here."


After about a quarter of a mile of uphill walking, they came to a leveled off area. Before them the road forked. At the center of the fork, was a small island of dune grass, at the center of which stood a tall wooden sign post, with many carved wooden signs up and down it, each pointing in different direction.

Unicorn stopped to read the signs, leaning Quaraun on the post. The Moon Elf quickly clasped his arma around the post and clung to it as if terrified he was about to fall off a cliff.

"What it says?" Unicorn asked at last.

"I thought you just read them?" ZooLock said.

"Yeah, eat dick ya tentecaled bag of fuck! I can no reads."

"You can't read?"

Unicorn shrugged his shoulders.

"You can't read?" ZooLock said again. He was stunned by this revilation. Wizarding required centuries of studying. Humans rarely knew magic arts because they lacked a long enough life span to absorb all the knowledge there was to learn. It was preposterous to think that an illiterate wizard was even a possibabilty, let alone a wizard of Unicorn's level of power. "It's not possible that you can't read."

"Nope," Unicorn stated. "Bubbidy, buddidi, boom, baddaboshkie. Can'na read a blooming t'ng. It frustrating as tits."

"Aren't you supposed to be Gwallmaiic, King of the Faeries, Elf Eater of Pepper Valley, Leader of the Lich Lords?"

"Yep. That be me. Illiterate King of the Faeries."

Quaraun was slowly sinking to the ground, while still tightly hugging the sign post as if his life depended upon it. Unicorn grabbed Quaraun and pulled him back upright.

"Stay!" Unicorn commanded, pushed Quaraun against the sign post.

"You wrote volumes on Necromancy," ZooLock continued. "And the Dark Arts and Demonology and ... no wait... you didn't write about Demons... who was that?"

"Me wrote them books when me was alive."

"And now you are an undead Lich with all of immortallity to read and learn even more magic and gain greater powers..."

"It does no work that way."

"What do you mean it doesn't work that way?"

"I mean, here I is a Lich and I can no remembers how to read or write. It just like me natural instinct was to kill ya, but I dose nae know why I needs to  be killing ya. Just like I does nae knows why me Elf be not letting me be killing ya. And just like that I can nae reads. Sorry. It way it is."

"Do you suggest all Liches are illiterate?"

"All ones I met is."

Unicorn grabbed Quaraun by the pink, rhinstone jeweled collar around his neck.

"I ought ta put a leash on ya. Wonder if I got some rope? What am I saying, ya has everything."

Unicorn leaned the tipsy Elf against the signpost again, then took Quaraun's bag of holding and began rumaging around in it looking for some rope.

ZooLock looked up at the posts and read the nurmous signs out loud.

"Duck Brook. Were you not just talking about ducks?"

"I was?"

"Yes, you said we were sitting like ducks."

"Aye." Unicorn looked around at the wide open space they were standing in, here at the crossroads. "We is more sitting duck right now too. Oot here in der open like t'is, never be good t'ng to be doing. Which way be Duck Pond?"

"Brook," ZooLock corrected. 


Unicorn wasn't paying attention. He was too busy trying to decide which of the ropes he had found would be best suited for putting Quaraun on a leash.

"It says Duck Brook."

"Pond. Brook. Whatever. Same differance. Water be water. Which way be it?"

Quaraun was slidding back down to the ground again. Unicorn again stood him back up and propped him against the sign post.

"I said STAY, now STAY!" He ordered. 

Quaraun slid back down to the ground. The Elf was almost uncounsious by this point. Unicorn stepped back and stared at the woozy Elf, then at the rope in his hand, and then stared at the sign post.

"Well, fuck, I been doing it the wrong way."

Unicorn tied Quaraun's hands to the signs on the post, and let the Elf hang their by his wrists.

"There! Now ya can'na fall over!"

"You're gonna hurt him," ZooLock said.

"Nah. Him used to it. I ties him up in trees all de time. Him love getting him arse poked while him hanging in trees. It him favourite t'ing. Him like being fucked whilst him be restrained?"

"Black Bear Brook, seems to be that way..." ZooLock pointed a slimy pink tentecal down one of the dirt roads, ignoring what Unicorn had said.

"Black Bear?" Unicorn was puzzled. "Did ya not just say Duck a minute ago?"

"Yes, one says Duck Brook and the other says Black Bear Brook."

"Which brook do we want?"

"There is no Witch Brook. But Witch Pond is that way."

"I did nae say Witch Brook, I asked which brook for we is to go to!"

"Well there is no Witch Brook and Witch Pond is that way."

"Does we want to go to a place named after witches?"

"Do you have something against witches?"

"I were murdered by a witch."

"I thought you commit suicide?"

"That was the first time I died. When Quaraun resurected me as a Lich. Second time I died I was killed by a Lich Hunter Witch who knew how to make Liches stay dead. Cut me clean in two. Ran off with me entrails, tossed 'em all over shit. That when Quaraun bring me back as a Vampire. Now I is VampiLich."

The rope on Quaraun's wrists came lose and the Elf suddenly fell down to the ground again.

"Well, shit balls, I did nothing correctly," Unicorn scolded himself as he dragged Quaraun back to his feet again.

"Why don't you just let him lay on the ground, while we figure out where we are going?"

"Eh?" Unicorn dropped Quaraun on the ground and walked over him. "Okay. Where is we going?"

Quaraun tried to stand up on his own this time and quickly grabbed hold of the sign post.

"The ground is moving," the sick Elf moaned.

"Green Mountain is over there," ZooLock said.

Unicorn stared up at the mountain behind them. They were only at the foot of it. Unicorn looked back over at Quaraun. He was still holding on to the sign post but was now vomiting uncontrolably.

"I does no be t'inging Quaraun in any condition to be climbing the mountain just now. Him vomiting him guts out. Him need a place where him can lays down and sleep off whatever bad trip him having."

"There's one here called Great Meadow," ZooLock suggested. "Perhaps he could lay down in the nice cool grass. Ease his stomach. If it were tall enough we could all hide in it and not be as you say sitting duck. Great Meadow is that way. I think. Looks to be same road as Witch Pond."

"Ya t'ink some'ne that pink can hides?"


"Does they say anyt'ng of how far away they be?" 

Unicorn tossed a worried glance at Quaraun. The Elf shivered with chill and fatigue, he appeared tired and haggard, his face pale and looking dreadfully ill.  

"I t'nks Quaraun at end of him ability to walk much farther. And now him be vomiting his guts out...again."

"There's Beaver Dam Pond down that way. Same road as Witch Pond." ZooLock continued reading the signs. "And Sand Beach is that way, about a mile back, acording to this sign."

"Ya big dick! Quaraun can'na walk a mile like this. Him can no even stand up. What is closet?"



"Otter Cliff, Otter Point, and Otter Cove," ZooLock went on. "There must be an over abundance of otter around here. The Thunder Hole? I wonder what that coulde be? Hunter's Beach seems to be the same road as the Otter and the Thunder Hole."

"If it somet'ng to do with thunder, it probably too loud for Quaraun right now. Him sences on overload. And we probably want to avoid, Hunter's Beach. Quaraun is too ill as it is. Don't want to risk him getting killed by hunters."

"Bubble Pond. That sound nice. Bubble Pond," ZooLock said letting the words roll off his tounge. "Bubble Rock Trail, doesn't sound quiet so pleasent as Bubble Pond does, though. And another brook. Deer Brook. There certainly are a lot of these named after furry creatures."

"Are there many more of those things?" Unicorn asked. He hadn't expected ZooLock to take so long reading them, and was growing impaitent.

"Pretty Marsh Picnic Area. Can a marsh be pretty?"

"We Phookas t'ink they is."

"Bass Harbour Lighthouse. A lighthouse could possibly be a safe place to stay for a bit, except it says 3 miles on the sign. That's a few days walk with him like this."



"Pick some place near by."

"Little Moose Island. Are the Moose little or is the lake little but filled with Moose?"


"Yes, yes, I hear you. Pipe down. I'm still reading them. Perhaps then we should go to Eagle Lake?"

"Eagle Lake, sounds big and dangerous. Quaraun is small Elf with small dick. Him like small t'ings. And him no like the danger."

"Well that was the last sign. YOU, pick one."

"Quaraun," Unicorn pulled the Elf back to his feet. "Pick one. Where ya wants to go?"

"Witch Pond," Quaraun answered dreamily. "Shabbooshkie!"

"Witch Pond? Why Witch Pond?"

"It sounds niiice," Quaraun slid down to his knees again, then fell over face first, asleep on the dune grass, with his bum up in the air.

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Suck a dick, fuck! Now him out cold," Unicorn complaned. "Help me get him back up. We is gonna has to carry him rest of way."

"Where are we going to?"

"Witch Pond I guess."

"Are you sure you want to go to a place haunted by witches?"

"Who the fuck said anything about it were being haunted?"

"Don't witches haunt swamps?"

"You fucking penis headed cock ass!"

"What did I say?"

"Ghosts and giests haunt things, not witches."

"What if it's the ghost of a witched, murdered in these swamps long ago?"

"Quaraun says we is heading towards Witch Pond, sos we is head towards Witch Pond. We does no question our Elf any more, remember? Yar orders. Now make that ass clap and get going!"

"Is he in any condition to be telling us which way to go?"

Unicorn looked down at the Elf, still slumped face down, asleep on the ground.

"No! Fucking tits! Him not even awake just yet."

The Summoner of Darkness is hard on Quaraun... that scene is one early in the novel.

Drugs and suicide and Unicorn's mouth are what it's rated M18+ for.

Unicorn is undead. He killed himself and is cursed to roam the earth, not allowed in either Heaven or Hell, because he commit suicide, and compelled to continually attempt suicide again and again and again every day for eternity as punishment for killing himself. 

While only 1 in every 5 or 6 novels contains a sex scene, every story contains a suicide scene, some of them very graphic.

Quaraun takes opium.

And LSD.

And Morning Glory Seeds.

And a lot of other stuff.

Unicorn makes opium, among other things.

There are step by step instructions in the series on how to make opium and other drugs.

My uncles were drug dealers. They are wanted by the FBI.

I know opium well. I was on it from the time i was 8 until I was 13. Didn't know it, either. It was just something that adults in the clan, gave to all the children at night, to make sure they slept through the night. I grew up in a compound. When I was 8 years old I survived a shoot out between two rival drug dealing Gypsy clans. The kid standing beside me during the shoot out had his eye shot out of his head. That event was the FIRST time I met an FBI agent.

I grew up with drug dealers. I saw how they acted, what they did, and how they made their drugs. I can write drug dealers, chemists, and addicts with glowing accuracy, along with accurate details of how to make said drugs. 

I can also write Quaraun's highest highs and lowest lows. The bright coloured happy hallucinations and the darkest demonic nightmares dragging him under the bed and the bad trips with their flashing headaches, racing heart beats, and endless vomiting. I know what opium does to you and can write it from the perspective of the user.

The Quaraun series is thick and heavy with drug use.

While only 1 in every 5 or 6 novels contains a sex scene, every story contains MULTIPLE scenes of Unicorn making drugs, drugging Quaraun, and Quaraun getting high, some of the novels contain detailed instructions on how the drugs are made.

Quaraun has a serious drug addiction problem.

Drugs are front and center through out the series.

Drug use is going on in every volume.

Yes, the Quaraun series is rated M18+, but it's rated that for drug use and suicide references, not because of anything to do with sex.

The Quaraun series is listed as "Psychedelia" for a reason. And that reason is because Quaraun uses psychedelic drugs.

All the time.

Every day.

In every scene.

In every chapter.

In every volume.

Of every story.

For the entire series.

Yes, there is sex in the series. Yes it tends to be very graphic and "Erotica level" when it shows up. 

But sex in a novel only gets it a T14 rating. It's the drug use that gives the series it's M18+ rating.

Yes, there are people with fetishes who find the topics in the Quaraun series to be "fetish Erotica", and yes, if you are into the CBT fetish, yes, then you may very well find the Quaraun series gets you off a lot.

But for most readers, no, sorry to disappoint you, but the Quaraun series is NOT Erotica.

Interview With EelKat
On Writing The Quaraun Series

Old Orchard Beach's Nudey Shirts, Drug Dealers, Gangs, and Ivory Billed Woodpeckers -
Interview With EelKat About
The Real Life Town That Inspired
The Monster Porn Yaoi Novel "BoomFuzzy"
April 2 2016 Part 1 of 6

This novel was originally written on: 2007 & 2009 & 2012

This page last updated on: April 06, 2017

On Writing The Quaraun Series

Quaraun And The Amazon Adult Dungeon

Why Quaraun Is Not Erotica (2015 Answer)

High, High Elves: Elves on Opium | Drug Use In The Quaraun Series

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Writing Albinos With Medical Accuracy In Fiction

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Seeing How "The Too Gay For Old Orchard Beach" Court Order Requires Me To Put This Notice In The Front Of The Novels,
I Assume It Also Requires I Put It In Front of Novel Excerpts Posted Online As Well, so, Here It Is... 

Enjoy The Stupidity That Is The
Town of Old Orchard Beach, Maine,
Where I Am Deemed,
In Their Words:

"Too Gay For The Family Friendly Town of Old Orchard Beach"
Because I'm The Author of The Quaraun Series.


The Adventures of Quaraun The Insane

(Added March 29, 2016)


EelKat Wendy Christine Allen


UPDATE: The Old Orchard Beach Town Hall has handed me a court order requiring I place a warning in my books, warning you that they have their heads stuck up their asses, I mean, warning you that this book was written by a non-white transgender author and contains non-white, LGBTQ characters, which the straight, white citizens of Old Orchard Beach find offensive because they never before took their heads out of their asses long enough to notice that there exist in this world non-white people and gay transgender men. The HORROR I have forced them to discover, when they took their heads out of their asses long enough to discover a non-white, transgender author has lived in their town since 1975!

As of January 4, 2016 ALL gay, transgender, and non-white authors, living in the white power, gay-hating town of Old Orchard Beach, Maine are now required to add a warning to the front of their books, warning readers that this book is a vile, evil, perversion of their senses because it contains non-white, minority, transgender, and or gay characters who by their very existence according to the white power, gay hating residents of the 99.9% white town of Old Orchard Beach, Maine do not deserve to live and should not be included as characters in books.

Because I am a vile, evil, non-white, transgender author who lives in Old Orchard Beach, Maine, I am now required by court order to place warning in my books, to warn readers that this book was written by a vile, evil, non-white, transgender author and there for may contain references to my vile, evil, non-white, transgender lifestyle, including to, shock, and horror, ACTUALLY CONTAIN


Non-white characters

oh, my, my, my, how evil of me to consider writing a book with a person of colour in it. And even worse, is the fact that...wait for it...

I've gone so far as to allow gay transvestite characters to be in my books.

How shockingly evil of me to offend the citizens of Old Orchard Beach, by including gay and transgender characters in my book. I have forced them to have to discover the horror that there exists non-white people in our town, and worse, have made them suffer the horrors of learning that LGBTQ citizens have the right to live. How evil of me. To punish me for the publication of the book you are now reading, they filled my home with sewage 3 feet deep and cut the heads off of my cats, drove a backhoe over my house, then beat me up and left me paralyzed for 5 months, during which time they hacked my online accounts of Kboards, NaNoWriMo, Twitter and other places and impersonated me, posting lots of shitty crap to try to discredit me and destroy my reputation. If you are one of my long time readers and followers, you no dought saw what transpired on KBoards and NaNoWriMo (I did not see it and still do not know what happened, seeing how I was in the hospital dying, while the hacker was taking over my accounts online.)

18 months later I am out of the wheelchair, relearning to walk and still refusing to unpublish my evil books containing non-white gay men and so now they have gotten a court order demanding the warning you are now reading, be placed in this book, because the Old Orchard Beach Town Hall (the plaintiff named on the court order – YES – an actual United States Government Organization has issued this civil rights violating court order, in blatant disregard to federal laws) believes that non-whites and gays and transgender citizens are so evil that they QUOTE “ought to be shot in the head” UNQUOTE.

The book you are now holding contains non-white characters, of the same vile, evil non-white race as the non-white author who wrote this book and because I am not white and have chosen to include non-white characters in this book, I am now required by court order to warn my non-white readers that this book was written by evil, vile non-white me and contains evil, vile non-white characters that will offend your holier then though piece of shit white asses. There, I am now in compliance with the white power, gay hating town of Old Orchard Beach's, civil rights violating court order. White trash has now been warned that non-white trash exists in this book.

The book you are now holding contains LGBTQ characters, of the same vile, evil LGBTQ existence as the LGBTQ who wrote this book and because I am LGBTQ and have chosen to include LGBTQ characters in this book, I am now required by court order to warn my LGBTQ readers that this book was written by evil, vile LGBTQ me and contains evil, vile LGBTQ characters that will offend your holier then though piece of shit straight asses. There, I am now in compliance with the white power, gay hating town of Old Orchard Beach's, civil rights violating court order. Straight trash has now been warned that non-straight trash exists in this book.

If you have any questions regarding this court order which violates the civil rights of people of colour, minority races, and LGBTQ citizens, please head to the State of Maine, Biddeford District Court and ask for copies of

Docket #BDDC-PA-2015-00574 and CV-15-58/CV-15-59

the Alfred Superior Court Docket #CV-15-299

and the Portland Superior Law Court Docket #YOR-15-253

Additionally, you can find more information by going to the Old Orchard Beach Police Department and requesting copies of ALL police reports made in regards to 144, 146, and 146a Portland Avenue, from 2001 to 2016 (approximately 300 reports).

Note, that the court order includes 4 interesting facts:

1: It states that transgender people in Old Orchard Beach are not allowed to own cats; the Town Manager confiscated my cats on this basis (the judge granted this). 140 families in Old Orchard Beach had a grand total of more then 500 cats taken from them via this court order.  Many of those cats are being returned to their owners, one head nailed to their door at a time.

2: It states that transgender vehicles are not allowed in the town of Old Orchard Beach and specifically that The Transgender Awareness Tour Bus be removed from the "perimeters of the family friendly town of Old Orchard Beach" (the judge denied this)

3: It states that transgender authors, not be allowed to publish books featuring transgender characters, and contains a list of books, deemed "Too gay for Old Orchard Beach" that the Town Hall requested be removed from publication. The judge ordered the removal and unpublication of 27 of my books, and that the rest have this warning placed in them.

4: That LGBTQ, non-white, non-Christians, and Muslims, not be allowed to set foot in Old Orchard Beach (with one motel owner in particular claiming his right to confiscate the homes, property, and business of some 140 families in Old Orchard Beach, by right of his desire to put condominiums on each of their properties. Interestingly, this is the same man who drove a backhoe over my house in 2013.) Part of this was passed, with the judge ordering LGBTQ families not allowed to set foot in their own homes (not rentals or apartments - houses they owned outright and owed no taxes or mortgages on, with 140 families be forced out of their homes on January 4, 2016. He dropped the request to confiscate homes of LGBTQ citizens when FBI Agent Andy Drewer Arrived to investigate him and the 5 businesses he owns, for his connection to the bomb that blew up my house in 2006.) Three court houses later a different judge overruled the first judge's civil rights violating order, with LGBTQ citizens being allowed to go home October 18, 2016, after 10 months of living in their cars.

Want to know the names, phone numbers, business locations, and home addresses of all the cat murdering, transphobic, gay-hating, white powered people who are trying to ban all LGBTQ and non-white citizens from Old Orchard Beach? Then go to those 3 court houses and request to get copies of all 700 pages of The Too Gay For Old Orchard Beach Court Case of Old Orchard Beach vs Wendy Christine Allen. 

All names and contact information of all the white power, gay hating  town hall officials, police officers, public works workers, motels, businesses, motel owners, business owners, and the KKK's own lawyers, behind this introduction now required to being added to books containing gay or non-white characters can be found in those court orders and police reports, here after collectively known as “The Too Gay For Old Orchard Beach Court Case” or #TooGayForOOB for short.

In those court dockets you will find more then 700 pages of utterly fascinating civil rights violating, animal abusing, hate crime glorifying, anti-gay, white power, transphobic lunacy. I highly recommend you get copies of those court dockets and see for yourself, the REALITY of how utterly insane the gay hating, white power mentality of Old Orchard Beach, really is. 

Or if you want to meet me at Staples, and are willing to pay however much it costs to have 700 pages of copies made, you can get copies made of my copy of the court order.

Happy reading.

Welcome to Maine, where love wins, everywhere, except in the white power, gay-hating town of Old Orchard Beach. TIP: If you are looking for a great fun summer family vacation spot this summer: avoid the transphobic, animal abusing, gay hating, white power town of Old Orchard Beach. This town is only family friendly, IF your family qualifies as a “real family” which to them means: you are white, Christian, and have no connections to LGBTQ people whatsoever. Save your hard earned money and DO NOT come to Old Orchard Beach this summer. Don't bother wasting your hard earned money on the transphobic, animal abusing, gay hating, white power trash that thinks it's okay to discriminate against people based on race, gender, religion, or colour.

There. Now I am in compliance with the court order and you, my dear reader have been warned that this book was written by evil, vile, perverted non-white, non-straight little old me and contains non-white, gay, transvestite characters. Can I ask: Have you EVER seen a book ANYWHERE that the author's town required the author to place a warning in the book, for ANY reason? Can anyone say RIDICULOUS? Yes, the town of Old Orchard Beach is being utterly ridiculous. I think they forgot that Old Orchard Beach is a town in America and not it's own country.

So, if you are a transphobic, gay-hating, white power person who is offended by the existence of transvestites, gays, non-Christians, people of colour, and other things that tick off white power mentalities, then you probably want to avoid these books.

For everybody else who isn't a white power, transphobic, gay-hating jerk with their head stuck up their own white, Christian ass: I hope you enjoy reading these books as much as I have enjoyed writing them. And for those of you who don't enjoy this sort of book, well, enjoy those knee-jerks, I'm told you guys should be expecting quite a few of them.


End of introduction.

And yet...

The First Amendment to the United States Constitution prohibits the making of any law respecting an establishment of religion, impeding the free exercise of religion, abridging the freedom of speech, infringing on the freedom of the press, interfering with the right to peaceably assemble or prohibiting the petitioning for a governmental redress of grievances. It was adopted on December 15, 1791, as one of the ten amendments that constitute the Bill of Rights.

The Town of Old Orchard Beach is a United States Government organization. By banning books and forcing their unpublication, they have gone against The First Amendment to the United States Constitution. 

No law can give or take away the choice to commit suicide.

- Maggie Gallagher

The homosexual community has more acceptance in America than it ever has, and the suicide rate is as high as it's always been.

- Randall Terry

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If it ain't on this list, it's probably fake.


Throughout 2013 - 2015 a slew of FAKE "EelKat" accounts surfaced, both on social networks and on forums, most were created by a woman calling herself Kendra Silvermander, or her backhoe driving cousin who drove a backhoe over my house, the same woman and her family who cut the heads off my cats, are the same people who hacked my online accounts, created a slew of fake accounts and pretended to be me, after they beat me up on November 14, 2013, leaving me paralyzed for 5 months, relearning to walk for 18 months, and clueless to their impersonation of my online due to my life threatening crippled state that had me offline from November 2013 to March 2016.

Who they are and why they are doing this remains unknown. If you know the identity of these people, please contact the FBI in charge of the investigation into their murder attempts on my life:

Agent Andy Drewer

of the Portland FBI

@ 207-774-9322 

NOTE: I was very active on forums from 1997 to 2007 and have RARELY used a forum since then. Other then the Warriors Forum and Absolute Write I have not posted on ANY forums AT ALL since 2012.

Note: My old inactive forum accounts were hacked and "resurrected" in 2013/2014/2015 by a psychotic NaNoWriMo ML who is upset over my having won a total of 27 writing contests/challenges and published 130+ novels since 2004 and and apparently (according to her emails) she has yet to win or publish anything.

If you see "me" posting on a forum at any point after 2012, know that it is likely this mysterious, and still yet unidentified "Kendra Silvermander".

More information about Kendra Silvermander and what she did can be found here.

Let's think about something here...

I'm just a harmless old lady who likes to dress like and Elf and paint everything pink and write stories about Elves having sex with Unicorns. For THAT, the residents of Old Orchard Beach, call me crazy, build a bomb, blow up my house, stand in my drive way and shoot at me, kidnap my cats, cut my cats' heads off, nail my cats' heads to my door, beat my 28 year old Shetland pony's head in, drive a back hoe over my house 3 times, filled my motorhome with feces 3 feet deep, I was paralyzed for 5 months because they trespassed up in here and beat me up, 3 years later I finally recover and start walking again and they beat me up again this time with a shopping cart rupturing 3 discs in my spine while screaming "kill or be killed remember Saco Shaw's!" and they cut my car in half. I'm sorry, WHO exactly is the crazy person here? 

Yes, I wear pink ball gowns every day.

Yes I wear fake pointy ears and long white Rapunzel wigs.

Yes, I paint my cars, my motorhome, and my mailbox pink.

Yes, I write about Elves having sex with Unicorns.

So the fucking hell what?

I haven't set foot off my land in 40 years. The only time I have contact with people is when THEY trespass on my yard and invade my privacy. And you know what? I've always welcomed them with happy smiles and open arms, made them meals and served them tea, and spent the day happily chatting with any one and every one who wanted to visit me. I love it when you people stop by to visit me as it's the only time I have any one to talk to other then my cats... oh wait... I don't have ANYONE to talk to any more, now that sociopath freaks murdered them and nailed their heads to my door!

You call me crazy because I wear pink dresses, yet THESE THREE PEOPLE are the ones who built a bomb and blew up my house!

You call me crazy because I wear pink dresses, yet THESE THREE PEOPLE are the violent trespassers who stands in my drive way and shoot at me.

You call me crazy because I wear pink dresses, yet THESE THREE PEOPLE are the ones who kidnap my cats, cut my cats' heads off, nail my cats' heads to my door, beat my 28 year old Shetland pony's head in, drive a back hoe over my house 3 times, filled my motorhome with feces 3 feet deep, and cut my car in half.

I mean REALLY stand back and look around.

All I'm doing is wearing strange cloths. I'm not the violent animal abusing, bomb building, psychopath beating up elderly women... THEY are.

There's a hell of a big difference between a half blind elderly woman dressing up as comic book characters and not bothering one damned person, and violent psychopathic criminal creeps beating her up, bombing her house, driving a back hoe over 3 more of her houses, cutting her car in half, filling her motorhome with feces, murdering her horse, and slaughtering her cats!

Old Orchard Beach has a crazy person in it all right, but isn't me... and the residents of this town need to get off their asses and tell the FBI who this white haired man and his blond wife and red haired sister-in-law are BEFORE THEY KILL ME! The red haired woman calls herself Kendra Silvermander.

I don't know who this man and his two women are. They are strangers to me. I don't know their names. And I don't know why they are doing this. Some body in this town must know who these people are ... PLEASE... the FBI is trying to put a stop to these insane hate crimes... PLEASE if you know who these psychopathic monsters are, PLEASE tell Agent Andy Drewer before they kill me. They cut my car in half in 2010. They cut my cats in half in 2015. How long do you think it'll be before they cut ME in half too? PLEASE HELP ME!

➽ ➽ ➽ If you have any information regarding the identity of the stalker/attacker/driver of the 4-door white pick-up truck please contact Officer Tim DeLuca of the Old Orchard Beach Police Department @ 207-934-4911 and/or

Agent Andy Drewer

of the Portland FBI

@ 207-774-9322 

 ◀️ ◀️ ◀️ ☎️

Please help the police and FBI put this brutal, violent, psychotically deranged stalker family in prison.

Have Information?
Call FBI Agent Andy Drewer @ (207) 774-9322 

Need Directions?

Rather then ask the crazy gun-toting neighbours, and risk get shot by the psychotically deranged, white power gay haters that live up and down my street, patrolling obsessively by my driveway every 15 minutes in a 4 door white pick-up truck, just get directions from Google Maps. Here, you can find 146 Portland Avenue, Old Orchard Beach, ME right here:

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