If life gives you lemons, then you grab life by the balls and say you're taking them too. Why make lemonade when you can make testicle stew? I don't take shit from no one, I stand up to bullies like you.
Quaraun The Insane The Summoner of Darkness Santa's Floating Dead Body (No clue what chapter it is, it's anyone's guess)
It has been brought to my attention, by several fans, that you have read all the currently published novels and are eagerly awaiting publication of the rest of the series. However, life being what it is, the town of Old Orchard Beach being what it is, and my health being what it is... publication of the novels got put on hold with an entire 2 years passing with no new novels published.
As I have many chapters of each volume finished, and each story can be read on their own in any order, without continuing one to the next, I have come to the conclusion that the best way to sait your appetite for more Quaraun, in between the publication of the finished novels, the best thing to do therefore is to simply publish the chapters that are finished here on my site, to give you something to read while waiting for each novel to be finished.
Please note that while not "true" erotica, the Quaraun series is sold as "Adult Entertainment" and is not intended for readers under the age of 18.
The Quaraun Series Is Yaoi. While not "true Erotica" it is considered by most readers to be "Erotica" of some shape or form, due to the graphic nature of the sex content.
Most of the graphic stuff will not be found posted online, you'll have to read the novel for those scenes. While the excerpt below likely does not contain the stuff listed above, know that the novel it came from does, so do not buy the novel if any of those things bother you.
The Series Is Psychedelic Unicorn Porn & Contains Masochistic Drug Addicted Transvestite Twinkie Uke Elves Having Sex with Sadistic Drug Dealing UnDead Seme Unicorns
You must be 18 or older to buy the novels this excerpt comes from.
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The Summoner of Darkness: Santa's Floating Dead Body
"Pine cones!" Unicorn suddenly screamed.
"Look at the cute little pine cones!"
"I'm looking at them," Quaraun said. "I'm just not sure why you are."
"I love pine cones."
"Pine cones are like tree poop."
"You think of the weirdest things."
"Aye. I knows it."
Quaraun stared at the tiny green and brown cones scattered on the ground.
For anyone who ever wondered
how to dress like Quaraun.
He wears many layers:
harem/palazzo pants, under a
lose kaftan or abaya jilbab dress
under a tight cinched corset,
under a sari wrap,
under a kimono,
under a cloak made of silk and
covered in pink turkey feathers.
He often wears a veil and or hijab.
All in pink, sometimes with orange
usually heavily beaded and embroidered
with giant paisley, hearts, and flowers.
Sometimes he also wears silver-gray, black,
or lilac, instead of pink, but rarely.
He is a transvestite Gypsy from Persia
he is also a Twinkie Uke and
his clothen reflects this.
Men he meets in Maine where he lives,
refer to him as slutty, trashy, and
looking like a whore or prostitute,
because his wardrobe in the books is
the exact same wardrobe I own and wear every day
and those are the things men in Maine
say to me every time I go out in public.
"They look like miniature dead goblins," Quaraun said.
"We've lost Xanadoot," Quaraun said looking around. "ZooLock! Where's your slave gone off to?"
"I know not, my Lord."
"Will you stop calling me 'Lord'?"
"Yes, your Ladyship."
Quaraun glared at the squid beast.
"Where is Xanadoot?"
"He ran off when the highway men attacked. Your dragon brought me back, but neglected to bring back poor Xanadoot. He's probably half way back to Persia by now."
"I don't believe you."
"I speak the truth."
"Which is out of character for you, seeing how nothing you say is true."
"As you wish, my Lord."
"I told you to stop saying that."
Quaraun turned to Unicorn.
"Why didn't you tell me Xanadoot was missing?"
"I did nae notice."
"How could you not notice?"
"Ya was flying through the clouds most of da day. Me brain no can keep track of many t'ings at once. Ya was vomiting ya guts half the day. I did spend me time taking care of ya. I was no paying mind to the Thullid's goblin."
"Where we go to."
"Into the woods. Just follow this path and see where it takes us. It seems to be what I do."
The three continued on in silence for a short while, moving quickly through the dense forest to put as much distance as possible between themselves and the Human cravan they'd left back on the road.
"Why does ya walk so much?" Unicorn asked Quaraun, breaking the silence.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean ya walks all over the world and ya does no seem to have a reason for doing so."
"I like walking."
"Most Elves settle down and lives in a house. Hs a family. Never travels. Ya never settles down. Not even for a few days. Not even now when ya is hurt."
"I'm not hurt."
"Ya leg is bleeding."
Quaraun looked down at his wounded knee.
"I hadn't noticed."
"I t'inks we should find a place to settle down for a while."
"You mean stop travelling?"
"Why would I do that?"
"Why are ya travelling?"
"I'm a Lich Hunter."
"Who does nae hunt Liches."
"I found my Lich."
"Ya started travelling to look for me."
"And now ya found me. So why ya still travelling?"
"I don't know. Habit. I've done it so long. I can't seem to stop."
"Does ya want to?"
"I have to now. There's a price on my head."
"Yeah. Necromancy is outlawed. I had to become a Necromancer to resurrect you. And then I killed my family. And all the villagers. And the king."
"And the Katopas."
"And the Katopas."
"And the DiJinn," ZooLock added.
"And the DiJinn," Quaraun sighed. "I'm wanted for murder, mutiny, treason, genocide, necromancy, practicing magic without proper permits and authorizations from the Guild, and being the male sex partner of another male. I can't really stay in any one town very long before some one figures out they can gain a king's ransom for turning me over to the Guild,"
"So ya started out travelling, to looks for me dead soul," Unicorn stated. "And in doing so, raked up a criminal record, which now forces ya to continue travelling causing ya be on the run from the Guild, then, eh?"
Quaraun stopped walking. Unicorn who was walking too close behind the Elf, ran into him.
"I wish was would no stop like that," the Faerie complained. "Give me some type of warning ya gonna stop bolt short like that."
"I just thought of something," Quaraun said, not paying attention to Unicorn's complaint.
"What ya Jelly brain t'inking?"
"For the past three days we've had one thing after another chasing us off the main road."
Quaraun turned around to face the direction they had come from.
"It's like someone is tossing stuff in our path to stop us from going forward."
"Ya mean magic? Like another wizard?"
"Yeah. Either preventing us from going on that road or forcing us to go into these woods."
"Why would some one do that, eh?"
"I don't know. But first those highway men, then those hell hounds, and then that impossibly huge turtle... and those two cats and the pumpkins and that out of season field of poppies that had a really bad effect on me this morning. None of this feels right. Those highway men didn't try to rob us. In fact they didn't go after you or ZooLock at all. They just held you down while they attacked me. I thought they were going to rape me, that's what most Humans do, but they didn't do that either. They ambushed us, just to hurt me. That's all they did. It's like they knew we were coming and waited for us."
"Ya t'ink some one paid them to beat ya up?"
"Yeah. I do."
"Who would do that?"
"I don't know. But their is a price on my head and it gets higher all the time. What you said about me travelling, back there. I keep thinking about it. I would like to settle down and have a place to live and not travel any more, but I can't because there's always someone ready to hand me over to the Guild."
"Aye, but ya is very, wicked powerful wizard. People says ya is most powerful wizard in whole of world. More powerful then evil Lich King Gwallmaiic, Elf Eater of Pepper Valley, leader of Lich Lords."
"You ARE King Gwallmaiic, exiled King of the Realm of Fae."
"I knows. And that why I know rumours is true. Ya has far surpassed me in magic ability, provided ya stay off the poppies and wine long enough to keep ya head on straight."
"Those hell hounds," Quaraun went on, ignoring Unicorn's remark about his drinking and drug addiction. "They were from another dimension. They just appeared out of no where. Zapped into existence. Magic literally tossed them at my feet. And that half Elf..."
"Yeah. He just showed up out of no where, in the middle of no where and he just happened to know how to get rid of the hell hounds."
"Him were shifty character. Him with hims pockets full o sheeps."
"I think he put those hell hounds in the way to chase us off the road, but I don't think he meant to hurt us. I think he thought we'd run. He showed up just when the dogs knocked me down and bit me."
Quaraun reached down, pulling his skirts up and rubbed his wounded leg. The deep punctures from the bite were still seeping blood.
"He didn't expect me to get hurt. I don't think he would have shown up, except the dogs bit me and he was scared I'd be killed so he had to come out into the open to make the dogs go away. He used magic to poof them back to the hell dimension they popped out of, but how did he know where t send them? It would have taken even an advanced wizard weeks to figure out which hell dimension those dogs came from and then more time to find the right spell to send them back, but he knew immediately where they came from and the proper spell to send them back. He had to have been the one who sent them after us."
"But why would he do that?" ZooLock asked. "He seemed like a nice chap."
"He is," Quaraun answered. "For a half-Elf. He helped us before. A few years ago. But he was using a different name back then. He was calling himself Glinter when we first met him."
Quaraun stared up at the tall pine trees towering over head.
"Some thing's not right with GhoulSpawn. Nor any of this. Why would he be doing this?"
Quaraun had begun muttering to himself under his breath about Hell Hounds and GhoulSpawn and was no longer watching where he was going. Unicorn was nearly blind, though pretending not to be, thus he walked inches from Quaraun, keeping the Elf in sight so as not to walk into any trees.
"Why we stop?"
"There is no more path!" Quaraun pouted.
"Oh! That fixable," Unicorn said cheerfully, pulling out his machete.
"How is that fixable?"
Before Quaraun had time to ponder the possibilities any further, Unicorn ran charging forward, while screaming at the top of his lungs.
Quaraun stood motionless watching Unicorn run around like a raving lunatic, screaming and yelling and shrieking, while brandishing a machete and chopping up the over growth. Knowing the Phooka was blind and and couldn't see where he was swinging that weapon, terrified Quaraun as he watched the Faerie hack every thing in his path to nothingness. ZooLock cowered behind the Elf, knowing it was the only safe place to hide as the Phooka would never hurt Quaraun. After a few minutes, the feral Faerie had cleared a path through the brambles. Unicorn trotted back up to Quaraun.
"See? All fixed."
"What the hell is wrong with you?"
"You just massaquered those poor plants."
"They is plants Quaraun. One can no massaqure plants."
"Plants are living beings."
"I a Phooka."
"I'm an Elf."
"I'm suppose to protect plants!"
"Ah yeah. Forgot, yis a butterfly kissing, treeing hugging looney."
"Those poor plants!"
"Theys plants, Quaraun."
"Those poor babies!"
Quaraun Rushed forward to examine the slashed shrubbery, dragging ZooLock behind him as he went.
"No concern for that life, eh?" Unicorn pointed to the Thullid being dragging in chains behind the Elf.
Quaraun was suddenly on his knees hugging the chopped up bits of plants.
"They're all dead!"
"Why did you do that?"
"I is dead warrior king. It in me blood."
"Oh. Uhm. Okay."
Quaraun wasn't sure he understood what the old Faerie was implying, but he decided it best to just agree with the Phooka and hope something made sense.
ZooLock staggered to his feet, hoping Quaraun wouldn't run off without warning, knocking him off his feet and dragging him on the ground again.
"I suggest," the squid said. "We stop and eat while we are stopped already."
"I shall cook dinner, then," Unicorn stated.
"Are you sure you can handle dinner?" Quaraun asked.
"I master chef," Unicorn declared. "What for ya t'inks I can no handle dinner?"
"We have no food for you to cook."
"Ya always has food in ya bag of holding there."
"It only holds stuff infinatly, it doesn't stop it from spoiling. I can't keep more then a few days worth of food at a time in it. You know that. We are nearly out of food."
"Ah! Then it good t'ing we in swamp."
"Why is that a good thing?"
"Swamp is full of wild edibles."
"I don't eat roughage."
Hamsa Eye of The Grigoi Eye of the Watchers Eye of God Hand of God Eye of Protection Evil Eye Gypsy Curse
"Do you really expect me to eat wild plants?"
"What wrong with wild plants? Ya was just loving 'em a minute ago."
"I'm not a Wild Elf! I am civilized. I grew up in a castle. I don't eat stuff off the ground like a common Wood Elf! I do not eat wild stuff! It's savage and barbaric..."
"It been 300 years since ya last lived in a house."
"That doesn't mean I have to act uncivilized!"
"Yis more uncivilized then ya t'inks. Wild Elves act more civil then ya does these days."
"You take that back!"
"Why ya being so hysterical?"
"I'm not being hysterical."
"Yea ya is. Ya been acting like a crazy bitch in heat all week. Getting crazier by the minute."
"I think it's his leg," ZooLock said soothingly. "His ladyship is hurt."
"Stop calling me that," Quaraun snarled.
"Yes, your ladyship," ZooLock said bowing to his knees.
"Well, I is Faerie and we eats wild stuffs all the time, which by yar standards make me to be savage and barbaric."
Quaraun stopped yelling.
"I didn't mean you were savage and barbaric."
"Does ya t'inks I be uncivilized?"
"You're a Faerie."
"T'at no answer me question."
"I don't know how to answer it."
"Because ya do be t'inking I be savage and barbaric and uncivilized and ya does no be wanting to say it to me face."
"That's not... I don't..." Quaraun stammered trying to find the proper words to say. "I don't think of you that way."
"If ya saw some one else acting way I acts ya would t'inks that way of them, though, eh?"
"I... I ... I don't know."
"Yes, ya does."
"Ya would call 'em savage and barbaric and uncivilized. And that mean ya do be t'inking I be savage and barbaric and uncivilized as well."
"I like you."
"And ya does no likes dem? Is that all that make a difference?"
"I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."
"Does ya t'ink ya did?"
"I don't know. I don't want you mad at me."
"Does ya t'ink I am?"
"I don't know. You get mad so easily."
"I actually dreams of slicing bread instead of people," a metallic voice said.
"Did your machete just talk?" Quaraun asked.
Unicorn pulled out the machete again.
"Aye. It does that some times."
"I was forged in the blood of a thousand enemies," the sword said.
"No ya was nae. I knows causing I mades ya."
"The blood of 400 men would have had enough iron in it to forge a machete of about 1.2-1.6 kg. Quite a decent machete. Plus, burning the exsanguinated bodies to use the carbon for a carbon steel machete, or using less blood with better machete crafting techniques using other parts of the bodies for other bits and pieces of Unicorn's machete, quenching the blade in the blood, mixing the blood with iron..."
"Aye, all sorts of interesting things! Now shuts up."
"Why didn't I know you had a talking sword?"
"I knows nots."
ZooLock creep up close to Quaraun.
"He had an enchanted map didn't he?" The old squid headed priest asked.
"Yes. He did."
"And a cursed dagger."
"Why would it be shocking that he has a talking sword as well?"
"That's a good point."
"BLUEBERRIES!" Unicorn screamed. "Give me a cup."
Quaraun pulled a cup from his bag of holding and gave it to Unicorn.
"A cup full of glorious blueberry mashed alien brains," the Phooka said delightedly as he started picking blueberries from a nearby bush.
"You are not eating my brain," ZooLock said.
"I need it!"
"There it is again!" Quaraun said, jumping to his feet.
"That cat. That same black cat. It's following us."
Interview With EelKat On Writing The Quaraun Series
Random Thoughts On Writing Magic & Wizards In Fantasy Worlds A BookTube Reading AuthorTube Edition
The Summoner of Darkness
Back from the dead, once again with Unicorn in tow, and now with the Thullid priest ZooLock his prisoner shackled in chains, Quaraun is headed back to The Screaming Unicorn Tavern in Old Orchard Beach, but finds himself cursed with endless bad luck, as one thing after another drops out of the sky in his path.
Highwaymen, hellhounds, a turtle as big as a house, fire breathing butterflies, a train station from the 20th century, and a strange glow-in-the-dark demonic wizard with pockets full of sheep, who sits in a red armchair in poppy field in the 1400s reading 1980s spellbooks books by Gary Gaygax.
Quaraun goes head to head against The Gremlin, a time traveling wizard from the future who refuses to allow the Pink Necromancer back into Old Orchard Beach, where since his last visit, an evil Sorcerer named HellBorne has erected a giant cursed lighthouse known as The Black Tower.
ZooLock however has other plans, and while 4 rival wizards tear up the town in a wizard's duel, the Squid Headed Aliens From Neptune's Moon and their armies of JellyFish worshiping cultists arrive in town to preform a ritual that will unleash an Elder Brain Chaos Demon, known as The Sacred Pink JellyFish on the world. Too bad they didn't know she was already in town.
Bullies should never force you to suffer in silence. If someone has hurt you, let others know.
Looking For more to read? This site has 6,000+ pages, but as of March 2017 only about 800 of them are linked to the index. Clicking the links in the NavaBar below, in the side bar, or at the top of the page will get you to most of the pages that are currently accessible via the index.
Looking for the Quaraun books? The original Unicorn Porn #Yaoi short stories are no longer available, but are currently being compiled in chronological order and republished as novels. The new Kindle novel editions can be found here: http://tinyurl.com/Quaraun
Interviews about the Quaraun series:
❤️ ❣️ ☮
Hugs and kisses to my wonderful fans. Love you all! Talk to you again soon.
If it ain't on this list, it's probably fake.
Throughout 2013 - 2015 a slew of FAKE "EelKat" accounts surfaced, both on social networks and on forums, most were created by a woman calling herself Kendra Silvermander, or her backhoe driving cousin who drove a backhoe over my house, the same woman and her family who cut the heads off my cats, are the same people who hacked my online accounts, created a slew of fake accounts and pretended to be me, after they beat me up on November 14, 2013, leaving me paralyzed for 5 months, relearning to walk for 18 months, and clueless to their impersonation of my online due to my life threatening crippled state that had me offline from November 2013 to March 2016.
Who they are and why they are doing this remains unknown. If you know the identity of these people, please contact the FBI in charge of the investigation into their murder attempts on my life:
Agent Andy Drewer
of the Portland FBI
NOTE: I was very active on forums from 1997 to 2007 and have RARELY used a forum since then. Other then the Warriors Forum and Absolute Write I have not posted on ANY forums AT ALL since 2012.
Note: My old inactive forum accounts were hacked and "resurrected" in 2013/2014/2015 by a psychotic NaNoWriMo ML who is upset over my having won a total of 27 writing contests/challenges and published 130+ novels since 2004 and and apparently (according to her emails) she has yet to win or publish anything.
If you see "me" posting on a forum at any point after 2012, know that it is likely this mysterious, and still yet unidentified "Kendra Silvermander".
I'm just a harmless old lady who likes to dress like and Elf and paint everything pink and write stories about Elves having sex with Unicorns. For THAT, the residents of Old Orchard Beach, call me crazy, build a bomb, blow up my house, stand in my drive way and shoot at me, kidnap my cats, cut my cats' heads off, nail my cats' heads to my door, beat my 28 year old Shetland pony's head in, drive a back hoe over my house 3 times, filled my motorhome with feces 3 feet deep, I was paralyzed for 5 months because they trespassed up in here and beat me up, 3 years later I finally recover and start walking again and they beat me up again this time with a shopping cart rupturing 3 discs in my spine while screaming "kill or be killed remember Saco Shaw's!" and they cut my car in half. I'm sorry, WHO exactly is the crazy person here?
Yes, I wear pink ball gowns every day.
Yes I wear fake pointy ears and long white Rapunzel wigs.
Yes, I paint my cars, my motorhome, and my mailbox pink.
Yes, I write about Elves having sex with Unicorns.
So the fucking hell what?
I haven't set foot off my land in 40 years. The only time I have contact with people is when THEY trespass on my yard and invade my privacy. And you know what? I've always welcomed them with happy smiles and open arms, made them meals and served them tea, and spent the day happily chatting with any one and every one who wanted to visit me. I love it when you people stop by to visit me as it's the only time I have any one to talk to other then my cats... oh wait... I don't have ANYONE to talk to any more, now that sociopath freaks murdered them and nailed their heads to my door!
You call me crazy because I wear pink dresses, yet THESE THREE PEOPLE are the ones who built a bomb and blew up my house!
You call me crazy because I wear pink dresses, yet THESE THREE PEOPLE are the violent trespassers who stands in my drive way and shoot at me.
You call me crazy because I wear pink dresses, yet THESE THREE PEOPLE are the ones who kidnap my cats, cut my cats' heads off, nail my cats' heads to my door, beat my 28 year old Shetland pony's head in, drive a back hoe over my house 3 times, filled my motorhome with feces 3 feet deep, and cut my car in half.
I mean REALLY stand back and look around.
All I'm doing is wearing strange cloths. I'm not the violent animal abusing, bomb building, psychopath beating up elderly women... THEY are.
There's a hell of a big difference between a half blind elderly woman dressing up as comic book characters and not bothering one damned person, and violent psychopathic criminal creeps beating her up, bombing her house, driving a back hoe over 3 more of her houses, cutting her car in half, filling her motorhome with feces, murdering her horse, and slaughtering her cats!
Old Orchard Beach has a crazy person in it all right, but isn't me... and the residents of this town need to get off their asses and tell the FBI who this white haired man and his blond wife and red haired sister-in-law are BEFORE THEY KILL ME! The red haired woman calls herself Kendra Silvermander.
I don't know who this man and his two women are. They are strangers to me. I don't know their names. And I don't know why they are doing this. Some body in this town must know who these people are ... PLEASE... the FBI is trying to put a stop to these insane hate crimes... PLEASE if you know who these psychopathic monsters are, PLEASE tell Agent Andy Drewer before they kill me. They cut my car in half in 2010. They cut my cats in half in 2015. How long do you think it'll be before they cut ME in half too? PLEASE HELP ME!
➽ ➽ ➽ If you have any information regarding the identity of the stalker/attacker/driver of the 4-door white pick-up truck please contact Officer Tim DeLuca of the Old Orchard Beach Police Department @ 207-934-4911 and/or
Agent Andy Drewer
of the Portland FBI
◀️ ◀️ ◀️ ☎️
Please help the police and FBI put this brutal, violent, psychotically deranged stalker family in prison.
Have Information? Call FBI Agent Andy Drewer @ (207) 774-9322
Rather then ask the crazy gun-toting neighbours, and risk get shot by the psychotically deranged, white power gay haters that live up and down my street, patrolling obsessively by my driveway every 15 minutes in a 4 door white pick-up truck, just get directions from Google Maps. Here, you can find 146 Portland Avenue, Old Orchard Beach, ME right here:
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