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EelKat Wendy Christine Allen
Author, Artist, & Art Car Designer
 

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Lemon Water Diet

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By EelKat Wendy C Allen

Answering a somewhat unusual question today. Basically "How do writers keep healthy?" and "What are the benefits of drinking lemon water?" Here's the question:

"I have to lose 60 pounds in the next 3 weeks. How can I find an affordable wellness/weight loss program. one that works.What did you do?

Do you have a gym membership? How often do you go to the gym? Do you take supplements for before or after a workout to improve performance? I have trouble with the gym because I'm always hungry. How often have skipped the gym or cut a workout  short because you needed to eat something? Can you tell me what to do to stay motived to not leave the gym to eat? I want all natural snacks, smoothies, and small meals that are nutritionally dense but I get side tracked, and eatcookies instead, if I bring them with me should I eat them directly before or after a workout, what do you do? I want to set up a reasonable exercise plan but I don't know where to start. I neeedway to be sucessful

If you do not use a wellness/weight loss program, why not?

I was told you lost a lot of weight real fast, how, because that's what I need to do. I was thinking of using lemon water to do it, I read somewhere that you drinl lemon water every morning and was wondering if you could tell me how much weight I could lose and how fast by drinking lemon water every day. Does it work or is it like a fad thing? Does it have to be fresh lemons or can I use lemonade. I’ve never squeezed lemons how do I do that? And also what kind of exercise should I do with it to lose weight? Or I guess what kind of exerice did you do, I heard you lost 80 pounds or something like that.

I don’t get much excersie because I’m a writer and I get stuck at the computer all day so all this weight caught up on me. I know I’m getting enough water because I drink 32 ounces of water a day as recommended, so do I just add the lemon juice to the water I already drink? How does that work exactly? Like what do I do? Do I make the lemon water or do I buy lemon energy drinks? I’m not sure what exactly lemon water is.

Basicaly I want to know what you did so I can do it too cause I heard you like lost a whole bunch of weight in a short time and I need to do it right now because I only have 3 weeks to get it off. Also I need to be fairer too and I heard lemon juice can make you fair, does it?"

My first thought is why the big panic? Why the rush to lose so much weight in such a short time? It seems odd to me.

This thought was quickly followed by "Why me?" I'm not a weight loss or diet specialist or anything. Heck I know very little about diet, nutrition, weight loss, exercise or any of those other such things. It's not really my area of expertise, and it's not something I have ever even talked about before, so not too sure why you chose to direct this question at me.

This is a very interesting question. I had not thought to have a section on health, diet, and exercise as they apply to writers and authors so I actually don't know where I will put this article on my website. I'll find a place for it I suppose. Maybe I can make a section for it? Oh well, whatever. Let's see if I can answer your questions.

You are correct, I do drink lemon water, I did lose 80lbs, and I can tell you what I did so you can do it too, but I can also tell you that once you know what I do every day and what I did to lose weight fast, you seriously are not gonna like it because it ain't no, lose weight quick scheme that's for sure. And really, if you ain't trapped during a blizzard under 9' of snow, you probably are not going to be able to repeat my massive, super fast weight loss.

But, let's address your questions about lemon water first and than talk about how I lost weight afterwards, shall we?

First, you don’t have to squeeze your own lemons. As long as it is 100% pure lemon juice it doesn’t matter if it is fresh squeezed or bottled juice. I’ve used bottled lemon juice for 30+ years now. Don’t use frozen juice concentrate, lemonade, powdered lemon drink mix, or “lemon flavored vitamin water” - those won’t work.

If you are drinking 8 glasses of water a day (64oz) with at least 1 of those glasses containing 1/4cup of lemon juice, you should lose 1/2lb to 2lbs per week or any where from 13lbs up to 52lbs in 6 months (varies depending on your diet and activity level; 1/2lb per week is assuming you are low activity and unhealthy diet; 2lbs per week assumes you are very active and health nut diet), the average person can expect to lose about 3/4lb per week or a total of about 22lbs in 6 months.

Keep in mind this is WITHOUT adding any changes to your regular diet or exercise. Switching to a healthier diet and getting more exercise will increase those numbers.

As a general rule most people can assume that adding lemon water to your diet will result in 1/2lb loss per week (27lbs per year) if you are drinking 8 glasses of water a day with a 1/4cup of lemon in 1 or more of those glasses.

This is assuming that you are ALREADY drinking 8 glasses of water a day (without lemon) and ALREADY have a soda free and coffee free diet. Drinking soda, diet soda, and/or coffee neutralizes the effects of ALL weight loss “programs”. The first step to losing weight regardless of what diet you choice is to cut soda and coffee from your diet 100% - both promote water retention and bloating and soda slaps fat to your abdomen faster than any other food out there.

Until you remove soda and coffee from your diet, you will see only a few ounces of weight gone if you lose any weight at all - one ANY diet program.

Using lemon water as a coffee replacement will increase the weight lose from 1/2lb to 1lb per week (or 52lbs per year). This is assuming you drink coffee daily and remove coffee from your diet 100% and never drink coffee again. Ever. Not once. Not even a sip. Not even iced coffee. Not even coffee flavored ice cream or mocha flavored truffles. You need to go ZIP 100% coffee free, cold turkey, if you are going to lose weight.

Using lemon water to replace soda will increase the weight loss to 2lbs or more per week or 104lbs per year. In some people cutting soda 100% from their diet and replacing it 100% with lemon water, resulted in 12lbs of weight lose per week - however their body suffered from "diet shock". It is recommended to cut back on soda 1 can at a time - in other words if you drink 6 cans a day [average for most people] cut to 5 a day for the first week, than 4 a day the next week, etc, until you have SAFELY removed soda from your diet.

You can’t cut soda out of your diet cold turkey, because it’ll cause you to lose TOO MUCH weight too fast, and make you wicked sick afterwards, than cause your body to go into sugar shock (which can cause a coma).

This weight loss comes from just changing your fluid intake and nothing else. It requires no change in food/diet and no change of activity/exercise to see the weight loss numbers I have quoted here. Do note that these are “average” figures and not everyone loses weight the same speed. Your genetic makeup and metabolism has a lot to do with how much and how fast you lose weight, and that’s something you have no real control over.

Also anyone who tells you lemon water is 100% safe is pulling your leg, and you should never, ever, ever start a diet of any kind without getting a physical exam first and telling your doctor your weight lose plans and diet program ideas. Some people are allergic to lemons and citrus fruits. Some people who are not allergic, can become allergic if they suddenly flood their system with too much of it.

Some people have health issues (such as heart disease, or kidney disorders) which can become seriously complicated by eating citrus fruit (especially grapefruits). If you are taking any medication that has a warning telling you not to drink grapefruit juice (and about 14% of all medications say this on the label) then you should also avoid drinking lemon water.

Also, know that lemon water is not good for your teeth, so if you have dental issues be sure to ask your dentist if it is okay to drink lemon water before you start, because some folks who have fragile teeth, can actually see their dental problems increase from drinking lemon water.

I’m not a health expert or doctor or anything like that, I don’t know all the facts, but I do know that these are a few of the dangers you have to consider and there are others.

That’s why you should not start drinking lemon water until after you have told both your doctor and your dentist of your plans to do so.

You are wanting to lose 60lbs fast. Know that you can not SAFELY lose 60lbs in fewer than 30 weeks. It is very dangerous to lose more than 2lbs per week and no reputable health adviser will recommend losing more than 1lb a week (only 1/2lb a week is normally recommended); it is highly recommended that anyone who loses 4 or more lbs in a  single week see a doctor immediately as this is a sign of serious health problems.

Yes, lemon water works, and yes, it works fast, but losing more than 2lbs in a week is abnormal for ANY person on ANY diet. I’m sorry but, outside of surgery (which is risky of it self) there is no safe way you can lose 60lbs in 3 weeks no matter what diet you try. I’m sorry, but it just ain’t gonna happen.

Lemon water will help, sure, but lemon water is not the "cure all" answer to your problem, nor is lemon water the secret to what you seem to deem as my "weight loss success". I'm not sure, actually, how you came to the conclusion that lemon water had anything to do with me losing 80lbs or my losing 30 of those 80lbs super fast.

There are diets that can do it yes, but they have serious side effects that will make you very sick, side effects which include, but are not limited to: heart attack, stroke, and loss of the ability to ever have children. The biggest danger of super fast weight lose is the resulting super fast bounce-back of weight gain: in other words, say you did lose the 60lbs in 3 weeks; in 4 months you will have gained 120lbs back, because the fast weight loss will have triggered your brain to go into hyper mode, thus increasing the metabolic rate at which your body stores fat, causing you to gain weight at speeds triple your normal weight gain.

What you are not taking into consideration here is that I lost the 30lbs super fast because I was super sick, super dehydrated, and super close to death's door. I almost died, that's WHY I lost the weight, because I was too sick to eat! When you lose weight wicked fast like that, it's not just body fat you are losing, you lose muscle weight too. I almost died from starvation. I wasn't on a diet, I wasn't trying to lose weight! A frigging hurricane came through, took everything with it, including paces to grow or buy food. There simply was no food to eat for weeks on end. I lost weight because I was starving to death from lack of access to food! Okay?

Another thing you a probably not considering is I'm not a fan of sweets, so I don't add sugar to my lemon water, I sometimes don't add water to my lemon juice, and I buy those big 5lb bags of fresh lemons which I sit down, peel, and eat raw, same way most folks eat oranges, I am also known to crack open a jar of sour dills and drink the pickle juice same way most folks drink soda, I use vinegar as a topping/syrup/dip for everything, I eat 4 or 5 jumbo sour dill pickles a meal, and I've been doing this since I was about 3 years old. When I do drink soda the only soda I drink is Moxie. When I do eat candy, they tend to be TearJerkers or WarHeads. Did I mention I live in Maine and we Mainers have strange tastes in food?

So, yeah, before you jump in feet first and start guzzling down lemon water you might want to give it a taste first and see if you can take it, because there is a reason why not many people drink lemon water and that is because the average person is conditioned to drinking sweet drinks and really have a hard time just taking a few sips of lemon water. It's wicked sour.

For best results of consistent weight loss and prevention of further weight gain, you should be drinking 8 glasses of water a day (64oz) with at least 1 of those glasses containing 1/4cup of lemon juice. AND walk briskly over hilly terrain with steep inclines for at least 30mins a day 3 days a week. By doing this you should consistently lose 1 to 2lbs of abdominal fat per week.

The long term advantage of this “low stress” plan of adding lemon water and walking to your routine is that both lemon water and walking help to curb cravings and promote nutrients circulating throughout your entire body, and in the long run these things cause you to CRAVE healthier food and you will find that after 6 months or so of doing this, you no longer have the desire to eat “junk food”. This in turn causes you to keep the weight off, because you no longer desire to eat the things which put the weight on to begin with.

You only need to drink lemon water as one of your daily glasses of water,so don't go turning all of your glasses into lemon water!

Also, you mentioned drinking 32oz of water and thinking you are getting your daily recommended amount of water. Where do you get this idea from? I see it all the time. It’s so inaccurate. Who is telling you 32oz is even close to being the daily recommended amount of water? It’s not. It’s so not. 64oz is the daily recommended amount, not 32oz. 32oz is only HALF the daily recommendation. And 64oz, that ain’t the maximum, either, that’s only the barest minimum! If you are ONLY drinking 32oz a day than your body is really hating you because you are keeping it dehydrated.

I keep seeing folks mentioning they drink 32oz of water a day and think that is enough. I don’t get it. How are people thinking 32oz is enough? Just ask any doctor and they’ll tell you how wrong you are! 32oz is only half of the MINIMUM recommended daily amount of water which is 8, 8oz glasses (64oz). Your body struggles to burn energy (thus storing fat instead) if you do not have enough water in your system. You should try increasing your water intake to AT LEAST 8, 8oz glasses (64oz). You'll notice a dramatic difference in both your weight loss and your health, just from getting the required amount of water you need to run your body.

It's not 4, 8oz glasses a day. It's not 8, 4oz glasses a day. It's 8, 8oz glasses a day: minimum.

Do you know what minimum means? Minimum means no less than, but should be much more than. Minimum means enough to survive but not enough to thrive. Minimum means you actually need a lot more than 64oz of water a day, but never less than 64oz. Did you know that many health professional even say that 64oz is cutting the minimum too low and that it should be twice that? Twice that! That's 128oz a day! There are actually doctors and health gurus out there trying to get the FDA to change the daily minimum from 8, 8oz glasses to 8, 16oz bottles of water! That is 2 gallons of water a day (not 2 gallons of lemon water a day! Lemon water is acid, it'll burn holes in our stomach you drink 2 gallons of it a day!).

These doctors are saying you should not drink less than 2 gallons of water a day, and you are telling me that by drinking only 1/2 gallon of water a day, you think you are getting enough to drink? Honey, if you REALLY want to lose weight, start drinking 2 gallons of water a day. Why?

Well, besides all the health reasons behind it, if you are dehydrated your body starts craving salt. When you start craving salt you start eating more. When you eat more, you gain weight. When you drink 2 gallons of water a day, your body is nice and happy because it is hydrated, so it doesn't tell you to feed it salty foods, you don't get all these hourly hunger snacking cravings, you suddenly have the desire to eat less, and by eating less, you stop gaining weight, and start to lose weight instead.

Think of it as if you were a car. You wouldn't try to drive your car around if the transmission fluid was half empty, because it would kill the transmission. The transmission is the heart that keeps a car running, without the proper fluid level everything on your car starts pushing harder to keep the transmission going and soon everything is wearing out faster than normal.

When you are drinking anything less than 64oz of water a day, you are putting more pressure on your heart and wearing down all of your organs and systems that are working double time to make up for your heart not getting enough fluid (remember - your blood is mostly water and if you are running on half empty, your blood ain't flowing properly through your heart!)

Think of lemon water as you adding premium gas to your car. It doesn't really need it, but it'll last longer and run better if you do it.

Note: if you lose more than 2lbs per week, you also are at a greater risk of your body gaining the fat back twice as fast. In other words if you lose 6lbs in one week, those 6lbs you lost in a week, will come back as 24lbs added to your waist in about 4 months time. This is caused by "hunger shock". Hunger shock is when your body loses weight too fast and your brain triggers cravings, causing you to eat more, snack more, become drowsy (thus skipping active pursuits more), and induces your body to start producing "panic fat" (your brain assumes you are starving to death and "panics" triggering your body to produce more fat than is normal.) Never, ever, EVER try to lose more than 2lbs per week and if you find yourself losing 4 or more lbs per week go to your doctor FAST!

Not sure what you mean by "fairer", I assume you mean skin care? It does prevent wrinkles, blemishes, and acne, I am in my 40s, I started doing this in my teens, and when I go shopping on school days, I often have store clerks yelling at me for "cutting class"; when I show them my id, they next accuses me of having fake id! They always think I'm under 16. Than they say "But you’re 20 years older than me, how is that possible?" Never smoked, never drank coffee, never drank alcohol, never ate meat, I live on the beach and gather fresh beach sand to make skin scrubs with, and I ditched soda and replaced it with lemon water.

I also have a hell of a healthy diet and lifestyle. And I am running out of room to write this all on one page so I’m going to stop here and go create a second page, and then keep on writing my answer because I ain’t close to finished, it is kind of finished on the lemon water side of things, so new page...



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Don't forget to check out Flamboyant Nipples.

You know you want to click it.

Gay Haters Attack AGAIN!
This Time with 
FLAMBOYANT NIPPLES!

You're probably asking: What the hell are Flamboyant Nipples?

It's a new website that was created April 1, 2017. Which on the surface appears to be a joke and appears to be funny. But a closer look reveals it to be a hate site, hating on gays and supporting KKK terrorist acts. Specifically - it's a propaganda site made in support of the Ku Klux Klan's anti-gay terrorist attacks that have been happening in Old Orchard Beach, Maine. Meaning it was made by somebody local and probably the person doing the hate crimes.

On the surface, Flamboyant Nipples website seems funny, if you don't know the murders, house bombs, death threats, animal abuse, vandalism, hate crimes, and domestic terrorist attacks they are referring to.

To any one outside of Maine it may look like harmless fun, but any one here in Old Orchard Beach who is Gypsy, Jewish, Muslim, Black, LGBTQA, or Native American, will tell you there's nothing funny about having a gun to your head. There's nothing funny about house bombs. 

Did you know there have been 5 additional house bombs, that I have never mentioned? One blew up an apartment building and killed 6 people. I only talk about the one that blew up my house and the one that blew up my doctor's office.  My Muslim doctor would tell you how not funny the Flamboyant Nipples website it, if he hadn't died in the bomb and was able to tell you.

Have I ever told you about the bomb at WalMart November 2015, put in MY department where I worked? Or the bomb in 2013, put in MY classroom at Southern Maine Community College 2013, a few weeks before I was beaten up and paralyzed?

Start interviewing the families of Old Orchard Beach.

Come here to our town and actually talk to the gay men who've been stripped naked by the Ku Klux Klan and hung by their balls from the tops of flagpoles. They'll tell you how not funny the Flamboyant Nipples website is.

Did you even actually READ the Quaraun books before you wrote Flamboyant Nipples? Do you even know what the hate crimes are you are supporting? Specifically BoomFuzzy, the one that features a horrific scene where Quaraun is attacked by gay haters from his town, stripped naked, tied to a horse, dragged through the streets, beaten, then hung by hi balls from a tree and left to bleed to death, hanging in the tree for 5 days.

Did you know THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED to a man right here in our town?

The Ku Klux Klan stripped him naked, tied him to the back bumper of a car, dragged through the streets from Old Orchard Beach to Biddeford Maine - a 14 mile drive, beat him, then hung him by his balls from the giant flag pole at Rotary Park and left to bleed to death, hanging in the tree for 5 days. They did it in the dead of winter when the park was closed to the public, so it was 5 days before any one found him. He almost froze to death and suffered brain damage from hang upside down so long, the blood putting too much pressure on his brain.

You want to know how old he was?

The gay man who was dragged naked through the streets, his feet tied to the back bumper of a car?

15 years old.

He was a fifteen year old boy.

A CHILD! Grown men did that to him. Men in their 30s, 40s, and 50s ganged up on a 15 year old boy and tortured him almost to death... because they SUSPECTED that he MIGHT be gay because he was wearing a pink suit to go to the prom. 

They didn't have any proof he was gay. They just thought maybe he MIGHT be, because he was wearing pink.

A CHILD!

They did that to a child!

That's what kind of monsters we have running the businesses of Old Orchard Beach!

Men who drag children 14 miles, naked, tied to the back of their car... for 14 damned miles!

And no one did one damned thing to stop them.

People in the town stood around and cheered them on as they tortured a 15 year old boy, because of the colour of his clothes.

Do you think that kind of torture is something FUNNY? Something to laugh at and make fun of?

And it happened more then once, to multiple men. Rotary Park had to take their flag pole down to try to prevent it happening again. Biggest flagpole in the state of Maine, used to be a tourist attraction, gone because of the horrific hate crimes against gay men in our town.

I include references to that event in EVERY single Quaraun novel to bring awareness to the horrific things gay haters do to gay men.

EVERY ONE of the violent acts against Quaraun in the novels is based off of a REAL LIFE event here in our town. EVERY ONE OF THEM.

It's why I keep saying the Quaraun series is NOT Erotica. It's not meant to be Erotic, it's meant to bring awareness to what type of hate crimes gay men around here have to put up with. The scenes in the Quaraun books are NOT meant to be taken as sexual fantasies, they are meant to show how horrific gay men around here are treated by their/our community.

The hate crimes against gay men, especially transgender men are horrific in this area and it needs to stop. The gay community around here is too scared to fight back, but I'm not, if no one else is going to do anything to protect them, I will, and THAT is why I write the Quaraun series.

The Quaraun series is about a gay man, a transvestite, who's life is absolutely destroyed by gay haters, after they tortured him and drove his lover to suicide. He becomes a wizard to resurrect his lover. The series follows them as they live on the run, going from one town to the next looking for someplace that will accept gay men. THAT is what the series is about. How everywhere they go, they get attacked and beaten and publicly humiliated because they dare to love each other.

Quaraun is based off actual real live transvestites, transsexuals, and gay men who live here in Maine and were interviewed by me, specifically with the goal of portraying their lifestyle and the hate crimes they live with as ACCURATELY as possible.

The original idea came from the suicide of my grandmother's best friend; a transvestite who owned the dollar store in the Saco Shaw's parking lot back in the 1980s. He was the first transvestite I ever knew, he was a close friend of the family for years, and one day he was gone. He commit suicide because he couldn't take the horrific gay hatred that was thrown in his face every day. He left behind a lover that went mad with grief and then shot himself.

THAT is where I got the idea for the Quaraun series. From the REAL LIFE suicide of a REAL transvestite who a friend of mine.

Start asking about the 500 cats and dogs that vanished from our town between 2014 and 2017 - 140 families have had their pets returned cut up in pieces. They'll tell you how not funny the Flamboyant Nipples website is.

You think it's just me these things are happening too? Open your damned eyes.

These things started happening to me in 2001. I started writing the Quaraun series in 1997, but locals didn't know about it, until 2001. The hate crimes against my family, started WHEN this town found out I was writing the Quaraun books. Gay hatred in this town is SO BAD, that they are willing to attack, beat up, cripple, a straight woman, bomb her house, kill her cats, fill her motorhome with feces... because she was the ONLY person in this damned town willing to speak out against the anti-gay hate crimes of Old Orchard Beach.

I'm not the FIRST one they did these things too... I'm just the first straight female they did them too, that's all.

I'm just the only one with enough balls to speak out against the Ku Klux Klan. That doesn't mean I'm the only one they've terrorized. It just means I'm fed up with living in terror and am saying enough is enough. I'm taking my life back and they aren't gonna push me around any more. And I'm gonna help the gay men of this town get their lives back too.

The gay haters of this town tried to kill me on November 14, 2013 because I wrote a book featuring a gay main character. I almost died and now I'm crippled for rest of my life.

Six months after the Quaraun books went from free to read online, to their first mass produced, mass market release (September 2, 2014), the gay haters of this town filled my motothome with feces and cut my cats heads off (April 10, 2015).

I am fed up with the viscous, violent, acts of terrorism that no one around here blinks an eye at, because it happens so often, multiple times a day, every single damned day to so many people!

Too many people in this town turn a blind eye to what is going on.

Too many people in this town are saying "I don't want to get involved, they'll come after me too, I have my own family to think about".

This has to end.

This level of terrorism is beyond insanity and some one needs to put and end to it.

I'm founder of the Proctor and Gamble Boycott, I shut down those animal test labs, it took me 27 damned years to do it, but I did it, and if I can do THAT, then I know I can shut down the gay hatred of this town too.

What is happening here is NOT RIGHT and NEED TO STOP!

And sites like Flamboyant Nipples, who take these hate crimes, and make fun of them, make it look like it's funny to torture gay men, are deplorable and disgusting!

The gay haters of this town like to run around bragging that Old Orchard Beach is a family friendly town, added to that phrase, that it is "family friendly because it doesn't allow gays"... 

Old Orchard Beach is NOT a family friendly town until it is family friendly for ALL families even gay ones!

I challenge the motels, hotels, and business of Old Orchard Beach, to start putting up rainbow flags... EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM....

EVERY business.... no matter how small, no matter how far off a main road onto a side street you are...

Put up a rainbow flag on your business sign. Let the world know you support gay rights and welcome the gay community in Old Orchard Beach.

Because I'm going around this town and making a list of every single business in this town that is NOT gay friendly and I'm putting them on the Proctor & Gamble Boycott website, to notify all 30 million members of my P&G protest team, which businesses in Old Orchard Beach they need to start protesting.

Prove to the world, you're not a gay-hater.

Because the whole WORLD is about to start protesting this town.

These hate crimes need to stop. NO ONE should be forced to live in terror! The gay members of this community deserved to live here with open arms. Their families are families too!

I say let's make this town family friendly for ALL families! 

SAY NO THE THE GAY HATERS OF OLD ORCHARD BEACH!

Those gay haters rely on the tourist income to survive: BOYCOTT every business in this town that REFUSES to hang a rainbow flag on their business signs. DO NOT give your hard earned money to the gay hating business owners of Old Orchard Beach!

SAY NO TO THE HATE CRIMES!

They want to call this town family friendly... well let's MAKE it family friendly then... for ALL families!

Not just the white ones!

Not just the straight ones!

Not just the Christians!

Make it family friendly for EVERY family!

Old Orchard Beach Residents Better Start Praying My Next Sign Doesn't Have a Pink Penis Painted On It, Because I'm Getting Sick And Tired Of Them Harassing Me,

And If It Takes A Ten Foot Painting Of A Penis Standing In The End Of My Driveway To Get Them To Leave Me Alone...

Then That's Gonna Be The Next Sign I'll Put Up.


Flamboyant Nipples: 
Ku Klux Klan Crosses, House Bombs,
& Book Burnings:

An Author's Guide To Writing 
The Christian Worldview:


Flamboyant Nipples:
A Lesson In How To Offend Your Readers
As Much As Possible


Scenes from the novels, mentioned in the above video, can be read free online. 

The scene she was offended by in Night of the Screaming Unicorn can be read HERE.

The scene containing the page of Fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck, fucks, can be read HERE.

If you don't know what the genres Yaoi or Pink Humor are, you can find out HERE.

P.s> Inspired by the gay hatred of
Flamboyant Nipples; 
I'm Painting A New Sign for my driveway
... It's a Picture of Black Tower...
Enjoy!

Meet The Flamboyant Nipples
and Their Fabulous Pink Penis...
Coming Soon To A Driveway Near You:


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Looking To Connect With the REAL EelKat?

❤️ ❣️ ☮

Below is a list of the ACTUAL, REAL, OFFICIAL online accounts owned and managed by me:

on Amazon:  ► http://www.amazon.com/author/eelkat

on FaceBook - Profile:  ► http://www.facebook.com/EelKat

on FaceBook - Fan Page:  ► https://www.facebook.com/EelKatWendyCAllen

on FaceBook - Writer's Group:  ► https://www.facebook.com/ShortStoryWriters

on Google+:  ► https://plus.google.com/+EelKat/posts/p/pub

's Home Page:  ► http://www.EelKat.com

on Instagram:  ► https://www.instagram.com/eelkat

on Itch.io:  ► https://eelkat.itch.io

on MySpace:  ► https://www.MySpace.com/eelkat

on Pinterest:  ► https://www.pinterest.com/eelkat

on Spoonflower:  ► http://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/eelkat

on Steam:  ► http://steamcommunity.com/id/eelkat

on Tumblr: ► http://eelkat.tumblr.com

on Twitter:   ► https://twitter.com/EelKat

on YouTube - Subscribe Today! ► https://www.youtube.com/user/EelKat

on Zazzle:  ► http://www.zazzle.com/eelkat

❤️ ❣️ ☮

Looking for the Quaraun books? The original Unicorn Porn #Yaoi short stories are no longer available, but are currently being compiled in chronological order and republished as novels. The new Kindle novel editions can be found here:   http://tinyurl.com/Quaraun 

Interviews about the Quaraun series: 

❤️ ❣️ ☮

Hugs and kisses to my wonderful fans. Love you all! Talk to you again soon.  

If it ain't on this list, it's probably fake.

~EK 


Throughout 2013 - 2015 a slew of FAKE "EelKat" accounts surfaced, both on social networks and on forums, most were created by a woman calling herself Kendra Silvermander, or her backhoe driving cousin who drove a backhoe over my house, the same woman and her family who cut the heads off my cats, are the same people who hacked my online accounts, created a slew of fake accounts and pretended to be me, after they beat me up on November 14, 2013, leaving me paralyzed for 5 months, relearning to walk for 18 months, and clueless to their impersonation of my online due to my life threatening crippled state that had me offline from November 2013 to March 2016.

Who they are and why they are doing this remains unknown. If you know the identity of these people, please contact the FBI in charge of the investigation into their murder attempts on my life:

Agent Andy Drewer

of the Portland FBI

@ 207-774-9322 

NOTE: I was very active on forums from 1997 to 2007 and have RARELY used a forum since then. Other then the Warriors Forum and Absolute Write I have not posted on ANY forums AT ALL since 2012.

Note: My old inactive forum accounts were hacked and "resurrected" in 2013/2014/2015 by a psychotic NaNoWriMo ML who is upset over my having won a total of 27 writing contests/challenges and published 130+ novels since 2004 and and apparently (according to her emails) she has yet to win or publish anything.

If you see "me" posting on a forum at any point after 2012, know that it is likely this mysterious, and still yet unidentified "Kendra Silvermander".

More information about Kendra Silvermander and what she did can be found here.

Let's think about something here...

I'm just a harmless old lady who likes to dress like and Elf and paint everything pink and write stories about Elves having sex with Unicorns. For THAT, the residents of Old Orchard Beach, call me crazy, build a bomb, blow up my house, stand in my drive way and shoot at me, kidnap my cats, cut my cats' heads off, nail my cats' heads to my door, beat my 28 year old Shetland pony's head in, drive a back hoe over my house 3 times, filled my motorhome with feces 3 feet deep, I was paralyzed for 5 months because they trespassed up in here and beat me up, 3 years later I finally recover and start walking again and they beat me up again this time with a shopping cart rupturing 3 discs in my spine while screaming "kill or be killed remember Saco Shaw's!" and they cut my car in half. I'm sorry, WHO exactly is the crazy person here? 

Yes, I wear pink ball gowns every day.

Yes I wear fake pointy ears and long white Rapunzel wigs.

Yes, I paint my cars, my motorhome, and my mailbox pink.

Yes, I write about Elves having sex with Unicorns.

So the fucking hell what?

I haven't set foot off my land in 40 years. The only time I have contact with people is when THEY trespass on my yard and invade my privacy. And you know what? I've always welcomed them with happy smiles and open arms, made them meals and served them tea, and spent the day happily chatting with any one and every one who wanted to visit me. I love it when you people stop by to visit me as it's the only time I have any one to talk to other then my cats... oh wait... I don't have ANYONE to talk to any more, now that sociopath freaks murdered them and nailed their heads to my door!

You call me crazy because I wear pink dresses, yet THESE THREE PEOPLE are the ones who built a bomb and blew up my house!

You call me crazy because I wear pink dresses, yet THESE THREE PEOPLE are the violent trespassers who stands in my drive way and shoot at me.

You call me crazy because I wear pink dresses, yet THESE THREE PEOPLE are the ones who kidnap my cats, cut my cats' heads off, nail my cats' heads to my door, beat my 28 year old Shetland pony's head in, drive a back hoe over my house 3 times, filled my motorhome with feces 3 feet deep, and cut my car in half.

I mean REALLY stand back and look around.

All I'm doing is wearing strange cloths. I'm not the violent animal abusing, bomb building, psychopath beating up elderly women... THEY are.

There's a hell of a big difference between a half blind elderly woman dressing up as comic book characters and not bothering one damned person, and violent psychopathic criminal creeps beating her up, bombing her house, driving a back hoe over 3 more of her houses, cutting her car in half, filling her motorhome with feces, murdering her horse, and slaughtering her cats!

On November 14, 2013 I was beaten up at Southern Maine Community College, paralyzed for 5 months, was relearning to walk and relearning to use my hand for 18 months. I was offline that entire time. I returned online March 2016, to find that a hacker had taken over nearly all of my online accounts, social network accounts, forum accounts, and even here, and had been posting online pretending to be me. 

Know that between November 14, 2013 and March 31, 2016, that I was NOT ONLINE and all posts made between those dates were not made by me.

On July 28, 2016 the same group of people who beat me on November 14, 2013, arrived at my workplace and beat me up again, this time with a shopping cart while screaming "kill or be killed, remember Saco Shaw's all transsexuals are alike". 

I was once again paralyzed, this time for 3 months, and this time suffering 3 ruptured discs in my spine.

Old Orchard Beach has a crazy person in it all right, but isn't me... and the residents of this town need to get off their asses and tell the FBI who this white haired man and his blond wife and red haired sister-in-law are BEFORE THEY KILL ME! The red haired woman calls herself Kendra Silvermander.

The white haired man drives a 4-door-white pick-up truck. The blond women drives a gold volvo suv and is often accompanied by a red haired woman who identifies herself as "Kendra Silvermander".

The red-haired woman wears lime green glasses and usually carries a tiny white poodle that she called "my dragon child", the poodle is sometimes dyed purple and sometimes wearing a purple dragon costume. This woman acts EXTREMELY child-like and appears to have a serious mental handicap. She often brags "I'm off my meds" while attacking me. She is EXTREMELY violent.

The 4-door white truck is some times driven by a bald man. I don't know if this is the same man as the white haired man or not. I think the white haired man and the bald man are both the same person and not 2 separate people. The white hair looks VERY fake, like a cheap Halloween wig. I've never seen his face (I'm legally blind in one eye and nearly so in the other). He appears to be a younger man in his 30's trying to disguise himself to look like an older man in his 60s. I am 5'6" and he is quite a bit bigger then me. Possibly over 6 feet. Very broad shouldered (like a football player).

The 2 women look much older. The blond woman is quite "weather beaten", bad completion, like someone who spends too much time in the sun for too many years. She appears to be in her 60s, possibly younger with premature wrinkles? Her stick straight (possibly salon straightened) shoulder leanth hair is a dirty blond, that she sometimes has dyes with very fake platinum blond stripes. (Her hair was striped like this the day she attacked with the shopping cart.)

The 2 women make a habit of following me to work. (I am a retail merchandiser and drive upto 100+ miles a day covering multiple stores). They have attacked me with shopping carts at:

Saco Shaw's

Biddeford WalMart

Scarborough Walmart (multiple times)

Sanford WalMart.

Kendra alone without the blond woman or the man, has beaten me up, punching me in the head, hitting me in the face, while I was eating at the Panera Restaurant in Westbrook.

They have a few times been accompanied by a third woman, calling herself "Deana". A small chubby woman in her 20's with sandy brown hair. She calls herself "The NaNoWriMo ML of Saco". She once had her husband with her. He is a blind man, walks with a white cane. She shows up at restaurants and libraries while I'm eating, working, or studying. She always comes in and says "Kendra sent me"

The red-haired woman calling herself "Kendra Silvermander" has beaten me up 3 times now at the Westbrook Panera restaurant - in October and November 2010. 

It was the man who beat me up in 2013 and his 2 women who beat me up in 2016. (The Deana woman has never been violent and doesn't appear to be involved in the attacks, appears to be just "a messenger". The last time I saw Deana, she said she would be no longer working for Kendra as she was expecting a baby and wanted to focus on her family. That was at the Golden Rooster Restaurant in Saco, in November 2009.)

These people attack viciously and violently EVERY single April/May and October/November of every year since 2001, during the two National Novel writing Month writing contests which Kendra Silvermander claims to be the head of (I know she is not, because Chris Baty and Heather Dudley, of San Francisco, California are the owners and heads of NaNoWriMo.) Kendra Silvermander also claims her father owns FunTown Amusement Park in Saco (I checked, and the owners of FunTown have never heard of her). Kendra also claims her aunt owns the little blue breakfast cafe beside Landre's Market at the corner of Cascade Road and Portland Ave in Old Orchard Beach. I checked - the owner is not related to anyone named Kendra, but does report having a niece named Deana.

This mysterious red head, appears to be the ring leader. Calls the white haired man her cousin and the blond woman her sister. The blond woman claims to be the white haired man's wife.

The white haired man refers to himself as "The Royal Family of Old Orchard Beach" and claims to have paid $6million for his house, claims to have "inherited millions" from his father, which he says gives him the right to run the town and give orders to the town hall. On July 15, 2015 he arrived in my driveway driving a giant landmover sized construction dump truck, green with a red apple painted on the side - the same red apple painted on the side of the backhoe that ran over my house August 8, 2013, bragging that the town hall took my cats on his orders. The dump truck was filled with black trash bags of garbage and appliances which he was attempting to dump in my yard... while he was there, because he was there, I parked my motorhome across the end of my driveway to keep him out, and he went into an infuriated meltdown, yelling that he keeps a gun for "shooting woodchucks" in his truck and would use it to "blow your brains out" if I refused to move the motorhome to let him into my yard with the haul of garbage he was trying to dump.

He drove up the logging road across the street from me, then came back out minutes later driving a 4-door white pick-up truck, screaming out the window that he was going to the town hall to order them to remove my motorhome so he could access my driveway to dump his garbage. THIS man... does not appear to be the same white haired man who beat me up. His hair is far more grey, natural looking, and he's a little guy, not much bigger then me, very skinny, probably only 5'9" or so. He appears however, to be the man, the bald haired man (who USUALLY drives the 4 door white truck) is trying to look like.

I've only seen the little, skinny older man twice: that day July 2015, and again September 12, 2015 when he returned with police officers DeLuca, Ladecaca, and Regan, and tried to make them remove my motorhome, claiming that it was "too gay for the family friendly town of Old Orchard Beach". The police just laughed at him and told him there was no laws against painting a motorhome pink, to which he responded to say, that he'd force the town hall to make a law banning gays and their cars from living in Old orchard Beach.

He claimed to work at the Old Orchard Beach Town Hall, calling himself the "zoning board of appeals" but when I asked at the Town Hall, they knew nothing of him and have no such thing as a "zoning board of appeals". He claims to own a motel and brags that it does not allow gays or non-whites inside, boasting that he and someone named "Dan Feeny" are passing laws to ban gays from Old Orchard Beach. There is someone named Dan Feeny at the town hall be he denied knowing anything of being part of making such laws.

The LITTLE skinny, and ACTUALLY old white-haired man, does not appear to be aware that the younger bald man is dressing up like him and using his trucks to attack me.

It appears the blond woman may ACTUALLY be the younger bald man's  mother, not his wife as she claims.

The police reports of September 12, 2015 identified the LITTLE white haired old man from that day. However, I don't think he is the man who normally drives the 4-door white truck that keeps attacking. He's not much bigger then I am, and he looks very old, his hair is grey white, not snow white; and the man who attacks is MUCH bigger then me, both taller and more muscled, (definitely someone who works out and lifts weights) looks to be in his 30s, and is wearing a very bad, cheap Halloween wig to try to look like the little old man.

The identity of the bald man who wears a white wig and pretends to be the old man named on the September 12, 2015 police report, remains a mystery. Whoever this younger man is, he has access to the keys of the trucks which are owned by the older man.

The FBI is looking for the DRIVER of the trucks, not the OWNER. The owner is known. The DRIVER however, is a DIFFERENT man then the OWNER.

The police have also identified the older man as being the OWNER of the backhoe that drove over my house, however, he denies having driven it that day and claims it was stolen. Again, the FBI is seeking the DRIVER of the backhoe, not the OWNER.

The bald man is very clearly impersonating the old man, and appears to be taking orders from the blond woman, who in turn appears to be taking orders from the red-haired woman. The red haired woman appears to be the instigator and ring leader of ALL of the vandalism, violence, and hate crimes and also appears to be the source of the false accusations and rumors being spread around town calling me "gay" and "transsesxual".

When the 3 are seen together, the man backs down fast to the blond woman, as if scared of her, the way a boy os scared of an overbearing "mommy dearest". The blond woman and the red haired woman act to each other, like sisters or best friends, but the red head is very bossy to the blond one. The blond woman seems to have a very short, very violent temper and is easily worked into a frenzy by words of the red head woman.

When they attack me in the store, it is the blond woman who wields the shopping cart while the red head yells to her "There's EelKat! Go get her!"

They brag to being members of what they call "The Loyalist White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan"

Note that there is no group called "The Loyalist White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan" the ACTUAL group is called "The Loyal White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan" and is both a church (religious denomination) and a political party (like Democrats, Republicans, Whigs, Green Party, etc.). The REAL Ku Klux Klan has paid membership, rank, very specific robes, etc.

It appears that these people are NOT ACTUAL members of the Ku Klux Klan, but are rather simply calling themselves that and are doing hate crimes based off stereotypes of how the KKK is portrayed in movies (which is vastly different from how the actual organization acts.)

Also, I repeat: REAL KKK members wear very specific robes, stoles, capes, and hats... they DO NOT wear white pillow cases with holes cut in them. Also, contrary to urban myth, KKK robes come in all sorts of colours, including red, green, yellow, blue, etc. Only members of SPECIFIC RANKS wear white. 

It appears these people know absolutely nothing about the REAL organization called the Ku Klux Klan, are NOT affiliated with the ACTUAL KKK group, and are simply running around calling themselves KKK members to justify their hate crimes.

The identity of the bald man who wears a white wig and USUALLY drives a 4-door white pick up truck, remains a mystery.

The identity of the blond woman and the red haired woman, also remains a mystery. Both women are close to my height. The red head is slightly chubby.

Interesting to note, is there are THREE (3) different 4-door white trucks. This man has access to all three, yet is not the owner of any of them. The owners of the 3 trucks are at 139 Portland Ave, 140 Portland Ave, and 3 Whispering Pines Drive. The bald man who wears the wig, somehow has access to the keys to all 3 of these trucks, though the owners of all 3 trucks claim no knowledge of the bald man. The bald man himself, continues to insist he works for the Old Orchard Beach Town Hall, once claiming to "work in Jeff's office". I am uncertain to what he was referencing when he said "Jeff's office". There is a "Jeff" at the Town Hall, but he doesn't have an office. He's an old man who's been a close friend of my family since the 1950s. He doesn't know the bald man either.

The owners of 2 of the trucks (140 Portland Ave and 3 Whispering Pines) do in fact work at the Town Hall - one is a woman who I go to church with at the Saco Ward Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and the other is my dad's cousin, and is the owner of the local sewage company and has a few dozen sewage pumper trucks, a few dozen garbage disposal trucks, and a few hundred port-a-potties sitting in his yard. (Pointing that part out as on April 10, 2015 someone pumped my motothome full of feces 3 feet deep, and it is suspected to be the bald man who wears a white wig and has access to the keys to trucks owned by the sewage company. and throughout 2007 to 2014 someone kept dumping garbage truck loads of garbage on my land.)

Given the evidence, it appears the bald man who wears a white wig and drives 3 different 4-door-white trucks, is a construction work who is also an employee of Blow Brothers Waste Removal Company, giving him access to both the garbage trucks that dumped garbage on my land and the sewage pumper trucks that filled my motorhome with feces, as well as giving him access to the backhoe that drove over my house August 8, 2013. Whoever this bald man is, he is the one who beat me up and tried to kill me on November 14, 2013. He is suspected of being the one who cut my cats heads off as well. He is also suspected of being the person who built the bomb that blew up my first house October 18, 2006.

This man is wanted by the FBI for attempted murder, 19 years of stalking, more then 200 counts of hate crimes, monstrous acts of animal abuse, domestic terrorism, and is considered to be extremely dangerous, most likely suffering from mental illness, suspected of likely suffering from Sociopathy/ Psychopathy.(wiki link)

This man is classified as a highly dangerous domestic terrorist and apparently lives in either Old Orchard Beach or Scarborough, Maine...possibly in Pine Point (the over lapping community that connects Old Orchard Beach and Scarborough) as dozens of witnesses have seen his 4-door white truck drive in the area around The Clambake Restaurant and Conway's Gas Company, driving in and out of the parking lots of various motels on that block.

If you know who he is please call the FBI Agent in charge of the case, Agent Andy Drewer, IMMEDIATELY.

If you see his truck, back away fast, get off the road and away from sidewalks ... he uses his truck as a weapon to slam into cars of any one he suspects of being LGBTQA and to run non-whites and suspected gays off the sidewalks. He is known to drive up on to lawns to attempt to hit people in their own yards.

NOTE: You do not have to be ACTUALLY LGBTQA for him to attack - you only need to be suspected by him, of being LGBTQA. He also attacks Blacks, Jews, Muslims, Irish, Scottish, Gypsies, and any one "not Christian" (by not Christian, he means not Baptist, as he attacks Catholics as well.)

The two women are also wanted by the FBI for assisting this man in his crimes.

I don't know who this white-haired/bald man and his two women are. They are strangers to me. I don't know their names. And I don't know why they are doing this. 

The little older man, would also like to know who these 3 people are, as they are framing him for things he did not do, he being the man this bald man with the white wig is impersonating.

Some body in this town must know who these people are ... PLEASE... the FBI is trying to put a stop to these insane hate crimes... PLEASE if you know who these psychopathic monsters are, PLEASE tell Agent Andy Drewer before they kill me. They cut my car in half in 2010. They cut my cats in half in 2015. How long do you think it'll be before they cut ME in half too? PLEASE HELP ME!

➽ ➽ ➽ If you have any information regarding the identity of the stalker/attacker/driver of the 4-door white pick-up truck please contact Officer Tim DeLuca of the Old Orchard Beach Police Department @ 207-934-4911 and

Agent Andy Drewer

of the Portland FBI

@ 207-774-9322 

 ◀️ ◀️ ◀️ ☎️

Please help the police and FBI put this brutal, violent, psychotically deranged stalker family in prison.

If you can identify her by her voice... the red haired woman can be heard yelling at me in this video (she shows up at 3:31 - 3 minutes and 31 seconds into the video and yells for about 2 minutes before a man arrives and drags her away - a gun shot can be heard AS she is saying "Fuck The Camera Ya Transvestite Freak") :

That video was filmed December 24, 2016, in Saint Andrea's Parking Lot in Biddeford, between Sullivan Street and High Street. I was unable to find the woman to get her on camera, but she's yelled at me so many times over the past decade that I know her voice and it was the red haired woman who calls herself "Kendra Silvermander." From the direction of her voice, I believe she was yelling from the 2nd floor window of the beige house at 23 High Street.

In addition to the property damages and physical injuries caused by these three people, I also suffer from serious crippling agoraphobia(wiki link), severe panic attacks(wiki link), and post traumatic stress disorder (wiki link),as a result of their now 2 decades of cruel torment and terrorism.

Please help the police and FBI put this brutal, violent, psychotically deranged stalker family in prison.

Have Information?
Call FBI Agent Andy Drewer @ (207) 774-9322 





Need Directions?

Rather then ask the crazy gun-toting neighbours, and risk get shot by the psychotically deranged, white power gay haters that live up and down my street, patrolling obsessively by my driveway every 15 minutes in a 4 door white pick-up truck, just get directions from Google Maps. Here, you can find 146 Portland Avenue, Old Orchard Beach, ME right here:


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