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EelKat Wendy Christine Allen
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Quaraun The Insane: Volume 9 or 21
The Jiggler & The G-String Teddy Bears

The Jiggler & The G-String Teddy Bears: Chapter 1


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By EelKat Wendy C Allen


The Jiggler & The G-String Teddy Bears
Free Sample Excerpt From The Novel


It has been brought to my attention, by several fans, that you have read all the currently published novels and are eagerly awaiting publication of the rest of the series. However, life being what it is, the town of Old Orchard Beach being what it is, and my health being what it is... publication of the novels got put on hold with an entire 2 years passing with no new novels published.

As I have many chapters of each volume finished, and each story can be read on their own in any order, without continuing one to the next, I have come to the conclusion that the best way to sait your appetite for more Quaraun, in between the publication of the finished novels, the best thing to do therefore is to simply publish the chapters that are finished here on my site, to give you something to read while waiting for each novel to be finished.

Please note that while not "true" erotica, the Quaraun series is sold as "Adult Entertainment" and is not intended for readers under the age of 18.

The Quaraun Series Is Yaoi (Gay Porn). While not "true Erotica" it is considered by most readers to be "Erotica" of some shape or form, due to the graphic nature of the sex content.

Most of the graphic stuff will not be found posted online, you'll have to read the novel for those scenes. While the excerpt below likely does not contain the stuff listed above, know that the novel it came from does, so do not buy the novel if any of those things bother you.

The Series Is Psychedelic Unicorn Porn & Contains Masochistic Drug Addicted Transvestite Twinkie Uke Elves (2 Elves - Quaraun & GhoulSpawn) Having Sex with a Sadistic Drug Dealing UnDead Seme Unicorn Lich Lord (King Gwallmaiic aka BoomFuzzy the Unicorn)

You must be 18 or older to buy the novels this excerpt comes from.















The Jiggler & The G-String Teddy Bears
Chapter 1







We interrupt our regularly scheduled story to bring you: BATDUDE!


Our story begins in the 1960s, somewhere in America. No one is really sure where, though according to one H.P.Lovecraft Arkam Asylum was in Massachusetts, and presumably, BatDude and PigeonPoopBoy had escaped them there, claiming to be off to save the world from the Dastardly green haired Jiggler, a critic hating author, whom had just published a novel about teddy bears, and was currently pacing through his mansion, wearing nothing but a purple sequined g-string and bemoaning the 52 negative reviews his book had received.

"Holy Gourda, BatDude, what is it?" 

"I don't know, Pigeon Poop Boy, but I think it's a teddy bear."

"Batdude, you don't mean to say The Jiggler is animating teddy bears for minions now do you?"

"I'm afraid that's what it looks like Pigeon Poop Boy."

"Holy hand grenades, BatDude what was that!"

"It's was a book bomb, Pigeon Poop Boy. That teddy bear thinks we're literary critics!"

BatDude was a human, a man in a black and purple leather bird costume. His companion Pigeon Poop Boy was also human. He was wearing a blue leotard with grey feathers glued to it.  

~o0o~

Meanwhile...back in the 1400s, where we were supposed to be to begin with...in a quiet Human village on the outskirts of Quebec... a tired transvestite Elf wearing a pink sequined ball gown, wrapped in a pink turkey feather boa, and travelling with two undead Faeries, one a vampire leprechaun and the other a Lich Phooka, had decided to rest for the night at a small tavern. The trio of non-Humans found a secluded booth in the back of the building and tried not to draw attention to themselves. This however, did not last long, as the bored and hyperactive Phooka, began teasing the tired, and cranky Elf.... 

~o0o~ 

"STOP IT!" Quaraun screamed, as he pulled away from Unicorn and kicked the Phooka in the face, sending the Phooka, and the table he'd been sitting under, flying across the room. FarDarrig sat, holding his drink, and wishing he'd also been holding his bottle, as it was now shattered on the floor along with their meals.

"Did you really have to do that," FarDarrig ask the angry Elf.

"I don't want him doing that in public," Quaraun snarled, as he sunk back into the bench seat and closed his eyes.

"Yis in the back booth of a seedy tavern, slunk away in a dark corner," FarDarrig answered. "I don't think any one was gonna notice or care if ya let him suck you off in public or not."

Quaraun opened one eye and glared at the Leprechaun.

"You make me get my wand out and I'm gonna blow you up in so many pieces, Unicorn won't be able to rebuild you."

"There's nothing worse then a bitchy, whinny assed Necromancer," the undead Leprechaun muttered.

"Not when you're undead, and both of you are," Quaraun answered.

Quaraun closed his eye again.

Unicorn stood up, with both hands over his nose.

"You okay?" FarDarrig asked the Phooka.

"I t'inks him done gone broke me nose," Unicorn said.

"I thought you were a Lich?"

"I is a Lich."

"Then how can you suffer from a broken anything?"

"Just because I does resurrect every time him lose him temper un kills me, does no mean I does no gets hurt. How ya t'inks I can die so often? I is Lich, aye. All that means is no matter how many times ya kills me, I always get back up. I does no stay dead. I can still get hurtified. I can still bleeds. Look! I is bleeding now! I can still has broken bones in me body. How ya t'inks I die iffy I does no get hurt?"

Unicorn picked up the table and tossed it back in it's proper place that sat down on top of it, cross legged and staring intently at Quaraun, who still had his eyes closed and was trying to ignore everything going on around him so he could get some much needed sleep.

Quaraun sensed Unicorn's gaze opened his eyes once again and stared at the undead creature, sitting on the table staring down at him.

"What are you doing?" the sleepy Moon Elf asked.

"I is waiting for ya to falls to sleep sos I can rape ya."

"Of course you are. Why didn't I think of that?"

Quaraun sat back up straight and called a bar maid to bring him more wine.

"I shall drug it," Unicorn said.

"Here! Be my guest."

Quaraun handed his mug to the Phooka.

"I could use some colour in my life," he continued. "This place is dull and dreary."

"You know," FarDarrig said. "A stranger would think you two hated each other."

"Meaning?" Quaraun asked.

"Meaning you just kicked him in the face and now he's sitting there happily pouring whatever the hell that is, into your wine."

Quaraun looked from FarDarrig back to Unicorn and watched the Faerie dumping white powder into his drink. The Phooka handed the mug back to the Elf. Quaraun stared at it for a moment, looked back up at Unicorn, then took the mug and drank it's contents.

"I don't seem to care," Quaraun said to FarDarrig as he put the mug back on the table.

"I can't believe you just drank that."

"Why wouldn't I?"

"He's a Phooka, you have any idea what kind of side effects Phookan drugs have on Elves?"

"Of course I do. I live with him. He drugs me all the time. I'm used to it."

"It really doesn't bother you?"

"I just told you I don't care."

"Why not?"

"Have you ever seen how big his cock is?"

"Measuring his cock wasn't something I ever planned to do, no."

"And he has two of them."

"Two?"

"He doesn't brag to being a double dicked unicorn for nothing."

"Why does he have two dicks?" FarDarrig turned to Unicorn. "Why do you have two dicks? You didn't used to have two dicks."

Unicorn pointed to Quaraun.

"He did it. Him evil wizard wid sick mind. Him one day make wish I could double stuff him. I now have two dicks. Him did grant him own wish. Though I is no complaining. Me does like having two dicks. One for each hand, when they is not in him."

"Why are we talking about dicks?" FarDarrig asked.

"Because," Quaraun answered. "You wanted to know why I let him drug me. He's horny out of his mind right now. Only getting hornier by the minute. I ain't got no strength in me. I'm weak, I'm tired. I can't fight him off, when I'm awake and good health. Sooner or later, prob'ly within the next few minutes, both his dicks are going to be in me, and I'd rather not be able to feel the pain when he does it."

"He's about to rape you and you're about to let him."

"He doesn't rape me, FarDarrig. He never does. He never has."

"No?"

"No."

"That's not what I'm hearing."

"Well then, you ain't listening."

"I am. I'm listening to a weak, sick, tired, injured Elf complaining that he wants to sleep and he knows he's going get ass fucked the moment he tries to, so he's taking drugs beforehand sos it won't hurt as much when it happens. That doesn't sound like you being a willing participant in his fucking you, and that therefore is rape."

"It's not rape."

"How do you come to that conclusion?"

"Because if I really didn't want it happening, I would unLichify him and drop his rotted corpse off in the nearest graveyard. I never said he couldn't fuck me, I like it when he fucks me, he fucks me every damned day. I just said I didn't want it to hurt when it happened. He's more then welcome to take whatever pleasure he wants out of me, I'd just like to not feel like I'm being split in half while he does it. He's not exactly gentle. He does tend to just dive into me like an axe splitting a log. Then he just keeps right on pounding into me. And he doesn't stop when I pass out. I wouldn't be at all surprised if when I finally died, I die from him fucking me to death....WHAT?"

Quaraun stopped talking to glare at the bar maid who was standing, jaw dropped listening to what he'd been saying.

"Uhm...I..." the girl didn't know what to say. She was still trying to comprehend how it was one male could fuck another male.

"I pay you to bring me food and drink," Quaraun snarled at her. "Not eavesdrop on my private conversations."

"Uhm..." 

The girl was staring wide eyed at the Elf. It was scary enough for her to have to serve non-Humans. She and the other girls had drawn straws to see who it was would have to wait on the Elf and his two Fae friends. She'd gotten the short end of the stick and was none too pleased. Elves were practically extinct, Faeries were seen so rarely that most people joked they were never real to begin with. No one in the village had ever seen a non-Human before and so half the village was in the tavern just now, trying to get a glimpse of the strange trio resting here. Two of the three being wizards didn't help the issue any, not when the Guild had a nasty habit of killing every resident of every village that opened it's doors to wizards, and worse then just wizards was Necromancers, and here was not just any Necromancer, but the dreaded Pink Necromancer himself, and everyone knew the Pink Necromancer traveller with a Lich, the fierce Elf Eater of Pepper Valley himself, an undead creature that laid waste to any village who refused to let him in. Here was the Pink Necromancer and the Elf Eater, both standing inches in front of her, arguing about their sex lives, and the poor girl was having all she could do not to have a heart attack just then. 

Quaraun rammed his finger onto the center of the table.

"Put my food on the table and leave," he ordered. "Go back to what ever the hell it is you Humans do."

The girl quickly tossed the platter on the table beside Unicorn, then scurried away, back to the bar where the other girls were gathered, whispering about the arrival of the dreaded Pink Necromancer in their town.

"Humans," Quaraun muttered to himself in the most disgusted tone he could muster. "Scum of the Earth. Nothing but a parasitic plague of over sized lice. Why must we be forced to exist along side such filth?"

"Ya know," Unicorn pointed out. "If ya would fuck a few females once in a while, Elves would no be dying out so fast."

"And where do you suggest I find a female Elf to fuck? I'm the last damned Moon Elf on the planet, or have you forgotten that?"

"Plenty of females here for ya to fuck," Unicorn said, pointing to the bar maids and not looking at Quaraun.

FarDarrig grabbed all the bottles off the table, slunk down out of his chair and went to the next table.

"What?" Unicorn asked FarDarrig, still not paying attention to Quaraun. He looked around the room. The Humans were all squished back against the wall, staring in his direction in terror.

Unicorn turned back to Quaraun. "Ohhh."

Quaraun was now standing up, one hand one the table, the other gripping his Rainbow Wand pointed inches from Unicorn's nose, blazing fury of pure hatred raging through his eyes. Small sparks of lightening zapped from the wand, and shimmered over Quaraun making any eerie glowing blow aura around him.

"How... dare... you suggest I consort with HUMANS!" The angry Necromancer roared. "There's too many of them as it is, without my helping to create even more of them. The last thing this world needs is Half Elf mongrels running in it! There's already too many Elves ploughing their seed in the wretches scum of Human filth!"

"Weeell," Unicorn said, sliding back away from the aim of the Necromancer's wand. "Maybe ya should had thunk of that before losing ya temper an killin' every one in ya village. Then ya'd still have yarself so pure blood Moon Elf bitches to fuck."

"They deserved to die and you know it."

"Does I?" Unicorn carefully reached over and pulled the wand out of Quaraun's hand, and tried shaking it to turn it off.

"They killed YOU."

"I commit suicide, Quaraun. Ya used it as an excise to kill every one who every pissed ya off."

"You died."

"And ya did gone an resurrect me. Now I's a Lich. How do ya turns this t'ing off?"

Quaraun sighed and sat back down. He watched Unicorn fumble with the wand. 

"Gimie that, before you blow this whole town up."



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Quaraun grabbed the wand and stuffed it back in his pink beaded heart shaped bag of holding. Then he looked around at the crowd of a dozen or so Humans that were gathered around their table.

"Oh go jump off a cliff," Quaraun growled to them. 

None of them moved. Most of them looked too scared to move.

"I t'ink they is ready to shit their pants," Unicorn laughed.

"Can't say as I blame 'em," FarDarrig said from the other table. "Got a high strung Necromancer over there."

"Why are you staring at me?" Quaraun asked the nearest Human.

"Your ears..." the man said.

Quaraun twitched his foot long ears, causing the many silver rings and chains, connecting from them to his nose, to tinkle.

"What is wrong with my ears?"

"Well, I always heard Elves had pointy ears, but..."

"But what?"

"Begging ya pardon, sir, but you look like a rabbit. And you're white as a ghost. Milk isn't as white as you. And your hair..."

"You don't like my hair?"

"There ain't no women never had hair as long as yours. You're like that woman what got herself locked in the tower."

"Rapunzel?"

"That's the one."

"Always is."

"Do all Elves dress like you?"

"No," Quaraun said sarcastically. "I'm pretending to be a prostitute."

"Oooh, I see." The man nodded, not realizing Quaraun was making fun of his ignorance.

Quaraun laid his head on the table.

"Whhhhhy are Humans soooo stuuuuuupid?" He moaned into the tablecloth. He sat back up and turned to the Human. "I am a Wizard of the DiJinn Order. This is how we dress. I'm a priest. These are the robes of our order. Do you know nothing of the DiJinn?"

"Genies are those wish granting wizards ain't they? Grant wishes for people. Like how you gave him two dicks, right?" The Human answered brightly, proud of the fact that he knew what the wizard was talking about, while pointing to Unicorn.

Quaraun turned to Unicorn.

"Why did I give you two dicks?"

"Ya was drunk," Unicorn said. "And high on poppies. And wanted a horse's dick stuffed up ya ass. Twice. At the same time."

"You know I don't remember any of that, right?"

"I knows. Sooner or later I'lls figure a way to get me horn up their same time as both me dicks."

Quaraun was about to yell at the Phooka but a Human interrupted him.

"Can I touch your ears," the Human asked, growing bolder as he took a few steps closer to Quaraun.

"NO!" The Elf shouted, causing all the Humans to jump back.

He stood there looking around the room at them.

"Have you really never seen an Elf before? None of you?"

They all shook their heads and muttered various version of "no".

Quaraun shook his head sadly.

"There used to be a time when people were surprised to see a Moon Elf, now every one is surprised just to see an Elf at all, of any type. What is the world coming to?"

"I tolds ya," Unicorn said. "Ya gotta give up on yar purity t'ing. Gotta start fucking every female ya sees, whiles ya still young enough to get it up. Ain't many males Elves left. Ya don't start repopulating, there soon won't be no Elves at all. Yis an olde Elf and ya ain't getting no younger. There be a whole bevy of females right over there. This crowd so scared of Elves, ain't no one here gonna stop ya.  At this point even half Elves is better then no Elves."

Quaraun glared at Unicorn, but said nothing. He was feeling woozy just then. The drug Unicorn had dumped in his wine was starting to take effect.

Quaraun was trying to think of an answer to Unicorn, as well as think of a way to getting the crowd of Humans to go back to what they were doing allowing him and his friends to rest from their travels in peace, when the air around them was interrupted by an earth shattering


27,706 / 50,000 words.
85/ 160 pages.
Draft @ 55.41%
Last updated on
March 13, 2015

KA-BOOOM!

A giant hole opened in the ceiling, the sky from another world could be seen over head.

Two masked Humans, one dressed as a bat, the other dressed as a bird, came tumbling out. Followed by two life sized teddy bears.

"Holy Gourda, BatDude, what is it?" Cried the young bird boy.

"I don't know, Pigeon Poop Boy," answered the bat. "But I think it's a teddy bear."

"Batdude, you don't mean to say The Jiggler is animating teddy bears for minions now do you?"

"I'm afraid that's what it looks like Pigeon Poop Boy."

"Holy hand grenades, BatDude what was that!"

"It's was a book bomb, Pigeon Poop Boy. That teddy bear thinks we're literary critics!"

BatDude was a human, a man in a black and purple leather bird costume. His companion Pigeon Poop Boy was also human. He was wearing a blue leotard with grey feathers glued to it. The two Humans from the future, dressed in bird costumes, ran around the tavern chasing the life sized teddy bears, that continued to tumble out of the portal.

Quaraun stared at the scene that was unfolding before him, as BatDude and PigeonPoopBoy rolled out of the blue sparking portal, into the tavern, battling a pair of g-string wearing teddy bears.

"What the hell did you put in my drink?" Quaraun asked Unicorn.

"Whatever it was, it didn't cause that," FarDarrig said. "Because I see it too."

"I give up," Quaraun said. "Where's my food. Humans are crazy. They're all crazy."

Quaraun reached for the platter the girl had left and set out to eating every thing on it and completely ignoring BatDude, PigeonPoopBoy and the giant animetronic teddy bears.

The conversation between the daringly dressed duo was eagerly watched by the black haired, black eyed, black clad Phooka, sitting in the corner with his friends, a transvestite albino Moon Elf dressed head to toe in pink sequins and a Vampire Leprechaun dressed in a brown leather outfit dyed with blood.

A small bomb went off on the other side of the tavern opposite where Quaraun, Unicorn, and FarDarrig were eating their dinner. Unicorn jumped nervously at the commotion, but Quaraun continued eating as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened. He had actively decided the entire thing was a hallucination and refused to acknowledge it was happening. FarDarrig was too busying pouring blood on his coat and rubbing it into the leather to notice anything that was going on at all.

"Quaraun?" Unicorn learned over and whispered into the Elf's ear. "There is a teddy bear named Freddy throwing bombs shaped like books at a couple of guys in bird suits. They all seemed to have just suddenly appeared there from out of no where."

Quaraun looked up and watched the three characters as they ran back and forth through the tavern, throwing things at one another.

"Yes, I had noticed." 

The pink clad Necromancer went back to eating.

"Should we help them?"

"No, they seem to be tearing the tavern apart just fine on their own."

"Ah. Yes. No. That's not quite what I meant."

"I know what you meant. But I don't particularly want to end up paying for the damages, and whenever we get involved in a tavern brawl, that does always seem to be what happens. Beside, I'd get my new dress dirty."

"Is that a new one?"

"Yes. It is." 

"I can never tell. All yar dresses look the same to me. I ain't never seen any pink cloth like this at any marketplace we visited, and can'na imagine where ya would have found a new dress." 

"Yes. It's new. I made it, while I was spending the last several weeks in bed, while the two of you stayed down stairs drinking and I was laid up in bed."

"Ya drinks just as much as we does."

"I drink because I'm in pain. You two are both undead. You ain't got no reason to drink."

"Ya does not approve of my drinking?"

"I don't approve of the belching contests you have with FarDarrig."

"Ah, well, let's put something in ya drink, then. Make ya feel happy and then I can fuck ya silly."

Unicorn dumped more powder in Quaraun's drink.

"Will you stop drugging my food!"

"Why? Ya knows ya gonna go ahead and drinks it anyways. Ya like the drugs as much as they likes ya, eh?"

"Yes." 

A teddy bear ran by, with two Humans in bird costumes chasing after it.

The blue boy stopped running and stared at Quaraun.

"Holy pink flamingos, BatDude, look at that dress that prostitute is wearing!"

"Can't look now, Pigeon Poop Boy, I got a teddy bear to catch." BatDude called out from across the room.

Quaraun watched BatDude and Pigeon Poop Boy as they chased the teddy bear.

"I'm not even high yet and I'm already seeing weird things." 

Quaraun took the second drugged drink and drank it without farther argument.

"I thought ya didna want me drugging ya drink?" Unicorn asked.

Quaraun opened his mouth to speak, but didn't get a chance to say anything.

"That is some pink dress," Pigeon Poop Boy yelled as they ran by again.

It was a very pink dress. And covered in big poufy pink marabou feathers. Quaraun loved pink. Pink was the only color he would wear. Every one of his dresses was bright bubblegum pink with magenta hearts embroidered and beaded onto it. Unicorn couldn't tell one dress from another.

FarDarrig, seeing that Quaraun had calmed down, toddled back over to the Elf's table.



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“Where do ye keep gittin' thems ,eh?” FarDarrig asked. 

He had never seen anything like them anywhere either. Of course his preference was for blood oiled leather, not pink silk. 

"I'm a tailor in addition to being a wizard. I make them. And I did just say that. FarDarrig it's still morning. Are you already drunk?"

"Ah. Where do ye finds dah time , an between primpin' yous hair un' looking for trouble ,eh? "

Unicorn looked back and forth from the albino Elf with the bum length hair, wearing way too much garish make-up, and head to toe sparkling like a pink disco ball, sitting to his right, and the tiny four foot eight inch tall thousand year old undead Leprechaun in his leather trench coat, frock coat, waist coat, knee breeches and tall pointy hat all dyed a deep brownish red from blood, sitting to his left. Then he looked out at the two costumed Humans chasing teddy bears around the room.

"I feel positively normal today," Unicorn said. "All I be wearing is trapper furs."

Unicorn didn't look normal at all, but in his black furs and skins, he blended in better with the locals at least, even though the Phooka's waist length black hair didn't look like it had seen a brush in the last 700 years.

Unicorn picked his mug up off the table...

CRASH!

Their table shattered between them, as the Human wearing a blue unitard with grey feathers glued all over it, landed in their plates.

"Sorry, ma'am," Pigeon Poop Boy said hastily to Quaraun, as he scrambled back to his feet and ran back to help his friend battle the renegade teddy bear.

"Good thing I picked up me mug and good thing ya already drank ya poison." 

FarDarrig stared down at the shattered bottles on the floor, He had just put them back on the table.

"There is food on me," Quaraun said, his temper only thinly veiled.

"Oooooh! They got food on ya new dress," Unicorn sat still holding his mug, but looking somewhat horrified at the fact that Quaraun was about to lose his temper. 

"There is food in my hair," Quaraun sputtered.

"Aye."

"There is food on my pink Thullid silk."

"Aye."

"Who did that?"

"It were the teddy bear," Unicorn said.

Quaraun glared angry daggers at the teddy bear.

Unicorn repeated his question. "Ya want to help them now?" 

"Yes. I do."

Quaraun stood up, pulled out his wand, and aimed it at the teddy bear. 

"You got food on my dress, you frigging bastard! DIE!"

A blinding burst of blue light filled the room, followed by a loud POUF as the teddy bear exploded into a pile of fur and fluff.

Every Human in the room was once again pressed back against the farthest walls they could get to, all staring in terror at the angry wizard.

"We need a new a table and new meals," the albino transvestite Necromancer said the a barmaid as he strode over to the remains of the teddy bear.

"Holy guacamole, BatDude, that pink whore is a wizard!" Exclaimed the lad in the grey feathered, blue unitard.

Quaraun looked up at the daringly dressed duo. 

"I'm a Necromancer, and you two owe me and my companions dinner."

"Necromancer?" Said BatDude. "But you're wearing pink?"

"And you're wearing patent leather bat wings," retorted the whiter then white Moon Elf.

"You're a man, aren't you," BatDude asked the transvestite.

"I'm an Elf."

"But you're male?"

"Of course I am."

"Holy bull shit, BatDude, that dude's a dude!"

"I should feed you to my Unicorn," Quaraun snarled to Pigeon Poop Boy.

"Aren't Necromancers supposed to wear black and be all spooky, lurking in shadows and such?" asked BatDude. "...like your friend there, he looks like a necromancer, you look like a prostitute."

"He's a Lich. And you look like an S&M dominatrix. All you need is a whip."

"Well that's better then looking like a prostitute, isn't it?"

Quaraun sighed, rolled his eyes and stomped back over to the new table where Unicorn and FarDarrig were sitting waiting for him.

"Ya know," stated Unicorn as Quaraun sat down beside him. "If ya don't want people mistaking ya for a woman, ya shouldn't wear those pretty frilly, feathery pink dresses and all that tormy-loin jewelry...

"Tourmaline."

"...and makeup and earrings and nose rings and finger rings and go around batting those long fake feather eyelashes and sit around brushing yar sexy silky, silver hair for 3 hours every morning so it looks all slinky and shiny like that...and damn it, now I want to fucks ya again."

Quaraun glanced down at Unicorn's bulging cock. "You know, I have never meet anyone who gets as horny as you do, as often as you do."

"No, all I has to do is looks at ya, that's all it takes. I can'na think of anything more seductive then a man who looks like woman..."

"I'm an Elf."

"...who looks like a prostitute just waiting to get his tight little pearly white ass fucked twenty times a day."

"Don't you dare try to fuck me 20 times in one day. You'll kill me!"

"Pretty little man-Elf-woman-whore like ya, ya're already girly looking without even trying. Then ya go out of yar way to make yarself look like a slut, with thems tasty banana and kiwis swinging down there between yar creamy white legs. Ya's a lovely fruit salad."

"You have a fruit cake for a brain."

"And I is with ya all day long, so yeah, of course I freaking horny all day long. Why would I not be, I mean look at ya, yar sexy as a shepherd's pie. I want to eat ya.  I could just eat ya up right now. FarDarrig order me a shepherd's pie before I bite Quaraun and drain every last drop of blood out of his sexy little carcass."

"I think I should be scared of you," Quaraun said dryly.

The Elf Eater nodded. 

"Oh, ya should. Ya should. Ya is tasty. Ya should be absolutely terrified of me, what with all the things I can think of to do to ya. For instance, ya want to know what I'm thinking right now?"

"Not especially."

“I kin tells ye what he’s tinkin',” replied the mind reading vampire Leprechaun wearing a leather trenchcoat soaked in fresh blood.

"Please don't," said Quaraun.

FarDarrig ignored him and kept on talking: “He 'twould just love to tie ye down to dah table right here, right nows an' fuck ye an front of every body ovah an' ovah an' ovah again. Dat yon dair do be what he be tinkin' about ye right nows.” 

Quaraun glared at Unicorn. "Yeah, don't try that."

"Hey! I dids no say it, him did!" Phooka pointed at the short old man.

"No! But you’re the one thinking it, that’s how come he said it. You are NOT going to fuck me on a table in a tavern, in front of everybody!"

"Oh, no, I will na, not while ya still got that wand in yar hand, at least. Do'na want to look like that deady Freddy teddy bear over there. Though the things I can think of to do with that wand..."

"Ach gawd," complained FarDarrig. "Will ye quit tinkin'! Turn yer brain off or somethin'. Ye poor Álfr. The things he’s ah gonna do to ye if he evir gets ye unconscious.” 

"You mean with the wand? Yeah, he's already done that. A few times. I've kind of gotten used to waking up and not knowing what the hell he's done to me and wondering why my wand is shoved up my dick."

Unicorn was grinning and nodding. 

"Penis torture is wonderful and him loves it as much as I love doing it tos him."

"I pity you FarDarrig," Quaraun continued. "Having to see every thought that goes through his perverted head."

“Well, bad as he be, Quaraun . Yon stuff going on an Unicorn’s heid, it ’s nae half as wicked bad as some of dah thoughts dat yon dair go through yer head,” FarDarrig replied. “AH dinnae ’t knows hows AH bide with dah twa of ye, with out be'an tree sheets to dah wind 24 hours ah day. it ’s nay believable dah things dah two of ye tink aboots. Especially what yous be tinkin' about eetch uddah. AH ’ll tells ye ane thingy Gwallmaic, dinnae ’t ye go believing heem when he says ‘Nay ’ to ye. Yon Álfr ’s jeets as much of ah pervert as ye be. He be wanting ye to tie heem down to dah table an' fuck him right at dis point an time .”

Unicorn burst out laughing. "Oh, I know that! I did has been with him long enough to know what he wants."

Quaraun glared at FarDarrig and was about to say something, but was interrupted when BatDude and Pigeon Poop Boy both sat down at their table.

"I'm sorry," growled Quaraun. "Did I invited you to sit down?"

"No," answered BatDude. "But you did mention we owed you dinner and that's sort of the same thing."

"Ooooh, look, he wants to buy us dinner. How romantic," Unicorn crooned as he leaned over close to Quaraun and began rubbing his arm. "Ya think this table's big enough for them to bring out all the plates for all of us while I fuck ya on it at the same time?"

He reached under the table slipped his hand inside Quaraun's pink silk robes and began fondling the Elf's already erect cock.

"Is he..." BatDude started the ask Quaraun, while staring at the black eyed Faerie.

"Yes. He is. Ignore him," answered Quaraun.

"Are you ignoring him?"

"With great difficulty."

"Like hell yar are," FarDarrig said to Quaraun, then turned to BatDude. "Whatever ya what to say to him, say it fast. They is about 10 second from stripping each other naked, right here in front of every body."






How I Came To Write The Jiggler & The G-String Teddy Bears

The Jiggler & The G-String Teddy Bears

Joined once again by FarDarrig, Quaraun and Unicorn stop at a Human village to rest for the night, and find they can't get to the end of their meal without interruption. Three attempts to order dinner later, they are again interrupted, this time by a portal opening up and tossing a pair of caped crusader actors from a 1960s TV show and a very real pole dancing super villain, into their plates.

Before they get a chance to find out who the costumed super heroes are, armies of  murderous animatronic teddy bears start dropping from the sky spreading chaos throughout the village.

Seeing that they've somehow been zapped to the 1400s and landed in the plate of an angry Pink Necromancer, BatDude and Pigeon Poop Boy, quickly explain that a book critic has lashed out at a former super villain, turned pole dancing author, and in retaliation the super villain author has sent an army of teddy bears to kill all book review bloggers. The caped crusaders enlist in Quaraun's help to defeat the Jiggler before his teddy bears destroy the world.

Unfortunately (for the daring duo and book bloggers everywhere) Quaraun finds himself sexually attracted to the green haired, g-string wearing porn star and switches sides. With the teddy bears now joined by Quaraun's undead army of pink turkeys, Quebec is completely turned into utter chaos.

Jealous, Unicorn helps the masked crusaders get rid of the Jiggler, just so he can have Quaraun to himself again. To do so, the candy making Lich decides to fight fire with fire and turns himself into a pink flamingo then creates his own army of penis saluting, greatfully dead dancing rainbow gummy bears.


Chapter 1: BatDude & Pigeon Poop Boy



Teddy Bears On Parade



A Bowl of Fruit Salad



Flamingos, Tea, and Crumpets


Things You May Not Have Known About
The Jiggler & The G-String Teddy Bears


As crazy as it may sound, this novel was actually based off a true story.

Once upon a time there was an author who wrote a detective murder mystery, which featured the main character as a teddy bear. Someone committed the sin of giving his novel a glowing 4-star review.

In a week long massive melt down that made self publishing history, the author created dozens of accounts, each one being a different teddy bear from his novel, and lashed out with his army of teddy bears at the book critic, for only giving him a measly little 4 star review instead of granting him the 5 star review he deserved.

I wrote this novel based entirely off his wild, deranged comments in the review, which you can read for yourself here.










This novel was originally written on: 2013

This page last updated on: March 30, 2017

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Don't forget to check out Flamboyant Nipples.

You know you want to click it.

Gay Haters Attack AGAIN!
This Time with 
FLAMBOYANT NIPPLES!

You're probably asking: What the hell are Flamboyant Nipples?

It's a new website that was created April 1, 2017. Which on the surface appears to be a joke and appears to be funny. But a closer look reveals it to be a hate site, hating on gays and supporting KKK terrorist acts. Specifically - it's a propaganda site made in support of the Ku Klux Klan's anti-gay terrorist attacks that have been happening in Old Orchard Beach, Maine. Meaning it was made by somebody local and probably the person doing the hate crimes.

On the surface, Flamboyant Nipples website seems funny, if you don't know the murders, house bombs, death threats, animal abuse, vandalism, hate crimes, and domestic terrorist attacks they are referring to.

To any one outside of Maine it may look like harmless fun, but any one here in Old Orchard Beach who is Gypsy, Jewish, Muslim, Black, LGBTQA, or Native American, will tell you there's nothing funny about having a gun to your head. There's nothing funny about house bombs. 

Did you know there have been 5 additional house bombs, that I have never mentioned? One blew up an apartment building and killed 6 people. I only talk about the one that blew up my house and the one that blew up my doctor's office.  My Muslim doctor would tell you how not funny the Flamboyant Nipples website it, if he hadn't died in the bomb and was able to tell you.

Have I ever told you about the bomb at WalMart November 2015, put in MY department where I worked? Or the bomb in 2013, put in MY classroom at Southern Maine Community College 2013, a few weeks before I was beaten up and paralyzed?

Start interviewing the families of Old Orchard Beach.

Come here to our town and actually talk to the gay men who've been stripped naked by the Ku Klux Klan and hung by their balls from the tops of flagpoles. They'll tell you how not funny the Flamboyant Nipples website is.

Did you even actually READ the Quaraun books before you wrote Flamboyant Nipples? Do you even know what the hate crimes are you are supporting? Specifically BoomFuzzy, the one that features a horrific scene where Quaraun is attacked by gay haters from his town, stripped naked, tied to a horse, dragged through the streets, beaten, then hung by hi balls from a tree and left to bleed to death, hanging in the tree for 5 days.

Did you know THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED to a man right here in our town?

The Ku Klux Klan stripped him naked, tied him to the back bumper of a car, dragged through the streets from Old Orchard Beach to Biddeford Maine - a 14 mile drive, beat him, then hung him by his balls from the giant flag pole at Rotary Park and left to bleed to death, hanging in the tree for 5 days. They did it in the dead of winter when the park was closed to the public, so it was 5 days before any one found him. He almost froze to death and suffered brain damage from hang upside down so long, the blood putting too much pressure on his brain.

You want to know how old he was?

The gay man who was dragged naked through the streets, his feet tied to the back bumper of a car?

15 years old.

He was a fifteen year old boy.

A CHILD! Grown men did that to him. Men in their 30s, 40s, and 50s ganged up on a 15 year old boy and tortured him almost to death... because they SUSPECTED that he MIGHT be gay because he was wearing a pink suit to go to the prom. 

They didn't have any proof he was gay. They just thought maybe he MIGHT be, because he was wearing pink.

A CHILD!

They did that to a child!

That's what kind of monsters we have running the businesses of Old Orchard Beach!

Men who drag children 14 miles, naked, tied to the back of their car... for 14 damned miles!

And no one did one damned thing to stop them.

People in the town stood around and cheered them on as they tortured a 15 year old boy, because of the colour of his clothes.

Do you think that kind of torture is something FUNNY? Something to laugh at and make fun of?

And it happened more then once, to multiple men. Rotary Park had to take their flag pole down to try to prevent it happening again. Biggest flagpole in the state of Maine, used to be a tourist attraction, gone because of the horrific hate crimes against gay men in our town.

I include references to that event in EVERY single Quaraun novel to bring awareness to the horrific things gay haters do to gay men.

EVERY ONE of the violent acts against Quaraun in the novels is based off of a REAL LIFE event here in our town. EVERY ONE OF THEM.

It's why I keep saying the Quaraun series is NOT Erotica. It's not meant to be Erotic, it's meant to bring awareness to what type of hate crimes gay men around here have to put up with. The scenes in the Quaraun books are NOT meant to be taken as sexual fantasies, they are meant to show how horrific gay men around here are treated by their/our community.

The hate crimes against gay men, especially transgender men are horrific in this area and it needs to stop. The gay community around here is too scared to fight back, but I'm not, if no one else is going to do anything to protect them, I will, and THAT is why I write the Quaraun series.

The Quaraun series is about a gay man, a transvestite, who's life is absolutely destroyed by gay haters, after they tortured him and drove his lover to suicide. He becomes a wizard to resurrect his lover. The series follows them as they live on the run, going from one town to the next looking for someplace that will accept gay men. THAT is what the series is about. How everywhere they go, they get attacked and beaten and publicly humiliated because they dare to love each other.

Quaraun is based off actual real live transvestites, transsexuals, and gay men who live here in Maine and were interviewed by me, specifically with the goal of portraying their lifestyle and the hate crimes they live with as ACCURATELY as possible.

The original idea came from the suicide of my grandmother's best friend; a transvestite who owned the dollar store in the Saco Shaw's parking lot back in the 1980s. He was the first transvestite I ever knew, he was a close friend of the family for years, and one day he was gone. He commit suicide because he couldn't take the horrific gay hatred that was thrown in his face every day. He left behind a lover that went mad with grief and then shot himself.

THAT is where I got the idea for the Quaraun series. From the REAL LIFE suicide of a REAL transvestite who a friend of mine.

Start asking about the 500 cats and dogs that vanished from our town between 2014 and 2017 - 140 families have had their pets returned cut up in pieces. They'll tell you how not funny the Flamboyant Nipples website is.

You think it's just me these things are happening too? Open your damned eyes.

These things started happening to me in 2001. I started writing the Quaraun series in 1997, but locals didn't know about it, until 2001. The hate crimes against my family, started WHEN this town found out I was writing the Quaraun books. Gay hatred in this town is SO BAD, that they are willing to attack, beat up, cripple, a straight woman, bomb her house, kill her cats, fill her motorhome with feces... because she was the ONLY person in this damned town willing to speak out against the anti-gay hate crimes of Old Orchard Beach.

I'm not the FIRST one they did these things too... I'm just the first straight female they did them too, that's all.

I'm just the only one with enough balls to speak out against the Ku Klux Klan. That doesn't mean I'm the only one they've terrorized. It just means I'm fed up with living in terror and am saying enough is enough. I'm taking my life back and they aren't gonna push me around any more. And I'm gonna help the gay men of this town get their lives back too.

The gay haters of this town tried to kill me on November 14, 2013 because I wrote a book featuring a gay main character. I almost died and now I'm crippled for rest of my life.

Six months after the Quaraun books went from free to read online, to their first mass produced, mass market release (September 2, 2014), the gay haters of this town filled my motothome with feces and cut my cats heads off (April 10, 2015).

I am fed up with the viscous, violent, acts of terrorism that no one around here blinks an eye at, because it happens so often, multiple times a day, every single damned day to so many people!

Too many people in this town turn a blind eye to what is going on.

Too many people in this town are saying "I don't want to get involved, they'll come after me too, I have my own family to think about".

This has to end.

This level of terrorism is beyond insanity and some one needs to put and end to it.

I'm founder of the Proctor and Gamble Boycott, I shut down those animal test labs, it took me 27 damned years to do it, but I did it, and if I can do THAT, then I know I can shut down the gay hatred of this town too.

What is happening here is NOT RIGHT and NEED TO STOP!

And sites like Flamboyant Nipples, who take these hate crimes, and make fun of them, make it look like it's funny to torture gay men, are deplorable and disgusting!

The gay haters of this town like to run around bragging that Old Orchard Beach is a family friendly town, added to that phrase, that it is "family friendly because it doesn't allow gays"... 

Old Orchard Beach is NOT a family friendly town until it is family friendly for ALL families even gay ones!

I challenge the motels, hotels, and business of Old Orchard Beach, to start putting up rainbow flags... EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM....

EVERY business.... no matter how small, no matter how far off a main road onto a side street you are...

Put up a rainbow flag on your business sign. Let the world know you support gay rights and welcome the gay community in Old Orchard Beach.

Because I'm going around this town and making a list of every single business in this town that is NOT gay friendly and I'm putting them on the Proctor & Gamble Boycott website, to notify all 30 million members of my P&G protest team, which businesses in Old Orchard Beach they need to start protesting.

Prove to the world, you're not a gay-hater.

Because the whole WORLD is about to start protesting this town.

These hate crimes need to stop. NO ONE should be forced to live in terror! The gay members of this community deserved to live here with open arms. Their families are families too!

I say let's make this town family friendly for ALL families! 

SAY NO THE THE GAY HATERS OF OLD ORCHARD BEACH!

Those gay haters rely on the tourist income to survive: BOYCOTT every business in this town that REFUSES to hang a rainbow flag on their business signs. DO NOT give your hard earned money to the gay hating business owners of Old Orchard Beach!

SAY NO TO THE HATE CRIMES!

They want to call this town family friendly... well let's MAKE it family friendly then... for ALL families!

Not just the white ones!

Not just the straight ones!

Not just the Christians!

Make it family friendly for EVERY family!

Old Orchard Beach Residents Better Start Praying My Next Sign Doesn't Have a Pink Penis Painted On It, Because I'm Getting Sick And Tired Of Them Harassing Me,

And If It Takes A Ten Foot Painting Of A Penis Standing In The End Of My Driveway To Get Them To Leave Me Alone...

Then That's Gonna Be The Next Sign I'll Put Up.


Flamboyant Nipples: 
Ku Klux Klan Crosses, House Bombs,
& Book Burnings:

An Author's Guide To Writing 
The Christian Worldview:


Flamboyant Nipples:
A Lesson In How To Offend Your Readers
As Much As Possible


Scenes from the novels, mentioned in the above video, can be read free online. 

The scene she was offended by in Night of the Screaming Unicorn can be read HERE.

The scene containing the page of Fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck, fucks, can be read HERE.

If you don't know what the genres Yaoi or Pink Humor are, you can find out HERE.

P.s> Inspired by the gay hatred of
Flamboyant Nipples; 
I'm Painting A New Sign for my driveway
... It's a Picture of Black Tower...
Enjoy!

Meet The Flamboyant Nipples
and Their Fabulous Pink Penis...
Coming Soon To A Driveway Near You:


Bullies should never force you to  suffer in silence. If someone has hurt you, let others know.

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Hugs and kisses to my wonderful fans. Love you all! Talk to you again soon.  

If it ain't on this list, it's probably fake.

~EK 


Throughout 2013 - 2015 a slew of FAKE "EelKat" accounts surfaced, both on social networks and on forums, most were created by a woman calling herself Kendra Silvermander, or her backhoe driving cousin who drove a backhoe over my house, the same woman and her family who cut the heads off my cats, are the same people who hacked my online accounts, created a slew of fake accounts and pretended to be me, after they beat me up on November 14, 2013, leaving me paralyzed for 5 months, relearning to walk for 18 months, and clueless to their impersonation of my online due to my life threatening crippled state that had me offline from November 2013 to March 2016.

Who they are and why they are doing this remains unknown. If you know the identity of these people, please contact the FBI in charge of the investigation into their murder attempts on my life:

Agent Andy Drewer

of the Portland FBI

@ 207-774-9322 

NOTE: I was very active on forums from 1997 to 2007 and have RARELY used a forum since then. Other then the Warriors Forum and Absolute Write I have not posted on ANY forums AT ALL since 2012.

Note: My old inactive forum accounts were hacked and "resurrected" in 2013/2014/2015 by a psychotic NaNoWriMo ML who is upset over my having won a total of 27 writing contests/challenges and published 130+ novels since 2004 and and apparently (according to her emails) she has yet to win or publish anything.

If you see "me" posting on a forum at any point after 2012, know that it is likely this mysterious, and still yet unidentified "Kendra Silvermander".

More information about Kendra Silvermander and what she did can be found here.

Let's think about something here...

I'm just a harmless old lady who likes to dress like and Elf and paint everything pink and write stories about Elves having sex with Unicorns. For THAT, the residents of Old Orchard Beach, call me crazy, build a bomb, blow up my house, stand in my drive way and shoot at me, kidnap my cats, cut my cats' heads off, nail my cats' heads to my door, beat my 28 year old Shetland pony's head in, drive a back hoe over my house 3 times, filled my motorhome with feces 3 feet deep, I was paralyzed for 5 months because they trespassed up in here and beat me up, 3 years later I finally recover and start walking again and they beat me up again this time with a shopping cart rupturing 3 discs in my spine while screaming "kill or be killed remember Saco Shaw's!" and they cut my car in half. I'm sorry, WHO exactly is the crazy person here? 

Yes, I wear pink ball gowns every day.

Yes I wear fake pointy ears and long white Rapunzel wigs.

Yes, I paint my cars, my motorhome, and my mailbox pink.

Yes, I write about Elves having sex with Unicorns.

So the fucking hell what?

I haven't set foot off my land in 40 years. The only time I have contact with people is when THEY trespass on my yard and invade my privacy. And you know what? I've always welcomed them with happy smiles and open arms, made them meals and served them tea, and spent the day happily chatting with any one and every one who wanted to visit me. I love it when you people stop by to visit me as it's the only time I have any one to talk to other then my cats... oh wait... I don't have ANYONE to talk to any more, now that sociopath freaks murdered them and nailed their heads to my door!

You call me crazy because I wear pink dresses, yet THESE THREE PEOPLE are the ones who built a bomb and blew up my house!

You call me crazy because I wear pink dresses, yet THESE THREE PEOPLE are the violent trespassers who stands in my drive way and shoot at me.

You call me crazy because I wear pink dresses, yet THESE THREE PEOPLE are the ones who kidnap my cats, cut my cats' heads off, nail my cats' heads to my door, beat my 28 year old Shetland pony's head in, drive a back hoe over my house 3 times, filled my motorhome with feces 3 feet deep, and cut my car in half.

I mean REALLY stand back and look around.

All I'm doing is wearing strange cloths. I'm not the violent animal abusing, bomb building, psychopath beating up elderly women... THEY are.

There's a hell of a big difference between a half blind elderly woman dressing up as comic book characters and not bothering one damned person, and violent psychopathic criminal creeps beating her up, bombing her house, driving a back hoe over 3 more of her houses, cutting her car in half, filling her motorhome with feces, murdering her horse, and slaughtering her cats!

On November 14, 2013 I was beaten up at Southern Maine Community College, paralyzed for 5 months, was relearning to walk and relearning to use my hand for 18 months. I was offline that entire time. I returned online March 2016, to find that a hacker had taken over nearly all of my online accounts, social network accounts, forum accounts, and even here, and had been posting online pretending to be me. 

Know that between November 14, 2013 and March 31, 2016, that I was NOT ONLINE and all posts made between those dates were not made by me.

On July 28, 2016 the same group of people who beat me on November 14, 2013, arrived at my workplace and beat me up again, this time with a shopping cart while screaming "kill or be killed, remember Saco Shaw's all transsexuals are alike". 

I was once again paralyzed, this time for 3 months, and this time suffering 3 ruptured discs in my spine.

Old Orchard Beach has a crazy person in it all right, but isn't me... and the residents of this town need to get off their asses and tell the FBI who this white haired man and his blond wife and red haired sister-in-law are BEFORE THEY KILL ME! The red haired woman calls herself Kendra Silvermander.

The white haired man drives a 4-door-white pick-up truck. The blond women drives a gold volvo suv and is often accompanied by a red haired woman who identifies herself as "Kendra Silvermander".

The red-haired woman wears lime green glasses and usually carries a tiny white poodle that she called "my dragon child", the poodle is sometimes dyed purple and sometimes wearing a purple dragon costume. This woman acts EXTREMELY child-like and appears to have a serious mental handicap. She often brags "I'm off my meds" while attacking me. She is EXTREMELY violent.

The 4-door white truck is some times driven by a bald man. I don't know if this is the same man as the white haired man or not. I think the white haired man and the bald man are both the same person and not 2 separate people. The white hair looks VERY fake, like a cheap Halloween wig. I've never seen his face (I'm legally blind in one eye and nearly so in the other). He appears to be a younger man in his 30's trying to disguise himself to look like an older man in his 60s. I am 5'6" and he is quite a bit bigger then me. Possibly over 6 feet. Very broad shouldered (like a football player).

The 2 women look much older. The blond woman is quite "weather beaten", bad completion, like someone who spends too much time in the sun for too many years. She appears to be in her 60s, possibly younger with premature wrinkles? Her stick straight (possibly salon straightened) shoulder leanth hair is a dirty blond, that she sometimes has dyes with very fake platinum blond stripes. (Her hair was striped like this the day she attacked with the shopping cart.)

The 2 women make a habit of following me to work. (I am a retail merchandiser and drive upto 100+ miles a day covering multiple stores). They have attacked me with shopping carts at:

Saco Shaw's

Biddeford WalMart

Scarborough Walmart (multiple times)

Sanford WalMart.

Kendra alone without the blond woman or the man, has beaten me up, punching me in the head, hitting me in the face, while I was eating at the Panera Restaurant in Westbrook.

They have a few times been accompanied by a third woman, calling herself "Deana". A small chubby woman in her 20's with sandy brown hair. She calls herself "The NaNoWriMo ML of Saco". She once had her husband with her. He is a blind man, walks with a white cane. She shows up at restaurants and libraries while I'm eating, working, or studying. She always comes in and says "Kendra sent me"

The red-haired woman calling herself "Kendra Silvermander" has beaten me up 3 times now at the Westbrook Panera restaurant - in October and November 2010. 

It was the man who beat me up in 2013 and his 2 women who beat me up in 2016. (The Deana woman has never been violent and doesn't appear to be involved in the attacks, appears to be just "a messenger". The last time I saw Deana, she said she would be no longer working for Kendra as she was expecting a baby and wanted to focus on her family. That was at the Golden Rooster Restaurant in Saco, in November 2009.)

These people attack viciously and violently EVERY single April/May and October/November of every year since 2001, during the two National Novel writing Month writing contests which Kendra Silvermander claims to be the head of (I know she is not, because Chris Baty and Heather Dudley, of San Francisco, California are the owners and heads of NaNoWriMo.) Kendra Silvermander also claims her father owns FunTown Amusement Park in Saco (I checked, and the owners of FunTown have never heard of her). Kendra also claims her aunt owns the little blue breakfast cafe beside Landre's Market at the corner of Cascade Road and Portland Ave in Old Orchard Beach. I checked - the owner is not related to anyone named Kendra, but does report having a niece named Deana.

This mysterious red head, appears to be the ring leader. Calls the white haired man her cousin and the blond woman her sister. The blond woman claims to be the white haired man's wife.

The white haired man refers to himself as "The Royal Family of Old Orchard Beach" and claims to have paid $6million for his house, claims to have "inherited millions" from his father, which he says gives him the right to run the town and give orders to the town hall. On July 15, 2015 he arrived in my driveway driving a giant landmover sized construction dump truck, green with a red apple painted on the side - the same red apple painted on the side of the backhoe that ran over my house August 8, 2013, bragging that the town hall took my cats on his orders. The dump truck was filled with black trash bags of garbage and appliances which he was attempting to dump in my yard... while he was there, because he was there, I parked my motorhome across the end of my driveway to keep him out, and he went into an infuriated meltdown, yelling that he keeps a gun for "shooting woodchucks" in his truck and would use it to "blow your brains out" if I refused to move the motorhome to let him into my yard with the haul of garbage he was trying to dump.

He drove up the logging road across the street from me, then came back out minutes later driving a 4-door white pick-up truck, screaming out the window that he was going to the town hall to order them to remove my motorhome so he could access my driveway to dump his garbage. THIS man... does not appear to be the same white haired man who beat me up. His hair is far more grey, natural looking, and he's a little guy, not much bigger then me, very skinny, probably only 5'9" or so. He appears however, to be the man, the bald haired man (who USUALLY drives the 4 door white truck) is trying to look like.

I've only seen the little, skinny older man twice: that day July 2015, and again September 12, 2015 when he returned with police officers DeLuca, Ladecaca, and Regan, and tried to make them remove my motorhome, claiming that it was "too gay for the family friendly town of Old Orchard Beach". The police just laughed at him and told him there was no laws against painting a motorhome pink, to which he responded to say, that he'd force the town hall to make a law banning gays and their cars from living in Old orchard Beach.

He claimed to work at the Old Orchard Beach Town Hall, calling himself the "zoning board of appeals" but when I asked at the Town Hall, they knew nothing of him and have no such thing as a "zoning board of appeals". He claims to own a motel and brags that it does not allow gays or non-whites inside, boasting that he and someone named "Dan Feeny" are passing laws to ban gays from Old Orchard Beach. There is someone named Dan Feeny at the town hall be he denied knowing anything of being part of making such laws.

The LITTLE skinny, and ACTUALLY old white-haired man, does not appear to be aware that the younger bald man is dressing up like him and using his trucks to attack me.

It appears the blond woman may ACTUALLY be the younger bald man's  mother, not his wife as she claims.

The police reports of September 12, 2015 identified the LITTLE white haired old man from that day. However, I don't think he is the man who normally drives the 4-door white truck that keeps attacking. He's not much bigger then I am, and he looks very old, his hair is grey white, not snow white; and the man who attacks is MUCH bigger then me, both taller and more muscled, (definitely someone who works out and lifts weights) looks to be in his 30s, and is wearing a very bad, cheap Halloween wig to try to look like the little old man.

The identity of the bald man who wears a white wig and pretends to be the old man named on the September 12, 2015 police report, remains a mystery. Whoever this younger man is, he has access to the keys of the trucks which are owned by the older man.

The FBI is looking for the DRIVER of the trucks, not the OWNER. The owner is known. The DRIVER however, is a DIFFERENT man then the OWNER.

The police have also identified the older man as being the OWNER of the backhoe that drove over my house, however, he denies having driven it that day and claims it was stolen. Again, the FBI is seeking the DRIVER of the backhoe, not the OWNER.

The bald man is very clearly impersonating the old man, and appears to be taking orders from the blond woman, who in turn appears to be taking orders from the red-haired woman. The red haired woman appears to be the instigator and ring leader of ALL of the vandalism, violence, and hate crimes and also appears to be the source of the false accusations and rumors being spread around town calling me "gay" and "transsesxual".

When the 3 are seen together, the man backs down fast to the blond woman, as if scared of her, the way a boy os scared of an overbearing "mommy dearest". The blond woman and the red haired woman act to each other, like sisters or best friends, but the red head is very bossy to the blond one. The blond woman seems to have a very short, very violent temper and is easily worked into a frenzy by words of the red head woman.

When they attack me in the store, it is the blond woman who wields the shopping cart while the red head yells to her "There's EelKat! Go get her!"

They brag to being members of what they call "The Loyalist White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan"

Note that there is no group called "The Loyalist White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan" the ACTUAL group is called "The Loyal White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan" and is both a church (religious denomination) and a political party (like Democrats, Republicans, Whigs, Green Party, etc.). The REAL Ku Klux Klan has paid membership, rank, very specific robes, etc.

It appears that these people are NOT ACTUAL members of the Ku Klux Klan, but are rather simply calling themselves that and are doing hate crimes based off stereotypes of how the KKK is portrayed in movies (which is vastly different from how the actual organization acts.)

Also, I repeat: REAL KKK members wear very specific robes, stoles, capes, and hats... they DO NOT wear white pillow cases with holes cut in them. Also, contrary to urban myth, KKK robes come in all sorts of colours, including red, green, yellow, blue, etc. Only members of SPECIFIC RANKS wear white. 

It appears these people know absolutely nothing about the REAL organization called the Ku Klux Klan, are NOT affiliated with the ACTUAL KKK group, and are simply running around calling themselves KKK members to justify their hate crimes.

The identity of the bald man who wears a white wig and USUALLY drives a 4-door white pick up truck, remains a mystery.

The identity of the blond woman and the red haired woman, also remains a mystery. Both women are close to my height. The red head is slightly chubby.

Interesting to note, is there are THREE (3) different 4-door white trucks. This man has access to all three, yet is not the owner of any of them. The owners of the 3 trucks are at 139 Portland Ave, 140 Portland Ave, and 3 Whispering Pines Drive. The bald man who wears the wig, somehow has access to the keys to all 3 of these trucks, though the owners of all 3 trucks claim no knowledge of the bald man. The bald man himself, continues to insist he works for the Old Orchard Beach Town Hall, once claiming to "work in Jeff's office". I am uncertain to what he was referencing when he said "Jeff's office". There is a "Jeff" at the Town Hall, but he doesn't have an office. He's an old man who's been a close friend of my family since the 1950s. He doesn't know the bald man either.

The owners of 2 of the trucks (140 Portland Ave and 3 Whispering Pines) do in fact work at the Town Hall - one is a woman who I go to church with at the Saco Ward Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and the other is my dad's cousin, and is the owner of the local sewage company and has a few dozen sewage pumper trucks, a few dozen garbage disposal trucks, and a few hundred port-a-potties sitting in his yard. (Pointing that part out as on April 10, 2015 someone pumped my motothome full of feces 3 feet deep, and it is suspected to be the bald man who wears a white wig and has access to the keys to trucks owned by the sewage company. and throughout 2007 to 2014 someone kept dumping garbage truck loads of garbage on my land.)

Given the evidence, it appears the bald man who wears a white wig and drives 3 different 4-door-white trucks, is a construction work who is also an employee of Blow Brothers Waste Removal Company, giving him access to both the garbage trucks that dumped garbage on my land and the sewage pumper trucks that filled my motorhome with feces, as well as giving him access to the backhoe that drove over my house August 8, 2013. Whoever this bald man is, he is the one who beat me up and tried to kill me on November 14, 2013. He is suspected of being the one who cut my cats heads off as well. He is also suspected of being the person who built the bomb that blew up my first house October 18, 2006.

This man is wanted by the FBI for attempted murder, 19 years of stalking, more then 200 counts of hate crimes, monstrous acts of animal abuse, domestic terrorism, and is considered to be extremely dangerous, most likely suffering from mental illness, suspected of likely suffering from Sociopathy/ Psychopathy.(wiki link)

This man is classified as a highly dangerous domestic terrorist and apparently lives in either Old Orchard Beach or Scarborough, Maine...possibly in Pine Point (the over lapping community that connects Old Orchard Beach and Scarborough) as dozens of witnesses have seen his 4-door white truck drive in the area around The Clambake Restaurant and Conway's Gas Company, driving in and out of the parking lots of various motels on that block.

If you know who he is please call the FBI Agent in charge of the case, Agent Andy Drewer, IMMEDIATELY.

If you see his truck, back away fast, get off the road and away from sidewalks ... he uses his truck as a weapon to slam into cars of any one he suspects of being LGBTQA and to run non-whites and suspected gays off the sidewalks. He is known to drive up on to lawns to attempt to hit people in their own yards.

NOTE: You do not have to be ACTUALLY LGBTQA for him to attack - you only need to be suspected by him, of being LGBTQA. He also attacks Blacks, Jews, Muslims, Irish, Scottish, Gypsies, and any one "not Christian" (by not Christian, he means not Baptist, as he attacks Catholics as well.)

The two women are also wanted by the FBI for assisting this man in his crimes.

I don't know who this white-haired/bald man and his two women are. They are strangers to me. I don't know their names. And I don't know why they are doing this. 

The little older man, would also like to know who these 3 people are, as they are framing him for things he did not do, he being the man this bald man with the white wig is impersonating.

Some body in this town must know who these people are ... PLEASE... the FBI is trying to put a stop to these insane hate crimes... PLEASE if you know who these psychopathic monsters are, PLEASE tell Agent Andy Drewer before they kill me. They cut my car in half in 2010. They cut my cats in half in 2015. How long do you think it'll be before they cut ME in half too? PLEASE HELP ME!

➽ ➽ ➽ If you have any information regarding the identity of the stalker/attacker/driver of the 4-door white pick-up truck please contact Officer Tim DeLuca of the Old Orchard Beach Police Department @ 207-934-4911 and

Agent Andy Drewer

of the Portland FBI

@ 207-774-9322 

 ◀️ ◀️ ◀️ ☎️

Please help the police and FBI put this brutal, violent, psychotically deranged stalker family in prison.

If you can identify her by her voice... the red haired woman can be heard yelling at me in this video (she shows up at 3:31 - 3 minutes and 31 seconds into the video and yells for about 2 minutes before a man arrives and drags her away - a gun shot can be heard AS she is saying "Fuck The Camera Ya Transvestite Freak") :

That video was filmed December 24, 2016, in Saint Andrea's Parking Lot in Biddeford, between Sullivan Street and High Street. I was unable to find the woman to get her on camera, but she's yelled at me so many times over the past decade that I know her voice and it was the red haired woman who calls herself "Kendra Silvermander." From the direction of her voice, I believe she was yelling from the 2nd floor window of the beige house at 23 High Street.

In addition to the property damages and physical injuries caused by these three people, I also suffer from serious crippling agoraphobia(wiki link), severe panic attacks(wiki link), and post traumatic stress disorder (wiki link),as a result of their now 2 decades of cruel torment and terrorism.

Please help the police and FBI put this brutal, violent, psychotically deranged stalker family in prison.

Have Information?
Call FBI Agent Andy Drewer @ (207) 774-9322 





Need Directions?

Rather then ask the crazy gun-toting neighbours, and risk get shot by the psychotically deranged, white power gay haters that live up and down my street, patrolling obsessively by my driveway every 15 minutes in a 4 door white pick-up truck, just get directions from Google Maps. Here, you can find 146 Portland Avenue, Old Orchard Beach, ME right here:


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