The GingerBread House From Hell
"Did you know there is a new shop in town?" BeaLuna the Gnome asked Quaraun.
"Of course I don't," Quaraun muttered. "I rarely ever get into town. My father never let's me leave the palace, I might get infected with some non-Moon Elf friends and breath in some non-Moon Elf air. Or I might fall into bed with a non-Moon Elf and create some evil half-Elves. You know what my father is like."
"Well, if you want to skip out on your father and come to town with me, I'll show you it. It's a real humdinger of a place. It's a candy shop. The freaking building is made out of gingerbread."
"Gingerbread? It's made out of gingerbread?"
"Yep. It fell out of the sky one night....”
“Fell out of the sky?”
"Yep. Literally. Just dropped out of the sky one night."
"A magic gingerbread house?"
"I don't know."
"That's either Hags or Faeries or both. None of that's good."
"Nope, it's an old half-Elf..."
"A Half-Elf? Here? My father'll have him executed. Half Elves aren't allowed here."
“Yeah, well, your father's a bigot. Besides, weren't you just bitching about you're father?"
"He cut my hair."
"I can see that. That's why you should go meet the half-Elf. Piss your father off even more. That's what you like to do isn't it?" Besides, the guy lives in a damned gingerbread house. How often do you get to see that?"
"You mean real gingerbread, like a cake?"
"Yeah. Exactly like a cake."
"Who builds a shop out of cake?"
"A crazy old half-Elf apparently. He calls himself BoomFuzzy. Your father would love him. He's loony as hell. He's a half-Elf, so what do you expect? I don't know what the other half of him is. Crazy as a fricking loon. Well, what do you expect from a guy who lives in a freaking cake? The guy's a nut job fruitcake. You should hear him talk. He's got this crazy frigging accent. He's like from up North or something...”
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“North of here? What's North of the Deep North?”
"Santa Claus? The Lich?"
"Yeah. That's where he came from. This BoomFuzzy guy. He said he was Santa's chef. Built Santa's entire village out of gingerbread."
"Child eating Frost Liches. Great. That's worse then Hags and Faeries combined. It's undead Hags and Faeries that eat children and hide out at the North Pole."
“I see him out there every day, icing his roof or planting gumdrops in the flower pots. He's stark bonking mad. They guy's crazy as heck. You'll love him, he's as nutty as you are. He throws caution to the wind. Says to hell with standard Elven conventions. He's only been in town a few days. Your father is going to have a royal fit when he finds out a half-Elf have moved into the village. I don't know who's crazier, you or him. You'd love him. Come on, I'll take you out there. You'll love this guy, he's as nutty as you are."
Though Quaraun continued to argue with her, Bealuna was finally able to drag the Moon Elf out of his tower and into the village. A few minutes later Quaraun found himself on the other side of the village, on the outskirts of the Frozen Forest, standing in front of a house made of gingerbread. A front path made of chocolate pebbles and trees and bushes made of lollipops and cotton candy.
"It's not real," Quaraun said the BeaLuna.
“What do you mean it's not real?”
“It's not real.”
"No? Looks real. Tastes real too."
"Yeah, most everybody in the village has taken a bite out of his house. I did too."
"It's made out of gingerbread."
"No it's not."
"Yes it is."
"It's not it's... it's ghastly... it's horrible... it's made out of..."
"It's gingerbread. It's meant to be eaten. What else do you do with a gingerbread house?"
"Do you see a gingerbread house?"
"Yes, don't you?"
"I... no... It's not..."
Quaraun was very disturbed by what he saw verses what BeaLuna and the rest of the village saw. While the others saw a gingerbread house, Quaraun saw the ruined remains of an ancient castle, long ago destroyed, and built out of bones. Piles of crumbling grey stones, were littered around the edges. All around the house, where BeaLuna and the others saw trees dripping with lollipops, Quaraun saw monstrous dead oak trees, heavy laden with poison apricots, and dripping with blood. The trees were not trees, but Fae beasts with red eyes and sharp fangs. All around the ruins, grew dead roses and bramble vines, thick with thorns, also oozing blood.
The chocolate stones were the heads and skulls of hundreds of dead Elves, their eyes gouged out. Every bit of the house dripped in fresh blood. The bone structure was lashed together with entrails.
A purplish black miasma mist hovered like a dense fog all around the evil place. Quaraun knew immediately that the mist was toxic and had drugged the others. Powerful dark magic was controlling this strange place that had appeared at the edge of their village. He looked back into the village. The mist was wafting low along the streets, drifting into shops and houses. Everyone was infected.
"He's not a candy maker, he's Necromancer," Quaraun muttered under his breath as he reached out to touch one of the bloody apricots. "Apricots don't grow on oak trees... or bleed Elf blood."
Quaraun quickly withdrew his hand from the apricot. It was cold. Colder then cold. The icy void of death wafted from it.
"It's a Lich's frost."
BeaLuna was still yapping happily on about gingerbread and candy. Several young Elflings from the village were gathered around the gingerbread house, breaking pieces off of it and eating it. Quaraun felt sick. He could see the reality behind the illusion. He knew that what they were eaten, was not gingerbread, and he knew that powerful dark magic was entrancing the villagers.
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"Faeries," Quaraun whispered to himself.
"What?" BeaLuna asked.
"Here!" Quaraun pointed to the horrific bloody building, but all BeaLuna saw was gingerbread. Like the others, she too had already eaten a piece of the house and was caught up in the spell.
"It's an illusion. You're all drugged by Fae food."
"You're talking crazy again Quaraun.”
“Think about it. It's a gingerbread house. It's impossible. You can't build a real house out of gingerbread."
"Quaraun, I hate to disagree with you, but there it is. Big as life. A real live gingerbread house. Here, try some of it?"
"Why are you eating it?"
"When did it get here?"
"A few weeks ago. It just showed up one night. Kind of just fell out of the sky and landed here. Not long after you arrived actually. In fact, the next day I think."
"And you don't think that's strange? Houses don't fall out of the sky."
"We did at first, but I don't know. It kind of grows on you."
"But it's not real."
"No? Me house is no real, eh? Pray do tell just how me dwelling absolutely no is real," asked a heavily accented Scottish voice behind him. "How does one tell iffy house be real or even no, eh?"
"I'm a wizard," Quaraun said, not looking to see who had spoken. He was too busy staring at the house and trying to determine what type of Faeries could be causing such a strong spell that it had over taken everyone in the village. "I can see through illusions."
"No mony wizards be able to see that which can absolutely no be seen."
"I have the gift of Faerie Sight... that's not a real gingerbread house it's a Faerie glimm..."
"Yis be the Moon Elf's wizard, eh?"
"Yes," Quaraun continued staring at the house. "I'm the only wizard around here. Wizardry is illegal in these parts. If you're not a Guild member they'll hang you or behead you or both. Terribly regulated. My father's the younger brother of the king, it's the only reason they allow it with me. It's the only thing I'm good at."
"Ya like me house?"
"There is no house, it's nothing but..."
Quaraun turned to see a strange looking half-Elf standing incredibly uncomfortably close to him. Had the creature been a little taller, they would have hit noses. The incredible closeness with which the creature had come to him, without his realizing he was there, caught Quaraun off guard. No one was able to get close to him. He picked up on anyone entering his personal space, before they could get within several feet of him.
A feeling of dread ran through Quaraun, as he realized, only an extremely powerful wizard could have broken through his barrier undetected like this. Quaraun took several steps back. He stared at the little creature, trying to see through it's glimmer spell, but the magic around the creature was too strong, and Quaraun saw partly what the creature wanted him to see and partly what he really was.
What Quaraun saw looked like a pure white albino Moon Elf, with massive frizzy clouds of snow white afro dreadlocks, small thin black almond shaped eyes with no colour and no whites, several dozen rows of long pointy piranha-like fangs protruding over his lips, and fearsome razor sharp gleaming black eagle talons 4 inches long on the tip of every finger. He was dressed in a long chocolate brown velvet cassock with tiny red buttons resembling red hot candies, down the front, and white piped trim around the edges. He looked like a tiny snow monster wearing a gingerbread man costume.
"It's worse then Faeries, Hags, and Liches combine," Quaraun muttered to himself. "It's a Phooka."
"I be worse then Fae? What be?" BoomFuzzy asked.
"You're a trickster. I can sense it. I know you."
"If wishes were horses we'd'll ride unicorns."
"Ye wished for a horny horse."
"No I didn't."
"Aye, ya actually did. For ya is a DiJinn un right here I be."
“I did not wish for you.”
“Yis a Di'Jinn. Granting wishes be exactly what ya do.”
"When did I wish for you?"
"Not more then an hour ago. Ye wished for someone to seize yar wee little problem away."
"Did you make a wish, Quaraun?" BeaLuna asked.
"You're a Di'Jinn, you know better then to go around wishing for stuff. You make wishes happen, but with consequences."
Quaraun ignored the Gnome and addressed the candy making Necromancer.
"I didn't wish for you or that grisly pile of rotted flesh, muscles, and bones."
"Pile of bones. My, my. Exactly how is ya be seeing that?"
"The gingerbread house is not real. It's a pile f bones. A hut made of dead Elves. You're an Elf eating Phooka and I didn't wish for you."
"A wish once granted can'na be undoed," BoomFuzzy warned.
"I didn't wish for you."
"Quaraun, what did you wish for exactly?" BeaLuna asked.
"Among various other t'ings him did wish for ye to close shut ya wee lil trap."
"Does ya remember what exactly ye wished for, me wee little Elf?"
Quaraun, stood very silent. He couldn't remember what he had said.
"What ye precise exact words and phrases were? How ye worded ye wish, that ye now finds yeself granted with?"
Quaraun sighed and shook his head. He remembered what he'd wished for and he knew immediately who this was, but he didn't want to admit it.
"Ah, ya remembers, eh?"
"What?" BeaLuna looked back and forth between Quaraun and the grinning candy maker.
"The soldiers were saying this morning, the Elf Eater of Pepper Valley was seen in the area. I wished he would come here and eat my father and everyone who hurt me."
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"I wasn't thinking."
"You never are!" The Gnome yelled. "That's your problem, Quaraun. You don't think. You have a brain, you just refuse to use it."
"I don't have a brain. The JellyFish ate it."
"Quaraun you're nuts! There is no damned JellyFish living in your head!"
"I need to remember to stop making wishes. They keep coming true and I don't mean them too."
"And that brought a nut with a gingerbread house here?"
“It brought a horny horse with gingerbread house here. Him wish were longer more then what him did just done said.”
The candy maker picked the apricot Quaraun had touched. Blood poured from it's wounded branch. As he ate the fruit, blood gushed from it's broken flesh. But only Quaraun saw this. It repulsed him at first, but he'd already taken a bite of the drugged fruit and soon he forgot what he'd seen and ate the rest of it. BeaLuna and the other Elves only saw a fluffy tree heavy laden with pink cotton candy leaves and lollipop fruit.
"Candy?" BoomFuzzy handed Quaraun candy.
"Never take food from Faeries."
"Ya took me apricot."
“Are you a chef?”
“Aye. Food is like making love. Every one delights in intercourse.”
“I don't like sex.”
“Ha ha! Ya lie. Every one takes pleasure from two things: food and sex. We eat. We fuck. We sleep. We all over again the next day. It what we do. When I prepare me cuisine, I want to make people feel like they just had great love making session. Food 'n sex. Sex 'n food. It all that matter in life.”
Quaraun looked beyond the village to the valley around it. It was gone. The entire valley, the mountains, the green meadows, they were all gone, replaced by vast forests of mega tall pine trees towering hundreds of feet over the village, and stretching out around the valley or miles of every side.
"Ya can sees me Forest of No Return, I sees, eh? Lovely isn't it?" BoomFuzzy gestured towards the trees. "No one goes in un no one goes out."
"It's a Faerie Forest."
"It wasn't there yesterday."
"Aye. I takes it with me, wherevers I go."
"What?" BeaLuna looked out at the edge of the valley. It was still as it always was. She saw nothing different. "What are you looking at?"
"A vast herd of little black horses. Thousands of them. They've surrounded the entire valley. Evil black, flesh eating Faerie Horse with gleaming silver horns."
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"Phookas. We've been surrounded by King Gwallmaiic's Army. The Elf Eater's of Pepper Valley. They're here. They followed me. They followed me all the way from Persia. I saw them in the desert of the Di'Jinn too."
"You're always seeing unicorns Quaraun. They aren't real you know."
Quaraun turned back to BoomFuzzy.
"I didn't wish for you. You followed me here. A herd of evil black Fae horses invaded the Desert of the DiJinn, encircled the temple. That was you and your army. Now you've followed me here. Why?"
"Yis amazingly pretty, wish granting Di'Jinn," the creature said in Quaraun's jewelled ear, as he once again stepped too close for Quaraun's comfort. "Ya wished for the Moon Elves to be killed, ya father to be eaten, and me to be finishing what I started on ya, on the road back there, when we meet up a few days outside of the village. For me pretty lil' Elf, I be more then happy to grant ye all three thems wishes."
Quaraun at 5'6" was the shortest of the male Moon Elves, but the owner of the gingerbread house was several inches shorter then Quaraun, and had to stand on tip-toe to try to talk to Quaraun on an even level. And he did exactly that, but stepped right up onto Quaraun's feet, before doing so. The Faerie was dressed like a wizard, in dark brown chocolate coloured velvet robes, with a cockscomb hat of the same material perched on his head. At a first glance, BoomFuzzy looked like any other Moon Elf, with his pure white skin and hair that made him blend in with the snow. Until that is, one looked at his eyes.
Moon Elves all had pale icy blue eyes. BoomFuzzy's black eyes had no whites and no iris, and were like staring into two black bottomless pits. And his hair. Moon Elves all had stick straight, silken smooth, silvery white hair. But BoomFuzzy had a wild mess of unbrushed frizzy braids and dreadlocks that were stuck full of bones, feathers, beads, ribbons, and twigs.
There was also the issue of his piranha-like fangs, and the huge, fearsomely, sharp black eagle talons which tipped each finger. A Human, a Gnome, or a Dwarf might have mistaken him for an Elf, even other Elves might have passed him off as a half-Elf, but Quaraun was a wizard. A powerful wizard. And he could sense strong magic around this un-Elf. Faerie Glamour. There was no doubt in Quaraun's mind that this was a shape shifting Trickster Fae.
Quaraun pushed the creature off of him and backed away again.
The Phooka in Elf disguise handed Quaraun an apricot.
"I hate Faeries,' Quaraun whispered under his breath.
"Ya liked having one fuck ya."
"Faeries are nothing but trouble."
"Who suggested anything aboot the Faeries?" The tiny Elf-glimmoured Faerie asked.
"You are a Faerie."
Quaraun took the fruit without thinking and took a bite out of it.
"No one else is be t'inking so."
"No one else is Faerie sighted and able to see through Faerie glimmer spells."
Quaraun turned back to the house and tried to see what the others saw. When he finally saw it, he did have to admit he was intrigued by the gingerbread house. Illusion or not it was quite a spectacular feat to have built it.
"That is an amazing house."
"Yis a beautiful Elf."
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BoomFuzzy ran his fingers through Quaraun's hair, stopping to rest on the ear that was still healing from the rings having been torn from it.
"That must hae hurt."
"It did. It still does"
"A Phooka bit me."
"What a fucking shame."
"What do you do when it rains? A gingerbread house isn't gonna hold out water."
"A moment ago ya did no sees me wee gingerbread shoppie."
The Faerie moved closer to Quaraun again, this time running his fingers down the Elf's face.
“Most Elves like candy. Adore sweets. Ye fond of apricots.”
BoomFuzzy handed Quaraun another apricot.
"Does ya ever actually gets much rain up here in the Deep North?"
"Sometimes. Not very often. Snow will be a bigger problem. Snow is heavy, it'll collapse the roof."
"I t'ought ya saids me house was absolutely no real?"
"Sos does it not be reasonable to t'ink rain un snow will probably no bothers it, eh?"
"You talk strange."
"Does I? Apricot?"
The Faerie handed him a third apricot. Quaraun took that as well.
"You do. You talk very strange. What are you?"
"A moment ago ya saids I be a Faerie. Ya also spoke about Phookas and eating ye father. Ya Gnome claims I be a Elf. I is BoomFuzzy."
"You have claws."
BoomFuzzy looked down at his hands.
"Three apricots un ya still sees me claws? Yis a extremely powerful wizard."
"You're not from around here are you?"
"No, I comes from the East."
"BeaLuna said you came from the North. Santa's Village."
"Ah. Aye. I did. I were living there for a wee while with me cousin Krumpas."
"Krumpas is a Phooka."
"Aye. And Santa a Leprechaun, what died un come back as a Lich. But ya asked where I twere from. And I from the East. I grews up on the coast. With the ocean. And salt water taffy. Does ya like candy?" BoomFuzzy handed Quaraun a box of salt water taffy.
"I don't eat Faerie food." Quaraun put his hands behind his back and stepped away from the unElf.
"No? Another apricot then? Who says anything abouts Fae food?"
Quaraun took the fourth apricot.
"You're a Faerie. One must never take food from Faeries."
Quaraun took the fifth apricot and kept on talking.
“Faeries drug their food. It's how they get their spells to work. Fae are not as powerful magically as other beings are, so they use drugs to get into people's heads and make them see things that are not there. Faerie chefs are worst then most, especially candy makers. They make their candy out mushrooms and frogs and poppies.”
“I be an Elf.”
“You're a Faerie.”
"Ah, un how does the pretty one arrive at that conclusion?"
"I am Faerie Sighted," Quaraun said once again, feeling oddly dizzy and realizing the miasmic fog was having an effect on him.
"Are ya now?"
"Yes. Fae illusions don't work on me."
"What do ya sees when ya looks at me?"
"What do the others see?"
BoomFuzzy turned to BeaLuna. She was busying breaking off pieces of the gingerbread house and eating it.
"Gnome! Come here! Exactly what does ya see when ya looks at me?"
"What do you mean, what do I see?" BeaLuna was confused by the question.
"Do I looks like a Moon Elf to ya?"
BoomFuzzy turned back to Quaraun, bringing his face close to the Elf's and stroking his cheek while he spoke, his lips brushing against Quaraun's face.
"But I does no looks like a Moon Elf to ya?"
"No. You have claws, like an eagle's talons. And fangs. You're a Phooka. A powerful one. Faerie spells usually don't effect me. You're not just a Faerie. You're a sorcerer... and... something else. You're cold. Like a Lich."
BoomFuzzy held up his hand and looked at his fingers. BeaLuna questioned this action, for his short trimmed, well groomed finger nails looked no different then those of any other Moon Elf.
"Does ya still see me claws on me hands?"
BoomFuzzy ran the tips of his razor sharp claws down Quaraun's face and smiled a wicked, evil grin, as the claws passed over the Elf's throat.
"Yes. They are each several inches long."
"Quaraun, you're mad," BeaLuna scolded. "He doesn't have any claws."
"Yes. He does. Talons, actually. And razor sharp by the feel of them." Quaraun cringed as the claws traced a line down his throat and across his collarbone. "They're made for slicing through flesh. You're an Elf Eater. A monster. You're here to kill us."
"Quaraun, you're crazy," BeaLuna scolded.
"You'll have to excuse him," BeaLuna said to BoomFuzzy. "He's always doing that. Seeing things that aren't there. He's crazy. We try to ignore it and humour him. It's generally best if you just go along with him and pretend to see whatever it is he's seeing."
"Ya often sees things that ain't no there, Pretty One?" BoomFuzzy asked Quaraun as he began kissing the Elf's cheek, while running his claws down the Elf's chest to his belly.
"I... no... I... I'm always seeing things no one else can see. Can you... stop... touching me?"
"Yeah," BeaLuna agreed. "He sees all kinds of stuff. Unicorns and stuff too."
"Unicorns? Really?" BoomFuzzy smiled. "Does ya like unicorns, Pretty Elf? I shall remember that. Oh we can has great fun with Unicorns."
BoomFuzzy continued tracing a line down Quaraun with his claws, stopping to trace circles around his genitals. This action flustered Quaraun.
"Yes... No... I like the idea of unicorns. Real unicorns are evil. Faerie horses. They kill people with their horns and eat them, prance around with the skulls on their horns like trophies. Unicorns are pretty though... I .... Please stop touching me."
"Ya be saying absolutely no, but body saying most positively yes. Ya like me touching ya."
"No, I don't. Just stop touching me."
"Aye ya does. But ya scared. What is the reason is ya fearful? Ya let me touch ya before. Ya allowed me to sink deep inside ya before. Ya only fought back against when I bit ya. When I drew blood. Yis afraid I would most certainly will eat ya. I will no eats ya, Quaraun. Ya really does no need to fears me. I wants to serve ya not kill ya."
BoomFuzzy continued to fondle Quaraun, and Quaraun make no further protest of the action.
"Ever been fucked by a unicorn?"
"I adores unicorns. They do be a favourite hobby of mine. Eating them. They's pretty darned near as tasty as Elves be."
"You eat Elves?"
"Aye. We was just talking about that. The poppies starting to mess with ya head, aren't they? Yis mind getting loopy. Ain't remembering what we is saying no more is ya? I loves Elves. Especially the aristocratic High Elves. Their pampered, fancy sugary diets of sweets and pastries, all that candy they eats, creates a wonderful buttery fat on their bones. The Christmas Elves are best. Stuffed full of sugar cookies and candy canes. They lack the wild gamy flavor of Wood Elves. Wood Elves for supper and Moon Elves for desert, Christmas Elves served with hot fudge and French vanilla ice cream, with luscious baked menagerie topping. Nothing better."
"But you eat Elves?"
"If ya ever decides ya wants to be fucked by a unicorn, I can arrange for that to happen."
"Why would I want to be fucked by a unicorn?"
"Do ya knows how big a stallion's cock be?"
Quaraun was trying to concentrate on what BoomFuzzy was saying, but the effects of the drugged apricots were clouding his mind, and the fact that BoomFuzzy had just slipped his hand inside Quaraun's robe and was running is fingers in circular motions on the Elf's belly, was distracting him.
"Of course there be nothing like ramming a unicorn horn up ya wee lil ass."
"Aye. I is. Haha!
"Yeah, I can tell...
"And I likes unicorns. I would loves to fuck ya with a unicorn's horn."
"And now I has gone and put dirty images in ya wee lil head. I can sees ya t'inking about what it might feel like to be fucked by a unicorn. Haha! Ya wants to be fucked by a unicorn."
The candy maker slid his hand down between the Elf's legs and had begun fondling Quaraun.
"I do not want to be fucked by a unicorn."
"Ya cock says ya do."
BoomFuzzy took a tight grip of the Elf's erect cock as he said this.
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Quaraun gasped. He had not expected BoomFuzzy to do that, nor was he certain he wanted BoomFuzzy to stop doing it. BoomFuzzy let go of Quaraun and turned back to the Gnome.
"Does the Gnome want to be fucked by a unicorn?" BoomFuzzy asked BeaLuna.
"What? No!" BeaLuna looked horrified by the thought. "Why would you ask that?"
"Oh, I asks everybody that. I likes to watch the expressions on theys faces. Ya'd be surprised how mony people actually likes the idea and asks me to find thems a unicorn willing to fuck them. which I can alwaies do. Ooooh! Ya can gets all the sex ye wants from unicorns. watching their faces whiles the unicorn be fucking them, that be even better. Best part of all though be watching their faces, as the unicorn slices their heads off with it's pretty shiny silver horn and then dances in their entrails, squishing blood all over his purple hooves, then skewering their heads on his horn and dancing naked in the moonlight."
"By the gods! You're mad!" BeaLuna stared at BoomFuzzy, uncertain if he was joking or not. "What kind of a mind thinks thoughts like that?"
"What kind of a sick mind gets horny whist listening tos me saysing thoughts like that?"
"No one normal, that's for sure!"
"Well then, ya wee lil Elf friend here, he ain't normal then, because me words be making him horny as heck over here. Haha!"
"Quaraun, we should go," BeaLuna said. "This guy's loony, and your father will be wondering where you got to and I'm gonna ruin my dinner if I eat any more of this house."
“Oh take some house with ya. I has plenty more. So mony Elves round here. Plenty of bones to grind to flour.”
"I... don't really want to leave yet."
"I like BoomFuzzy. He's... very strange. Moon Elf or not, he's breath of fresh air, around all these stuffy, stuck up, arrogant Moon Elves who I really don't like living with."
"They lives by the fear that the devil will chop off thems head."
"Elves don't believe in devils."
"Wood Elves do. They believe they be black devils lurking behind every tree waiting to rip out their entrails and suck the blood from their dying carcasses.
BoomFuzzy moved closer to Quaraun once again, and ran his fingers down the Elf's face.
"Yis such a pretty Elf. I's never seen a Elf as pretty as yis before. I would love to bed with ya."
BoomFuzzy was close enough now that Quaraun could feel the warmth of the candy maker's erection pressing against him.
"I bed with no one."
"Really? Aye. Yis a Di'Jinn. Ya're the Phooka loving, virgin wizard I been looking fors."
"Yeah," BeaLuna said. "He's a virgin. Joined up with some group that believes virginity is power and absolutely refuses to have sex with any one."
"Oh, my! What a fuckingly dreadful life. Dear oh dear oh dear. How does ya stand it?"
"I don't like sex."
"That not what I recall. Has ya ever had sex?"
"No. I'm a virgin. It means I've never had sex."
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"Yeah. Yad t'ink it does doesn't it. Strange lil brain ya got. Ya does no remember much from one day to the next do ya?”
“Quaraun?” BeLuna answered. “He’s absent minded. He’d lose his head if it wasn’t attached.”
“Well now. We don’t want to be losing t’at now do we?”
“He can’t remember things, wicked fierce. Tell him something, 10 minutes later it’s like he never heard you.”
"Ya really can’na remember one dae ta da next, eh?”
“No,” Quaraun said. “Weird short term memory. I don’t remember a thing I did last week.”
“So ya might not be virgin un ya would na knows it, eh?”
“Yeah. Something like that.”
“How come that?”
“There’s a JellyFish living in my head. It ate my brain.”
“Yeeaaah,” BeaLuna said to BoomFuzzy. “About that. He’s kind of crazy. Got drop on his head too many times as a baby.”
“Then the great Quaraun the Insane, really is insane, yes?”
“I don’t like being called insane.”
“What would ya have me call ya then? The village idiot? That suit ye better?”
“Why can’t you just call me Quaraun?”
“Why can’na ya just admit ya like being fucked by horses?”
“I...” Quaraun was caught off guard by that statement and couldn’t think of a responce.
The half-Elf reached up to take hold of the collar of Quaraun's coat, then made no secret of staring at the Elf's crotch. "Ha, ha. Then how does ya knows iffy ya likes sex or not, when ya can’na remembers iffy yas had it or not? Hmmm?"
"I... I don't know." Quaraun was trying to remember through the clouds of apricots that were fogging his brain. Part of him was remembering the pleasure he'd felt when the Phooka had raped him and part of him was losing all of his memories of everything. BoomFuzzy was looking less Phooka and more Elf and the bloody mansion was looking more sugary and colourful, less bloody, more gingerbready. The big pine trees were melting away into pink fluffy cotton candy.
"We never gots to see ya up this close before. Itwere sunset when we dids sees ya afore. Never dreamed ya'd be so pretty. Ya can'na knows ya do not likes something until ya has tried it. Ya should try sex. Ya’d like it."
"But then I wouldn't be a virgin."
"We simply must cure ya of that horrible lifestyle ya has."
"It's not a horrible lifestyle."
"He won't even masturbate," BeaLuna said.
"What? You don’t."
"Will you stop talking about me like that?"
"I don't like it."
"Well it's true."
"Is that true?" BoomFuzzy asked the Elf.
"I... you... Yes... but it's not your concern."
"It's everyone's concern actually," BeaLuna continued. "See the king doesn't have a son, and he's really old. And his younger brother, he's really old too. Neither of them is gonna live much longer. Well, Quaraun here is the king’s brother's only son, so they've decided Quaraun is gonna be the next king, only the king is expected to have a queen, not be a queen, and he's supposed to sire an heir, but Quaraun here refuses to have sex with anyone, even himself, so the whole kingdom is basically in an uproar over trying to get him to fuck with someone so he can find out how much he actually does like sex, even though he thinks he doesn't like sex, but then, he's got this problem, where he's kind of crazy, you know, like how he thinks you have claws, and keeps talking about JellyFish living in his head, so no she-Elf will get near him anyways, because they all think he’s insane, which he is, thus why everyone calls him Quaraun the Insane..."
"I do have a JellyFish living in my head,” Quaraun interrupted her. “And he does have claws. Huge talons. Made for killing and tearing flesh. Fearsome things. You could kill an Elf with a single swipe."
"Ha ha! I could. I do. I does. And that excites ya, Elf." BoomFuzzy's eyes went down to Quaraun's crotch. "Quite a bit. Do ya like being tortured, Elf? In me experience the thought of ripping someone's throat out don't often excite a Elf, but it excites ya. Oh! I likes ya more every time I see ya. But ya still see me claws? Huh? Even after 5 apricots. My. My. Oh dear oh dear. That do be a problem.”
“Do I know you?”
“Not like this ya does no. Ya a Elf with a dirty mind. I could has fun with ya. Oh, I would gladly take up the job of teach ya to like sex. I does not t'ink it would be that hard considering the erection Yis having right now."
BoomFuzzy moved closer to Quaraun, which Quaraun had not thought was possible. The tiny Faerie-Elf, stood on top of Quaraun's feet again then went up on tip-toe, hugging his neck, to try to look Quaraun in the eye. Quaraun gasped as he felt the Faerie-Elf press his groin tight against Quaraun's.
"I does no tinks it would be very hard to take ya virginity from ya. AGAIN. I could do it right now and ya'd just stand there and not stop me. I would do it right now, except I needs ya to keep it a bit a longer. Got a job for ya. Need a virgin wizard to dos it for me."
“Are you sure I still am?”
“Referencing the last time we meet? Apricot?” BoomFuzzy pressed his lips against the Elf's ear to whisper. “That was rape, just because ya liked it, does no make it count. A ya did like it. I knows that.”
Then BoomFuzzy slide his hands down Quaraun's back stopping to grasp a tight grip on his hips, holding the Elf in place while he humped on him like a dog in heat. Quaraun was too flustered to know how to respond. The last thing he had expected was for BoomFuzzy to hump against him like that. BoomFuzzy laughed and let go of Quaraun, then backed away from him.
"Ya has such pretty blue eyes. Ha! ha! Yis in shock over me ain't ya."
"You... your... very bold."
"And ya very pretty."
"What are you?"
The apricots were having a bigger affect on Quaraun than he wanted to admit. He was starting to realize the Faerie had tricked him into eating it's food and now was fighting to separate the reality of what was with the reality as the Faerie wanted him to see it.
"I a shape shifter. I can be whatevers ya wants me to be. Whatever makes ya horny, I'll be it. Anything that gets me in ya bed, that I'll be."
"You don't act like an Elf."
"Oh... nooooo! Ha ha!! Ya already saids ya thought I is a Faerie. Oh! Does that bother ya? Here. Have ano’her apricot."
Quaraun took the fruit then placed his hand over his ear. The one the Phooka had bitten. The wound was not yet fully healed. Quaraun started telling himself to remember the wound and not get lost in the illusion. He looked around at the Elves who were sitting around on the ground eating pieces of the cake house.
“Apricots.” Quaraun looked down at the fruit in his hand. “What have you done to me?”
“Ya was telling me, something about ne’er taking food from Faeries before. Ha! Ha! Forget that rule of yars? Bragged ya was ever so careful to never eat Fae food. That there in ya. That be apricot number seven.”
“The king rides ahead of his army,” Quaraun whispered to himself. “Takes the form of an Elf, lives in the village, puts them under a trance and then kills them all.”
“We meet before.” Quaraun was now trying to keep the real memories alive.
“You're the Elf Eater.”
“And you admit it?”
“No reason not to. Ye the only one in Ivujivik what can save them. They is already eaten me food and yis too pissed at them to save them.”
“Why are you here?”
“Found me an Elf I want to fuck.”
“I'm a wizard of the Di'Jinn order. I fuck no one.”
“Ya deeply enjoyed having me inside ya. Does ya deny that?”
“No, but it won't happen again.”
“No? ha ha! We'll see about that.”
The rest of this novel can be read here.
Interview With EelKat
On Writing The Quaraun Series
Old Orchard Beach's Nudey Shirts, Drug Dealers, Gangs, and Ivory Billed Woodpeckers -
Interview With EelKat About
The Real Life Town That Inspired
The Monster Porn Yaoi Novel "BoomFuzzy"
April 2 2016 Part 1 of 6
This novel was originally written on: 2007 & 2009 & 2012
This page last updated on: April 06, 2017
The Quaraun Series On Amazon:
If You Like The Quaraun Series You Might Also Like:
Writing Resources I Use When Writing The Quaraun Books:
Seeing How "The Too Gay For Old Orchard Beach" Court Order Requires Me To Put This Notice In The Front Of The Novels,
I Assume It Also Requires I Put It In Front of Novel Excerpts Posted Online As Well, so, Here It Is...
Enjoy The Stupidity That Is The
Town of Old Orchard Beach, Maine,
Where I Am Deemed,
In Their Words:
"Too Gay For The Family Friendly Town of Old Orchard Beach"
Because I'm The Author of The Quaraun Series.
INTRODUCTION TO THE SERIES
The Adventures of Quaraun The Insane
(Added March 29, 2016)
EelKat Wendy Christine Allen
UPDATE: The Old Orchard Beach Town Hall has handed me a court order requiring I place a warning in my books, warning you that they have their heads stuck up their asses, I mean, warning you that this book was written by a non-white transgender author and contains non-white, LGBTQ characters, which the straight, white citizens of Old Orchard Beach find offensive because they never before took their heads out of their asses long enough to notice that there exist in this world non-white people and gay transgender men. The HORROR I have forced them to discover, when they took their heads out of their asses long enough to discover a non-white, transgender author has lived in their town since 1975!
As of January 4, 2016 ALL gay, transgender, and non-white authors, living in the white power, gay-hating town of Old Orchard Beach, Maine are now required to add a warning to the front of their books, warning readers that this book is a vile, evil, perversion of their senses because it contains non-white, minority, transgender, and or gay characters who by their very existence according to the white power, gay hating residents of the 99.9% white town of Old Orchard Beach, Maine do not deserve to live and should not be included as characters in books.
Because I am a vile, evil, non-white, transgender author who lives in Old Orchard Beach, Maine, I am now required by court order to place warning in my books, to warn readers that this book was written by a vile, evil, non-white, transgender author and there for may contain references to my vile, evil, non-white, transgender lifestyle, including to, shock, and horror, ACTUALLY CONTAIN
oh, my, my, my, how evil of me to consider writing a book with a person of colour in it. And even worse, is the fact that...wait for it...
I've gone so far as to allow gay transvestite characters to be in my books.
How shockingly evil of me to offend the citizens of Old Orchard Beach, by including gay and transgender characters in my book. I have forced them to have to discover the horror that there exists non-white people in our town, and worse, have made them suffer the horrors of learning that LGBTQ citizens have the right to live. How evil of me. To punish me for the publication of the book you are now reading, they filled my home with sewage 3 feet deep and cut the heads off of my cats, drove a backhoe over my house, then beat me up and left me paralyzed for 5 months, during which time they hacked my online accounts of Kboards, NaNoWriMo, Twitter and other places and impersonated me, posting lots of shitty crap to try to discredit me and destroy my reputation. If you are one of my long time readers and followers, you no dought saw what transpired on KBoards and NaNoWriMo (I did not see it and still do not know what happened, seeing how I was in the hospital dying, while the hacker was taking over my accounts online.)
18 months later I am out of the wheelchair, relearning to walk and still refusing to unpublish my evil books containing non-white gay men and so now they have gotten a court order demanding the warning you are now reading, be placed in this book, because the Old Orchard Beach Town Hall (the plaintiff named on the court order – YES – an actual United States Government Organization has issued this civil rights violating court order, in blatant disregard to federal laws) believes that non-whites and gays and transgender citizens are so evil that they QUOTE “ought to be shot in the head” UNQUOTE.
The book you are now holding contains non-white characters, of the same vile, evil non-white race as the non-white author who wrote this book and because I am not white and have chosen to include non-white characters in this book, I am now required by court order to warn my non-white readers that this book was written by evil, vile non-white me and contains evil, vile non-white characters that will offend your holier then though piece of shit white asses. There, I am now in compliance with the white power, gay hating town of Old Orchard Beach's, civil rights violating court order. White trash has now been warned that non-white trash exists in this book.
The book you are now holding contains LGBTQ characters, of the same vile, evil LGBTQ existence as the LGBTQ who wrote this book and because I am LGBTQ and have chosen to include LGBTQ characters in this book, I am now required by court order to warn my LGBTQ readers that this book was written by evil, vile LGBTQ me and contains evil, vile LGBTQ characters that will offend your holier then though piece of shit straight asses. There, I am now in compliance with the white power, gay hating town of Old Orchard Beach's, civil rights violating court order. Straight trash has now been warned that non-straight trash exists in this book.
If you have any questions regarding this court order which violates the civil rights of people of colour, minority races, and LGBTQ citizens, please head to the State of Maine, Biddeford District Court and ask for copies of
Docket #BDDC-PA-2015-00574 and CV-15-58/CV-15-59
the Alfred Superior Court Docket #CV-15-299
and the Portland Superior Law Court Docket #YOR-15-253
Additionally, you can find more information by going to the Old Orchard Beach Police Department and requesting copies of ALL police reports made in regards to 144, 146, and 146a Portland Avenue, from 2001 to 2016 (approximately 300 reports).
Note, that the court order includes 4 interesting facts:
1: It states that transgender people in Old Orchard Beach are not allowed to own cats; the Town Manager confiscated my cats on this basis (the judge granted this). 140 families in Old Orchard Beach had a grand total of more then 500 cats taken from them via this court order. Many of those cats are being returned to their owners, one head nailed to their door at a time.
2: It states that transgender vehicles are not allowed in the town of Old Orchard Beach and specifically that The Transgender Awareness Tour Bus be removed from the "perimeters of the family friendly town of Old Orchard Beach" (the judge denied this)
3: It states that transgender authors, not be allowed to publish books featuring transgender characters, and contains a list of books, deemed "Too gay for Old Orchard Beach" that the Town Hall requested be removed from publication. The judge ordered the removal and unpublication of 27 of my books, and that the rest have this warning placed in them.
4: That LGBTQ, non-white, non-Christians, and Muslims, not be allowed to set foot in Old Orchard Beach (with one motel owner in particular claiming his right to confiscate the homes, property, and business of some 140 families in Old Orchard Beach, by right of his desire to put condominiums on each of their properties. Interestingly, this is the same man who drove a backhoe over my house in 2013.) Part of this was passed, with the judge ordering LGBTQ families not allowed to set foot in their own homes (not rentals or apartments - houses they owned outright and owed no taxes or mortgages on, with 140 families be forced out of their homes on January 4, 2016. He dropped the request to confiscate homes of LGBTQ citizens when FBI Agent Andy Drewer Arrived to investigate him and the 5 businesses he owns, for his connection to the bomb that blew up my house in 2006.) Three court houses later a different judge overruled the first judge's civil rights violating order, with LGBTQ citizens being allowed to go home October 18, 2016, after 10 months of living in their cars.
Want to know the names, phone numbers, business locations, and home addresses of all the cat murdering, transphobic, gay-hating, white powered people who are trying to ban all LGBTQ and non-white citizens from Old Orchard Beach? Then go to those 3 court houses and request to get copies of all 700 pages of The Too Gay For Old Orchard Beach Court Case of Old Orchard Beach vs Wendy Christine Allen.
All names and contact information of all the white power, gay hating town hall officials, police officers, public works workers, motels, businesses, motel owners, business owners, and the KKK's own lawyers, behind this introduction now required to being added to books containing gay or non-white characters can be found in those court orders and police reports, here after collectively known as “The Too Gay For Old Orchard Beach Court Case” or #TooGayForOOB for short.
In those court dockets you will find more then 700 pages of utterly fascinating civil rights violating, animal abusing, hate crime glorifying, anti-gay, white power, transphobic lunacy. I highly recommend you get copies of those court dockets and see for yourself, the REALITY of how utterly insane the gay hating, white power mentality of Old Orchard Beach, really is.
Or if you want to meet me at Staples, and are willing to pay however much it costs to have 700 pages of copies made, you can get copies made of my copy of the court order.
Welcome to Maine, where love wins, everywhere, except in the white power, gay-hating town of Old Orchard Beach. TIP: If you are looking for a great fun summer family vacation spot this summer: avoid the transphobic, animal abusing, gay hating, white power town of Old Orchard Beach. This town is only family friendly, IF your family qualifies as a “real family” which to them means: you are white, Christian, and have no connections to LGBTQ people whatsoever. Save your hard earned money and DO NOT come to Old Orchard Beach this summer. Don't bother wasting your hard earned money on the transphobic, animal abusing, gay hating, white power trash that thinks it's okay to discriminate against people based on race, gender, religion, or colour.
There. Now I am in compliance with the court order and you, my dear reader have been warned that this book was written by evil, vile, perverted non-white, non-straight little old me and contains non-white, gay, transvestite characters. Can I ask: Have you EVER seen a book ANYWHERE that the author's town required the author to place a warning in the book, for ANY reason? Can anyone say RIDICULOUS? Yes, the town of Old Orchard Beach is being utterly ridiculous. I think they forgot that Old Orchard Beach is a town in America and not it's own country.
So, if you are a transphobic, gay-hating, white power person who is offended by the existence of transvestites, gays, non-Christians, people of colour, and other things that tick off white power mentalities, then you probably want to avoid these books.
For everybody else who isn't a white power, transphobic, gay-hating jerk with their head stuck up their own white, Christian ass: I hope you enjoy reading these books as much as I have enjoyed writing them. And for those of you who don't enjoy this sort of book, well, enjoy those knee-jerks, I'm told you guys should be expecting quite a few of them.
End of introduction.